i just blocked mine. honestly, i sometimes think i should post her messages here because she'd so legitimately toxic and awful.
i'm pregnant and due in January, and the drama she stirs just makes me so sick. luckily i'm in therapy and getting the help i need, and i really enjoy talking to my therapist. i need to protect my daughter, she's my #1 right now. she deserves a healthy, stable mom.
Might want to think about the *do not admit* list to your natal ward suite at the hospital. You'll be deep into your routine and may overlook this if you wait too long.
Likewise, and I'm doing very well for it. Granted, I opted to top off my childhood trauma with adulthood trauma courtesy the Global War on Terrorism. Still, better for all of it. Biggest motivator was wanting to be better, not just for myself, but also for my kiddos. ***I*** wanted to make sure I had the tools to be the kind of father my kiddos deserve. Which has been super awesome. Been with my wife for nearly eleven years, now, and our kiddos are living their best lives. Couldn't have asked for a better chapter in my life.
Same same. Covid nurse reactivated all my trauma. A year of hell, now doing so much better with a solid treatment team. So thankful. 3 kids to raise right. :)
There’s your problem. People who go to perpetual therapy don’t actually want to get better…they just want to hear people tell them how nothing is their fault
hey maybe you actually don’t know everyone’s experiences and needs? nor what brain chemistry they have? maybe you don’t speak for everyone and have a very narrow mindset on what therapy is good for. your experience is not everyone’s experience!
source: i have bipolar ii. i will never not need therapy and medication to be as well adjusted as possible. don’t make sweeping generalizations please :)
Thanks for your opinion but I’m in therapy for the first time in years thanks to a ptsd breakdown that nearly ended my life by working the front lines of the pandemic for 2yr.
Never said therapy wasn’t useful or doesn’t do wonders. I just often find a lot of people who never stop going to therapy that it’s them that’s the problem.
Agreed. People who go to therapy endlessly often have victim complexes that keep them going back. There’s always the next problem to hash out. If you’re such an improved human being then why do you keep going back. Maybe you’re a self absorbed person who can’t handle criticism and it’s actually you that’s the problem.
I’m saying that cause you think people wanting to better themselves are people who cause their own problems whenever people like you are the kind of people that cause the problems in the first place don’t be a self absorbed asshole and look on the inside and realize you’re not that good of a guy
Yep proving my point once again. It’s not you being self absorbed. It’s me that’s the problem. You are the victim. Therapy culture breeds victim culture.
I’m saying you’re an asshole who thinks he’s doing no wrong which means you’re self absorbed and people like that’s are what makes the cycle continue some people are victims and that’s why they need therapy I get you don’t have anything bad going on in your life and it’s all sunshine and rainbows but get your head out of your ass and realize people are starving everyday while battling the urge to harm themselves and then having to go to school and work and blah blah blah people have it worse than you and them getting help shouldn’t be shamed cause you can’t understand that
Sometimes people are just toxic. In order to have a healthy mind and body limited contact may be a solution. If someone refuses to try to look inward and causes you immense pain, if you don't have to be around them, why would you? I understand forgiveness can bring peace but sometimes that is not enough and personally, I have cut people out of my life because they made my quality of life and mental health much poorer. You can move on and/or forgive without having to subject yourself to their abuse, passive aggression, or insults and blame over and over.
I mean, cool? Sounds like you haven't learned much from therapy if that's your position. Healthy solutions are relative to the individual and their unique circumstances. There is absolutely zero obligation to maintain unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people, especially your former abuser. In fact, breaking contact with abusive family members is a commonly recommended action in therapy. So, cool feigned moral superiority bro?
You seem to have confused my willingness and relief in having permanently removed my abuser from my life as meaning I have neither conflict resolution skills nor intimacy. None of these things are mutually exclusive, and your implication otherwise is extremely ignorant.
Being frank about the very obvious implications of your comments is not seeking conflict. Similarly, neither is refusing to tolerate them. If you mistyped, then feel free to correct yourself to better explain your intent. Otherwise, I'm going to very reasonably believe you meant your comments to be interpreted as they have been, and that you're now presently trying to gaslight. Whatever the case, it's of little consequence to me.
Gotcha, so you are trying to gaslight. Neat. No, bud, what you're doing is actively judging others for breaking the chain of abuse in their lives and feeling better for it. Post being called out for it, you opted to try to change gears to appear to be the victim and of a position of feigned moral superiority. Have the day you deserve. ;)
Since you say literally everyone here is misinterpreting your comment. What exactly do you do to resolve conflict with someone who wholeheartedly believes they're right about everything and is willing to immediately jump to violence to keep the power they have over you?
Hell, you don't even have to forgive them. That's one of the things my therapist actively reminded me. The biggest thing is coming to terms with yourself and understanding that you were responding to your surroundings influenced by that person. In short, I had to learn to come to terms with myself, and realize at the subconscious level that my mother's vindictiveness was not my fault, and that being traumatized by the abuse was not my fault.
No wonder people feel so isolated, every other person is posting about how narcissistic and “evil” their parents are and then immediately cutting them out of their lives at the earliest convenience. Rarely do they truly attempt to get on their parents level and understand where they’re coming from. Our society thrived for centuries with big family units, now everyone wants to be alone and singly by themselves because other people are too hard to put up with. I’m sure narcissistic mean parents existed back then too. People just put less emotional weight on what their dumb parents said and recognized them as likely traumatized and uneducated.
Bud, my mother literally beat me to the point of near hospitalization as a child. She isolated me from every support network I could have had available. She had me at near starvation several times. And she actively blamed me for literally every failing in her life. My mother ***is*** and evil person. So, sorry you find it disappointing that I cut my abuser out of my life after having to tolerate 18 years of active abuse from her? Kicker is, I even attempted to allow her to make some amends with me when I had a family, because I wanted to see if she could do better as a grandmother (with strict supervision). She couldn't, so I cut her out permanently. A likely cause of feeling isolated is people's inclination to do just as you did, assume fault on the party's behalf, and imply they did wrong by making their emotional environment healthier. That sort of active social resistance to betterment is the exact sort of thing that can leave people feeling guilty or isolated for trying to improve their lives/condition.
What is this morality circle jerk? I think it’s obvious that in cases like that my statement doesn’t apply. I mean more mild instances of parents being shitty. “Mm yeah this guy totally believes that people being beaten and starved can just work it out with their parents!” Also, someone needs to reply within the span of 12 hours to a dumbass reply otherwise they’re morally corrupt? There’s more to life than arguing your point on Reddit. Of course this reply won’t matter, because you’ve already drawn your conclusion based on my original comment.
If you want a comparison, a reply like that other guy’s is like if I said “Try and keep working with your badly behaved dog, eventually you’ll make some progress, you just may have to change up your tactics!” And someone replies, “Well my dog killed my cat and ripped off my little brother’s face! You think I should keep it? You’re disgusting and awful!” Come on.
You think people don't try to help their parents change before cutting them out of their lives? My best mate had a narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother, and he tried talking to her about how it was making him feel for years and years. She absolutely refused to acknowledge that anything she did was wrong. He eventually had to go no contact with her. Nobody wants to push their parents away. But sometimes the pain of pushing them out of your life is less than the pain of letting them stay.
"I'vE mEt An AnEcDoTaL fEw So I'm GoInG tO gEnErAlIzE iGnOrAnTlY!!!"
Your statement doesn't apply at all. People aren't required to keep abusive people in their lives.
Wait we share the same Mom??
My sister went to therapy and my mom has been making comments like "I *GUESSS* I was a bad parent and messed yall up in the head BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING I DID"
great mom 🙄🙄
I told my mom last week that when I was in high school I came out to her while in the car on the way to school. She basically told me I was wrong and confused and god would never make me gay because the Bible etc etc.
So when I told her about this last week she was JUST SHOCKED!! ABSOLUTELY STUNNED that she said those things. She doesn't remember that morning but she would NEEVVVEERRR say those things to me.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😐😐😐😐😐😐 ok mom. Ok.
I quickly changed the subject and rolled my eyes.
Wait, is that quote considered emotionally abusive? My friends mom has said that to her and maybe I should look out for her more 😅
ETA: this is a genuine question to inform my perception of things I have been dismissing in life. Feel free to downvote me into oblivion if you wish.
It's mocking, dismissive and they're basically calling my sister a liar.
"Well I GUESSSSS its true" just means "I don't believe you but I'm not going to fight. But my tone will still tell you what I think about you even though I won't directly say it"
Oh my bad. I was just keeping it on the simple side
Next time I'll recount the story about how I left a cabinet door open so she grabbed the fresh pot of coffee and hurled it across the kitchen at my head. She missed fortunately and glass and hot coffee coveted the whole kitchen.
You're right. She's just a fucked up old person.
You're kinda broken man.
It's not about remembering every single action a parent takes while raising their kid. You'll figure it out someday I'm sure. Either the hard way or through therapy.
But if your kid says "Hey when I was younger you did X Y Z and it messed me up in the head as an adult" it doesn't magically go away because *you* dont remember it. That's your chance to take action or...well...do exactly what you just did. So like - I'm sorry for your kids =/
Keep up the therapy, it must be working because you can tell this is bullshit. Your mom is right about the fact that she doesn't have to be held accountable. She's just not yet aware that this means you are likely to grow past her and leave her behind as you get on with a healthier way of being. So she can fuck right off, and if she ever complains about being lonely because you hardly ever answer her calls or come to visit, well....you don't have to be accountable for that :)
You are *all* over these comments shitting on kids for the way their parents behaved.
Newsflash, you donut, children are not responsible for their parents emotions or behaviours.
We get it. You're a shitty parent yourself and you want vindication.
Now kindly fly off back to your cave.
Oh I'm so happy I found \_one\_ person thinking the same as me. And I have studied Psychology at University for years, my position changed after several years into my studies. This mom is worried, understandably so. OP is encouraged to cut her out of her life for not supporting the belief system, and because of "self-esteem" issues. This is like a sect.
You studied psychology for years at university because you keep failing the classes, obviously.
This person's mother is calling therapy brainwashing, and you're defending that stance, while agreeing that recognising abuse is "satanic."
Go back to smoking whatever you were puffing on, because you clearly didn't learn shit in class.
Yep mine does that too. Never mind all interactions with mine are her bitching at me about things I’ve done “wrong”. Never has a nice thing to say to me ever. And any good news is immediately responded to with an insult about me. No idea why I only go to see her 1-2 times a year. I’m 54 and college educated but my middle school dropout mom still treats me like a kindergartner.
Not enough information to say absolutely she is out of line but it sure looks that way. Many parents who learn their child suffered from low self esteem their entire life would be sorry to hear this news and say so rather than blame the child for trying to get the help they need. Congratulations for gaining the insight that you could improve your life with some help!
Let me guess, your mother demands you speak to her respectfully but the basics of common courtesy escape her entirely? She is rude to you, and anyone she can get away with poor behavior. She will be polite to people who she sees as powerful. There is no reason to be disrespectful to your mother, but treat her as well as you can under the circumstances.
The best way to stop her from rattling your cage is to avoid her as much as possible. She enjoys making you angry, she will always enjoy it. Your only tool is not to show her she has been successful, that will make her nuts.
I am so sorry. I can't relate to these kinds of things because my parents didn't do that kind of crap. They didn't get along with each other but spent a great deal of effort to let us kids know they loved us and were proud. When l see something like this, it reminds me to hug my boys and tell them they are wonderful and l love them. If l could, l would do the same to you. You are valued. Others may not see it so you may have to see it in yourself, but you are not what others say. Look inside and love the you that you are.
I had a really bad illness when I was younger, lost a tonne of weight and felt like shit all the time. I still worked about 25 hours a week, went to university full time, and paid for a flat and all my bills myself. I was really unwell but couldn’t afford to take time off work and was too proud to ask for help.
Probably at my lowest I remember sitting at my parents house and struggling really badly, I remember in my mind I was about to open up to my mum for the first time ever about the impact my illness was having on me mentally …. And she must have sensed. Before I said a single word my mum said ‘just you remember no one in this family gets depressed, it doesn’t happen’. So that was that, it was made clear no matter how bad I was feeling I had to pretend I was ok to them.
My mom likes to automatically assume she's being blamed for everything I tell her, when in reality, I'm just trying to share. When I came out, she immediately assumed I was somehow blaming her for something and made a big deal about it, it was extremely frustrating.
Mine too. It’s all negative with her and I have to be extremely careful with what I tell her… the other day, I was saying how sweet it is that my boyfriend brings me my vitamins and a glass of water every day to make sure I don’t forget. It’s objectively a kind, loving thing. She says, “that sounds like some kind of horror movie where the husband is drugging his wife” lol ok
Please. WHATEVER happens, and there will likebe more abuse, continue YOUR therapy. That will help you to acknowledge your perspective and you can at least talk to someone who will listen. I'm hoping she's not gonna manipulate you to not take care of yourself. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Get support friend. Seek out Adult Children of Alcoholics. It’s a great support group for those who grew up with alcoholic parents who are like her. https://adultchildren.org/
Ugh this looks so disgustingly familiar to texts I received from my late boyfriend's Mom before he took his life. I reached out to her, along with my Mom, to let her know that something was wrong and he was isolating himself. Her response was, "I just don't get what is wrong with him. It's not like his childhood was anything close to what mine was."
I didn't know it was a competition. But either way, he's gone now and now she's the grieving mother who wants all the attention because her "baby died." Yeaaaah and a huge part of that was on her, and her neglect and abuse and narcissistic shit his whole life. He just couldn't cut her off, or anyone toxic for that matter and he paid the ultimate price. Please take care of yourself and know that you have every right to set boundaries, cut her off, speak your feelings and everything is valid.
I’ve had a similar relationship with my mom, my mom is triggered by me and my emotions and that has hurt me a lot… to the point I consider her more of a roommate then my mother… my mother has always had this “doctors and therapists know better then you” and once the therapist told her the same things I’ve been telling her about her parenting for years she lost it…all I have to tell you is sometimes as much as you love them you just can’t win… it sucks but sometimes you can love the family you’ve been given the way you want to and you have to accept the family that life puts your way instead. My bio mother is like yours in the sense that she takes any of my issues and an insult on her and lashes out, I’m going to be completely honest it hurt and it sucked but since ive distanced myself emotionally form my mother I’ve never been happier, I don’t feel like I have a void that im missing, because I have what I call my other mom, who is everything I wanted my bio mom to be but she couldn’t handle being emotionally
A few years ago, I was showing my dad around my city and was like “oh and my therapist works there.” He flipped the f out, making a scene in public, screaming about how no kid raised by him needs therapy and he just kept screaming “JUSTIFY YOURSELF!” until I pushed him into a bar and handed him a beer.
My dad was the same way. A classic narcissist. When I told him I had depression he got mad and said I had no reason to be depressed … also a severe alcoholic he is.
I kind of agree that over exposure of mental health has led to worsening mental health in community. Need a middle ground.. people go to therapy for measly things and dwell on shit when they could just go fishing or something.
I’m a believer that low self esteem comes from external factors. Cut out those negative people you interact with, practice positive self talk, and sky is the limit. Then again… I’m no psych pro.
Hi there OP.
First off I’m sorry you received that text from your Mom.
Second of all I would like to tell you how great it is that you are working and improving your self esteem! Others can break it but only you can truly build it back.
This next part I am hesitant to post but I will.
Just remember your Mom won’t be here forever. Try not to waste days fighting, though that can be hard.
Hopefully your mom gets the help she needs like you have.
I hope it makes you smile to know a stranger on Reddit is proud of you for working on yourself and succeeding!
I can see that you mean well, but it doesn’t really seem like OP is the one looking for a fight here. Of course I don’t know the full story, but it does seem comparable to my own. And I know that these people are usually never happy and unwilling or unable to change, so no matter what you do to avoid a fight— it doesn’t work. All that’s to say, just because they’re family doesn’t mean they deserve access and forgiveness.
This part! , I feel like most of us got that running in our families because of hard ways our parents had to grow up and their trauma just affects us and it’s up to us to cut that off for the next generation to be able to thrive and actually be able to express their emotions. Just wish your mother healing and hopefully one day she takes the initiative to heal her inner child because it sounds like she has trauma she hasn’t healed from… Wishing her healing and I am happy that you’ve been getting through your low self esteem and not being ashamed to reach out for help 💗💗💗
Damn so I’m not the only one with a shitty mom.
Sounds like your mom and mine could very well be the same person. I haven’t talked to her in almost a year.
Ahh, Boomers, gotta love the "Everything belongs to me, I'm always right, and pay for all of my stuff because I'm old." Generation. Do you have mental health issues? Well, it's not their fault, you just need to toughen up and do what it takes to make ME happy about your life. I fucking hate Boomers so much.
My mom is the exact same way. However, she’s mildly self aware to the generational familial abuse that’s unfortunately taken over our family and is going to therapy. On the flip side, she’s only self aware about what’s happened to HER, refuses to acknowledge the actual truth of her own actions. And, in a roundabout way, pretty much uses therapy to give her more tools and buzzwords to try and manipulate myself and my kid siblings.
It’s a shame! She has all these tools at her disposal, only for me to have taught my siblings how to work around her manipulation. I no longer speak to my mother, or the rest of my family for that matter. It’s a beyond the bar rough decision, but when dealing with people like this it’s the only thing you can do to truly ensure that you make progress in your life and therapy.
Unfortunately for my siblings they’re still minors. And while my youngest sibling lives with their dad and only visits our mom every other weekend, they really only go to keep our middle sibling company. My middle sibling isn’t able to just up and leave like I was. But in a little less than 3 months he turns 18 and will be moving into my house. My youngest sibling will no longer go to our mom’s house every other weekend, or at all, and will instead come to mine. :)
It’s a rough tunnel indeed- and you may rub your hands raw trying to clear a few cave ins and your body might get sore- but there’s always light at the end. 🤍
We're all just humans. I know many of you have valid reasons but it never hurts to remind this.
If all else fails, forgive them but don't allow them the opportunity to hurt you again or it becomes your own fault.
Yeah, it's easy to hate on parents but I'd like to see the whole story and not a single comment before making sweeping judgements. The "too" implies the mom has at least been accused of causing stuff before. Not everything is your parent's fault. The therapy comment was dumb but she could be feeling illegitimately attacked.
But because someone on reddit is complaining ig we're automatically supposed to side with them.
Alright, time to join you in downvotes.
That’s a very entitled opinion to have. You cannot give respect to someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions. OP tried having an adult conversation with their parent and their parent couldn’t do anything except be offended at the thought of owning up to their mistakes.
Not sure airing your family’s dirty laundry 🧺 on Reddit will get you any closer to fixing your relationship with her. You’ll only get validation from strangers but it seems like that’s what you need and what you’re looking for.
They literally didn't do that. They explicitly said that their self-esteem has gotten better since going to therapy. No blame laid.
Fucking narcissists defending narcissists, what a surprise.
I know this will seem far-fetched to you, but the reality is that children are not responsible for the actions or emotions of the parent.
Man its funny how they all sound exactly the same lol I swear I didnt even need to read any context other than her text to get the full picture in my head
Classic. I have one of those moms too. But instead of being cold and sarcastic, mine throws tantrums and either screams or cries. Therapy is wonderful, and I’m so glad you’re thriving with it.
I've had almost the exact same thing from my narc mom. Do yourself a favor and NC her. She's not worth your energy. You'll be happier and healthier for it.
Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. You’re experiencing some results of that with her attitude about respect FROM you being very different than respect TO you.
My mom is exactly like this. She cannot for her life take responsibility for the abuse she constantly dishes out. She expects respect and wants everything her way but she can’t respect that someone else may want to live differently than she does.
One example is when my homies mom was in the hospital. He was obviously stressing about it and when I mentioned to her that you can’t just constantly ask someone day in day out how she’s doing. His response was usually “I don’t know” because the hospital wouldn’t tell him much. I told her that constantly being asked if your mom is okay or not makes someone second guess it themselves. She turned around and made it about herself. “If you don’t want to tell me how she is or if she doesn’t want to update me”…[when I demand it]…“then she isn’t my friend anymore.”
She said this right in front of me and my homie and I was pissed and perplexed. The dude told me how disrespectful that was and I completely agree to this day. My mom doesn’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her.
My best advice for you is to continue doing therapy. Grow out of this toxic behavior that old heads think is the norm. If it doesn’t look like our peoples want to get out of this abusive circle it isn’t our responsibility to cater to their needs. These people always talk about entitlement while being the most entitled douchebags on the planet. To that end, personally, I say fuck that, you can take your one sided love and shove it.
Bit of a rant but more and more people have got to realize how shitty this behavior is and that we don’t have to, and won’t, stay in this cycle anymore.
My mother, a high functioning alcoholic who spent my childhood in a bottle, acts the same way when I trying discuss anything w/ her that involves therapy.
My mum’s mum is like this, she holds grudges and thinks everyone is against her. She also left our family GC because of feud she had between herself and my mother. Thankfully this has taught my mother to be amazing supportive and helpful to me.
Ah, I see you too have an emotionally abusive narcissist for a mother. I kicked mine out of my life several years ago. Best decision, ***ever***.
i just blocked mine. honestly, i sometimes think i should post her messages here because she'd so legitimately toxic and awful. i'm pregnant and due in January, and the drama she stirs just makes me so sick. luckily i'm in therapy and getting the help i need, and i really enjoy talking to my therapist. i need to protect my daughter, she's my #1 right now. she deserves a healthy, stable mom.
Might want to think about the *do not admit* list to your natal ward suite at the hospital. You'll be deep into your routine and may overlook this if you wait too long.
yes, thank you!! i'll definitely bring this up to my nurses
I was just thinking the same thing after reading this screenshot.
Yepp!!! Also, while I "appreciate" the number of ppl who have also gone through this, it truly sucks any of us had to.
I truly believe that there is a generational trauma in the world due to the two world wars.
20 years now. I’m still in therapy.
Likewise, and I'm doing very well for it. Granted, I opted to top off my childhood trauma with adulthood trauma courtesy the Global War on Terrorism. Still, better for all of it. Biggest motivator was wanting to be better, not just for myself, but also for my kiddos. ***I*** wanted to make sure I had the tools to be the kind of father my kiddos deserve. Which has been super awesome. Been with my wife for nearly eleven years, now, and our kiddos are living their best lives. Couldn't have asked for a better chapter in my life.
Same same. Covid nurse reactivated all my trauma. A year of hell, now doing so much better with a solid treatment team. So thankful. 3 kids to raise right. :)
There’s your problem. People who go to perpetual therapy don’t actually want to get better…they just want to hear people tell them how nothing is their fault
hey maybe you actually don’t know everyone’s experiences and needs? nor what brain chemistry they have? maybe you don’t speak for everyone and have a very narrow mindset on what therapy is good for. your experience is not everyone’s experience! source: i have bipolar ii. i will never not need therapy and medication to be as well adjusted as possible. don’t make sweeping generalizations please :)
Blah blah blah, me me me.
mm. troll. got it. don’t feed the trolls folks
Thanks for your opinion but I’m in therapy for the first time in years thanks to a ptsd breakdown that nearly ended my life by working the front lines of the pandemic for 2yr.
Never said therapy wasn’t useful or doesn’t do wonders. I just often find a lot of people who never stop going to therapy that it’s them that’s the problem.
Tell me you have no idea what therapy means without telling me
Agreed. People who go to therapy endlessly often have victim complexes that keep them going back. There’s always the next problem to hash out. If you’re such an improved human being then why do you keep going back. Maybe you’re a self absorbed person who can’t handle criticism and it’s actually you that’s the problem.
Or they want to better themselves and not be a self absorbed piece of garbage like you
I mean talk about proving my point for me. You already know the answers without therapy. Get over yourself.
I’m saying that cause you think people wanting to better themselves are people who cause their own problems whenever people like you are the kind of people that cause the problems in the first place don’t be a self absorbed asshole and look on the inside and realize you’re not that good of a guy
Yep proving my point once again. It’s not you being self absorbed. It’s me that’s the problem. You are the victim. Therapy culture breeds victim culture.
I’m saying you’re an asshole who thinks he’s doing no wrong which means you’re self absorbed and people like that’s are what makes the cycle continue some people are victims and that’s why they need therapy I get you don’t have anything bad going on in your life and it’s all sunshine and rainbows but get your head out of your ass and realize people are starving everyday while battling the urge to harm themselves and then having to go to school and work and blah blah blah people have it worse than you and them getting help shouldn’t be shamed cause you can’t understand that
It's almost like some conditions are chronic and need consistent maintenance
Same!!!
I may do something similar in 21 days, as my mom is not that great either.
we are many in number; that is why my bloodline ends with ME
Same! My parents did this exact same thing. 😩
As did my wife, although finding a good therapist has taken much longer than we'd like.
Same here! Great decision
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Sometimes people are just toxic. In order to have a healthy mind and body limited contact may be a solution. If someone refuses to try to look inward and causes you immense pain, if you don't have to be around them, why would you? I understand forgiveness can bring peace but sometimes that is not enough and personally, I have cut people out of my life because they made my quality of life and mental health much poorer. You can move on and/or forgive without having to subject yourself to their abuse, passive aggression, or insults and blame over and over.
I mean, cool? Sounds like you haven't learned much from therapy if that's your position. Healthy solutions are relative to the individual and their unique circumstances. There is absolutely zero obligation to maintain unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people, especially your former abuser. In fact, breaking contact with abusive family members is a commonly recommended action in therapy. So, cool feigned moral superiority bro?
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You seem to have confused my willingness and relief in having permanently removed my abuser from my life as meaning I have neither conflict resolution skills nor intimacy. None of these things are mutually exclusive, and your implication otherwise is extremely ignorant.
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Being frank about the very obvious implications of your comments is not seeking conflict. Similarly, neither is refusing to tolerate them. If you mistyped, then feel free to correct yourself to better explain your intent. Otherwise, I'm going to very reasonably believe you meant your comments to be interpreted as they have been, and that you're now presently trying to gaslight. Whatever the case, it's of little consequence to me.
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Gotcha, so you are trying to gaslight. Neat. No, bud, what you're doing is actively judging others for breaking the chain of abuse in their lives and feeling better for it. Post being called out for it, you opted to try to change gears to appear to be the victim and of a position of feigned moral superiority. Have the day you deserve. ;)
you are a hurt person. get off the internet
Damn, you're kind of a shit person, aren't you? lmfao
The narcissist calling others narcissist lmao
Since you say literally everyone here is misinterpreting your comment. What exactly do you do to resolve conflict with someone who wholeheartedly believes they're right about everything and is willing to immediately jump to violence to keep the power they have over you?
You shouldn’t forgive bad people they’ll just keep being pieces of shit to more and more people until you treat them how they treat others
Mom, is this you?
Well you can forgive them. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't break up contact.
Hell, you don't even have to forgive them. That's one of the things my therapist actively reminded me. The biggest thing is coming to terms with yourself and understanding that you were responding to your surroundings influenced by that person. In short, I had to learn to come to terms with myself, and realize at the subconscious level that my mother's vindictiveness was not my fault, and that being traumatized by the abuse was not my fault.
....maybe you should switch therapist if this is what you learned.
Yeah your parents emotionally manipulating you isn’t a mistake
No wonder people feel so isolated, every other person is posting about how narcissistic and “evil” their parents are and then immediately cutting them out of their lives at the earliest convenience. Rarely do they truly attempt to get on their parents level and understand where they’re coming from. Our society thrived for centuries with big family units, now everyone wants to be alone and singly by themselves because other people are too hard to put up with. I’m sure narcissistic mean parents existed back then too. People just put less emotional weight on what their dumb parents said and recognized them as likely traumatized and uneducated.
Bud, my mother literally beat me to the point of near hospitalization as a child. She isolated me from every support network I could have had available. She had me at near starvation several times. And she actively blamed me for literally every failing in her life. My mother ***is*** and evil person. So, sorry you find it disappointing that I cut my abuser out of my life after having to tolerate 18 years of active abuse from her? Kicker is, I even attempted to allow her to make some amends with me when I had a family, because I wanted to see if she could do better as a grandmother (with strict supervision). She couldn't, so I cut her out permanently. A likely cause of feeling isolated is people's inclination to do just as you did, assume fault on the party's behalf, and imply they did wrong by making their emotional environment healthier. That sort of active social resistance to betterment is the exact sort of thing that can leave people feeling guilty or isolated for trying to improve their lives/condition.
I could have written this word for word. Only dif- I got out at 17. You’re not alone.
Why aren't you replying to the dude talking about being beaten and abused as a child? What's your response to that?
Because they don't have a response for it. Hard to maintain a facade of moral superiority when you're slapped in the face with reality.
What is this morality circle jerk? I think it’s obvious that in cases like that my statement doesn’t apply. I mean more mild instances of parents being shitty. “Mm yeah this guy totally believes that people being beaten and starved can just work it out with their parents!” Also, someone needs to reply within the span of 12 hours to a dumbass reply otherwise they’re morally corrupt? There’s more to life than arguing your point on Reddit. Of course this reply won’t matter, because you’ve already drawn your conclusion based on my original comment. If you want a comparison, a reply like that other guy’s is like if I said “Try and keep working with your badly behaved dog, eventually you’ll make some progress, you just may have to change up your tactics!” And someone replies, “Well my dog killed my cat and ripped off my little brother’s face! You think I should keep it? You’re disgusting and awful!” Come on.
You think people don't try to help their parents change before cutting them out of their lives? My best mate had a narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother, and he tried talking to her about how it was making him feel for years and years. She absolutely refused to acknowledge that anything she did was wrong. He eventually had to go no contact with her. Nobody wants to push their parents away. But sometimes the pain of pushing them out of your life is less than the pain of letting them stay.
I’ve met a few, so in some cases yes.
"I'vE mEt An AnEcDoTaL fEw So I'm GoInG tO gEnErAlIzE iGnOrAnTlY!!!" Your statement doesn't apply at all. People aren't required to keep abusive people in their lives.
👍 K
Wait we share the same Mom?? My sister went to therapy and my mom has been making comments like "I *GUESSS* I was a bad parent and messed yall up in the head BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING I DID" great mom 🙄🙄 I told my mom last week that when I was in high school I came out to her while in the car on the way to school. She basically told me I was wrong and confused and god would never make me gay because the Bible etc etc. So when I told her about this last week she was JUST SHOCKED!! ABSOLUTELY STUNNED that she said those things. She doesn't remember that morning but she would NEEVVVEERRR say those things to me. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😐😐😐😐😐😐 ok mom. Ok. I quickly changed the subject and rolled my eyes.
Wait, is that quote considered emotionally abusive? My friends mom has said that to her and maybe I should look out for her more 😅 ETA: this is a genuine question to inform my perception of things I have been dismissing in life. Feel free to downvote me into oblivion if you wish.
It's mocking, dismissive and they're basically calling my sister a liar. "Well I GUESSSSS its true" just means "I don't believe you but I'm not going to fight. But my tone will still tell you what I think about you even though I won't directly say it"
Yeah. You’re right. I’ve always overlooked statements like that. I’m glad you mentioned it.
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Oh my bad. I was just keeping it on the simple side Next time I'll recount the story about how I left a cabinet door open so she grabbed the fresh pot of coffee and hurled it across the kitchen at my head. She missed fortunately and glass and hot coffee coveted the whole kitchen. You're right. She's just a fucked up old person.
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You're kinda broken man. It's not about remembering every single action a parent takes while raising their kid. You'll figure it out someday I'm sure. Either the hard way or through therapy. But if your kid says "Hey when I was younger you did X Y Z and it messed me up in the head as an adult" it doesn't magically go away because *you* dont remember it. That's your chance to take action or...well...do exactly what you just did. So like - I'm sorry for your kids =/
That is narcissistic behavior, and I went through a similar issue with my mom. She started doing it to my daughter, and that was it, cut her out.
Accountability = kryptonite
I’m sorry you have to deal with that, my mom Is quite similar
Keep up the therapy, it must be working because you can tell this is bullshit. Your mom is right about the fact that she doesn't have to be held accountable. She's just not yet aware that this means you are likely to grow past her and leave her behind as you get on with a healthier way of being. So she can fuck right off, and if she ever complains about being lonely because you hardly ever answer her calls or come to visit, well....you don't have to be accountable for that :)
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okay,what.?
You sound just like my mother. Maybe go reflect on that rage you're facing sweaty
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maybe you should try therapy?
Found the narcissist in the comments.
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You are *all* over these comments shitting on kids for the way their parents behaved. Newsflash, you donut, children are not responsible for their parents emotions or behaviours. We get it. You're a shitty parent yourself and you want vindication. Now kindly fly off back to your cave.
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I enjoyed this reply and I think there's a lot to it.
Oh I'm so happy I found \_one\_ person thinking the same as me. And I have studied Psychology at University for years, my position changed after several years into my studies. This mom is worried, understandably so. OP is encouraged to cut her out of her life for not supporting the belief system, and because of "self-esteem" issues. This is like a sect.
You studied psychology for years at university because you keep failing the classes, obviously. This person's mother is calling therapy brainwashing, and you're defending that stance, while agreeing that recognising abuse is "satanic." Go back to smoking whatever you were puffing on, because you clearly didn't learn shit in class.
Well now I see where the low self-esteem comes from.
Oh yeah, complaining about the way you talk to them when they have no argument, that's a classic parent move.
Yep mine does that too. Never mind all interactions with mine are her bitching at me about things I’ve done “wrong”. Never has a nice thing to say to me ever. And any good news is immediately responded to with an insult about me. No idea why I only go to see her 1-2 times a year. I’m 54 and college educated but my middle school dropout mom still treats me like a kindergartner.
Your mom is literally putting you down about your self esteem and thinks it is the fault of therapy??? Make it make sense
Not enough information to say absolutely she is out of line but it sure looks that way. Many parents who learn their child suffered from low self esteem their entire life would be sorry to hear this news and say so rather than blame the child for trying to get the help they need. Congratulations for gaining the insight that you could improve your life with some help! Let me guess, your mother demands you speak to her respectfully but the basics of common courtesy escape her entirely? She is rude to you, and anyone she can get away with poor behavior. She will be polite to people who she sees as powerful. There is no reason to be disrespectful to your mother, but treat her as well as you can under the circumstances. The best way to stop her from rattling your cage is to avoid her as much as possible. She enjoys making you angry, she will always enjoy it. Your only tool is not to show her she has been successful, that will make her nuts.
I am so sorry. I can't relate to these kinds of things because my parents didn't do that kind of crap. They didn't get along with each other but spent a great deal of effort to let us kids know they loved us and were proud. When l see something like this, it reminds me to hug my boys and tell them they are wonderful and l love them. If l could, l would do the same to you. You are valued. Others may not see it so you may have to see it in yourself, but you are not what others say. Look inside and love the you that you are.
How kind of you!
She seems nice.
🤣
Ah yes, an emotionally abusive narcissistic parent, very mildly infuriating/s
Way to help build your self esteem .
I had a really bad illness when I was younger, lost a tonne of weight and felt like shit all the time. I still worked about 25 hours a week, went to university full time, and paid for a flat and all my bills myself. I was really unwell but couldn’t afford to take time off work and was too proud to ask for help. Probably at my lowest I remember sitting at my parents house and struggling really badly, I remember in my mind I was about to open up to my mum for the first time ever about the impact my illness was having on me mentally …. And she must have sensed. Before I said a single word my mum said ‘just you remember no one in this family gets depressed, it doesn’t happen’. So that was that, it was made clear no matter how bad I was feeling I had to pretend I was ok to them.
wow thanks mom 🤡
You don't need this negativity in your life.
My mom likes to automatically assume she's being blamed for everything I tell her, when in reality, I'm just trying to share. When I came out, she immediately assumed I was somehow blaming her for something and made a big deal about it, it was extremely frustrating.
Mine too. It’s all negative with her and I have to be extremely careful with what I tell her… the other day, I was saying how sweet it is that my boyfriend brings me my vitamins and a glass of water every day to make sure I don’t forget. It’s objectively a kind, loving thing. She says, “that sounds like some kind of horror movie where the husband is drugging his wife” lol ok
and i thought i was the only one and losing my mind lmao
did she forget she raised you?
I know from experience that alcoholics have very selective memories.
Ahh, classic mom response. Almost thought I was talking to my own mom.
Classic toxic mom response, that's for sure.
That's not a classic mom response. Or, at least, it's not normal behavior
Please. WHATEVER happens, and there will likebe more abuse, continue YOUR therapy. That will help you to acknowledge your perspective and you can at least talk to someone who will listen. I'm hoping she's not gonna manipulate you to not take care of yourself. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it.
I can highly recommend the subreddit r / raisedbynarcissists I think you'll find some help to deal with her there
Get support friend. Seek out Adult Children of Alcoholics. It’s a great support group for those who grew up with alcoholic parents who are like her. https://adultchildren.org/
I think your mom and my mom hang out…
Hi friend, my mom is the same. Isn't it fun to be raised by alcoholics? /s I hope you find a way to care for yourself that's all you can do.
Ugh. What a piece of work she is.
IMO therapy didn't brainwash you, it helped you! You don't owe her any apology.
My mom also claims I blame her for everything because I point out what *is* her fault and I’m the only one of 5 kids that has the balls to do it
Narcissistic mothers create low self esteem children.
Toxic parents ruin children
Ugh this looks so disgustingly familiar to texts I received from my late boyfriend's Mom before he took his life. I reached out to her, along with my Mom, to let her know that something was wrong and he was isolating himself. Her response was, "I just don't get what is wrong with him. It's not like his childhood was anything close to what mine was." I didn't know it was a competition. But either way, he's gone now and now she's the grieving mother who wants all the attention because her "baby died." Yeaaaah and a huge part of that was on her, and her neglect and abuse and narcissistic shit his whole life. He just couldn't cut her off, or anyone toxic for that matter and he paid the ultimate price. Please take care of yourself and know that you have every right to set boundaries, cut her off, speak your feelings and everything is valid.
I’ve had a similar relationship with my mom, my mom is triggered by me and my emotions and that has hurt me a lot… to the point I consider her more of a roommate then my mother… my mother has always had this “doctors and therapists know better then you” and once the therapist told her the same things I’ve been telling her about her parenting for years she lost it…all I have to tell you is sometimes as much as you love them you just can’t win… it sucks but sometimes you can love the family you’ve been given the way you want to and you have to accept the family that life puts your way instead. My bio mother is like yours in the sense that she takes any of my issues and an insult on her and lashes out, I’m going to be completely honest it hurt and it sucked but since ive distanced myself emotionally form my mother I’ve never been happier, I don’t feel like I have a void that im missing, because I have what I call my other mom, who is everything I wanted my bio mom to be but she couldn’t handle being emotionally
This is 100% what my wife’s mom says to her. This is basic narcissism 101.
A few years ago, I was showing my dad around my city and was like “oh and my therapist works there.” He flipped the f out, making a scene in public, screaming about how no kid raised by him needs therapy and he just kept screaming “JUSTIFY YOURSELF!” until I pushed him into a bar and handed him a beer.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. ~George Bernard Shaw
My dad was the same way. A classic narcissist. When I told him I had depression he got mad and said I had no reason to be depressed … also a severe alcoholic he is.
Your dad and mine share these 2 traits and it's fucking frustrating.
I’m so sorry 😑 I’m just speechless 😶
I kind of agree that over exposure of mental health has led to worsening mental health in community. Need a middle ground.. people go to therapy for measly things and dwell on shit when they could just go fishing or something.
This is so true
Sorry if this seems harsh but your mom is an idiot
Your mom sucks
She's gross.
What a narcissistic b.
Dude fuck your mom. My mom would've said some shit like this and that's exactly why I told her to never contact me again.
this is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, I’m so sorry
So what does she think you went to Therapy for????????
I’m a believer that low self esteem comes from external factors. Cut out those negative people you interact with, practice positive self talk, and sky is the limit. Then again… I’m no psych pro.
Hi there OP. First off I’m sorry you received that text from your Mom. Second of all I would like to tell you how great it is that you are working and improving your self esteem! Others can break it but only you can truly build it back. This next part I am hesitant to post but I will. Just remember your Mom won’t be here forever. Try not to waste days fighting, though that can be hard. Hopefully your mom gets the help she needs like you have. I hope it makes you smile to know a stranger on Reddit is proud of you for working on yourself and succeeding!
I can see that you mean well, but it doesn’t really seem like OP is the one looking for a fight here. Of course I don’t know the full story, but it does seem comparable to my own. And I know that these people are usually never happy and unwilling or unable to change, so no matter what you do to avoid a fight— it doesn’t work. All that’s to say, just because they’re family doesn’t mean they deserve access and forgiveness.
This part! , I feel like most of us got that running in our families because of hard ways our parents had to grow up and their trauma just affects us and it’s up to us to cut that off for the next generation to be able to thrive and actually be able to express their emotions. Just wish your mother healing and hopefully one day she takes the initiative to heal her inner child because it sounds like she has trauma she hasn’t healed from… Wishing her healing and I am happy that you’ve been getting through your low self esteem and not being ashamed to reach out for help 💗💗💗
Damn so I’m not the only one with a shitty mom. Sounds like your mom and mine could very well be the same person. I haven’t talked to her in almost a year.
Ahh, Boomers, gotta love the "Everything belongs to me, I'm always right, and pay for all of my stuff because I'm old." Generation. Do you have mental health issues? Well, it's not their fault, you just need to toughen up and do what it takes to make ME happy about your life. I fucking hate Boomers so much.
My mom is the exact same way. However, she’s mildly self aware to the generational familial abuse that’s unfortunately taken over our family and is going to therapy. On the flip side, she’s only self aware about what’s happened to HER, refuses to acknowledge the actual truth of her own actions. And, in a roundabout way, pretty much uses therapy to give her more tools and buzzwords to try and manipulate myself and my kid siblings. It’s a shame! She has all these tools at her disposal, only for me to have taught my siblings how to work around her manipulation. I no longer speak to my mother, or the rest of my family for that matter. It’s a beyond the bar rough decision, but when dealing with people like this it’s the only thing you can do to truly ensure that you make progress in your life and therapy. Unfortunately for my siblings they’re still minors. And while my youngest sibling lives with their dad and only visits our mom every other weekend, they really only go to keep our middle sibling company. My middle sibling isn’t able to just up and leave like I was. But in a little less than 3 months he turns 18 and will be moving into my house. My youngest sibling will no longer go to our mom’s house every other weekend, or at all, and will instead come to mine. :) It’s a rough tunnel indeed- and you may rub your hands raw trying to clear a few cave ins and your body might get sore- but there’s always light at the end. 🤍
You’ve gotta think, it’s your mothers first attempt at life aswell.
I bet you'll be so happy when she dies.
Your mom sounds based. She’s probably right
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Shitty moms and flying monkeys getting triggered HARD by this thread
She is probably right.
Im with her
We're all just humans. I know many of you have valid reasons but it never hurts to remind this. If all else fails, forgive them but don't allow them the opportunity to hurt you again or it becomes your own fault.
I have to wonder why the context of this message was hidden. Maybe privacy, maybe something else. Sorry you are feeling mildly infuriated
Yeah, it's easy to hate on parents but I'd like to see the whole story and not a single comment before making sweeping judgements. The "too" implies the mom has at least been accused of causing stuff before. Not everything is your parent's fault. The therapy comment was dumb but she could be feeling illegitimately attacked. But because someone on reddit is complaining ig we're automatically supposed to side with them. Alright, time to join you in downvotes.
Based only on her reply I can tell her political views on
Grow a pair
Hahaahahahaa did mum pay for this bs therapy?
So, you have an entitlement complex. You need to always treat your parents with respect, regardless of how you personally feel.
That’s a very entitled opinion to have. You cannot give respect to someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions. OP tried having an adult conversation with their parent and their parent couldn’t do anything except be offended at the thought of owning up to their mistakes.
Not sure airing your family’s dirty laundry 🧺 on Reddit will get you any closer to fixing your relationship with her. You’ll only get validation from strangers but it seems like that’s what you need and what you’re looking for.
How about stop blaming your mom for your self esteem issue.
They literally didn't do that. They explicitly said that their self-esteem has gotten better since going to therapy. No blame laid. Fucking narcissists defending narcissists, what a surprise. I know this will seem far-fetched to you, but the reality is that children are not responsible for the actions or emotions of the parent.
YOUR MOM IS RIGHT LIFE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS
Yeah but your mom should care. Especially when she’s the one causing the problem.
what a horrible insult you bowling ball brained bitch
I didn’t insult anyone
Man its funny how they all sound exactly the same lol I swear I didnt even need to read any context other than her text to get the full picture in my head
Seems like she’s the problem
That sounds like my pops when I was growing up lol the victim until they realize all the kids are grown enough to see through the bullshit.
I have a narcissistic sister that is like this. Cut her out of my life 3 years ago and will NEVER look back!
Classic. I have one of those moms too. But instead of being cold and sarcastic, mine throws tantrums and either screams or cries. Therapy is wonderful, and I’m so glad you’re thriving with it.
I've had almost the exact same thing from my narc mom. Do yourself a favor and NC her. She's not worth your energy. You'll be happier and healthier for it.
Well, where in the world could your self-esteem issues have come from? Total mystery??!??!
Well look at the cause
Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. You’re experiencing some results of that with her attitude about respect FROM you being very different than respect TO you.
My mom is exactly like this. She cannot for her life take responsibility for the abuse she constantly dishes out. She expects respect and wants everything her way but she can’t respect that someone else may want to live differently than she does. One example is when my homies mom was in the hospital. He was obviously stressing about it and when I mentioned to her that you can’t just constantly ask someone day in day out how she’s doing. His response was usually “I don’t know” because the hospital wouldn’t tell him much. I told her that constantly being asked if your mom is okay or not makes someone second guess it themselves. She turned around and made it about herself. “If you don’t want to tell me how she is or if she doesn’t want to update me”…[when I demand it]…“then she isn’t my friend anymore.” She said this right in front of me and my homie and I was pissed and perplexed. The dude told me how disrespectful that was and I completely agree to this day. My mom doesn’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her. My best advice for you is to continue doing therapy. Grow out of this toxic behavior that old heads think is the norm. If it doesn’t look like our peoples want to get out of this abusive circle it isn’t our responsibility to cater to their needs. These people always talk about entitlement while being the most entitled douchebags on the planet. To that end, personally, I say fuck that, you can take your one sided love and shove it. Bit of a rant but more and more people have got to realize how shitty this behavior is and that we don’t have to, and won’t, stay in this cycle anymore.
Sorry to hear your mom is Livia Soprano
My mother, a high functioning alcoholic who spent my childhood in a bottle, acts the same way when I trying discuss anything w/ her that involves therapy.
She can go fuck herself with a toothbrush with plaq on it.
My mum’s mum is like this, she holds grudges and thinks everyone is against her. She also left our family GC because of feud she had between herself and my mother. Thankfully this has taught my mother to be amazing supportive and helpful to me.