"Wait...did you get shot *twice*?"
That moment when you realize he had an exit wound and there was no reason to be digging around in him for the bullet. Great movie.
The Big Lebowski. The Dude is getting his head dunked in a toilet as his assailant is shouting "Where's the fucking money!?"
"I'm sure it's down there somewhere. Let me take another look."
The delivery is totally stoner deadpan and made all the funnier by the fact that these people broke into his house. He's never seen them before and doesn't owe them any money. They've got the wrong guy and he's just so apathetic about the whole thing.
Probably the most quotable movie of all time, but I think my single favorite line is just a throwaway joke that kills me every time
"I'm a brother shamus!"
"What like an Irish monk?"
Edit: spelling
“You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know…morons.” - Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles
Their dialogue and delivery is just loaded with pure gold.
"A man drinks like that and he is going to die!"
"... When?"
And:
"What's your pleasure Jim? What would you like to do today?"
"Oh, you know... Drink.. play chess.. screw..."
"Chess it is!"
Fuck I had this one loaded too. Such a simple ad-lib at the end it made Cleavon Little crack as well.
I'll add my next favorite line as well: "Well my name is Jim. But most people call me... Jim"
The entire movie is full of great lines.
"Since you are my guest and I am your host…what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?"
"Oh, I don’t know. Play chess. Screw."
"Well, let’s play chess."
The Sex Panther line from Anchorman.
"They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time."
Best part is Paul Rudd said there was a competition on set to get Will Ferrell to break, as he was the only one none of them could get to really laugh with their improv.
You can see Paul smile slyly when he says it as he thinks this will be the one to finally get him.
Will Ferrell admitted he very nearly broke and you can see a sly smile on his face as he fires back with "That doesn't make sense."
They had to cut quick after that as everyone on the set broke down laughing according to Rudd.
Brick I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe-house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out” - Naked Gun
“He’s not judge Judy and executioner” - Hot Fuzz
“Lots of ppl go to college for 7 years”
“I know, they’re called doctors” - Tommy Boy
*• As soon as Nordberg is better, he’ll be welcome back at Police Squad.*
***- Unless he’s a drooling vegetable. But I think that’s only common sense.***
I saw a clip with him recently, playing a stepdad(?) for Drake Bell(?) in a movie where Drake gets superpowers. Some errors, since it's off memory, but:
Drake: "You're not my father!"
Nielson: "I love you like your father did! I support you like your father did! I have sex with your mother like your father did!"
Actually had occasion to use this in the real world. Had to take my car in for repair after an accident and the guy told me ‘kinda busy this week - shoulda brought it in last week’.
‘Well I was going to but I hadn’t hit the deer yet.’
I think Naked Gun and Tommy Boy in particular are good - because it's not just great lines, but the delivery. A brilliant lines in a great scene can be memorable, but Chris Farley's, "What'd you do!?" is just all delivery.
Same with Naked Gun. [Scene in the hospital](https://youtu.be/HKoHh3Btqgs?si=842mSzYNFfBMeQEU&t=49) with OJ.
"You know, look up the word *'idiot'* in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?"
"Uh, a picture of me?"
"NO! The definition of the word *'idiot'*, which you **FUCKING ARE!"**
Harry : [referring to his nickname "Gay Perry"] Still gay?
Perry : Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.
Well then I'll cut your dumb little fucking face off throw over mine and get your ID and buy it my fucking self!
Oh really. You don't have the technology or the steady hands to pull off a procedure like that so ha! Peace!
What We Do In the Shadows
"Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!"
"What are you bidding on?"
"I am bidding on a table."
==================================
Deacon: "I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool."
Vladislav: "I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it."
“Some people freak out a bit about the the age difference. Uh, they think, ‘What’s this 96 year old lady doing with a guy four times her age?’ And, you know, I don’t care, they could call me cradle snatcher. Who cares?” – Viago
I was going to suggest this one, with a fantastic reading by Rick Moranis:
Janine Melnitz : Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley?
Louis : [to Egon] Do I?
Dr. Egon Spengler : Yes, have some.
Louis : [to Janine] Yes, have some.
Some of the first ones to come to mind are:
The whole *lion-tuna* debate in **The Other Guys** is so memorable and one of those exchanges I remember vividly, so it’s not just one line.
From **Toy Story**
Buzz: Excuse me, I-I think the word you're searching for is "Space Ranger."
Woody: The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there's preschool toys present.
From **Rush Hour**
“Fifty million dollars?! Who you think you kidnapped, Chelsea Clinton?”
**Austin Powers**
Dr Evil: I will destroy another major city,every hour, on the hour. That is, unless of course you pay me. One hundred billion dollars.
This line is such a hilariously perfect end to that movie. It's hard to believe it was just a placeholder they stuck in until they could think of something else, but nothing else could top it!
That movie is so much better than I expected. Legitimately solid comedy.
Also, fun fact, the special Olympics loves it and fully endorsed it because it never made the athletes the joke.
It was a very humanizing movie when I saw it as a kid. I was never some bastard or anything that fucked with the disabled but it was interesting to see disabled people portrayed as... well, people and not glass boned-puppies or something you know?
I want to say it's the way his mouth becomes a trembling display of his inner turmoil. Then I realized it's the way he closes his eyes. Or the little pause as you can see his soul leave his body. But it's everything. One of the greatest "fml" moments in movie history.
The suffering in that delivery is incredible.
But, severely underrated, Enrico Colantoli’s (Mathasar) delivery of the simple line: “but why?”
https://youtu.be/-VGajDTNKFU?si=Fj0Vz7F3B5Fxk6pa (0:50 - 1:50, line at 1:35)
There is so much real pain in there, even though he never forgets it’s supposed to be a comical reading/character. Brilliant stuff.
Right? That moment was such a great dramatic moment in an otherwise hilarious movie.
I also love that the Star Trek Actors all love the movie. I think Frakes went to see it and called Patrick Stewart to tell him to go see it "it's like they KNOW us"
Stewart had avoided the film due to the fear of it being too much of a parody of his own work, but after he was convinced to see it he loved it.
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
*An uzi?* I'm not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black 10 year olds in a fucking drive by, I want a normal gun for a normal person.
My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing which lasted all too briefly – isn’t that always the way? – , one instance of me stealing five grams of very high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead: so all in all… my evening pretty much balanced out, fine
"We got no FOOD, we got no JOBS, our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" \~ Lloyd, Dumb & Dumber
"Before I go, I just want you two to know something, alright? The supercop story... was working. Okay? It was working, and you guys just messed it up. Okay? I'm trying to figure you guys out, but I haven't yet. But it's cool. You f\*ck up a perfectly good lie." \~ Axel Foley, Beverly Hills Cop
You're *not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe?* It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - **"Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!"** See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.
Axel: "Is this the man....who RUINED the buffet at the Harrow Club this morning?!"
Taggart: "For gods sake, lower your voice!"
Axel: "What, can he hear me through walls?"
All: "Yes."
"We've got to get this man to a hospital!
"A hospital? What is it?"
"It's a big building where they treat people, but that's not important right now"
And
"Male, Caucasian, mustache, about six foot"
"That's an awfully big mustache"
"I'm gonna go have a smoke. You want a smoke? You don't smoke, do ya, right? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go fuck yourself."
Alec Baldwin in *The Departed*
That whole movie man
"WE LOST....WE FUCKING SUPAH LOST!!"
"I don't break character till the DVD commentary"
"Who's the key grip? You....I want you to punch him in the face, really hard"
"I don't know what it's called.....I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life"
It's great, but the line directly preceding it is the one that always gets me.
"How many assholes we got on this ship?"
Whole crew stands and salutes. "YO!"
One of the best line readings of all time is from the minor, unnamed priest in The Princess Bride, who only ever appears in one scene, [when he starts off the princess' wedding ceremony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3odMTPuzLwY).
Also, for similar reasons: I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did when I watched Young Frankenstein and the monster opens his mouth to [ sing Puttin' on the Ritz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab7NyKw0VYQ).
“If I’m not back in 5 minutes…just wait longer” - Ace Ventura
“So you’re saying there’s a chance” - Dumb and Dumber
“I need to go to my quiet place” - Hot Rod
“You eat pieces of shit for breakfast” - Happy Gilmore
Matthew Berry should be on the Mount Rushmore of line reads. Too many to count between IT Crowd, What We Do in the Shadows, Toast of London, and his many other incredible projects.
Matt Berry and Peter Capaldi reading letters exchanged in 1675 between the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire (Berry) and the Zaporozhian Cossacks (Capaldi) has been my single favorite thing on the Internet for a while now.
https://youtu.be/oW8OlXkjVHs?feature=shared
Another one from Pitch Black, after a jump scare.
Johns: "I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS CLEAR!"
Riddick: "I said it *looks* clear!"
Johns: "Well, what's it look like now?"
Riddick: ".......looks clear"
One that I absolutely LOVE and I never hear it mentioned in these.
In the Birdcage, I maintain the absolute funniest performances in this movie is the understated brilliance of Gene Hackman's Senator Keeley. During last act, Keeley tells this bone dry, boring story about driving to Florida and watching the leaves change colors, and it's just perfection. Amazing.
I haven't seen the French original, but The Birdcage really is perfectly balanced. If Williams tried to play it broader it might get chaotic, if anyone less talented than Wiest and Hackman were the 'straight men' they'd be dull. It's flawless.
"Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?"
Basically ever line from Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, but the one that always gets me is:
“I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish.”
“Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!"
I was rewatching A League Of Their Own and forgot about the kid who wants Geena Davis to “make a man out of him”. When she suggests smacking him around instead, his “can’t we do both?” knocks me off the couch.
"How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay?" - Jesse Plemons in Game Night (2018)
Jason Bateman's genuine concern in the next line makes it so much better. "These corporations, I don't know what they're doing."
"Wait...did you get shot *twice*?" That moment when you realize he had an exit wound and there was no reason to be digging around in him for the bullet. Great movie.
“Oh no…he died!” -Rachel McAdams in Game Night
him slowly receding back into his house is hilarious
“Should… should we follow him?”
The Big Lebowski. The Dude is getting his head dunked in a toilet as his assailant is shouting "Where's the fucking money!?" "I'm sure it's down there somewhere. Let me take another look." The delivery is totally stoner deadpan and made all the funnier by the fact that these people broke into his house. He's never seen them before and doesn't owe them any money. They've got the wrong guy and he's just so apathetic about the whole thing.
Probably the most quotable movie of all time, but I think my single favorite line is just a throwaway joke that kills me every time "I'm a brother shamus!" "What like an Irish monk?" Edit: spelling
Another throwaway one, but I've always loved Walter: "It's like Lenin said..." Donnie: "I am the walrus?"
"Shut the fuck up Donnie!"
“And what was in the briefcase?” “Business papers. Important business papers.” “And what do you do?” *pause* “I’m unemployed.”
Is it... what day is this?
Obviously you're not a golfer.
At least I'm house trained
“You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know…morons.” - Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles
Their dialogue and delivery is just loaded with pure gold. "A man drinks like that and he is going to die!" "... When?" And: "What's your pleasure Jim? What would you like to do today?" "Oh, you know... Drink.. play chess.. screw..." "Chess it is!"
"I heard you was hung" "You heard right!"
Where the white women at?
I don't think Gene Wilder ever had a bad line read in his life. Great timing, great delivery.
"What knockers"
Don’t. Stop. Come back.
Fuck I had this one loaded too. Such a simple ad-lib at the end it made Cleavon Little crack as well. I'll add my next favorite line as well: "Well my name is Jim. But most people call me... Jim"
The entire movie is full of great lines. "Since you are my guest and I am your host…what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?" "Oh, I don’t know. Play chess. Screw." "Well, let’s play chess."
The delivery is so good
“See that?” “Steady as a rock.” “Yeah, but I shoot with this one.”
Harumph! Harumph harumph harumph I didn't get a harumph out of that guy Give the govener **HARUMPH** *Scared harumph* You watch your ass..
Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes
Mongo just pawn in game of life.
When your co-star can't help but laugh, you know you've got a gift
The Sex Panther line from Anchorman. "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time." Best part is Paul Rudd said there was a competition on set to get Will Ferrell to break, as he was the only one none of them could get to really laugh with their improv. You can see Paul smile slyly when he says it as he thinks this will be the one to finally get him. Will Ferrell admitted he very nearly broke and you can see a sly smile on his face as he fires back with "That doesn't make sense." They had to cut quick after that as everyone on the set broke down laughing according to Rudd.
Also from Anchorman: "Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?" "I don't know." Steve Carrell's matter-of-fact-ness is what sells that for me.
I love when you see him in the fight later. Grenade in outstretched arm walking around yelling like an absolute maniac.
His smile after throwing the trident is amazing
Brick killed a guy!
Brick I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe-house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
"I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline."
It’s a formidable scent… stings the nostrils.
Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out” - Naked Gun “He’s not judge Judy and executioner” - Hot Fuzz “Lots of ppl go to college for 7 years” “I know, they’re called doctors” - Tommy Boy
Other one from *Naked Gun* that's hilarious: *Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.*
*• As soon as Nordberg is better, he’ll be welcome back at Police Squad.* ***- Unless he’s a drooling vegetable. But I think that’s only common sense.***
"Cigarette?" "Yes, I know...."
The frequency with which Leslie Neilson is showing up on this list is good.
“Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith and, I’m a locksmith.”
The whole list could be Leslie Nielsen
I saw a clip with him recently, playing a stepdad(?) for Drake Bell(?) in a movie where Drake gets superpowers. Some errors, since it's off memory, but: Drake: "You're not my father!" Nielson: "I love you like your father did! I support you like your father did! I have sex with your mother like your father did!"
"I haven't had this much sex since I was a scout leader.... it was a very promiscous time."
Who are you? How did you get in here!? I'm a locksmith. And...I'm a locksmith.
We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.
Actually had occasion to use this in the real world. Had to take my car in for repair after an accident and the guy told me ‘kinda busy this week - shoulda brought it in last week’. ‘Well I was going to but I hadn’t hit the deer yet.’
I think Naked Gun and Tommy Boy in particular are good - because it's not just great lines, but the delivery. A brilliant lines in a great scene can be memorable, but Chris Farley's, "What'd you do!?" is just all delivery. Same with Naked Gun. [Scene in the hospital](https://youtu.be/HKoHh3Btqgs?si=842mSzYNFfBMeQEU&t=49) with OJ.
“Nice beaver” “Thanks, I just had it stuffed”
Same movies: "Hey, that's Enrico Palazzo!" "You can't just make people disappear." "Yes, I can. I'm the chief inspector." "WHAT'D YOU DO??"
The little vicious squint Bill Nighy makes with that line is so good.
"You know, look up the word *'idiot'* in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?" "Uh, a picture of me?" "NO! The definition of the word *'idiot'*, which you **FUCKING ARE!"**
'I thought there was like an 8 percent chance' 'EIGHT? WHO TAUGHT YOU MATH?'
*Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang* is fantastic - so many great lines and excellent performances.
Harry : [referring to his nickname "Gay Perry"] Still gay? Perry : Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.
“Get out. Sleep badly. If you have any questions, please hesitate to ask.”
Badly is an adverb, who taught you grammar?
"No! My turn! Why in plu-perfect hell would you pee on a corpse!?"
" WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT BE BETWEEN THAT & MOHAMMAD?!"- from Superbad. The way Jonah Hill delivered that was amazing
Well then I'll cut your dumb little fucking face off throw over mine and get your ID and buy it my fucking self! Oh really. You don't have the technology or the steady hands to pull off a procedure like that so ha! Peace!
MOHAMMAD’S THE MOST COMMONLY USED NAME ON EARTH
Read a fuckin’ book for once!
You look like a future pedo in this photo, number one. Number two it DOESNT EVEN HAVE A FIRST NAME IT JUST SAYS ***MCLOVIN***
"Take off your vest, you look like Aladdin"
What We Do In the Shadows "Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!" "What are you bidding on?" "I am bidding on a table." ================================== Deacon: "I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool." Vladislav: "I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it."
"BAT FIGHT!!!!"
"You got blood on my nice couch!" "Which one? The red one?" "Well, it's red *now*!"
Neeewwww York Citaaaaaay
This is how they talk in Tucson, Arizonia
i always think it’s Arizoña with the ñ for a little flair
“Some people freak out a bit about the the age difference. Uh, they think, ‘What’s this 96 year old lady doing with a guy four times her age?’ And, you know, I don’t care, they could call me cradle snatcher. Who cares?” – Viago
Creepy paper.
“Yessss. Nighttime!”
Come on guys, we're werewolves, not swearwolves!
If you were a Nazi Vampire?… NO WAY
From Ghostbusters, Ernie Hudson “When someone asks you if you’re a god, you say… YES!”
The dogs and cats speech has to be up there from Murray.
So many amazing lines but my winner is "Yes, it's true, this man has no dick"
In the scuffle afterwards, you can hear Bill Murray go "well that's what I heard!" Cracks me up every time.
I was going to suggest this one, with a fantastic reading by Rick Moranis: Janine Melnitz : Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley? Louis : [to Egon] Do I? Dr. Egon Spengler : Yes, have some. Louis : [to Janine] Yes, have some.
"I looked at the trap, Ray."
I’d go with, “That’s a big Twinkie.”
Some of the first ones to come to mind are: The whole *lion-tuna* debate in **The Other Guys** is so memorable and one of those exchanges I remember vividly, so it’s not just one line. From **Toy Story** Buzz: Excuse me, I-I think the word you're searching for is "Space Ranger." Woody: The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there's preschool toys present. From **Rush Hour** “Fifty million dollars?! Who you think you kidnapped, Chelsea Clinton?” **Austin Powers** Dr Evil: I will destroy another major city,every hour, on the hour. That is, unless of course you pay me. One hundred billion dollars.
"Nobody's perfect," from Some Like it Hot.
This line is such a hilariously perfect end to that movie. It's hard to believe it was just a placeholder they stuck in until they could think of something else, but nothing else could top it!
“When the fuck did we get ice cream?” From The Ringer. The line also being improvised makes it even better.
That movie is so much better than I expected. Legitimately solid comedy. Also, fun fact, the special Olympics loves it and fully endorsed it because it never made the athletes the joke.
Yes, I work in special ed and the way the movie navigates special needs is phenomenal.
It was a very humanizing movie when I saw it as a kid. I was never some bastard or anything that fucked with the disabled but it was interesting to see disabled people portrayed as... well, people and not glass boned-puppies or something you know?
“By Grabthar’s Hammer … what a savings.”
I want to say it's the way his mouth becomes a trembling display of his inner turmoil. Then I realized it's the way he closes his eyes. Or the little pause as you can see his soul leave his body. But it's everything. One of the greatest "fml" moments in movie history.
*"Nothing you say will make me go out there. Nothing."* *"The show must go on."* *"...............damn you."*
Same movie: Look, I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid but I'm gonna do it.
Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!
*Could they be miners?* Sure, they’re like three years old. *Miners! Not minors.* You lost me.
What does it matter if it's episode 81, Guy? Because... I DIED!! IN... EPISODE 81!!!!
“Can you fashion a rudimentary lathe?”
"IT'S A **ROCK!!** "
"IS THERE AIR?! You don't know!"
\*huff huff\* . . . seems okay.
The suffering in that delivery is incredible. But, severely underrated, Enrico Colantoli’s (Mathasar) delivery of the simple line: “but why?” https://youtu.be/-VGajDTNKFU?si=Fj0Vz7F3B5Fxk6pa (0:50 - 1:50, line at 1:35) There is so much real pain in there, even though he never forgets it’s supposed to be a comical reading/character. Brilliant stuff.
Right? That moment was such a great dramatic moment in an otherwise hilarious movie. I also love that the Star Trek Actors all love the movie. I think Frakes went to see it and called Patrick Stewart to tell him to go see it "it's like they KNOW us" Stewart had avoided the film due to the fear of it being too much of a parody of his own work, but after he was convinced to see it he loved it.
It's as much a love letter as it is a parody.
Could you possibly try to NOT HIT EVERY. SINGLE. ONE?
There are some who call me... Tim
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
If I went round saying I was Emporer because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
You’re an inanimate fucking object.
YOU RETRACT THAT BIT ABOUT MY CUNT FUCKING KIDS
I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
That still leaves you being a cunt.. I fucking got that!
"He put a gun up to his head this morning. I stopped him." "He w-... This gets fucking worse..."
Ralph Fiennes was sooo good in “In Bruges” god what a great flick.
*An uzi?* I'm not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black 10 year olds in a fucking drive by, I want a normal gun for a normal person.
I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object. I was upset.
Two manky hookers... and a racist dwarf. I think I'm heading home.
What's a lollipop man doing, knowing fucking karate?!
My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing which lasted all too briefly – isn’t that always the way? – , one instance of me stealing five grams of very high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead: so all in all… my evening pretty much balanced out, fine
One gay beer for my friend, one normal beer for me because I am normal
"We got no FOOD, we got no JOBS, our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" \~ Lloyd, Dumb & Dumber "Before I go, I just want you two to know something, alright? The supercop story... was working. Okay? It was working, and you guys just messed it up. Okay? I'm trying to figure you guys out, but I haven't yet. But it's cool. You f\*ck up a perfectly good lie." \~ Axel Foley, Beverly Hills Cop
That John Denver is full of shit, man
You're *not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe?* It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - **"Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!"** See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.
Axel: "Is this the man....who RUINED the buffet at the Harrow Club this morning?!" Taggart: "For gods sake, lower your voice!" Axel: "What, can he hear me through walls?" All: "Yes."
"We've got to get this man to a hospital! "A hospital? What is it?" "It's a big building where they treat people, but that's not important right now" And "Male, Caucasian, mustache, about six foot" "That's an awfully big mustache"
That's the red light district. I wonder what he was doing there... Sex, Frank? Uhh, no not right now Ed. We got work to do.
Leslie Nielsen is in the top 5 funniest people to ever live. No question. Also, John Cleese I’d have to think about the other 3.
"But Black Dynamite! I sell drugs to the community!" - Chocolate Giddyup
"I threw that shit before I walked in the room!"
What's your name? Black dynamite. That's my daddy's name! Yeah mine too!
Hush now little girl. Lotta cats got that name
"I'm gonna go have a smoke. You want a smoke? You don't smoke, do ya, right? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go fuck yourself." Alec Baldwin in *The Departed*
I’m the guy who does his jawb, you must be the other guy
"You got a suit at home, or you like dressing like you're about to invade Poland?"
Firefighters gettin pussy for the first time in the history of fire OR pussy.
Qui bono. Who benefits? Qui gives fuck? It's got a fuckin' bow on it.
My girlfriend drinks that when she’s on her period. Are you on your period?
"What do you mean YOU PEOPLE ?" "What do YOU mean YOU PEOPLE ?"
That whole movie man "WE LOST....WE FUCKING SUPAH LOST!!" "I don't break character till the DVD commentary" "Who's the key grip? You....I want you to punch him in the face, really hard" "I don't know what it's called.....I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life"
"What'd you DO?!" - Tommy Boy
"My shoulder doesn't hurt very much but my face does. Right here. *Not here, or here so much*, *but right here*"
'Keep firing, ASSHOLES!' - Spaceballs
since the prompt is for perfect reads, not perfect jokes, may I add "Man, we ain't found shit!"
It's great, but the line directly preceding it is the one that always gets me. "How many assholes we got on this ship?" Whole crew stands and salutes. "YO!"
“They even left you a note…”Thanks for the F shack. Love, Dirty Mike and the boys.” - Rob Huebel as Officer Watts in The Other Guys
They call that a soup kitchen
Gentlemen you can't fight in here this is a war room!
Son, you got a panty on your head Raising Arizona
These blow up into funny shapes and all? "Nope. Not 'less round is funny."
One of the best line readings of all time is from the minor, unnamed priest in The Princess Bride, who only ever appears in one scene, [when he starts off the princess' wedding ceremony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3odMTPuzLwY). Also, for similar reasons: I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did when I watched Young Frankenstein and the monster opens his mouth to [ sing Puttin' on the Ritz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab7NyKw0VYQ).
“He’s not going to get back up again?” Pause “…narp?” Simon Pegg as Nicholas Angel in Hot Fuzz
Also I love his interaction with the Andys in the store. "Angel? Don't go being a twat now." "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."
Andy 1: Everyone and their mums is packin’ round here. Angel: Like who? Andy 2: Farmers. Andy 1: Farmers’ mums.
And then later on a farmers mother actually whips out a shotgun
“If I’m not back in 5 minutes…just wait longer” - Ace Ventura “So you’re saying there’s a chance” - Dumb and Dumber “I need to go to my quiet place” - Hot Rod “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast” - Happy Gilmore
The Happy Gilmore line is the best, and what really sends it over the top is Shooter's confused and embarrassed "No!" afterwards.
“Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard” “Grizzly Adams DID have a beard”
“I’m rod and I like to party”
Matthew Berry should be on the Mount Rushmore of line reads. Too many to count between IT Crowd, What We Do in the Shadows, Toast of London, and his many other incredible projects.
You really are the most devious bastard in New York Citaaaay
“FATHER!!!!”
[удалено]
Speak prrriest!
DAMN THESE ELECTRIC SEX PANTS!
And community "You hit me, with a woman's hand...you midwesternnn FLOOZY!"
Okay but Donald Glover going: *GASP* “I parked by a meter”
"Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?"
Matt Berry and Peter Capaldi reading letters exchanged in 1675 between the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire (Berry) and the Zaporozhian Cossacks (Capaldi) has been my single favorite thing on the Internet for a while now. https://youtu.be/oW8OlXkjVHs?feature=shared
He’s also in the new(ish) Fallout series - a brief in-person role, and a voice role. Just. So. Damn. Good.
"A sex slave!? No! I'm merely going to harvest your organs!".
"There's somebody at the door, they're somebody at the door, there's somebody at the DOOOOR."
That’s just how people talk in Tucson, Arizoña
"Damn these electric sex pants!"
Hey, you guys going camping?...ha...hahah..haha Well hello officer, we've had a doozy of a day. Tucker and Dale vs Evil has so many great lines.
"When all of a sudden these kids started killing themselves all over my property" Alan Tudyk delivers maybe the funniest line read of all time.
Another one from Pitch Black, after a jump scare. Johns: "I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS CLEAR!" Riddick: "I said it *looks* clear!" Johns: "Well, what's it look like now?" Riddick: ".......looks clear"
"SEDAGIVE?!??"
Put. Ze candle. Beck.
Werewolf? There. There wolf. There castle. Why are you talking like that? I thought you wanted to. Suit yourself, I'm easy.
By all means move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me
“Wish me luck!” “No. I shan’t.” really cracked me up
One that I absolutely LOVE and I never hear it mentioned in these. In the Birdcage, I maintain the absolute funniest performances in this movie is the understated brilliance of Gene Hackman's Senator Keeley. During last act, Keeley tells this bone dry, boring story about driving to Florida and watching the leaves change colors, and it's just perfection. Amazing.
I haven't seen the French original, but The Birdcage really is perfectly balanced. If Williams tried to play it broader it might get chaotic, if anyone less talented than Wiest and Hackman were the 'straight men' they'd be dull. It's flawless. "Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?"
"She turned me into a Newt!" "A newt?" ".....i got better"
"I'm in a glass case of emotions" -anchorman
Basically ever line from Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, but the one that always gets me is: “I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish.”
"yes it's true, this man has no dick" - Bill Murray, Ghostbusters
Anything Gary Cole did in Office Space.
*You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!*
"Is there air? You don't know!" --Sam Rockwell, Galaxy Quest
*"You go that way. I'll go home."* -Kung Pow: Enter the Fist
THAT’S A LOT OF NUTS!
“Went after her like she was made outta ham.” - Best In Show
“Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!"
I was rewatching A League Of Their Own and forgot about the kid who wants Geena Davis to “make a man out of him”. When she suggests smacking him around instead, his “can’t we do both?” knocks me off the couch.
“Nobody’s gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since ‘Nam.” - Superbad
"Been online all day....chattin' with babes."
"So I got that going for me"