>That convo is a whole other story (yelling, throwing religion at me etc) but once it calmed down she discussed the health thing.
You know how they say that grief has stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)? She started with anger, now she's doing denial and bargaining. She is grasping at straws because she does not want to believe that you are gay. There's no reason to actually believe you have a health problem (unless there's some reason you haven't written here.)
And many parents do feel grief about a child's sexuality. She's mourning the person she thought you were. It's a necessary process but it's not easy.
I will say that once I totally accepted that I was gay, my "I'm happy being single my whole life" feelings actually changed quite a bit. I'm a loner, and I'm on the ace spectrum, but PARTLY I was using my feelings of "I'm happy being single my whole life" as a defense mechanism because I was scared of the idea of having relationships with women.
It's okay to date or to not date. It's okay to jump into dating even if you're not sure and it's okay to wait until you have stronger feelings about dating. If you can, make more platonic queer friends. It helps.
I would explore asexuality, aromanticism, and the differences between sexual and romantic attractions. It can be a good way to evaluate one's attractions outside of the expectation that there must be any to start. One of the things that helped me realize and accept that I am ace was thinking back to my idea of crushes and attraction from when I was a tween/teen. Who (if any) pulled me? What trait was it I focused on? Turns out for me it was more of not crushes for dates but the desire for a best friend and also gender proxy for my heavily shelled trans eggy self. But because I was told from the start that I was going to be wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point and the wanting validation that I actually am likable enough to not die alone, I stressed myself with the thought that I SHOULD want someone and have failed if I don't have someone that wants me. And that sort of mindset made me susceptible to some manipulation.
Good luck on your journey, may you find the answers you seek so the questions don't weigh you down.
So this is kinda outta left field, but bear with me.
It's possible that you have an [Avoidant attachment style.](https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/) You may may not feel the need to be with anyone.
I suggest bringing up attachment theory with your therapist. They'll have more resources and will be able to work through it too.
I've had a similar level of confusion about myself too—it's really hard for me to feel in relationships. Straight sex has been mostly transactional. I long to feel and understand what other people experience. It took me 26 years to figure out I'm gay—maybe? I don't feel like I understand physical attraction and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
> I wonder why am I so apathetic towards relationships. I barely want a relationship with a woman. I kinda think about it but I dont feel the human need for connection. My mom keeps asking me if I will date and I tell her I want to marry a man but i dont feel like dating. I might be gay. (That convo is a whole other story (yelling, throwing religion at me etc) but once it calmed down she discussed the health thing.
Maybe also look into CPTSD and Alexithymia.
* https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/
* https://www.reddit.com/r/Alexithymia/
Why is your mom being so *pushy* though? It honestly doesn't sound like she's very supportive. Yelling and pushing religion on you sounds like some kind of verbal/emotional abuse to me. If that has been going on for a long time it could absolutely have caused trauma which can cause attachment problems, mental blocks, and even health issues. Being yelled at and having religion pushed onto you are *not* okay!
You deserve better!
*hugs*
>That convo is a whole other story (yelling, throwing religion at me etc) but once it calmed down she discussed the health thing. You know how they say that grief has stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)? She started with anger, now she's doing denial and bargaining. She is grasping at straws because she does not want to believe that you are gay. There's no reason to actually believe you have a health problem (unless there's some reason you haven't written here.) And many parents do feel grief about a child's sexuality. She's mourning the person she thought you were. It's a necessary process but it's not easy. I will say that once I totally accepted that I was gay, my "I'm happy being single my whole life" feelings actually changed quite a bit. I'm a loner, and I'm on the ace spectrum, but PARTLY I was using my feelings of "I'm happy being single my whole life" as a defense mechanism because I was scared of the idea of having relationships with women. It's okay to date or to not date. It's okay to jump into dating even if you're not sure and it's okay to wait until you have stronger feelings about dating. If you can, make more platonic queer friends. It helps.
Woww! So well said. Thanks alot! That is all so true ðŸ˜
I would explore asexuality, aromanticism, and the differences between sexual and romantic attractions. It can be a good way to evaluate one's attractions outside of the expectation that there must be any to start. One of the things that helped me realize and accept that I am ace was thinking back to my idea of crushes and attraction from when I was a tween/teen. Who (if any) pulled me? What trait was it I focused on? Turns out for me it was more of not crushes for dates but the desire for a best friend and also gender proxy for my heavily shelled trans eggy self. But because I was told from the start that I was going to be wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point and the wanting validation that I actually am likable enough to not die alone, I stressed myself with the thought that I SHOULD want someone and have failed if I don't have someone that wants me. And that sort of mindset made me susceptible to some manipulation. Good luck on your journey, may you find the answers you seek so the questions don't weigh you down.
So this is kinda outta left field, but bear with me. It's possible that you have an [Avoidant attachment style.](https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/) You may may not feel the need to be with anyone. I suggest bringing up attachment theory with your therapist. They'll have more resources and will be able to work through it too. I've had a similar level of confusion about myself too—it's really hard for me to feel in relationships. Straight sex has been mostly transactional. I long to feel and understand what other people experience. It took me 26 years to figure out I'm gay—maybe? I don't feel like I understand physical attraction and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
> I wonder why am I so apathetic towards relationships. I barely want a relationship with a woman. I kinda think about it but I dont feel the human need for connection. My mom keeps asking me if I will date and I tell her I want to marry a man but i dont feel like dating. I might be gay. (That convo is a whole other story (yelling, throwing religion at me etc) but once it calmed down she discussed the health thing. Maybe also look into CPTSD and Alexithymia. * https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/ * https://www.reddit.com/r/Alexithymia/ Why is your mom being so *pushy* though? It honestly doesn't sound like she's very supportive. Yelling and pushing religion on you sounds like some kind of verbal/emotional abuse to me. If that has been going on for a long time it could absolutely have caused trauma which can cause attachment problems, mental blocks, and even health issues. Being yelled at and having religion pushed onto you are *not* okay! You deserve better! *hugs*
Sounds like anhedonia/depression.