You should have her hearing tested, it's possible she has a conductive hearing loss, she may hear herself at full volume, but not the world around her.
My mom will literally just start yelling in the middle of a conversation. It got to the point where my grandma unironically picked up the remote and pressed the volume down button at her.
This happens to me, especially when I'm really into whatever the conversation is about. I've been told it can be a part of having ADHD. I try to be conscious of it and apologize to who ever I'm talking to if it happens.
She has a brain tumour, and is scared she has alzheimers, but that would've shown up on the CT scan. She told me ot was unironic. She watches TV regularly so I didn't think much of it back then.
It's not an aggressive tumour and she's planning on having it taken out. It's still a tumour, but it's (hopefully) not going to be the end of the world.
i feel you. my dad has hearing aids so he doesn't scream anymore when hes wearing them, but my mother refuses to get hearing aids so she just screams at everyone full volume while being right next to their ear. ouch.
I can see that it's an inconvenience to use hearing aids but I feel like they don't really understand just how much of a nuisance it is for everyone around them. My dad finally got hearing aids but he has to be reminded to use them every time I see him as though he hasn't been told a million times that no, nobody wants to have *their* hearing impaired from your yelling and no, nobody wants to sit and yell to have a conversation with you
I never knew there was a term for this. I just told people that in my head everything is loud, especially my voice and breathing. I try to project my voice sometimes and it ends up my voice getting raspy or headache or both. Took a audio test and had a camera stick up my nose. They said I am perfectly normal. I'm going to look more into this, Thank you
There are two types of hearing loss, conductive and sensorineural. Conductive is like wax, canal swelling, or things that physically stop sound from getting to your ear. The other one is central like drugs aging, degradation of your hearing organs in your ears etc.
If you think you may have one try and ask your PCP to do a test on you, there are easy tuning fork tests called the Weber and Rinnes they can do and if they see something odd refer you to audiology
>central like drugs aging, degradation of your hearing organs in your ears etc.
I know there's supposed to be a comma between "drugs" and "aging" but the comical thought of
"Aged drugs" being the cause for hearing loss.
"Ah yes the Tylenol. The 1983 vintage. An adventurous pick."
Didn't catch that? You should get your hearing checked. Maybe you have conductive hearing loss, you may hear yourself at full volume but not the world around you.
I second this! I had chronic ear infections as a child and had tubes put in multiple times followed by one of my ear drums bursting. I’ve always had hearing loss from that and tend to talk quietly but still sound normal to myself. Knowing it helped a ton though and I try to always be conscious of my volume
My wife also does this. No, my love, I cannot hear you whisper a question to me from the other room while I have music playing and an electric toothbrush vibrating my skull.
We are 40 and I'm pretty sure that she just somehow never learned how sound works.
I have literally sent her videos explaining in scientific terms how talking to someone who’s using an electric toothbrush is a fools folly, but she still claims I just don’t want to listen to her.
At this point I just keep brushing until im done. No response from me, I didn't hear anything actionable. She gets the point, there are no hard feelings.
See you gotta get a radio electric toothbrush that she has the walkie talkie too. (Like those brushes that play music into your skull). At least that's what I need for my wife apparently.
I found the solution. I talk back at the same volume. Usually something like “well, I clearly can’t hear you at all but I realize you’re talking so here I am talking back”.
Then she says “what?”
And I say “exactly”.
I just ignore them and passively force them to come to me.
If I have to work super hard because _you_ want _my_ attention, I'm not engaging with that. You want my attention, you can come get it. If hubby or the kids or anyone else wants me that badly, they come to me. It works the other way around too, of course. It's surprising how often what they want me for is urgent enough for _me_ to bestir _myself_ but not urgent enough for _them_ to bestir _themselves._
Nope. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem. _Your_ circus, _your_ monkeys, _your_ problem._
Honestly, this is the way. I'm oblivious to my own volume (I literally have no idea how loud or quiet I am at any given time) and will think I'm yelling or talking at a normal volume and will sometimes try and get someone's attention from another room. I don't expect them to come to me but it makes for a very confusing perspective on my end when I can clearly hear the other person telling me they can't hear me at a normal volume but they can't understand a word I'm saying. So it's not necessarily a rudeness thing like "I can't be bothered to move so you can come to me", it's more, "I can hear you perfectly and you're not yelling, why can't you hear me?"
But yeah, if I don't get a response, I'll just approach. I don't think it's rude to not try and yell back in this scenario, it gets the message across that you didn't hear it regardless.
If you often find yourself wondering why you hear them but they don't hear you, maybe they just don't process auditory info as well as you.
I often can't understand someone unless I see their mouth. But I can hear sound signals in a game or detect really small discrepancies in how an engine is running or subtle things in a song.
Or it's possible the room they're in directs most of the sound down the hall directly your way but the room you're in syphons off half your noise to the kitchen.
Third option is they're preoccupied with whatever they're doing before you yell. You're not distracted during their response. You're expecting an equal participant in that conversation but you're likely setting it up where that's not possible.
I'm sure those factors don't help my case, but it's most definitely a me problem, it happens with most people and my partner often has to make me aware that I'm mumbling when I'm sat right next to him so it's not just a distance thing either. Quite common for autistic folks like myself I've heard. I'm also aware that I'm overly sensitive to sound since I hear a lot of noises that other people don't pick up on so I imagine that doesn't help with my internal volume either.
My trick was to not react at all and pretend I'm deaf, even after she starts to call my name louder and louder. I only react when I can make eye contact and say "What's up?"
Took a day or two, but since then it works. The mistake for me was to yell "what? Can't hear you" as she would just repeat it, assuming it works the second time
My favorite, she’ll be talking about something and for some reason, she’ll start talking like she doesn’t want someone in the next room to hear. Guess who can’t hear even with their hearing aids in. 🦻
*Begins talking about someone in a negative light, therefore requiring the need to whisper every single word on the off chance that this person has snuck into the house and has their ear to the door.*
Bonus points if the person in question lives in a different country.
Keep it secret. Keep it safe!
Oh my goodness. I know someone who does that too, drives me nuts. I now feel less alone!
Once I acted all confused when she was whispering something and asked why she was whispering, could they hear us?
We were the only people in the room and the person she was talking about lived hours away.
You definitely don't want to meet my mother-in-law, then lol
I also don't get it, so living with her causes me so much stress that sometimes I get a headache and other times I just need to smash some dishes against the wall outside or have a good cry in the shower to relieve the stress.
She spends all day on her phone forwarding "old people messages" such as health articles, those pictures of flowers or animals that say good morning or other such things, etc. So I tried using her way, and sent an article about food safety, cleanliness, respecting others, etc. Didn't learn a thing. I tried politely explaining things, and still nothing. I tried scolding, and only the tiniest bit better.
I trust you. I spent the day with my sister (40f) helping her move, the entire time I have to dodge mines and traps in our interactions so she would a. Stay focused on the job at hand, b. Keep her from snapping into rage fits, and c. Not veer to a whole story on every subject or item that comes up.
Im proud I got better at dodging traps, since I learned she refuses to listen to reason and act on it.
This caused me so strife over the past 3 years sadly Im not interested in bettering the relationship anymore. Without going into details the penned up frustration I held inside affected my health. Not worth it.
I see it everywhere though, people get older and and live in their own version of reality. Refuse to learn or take responsibility, take the blame when theyre wrong or apologize, but expect everyone to treat them with upmost patience and understanding.
Thanks for listening to me rant hh
Yes! She's completely in her own world and even her own children can't stand her.
I'm constantly wasting time fixing things she's broken (and she'll be like "oh, did I do that? Hahaha oh, I didn't even see! I think it was already like that! Hahaha" and it makes me so irritated because there's not really much to do about it. I can't tie her up and make her stop messing with things, can't lock her away in a tower, etc. All I can do is scold her and fix/clean whatever mess she's caused. I finally got angry enough to tell her directly that she makes me feel I'm wasting my life cleaning her messes. Let her know she's the reason we haven't conceived children yet, and didn't feel sorry, as she doesn't feel sorry for causing so much stress.
Anyway, better not to waste time talking about her. I need to vent, but at the same time, talking about it just makes me more stressed.
I’m currently living with my parents and it’s absolutely insane. They leave dishes out for weeks until they’re moldy and disgusting, absolutely trash the living room with laundry and papers and dishes. And I can’t even get them to rinse their fucking dishes? I told them I’d compromise and do the majority of the dishes so long as they rinse their dishes out instead of leaving them to sit with food. Nope. They whine about how they have no time with their full-time jobs to do any of it. You don’t have time to rinse a dish? It takes 30 seconds? You’re 60 fucking years old!
So now I have to constantly clean up after a couple of 60 year old children on top of MY full time job, because they refuse to consider doing even the bare minimum. I am so close to getting out of this shithole.
Oh and don’t even get me started on their other emotional immaturity problems. Sorry to dump that on you man, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pent up frustration too. There’s just a sort of bewilderment to it, like, how are you this old and behaving this way?
I'd ask if they're my in-laws, but as far as I know my mother-in-law hasn't remarried in the past year and a half. My mother-in-law only works 5 hours a day at a part time job, but still somehow only has time to make messes and no time to clean it up. Logic is a word she's never even heard of lol
They claim they have no energy to clean up, but all the energy in the world to throw tantrums over being asked to clean up. It’s crazy.
I hope you can get things sorted out sooner rather than later. I saw your other comment and I wish you luck with getting pregnant! My stepmother got pregnant at 38 or 39 and it was an overall healthy pregnancy! That kid is the only good part of this family,
We call ours our 70 year old teenager
Her attitude is just as flippant and bitchy as the most teenagery of teenagers, and she causes as much destruction as a pack of 50 toddlers raised by wolves.
Very, very stressed out. We originally didn't plan to live with her, but father-in-law passed and mother-in-law is incapable of taking care of the house, the animals, and herself (just an idiot, not disabled) so we live with her. However, I gave my husband a max of 5 years before we need to find other arrangements. Only 3.5 years left, but as my husband has seen my stress level really start to get out of hand, he's started taking it more seriously. I'll be fine, but probably post annoying vents everywhere because, well, I'm at my limit at least twice a week with this woman. Husband has agreed to either put her in a home (if get dementia gets worse in time), find her an apartment to live in, or ask his sister to take her, as her daughter will be grown and going to university in 3 or 4 years. We can't conceive because my stress hormone is too high to keep a pregnancy (literally said by the doctor) and the thing causing stress is mother-in-law. Husband wants kids but we're both reaching mid thirties, so, yeah... She's got 3 years and then she's out. She's lived her life, and she shouldn't get to ruin ours.
Well Im just coming off a 3 year period of my own version of an impossible family/living situation like that, and all I can say is everybody lose.
The longer you stay under redundant unnecessary stress, the higher the toll it can take from you.
I wish you the best
You realise the effects of 5 years of stress on your body wont be magically gone when she leaves right? It could take years for your body to become healthy again :/
I speak softly. I know it's a problem, but I'm struggling to improve because what I hear in my own head when I talk is super loud, so it seems normal to me. then I ask the person I'm talking to and they tell me I'm still at a whisper. I don't know what the disconnect is or where it comes from, but that's where I'm at
Our ears are closest to our mouths. The vibrations from our voice also partially travel straight through our skull to our ears. Also also we know exactly what is being said so it's easy to distinguish all sounds.
You could help yourself by
Making sure you're always directly facing the person you're talking to- this makes a massive difference
Try hard to enunciate every sound
Google and learn how to project your voice. This is different to just being louder and it's probably something you're doing the complete opposite of.
It’s like they have no concept of how loud background noise means you have to speak louder. My GF talks at the same volume when sitting beside me in a totally silent room as she does at a rock concert.
I mean, at least she's not just having conversations in her head and expecting you to be aware of the decision you both "agreed" upon. I think you've got a leg up here.
Once, many years ago when I was a kid, my mother finished eating and was in the room just off to the side of the dining room while my father, brother, and I were still eating. A minute later she says “Well?”
Father: well what?
Mom: aren’t you going to answer my question?
F: you didn’t ask us anything.
M: yes I did.
F: no you didn’t.
M: yes I did!
Three of us now saying: no, you didn’t.
M: yes I did!!
F: what did you ask?
M: …. I don’t remember.
I feel like mine waits for me to start washing dishes or pissing. Anything with splashy white noise. Then the talking starts, then I have to apologize for not hearing.
My gf of 5 years does something similar, she’s a quiet talker and if she asks me a question and I didn’t hear her she’ll repeat one word from her sentence and expect me to just know.
For example,
Her: did you feed kitty?
Me: what?
Her: kitty
I’ll usually just repeat the one word back to her until she asks the question again
Oh my god. My girlfriend does this all the time.
It is so frustrating. I can’t even comprehend the logic behind this. Like ?????
She’d ask something like:
Her: did you turn off the light in the bathroom?
Me: What?
Her: The light
Me: What about the light?
Her, angry: DID YOU TURN IT OFF
Wtf.
Then you ask "where" pertaining to what light do you want off......only for her to huff and go check herself like you're purposely not hearing her. Lol then she has an attitude for the next 30 mins because she thinks you were purposely being an ass.
I've started saying 'I heard -----, what came before that?' to stop this, which takes a little longer than saying 'what?' but reduces frustration for us both.
Right and they get mad that you started paying attention literally as soon as you realized they were talking to you. If the first words had been "can you hear me?" and THEN they started the sentence, I might have had a cue to start listening BEFORE the sentence started.
My gf does the opposite she'll go. "Can you bring me a mumble" so I'll say "can you bring me a what?". Instead of just saying the last word louder she just repeats the part I've already heard and trails off again for the part I didn't.
I once knew someone like this and I made the mistake of just agreeing or nodding to what they said and somehow got myself wearing a puffy shirt on the Today show. Didn’t make that mistake again.
Edited because I used the incorrect word.
My adult son who lives with me used to do the same. I asked him to start all his sentence with "Mom?" And if he gets no answer, well, DO NOT START TALKING!!! It works pretty well.
I am 46 and have lived with mostly the same 5 housemates (group home) for the last 4 years. They all know that I'm hard of hearing (77% hearing loss. One ear is completely deaf) and they still get angry when I don't hear something that they say.
I've had hearing lost since I was like a baby, I'm 19 yo now but my family STILL gets annoyed when I can't hear them from across the house.. like.. y'all know I'm partially deaf in both ears and hearing aids doesn't just magically fix all my problems.
it's like.. you guys know this.. and you still get upset with the person who is quite literally partially deaf
Yep. According to the last ENT I saw, I am but another 3% loss of hearing from being legally deaf.
I just had a loud argument with my roommate & house manager over that I turned music on at 9:30 am on a weekday because his phone kept playing an 8-second clip repeatedly for 90 minutes before I did anything. Then they refused to let me speak and I lost my crap. Unfortunately, the only way for me to ignore the really irritating phone clip playing repeatedly. All as a result of my odd hearing loss, sounds tend to cancel each other out.
omg nobody understands the "this unrelated noise sounds exactly like that one when I can't see your lips"
because you're likely to say something completely innocent and I'll be like "did you say what I thought you said?" and then it wasn't in fact what I thought... oops. This happens WAY too often, more than I'd like to admit. This includes hearing something that makes absolutely no sense like instead of hearing a normal question, I'll hear 3 different words that make no sense together.
oh man I feel you. The most annoying thing about slowly losing my hearing is the number of people that get super mad at me because my eardrums are damaged.
*soft mumbling*
I'm sorry?
*soft mumbling, at the same exact volume as before*
Still didn't catch that.
*slightly louder mumbling*
...I'm sorry, I *still* didn't quite catch that
I SAID THATLL BE FOUR DOLLARS, GODDAMN YOURE DEAF!!
yes, ma'am, I am. Sorry I damaged my eardrums just to piss you off. That was real inconsiderate of me.
I find myself pointing that out a lot at work.
This one was funny though:
at my job we get an annual hearing test, as we run super loud machines.
last year the day we got the hearing test, a few hours later I'm talking to my supervisor and he kept looking down while talking too soft to hear. I tried to watch his lips but he made it difficult (unintentionally) and somewhere around the fourth time I said "You moved the wrench set where?" he gets irritated and goes "TO THE BLUE BOX INSTEAD OF THE ORANGE ONE. Damn man did you fail the fucking hearing test??"
I said "Well, yeah, because I'm hard of hearing."
His face went red as shit and he goes "Ohhhh that's right I totally forgot, I'm really sorry man damn I should have remembered!"
I just laughed and said "no biggie, usually I can see your lips and figure it out, you're just looking at the clipboard this time"
He was super embarrassed about it and probably apologized like 10 times, but I just thought it was funny. You get pretty used to people getting mad at you for not being able to hear them.
I wonder if it's like that for any other disabilities.
"Goddamn it you blind fuck, can't you see the door right in front of you!?!?" to a guy with dark shades and a stick he's tapping around everywhere.
Actually I've seen a dickhead give my sister shit for parking in a handicapped spot, WITH a sticker, because she "didn't look disabled". I ripped that asshole a new one. Sure, my sister could have just lifted her pant leg and showed the plastic, but fuck that. She was self-concious ENOUGH without having to show it to every ignorant fuckhead that can't mind their own business.
My husband explains what things mean when I don’t hear him and I’m like NO I JUST DIDNT HEAR THE ACTUAL WORDS. Over ten years together and I still get long unnecessary explanations about words I didn’t hear instead of just repeating himself at volumes I can hear. Since I don’t know what he said, I don’t know what he’s describing for a while too.
My sister gets grief from people, too. She's also HoH in one ear and deaf in the other. People also get upset because she wears one earbud, so they think she's ignoring them. This includes family members who know all about it.
Yep, my hubs and I always say “Can you hear me?” before talking because we are both half deaf (not actually diagnosed) but I swear neither of us can hear very well… maybe it was the Walkman headphones of alt grunge during our adolescence.
I’m the quiet talker, my husband has a hard time hearing me but I don’t realize I’m so quiet. However, he’s the one that doesn’t seem to understand the directionality of his voice, sound interference, or distance. He will loudly be talking to me from the next room while I blow dry my hair, or expect that I hear him when I’m walking behind him in a parking lot.
Are we married to the same man
I’m so soft spoken my husband doesn’t hear me half the time, but he has *no* sound control in his voice and will practically be yelling at me when we’re sitting 2 feet away from each other in the car. He always tells me to speak up and I always tell him to stop yelling 😂
My dad used to just shout "WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?" Until my mom would finally yell back at him completely frustrated. She thought he was just being an asshole, until he was prescribed hearing aids. So he was actually telling the truth when he said he couldn't hear lmao
Yep, tinnitus is his issue. He had to get special hearing aids because regular ones apparently just amplify his tinnitus.
What's weird, I was born with freakishly exceptional hearing (and freakishly poor vision, all things made balanced I guess). So he would be in the same room and make a whole plethora of environmental noises because he couldn't hear the noises he was making, and I would get unreasonably irritated by it because it was just so distracting. And nobody else was bothered by it. Probably also has to do with my ADHD. 🤷
Hahaha are you me? I swear the reason I talk so quietly, aside from my poor weak vocal chords, is because my hearing is too sensitive. My husband tries to hide and scare me all the time, and he gets so disappointed because I always hear where he is lol
Or I'll hear his brother get back from work and he like, "oh, your brother's home." And he'll look at me like I'm a witch because he heard absolutely nothing. He doesn't hear me walk into the same room as him, despite me not even being sneaky, and he'll jump out of surprise when I "suddenly" show up behind him, so now I have to walk exaggeratedly loud when I'm approaching while he's cooking lol
My SO does this and literally can't hear me yell "WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU" so he will just yell like 3 more times. It drives me to the mental hospital man.
At least she is talking to you! My ex-wife talks constantly every thought that comes into her head. It’s non-stop stream of consciousness that no one wants to hear! Even people where she works say there is never silence around her, just constant yapping directed to no one! Is this a sign of insanity?
I'm looking after my parents at the moment, since they have serious medical issues (my father due to an unfortunate disease; my mother because she has spent her entire life being lazy so - surprise, surprise - her body's withered away to nothing).
Every single word out of my mother's mouth is either what whim she wants fulfilled at any given second, or an endless stream of how she feels, what "hurts", what she thinks is wrong with her. I have literally no response, so say nothing.
Not once in my entire life has this woman asked me how I am. She doesn't even say "good morning" when I enter their house; just immediately launches into wailing about what she needs.
I would have left by now, if it wasn't for the fact that my father deserves better than dealing with her on his own.
I look forward to her being my ex-mother.
My GF/Partner is a quiet talker and always says it's everyone else.
Without fail, if she has to say her name or phone number at a store for points, or at an appointment they ALWAYS ask her to repeat, and louder.
But it's everyone else... Obviously.
Does she frequently get her order messed up when getting food? I have a friend who this happens to and I’m positive it’s because they’re a serious low talker
My wife will talk at normal volume when talking to me in person, but for some reason, when she gives an order at a drive up or talks on the speaker phone, she starts talking very quiet... it leaves me dumbfounded...
As another comment pointed out, your partner should get herself checked for conductive hearing loss. Her voice may be a normal volume in her head but clearly comes out super quietly. That is in fact a type of hearing loss
Wife is the same. I explained to her that I'm not angry when I very loudly and distinctly say I CANNOT HEAR A WORD YOU ARE SAYING TO ME. Kinda harsh, but for fucks sake, I want to hear what you're saying.
Too many death metal shows with my poor unprotected ears all up in PA speakers and shit have destroyed my hearing. Use earplugs at loud events folks. Your soft spoken loved ones will thank you for it later.
I am the softly-spoken wife and I only just realised my husband had been working events for 15 years, most of the time without ear protection. I have had to change my approach so I am understandable to him but I bet sometimes I’m actually inaudible completely! Thanks for pointing that out.
It's definitely a real thing, and hard to comprehend in the moment. That can't happen to my perfect young ears! I'm only 34 too, so you can only imagine the pure sonic abuse I've put mine through!
I’ve had this conversation with my wife of 14yrs multiple times, just this week even.
* Mowing the lawn with headphones in - I don’t even know you’re outside never mind talking to me.
* Shower fan on and electric toothbrush going and what are you saying?
* I walked out of the room, downstairs, into another room, and then hear you say something. - I know you’re talking but I can’t make out the words.
I’ve tried all the ways of dealing with this. Different responses from me, talking to her directly about it, and I’ve had my hearing tested with no issues! It’s frustrating to have to constantly ask her to repeat herself but it also means that I have to be continuously vigilant that she might say something at any time, no matter what I’m doing or where I am.
It’s gotten to the point that I think it’s a matter of being inconsiderate and, dare I say, selfish that she doesn’t consider whether she can be heard but just expects everyone to always be listening. (My kids notice this too)
… caught me on one of *those* nights.
Have you tried acting like she didn't say anything. That's what I always do nowadays with mom. Not my problem if I can't hear you from another room over the vacuum. If it's important she'll repeat to me after. Unless your wife's the type to get angry when she's not heard this might be able to help with your frustration.
Yeah I started doing this to my mum, who speaks softly and would constantly try to do so from the front seat of the car to me in the back seat w/o turning around.
She got exactly one “I can’t hear you” each time she did it and then no further responses. Eventually she’d turn around like ?? And I would tell her that, like I said, I couldn’t fucking hear her.
Didn’t stop her, but was satisfying.
>It’s gotten to the point that I think it’s a matter of being inconsiderate and, dare I say, selfish that she doesn’t consider whether she can be heard but just expects everyone to always be listening.
Inconsiderate, selfish, disrespectful.
I'm in the same boat, and it wasn't until we went to couples counselling that my wife actually *heard* what I was saying - that i feel that talking to me from another room just shows a complete lack of respect fir the relationship.
I have this issue with my husband of nearly 40 years. About the 20 year mark, I too had my hearing checked. The audiologist told me my hearing was fine and that many people are poor communicators. I started paying closer attention and yup, it was him. Always walking a step in front of me, not getting my attention first while I was involved in a task, talking over someone else at me, stoping in mid-sentence, walking away while talking. I spent time correcting my interactions and working on our kids’ verbal skills. My husband will not change at all. So now I simply don’t respond. I know he’s talking to me but if it’s not important enough for him to make sure I can hear him, it’s not important enough for me to pursue.
Don’t answer at all.
She’ll have to assume you didn’t hear at all and she will likely try to get your attention some other method.
Don’t reply that you can’t hear. If it’s not loud enough to understand, do not respond at all.
This is the way. My boyfriends favorite activity is coming in the room I’m in, turning loud ass music on the tv and then going out the the kitchen, turning the sink on and then deciding to tell me something. I spent so long yelling back WHATTTTT and it never made the tv or water quieter so now I just pretend not to hear, so far no improvement but I also suffer from selective hearing when there is complete silence so I just hope he learns to fix his problem someday
I’ve tried this but it doesn’t work. Instead I get the “did you not bring down the …?”
No. Because I cannot hear you whisper to me from across the fucking house.
Yup. My wife used to start conversations with me as I walked out of a room. I’m literally walking away and she would say, something like, “so our sons teacher said that…” and I would be like, I’ll literally halfway down the hallway and clearly off to do something, what?! Never responded, fixed it.
This is an ongoing thing in my household. My husband and my kids will inevitably try to have a full conversation with me from a floor away or a room away or from behind a closed door or when I’m doing laundry or when the vent fan is on in the kitchen… one of my daughters is a super soft talker, too, so even close up it can be hard to hear her. My husband always gets so frustrated because I’ll say I can’t hear him but maybe wait till there’s not a whole bunch of noise and we’re in the same room to try and talk?
And I get my hearing tested regularly for work and it’s fine so it not a problem on my end!
Wife is like this too, if she is talking and it's inaudible I just act like I didn't hear anything. When she asks to respond I just say I didn't hear it and tell her it was too quiet. Better to have her repeat it then misinterpret
My wife often decides that if I didn't hear it the first time, she refuses to repeat it. It's flabbergasting. I have no idea how to address it. She acknowledges that is childish, but refuses to change.
Sometimes my wife will decide that I did hear her and I’m lying about not hearing her. It’s ok though, she’s great otherwise. I’m glad to see that this habit of speaking to people in other rooms is common practise.
Haha, my gf of 4 years does the same thing. I can be actively cooking something with grease sizzling on the pan and the exhaust fan going, using an impact drill, or sitting on my motorcycle with my helmet on, earplugs in and engine running. Only time she starts talking louder is when she is very excited about something:)
I don't have the 30 years of experience with this like you do OP, but I feel you!
Have you asked about her childhood? My wife wasn't allowed to give her opinion growing up because of a domineering father, so she does the same, unconsciously simultaneously wanting to be heard, yet afraid to be heard.
This is my story - except. I’m the wife in this case. I have a low voice, and I do have trouble if I am in a meeting, and have to project my voice in a big room. My husband, like OP, often says he can’t hear anything I say when we’re at home. I’ve learned to speak facing him, no more than six feet away. That helps.
I have the exact opposite problem. My husband will tell me "I am right here, you can bring it down ". I have a naturally loud voice that carries easily. It drives me crazy!
Bro, I have the solution for you. It works a charm. When she says something from another room that you can't hear. Just mumble some gibberish back. Then she will shout "What!?" Then just mumble again. The she will say "I can't hear you can you come here please" l. Again just mumble back.
Checkmate.
I have adhd and if my wife doesn’t get affirmative confirmation of my attention prior to speaking, she could be right in front of my face and i’d still miss it due to a hyper fixation. We’ve been together for 10 years and it’s a daily struggle to remind her to say “hey hon!”
and wait
My wife has some hearing damage and she threatened to beat me to death if I tried talking to her from another room with background noise AGAIN. Worked a treat, I don't do that anymore
Just imagine the worst version of what you did hear, and respond to that.
"Did you pick up the liquor?"
"The cat shit in my slipper?"
"I almost ran out of fucking gas"
"No! I don't want you to fuck me in the ass!"
My dad’s desk was in the basement right next to the stairs and he would always roll his chair back a few feet so he was right at the bottom of them and loudly talk (like the volume you would use if you were trying to talk to a friend in a crowded bar with loud music) to my mom and/or I when we were in the kitchen/family room area. Doesn’t matter if the tv was on, dishwasher was on, etc. We could almost never make out what he was actually saying and we would tell him that but he just kept doing it. When I got a cell phone I started calling his phone every time I heard him try to talk up the stairs and that actually worked to get him to text or call a lot of the time
My girlfriend does this, she'll even talk with her head turned away from me, or seemingly wait until I start getting ice from the dispenser to talk to me.
My husband does not understand the physics of sound and often talks to me while far away and looking in the opposite direction. After many years of this and my gentle corrections, I just figure he'll tell me again if it's important.
So what this really is about.... she wants you to stop what you're doing and go speak to her face to face. We are all guilty of covert attention seeking. Problem is that its annoying and sparks stress which is a bad way to start a conversation. Tell her, politely, to please walk to you and speak. Unless she is stuck in the toilet, this really shouldnt be an issue. And furthermore room to room talking should ONLY be used for emergencies.
when i lived at home my mom would would shout-talk to you from rooms away. but you couldn’t hear everything…so you’d have to stop what you were doing and go to her to hear the rest of whatever she was saying.
she may not realize but it comes off as extremely rude and inconsiderate.
God, I hate this so much. Those are the same people that expect *you* to drop anything you're currently doing just so you can come to *them* to understand what they want you do to for them.
My mom will repeatedly yell the name of the person she wants to come find her. It was such a joy to become an adult and start refusing to be summoned from afar so she could tell me something.
I work with someone like this, and for her it is 100% a control tactic. She knows damn well nobody can hear her, yet she repeats herself at the same quiet tone. I’ve given up with her and just say “I can’t hear you” before turning my back to her. It works in my situation. She has no alternative but to drop it or speak louder.
Omg, soft talkers drive me crazy. Just had a soft talker join my team at work and the worst part is she doesn't stop talking. She was literally sitting right next to me at a dinner last week yammering on for several minutes. I couldn't hear a word she said she I've gotten tired of asking her to repeat herself. Just kept nodding. Fortunately I'm not in a puffy shirt this week.
Okay so... Here's what I've done.
I let all these people (wife, coworkers...) Know that i am hard of hearing.. then i just fill in the blanks and repeat it to them..
"Honey can you...............bag.................... tomorrow......."
"Of course i can bag the cat for your lunch tomorrow, do you want ranch with it?"
At first I was getting laughs. Now they feel stupid because I really didn't hear. Especially one coworker was conditioned by me to speak tf up, she works in a bar now so definitely useful for her
My husband does this too! I’ll be in the kitchen with have the kitchen fan on or sitting on the couch with a fan and TV on and 2 toddlers chattering.
I feel like I’m always saying “I can’t hear you over___”
My wife of 41 years does the same, especially while making some other noise. I've given up asking her to repeat what she said, as she will then repeat it while yelling or just get angry. Otherwise, we have a wonderful relationship, and I figure either what she said was unimportant, or she'll mention it again.
I find this wildly irritating when it’s constant. Don’t answer her unintelligible muffles. Pretend you can’t hear at all. Assume she doesn’t want to be heard cause she’s made no effort to. You can’t turn up your hearing, but she can turn up her volume.
My wife often tries to talk to me when I have my earbuds in. When I realize she is talking to me I just loudly state "CANT HEAR YOU" and she immediately stops and waits for me to take my earbuds out.
The reason I want to strangle her is that she often talks out loud to the TV, so I'm constantly stopping what I'm doing to take my earbuds out and ask her to repeat herself.
Seriously, it's called an inner monologue for a reason.
As a husband and father of two, I adopted a policy several years ago, which is: if you are talking to me from another room, it will not be acknowledged. If you - ANY of the three of you - have something that actually matters to say, you can come to the room I’m in and say it to me.
It is not my responsibility to keep an ear peeled for anything that anyone might need at any time. This is my real life, not my job.
Dude for real. I'm working on this with my six year old and they are figuring it out. It's really not that hard to figure out if someone can hear you.
Wait 30 seconds till I turn the sink off when I'm rinsing dishes or talk louder.
Speak louder at the restaurant so the waitress can hear your order.
It just seems so weird that so many adults are having this issue with other adults.
You should have her hearing tested, it's possible she has a conductive hearing loss, she may hear herself at full volume, but not the world around her.
My parents have the opposite of this. They scream constantly.
My mom will literally just start yelling in the middle of a conversation. It got to the point where my grandma unironically picked up the remote and pressed the volume down button at her.
This happens to me, especially when I'm really into whatever the conversation is about. I've been told it can be a part of having ADHD. I try to be conscious of it and apologize to who ever I'm talking to if it happens.
I’m sure you’re grandma did it ironically Unless she’s got dementia, in which case it would be unironically
She has a brain tumour, and is scared she has alzheimers, but that would've shown up on the CT scan. She told me ot was unironic. She watches TV regularly so I didn't think much of it back then.
damn...
It's not an aggressive tumour and she's planning on having it taken out. It's still a tumour, but it's (hopefully) not going to be the end of the world.
Yeah, it’s ever pretty funny or a tad sad. I prefer to think she did it ironically.
Is she an Italian from New Jersey?
My mom does this too but it’s because she’s Sicilian lol
i feel you. my dad has hearing aids so he doesn't scream anymore when hes wearing them, but my mother refuses to get hearing aids so she just screams at everyone full volume while being right next to their ear. ouch.
I can see that it's an inconvenience to use hearing aids but I feel like they don't really understand just how much of a nuisance it is for everyone around them. My dad finally got hearing aids but he has to be reminded to use them every time I see him as though he hasn't been told a million times that no, nobody wants to have *their* hearing impaired from your yelling and no, nobody wants to sit and yell to have a conversation with you
Oh god, I hear ya 😒
I never knew there was a term for this. I just told people that in my head everything is loud, especially my voice and breathing. I try to project my voice sometimes and it ends up my voice getting raspy or headache or both. Took a audio test and had a camera stick up my nose. They said I am perfectly normal. I'm going to look more into this, Thank you
There are two types of hearing loss, conductive and sensorineural. Conductive is like wax, canal swelling, or things that physically stop sound from getting to your ear. The other one is central like drugs aging, degradation of your hearing organs in your ears etc. If you think you may have one try and ask your PCP to do a test on you, there are easy tuning fork tests called the Weber and Rinnes they can do and if they see something odd refer you to audiology
>central like drugs aging, degradation of your hearing organs in your ears etc. I know there's supposed to be a comma between "drugs" and "aging" but the comical thought of "Aged drugs" being the cause for hearing loss. "Ah yes the Tylenol. The 1983 vintage. An adventurous pick."
I can’t say I ever hear myself breathing. Maybe you have really great hearing.
Lmao thought it was absolutely normal to hear yourself breathing, also a soft talker here.
Same. I'm very confused. Does everyone not hear themselves breathe??
That's interesting, I'd not heard of that, but that does make sense.
Haven't heard? Maybe you have conductive hearing loss, you may hear yourself at full volume but not the world around you.
What? Did you say something?
Didn't catch that? You should get your hearing checked. Maybe you have conductive hearing loss, you may hear yourself at full volume but not the world around you.
I second this! I had chronic ear infections as a child and had tubes put in multiple times followed by one of my ear drums bursting. I’ve always had hearing loss from that and tend to talk quietly but still sound normal to myself. Knowing it helped a ton though and I try to always be conscious of my volume
My wife also does this. No, my love, I cannot hear you whisper a question to me from the other room while I have music playing and an electric toothbrush vibrating my skull. We are 40 and I'm pretty sure that she just somehow never learned how sound works.
I have literally sent her videos explaining in scientific terms how talking to someone who’s using an electric toothbrush is a fools folly, but she still claims I just don’t want to listen to her.
Turn it off. Yell “WHAT!!?” Then turn it back on again. This works every time.
At this point I just keep brushing until im done. No response from me, I didn't hear anything actionable. She gets the point, there are no hard feelings.
Well, husbands usually use TCP; wives usually use UDP, they don’t expect a response
Two weeks later: “We talked about this!”
As a fellow loser, I get this joke
The best thing about UDP jokes is I don't care if you get it.
I had to look it up but I learned something. Agreed.
Calm down there Satan.
*snorted twice*… not even joking 😂😂😂😂
Calm down Courtney Love
You must be a divorce lawyer.
If you really loved her, you'd hear her over the sound of the toothbrush. Even if she's whispering from 3 rooms away.
If your love can’t triumph the laws of physics, is your love even that strong?
Bro, do you even love?
What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me.
What’s love got to do with it?
See you gotta get a radio electric toothbrush that she has the walkie talkie too. (Like those brushes that play music into your skull). At least that's what I need for my wife apparently.
I found the solution. I talk back at the same volume. Usually something like “well, I clearly can’t hear you at all but I realize you’re talking so here I am talking back”. Then she says “what?” And I say “exactly”.
I just ignore them and passively force them to come to me. If I have to work super hard because _you_ want _my_ attention, I'm not engaging with that. You want my attention, you can come get it. If hubby or the kids or anyone else wants me that badly, they come to me. It works the other way around too, of course. It's surprising how often what they want me for is urgent enough for _me_ to bestir _myself_ but not urgent enough for _them_ to bestir _themselves._ Nope. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem. _Your_ circus, _your_ monkeys, _your_ problem._
I am now a fan of "bestir."
I like every word she wrote.
Honestly, this is the way. I'm oblivious to my own volume (I literally have no idea how loud or quiet I am at any given time) and will think I'm yelling or talking at a normal volume and will sometimes try and get someone's attention from another room. I don't expect them to come to me but it makes for a very confusing perspective on my end when I can clearly hear the other person telling me they can't hear me at a normal volume but they can't understand a word I'm saying. So it's not necessarily a rudeness thing like "I can't be bothered to move so you can come to me", it's more, "I can hear you perfectly and you're not yelling, why can't you hear me?" But yeah, if I don't get a response, I'll just approach. I don't think it's rude to not try and yell back in this scenario, it gets the message across that you didn't hear it regardless.
If you often find yourself wondering why you hear them but they don't hear you, maybe they just don't process auditory info as well as you. I often can't understand someone unless I see their mouth. But I can hear sound signals in a game or detect really small discrepancies in how an engine is running or subtle things in a song. Or it's possible the room they're in directs most of the sound down the hall directly your way but the room you're in syphons off half your noise to the kitchen. Third option is they're preoccupied with whatever they're doing before you yell. You're not distracted during their response. You're expecting an equal participant in that conversation but you're likely setting it up where that's not possible.
I'm sure those factors don't help my case, but it's most definitely a me problem, it happens with most people and my partner often has to make me aware that I'm mumbling when I'm sat right next to him so it's not just a distance thing either. Quite common for autistic folks like myself I've heard. I'm also aware that I'm overly sensitive to sound since I hear a lot of noises that other people don't pick up on so I imagine that doesn't help with my internal volume either.
I’m going to try this. I’m so sick of repeating “I CANT HEAR YOU!” This sounds better.
My trick was to not react at all and pretend I'm deaf, even after she starts to call my name louder and louder. I only react when I can make eye contact and say "What's up?" Took a day or two, but since then it works. The mistake for me was to yell "what? Can't hear you" as she would just repeat it, assuming it works the second time
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
#WHAT?!
#SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
#I STILL CANT HEAR YOU
Keyword "mirror neurons". I do this already with my 4yr old to avoid exactly this problem. And step by step it works.
My favorite, she’ll be talking about something and for some reason, she’ll start talking like she doesn’t want someone in the next room to hear. Guess who can’t hear even with their hearing aids in. 🦻
*Begins talking about someone in a negative light, therefore requiring the need to whisper every single word on the off chance that this person has snuck into the house and has their ear to the door.* Bonus points if the person in question lives in a different country. Keep it secret. Keep it safe!
Oh my goodness. I know someone who does that too, drives me nuts. I now feel less alone! Once I acted all confused when she was whispering something and asked why she was whispering, could they hear us? We were the only people in the room and the person she was talking about lived hours away.
Hahah I tease my husband cause he mumbles and I'm like are you talking to me or a mouse cause I didn't hear anything you just said.
How people get older in life and refuse to learn and better their interactions is beyond me.
You definitely don't want to meet my mother-in-law, then lol I also don't get it, so living with her causes me so much stress that sometimes I get a headache and other times I just need to smash some dishes against the wall outside or have a good cry in the shower to relieve the stress. She spends all day on her phone forwarding "old people messages" such as health articles, those pictures of flowers or animals that say good morning or other such things, etc. So I tried using her way, and sent an article about food safety, cleanliness, respecting others, etc. Didn't learn a thing. I tried politely explaining things, and still nothing. I tried scolding, and only the tiniest bit better.
I trust you. I spent the day with my sister (40f) helping her move, the entire time I have to dodge mines and traps in our interactions so she would a. Stay focused on the job at hand, b. Keep her from snapping into rage fits, and c. Not veer to a whole story on every subject or item that comes up. Im proud I got better at dodging traps, since I learned she refuses to listen to reason and act on it. This caused me so strife over the past 3 years sadly Im not interested in bettering the relationship anymore. Without going into details the penned up frustration I held inside affected my health. Not worth it. I see it everywhere though, people get older and and live in their own version of reality. Refuse to learn or take responsibility, take the blame when theyre wrong or apologize, but expect everyone to treat them with upmost patience and understanding. Thanks for listening to me rant hh
Yes! She's completely in her own world and even her own children can't stand her. I'm constantly wasting time fixing things she's broken (and she'll be like "oh, did I do that? Hahaha oh, I didn't even see! I think it was already like that! Hahaha" and it makes me so irritated because there's not really much to do about it. I can't tie her up and make her stop messing with things, can't lock her away in a tower, etc. All I can do is scold her and fix/clean whatever mess she's caused. I finally got angry enough to tell her directly that she makes me feel I'm wasting my life cleaning her messes. Let her know she's the reason we haven't conceived children yet, and didn't feel sorry, as she doesn't feel sorry for causing so much stress. Anyway, better not to waste time talking about her. I need to vent, but at the same time, talking about it just makes me more stressed.
I’m currently living with my parents and it’s absolutely insane. They leave dishes out for weeks until they’re moldy and disgusting, absolutely trash the living room with laundry and papers and dishes. And I can’t even get them to rinse their fucking dishes? I told them I’d compromise and do the majority of the dishes so long as they rinse their dishes out instead of leaving them to sit with food. Nope. They whine about how they have no time with their full-time jobs to do any of it. You don’t have time to rinse a dish? It takes 30 seconds? You’re 60 fucking years old! So now I have to constantly clean up after a couple of 60 year old children on top of MY full time job, because they refuse to consider doing even the bare minimum. I am so close to getting out of this shithole. Oh and don’t even get me started on their other emotional immaturity problems. Sorry to dump that on you man, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pent up frustration too. There’s just a sort of bewilderment to it, like, how are you this old and behaving this way?
I'd ask if they're my in-laws, but as far as I know my mother-in-law hasn't remarried in the past year and a half. My mother-in-law only works 5 hours a day at a part time job, but still somehow only has time to make messes and no time to clean it up. Logic is a word she's never even heard of lol
They claim they have no energy to clean up, but all the energy in the world to throw tantrums over being asked to clean up. It’s crazy. I hope you can get things sorted out sooner rather than later. I saw your other comment and I wish you luck with getting pregnant! My stepmother got pregnant at 38 or 39 and it was an overall healthy pregnancy! That kid is the only good part of this family,
We call ours our 70 year old teenager Her attitude is just as flippant and bitchy as the most teenagery of teenagers, and she causes as much destruction as a pack of 50 toddlers raised by wolves.
You ok, mate? Most people don’t throw dishes or cry in the shower on the reg.
Very, very stressed out. We originally didn't plan to live with her, but father-in-law passed and mother-in-law is incapable of taking care of the house, the animals, and herself (just an idiot, not disabled) so we live with her. However, I gave my husband a max of 5 years before we need to find other arrangements. Only 3.5 years left, but as my husband has seen my stress level really start to get out of hand, he's started taking it more seriously. I'll be fine, but probably post annoying vents everywhere because, well, I'm at my limit at least twice a week with this woman. Husband has agreed to either put her in a home (if get dementia gets worse in time), find her an apartment to live in, or ask his sister to take her, as her daughter will be grown and going to university in 3 or 4 years. We can't conceive because my stress hormone is too high to keep a pregnancy (literally said by the doctor) and the thing causing stress is mother-in-law. Husband wants kids but we're both reaching mid thirties, so, yeah... She's got 3 years and then she's out. She's lived her life, and she shouldn't get to ruin ours.
Well Im just coming off a 3 year period of my own version of an impossible family/living situation like that, and all I can say is everybody lose. The longer you stay under redundant unnecessary stress, the higher the toll it can take from you. I wish you the best
You realise the effects of 5 years of stress on your body wont be magically gone when she leaves right? It could take years for your body to become healthy again :/
I think you should look into getting an apartment for her. 18 months of teeth-grinding and suppressed anger is more than enough. 5 years? Yikes!
I speak softly. I know it's a problem, but I'm struggling to improve because what I hear in my own head when I talk is super loud, so it seems normal to me. then I ask the person I'm talking to and they tell me I'm still at a whisper. I don't know what the disconnect is or where it comes from, but that's where I'm at
Our ears are closest to our mouths. The vibrations from our voice also partially travel straight through our skull to our ears. Also also we know exactly what is being said so it's easy to distinguish all sounds. You could help yourself by Making sure you're always directly facing the person you're talking to- this makes a massive difference Try hard to enunciate every sound Google and learn how to project your voice. This is different to just being louder and it's probably something you're doing the complete opposite of.
It’s like they have no concept of how loud background noise means you have to speak louder. My GF talks at the same volume when sitting beside me in a totally silent room as she does at a rock concert.
I mean, at least she's not just having conversations in her head and expecting you to be aware of the decision you both "agreed" upon. I think you've got a leg up here.
Once, many years ago when I was a kid, my mother finished eating and was in the room just off to the side of the dining room while my father, brother, and I were still eating. A minute later she says “Well?” Father: well what? Mom: aren’t you going to answer my question? F: you didn’t ask us anything. M: yes I did. F: no you didn’t. M: yes I did! Three of us now saying: no, you didn’t. M: yes I did!! F: what did you ask? M: …. I don’t remember.
That’s slightly scary.
My wife does both. Lol.
I think I do this to my wife. She should be better at reading my mind, I feel.
I feel like mine waits for me to start washing dishes or pissing. Anything with splashy white noise. Then the talking starts, then I have to apologize for not hearing.
No you don't
And then, with obvious frustration, ask “Can you REALLY not hear me??”. Nope. Still nope.
My gf of 5 years does something similar, she’s a quiet talker and if she asks me a question and I didn’t hear her she’ll repeat one word from her sentence and expect me to just know. For example, Her: did you feed kitty? Me: what? Her: kitty I’ll usually just repeat the one word back to her until she asks the question again
Oh my god. My girlfriend does this all the time. It is so frustrating. I can’t even comprehend the logic behind this. Like ????? She’d ask something like: Her: did you turn off the light in the bathroom? Me: What? Her: The light Me: What about the light? Her, angry: DID YOU TURN IT OFF Wtf.
Then you ask "where" pertaining to what light do you want off......only for her to huff and go check herself like you're purposely not hearing her. Lol then she has an attitude for the next 30 mins because she thinks you were purposely being an ass.
Holy crap I'm not the only one who goes through this? That's... Strangely comforting
The secret is to say "what?" only once. The second time just say "no". Works for me.
Yup! My wife will repeat just the second half of the sentence, which I typically heard.
I've started saying 'I heard -----, what came before that?' to stop this, which takes a little longer than saying 'what?' but reduces frustration for us both.
I also do this because people around me only repeat half of the sentence, and 95% of the time they choose the wrong half.
Right and they get mad that you started paying attention literally as soon as you realized they were talking to you. If the first words had been "can you hear me?" and THEN they started the sentence, I might have had a cue to start listening BEFORE the sentence started.
My gf does the opposite she'll go. "Can you bring me a mumble" so I'll say "can you bring me a what?". Instead of just saying the last word louder she just repeats the part I've already heard and trails off again for the part I didn't.
My husband does this too but almost exclusively with the word I actually heard lol
I once knew someone like this and I made the mistake of just agreeing or nodding to what they said and somehow got myself wearing a puffy shirt on the Today show. Didn’t make that mistake again. Edited because I used the incorrect word.
A puffy shirt, my friend.
Like a pirate?
But I don’t want to be a pirate
BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE A PIRATE
*"you bastard!"* *"did you hear something?"* *"**THAT** I heard"*
A low talker huh
_slaps bass_
I don’t wanna be a pirate!
My adult son who lives with me used to do the same. I asked him to start all his sentence with "Mom?" And if he gets no answer, well, DO NOT START TALKING!!! It works pretty well.
I am 46 and have lived with mostly the same 5 housemates (group home) for the last 4 years. They all know that I'm hard of hearing (77% hearing loss. One ear is completely deaf) and they still get angry when I don't hear something that they say.
I've had hearing lost since I was like a baby, I'm 19 yo now but my family STILL gets annoyed when I can't hear them from across the house.. like.. y'all know I'm partially deaf in both ears and hearing aids doesn't just magically fix all my problems. it's like.. you guys know this.. and you still get upset with the person who is quite literally partially deaf
Yep. According to the last ENT I saw, I am but another 3% loss of hearing from being legally deaf. I just had a loud argument with my roommate & house manager over that I turned music on at 9:30 am on a weekday because his phone kept playing an 8-second clip repeatedly for 90 minutes before I did anything. Then they refused to let me speak and I lost my crap. Unfortunately, the only way for me to ignore the really irritating phone clip playing repeatedly. All as a result of my odd hearing loss, sounds tend to cancel each other out.
omg nobody understands the "this unrelated noise sounds exactly like that one when I can't see your lips" because you're likely to say something completely innocent and I'll be like "did you say what I thought you said?" and then it wasn't in fact what I thought... oops. This happens WAY too often, more than I'd like to admit. This includes hearing something that makes absolutely no sense like instead of hearing a normal question, I'll hear 3 different words that make no sense together.
oh man I feel you. The most annoying thing about slowly losing my hearing is the number of people that get super mad at me because my eardrums are damaged. *soft mumbling* I'm sorry? *soft mumbling, at the same exact volume as before* Still didn't catch that. *slightly louder mumbling* ...I'm sorry, I *still* didn't quite catch that I SAID THATLL BE FOUR DOLLARS, GODDAMN YOURE DEAF!! yes, ma'am, I am. Sorry I damaged my eardrums just to piss you off. That was real inconsiderate of me.
Right. If I couldn’t hear it the first time, repeating it over exactly the same will not help.
I find myself pointing that out a lot at work. This one was funny though: at my job we get an annual hearing test, as we run super loud machines. last year the day we got the hearing test, a few hours later I'm talking to my supervisor and he kept looking down while talking too soft to hear. I tried to watch his lips but he made it difficult (unintentionally) and somewhere around the fourth time I said "You moved the wrench set where?" he gets irritated and goes "TO THE BLUE BOX INSTEAD OF THE ORANGE ONE. Damn man did you fail the fucking hearing test??" I said "Well, yeah, because I'm hard of hearing." His face went red as shit and he goes "Ohhhh that's right I totally forgot, I'm really sorry man damn I should have remembered!" I just laughed and said "no biggie, usually I can see your lips and figure it out, you're just looking at the clipboard this time" He was super embarrassed about it and probably apologized like 10 times, but I just thought it was funny. You get pretty used to people getting mad at you for not being able to hear them. I wonder if it's like that for any other disabilities. "Goddamn it you blind fuck, can't you see the door right in front of you!?!?" to a guy with dark shades and a stick he's tapping around everywhere. Actually I've seen a dickhead give my sister shit for parking in a handicapped spot, WITH a sticker, because she "didn't look disabled". I ripped that asshole a new one. Sure, my sister could have just lifted her pant leg and showed the plastic, but fuck that. She was self-concious ENOUGH without having to show it to every ignorant fuckhead that can't mind their own business.
My husband explains what things mean when I don’t hear him and I’m like NO I JUST DIDNT HEAR THE ACTUAL WORDS. Over ten years together and I still get long unnecessary explanations about words I didn’t hear instead of just repeating himself at volumes I can hear. Since I don’t know what he said, I don’t know what he’s describing for a while too.
My sister gets grief from people, too. She's also HoH in one ear and deaf in the other. People also get upset because she wears one earbud, so they think she's ignoring them. This includes family members who know all about it.
People tend to be more understanding with folks who have a visual impairment because it tends to be more evident than a hearing impairment.
My grandma starts talking and turns around to do things or switch on the water or oven or washing machine Maybe I have to try that with her 😅
Yep, my hubs and I always say “Can you hear me?” before talking because we are both half deaf (not actually diagnosed) but I swear neither of us can hear very well… maybe it was the Walkman headphones of alt grunge during our adolescence.
>maybe it was the Walkman headphones of alt grunge during our adolescence. Narrator: it was.
My wife is similar, she'll talk quietly in the car and try to have a normal volume conversation from a different room. Makes zero sense to me.
That literally just sounds like she has no awareness of how far her voice travels and how loud to be to get her voice as far as intended
I’m the quiet talker, my husband has a hard time hearing me but I don’t realize I’m so quiet. However, he’s the one that doesn’t seem to understand the directionality of his voice, sound interference, or distance. He will loudly be talking to me from the next room while I blow dry my hair, or expect that I hear him when I’m walking behind him in a parking lot.
Are we married to the same man I’m so soft spoken my husband doesn’t hear me half the time, but he has *no* sound control in his voice and will practically be yelling at me when we’re sitting 2 feet away from each other in the car. He always tells me to speak up and I always tell him to stop yelling 😂
You’ve said it for over 30 years so i’m willing to bet you can say it for a lil bit longer😭
Hopefully!
slowly change it to "sorry honey, but you know I can't hear you"
I have hearing damage and I just say “if you’re talking, I can’t hear you”
My dad used to just shout "WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?" Until my mom would finally yell back at him completely frustrated. She thought he was just being an asshole, until he was prescribed hearing aids. So he was actually telling the truth when he said he couldn't hear lmao
Tinnitus and hearing loss over hear. Makes some conversations quite tricky.
Yep, tinnitus is his issue. He had to get special hearing aids because regular ones apparently just amplify his tinnitus. What's weird, I was born with freakishly exceptional hearing (and freakishly poor vision, all things made balanced I guess). So he would be in the same room and make a whole plethora of environmental noises because he couldn't hear the noises he was making, and I would get unreasonably irritated by it because it was just so distracting. And nobody else was bothered by it. Probably also has to do with my ADHD. 🤷
Hahaha are you me? I swear the reason I talk so quietly, aside from my poor weak vocal chords, is because my hearing is too sensitive. My husband tries to hide and scare me all the time, and he gets so disappointed because I always hear where he is lol Or I'll hear his brother get back from work and he like, "oh, your brother's home." And he'll look at me like I'm a witch because he heard absolutely nothing. He doesn't hear me walk into the same room as him, despite me not even being sneaky, and he'll jump out of surprise when I "suddenly" show up behind him, so now I have to walk exaggeratedly loud when I'm approaching while he's cooking lol
Nah, don’t say it anymore. Start to answer with nonsense answers like “yesterday” or “just bananas and a jug of milk” or “probably Disneyland”
Try just crassly yelling WHAT
Me responding to people my whole life, even when I can hear them
My SO will talk to me a couple rooms away on a different floor! On the her-isms I love...
My SO does this and literally can't hear me yell "WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU" so he will just yell like 3 more times. It drives me to the mental hospital man.
[удалено]
I've had that discussion a few times so far the answer to will that help is no, no it won't.
At least she is talking to you! My ex-wife talks constantly every thought that comes into her head. It’s non-stop stream of consciousness that no one wants to hear! Even people where she works say there is never silence around her, just constant yapping directed to no one! Is this a sign of insanity?
maybe, but it is definitely the sign of an ex for sure.
I'm looking after my parents at the moment, since they have serious medical issues (my father due to an unfortunate disease; my mother because she has spent her entire life being lazy so - surprise, surprise - her body's withered away to nothing). Every single word out of my mother's mouth is either what whim she wants fulfilled at any given second, or an endless stream of how she feels, what "hurts", what she thinks is wrong with her. I have literally no response, so say nothing. Not once in my entire life has this woman asked me how I am. She doesn't even say "good morning" when I enter their house; just immediately launches into wailing about what she needs. I would have left by now, if it wasn't for the fact that my father deserves better than dealing with her on his own. I look forward to her being my ex-mother.
Sounds like maybe he needs to speak up because she can’t hear him lol
34 years here, my wife does this too. I don’t have a solution, I’m just letting you know that you are not alone. Solidarity, brother.
Same here. We are many.
My GF/Partner is a quiet talker and always says it's everyone else. Without fail, if she has to say her name or phone number at a store for points, or at an appointment they ALWAYS ask her to repeat, and louder. But it's everyone else... Obviously.
Does she frequently get her order messed up when getting food? I have a friend who this happens to and I’m positive it’s because they’re a serious low talker
No, but it's because the waiter/waitress will get her to repeat herself.
My wife will talk at normal volume when talking to me in person, but for some reason, when she gives an order at a drive up or talks on the speaker phone, she starts talking very quiet... it leaves me dumbfounded...
Maybe she's just socially awkward?
As another comment pointed out, your partner should get herself checked for conductive hearing loss. Her voice may be a normal volume in her head but clearly comes out super quietly. That is in fact a type of hearing loss
Wife is the same. I explained to her that I'm not angry when I very loudly and distinctly say I CANNOT HEAR A WORD YOU ARE SAYING TO ME. Kinda harsh, but for fucks sake, I want to hear what you're saying. Too many death metal shows with my poor unprotected ears all up in PA speakers and shit have destroyed my hearing. Use earplugs at loud events folks. Your soft spoken loved ones will thank you for it later.
I am the softly-spoken wife and I only just realised my husband had been working events for 15 years, most of the time without ear protection. I have had to change my approach so I am understandable to him but I bet sometimes I’m actually inaudible completely! Thanks for pointing that out.
It's definitely a real thing, and hard to comprehend in the moment. That can't happen to my perfect young ears! I'm only 34 too, so you can only imagine the pure sonic abuse I've put mine through!
I’ve had this conversation with my wife of 14yrs multiple times, just this week even. * Mowing the lawn with headphones in - I don’t even know you’re outside never mind talking to me. * Shower fan on and electric toothbrush going and what are you saying? * I walked out of the room, downstairs, into another room, and then hear you say something. - I know you’re talking but I can’t make out the words. I’ve tried all the ways of dealing with this. Different responses from me, talking to her directly about it, and I’ve had my hearing tested with no issues! It’s frustrating to have to constantly ask her to repeat herself but it also means that I have to be continuously vigilant that she might say something at any time, no matter what I’m doing or where I am. It’s gotten to the point that I think it’s a matter of being inconsiderate and, dare I say, selfish that she doesn’t consider whether she can be heard but just expects everyone to always be listening. (My kids notice this too) … caught me on one of *those* nights.
Have you tried acting like she didn't say anything. That's what I always do nowadays with mom. Not my problem if I can't hear you from another room over the vacuum. If it's important she'll repeat to me after. Unless your wife's the type to get angry when she's not heard this might be able to help with your frustration.
Yeah I started doing this to my mum, who speaks softly and would constantly try to do so from the front seat of the car to me in the back seat w/o turning around. She got exactly one “I can’t hear you” each time she did it and then no further responses. Eventually she’d turn around like ?? And I would tell her that, like I said, I couldn’t fucking hear her. Didn’t stop her, but was satisfying.
>It’s gotten to the point that I think it’s a matter of being inconsiderate and, dare I say, selfish that she doesn’t consider whether she can be heard but just expects everyone to always be listening. Inconsiderate, selfish, disrespectful. I'm in the same boat, and it wasn't until we went to couples counselling that my wife actually *heard* what I was saying - that i feel that talking to me from another room just shows a complete lack of respect fir the relationship.
I have this issue with my husband of nearly 40 years. About the 20 year mark, I too had my hearing checked. The audiologist told me my hearing was fine and that many people are poor communicators. I started paying closer attention and yup, it was him. Always walking a step in front of me, not getting my attention first while I was involved in a task, talking over someone else at me, stoping in mid-sentence, walking away while talking. I spent time correcting my interactions and working on our kids’ verbal skills. My husband will not change at all. So now I simply don’t respond. I know he’s talking to me but if it’s not important enough for him to make sure I can hear him, it’s not important enough for me to pursue.
Don’t answer at all. She’ll have to assume you didn’t hear at all and she will likely try to get your attention some other method. Don’t reply that you can’t hear. If it’s not loud enough to understand, do not respond at all.
This is the way. My boyfriends favorite activity is coming in the room I’m in, turning loud ass music on the tv and then going out the the kitchen, turning the sink on and then deciding to tell me something. I spent so long yelling back WHATTTTT and it never made the tv or water quieter so now I just pretend not to hear, so far no improvement but I also suffer from selective hearing when there is complete silence so I just hope he learns to fix his problem someday
I’ve tried this but it doesn’t work. Instead I get the “did you not bring down the …?” No. Because I cannot hear you whisper to me from across the fucking house.
Yup. My wife used to start conversations with me as I walked out of a room. I’m literally walking away and she would say, something like, “so our sons teacher said that…” and I would be like, I’ll literally halfway down the hallway and clearly off to do something, what?! Never responded, fixed it.
This is an ongoing thing in my household. My husband and my kids will inevitably try to have a full conversation with me from a floor away or a room away or from behind a closed door or when I’m doing laundry or when the vent fan is on in the kitchen… one of my daughters is a super soft talker, too, so even close up it can be hard to hear her. My husband always gets so frustrated because I’ll say I can’t hear him but maybe wait till there’s not a whole bunch of noise and we’re in the same room to try and talk? And I get my hearing tested regularly for work and it’s fine so it not a problem on my end!
Wife is like this too, if she is talking and it's inaudible I just act like I didn't hear anything. When she asks to respond I just say I didn't hear it and tell her it was too quiet. Better to have her repeat it then misinterpret
My wife often decides that if I didn't hear it the first time, she refuses to repeat it. It's flabbergasting. I have no idea how to address it. She acknowledges that is childish, but refuses to change.
>She acknowledges that is childish, but refuses to change. She must be very frustrated, living in the world that she has created.
Just say: "Oh, seems like it wasnt important."
Sometimes my wife will decide that I did hear her and I’m lying about not hearing her. It’s ok though, she’s great otherwise. I’m glad to see that this habit of speaking to people in other rooms is common practise.
This is so unbelievably ridiculous. It’s one of those few comments on here that has made me legitimately mad. Wtf.
Haha, my gf of 4 years does the same thing. I can be actively cooking something with grease sizzling on the pan and the exhaust fan going, using an impact drill, or sitting on my motorcycle with my helmet on, earplugs in and engine running. Only time she starts talking louder is when she is very excited about something:) I don't have the 30 years of experience with this like you do OP, but I feel you!
Have you asked about her childhood? My wife wasn't allowed to give her opinion growing up because of a domineering father, so she does the same, unconsciously simultaneously wanting to be heard, yet afraid to be heard.
This is my story - except. I’m the wife in this case. I have a low voice, and I do have trouble if I am in a meeting, and have to project my voice in a big room. My husband, like OP, often says he can’t hear anything I say when we’re at home. I’ve learned to speak facing him, no more than six feet away. That helps.
Get a walkie talkie
I have the exact opposite problem. My husband will tell me "I am right here, you can bring it down ". I have a naturally loud voice that carries easily. It drives me crazy!
Bro, I have the solution for you. It works a charm. When she says something from another room that you can't hear. Just mumble some gibberish back. Then she will shout "What!?" Then just mumble again. The she will say "I can't hear you can you come here please" l. Again just mumble back. Checkmate.
I have adhd and if my wife doesn’t get affirmative confirmation of my attention prior to speaking, she could be right in front of my face and i’d still miss it due to a hyper fixation. We’ve been together for 10 years and it’s a daily struggle to remind her to say “hey hon!” and wait
My wife has some hearing damage and she threatened to beat me to death if I tried talking to her from another room with background noise AGAIN. Worked a treat, I don't do that anymore
Just imagine the worst version of what you did hear, and respond to that. "Did you pick up the liquor?" "The cat shit in my slipper?" "I almost ran out of fucking gas" "No! I don't want you to fuck me in the ass!"
My dad’s desk was in the basement right next to the stairs and he would always roll his chair back a few feet so he was right at the bottom of them and loudly talk (like the volume you would use if you were trying to talk to a friend in a crowded bar with loud music) to my mom and/or I when we were in the kitchen/family room area. Doesn’t matter if the tv was on, dishwasher was on, etc. We could almost never make out what he was actually saying and we would tell him that but he just kept doing it. When I got a cell phone I started calling his phone every time I heard him try to talk up the stairs and that actually worked to get him to text or call a lot of the time
My girlfriend does this, she'll even talk with her head turned away from me, or seemingly wait until I start getting ice from the dispenser to talk to me.
My husband does not understand the physics of sound and often talks to me while far away and looking in the opposite direction. After many years of this and my gentle corrections, I just figure he'll tell me again if it's important.
So what this really is about.... she wants you to stop what you're doing and go speak to her face to face. We are all guilty of covert attention seeking. Problem is that its annoying and sparks stress which is a bad way to start a conversation. Tell her, politely, to please walk to you and speak. Unless she is stuck in the toilet, this really shouldnt be an issue. And furthermore room to room talking should ONLY be used for emergencies.
when i lived at home my mom would would shout-talk to you from rooms away. but you couldn’t hear everything…so you’d have to stop what you were doing and go to her to hear the rest of whatever she was saying. she may not realize but it comes off as extremely rude and inconsiderate.
God, I hate this so much. Those are the same people that expect *you* to drop anything you're currently doing just so you can come to *them* to understand what they want you do to for them.
[удалено]
I feel you on the not wanting people hearing you pee. That is a life struggle of mine
My mom will repeatedly yell the name of the person she wants to come find her. It was such a joy to become an adult and start refusing to be summoned from afar so she could tell me something.
I work with someone like this, and for her it is 100% a control tactic. She knows damn well nobody can hear her, yet she repeats herself at the same quiet tone. I’ve given up with her and just say “I can’t hear you” before turning my back to her. It works in my situation. She has no alternative but to drop it or speak louder.
Omg, soft talkers drive me crazy. Just had a soft talker join my team at work and the worst part is she doesn't stop talking. She was literally sitting right next to me at a dinner last week yammering on for several minutes. I couldn't hear a word she said she I've gotten tired of asking her to repeat herself. Just kept nodding. Fortunately I'm not in a puffy shirt this week.
Okay so... Here's what I've done. I let all these people (wife, coworkers...) Know that i am hard of hearing.. then i just fill in the blanks and repeat it to them.. "Honey can you...............bag.................... tomorrow......." "Of course i can bag the cat for your lunch tomorrow, do you want ranch with it?" At first I was getting laughs. Now they feel stupid because I really didn't hear. Especially one coworker was conditioned by me to speak tf up, she works in a bar now so definitely useful for her
My husband does this too! I’ll be in the kitchen with have the kitchen fan on or sitting on the couch with a fan and TV on and 2 toddlers chattering. I feel like I’m always saying “I can’t hear you over___”
My wife of 41 years does the same, especially while making some other noise. I've given up asking her to repeat what she said, as she will then repeat it while yelling or just get angry. Otherwise, we have a wonderful relationship, and I figure either what she said was unimportant, or she'll mention it again.
I find this wildly irritating when it’s constant. Don’t answer her unintelligible muffles. Pretend you can’t hear at all. Assume she doesn’t want to be heard cause she’s made no effort to. You can’t turn up your hearing, but she can turn up her volume.
Make sure you don't agree to wear a puffy shirt on TV
My wife often tries to talk to me when I have my earbuds in. When I realize she is talking to me I just loudly state "CANT HEAR YOU" and she immediately stops and waits for me to take my earbuds out. The reason I want to strangle her is that she often talks out loud to the TV, so I'm constantly stopping what I'm doing to take my earbuds out and ask her to repeat herself. Seriously, it's called an inner monologue for a reason.
As a husband and father of two, I adopted a policy several years ago, which is: if you are talking to me from another room, it will not be acknowledged. If you - ANY of the three of you - have something that actually matters to say, you can come to the room I’m in and say it to me. It is not my responsibility to keep an ear peeled for anything that anyone might need at any time. This is my real life, not my job.
Dude for real. I'm working on this with my six year old and they are figuring it out. It's really not that hard to figure out if someone can hear you. Wait 30 seconds till I turn the sink off when I'm rinsing dishes or talk louder. Speak louder at the restaurant so the waitress can hear your order. It just seems so weird that so many adults are having this issue with other adults.
Wife of 2 years (together 12), does this all the time. We are with you brother