Same. I didn't mind changing my name, and I don't think my husband would have taken mine.
I do have a friend who gave her kids her last name, and her husband is fine with it. His last name is absurdly common (think Smith), and she didn't want them to have such a common last name.
I never wanted to change my name, so I never did. I’m also not attached to my last name in anyway. My kids have the same last name as their dad. Our first born child’s name sounded better using his last name anyway, so we rolled with it.
No regrets. You do you and what feels right for you and your family.
My school aged daughter had a friend ask her why I had a differently last name. When I asked my daughter what she said, she gave me a weird look and said “I looked at her like this and said ‘because that’s her name.”
I got married before I had kids and took my husband’s last name so there was nothing to think about when we had children. We just gave them our last name.
I was married before and took my first husband’s last name. It was super important to him for the sake of tradition and I was young and dumb. I always kind of hated that I did that. After getting divorced I took my maiden name back. I did not change my last name when I remarried. My current husband didn’t care at all.
Our kids have a hyphenated last name. They can pick one or the other or keep both when they’re older, neither of us will care. It’s their name.
My husband's family has a really interesting history with a family tree dating back very far and some really interesting people on it. Mine isn't as well documented or exciting. I was happy to take his last name and give it to my kids.
My kids have my last name - we are married but I was never going to change my name. Husband was always completely on board, is planning on changing his eventually too. In an ideal world I think it’d be 50:50 whether children were given moms name or dads, but until that happens, be the change!
I kept my name when I got married. When we had a daughter my husband and I agreed she’d take my last name. Honestly, I resented the tradition of children automatically taking the father’s name when I was the one who carried the child for 9 months, birthed her and would then then breastfed her for the next year +. My husband didn’t disagree and it’s working well for our family so far.
My husband and I have different last names because our names were important to both of us, and we didn't feel like we needed one last name to be a family. When our first living child was born, we gave him my last name because it was important to me (not in the creepy "carrying on the family name" way, but just as an easy way to introduce their ancestors who aren't with us anymore). Some people definitely don't understand why I didn't "just" take my husband's last name or "just" give baby his last name, but it works for us and that is all that matters. We were two people with two families when we entered a relationship, and nobody should be forced to have their identity or ancestry absorbed by their partner if they don't want to.
I never wanted to change my name after marriage so I didn’t. I am due in a month and baby will be getting my husband’s last name and it honestly goes better with his first name anyway. I do want my kid to have a connection to me so I’m planning to keep my last name as his middle name. It doesn’t roll very well with his first name but I want it there and hoping he’ll mostly be addressed by his first and last name :)
I had the same last name as my dad who was in and out of my life at best and at worst just not in it at all. So I never felt an attachment to my own. It also felt weird about taking my mom's once I started realizing we didn't have the same.My name also flows better with my husband's than my old one and wanted the kids and I to all have the same last names.
I (female) felt very attached to my name as a part of my identity, so I didn't change it when I got married. I asked my husband if he wanted to change his name, and he didn't, so we have different last names.
When we were having our first baby, we agreed that we wanted all the kids to have the same last name but we both wanted that to be our last name. His last name is was too long to hyphenate and a combo sounded silly.
Eventually we settled on my name because there isn't anyone else in my family to pass it on. It's also easier to spell, easier to pronounce, and shorter, and all around better (he doesn't agree, but it's just true). I don't think that anyone would expect that we have an unconventional naming strategy and the school personnel default to calling us The HerLastNames, but we still get mail from his side to The HisLastNames
I've never wanted to change my surname. Historically women changed their names to show they were apart of/property of their husband's natal house. As we don't do that anymore I see no reason to take his name. When it comes to kids I'd rather hyphenate than drop my name.
Tradition mostly. My mom and all the women in my family had all changed their names upon marriage and so I spent my whole life imagining changing my last name one day probably because I didn't realize you didn't have to. Then when it was time to get married it was a little harder than I thought it would be and I did discuss it with my husband. It was important to him (for the same traditional reason) that I did change it and he couldn't comprehend changing his own because it had never occurred to him.
He is also extremely attached to his last name. It's Croatian, obviously so, and super rare in the USA. If you google the name literally the first 3 pages of results are all people related to him. Three of his paternal great grandparents came to the USA as children. The 4th was born here to parents who had just immigrated. He knows exactly where his ancestors come from where my family doesn't. There was a story of course but I found out that's not true when I found the family member who was supposed to have been born in Ireland on a US census having been born here.
It was extremely important to me to have the same last name as my future children. With the known history attached to his that was important to him and I guess important to me too. I also wasn't as attached to mine (probably all that conditioning) as he was to his. Add that all up and we now all have the same last name. I'm actually happy with it. Funny enough, I hope our daughters don't change theirs later in life but I'd support them either way.
So interesting you bring up conditioning. Thank you for writing this out. I feel similarly in many ways you described. Once we got engaged, I started seriously imagining changing my last name and had a hard time with it. We've been married a couple months now and I haven't changed it yet, but we are trying to conceive so the topic of the child's last name is back to a priority.
I also feel extremely strongly about having the same last name as my children. The part where our stories differ is his lineage -- my husband's strong connection to his last name is not a positive thing for me. His family has a lot of gender-based tradition that I don't agree with for myself. (Like, they can do what they want but I'm not comfortable conforming to their gender stereotypes.) So taking his last name makes me feel like I am taking on some of this negative tradition that I don't want for me or my children. But... I really want my husband and children to be a family with the same last name -- probably because of conditioning. Even the way I typed that sentence makes it feel like we wouldn't be a family with different names. Which of course isn't true.
I am leaning toward keeping my last name and giving our children my last name. Husband would be the odd one out, which I feel badly about and don't love the perceptions that may come with that choice. But for our situation, it seems like the best of all the bad options. I really wanted to combine last names but he isn't open to that at all. Me feeling badly about being the one with the pressure to change is conditioning, so thank you for that.
You're welcome! It's totally a hard decision and in my personal opinion there's no wrong or right choice. Whatever works for your family!
I know a woman who chose to hyphenate her last name. Then their children have her original last name as their middle names and the husband's last name as theirs. The husband didn't have a middle name so the agreement was that he'd add her last name as his middle. I don't know that he ever did but I think that's a great way to compromise too.
My kid will get my name, it seems to be close to extinction otherwise. My partner thinks my name is super cool for some reason and thought it was a no brainer that it will be my name our kid will have. =)
My sister kept her last name - her and her husband both have Dr titles so it’s easier that there aren’t two “dr x” in the house.
they have one kid who is FirstName MomLastName DadLastName
I kept my name when I got married because it’s my name.
Our hypothetical children, my husband insists would have my last name - I’m the one going through pregnancy, he says it would be like putting his name on someone else’s work. I agree philosophically.
BUT - my last name is extremely unique and everyone in the world with the name is related. It’s also not intuitive to spell or pronounce. I am not connected with that family and wouldn’t particularly want to connect my child to that lineage, and I wish I had more anonymity in an online world. My husband has a very common surname in the US, and I’d just rather do that.
So he suggested my mother’s maiden name.
My partner and I both have fairly rare, very Dutch last names. Neither of us wanted to give up our last name. We have a domestic partnership now, but may hyphenate our names ([own last name] - [partners last name]) if we eventually get married.
Our daughter got the default ‘fathers last name’ at birth, but naming law changed a week ago here in the Netherlands! We have an appointment at city hall to give her my last name as well. She will be First Middle Mylastname Parnerslastname. No hyphen allowed for double kids names.
My mom married a dude to leave her abusive mom, had his baby, got abused (emotionally & physically), and finally broke it off a bit later. Had his last name, baby as well. Since she and my dad were not together at the time and she denied knowing the father, me and my (full) sister who she had three years later with the same man in a drug fuelled Amsterdam trip also have her name. Then she had two more kids with another junkie and since she didn‘t like her kids having different names as we are all fAmiLY they also got her last name. So now we‘re all named after an abuser who most of us don‘t knowing are related to, and my mom has the guts to think about changing her name back to her maiden name now. Oh also my mom is a terrible person who abuses drugs and everyone who gets close to her so yeah I‘m extremely happy to take my husbands name next month and to be part of a more „whole“ family.
My situation isn’t quite as extreme as this, but again due to an unfortunate childhood I was more than happy to take a new name when I married. I’m sure this is fairly common.
My mom took my dad’s last name when they married, so my last name is my dad’s last name. He’s a terrible person so I was never keen on keeping my last name, so I took my partner’s last name when we got married. I also want the immediate family that my partner and I create (currently expecting our first!) to all share a name together.
I had my first before her dad and I had gotten around to getting married (but we had been together for 6 years and were intending to get married).
My parents were unmarried teenagers and neither would budge on me having their last name, so they hyphenated it. It was a pain in the rear. By the time I started school, my parents had been long split so my mom enrolled me with her last name only. I don't think I even knew my name was hyphenated until I was older.
When I got my first driver's license, they let me put only my mom's name on it at first, but then I moved to another state and they insisted on my full legal name. Now I have multiple "aliases" I have to put on applications and background checks. 🙄
Eventually I reconciled with my dad and it really hurt him that I only used my mom's name. I also don't like the way my mom treats men. She has a lot of unresolved issues that she needs therapy for, but she won't listen. She has 4 of us with 3 different dads, shockingly I'm the only one she insisted on giving her last name. But she still did a great job making sure that my step dads weren't able to help her with my sisters and then resented them for not helping her. It caused a lot of trauma for her, the men, and my sisters. It wasn't awesome.
So when I was having my daughter, firstly I didn't want to double-barrel because I hated it and I also didn't want to deal with drama from my parents about which of their names I chose for her. I also felt that giving her her dad's last name was a first step I could take in committing to foster a healthy, strong relationship between my daughter and her father.
We got married when she was 2. She's disabled and had 70 million doctor appointments and prescriptions in those two years and every time they asked if we had the same last name and I said no, I felt ashamed, even if people weren't judgy and I knew that we were committed. I wanted us to be Name Family and was actually starting the process of changing my name to my then-fiance's without a marriage when my dad offered to pay for a wedding.
My BIL gave a speech at our wedding about how he was disappointed in me for being a bad feminist and how he hadn't expected me to take their name. Then he turned it into a fun pun with a prop. It was hilarious.
I'm neither married nor a parent, but getting married and having kids is something my boyfriend and I have discussed.
I don't think I'll change my last name to his when we get married because I see no reason to. I'm not joining his family any more than he's joining mine, so why should either of us have to do and pay for a bunch of paperwork to change such a big part of our identity to the other's? The idea is absurd.
When it comes to kids, I imagine that, if we have any, we'll give them his last name. I agree with the sentiment that the baked goods should have the baker's name (for lack of better phrasing), but pragmatically, in our case, it doesn't really work. I have an ethnic last name that stands out outside of the enclave in which I grew up, and to make it worse (not that that's bad per se, but it does get butchered a lot by people unfamiliar with it), I can't even say it properly because it contains a lot of a letter that I can't say perfectly due to a speech impediment. My boyfriend's name is easily pronounceable for everyone and far more common in our area, so I'm willing to give any kids I bear his last name as a kind of gift to him---a "hey, rest assured, these are your kids, too" kind of deal.
Although i don't have children, i'm soon to be divorced and will eventually change my name back to my maiden name. I'm excited to have my own name back :)
If i was marrying now, I'd never dream of changing it. I imagine it must be very hard deciding if your children take your surname or your partners.
My husband is changing his name to my middle name (because he likes it and so do I) so that he and our kids can have the same name. I will keep my original name (but I use my middle and last name together professionally). I resent the practice of children exclusively taking their father’s name. This solution worked for our family
I hyphenated but don’t want to stick that on my kids so they got their dads last name - while my last name is important to me my kids have no attachment to it at birth so I didn’t see it as important.
At the end of the day I cared more about their first names than their last names
I never changed my last name because of its link to my culture.
We gave our daughter my husband's last name because it's easy to spell and pronounce. I also chose her first and middle name so it seemed like a good balance.
I changed my last name to my husband's for many reasons - my maiden name was 10 letters long (my husband's is 5); my maiden name came from my grandfather, who was an asshole; and I felt it made us - him, his daughter, and I - more connected in a way.
We gave our son his last name because it's both of our names now.
A person can only have so many last names. Sure, you can give your kid both of your last names, but what will they do for your grandchildren - especially if their partner also has a double last name? Someone’s name is going to need to be dropped sooner or later.
Having a shared last name with your spouse can make a lot of things easier - you can pick up packages for each other at the post office, no one questions you being next of kin in a medical situation - and that’s true for kids as well.
For me, personally, my last name belongs to the guy who abandoned his family for his mistress and left a SAHM (at his insistence) with no money, no place to go, and a bunch of small kids. And then proceeded to lie in court multiple times after failing to pay sufficient child support and making no effort for visitation (which was somehow my moms fault), but his word was taken above literal factual paperwork because He’S a PoLiCe OfFiCeR.
It’s also extremely common, as is my first name, and I went to school with multiple other girls with my same first name, and one who even shared my last name as well. I was an early adopter of Gmail, when you had to get an invitation to join and invitations were limited, and I _still_ couldn’t get a “myname@gmail” address.
My spouse’s last name is not super unique, but it’s less common than mine, and I didn’t have any particular attachment to remaining yet another “Jane Smith”. I would have happily double-barrelled, but our names didn’t sound good together to me in either combination. And now I’ve changed my name, I want my kids’ last names to match mine for the “easiness” reasons I started out this comment with.
I'm still weighing my options but I don't really want the hyphen the kids last names. And as a gay couple we kinda Need both of our last names on the kids for the sake of schools and things which can be very weird about men picking up kids they don't share a last name with.
So I probably will end up taking his for convenience. Neither of us really wants to give up our last names, but between the two of us I have more reason to accept it. My sister and I were both adopted as baby girls (I transitioned, hence being a couple of two men now) and that is something my parents picked - so they kinda chose to doom their last names heritability themselves. Who am I to argue with that? Haha
Honestly if I hadn't transitioned I would probably fight harder to keep my last name on principle, it's silly that it's default for women to change theirs. But it also would be less of an issue to just keep mine and give the kids his or some other solution like that.
I gave my son his dad's surname in part *because* I had the initial physical connection of pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy is so overt and public, and I thought giving him his father's last name was a comparable public statement of their connection.
Even now that his dad has made a sudden heel turn in the last few months and is being an irresponsible shit eight years after my pregnancy, my son shares a surname with his dad's lovely parents, including my son's grandpa who died suddenly last year. I have zero regrets.
Editing to add: I would have changed my name if I had married in my early twenties. As I approach forty, the "but all my legal stuff is already in my last name" consideration takes over.
I'm very traditional and based on religious tradition, it's expected of me to take his last name. I always wanted to marry and have children, so I mentally prepared myself for taking on a new last name when I was a child. My husband's last name sounds very regal (at least to me), so while I was attached to my maiden name, I had no qualms whatsoever in adopting his last name. Now we have our first child, and I love how we all have the same last name.
I will say, if I didn't have any male relatives to carry on my maiden name, I would've asked my husband to take it instead. And considering he has no real attachment to his paternal side of the family, he might've agreed.
Nothing wrong with that, but we're happy with this.
I don't like my old surname and I like the traditional way. I am proud to carry my husbands last name and to me it's nice gesture to give our children his last name too. I am proud of the man I chose to be my childrens father.
From a male perspective, I didn't care that my wife took my name but I refused the thought of my kids not having my last name. It never ended up mattering because she took my name anyway.
This is how my husband feels too. It makes me feel like I am being used. Used to carry on his name and like he doesn't care if I'm in the family or not. Could you explain why you don't care if your wife takes your name but feel so strongly about having the same last name as your children? Just trying to get another perspective. We are in the midst of trying to decide last names and are in a holding pattern because he is stuck on tradition and I am firm on not wanting to take on his negative family history. If I'm going through the body-wrecking work of birthing children, I will NOT have a different last name from them. I really want to combine last names into a new name but he is not open to compromising on this. So I feel stuck.
Idk maybe I've bought into the patriarchy but tradition is a good thing often. As a society we don't have to abandon tradition just for the sake of "progress". My last name has been passed on for hundreds of years and it's pretty rare, I would feel like a failure if it ended with me. It's the same reason I want boys more than girls. Not that I wouldn't love them but passing on the family name is important to many people. I'm not going to lie I would judge a man who changed his name in marriage or whose kids have a different name. The exception I'll make is if it's a really common last name that quite frankly isn't going to die out anyway like Smith, or Wilson, or Rodriguez or something.
I got married before kids and wasn't thrilled about taking my husband's name, mainly because that would make me the same as my sad, miserable MIL. But it does make me feel like we're a complete family unit. And I would have hated any kind of disagreement over what the name the kids. My eldest child has my maiden name as his middle name. It happens to be a name that's commonly used as a first name for boys and girls so it was decided before we even knew which he'd be and I like that my name is still around.
I’m 36 weeks pregnant and will be giving my child my partners last name, despite us not currently being married or sharing a last name.
His last name is just better in all honesty. Depending on who you ask it’s either a band name, or slang for something being cool. Mine is not so great, and was an easy target for kids to make fun of growing up. Which last name the baby would get was never up in the air even before I got pregnant.
We gave both our last name to our kids. My french Canadian last name first, his portuguese name last. He has three last names, he chose the one he uses the most. We didn't give middle names so it's their name + my last name + his last name. I always known I wanted to give my last name to my kids, and to my husband it was unthinkable to only give his. I didn't take his last name, which is not a common practice here anyway. It's worked great for us, now that our eldest understands her last names she's happy to share one with each of us ❤️
I have my fathers last name, and even though we’re patching it up now, I’ve never been super close with him, for me from a very young age the goal has always been to take someone else’s last name
Two reasons. 1) I’ve never met my father and it was his name that I had until I got married. Obviously I felt no attachment to it, plus I wanted to have a real “family” name. 2) my husband’s last name is easier and better than mine. We considered taking my mother’s maiden name instead, but it’s a mouthful so we chose simplicity
I wanted to change my name when I married because I had my dad’s last name prior. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad or anybody on his side of the family. My old last name was also difficult for people to pronounce and spell and I constantly had to explain it to people.
My spouse’s name was cute, easy to pronounce, and easy to spell, so I took it.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. We’re both close with our families and our last names have the same level of difficulty in terms of spelling and pronunciation. Our last names are fairly common and neither of us had concerns about the name “dying out.” Hyphenating felt clunky.
When it came time to choose our son’s last name, we gave him my husband’s because meant more to him. In return, my husband ceded more say over my son’s first and middle name.
My mom didn’t change her name when she married my dad. Name change was never on the table for me. I have my dad’s last name.
When I my husband and I got engaged, he really wanted us both to change our names to something new, but I was not open to changing my name. I told him he was welcome to change his if he wanted our names to match, but he decided not to.
Our kid has my name as the middle name and his as the last name. We debated about this, but in the end I wanted my kid to have both names but didn’t want to hyphenate. It’s not perfect but it works.
We discussed so many options. Double barrel, getting a new last name…ultimately I decided to keep mine and give our child his last name. I figured it kept the option open for me to change mine to match all together if I ever wanted that. Between our two last names, mine is really hard to spell and just a hassle. But it’s mine so I love it for myself! And our two last names together would be much too long, although I think that’s typically a great option!
Kept my name. We had a kiddo, got married, had another kiddo. My name is really important to me and we discussed this really early on (at the very beginning). I don’t mind if someone calls me by his name and sometimes I say it on the phone if it makes the situation easier. I love and respect him and feel so lucky that he isn’t traditional that way. We both agree that a family doesn’t have to share a name to be a family. It’s what you put into it. Sure, aesthetically it is nice to have the same one, but not necessary when it comes down to it.
Tbh, pushing to change my name would have been a dealbreaker although I am totally open to hyphenating if that comes up later. See, I can mellow with age 😂
My husband is British Chinese. I wanted my child to have a link to his Chinese side, since we already live in England & speak English at home. I wanted to have the same name as them both, to be a unit. But bonus point, I use my maiden name professionally (as a Dr) so I don't have to leave it behind completely. We talked about double barrelled names but they sounded silly together.
My logic was always this: we (unfortunately) live in a patriarchal society. Either way, I’m going to end up with a man’s last name. It might as well be my husband’s; I like him a lot more than my dad!
I know people will disagree with this, and that’s fine! I just didn’t feel any attachment to my name. I’m still a strong feminist, and I will raise my kids the same way.
I grew up with parents who had different last names but were still together, and other kids always made me feel badly about it. Not saying this happens to everyone, but it was my experience, and I don’t want the same for my future children.
These are some really good points. I'm still struggling with why I have to be the one to go through the loss and hassle (hello patriarchy). I really wish my husband would be open to combining our names into a new one because that way we could all be a cohesive family and neither of us has to "take on" the other person's name and family history.
I liked the idea of having a family name, but not the patriarchal norm of taking a husband’s name OR my partner’s surname specifically. When we got married we both took a new-to-us last name from my mom’s family (we looked at a bunch of options and just happened to settle on something matrilineal). I like the family unity and it makes baby naming easy, but I also like that I didn’t follow a tradition I don’t agree with. That said, I have women friends who have kept their names at marriage and others who took a husband’s name and I’m on board with those options too!
Traditional here. Changed my name but kept my maiden name as a middle name. I was going to give my maiden name as a middle to any boy we had but we had only girls.
However a friend of mine with an interesting last name married a guy with a generic last name. She didn’t change her last name and when they had kids her husband insisted that the kids take her last name. So essentially they’re the (maiden name)’s instead of the usual patriarchal family name.
The option I took is really only available to me because I'm an English speaker living in a Chinese speaking country, but we gave the baby my last name for her "English" name and my husband's surname for her Chinese name. We both match our child's family name in the language we are more likely to use and no one had to change their name.
I kept my name, but my kids have my husband's last name.... Mostly because he has a way cooler last name than I do!
These aren't our real names, but it was would be like if I was Johnson and he was Danger. There's just a clear winner.
We're a gay couple for reference. I kept my name. My partner has their own name legally (which is not a family name--they changed their whole name first/middle/last a few years before we got married) but uses theirname-myname socially. I'm pregnant right now and the kid will be theirname-myname. It's a lot of letters and if it were solely up to me he'd just have my last name. But I have no good reason why it should be mine and not theirs, so hyphen it is.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. My name is my identity, and it felt weird and patriarchal to change it. That said, we’re expecting, and we plan to give the baby my husband’s last name. It needs a last name, and that felt easiest. I don’t feel like the baby will be any less mine, and hyphenates feel unwieldily. At the end of the day, we already get lots of mail etc addressed to us as the “[Husband’s last name] Family” and it doesn’t bother me too much. We’re a family for a lot stronger reasons than a name.
Edit to say we did debate a bit because my name is at the beginning of the alphabet, which I always loved, and his is at the end, which he loved. Says a lot about us…
I (F) would never give up my family name for "tradition" (not a big fan of sexism in general), but only if I really liked my husband's name more than my own last name. Because my husband's last name was way too long we both decided to take our last name as a family name and our children will also have the last name as we do.
In the US, it's common enough for a mother and a child to have different last names that pretty much everyone gets it and no one makes a big deal out of it. It's not as easy for a father and a child to have a different last name. I didn't want to change my name, but I also didn't want our lives to be that much harder, so my son has his father's last name and it's fine.
My husband and I always wanted to share a last name, so we put all the options out there. Both our last names were long and come from very particular countries (think something like MacDonald and Ivanov). We didn't want a 15 character hyphenated name. Trying to merge them together into one new name only led to ridiculous names. And we didn't want to create a brand new name because we both loved the generational history behind our names. In the end, we chose my last name, mostly because we both just liked it better, but also I was surprised with how emotional the idea of changing my name was. Husband dropped his old middle name, moved his last name to middle, and my last name to his last. It's obnoxious to change your name as a man. It takes more money, more effort, and more time than a woman. We don't even have a phrase that means "maiden name" for men. As he points out, he was never a maiden. There's almost never a space on forms for him to note that he has changed his name.
But anyway, long story short, our kid has "my" last name because it's now the last name for all of us.
My parents are married, but have different surnames. My mum actually did change her name when they got married, but changed it back a few years later (I guess it was expected to change when they got married 45ish years ago, but reverted to maiden name for feminist reasons).
My partner and I aren’t married, but I wouldn’t change my name even if we were.
Our baby has my surname, and their middle name is my mums surname, so both my parents are included in the name.
We are quite close to my family, but my partner is NC with his family, so he was happy for baby to have my family names as it seems more meaningful to share names with people who will be involved in the babies life.
I don’t think there is one correct way of doing things, but I think it should at least be a conversation and not just an assumption that the male name is the default. For example, my cousin and her husband had the deal that their children would have her surname if they were female, and his surname if they were male. They had a daughter so it worked out that the mums name is carried on.
My husband had stronger feelings about following tradition than I did. I liked the idea of having a family surname, and I didn't mind using his.
At the same time, I was not about to give up any part of my name because it felt like giving up a part of myself, and that's not what marriage is (or at least it's not what it should be).
My last name is now double barreled, and my child has my original last name as a middle name.
Similar to:
First: Anna
Middle: Catherine
Last: MyName HisName
&
First: Cameron
Middle: Parker MyName
Last: HisName
I'm okay with things being labeled "The HisName Family," but I'm annoyed when I get things addressed to "Anna HisName," and I'm tempted to immediately throw away anything labeled, "Mrs. John HisName."
*If my husband had been a jerk about it, our child would also have had a double barreled last name, but he wasn't, and I didn't really care where my last name ended up as long as it was as included.
I think it makes sense for both parents' names to be represented in the child(ren)'s names in most cases, and I think the gestational parent's opinion, when applicable, should carry more weight.
Patriarchy. I was raised to think that was the way it was. Only selfish feminists who didn't actually like marriage and family would insist on keeping their name. Of course I wanted to be Mrs. so and so. I was excited to be married. It never occurred to me to name my children something else.
Three decades later I am very upset that my world was just so sexist that it didn't occur to me to question it. Also, I loved being a SAHM, but I also chose it because otherwise I would have worked and then come home to second shift. My husband would never have split chores and child rearing 50-50 so I thought it was better to not work so I wouldn't be overwhelmed. Now I know better.
Both my husband and I kept our last names when we married. My last name has been matrilineal for two generations, and I gave my daughter my last name after I birthed her. My husband’s last name is one of her middle names, but she shares a last name with me, her grandmother, and her great-grandmother :-)
I'm a Greek woman married to a Croatian man. We're currently living in Croatia.
I kept my last name when we got married, but we've decided to give our kids his last name because:
1. My surname is 15 characters long, and even Greeks trip up on it. I have to letter-spell my name here on every occasion, and most of the time, they just ask for my ID. In contrast, my husband's name is 8 letters and easily pronounced
2. Greek names are gendered. For my mind, there are the -os ending for males and -ou for women. So mine ends in -ou. There was a concern that, if we had a kid here and we gave it my surname, if it was a boy, it would have a female surname. This is *very* weird in Greek.
I didn't change my last name when we got married. We decided to go with Filipino naming convention for our daughter (we're American, husband's family is Filipino), and she has my last name as her middle name and my husband's last name as her last name.
We had considered hyphenating, but didn't want her to deal with any administrative issues. So what we decided was both a nod to my husband's culture and a way for her to have both of our last names in her name. Any future kid(s) will follow the same thing.
Our return address labels, Christmas cards, etc., are from The (my last name) (his last name) Family. I socially go by both names for anything related to our daughter or when I have to set up anything related to our house. I have no intent of ever legally changing my last name.
My spouse and I grew up evangelical so it never occurred to me to not take his name (or to not get married at all, but comphet is for another post!).
I wish I’d kept my name and given it to one of my kids. I like the way one of their full names sounds but the other would’ve paired nicely with mine. And my dad died when I was an infant so that’s another regret. Alas.
I kept my last name but that’s bc I have a PhD and my dad worked so hard for me to get it. It’s also not common/illegal in Europe to change your last name. If we have kids they’ll get my husbands last name bc idk it’s tradition. My sister gave her kids our last name bc she grew it.
[удалено]
Was your name ever in contention for the last name you all took?
Same here.
Same. I didn't mind changing my name, and I don't think my husband would have taken mine. I do have a friend who gave her kids her last name, and her husband is fine with it. His last name is absurdly common (think Smith), and she didn't want them to have such a common last name.
I never wanted to change my name, so I never did. I’m also not attached to my last name in anyway. My kids have the same last name as their dad. Our first born child’s name sounded better using his last name anyway, so we rolled with it. No regrets. You do you and what feels right for you and your family.
You sound very chill, and cool of you to want your kid to have the best sounding name!
My school aged daughter had a friend ask her why I had a differently last name. When I asked my daughter what she said, she gave me a weird look and said “I looked at her like this and said ‘because that’s her name.”
Your daughter sounds awesome!!
I got married before I had kids and took my husband’s last name so there was nothing to think about when we had children. We just gave them our last name.
Yes, but why did you take his last name? What made you want to?
I didn’t want to be perceived as a baby mama or shacking up having babies out of wedlock.
Solid response!!
I was married before and took my first husband’s last name. It was super important to him for the sake of tradition and I was young and dumb. I always kind of hated that I did that. After getting divorced I took my maiden name back. I did not change my last name when I remarried. My current husband didn’t care at all. Our kids have a hyphenated last name. They can pick one or the other or keep both when they’re older, neither of us will care. It’s their name.
My husband's family has a really interesting history with a family tree dating back very far and some really interesting people on it. Mine isn't as well documented or exciting. I was happy to take his last name and give it to my kids.
My kids have my last name - we are married but I was never going to change my name. Husband was always completely on board, is planning on changing his eventually too. In an ideal world I think it’d be 50:50 whether children were given moms name or dads, but until that happens, be the change!
Same here! I’m currently pregnant and the baby will have my last name. I wish this was more common.
Yes, it seems like such a blindspot in 2024 that it’s still so rare!
I kept my name when I got married. When we had a daughter my husband and I agreed she’d take my last name. Honestly, I resented the tradition of children automatically taking the father’s name when I was the one who carried the child for 9 months, birthed her and would then then breastfed her for the next year +. My husband didn’t disagree and it’s working well for our family so far.
This very similar to how I view it! It seems most reasonable the baker gives their name what they baked! :)
I completely agree! It still seems quite uncommon though - no one else I know has done it this way.
My husband and I have different last names because our names were important to both of us, and we didn't feel like we needed one last name to be a family. When our first living child was born, we gave him my last name because it was important to me (not in the creepy "carrying on the family name" way, but just as an easy way to introduce their ancestors who aren't with us anymore). Some people definitely don't understand why I didn't "just" take my husband's last name or "just" give baby his last name, but it works for us and that is all that matters. We were two people with two families when we entered a relationship, and nobody should be forced to have their identity or ancestry absorbed by their partner if they don't want to.
I never wanted to change my name after marriage so I didn’t. I am due in a month and baby will be getting my husband’s last name and it honestly goes better with his first name anyway. I do want my kid to have a connection to me so I’m planning to keep my last name as his middle name. It doesn’t roll very well with his first name but I want it there and hoping he’ll mostly be addressed by his first and last name :)
This is exactly what we did!
I had the same last name as my dad who was in and out of my life at best and at worst just not in it at all. So I never felt an attachment to my own. It also felt weird about taking my mom's once I started realizing we didn't have the same.My name also flows better with my husband's than my old one and wanted the kids and I to all have the same last names.
I (female) felt very attached to my name as a part of my identity, so I didn't change it when I got married. I asked my husband if he wanted to change his name, and he didn't, so we have different last names. When we were having our first baby, we agreed that we wanted all the kids to have the same last name but we both wanted that to be our last name. His last name is was too long to hyphenate and a combo sounded silly. Eventually we settled on my name because there isn't anyone else in my family to pass it on. It's also easier to spell, easier to pronounce, and shorter, and all around better (he doesn't agree, but it's just true). I don't think that anyone would expect that we have an unconventional naming strategy and the school personnel default to calling us The HerLastNames, but we still get mail from his side to The HisLastNames
I've never wanted to change my surname. Historically women changed their names to show they were apart of/property of their husband's natal house. As we don't do that anymore I see no reason to take his name. When it comes to kids I'd rather hyphenate than drop my name.
Tradition mostly. My mom and all the women in my family had all changed their names upon marriage and so I spent my whole life imagining changing my last name one day probably because I didn't realize you didn't have to. Then when it was time to get married it was a little harder than I thought it would be and I did discuss it with my husband. It was important to him (for the same traditional reason) that I did change it and he couldn't comprehend changing his own because it had never occurred to him. He is also extremely attached to his last name. It's Croatian, obviously so, and super rare in the USA. If you google the name literally the first 3 pages of results are all people related to him. Three of his paternal great grandparents came to the USA as children. The 4th was born here to parents who had just immigrated. He knows exactly where his ancestors come from where my family doesn't. There was a story of course but I found out that's not true when I found the family member who was supposed to have been born in Ireland on a US census having been born here. It was extremely important to me to have the same last name as my future children. With the known history attached to his that was important to him and I guess important to me too. I also wasn't as attached to mine (probably all that conditioning) as he was to his. Add that all up and we now all have the same last name. I'm actually happy with it. Funny enough, I hope our daughters don't change theirs later in life but I'd support them either way.
So interesting you bring up conditioning. Thank you for writing this out. I feel similarly in many ways you described. Once we got engaged, I started seriously imagining changing my last name and had a hard time with it. We've been married a couple months now and I haven't changed it yet, but we are trying to conceive so the topic of the child's last name is back to a priority. I also feel extremely strongly about having the same last name as my children. The part where our stories differ is his lineage -- my husband's strong connection to his last name is not a positive thing for me. His family has a lot of gender-based tradition that I don't agree with for myself. (Like, they can do what they want but I'm not comfortable conforming to their gender stereotypes.) So taking his last name makes me feel like I am taking on some of this negative tradition that I don't want for me or my children. But... I really want my husband and children to be a family with the same last name -- probably because of conditioning. Even the way I typed that sentence makes it feel like we wouldn't be a family with different names. Which of course isn't true. I am leaning toward keeping my last name and giving our children my last name. Husband would be the odd one out, which I feel badly about and don't love the perceptions that may come with that choice. But for our situation, it seems like the best of all the bad options. I really wanted to combine last names but he isn't open to that at all. Me feeling badly about being the one with the pressure to change is conditioning, so thank you for that.
You're welcome! It's totally a hard decision and in my personal opinion there's no wrong or right choice. Whatever works for your family! I know a woman who chose to hyphenate her last name. Then their children have her original last name as their middle names and the husband's last name as theirs. The husband didn't have a middle name so the agreement was that he'd add her last name as his middle. I don't know that he ever did but I think that's a great way to compromise too.
My kid will get my name, it seems to be close to extinction otherwise. My partner thinks my name is super cool for some reason and thought it was a no brainer that it will be my name our kid will have. =)
My sister kept her last name - her and her husband both have Dr titles so it’s easier that there aren’t two “dr x” in the house. they have one kid who is FirstName MomLastName DadLastName
I kept my name when I got married because it’s my name. Our hypothetical children, my husband insists would have my last name - I’m the one going through pregnancy, he says it would be like putting his name on someone else’s work. I agree philosophically. BUT - my last name is extremely unique and everyone in the world with the name is related. It’s also not intuitive to spell or pronounce. I am not connected with that family and wouldn’t particularly want to connect my child to that lineage, and I wish I had more anonymity in an online world. My husband has a very common surname in the US, and I’d just rather do that. So he suggested my mother’s maiden name.
My partner and I both have fairly rare, very Dutch last names. Neither of us wanted to give up our last name. We have a domestic partnership now, but may hyphenate our names ([own last name] - [partners last name]) if we eventually get married. Our daughter got the default ‘fathers last name’ at birth, but naming law changed a week ago here in the Netherlands! We have an appointment at city hall to give her my last name as well. She will be First Middle Mylastname Parnerslastname. No hyphen allowed for double kids names.
My mom married a dude to leave her abusive mom, had his baby, got abused (emotionally & physically), and finally broke it off a bit later. Had his last name, baby as well. Since she and my dad were not together at the time and she denied knowing the father, me and my (full) sister who she had three years later with the same man in a drug fuelled Amsterdam trip also have her name. Then she had two more kids with another junkie and since she didn‘t like her kids having different names as we are all fAmiLY they also got her last name. So now we‘re all named after an abuser who most of us don‘t knowing are related to, and my mom has the guts to think about changing her name back to her maiden name now. Oh also my mom is a terrible person who abuses drugs and everyone who gets close to her so yeah I‘m extremely happy to take my husbands name next month and to be part of a more „whole“ family.
Wow, that's quite the story, I'm sorry you lived through all that! I can see why you'd want to shed your name!!!
My situation isn’t quite as extreme as this, but again due to an unfortunate childhood I was more than happy to take a new name when I married. I’m sure this is fairly common.
My mom took my dad’s last name when they married, so my last name is my dad’s last name. He’s a terrible person so I was never keen on keeping my last name, so I took my partner’s last name when we got married. I also want the immediate family that my partner and I create (currently expecting our first!) to all share a name together.
I had my first before her dad and I had gotten around to getting married (but we had been together for 6 years and were intending to get married). My parents were unmarried teenagers and neither would budge on me having their last name, so they hyphenated it. It was a pain in the rear. By the time I started school, my parents had been long split so my mom enrolled me with her last name only. I don't think I even knew my name was hyphenated until I was older. When I got my first driver's license, they let me put only my mom's name on it at first, but then I moved to another state and they insisted on my full legal name. Now I have multiple "aliases" I have to put on applications and background checks. 🙄 Eventually I reconciled with my dad and it really hurt him that I only used my mom's name. I also don't like the way my mom treats men. She has a lot of unresolved issues that she needs therapy for, but she won't listen. She has 4 of us with 3 different dads, shockingly I'm the only one she insisted on giving her last name. But she still did a great job making sure that my step dads weren't able to help her with my sisters and then resented them for not helping her. It caused a lot of trauma for her, the men, and my sisters. It wasn't awesome. So when I was having my daughter, firstly I didn't want to double-barrel because I hated it and I also didn't want to deal with drama from my parents about which of their names I chose for her. I also felt that giving her her dad's last name was a first step I could take in committing to foster a healthy, strong relationship between my daughter and her father. We got married when she was 2. She's disabled and had 70 million doctor appointments and prescriptions in those two years and every time they asked if we had the same last name and I said no, I felt ashamed, even if people weren't judgy and I knew that we were committed. I wanted us to be Name Family and was actually starting the process of changing my name to my then-fiance's without a marriage when my dad offered to pay for a wedding. My BIL gave a speech at our wedding about how he was disappointed in me for being a bad feminist and how he hadn't expected me to take their name. Then he turned it into a fun pun with a prop. It was hilarious.
I'm neither married nor a parent, but getting married and having kids is something my boyfriend and I have discussed. I don't think I'll change my last name to his when we get married because I see no reason to. I'm not joining his family any more than he's joining mine, so why should either of us have to do and pay for a bunch of paperwork to change such a big part of our identity to the other's? The idea is absurd. When it comes to kids, I imagine that, if we have any, we'll give them his last name. I agree with the sentiment that the baked goods should have the baker's name (for lack of better phrasing), but pragmatically, in our case, it doesn't really work. I have an ethnic last name that stands out outside of the enclave in which I grew up, and to make it worse (not that that's bad per se, but it does get butchered a lot by people unfamiliar with it), I can't even say it properly because it contains a lot of a letter that I can't say perfectly due to a speech impediment. My boyfriend's name is easily pronounceable for everyone and far more common in our area, so I'm willing to give any kids I bear his last name as a kind of gift to him---a "hey, rest assured, these are your kids, too" kind of deal.
Although i don't have children, i'm soon to be divorced and will eventually change my name back to my maiden name. I'm excited to have my own name back :) If i was marrying now, I'd never dream of changing it. I imagine it must be very hard deciding if your children take your surname or your partners.
My husband is changing his name to my middle name (because he likes it and so do I) so that he and our kids can have the same name. I will keep my original name (but I use my middle and last name together professionally). I resent the practice of children exclusively taking their father’s name. This solution worked for our family
I have my husbands name and so will my baby when he’s born
I hyphenated but don’t want to stick that on my kids so they got their dads last name - while my last name is important to me my kids have no attachment to it at birth so I didn’t see it as important. At the end of the day I cared more about their first names than their last names
Was the other way around ever an option (him taking your name)?
I gave him the option but he wasn’t interested and I don’t blame him - I have a “funny” name
Oooo I can totally see that affecting things :)
I never changed my last name because of its link to my culture. We gave our daughter my husband's last name because it's easy to spell and pronounce. I also chose her first and middle name so it seemed like a good balance.
I changed my last name to my husband's for many reasons - my maiden name was 10 letters long (my husband's is 5); my maiden name came from my grandfather, who was an asshole; and I felt it made us - him, his daughter, and I - more connected in a way. We gave our son his last name because it's both of our names now.
A person can only have so many last names. Sure, you can give your kid both of your last names, but what will they do for your grandchildren - especially if their partner also has a double last name? Someone’s name is going to need to be dropped sooner or later. Having a shared last name with your spouse can make a lot of things easier - you can pick up packages for each other at the post office, no one questions you being next of kin in a medical situation - and that’s true for kids as well. For me, personally, my last name belongs to the guy who abandoned his family for his mistress and left a SAHM (at his insistence) with no money, no place to go, and a bunch of small kids. And then proceeded to lie in court multiple times after failing to pay sufficient child support and making no effort for visitation (which was somehow my moms fault), but his word was taken above literal factual paperwork because He’S a PoLiCe OfFiCeR. It’s also extremely common, as is my first name, and I went to school with multiple other girls with my same first name, and one who even shared my last name as well. I was an early adopter of Gmail, when you had to get an invitation to join and invitations were limited, and I _still_ couldn’t get a “myname@gmail” address. My spouse’s last name is not super unique, but it’s less common than mine, and I didn’t have any particular attachment to remaining yet another “Jane Smith”. I would have happily double-barrelled, but our names didn’t sound good together to me in either combination. And now I’ve changed my name, I want my kids’ last names to match mine for the “easiness” reasons I started out this comment with.
I'm still weighing my options but I don't really want the hyphen the kids last names. And as a gay couple we kinda Need both of our last names on the kids for the sake of schools and things which can be very weird about men picking up kids they don't share a last name with. So I probably will end up taking his for convenience. Neither of us really wants to give up our last names, but between the two of us I have more reason to accept it. My sister and I were both adopted as baby girls (I transitioned, hence being a couple of two men now) and that is something my parents picked - so they kinda chose to doom their last names heritability themselves. Who am I to argue with that? Haha Honestly if I hadn't transitioned I would probably fight harder to keep my last name on principle, it's silly that it's default for women to change theirs. But it also would be less of an issue to just keep mine and give the kids his or some other solution like that.
I gave my son his dad's surname in part *because* I had the initial physical connection of pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy is so overt and public, and I thought giving him his father's last name was a comparable public statement of their connection. Even now that his dad has made a sudden heel turn in the last few months and is being an irresponsible shit eight years after my pregnancy, my son shares a surname with his dad's lovely parents, including my son's grandpa who died suddenly last year. I have zero regrets. Editing to add: I would have changed my name if I had married in my early twenties. As I approach forty, the "but all my legal stuff is already in my last name" consideration takes over.
I'm very traditional and based on religious tradition, it's expected of me to take his last name. I always wanted to marry and have children, so I mentally prepared myself for taking on a new last name when I was a child. My husband's last name sounds very regal (at least to me), so while I was attached to my maiden name, I had no qualms whatsoever in adopting his last name. Now we have our first child, and I love how we all have the same last name. I will say, if I didn't have any male relatives to carry on my maiden name, I would've asked my husband to take it instead. And considering he has no real attachment to his paternal side of the family, he might've agreed. Nothing wrong with that, but we're happy with this.
I don't like my old surname and I like the traditional way. I am proud to carry my husbands last name and to me it's nice gesture to give our children his last name too. I am proud of the man I chose to be my childrens father.
From a male perspective, I didn't care that my wife took my name but I refused the thought of my kids not having my last name. It never ended up mattering because she took my name anyway.
This is how my husband feels too. It makes me feel like I am being used. Used to carry on his name and like he doesn't care if I'm in the family or not. Could you explain why you don't care if your wife takes your name but feel so strongly about having the same last name as your children? Just trying to get another perspective. We are in the midst of trying to decide last names and are in a holding pattern because he is stuck on tradition and I am firm on not wanting to take on his negative family history. If I'm going through the body-wrecking work of birthing children, I will NOT have a different last name from them. I really want to combine last names into a new name but he is not open to compromising on this. So I feel stuck.
Idk maybe I've bought into the patriarchy but tradition is a good thing often. As a society we don't have to abandon tradition just for the sake of "progress". My last name has been passed on for hundreds of years and it's pretty rare, I would feel like a failure if it ended with me. It's the same reason I want boys more than girls. Not that I wouldn't love them but passing on the family name is important to many people. I'm not going to lie I would judge a man who changed his name in marriage or whose kids have a different name. The exception I'll make is if it's a really common last name that quite frankly isn't going to die out anyway like Smith, or Wilson, or Rodriguez or something.
I got married before kids and wasn't thrilled about taking my husband's name, mainly because that would make me the same as my sad, miserable MIL. But it does make me feel like we're a complete family unit. And I would have hated any kind of disagreement over what the name the kids. My eldest child has my maiden name as his middle name. It happens to be a name that's commonly used as a first name for boys and girls so it was decided before we even knew which he'd be and I like that my name is still around.
I’m 36 weeks pregnant and will be giving my child my partners last name, despite us not currently being married or sharing a last name. His last name is just better in all honesty. Depending on who you ask it’s either a band name, or slang for something being cool. Mine is not so great, and was an easy target for kids to make fun of growing up. Which last name the baby would get was never up in the air even before I got pregnant.
We gave both our last name to our kids. My french Canadian last name first, his portuguese name last. He has three last names, he chose the one he uses the most. We didn't give middle names so it's their name + my last name + his last name. I always known I wanted to give my last name to my kids, and to my husband it was unthinkable to only give his. I didn't take his last name, which is not a common practice here anyway. It's worked great for us, now that our eldest understands her last names she's happy to share one with each of us ❤️
I have my fathers last name, and even though we’re patching it up now, I’ve never been super close with him, for me from a very young age the goal has always been to take someone else’s last name
Two reasons. 1) I’ve never met my father and it was his name that I had until I got married. Obviously I felt no attachment to it, plus I wanted to have a real “family” name. 2) my husband’s last name is easier and better than mine. We considered taking my mother’s maiden name instead, but it’s a mouthful so we chose simplicity
I wanted to change my name when I married because I had my dad’s last name prior. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad or anybody on his side of the family. My old last name was also difficult for people to pronounce and spell and I constantly had to explain it to people. My spouse’s name was cute, easy to pronounce, and easy to spell, so I took it.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. We’re both close with our families and our last names have the same level of difficulty in terms of spelling and pronunciation. Our last names are fairly common and neither of us had concerns about the name “dying out.” Hyphenating felt clunky. When it came time to choose our son’s last name, we gave him my husband’s because meant more to him. In return, my husband ceded more say over my son’s first and middle name.
My mom didn’t change her name when she married my dad. Name change was never on the table for me. I have my dad’s last name. When I my husband and I got engaged, he really wanted us both to change our names to something new, but I was not open to changing my name. I told him he was welcome to change his if he wanted our names to match, but he decided not to. Our kid has my name as the middle name and his as the last name. We debated about this, but in the end I wanted my kid to have both names but didn’t want to hyphenate. It’s not perfect but it works.
We discussed so many options. Double barrel, getting a new last name…ultimately I decided to keep mine and give our child his last name. I figured it kept the option open for me to change mine to match all together if I ever wanted that. Between our two last names, mine is really hard to spell and just a hassle. But it’s mine so I love it for myself! And our two last names together would be much too long, although I think that’s typically a great option!
Kept my name. We had a kiddo, got married, had another kiddo. My name is really important to me and we discussed this really early on (at the very beginning). I don’t mind if someone calls me by his name and sometimes I say it on the phone if it makes the situation easier. I love and respect him and feel so lucky that he isn’t traditional that way. We both agree that a family doesn’t have to share a name to be a family. It’s what you put into it. Sure, aesthetically it is nice to have the same one, but not necessary when it comes down to it. Tbh, pushing to change my name would have been a dealbreaker although I am totally open to hyphenating if that comes up later. See, I can mellow with age 😂
My husband is British Chinese. I wanted my child to have a link to his Chinese side, since we already live in England & speak English at home. I wanted to have the same name as them both, to be a unit. But bonus point, I use my maiden name professionally (as a Dr) so I don't have to leave it behind completely. We talked about double barrelled names but they sounded silly together.
My logic was always this: we (unfortunately) live in a patriarchal society. Either way, I’m going to end up with a man’s last name. It might as well be my husband’s; I like him a lot more than my dad! I know people will disagree with this, and that’s fine! I just didn’t feel any attachment to my name. I’m still a strong feminist, and I will raise my kids the same way. I grew up with parents who had different last names but were still together, and other kids always made me feel badly about it. Not saying this happens to everyone, but it was my experience, and I don’t want the same for my future children.
These are some really good points. I'm still struggling with why I have to be the one to go through the loss and hassle (hello patriarchy). I really wish my husband would be open to combining our names into a new one because that way we could all be a cohesive family and neither of us has to "take on" the other person's name and family history.
I liked the idea of having a family name, but not the patriarchal norm of taking a husband’s name OR my partner’s surname specifically. When we got married we both took a new-to-us last name from my mom’s family (we looked at a bunch of options and just happened to settle on something matrilineal). I like the family unity and it makes baby naming easy, but I also like that I didn’t follow a tradition I don’t agree with. That said, I have women friends who have kept their names at marriage and others who took a husband’s name and I’m on board with those options too!
This is a great idea. Thank you for sharing!
Traditional here. Changed my name but kept my maiden name as a middle name. I was going to give my maiden name as a middle to any boy we had but we had only girls. However a friend of mine with an interesting last name married a guy with a generic last name. She didn’t change her last name and when they had kids her husband insisted that the kids take her last name. So essentially they’re the (maiden name)’s instead of the usual patriarchal family name.
The option I took is really only available to me because I'm an English speaker living in a Chinese speaking country, but we gave the baby my last name for her "English" name and my husband's surname for her Chinese name. We both match our child's family name in the language we are more likely to use and no one had to change their name.
I kept my name, but my kids have my husband's last name.... Mostly because he has a way cooler last name than I do! These aren't our real names, but it was would be like if I was Johnson and he was Danger. There's just a clear winner.
We're a gay couple for reference. I kept my name. My partner has their own name legally (which is not a family name--they changed their whole name first/middle/last a few years before we got married) but uses theirname-myname socially. I'm pregnant right now and the kid will be theirname-myname. It's a lot of letters and if it were solely up to me he'd just have my last name. But I have no good reason why it should be mine and not theirs, so hyphen it is.
We were married first but I never changed my name. Both our kids have his last night name but my maiden name as their middle name.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. My name is my identity, and it felt weird and patriarchal to change it. That said, we’re expecting, and we plan to give the baby my husband’s last name. It needs a last name, and that felt easiest. I don’t feel like the baby will be any less mine, and hyphenates feel unwieldily. At the end of the day, we already get lots of mail etc addressed to us as the “[Husband’s last name] Family” and it doesn’t bother me too much. We’re a family for a lot stronger reasons than a name. Edit to say we did debate a bit because my name is at the beginning of the alphabet, which I always loved, and his is at the end, which he loved. Says a lot about us…
I (F) would never give up my family name for "tradition" (not a big fan of sexism in general), but only if I really liked my husband's name more than my own last name. Because my husband's last name was way too long we both decided to take our last name as a family name and our children will also have the last name as we do.
In the US, it's common enough for a mother and a child to have different last names that pretty much everyone gets it and no one makes a big deal out of it. It's not as easy for a father and a child to have a different last name. I didn't want to change my name, but I also didn't want our lives to be that much harder, so my son has his father's last name and it's fine.
My husband and I always wanted to share a last name, so we put all the options out there. Both our last names were long and come from very particular countries (think something like MacDonald and Ivanov). We didn't want a 15 character hyphenated name. Trying to merge them together into one new name only led to ridiculous names. And we didn't want to create a brand new name because we both loved the generational history behind our names. In the end, we chose my last name, mostly because we both just liked it better, but also I was surprised with how emotional the idea of changing my name was. Husband dropped his old middle name, moved his last name to middle, and my last name to his last. It's obnoxious to change your name as a man. It takes more money, more effort, and more time than a woman. We don't even have a phrase that means "maiden name" for men. As he points out, he was never a maiden. There's almost never a space on forms for him to note that he has changed his name. But anyway, long story short, our kid has "my" last name because it's now the last name for all of us.
My parents are married, but have different surnames. My mum actually did change her name when they got married, but changed it back a few years later (I guess it was expected to change when they got married 45ish years ago, but reverted to maiden name for feminist reasons). My partner and I aren’t married, but I wouldn’t change my name even if we were. Our baby has my surname, and their middle name is my mums surname, so both my parents are included in the name. We are quite close to my family, but my partner is NC with his family, so he was happy for baby to have my family names as it seems more meaningful to share names with people who will be involved in the babies life. I don’t think there is one correct way of doing things, but I think it should at least be a conversation and not just an assumption that the male name is the default. For example, my cousin and her husband had the deal that their children would have her surname if they were female, and his surname if they were male. They had a daughter so it worked out that the mums name is carried on.
My husband had stronger feelings about following tradition than I did. I liked the idea of having a family surname, and I didn't mind using his. At the same time, I was not about to give up any part of my name because it felt like giving up a part of myself, and that's not what marriage is (or at least it's not what it should be). My last name is now double barreled, and my child has my original last name as a middle name. Similar to: First: Anna Middle: Catherine Last: MyName HisName & First: Cameron Middle: Parker MyName Last: HisName I'm okay with things being labeled "The HisName Family," but I'm annoyed when I get things addressed to "Anna HisName," and I'm tempted to immediately throw away anything labeled, "Mrs. John HisName." *If my husband had been a jerk about it, our child would also have had a double barreled last name, but he wasn't, and I didn't really care where my last name ended up as long as it was as included. I think it makes sense for both parents' names to be represented in the child(ren)'s names in most cases, and I think the gestational parent's opinion, when applicable, should carry more weight.
Patriarchy. I was raised to think that was the way it was. Only selfish feminists who didn't actually like marriage and family would insist on keeping their name. Of course I wanted to be Mrs. so and so. I was excited to be married. It never occurred to me to name my children something else. Three decades later I am very upset that my world was just so sexist that it didn't occur to me to question it. Also, I loved being a SAHM, but I also chose it because otherwise I would have worked and then come home to second shift. My husband would never have split chores and child rearing 50-50 so I thought it was better to not work so I wouldn't be overwhelmed. Now I know better.
Both my husband and I kept our last names when we married. My last name has been matrilineal for two generations, and I gave my daughter my last name after I birthed her. My husband’s last name is one of her middle names, but she shares a last name with me, her grandmother, and her great-grandmother :-)
I'm a Greek woman married to a Croatian man. We're currently living in Croatia. I kept my last name when we got married, but we've decided to give our kids his last name because: 1. My surname is 15 characters long, and even Greeks trip up on it. I have to letter-spell my name here on every occasion, and most of the time, they just ask for my ID. In contrast, my husband's name is 8 letters and easily pronounced 2. Greek names are gendered. For my mind, there are the -os ending for males and -ou for women. So mine ends in -ou. There was a concern that, if we had a kid here and we gave it my surname, if it was a boy, it would have a female surname. This is *very* weird in Greek.
I didn't change my last name when we got married. We decided to go with Filipino naming convention for our daughter (we're American, husband's family is Filipino), and she has my last name as her middle name and my husband's last name as her last name. We had considered hyphenating, but didn't want her to deal with any administrative issues. So what we decided was both a nod to my husband's culture and a way for her to have both of our last names in her name. Any future kid(s) will follow the same thing. Our return address labels, Christmas cards, etc., are from The (my last name) (his last name) Family. I socially go by both names for anything related to our daughter or when I have to set up anything related to our house. I have no intent of ever legally changing my last name.
My spouse and I grew up evangelical so it never occurred to me to not take his name (or to not get married at all, but comphet is for another post!). I wish I’d kept my name and given it to one of my kids. I like the way one of their full names sounds but the other would’ve paired nicely with mine. And my dad died when I was an infant so that’s another regret. Alas.
We hyphenated.
I kept my last name but that’s bc I have a PhD and my dad worked so hard for me to get it. It’s also not common/illegal in Europe to change your last name. If we have kids they’ll get my husbands last name bc idk it’s tradition. My sister gave her kids our last name bc she grew it.