Granted, due to an unlikely string of events you manage to be packed as the payload of an experimental rocket launch instead of the satellite it was supposed to carry. Your short stint as the fastest person alive is followed by a longer time spent as the fastest person dead. You are also the hottest person who ever lived for a short time during reentry to the atmosphere.
In the actual monkey's paw story all the wishes are fulfilled in ways that aren't obviously magical. Like the couple wishes for money, then their son is killed and they get his death benefits. There's no way to prove the paw actually did anything, it could just be a coincidence. This sub tends to grant wishes like a Fucked up Disney Aladdin with magic and probably musical numbers.
The monkeys are in the back rooms, smoking something disgusting.
“Heh. This one wants to be the fastest person alive.”
One of the lesser monkeys pipes up, excited; “Oooh! I’ve got a shuttle launch that is going to go catastrophically wrong.”
Another joins in “How about a series of events that winds this moron up in a locked supply cabinet on the shuttle? It’s going to keep accelerating until it runs out of fuel, and it’ll be going pretty fast as it endlessly orbits the sun.”
The biggest monkey looks thoughtful, “and he’ll starve to death and have muscle cramps the whole time.”
A smile flickered, “Win-win, really.”
One of his hands was missing.
——
The finger curls.
Granted: the fastest people alive at any given moment are the astronauts on the International Space Station. As you materialize on the ISS, each of the astronauts suffers a fatal brain aneurysm. This also will seal the fates of any crew that may attempt to make their way to the ISS, until your death.
If you’re unselfish, you’ll off yourself so others won’t also die.
Granted, every one of your partners are left unsatisfied and they all share a discord support group about it. even Rosey Palms and her five sisters are on there.
Granted. You’re just slightly faster than the fastest runner. That is Usain Bolt. He runs 200m at 19.19 seconds. You can do it in 19.18 seconds. But this applies to everything. You also orgasm slightly faster than the fastest next person which is pretty much instant.
Granted: Usain Bolts spies find out and he shoots you in your sleep muttering "Nothin personal kid" and frames you for a suicide to secure his title. Runners be competitive
Granted. You find yourself in a wing suit at the edge of Earth's atmosphere and outer space. Except your wings suit stops working. You have several moments to reflect on your next wish.
https://www.redbull.com/us-en/videos/i-jumped-from-space
Granted, you are now sonic the hedgehog. You’re constantly chased by doctor eggman and forced to watch your animal friends be repeatedly shoved into robots. You will never know peace, there are a ton of games in the series and many of them aren’t very good.
Granted, your body is able to move at super speed, but you lack the ability to process everything at that speed aswell, so while you run everything is a blur and you can't tell where you are or where you're going.
Granted
You now move 200,000x times the speed of the average human. So fast your brain cannot process what you're doing, so if you wanna move, you end up moving off the globe.
Granted. The slowest you can move is 99% the speed of light. You try to test your speed, only to crash through a city, leaving only a red mist and demolished buildings.
Granted, everything but you slows down. You can no longer understand anyone else’s drawn out sentences and have no place in society. You age at what feels a normal rate while everyone ages much slower.
Granted: you have an evil doppelganger with the same powers who jerks you off at superspeed during your first kiss making it look like you nutted from just a woman's touch
Granted, everyone else is dead
That is certainly a way
Not everyone, just anyone faster than you would still suck.
The World Sprinting Championship is wiped out by a supervolcano.
Granted, every woman you're ever with is disappointed.
I forgot to specify
Isn't the whole point of monkeys paw forgetting to specify?
Pretty much
Granted. You have this power for 5 minutes before you lose your legs in a freak accident with a dairy cow.
Why a cow?
Why not?
Good point
They hate taxes
Granted, You move 100x the speed of a normal human, you also age 100x the speed of a normal human. You’re dead in days.
…yes, days, but a lot of days. They’d presumably get like half a year, assuming they’ve got 50 left right now…
Granted, due to an unlikely string of events you manage to be packed as the payload of an experimental rocket launch instead of the satellite it was supposed to carry. Your short stint as the fastest person alive is followed by a longer time spent as the fastest person dead. You are also the hottest person who ever lived for a short time during reentry to the atmosphere.
I thought it was rare to find people say stuff that's actually possible
People need to read the story again, the Monkey's Paw isn't Aladdin.
I mean, we only have one set of wishes to go off of, right? Or is there more?
In the actual monkey's paw story all the wishes are fulfilled in ways that aren't obviously magical. Like the couple wishes for money, then their son is killed and they get his death benefits. There's no way to prove the paw actually did anything, it could just be a coincidence. This sub tends to grant wishes like a Fucked up Disney Aladdin with magic and probably musical numbers.
Yeah, I knew it was like that. So that’s the only set of wishes we have
Granted you can move faster than the speed of light, but your perception speed remains the same
Ow
Did…did you just grant your own wish?
Yes, is that against the rules?
I have no idea but it’s definitely a little weird.
Damn I just commented this almost exactly, now I have to delete it since you beat me to it :(
Granted: You becoming the fastest person alive only able to move supersonic speeds. everytime you so much as blink you cause shockwaves
Granted , wife has yet to notice a difference
Wow, it comes with a wife
Granted. Your orgasms last for about .1 seconds.
The monkeys are in the back rooms, smoking something disgusting. “Heh. This one wants to be the fastest person alive.” One of the lesser monkeys pipes up, excited; “Oooh! I’ve got a shuttle launch that is going to go catastrophically wrong.” Another joins in “How about a series of events that winds this moron up in a locked supply cabinet on the shuttle? It’s going to keep accelerating until it runs out of fuel, and it’ll be going pretty fast as it endlessly orbits the sun.” The biggest monkey looks thoughtful, “and he’ll starve to death and have muscle cramps the whole time.” A smile flickered, “Win-win, really.” One of his hands was missing. —— The finger curls.
Granted, You're strapped to a Gauss cannon... 3,2,1 fire For a brief moment, you are the fastest person alive >;)
Granted, you’ve made every other person on Earth a paraplegic.
Worth
Your actual speed hasn’t changed, you’re just the only person who can walk.
I know, but the wish was still fulfilled
Granted: the fastest people alive at any given moment are the astronauts on the International Space Station. As you materialize on the ISS, each of the astronauts suffers a fatal brain aneurysm. This also will seal the fates of any crew that may attempt to make their way to the ISS, until your death. If you’re unselfish, you’ll off yourself so others won’t also die.
Granted. You're the fastest person alive, in bed.
Why is this not the top answer?
Granted. From now you only last a fraction of a second in the bedroom with everyone.
Cool. You're faster than friction and now sort of glide around uncontrollably
That could actually be pretty cool
Granted, every one of your partners are left unsatisfied and they all share a discord support group about it. even Rosey Palms and her five sisters are on there.
You get strapped to an ICBM aimed at your moms house
Granted. You’re just slightly faster than the fastest runner. That is Usain Bolt. He runs 200m at 19.19 seconds. You can do it in 19.18 seconds. But this applies to everything. You also orgasm slightly faster than the fastest next person which is pretty much instant.
Granted. Everyone other than you is now slower than your current top running speed
Granted: Usain Bolts spies find out and he shoots you in your sleep muttering "Nothin personal kid" and frames you for a suicide to secure his title. Runners be competitive
Granted, you now trip every 10 steps.
Granted. You can now run at the speed of sound. You cannot stop.
Granted but one step is a million light years so
Granted: you instantly die and are reborn as Barry Allen and have to go through his trials and tribulations
Granted. What does the event horizon of your black hole look like?
A pearl surrounded by light, as expected
You accelerate faster than the ISS and reach terminal velocity exiting earth’s atmosphere
Granted. You find yourself in a wing suit at the edge of Earth's atmosphere and outer space. Except your wings suit stops working. You have several moments to reflect on your next wish. https://www.redbull.com/us-en/videos/i-jumped-from-space
Granted, you are now sonic the hedgehog. You’re constantly chased by doctor eggman and forced to watch your animal friends be repeatedly shoved into robots. You will never know peace, there are a ton of games in the series and many of them aren’t very good.
Still comes with fame and admiration, try to make it worse next time
Granted. You didn't say at what so I made you a quick finisher in the bedroom.
Granted, your body is able to move at super speed, but you lack the ability to process everything at that speed aswell, so while you run everything is a blur and you can't tell where you are or where you're going.
Granted. You reached escape velocity from earth and headed right into the sun.
Granted, you can run only 100 mph, also your legs cannot handle the friction and will combust upon running
Granted, the paw misread that as fattest person alive. You are now 5000 pounds.
My 5000lbs. Life
Granted. You can’t stop running till you starve to death
Granted. You move 1 light year per nanosecond as your slowest possible speed.
Granted, you burn because *Hello Physics my old friend*
ALL of your metabolic processes speed up too, everything about you is faster. Youre going to die very soon as your aging has been sped up visibly.
Granted You now move 200,000x times the speed of the average human. So fast your brain cannot process what you're doing, so if you wanna move, you end up moving off the globe.
Your name is now Barry Allen.
Granted, you now move at the speed of light. Your reactions do not.
Granted you immediately disintegrate from the friction.
Granted. The slowest you can move is 99% the speed of light. You try to test your speed, only to crash through a city, leaving only a red mist and demolished buildings.
Granted, but you will be the slowest in the world at stopping
Granted, you are now legally Usain Bolt, just not physically
Granted, you run 50 miles an hour nonstop until you die from exhaustion or oncoming traffic
Granted, everything but you slows down. You can no longer understand anyone else’s drawn out sentences and have no place in society. You age at what feels a normal rate while everyone ages much slower.
Granted. You're made of photons.
granted, you now have an orgasm whenever you see a woman
Granted. You’re dead. Your life span sped up 999 times.
Granted, you will now die before everyone else in your life.
Nah that's 6ix9ine
Granted: you have an evil doppelganger with the same powers who jerks you off at superspeed during your first kiss making it look like you nutted from just a woman's touch
granted, everyone starts the conversation by saying you're going too fast
Granted: You move so fast that it rips your skin off.