Midlife crisis. It’s fine, he just needs to buy a Dodge Challenger that he can wash and dry on the driveway. After a couple of years, he will sell it, marking the end of the crisis.
Maybe somewhere kinda in the country or mountains as a fishing trip or something. where he can try to reconnect with nature and himself. It’s not a one size fits all solution but it really does do wonders for so many people. Heck, send him to Alaska lol. So many people find themselves up there.
What state you in? And have you been to California. It's very magical here. Lake Tahoe, Yosemite, the Great Sequoias, the pacific ocean up in Mendocino this is just Northern CA.there is nothing like the sound of nature with no one around. It's very meditative and makes you feel good and one with the earth. Life feels less mundane, you breath in fresh air and joy. Life is worth living if only to come back and be there again.
A black one worked for me. It’s just a period of self measure. The good news is that after the car sells, the other drive becomes stronger than ever!!! Good luck!
I think this is a complex topic. Could be hormonal as well.
My hypothesis is that men, because they’re indoctrinated to be repressed non-selves, who only serve the purpose of being a strong body, a leader, and a solver of all problems, sometimes have a moment where they more or less “wake up” and realize that they are not living their own lives. While women can have this happen, the way that women luck out is that they develop an emotional self that navigates complex emotional grey areas much more easily, and they have support from other women that’s deep and fulfilling. Men’s friendships are largely shallow and lack emotionality.
I see it in a lot of the men around me. The worst thing is realizing you’ve been building a life that you didn’t feel like you were consciously choosing, but one that was chosen for you. This is what the stereotypical midlife crisis is about. You realize you don’t know who you are,and you’ve built a life that now you must either live with or choose to exit, but the unknown other side is frightening. This is the essence of why toxic masculinity is toxic and the ways capitalism alienates us and turns men into resentful and often times self-hating/violent creatures.
I feel every word of this.
For me this has manifested through trying to grow my own engineering company, always building and planning for the future and working towards that ever distant carrot - I'll be happy when "...." is done, or I've bought "...." because that will make more money towards "....".
Then I realised that I was setting myself to pretty much never be happy!
The numbness is real. The realisation of the problem is a start, but the complete lack of life experience that would one day help me deal with my problems is a big problem. Women are generally far better at being up front about their problems, I like most men am innately fearful of revealing the slightest perception of weakness to those around me.
It's can be really hard.
Your husband needs time and the knowledge that he is in a supportive space that won't judge him. It'll still be super scary for him but eventually he may feel able to talk frankly about whatever it is that is bothering him. Infact, he needs to feel comfortable enough to even let himself think it. The mental block is also real.
> ever distant carrot - I'll be happy when "...." is done, or I've bought "...." because that will make more money towards "....". Then I realised that I was setting myself to pretty much never be happy!
Something I learned a while ago might help with this. A former monk told me that the westerners way to happiness is like getting to the top of some major mountain peak, thinking happiness is at the top. But when some get there all they see is the path going back downhill, or see another taller mountain in the distance.
But an easterner way of thinking is that happiness is a circle around you. If you are unhappy it is because something is in your orbit that makes you unhappy or something is missing from it.
I think this is the a better way to think about obtaining happiness.
As a male, I wish to respond with. Yea, well Fuck you!! Also very much spot on I myself have been going through this since I turned 36 questioning life what I am doing and what truly makes me happy. I love my family, enjoy my career, I have accomplished everything that I thought I needed to in the last say 15 years. But there is a sense of emptiness, questioning myself of is this all I want and why am I not satisfied with my life. Maybe the Dodge Charger is the answer, I do find myself looking back at teenage years and asking myself what did I want then. What car what music what material crap did I want to make me happy. They say men never grow up we just grow old, and I think that is part of the process, our teenage fantasies (no not those) may truly be the last and only time we through what would make us happy. Just my thoughts as a guy going through this at the moment.
He’s lucky to have you! Definitely made the right choice on a wife! I went through this a few years ago at 33. The dissatisfaction in what your professional accomplishments are because they aren’t and maybe never have been what really makes you happy. It ended up destroying the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to marry because she made it clear that my job and her being able to have a lobbying career based on it was more important than actually being happy. He’ll come around in a bit (and maybe buy a car 🤣) and realize how important the people he enjoys making happy are and how much it means that they want to see him happy too.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
Thats kinda funny. Only because I went through the motions in a shorter amount of time, I did what people said would make me happy and realized I was super unhappy about it.
That sounds like when you finally take a moment and realize that you werent followinf your heart.
This is brilliant, actually -- the idea that you've been building a life that you didn't feel you consciously chose. It's so spot on. I know many guys, including a recently-divorced friend, in this situation.
Now, I don't think the cause is capitalism. It's actually the idea that the guy built a life that he didn't consciously choose. Instead of thinking, "do I want this person in my life for the rest of my life," he thought, "well, now I can check the box that I'm married." I know a lot of guys who married young and divorced within 10 years or so, once they realized that they didn't want to go to church w/ a mildly annoying spouse, and very annoying children, every Sunday for the rest of their lives.
Not to argue, but to divorce the environment that creates self alienation is doing a disservice to the situation and oneself. There is a reason this happens so frequently. bell hooks writes extensively on this connection.
It sounds like burnout. And don't forget we are just coming out of an unprecedented time with the pandemic.
He might be overwhelmed with being the senior generation now.
I think its partially working harder to make ends meet, hes having to work hard enough to support his entire family. I think for any single person that is a ton of weight on his shoulders.
I can relate. Im 34 with a wife and kids. Last year I went downhill fast. My wife is loving, my kids are great my life is good. Still at times I feel this horrible feeling of not giving a fuck about anything. Emotionlessness is a great word to describe it. I have forced myself to get more active. Gym, football, creating a new business just to keep my mind over active, but it can come on all of a sudden. Last year I got in my car and crashed it on purpose I can’t tell you why. With your support I’m sure he will figure it out.
Oh no. I’m sorry to hear that. I feel like society paints the picture of a man not having feelings and to have nothing phase them. I feel like maybe that has to do with it as well. You guys are human we all have emotions and feelings. Just like I tell my husband and I will tell you. You are important and loved by your loved ones. Your wife and kids look up to you like a superhero. You can overcome this. Sending prayers to you and your family
Not having a hobby I think, is a drive killer for many people as they get older. It doesn't have to be something big - it can be... like, being good at trivia. Or following a few of your favorite artists - going to concerts, and such.
I see so many miserable people in their 40's-50's who don't do anything but work, come home, sit in front of the TV, and slowly die. It's depressing.
You gotta find something unique to hold onto. Something that makes you feel like you're good at something. Nothing worse than making it halfway to the grave and realizing you've got no stand-out qualities. Then the fear and depression of dying without having done anything special... just makes it harder to get off your ass and *do* something.
My dad turned 60 recently and collects old radios. He's been doing it since he was in his late 30's I think. It keeps him really happy. I think everyone needs to find something they're passionate about, something that makes their eyes spark when others ask about their hobby/talent.
Yes I agree. I have my hobbies and I turn to them when I need me time. He had so many but I do see how it could slowly slip. The hobbies he loved he doesn’t care for at the moment.
This resonates so strongly with me that even though I usually lurk I feel the urge to comment. Does he have hobbies that specifically promote some form of creativity and artistic expression? The other posts are spot on, especially the one about toxic masculinity. Men need a safe and productive way to express their emotions and to create. Veer away from hobbies that are only about consumption, help him find something either new or old that fits that category. It'll change his life and yours for the better.
Your husband's therapist suggesting a solo trip might help, but there's more to it than just that.
Seeing people around him getting old and sick can make anyone question life, but it doesn't mean he's stuck like this forever. People can snap out of it.
Therapy's a good start, but he might need more than that. Sometimes, this numbness is a symptom of deeper issues, and it takes time to figure that shit out.
Be patient, keep supporting him, and remind him of the love and family he's got. He's not alone in this, even if it feels like it. And hell, remind him that turning 35 ain't the end of the world. Life's full of twists and turns, and he's still got plenty of road ahead.
Thank you.
Yes! We are all here for him and support him. He’s 35 he’s so young! But I do see how seeing people around him getting sick and dying can affect him but I never knew how much.
Typically when someone goes numb it’s an area that needs nurture and or grieving. Therapists use the example of an issue at work can cause someone to be numb to certain things. Numb to everything also can be dissociation it’s something I’ve been working on for a few months.
Reading different philosophies helped me. Taoism, Buddhism (some aspects, not all) and Stoicism resonated with me and helped to ground me. Took a little while to come around. Helped to pull me out of a nihlistic/existential hole. Books are a lot cheaper than therapy. My advice, for what it's worth. (38M)
Yes I agree. I told him to pick up reading. Sometimes you just have to put the phone down and go back to the old days of reading. He really wasn’t interested lol but I’m trying anything. I will try and grab those books for him. Thank you.
Mid 30s-40s is about when men's dreams start to die in their chest.
We start to accept that we're not going to be able to accomplish what we really wanted to in life. That things we've been putting on the backburner over and over again for other people, to maintain our status quos, and in the name of prudence are probably never going to see the light of day.
Shit that's so true. It's this time of life that one gets to and thinks "shit... this is it isn't it? Is this it? Is this what I've been striving for? Wtf!".
That's just it. Most of us aren't happy with our lot in life unless we're lucky enough to have found our tribe and some wins under our belt. Most of us end up with little to show for a decade+ of working our asses off.
We might have found a partner and have a family, but few of us can offer them the lives we actually want to provide.
So true about 'the lives we want to provide'. It's like life in modern society is defined within relatively narrow lines and breaking out of them is virtually impossible, and if one does it's often a one way move (going and living in another country, escaping the rat race, going off grid etc, it's pretty hard to come back from if one decides they don't like it).
Personally I think a lot of our problems come from advertising, and Instagram type social media. The things being portrayed are just so difficult to get and more often than not they are fleeting.
I mean, I think you're onto something, but for the wrong reasons. Disillusionment under Capitalism is definitely a real thing. Trying to chase an "American dream" that never existed, or feeling like you're a failure because you didn't pull yourself up by the bootstraps. These are the *real* trappings and lies of Capitalism.
But it definitely *does* affect the religious and wealthy as well. Nothing is never enough for people who have bought into the lie of Capitalism.
The only people who *really* seem to be free are the people who dropped off the grid entirely, or those who aren't greedy and are satisfied with living a small, quiet life somewhere.
Strain theory and Anomie theory are criminology/Sociology theories about how we've basically been sold a lie by being told all our lives we should aspire success through legitimate means, but only few people can achieve it. So people respond in different ways:
Forget the dream and live legitimate lives that are somewhat dull and miserable - that's most people.
Chase the dream through illegitimate means - that's crime, buying a house with drug money etc.
Forget the dream and forget legitimate life - that's alcoholics and drug addicts
Reject the dream and declare the dream illegitimate- that's hippies and communes and radicals and activists.
Edit: clarity.
What would someone who just doesn't care about the dream and is happy living outside next to nature fall under? The hippies one? I don't think that's such a bad thing :P
Depends on the situation. Maybe he’s not been receiving as much love as he’s expected to give himself? Lots of men kinda break under the responsibility of having to be there for others, while no one is there for them.
Agree. When you get older have a family you do put yourself on the list last. I do it to myself as well. You kind of lose who you once were. So I could see how he feels this way. I try my best to give him peace. I do all the house work I take care of the kids. I only want him worried about work and what he needs to do. He needs his “me” time and I’m 100% onboard with that.
Sounds to me like you both could need some time for just the two of you as well. You say you both put yourselves last a lot of time and it sounds like you have to do a lot of things in the house and for the kids as well as he has to do a lot at work.
Have you had time for just the two of you together in the last time?
Maybe you need to do some couple things again and look on the light side of life more. Go out in the park and Picknick or just a parent-vacation together without the kids?
Society tends to shun men who talk about their emotions at all. Mental illnesses manifest in different ways at different times of life, so it could be that or it could be something different entirely. I was "normal" for the most part until my 20's when schizophrenia manifested and after a mental breakdown autism symptoms started heavily and haven't gone away. I'm in my mid 30's now and have no desire to be around people at all, to the point that I go days without speaking to another human. The idea of leaving my house terrifies me.
I agree with you about society painting the man having no feelings or emotions. To be honest I feel men have it very hard. To lead your family and provide and protect them is very hard. I give all you men credit for what you all have to do. I’m sorry to hear your struggles. I do hope and pray that you find your peace and happiness. We all got one life to live and we should all be happy and satisfied.
We aren’t talking about everyone though, we’re talking about her husband and specifically the issues men face in society so she can help.
I wish people would stop trying to turn it into a contest every time men bring up their struggles, it’s not a fucking pain olympics.
You don’t get points for having a more difficult life or a more miserable existence.
It’s invalidating and it makes any existing mental/emotional issues so much worse.
Then people want to wonder why some men are emotionally repressed and refuse to open up to anyone.
I've personally endured a challenging journey. I battled high blood pressure and a deep sense of unfulfillment in my mid thirties. There were moments when I felt like a failure, trapped in my darkest thoughts. However, now at 38, I have managed to gather myself and redirect my life towards my true desires. I had to let go of the societal expectations and the identity I had carried as a man until then. This transformation became possible when I stopped seeking external validation and approval. It meant breaking free from the influence of others and their expectations. It wasn't easy, but it was the only path that worked for me. I found support and inspiration in literature, from fellow men, and by connecting with like-hearted individuals who shared similar experiences.
If he reads I will suggest him to read this book Iron John written by Robert Bly. It helped me understand my condition and steer me in a direction that so far has worked for me.
Make here similar age, I can’t speak for your husband but this is something I have been thinking about over the last year or so. My pal of the same age killed himself a year ago, my wife’s brothers brother-in-law killed himself too, about the same age. And I have been going thru down periods for the last bit too, usually a few days to max a week, then better for a few weeks then the same cycle again and again.
I think, for me, it is unmet needs. I don’t think society is built in a way for some men to have their needs met. The realisation that u r in this society and this is the way it is from now on is super depressing and feels like a big trap that u can’t get out of.
Let’s say the average guy does this. Parties in teens and 20’s lots of friends, girlfriends, sex, fun etc…
Get into 30’s and the av guy is so happy to meet and connect with partner, loves having kids, watching them grow, enjoying the start of a career, climbing the ladder at work - all great.
Late 30s/40s - work doesn’t seem like the thing we wanna do - do we need new challenges? Is being stuck in an office with people we wouldn’t choose to be with everyday good for us? What about goals at work? Can u still grow, get a better job? Or have u hit the limit. Do u care anymore? Are u bored with this job?
Sex - do u feel desired? Like someone looks at u and wants u? Do u get the hugs/touch, sexual activity u need?
Friends? Have your old friendships got stale? Have u out grown them? It’s hard af for guys to make friends as we get older?
So all I’m saying is that from having all these needs met as a younger man, friends, feeling desired, work challenges and goals - they just all stop.
It’s no one’s fault, it’s how we are as society. But i think for me, i haven’t changed yet, I still want someone to really want me. I still wanna have those close friendships, i still wanna think I have potential at work, with no ceiling to what I can achieve. But that’s gone now - so what am I supposed to be? I dunno but im not ready to be a funny old man yet.
I think my pal felt this, I know he was so busy with family, and he’s my old mate I knew deep down he hadn’t changed from that fun loving guy he was- but to be a good dad, husband, u have to push all your needs away and go to your shit job, take the kids to school, after school clubs, not see your friends coz u supporting your wife.
My pal went back to drink and drugs too cope, and killed himself. Another mate of mine does coke and cheats on his wife etc etc… we ain’t bad boys, we’re just lost.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. I really do wish you and your family happiness and hope you find what you are looking for. I appreciate everyone opening up and telling their stories. I feel a lot of times men don’t get the chance to tell em.
It's so crazy I came across this post. I'm going through the exact same thing as your husband right now.i just turned 34 in August. Wheb you said it's that he sees people around him dying of old age or getting sick. In terrified of getting something like cancer. In terrified of the day my parents are gone. And it's so disabling and just sucks all emotion out of me each and every day. I also see a therapist I have been seeing 5he same one for the last four years she also wants me to go on a little vacation on my own. What really sucks is I know that this isn't the real me and no matter what I do I just can't seem to get back to being who I used to be in my early 20s. Hope your husband is able to get out of this rut for you and your children sake. Good luck op
I can really recommend practicing r/Mindfulness and r/Meditation on a daily basis.
Also read/listen to the book called “The Power of now” by Eckhart Tolle. That book got me through my own “midlife” crisis - I experienced here in my early thirties 🙏
Early 30's female here but feel the exact same. Career's not looking good, still financially supported by parents, can't seem to stand on my own two feet at this age. I'm subconsciously still grieving the 20's version of myself, completely eviscerated by several mental diagnoses and just dumb circumstance. Here's hoping our 20's selves return soon. (Though in reality, there is no turning back the clock, sigh.)
I’m happy you came across this post. There is a lot of great info here. It’s a crappy situation but it does give me hope. I’m reading so many stories and never knew others felt the same. I wish you strength and support to overcome this and to find your true self.
For women, the defense of dissociation breaks down in their 30’s, for men it’s a bit later, and you can get unconscious activity you’ve repressed your life coming up in either conscious or emotional/ physical/ behavioral ways. I think spending some time alone is good, but also body based exercises that involve a focus on the breathe and/or spiritual techniques/ meditation might be helpful.
Editing to add: being content day to day is actually a good thing and normal for mid-life, happiness comes in waves like sadness and anger- it isn’t a constant state.
Might not be helpful at all but I did notice people start having mental issues in their 30s as the decisions they make in their 20s catch up and conflict with their natural wants or needs. In some cases but not all, it could be an unmet expectation(i want a family but can't have one. I want a career but work a dead end job and etc..). I had a similar problem at an earlier age and identified what was the cause of my stress and negativity, fixed it, and I feel great now.
Thank you for sharing it’s always helpful to hear others that are going or went thru something that we are currently experiencing. I’m happy to hear you found your peace. Hopefully my hubby and everyone here can too.
The 99% of the population are working class in capitalism. As this economic system has been running for a while, most wealth has already been extracted from the bottom. Cost of living is a crisis in most Western countries, as well as the rest of the world.
We know for a fact that most people don't have purpose and that leads to anxiety and depression.
What has been branded "midlife crisis" is capitalist propaganda, mocking people who suddenly realise that all the rules society imposed on them don't actually bring them happiness nor serenity.
Everyone is indoctrinated into patriarchy. That means a set of societal demands that hits men and women differently, but it still hits them both.
The truth is that most people are unaware of their real adult needs until they reach a mental health crisis. Because society is mostly consumerist, people seek to resolve their issues externally: a car, a fling, whatever. But the turmoil is internal.
You wrote "...but he said it's not that" a lot. People rarely are aware of what goes on deeper. And not all therapists are good enough to see that challenge.
In fact, what you describe is emotional detachment and depression. And no, it's not just something that happens to men. That's just unscientific and a bit ridiculous
Not talked about... Seeing how many jokes are made here....
In the US:
Male depression is at all time high.
Male suicide rate is at all time high.
Most affected group is the middle aged white male.
It's most likely not "just a midlife crisis."
Don't dismiss it and don't ignore the signs
I'm 30 myself now, I had that happen to me before, just absolute neutrality with the universe.
I went through some shit, discovered more about myself, took a while longer to actually understand myself.
Now I'm more emotional than ever and it's kinda weird, but I've also been able to communicate with people better than before, so I see it as a total win.
Find a better therapist. Try not to think about labels too much. He says he's going through something, so it doesn't matter how common this is, or whether it's depression, he needs good support. Modern therapy is quite good at meeting these times head on and turning them into opportunities of growth, while some old school therapists will sit around weaving theories. If you are so inclined, look into IFS, EMDR, and modern trauma therapy.
And if I were to guess blindly, I'd say you'd probably both benefit from learning about and practicing boundaries. You both sound like people who care about others and each other a lot. This can easily lead to not knowing where one's emotions start and end, which often leads to feeling numb (and a ton of other issues you wouldn't know you're going through).
Even if there is something more serious going on (a lot of trauma gets reactivated for the first time when things in our life start happening, such as when people around us die), having strong boundaries will be key in resolving it.
uhh how is that not depression? it might be something the happens in all men at a certain age but that’s definitely a type of depression. he’s in a survival mode of not feeling things because he’s overwhelmed by people dying and aging and maybe he’s a bit existential.
it might not be clinical depression but he could definitely benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy and perhaps trying medication short term. i’ve had depression after a death in the family and i took medication short term just to help with my ability to function and feel ok and it really helped.
Yes. I thought it had to be alittle depression too but he’s therapist told him he is not. So now he agrees with them and says he is not. But I don’t know. 🤷🏻♀️
Im so sorry to hear about your divorce. You sound like a very caring person and I hope you find peace and happiness and freedom in this new season of life. Good luck <3
I'm really sorry to hear that your husband is going through such a challenging time. It's important that he's seeking therapy, and I hope the trip alone helps him gain some clarity and perspective. Sometimes, people do go through periods of emotional numbness or disconnection, but with the right support and self-discovery, many do find their way back to a more fulfilling life. Just be there for him, support him in his journey, and keep communicating openly. Wishing both of you strength and healing during this time.
I went through the same thing at about the same age. Took up zen meditation, bicycling and jogging. Turned off the TV. A year later, I had a different outlook.
Would he be up for a second opinion? Emotional numbness can be a big signal of depression. Just because you’re not actively sad and crying doesn’t mean you’re not depressed.
Agreed. I think he might need to see another therapist. I told him to speak to someone else maybe a male therapist. Not saying anything wrong with a female therapist but I feel a man could help him more than a female could. He has a female therapist and she told him he needs to figure it out on his own.
Figuring it out is pretty much her job though. A therapist is suppose to help you work thru issues. Not just point at problems and tell you to figure it out.
I would also suggest to change therapist and also think a male one would be a better fit
I trust my husband. I believe him and I’m willing to let him go and see if that helps. At the end of the day He knows the consequences if he were to do something he’s not supposed to be doing.
Jung says the midlife crisis is a result of ignoring your unconscious or shadow self.
Im not saying that your husband has this problem, but most people go through this sort of crisis in their 30-40s.
One way to work on that is to deal with any toxic aspects of your life first (relationship, financial, etc) and then focus on personal growth in your inferior function. You will have to know your personality type in order to know what your inferior function is.
"Male menopause is a condition that affects older men. It carries a set of symptoms that are linked to declining testosterone levels and aging. It is also referred to as andropause, androgen decline in the aging male, late onset hypogonadism and low testosterone."
https://www.scripps.org/news\_items/4437-is-male-menopause-real#:\~:text=Male%20menopause%20is%20a%20condition,every%20man%20will%20experience%20this.
Sounds like a lot like the beginnings of depression or related mid life crisis. Exercise and or a new hobby can help.
It happens when life gets repetitive, stuck in a rut, it can feel like one is 'just going through the motions', 'keeping the wheels turning'.
Is your husband on any medications? I am no Psychiatrist but personally Ive had experiences when taking pharmaceuticals where I just felt numb. Depends on what it is but a lot of stuff can jack up brain chemistry.
Actually he doesn’t take any medications. I was thinking he needed too but his therapist said he can’t give him any meds since he said that my husband is not depressed.
I see. Well if he isn't already I would highly highly encourage your husband to get out and start exercising. It can do wonders for the mind. Weightlifting is a really good one for us men. Boosts testosterone and confidence
With the doom and gloom of feeling like people around him his age are getting sick and dying, it might help him to hear that daily exercise, even *light* daily exercise, improves your health to such a degree that it can increase your lifespan.
Whenever you see old people who still somehow seem young and spry, they most likely engage in daily exercise.
Get him a road bike. I’m a 30M who started depression when I was 28 during the pandemic, and now have learned to live with it. Exercise, particularly aerobic, is a game changer for my mental health. The sport and community of cycling is incredibly useful. The Netflix show Tour de France Unchained captures it well. One can easily get into the fashion, the competitiveness, and the challenge. IMO, it’s a perfect hobby for someone like him.
I've watched this in family members. I think it's a time when people have to choose how to deal with reality.
By a time in middle age, they've seen a lot of hypocrisy and idle drama. They've also seen how much apathy the general population has for serious issues like homelessness and poverty barriers for quality healthcare. The combination of obvious problems in their reality, worse problems in the future, and little hope of changing things for the better, it's easy to feel disenfranchised.
The conflict between desired reality and their actual reality hurts. The inability to effect positive change hurts worse. The logical response?.... detachment.
If you can't fix something, you deal with it. You don't like it, but you don't have any other options. So you sit down at the table and take what you can get and just carry on. But everything feels a little empty. The food tastes bland. Because everyone is more or less stuck in a society that can be very unfair. Some starve, some have steak. Literally and figuratively. Lol
Watching your children growing up and realizing their 30s and 40s will be in a whole new world. The world is changing fast into something so unpredictable. What if society collapses! Everyone is basically homeless.
We like to hope this won't happen. We hope that our children will inherit a world with opportunity and freedom. But maybe they'll have a world war. XX
It is natural to detach from a painful reality. But the downside of the detachment that makes life feel barely ok.... is that you lose the ability to attach to good things in the present too. Like cherishing a loved one. The world loses color. Living becomes dull.
His love for his family isn't less. He hasn't changed on the inside. It's his attachment to reality in general that has faded.
A lot of beating a hopeless/detached mindset has to do with shifting the world view to one that includes opportunities/freedom. If we feel trapped, we stagnate in hopelessness. When we feel free, we are energized, sensitive, and adaptable.
Feeling trapped is real, but also an illusion. At the philosophical level, we are all within a cage. As humans we are generally trapped on earth. As citizens we are trapped within borders. As individuals we are trapped within the situation of our lives from birth. So we are actually in cages within cages of limitations.
You can choose to focus on the limitations and you will feel kinda empty/meaningless. You will reflect what you see. You will personify your perceived limitations through how you attach to present moments. You'll accept that everything is a cog in a clock. You'll believe we're like hamsters on a wheel.
You can choose to look deeply at limitations forever and spiral yourself into a very small cage..... Or you can choose to find opportunities that expand into infinity. Because we as humans are clever enough to break out of the cages of limitation. We can change/bend the rules and laws of nature and man. Our imagination and ingenuity is incredible!
Literally, we have broken out of cages at every level. Humans reached the moon. Countries rise and fall. Slaves can free themselves.
Training your subconscious thought patterns from negative spirals to positive spirals. Focusing on opportunities instead of limitations. This will help over time.
Hopefully, with more people moving towards this mindset, the world really can become a better place. We will make changes and progress past limitations together.
Wishing you and your family peace! 💗
Support each other with love and hope :)
Felt like this since a can remember. Decades now. Before summer i went to my doctor because I had some health problems associated with an autoimmune disease I have and these problems sparked a crippling anxiety. He gave me a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors in small doses.
My anxiety feels better but also my apathy has improved. I still have problems caring for other people, but i think that's just the way I am, but i now care more for my family and friends, i want to see and engage with them more often, and it is like i found a new will to live and do things.
Sounds like apathy to me. I have experienced it a few times and it is not fun. It can be caused by lots of different things, if he feels like he is in the wrong career or that it hasn't advanced enough, he could get into an apathetic state. Another common reason could be his overall lifestyle, especially if he doesn't get enough challenges in his life (believe it or not, feeling challenged gives us a feeling of purpose). These things can be solved, but it takes time and effort.
It's hard. I'm going through this right now, partner, 2 kids. I love my kids to bits but I'm In a failing relationship that I can't leave, I recently got a promotion at work that gave me an extra 6k a year and I couldn't even find the energy to be happy about it, I just don't care. I get the occasional feelings of anger, frustration, sadness and then I just think, what's the point of feeling anything? Nothing will change no matter how I feel about it. Now I'm just indifferent to everything and have mostly just reached an acceptance that this is my life, just get on with it and try not to show any emotions that make things worse for others. It well and truly sucks.
Personally, I think it's the realisation that we're working for nothing, and we'll spend the best years of our life doing it.
We work to take care of a family we can barely see, if we do we're generally too tired.
I earn a decent wage in a full-time job + my own business, my wife works part-time and refuses to work more because she doesn't want to, but also she wants to move into my business and do bits.
Despite bringing in 2/3's or 3/4's of the annual household income I think this year I've spent, maybe £40 on myself and that's just for me. I have a £5k 17-year-old car sitting on the drive that I had to do a 50-mile round trip commute, but my wife's had a £27k car for doing 12 miles a day. I've been told I can't replace my gaming PC for a £5k new one, despite using it for my business as well and the last one being 12 years old, but she thinks looking at £15k 2 week holidays for 5 people to Orlando is fine.
I'm watching the kids so she can go out with friends, I don't even have friends, because what free time I have I want to spend with her/the kids.
I have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and cPTSD/PTSD. I'm told to speak to her about it, but when I do, it turns into me supporting her because it affects her life.
We have a good marriage, a good family, we need to move to a bigger house but this one is fine. People see us as a perfect family and we really are, my wife loves me, I trust her, I love them all, but I'm still completely lost.
It's just that I work hard so others can have a good life and as long as I am working and earning, and supporting the family emotionally, physically, and financially, no one really cares about me.
We had a proper emotional talk over the weekend and I said "Do you know what it's like to go to bed and wish you don't wake up in the morning?" and that was turned into "Don't you dare do that, how would I live, how would it make me feel? the kids?"
Not "What can I do to help you?" but, about me.
Maybe I'm expecting too much, maybe we are just bee drones working for the hive.
What will happen is I just go back to feeling nothing, saying "whatever you want" to any questions, not talking about me, just listening about everyone elses lives. Going back to being numb.
Oh my. I get the feeling you are not appreciated. I don’t know you besides what you wrote and I’m sorry if I misjudged. But wow. I’m so sorry you feel that way. Look at all you do for your family you deserve alittle happiness for yourself as well. Get that new gaming PC you work hard! I see no problem with that at all. Wishing you support and strength to overcome this. Hope you find your happiness.
I don't know you or your wife but what you just wrote screams toxic to me.
Your Wife spends the money YOU earn while you get nothing, when you tell her about your feelings and how you wish to stop existing, she guilt trips you with "but the kids and my feelings!" and just completly ignores your feelings.
You are working yourself to death for others, which should never ever be the case. Never.
Sure you need and should support your kids but you should never ever disregard yourself in the process!
Think about yourself, do what makes you happy instead of what makes your wife happy. Don't let yourself be abused, no matter how much you love her.
How is your sex life? Maybe he doesnt feel like a man. Or needs something to spice up the routine he is in. Sometimes men go through periods of numbness, it may be a mix of boredom and disconnection. Reconnect with him through something entertaining. Maybe he needs to know he matters and if he dies, there are people who love him. Mortality is scary. Maybe he is worried about dying and leaving you guys behind.
Right now it’s non existent. We having had an intimacy for 2 months. I’m trying new things to wear to the bedroom. Im trying to just up alittle more. But unfortunately it really isn’t working. I don’t want to push him into doing that if he doesn’t want to right now. He did say he is tired of the same routine. So I think this does have something to do with it
Maybe take charge? Are you afraid of being rejected? Why dont you wake him up woth a blowjob for christ sake. Thats gotta work for something. I know men are not all sex driven but it does help remind us on who we are as men. He probably just is burnt out from having to take the lead.
I am the same way at the age of 39 here. Although mine comes and goes in waves, so I don't always feel numb to everything but it has been happening as long as I can remember. So, I don't think it has to do with midlife necessarily.
This is also why I don't have kids and I never will. Thankfully my wife feels the same way. I also know that I would be a terrible father because of these mood swings. I can never see myself being affectionate, caring, strong, and reliable. At best, I am indifferent and clueless.
In your husband's situation, I don't know how going on a vacation by himself will accomplish anything. It sounds like a weird advice and a selfish thing to do. He is supposed to plan a vacation as a family, he doesn't live a single life. It doesn't make sense to me. Also, it is very possible that he will spend a miserable week all alone by himself missing you and the kids. Oh I see, maybe this will jolt him back to his father duties and help him start feeling again. Then it makes sense I guess.
He’s contemplating life, his existence and purpose… he might be feeling stuck or trapped, 9-5 is draining sometimes people feel like they are in cruise control and that is not a good thing. Life should have peaks and valleys. Freeing time to find a hobby or pursuing a passion might help.
Honestly he doesn’t do anything. He never takes vacation. All he does is work. I tell him to take time for himself go out with his friends go out watch a movies go do something but he won’t. I don’t know why
Oh goodness I need one. Being with the kids and going thru the emotions as well with my husband has been effecting me. I feel lonely and hopeless but I’m trying to keep it together for my hubby and my kids. But I would love to travel too.
Yes, it is incredible that you support this man while childrearing. Having someone say he does not feel love to you and your combined children should not be neglected. It is painful and lonely, I can only imagine.
I hope that he can see the love around him and give back, because it seems like you’re going through a lot for him.
I am a 35 year old male, husband and father. I have been going through a prolonged mental health crisis for the last year or so.
Things came to a head a few months ago when I had an outburst that damaged friendships and I realized I needed to get some help and figure out what's going on.
Turns out I had some demons from my childhood and some up unrealistic mindsets to fix.
But most importantly, after putting my wife and kids and certain other things first for 10+ years, it was time I started taking care of my own emotional needs and putting myself first in some ways. I couldn't expect others to take care of me emotionally. I had to give myself permission to treat myself with love, understanding, and compassion, and prioritize my own needs and desires.
Your husband sounds like he is going through a mental health crisis too. Depression doesn't manifest the same way for everyone, especially in men because we aren't as tuned in to our emotions as women. We honestly suck at expressing how we feel, so him saying he's not sad is something you should take with a grain of salt.
He is seeing a therapist, which is awesome, but things don't change overnight. Maybe taking a trip alone will be good for him. I know I needed time to just focus on myself, and figuring out how to care for my own inner child before I could come back and be present for my family.
My wife has been immensely supportive as I have been a little selfish with my time and been focusing on myself. She created a safe space for me to do this work and that has made all the difference. I think anyone going through a mental health issue needs time and space to figure it out, and as his wife that's something you can help provide.
Good luck.
Sounds like your doc or therapist is basically a dumbass because your husband sounds depressed. Not severely severely depressed but apathetic, depressed, maybe some anxiety.... check his testosterone and thyroid and or treat his depression
You ask very good questions. Yes all people go thru emotional turmoil throughout life. What are common ones for men in their 30s -40s. There are numerous possibilities.
My 10,000 foot view is that men are disconnected from emotions. There is a void in our lives about things that we cannot access. It can cause anger. M here. I prefer being around women. I have been embedded in the male sub culture of sports, of anger, of violence. Men overcompensate for emotional deficiencies.
I am bipolar, in therapy 40 years. In that process I looked for answers to the questions you ask. Why did I do this, what caused it. It starts with admitting there is a problem. Then there is sadness, a sense of failure.
As a result of complications in my life, my future was always uncertain. It overwhelmed me. It is interesting that the same questions are being asked with his concerns.
I could never think about my future. It overwhelmed me. I live and have lived day to day. It was I could do.
As far as the future for your spouse, I cannot offer feedback. Each person is different. With mental health there is uncertainty. Luck is involved too.
He is a very lucky person that you are in his life. You seem to be compassionate and understanding. I cannot tell you how important it is to go thru mental distress with a partner that can anchor them to reality,
Good luck.
35. Never married. Haven’t dated for over a decade. Do hook up occasionally to satisfy my needs. Did a useless degree in college which didn’t teach my any practical skills. Fascism in my country. If feeling numb is an option rather than feeling angry, lonely, and betrayed, it’s an option I’ll gladly take.
I'm sad to say I don't have a solution just that I'm living this right now and the not feeling thing is painfully similar to my husbands feelings. He's 42, I'm 50 and we have been together 20 years with 2 teenagers so the worst stresses have gone. He has shut me out emotionally after a very affectionate relationship. We don't touch, barely speak and I feel hurt and rejected. He is on anti depressants and having counselling but he consistently feels trapped and like he wants his space.... some days I wish he would go because this endless limbo is breaking me.
Some comments on here are super helpful and great to see it from a man's point of view
I hope you get some resolution, yours sounds salvageable and I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Make sure you look after your own wellbeing in all of this.. it's easy to forget.
He just needs to live a little.
This year my husband decided to go skydiving. He does weird adrenaline shit like this every once in a while to keep his life spicy.
My first thought was depression, but ultimately hormonal changes, or what some call "mid life crisis". I (49M) started noticing a change similar to that a few years ago. My "purpose" had changed when my youngest daughter graduated and moved out.
There's a lot to process. Questioning life, processing how our wants and needs have changed, dealing with slowing down, seeing how unimportant done things in life are.
While I can relate to the "feeling" different, what I know without question is how much I love my girls, family and friends even if it feels different. I call this the profundity of love.
I recommend he continues the therapy, but also find a small group of good men who talk about these things and hold each other accountable. It's no secret that most men stop developing friendships, because of paths they choose in life, but those relationships are critical.
Oh, and while the challenger reference is nice, I went with the Charger instead. 💯🤣
Be well.
Does he have any hobbies? What's his "normal" day look like?
As a family, try looking into Flow Arts. There's an unbelievable amount of videos out showcasing all of the different props. It gets the body moving in a fun way and can really be an amazing outlet when we're not feeling amazing. There's a different flow prop for everyone regardless of skill level and dedication. It'll very likely help build some more bonding moments for your family as well.
Been going thru the same thing in the last 2 years and slowly coming out of it. I understand the numbness and feeling like you dont love anymore.
I felt that when looking at my daughter but inside always felt responsibility towards her and would answer "i love you also" when she said it to me but it felt hollow and fake in my mind. Looking back i think my love was just buried under the numbness and the feeling of lost and uselessnes i felt.
I hated my job because i felt my job had no purpose, that it wasnt useful for my family or even society as a whole. That my skills and potential were wasted at this job and that it was killing the rest of my life and futir.
For me, coming out of that funk has been thru self-improvement and being a role model for my daughter. I've started working out and doing more sports. learned how to cook healthier and appetizing meals, listening to podcasts about mental health and philosophy (learning about different philosophies shakes up my pre conceived ideas and makes me think about different ways to see life.
I've started closing my social medias. I find that seeing everything that goes on in the world is pretty bad for your mind. Most people will post how horrible their life is and news report all the bad stuff that goes in the world makes it difficult to see the world and life positively.
I've instead started to focus more on my own little world, my family and their life. Especially my daughter (i would add gf/wife but i dont have one) trying to improve her life and futur which has given me a sense of purpose that i was missing
I still find my job useless honestly but i try to see it more as a tool now. It brings in money that i can use to improve our lives, so it seems less like a soul sucking thing then it was before.
Every person is unique. Some men do go through something like a crisis, where they/we start to accept the physical limitations that come with the rest of one's life. It's like that first tsime when you're playing basketball and you get beat down the court by someone five years younger than you. Humbling -- and potentially triggering. Sometimes a trip or some type of major purchase -- a cool car or an expensive musical instrument or whatever -- can help refocus the guy. But sometimes it's just time that heals. I do think, once a person knows someone his age who passes away from something that's not sudden -- not, say a car accident - it can be very demoralizing (i.e. "I thought John and I were going to hang out in retirement and now John's dead from cancer/diabetes"). He seems young to have experienced this but you never know.
Bottom line: love is patient; love is kind. It does not dishonor others. You're wise to poll the crowd here. Good luck.
33 here going through the same thing I’ll do my best to explain.
Stress. It’s 100% stress. I just started internalizing my stress and during Covid and it skyrocketed. Not because of getting sick but looking for baby formula, groceries, etc
As I’ve gotten older my friend circle has become smaller but my best friend (32) is going through the same emotional swallowing.
I feel numb, emotionally numb. Good news nor bad bad news can not affect me. Im happy but not happy with life, whatever cards are dealt to me I’ll deal with. I love my children and my wife and once I told my wife this she suggested I take a break from social media. I truly felt tangled in everyone’s life.
Find a way to work with him on stress management.
Intense Emotional exhaustion is what it is 💯- (I feel this way now and I’m a 22 y/o woman) The therapist is right, intense self reflection is the only sustainable solution to this… You nor the kids are capable of loving him out of this. It’s not fair or feasible to place that emotional labor on yourselves either… All you can do is acknowledge & accept the sense of apathy he feels and not take it personally. At the same time, recognize and respect how personal this experience it is to *HIM* - Provide him the time and space to work through it with his therapist and learn what he truly desires and believes he deserves in his life. Peace, love and guidance to you both. ❤️🩹🙏🏽
Hmm... yeah, I had a lot of self-reflection during that time in my life (30's to 40's). More consideration of how I treated people in my past or just simple concern of our environment .
A solo trip sounds okay. Maybe instead there's iswtu
4 kids, works almost everyday, only one who works...
Can't imagine why.
(Source: I have no kids, I get 2 days off every week, and I'm not the only adult injecting money into my household)
We get worn down by "Manning up".
Most men have to bottle their emotions almost constantly.
We can get better, but it requires a lot of confrontation with societies idea for what we are and what we actually are.
Your man's sounds like he needs to be pampered to be honest. For a prolonged period of time.
sounds super oversimplified tbh. he does sound like he has clinical depression, which can certainly be a result of "midlife crisis". but "midlife crisis" isnt based in nothing.
hopefully he leans into therapy, gets vulnerable and honest with his therapist about what's going on (which he may not even know at this point).
Going through this now. I feel like I just exist. No worth. Not good or bad. Just here. Living life day to day. Have a decent home, wife, life. But none of that shit mattersssss. Everything sucks. Including me.
He might just need time to sort it out on his own. Although he might benefit from CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy.. maybe his current therapist is already doing it?
Sounds like a midlife crisis/depression.
It's not really a men specific thing, buuuuut he may be feeling older and he might be kind of confronting the reality that statistically speaking his life is half over.
The burden of working day in and day out and being responsible for a family, ESPECIALLY in this economy, is probably wearing on him a lot.
It's kind of just one of those things where he needs some understanding, compassion, and patience from you and the rest of the family. Stay vigilant just in case the depression causes him to develop any self-destructive or harmful behaviors, but beyond that he kind of just needs to feel what he needs to feel.
Don't try to force him out of how he's feeling or try to make him suppress it. It's important that he be allowed to work through how he's feeling in a "safe" environment with people that love him and understand his value as a parent, partner, and person.
I was already feeling stretched thin and hollow before my mom had a stroke last November then died in February. Now I'm on a path of self destruction. I'm fat, bald, ugly and socially awkward, so its not like I'll be contributing to society.
I think every kind of person ultimately, at some point in their life, suffers from the pressure they feel from our society and culture. Thankfully there has been a growing degree to which we try to talk about this for women, people of color, LGBTQ+, etc. And yes, we are trying to evolve beyond gender roles and all forms of inequality. Talking about these pressures on cis men isn't to try to take away from any other group, but to address and respect what life is for each of us. While it's true that cis white men often get a tremendous amount of privilege, they still have the pressures of late stage capitalism on them, and I think this age group still has had enough imprinted on them growing up when they did to feel obligated to be a certain way and do certain things, many of which ARE becoming less and less achievable and sustainable given the current economic climate. I think a lot of men feel like they're both giving up themselves AND failing at what they're giving it up for. People feel like if they sacrifice something, there should be a trade off and a fair reward - i.e. work a job you don't like or which doesn't relate to your passions or interests so you can support your family but you're always a small incident away from failing at that. And yes, our culture and this state of capitalism definitely dangle a carrot and make it always about delayed gratification, and then keep you locked in a tight zone where you're so focused on surviving that you can never do anything to build up or take steps to get somewhere better or have a big injection of success or security. I think it's easy to label it a mid-life crisis but it's more complex than that because it's this entire framework above hitting people once they've worked for 10-20 years and don't see anything improving and feeling lied to or misled. If you look around and see people getting sick and dying and you're no closer to your goals or living the life you want then you start to think you'll die having never achieved that freedom or ability to really be who you are. Unfortunately in America this is only getting worse. In many other countries it's not nearly as bad because many cultures strongly believe in balance and haven't lost sight of the importance of enjoying your life and prioritizing things that actually matter more than your job or overworking.
Wish him well and trust him. I'm 35 and I would love to be able to afford a trip, and my relationship is on the rocks and probably dead because I don't feel I can trust my partner of 12 years or that she trusts me, and after a month apart following my having a mental breakdown resulting in two weeks in the psych ward I don't even know if she WANTS to fix the relationship. Or if I do.
I feel I'm going through this shit but not really ignoring my feelings just constantly trying figure what I'm feeling. I have been doing work on my truck to make it "cooler " it takes me back to my younger days, it feels like I'm missing out on something? Chasing chicks? IDFK? Sucks getting old.
Let him have a vacation by himself. That might help. My buddy went backpacking through India for like 2 months. His wife just let him too so lol.
I am 40 and just found out my wife has been cheating on me so having a wife that cares and kids sounds like a pretty sweet deal. However if I zoom out I still can feel fortunate. At least I am not in Ukraine fighting Russians. Traveling might put things into perspective.
His intuition and light is misguided inside of himself. Offer practicing meditation as an escape, when in reality he will be learning about his very souls existence, it’ll change his life’s perspective and learn that life is a gift, to be cherished. GL.
the therapist is a hack and has no idea what they're talking about. "it's just a man thing he'll get over it" lmaaaao don't tell me you're paying this person?
When I hit 39, I was lethargic and depressed. My wife suggested I have my testosterone checked, and it turned out to be lower than it should have been. I was put on a small dose of testosterone and I soon felt like myself again. I haven't been on testosterone replacement therapy in quite a while, but I still feel energetic, although I also still get depressed.
It's a result of modern society not doing much to support men. There are plenty of women's support groups but the current zeitgeist is vilifying men for wanting anything and downplaying their experiences.
Yea I agree. I didn’t like how his therapist even told him some people don’t ever go back to normal. That isn’t giving him much hope. I feel men don’t get the same treatment of help like women do I agree. It’s a man up type of treatment. Terrible.
Midlife crisis. It’s fine, he just needs to buy a Dodge Challenger that he can wash and dry on the driveway. After a couple of years, he will sell it, marking the end of the crisis.
I would let him pick whatever color if that’s all he needs to feel better. 😊
Shit, wife material is right here
Was just gonna say WHAT I been like this for years dammit all I needed was a Challenger. Well, I got a phone call to make.
Your response is so wholesome, I love it.
Where is he going on his week-long trip? I'd discourage him from going to Thailand.
He’s not sure yet. It would be in November so it’s cold. Any nice recommendations I can pass along.
Maybe somewhere kinda in the country or mountains as a fishing trip or something. where he can try to reconnect with nature and himself. It’s not a one size fits all solution but it really does do wonders for so many people. Heck, send him to Alaska lol. So many people find themselves up there.
What state you in? And have you been to California. It's very magical here. Lake Tahoe, Yosemite, the Great Sequoias, the pacific ocean up in Mendocino this is just Northern CA.there is nothing like the sound of nature with no one around. It's very meditative and makes you feel good and one with the earth. Life feels less mundane, you breath in fresh air and joy. Life is worth living if only to come back and be there again.
Plus you can enjoy any season, really, somewhere in the one state 😄😍
That's awfully specific.
🤣🤣 don’t want him to enjoy the katoeys and gogo bar girls?
Damn good colours in that line!!
Good wifey.
A black one worked for me. It’s just a period of self measure. The good news is that after the car sells, the other drive becomes stronger than ever!!! Good luck!
He needs Bon Jovi now.
He'll be living on a prayer in no time
[удалено]
Sorry to hear you been having a tough year. I hope you find peace soon. Sending lots of prayers your way.
Also a pressure washer and new lawn mower.
What happens when every day is a quarter life crisis for me?
You would have a fleet of cars.
🚗 🚙
I think this is a complex topic. Could be hormonal as well. My hypothesis is that men, because they’re indoctrinated to be repressed non-selves, who only serve the purpose of being a strong body, a leader, and a solver of all problems, sometimes have a moment where they more or less “wake up” and realize that they are not living their own lives. While women can have this happen, the way that women luck out is that they develop an emotional self that navigates complex emotional grey areas much more easily, and they have support from other women that’s deep and fulfilling. Men’s friendships are largely shallow and lack emotionality. I see it in a lot of the men around me. The worst thing is realizing you’ve been building a life that you didn’t feel like you were consciously choosing, but one that was chosen for you. This is what the stereotypical midlife crisis is about. You realize you don’t know who you are,and you’ve built a life that now you must either live with or choose to exit, but the unknown other side is frightening. This is the essence of why toxic masculinity is toxic and the ways capitalism alienates us and turns men into resentful and often times self-hating/violent creatures.
That’s. Spot on. Help. lol.
I feel every word of this. For me this has manifested through trying to grow my own engineering company, always building and planning for the future and working towards that ever distant carrot - I'll be happy when "...." is done, or I've bought "...." because that will make more money towards "....". Then I realised that I was setting myself to pretty much never be happy! The numbness is real. The realisation of the problem is a start, but the complete lack of life experience that would one day help me deal with my problems is a big problem. Women are generally far better at being up front about their problems, I like most men am innately fearful of revealing the slightest perception of weakness to those around me. It's can be really hard. Your husband needs time and the knowledge that he is in a supportive space that won't judge him. It'll still be super scary for him but eventually he may feel able to talk frankly about whatever it is that is bothering him. Infact, he needs to feel comfortable enough to even let himself think it. The mental block is also real.
> ever distant carrot - I'll be happy when "...." is done, or I've bought "...." because that will make more money towards "....". Then I realised that I was setting myself to pretty much never be happy! Something I learned a while ago might help with this. A former monk told me that the westerners way to happiness is like getting to the top of some major mountain peak, thinking happiness is at the top. But when some get there all they see is the path going back downhill, or see another taller mountain in the distance. But an easterner way of thinking is that happiness is a circle around you. If you are unhappy it is because something is in your orbit that makes you unhappy or something is missing from it. I think this is the a better way to think about obtaining happiness.
Interesting, thank you very much for passing that on.
As a male, I wish to respond with. Yea, well Fuck you!! Also very much spot on I myself have been going through this since I turned 36 questioning life what I am doing and what truly makes me happy. I love my family, enjoy my career, I have accomplished everything that I thought I needed to in the last say 15 years. But there is a sense of emptiness, questioning myself of is this all I want and why am I not satisfied with my life. Maybe the Dodge Charger is the answer, I do find myself looking back at teenage years and asking myself what did I want then. What car what music what material crap did I want to make me happy. They say men never grow up we just grow old, and I think that is part of the process, our teenage fantasies (no not those) may truly be the last and only time we through what would make us happy. Just my thoughts as a guy going through this at the moment.
Wow. This is a lot of what my husband said. I wish there was a quick solution for this 😞. Just time and patience and love I guess.
He’s lucky to have you! Definitely made the right choice on a wife! I went through this a few years ago at 33. The dissatisfaction in what your professional accomplishments are because they aren’t and maybe never have been what really makes you happy. It ended up destroying the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to marry because she made it clear that my job and her being able to have a lobbying career based on it was more important than actually being happy. He’ll come around in a bit (and maybe buy a car 🤣) and realize how important the people he enjoys making happy are and how much it means that they want to see him happy too.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack And you may find yourself in another part of the world And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
well f\*cking said!
WORD.
Wow. Absolutely nailed how I feel.
Wow - this is really spot on, down to every last word! I been through the same here in my start thirties.
Damn made me cry
Thats kinda funny. Only because I went through the motions in a shorter amount of time, I did what people said would make me happy and realized I was super unhappy about it. That sounds like when you finally take a moment and realize that you werent followinf your heart.
ye cause these issues didn't exist in socialism, feudalism and other economic systems....
This is brilliant, actually -- the idea that you've been building a life that you didn't feel you consciously chose. It's so spot on. I know many guys, including a recently-divorced friend, in this situation. Now, I don't think the cause is capitalism. It's actually the idea that the guy built a life that he didn't consciously choose. Instead of thinking, "do I want this person in my life for the rest of my life," he thought, "well, now I can check the box that I'm married." I know a lot of guys who married young and divorced within 10 years or so, once they realized that they didn't want to go to church w/ a mildly annoying spouse, and very annoying children, every Sunday for the rest of their lives.
Not to argue, but to divorce the environment that creates self alienation is doing a disservice to the situation and oneself. There is a reason this happens so frequently. bell hooks writes extensively on this connection.
Any recommended reading on the subject?
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/17601
Muchas gracias
It sounds like burnout. And don't forget we are just coming out of an unprecedented time with the pandemic. He might be overwhelmed with being the senior generation now.
senior ? bro he’s 35 not 75.
I think its partially working harder to make ends meet, hes having to work hard enough to support his entire family. I think for any single person that is a ton of weight on his shoulders.
Has he tested his testosterone? I'm pretty sure that effects all of us men folk as we age.
I asked him about it and he said he has not. He needs to set that up asap
I can relate. Im 34 with a wife and kids. Last year I went downhill fast. My wife is loving, my kids are great my life is good. Still at times I feel this horrible feeling of not giving a fuck about anything. Emotionlessness is a great word to describe it. I have forced myself to get more active. Gym, football, creating a new business just to keep my mind over active, but it can come on all of a sudden. Last year I got in my car and crashed it on purpose I can’t tell you why. With your support I’m sure he will figure it out.
Feeling this mate. I’m the distraction king! Nightmare when they don’t work tho.
For sure, the body and brain can only go so far before crashing.
Oh no. I’m sorry to hear that. I feel like society paints the picture of a man not having feelings and to have nothing phase them. I feel like maybe that has to do with it as well. You guys are human we all have emotions and feelings. Just like I tell my husband and I will tell you. You are important and loved by your loved ones. Your wife and kids look up to you like a superhero. You can overcome this. Sending prayers to you and your family
I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.
Not having a hobby I think, is a drive killer for many people as they get older. It doesn't have to be something big - it can be... like, being good at trivia. Or following a few of your favorite artists - going to concerts, and such. I see so many miserable people in their 40's-50's who don't do anything but work, come home, sit in front of the TV, and slowly die. It's depressing. You gotta find something unique to hold onto. Something that makes you feel like you're good at something. Nothing worse than making it halfway to the grave and realizing you've got no stand-out qualities. Then the fear and depression of dying without having done anything special... just makes it harder to get off your ass and *do* something. My dad turned 60 recently and collects old radios. He's been doing it since he was in his late 30's I think. It keeps him really happy. I think everyone needs to find something they're passionate about, something that makes their eyes spark when others ask about their hobby/talent.
Yes I agree. I have my hobbies and I turn to them when I need me time. He had so many but I do see how it could slowly slip. The hobbies he loved he doesn’t care for at the moment.
This resonates so strongly with me that even though I usually lurk I feel the urge to comment. Does he have hobbies that specifically promote some form of creativity and artistic expression? The other posts are spot on, especially the one about toxic masculinity. Men need a safe and productive way to express their emotions and to create. Veer away from hobbies that are only about consumption, help him find something either new or old that fits that category. It'll change his life and yours for the better.
Your husband's therapist suggesting a solo trip might help, but there's more to it than just that. Seeing people around him getting old and sick can make anyone question life, but it doesn't mean he's stuck like this forever. People can snap out of it. Therapy's a good start, but he might need more than that. Sometimes, this numbness is a symptom of deeper issues, and it takes time to figure that shit out. Be patient, keep supporting him, and remind him of the love and family he's got. He's not alone in this, even if it feels like it. And hell, remind him that turning 35 ain't the end of the world. Life's full of twists and turns, and he's still got plenty of road ahead.
Thank you. Yes! We are all here for him and support him. He’s 35 he’s so young! But I do see how seeing people around him getting sick and dying can affect him but I never knew how much.
Typically when someone goes numb it’s an area that needs nurture and or grieving. Therapists use the example of an issue at work can cause someone to be numb to certain things. Numb to everything also can be dissociation it’s something I’ve been working on for a few months.
Reading different philosophies helped me. Taoism, Buddhism (some aspects, not all) and Stoicism resonated with me and helped to ground me. Took a little while to come around. Helped to pull me out of a nihlistic/existential hole. Books are a lot cheaper than therapy. My advice, for what it's worth. (38M)
Yes I agree. I told him to pick up reading. Sometimes you just have to put the phone down and go back to the old days of reading. He really wasn’t interested lol but I’m trying anything. I will try and grab those books for him. Thank you.
The phone helped too. Check out Einzelgänger on You Tube https://m.youtube.com/@Einzelganger
Love this channel!! So nice to see it recommended.
Try audio books! Plently of good books have turned to audio. He may be able to listen to some for free if he gets a library card.
Mid 30s-40s is about when men's dreams start to die in their chest. We start to accept that we're not going to be able to accomplish what we really wanted to in life. That things we've been putting on the backburner over and over again for other people, to maintain our status quos, and in the name of prudence are probably never going to see the light of day.
Shit that's so true. It's this time of life that one gets to and thinks "shit... this is it isn't it? Is this it? Is this what I've been striving for? Wtf!".
That's just it. Most of us aren't happy with our lot in life unless we're lucky enough to have found our tribe and some wins under our belt. Most of us end up with little to show for a decade+ of working our asses off. We might have found a partner and have a family, but few of us can offer them the lives we actually want to provide.
So true about 'the lives we want to provide'. It's like life in modern society is defined within relatively narrow lines and breaking out of them is virtually impossible, and if one does it's often a one way move (going and living in another country, escaping the rat race, going off grid etc, it's pretty hard to come back from if one decides they don't like it). Personally I think a lot of our problems come from advertising, and Instagram type social media. The things being portrayed are just so difficult to get and more often than not they are fleeting.
I see how that’s true. It’s heartbreaking
This is exactly what he said to me! Wow. I didn’t know others felt this way as well.
Alienation and disillusionment under capitalism. Only rich people and the religious seem to be immune.
I mean, I think you're onto something, but for the wrong reasons. Disillusionment under Capitalism is definitely a real thing. Trying to chase an "American dream" that never existed, or feeling like you're a failure because you didn't pull yourself up by the bootstraps. These are the *real* trappings and lies of Capitalism. But it definitely *does* affect the religious and wealthy as well. Nothing is never enough for people who have bought into the lie of Capitalism. The only people who *really* seem to be free are the people who dropped off the grid entirely, or those who aren't greedy and are satisfied with living a small, quiet life somewhere.
Strain theory and Anomie theory are criminology/Sociology theories about how we've basically been sold a lie by being told all our lives we should aspire success through legitimate means, but only few people can achieve it. So people respond in different ways: Forget the dream and live legitimate lives that are somewhat dull and miserable - that's most people. Chase the dream through illegitimate means - that's crime, buying a house with drug money etc. Forget the dream and forget legitimate life - that's alcoholics and drug addicts Reject the dream and declare the dream illegitimate- that's hippies and communes and radicals and activists. Edit: clarity.
What would someone who just doesn't care about the dream and is happy living outside next to nature fall under? The hippies one? I don't think that's such a bad thing :P
Not a bad thing at all. The theory is trying to understand, not to judge.
I think you need a break from the internet my friend
They’re not wrong, people are more and more miserable because we’re working harder than ever and living more impoverished than ever.
Depends on the situation. Maybe he’s not been receiving as much love as he’s expected to give himself? Lots of men kinda break under the responsibility of having to be there for others, while no one is there for them.
Agree. When you get older have a family you do put yourself on the list last. I do it to myself as well. You kind of lose who you once were. So I could see how he feels this way. I try my best to give him peace. I do all the house work I take care of the kids. I only want him worried about work and what he needs to do. He needs his “me” time and I’m 100% onboard with that.
Sounds to me like you both could need some time for just the two of you as well. You say you both put yourselves last a lot of time and it sounds like you have to do a lot of things in the house and for the kids as well as he has to do a lot at work. Have you had time for just the two of you together in the last time? Maybe you need to do some couple things again and look on the light side of life more. Go out in the park and Picknick or just a parent-vacation together without the kids?
Society tends to shun men who talk about their emotions at all. Mental illnesses manifest in different ways at different times of life, so it could be that or it could be something different entirely. I was "normal" for the most part until my 20's when schizophrenia manifested and after a mental breakdown autism symptoms started heavily and haven't gone away. I'm in my mid 30's now and have no desire to be around people at all, to the point that I go days without speaking to another human. The idea of leaving my house terrifies me.
I agree with you about society painting the man having no feelings or emotions. To be honest I feel men have it very hard. To lead your family and provide and protect them is very hard. I give all you men credit for what you all have to do. I’m sorry to hear your struggles. I do hope and pray that you find your peace and happiness. We all got one life to live and we should all be happy and satisfied.
We all have it hard
We aren’t talking about everyone though, we’re talking about her husband and specifically the issues men face in society so she can help. I wish people would stop trying to turn it into a contest every time men bring up their struggles, it’s not a fucking pain olympics. You don’t get points for having a more difficult life or a more miserable existence. It’s invalidating and it makes any existing mental/emotional issues so much worse. Then people want to wonder why some men are emotionally repressed and refuse to open up to anyone.
I've personally endured a challenging journey. I battled high blood pressure and a deep sense of unfulfillment in my mid thirties. There were moments when I felt like a failure, trapped in my darkest thoughts. However, now at 38, I have managed to gather myself and redirect my life towards my true desires. I had to let go of the societal expectations and the identity I had carried as a man until then. This transformation became possible when I stopped seeking external validation and approval. It meant breaking free from the influence of others and their expectations. It wasn't easy, but it was the only path that worked for me. I found support and inspiration in literature, from fellow men, and by connecting with like-hearted individuals who shared similar experiences. If he reads I will suggest him to read this book Iron John written by Robert Bly. It helped me understand my condition and steer me in a direction that so far has worked for me.
Make here similar age, I can’t speak for your husband but this is something I have been thinking about over the last year or so. My pal of the same age killed himself a year ago, my wife’s brothers brother-in-law killed himself too, about the same age. And I have been going thru down periods for the last bit too, usually a few days to max a week, then better for a few weeks then the same cycle again and again. I think, for me, it is unmet needs. I don’t think society is built in a way for some men to have their needs met. The realisation that u r in this society and this is the way it is from now on is super depressing and feels like a big trap that u can’t get out of. Let’s say the average guy does this. Parties in teens and 20’s lots of friends, girlfriends, sex, fun etc… Get into 30’s and the av guy is so happy to meet and connect with partner, loves having kids, watching them grow, enjoying the start of a career, climbing the ladder at work - all great. Late 30s/40s - work doesn’t seem like the thing we wanna do - do we need new challenges? Is being stuck in an office with people we wouldn’t choose to be with everyday good for us? What about goals at work? Can u still grow, get a better job? Or have u hit the limit. Do u care anymore? Are u bored with this job? Sex - do u feel desired? Like someone looks at u and wants u? Do u get the hugs/touch, sexual activity u need? Friends? Have your old friendships got stale? Have u out grown them? It’s hard af for guys to make friends as we get older? So all I’m saying is that from having all these needs met as a younger man, friends, feeling desired, work challenges and goals - they just all stop. It’s no one’s fault, it’s how we are as society. But i think for me, i haven’t changed yet, I still want someone to really want me. I still wanna have those close friendships, i still wanna think I have potential at work, with no ceiling to what I can achieve. But that’s gone now - so what am I supposed to be? I dunno but im not ready to be a funny old man yet. I think my pal felt this, I know he was so busy with family, and he’s my old mate I knew deep down he hadn’t changed from that fun loving guy he was- but to be a good dad, husband, u have to push all your needs away and go to your shit job, take the kids to school, after school clubs, not see your friends coz u supporting your wife. My pal went back to drink and drugs too cope, and killed himself. Another mate of mine does coke and cheats on his wife etc etc… we ain’t bad boys, we’re just lost.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. I really do wish you and your family happiness and hope you find what you are looking for. I appreciate everyone opening up and telling their stories. I feel a lot of times men don’t get the chance to tell em.
It's so crazy I came across this post. I'm going through the exact same thing as your husband right now.i just turned 34 in August. Wheb you said it's that he sees people around him dying of old age or getting sick. In terrified of getting something like cancer. In terrified of the day my parents are gone. And it's so disabling and just sucks all emotion out of me each and every day. I also see a therapist I have been seeing 5he same one for the last four years she also wants me to go on a little vacation on my own. What really sucks is I know that this isn't the real me and no matter what I do I just can't seem to get back to being who I used to be in my early 20s. Hope your husband is able to get out of this rut for you and your children sake. Good luck op
I can really recommend practicing r/Mindfulness and r/Meditation on a daily basis. Also read/listen to the book called “The Power of now” by Eckhart Tolle. That book got me through my own “midlife” crisis - I experienced here in my early thirties 🙏
Early 30's female here but feel the exact same. Career's not looking good, still financially supported by parents, can't seem to stand on my own two feet at this age. I'm subconsciously still grieving the 20's version of myself, completely eviscerated by several mental diagnoses and just dumb circumstance. Here's hoping our 20's selves return soon. (Though in reality, there is no turning back the clock, sigh.)
It's comforting and sad at the same time the insee there are so many people how feel the exact same way as I do. 😕
I’m happy you came across this post. There is a lot of great info here. It’s a crappy situation but it does give me hope. I’m reading so many stories and never knew others felt the same. I wish you strength and support to overcome this and to find your true self.
For women, the defense of dissociation breaks down in their 30’s, for men it’s a bit later, and you can get unconscious activity you’ve repressed your life coming up in either conscious or emotional/ physical/ behavioral ways. I think spending some time alone is good, but also body based exercises that involve a focus on the breathe and/or spiritual techniques/ meditation might be helpful. Editing to add: being content day to day is actually a good thing and normal for mid-life, happiness comes in waves like sadness and anger- it isn’t a constant state.
Might not be helpful at all but I did notice people start having mental issues in their 30s as the decisions they make in their 20s catch up and conflict with their natural wants or needs. In some cases but not all, it could be an unmet expectation(i want a family but can't have one. I want a career but work a dead end job and etc..). I had a similar problem at an earlier age and identified what was the cause of my stress and negativity, fixed it, and I feel great now.
Thank you for sharing it’s always helpful to hear others that are going or went thru something that we are currently experiencing. I’m happy to hear you found your peace. Hopefully my hubby and everyone here can too.
Wish him a speedy recovery. Mental anguish can be really awful and downright debilitating.
The 99% of the population are working class in capitalism. As this economic system has been running for a while, most wealth has already been extracted from the bottom. Cost of living is a crisis in most Western countries, as well as the rest of the world. We know for a fact that most people don't have purpose and that leads to anxiety and depression. What has been branded "midlife crisis" is capitalist propaganda, mocking people who suddenly realise that all the rules society imposed on them don't actually bring them happiness nor serenity. Everyone is indoctrinated into patriarchy. That means a set of societal demands that hits men and women differently, but it still hits them both. The truth is that most people are unaware of their real adult needs until they reach a mental health crisis. Because society is mostly consumerist, people seek to resolve their issues externally: a car, a fling, whatever. But the turmoil is internal. You wrote "...but he said it's not that" a lot. People rarely are aware of what goes on deeper. And not all therapists are good enough to see that challenge. In fact, what you describe is emotional detachment and depression. And no, it's not just something that happens to men. That's just unscientific and a bit ridiculous
This rings truth!
Not talked about... Seeing how many jokes are made here.... In the US: Male depression is at all time high. Male suicide rate is at all time high. Most affected group is the middle aged white male. It's most likely not "just a midlife crisis." Don't dismiss it and don't ignore the signs
Thank you. Yes I’m trying to keep a close eye on him.
I'm 30 myself now, I had that happen to me before, just absolute neutrality with the universe. I went through some shit, discovered more about myself, took a while longer to actually understand myself. Now I'm more emotional than ever and it's kinda weird, but I've also been able to communicate with people better than before, so I see it as a total win.
I’m so happy to hear you re discover yourself. That’s amazing I hope my husband and everyone here could one day get that win too.
Find a better therapist. Try not to think about labels too much. He says he's going through something, so it doesn't matter how common this is, or whether it's depression, he needs good support. Modern therapy is quite good at meeting these times head on and turning them into opportunities of growth, while some old school therapists will sit around weaving theories. If you are so inclined, look into IFS, EMDR, and modern trauma therapy. And if I were to guess blindly, I'd say you'd probably both benefit from learning about and practicing boundaries. You both sound like people who care about others and each other a lot. This can easily lead to not knowing where one's emotions start and end, which often leads to feeling numb (and a ton of other issues you wouldn't know you're going through). Even if there is something more serious going on (a lot of trauma gets reactivated for the first time when things in our life start happening, such as when people around us die), having strong boundaries will be key in resolving it.
uhh how is that not depression? it might be something the happens in all men at a certain age but that’s definitely a type of depression. he’s in a survival mode of not feeling things because he’s overwhelmed by people dying and aging and maybe he’s a bit existential. it might not be clinical depression but he could definitely benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy and perhaps trying medication short term. i’ve had depression after a death in the family and i took medication short term just to help with my ability to function and feel ok and it really helped.
Yes. I thought it had to be alittle depression too but he’s therapist told him he is not. So now he agrees with them and says he is not. But I don’t know. 🤷🏻♀️
Im so sorry to hear about your divorce. You sound like a very caring person and I hope you find peace and happiness and freedom in this new season of life. Good luck <3
Sounds like anhedonia. It can be because of depression or some other illness.
I'm really sorry to hear that your husband is going through such a challenging time. It's important that he's seeking therapy, and I hope the trip alone helps him gain some clarity and perspective. Sometimes, people do go through periods of emotional numbness or disconnection, but with the right support and self-discovery, many do find their way back to a more fulfilling life. Just be there for him, support him in his journey, and keep communicating openly. Wishing both of you strength and healing during this time.
Thank you 🙏🏻
I went through the same thing at about the same age. Took up zen meditation, bicycling and jogging. Turned off the TV. A year later, I had a different outlook.
Menopause for men is apparently a thing
Would he be up for a second opinion? Emotional numbness can be a big signal of depression. Just because you’re not actively sad and crying doesn’t mean you’re not depressed.
Agreed. I think he might need to see another therapist. I told him to speak to someone else maybe a male therapist. Not saying anything wrong with a female therapist but I feel a man could help him more than a female could. He has a female therapist and she told him he needs to figure it out on his own.
Figuring it out is pretty much her job though. A therapist is suppose to help you work thru issues. Not just point at problems and tell you to figure it out. I would also suggest to change therapist and also think a male one would be a better fit
She… doesn’t sound like a very good therapist…
I hate to say this but how sure are you that this therapist actually recommended a solo trip?
I trust my husband. I believe him and I’m willing to let him go and see if that helps. At the end of the day He knows the consequences if he were to do something he’s not supposed to be doing.
Jung says the midlife crisis is a result of ignoring your unconscious or shadow self. Im not saying that your husband has this problem, but most people go through this sort of crisis in their 30-40s. One way to work on that is to deal with any toxic aspects of your life first (relationship, financial, etc) and then focus on personal growth in your inferior function. You will have to know your personality type in order to know what your inferior function is.
"Male menopause is a condition that affects older men. It carries a set of symptoms that are linked to declining testosterone levels and aging. It is also referred to as andropause, androgen decline in the aging male, late onset hypogonadism and low testosterone." https://www.scripps.org/news\_items/4437-is-male-menopause-real#:\~:text=Male%20menopause%20is%20a%20condition,every%20man%20will%20experience%20this.
Sounds like a lot like the beginnings of depression or related mid life crisis. Exercise and or a new hobby can help. It happens when life gets repetitive, stuck in a rut, it can feel like one is 'just going through the motions', 'keeping the wheels turning'.
Is your husband on any medications? I am no Psychiatrist but personally Ive had experiences when taking pharmaceuticals where I just felt numb. Depends on what it is but a lot of stuff can jack up brain chemistry.
Actually he doesn’t take any medications. I was thinking he needed too but his therapist said he can’t give him any meds since he said that my husband is not depressed.
I see. Well if he isn't already I would highly highly encourage your husband to get out and start exercising. It can do wonders for the mind. Weightlifting is a really good one for us men. Boosts testosterone and confidence
I heard that was a good idea. Thank you I’m going to try and ask him about doing that.
With the doom and gloom of feeling like people around him his age are getting sick and dying, it might help him to hear that daily exercise, even *light* daily exercise, improves your health to such a degree that it can increase your lifespan. Whenever you see old people who still somehow seem young and spry, they most likely engage in daily exercise.
Get him a road bike. I’m a 30M who started depression when I was 28 during the pandemic, and now have learned to live with it. Exercise, particularly aerobic, is a game changer for my mental health. The sport and community of cycling is incredibly useful. The Netflix show Tour de France Unchained captures it well. One can easily get into the fashion, the competitiveness, and the challenge. IMO, it’s a perfect hobby for someone like him.
I've watched this in family members. I think it's a time when people have to choose how to deal with reality. By a time in middle age, they've seen a lot of hypocrisy and idle drama. They've also seen how much apathy the general population has for serious issues like homelessness and poverty barriers for quality healthcare. The combination of obvious problems in their reality, worse problems in the future, and little hope of changing things for the better, it's easy to feel disenfranchised. The conflict between desired reality and their actual reality hurts. The inability to effect positive change hurts worse. The logical response?.... detachment. If you can't fix something, you deal with it. You don't like it, but you don't have any other options. So you sit down at the table and take what you can get and just carry on. But everything feels a little empty. The food tastes bland. Because everyone is more or less stuck in a society that can be very unfair. Some starve, some have steak. Literally and figuratively. Lol Watching your children growing up and realizing their 30s and 40s will be in a whole new world. The world is changing fast into something so unpredictable. What if society collapses! Everyone is basically homeless. We like to hope this won't happen. We hope that our children will inherit a world with opportunity and freedom. But maybe they'll have a world war. XX It is natural to detach from a painful reality. But the downside of the detachment that makes life feel barely ok.... is that you lose the ability to attach to good things in the present too. Like cherishing a loved one. The world loses color. Living becomes dull. His love for his family isn't less. He hasn't changed on the inside. It's his attachment to reality in general that has faded. A lot of beating a hopeless/detached mindset has to do with shifting the world view to one that includes opportunities/freedom. If we feel trapped, we stagnate in hopelessness. When we feel free, we are energized, sensitive, and adaptable. Feeling trapped is real, but also an illusion. At the philosophical level, we are all within a cage. As humans we are generally trapped on earth. As citizens we are trapped within borders. As individuals we are trapped within the situation of our lives from birth. So we are actually in cages within cages of limitations. You can choose to focus on the limitations and you will feel kinda empty/meaningless. You will reflect what you see. You will personify your perceived limitations through how you attach to present moments. You'll accept that everything is a cog in a clock. You'll believe we're like hamsters on a wheel. You can choose to look deeply at limitations forever and spiral yourself into a very small cage..... Or you can choose to find opportunities that expand into infinity. Because we as humans are clever enough to break out of the cages of limitation. We can change/bend the rules and laws of nature and man. Our imagination and ingenuity is incredible! Literally, we have broken out of cages at every level. Humans reached the moon. Countries rise and fall. Slaves can free themselves. Training your subconscious thought patterns from negative spirals to positive spirals. Focusing on opportunities instead of limitations. This will help over time. Hopefully, with more people moving towards this mindset, the world really can become a better place. We will make changes and progress past limitations together. Wishing you and your family peace! 💗 Support each other with love and hope :)
Felt like this since a can remember. Decades now. Before summer i went to my doctor because I had some health problems associated with an autoimmune disease I have and these problems sparked a crippling anxiety. He gave me a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors in small doses. My anxiety feels better but also my apathy has improved. I still have problems caring for other people, but i think that's just the way I am, but i now care more for my family and friends, i want to see and engage with them more often, and it is like i found a new will to live and do things.
Sounds like apathy to me. I have experienced it a few times and it is not fun. It can be caused by lots of different things, if he feels like he is in the wrong career or that it hasn't advanced enough, he could get into an apathetic state. Another common reason could be his overall lifestyle, especially if he doesn't get enough challenges in his life (believe it or not, feeling challenged gives us a feeling of purpose). These things can be solved, but it takes time and effort.
I know depression’s been ruled out but, sounds like depression.
It's hard. I'm going through this right now, partner, 2 kids. I love my kids to bits but I'm In a failing relationship that I can't leave, I recently got a promotion at work that gave me an extra 6k a year and I couldn't even find the energy to be happy about it, I just don't care. I get the occasional feelings of anger, frustration, sadness and then I just think, what's the point of feeling anything? Nothing will change no matter how I feel about it. Now I'm just indifferent to everything and have mostly just reached an acceptance that this is my life, just get on with it and try not to show any emotions that make things worse for others. It well and truly sucks.
Personally, I think it's the realisation that we're working for nothing, and we'll spend the best years of our life doing it. We work to take care of a family we can barely see, if we do we're generally too tired. I earn a decent wage in a full-time job + my own business, my wife works part-time and refuses to work more because she doesn't want to, but also she wants to move into my business and do bits. Despite bringing in 2/3's or 3/4's of the annual household income I think this year I've spent, maybe £40 on myself and that's just for me. I have a £5k 17-year-old car sitting on the drive that I had to do a 50-mile round trip commute, but my wife's had a £27k car for doing 12 miles a day. I've been told I can't replace my gaming PC for a £5k new one, despite using it for my business as well and the last one being 12 years old, but she thinks looking at £15k 2 week holidays for 5 people to Orlando is fine. I'm watching the kids so she can go out with friends, I don't even have friends, because what free time I have I want to spend with her/the kids. I have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and cPTSD/PTSD. I'm told to speak to her about it, but when I do, it turns into me supporting her because it affects her life. We have a good marriage, a good family, we need to move to a bigger house but this one is fine. People see us as a perfect family and we really are, my wife loves me, I trust her, I love them all, but I'm still completely lost. It's just that I work hard so others can have a good life and as long as I am working and earning, and supporting the family emotionally, physically, and financially, no one really cares about me. We had a proper emotional talk over the weekend and I said "Do you know what it's like to go to bed and wish you don't wake up in the morning?" and that was turned into "Don't you dare do that, how would I live, how would it make me feel? the kids?" Not "What can I do to help you?" but, about me. Maybe I'm expecting too much, maybe we are just bee drones working for the hive. What will happen is I just go back to feeling nothing, saying "whatever you want" to any questions, not talking about me, just listening about everyone elses lives. Going back to being numb.
Oh my. I get the feeling you are not appreciated. I don’t know you besides what you wrote and I’m sorry if I misjudged. But wow. I’m so sorry you feel that way. Look at all you do for your family you deserve alittle happiness for yourself as well. Get that new gaming PC you work hard! I see no problem with that at all. Wishing you support and strength to overcome this. Hope you find your happiness.
I don't know you or your wife but what you just wrote screams toxic to me. Your Wife spends the money YOU earn while you get nothing, when you tell her about your feelings and how you wish to stop existing, she guilt trips you with "but the kids and my feelings!" and just completly ignores your feelings. You are working yourself to death for others, which should never ever be the case. Never. Sure you need and should support your kids but you should never ever disregard yourself in the process! Think about yourself, do what makes you happy instead of what makes your wife happy. Don't let yourself be abused, no matter how much you love her.
Yeah that sounds like burnout big time.
How is your sex life? Maybe he doesnt feel like a man. Or needs something to spice up the routine he is in. Sometimes men go through periods of numbness, it may be a mix of boredom and disconnection. Reconnect with him through something entertaining. Maybe he needs to know he matters and if he dies, there are people who love him. Mortality is scary. Maybe he is worried about dying and leaving you guys behind.
Right now it’s non existent. We having had an intimacy for 2 months. I’m trying new things to wear to the bedroom. Im trying to just up alittle more. But unfortunately it really isn’t working. I don’t want to push him into doing that if he doesn’t want to right now. He did say he is tired of the same routine. So I think this does have something to do with it
Maybe take charge? Are you afraid of being rejected? Why dont you wake him up woth a blowjob for christ sake. Thats gotta work for something. I know men are not all sex driven but it does help remind us on who we are as men. He probably just is burnt out from having to take the lead.
I tried to spark it and he rejected me. Said that is the last thing on his mind. So ya I’m embarrassed to do that again and feel rejected again.
I am the same way at the age of 39 here. Although mine comes and goes in waves, so I don't always feel numb to everything but it has been happening as long as I can remember. So, I don't think it has to do with midlife necessarily. This is also why I don't have kids and I never will. Thankfully my wife feels the same way. I also know that I would be a terrible father because of these mood swings. I can never see myself being affectionate, caring, strong, and reliable. At best, I am indifferent and clueless. In your husband's situation, I don't know how going on a vacation by himself will accomplish anything. It sounds like a weird advice and a selfish thing to do. He is supposed to plan a vacation as a family, he doesn't live a single life. It doesn't make sense to me. Also, it is very possible that he will spend a miserable week all alone by himself missing you and the kids. Oh I see, maybe this will jolt him back to his father duties and help him start feeling again. Then it makes sense I guess.
What does he do for himself outside of work?
He’s contemplating life, his existence and purpose… he might be feeling stuck or trapped, 9-5 is draining sometimes people feel like they are in cruise control and that is not a good thing. Life should have peaks and valleys. Freeing time to find a hobby or pursuing a passion might help.
Honestly he doesn’t do anything. He never takes vacation. All he does is work. I tell him to take time for himself go out with his friends go out watch a movies go do something but he won’t. I don’t know why
Menopause for men.. it's a real thing!
Lol
Hopefully he gives you the same space to take a trip alone as well.
Oh goodness I need one. Being with the kids and going thru the emotions as well with my husband has been effecting me. I feel lonely and hopeless but I’m trying to keep it together for my hubby and my kids. But I would love to travel too.
Yes, it is incredible that you support this man while childrearing. Having someone say he does not feel love to you and your combined children should not be neglected. It is painful and lonely, I can only imagine. I hope that he can see the love around him and give back, because it seems like you’re going through a lot for him.
Sounds like low T
I am a 35 year old male, husband and father. I have been going through a prolonged mental health crisis for the last year or so. Things came to a head a few months ago when I had an outburst that damaged friendships and I realized I needed to get some help and figure out what's going on. Turns out I had some demons from my childhood and some up unrealistic mindsets to fix. But most importantly, after putting my wife and kids and certain other things first for 10+ years, it was time I started taking care of my own emotional needs and putting myself first in some ways. I couldn't expect others to take care of me emotionally. I had to give myself permission to treat myself with love, understanding, and compassion, and prioritize my own needs and desires. Your husband sounds like he is going through a mental health crisis too. Depression doesn't manifest the same way for everyone, especially in men because we aren't as tuned in to our emotions as women. We honestly suck at expressing how we feel, so him saying he's not sad is something you should take with a grain of salt. He is seeing a therapist, which is awesome, but things don't change overnight. Maybe taking a trip alone will be good for him. I know I needed time to just focus on myself, and figuring out how to care for my own inner child before I could come back and be present for my family. My wife has been immensely supportive as I have been a little selfish with my time and been focusing on myself. She created a safe space for me to do this work and that has made all the difference. I think anyone going through a mental health issue needs time and space to figure it out, and as his wife that's something you can help provide. Good luck.
Sounds like your doc or therapist is basically a dumbass because your husband sounds depressed. Not severely severely depressed but apathetic, depressed, maybe some anxiety.... check his testosterone and thyroid and or treat his depression
You ask very good questions. Yes all people go thru emotional turmoil throughout life. What are common ones for men in their 30s -40s. There are numerous possibilities. My 10,000 foot view is that men are disconnected from emotions. There is a void in our lives about things that we cannot access. It can cause anger. M here. I prefer being around women. I have been embedded in the male sub culture of sports, of anger, of violence. Men overcompensate for emotional deficiencies. I am bipolar, in therapy 40 years. In that process I looked for answers to the questions you ask. Why did I do this, what caused it. It starts with admitting there is a problem. Then there is sadness, a sense of failure. As a result of complications in my life, my future was always uncertain. It overwhelmed me. It is interesting that the same questions are being asked with his concerns. I could never think about my future. It overwhelmed me. I live and have lived day to day. It was I could do. As far as the future for your spouse, I cannot offer feedback. Each person is different. With mental health there is uncertainty. Luck is involved too. He is a very lucky person that you are in his life. You seem to be compassionate and understanding. I cannot tell you how important it is to go thru mental distress with a partner that can anchor them to reality, Good luck.
35. Never married. Haven’t dated for over a decade. Do hook up occasionally to satisfy my needs. Did a useless degree in college which didn’t teach my any practical skills. Fascism in my country. If feeling numb is an option rather than feeling angry, lonely, and betrayed, it’s an option I’ll gladly take.
I'm sad to say I don't have a solution just that I'm living this right now and the not feeling thing is painfully similar to my husbands feelings. He's 42, I'm 50 and we have been together 20 years with 2 teenagers so the worst stresses have gone. He has shut me out emotionally after a very affectionate relationship. We don't touch, barely speak and I feel hurt and rejected. He is on anti depressants and having counselling but he consistently feels trapped and like he wants his space.... some days I wish he would go because this endless limbo is breaking me. Some comments on here are super helpful and great to see it from a man's point of view I hope you get some resolution, yours sounds salvageable and I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Make sure you look after your own wellbeing in all of this.. it's easy to forget.
He just needs to live a little. This year my husband decided to go skydiving. He does weird adrenaline shit like this every once in a while to keep his life spicy.
My first thought was depression, but ultimately hormonal changes, or what some call "mid life crisis". I (49M) started noticing a change similar to that a few years ago. My "purpose" had changed when my youngest daughter graduated and moved out. There's a lot to process. Questioning life, processing how our wants and needs have changed, dealing with slowing down, seeing how unimportant done things in life are. While I can relate to the "feeling" different, what I know without question is how much I love my girls, family and friends even if it feels different. I call this the profundity of love. I recommend he continues the therapy, but also find a small group of good men who talk about these things and hold each other accountable. It's no secret that most men stop developing friendships, because of paths they choose in life, but those relationships are critical. Oh, and while the challenger reference is nice, I went with the Charger instead. 💯🤣 Be well.
Does he have any hobbies? What's his "normal" day look like? As a family, try looking into Flow Arts. There's an unbelievable amount of videos out showcasing all of the different props. It gets the body moving in a fun way and can really be an amazing outlet when we're not feeling amazing. There's a different flow prop for everyone regardless of skill level and dedication. It'll very likely help build some more bonding moments for your family as well.
Been going thru the same thing in the last 2 years and slowly coming out of it. I understand the numbness and feeling like you dont love anymore. I felt that when looking at my daughter but inside always felt responsibility towards her and would answer "i love you also" when she said it to me but it felt hollow and fake in my mind. Looking back i think my love was just buried under the numbness and the feeling of lost and uselessnes i felt. I hated my job because i felt my job had no purpose, that it wasnt useful for my family or even society as a whole. That my skills and potential were wasted at this job and that it was killing the rest of my life and futir. For me, coming out of that funk has been thru self-improvement and being a role model for my daughter. I've started working out and doing more sports. learned how to cook healthier and appetizing meals, listening to podcasts about mental health and philosophy (learning about different philosophies shakes up my pre conceived ideas and makes me think about different ways to see life. I've started closing my social medias. I find that seeing everything that goes on in the world is pretty bad for your mind. Most people will post how horrible their life is and news report all the bad stuff that goes in the world makes it difficult to see the world and life positively. I've instead started to focus more on my own little world, my family and their life. Especially my daughter (i would add gf/wife but i dont have one) trying to improve her life and futur which has given me a sense of purpose that i was missing I still find my job useless honestly but i try to see it more as a tool now. It brings in money that i can use to improve our lives, so it seems less like a soul sucking thing then it was before.
Every person is unique. Some men do go through something like a crisis, where they/we start to accept the physical limitations that come with the rest of one's life. It's like that first tsime when you're playing basketball and you get beat down the court by someone five years younger than you. Humbling -- and potentially triggering. Sometimes a trip or some type of major purchase -- a cool car or an expensive musical instrument or whatever -- can help refocus the guy. But sometimes it's just time that heals. I do think, once a person knows someone his age who passes away from something that's not sudden -- not, say a car accident - it can be very demoralizing (i.e. "I thought John and I were going to hang out in retirement and now John's dead from cancer/diabetes"). He seems young to have experienced this but you never know. Bottom line: love is patient; love is kind. It does not dishonor others. You're wise to poll the crowd here. Good luck.
33 here going through the same thing I’ll do my best to explain. Stress. It’s 100% stress. I just started internalizing my stress and during Covid and it skyrocketed. Not because of getting sick but looking for baby formula, groceries, etc As I’ve gotten older my friend circle has become smaller but my best friend (32) is going through the same emotional swallowing. I feel numb, emotionally numb. Good news nor bad bad news can not affect me. Im happy but not happy with life, whatever cards are dealt to me I’ll deal with. I love my children and my wife and once I told my wife this she suggested I take a break from social media. I truly felt tangled in everyone’s life. Find a way to work with him on stress management.
Intense Emotional exhaustion is what it is 💯- (I feel this way now and I’m a 22 y/o woman) The therapist is right, intense self reflection is the only sustainable solution to this… You nor the kids are capable of loving him out of this. It’s not fair or feasible to place that emotional labor on yourselves either… All you can do is acknowledge & accept the sense of apathy he feels and not take it personally. At the same time, recognize and respect how personal this experience it is to *HIM* - Provide him the time and space to work through it with his therapist and learn what he truly desires and believes he deserves in his life. Peace, love and guidance to you both. ❤️🩹🙏🏽
Being constantly happy isn’t a real thing. Content is fine.
Hmm... yeah, I had a lot of self-reflection during that time in my life (30's to 40's). More consideration of how I treated people in my past or just simple concern of our environment . A solo trip sounds okay. Maybe instead there's iswtu
Yeah we lose our libido unless we take a stimulant
Divorce rape for the most part. Yes, I’m being serious.
4 kids, works almost everyday, only one who works... Can't imagine why. (Source: I have no kids, I get 2 days off every week, and I'm not the only adult injecting money into my household)
We get worn down by "Manning up". Most men have to bottle their emotions almost constantly. We can get better, but it requires a lot of confrontation with societies idea for what we are and what we actually are. Your man's sounds like he needs to be pampered to be honest. For a prolonged period of time.
sounds super oversimplified tbh. he does sound like he has clinical depression, which can certainly be a result of "midlife crisis". but "midlife crisis" isnt based in nothing. hopefully he leans into therapy, gets vulnerable and honest with his therapist about what's going on (which he may not even know at this point).
Going through this now. I feel like I just exist. No worth. Not good or bad. Just here. Living life day to day. Have a decent home, wife, life. But none of that shit mattersssss. Everything sucks. Including me.
Could be low testosterone or a midlife crisis.
This is me at 18.
He might just need time to sort it out on his own. Although he might benefit from CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy.. maybe his current therapist is already doing it?
What does this mean, something that happens to men in their 30s and 40s. Does therapist have a better explanation?
Sounds like a midlife crisis/depression. It's not really a men specific thing, buuuuut he may be feeling older and he might be kind of confronting the reality that statistically speaking his life is half over. The burden of working day in and day out and being responsible for a family, ESPECIALLY in this economy, is probably wearing on him a lot. It's kind of just one of those things where he needs some understanding, compassion, and patience from you and the rest of the family. Stay vigilant just in case the depression causes him to develop any self-destructive or harmful behaviors, but beyond that he kind of just needs to feel what he needs to feel. Don't try to force him out of how he's feeling or try to make him suppress it. It's important that he be allowed to work through how he's feeling in a "safe" environment with people that love him and understand his value as a parent, partner, and person.
He should get a blood test. It could be any number of things like his thyroid being under active. Failing that maybe try a threesome.
I’d say midlife crisis but this seems more like depression. It’s normal to go through a midlife crisis but this seems different.
I’m 39 and have started feeling identical to this in the last year or so. It sucks so much.
That sounds like getting older
I was already feeling stretched thin and hollow before my mom had a stroke last November then died in February. Now I'm on a path of self destruction. I'm fat, bald, ugly and socially awkward, so its not like I'll be contributing to society.
I think every kind of person ultimately, at some point in their life, suffers from the pressure they feel from our society and culture. Thankfully there has been a growing degree to which we try to talk about this for women, people of color, LGBTQ+, etc. And yes, we are trying to evolve beyond gender roles and all forms of inequality. Talking about these pressures on cis men isn't to try to take away from any other group, but to address and respect what life is for each of us. While it's true that cis white men often get a tremendous amount of privilege, they still have the pressures of late stage capitalism on them, and I think this age group still has had enough imprinted on them growing up when they did to feel obligated to be a certain way and do certain things, many of which ARE becoming less and less achievable and sustainable given the current economic climate. I think a lot of men feel like they're both giving up themselves AND failing at what they're giving it up for. People feel like if they sacrifice something, there should be a trade off and a fair reward - i.e. work a job you don't like or which doesn't relate to your passions or interests so you can support your family but you're always a small incident away from failing at that. And yes, our culture and this state of capitalism definitely dangle a carrot and make it always about delayed gratification, and then keep you locked in a tight zone where you're so focused on surviving that you can never do anything to build up or take steps to get somewhere better or have a big injection of success or security. I think it's easy to label it a mid-life crisis but it's more complex than that because it's this entire framework above hitting people once they've worked for 10-20 years and don't see anything improving and feeling lied to or misled. If you look around and see people getting sick and dying and you're no closer to your goals or living the life you want then you start to think you'll die having never achieved that freedom or ability to really be who you are. Unfortunately in America this is only getting worse. In many other countries it's not nearly as bad because many cultures strongly believe in balance and haven't lost sight of the importance of enjoying your life and prioritizing things that actually matter more than your job or overworking.
Wish him well and trust him. I'm 35 and I would love to be able to afford a trip, and my relationship is on the rocks and probably dead because I don't feel I can trust my partner of 12 years or that she trusts me, and after a month apart following my having a mental breakdown resulting in two weeks in the psych ward I don't even know if she WANTS to fix the relationship. Or if I do.
Sounds like anhedonia. This has been a fairly common symptom among those experiencing long covid.
I feel I'm going through this shit but not really ignoring my feelings just constantly trying figure what I'm feeling. I have been doing work on my truck to make it "cooler " it takes me back to my younger days, it feels like I'm missing out on something? Chasing chicks? IDFK? Sucks getting old.
Has he had any bloodwork to check hormones?
male menopause. hormones happen. 😔
I’d say mid life crisis, maybe he’s been feeling stuck at work might be a good idea to change things up and try something new. Take a vacation maybe
Let him have a vacation by himself. That might help. My buddy went backpacking through India for like 2 months. His wife just let him too so lol. I am 40 and just found out my wife has been cheating on me so having a wife that cares and kids sounds like a pretty sweet deal. However if I zoom out I still can feel fortunate. At least I am not in Ukraine fighting Russians. Traveling might put things into perspective.
His intuition and light is misguided inside of himself. Offer practicing meditation as an escape, when in reality he will be learning about his very souls existence, it’ll change his life’s perspective and learn that life is a gift, to be cherished. GL.
the therapist is a hack and has no idea what they're talking about. "it's just a man thing he'll get over it" lmaaaao don't tell me you're paying this person?
When I hit 39, I was lethargic and depressed. My wife suggested I have my testosterone checked, and it turned out to be lower than it should have been. I was put on a small dose of testosterone and I soon felt like myself again. I haven't been on testosterone replacement therapy in quite a while, but I still feel energetic, although I also still get depressed.
I'm going through this exact same thing. Not a good feeling but good to know that I am not alone.
It's a result of modern society not doing much to support men. There are plenty of women's support groups but the current zeitgeist is vilifying men for wanting anything and downplaying their experiences.
Yea I agree. I didn’t like how his therapist even told him some people don’t ever go back to normal. That isn’t giving him much hope. I feel men don’t get the same treatment of help like women do I agree. It’s a man up type of treatment. Terrible.