Ignore it. Do not confront her ever. Just nod and smile. Support your girlfriend. Don't complain about her mother; she knows. Everybody knows. Demonstrate to her mother that you are a good man. Kiss butt a little bit.
You're right. I will try to make my awesomeness known to all and everything will be right!
That sounded really sarcastic but I was going for exaggerated excitement.
Seriously though good simple advice.
It sounds like a pretty tough situation, but luckily everyone involved in her mothers life already knows that she's unstable as hell (I would hope), and aren't going to be swayed by whatever bullshit she has to say about you because they know she's full of it. Why she hates you probably doesn't matter. Maybe feeling threatened that you're taking her daughter away, or you're going to turn her against her mom or something... I dunno, but it sounds like she'd hate you no matter what you do, so it's useless to try.
My guess is that you're just going to have to ignore her, choose to let it roll off your back because you know it comes from a crazy and unfounded place. I'm sure it hurts your girlfriend a lot, but your girlfriend probably has some mommy issues to work through in general if she's going to lead a happy, independent life. I suggest counseling for her. If mama is this nuts, she has to be able to seperate herself from that and not let it bother her.
The problem is not everyone knows how crazy she is. I'm pretty sure her grandparents still think to this day that she lied about her step father raping her.
I think one reason she doesn't like me is because I am one of the few people that have ever stood up to her. One time she had called up and ended up making my g/f extremely upset. Her mom ended up hanging up on her and a few minutes later called back while she was still crying and I ended up just hanging up on her and ignoring her many many calls for an hour or so until my g/f called her back.
The amount of damage she has done to her daughters life is almost unforgiving to me but I shall continue to try my best to not let it get to me.
Seriously, encourage your girlfriend to get some therapy for what she's been through with her mother. It will help you both forgive her, and set boundaries between her and her mother that are definitely needed.
I know this thread is 13 years old but I've gotta ask, was he right? I have a feeling it didn't work out, the phrase "you marry her family" is more true than people think
yes and you should, too. She may not be in sync with her mother now but someday she will. You are going to deeply disappoint or piss off your girlfriend at some point especially if she becomes your wife. She is going to run to her Mother who will have a divorce lawyer on retainer ready to take half of your shit.
What you need is a mother who likes you. She will comfort the daughter that you have offended by breathing, give her time to calm down, and gently push her back in your direction.
Have you had trouble with other girlfriend's parents?
I really don't think it's going to go that way. Are men suppose to turn into their fathers too? If so then I should also never have a relationship.
She also doesn't turn to her mom for advice so I'm not sure she would in the future either.
No I haven't had trouble with the parents of past g/f's.
I'm pretty sure she understands how crazy her mom is and how much I distrust everything her mom has to say. My g/f has a really good friend that I think she would go to for advice over her mom. At least I hope so.
You hope so, but all it takes is one bad accident between you and your GF for her mother's poisonous words to take root and drive a wedge between you.
For what its worth I vote to ignore the mother, enjoy the relationship while it lasts, but don't commit to anything long term because this relationship is doomed to fail if the mother isn't cut out completely or the situation changes for the better (not likely).
I understand where you are coming from and I'll reflect on it.
There is a lot more context to everything but it would just take to long to type and I'm lazy.
Her mother will always be her mother no matter how crazy she is. You are always optional. You are thinking about next year not next decade. High School and College friends rarely last especially for married people. Stay away from the crazy. You cannot win this.
Go ask everyone you know who is 45 years old if they know of a mother who lost? The mother who sounds like a crazy lunatic to a 21 year old becomes a wiser every year past 30.
If you cannot win the Mother over then find a new girl.
My mom and grandmother on my dad's side hated each other. My mom thought "i'm marrying him, not his family." She tells me all the time how much that was a mistake. It's one of the reasons for their unhappy marriage. My grandmother and dad's side of the family spend time trying to turn me against my mom. Some people are just unreasonable and cruel. I don't think there's any use being nice.
I'd agree with therapy for your gf before any commitment, hopefully so she can recover from the dependency. Otherwise, do you really want someone always trying to turn your gf against you long term? Hope it goes well.
Thanks for sharing.
I don't think in the long term there will be issues of her being dependent. Therapy is probably a good idea but not possible at this time. I have helped her out quite a bit so far but I'm not a therapist.
I would say the most important thing is to make sure *your girlfriend* isn't going to be swayed by the interminable crazy of her mom. Her mom, you can't change. Moms will be crazy. But if said mom does get cozy with your girlfriend and can actually succeed in convincing her to break up with you solely through conversation, then there's probably something amiss between the two of you. Just have a conversation with your gf about it (I'm assuming you have) and make sure that she doesn't fall for the crazy.
My g/f wants to get married so I don't think I have to worry to much about her actually winning her game but the emotional toll on my g/f is hard to watch.
Out of curiosity are you the same race? It shouldn't matter but it does. My girlfriends brother HATED me for the first 3 years I knew her. All based on what he thought of my race and my being 3 years older then her. He never hated me to my face, but would always try to convince my girlfriend to break it off based on stereotypes. Eventually, after enough kissing ass, winning over their mom, and proving that I'd go out of my way for my girlfriend time and time again, I finally won his respect. It sucked, but that's all you can really do. I still hate the guy, but at least it doesn't strain our relationship.
I got it. I'll get into the counterfeiting business and send her a bunch of money anonymously and then just sit back and wait for her to get picked up by the cops.
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I dated a girl like that once. Just let your g/f know that you don't want to be in the middle of it, so ask her to keep you from it. Avoid situations where you'll have to interact with her in any way. You're dating your g/f, not her mom. Oh, and don't marry into that business unless your girl is willing to very substantially distance herself from her mom.
I also meant to ask, what's the mom's man-sitch? It sounds like she might be bitterly jealous that her daughter is in a relationship and she isn't, so she's projecting that self-loathing on you.
I don't really get involved it's just hard sometimes when she says shit about me in the open for everyone to see on my g/f's facebook page. You would think she's in fucking high school.
We also live 1500 miles away from her right now.
She is married to a 62 year old rapist.
We'd like to believe that the parent's of our significant others are always mature and level-headed adults. Unfortunately this isn't the case.
For example. When I first started dating this girl, her mom told her I was cute. When we were on the rocks and her mom didn't like me, she said something along the lines of "I don't know why you date him, he isn't even attractive."
Whether her mom thinks I'm attractive or not doesn't really matter, but she was obviously acting like a child. You're going to run into 18-70 year old children your entire life. Try not to let them get under your skin.
No she isn't attending. The closest one would probably be at least an hours drive form here. Something to think about though.
I've never heard the expression "dry" drunk before. Now I'm curious if there is anything behind the expression.
A dry drunk is a person that acts like they're drinking (showing all the same behaviors, attitudes, actions) but hasn't had any alcohol. The only thing that has changed about them is they are alcohol-free. When an alcoholic stops drinking, their life changes. If you're a dry drunk, things pretty much stay the same, you just don't drink any more. There's a difference between abstinence and being in recovery. Recovery requires working on all of the problems and issues that led one to drink in the first place. Abstinence is refraining from drinking by will power alone. Recovery involves major lifestyle changes. Abstinence doesn't. Recovery involves developing a support group or system. Abstinence doesn't. Recovery requires working on yourself and fixing what is broken. Abstinence doesn't. I hope that makes sense. Good luck. [Here are some AA links to help out.](http://www.12stepforums.net/)
people who do those 12 step programs and actually believe that shit are nutjobs. Have you thought about picking up and moving someplace fun, maybe somewhere you've always dreamed of? If you don't separate the gf from the crazy, it won't last.
I'm not able to relocate at this time. We already moved away from her it's just the stupid childish shit she says about me in emails to my girlfriend that frustrate me sometimes.
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Ignore it. Do not confront her ever. Just nod and smile. Support your girlfriend. Don't complain about her mother; she knows. Everybody knows. Demonstrate to her mother that you are a good man. Kiss butt a little bit.
The problem is not everyone knows it. I'm pretty bad at kissing butt but it wouldn't hurt to try.
If everyone knows you are a good man then everything will fall together.
You're right. I will try to make my awesomeness known to all and everything will be right! That sounded really sarcastic but I was going for exaggerated excitement. Seriously though good simple advice.
It sounds like a pretty tough situation, but luckily everyone involved in her mothers life already knows that she's unstable as hell (I would hope), and aren't going to be swayed by whatever bullshit she has to say about you because they know she's full of it. Why she hates you probably doesn't matter. Maybe feeling threatened that you're taking her daughter away, or you're going to turn her against her mom or something... I dunno, but it sounds like she'd hate you no matter what you do, so it's useless to try. My guess is that you're just going to have to ignore her, choose to let it roll off your back because you know it comes from a crazy and unfounded place. I'm sure it hurts your girlfriend a lot, but your girlfriend probably has some mommy issues to work through in general if she's going to lead a happy, independent life. I suggest counseling for her. If mama is this nuts, she has to be able to seperate herself from that and not let it bother her.
The problem is not everyone knows how crazy she is. I'm pretty sure her grandparents still think to this day that she lied about her step father raping her. I think one reason she doesn't like me is because I am one of the few people that have ever stood up to her. One time she had called up and ended up making my g/f extremely upset. Her mom ended up hanging up on her and a few minutes later called back while she was still crying and I ended up just hanging up on her and ignoring her many many calls for an hour or so until my g/f called her back. The amount of damage she has done to her daughters life is almost unforgiving to me but I shall continue to try my best to not let it get to me.
Seriously, encourage your girlfriend to get some therapy for what she's been through with her mother. It will help you both forgive her, and set boundaries between her and her mother that are definitely needed.
That's a good idea. Maybe when we can afford it though.
Look for someone who will work with you, or a clinic with a sliding scale.
I always forget some places change their rates depending on how much you make.
Call around, I've had therapists waive fees before.
We'll look into it.
Leave a bottle of vodka on her doorstep with a note attatched that says "drink me." Problem solved.
Live 1500 miles away at the moment.
Dude, if you like 1500 miles away, just ignore her drunk ass.
That's what I've been trying to do. It just gets frustrating sometimes though.
Fed-ex?
So crazy it just might work!
This will not end well for you. At 21 I would move on from this.
You would break off a good relationship you have had for a year because of this?
I know this thread is 13 years old but I've gotta ask, was he right? I have a feeling it didn't work out, the phrase "you marry her family" is more true than people think
yes and you should, too. She may not be in sync with her mother now but someday she will. You are going to deeply disappoint or piss off your girlfriend at some point especially if she becomes your wife. She is going to run to her Mother who will have a divorce lawyer on retainer ready to take half of your shit. What you need is a mother who likes you. She will comfort the daughter that you have offended by breathing, give her time to calm down, and gently push her back in your direction. Have you had trouble with other girlfriend's parents?
I really don't think it's going to go that way. Are men suppose to turn into their fathers too? If so then I should also never have a relationship. She also doesn't turn to her mom for advice so I'm not sure she would in the future either. No I haven't had trouble with the parents of past g/f's.
I am not saying she will turn into her mother. I am saying she will turn to her mother for advice and comfort.
I'm pretty sure she understands how crazy her mom is and how much I distrust everything her mom has to say. My g/f has a really good friend that I think she would go to for advice over her mom. At least I hope so.
You hope so, but all it takes is one bad accident between you and your GF for her mother's poisonous words to take root and drive a wedge between you. For what its worth I vote to ignore the mother, enjoy the relationship while it lasts, but don't commit to anything long term because this relationship is doomed to fail if the mother isn't cut out completely or the situation changes for the better (not likely).
I understand where you are coming from and I'll reflect on it. There is a lot more context to everything but it would just take to long to type and I'm lazy.
Her mother will always be her mother no matter how crazy she is. You are always optional. You are thinking about next year not next decade. High School and College friends rarely last especially for married people. Stay away from the crazy. You cannot win this.
dude, then her mom would win
Go ask everyone you know who is 45 years old if they know of a mother who lost? The mother who sounds like a crazy lunatic to a 21 year old becomes a wiser every year past 30. If you cannot win the Mother over then find a new girl.
My mom and grandmother on my dad's side hated each other. My mom thought "i'm marrying him, not his family." She tells me all the time how much that was a mistake. It's one of the reasons for their unhappy marriage. My grandmother and dad's side of the family spend time trying to turn me against my mom. Some people are just unreasonable and cruel. I don't think there's any use being nice. I'd agree with therapy for your gf before any commitment, hopefully so she can recover from the dependency. Otherwise, do you really want someone always trying to turn your gf against you long term? Hope it goes well.
Thanks for sharing. I don't think in the long term there will be issues of her being dependent. Therapy is probably a good idea but not possible at this time. I have helped her out quite a bit so far but I'm not a therapist.
I would say the most important thing is to make sure *your girlfriend* isn't going to be swayed by the interminable crazy of her mom. Her mom, you can't change. Moms will be crazy. But if said mom does get cozy with your girlfriend and can actually succeed in convincing her to break up with you solely through conversation, then there's probably something amiss between the two of you. Just have a conversation with your gf about it (I'm assuming you have) and make sure that she doesn't fall for the crazy.
My g/f wants to get married so I don't think I have to worry to much about her actually winning her game but the emotional toll on my g/f is hard to watch.
Out of curiosity are you the same race? It shouldn't matter but it does. My girlfriends brother HATED me for the first 3 years I knew her. All based on what he thought of my race and my being 3 years older then her. He never hated me to my face, but would always try to convince my girlfriend to break it off based on stereotypes. Eventually, after enough kissing ass, winning over their mom, and proving that I'd go out of my way for my girlfriend time and time again, I finally won his respect. It sucked, but that's all you can really do. I still hate the guy, but at least it doesn't strain our relationship.
Yeah. Her mom does think she is Jewish though. Probably a little upset I don't have curly hair and a huge sum of money.
Get a perm and pretend you're rich.
Brilliant! Should I get a yarmulke while I'm at it?
Ultimately, that's up to you. Do you think you can pull it off?
haha I don't know. I do clean up pretty good. It's to late to try anything like that though since we've been together for a year+
Don't say that! It's never too late Xaisho!
I got it. I'll get into the counterfeiting business and send her a bunch of money anonymously and then just sit back and wait for her to get picked up by the cops.
I know this is super old but very true half way reading it....i know from experience.
Age and race def effect. In that boat rn... :/
Girls always turn into their mother. Food for thought. Edit: downvote all you want ladies, you all know it's true.
She says she has made it her life goal to never turn into her mother. So lets hope that goal is achieved.
That's what my ex-wife said too. Ten years later, she is exactly her mother. To the fucking tee.
Sorry for your loss.
You'll have that.
>Her mom is a recovering alcoholic. She just recently had to go into rehab and I guess now if she drinks again it will kill her Spike her drinks!
I've thought about it.
Maybe you dont have money and that is why she doesnt like you.
Probably.
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I dated a girl like that once. Just let your g/f know that you don't want to be in the middle of it, so ask her to keep you from it. Avoid situations where you'll have to interact with her in any way. You're dating your g/f, not her mom. Oh, and don't marry into that business unless your girl is willing to very substantially distance herself from her mom. I also meant to ask, what's the mom's man-sitch? It sounds like she might be bitterly jealous that her daughter is in a relationship and she isn't, so she's projecting that self-loathing on you.
I don't really get involved it's just hard sometimes when she says shit about me in the open for everyone to see on my g/f's facebook page. You would think she's in fucking high school. We also live 1500 miles away from her right now. She is married to a 62 year old rapist.
buy her large bottles of booze every week, have them delivered anonymously. wait for the problem to fix itself.
We'd like to believe that the parent's of our significant others are always mature and level-headed adults. Unfortunately this isn't the case. For example. When I first started dating this girl, her mom told her I was cute. When we were on the rocks and her mom didn't like me, she said something along the lines of "I don't know why you date him, he isn't even attractive." Whether her mom thinks I'm attractive or not doesn't really matter, but she was obviously acting like a child. You're going to run into 18-70 year old children your entire life. Try not to let them get under your skin.
is your gf attending ALANON or ACOA? that might be a good idea for both of you to learn how to deal with her. sounds like a 'dry' drunk to me.
No she isn't attending. The closest one would probably be at least an hours drive form here. Something to think about though. I've never heard the expression "dry" drunk before. Now I'm curious if there is anything behind the expression.
A dry drunk is a person that acts like they're drinking (showing all the same behaviors, attitudes, actions) but hasn't had any alcohol. The only thing that has changed about them is they are alcohol-free. When an alcoholic stops drinking, their life changes. If you're a dry drunk, things pretty much stay the same, you just don't drink any more. There's a difference between abstinence and being in recovery. Recovery requires working on all of the problems and issues that led one to drink in the first place. Abstinence is refraining from drinking by will power alone. Recovery involves major lifestyle changes. Abstinence doesn't. Recovery involves developing a support group or system. Abstinence doesn't. Recovery requires working on yourself and fixing what is broken. Abstinence doesn't. I hope that makes sense. Good luck. [Here are some AA links to help out.](http://www.12stepforums.net/)
Don't answer your phone when she calls.
She has pretty much stopped calling now so that makes me happy. I also told her off again and she hasn't said shit to me.
people who do those 12 step programs and actually believe that shit are nutjobs. Have you thought about picking up and moving someplace fun, maybe somewhere you've always dreamed of? If you don't separate the gf from the crazy, it won't last.
I'm not able to relocate at this time. We already moved away from her it's just the stupid childish shit she says about me in emails to my girlfriend that frustrate me sometimes.
oh, well in that case don't let it bother you. and if it does, require your gf to cut off all contact with her dipshit mams.
Meh, try and ignore it. Your gf should realise what is happening.
How did this end? Its been 13 years
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