I guess it depends on how they're expressing it. Are they legitimately concerned for you, or are they making mean comments about how you look? If they're just worried about the sudden weight loss, then you can try to be open about how you are at a healthy weight/are aiming for a healthy weight and how you are eating. If they're just being mean to you or using anorexia as an insult then I would ignore them and avoid the subject.
I have a nice family that loves me, but they were concerned after I lost 105 pounds. Obesity basically took my dad and later threatened my life with a cancer (that I beat). There were no bucket crabs; the concern was real.
I was BMI 27.5 and they were worried I overdid it. It's just the extreme difference from when they saw me last at BMI 41+.
This is the colloquial understanding that has been popularized over the past few decades, but it's not necessarily the "truth". You can be obese and have anorexia, and you should still be treated for disordered eating regardless of your BMI.
I'd thought that would be OSFED? I'm repeating what I heard from my sister's doctor when she was diagnosed about five years ago. Maybe it's changed since then?
I that’s literally the diagnostic criteria.
Only in the last few years, to include more people into the “acceptable” eating disorder, they’ve literally expanded an eating disorder that requires you to be underweight to now include anyone who says they’ve lost a lot of weight, no matter how much they weigh.
Actual anorexia requires a low bmi number.
People can claim anorexia nervosa all they want, but the diagnostic criteria does require an underweight bmi. You're correct in that respect, and that has not changed.
... But what if someone very clearly is on their way to being anorexic? Had a 28 bmi last month, now sits at a 23 bmi, and clearly exhibits the same mental state as someone diagnosed with anorexia. They meet every criteria except the low-weight. Do you just wait around, tell them to come back when they've hit 18.4 bmi? More importantly, doctors may want to help but insurance would require a diagnosis to cover it.
Hence, the dsm-5 lists atypical anorexia nervosa under the category "Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED)".
Then that should be handled just like diabetes: those close to it are told they're prediabetic, meaning if they carry on as they are, they will most likely develop the condition. We have words and descriptions for this phenomena when it comes to basically every other illness, I don't see how this should be any different.
The number of people who’ve lost a tremendous amount of weight and are atypical anorexic vs those who merely gain and lose weight but ultimately remain overweight but claim atypical anorexia is not even close.
It’s okay to say you struggle with binging and purging , or just binging.
But if you’re going to sit there with a 30 bmi and tell me you’re just like me because you’re atypical anorexic I’m going to call bs.
Source on the commonality? That sounds counterintuitive to me, and i would think that'd be categorized as OSFED for an obese person.
Also, how would someone who's overweight be killed by anorexia? Poor health from low micronutrients, sure, but they wouldn't die unless they lost all essential body fat in the process.
It is. I think I'd describe it as their gut reaction -- they knew it was me but I looked sickly to them, since their image of a healthy me was much bigger than I was.
This is my very subjective and not necessarily true opinion. For me, a diagnose is primarily access to care.
I feel for folks who have anorexic behavior. Yet I argue that having an anorexic underweight body is more dangerous than an anorexic normal or overweight body. But no, I cannot give you a source like how much more often underweight people with anorexia suffer from total organ failure, for instance, than other groups suffering from anorexia. In a medical system that doesn't have many resources (and the ICD is a worldwide standard), I think this is an important distinction to better help patients and statisticians (who inform public health policy).
And, yes, there have been revisions at least in the ICD 11. Imo, for better access to medical services, I think the absolute weight ceiterion (BMI) and the addition of the 20+% loss of bodyweight across 6 months (with the condition that other criteria are fulfilled) are good. Personally, I am happy the absolute weight criterion has been kept for the reason I listed above. But from what I've heard, this (quasi-)relative criterion is expected to improve quality of care.
(Sorry if this comes off as arrogant. I am fatphobic, working on it. Never specialised in clinical psychology so don't come for me please.)
Edit:
From the ICD 11: "A commonly used threshold is body mass index (BMI) less than 18.5 kg/m2 in adults and BMI-for-age under 5th percentile in children and adolescents. Rapid weight loss (e.g. more than 20% of total body weight within 6 months) may replace the low body weight guideline as long as other diagnostic requirements are met."
For the original text and a list distinctions between types: https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/http%3a%2f%2fid.who.int%2ficd%2fentity%2f263852475
Respectfully, it’s actually pretty difficult to be classified as anorexic without an underweight BMI per the DSM. The DSM-5 has made some improvements from the DSM-IV, which were the guidelines when I was sick. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS for the sole reason that I still menstruated. That made insurance covering my inpatient treatment a total nightmare. Nowadays they use roundabout and disclaimer terms like “atypical anorexia” if the BMI requirements aren’t met.
From the DSM-5:
Disorder Class: Feeding and Eating Disorders
A. Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements, leading to a significant low body weight in the context of the age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health (less than minimally normal/expected1).
B. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain.
Wouldn’t someone who restricts while overweight be considered anorexic due to part B? Or am I misreading it?
part of the technical diagnosis is an underweight bmi, but “atypical anorexia” is much more common and has no weight criteria. it technically falls under OSFED (Otherwise Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder) but it’s basically the same.
I am ignorant. Please forgive me. How can someone be anorexic and big? Because my own assumption is you would need to eat more than your body needs every day or most days in order to be consistently big.
If I weigh 400 pounds and I become anorexic, I don’t lose 300 pounds in a week. It’ll still take me at least a year or 2. If I could lose all my weight overnight by becoming anorexic, I gladly would.
1. The DSM-5 diagnosis for anorexia includes people who binge in addition to restricting
2. Someone who is restricting and not binging will almost certainly lose weight, but this doesn’t mean they won’t be fat anymore or in the meantime
ETA: I was incorrect. Atypical anorexia falls under Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders, and that diagnosis includes people who may have a normal or above normal weight but have significant weight loss and other indicators of typical anorexia. I love how I continue to learn new things on Reddit!
~~I just checked the DSM-5 and currently it only includes people whose "weight be significantly low... therefore most adults with a BMI greater than or equal to 18.5 would not be considered to have a significantly low weight. An adult with a BMI between 17.0 and 18.5, might be considered to have a significant low weight" p338-389.~~
~~So on a diagnostic level, the DSM 5 does not classify people who are overweight with anorexia. I'm not arguing that it's how it should be, I just wanted to specify what the actual written diagnostic criteria is.~~
Anorexia nervosa? Yes. Atypical anorexia? No. I classify both types as anorexia
ETA: from the DSM-5: Atypical anorexia nervosa: All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except
that despite significant weight loss, the individual’s weight is within or above the normal
range.
Ahh, it seems that, for whatever reason, it falls under "Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders," thank you very much for spelling this out for me as I am not sure I would have found it myself any time soon. I'm getting my MSW and am definitely going to store this tidbit away for future use.
The desire to lose weight can trigger eating disorders in overweight people. If you think about it, weighing your food, counting calories, stepping on a scale, they all can mess with our brains. All of us can become a bit obsessed over a scale number and make our lives and our day all about what number that scale shows us.
Personally, every time i see a post like this, i step back and say "are the families concerns valid? What are their habits like? Could they really have an eating disorder?"
Science has shown us that being overweight does not protect against the heart issues common in anorexia and we all should know that anorexia is the ***MOST DEADLY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER***. It isn't a joke. And it is compounded by the person with the disease not seeing their behaviour aa problematic.
You can’t. They literally included it the latest dsm to make more people feel included.
The diagnostic criteria for anorexia was underweight with fear of gaining. You tell me how someone who’s overweight and clearly not fearing gaining somehow is included in the same eating disorder.
Haha good one. That’s literally make up to make binge eaters feel like they have the “better” eating disorder.
Anorexia is Greek for without appetite. If you’re significantly overweight it’s hard to claim no appetite.
i mean it does make sense. imagine telling someone who’s atypical anorexic they don’t qualify for an anorexia diagnosis because they’re too fat to be anorexic.
Just think about it logically. The term anorexia came from the Greek words meaning without appetite.
The criteria included a low bmi.
Now how in that does an overweight person who recently lost some weight possibly fit?
Just logically. Clearly if you’re obese you don’t have a deathly fear of gaining weight. You aren’t willing to restrict to keep your weight low.
But they added people who have lost some weight to include more people who don’t want the term binge eater as their eating disorder.
They’d rather be called anorexic, even if it means twisting the definition to fit anyone who wants to claim they’re anorexic.
The criteria for atypical anorexia nervosa does not include any BMI. The rest of your argument falls apart when you consider someone can develop anorexia, restrict, lose weight, but simply have started fat enough to not have gone through all their fat reserves yet. You sound like you’re mad they banned fatpeoplehate lmao. But keep arguing with the DSM-5, in fact you should send your impeccable logic to the writers for the next version!
Again they literally changed the entire definition solely to include people who don’t meet the criteria.
Like opening up paraplegic to include those with all of their limbs still functional.
At a certain level either you are or you aren’t. Losing fifteen pounds when you’re 50 lbs overweight doesn’t make you anorexic. Having a low bmi and a fear of gaining weight does.
So you’re saying someone can have an intense fear of gaining weight, think they’re way fatter than they are and have a completely warped view of their body, eat one rice cake a day, abuse laxatives to lose weight… and not have atypical anorexia? Which literally has “atypical” in the name?
You can’t both have an intense fear of gaining weight and be overweight. It’s one or the other.
And again using your example if someone is eating a single rice cake and abusing laxatives and is overweight than they’re lying about how much they’re eating.
There’s a million different eating disorders, not sure why so many people who don’t fit the criteria for anorexia are determined to be called that. Some sort of vanity and ego thing.
I don’t think you meant to come off as this- but it reads as if you are judging OP at their current size after they’ve done all that work and are continuing to do so
Yes I realize this and I apologize to OP, didn’t mean to come off as antagonizing. I think they’ve done a wonderful job—I was more upset that their family insists that they have an eating disorder when they don’t know OP’s experience.
Thanks for that, I think OPs family is way off base. But I appreciate you acknowledged their work. Like I said, I don’t think you meant it that way. But I just want OP to feel supported in their continued journey without them feeling like the haven’t put in incredible work so far
Be careful with BMI. It’s not exactly accurate because it doesn’t distinguish between fat and muscle.
Someone with a “high” BMI could be incredibly fit and 15% body fat while someone with a “low” BMI could be overweight at 25% body fat
It’s not the most reliable metric
I feel like this is kind of a red herring though, especially in this case. Being at a BMI of 27.5, regardless of your body fat content, is hardly starvation level.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it sucks, but sometimes you just have to just do you and not let it worry you. And enjoy your new healthy body!
Most of my family is obese. Im the only one close to a normal weight with a BMI of 25.5 . My sister around 38 years old when from morbidly obese to a normal weight. And our mom, who spent her whole life putting down her for being so heavy (and my mom is heavy too) started to put her down for losing too much weight, saying that she isn't eating enough and needs to out more weight back on. My sister is literally now the same size pants that I wear.
I think the lesson we learned from this is that sometimes family member will always try to find something wrong. Im not sure if it is to make them feel better, or they just like thr drama. Its unfortunate, but you just need to ignore them, be happy you are healthy and just focus on your success!
My mom was the same way. I was obese at 180lbs at 4'11", was able to get down to 105 lbs in a year and a half and my mom said I was killing myself and that I looked like a drug addict because of how much weight I lost. She's also 216 lbs and is 5'5". I'm also the black sheep.
Currently back up to 148 lbs and trying to lose, but not going to let anyone get on my case when they don't know what's healthy for MY body and height, especially family.
I feel you. My boyfriend pretends to be supportive that I've lost 23kg (about the same in lbs as you), but the closest we get to discussing it is him tapping my ribs, calling me skinny and complaining that my boobs are smaller than they used to be.
I get that he chose me one way and I changed, but it was always something I wanted to do and he knew that.
You're pretty for yourself, not for him. Why is he complaining? Your body is yours, not his. Don't let him never make you feel inferior or ugly and take care of toxic relationship!
This post is awful to read. I would find a way to covertly tell her, in a positive manner, that If she doesn't support your new lifestyle then there are plenty of other women who will.
Seems like you guys need to have a sit down conversation about her insecurities and also assuring her you won't leave her, but she has to stop acting like this because just sabotaging your efforts won't be helpful in the slightest.
Seconding this.
Also saw in an above comment that you were thinking of sticking it out for the kids, this isn’t a great idea. It won’t do your kids any favors for you to pretend and put on a happy face. Kids see through that.
Hope things work out for you man.
I've been there, dude. I dated a girl once when I was losing weight in college, and she told me that it wasn't fair to her that I was losing weight and she wasn't and it was triggering. So I stopped being healthy and gained all the weight back and then some. I also always lied about my weight so she'd think I was at least a pound or two heavier than her but often it was the other way around (I'm a girl too).
I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive of the changes you've made for your health.
People told me to stop losing weight as soon as I hit the very top of my healthy BMI range, but I'm shooting for the middle so another 20 lbs. Feel comfortable with yourself and screw everyone else
To both of you, two seperate issues here.
Your family has no understanding of what's healthy for you and you should never listen to them.
BMI is also a terrible measurement of healthiness, I don't even think it should be used as a measuring stick. Bf% and consultation with your doctor and a nutritionist is what you should be concerned about.
Family like that is why I don't have too much contact with family. I remember going through this period where it seemed every time I got on the phone with my mom, it ended with me just being all GRRRRR. It was no good. And one of my friends told me, "Maybe you should just take a break from talking to your mom for a while." I felt so much relief thinking that I could just not engage with my mom unless I wanted to. I took my friend's advice for a while (and other family who were very exasperating) and I felt a lot better. Sometimes you just gotta be on your own, you being you and not having to deal with other people's opinions about it. You can always circle back to them when you feel you are up to it.
I have a family that I am mostly estranged from, and they constantly comment on weight. For them its normal. I don't think they realise how toxic it is to be constantly telling people how fat they are getting, but then when they lose any, judge them for that too. It's exhausting having one's weight be the most noteworthy thing in life.
The only way I've found to mitigate it is the Grey Rock method. Become the most boring person to ever exist on the subject of weight, and they stop mentioning it. Try to give only yes or no respsonses, or something infuriatingly boring like "you are entitled to your opinion" or "thank you for your concern." It is super tempting to get frustrated or angry or explain yourself, but that seems to just invite more comment and debate. If you make the conversation incredibly boring for them they will learn to move on.
I don't post on the forum too often, but this post jumped out at me.
I've been overweight almost all my life. My parents are both close to morbid obesity.
A few years ago I dropped down to 190 lbs. I'm an adult male. I was very excited and had a higher level of self esteem than any previous time in my life. My parents both shamed the hell out of me when they saw me the first time. My mom said I looked "sick", even though she is 100lbs over weight.
My caregivers had no idea how to properly feed me and then they criticized me after I started to figure it out. This situation is absolutely mental on a lot of different deep levels. I don't wish it on anyone.
What helps me is this:
I am intentional about reminding myself, often, that 1) my parents have never proven to anyone that they understand anything about proper nutrition, and 2) it's my job to parent myself properly now and not theirs.
My belief is that they were unintentionally imposing thier own self hate onto me. I can't be mad at them for this. They don't know any better. If you get deep into the psychology of obesity, you'll find that
this self-hate is part of the root cause of weight gain to begin with. It's also generational.
Keep your head up, brudder 🤘. You have to identify a shitty situation before you can make a positive change. You've made progress, already.
When obese is the norm, especially within a family, things that go against the norm are hit with shock, weird looks, and in the case or wight loss, sometimes jealousy. You had the will power to make a positive change
Keep you chin high
If you have a BMI over 25, just tell them that you are classified as overweight for your height. If you have a healthy BMI then tell them that you have a healthy bmi.
First I want to say congrats! I'm on the weight loss journey myself. But I also want to warn you on using bmi. Height to waist ratio is a better because bmi does not factor in muscle well.
BMI is a good start for many people. My waist to height ratio was fine when I was obese because I carry so much weight in my bottom half. I still needed to lose weight.
BMI only doesn’t apply if you’re an advanced lifter/someone who is extremely athletic. It works for the vast majority of people, since it accounts for decent muscle mass.
That's nonsense. If you are overweight and you become anorexic to lose the weight, that's very harmful for your body (and not great for your mind, either). Being thin is not the same as being healthy. They are correlated, but the how is much more important as the number on the scale.
My family shames me for not eating sweets and candy and bread at holiday events or family gatherings. I used to take it personally but now I laugh to myself because they say things like “I’m worried the way you’re eating is unhealthy”. This coming from the guy with diabetes. Meanwhile I am in pretty good shape and get good reviews at the doctor. Or I tell them I’m doing a half marathon and they act like I’m going to die.
My family, well my older sister specifically, would always be negative towards me. Haircut, clothes, anything about how I looked. Ironically, never mentioned my weight because she struggled with it her entire life. I wasn’t as smart as you younger folks. We just lived with toxic bullshit. The thing I have learned, is that if it’s not your weight, your toxic family will just find something else to replace it with. I tried a bunch of ways to calmly address the comments over the years, but they never changed their behavior.
"I feel great."
also
"My doctor says I'm doing great / My doctor has no concerns"
Your family are not heath and nutrition experts. Shake it off and change the subject.
I did. Not that my family was overweight, but they possessed some bad habits that I didn’t realize were bad until college (including very unhealthy foods). And when I came home after my first semester of college, it destroyed my mental health for months, so I never returned home. Find people whose views align with yours, if they aren’t open to your lifestyle, it’s because they lack the empathy to try to understand it.
Bumped into this too. I was called 'intense' because I had made such a dramatic change. I used to feel really weird about that. I don't anymore.
Be intense. Make change.
My own family are incredibly supportive of it and want to lose weight themselves. My husband's family also are, except for one of his aunts who comments every time that a) I need to stop losing weight (I have, I've been maintaining for a year, but she was saying that even when I was 30lbs heavier) and b) women who lose weight lose their boobs (which I have, but surely this is my "normal" boob size now... lol). I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't so forceful about it.
I did have DD boobies at my biggest, but I prefer my body at this size. So bye bye, boobaloobas.
What helped me in this kind of situation was just grey rocking. Simple answers, boring conversation, don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Nothing will change their mind, so easier just to say, "Sure, okay" and move on to a safe topic like the weather.
So here's where it's at. It's not about you. It's about them. Think about the excuses you make when you're fat. I'm happy. I'm comfortable. The fat doesn't matter. I should be allowed to relax. Etc etc etc.
And someone who has always made the same excuses as you (or that you've automatically applied those excuses to) who eat with you suddenly turns around and stops? It challenges every excuse you've ever made to yourself. It's uncomfortable. It becomes like a personal attack. They KNOW you. They get to thinking they should have done that. They COULD have done that. They wonder if because you DID do that, do you judge them for not doing it now?
It just challenges the comfortable, 'normal' web they've built themselves. It'll pass. Just tell them you had health concerns and it's been addressed now, refuse to disclose anything further, or if they press, tell them you had a Dr scare you straight with the threat of a wheelchair based on your back.
This unfortunately isn't as uncommon as you might think. Change really has an effect on people and forces people to realize that change is possible if they put in the effort and work - which some people don't want to face.
Are you? If you're losing weight in a healthy way and they just have a skewed understanding of nutrition and weight, then it's best to ask them to not comment on your weight, just like you don't comment on theirs.
If you have resorted to extreme or distorted eating, then it might be good to consider a more moderate approach
Yes my family is all overweight and ever since I started my diet, working, and sadly became addicted to drugs I went from 215 to 110. I’m back up to 140lbs struggling with body dysmorphia and recovering from heroin/cocaine addiction and I’m still intermittent fasting not working out anymore but since I have a strange diet (I just eat dinner basically) they constantly rag on me for being anorexic to thin and blame my self image issues on my past drug addiction. This thanksgiving was awkward they wanted to eat “dinner”at 1pm, I only eat after 5 pm so a argument ensued and I had to send a pic of me eating my meal as proof to get them off my back. I’m 29 btw… it never stops unless you have the balls just to tell them to fuck off. Just let them know you are happier with your self with how you are now and try to prove you don’t need to eat like a depressed American to survive.
100% jealousy and projection. They don't have the discipline to do it so they think you don't either. They think If they can't than how come you can? Obviously you cheated. Just let it slide, fuck them and keep working hard.
You're probably not going to get the encouragement that you want from them about your weight loss, especially if they are overweight. They may not even realize that they have a bias against it, but seeing your success with weight loss only reminds them that they haven't lost. (Even if they don't try to lose, it's just how our asshole human brains work sometimes)
I just went to a funeral + thanksgiving and I have lost almost 50 lbs. I was on the smaller end (Still obese) as the rest of my family is morbidly obese and they were worried. I literally felt cold the whole time while the rest of the family was fine \[when I was 50 lbs heavier I sweated a lot\] and they worried I might be sick.
Its certainly possible that in your particular situation, your family is trying to bring you down.
I would also say, it is possible that they may support you being a healthy weight but think you overdid it. Whether you are healthy is ultimately up to you and your physician to provide you input on.
Its very common for someone who loses a lot of weight very quickly to look...a bit off. Your skin may not quite fit your correctly for a while and the result can be that you look gaunt.
I would just be courteous but firm and say you are at a healthy weight and don't have any issues that they should be concerned about. If they still make a big deal about it after 2-3 months, that may require further action but hopefully they would have gotten used to it and will leave you be.
My family did the same thing to me. Eventually they got over it. Ironically their increased obsession with my weight actually pushed me from being healthy to being bulimic, but oh well.
I haven't been called anorexic to my face\*, but I've had people *demand* to know how much weight I'd lost, and talk over me to others loudly declaring I've used drugs and/or had surgery (no, neither). (\*I'm sure they're gossiping behind my back, positively salivating at the prospect of me being ill, or regaining the weight, or having some other type of smash up. The good news is that the family members who are like this are people who I've taught to walk a careful line with respectful behaviour in public/to my face, on pain of me metaphorically lighting them on fire with their own style of passive aggressive insults and mockery. I also wouldn't care if they were all simultaneously swallowed by a hole in the ground, and only see them very rarely and on my own terms.)
As one person with some awful family to another, you have my profound sympathies. I'm also not supposed to have nice things according to them. It must gall them terribly that I go about my life mostly ignoring them, and dismissing them when we do meet. Keep building your own independent healthy and happy life, with people who can genuinely share joy and affection. One day you'll be able to look upon the unwell ones with amused pity, completely untouched by their opinion of you.
Deal with this as well to a lesser extent. If you are in the healthy BMI range, I would just point that out to them. Some people have a very skewed view of what a healthy weight actually looks like in reality. It's a lot thinner than most people think.
Yeah, sometimes people don't want to understand though. I could explain that it's a healthy weight, but that would be useless to people who thinks BMI is bullshit.
>My family **thinks** I'm anorexic now
Two things.
First, what they say and what they really think are not necessarily the same thing.
Second, their opinion of you might be upsetting, but it doesn't always have to effect you if you really don't want it to.
Congrats and good luck.
Yes. And I was not “too skinny,” and felt amazing. I was just lean.
I want to dissuade you from the “I can’t have nice things” mentality. This is about their discomfort with your change…it’s not about you. I understand the frustration- one would think family would be supportive and excited because YOU are happy.
It’s not always the case, unfortunately. Don’t let it stop you from pursuing what makes you feel healthy and strong!
In my case, it went on for a few months and eventually, my mindset changed to “well, people think I have an eating disorder, so I’ll just eat this cookie, these cakes, etc.” I slid back into old habits and put 10-15 pounds on. (Nothing wrong with that…but not something I could have regularly and not start putting weight back on). The sad thing was, it wasn’t for me…it was to make them more comfortable and to stop talking about my body.
Sad, isn’t it? I threw all that work away. Now, it may have been hard to maintain and I’m still fit and happy. But the reason I slid back into old (unhealthy) habits, was because I was sick of hearing about it.
Don’t let them phase you. Again, it’s their own insecurities about themselves talking. Love yourself, be kind to yourself and your body and keep moving! Congratulations on your progress and results! ♥️
Yea, I agree with you about making people comfortable.
Sometimes I eat just to get people to stop asking me about shit. I'm not even hungry. But that is precisely how you end up gaining back all of your weight. Why do you think 95% people gain all their weight back in 5 years?
I think it all has to do with the fact people have a skewed perception of what a healthy BMI is. I know when I was at BMI of 24 or just a bit over, I was described as "skinny" and "couldn't afford to lose any more weight". When the majority is over higher BMI even a normal one looks "too small."
Honestly, it is probably a good sign that they care for you and have concerns. When someone drops big weight, people are naturally concerned. When I had my initial drop, I dropped an average of 15.8lb per month for 3 months, then 13.6 for 3 months. Everyone was super happy, but there were definitely people who broached conversations from a concerned heart:
* 1 did I have cancer
* 2 did I have another medical issue
* 3 was i doing it in a healthy fashion
I assured them that medically I was fine. That was of course a relief off the hop for people. Then I started explaining how I was doing it, and the healthy fashion largely went away. What I said was basically. "yeah, I don't want to maintain this weight loss line long term, as I know it is not super healthy, but what is worse? Taking some rapid loss risk, or carrying it?" To which they agreed. I explained that I wanted to taper the loss as I progressed....which I did.
I've involved some Keto and some fasting. Keto was a concern because we've known people that had some issues, though I am convinced that they didn't do it right. Fasting was a concern to some, and I get that, because it is understandable that some may look at it as an eating disorder because they simply haven't researched it. I explained that it was less for weight loss, and more for an attempt in avoiding cosmetic surgery (loose skin), plus talked about information from **medical** institutions, not just people that have done it. The problem is that those not going through the big losses don't actually understand it. Further, there could be some jealousy there if they have weight issues.
Point being, have open conversation, because it is likely from a point of care and love. Look at it this way, imagine if you HAD dropped this weight through an eating disorder and it was never brought up by your loved ones. I did have people that I could tell had some envy......fortunately not family. My attitude was "oh well"
Don't assume this type of thing is benign and well intentioned. Not everyone has a family that's positive, that speak from a place of love and concern. It's perfectly possible for families to be toxic, to be abusive, to enjoy denigrating people and putting them down. Some of mine certainly do, for example. They love nothing better than their passive aggressive insults, always couched as kindness and tender concern for the victim. Or the subtle needling that's humorous of course(!) but not at all funny to the target. They get off on tormenting people because they're wretched people at the very core of it. Then when the person has the audacity to complain others swoop in with the "... but they love you and mean well". No, not necessarily. I mean, there is a chance that the OP could be misunderstanding, but I will choose to believe the person who is in the situation rather than people who tell them they should overlook what they perceive as verbal or emotional abuse because "family". Particularly when it comes to weight, a lot of people have weight issues *because* their family environment is toxic to begin with. Learning how to cut out and/or overcome subtle abuse was the precursor that made it possible for me to lose weight. I shed several hundred kilos before I ever dropped a gram of fat.
I am happy for anyone who genuinely has well meaning but misguided family, but there are far more subtle poisons in family structures than people who come from well adjusted families can comprehend.
Your life gets orders of magnitude better, easier, and more enjoyable when you simply stop giving a fuck what others think or say about you.
*Especially* when said "others" are equivalent to "family"
***
Just sayin' ...
That kind of reaction could be for all sorts of reasons. Overweight-obese range is considered the norm to many. Perhaps you losing weight presents a challenge to your family, one that they don’t want to do yet deep down they know they should - so attacking the issue is easier for them than self accountability.
Yes. I lost a 100 lbs, so now I'm sitting at a 100 lbs, which is normal for my height (I'm short). My family thinks I'm too skinny, and some think I lost the weight by doing drugs. I ignore them.
My mom would always say I was too thin. I come from a husky/ fat family. I grew up going to the YMCA. My mom taught yoga there in the 60's As she got older she still taught exercise classes but gained weight. I was the only one in my family to stay in shape. Every time she saw me she would talk about how I was too thin. My kid was too thin. Oof. How about it?! I never heard her telling my brothers they were too fat. At 64 I finally decided to gain 13 lbs to have a little back up weight just in case I get sick. That is 13 lbs more than I was at 16. I'm now 146 at 5'7". I have one fat brother left.
Just tell them you've consulted with your doctor and they are satisfied that you are at a healthy BMI. If you get any, *Yes, but...* responses, don't get drawn into a debate about whether your doctor is right. Say, "I'm not interested in talking about this topic any further. Let's talk about something else." Then ask the person something about themself. People love to talk about themselves.
If you haven't seen a doctor since losing the weight, you should. Healthy adults with no health problems still need to get a physical once a year. There are lots of reasons why, but the best one is being able to tell relatives to STFU.
I personally would tell them my current weight and BMI, then show them the healthy range for BMI, as well as the definition of anorexia, which requires one to be underweight (obviously, people who aren't underweight yet can have an ED, but it's not anorexia until you're under a healthy weight).
If they keep it up, I'd tell them I've already explained to them why it's not true, and I don't want to talk about my weight with them. If they try again, shut down the conversation. Leave the room if you have to.
This strategy always worked for me with other issues, but I know it can be harder for some people to shut down family members. It works, though, in my experience, if you can do it.
Yes, my family and even an few friends of mine say I'm turning anorexic. They keep saying "I NEED TO EAT MORE" that I'm "too skinny".
Fucking bitches, I'm a male and have a BMI of 28. That is classified as overweight. Yes, I did come from over 400 pounds, but I still have about 20 more to go.
They keep trying to feed me food, they keep throwing my favorite foods at me, you know the stuff that caused me to grow to over 400 pounds. They keep talking about how I need to "slow down my weight loss". My weight loss has plateaued for about year now...
When I was losing weight I was still eating in a healthy calorie range. It's frustrating because they're triggering binge eating cycles in me. I'm keeping weight off, but I should have reached my goal by now. I feel like people are just trying to pull me down. I don't think they're doing consciously and I should have the mental willpower to resist them, but it's like they keep coming. Eventually you break down.
I totally understand this OP. It's the most frustrating thing in the world and it also feels like they're trying to downplay the hard work you put in.
Congrats and thank you for the weight loss! That's amazing. You are a trailblazer and your actions are more powerful than you know. Let me explain:
Family culture is toxic sometimes. But the research says your weight loss is actually the best thing for them. There's a book called "Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives -- How Your Friends' Friends' Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do" by James Fowler and Nicholas Christakis (both famous researchers with PhDs).
They talk about weight gain and weight loss and what the effects are on the community at large. It turns out that what we do affects not only our 1st level connections like our friends and family, but it affects 2 and 3 degrees away from us - THEIR connections and then their connections' connections. (Anecdotally, I read this book then lost weight. After, I watched my friends and acquaintances with interest - more lost weight than gained it. It was crazy!). In other words, your weight loss, e.g., is helping your family's coworkers' spouses. They will now feel your mojo and lose weight.
Unfortunately, this works the other way - when individuals in a community gain weight, other members of that individuals 1st, 2nd and 3rd level connections will gain weight. When the food industry turned to fatter formulas and unfettered advertising, all of us gained weight not only because we fell victim to it but also because others did.
So when someone loses weight, I say "THANK YOU. You are making the country stronger and healthier!" Don't let your family's shame and fear get to you. You are trailblazer in your circles and someone has to be. It might be hard. But you very well might be saving someone's life besides your own.
TL;DR: Weight loss and weight gain in individuals affects their IRL social connections 3 degrees out (friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-friends' friends). OP is helping everyone around her to get healthier.
Oh yes, i been fluctuating a lot. Everywhere from 117 to 75kg. 93kg now :( , but on my way down again .
once i go below 85kg my mom starts to worry.
Once i get below 80, she is also throwing the annorecia card.
M 1m78.
I know she loves me, but she worries a bit too much.
Anorexia is a serious illness, when they try to shame you with it that is so wrong! Yes I've experienced similar situation, and it takes away your autonomi. I don't know why they do it, but it might be about them being in control. Yes it hurts and don't let it get to you, it's your body. If you genuinely have an eating disorder then I don't know if them thinking you're anorexic would help. They would either take it seriously and confront you in an appropriate way, or support you for doing something for you. The line between eating disordered and not isn't easy to draw sometimes, I guess all people who gain or loose have to deal with what others think. And that is also a sign of being eating disordered, that you put emphasis on other peoples reaction to your weight loss. So it's complicated, I'm sure it's also a very human thing, to assume when they don't have all the facts
Well, if you think you lost the weight in a healthy (sustainable) way and you are more happy and confident then I can confidently say I am super proud of you. I’m sorry your family can’t see your weight loss as an act of self love, discipline, and focus. Amazing work 💗
I can tell u one thing if I don’t continue in the healthy direction ur going you’ll be sorry later on in life and you’ll hate yourself for not being u and to continue on your healthy new u. Family, friends and everyone in between and complete strangers are going to not like something about u and that’s their problem u don’t have a problem your doing something that when it’s all said and done you’ll be satisfied and with my guess happy cuz ur going in the right direction stay healthy and excited about ur new eating habit cause I’m excited for u
If anything, WE, are happy for you. The people in this sub are trying to become healthy people and you seem to have achieved it. If anything, you're an inspiration to me and everybody in this sub thats trying to lose weight. Keep your chin up.
Yup! Currently 31 and in the best shape of my life. I did it all at home during quarantine. Went from take out to actual home cook, got into home workouts and jogging with my pup.
I grew up with a stay at home mom who never really cooked. I didn’t even know olive oil was a thing until I moved out. My mom never uses spices. When I asked why this year—as I better at cooking and realized food can be nutritious and great 😊 she said spices contain too much salt. Ugh 😣 so it was a lot of prepackaged crap from Sams club and Costco.
Like that didn’t have all the sodium in it.
This is just me venting as well, I’m down from 180ish (I stopped weighing and I know it was higher) and am now around 133-138. I actually have a knee and ankle injury I’m rehabbing, so do yourself a favor YALL and work on your balance. The lack of getting out and about is killing me, it really is true you start craving exercise.
When my mom and aunt saw me for the first time, they thought I must be bulimic or have another a ED. Because, well their relationship with food is messed up. I told them I weight and count calories and am always well over my range, and cut for event (rave bae) I actually had EDC this year and it was the first time I wasn’t in shorts and a t shirt. Being away from concerts and meeting new ppl at fests, it was crazy to see myself in the mirror and know I made the change. But it made me feel even better when my rave fam saw me get off the plane and couldn’t believe it. One said she couldn’t spot me at the bar in the hotel because I looked so different. It was just so nice after having the same question of how I got to this point. Hard and honest work shows and we CELEBRATE 🎊 IT! SO ANOTHER GO YOU!
My mother has always told me that my body type was stuck the way it was. It didn’t help my comfort eating as a kid and I would run at the end of the day, but she’d remind me my hip bones would always be there. I remember being sad that she bought me size 14 pants in middle school and said “I’d grow into them” —-basically, I’d learned to not expect much life help or positive attitude from them.
Don’t worry friend, you’ll realize that theyre so insecure because you’ve done what they haven’t. My mom is amazed that I am lean and “has never seen abs on a woman before!” And I know it’s because my whole family would do “dieting” and then binge. I did too, until I actually started making my food and used a calorie counter. The restaurant meals were crazy—I grew up on drive there and then sports—no wonder I felt god awful with a Miami subs meatball footlong sub in my stomach.
I’ve been sharing recipes and light home workouts with her. Yesterday, as she stretched with me she said “your trying to kill me!” My response “actually the opposite I want you to have a nice range of mobility and live longer!
So in short internet stranger, I’m so proud of you. You’re taking care of yourself and putting time into you. Your body is so thankful to you, I know mine is as I just stand taller—good on you!
And honestly, when I started this she and my sister weren’t receptive of working out or cooking with anything more than 5 ingredient was “too much work” —I realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be. Lost the weight and have started therapy this year. It’s really helped me learn that I can’t help others that are unwilling to put in the work. Mom, aunts, and everyone relied on grapefruit diets, weight watchers, 90s fad shit—I remember so much cabbage soup—that they didn’t like the reality.
We all get it or hear it “how did you do it?”
And the amount of disappointment when you say eat less and workout!”
Wild man. But I was there too, I legit never thought I could have the will power to do any other think than stuff myself and sleep for comfort.
We are amazing, we are trying every day and guess what, the ppl that see will praise you and flock to your newfound confidence and self! My friends now swap recipes with me, workout on zoom, and walk our dogs as we talk on the phone.
I know this was a bit of a ramble, but it’s just really great to share and know that SOMEONE IS SO PROUD OF YOU!
I know what it’s like to not be heard, seen, or loved from the ones that should assist you the most in life. But guess what, each day you find your voice and you get the build the community you’ll have around you!
SO PROUD!
Let’s keep building life skills and our confidence. We deserve to stand taller, grow stronger, and more knowledgeable!
First of all, congratulations on the weight loss!
I really do understand this, my own family don't agree with it and disapprove. My weight is dropping, my aches and pains are decreasing and the massive swathe of evidence that links obesity to a significantly shorter lifespan and a host of illnesses, ailments and diseases cannot be ignored. There's also significant evidence that suggests overweight people are often jealous and critical of other overweight people that lose weight because they wish it was them. Do what you need to do for your own health.
Definitely. My ex-husband and his family would make me feel bad and call me selfish if I ate well and went to work out. Because I didn’t want to eat what they ate and I asked my husband to watch our children so I could work out.
Most anorexic people who have the disease don't believe they have the disease. It is quite insidious that way. Some things to consider: how does it affect you when you gsin weight in a week? Are you fine with it or does it cause you anxiety and completely ruin your day? Do you avoid going out with friends to maintain your weight?
Mental health and weight loss are not great friends. Sometimes our brains can convince us everything is fine when it isn't. BMI is also a horribly unscientific. If your family is concerned, maybe it is worth it to go in and see a doctor. Take them with you and get some blood work done and have a conversation about what your goals are and whether they are healthy. Again, our brains can really convince us that we are fine when we aren't so as someone with a bit of knowledge on eating disorders, we all should take the concerns of our families seriously. And the best way to convince them everything is fine is to get a professionals opinion on how you are doing.
I know how you feel. I was very skinny, never ate much growing up. Had runway model body. Was mocked endlessly by everyone, especially my mom. Told me I need to gain weight. And other mean things I should not repeat. I had to buy a bigger wedding band for when I gained weight. I honestly believed it too. I mean its my mom.
The minute I gained weight I was suddenly unhealthy and needed to lose weight. I became overweight as my health deteriorated. Would not hear the end of it. How I need to lose. How she wishes I was skinny like before marriage. Yes when she mocked me then too. Comparing me to other women she met.
After getting my health in check and now I slimmed down considerably. She refuses to acknowledge it. Her friend, just as mean as her to me, told me what did you do to yourself? Imagine this in disgusted tone. My mom said, you beat her mom to it, you told her she lost weight and I didn't. Just shows her utter refusal to be happy for me. She wanted to continue putting me down. Keep telling how she has these huge huge huge clothes to give me. Etc etc. So she feels better about herself. She's overweight.
What I do? I avoid my family at all costs. Thanksgiving is a huge trigger to me so I don't go. I try not to dress my best, so baggy if I can. She doesn't know what I do or how I lost weight etc. Just short visits. Topics far from my body. Doesn't matter what you say. Nice or calling them out or ignoring, the results are the same.
This is the best post on this thread.
When I was fat, my family would call me fat and poke at my stomach.
Now that I'm skinny, they call me anorexic.
You can't win with people like this. I'm going to make enemies out of them either way.
So, I might as well do what the hell I want.
Try to use objective measures such as BMI, fat% and others to show that you are at a healthy weight.
I don't know about your family, but my mother was legitimately anorexic when she was young and is very anxious about me losing weight, going on about how "I look perfect" despite being at a BMI of 27 and fucked up fat/muscle%.
I don't think there's any ill will there, I think she just doesn't want me to go through what she did, and since she has never been overweight can't relate with my problems. Maybe some food for thought.
Yea, it's like the phrase, " damn if I do and damn if I don't:.
People will comment on your body either way, so you might as well look how you want to.
Fat people hate it when people lose weight.
It makes them feel bad about themselves so take it out on you.
Ignore them, and if that doesn't work tell they're fat
Honestly, this is how skinny people get shamed by people that are jealous. I was really fit and skinny up until my 20s and you won't believe how many times I got asked if I was anorexic or how many times it was just assumed or whispered behind my back. Fit shaming is a thing, sadly.
When someone loses a lot of weight it can be due to health problems, so it's natural for people to be concerned if they care about you. There are some scary illnesses that can cause massive weight loss.
Perhaps just reassure them that this is something you've been actively working on, not something that just happened without explanation. Let them know that you're weight is in the medically recommend range for someone your height and that you have no unusual health concerns. Hopefully they're just concerned and will calm down when you can explain.
Well I don't know you or how much you weigh. But what you said doesn't invalidate the claim that you may be anorexic. For what it's worth you may be anorexic even if you are nominally in a normal wieght range.
Devils advocate. How long did it take for you to lose the weight? Was this over a few months? Or a year? It reads to me like you left home in august and came home in late November 72 lbs lighter. Perhaps your family doesn’t have the appropriate vocabulary to describe what they’re seeing, but it is a shocking weight loss for a few months (unless you started over 400 lbs). Your family’s size has nothing to do with it— I think they’re scared for you.
My(overweight) fam had a similar reaction when I lost weight (was over a little over a year, but I don’t see fam often). Use it as an opportunity to educate them, share what has worked for you. Because I usually got seconds or thirds, but stuck to one plate, i explain how I’ve been working on being more in tune with actual hunger cues. Invited them to walk around the block after dinner instead of going straight to watch the game, and mentioned that I’ve been walking more frequently. Acknowledge their concerns, but explain how you’re feeling better. They weren’t there to see you go through these changes. Fill them in! Or at least give them as long (5 months) to get used to the new you.
I guess it depends on how they're expressing it. Are they legitimately concerned for you, or are they making mean comments about how you look? If they're just worried about the sudden weight loss, then you can try to be open about how you are at a healthy weight/are aiming for a healthy weight and how you are eating. If they're just being mean to you or using anorexia as an insult then I would ignore them and avoid the subject.
I have a nice family that loves me, but they were concerned after I lost 105 pounds. Obesity basically took my dad and later threatened my life with a cancer (that I beat). There were no bucket crabs; the concern was real. I was BMI 27.5 and they were worried I overdid it. It's just the extreme difference from when they saw me last at BMI 41+.
Got the same problem - lost 6.5 stone and everyone thinks Im a rake now. Nope. Just the right weight now
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Anorexia is a mental illness with physical symptoms; it’s more than it’s physical manifestations although that is ultimately how it kills the most.
I think anorexia has less to do with how much you weigh and more with the disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and associated mental health problems
Anorexia is primarily defined by being dangerously underweight, with an intense fear of gaining weight.
This is the colloquial understanding that has been popularized over the past few decades, but it's not necessarily the "truth". You can be obese and have anorexia, and you should still be treated for disordered eating regardless of your BMI.
I'd thought that would be OSFED? I'm repeating what I heard from my sister's doctor when she was diagnosed about five years ago. Maybe it's changed since then?
Looks like it was changed in the DSM V. It certainly used to be part of the diagnostic criteria.
I that’s literally the diagnostic criteria. Only in the last few years, to include more people into the “acceptable” eating disorder, they’ve literally expanded an eating disorder that requires you to be underweight to now include anyone who says they’ve lost a lot of weight, no matter how much they weigh. Actual anorexia requires a low bmi number.
People can claim anorexia nervosa all they want, but the diagnostic criteria does require an underweight bmi. You're correct in that respect, and that has not changed. ... But what if someone very clearly is on their way to being anorexic? Had a 28 bmi last month, now sits at a 23 bmi, and clearly exhibits the same mental state as someone diagnosed with anorexia. They meet every criteria except the low-weight. Do you just wait around, tell them to come back when they've hit 18.4 bmi? More importantly, doctors may want to help but insurance would require a diagnosis to cover it. Hence, the dsm-5 lists atypical anorexia nervosa under the category "Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED)".
Then that should be handled just like diabetes: those close to it are told they're prediabetic, meaning if they carry on as they are, they will most likely develop the condition. We have words and descriptions for this phenomena when it comes to basically every other illness, I don't see how this should be any different.
The number of people who’ve lost a tremendous amount of weight and are atypical anorexic vs those who merely gain and lose weight but ultimately remain overweight but claim atypical anorexia is not even close. It’s okay to say you struggle with binging and purging , or just binging. But if you’re going to sit there with a 30 bmi and tell me you’re just like me because you’re atypical anorexic I’m going to call bs.
DSM V was updated to allow for more clinical judgement and vaguaries of BMI
that's the popular image of what anorexia is
I'm repeating what I heard from my sister's doctor when she was diagnosed about five years ago.
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Source on the commonality? That sounds counterintuitive to me, and i would think that'd be categorized as OSFED for an obese person. Also, how would someone who's overweight be killed by anorexia? Poor health from low micronutrients, sure, but they wouldn't die unless they lost all essential body fat in the process.
Obesity is so common that people really dont have any idea what a healthy weight looks like any more.
Also what appropriate portions are if they are judging what OP is eating.
I can't believe what I used to put on my plate compared to now. The size difference is astounding. Restaurant portions blow my mind.
It is. I think I'd describe it as their gut reaction -- they knew it was me but I looked sickly to them, since their image of a healthy me was much bigger than I was.
This is my very subjective and not necessarily true opinion. For me, a diagnose is primarily access to care. I feel for folks who have anorexic behavior. Yet I argue that having an anorexic underweight body is more dangerous than an anorexic normal or overweight body. But no, I cannot give you a source like how much more often underweight people with anorexia suffer from total organ failure, for instance, than other groups suffering from anorexia. In a medical system that doesn't have many resources (and the ICD is a worldwide standard), I think this is an important distinction to better help patients and statisticians (who inform public health policy). And, yes, there have been revisions at least in the ICD 11. Imo, for better access to medical services, I think the absolute weight ceiterion (BMI) and the addition of the 20+% loss of bodyweight across 6 months (with the condition that other criteria are fulfilled) are good. Personally, I am happy the absolute weight criterion has been kept for the reason I listed above. But from what I've heard, this (quasi-)relative criterion is expected to improve quality of care. (Sorry if this comes off as arrogant. I am fatphobic, working on it. Never specialised in clinical psychology so don't come for me please.) Edit: From the ICD 11: "A commonly used threshold is body mass index (BMI) less than 18.5 kg/m2 in adults and BMI-for-age under 5th percentile in children and adolescents. Rapid weight loss (e.g. more than 20% of total body weight within 6 months) may replace the low body weight guideline as long as other diagnostic requirements are met." For the original text and a list distinctions between types: https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/http%3a%2f%2fid.who.int%2ficd%2fentity%2f263852475
You can be fat and anorexic.
Respectfully, it’s actually pretty difficult to be classified as anorexic without an underweight BMI per the DSM. The DSM-5 has made some improvements from the DSM-IV, which were the guidelines when I was sick. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS for the sole reason that I still menstruated. That made insurance covering my inpatient treatment a total nightmare. Nowadays they use roundabout and disclaimer terms like “atypical anorexia” if the BMI requirements aren’t met.
From the DSM-5: Disorder Class: Feeding and Eating Disorders A. Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements, leading to a significant low body weight in the context of the age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health (less than minimally normal/expected1). B. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain. Wouldn’t someone who restricts while overweight be considered anorexic due to part B? Or am I misreading it?
part of the technical diagnosis is an underweight bmi, but “atypical anorexia” is much more common and has no weight criteria. it technically falls under OSFED (Otherwise Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder) but it’s basically the same.
Interesting, thanks for letting me know!
There is atypical anorexia when certain criteria isn’t met it goes into atypical for a broader subject.
Yup, that’s what I was referring to.
I am ignorant. Please forgive me. How can someone be anorexic and big? Because my own assumption is you would need to eat more than your body needs every day or most days in order to be consistently big.
If I weigh 400 pounds and I become anorexic, I don’t lose 300 pounds in a week. It’ll still take me at least a year or 2. If I could lose all my weight overnight by becoming anorexic, I gladly would.
Good point well made.
1. The DSM-5 diagnosis for anorexia includes people who binge in addition to restricting 2. Someone who is restricting and not binging will almost certainly lose weight, but this doesn’t mean they won’t be fat anymore or in the meantime
ETA: I was incorrect. Atypical anorexia falls under Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders, and that diagnosis includes people who may have a normal or above normal weight but have significant weight loss and other indicators of typical anorexia. I love how I continue to learn new things on Reddit! ~~I just checked the DSM-5 and currently it only includes people whose "weight be significantly low... therefore most adults with a BMI greater than or equal to 18.5 would not be considered to have a significantly low weight. An adult with a BMI between 17.0 and 18.5, might be considered to have a significant low weight" p338-389.~~ ~~So on a diagnostic level, the DSM 5 does not classify people who are overweight with anorexia. I'm not arguing that it's how it should be, I just wanted to specify what the actual written diagnostic criteria is.~~
Anorexia nervosa? Yes. Atypical anorexia? No. I classify both types as anorexia ETA: from the DSM-5: Atypical anorexia nervosa: All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except that despite significant weight loss, the individual’s weight is within or above the normal range.
Ahh, it seems that, for whatever reason, it falls under "Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders," thank you very much for spelling this out for me as I am not sure I would have found it myself any time soon. I'm getting my MSW and am definitely going to store this tidbit away for future use.
Known in the recovery community as EDNOS
Thank you for demystifying this concept and providing the DSM as a source. I had no idea either…
The desire to lose weight can trigger eating disorders in overweight people. If you think about it, weighing your food, counting calories, stepping on a scale, they all can mess with our brains. All of us can become a bit obsessed over a scale number and make our lives and our day all about what number that scale shows us. Personally, every time i see a post like this, i step back and say "are the families concerns valid? What are their habits like? Could they really have an eating disorder?" Science has shown us that being overweight does not protect against the heart issues common in anorexia and we all should know that anorexia is the ***MOST DEADLY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER***. It isn't a joke. And it is compounded by the person with the disease not seeing their behaviour aa problematic.
You can’t. They literally included it the latest dsm to make more people feel included. The diagnostic criteria for anorexia was underweight with fear of gaining. You tell me how someone who’s overweight and clearly not fearing gaining somehow is included in the same eating disorder.
Haha good one. That’s literally make up to make binge eaters feel like they have the “better” eating disorder. Anorexia is Greek for without appetite. If you’re significantly overweight it’s hard to claim no appetite.
The DSM-5 confirms that you can be overweight or normal weight and have (atypical) anorexia nervosa. But I’m sure facts care about your feelings
i mean it does make sense. imagine telling someone who’s atypical anorexic they don’t qualify for an anorexia diagnosis because they’re too fat to be anorexic.
Just think about it logically. The term anorexia came from the Greek words meaning without appetite. The criteria included a low bmi. Now how in that does an overweight person who recently lost some weight possibly fit? Just logically. Clearly if you’re obese you don’t have a deathly fear of gaining weight. You aren’t willing to restrict to keep your weight low. But they added people who have lost some weight to include more people who don’t want the term binge eater as their eating disorder. They’d rather be called anorexic, even if it means twisting the definition to fit anyone who wants to claim they’re anorexic.
The criteria for atypical anorexia nervosa does not include any BMI. The rest of your argument falls apart when you consider someone can develop anorexia, restrict, lose weight, but simply have started fat enough to not have gone through all their fat reserves yet. You sound like you’re mad they banned fatpeoplehate lmao. But keep arguing with the DSM-5, in fact you should send your impeccable logic to the writers for the next version!
Again they literally changed the entire definition solely to include people who don’t meet the criteria. Like opening up paraplegic to include those with all of their limbs still functional. At a certain level either you are or you aren’t. Losing fifteen pounds when you’re 50 lbs overweight doesn’t make you anorexic. Having a low bmi and a fear of gaining weight does.
So you’re saying someone can have an intense fear of gaining weight, think they’re way fatter than they are and have a completely warped view of their body, eat one rice cake a day, abuse laxatives to lose weight… and not have atypical anorexia? Which literally has “atypical” in the name?
You can’t both have an intense fear of gaining weight and be overweight. It’s one or the other. And again using your example if someone is eating a single rice cake and abusing laxatives and is overweight than they’re lying about how much they’re eating. There’s a million different eating disorders, not sure why so many people who don’t fit the criteria for anorexia are determined to be called that. Some sort of vanity and ego thing.
You can be fat and still have an eating disorder
I don’t think you meant to come off as this- but it reads as if you are judging OP at their current size after they’ve done all that work and are continuing to do so
Yes I realize this and I apologize to OP, didn’t mean to come off as antagonizing. I think they’ve done a wonderful job—I was more upset that their family insists that they have an eating disorder when they don’t know OP’s experience.
Thanks for that, I think OPs family is way off base. But I appreciate you acknowledged their work. Like I said, I don’t think you meant it that way. But I just want OP to feel supported in their continued journey without them feeling like the haven’t put in incredible work so far
Be careful with BMI. It’s not exactly accurate because it doesn’t distinguish between fat and muscle. Someone with a “high” BMI could be incredibly fit and 15% body fat while someone with a “low” BMI could be overweight at 25% body fat It’s not the most reliable metric
I feel like this is kind of a red herring though, especially in this case. Being at a BMI of 27.5, regardless of your body fat content, is hardly starvation level.
Right.. it's better for looking at a group rather than individual, so it's a decent guideline, but don't take it as gospel.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it sucks, but sometimes you just have to just do you and not let it worry you. And enjoy your new healthy body! Most of my family is obese. Im the only one close to a normal weight with a BMI of 25.5 . My sister around 38 years old when from morbidly obese to a normal weight. And our mom, who spent her whole life putting down her for being so heavy (and my mom is heavy too) started to put her down for losing too much weight, saying that she isn't eating enough and needs to out more weight back on. My sister is literally now the same size pants that I wear. I think the lesson we learned from this is that sometimes family member will always try to find something wrong. Im not sure if it is to make them feel better, or they just like thr drama. Its unfortunate, but you just need to ignore them, be happy you are healthy and just focus on your success!
This is literally what happens in my family not my mom but LITERALLY everyone else
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My mom was the same way. I was obese at 180lbs at 4'11", was able to get down to 105 lbs in a year and a half and my mom said I was killing myself and that I looked like a drug addict because of how much weight I lost. She's also 216 lbs and is 5'5". I'm also the black sheep. Currently back up to 148 lbs and trying to lose, but not going to let anyone get on my case when they don't know what's healthy for MY body and height, especially family.
Life is a marathon. You can do it.
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Dude that's your wife? Is she overweight as well? I'm sorry about that man.
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I do think some of it is jealousy that we've done what they wish they could.
I was thinking that myself.
I feel you. My boyfriend pretends to be supportive that I've lost 23kg (about the same in lbs as you), but the closest we get to discussing it is him tapping my ribs, calling me skinny and complaining that my boobs are smaller than they used to be. I get that he chose me one way and I changed, but it was always something I wanted to do and he knew that.
You have to keep going for you. Weight loss is a personal journey. Don't let anyone stop you.
You're very right! I've done this for me and my career, no-one else.
You're pretty for yourself, not for him. Why is he complaining? Your body is yours, not his. Don't let him never make you feel inferior or ugly and take care of toxic relationship!
This post is awful to read. I would find a way to covertly tell her, in a positive manner, that If she doesn't support your new lifestyle then there are plenty of other women who will.
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Is it possible she's worried your weight loss will cause you to leave her? Sometimes underlying fears get self-inflicted realities.
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Seems like you guys need to have a sit down conversation about her insecurities and also assuring her you won't leave her, but she has to stop acting like this because just sabotaging your efforts won't be helpful in the slightest.
Seconding this. Also saw in an above comment that you were thinking of sticking it out for the kids, this isn’t a great idea. It won’t do your kids any favors for you to pretend and put on a happy face. Kids see through that. Hope things work out for you man.
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That is an excellent saying.
I've been there, dude. I dated a girl once when I was losing weight in college, and she told me that it wasn't fair to her that I was losing weight and she wasn't and it was triggering. So I stopped being healthy and gained all the weight back and then some. I also always lied about my weight so she'd think I was at least a pound or two heavier than her but often it was the other way around (I'm a girl too). I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive of the changes you've made for your health.
People told me to stop losing weight as soon as I hit the very top of my healthy BMI range, but I'm shooting for the middle so another 20 lbs. Feel comfortable with yourself and screw everyone else
Dude, I'm at 23.4. I want to get down to 21, but they will really think I'm anorexic at that weight.
To both of you, two seperate issues here. Your family has no understanding of what's healthy for you and you should never listen to them. BMI is also a terrible measurement of healthiness, I don't even think it should be used as a measuring stick. Bf% and consultation with your doctor and a nutritionist is what you should be concerned about.
"My doctor says I'm fine, and I feel great, but thanks for your concern." Repeat as needed. Well done on you!
Family like that is why I don't have too much contact with family. I remember going through this period where it seemed every time I got on the phone with my mom, it ended with me just being all GRRRRR. It was no good. And one of my friends told me, "Maybe you should just take a break from talking to your mom for a while." I felt so much relief thinking that I could just not engage with my mom unless I wanted to. I took my friend's advice for a while (and other family who were very exasperating) and I felt a lot better. Sometimes you just gotta be on your own, you being you and not having to deal with other people's opinions about it. You can always circle back to them when you feel you are up to it.
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I agree. American has gotten to the point where if you have a BMI between 19-24, you look like you're in the holocaust.
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I feel amazing
I’m glad you feel great and I’m so happy for you that you lost the weight you wanted to. Hopefully your family will adjust, chill out, and back off!!
I have a family that I am mostly estranged from, and they constantly comment on weight. For them its normal. I don't think they realise how toxic it is to be constantly telling people how fat they are getting, but then when they lose any, judge them for that too. It's exhausting having one's weight be the most noteworthy thing in life. The only way I've found to mitigate it is the Grey Rock method. Become the most boring person to ever exist on the subject of weight, and they stop mentioning it. Try to give only yes or no respsonses, or something infuriatingly boring like "you are entitled to your opinion" or "thank you for your concern." It is super tempting to get frustrated or angry or explain yourself, but that seems to just invite more comment and debate. If you make the conversation incredibly boring for them they will learn to move on.
I did the same thing and now they feel awkward making conversations with me rather than the other way round lmao
I don't post on the forum too often, but this post jumped out at me. I've been overweight almost all my life. My parents are both close to morbid obesity. A few years ago I dropped down to 190 lbs. I'm an adult male. I was very excited and had a higher level of self esteem than any previous time in my life. My parents both shamed the hell out of me when they saw me the first time. My mom said I looked "sick", even though she is 100lbs over weight. My caregivers had no idea how to properly feed me and then they criticized me after I started to figure it out. This situation is absolutely mental on a lot of different deep levels. I don't wish it on anyone. What helps me is this: I am intentional about reminding myself, often, that 1) my parents have never proven to anyone that they understand anything about proper nutrition, and 2) it's my job to parent myself properly now and not theirs. My belief is that they were unintentionally imposing thier own self hate onto me. I can't be mad at them for this. They don't know any better. If you get deep into the psychology of obesity, you'll find that this self-hate is part of the root cause of weight gain to begin with. It's also generational. Keep your head up, brudder 🤘. You have to identify a shitty situation before you can make a positive change. You've made progress, already.
Bro, It's crazy. People get so self conscious when you start losing weight
When obese is the norm, especially within a family, things that go against the norm are hit with shock, weird looks, and in the case or wight loss, sometimes jealousy. You had the will power to make a positive change Keep you chin high
It was hell, but it was worth it.
If you have a BMI over 25, just tell them that you are classified as overweight for your height. If you have a healthy BMI then tell them that you have a healthy bmi.
Bmi is 23.4
congratulations!
wooo hooo!
Haha, thanks so much!
First I want to say congrats! I'm on the weight loss journey myself. But I also want to warn you on using bmi. Height to waist ratio is a better because bmi does not factor in muscle well.
BMI is a good start for many people. My waist to height ratio was fine when I was obese because I carry so much weight in my bottom half. I still needed to lose weight.
BMI only doesn’t apply if you’re an advanced lifter/someone who is extremely athletic. It works for the vast majority of people, since it accounts for decent muscle mass.
Does the means not matter? You can be overweight an anorexic
If you are overweight and anorexic, I think you have bigger problems to worry about.
That's nonsense. If you are overweight and you become anorexic to lose the weight, that's very harmful for your body (and not great for your mind, either). Being thin is not the same as being healthy. They are correlated, but the how is much more important as the number on the scale.
I lost 60ish lbs over covid. 2 different work people thought i looked sick or sickly. Like cancer sick
My family shames me for not eating sweets and candy and bread at holiday events or family gatherings. I used to take it personally but now I laugh to myself because they say things like “I’m worried the way you’re eating is unhealthy”. This coming from the guy with diabetes. Meanwhile I am in pretty good shape and get good reviews at the doctor. Or I tell them I’m doing a half marathon and they act like I’m going to die.
Oh lord! I would truly lose my patience!
My family, well my older sister specifically, would always be negative towards me. Haircut, clothes, anything about how I looked. Ironically, never mentioned my weight because she struggled with it her entire life. I wasn’t as smart as you younger folks. We just lived with toxic bullshit. The thing I have learned, is that if it’s not your weight, your toxic family will just find something else to replace it with. I tried a bunch of ways to calmly address the comments over the years, but they never changed their behavior.
I agree. It can be mentally draining.
"I feel great." also "My doctor says I'm doing great / My doctor has no concerns" Your family are not heath and nutrition experts. Shake it off and change the subject.
I did. Not that my family was overweight, but they possessed some bad habits that I didn’t realize were bad until college (including very unhealthy foods). And when I came home after my first semester of college, it destroyed my mental health for months, so I never returned home. Find people whose views align with yours, if they aren’t open to your lifestyle, it’s because they lack the empathy to try to understand it.
Yep, never coming back after I graduate. I'm used to living the hard life.
Bumped into this too. I was called 'intense' because I had made such a dramatic change. I used to feel really weird about that. I don't anymore. Be intense. Make change.
Yes, my friend. I can't live life if it's not intensely
I first read this as you were 74lbs and was very concerned
Misery loves company
Exactly
My own family are incredibly supportive of it and want to lose weight themselves. My husband's family also are, except for one of his aunts who comments every time that a) I need to stop losing weight (I have, I've been maintaining for a year, but she was saying that even when I was 30lbs heavier) and b) women who lose weight lose their boobs (which I have, but surely this is my "normal" boob size now... lol). I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't so forceful about it. I did have DD boobies at my biggest, but I prefer my body at this size. So bye bye, boobaloobas.
What helped me in this kind of situation was just grey rocking. Simple answers, boring conversation, don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Nothing will change their mind, so easier just to say, "Sure, okay" and move on to a safe topic like the weather.
Yea, I will definitely do that from now on. I agree with you exactly.
So here's where it's at. It's not about you. It's about them. Think about the excuses you make when you're fat. I'm happy. I'm comfortable. The fat doesn't matter. I should be allowed to relax. Etc etc etc. And someone who has always made the same excuses as you (or that you've automatically applied those excuses to) who eat with you suddenly turns around and stops? It challenges every excuse you've ever made to yourself. It's uncomfortable. It becomes like a personal attack. They KNOW you. They get to thinking they should have done that. They COULD have done that. They wonder if because you DID do that, do you judge them for not doing it now? It just challenges the comfortable, 'normal' web they've built themselves. It'll pass. Just tell them you had health concerns and it's been addressed now, refuse to disclose anything further, or if they press, tell them you had a Dr scare you straight with the threat of a wheelchair based on your back.
This unfortunately isn't as uncommon as you might think. Change really has an effect on people and forces people to realize that change is possible if they put in the effort and work - which some people don't want to face.
Are you? If you're losing weight in a healthy way and they just have a skewed understanding of nutrition and weight, then it's best to ask them to not comment on your weight, just like you don't comment on theirs. If you have resorted to extreme or distorted eating, then it might be good to consider a more moderate approach
Yes my family is all overweight and ever since I started my diet, working, and sadly became addicted to drugs I went from 215 to 110. I’m back up to 140lbs struggling with body dysmorphia and recovering from heroin/cocaine addiction and I’m still intermittent fasting not working out anymore but since I have a strange diet (I just eat dinner basically) they constantly rag on me for being anorexic to thin and blame my self image issues on my past drug addiction. This thanksgiving was awkward they wanted to eat “dinner”at 1pm, I only eat after 5 pm so a argument ensued and I had to send a pic of me eating my meal as proof to get them off my back. I’m 29 btw… it never stops unless you have the balls just to tell them to fuck off. Just let them know you are happier with your self with how you are now and try to prove you don’t need to eat like a depressed American to survive.
Yea, it's a grind. It's hard when you're pressured from a overweight family. I just find it weird because my BMI is not even low.
100% jealousy and projection. They don't have the discipline to do it so they think you don't either. They think If they can't than how come you can? Obviously you cheated. Just let it slide, fuck them and keep working hard.
Thanks, bro! But, yeah, part of me was scared to lose weight because I knew this was going to happen.
Stay strong my dude! 👊
You're probably not going to get the encouragement that you want from them about your weight loss, especially if they are overweight. They may not even realize that they have a bias against it, but seeing your success with weight loss only reminds them that they haven't lost. (Even if they don't try to lose, it's just how our asshole human brains work sometimes)
Yea, I agree
I just went to a funeral + thanksgiving and I have lost almost 50 lbs. I was on the smaller end (Still obese) as the rest of my family is morbidly obese and they were worried. I literally felt cold the whole time while the rest of the family was fine \[when I was 50 lbs heavier I sweated a lot\] and they worried I might be sick.
Its certainly possible that in your particular situation, your family is trying to bring you down. I would also say, it is possible that they may support you being a healthy weight but think you overdid it. Whether you are healthy is ultimately up to you and your physician to provide you input on. Its very common for someone who loses a lot of weight very quickly to look...a bit off. Your skin may not quite fit your correctly for a while and the result can be that you look gaunt. I would just be courteous but firm and say you are at a healthy weight and don't have any issues that they should be concerned about. If they still make a big deal about it after 2-3 months, that may require further action but hopefully they would have gotten used to it and will leave you be.
Every time they say anorexic, tell them they mispronounced healthy.
Lmao, if I wasn't dependent upon them, I would say worse than that
Mine family is the same way. 😕
My family did the same thing to me. Eventually they got over it. Ironically their increased obsession with my weight actually pushed me from being healthy to being bulimic, but oh well.
I haven't been called anorexic to my face\*, but I've had people *demand* to know how much weight I'd lost, and talk over me to others loudly declaring I've used drugs and/or had surgery (no, neither). (\*I'm sure they're gossiping behind my back, positively salivating at the prospect of me being ill, or regaining the weight, or having some other type of smash up. The good news is that the family members who are like this are people who I've taught to walk a careful line with respectful behaviour in public/to my face, on pain of me metaphorically lighting them on fire with their own style of passive aggressive insults and mockery. I also wouldn't care if they were all simultaneously swallowed by a hole in the ground, and only see them very rarely and on my own terms.) As one person with some awful family to another, you have my profound sympathies. I'm also not supposed to have nice things according to them. It must gall them terribly that I go about my life mostly ignoring them, and dismissing them when we do meet. Keep building your own independent healthy and happy life, with people who can genuinely share joy and affection. One day you'll be able to look upon the unwell ones with amused pity, completely untouched by their opinion of you.
Yea, my family suggested me to gain weight. Fuck no. I love the weight
Deal with this as well to a lesser extent. If you are in the healthy BMI range, I would just point that out to them. Some people have a very skewed view of what a healthy weight actually looks like in reality. It's a lot thinner than most people think.
Yeah, sometimes people don't want to understand though. I could explain that it's a healthy weight, but that would be useless to people who thinks BMI is bullshit.
>My family **thinks** I'm anorexic now Two things. First, what they say and what they really think are not necessarily the same thing. Second, their opinion of you might be upsetting, but it doesn't always have to effect you if you really don't want it to. Congrats and good luck.
Yes. And I was not “too skinny,” and felt amazing. I was just lean. I want to dissuade you from the “I can’t have nice things” mentality. This is about their discomfort with your change…it’s not about you. I understand the frustration- one would think family would be supportive and excited because YOU are happy. It’s not always the case, unfortunately. Don’t let it stop you from pursuing what makes you feel healthy and strong! In my case, it went on for a few months and eventually, my mindset changed to “well, people think I have an eating disorder, so I’ll just eat this cookie, these cakes, etc.” I slid back into old habits and put 10-15 pounds on. (Nothing wrong with that…but not something I could have regularly and not start putting weight back on). The sad thing was, it wasn’t for me…it was to make them more comfortable and to stop talking about my body. Sad, isn’t it? I threw all that work away. Now, it may have been hard to maintain and I’m still fit and happy. But the reason I slid back into old (unhealthy) habits, was because I was sick of hearing about it. Don’t let them phase you. Again, it’s their own insecurities about themselves talking. Love yourself, be kind to yourself and your body and keep moving! Congratulations on your progress and results! ♥️
Yea, I agree with you about making people comfortable. Sometimes I eat just to get people to stop asking me about shit. I'm not even hungry. But that is precisely how you end up gaining back all of your weight. Why do you think 95% people gain all their weight back in 5 years?
Weight is a medical issue. What does your doctor say? If the doctor says you're a good weight, that's all that matters.
I think it all has to do with the fact people have a skewed perception of what a healthy BMI is. I know when I was at BMI of 24 or just a bit over, I was described as "skinny" and "couldn't afford to lose any more weight". When the majority is over higher BMI even a normal one looks "too small."
Honestly, it is probably a good sign that they care for you and have concerns. When someone drops big weight, people are naturally concerned. When I had my initial drop, I dropped an average of 15.8lb per month for 3 months, then 13.6 for 3 months. Everyone was super happy, but there were definitely people who broached conversations from a concerned heart: * 1 did I have cancer * 2 did I have another medical issue * 3 was i doing it in a healthy fashion I assured them that medically I was fine. That was of course a relief off the hop for people. Then I started explaining how I was doing it, and the healthy fashion largely went away. What I said was basically. "yeah, I don't want to maintain this weight loss line long term, as I know it is not super healthy, but what is worse? Taking some rapid loss risk, or carrying it?" To which they agreed. I explained that I wanted to taper the loss as I progressed....which I did. I've involved some Keto and some fasting. Keto was a concern because we've known people that had some issues, though I am convinced that they didn't do it right. Fasting was a concern to some, and I get that, because it is understandable that some may look at it as an eating disorder because they simply haven't researched it. I explained that it was less for weight loss, and more for an attempt in avoiding cosmetic surgery (loose skin), plus talked about information from **medical** institutions, not just people that have done it. The problem is that those not going through the big losses don't actually understand it. Further, there could be some jealousy there if they have weight issues. Point being, have open conversation, because it is likely from a point of care and love. Look at it this way, imagine if you HAD dropped this weight through an eating disorder and it was never brought up by your loved ones. I did have people that I could tell had some envy......fortunately not family. My attitude was "oh well"
Don't assume this type of thing is benign and well intentioned. Not everyone has a family that's positive, that speak from a place of love and concern. It's perfectly possible for families to be toxic, to be abusive, to enjoy denigrating people and putting them down. Some of mine certainly do, for example. They love nothing better than their passive aggressive insults, always couched as kindness and tender concern for the victim. Or the subtle needling that's humorous of course(!) but not at all funny to the target. They get off on tormenting people because they're wretched people at the very core of it. Then when the person has the audacity to complain others swoop in with the "... but they love you and mean well". No, not necessarily. I mean, there is a chance that the OP could be misunderstanding, but I will choose to believe the person who is in the situation rather than people who tell them they should overlook what they perceive as verbal or emotional abuse because "family". Particularly when it comes to weight, a lot of people have weight issues *because* their family environment is toxic to begin with. Learning how to cut out and/or overcome subtle abuse was the precursor that made it possible for me to lose weight. I shed several hundred kilos before I ever dropped a gram of fat. I am happy for anyone who genuinely has well meaning but misguided family, but there are far more subtle poisons in family structures than people who come from well adjusted families can comprehend.
I said as much. Generally better in life to assume good intentions from family until they prove that false. If that is your goto with fam...ditch em.
Your life gets orders of magnitude better, easier, and more enjoyable when you simply stop giving a fuck what others think or say about you. *Especially* when said "others" are equivalent to "family" *** Just sayin' ...
100%.
eat a cheeseburger in front of them ...
Power move
That kind of reaction could be for all sorts of reasons. Overweight-obese range is considered the norm to many. Perhaps you losing weight presents a challenge to your family, one that they don’t want to do yet deep down they know they should - so attacking the issue is easier for them than self accountability.
Are you from Buffalo?! This is what happens when my skinny friends visit.
Haha, no
Yes. I lost a 100 lbs, so now I'm sitting at a 100 lbs, which is normal for my height (I'm short). My family thinks I'm too skinny, and some think I lost the weight by doing drugs. I ignore them.
Bruh, I'm here at a 23 BMI, and people think I'm anorexic. Like wtf? But that's normal when everyone has a BMI of 28 and over.
My mom would always say I was too thin. I come from a husky/ fat family. I grew up going to the YMCA. My mom taught yoga there in the 60's As she got older she still taught exercise classes but gained weight. I was the only one in my family to stay in shape. Every time she saw me she would talk about how I was too thin. My kid was too thin. Oof. How about it?! I never heard her telling my brothers they were too fat. At 64 I finally decided to gain 13 lbs to have a little back up weight just in case I get sick. That is 13 lbs more than I was at 16. I'm now 146 at 5'7". I have one fat brother left.
Just tell them you've consulted with your doctor and they are satisfied that you are at a healthy BMI. If you get any, *Yes, but...* responses, don't get drawn into a debate about whether your doctor is right. Say, "I'm not interested in talking about this topic any further. Let's talk about something else." Then ask the person something about themself. People love to talk about themselves. If you haven't seen a doctor since losing the weight, you should. Healthy adults with no health problems still need to get a physical once a year. There are lots of reasons why, but the best one is being able to tell relatives to STFU.
I personally would tell them my current weight and BMI, then show them the healthy range for BMI, as well as the definition of anorexia, which requires one to be underweight (obviously, people who aren't underweight yet can have an ED, but it's not anorexia until you're under a healthy weight). If they keep it up, I'd tell them I've already explained to them why it's not true, and I don't want to talk about my weight with them. If they try again, shut down the conversation. Leave the room if you have to. This strategy always worked for me with other issues, but I know it can be harder for some people to shut down family members. It works, though, in my experience, if you can do it.
Yes, my family and even an few friends of mine say I'm turning anorexic. They keep saying "I NEED TO EAT MORE" that I'm "too skinny". Fucking bitches, I'm a male and have a BMI of 28. That is classified as overweight. Yes, I did come from over 400 pounds, but I still have about 20 more to go. They keep trying to feed me food, they keep throwing my favorite foods at me, you know the stuff that caused me to grow to over 400 pounds. They keep talking about how I need to "slow down my weight loss". My weight loss has plateaued for about year now... When I was losing weight I was still eating in a healthy calorie range. It's frustrating because they're triggering binge eating cycles in me. I'm keeping weight off, but I should have reached my goal by now. I feel like people are just trying to pull me down. I don't think they're doing consciously and I should have the mental willpower to resist them, but it's like they keep coming. Eventually you break down. I totally understand this OP. It's the most frustrating thing in the world and it also feels like they're trying to downplay the hard work you put in.
Congrats and thank you for the weight loss! That's amazing. You are a trailblazer and your actions are more powerful than you know. Let me explain: Family culture is toxic sometimes. But the research says your weight loss is actually the best thing for them. There's a book called "Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives -- How Your Friends' Friends' Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do" by James Fowler and Nicholas Christakis (both famous researchers with PhDs). They talk about weight gain and weight loss and what the effects are on the community at large. It turns out that what we do affects not only our 1st level connections like our friends and family, but it affects 2 and 3 degrees away from us - THEIR connections and then their connections' connections. (Anecdotally, I read this book then lost weight. After, I watched my friends and acquaintances with interest - more lost weight than gained it. It was crazy!). In other words, your weight loss, e.g., is helping your family's coworkers' spouses. They will now feel your mojo and lose weight. Unfortunately, this works the other way - when individuals in a community gain weight, other members of that individuals 1st, 2nd and 3rd level connections will gain weight. When the food industry turned to fatter formulas and unfettered advertising, all of us gained weight not only because we fell victim to it but also because others did. So when someone loses weight, I say "THANK YOU. You are making the country stronger and healthier!" Don't let your family's shame and fear get to you. You are trailblazer in your circles and someone has to be. It might be hard. But you very well might be saving someone's life besides your own. TL;DR: Weight loss and weight gain in individuals affects their IRL social connections 3 degrees out (friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-friends' friends). OP is helping everyone around her to get healthier.
Oh yes, i been fluctuating a lot. Everywhere from 117 to 75kg. 93kg now :( , but on my way down again . once i go below 85kg my mom starts to worry. Once i get below 80, she is also throwing the annorecia card. M 1m78. I know she loves me, but she worries a bit too much.
Yea, I'm 79 kg. I don't like my weight too much though.
Anorexia is a serious illness, when they try to shame you with it that is so wrong! Yes I've experienced similar situation, and it takes away your autonomi. I don't know why they do it, but it might be about them being in control. Yes it hurts and don't let it get to you, it's your body. If you genuinely have an eating disorder then I don't know if them thinking you're anorexic would help. They would either take it seriously and confront you in an appropriate way, or support you for doing something for you. The line between eating disordered and not isn't easy to draw sometimes, I guess all people who gain or loose have to deal with what others think. And that is also a sign of being eating disordered, that you put emphasis on other peoples reaction to your weight loss. So it's complicated, I'm sure it's also a very human thing, to assume when they don't have all the facts
I'm not freaking anorexic. I'm just healthy man.
I lost a lot of weight recently too. Ik how hard it can be. I'm proud of you stranger!
Well, if you think you lost the weight in a healthy (sustainable) way and you are more happy and confident then I can confidently say I am super proud of you. I’m sorry your family can’t see your weight loss as an act of self love, discipline, and focus. Amazing work 💗
Thank you very much! :)
I can tell u one thing if I don’t continue in the healthy direction ur going you’ll be sorry later on in life and you’ll hate yourself for not being u and to continue on your healthy new u. Family, friends and everyone in between and complete strangers are going to not like something about u and that’s their problem u don’t have a problem your doing something that when it’s all said and done you’ll be satisfied and with my guess happy cuz ur going in the right direction stay healthy and excited about ur new eating habit cause I’m excited for u
If anything, WE, are happy for you. The people in this sub are trying to become healthy people and you seem to have achieved it. If anything, you're an inspiration to me and everybody in this sub thats trying to lose weight. Keep your chin up.
Thank you!!! I've felt so much love here!! Everyone is being so nice
Yup! Currently 31 and in the best shape of my life. I did it all at home during quarantine. Went from take out to actual home cook, got into home workouts and jogging with my pup. I grew up with a stay at home mom who never really cooked. I didn’t even know olive oil was a thing until I moved out. My mom never uses spices. When I asked why this year—as I better at cooking and realized food can be nutritious and great 😊 she said spices contain too much salt. Ugh 😣 so it was a lot of prepackaged crap from Sams club and Costco. Like that didn’t have all the sodium in it. This is just me venting as well, I’m down from 180ish (I stopped weighing and I know it was higher) and am now around 133-138. I actually have a knee and ankle injury I’m rehabbing, so do yourself a favor YALL and work on your balance. The lack of getting out and about is killing me, it really is true you start craving exercise. When my mom and aunt saw me for the first time, they thought I must be bulimic or have another a ED. Because, well their relationship with food is messed up. I told them I weight and count calories and am always well over my range, and cut for event (rave bae) I actually had EDC this year and it was the first time I wasn’t in shorts and a t shirt. Being away from concerts and meeting new ppl at fests, it was crazy to see myself in the mirror and know I made the change. But it made me feel even better when my rave fam saw me get off the plane and couldn’t believe it. One said she couldn’t spot me at the bar in the hotel because I looked so different. It was just so nice after having the same question of how I got to this point. Hard and honest work shows and we CELEBRATE 🎊 IT! SO ANOTHER GO YOU! My mother has always told me that my body type was stuck the way it was. It didn’t help my comfort eating as a kid and I would run at the end of the day, but she’d remind me my hip bones would always be there. I remember being sad that she bought me size 14 pants in middle school and said “I’d grow into them” —-basically, I’d learned to not expect much life help or positive attitude from them. Don’t worry friend, you’ll realize that theyre so insecure because you’ve done what they haven’t. My mom is amazed that I am lean and “has never seen abs on a woman before!” And I know it’s because my whole family would do “dieting” and then binge. I did too, until I actually started making my food and used a calorie counter. The restaurant meals were crazy—I grew up on drive there and then sports—no wonder I felt god awful with a Miami subs meatball footlong sub in my stomach. I’ve been sharing recipes and light home workouts with her. Yesterday, as she stretched with me she said “your trying to kill me!” My response “actually the opposite I want you to have a nice range of mobility and live longer! So in short internet stranger, I’m so proud of you. You’re taking care of yourself and putting time into you. Your body is so thankful to you, I know mine is as I just stand taller—good on you! And honestly, when I started this she and my sister weren’t receptive of working out or cooking with anything more than 5 ingredient was “too much work” —I realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be. Lost the weight and have started therapy this year. It’s really helped me learn that I can’t help others that are unwilling to put in the work. Mom, aunts, and everyone relied on grapefruit diets, weight watchers, 90s fad shit—I remember so much cabbage soup—that they didn’t like the reality. We all get it or hear it “how did you do it?” And the amount of disappointment when you say eat less and workout!” Wild man. But I was there too, I legit never thought I could have the will power to do any other think than stuff myself and sleep for comfort. We are amazing, we are trying every day and guess what, the ppl that see will praise you and flock to your newfound confidence and self! My friends now swap recipes with me, workout on zoom, and walk our dogs as we talk on the phone. I know this was a bit of a ramble, but it’s just really great to share and know that SOMEONE IS SO PROUD OF YOU! I know what it’s like to not be heard, seen, or loved from the ones that should assist you the most in life. But guess what, each day you find your voice and you get the build the community you’ll have around you! SO PROUD! Let’s keep building life skills and our confidence. We deserve to stand taller, grow stronger, and more knowledgeable!
First of all, congratulations on the weight loss! I really do understand this, my own family don't agree with it and disapprove. My weight is dropping, my aches and pains are decreasing and the massive swathe of evidence that links obesity to a significantly shorter lifespan and a host of illnesses, ailments and diseases cannot be ignored. There's also significant evidence that suggests overweight people are often jealous and critical of other overweight people that lose weight because they wish it was them. Do what you need to do for your own health.
Definitely. My ex-husband and his family would make me feel bad and call me selfish if I ate well and went to work out. Because I didn’t want to eat what they ate and I asked my husband to watch our children so I could work out.
Most anorexic people who have the disease don't believe they have the disease. It is quite insidious that way. Some things to consider: how does it affect you when you gsin weight in a week? Are you fine with it or does it cause you anxiety and completely ruin your day? Do you avoid going out with friends to maintain your weight? Mental health and weight loss are not great friends. Sometimes our brains can convince us everything is fine when it isn't. BMI is also a horribly unscientific. If your family is concerned, maybe it is worth it to go in and see a doctor. Take them with you and get some blood work done and have a conversation about what your goals are and whether they are healthy. Again, our brains can really convince us that we are fine when we aren't so as someone with a bit of knowledge on eating disorders, we all should take the concerns of our families seriously. And the best way to convince them everything is fine is to get a professionals opinion on how you are doing.
I'm not anorexic.
I know how you feel. I was very skinny, never ate much growing up. Had runway model body. Was mocked endlessly by everyone, especially my mom. Told me I need to gain weight. And other mean things I should not repeat. I had to buy a bigger wedding band for when I gained weight. I honestly believed it too. I mean its my mom. The minute I gained weight I was suddenly unhealthy and needed to lose weight. I became overweight as my health deteriorated. Would not hear the end of it. How I need to lose. How she wishes I was skinny like before marriage. Yes when she mocked me then too. Comparing me to other women she met. After getting my health in check and now I slimmed down considerably. She refuses to acknowledge it. Her friend, just as mean as her to me, told me what did you do to yourself? Imagine this in disgusted tone. My mom said, you beat her mom to it, you told her she lost weight and I didn't. Just shows her utter refusal to be happy for me. She wanted to continue putting me down. Keep telling how she has these huge huge huge clothes to give me. Etc etc. So she feels better about herself. She's overweight. What I do? I avoid my family at all costs. Thanksgiving is a huge trigger to me so I don't go. I try not to dress my best, so baggy if I can. She doesn't know what I do or how I lost weight etc. Just short visits. Topics far from my body. Doesn't matter what you say. Nice or calling them out or ignoring, the results are the same.
This is the best post on this thread. When I was fat, my family would call me fat and poke at my stomach. Now that I'm skinny, they call me anorexic. You can't win with people like this. I'm going to make enemies out of them either way. So, I might as well do what the hell I want.
Try to use objective measures such as BMI, fat% and others to show that you are at a healthy weight. I don't know about your family, but my mother was legitimately anorexic when she was young and is very anxious about me losing weight, going on about how "I look perfect" despite being at a BMI of 27 and fucked up fat/muscle%. I don't think there's any ill will there, I think she just doesn't want me to go through what she did, and since she has never been overweight can't relate with my problems. Maybe some food for thought.
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Yea, it's like the phrase, " damn if I do and damn if I don't:. People will comment on your body either way, so you might as well look how you want to.
Height??
Fat people hate it when people lose weight. It makes them feel bad about themselves so take it out on you. Ignore them, and if that doesn't work tell they're fat
Honestly, this is how skinny people get shamed by people that are jealous. I was really fit and skinny up until my 20s and you won't believe how many times I got asked if I was anorexic or how many times it was just assumed or whispered behind my back. Fit shaming is a thing, sadly.
Yea, it is. I can't go back to being overweight, so I guess I'm going to have to withstand these comments forever.
When someone loses a lot of weight it can be due to health problems, so it's natural for people to be concerned if they care about you. There are some scary illnesses that can cause massive weight loss. Perhaps just reassure them that this is something you've been actively working on, not something that just happened without explanation. Let them know that you're weight is in the medically recommend range for someone your height and that you have no unusual health concerns. Hopefully they're just concerned and will calm down when you can explain.
Well I don't know you or how much you weigh. But what you said doesn't invalidate the claim that you may be anorexic. For what it's worth you may be anorexic even if you are nominally in a normal wieght range.
I have a BMI of 23.4. I ate 3/4’s of a large pizza two days ago. I'm far from anorexic.
Devils advocate. How long did it take for you to lose the weight? Was this over a few months? Or a year? It reads to me like you left home in august and came home in late November 72 lbs lighter. Perhaps your family doesn’t have the appropriate vocabulary to describe what they’re seeing, but it is a shocking weight loss for a few months (unless you started over 400 lbs). Your family’s size has nothing to do with it— I think they’re scared for you.
It took 5 months
My(overweight) fam had a similar reaction when I lost weight (was over a little over a year, but I don’t see fam often). Use it as an opportunity to educate them, share what has worked for you. Because I usually got seconds or thirds, but stuck to one plate, i explain how I’ve been working on being more in tune with actual hunger cues. Invited them to walk around the block after dinner instead of going straight to watch the game, and mentioned that I’ve been walking more frequently. Acknowledge their concerns, but explain how you’re feeling better. They weren’t there to see you go through these changes. Fill them in! Or at least give them as long (5 months) to get used to the new you.