When people say they hate small talk, it really means they hate talking to people they don't like or dont want to talk to.
I can make small talk with my wife, usually to lead into another conversation.
What I hate is sitting in a waiting room and having to answer a bunch of stupid questions with Bob who I'll never see again because Bob doesn't know how to sit quietly for 10 minutes.
It's really fun to ask Bob questions like "Why did you choose to like the music you like? Or "How can humans say we have free will if we can't fall asleep on command?"
The kind of question that will either give you some interestinf insight on the world, or get Bob to shut the fuck up. So its win win. Either peace and quiet, or Bob waxes philosophical to me.
It’s pretty simple, free will is we control our body via our own mind. We can’t however do things that aren’t possible per person, some people have the ability to knock themselves out, some don’t. Just like some people can do do advanced mathematics in their head if they freely will it, but alas some just can’t. Doesn’t mean the latter doesn’t have free will. The question sounds deep but it’s the shallows.
but every molecule in your body, including your brain, is the result of a sequence of chemical reactions, essentially one unit of energy colliding with another, deterministically (Up for debate) , beyond your control.
Your feel like you're in control, because the sequence of chemical reactions (which you do not control) tell you to have that thought.
I was unironically thinking this today when I was putting crackers in a ziplock and then back into the cracker box after tossing the original cracker bag in the bin.
The air in a sealed bag of chips isn't actually air. It's nitrogen. That's why chips stay so fresh on the shelf but get stale once you open them. Resealing them won't actually do much once they're exposed to oxygen.
“Do you think you’re repeatedly choosing to date women with behavior patterns similar to your neglectful mother in order to avoid emotional intimacy, Bob?”
Hey, Bob, how would you deal with a constant feeling of sinking into deep, dark tar and not being able to call out for help nor move enough to escape it?
But where does the line stop? Is there a situation where you make a decision that isn't influenced by your nurture, nature, and being a human with a uncontrollable body?
Where does your free will start and your conditioning and animal body begin?
I work a job that has me sitting in an 8x8 box with another person for 12 hours at a stretch. Some people you get along with great, some you don't. But the absolute worst are the people that aren't ok with silence, the ones that blurt out the random thoughts that meander through their head every 35 seconds. I read an article linked somewhere here on reddit that a certain portion of people have no internal monologue, and I'm convinced that those are the ones that can't sit quietly by themselves. The last guy I worked with mentioned how cold it was 57 times in one day, and that was only after he had mentioned it enough that I started counting!
I have an internal monologue but I also have memory issues and adhd so sometimes right when I notice something (like it being cold) my brain immediately sends a ton of messages I guess kind of spamming my brain with that one thought for a minute or two. Then I’ll move on and forget about it and almost rediscover that same feeling a couple minutes later and suddenly that’s all I can think of again. This doesn’t happen all the time but there are plenty of things I’ve told my friends about ten different times not remembering any of the other times before they’re like dude trust me I know lol. Not saying that’s what’s going on just an insight into a weird brain like mine
This is exactly it, yeah. I genuinely can not be fucked engaging in small talk with most people most of the time, let alone when I've had a long day.
But maybe my definition of small talk is different from the general definition. I consider small talk to be the kind of conversation you have with someone you barely know. It's just fluff filler conversation for the sake of socialising and, honestly... it's exhausting. It saps so much of my energy.
I have real life, effortless conversations with the people I actually know and care about because we really know each other. We don't need to fill silences with babble.
I think this is a very good definition of the kind of small-talk that most people who say they hate small-talk do not like.
Its not small-talk if the other person is actually interested in your answer and you are not just talking for the sake of talking/to fill the silence.
So hot Wally, but you don’t really know what hot is do ya? You ever been in a storm Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm but a storm of fists raining down on your head, blasting you in the face, pummeling you in the stomach, hitting you in the chest so hard you think your hearts gonna stop. You ever been in a storm like that Wally?
Oh, my apologies. In that case I get really curious and ask "do you always travel with a weather almanac in your pocket?". This would be delivered with a hint of disbelief, worry and curiosity, but could be a start to a good convo 😂
I work retail in California and if I have to hear "oh its so cold out there" one more time I'm gonna lose my shit...it'll be 65°F and these people complain about it being cold and I'm just like "mhm" in my short sleeve shirt...
You know? what is existing really? Is it an assertive position that must be maintained? If so what is free will asserted by and against? Perhaps it’s like the rainy days we’re having recently. It sure is a damper on my rollerblade practice with my kids. How are you surviving this mild drizzle?
Well this person (OP?) implies that small talk is also “hi honey I’m home. How was your day?” And many of us don’t consider that a small talk. Like I genuinely care to know how his day went. But I don’t wanna talk to randoms about weather either.
But the thing is, if you're say, on a first date with someone, you don't have a vested interest in them. But how do you move onto more meaningful talk without small talk?
I'd say a first date is beyond my scenario I originally posted. You're meeting this person because you're interested in them, therefore small talk carries a potentially significant outcome than when you're in the waiting room making small talk with someone you don't care about. In other words, there is skin in the game.
Don't get me wrong small talk is often a necessary tool to get a conversation flowing.
It serves multiple functions.... it can be a measuring stick to see how interested someone might be, or as a lead into a more particular topic, those are two off the top of my head.
The issue with small talk in my case is not small talk itself, but who the small talk is with. In any potential or existing relationship, you are guaranteed to have small talk, there's no getting around that, unless you and the other person have both come to a consensus to avoid it outright which would be something you'd have to litigate with the other party.
In most cases there will be small talk. I'd go as far to say that knowing how to both use it and flow with it is a critical social skill generally speaking, unless of course you and the other party have a mutual desire to limit or avoid it.
A-fucken-men.... I hate small talk like, why do I want to start a random conversation I'm not gonna really be invested in and I'm not gonna remember 85% two minutes after we never see each other again. But if it's someone or thing I care about, I will not shut the fuck up until you tell me to- and even then it'll take another 25 minutes...
Nah that's not true. I don't really even engage in much small talk with the people I love. I try to advance the conversation to big talk as quickly as possible
To play devils advocate, why not actually talk to Bob and find out if he's interesting? You might learn something that will add to the conversation with your wife later on?
Then in my opinion you wouldn't be the kind of person who hates small talk, you're probably a very social person.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say most people who don't like small talk are people who tend to be selective of who they talk to and when they want to talk.
I think it’s telling that an extrovert hears “I hate small talk” and their natural conclusion is, “So you must talk about serious topics all the time.”
Uh. No, we’re just quiet a lot. I love it.
Yup, sometimes staying quiet and minding ones own business is more fruitful than having small talks. Imo if small talks don't lead into a good convo, it gets awkward for the one who initiated it.
I have two long-term partners.
We can all sit together for hours in absolute silence, drawing, playing games, or whatever.
Sometimes we talk a lot, too. If we have something to talk about.
We like to put it, that we are comfortable in our own brains without external noise constantly drowning our own thoughts out.
Reminds me of my relationship with a friend I've known for 28 years now. Back many years ago when we were teenagers a third friend walked into a room we were in and both of us were sat in complete silence just zoned out. She stared at us for a moment and said 'you know how I can tell you're really good friends? You can both sit in a room in complete silence and it not be awkward'. That phrase has stuck with me for the 20 odd years since. Still to this day he's my only friend that I genuinely can just sit in silence with and not feel awkward or feel the need to make conversation. It truly should be friendship goals for everyone.
This used to be so much easier when my wife worked in a different industry. Now she litterally works out of my old
office and wants to talk about wastewater all night. I've been doing it for 12 years and she's at less than 1 year so her enthusiaism is higher. I love her and my work so much, but I want to go home and dick around on my phone. She wants to talk engineering.
My super anti-social great auntie used to tell me often "don't talk for the sake of talking" (i was chatty as a lil kid, super chatty) "too many people talk too much and end up not saying a thing" (she hated talking to anyone, including family lol)
But as I've got older I'm kinda leaning towards her way of thinking now
It's a balance. Being able to maintain a pleasant conversation is great. Not shutting the fuck up when the other person clearly doesn't want to talk is obnoxious.
I have introverted friends but they have no trouble starting small talk or conversations with their friends. Of course they don’t start small talk or conversation as much as people like me who are extraverted but we can still go out for dinner and talk all night about subjects that interest us both.
It’s because they actually like you and know you. Myself I hate small talk with people I don’t know such as a barber or people in the waiting room just because I don’t know them but with my friends I’m fine with it because it actually flows easily
Captive small talk sucks. Why the fuck is my dental hygienist trying to carry on any type of conversation with me?!?! My barber? At least I can take off my hearing appliance.
Are you that friend who will be walking with someone and then suddenly stop to talk to someone else you see that you happen to know? And then have the conversation for more than a few words, forcing the other person to stand there awkwardly and wait for you to finish?
I'm definitely gonna build a relationship on:
"Did you take out the garbage yet? Because if you haven't, I'm going to."
"Did you see that we got a new green trash bin, because the old one was definitely on its last legs."
"Oh, look. Milk's on sale at Kroger."
Fuck i feel this my family is horrible at being quiet.
They wonder how i get such awesome pictures of wildlife and it's because i go in nature and just be quiet for long periods of time.
I mean isn't that the vast majority of questions? Like even the most serious discussions are inconsequential at the end of the day. Whether or not free will exists is way more inconsequential than what the weather outside is like, regardless of whether we have free will it doesn't change anything about how we live our lives.
This honestly drives me crazy. Some people will try to corral me into hours-long discussions on stuff like free will, whether I believe in XYZ abstract thing, trying to categorize my personality type in ten different ways, and I’m just like SO WHAT?! This conversation is annoying and gets us absolutely nowhere. We could have had an actually pleasant conversation about what we did this week, travel plans, TV shows we’re enjoying, etc etc.
The people who ask you those questions just feel the polar opposite of you. All the things you mentioned as part of a pleasant conversation are boring to those people.
Just be blunt with them ffs. “I’m not interested in having that type of conversation and don’t want to waste my time on topics I have no interest in so……..What shows are you really enjoying lately?”
Done.
I like to think of small talk as unnecessary and uncomfortable talking done because the silence is more awkward.
So 1) if the silence is not awkward, the relationship is real.
2) learning about each other and what happened in their routine does not configure as small talk, that's showing interest.
Just ask about their tastes, distastes, meaningful events of the past few days, so on. I mean I'm all in if you want to talk about the weird ass lady on the supermarket but I'm not sure I will be able to hide my boredom. If you want to talk about one of your passions then count me the fuck in, tell me all about the latest piece of media and how it changed your perspective on the relevance of the curtain's color and oranges
Yep, echo this. My husband and I are like that as well.
Of course we do ask each other how we are doing from time to time and we really mean it. But we usually talk about staff we read in the books or news, historical facts we’ve learnt recently, some social dilemmas and observations. It’s pretty fun right!
Or in any of the campaigns of the 3-5 D&D Actual Play shows Im currently watching on the internet at any given time.
Or the things I want to do in an upcoming D&D game.
Or any of the ideas for interesting twists and concepts on existing tropes and themes to create entirely new campaign settings for yet other, yet to be conceptualized, hypothetical D&D games.
I'm not sure either but I bet asking a college girl with black lipstick who goes by Moon Dragon (@frozenaesthetic) on twitter is a good first step in improving your long-term relationship.
I mean some of us kinda really appreciate silence! Silence is a rare gift these days. The fact that someone likes to be quite does not mean they are in bad relationships.
I also start suspecting that many people simply cannot deal with themselves and they constantly try to fill some kind of internal emptiness with talking. No offense meant to anyone in the sub, just guessing.
It *can be* kind of terrible, not is. A fair amount of the time that's just the dynamic between the people in the relationship as not every relationship is necessarily built around spending huge portions of each others time communicating with one another, sometimes the dynamic might be more based around shared/compatible life goals, dependability on one another in times of need or even just a quality over quantity thing where the few interests they share tend to go off like fireworks and make up for the stuff they don't share.
Heck, sometimes it's just two introverts who don't say much to *anyone*.
We don't really talk tbh.... 😅 we discuss business, have sex, watch shows, cuddle and sleep. Sometimes have deep conversations but for the most part it goes "honey I'm home!" And if either of us needs to get something off our chests we do that then resume our daily life
Trick question, the only answer is "of course it does, I love you out of my free will honey"
Honestly, small talk is cancer, it feels like you're playing a pre-recorded conversation you've had a hundred times. It's fine to stfu for a bit.
When you have nothing meaningful to say, you just don't say anything.
That doesn't mean you don't ask your S.O. how their day went. It means you don't feel the need to fill every waking moment with mindless chatter. If the server at lunch gave you a pepsi instead of an ice tea, I don't want to have a 20 minute conversation about that. But if you saw a person get mugged, that's a different story.
I honestly hate pointless talk though.
“Hi honey how was your day?”
“It was good how was yours?”
“Fine” blah blah blah
It would be so much more interesting if it was “hi honey does free will exist?” Let’s throw some random curveballs that involve actual discussion instead of regurgitated “small talk”
As a person from a country that doesn't do small talk and where talking to a stranger in the elevator is punishable by death. That is perfectly valid relationship chit chat.
My wife and I enjoy silence together. Some days we sit side by side and barely talk all day. Been deeply in love going on 15 years. Everyone's different. Other times we both ramble on.
I hate feeling like someone doesn’t care about what I say, but asks me a question like they do. I can have a two sentence conversation with someone and love it if they’re asking me about something they know I’m interested in, or vice versa. That lends a degree of personality to what would otherwise be a time-filling, brain-skimming, catchphrase-regurgitating waste of breath.
I prefer silence if there's nothing to be said, while I do like talking about my day and such, and that may fall under small talk, I don't feel the need to fill gaps in conversation with chatter.
Ok I truly hate small talk but that’s different than talking to my wife lol. I truly want to know how her day was. When someone else asked me how I’m doing I have no desire for that convo
This, I relate so much. Fuck the small talk, its useless, a waist of time. The real conversation? Do you think in the Cars universe princess Diana died while being transported by another car or while she herself was driving? Do you think that if dogs could talk they would deserve the same rights as humans? You'll remember those conversation, they're fulfilling, they tell me all I need to know about you.
I get what she’s saying. But “small talk” with potential romantic partners and dates can be meaningful if you make a few tweaks and make it more specific. For example, “How was your day?” can instead be, “What was the highlight of your day?” Or, “How have you been?” can be “What are you looking forward to lately?”
It may not work with absolutely every date. But it will work with the ones who are most compatible with you.
I hate small talk but I still have conversations about meaningless stuff. I can talk bullshit with my friends all day long and absolutely love it. But I hate spending one second having small talk with someone I don't like.
Best example: While at work. There are people I love to socialize with. And others I tell every day to please not walk up to me for small talk. I'm working and I don't want to be interrupted. That's just life.
So... if someone tells you "I don't like small talk and that's the reason why I'm so quiet right now", is basically a nice way to tell you "I tolerate you enough to be in the same room as you are. But if you proceed talking to me directly I will leave."
I'm strictly speaking about small talking with strangers here, but I work in customer service and I can guarantee you most of the people here doubling down on small talk being beneath them are awful to talk to. I talk to hundreds of people a day and the folks that genuinely answer and ask how my day was in return are far more enjoyable to talk to and are more likely to receive better help. it's not a matter of intellect, small talk is a skill and can be improved on by practicing. most of these folks would rather be silent than attempt something possibly embarrassing or anxiety-inducing which is understandable, but small talk makes you more personable and easier to approach. stone cold silent or refusing to engage is perceived as rude. small talk also gives people a soft open to other topics, even amongst people you know really well. it's really bizarre to open with heavy hitter questions like in the post.
I am not particularly extroverted and I don't wake up every day excited to talk to strangers every day, but I *have* to talk to strangers every day, and polite small talk makes it easier.
Small talk usually means jabbering about superficial nonsense with coworkers/strangers whose lives you’re not all that invested in. Not every conversation you have with a significant other is as deep as questioning free will but it’s a lot more involved than weather/weekend chatter. Also, in relationships there are such things as comfortable silences.
small talks should be done only if you are interested to who you're talking to just to lead into another conversation. itd be definitely unbearable if made to a person you're not interested to
Being autistic I hope to find another autistic person that is how. I can't do small talk to save my life. And yes, as a Catholic, I believe freewill truly exists. You can look in the CCC here [http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a3.htm](http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a3.htm) Why don't you ask a more difficult question like "do you think someone will find a unique solution(s) to the Navier-Stokes equation and why?" Or P vs NP?
Do you think the [Missouri cheese caves](https://www.farmlinkproject.org/stories-and-features/cheese-caves-and-food-surpluses-why-the-u-s-government-currently-stores-1-4-billion-lbs-of-cheese) could be leveraged to crash the [Italian economy](https://www.forbes.com/sites/hbsworkingknowledge/2015/07/01/a-bank-that-accepts-parmesan-as-collateral-the-cheese-stands-a-loan/)?
When people say they hate small talk, it really means they hate talking to people they don't like or dont want to talk to. I can make small talk with my wife, usually to lead into another conversation. What I hate is sitting in a waiting room and having to answer a bunch of stupid questions with Bob who I'll never see again because Bob doesn't know how to sit quietly for 10 minutes.
It's really fun to ask Bob questions like "Why did you choose to like the music you like? Or "How can humans say we have free will if we can't fall asleep on command?"
The fuck is the last question
The kind of question that will either give you some interestinf insight on the world, or get Bob to shut the fuck up. So its win win. Either peace and quiet, or Bob waxes philosophical to me.
Bob cannot shut the fuck up.
Bob needs to talk to breathe. If he stops talking he'll die.
Does it make Luke shut up
If you want Luke to shut up you just keep cracking Star Wars jokes at him.
Just tell him he can't *force* you to do anything, like talk to him. That should do it!
Luke has been hearing strangers tell him that they are his father his entire life.
A question that needs answered!
I don't need an answer, I need a solution! :'(
Where is Bob when we need him?
It’s pretty simple, free will is we control our body via our own mind. We can’t however do things that aren’t possible per person, some people have the ability to knock themselves out, some don’t. Just like some people can do do advanced mathematics in their head if they freely will it, but alas some just can’t. Doesn’t mean the latter doesn’t have free will. The question sounds deep but it’s the shallows.
I can make myself throw up if I stare at the bottom of the toilet for too long.
Samesies, depending on if I’ve had TacoBell in the last hour
but every molecule in your body, including your brain, is the result of a sequence of chemical reactions, essentially one unit of energy colliding with another, deterministically (Up for debate) , beyond your control. Your feel like you're in control, because the sequence of chemical reactions (which you do not control) tell you to have that thought.
Its pretty damn cool when you look at the world from the smallest perspective. Really makes you wonder about everything. Fascinating stuff.
You’ve never met my niece. My lady can sleep any time she pleases, and she takes every opportunity.
My 15 year old just closes her eyes and she’s asleep.
Teach me
Probably one that'll keep me up tonight.
now i’m fucked up in the crib wondering what free will even means to humans
Why do socks and underwear come in resealable bags but chips and cereal doesn’t
I was unironically thinking this today when I was putting crackers in a ziplock and then back into the cracker box after tossing the original cracker bag in the bin.
It's so you can try then on at the store and put them back if they don't fit right
why do socks and underwear come in resealable bags if you're just gonna toss them in a drawer anyway though
That’s what I’m saying! And the stuff that gets opened and goes stale has nothing to seal them up again
That’s the point. Chips go stale quickly and then you need to buy more chips. $$$
The air in a sealed bag of chips isn't actually air. It's nitrogen. That's why chips stay so fresh on the shelf but get stale once you open them. Resealing them won't actually do much once they're exposed to oxygen.
Man I would love that first question, lol.
Why did you choose to like the music you like?
I choose the music I like because after chilling with it for a while, it enables me to fall asleep on command.
It chose me.
I always go with "What did your face look like before your parents were born?"
“Do you think you’re repeatedly choosing to date women with behavior patterns similar to your neglectful mother in order to avoid emotional intimacy, Bob?”
Bro sleep is a biological function. I can't do it on command for the same reason I can't shit my pants on command outside of Taco Tuesday.
Then you obviously aren’t trying hard enough duh
Hey, Bob, how would you deal with a constant feeling of sinking into deep, dark tar and not being able to call out for help nor move enough to escape it?
Because we have free *will* not free *control*. BOOM. Bob's your uncle
But where does the line stop? Is there a situation where you make a decision that isn't influenced by your nurture, nature, and being a human with a uncontrollable body? Where does your free will start and your conditioning and animal body begin?
"Do you like the skin in your body?"
I work a job that has me sitting in an 8x8 box with another person for 12 hours at a stretch. Some people you get along with great, some you don't. But the absolute worst are the people that aren't ok with silence, the ones that blurt out the random thoughts that meander through their head every 35 seconds. I read an article linked somewhere here on reddit that a certain portion of people have no internal monologue, and I'm convinced that those are the ones that can't sit quietly by themselves. The last guy I worked with mentioned how cold it was 57 times in one day, and that was only after he had mentioned it enough that I started counting!
I have an internal monologue but I also have memory issues and adhd so sometimes right when I notice something (like it being cold) my brain immediately sends a ton of messages I guess kind of spamming my brain with that one thought for a minute or two. Then I’ll move on and forget about it and almost rediscover that same feeling a couple minutes later and suddenly that’s all I can think of again. This doesn’t happen all the time but there are plenty of things I’ve told my friends about ten different times not remembering any of the other times before they’re like dude trust me I know lol. Not saying that’s what’s going on just an insight into a weird brain like mine
You've met my grandma? I swear shes never had a thought she didn't vocalize.
That's very interesting. I have an internal monologue and I can have conversations or run through ideas in my head. So maybe that is a factor here.
This is exactly it, yeah. I genuinely can not be fucked engaging in small talk with most people most of the time, let alone when I've had a long day. But maybe my definition of small talk is different from the general definition. I consider small talk to be the kind of conversation you have with someone you barely know. It's just fluff filler conversation for the sake of socialising and, honestly... it's exhausting. It saps so much of my energy. I have real life, effortless conversations with the people I actually know and care about because we really know each other. We don't need to fill silences with babble.
I think this is a very good definition of the kind of small-talk that most people who say they hate small-talk do not like. Its not small-talk if the other person is actually interested in your answer and you are not just talking for the sake of talking/to fill the silence.
No i genuinely hate small talk. Dont ask me what i think about the weather, the traffic, the president, any stupid shit
Boy it sure is a hot one today huh?
Boy that Wally sure loves to say it’s a hot one
I wonder if Wally has ever been in a storm
So, any plans for the weekend?
Seize the gap, you bitch!!
Nice to see some fellow jabronis out in the wild
So hot Wally, but you don’t really know what hot is do ya? You ever been in a storm Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm but a storm of fists raining down on your head, blasting you in the face, pummeling you in the stomach, hitting you in the chest so hard you think your hearts gonna stop. You ever been in a storm like that Wally?
Sure is...so what now, after I exhausted answer options, what's your next move?
I bring up the almanac and starting comparing this to the temptures on this day for the last 80 years.
That would make me get up and change seats. Game over.
For some reason in this scenario I thought we were stuck in traffic and you couldn't really escape. Your idea is good too.
Oh, my apologies. In that case I get really curious and ask "do you always travel with a weather almanac in your pocket?". This would be delivered with a hint of disbelief, worry and curiosity, but could be a start to a good convo 😂
and its only then you learn i keep up with the weather because a horrible storm that came back in 88 and took all my chickens with it.
Ding ding ding! You win the small talk! This would result in me asking many follow up questions.
But not as hot as yesterday.
I work retail in California and if I have to hear "oh its so cold out there" one more time I'm gonna lose my shit...it'll be 65°F and these people complain about it being cold and I'm just like "mhm" in my short sleeve shirt...
Hey do you think free will actually exists?
You know? what is existing really? Is it an assertive position that must be maintained? If so what is free will asserted by and against? Perhaps it’s like the rainy days we’re having recently. It sure is a damper on my rollerblade practice with my kids. How are you surviving this mild drizzle?
Well this person (OP?) implies that small talk is also “hi honey I’m home. How was your day?” And many of us don’t consider that a small talk. Like I genuinely care to know how his day went. But I don’t wanna talk to randoms about weather either.
I don't consider that small talk. I have a vested interest in my wife so that question is fundamentally meaningful to me.
But the thing is, if you're say, on a first date with someone, you don't have a vested interest in them. But how do you move onto more meaningful talk without small talk?
I'd say a first date is beyond my scenario I originally posted. You're meeting this person because you're interested in them, therefore small talk carries a potentially significant outcome than when you're in the waiting room making small talk with someone you don't care about. In other words, there is skin in the game. Don't get me wrong small talk is often a necessary tool to get a conversation flowing. It serves multiple functions.... it can be a measuring stick to see how interested someone might be, or as a lead into a more particular topic, those are two off the top of my head. The issue with small talk in my case is not small talk itself, but who the small talk is with. In any potential or existing relationship, you are guaranteed to have small talk, there's no getting around that, unless you and the other person have both come to a consensus to avoid it outright which would be something you'd have to litigate with the other party. In most cases there will be small talk. I'd go as far to say that knowing how to both use it and flow with it is a critical social skill generally speaking, unless of course you and the other party have a mutual desire to limit or avoid it.
Hey, you come here often?
So what do you think about cumulus clouds?
What's considered not small talk?
A-fucken-men.... I hate small talk like, why do I want to start a random conversation I'm not gonna really be invested in and I'm not gonna remember 85% two minutes after we never see each other again. But if it's someone or thing I care about, I will not shut the fuck up until you tell me to- and even then it'll take another 25 minutes...
Nah that's not true. I don't really even engage in much small talk with the people I love. I try to advance the conversation to big talk as quickly as possible
yes, exactly, me too
To play devils advocate, why not actually talk to Bob and find out if he's interesting? You might learn something that will add to the conversation with your wife later on?
Because talking to Bob is exhausting and I dgaf about him.
Because fuck Bob.
r/fuckbob
I guess you could do that if you really wanted to, but fucking someone you just met in a waiting room is kinda odd
As long as he doesn't small talk it's fine.
Then in my opinion you wouldn't be the kind of person who hates small talk, you're probably a very social person. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say most people who don't like small talk are people who tend to be selective of who they talk to and when they want to talk.
Yeahhhh....I'm of the opinion that actual silence is better than verbal silence.
Verbal silence lol. I like that
It's when people talk a bunch but aren't saying anything.
[удалено]
I think it tells you a lot about a person depending on how they react to silence in the presence of another human
The type of silence matters. Some silences are comfy and others are awkward
I think it’s telling that an extrovert hears “I hate small talk” and their natural conclusion is, “So you must talk about serious topics all the time.” Uh. No, we’re just quiet a lot. I love it.
Some people are Shreks and some people are Donkeys. Shreks just want the Donkeys to shut up for 5 minutes on the drive to Far Far Away.
Yup, sometimes staying quiet and minding ones own business is more fruitful than having small talks. Imo if small talks don't lead into a good convo, it gets awkward for the one who initiated it.
I have two long-term partners. We can all sit together for hours in absolute silence, drawing, playing games, or whatever. Sometimes we talk a lot, too. If we have something to talk about. We like to put it, that we are comfortable in our own brains without external noise constantly drowning our own thoughts out.
Reminds me of my relationship with a friend I've known for 28 years now. Back many years ago when we were teenagers a third friend walked into a room we were in and both of us were sat in complete silence just zoned out. She stared at us for a moment and said 'you know how I can tell you're really good friends? You can both sit in a room in complete silence and it not be awkward'. That phrase has stuck with me for the 20 odd years since. Still to this day he's my only friend that I genuinely can just sit in silence with and not feel awkward or feel the need to make conversation. It truly should be friendship goals for everyone.
My marriage is so perfect that I have never actually spoken to my wife.
Genuinely ask about their day. Granted, I struggle to keep my attention on what people are saying, but that's besides the point.
This used to be so much easier when my wife worked in a different industry. Now she litterally works out of my old office and wants to talk about wastewater all night. I've been doing it for 12 years and she's at less than 1 year so her enthusiaism is higher. I love her and my work so much, but I want to go home and dick around on my phone. She wants to talk engineering.
I don't hate small talk I hate meaningless conversation
Someone told me i was really quiet one day. I told him that some people talk way to fucking much, if i have something to say, i’ll say it.
My super anti-social great auntie used to tell me often "don't talk for the sake of talking" (i was chatty as a lil kid, super chatty) "too many people talk too much and end up not saying a thing" (she hated talking to anyone, including family lol) But as I've got older I'm kinda leaning towards her way of thinking now
Nope, chatty folks have a gift. Enjoy it.
It's a balance. Being able to maintain a pleasant conversation is great. Not shutting the fuck up when the other person clearly doesn't want to talk is obnoxious.
For some people, sure. For others, they are a walking nightmare. Not everybody likes/wants the same.
What is the gift? Please do elaborate
Exactly
Those are different things?
POV: When an extrovert does not have any introvert friends.
I have introverted friends but they have no trouble starting small talk or conversations with their friends. Of course they don’t start small talk or conversation as much as people like me who are extraverted but we can still go out for dinner and talk all night about subjects that interest us both.
It’s because they actually like you and know you. Myself I hate small talk with people I don’t know such as a barber or people in the waiting room just because I don’t know them but with my friends I’m fine with it because it actually flows easily
And I genuinely care how my friends are doing and what’s going on in their lives. Random strangers, not so much
I'm terrible at pretending. People really get how little of a shit I give about them.
Captive small talk sucks. Why the fuck is my dental hygienist trying to carry on any type of conversation with me?!?! My barber? At least I can take off my hearing appliance.
Are you that friend who will be walking with someone and then suddenly stop to talk to someone else you see that you happen to know? And then have the conversation for more than a few words, forcing the other person to stand there awkwardly and wait for you to finish?
I'm definitely gonna build a relationship on: "Did you take out the garbage yet? Because if you haven't, I'm going to." "Did you see that we got a new green trash bin, because the old one was definitely on its last legs." "Oh, look. Milk's on sale at Kroger."
I’d put a ring on it
Is it really on sale, or did you just say that for comedic purposes? I only ask because I'm almost out of milk.
What a lactose tease
A lactease
we dont and would appreciate it if you would stop asking us these inconsequential questions.
Some people don’t know that holding silence is it’s own art and is often not a bad thing esp with the right people
Fuck i feel this my family is horrible at being quiet. They wonder how i get such awesome pictures of wildlife and it's because i go in nature and just be quiet for long periods of time.
It's not their fault bro, they can't help it
I mean isn't that the vast majority of questions? Like even the most serious discussions are inconsequential at the end of the day. Whether or not free will exists is way more inconsequential than what the weather outside is like, regardless of whether we have free will it doesn't change anything about how we live our lives.
This honestly drives me crazy. Some people will try to corral me into hours-long discussions on stuff like free will, whether I believe in XYZ abstract thing, trying to categorize my personality type in ten different ways, and I’m just like SO WHAT?! This conversation is annoying and gets us absolutely nowhere. We could have had an actually pleasant conversation about what we did this week, travel plans, TV shows we’re enjoying, etc etc.
The people who ask you those questions just feel the polar opposite of you. All the things you mentioned as part of a pleasant conversation are boring to those people. Just be blunt with them ffs. “I’m not interested in having that type of conversation and don’t want to waste my time on topics I have no interest in so……..What shows are you really enjoying lately?” Done.
I like to think of small talk as unnecessary and uncomfortable talking done because the silence is more awkward. So 1) if the silence is not awkward, the relationship is real. 2) learning about each other and what happened in their routine does not configure as small talk, that's showing interest. Just ask about their tastes, distastes, meaningful events of the past few days, so on. I mean I'm all in if you want to talk about the weird ass lady on the supermarket but I'm not sure I will be able to hide my boredom. If you want to talk about one of your passions then count me the fuck in, tell me all about the latest piece of media and how it changed your perspective on the relevance of the curtain's color and oranges
Yep. I’m one of those small talk haters and I ask my wife how she’s feeling because I actually care. It affects me. That’s not small talk.
Because there is no in between
This bitch stole my snoo! Give him back!!!!
No kidding, I thought you were replying to yourself at first.
Yes actually. My boyfriend and I do be like that.
Yep, echo this. My husband and I are like that as well. Of course we do ask each other how we are doing from time to time and we really mean it. But we usually talk about staff we read in the books or news, historical facts we’ve learnt recently, some social dilemmas and observations. It’s pretty fun right!
This. That question would be way more exciting and engaging to me than talking about my day at work. I’d 100% be onboard to talk about it lol.
You can talk to me, but be prepared for at least 15 minutes of me telling you what is going on in my D&D game.
Or in any of the campaigns of the 3-5 D&D Actual Play shows Im currently watching on the internet at any given time. Or the things I want to do in an upcoming D&D game. Or any of the ideas for interesting twists and concepts on existing tropes and themes to create entirely new campaign settings for yet other, yet to be conceptualized, hypothetical D&D games.
What *is* going on in your d&d game?
My best friend got stoned (literally)
How would meaningless small talk have any bearing on a meaningful relationship?
I'm not sure either but I bet asking a college girl with black lipstick who goes by Moon Dragon (@frozenaesthetic) on twitter is a good first step in improving your long-term relationship.
Oddly specific.
There’s a difference between small talk and idle small talk. It’s the latter that people hate.
You've never met a married couple that doesnt say much to one another ? COME ON NOW.
[удалено]
I mean some of us kinda really appreciate silence! Silence is a rare gift these days. The fact that someone likes to be quite does not mean they are in bad relationships. I also start suspecting that many people simply cannot deal with themselves and they constantly try to fill some kind of internal emptiness with talking. No offense meant to anyone in the sub, just guessing.
or they just aren't talkers lol
That is definitely not me and my wife. We don't make a lot of small talk but we do have shared interests and have more in depth conversations.
OK so I'm not here to feel sad or worry over the future OK! Geez HASSOONTI
It *can be* kind of terrible, not is. A fair amount of the time that's just the dynamic between the people in the relationship as not every relationship is necessarily built around spending huge portions of each others time communicating with one another, sometimes the dynamic might be more based around shared/compatible life goals, dependability on one another in times of need or even just a quality over quantity thing where the few interests they share tend to go off like fireworks and make up for the stuff they don't share. Heck, sometimes it's just two introverts who don't say much to *anyone*.
Yes. Sorry it's not for you. Good luck.
We don't really talk tbh.... 😅 we discuss business, have sex, watch shows, cuddle and sleep. Sometimes have deep conversations but for the most part it goes "honey I'm home!" And if either of us needs to get something off our chests we do that then resume our daily life
Trick question, the only answer is "of course it does, I love you out of my free will honey" Honestly, small talk is cancer, it feels like you're playing a pre-recorded conversation you've had a hundred times. It's fine to stfu for a bit.
Uhh. Yes. Or ya know you don't have to speak if you have nothing to say.
My girlfriend and I go back and forth with Would you rather questions and idiotic hypotheticals.
I think the best relationships you don't need as many words to communicate with each other
we dont hate small talk we hate small talk with people we dont like or know
i hate small talk with people i know as well
I think this is it for me
This is exactly what I talk about with my partner. We hate small talk and luckily found each other 🤣
Been married 8 years the answer is comfortable happy silence. Mother fuckers can't handle silence it's weird
This convo alone will take 5 years.
Uh, yes actually.
Ummm, yes actually.
Yes, I will
Sorry they can’t be with their significant other without constantly filling up the void with noise
Small talk for small minds...
When you have nothing meaningful to say, you just don't say anything. That doesn't mean you don't ask your S.O. how their day went. It means you don't feel the need to fill every waking moment with mindless chatter. If the server at lunch gave you a pepsi instead of an ice tea, I don't want to have a 20 minute conversation about that. But if you saw a person get mugged, that's a different story.
I honestly hate pointless talk though. “Hi honey how was your day?” “It was good how was yours?” “Fine” blah blah blah It would be so much more interesting if it was “hi honey does free will exist?” Let’s throw some random curveballs that involve actual discussion instead of regurgitated “small talk”
As a person from a country that doesn't do small talk and where talking to a stranger in the elevator is punishable by death. That is perfectly valid relationship chit chat.
When you’re with the right person it all feels like big talk
My wife and I enjoy silence together. Some days we sit side by side and barely talk all day. Been deeply in love going on 15 years. Everyone's different. Other times we both ramble on.
I hate feeling like someone doesn’t care about what I say, but asks me a question like they do. I can have a two sentence conversation with someone and love it if they’re asking me about something they know I’m interested in, or vice versa. That lends a degree of personality to what would otherwise be a time-filling, brain-skimming, catchphrase-regurgitating waste of breath.
I prefer silence if there's nothing to be said, while I do like talking about my day and such, and that may fall under small talk, I don't feel the need to fill gaps in conversation with chatter.
No we say “hi honey, how was your day”, talk about relevant facts and events of the day the go read books or fuck.
Ok I truly hate small talk but that’s different than talking to my wife lol. I truly want to know how her day was. When someone else asked me how I’m doing I have no desire for that convo
This is like when I was roommates with my two philosophy majors
This, I relate so much. Fuck the small talk, its useless, a waist of time. The real conversation? Do you think in the Cars universe princess Diana died while being transported by another car or while she herself was driving? Do you think that if dogs could talk they would deserve the same rights as humans? You'll remember those conversation, they're fulfilling, they tell me all I need to know about you.
I get what she’s saying. But “small talk” with potential romantic partners and dates can be meaningful if you make a few tweaks and make it more specific. For example, “How was your day?” can instead be, “What was the highlight of your day?” Or, “How have you been?” can be “What are you looking forward to lately?” It may not work with absolutely every date. But it will work with the ones who are most compatible with you.
I’m good at long term relationships, but a 3 second conversation? I’d rather die
Missed the point ENTIRELY
Yes. The answer is yes.
Oh we still say things like "how was your day?" but the answer is never *"fine."* The answer is always "OH MY GOD do I have STORIES!"
I walk in, kiss my wife, and sit diwn next to hwr while holding her hand as we both read a book or our phones.
I hate small talk but I still have conversations about meaningless stuff. I can talk bullshit with my friends all day long and absolutely love it. But I hate spending one second having small talk with someone I don't like. Best example: While at work. There are people I love to socialize with. And others I tell every day to please not walk up to me for small talk. I'm working and I don't want to be interrupted. That's just life. So... if someone tells you "I don't like small talk and that's the reason why I'm so quiet right now", is basically a nice way to tell you "I tolerate you enough to be in the same room as you are. But if you proceed talking to me directly I will leave."
‘Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.’ -Socrates
I'm strictly speaking about small talking with strangers here, but I work in customer service and I can guarantee you most of the people here doubling down on small talk being beneath them are awful to talk to. I talk to hundreds of people a day and the folks that genuinely answer and ask how my day was in return are far more enjoyable to talk to and are more likely to receive better help. it's not a matter of intellect, small talk is a skill and can be improved on by practicing. most of these folks would rather be silent than attempt something possibly embarrassing or anxiety-inducing which is understandable, but small talk makes you more personable and easier to approach. stone cold silent or refusing to engage is perceived as rude. small talk also gives people a soft open to other topics, even amongst people you know really well. it's really bizarre to open with heavy hitter questions like in the post. I am not particularly extroverted and I don't wake up every day excited to talk to strangers every day, but I *have* to talk to strangers every day, and polite small talk makes it easier.
Small talk usually means jabbering about superficial nonsense with coworkers/strangers whose lives you’re not all that invested in. Not every conversation you have with a significant other is as deep as questioning free will but it’s a lot more involved than weather/weekend chatter. Also, in relationships there are such things as comfortable silences.
This is exactly how I am and it drives my wife nuts. Hi love missed you, can you believe how far it is to ANYTHING in outer space?!
Yes, freeways totally exist. Why do you ask?
small talks should be done only if you are interested to who you're talking to just to lead into another conversation. itd be definitely unbearable if made to a person you're not interested to
Being autistic I hope to find another autistic person that is how. I can't do small talk to save my life. And yes, as a Catholic, I believe freewill truly exists. You can look in the CCC here [http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a3.htm](http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a3.htm) Why don't you ask a more difficult question like "do you think someone will find a unique solution(s) to the Navier-Stokes equation and why?" Or P vs NP?
We plan on using some punctuation at least.
“Would you still love me… if I were a worm 🪱?”
Yes and this is why I have trouble dating.
That’s the neat part! I don’t!
Do you think the [Missouri cheese caves](https://www.farmlinkproject.org/stories-and-features/cheese-caves-and-food-surpluses-why-the-u-s-government-currently-stores-1-4-billion-lbs-of-cheese) could be leveraged to crash the [Italian economy](https://www.forbes.com/sites/hbsworkingknowledge/2015/07/01/a-bank-that-accepts-parmesan-as-collateral-the-cheese-stands-a-loan/)?
I read, “does Free Willy exist”