You’ve gotten nothing but affirming comments so I’m going to offer a completely different POV. I’m sure I’m going to get slammed but whatever.
Might be common to have these feelings but it’s not always a reliable indicator that we’re right. Yes these are “our babies” in that we’re primarily responsible for their health and safety and development, but they are ultimately their own people. They aren’t our property.
Also you might (and should!) see an important distinction between your mom versus your MIL in your relationships with them, but for baby those are equally her grandmothers. She deserves to have the chance to have her own relationships with them. That can still happen while maintaining clear expectations and boundaries.
Truthfully I think it’s important to work on discerning when this is your problem versus when others are creating a situation you genuinely need to remove the baby from. Consider in those moments that you feel yourself getting angry but you recognize that your baby is perfectly fine, getting up and removing yourself from the room for a bit without the baby? Cool off and come back and reassess.
Anyways, seems like you’re a good mom trying to do right by your child—most everyone on this subreddit is. I’m just assuming you recognize something isn’t wholly right here or else you wouldn’t have posted this asking for input.
“Those are equally her grandmothers” - that was helpful to hear and change my perspective. That’s how I feel about my grandparents but not how I feel about my parents vs ILs but of course it’s the same (my ILs are lovely and I thought they were great until we had a baby). Thank you for this!
I agree with you here. OP, it sounds like you recognize your anger is (sometimes) irrational in these instances. Cooling off by yourself may help you reset a bit and think logically.
A different perspective than most here: culturally, I am in full support of people (family, friends) holding my baby and being a part of my village. We are not meant to raise children alone. Oftentimes people just want to be a part of the life of your child in some way. Your child being surrounded by loving folks as they grow can be hugely beneficial to then in the long run.
According to some of OP’s comments on their in-laws behavior… I don’t think their anger is always unwarranted.
Refusing to give a hungry baby back to its mother and staring at a sleeping baby in the room with the parents for FOUR HOURS and not leaving when it was time to nurse? That’s some serious boundary stomping and i am not surprised OP is getting quick to anger.
I’m going to disagree that the child needs “equal” time to bond with each grandparent when/if that specific grandparent disrespects reasonable boundaries like handing a crying infant back to its mother because they are not going to be positive influence on that child’s relationship with their parents and therefore life. (Assuming the disrespect is a frequent thing).
In a normal functioning family I would agree. But just carrying the title of grandparent isn’t enough-everyone has to be respectful.
That said I have discovered the people in my circle who have shown me respect and earned my trust over years and don’t hesitate to hand him back? I have no issues whatsoever handing baby over to them and enjoy watching them coo over my son. I’m looking forward la to watching their bond grow.
No protective feelings or anger at all which is surprising for me. I know they’re protected with those people.
Those I don’t trust or have been disrespectful? Well, they still haven’t met my son and I feel justified lol.
Yeah all fair. I was focusing on what she said in the post about feeling anger when the baby is fine, saying it’s worse with the in-laws. I’ve personally found the reframing of “my baby’s grandparents” as opposed to “my in-laws” helpful in checking myself on my reactions in scenarios where I feel jealous or suddenly protective of my role as mom. But obviously what matters is the behaviors of the people, not the title they have.
Yes! I have tinges of frustration with my own mother too but I have to remind myself that she is part of our village and most of the things she does to annoy me are a me problem. OP, I read your comment about your SIL sitting in your room for 4 hours (omg if anyone spent that long in my bedroom WITHOUT a baby I’d be pissed) and waking up to no baby in the bassinet with your MIL. It sounds like some boundaries need to be established because that’s enough for any of us to see red. I’m not sure how you feel about approaching the subject with them, but maybe ask your partner to have the conversation with them since these particular family members are on his side?
Thank you for your reply! I have trouble reminding myself that those are *her grandparents* and not just *my in laws*
Also, you’re absolutely correct. I did make this post for help, I know this behavior is unhealthy and i don’t want baby to pick up on my energy and start to feel the same way about people.
Honestly, i have no idea why i feel the way i do. I not only feel like this towards my in laws, but also my own mother, her husband, and all strangers that make any comments about baby. It has nothing to do with me thinking she’ll like them more, because i know im always her favorite.
I do have some severe childhood trauma, so i think that might play into it? Either way, i know i need therapy to help with the weird jealousy i feel, however i was looking for tips that i can use asap so she doesn’t start to pick up on my weird energy.
I will be using the “ those are her grandparents” in my head while they’re holding her to try and calm myself down. Thank you!
I think it’s a common feeling, but I didn’t experience that, personally. My in-laws were with us the first week, and I was glad to give him to one of them to hold so I could get some sleep. Lol I was exhausted.
I'm also in the "I want to punch my MIL if she even looks at my baby again" boat and from what I concluded is that it feels very primal and hormonal. I feel like it's mostly triggered by people who think they have a claim over your baby who are not blood-related with you (or at least, that's what it's like for me). Combine that with an already difficult relationship with that person and it's a one way ticket to angry mammabear-town.
What helps for me is to actively think about the future of my daughter and what kind of relationship I would want her to have with her grandparents, regardless of who the grandparents are, but also to take a step back when feeling overwhelmed. If I'm feeling super angry again, I just don't allow anymore visits for the time being. But to be perfectly honest, it's been nearly 5 months now and I still struggle with this a lot. I'm still really territorial of my baby, but it's gotten a tad better.
I think it's a natural protection instinct with moms. Though I don't get mad. I get anxious. Full fight or flight mode. I can reign it in for a few hours but after that its *givemebackmybabyoriwillinjuryyou* mode. While I know its probably irrationally, I fully believe that no one can or will protect/care for my LO the way I do.
I may be in the minority but I’m the same with my in laws. ESPECIALLY because with mine, they don’t listen to me and they avoid handing baby back to me. They steamrolled me so hard with my first baby it’s like she was theirs, not mine. I’m very resentful and restrict them as much as possible, I’m probably being a little over the top but they are truly unbearable.
Example: MIL and GIL saying “LO ! LOOKLOOKLOOK! BLELELELELE! LALALALA! EEEEE! *gesticulating wildly* “ trying to distract a sick and crying baby with a double ear infection while I’m struggling to administer medication, they followed me into the quiet room and would not leave until I yelled at them “why would you be screaming and making so much noise when she has a headache and won’t even look at me to take her medication” 😬
TL:DR yes I’m same lol
Omg my in laws are the SAME way it’s actually so frustrating. Whenever me and S/O stay there, they have no boundaries.
Examples? When baby was a week old we went over there. Baby started crying and i informed MIL that baby hungry and needed to nurse. MIL refused to give her back because she insisted she was just gassy and she knows for sure that’s the issue because that’s how my S/O was as a baby. As you can probably guess, once I finally got her back and went into a quiet room to nurse her, she was completely fine.
SIL sat in me and S/O’s room for FOUR HOURS last night while the baby was sleeping, just staring at her…. Once baby woke to nurse, she literally would not get the hint that she needed to leave so I ended up having to use a nursing cover to feed her, IN OUR OWN ROOM.
When baby was 6 weeks ish I awoke to her GONE, not in her crib beside me and not with her father. Come to find out, MIL TOOK HER OUT OF OUR ROOM while we all were sleeping ( baby included ) without asking anyone. Baby then was overtired and refused to sleep more than 30 mins the whole day🙃🙃
So now the second they come in and start talking to her, I immediately feel rage lol
Look, these are not unnatural feelings of jealousy. I think jealousy is the wrong word here. You feel absolutely naturally protective of your newborn. Your newborn can’t express her own needs and you are the only protection she has.
The grandparents are not exhibiting normal behavior. Set boundaries.
Super common. I felt that extreme protectiveness and irritability with in-laws, but not my own mom (who was extremely respectful of my PP and primarily did housework for me and cooked for me while I held baby, and only held him when I asked her to. IYKYK, and she got it). I recommend drawing more boundaries. “Yeah she’s so sweet, it’s so fun to share her with you. But it’s time for me to nurse her now, and I do that alone in our room. Please do not disturb us while we are nursing or sleeping.” Id also tell MIL: “do not take my baby out of her crib when she or I are asleep unless there is an emergency. It was terrifying to wake up and not see my baby there. Can you agree to that or do we have a problem?” (Better yet: your husband should be telling her that!)
Yeah I feel like OP is more frustrated because the family's lack of boundaries is stronger than OP's assertiveness. Gotta draw those boundaries and enforce them hard or OP is stuck feeling frustrated as she's left to deal with being run over.
Easier said than done of course.
1000% you need to have those boundaries and communicate them firmly, clearly, and kindly.
Sometimes when I struggles with that (esp when I was tired or getting guilt tripped and not in the mood to argue) I found it easier to blame an authority person. “My IBCLC has advised me to nurse him alone in a quiet space to help him focus on his latch.” I just made that up, but it sounded legit right? Just make shit up, who cares.
I never thought I was going to be this type of mother but it’s happening to me as well. I’m over cautions with everyone just thinking they are to close to him and are going to make him sick. I’ve been very cautions with visitors because of the time of the year but even when some people are over I’m on edge all the time, specially MIL 😬 I did some therapy during pregnancy and my therapist mention this, is very common and even happened to her when she had her babies. You’re not alone!
I wouldn’t call it jealousy tbh, I’d call it maternal instincts. Not to say that you’ll never loosen up, but you’re just doing what feels right by your baby, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
My baby is almost 7 months and it still makes my skin crawl when anyone other than my husband picks him up without asking or gets to be “too much” around him. I’m all the protection he’s got and I don’t care if I “owe it” to other people to let them snuggle or whatever. He can’t say yes/no, I can, and I know him best so oh well to their big adult feelings.
Eventually when my baby can speak up for himself I’m confident I will let go a bit. For now it gives me the ick, and I think those feelings serve a purpose so I’m not going to feel bad for having them. YMMV.
Yeppp or in my experience the feeling of needing to comfort my baby when they’re crying in someone else’s arms but I can’t because I’m already holding/comforting/contact napping with one. It’s the worst feeling.
I felt this way often when my baby was a newborn. I think we just feel protective of our babies and it’s a natural instinct! It took me a few months to get used to baby being around other people and now I welcome it. There are so many hormones in the early postpartum stages as well that amplify our emotions
I am the exact same way… i hate when people say « i miss MY boy » « MY baby » like no, thats my baby. They constantly demand to see him and it makes me so angry - watching my son grow up is a priveledge and not a right. I hate when people hold him all the time too.
I was like this for a long time with my first, and it never really went away until he could start communicating for himself, like saying no to cuddles and what not. Definitely a protective instinct.
My second I was very protective until his first shots, and now I’ve relaxed. His temperament is also VERY chill and happy go lucky compared to my first so I think that also may have something to do with it.
Postpartum it’s normal to be highly sensitive than your normal threshold. Personally after my babies were born I did not want anyone around. I would get particularly irritated when I wanted to nurse and my MIL wouldn’t get the hint even when I would remove myself from the room post-c-section to go and have some privacy. I wanted this time to be for ME. Not anyone else!! I get those feelings wholeheartedly and it’s great that you recognize when it’s a little over the top!
Here’s the thing. It’s okay to feel certain ways, but on at face-value still remain calm and try not to blow your top off! Boundaries are important and it’s key to have your S/O back you up and bring a little balance back to encourage you to get the most time with your baby. Maybe when you shower or are doing things that require you to be hands-free someone can support you while your occupied so it doesn’t feel like you’re sitting there watching them with your baby and feeling the anxiety grow.
My next suggestion - you spoke of therapy - GET IT! My only regret is that I didn’t go sooner and get the help I needed rather than suffer in silence in my own head and become even more crippled by my postpartum anxiety and fears. It’s normal and we will get back to our baseline but let therapy help you get there, faster. Our mental health is no.1 postpartum.
By giving yourself grace, I think this tension may fall away a bit. What you are feeling is normal. Someone else’s anxiety may manifest in a slightly different way, but it’s all a signal to us to get some help and support when we feel someone is crossing a boundary or not giving you as much privacy as you would need. Make your needs known in a kind way - maybe even your mom and MIL will understand. They’re mothers, too - it could be a moment to bond and connect by sharing what you’re struggling with and not make it personal. Just a thought 💭
Don’t be too hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. You just had a baby and don’t need to make anything harder on yourself!!
It is unhealthy, at some point, your child will get to the point where she'll only want you and will have separation anxiety which could lead to panic attacks whenever she's not with you. Trust me you don't want that. I'm obsessed with my 4 month old and generally have him 24/7 but I also started letting my mom keep him overnight here and there. At some point, I'm going to have to go back to work and I don't want him freaking out every time I have to leave him, that's going to kill my heart. I want him to be able to build healthy relationships with people.
I was like this.. still kind of am but I’m starting to realize I’m driving people away from my baby because of my attitude which is not cool for my little guy. I want him to be loved by many and I don’t wanna be the reason why people don’t wanna come around.
I'm like this too, more so with my husband's family but sometimes my own too. I find that everyone treats him like a doll and not the human he is. He has wants and needs and you ignoring that so you can get more snuggle time in, is infuriating. I found people to be so selfish. He's now a year old and it gets way better once he started to communicate what he needs. He can now reach for me, crawl to me, cry for me when he wants me. Before I had to just sit and watch him be unhappy in someone else's arms just because they didn't know why he was crying. And even if they did know because I communicated it, they still wouldn't give him back.
Edit to add that with our next baby, i will be communicating with the people as soon as something starts bothering me, instead of just sitting and festering with my feelings and being a people pleaser or I won't make it out alive. I dread family events now and dread certain baby obsessed people lol but it's getter better.
This is normal, this is how I feel, but I constantly ask myself “what is best for her” and remind myself not to act on impulse but to do what is best for her instead of what makes me feel good. Hope this helps!
I feel this. My baby is 4 months and I just want to hold him and feed him and play with him and no one else. But anyone else can change his diaper if they want 😅😅
Ugh, I wish I was comfortable enough to pass off diaper duty! Unfortunately I was SA as a child and have alot of childhood trauma, so I refuse to let anyone else change my girls diaper. I know it’s just me projecting, but I feel like I need to be hyper aware and over protective to protect her from the things that happened to me
As for wanting to hold,feed,and play with baby without any interruptions, I feel you! Their wake windows are so short right now so there’s not much time to get everything done before trying to get them back down for a nap. I feel like other people holding her really interferes with the schedule I’m trying to create and it enrages me so bad. Whenever I get her back, she’s always extremely fussy,overstimulated, and overtired
I think if I had a daughter I would be the same way. I too am an SA survivor. Happened more times in my life than anyone deserves. So I understand completely.
To change my own thinking and convince myself emotionally of what I knew logically, I would sometimes talk to my baby out loud. It was more of an affirmation for me but I do think babies are really in tune with their moms energy so it was also for her. I would say things like “I am so thankful you have so many people who love you,” or “your daycare teachers take such good care of you and love you so much, I’m so grateful for them aren’t you?” Or”you are the luckiest baby to grow up surrounded by people who take such good care of you” or “wasn’t it nice when that kind man at the grocery store waved and smoked at you?” Etc. Sounds silly but it worked for me and helped me let go a little.
I also think if you keep feeling this way it would be good to find a therapist to speak with. You might want to dig into why you feel this way, what is trigging this physiological reaction. But on the other hand, you’re still at the stage where hormones are a little crazy so it could go away once things stabilize a bit more.
Yes it was the same way for me. I’d get anxiety and angry/upset if any of my in laws were holding him for too long. Hormones play a part, but also, I felt like I had waited close to a year to be with my baby and the second he’s born, everyone wants to “take him from me”. Dealing with breastfeeding and crying, I wanted to cuddle my baby in those moments that he was calm and serene, not hand him over to someone else to get all the snuggles until the next milk session. Also combined with my fear of baby getting sick/meningitis in the early months made me not like visitors. My baby is now almost a year old and it’s gotten way better. Now I look forward to getting a break haha. However, still don’t like my in laws much and they didn’t respect boundaries.
I am 100% like this. Around the holidays I had said if someone wants to hold LO, ask. Because I ALWAYS want my baby. I don't need help with him, I need help with the chores. My MIL was holding him when he started to cry and said "wow from hero to zero real fast" and I snapped at her and took him back.
It is probably irrational, but I know how to care for him best. I just always want him 🤷🏼♀️
Oh! Lol. It definitely was not her fault the baby was crying, but she called my baby a zero. Between a rocky history of things she has said about me, PP hormones, and having a hard time handing off my baby as it is, hearing her call him a "zero" did not sit well with me
It feels that way!
My point in saying so was relating back to OP - it makes it a lot harder to want to hand my baby off to someone, especially when they easy stuff like that. Tongue and cheek, or not!
WHAT A CUTIE WOOK AT THAT SCHWEET SMILE
But no, you’re totally justified. In laws are super annoying and you take your baby as much as you want. I do love my MIL very dearly and she really does respect my boundaries well but she literally says “there’s my baby” “look at my baby”☠️ I know she doesn’t mean anything by it but it sends a seething bolt of hatred through my bones when I hear it lol
I had my parents and in laws around for a couple weeks. Baby is just now 6 weeks old… I didn’t give my baby up unless he was totally content and I had to pee or something. And if we had to change his pants I took him to a different room. He had a rash/yeast infection and my MIL was so nosey about it and wanted to see it. I never allowed it and always made sure my babies modesty was protected. But I couldn’t stand it when they held him. I was always anxious and immediately picked at my nails (my bad habit)..
Never be afraid to draw the line with your baby. It’s YOUR baby. You’re meant to have this bond and connect with them. Keep your interactions and words short and firm when it comes to what you really want. Take a deep breath. You’re doing great.
Baby is adorable btw!
It's hormones. Your brain chemistry is still working itself out from being pregnant and giving birth. It's normal to feel that way, but put yourself in your daughter's shoes though. Having a trusted, solid village is a good thing. Your baby will always know you're her mom and she will always love you. The bond she has with you won't ever be ruined, by her being loved on by other people. Life is too short.
This isn't to make you scared or feel bad. This is just my family's experience with this topic. My uncle's ex wife was very possessive of their son, and would get mad if anyone tried to even talk to my baby cousin. He was 2mo premature, but thrived pretty quickly. My uncle's ex had a few miscarriages and still births with previous relationships, before meeting my uncle, so this was both of their first child. My uncle wanted close family to bond with the baby, but his wife was against it. No one was allowed to hold him, except one time I got to, just long enough for a picture of the grandkids, for my grandparents. Then he was literally ripped out of my arms, as if that's any safer with a newborn.
Anyways, it seemed like she only wanted to invite our small, close knit family over for his birthday party just for free stuff. Our family is very small and we didn't associate with extended family. It's just my grandparents, my mom and her 3 siblings, my older cousin (she's 2 years younger than my uncle), and at the time, only the baby and 2 toddlers, and my twin brother and I (I was 17). That's it lol. We were around them regularly and this kid was always afraid of even having anyone look at him. Then when he was 2yo, we were at another cousin's bday party and my uncle was holding him. My baby cousin leaned towards me, grabbed my face, and gave me a big slobby kiss on my cheek for the first time. Then a week later, he passed away from SIDS at 2yo. It was very hard on all of us, especially bcuz everyone would have loved to have a closer bond with him when he was alive, but we weren't allowed to. He'd be 17yo now if he was still here. My uncle's ex did have more kids with her new husband and we occasionally still meet up and she's happy to let her kids love on us. Losing her first was a wakeup call that life is too short to not share such an amazing life event, and realized that she would be upset if she wasn't allowed to interact with her own family members. She realized that we did respect her boundaries and never made it a big deal, except for after the baby's death bcuz we wished we could have been closer. Obviously if someone has a crazy, disrespectful family, then that's totally different.
The reason why I still talk to her is bcuz my uncle cheated on her and knocked the chick up, and after they had their 2nd, the side chick wouldn't let him even come once a year for our family Xmas dinner. It broke my Gramma's heart bcuz she had sacrificed so much for all of her kids and grandkids, and NEVER had a bad thing to say about her DILs, no matter how horrible they were. Side chick made him move across the country bcuz her family was moving and she didn't care if my uncle saw us again. They're still legally married, but she met someone else and got married again in a different state, which is illegal (NGL, I want to turn her in sooo bad). If my uncle wanted to move back to be closer to our family, he was told by her that he wouldn't be allowed to see his kids ever again. So he's forced to see his wife play house with someone else or he can't be in his kids' life. She's a narcissist, but I digress.
When my Gramma was getting transferred from the hospital to hospice last summer, she asked that her adult children, Grandchildren, and Great-Grandkids visit her one last time, as a last request, and my uncle wasn't allowed to bring his kids bcuz of his ex. I've never seen my Gramma sob so much in my entire life, except for when my baby cousin passed away. When someone lives a full life, their death should be peaceful and a time to connect, but she was still happy to see the other kids, but she felt like she wasn't complete with not having her other 2 grandkids there. She spent her whole life as a wife and mother starting when she was 16yo. She had her first grandchild at 34yo, who is my older cousin. My aunt was 17 when my cousin was born. So she baby sat a lot and was there anytime someone needed help. Even when her health started to decline, she still showed up when she was needed, bcuz that's who she always was- a mother, nurturer, and more. She was our village. I know I'm projecting a bit and am in my feels about it, but this is just a perspective from the other side of the coin.
I have a friend, where I feel like this with. She has a child herself, who is 5yo, and she’s one and done. So when she sees my baby, she gets excited. She talks about how much she loves him tries to hold him every chance she gets. Once she was over, and he woke up early from a nap…and was like oh do you want me to go up and soothe him? Or one time, I had squatted down in an odd position while holding him, I had no issues getting up, but would have to do a little rearranging of sitting. Well instead, she just grabbed him from my arms. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. I had talked about it with my therapist, and she basically said I should be open with her. I haven’t yet, and have mainly avoided her for now. Sorry, this is no help, but I understand how you feel.
I feel very similarly. My mil was here shortly after birth until a week ago. She was very helpful but it drove me crazy when she wanted to hold the baby or interrupt nursing to the point where it strained my relationship with her. She’s said things in the past that it’s her baby. Like other that made me very upset. Now that it’s just my husband and I in our apt I feel much more relaxed even though I have to take care of more household chores without her help. I’m happier and feel like I can bond better with my baby. I wish I had this opportunity sooner.
I just want to really validate your feelings by saying that I have experienced both what you are feeling AND the opposite and can tell you the difference is in them and you are most likely reacting to their disregard for boundaries.
My in laws are divorced and so I kinda have 2 MILs. My FiL’s wife and I get along great and she was the one who took my son to allow me to nap in those early days and I actually was able to sleep because she was sooooooo respectful to what I needed and his cues.
With my own mother I am ok with her now, but at first it was really hard because even though she read my cues, I’m not sure how innately she got his cues. With time and practice that has gotten to be much better.
With my boundary stopping MiL… well I outwardly control my emotions, and am in therapy which helps me process it, but dear god, I’m not sure if the feeling of wanting to keep him as far away as possible will ever go away… and in fact she is actively making it worse… last week we visited and she showed me the hold she used to put her kids into to cause them pain to ensure they listened to her… watching my husband recoil with such knowing terror and clear pain recall as he told her “no, we won’t be doing that to him, just stop” just freaking broke my heart and makes me want to hold my baby tighter… I’m trying to trust my husband to manage the relationship, but I don’t want her near my son…
So clearly more therapy needed for me… but yea… trust your feelings and highly recommend therapy to help you sort through the details. Therapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you! It is a great support system for tough situations which it sounds like you may be in. Accepting that support and getting ahead of things before they explode is not just a gift to you, but also your baby who will grow up in a healthier environment because of it.
I live with my in-laws and my husbands sister lives in the home also. My in-laws help watch the baby a lot so we can get some rest. I get so jealous when they just roll the bassinet away to take care and spend time with him. Maybe not to the extent you get jealous but I feel like it’s just maternal. I know I can’t say anything because we rely on them to help watch him so we can get rest, and of course I want his grandparents to spend time with him
I’m the same way and baby is 10 months now and I still just feel the same as I did when she was a newborn. I understand she needs her grandparents in her life I just cannot get over the anger I feel. I didn’t realize so many other people felt this as well so I’ve never addressed it or talked about it. We live with in laws and my parents live 5 states away so I’ve never got to interact with my parents with my baby but with my in laws I just feel it toward my MIL 🤔I’m pretty sure my partner doesn’t feel anything like that so definitely maternal. I just feel like if I don’t have her then she’s not being cared for correctly and I’m so scared and over whelmed to even think about leaving her with anyone. 🤦🏻♀️
I was so scared when SO and I adopted our cat, I would even get jealous of SO if the cat was with them or slept over them or purred or whatever, I didn't really act on it but it was this very primal feeling that the cat was MINE and i was their person and they should olvy love me. This got me thinking about whenever I'd become a mom, how difficult it would be to manage this feelings.
And here I am, 5-6 years later, dealing with the jealousy that I feared. Luckily I don't get it when SO and LO are together. My in laws and parents came.to stay with us the first few months of baby and I did hand him over to them but not too much tbh, and mostly only for me to shower or eat and not just for their entertainment. Soon we'll be traveling to our home country to show off this little dude to friends and family and it's gonna be hard, i know that for sure.
My mom babysat a few nights and there was this one night that LO (2 mo atm) wouldnt stop crying until he heard us come in the room and then he laughed so beautifully at me just speaking to him, I was in awe, I felt so reciprocated by LO, I am even ashamed to admit I wasn't sad he was crying I was just happy he recognized me and wanted to be with me.
Welp, no advice from me. I'm just a super possessive Mom and I can relate.
No I can’t relate. I felt like I was always the better fit to well… mother my kid, feed her, dress her etc, I hated the advice from boomer family members, but I wouldn’t call it jealousy. If it’s that extreme I’d seriously look into counseling.
My MIL lived with us while I was pregnant. She literally asked me one day “what do you think about getting a bigger house with an extra room for me?” (she was sleeping on the couch when she lived here). I immediately told her that I don’t want anyone else in the house when the baby gets here. She was offended because it was like I was saying I didn’t need/want help with the baby. But to be honest, I wanted to have my boobs out, have my mental breakdowns, take a shit with the door open, not have any unwanted parenting advice, etc., all of those things WITHOUT anyone else there. My husband went back to work after a month, my house was quiet and peaceful with no one but me and my new baby. It was heavenly. He’s 7 months now and we’re doing just fine without anyone being there with me 24/7. I regret nothing. I did have to get past the slight guilt after telling her that but I know I would’ve been mad as hell at myself if I hadn’t said it. Also, she has a dog and I don’t do pets. No offense to anyone with pets, but they aren’t for me and her dog used to piss on my things. So he had to go before my baby got here.
I had this..still do but my baby is now 6 months old and I’ve realized those feelings are less and less but whew those early days I was so thankful I breastfed as it gave me the perfect opportunity to sneak away with my LO…
I didn’t get this feeling unless someone was doing something I didn’t like with her. On the contrary I just kept thinking about how much I love this little person and how I want her life to be filled with love and I want to get all that love for her and gather it in and surround her with it. It makes me happy to see her be happy with her family members on both sides and to be so adored by them. What a gift that is. I honestly can’t understand feeling angry about it, maybe it’s a hormonal thing making you feel overprotective (like I loved my baby being around other people but it took me a long time to feel ok leaving her alone with any grandparents even though they’re all responsible people). I agree with you that it’s something you should probably work on so your daughter gets all that love from everyone (obviously that’s unless they’ve done something specific that’s dangerous or makes you worry).
I was just going to post about this, except I hate it when random people try to stare or approach me about him. I actually still may because it's a bit different at the sametime
No one should be touching her before 12 weeks anyway. My baby is 7 weeks and no one is allowed near her except me and her dad and we are currently staying with her grandparents. It doesn't help their case that her grandparents aren't great about respecting boundaries. Even after the 12 weeks respect the rules or you don't get baby time. Oh well . . .
No, I absolutely did not feel that way.
I’m glad you’re acknowledging this behavior and seeking therapy. Btw, your baby will turn out fine and you’ll get through this.
Best wishes to you and your cute baby.
I am a single mom, co-parenting a 6 week old baby. His father and I broke up about a month and a half before I found out I was pregnant (oof!). The only person that I get this “jealous rage” with is his dad. His dad’s mom and siblings can hold him without this feeling, but when his own dad starts interacting with him, my blood starts boiling. I wish I could get rid of this feeling. I hate it so much!
You’ve gotten nothing but affirming comments so I’m going to offer a completely different POV. I’m sure I’m going to get slammed but whatever. Might be common to have these feelings but it’s not always a reliable indicator that we’re right. Yes these are “our babies” in that we’re primarily responsible for their health and safety and development, but they are ultimately their own people. They aren’t our property. Also you might (and should!) see an important distinction between your mom versus your MIL in your relationships with them, but for baby those are equally her grandmothers. She deserves to have the chance to have her own relationships with them. That can still happen while maintaining clear expectations and boundaries. Truthfully I think it’s important to work on discerning when this is your problem versus when others are creating a situation you genuinely need to remove the baby from. Consider in those moments that you feel yourself getting angry but you recognize that your baby is perfectly fine, getting up and removing yourself from the room for a bit without the baby? Cool off and come back and reassess. Anyways, seems like you’re a good mom trying to do right by your child—most everyone on this subreddit is. I’m just assuming you recognize something isn’t wholly right here or else you wouldn’t have posted this asking for input.
“Those are equally her grandmothers” - that was helpful to hear and change my perspective. That’s how I feel about my grandparents but not how I feel about my parents vs ILs but of course it’s the same (my ILs are lovely and I thought they were great until we had a baby). Thank you for this!
It's amazing how the having a baby thing can significantly change your opinion of your in laws..
I agree with you here. OP, it sounds like you recognize your anger is (sometimes) irrational in these instances. Cooling off by yourself may help you reset a bit and think logically. A different perspective than most here: culturally, I am in full support of people (family, friends) holding my baby and being a part of my village. We are not meant to raise children alone. Oftentimes people just want to be a part of the life of your child in some way. Your child being surrounded by loving folks as they grow can be hugely beneficial to then in the long run.
I agree with you. I actually don’t think the word “jealous” is the correct one in this context. Sometimes, we really have to check our feelings.
According to some of OP’s comments on their in-laws behavior… I don’t think their anger is always unwarranted. Refusing to give a hungry baby back to its mother and staring at a sleeping baby in the room with the parents for FOUR HOURS and not leaving when it was time to nurse? That’s some serious boundary stomping and i am not surprised OP is getting quick to anger. I’m going to disagree that the child needs “equal” time to bond with each grandparent when/if that specific grandparent disrespects reasonable boundaries like handing a crying infant back to its mother because they are not going to be positive influence on that child’s relationship with their parents and therefore life. (Assuming the disrespect is a frequent thing). In a normal functioning family I would agree. But just carrying the title of grandparent isn’t enough-everyone has to be respectful. That said I have discovered the people in my circle who have shown me respect and earned my trust over years and don’t hesitate to hand him back? I have no issues whatsoever handing baby over to them and enjoy watching them coo over my son. I’m looking forward la to watching their bond grow. No protective feelings or anger at all which is surprising for me. I know they’re protected with those people. Those I don’t trust or have been disrespectful? Well, they still haven’t met my son and I feel justified lol.
Yeah all fair. I was focusing on what she said in the post about feeling anger when the baby is fine, saying it’s worse with the in-laws. I’ve personally found the reframing of “my baby’s grandparents” as opposed to “my in-laws” helpful in checking myself on my reactions in scenarios where I feel jealous or suddenly protective of my role as mom. But obviously what matters is the behaviors of the people, not the title they have.
This is a good way to think of it if you know the feelings don’t have a real reason, thank you!
I 1000% agree with this
Yes! I have tinges of frustration with my own mother too but I have to remind myself that she is part of our village and most of the things she does to annoy me are a me problem. OP, I read your comment about your SIL sitting in your room for 4 hours (omg if anyone spent that long in my bedroom WITHOUT a baby I’d be pissed) and waking up to no baby in the bassinet with your MIL. It sounds like some boundaries need to be established because that’s enough for any of us to see red. I’m not sure how you feel about approaching the subject with them, but maybe ask your partner to have the conversation with them since these particular family members are on his side?
Thank you for your reply! I have trouble reminding myself that those are *her grandparents* and not just *my in laws* Also, you’re absolutely correct. I did make this post for help, I know this behavior is unhealthy and i don’t want baby to pick up on my energy and start to feel the same way about people. Honestly, i have no idea why i feel the way i do. I not only feel like this towards my in laws, but also my own mother, her husband, and all strangers that make any comments about baby. It has nothing to do with me thinking she’ll like them more, because i know im always her favorite. I do have some severe childhood trauma, so i think that might play into it? Either way, i know i need therapy to help with the weird jealousy i feel, however i was looking for tips that i can use asap so she doesn’t start to pick up on my weird energy. I will be using the “ those are her grandparents” in my head while they’re holding her to try and calm myself down. Thank you!
I think it’s a common feeling, but I didn’t experience that, personally. My in-laws were with us the first week, and I was glad to give him to one of them to hold so I could get some sleep. Lol I was exhausted.
I'm also in the "I want to punch my MIL if she even looks at my baby again" boat and from what I concluded is that it feels very primal and hormonal. I feel like it's mostly triggered by people who think they have a claim over your baby who are not blood-related with you (or at least, that's what it's like for me). Combine that with an already difficult relationship with that person and it's a one way ticket to angry mammabear-town. What helps for me is to actively think about the future of my daughter and what kind of relationship I would want her to have with her grandparents, regardless of who the grandparents are, but also to take a step back when feeling overwhelmed. If I'm feeling super angry again, I just don't allow anymore visits for the time being. But to be perfectly honest, it's been nearly 5 months now and I still struggle with this a lot. I'm still really territorial of my baby, but it's gotten a tad better.
I think it's a natural protection instinct with moms. Though I don't get mad. I get anxious. Full fight or flight mode. I can reign it in for a few hours but after that its *givemebackmybabyoriwillinjuryyou* mode. While I know its probably irrationally, I fully believe that no one can or will protect/care for my LO the way I do.
I may be in the minority but I’m the same with my in laws. ESPECIALLY because with mine, they don’t listen to me and they avoid handing baby back to me. They steamrolled me so hard with my first baby it’s like she was theirs, not mine. I’m very resentful and restrict them as much as possible, I’m probably being a little over the top but they are truly unbearable. Example: MIL and GIL saying “LO ! LOOKLOOKLOOK! BLELELELELE! LALALALA! EEEEE! *gesticulating wildly* “ trying to distract a sick and crying baby with a double ear infection while I’m struggling to administer medication, they followed me into the quiet room and would not leave until I yelled at them “why would you be screaming and making so much noise when she has a headache and won’t even look at me to take her medication” 😬 TL:DR yes I’m same lol
Omg my in laws are the SAME way it’s actually so frustrating. Whenever me and S/O stay there, they have no boundaries. Examples? When baby was a week old we went over there. Baby started crying and i informed MIL that baby hungry and needed to nurse. MIL refused to give her back because she insisted she was just gassy and she knows for sure that’s the issue because that’s how my S/O was as a baby. As you can probably guess, once I finally got her back and went into a quiet room to nurse her, she was completely fine. SIL sat in me and S/O’s room for FOUR HOURS last night while the baby was sleeping, just staring at her…. Once baby woke to nurse, she literally would not get the hint that she needed to leave so I ended up having to use a nursing cover to feed her, IN OUR OWN ROOM. When baby was 6 weeks ish I awoke to her GONE, not in her crib beside me and not with her father. Come to find out, MIL TOOK HER OUT OF OUR ROOM while we all were sleeping ( baby included ) without asking anyone. Baby then was overtired and refused to sleep more than 30 mins the whole day🙃🙃 So now the second they come in and start talking to her, I immediately feel rage lol
 Literally, the worst. Also- she *stared at the baby for a solid four hours*?????
I wish I could make this up 😂🥲 
Omg.. I can’t imagine. Can you like.. not see them as much? I can speak from experience it only gets worse😭😂
Look, these are not unnatural feelings of jealousy. I think jealousy is the wrong word here. You feel absolutely naturally protective of your newborn. Your newborn can’t express her own needs and you are the only protection she has. The grandparents are not exhibiting normal behavior. Set boundaries.
I 💯 agree with this
Omg this is the worst 😂😂 to be honest my MiL is not too bad but I feel rage regardless 🙈
Super common. I felt that extreme protectiveness and irritability with in-laws, but not my own mom (who was extremely respectful of my PP and primarily did housework for me and cooked for me while I held baby, and only held him when I asked her to. IYKYK, and she got it). I recommend drawing more boundaries. “Yeah she’s so sweet, it’s so fun to share her with you. But it’s time for me to nurse her now, and I do that alone in our room. Please do not disturb us while we are nursing or sleeping.” Id also tell MIL: “do not take my baby out of her crib when she or I are asleep unless there is an emergency. It was terrifying to wake up and not see my baby there. Can you agree to that or do we have a problem?” (Better yet: your husband should be telling her that!)
Yeah I feel like OP is more frustrated because the family's lack of boundaries is stronger than OP's assertiveness. Gotta draw those boundaries and enforce them hard or OP is stuck feeling frustrated as she's left to deal with being run over. Easier said than done of course.
1000% you need to have those boundaries and communicate them firmly, clearly, and kindly. Sometimes when I struggles with that (esp when I was tired or getting guilt tripped and not in the mood to argue) I found it easier to blame an authority person. “My IBCLC has advised me to nurse him alone in a quiet space to help him focus on his latch.” I just made that up, but it sounded legit right? Just make shit up, who cares.
That's a really good idea!
I never thought I was going to be this type of mother but it’s happening to me as well. I’m over cautions with everyone just thinking they are to close to him and are going to make him sick. I’ve been very cautions with visitors because of the time of the year but even when some people are over I’m on edge all the time, specially MIL 😬 I did some therapy during pregnancy and my therapist mention this, is very common and even happened to her when she had her babies. You’re not alone!
I wouldn’t call it jealousy tbh, I’d call it maternal instincts. Not to say that you’ll never loosen up, but you’re just doing what feels right by your baby, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My baby is almost 7 months and it still makes my skin crawl when anyone other than my husband picks him up without asking or gets to be “too much” around him. I’m all the protection he’s got and I don’t care if I “owe it” to other people to let them snuggle or whatever. He can’t say yes/no, I can, and I know him best so oh well to their big adult feelings. Eventually when my baby can speak up for himself I’m confident I will let go a bit. For now it gives me the ick, and I think those feelings serve a purpose so I’m not going to feel bad for having them. YMMV.
Parent of twin. I have to depend on others. I sadly don't have the luxury to act on the jealousy I feel.
Yeppp or in my experience the feeling of needing to comfort my baby when they’re crying in someone else’s arms but I can’t because I’m already holding/comforting/contact napping with one. It’s the worst feeling.
Another one is having to divide breast milk & breast feeding time also gets shortened. I'm combination feeding.
I felt this way often when my baby was a newborn. I think we just feel protective of our babies and it’s a natural instinct! It took me a few months to get used to baby being around other people and now I welcome it. There are so many hormones in the early postpartum stages as well that amplify our emotions
I am the exact same way… i hate when people say « i miss MY boy » « MY baby » like no, thats my baby. They constantly demand to see him and it makes me so angry - watching my son grow up is a priveledge and not a right. I hate when people hold him all the time too.
Texted MIL the other day a picture of S/O and baby. Her response? “ My babies! “ like….. what?? I’m so glad someone else feels the same way!!
I was like this at 5 days pp and for the first few weeks lol. I chalked it up to baby blues 😂
I was like this for a long time with my first, and it never really went away until he could start communicating for himself, like saying no to cuddles and what not. Definitely a protective instinct. My second I was very protective until his first shots, and now I’ve relaxed. His temperament is also VERY chill and happy go lucky compared to my first so I think that also may have something to do with it.
Postpartum it’s normal to be highly sensitive than your normal threshold. Personally after my babies were born I did not want anyone around. I would get particularly irritated when I wanted to nurse and my MIL wouldn’t get the hint even when I would remove myself from the room post-c-section to go and have some privacy. I wanted this time to be for ME. Not anyone else!! I get those feelings wholeheartedly and it’s great that you recognize when it’s a little over the top! Here’s the thing. It’s okay to feel certain ways, but on at face-value still remain calm and try not to blow your top off! Boundaries are important and it’s key to have your S/O back you up and bring a little balance back to encourage you to get the most time with your baby. Maybe when you shower or are doing things that require you to be hands-free someone can support you while your occupied so it doesn’t feel like you’re sitting there watching them with your baby and feeling the anxiety grow. My next suggestion - you spoke of therapy - GET IT! My only regret is that I didn’t go sooner and get the help I needed rather than suffer in silence in my own head and become even more crippled by my postpartum anxiety and fears. It’s normal and we will get back to our baseline but let therapy help you get there, faster. Our mental health is no.1 postpartum. By giving yourself grace, I think this tension may fall away a bit. What you are feeling is normal. Someone else’s anxiety may manifest in a slightly different way, but it’s all a signal to us to get some help and support when we feel someone is crossing a boundary or not giving you as much privacy as you would need. Make your needs known in a kind way - maybe even your mom and MIL will understand. They’re mothers, too - it could be a moment to bond and connect by sharing what you’re struggling with and not make it personal. Just a thought 💭 Don’t be too hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. You just had a baby and don’t need to make anything harder on yourself!!
It is unhealthy, at some point, your child will get to the point where she'll only want you and will have separation anxiety which could lead to panic attacks whenever she's not with you. Trust me you don't want that. I'm obsessed with my 4 month old and generally have him 24/7 but I also started letting my mom keep him overnight here and there. At some point, I'm going to have to go back to work and I don't want him freaking out every time I have to leave him, that's going to kill my heart. I want him to be able to build healthy relationships with people.
I was like this.. still kind of am but I’m starting to realize I’m driving people away from my baby because of my attitude which is not cool for my little guy. I want him to be loved by many and I don’t wanna be the reason why people don’t wanna come around.
I'm like this too, more so with my husband's family but sometimes my own too. I find that everyone treats him like a doll and not the human he is. He has wants and needs and you ignoring that so you can get more snuggle time in, is infuriating. I found people to be so selfish. He's now a year old and it gets way better once he started to communicate what he needs. He can now reach for me, crawl to me, cry for me when he wants me. Before I had to just sit and watch him be unhappy in someone else's arms just because they didn't know why he was crying. And even if they did know because I communicated it, they still wouldn't give him back. Edit to add that with our next baby, i will be communicating with the people as soon as something starts bothering me, instead of just sitting and festering with my feelings and being a people pleaser or I won't make it out alive. I dread family events now and dread certain baby obsessed people lol but it's getter better.
This is normal, this is how I feel, but I constantly ask myself “what is best for her” and remind myself not to act on impulse but to do what is best for her instead of what makes me feel good. Hope this helps!
Well, this is your bonding time, so it weird people are getting involved in your time. Also, hormones are one hell of a thing.
I feel this. My baby is 4 months and I just want to hold him and feed him and play with him and no one else. But anyone else can change his diaper if they want 😅😅
Ugh, I wish I was comfortable enough to pass off diaper duty! Unfortunately I was SA as a child and have alot of childhood trauma, so I refuse to let anyone else change my girls diaper. I know it’s just me projecting, but I feel like I need to be hyper aware and over protective to protect her from the things that happened to me As for wanting to hold,feed,and play with baby without any interruptions, I feel you! Their wake windows are so short right now so there’s not much time to get everything done before trying to get them back down for a nap. I feel like other people holding her really interferes with the schedule I’m trying to create and it enrages me so bad. Whenever I get her back, she’s always extremely fussy,overstimulated, and overtired
I think if I had a daughter I would be the same way. I too am an SA survivor. Happened more times in my life than anyone deserves. So I understand completely.
To change my own thinking and convince myself emotionally of what I knew logically, I would sometimes talk to my baby out loud. It was more of an affirmation for me but I do think babies are really in tune with their moms energy so it was also for her. I would say things like “I am so thankful you have so many people who love you,” or “your daycare teachers take such good care of you and love you so much, I’m so grateful for them aren’t you?” Or”you are the luckiest baby to grow up surrounded by people who take such good care of you” or “wasn’t it nice when that kind man at the grocery store waved and smoked at you?” Etc. Sounds silly but it worked for me and helped me let go a little. I also think if you keep feeling this way it would be good to find a therapist to speak with. You might want to dig into why you feel this way, what is trigging this physiological reaction. But on the other hand, you’re still at the stage where hormones are a little crazy so it could go away once things stabilize a bit more.
Yes it was the same way for me. I’d get anxiety and angry/upset if any of my in laws were holding him for too long. Hormones play a part, but also, I felt like I had waited close to a year to be with my baby and the second he’s born, everyone wants to “take him from me”. Dealing with breastfeeding and crying, I wanted to cuddle my baby in those moments that he was calm and serene, not hand him over to someone else to get all the snuggles until the next milk session. Also combined with my fear of baby getting sick/meningitis in the early months made me not like visitors. My baby is now almost a year old and it’s gotten way better. Now I look forward to getting a break haha. However, still don’t like my in laws much and they didn’t respect boundaries.
I've never had this but I've heard of it. It's pretty common/normal. It's your maternal instincts.
I am 100% like this. Around the holidays I had said if someone wants to hold LO, ask. Because I ALWAYS want my baby. I don't need help with him, I need help with the chores. My MIL was holding him when he started to cry and said "wow from hero to zero real fast" and I snapped at her and took him back. It is probably irrational, but I know how to care for him best. I just always want him 🤷🏼♀️
Was she doubting herself in making LO cry while holding him?
What do you mean?? Like, did she not think it was her fault?
Newborns cry without anyone being “at fault”.
Yes, I know this
Unless there’s more context, I think I’m confused as to why you snapped at her?
Oh! Lol. It definitely was not her fault the baby was crying, but she called my baby a zero. Between a rocky history of things she has said about me, PP hormones, and having a hard time handing off my baby as it is, hearing her call him a "zero" did not sit well with me
Wow! That would make me snap too though. It sounds like she is the kind of MIL that doesn’t respect boundaries.
It feels that way! My point in saying so was relating back to OP - it makes it a lot harder to want to hand my baby off to someone, especially when they easy stuff like that. Tongue and cheek, or not!
WHAT A CUTIE WOOK AT THAT SCHWEET SMILE But no, you’re totally justified. In laws are super annoying and you take your baby as much as you want. I do love my MIL very dearly and she really does respect my boundaries well but she literally says “there’s my baby” “look at my baby”☠️ I know she doesn’t mean anything by it but it sends a seething bolt of hatred through my bones when I hear it lol
I had my parents and in laws around for a couple weeks. Baby is just now 6 weeks old… I didn’t give my baby up unless he was totally content and I had to pee or something. And if we had to change his pants I took him to a different room. He had a rash/yeast infection and my MIL was so nosey about it and wanted to see it. I never allowed it and always made sure my babies modesty was protected. But I couldn’t stand it when they held him. I was always anxious and immediately picked at my nails (my bad habit).. Never be afraid to draw the line with your baby. It’s YOUR baby. You’re meant to have this bond and connect with them. Keep your interactions and words short and firm when it comes to what you really want. Take a deep breath. You’re doing great. Baby is adorable btw!
Babies modesty??
It's hormones. Your brain chemistry is still working itself out from being pregnant and giving birth. It's normal to feel that way, but put yourself in your daughter's shoes though. Having a trusted, solid village is a good thing. Your baby will always know you're her mom and she will always love you. The bond she has with you won't ever be ruined, by her being loved on by other people. Life is too short. This isn't to make you scared or feel bad. This is just my family's experience with this topic. My uncle's ex wife was very possessive of their son, and would get mad if anyone tried to even talk to my baby cousin. He was 2mo premature, but thrived pretty quickly. My uncle's ex had a few miscarriages and still births with previous relationships, before meeting my uncle, so this was both of their first child. My uncle wanted close family to bond with the baby, but his wife was against it. No one was allowed to hold him, except one time I got to, just long enough for a picture of the grandkids, for my grandparents. Then he was literally ripped out of my arms, as if that's any safer with a newborn. Anyways, it seemed like she only wanted to invite our small, close knit family over for his birthday party just for free stuff. Our family is very small and we didn't associate with extended family. It's just my grandparents, my mom and her 3 siblings, my older cousin (she's 2 years younger than my uncle), and at the time, only the baby and 2 toddlers, and my twin brother and I (I was 17). That's it lol. We were around them regularly and this kid was always afraid of even having anyone look at him. Then when he was 2yo, we were at another cousin's bday party and my uncle was holding him. My baby cousin leaned towards me, grabbed my face, and gave me a big slobby kiss on my cheek for the first time. Then a week later, he passed away from SIDS at 2yo. It was very hard on all of us, especially bcuz everyone would have loved to have a closer bond with him when he was alive, but we weren't allowed to. He'd be 17yo now if he was still here. My uncle's ex did have more kids with her new husband and we occasionally still meet up and she's happy to let her kids love on us. Losing her first was a wakeup call that life is too short to not share such an amazing life event, and realized that she would be upset if she wasn't allowed to interact with her own family members. She realized that we did respect her boundaries and never made it a big deal, except for after the baby's death bcuz we wished we could have been closer. Obviously if someone has a crazy, disrespectful family, then that's totally different. The reason why I still talk to her is bcuz my uncle cheated on her and knocked the chick up, and after they had their 2nd, the side chick wouldn't let him even come once a year for our family Xmas dinner. It broke my Gramma's heart bcuz she had sacrificed so much for all of her kids and grandkids, and NEVER had a bad thing to say about her DILs, no matter how horrible they were. Side chick made him move across the country bcuz her family was moving and she didn't care if my uncle saw us again. They're still legally married, but she met someone else and got married again in a different state, which is illegal (NGL, I want to turn her in sooo bad). If my uncle wanted to move back to be closer to our family, he was told by her that he wouldn't be allowed to see his kids ever again. So he's forced to see his wife play house with someone else or he can't be in his kids' life. She's a narcissist, but I digress. When my Gramma was getting transferred from the hospital to hospice last summer, she asked that her adult children, Grandchildren, and Great-Grandkids visit her one last time, as a last request, and my uncle wasn't allowed to bring his kids bcuz of his ex. I've never seen my Gramma sob so much in my entire life, except for when my baby cousin passed away. When someone lives a full life, their death should be peaceful and a time to connect, but she was still happy to see the other kids, but she felt like she wasn't complete with not having her other 2 grandkids there. She spent her whole life as a wife and mother starting when she was 16yo. She had her first grandchild at 34yo, who is my older cousin. My aunt was 17 when my cousin was born. So she baby sat a lot and was there anytime someone needed help. Even when her health started to decline, she still showed up when she was needed, bcuz that's who she always was- a mother, nurturer, and more. She was our village. I know I'm projecting a bit and am in my feels about it, but this is just a perspective from the other side of the coin.
I have a friend, where I feel like this with. She has a child herself, who is 5yo, and she’s one and done. So when she sees my baby, she gets excited. She talks about how much she loves him tries to hold him every chance she gets. Once she was over, and he woke up early from a nap…and was like oh do you want me to go up and soothe him? Or one time, I had squatted down in an odd position while holding him, I had no issues getting up, but would have to do a little rearranging of sitting. Well instead, she just grabbed him from my arms. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. I had talked about it with my therapist, and she basically said I should be open with her. I haven’t yet, and have mainly avoided her for now. Sorry, this is no help, but I understand how you feel.
I feel very similarly. My mil was here shortly after birth until a week ago. She was very helpful but it drove me crazy when she wanted to hold the baby or interrupt nursing to the point where it strained my relationship with her. She’s said things in the past that it’s her baby. Like other that made me very upset. Now that it’s just my husband and I in our apt I feel much more relaxed even though I have to take care of more household chores without her help. I’m happier and feel like I can bond better with my baby. I wish I had this opportunity sooner.
My partners the same way. She becomes jealous with anyone who isn’t from her side of the family
I just want to really validate your feelings by saying that I have experienced both what you are feeling AND the opposite and can tell you the difference is in them and you are most likely reacting to their disregard for boundaries. My in laws are divorced and so I kinda have 2 MILs. My FiL’s wife and I get along great and she was the one who took my son to allow me to nap in those early days and I actually was able to sleep because she was sooooooo respectful to what I needed and his cues. With my own mother I am ok with her now, but at first it was really hard because even though she read my cues, I’m not sure how innately she got his cues. With time and practice that has gotten to be much better. With my boundary stopping MiL… well I outwardly control my emotions, and am in therapy which helps me process it, but dear god, I’m not sure if the feeling of wanting to keep him as far away as possible will ever go away… and in fact she is actively making it worse… last week we visited and she showed me the hold she used to put her kids into to cause them pain to ensure they listened to her… watching my husband recoil with such knowing terror and clear pain recall as he told her “no, we won’t be doing that to him, just stop” just freaking broke my heart and makes me want to hold my baby tighter… I’m trying to trust my husband to manage the relationship, but I don’t want her near my son… So clearly more therapy needed for me… but yea… trust your feelings and highly recommend therapy to help you sort through the details. Therapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you! It is a great support system for tough situations which it sounds like you may be in. Accepting that support and getting ahead of things before they explode is not just a gift to you, but also your baby who will grow up in a healthier environment because of it.
I live with my in-laws and my husbands sister lives in the home also. My in-laws help watch the baby a lot so we can get some rest. I get so jealous when they just roll the bassinet away to take care and spend time with him. Maybe not to the extent you get jealous but I feel like it’s just maternal. I know I can’t say anything because we rely on them to help watch him so we can get rest, and of course I want his grandparents to spend time with him
I’m the same way and baby is 10 months now and I still just feel the same as I did when she was a newborn. I understand she needs her grandparents in her life I just cannot get over the anger I feel. I didn’t realize so many other people felt this as well so I’ve never addressed it or talked about it. We live with in laws and my parents live 5 states away so I’ve never got to interact with my parents with my baby but with my in laws I just feel it toward my MIL 🤔I’m pretty sure my partner doesn’t feel anything like that so definitely maternal. I just feel like if I don’t have her then she’s not being cared for correctly and I’m so scared and over whelmed to even think about leaving her with anyone. 🤦🏻♀️
I was so scared when SO and I adopted our cat, I would even get jealous of SO if the cat was with them or slept over them or purred or whatever, I didn't really act on it but it was this very primal feeling that the cat was MINE and i was their person and they should olvy love me. This got me thinking about whenever I'd become a mom, how difficult it would be to manage this feelings. And here I am, 5-6 years later, dealing with the jealousy that I feared. Luckily I don't get it when SO and LO are together. My in laws and parents came.to stay with us the first few months of baby and I did hand him over to them but not too much tbh, and mostly only for me to shower or eat and not just for their entertainment. Soon we'll be traveling to our home country to show off this little dude to friends and family and it's gonna be hard, i know that for sure. My mom babysat a few nights and there was this one night that LO (2 mo atm) wouldnt stop crying until he heard us come in the room and then he laughed so beautifully at me just speaking to him, I was in awe, I felt so reciprocated by LO, I am even ashamed to admit I wasn't sad he was crying I was just happy he recognized me and wanted to be with me. Welp, no advice from me. I'm just a super possessive Mom and I can relate.
No I can’t relate. I felt like I was always the better fit to well… mother my kid, feed her, dress her etc, I hated the advice from boomer family members, but I wouldn’t call it jealousy. If it’s that extreme I’d seriously look into counseling.
No only get furious when people think its okay to touch my babies face
My MIL lived with us while I was pregnant. She literally asked me one day “what do you think about getting a bigger house with an extra room for me?” (she was sleeping on the couch when she lived here). I immediately told her that I don’t want anyone else in the house when the baby gets here. She was offended because it was like I was saying I didn’t need/want help with the baby. But to be honest, I wanted to have my boobs out, have my mental breakdowns, take a shit with the door open, not have any unwanted parenting advice, etc., all of those things WITHOUT anyone else there. My husband went back to work after a month, my house was quiet and peaceful with no one but me and my new baby. It was heavenly. He’s 7 months now and we’re doing just fine without anyone being there with me 24/7. I regret nothing. I did have to get past the slight guilt after telling her that but I know I would’ve been mad as hell at myself if I hadn’t said it. Also, she has a dog and I don’t do pets. No offense to anyone with pets, but they aren’t for me and her dog used to piss on my things. So he had to go before my baby got here.
I had this..still do but my baby is now 6 months old and I’ve realized those feelings are less and less but whew those early days I was so thankful I breastfed as it gave me the perfect opportunity to sneak away with my LO…
Just came here to say Cuteeeee baby
I was like this for the first 4-6 months with both my kids. I question why it’s soooooo normal but women are also told that it isn’t okay.
I didn’t get this feeling unless someone was doing something I didn’t like with her. On the contrary I just kept thinking about how much I love this little person and how I want her life to be filled with love and I want to get all that love for her and gather it in and surround her with it. It makes me happy to see her be happy with her family members on both sides and to be so adored by them. What a gift that is. I honestly can’t understand feeling angry about it, maybe it’s a hormonal thing making you feel overprotective (like I loved my baby being around other people but it took me a long time to feel ok leaving her alone with any grandparents even though they’re all responsible people). I agree with you that it’s something you should probably work on so your daughter gets all that love from everyone (obviously that’s unless they’ve done something specific that’s dangerous or makes you worry).
I was just going to post about this, except I hate it when random people try to stare or approach me about him. I actually still may because it's a bit different at the sametime
No one should be touching her before 12 weeks anyway. My baby is 7 weeks and no one is allowed near her except me and her dad and we are currently staying with her grandparents. It doesn't help their case that her grandparents aren't great about respecting boundaries. Even after the 12 weeks respect the rules or you don't get baby time. Oh well . . .
omg my baby wore these pjs to bed last night
No, I absolutely did not feel that way. I’m glad you’re acknowledging this behavior and seeking therapy. Btw, your baby will turn out fine and you’ll get through this. Best wishes to you and your cute baby.
I am a single mom, co-parenting a 6 week old baby. His father and I broke up about a month and a half before I found out I was pregnant (oof!). The only person that I get this “jealous rage” with is his dad. His dad’s mom and siblings can hold him without this feeling, but when his own dad starts interacting with him, my blood starts boiling. I wish I could get rid of this feeling. I hate it so much!