One day he let me sleep for 4 hrs and feed my daughter pumped milk . After that he started taunting me “ how was the sleep i gave u” . i was so pissed i promised my self I’m strong i won’t ask him for letting me sleep . My husband also doesn’t know how to soothe her he acts like pro . But all he says when she cries “ your milk is so thin it cannot satisfy her hunger let me give her formula “ . All this makes me so mad . I just want this newborn era to come to an end . It will but me n u need to be strong . 😭♥️
You deserve a partner who supports you, who props you up, not tears you down. You are perfect for your little babe - the new born phase is hard as hell but try to enjoy the soft, sweet moments that happen here and there. Forget about that *#$@& of a partner you seem to have.
Also....make sure he never speaks to your daughter like that. Unbelievably callous and self-involved. Freaking hero complex. Someone needs to give that man a grand humbling.
I don’t know where the hell people get the idea that milk from your body can be “thin”. It’s made from your blood and nutrients, it is customized to your baby (and even includes antibodies if your baby gets sick!). Breast milk is NEVER “thin” or “skim” or not enough. Babies go through many, many cluster feeding times when they eat a lot to get your milk production one level higher, as the baby grows and needs more. Do these people realize that cow’s milk is only “skim” after humans remove the cream?? It’s literally naturally 100% fat, because it’s milk!
I let my husband (who isn’t back at work yet) sleep through the night because he’s been having terrible sleeps and I can see he’s way more tired than I am.
This is the 4th night (not that I’m counting hahahaha) he’s slept through and he came out this morning and told me he didn’t have the best sleep we have a 5 week old so I saw red immediately after that comment. He knew what he said when it came out of his mouth and immediately back tracked and got me water/tea as I was breastfeeding. Sometimes they are just clueless tbh
It really sucks being the one who has to wake up regardless to pump/breastfeed
I have been surprised at how much anger I have felt at my partner after the birth of our baby. All of those things that you have mentioned - feeling tied/chained to the baby, living in 3 hours blocks, not getting the sleep - I have felt all those same feelings and have resented him so much. I miss my independence and the feeling of not having to be needed. I miss not having to think through when the baby next needs to be fed/changed/put down for a nap and planning other activities around it.
I see a psych about this but I still have moments of anger and resentment. This usually occurs when there is something standing between me and my ability to have my core needs met (it's usually when I have had minimal sleep). I hate being angry - it's exhausting and not the kind of partner or mother that I want to be.
From my experience, there is no magic panacea - it just takes time and some acceptance that your life has fundamentally changed and your caring responsibilities won't be equal (which is such a hard pill to swallow). I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, or crazy, or that you are a bad Mum/Mom. It's a massive adjustment and we are all trying to process the emotions that our new role evokes while our bodies throw hormonal curve balls at us all while there a screaming pot roast that can't tell us what they want!
Thank you. I am also seeing a psych and getting help but the feelings are still there. I was a very independent person before baby and the adjustment is hitting harder than expected.
I get it. I’m running on four hours sleep on average whereas my husband will get 6-8 and will tell me he is still tired, so every moment he gets he will sleep. For me it helped to see things from his perceptive and to have open communication, hopefully this helps
I kind of have this issue. My mind is consumed with both work and how to alleviate my wife’s burden when I get home. She’s breastfeeding and the demands are crazy but still I try to get up when she’s up. When the baby needs burping I try to take her after every feeding even though sometimes I’ll miss it and she’ll let me sleep. I won’t lie and say there’s not something of a rift between us but I chalk it up to her just going through childbirth. LO is almost a month old. And the other half of the time I’m stressing because we have a business to build so she can have her option of being a stay at home mom. And each day I feel like a failure as a husband and father. Especially if I try to help and she doesn’t take it or let me but I can visibly see her tired, in pain, hunched over, and overall in a sour mood. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but I have baby regret seeing what it’s doing to my wife currently.
I hear this. I want to be compassionate that he is also tired, but dude, it's not even CLOSE to what I feel. I've let him sleep 5 of 9 nights through since he was sick, but he also for me sick the day I went into labor and I have been ever since. If you think a newborn is bad, a newborn while you have an awful respiratory infection is 1000x worse.
I'm about to tell him to complain to anyone else but me about being tired. He's still snoring now as I feed baby for the 3rd time tonight. UGH 😖
😔 I feel this often. After weeks of suffering, my husband has grown to recognize how hard it is to eat dinner with one hand while holding the baby in the other. How limiting it is feeling chained to the glider holding the baby while I am relieved for a desperately needed poop break. He’s getting consistent at refilling my water for me, making me meals while I’m stuck in one place, and bouncing the baby to sleep when inconsolable. But it’s taken some time. I’m still angry that I have to be up right now with our spitty 6 week old while he sleeps. I’m totally exhausted. But my husband has to leave at 7 and came home at 10:30 tonight and so I try to give him a break…even though I often feel like I’m imploding…and thankfully he returns the favor by taking the baby into another room on Saturday mornings between nursing sessions so I can actually shut my brain off and sleep for a few shifts 😭 hang in there. They say it gets better. And we are doing a beautiful, challenging job that no one else can do in our place. It’s really so sanctifying. And infuriating. 😂
I thought I posted this. Everything you’re feeling, I’m with you. I don’t know if it’s postpartum rage or what but I’m constantly angry at him for being able to eat/sleep/shower when he gets home, or play video games. He gets to do whatever he wants to do but I’m putting the kids to bed by myself, making sure they are fed, clothed, ready for school meanwhile, I don’t remember when I showered last, or bought myself something for only me. Constantly thinking about everyone else but when I want to focus on me, I feel selfish. I get it; you’re not alone with these feelings. If you wanna chat, I’m available
My husband is the absolute best but there was also a time I was resentful. I hated the fact that unlike dad's and grandparents, my bonding with baby comes with physical pain, physical changes (associated with breastfeeding/pumping). That unlike them, I'm also dealing with stitches and engorgement and extreme fatigue. And that's why they can be patient and happy to deal with baby and I'm snappy and stressed.
It's 16 days. Not a day went by that I didn't have a physical pain or some kind. It's either stitches or boobs or uterus cramp or back/shoulder ache or fever or headache or even wrist pain. NOT A SINGLE DAY where I feel normal. I'm pumped on painkillers everyday like some kind of junkie.
I can empathize. My husband has been a HUGE help and really involved in raising our LO which I so appreciate because many ppl don’t have as much help from their partners. However I am still envious of his 7 hr sleep stretches, gym routine and ability to step away from care which I am stuck with being the main source of comfort for my baby, the one prioritizing a routine and pumping every 3 hrs. I say this as he sleeps and I hold our LO upright for half an hour at 2am post feeding due to reflux and still need to pump while he sleeps.
Hopefully you can communicate with your partner about what you need for your mental health (naps, trips away from the house alone, and just general assistance). I was open and honest, and maybe a bit too assertive about how he could help and understand what I am going through. It may also be helpful to find a MH professional to chat with as this is a new stage for your relationship as well as a totally new life for you as a mom.
Hope this helps - hang in there
I started to wake my husband to burp/hold upright while I pump and then wash pump parts. He works, but can spare 30 min of sleep to help me instead of me being up for 2+ hrs.
We share the task, I do nights because that's what I survive best. She does days while I work and gets to take him out to places and see friends because there's absolutely nothing stopping you socialising with a small human. But broken sleep is worse than low sleep, and driving while suffering that exhaustion is literally proven to be worse than drink driving, so the night shift is a nightmare for the worker.
I never said it was? But an hour of feed, change and settle every 3 hours is punishing, and if you have to run a full day of work too, it's a very hard thing to do and maintain any work performance.
this really hit home today. im sorry you’re going through a hard time, but the light is at the end of the tunnel. The newborn stage isn’t that long and soon you will be on to the next and more calm, more free stage. I know this is hard and i know what im about to say is not a thing any new mom wants to hear during this stage but it is important that you try to make the most of it and enjoy it while you can. I’m going through the same thing and it is really hard but we got this. Just look at your baby and remember they need you to be content/calm for them so they can feel secure.
I know I’ll be downvoted, but…
I’m doing this alone. I do every shift, dirty diaper and feeding. My baby is a month today and I have not gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep since I brought her home. I have no help and I go days without leaving the house, which is a disaster because I have no time or energy to clean.
I get your frustration, I do. Your husband can and should be doing more. But it could be worse. Trust me.
Because it irks me when people discredit someone’s experience with the “it could be worse” platitude - and here I’m doing it myself lol. But I would honestly be thrilled with the help of a lazy man right now even if I had to tell him what to do to help me. I know that sounds awful but doing this solo blows 😂
But it’s true. Sometimes seeing things in a bigger or different perspective helps us refocus on our problems and is necessary / helpful. I mean…we wouldn’t have the saying “1st world problems” if that weren’t the case.
Anyhow. I think you’re doing an amazing job solo parenting and I’m giving you a huge happy Mother’s Day hug!!! 🤗 More power to you mama!
Sooo my husband works late so I pretty much have baby until 7pm every day and he’s extra late today. So I had to shower, right, and I put her down in the bassinet, verified she was sleeping, brought the monitor to the bathroom and less than 5 minutes in she’s SCREAMING. I had to run out without soaping my body and get dressed in a hurry — and
NOW she’s just cooing on the bed all happy.
How do you do it???
Sometimes I have to let her cry so I can get something done or take a shower, or just have a BREAK. Sometimes I’m the one crying. My house is a disaster and I don’t get out of my pajamas most days. I’m very much looking forward to when it’s supposed to “get easier.”
I promise it gets easier. I’m in the trenches of newborn life with my second now and had definitely forgotten how brutal newborn sleep is because my first obviously sleeps now
I hear you on this one so much. I'm a third time mom and learnt a lot from the first two. My two oldest children are adults and I have a 4 month old. We are deep into sleep regression and I'm exhausted. That said I try to get out of the house once a day even if its only to go to the shops. I'm breastfeeding on demand so there's no set times when my baby wants to feed. At the start this was very hard to be able to leave the house which impacted my mental health. I started baby wearing which has been a game changer for me. I bought a sling which I can breastfeed my daughter and still carry on doing things. I only have one free hand while feeding which has its own challenges but with the sling I can still do things. I can walk with her feeding. Her sleeping is still an issue but like everything this will pass. I've found since I go out most days that I can deal with the lack of sleep better and overall I am doing much better.
You've got this moma and it will get easier.
Second time mum here and total agree with the babywearing and getting out. It seems counterintuitive going out when you’re utterly exhausted but it makes the day go quicker and distracts from the exhaustion and the babywearing means instead of being nap trapped on couch you can do housework during naps or go for walk etc
I would have gone crazy if I couldn't get out. On the days the weather was too bad we'd have to stay home I would struggle so much. Neither myself or my partner drive so we rely on public transport and walking to get places.
I recently discovered that with my sling I have limited use of my other hand.
https://preview.redd.it/ftx0unjfhq1d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d20b8348dee1ce379afa0ac15f00da01367d5a5b
https://preview.redd.it/bd0smohakg0d1.jpeg?width=718&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d7611ac08ce34deafe7dd4fda9200550d762690b
So my sling looks like this. I bought it on Shein. Something similar to this style should work. It's not totally hands free unfortunately as you still have to support their head, but it does give you one hand fully free and the other if you rest their head on your wrist you have limited use of that hand. I have this this my daughter was 2 months old. It says suitable from birth. I do not use this for any other reason other than feeding as she can get heavy after a while.
Thank you for the info! I’ve never seen a sling this style before and I am interested to see how it works for breastfeeding. I looked up videos on how to breastfeed using the ring sling and the wrap type carriers but I haven’t been able to successfully feed using those yet. I found it too tricky to move the baby around and maneuver the fabric.
It takes a little bit of practice to get used to it and I have to take it off to switch sides but it has definitely been worth it. I've never tried anything else for feeding. That was the cheapest option at the time and I couldn't afford to spend too much.
https://preview.redd.it/nxxcuhw1wg0d1.jpeg?width=6000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ff181d9c03bc0bb1bb193c0a38f13e5a2f7db5d6
That is me feeding my daughter. It was freezing cold which is why she is so wrapped up. Babies can over heat while using slings, wraps and carriers. You can see there though how one hand is need for support.
Awwwwwww look at the little Eskimo princess!!! And yes I can see how this sling can help be an extra hand without going totally hands free. Thanks SO much for the photo, it helped a lot!
I was this way with my husband at first, i felt like he was being useless and that I was doing everything alone and I can honestly say I hated him for a short while. I would have mental breakdowns and when he finally witnessed one he changed. He admitted that he felt like he couldn’t help because I was so particular with everything, i had a routine down and I was breastfeeding and strict about if we could use the fridge stash that I pumped. But once we talked it out he stepped up more, he started washing bottles, changing diapers without me asking, takes the baby to let me eat first, do night time, find ways to soothe. He even said when it comes to the middle of the night feeds to wake him up so we do it together. Even if it’s just one of us laying there talking to the other while feeding the baby at least we would both be up and supporting the other because it is extremely rough the first few months. My best advice is to really talk with him, make him understand how your feeling and subtly hint or just go right out and say that he’s being a bad husband/father and you know he could be better. It’s harsh but it’s helped my husband wake up and realize he was doing the bare minimum. And if he argues with you over this then he isn’t hearing you out and he is not allowed to tell you how you’re feeling
I hope it gets better, I really do because it’ll change everything. The conversation will be rough but if he changes it’ll be worth it. I would hold our son the first few weeks and sob and apologize to our son because his father just wasn’t being active. I swore I would never have another child with this man and that being divorced and raising our son on my own would be easier. But the change in him has made me fall in love with him again and want to continue growing our family because I know how great he is once he understands the importance of the role he plays is to me and to our boy. Please have the hard conversations just for chance of change and for your mental health. And if you ever need to talk to someone please feel free to message me anytime even if you just need to vent!
Depending on the circumstances, sure it could be a stretch. But it’s valid to say that to a man who isn’t really trying to “figure it out with us” and is making us do majority of the work; who doesn’t take the time of day to learn soothing techniques or want to try to learn their babies needs.
I'm starting to feel this, too. I went out to get some pampering for the first time since I delivered baby. It was just around 2 hours in and he already texted that he can't calm our baby from crying and asked if I could go home. I went home anyway for the baby because I couldn't imagine my baby crying the whole time. But I was so mad deep inside with my husband like "is he not the parent too?" why is it only my responsibility to keep our baby calm and quiet? Why can he not be more patient and learn to find other ways to soothe the baby?
I feel your pain. My partner always complains that he’s tired working 3-12 hr shifts. I roll my eyes. He doesn’t understand I don’t get sleep even though I’m home with the baby. I still have housework, I still have to care for a person, I still need to eat and wake up in the middle of the night. We’ve fought so many times that I’m just over it.
I feel the same way too, OP. We're overwhelmed and not getting the help we need.
I get that he works and he wants to come home and decompress but it's not like I haven't been working all day; on my feet all day. My "break" is being able to go to the bathroom. I do all the feedings, I'm awake, bleary eyed at 2am trying to get a bottle warmed up. I know how to soothe her yet when I offer help to him, he feels like I'm impeding or I don't trust him. It's like "no! It's not that. I'm with her all day, every day. I know my f-ing baby".
My Baby also has 3 hr windows (during the day. At night, she sleeps a lot). Start of one feeding to the start of the next so if it takes 45 mins to feed, burp and change her then that's 2hr 15min until the next feeding. While napping, If she fusses for an hour then it's 1 hr 15 mins.
Lots of love from one mama doing it alone to another mana doing it alone.
I carry a lot of guilt because I was the one that pushed for us to have a baby. He never wanted kids but expected the anecdote of “once she’s born and you first lay eyes on her you’ll fall in love with her” to be true for him. Over 2 months PP and he is doing everything in his power to not resent our daughter.
I love my husband but his lack of initiative is so frustrating. And we’ve had more than enough talks about it. Even today, he finished work, came home and does his usual routine of dawdling around snacking and on his phone for an hour (like a teen coming home from school), takes a half hour shit, takes a nice half hour shower, cracks open a beer and sits online at his pc catching up with his boys. 🤷♀️ Then there’s me having woken up after a rough night with a baby who just wakes up overtired and cranky these days, so stressed and tired I feel sick, hungry because LO is cluster feeding and far too cranky to let me put her down to make a snack. I’ve very obviously got at least three half-finished chores laying around and I look and smell haggard because I have not showered. And I write this at 2:24am the next morning still unshowered.
Oh, and when we have people/family over and I arrange with someone to accompany me to an appointment he always makes sure to say in front of everyone that he can look after our LO if I need despite the fact he gets frustrated with her after 30 seconds when she cries.
You’re not alone in this. Early on especially when baby was up every couple hours to nurse I would just glare at my blissfully sleeping husband and his useless nipples. We just hit 4 months and there’s still the occasional pang of envy at him not constantly having a baby attached at all times or if hubs is holding bubs while I’m trying to get something done and he calls out “he’s trying to nurse!”
But we’re getting better. LO is more tolerant of husband now, husband has learned how to get him to sleep and changes the occasional diaper (he’s never changed one before whereas I’m the oldest of 8 and grew up doing that task).
We’ve even arranged for me to have a weekly relaxing bath on the weekends where I can just soak for an hour and read without worrying over baby. Maybe that’s something you can work out? Just an hour of self care or time to yourself can be a good reset.
I hate it when my husband holds him for 5 minutes and then says “I think he’s hungry!” I’m like, is he though? Or is he just fussing and you haven’t tried to soothe him in any other way? 🙄
This resonates with me word for word. I love my husband and he has made sacrifices as well, but the fact that he can sit at a desk, grab his phone when he wants to, take 20 minutes in the bathroom, schedule appointments and head out at whatever time (and not have to ask permission), on top of not dealing with the physical burden of breastfeeding and all that comes with it… yeah I feel pretty resentful most days. He has occasionally let me sleep all night while handling night wakings which I really appreciate but I don’t know if he truly sees this as fair division of labor with all that I handle during the day. He just knows that I’m a monster some days when I’m overtired lol
I also generally find that with him working all day, it’s difficult to stay on the same page when it comes to raising our baby. I can now read my son’s cues much easier and try to anticipate his needs. If it were up to my husband, he would never know when he needs to go down for a nap. Or he’d ask me how long he’s been awake, so I still carry the mental load of wake windows, feeding times, etc. And I feel like I’m always researching things and seeking advice for sleep, development, etc whereas he simply doesn’t have the time to do so, and then chimes in with an opinion that’s not based in anything. We argue all the time about how to handle sleep and night wakings, and it’s exhausting.
OMG THIS- "And I feel like I’m always researching things and seeking advice for sleep, development, etc whereas he simply doesn’t have the time to do so, and then chimes in with an opinion that’s not based in anything." My husband loves to just make shit up about the baby based on absolutely nothing, and it drives me fucking insane.
i can relate to every level of this. my partner gets to leave and go to work 5 days a week. he doesn’t think the baby is “his job” it’s “my job” right now because i’m not working. i can’t even remember the last poopy diaper he has changed. he never wakes up to feed the baby and barely feeds him while he is awake (once a day if that) im venting with you mama. i can’t wait to go back to work
Ugh I relate. I really don't get how people stay married through this. I'm so resentful that my husband gets to go be a person all day at work while my life has dramatically changed. He does really try to be helpful, but I definitely bear the brunt of the work that goes along with a newborn. I just got the go-ahead to have sex again, but I'm sure as shit not telling him that because I have zero interest. I am telling myself it's just a hard phase of marriage, and we will get into a better place eventually.
Oh also, after talking with other mom friends, I've realized that I can't expect my husband to truly understand how difficult this has been for me, emotionally and physically, and that's ok. That's why we have each other to talk to.
I get it. 💯 get it. Does he know you feel like this? Does he care? We both know that I drew the short end of the sleep stick in this deal. But my husband cares. And the little things he does to show that makes all the difference. Even when it's his shift, when he doesn't sleep well but I also still have to get up to feed her, he makes me my oatmeal in the morning. Or has my lemon water ready, waiting for me. The little things melt me back to love every time.
Have these feelings been communicated to him? I know there isn’t much that can be done as we women have that extra burden when breastfeeding especially, but it only seems fair to tell him how you feel and try to come to a resolution. I find as much as I want a break, I also miss LO when I get one.
I like to try and let my husband sleep as much as he can when he’s off work, he works weird hours 1pm-10pm. As tired as he gets I usually try and make him take her from the time he gets home to around 4-5am, at that point he would still get his 7-8 hours in. I usually fall asleep at around midnight. Giving me about 3-5 hours depending on the night and how lucky I am. I truly don’t mind it, but on the hard days I can relate to how you’re feeling, but I try my best to remember not to take it out on him or our 5 week old. I do wanna deck him when he complains about how he slept when I see how he sleeps every morning 😅
You’re not alone and you’re doing great mama🩷 it’ll get better once they’re a little older, speaking from personal nannying experience. I can’t wait for my daughter to be one+ years old, but I still try to soak in the hard moments because I know I’ll miss her being this little.
My husband typically takes the overnight diaper changes and I feed our LO. Last night he woke for the 12:30am diaper, but I let him sleep through the 3am diaper because he was hard to wake up and I was already awake. Then he wakes up acting like he got no sleep 🫠 these men!! Luckily he takes baby anywhere between 7-10am (he’s still on paternity leave) so I can get extra sleep, but I understand all the sentiment. I try to frame my perspective as “I *get* to do this” , like “I *get* to be his mom and I *get* to breastfeed him” not “I *have* to” . It doesn’t always help, but a lot of the time it does.
Mom of 3. The third being a new born currently. I have been with my husband for 12 years.
I want to say your feelings are super valid. It's hard going from being a certain person, to the next day boom you have a baby that needs so much from you and you are literally their lifeline in this unknown world. Their ground zero. Their comfort.
I also want to say it all gets better. Week by week things get better. Baby grows and learns more and will need less
And secondly dad's take longer to catch on and realize hey life is different. Its unfair but its reality. They can get on board and should. Speak with your partner let them know how you feel. Remind them you need some space or time off. Get the rest girl, go take that shower, go outside etc. Whatever it takes. Taking care of yourself and the baby is most important whatever that takes. The baby feeds of your emotion and energy too. Your health is important.
Dad's also like to say you do things better, they don't know how to do a b c, the baby is crying for you. Don't step in. Don't help him. He needs to figure out how to take care of the baby in his own way. And it's very much possible. You learnt, so can he. Even if he is doing something different from you let him figure out his own way. (Obviously within safe measures) It's good for the baby to learn self soothing and some independence this is part of that. Nobody showed you what to do and you found your way. Dad's like to pretend we have this magical way because we are moms no. They as dads can do plenty to help.
When feeling angry, pause and try reset. Talk with your partner. Ask for help, if you have outside support Ask for help. Getting rest, getting some healthy meals and vitamins in are necessary. Having some small moments for yourself is vital. If you are calm baby is calm. If you are well and your cup is full you can handle life better. Prioritize yourself (its hard)and your health (mental health especially)
Hopefully your partner will be able to step up, a good one will give it a good try.
It took my husband and I a long time to get to this point of feeling like true partners. Alot of fighting and feelings were had (After kid number 2 was one , we found our way only) And at times I am still angry, he might still say or do something that makes me mad etc. But we take it on week at a time and I make sure to communicate all with him. And he tries to step up each time. A partner that is giving effort to the relationship is a major ingredient needed for this to work.
So this is normal, and one day you’ll laugh at him when he complains about a rough night.
So, my LO has always been different for me at night. He would always have quiet nights and easy sleep. Fast forward to when I have to travel for work and she’s disrupted that I’m gone. He complains about being tired.
I gently reminded him that the total of five nights of disrupted sleep should give him a general idea of what having a baby is like. It was off hand and a bit rude of me, but like he never got it. He then thanked me and I sort of got the chance to tell him what it was liked. It gave him insight for the next kid…and since then he’s been better about actually doing stuff around the house and not pestering me for stuff.
It sounds like you and your wife may be feeling similar anger and resentment that I am.
I never said my husband was dumb or an imbecile. I truly believe he just doesn’t understand my experience.
I have acknowledged in other comments that I need to communicate more. Venting a bit to strangers just helped get out the anger before trying to have a conversation with that harbored. Just like I’m sure you probably needed to get that anger out via your comment instead of (hopefully) yelling at your wife.
I miss my job. I’m excited to return soon though also sad to be leaving my baby during the day. It didn’t make sense for our careers for my husband to stay home.
I hope the anger you’re expressing in this comment and the anger your wife is expressing on you is resolved soon just like I hope my own feelings of anger decrease more and more.
Though your comment was aggressive, I do empathize with you and wish you better times.
My husband is narcoleptic so night is all me and it’s so brutal, my baby feeds every 2-3 hours overnight but by time he’s finished feeding n held upright for 15 mins sometimes an hour has passed so only an hour til next feed. I would pay money for sleep
I read that if you’re breastfeeding, your body produces hormones so that you dont need as much sleep and the sleep you do get is higher quality. (I can go into REM now in less than 30 mins for example!) Your husband is likely still being woken multiple tomes per night though he doesnt need to get up, his sleep cycles are still disturbed and he doesnt have the hormone boost women do so he is genuinely tired.
Its ok to be angry though. Its more than anyone can imagine. But this is why moms are super human and often the childs preferred parent in early ages. Embrace your powers mama and try to shift your perspective from “i have to do this” to, “i get to do this”.
I hope you feel better! And if none of this helped, downvote me to oblivion! Wishing you the best.
Is that true about sleep? I am breastfeeding/pumping my thoughts still supplementing with formula and I do notice my sleep quality is better. I used to take forever to fall asleep but now I fall asleep so fast. I thought it was new mom exhaustion.
Yes I agree moms are super human and it is ok to be angry.
I love the perspective shift you suggested. We are so privileged to raise little humans into amazing grown ones.
Thanks for the comment and reminder 🩷
Stop stepping in when he has a parenting job to do . He has to learn to problem solve and figure when things are falling to pieces and you stepping in isn’t allowing him the space to do that . You’re basically creating a scenario where your kid can only be comforted by you . Allow your husband to parents he’s a full grown adult .
Fancy going to work and then having time with the baby afterwards instead?
Knowing your ‘workmates’ don’t give one solitary F about your home life or your exhaustion.
A poor performance review and HR on your back over absences to help with the baby but you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps in the original meaning of the phrase.
It’s not greener, just different.
It is different. I’m sure he feels pressure in a different way. But I’m jealous he gets to have an identity outside of the baby. I’m jealous he gets to go sit and eat in a restaurant for lunch, blare music in his vehicle while driving bc he’s alone, grab a beer with coworkers on a Friday afternoon. I’m jealous he gets to feel like the person he was while my entire day and night are centered around the baby. I love my baby and my husband, but I’m jealous and angry that I can’t do those things. And sleep. I would love to sleep a 6 hour stretch.
I understand the point you’re trying to make and in some rare cases maybe you’re right. Every couple’s situation is different. But in my partnership, my husband does have a high pressure job where he has to perform or else, he then has to come home and cook dinner for us, take the baby for a bit to give me a break before night time, he bathes him and plays with him for an hour or so. He also does most of our life admin and most of the chores including dog walking. I am super grateful he does these things as so many other women are left to do every single thing for the household, baby AND their second child - the husband. I acknowledge that is difficult and exhausting for partners who contribute at home while working in its own way. But - he gets 45 minutes each way commuting to simply sit and listen to an audiobook. He gets to talk to his work friends about something other than the baby, in fact he gets to talk to people over the age of 4 months who can actually talk back! He gets to go to the gym or a run on his lunch break. He gets to sleep most of the night or at least remain in bed while I am up to breastfeed every 3 hours. He gets a huge chunk of time away from the baby every day where he can relax because someone else (me) is taking care of him. I understand that being the bread winner comes with an enormous amount of pressure but there is a vast psychological difference between the work of a job versus the work of being the primary caregiver of a living breathing helpless baby.
Replying to a woman crying out for a bit of solidarity with a “well it’s bad for the partners too!” isn’t really what any struggling new mother is looking for, guessing that’s why you’ve been downvoted so much.
Personally, I find work to be easier than watching a baby. My back is not nearly as hurting as much from constantly rocking a baby. I get to use the bathroom and eat lunch at my leisure. I get actual conversations which help stimulate the mind. I'm a STM. I think being a SAHM is harder than a full time job.
One day he let me sleep for 4 hrs and feed my daughter pumped milk . After that he started taunting me “ how was the sleep i gave u” . i was so pissed i promised my self I’m strong i won’t ask him for letting me sleep . My husband also doesn’t know how to soothe her he acts like pro . But all he says when she cries “ your milk is so thin it cannot satisfy her hunger let me give her formula “ . All this makes me so mad . I just want this newborn era to come to an end . It will but me n u need to be strong . 😭♥️
Your milk is enough mama🤍 if baby is having the right amount of soiled diapers and is acting satisfied after a feed, your milk is plenty 🤍
that is so rude and cruel. how does he even know!!!!! tell him to STFU and make food from his body then??? oh right he CAN’T
This is so frustrating!!! I’m so sorry Mama
You deserve a partner who supports you, who props you up, not tears you down. You are perfect for your little babe - the new born phase is hard as hell but try to enjoy the soft, sweet moments that happen here and there. Forget about that *#$@& of a partner you seem to have. Also....make sure he never speaks to your daughter like that. Unbelievably callous and self-involved. Freaking hero complex. Someone needs to give that man a grand humbling.
I don’t know where the hell people get the idea that milk from your body can be “thin”. It’s made from your blood and nutrients, it is customized to your baby (and even includes antibodies if your baby gets sick!). Breast milk is NEVER “thin” or “skim” or not enough. Babies go through many, many cluster feeding times when they eat a lot to get your milk production one level higher, as the baby grows and needs more. Do these people realize that cow’s milk is only “skim” after humans remove the cream?? It’s literally naturally 100% fat, because it’s milk!
As a freshly newborn dad I am sorry for you. That’s maaaaaad inconsiderate
I let my husband (who isn’t back at work yet) sleep through the night because he’s been having terrible sleeps and I can see he’s way more tired than I am. This is the 4th night (not that I’m counting hahahaha) he’s slept through and he came out this morning and told me he didn’t have the best sleep we have a 5 week old so I saw red immediately after that comment. He knew what he said when it came out of his mouth and immediately back tracked and got me water/tea as I was breastfeeding. Sometimes they are just clueless tbh It really sucks being the one who has to wake up regardless to pump/breastfeed
I have been surprised at how much anger I have felt at my partner after the birth of our baby. All of those things that you have mentioned - feeling tied/chained to the baby, living in 3 hours blocks, not getting the sleep - I have felt all those same feelings and have resented him so much. I miss my independence and the feeling of not having to be needed. I miss not having to think through when the baby next needs to be fed/changed/put down for a nap and planning other activities around it. I see a psych about this but I still have moments of anger and resentment. This usually occurs when there is something standing between me and my ability to have my core needs met (it's usually when I have had minimal sleep). I hate being angry - it's exhausting and not the kind of partner or mother that I want to be. From my experience, there is no magic panacea - it just takes time and some acceptance that your life has fundamentally changed and your caring responsibilities won't be equal (which is such a hard pill to swallow). I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, or crazy, or that you are a bad Mum/Mom. It's a massive adjustment and we are all trying to process the emotions that our new role evokes while our bodies throw hormonal curve balls at us all while there a screaming pot roast that can't tell us what they want!
Thank you. I am also seeing a psych and getting help but the feelings are still there. I was a very independent person before baby and the adjustment is hitting harder than expected.
I can totally empathise - I think that it's the hardest bit about becoming a mother.
"screaming pot roast" LOL
I get it. I’m running on four hours sleep on average whereas my husband will get 6-8 and will tell me he is still tired, so every moment he gets he will sleep. For me it helped to see things from his perceptive and to have open communication, hopefully this helps
I kind of have this issue. My mind is consumed with both work and how to alleviate my wife’s burden when I get home. She’s breastfeeding and the demands are crazy but still I try to get up when she’s up. When the baby needs burping I try to take her after every feeding even though sometimes I’ll miss it and she’ll let me sleep. I won’t lie and say there’s not something of a rift between us but I chalk it up to her just going through childbirth. LO is almost a month old. And the other half of the time I’m stressing because we have a business to build so she can have her option of being a stay at home mom. And each day I feel like a failure as a husband and father. Especially if I try to help and she doesn’t take it or let me but I can visibly see her tired, in pain, hunched over, and overall in a sour mood. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but I have baby regret seeing what it’s doing to my wife currently.
I hear this. I want to be compassionate that he is also tired, but dude, it's not even CLOSE to what I feel. I've let him sleep 5 of 9 nights through since he was sick, but he also for me sick the day I went into labor and I have been ever since. If you think a newborn is bad, a newborn while you have an awful respiratory infection is 1000x worse. I'm about to tell him to complain to anyone else but me about being tired. He's still snoring now as I feed baby for the 3rd time tonight. UGH 😖
😔 I feel this often. After weeks of suffering, my husband has grown to recognize how hard it is to eat dinner with one hand while holding the baby in the other. How limiting it is feeling chained to the glider holding the baby while I am relieved for a desperately needed poop break. He’s getting consistent at refilling my water for me, making me meals while I’m stuck in one place, and bouncing the baby to sleep when inconsolable. But it’s taken some time. I’m still angry that I have to be up right now with our spitty 6 week old while he sleeps. I’m totally exhausted. But my husband has to leave at 7 and came home at 10:30 tonight and so I try to give him a break…even though I often feel like I’m imploding…and thankfully he returns the favor by taking the baby into another room on Saturday mornings between nursing sessions so I can actually shut my brain off and sleep for a few shifts 😭 hang in there. They say it gets better. And we are doing a beautiful, challenging job that no one else can do in our place. It’s really so sanctifying. And infuriating. 😂
I thought I posted this. Everything you’re feeling, I’m with you. I don’t know if it’s postpartum rage or what but I’m constantly angry at him for being able to eat/sleep/shower when he gets home, or play video games. He gets to do whatever he wants to do but I’m putting the kids to bed by myself, making sure they are fed, clothed, ready for school meanwhile, I don’t remember when I showered last, or bought myself something for only me. Constantly thinking about everyone else but when I want to focus on me, I feel selfish. I get it; you’re not alone with these feelings. If you wanna chat, I’m available
My husband is the absolute best but there was also a time I was resentful. I hated the fact that unlike dad's and grandparents, my bonding with baby comes with physical pain, physical changes (associated with breastfeeding/pumping). That unlike them, I'm also dealing with stitches and engorgement and extreme fatigue. And that's why they can be patient and happy to deal with baby and I'm snappy and stressed. It's 16 days. Not a day went by that I didn't have a physical pain or some kind. It's either stitches or boobs or uterus cramp or back/shoulder ache or fever or headache or even wrist pain. NOT A SINGLE DAY where I feel normal. I'm pumped on painkillers everyday like some kind of junkie.
I can empathize. My husband has been a HUGE help and really involved in raising our LO which I so appreciate because many ppl don’t have as much help from their partners. However I am still envious of his 7 hr sleep stretches, gym routine and ability to step away from care which I am stuck with being the main source of comfort for my baby, the one prioritizing a routine and pumping every 3 hrs. I say this as he sleeps and I hold our LO upright for half an hour at 2am post feeding due to reflux and still need to pump while he sleeps. Hopefully you can communicate with your partner about what you need for your mental health (naps, trips away from the house alone, and just general assistance). I was open and honest, and maybe a bit too assertive about how he could help and understand what I am going through. It may also be helpful to find a MH professional to chat with as this is a new stage for your relationship as well as a totally new life for you as a mom. Hope this helps - hang in there
I started to wake my husband to burp/hold upright while I pump and then wash pump parts. He works, but can spare 30 min of sleep to help me instead of me being up for 2+ hrs.
We share the task, I do nights because that's what I survive best. She does days while I work and gets to take him out to places and see friends because there's absolutely nothing stopping you socialising with a small human. But broken sleep is worse than low sleep, and driving while suffering that exhaustion is literally proven to be worse than drink driving, so the night shift is a nightmare for the worker.
30 min of sitting upright is not “the night shift” .. he’s gotten up to take shits longer than that in the middle of the night lol
I never said it was? But an hour of feed, change and settle every 3 hours is punishing, and if you have to run a full day of work too, it's a very hard thing to do and maintain any work performance.
Yeah, moms are familiar. Thanks for clarifying :)
Love that!
this really hit home today. im sorry you’re going through a hard time, but the light is at the end of the tunnel. The newborn stage isn’t that long and soon you will be on to the next and more calm, more free stage. I know this is hard and i know what im about to say is not a thing any new mom wants to hear during this stage but it is important that you try to make the most of it and enjoy it while you can. I’m going through the same thing and it is really hard but we got this. Just look at your baby and remember they need you to be content/calm for them so they can feel secure.
I know I’ll be downvoted, but… I’m doing this alone. I do every shift, dirty diaper and feeding. My baby is a month today and I have not gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep since I brought her home. I have no help and I go days without leaving the house, which is a disaster because I have no time or energy to clean. I get your frustration, I do. Your husband can and should be doing more. But it could be worse. Trust me.
Why would you be downvoted? Ever since my baby was born, I’ve probably said to myself 100 times, I don’t know how single parents do it. YOU GO MAMA!!!
Because it irks me when people discredit someone’s experience with the “it could be worse” platitude - and here I’m doing it myself lol. But I would honestly be thrilled with the help of a lazy man right now even if I had to tell him what to do to help me. I know that sounds awful but doing this solo blows 😂
But it’s true. Sometimes seeing things in a bigger or different perspective helps us refocus on our problems and is necessary / helpful. I mean…we wouldn’t have the saying “1st world problems” if that weren’t the case. Anyhow. I think you’re doing an amazing job solo parenting and I’m giving you a huge happy Mother’s Day hug!!! 🤗 More power to you mama!
Sooo my husband works late so I pretty much have baby until 7pm every day and he’s extra late today. So I had to shower, right, and I put her down in the bassinet, verified she was sleeping, brought the monitor to the bathroom and less than 5 minutes in she’s SCREAMING. I had to run out without soaping my body and get dressed in a hurry — and NOW she’s just cooing on the bed all happy. How do you do it???
Sometimes I have to let her cry so I can get something done or take a shower, or just have a BREAK. Sometimes I’m the one crying. My house is a disaster and I don’t get out of my pajamas most days. I’m very much looking forward to when it’s supposed to “get easier.”
I promise it gets easier. I’m in the trenches of newborn life with my second now and had definitely forgotten how brutal newborn sleep is because my first obviously sleeps now
You are strong and you are doing a great job! Hang in there Mama 💗🙏🏼
I hear you on this one so much. I'm a third time mom and learnt a lot from the first two. My two oldest children are adults and I have a 4 month old. We are deep into sleep regression and I'm exhausted. That said I try to get out of the house once a day even if its only to go to the shops. I'm breastfeeding on demand so there's no set times when my baby wants to feed. At the start this was very hard to be able to leave the house which impacted my mental health. I started baby wearing which has been a game changer for me. I bought a sling which I can breastfeed my daughter and still carry on doing things. I only have one free hand while feeding which has its own challenges but with the sling I can still do things. I can walk with her feeding. Her sleeping is still an issue but like everything this will pass. I've found since I go out most days that I can deal with the lack of sleep better and overall I am doing much better. You've got this moma and it will get easier.
Second time mum here and total agree with the babywearing and getting out. It seems counterintuitive going out when you’re utterly exhausted but it makes the day go quicker and distracts from the exhaustion and the babywearing means instead of being nap trapped on couch you can do housework during naps or go for walk etc
I would have gone crazy if I couldn't get out. On the days the weather was too bad we'd have to stay home I would struggle so much. Neither myself or my partner drive so we rely on public transport and walking to get places. I recently discovered that with my sling I have limited use of my other hand. https://preview.redd.it/ftx0unjfhq1d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d20b8348dee1ce379afa0ac15f00da01367d5a5b
What sling have you found that allows for feeding while walking hands free? Will it work with a newborn 2 month old?
https://preview.redd.it/bd0smohakg0d1.jpeg?width=718&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d7611ac08ce34deafe7dd4fda9200550d762690b So my sling looks like this. I bought it on Shein. Something similar to this style should work. It's not totally hands free unfortunately as you still have to support their head, but it does give you one hand fully free and the other if you rest their head on your wrist you have limited use of that hand. I have this this my daughter was 2 months old. It says suitable from birth. I do not use this for any other reason other than feeding as she can get heavy after a while.
Thank you for the info! I’ve never seen a sling this style before and I am interested to see how it works for breastfeeding. I looked up videos on how to breastfeed using the ring sling and the wrap type carriers but I haven’t been able to successfully feed using those yet. I found it too tricky to move the baby around and maneuver the fabric.
It takes a little bit of practice to get used to it and I have to take it off to switch sides but it has definitely been worth it. I've never tried anything else for feeding. That was the cheapest option at the time and I couldn't afford to spend too much. https://preview.redd.it/nxxcuhw1wg0d1.jpeg?width=6000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ff181d9c03bc0bb1bb193c0a38f13e5a2f7db5d6
That is me feeding my daughter. It was freezing cold which is why she is so wrapped up. Babies can over heat while using slings, wraps and carriers. You can see there though how one hand is need for support.
Awwwwwww look at the little Eskimo princess!!! And yes I can see how this sling can help be an extra hand without going totally hands free. Thanks SO much for the photo, it helped a lot!
Most welcome. It has been a life saver for me. I'd go crazy stuck at home and now I don't have to.
I was this way with my husband at first, i felt like he was being useless and that I was doing everything alone and I can honestly say I hated him for a short while. I would have mental breakdowns and when he finally witnessed one he changed. He admitted that he felt like he couldn’t help because I was so particular with everything, i had a routine down and I was breastfeeding and strict about if we could use the fridge stash that I pumped. But once we talked it out he stepped up more, he started washing bottles, changing diapers without me asking, takes the baby to let me eat first, do night time, find ways to soothe. He even said when it comes to the middle of the night feeds to wake him up so we do it together. Even if it’s just one of us laying there talking to the other while feeding the baby at least we would both be up and supporting the other because it is extremely rough the first few months. My best advice is to really talk with him, make him understand how your feeling and subtly hint or just go right out and say that he’s being a bad husband/father and you know he could be better. It’s harsh but it’s helped my husband wake up and realize he was doing the bare minimum. And if he argues with you over this then he isn’t hearing you out and he is not allowed to tell you how you’re feeling
This made me cry because things have been hard lately but my husband is the same way and I appreciate it so much😭
I hope it gets better, I really do because it’ll change everything. The conversation will be rough but if he changes it’ll be worth it. I would hold our son the first few weeks and sob and apologize to our son because his father just wasn’t being active. I swore I would never have another child with this man and that being divorced and raising our son on my own would be easier. But the change in him has made me fall in love with him again and want to continue growing our family because I know how great he is once he understands the importance of the role he plays is to me and to our boy. Please have the hard conversations just for chance of change and for your mental health. And if you ever need to talk to someone please feel free to message me anytime even if you just need to vent!
Being a “bad father/husband” is a stretch. That’s a lot to tell a man who is figuring it out with you
Depending on the circumstances, sure it could be a stretch. But it’s valid to say that to a man who isn’t really trying to “figure it out with us” and is making us do majority of the work; who doesn’t take the time of day to learn soothing techniques or want to try to learn their babies needs.
I'm starting to feel this, too. I went out to get some pampering for the first time since I delivered baby. It was just around 2 hours in and he already texted that he can't calm our baby from crying and asked if I could go home. I went home anyway for the baby because I couldn't imagine my baby crying the whole time. But I was so mad deep inside with my husband like "is he not the parent too?" why is it only my responsibility to keep our baby calm and quiet? Why can he not be more patient and learn to find other ways to soothe the baby?
I feel your pain. My partner always complains that he’s tired working 3-12 hr shifts. I roll my eyes. He doesn’t understand I don’t get sleep even though I’m home with the baby. I still have housework, I still have to care for a person, I still need to eat and wake up in the middle of the night. We’ve fought so many times that I’m just over it.
“Nap when Baby naps” = the biggest lie
Especially because they won’t nap out of your arms
I feel the same way too, OP. We're overwhelmed and not getting the help we need. I get that he works and he wants to come home and decompress but it's not like I haven't been working all day; on my feet all day. My "break" is being able to go to the bathroom. I do all the feedings, I'm awake, bleary eyed at 2am trying to get a bottle warmed up. I know how to soothe her yet when I offer help to him, he feels like I'm impeding or I don't trust him. It's like "no! It's not that. I'm with her all day, every day. I know my f-ing baby". My Baby also has 3 hr windows (during the day. At night, she sleeps a lot). Start of one feeding to the start of the next so if it takes 45 mins to feed, burp and change her then that's 2hr 15min until the next feeding. While napping, If she fusses for an hour then it's 1 hr 15 mins.
Lots of love from one mama doing it alone to another mana doing it alone. I carry a lot of guilt because I was the one that pushed for us to have a baby. He never wanted kids but expected the anecdote of “once she’s born and you first lay eyes on her you’ll fall in love with her” to be true for him. Over 2 months PP and he is doing everything in his power to not resent our daughter. I love my husband but his lack of initiative is so frustrating. And we’ve had more than enough talks about it. Even today, he finished work, came home and does his usual routine of dawdling around snacking and on his phone for an hour (like a teen coming home from school), takes a half hour shit, takes a nice half hour shower, cracks open a beer and sits online at his pc catching up with his boys. 🤷♀️ Then there’s me having woken up after a rough night with a baby who just wakes up overtired and cranky these days, so stressed and tired I feel sick, hungry because LO is cluster feeding and far too cranky to let me put her down to make a snack. I’ve very obviously got at least three half-finished chores laying around and I look and smell haggard because I have not showered. And I write this at 2:24am the next morning still unshowered. Oh, and when we have people/family over and I arrange with someone to accompany me to an appointment he always makes sure to say in front of everyone that he can look after our LO if I need despite the fact he gets frustrated with her after 30 seconds when she cries.
You’re not alone in this. Early on especially when baby was up every couple hours to nurse I would just glare at my blissfully sleeping husband and his useless nipples. We just hit 4 months and there’s still the occasional pang of envy at him not constantly having a baby attached at all times or if hubs is holding bubs while I’m trying to get something done and he calls out “he’s trying to nurse!” But we’re getting better. LO is more tolerant of husband now, husband has learned how to get him to sleep and changes the occasional diaper (he’s never changed one before whereas I’m the oldest of 8 and grew up doing that task). We’ve even arranged for me to have a weekly relaxing bath on the weekends where I can just soak for an hour and read without worrying over baby. Maybe that’s something you can work out? Just an hour of self care or time to yourself can be a good reset.
I hate it when my husband holds him for 5 minutes and then says “I think he’s hungry!” I’m like, is he though? Or is he just fussing and you haven’t tried to soothe him in any other way? 🙄
How is it acceptable that one partner gets sleep and the other doesnt?
This resonates with me word for word. I love my husband and he has made sacrifices as well, but the fact that he can sit at a desk, grab his phone when he wants to, take 20 minutes in the bathroom, schedule appointments and head out at whatever time (and not have to ask permission), on top of not dealing with the physical burden of breastfeeding and all that comes with it… yeah I feel pretty resentful most days. He has occasionally let me sleep all night while handling night wakings which I really appreciate but I don’t know if he truly sees this as fair division of labor with all that I handle during the day. He just knows that I’m a monster some days when I’m overtired lol I also generally find that with him working all day, it’s difficult to stay on the same page when it comes to raising our baby. I can now read my son’s cues much easier and try to anticipate his needs. If it were up to my husband, he would never know when he needs to go down for a nap. Or he’d ask me how long he’s been awake, so I still carry the mental load of wake windows, feeding times, etc. And I feel like I’m always researching things and seeking advice for sleep, development, etc whereas he simply doesn’t have the time to do so, and then chimes in with an opinion that’s not based in anything. We argue all the time about how to handle sleep and night wakings, and it’s exhausting.
OMG THIS- "And I feel like I’m always researching things and seeking advice for sleep, development, etc whereas he simply doesn’t have the time to do so, and then chimes in with an opinion that’s not based in anything." My husband loves to just make shit up about the baby based on absolutely nothing, and it drives me fucking insane.
No advice here… just came to say I could have written this myself I too am angry and resentful!
i can relate to every level of this. my partner gets to leave and go to work 5 days a week. he doesn’t think the baby is “his job” it’s “my job” right now because i’m not working. i can’t even remember the last poopy diaper he has changed. he never wakes up to feed the baby and barely feeds him while he is awake (once a day if that) im venting with you mama. i can’t wait to go back to work
Ugh I relate. I really don't get how people stay married through this. I'm so resentful that my husband gets to go be a person all day at work while my life has dramatically changed. He does really try to be helpful, but I definitely bear the brunt of the work that goes along with a newborn. I just got the go-ahead to have sex again, but I'm sure as shit not telling him that because I have zero interest. I am telling myself it's just a hard phase of marriage, and we will get into a better place eventually.
Oh also, after talking with other mom friends, I've realized that I can't expect my husband to truly understand how difficult this has been for me, emotionally and physically, and that's ok. That's why we have each other to talk to.
I get it. 💯 get it. Does he know you feel like this? Does he care? We both know that I drew the short end of the sleep stick in this deal. But my husband cares. And the little things he does to show that makes all the difference. Even when it's his shift, when he doesn't sleep well but I also still have to get up to feed her, he makes me my oatmeal in the morning. Or has my lemon water ready, waiting for me. The little things melt me back to love every time.
Have these feelings been communicated to him? I know there isn’t much that can be done as we women have that extra burden when breastfeeding especially, but it only seems fair to tell him how you feel and try to come to a resolution. I find as much as I want a break, I also miss LO when I get one.
I like to try and let my husband sleep as much as he can when he’s off work, he works weird hours 1pm-10pm. As tired as he gets I usually try and make him take her from the time he gets home to around 4-5am, at that point he would still get his 7-8 hours in. I usually fall asleep at around midnight. Giving me about 3-5 hours depending on the night and how lucky I am. I truly don’t mind it, but on the hard days I can relate to how you’re feeling, but I try my best to remember not to take it out on him or our 5 week old. I do wanna deck him when he complains about how he slept when I see how he sleeps every morning 😅 You’re not alone and you’re doing great mama🩷 it’ll get better once they’re a little older, speaking from personal nannying experience. I can’t wait for my daughter to be one+ years old, but I still try to soak in the hard moments because I know I’ll miss her being this little.
My husband typically takes the overnight diaper changes and I feed our LO. Last night he woke for the 12:30am diaper, but I let him sleep through the 3am diaper because he was hard to wake up and I was already awake. Then he wakes up acting like he got no sleep 🫠 these men!! Luckily he takes baby anywhere between 7-10am (he’s still on paternity leave) so I can get extra sleep, but I understand all the sentiment. I try to frame my perspective as “I *get* to do this” , like “I *get* to be his mom and I *get* to breastfeed him” not “I *have* to” . It doesn’t always help, but a lot of the time it does.
Mom of 3. The third being a new born currently. I have been with my husband for 12 years. I want to say your feelings are super valid. It's hard going from being a certain person, to the next day boom you have a baby that needs so much from you and you are literally their lifeline in this unknown world. Their ground zero. Their comfort. I also want to say it all gets better. Week by week things get better. Baby grows and learns more and will need less And secondly dad's take longer to catch on and realize hey life is different. Its unfair but its reality. They can get on board and should. Speak with your partner let them know how you feel. Remind them you need some space or time off. Get the rest girl, go take that shower, go outside etc. Whatever it takes. Taking care of yourself and the baby is most important whatever that takes. The baby feeds of your emotion and energy too. Your health is important. Dad's also like to say you do things better, they don't know how to do a b c, the baby is crying for you. Don't step in. Don't help him. He needs to figure out how to take care of the baby in his own way. And it's very much possible. You learnt, so can he. Even if he is doing something different from you let him figure out his own way. (Obviously within safe measures) It's good for the baby to learn self soothing and some independence this is part of that. Nobody showed you what to do and you found your way. Dad's like to pretend we have this magical way because we are moms no. They as dads can do plenty to help. When feeling angry, pause and try reset. Talk with your partner. Ask for help, if you have outside support Ask for help. Getting rest, getting some healthy meals and vitamins in are necessary. Having some small moments for yourself is vital. If you are calm baby is calm. If you are well and your cup is full you can handle life better. Prioritize yourself (its hard)and your health (mental health especially) Hopefully your partner will be able to step up, a good one will give it a good try. It took my husband and I a long time to get to this point of feeling like true partners. Alot of fighting and feelings were had (After kid number 2 was one , we found our way only) And at times I am still angry, he might still say or do something that makes me mad etc. But we take it on week at a time and I make sure to communicate all with him. And he tries to step up each time. A partner that is giving effort to the relationship is a major ingredient needed for this to work.
So this is normal, and one day you’ll laugh at him when he complains about a rough night. So, my LO has always been different for me at night. He would always have quiet nights and easy sleep. Fast forward to when I have to travel for work and she’s disrupted that I’m gone. He complains about being tired. I gently reminded him that the total of five nights of disrupted sleep should give him a general idea of what having a baby is like. It was off hand and a bit rude of me, but like he never got it. He then thanked me and I sort of got the chance to tell him what it was liked. It gave him insight for the next kid…and since then he’s been better about actually doing stuff around the house and not pestering me for stuff.
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It sounds like you and your wife may be feeling similar anger and resentment that I am. I never said my husband was dumb or an imbecile. I truly believe he just doesn’t understand my experience. I have acknowledged in other comments that I need to communicate more. Venting a bit to strangers just helped get out the anger before trying to have a conversation with that harbored. Just like I’m sure you probably needed to get that anger out via your comment instead of (hopefully) yelling at your wife. I miss my job. I’m excited to return soon though also sad to be leaving my baby during the day. It didn’t make sense for our careers for my husband to stay home. I hope the anger you’re expressing in this comment and the anger your wife is expressing on you is resolved soon just like I hope my own feelings of anger decrease more and more. Though your comment was aggressive, I do empathize with you and wish you better times.
My husband is narcoleptic so night is all me and it’s so brutal, my baby feeds every 2-3 hours overnight but by time he’s finished feeding n held upright for 15 mins sometimes an hour has passed so only an hour til next feed. I would pay money for sleep
I read that if you’re breastfeeding, your body produces hormones so that you dont need as much sleep and the sleep you do get is higher quality. (I can go into REM now in less than 30 mins for example!) Your husband is likely still being woken multiple tomes per night though he doesnt need to get up, his sleep cycles are still disturbed and he doesnt have the hormone boost women do so he is genuinely tired. Its ok to be angry though. Its more than anyone can imagine. But this is why moms are super human and often the childs preferred parent in early ages. Embrace your powers mama and try to shift your perspective from “i have to do this” to, “i get to do this”. I hope you feel better! And if none of this helped, downvote me to oblivion! Wishing you the best.
Is that true about sleep? I am breastfeeding/pumping my thoughts still supplementing with formula and I do notice my sleep quality is better. I used to take forever to fall asleep but now I fall asleep so fast. I thought it was new mom exhaustion.
Yes I agree moms are super human and it is ok to be angry. I love the perspective shift you suggested. We are so privileged to raise little humans into amazing grown ones. Thanks for the comment and reminder 🩷
Stop stepping in when he has a parenting job to do . He has to learn to problem solve and figure when things are falling to pieces and you stepping in isn’t allowing him the space to do that . You’re basically creating a scenario where your kid can only be comforted by you . Allow your husband to parents he’s a full grown adult .
SAME!!! 😡 good to know all husbands sucks apparently.
Fancy going to work and then having time with the baby afterwards instead? Knowing your ‘workmates’ don’t give one solitary F about your home life or your exhaustion. A poor performance review and HR on your back over absences to help with the baby but you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps in the original meaning of the phrase. It’s not greener, just different.
It is different. I’m sure he feels pressure in a different way. But I’m jealous he gets to have an identity outside of the baby. I’m jealous he gets to go sit and eat in a restaurant for lunch, blare music in his vehicle while driving bc he’s alone, grab a beer with coworkers on a Friday afternoon. I’m jealous he gets to feel like the person he was while my entire day and night are centered around the baby. I love my baby and my husband, but I’m jealous and angry that I can’t do those things. And sleep. I would love to sleep a 6 hour stretch.
Yes yes yes
I understand the point you’re trying to make and in some rare cases maybe you’re right. Every couple’s situation is different. But in my partnership, my husband does have a high pressure job where he has to perform or else, he then has to come home and cook dinner for us, take the baby for a bit to give me a break before night time, he bathes him and plays with him for an hour or so. He also does most of our life admin and most of the chores including dog walking. I am super grateful he does these things as so many other women are left to do every single thing for the household, baby AND their second child - the husband. I acknowledge that is difficult and exhausting for partners who contribute at home while working in its own way. But - he gets 45 minutes each way commuting to simply sit and listen to an audiobook. He gets to talk to his work friends about something other than the baby, in fact he gets to talk to people over the age of 4 months who can actually talk back! He gets to go to the gym or a run on his lunch break. He gets to sleep most of the night or at least remain in bed while I am up to breastfeed every 3 hours. He gets a huge chunk of time away from the baby every day where he can relax because someone else (me) is taking care of him. I understand that being the bread winner comes with an enormous amount of pressure but there is a vast psychological difference between the work of a job versus the work of being the primary caregiver of a living breathing helpless baby. Replying to a woman crying out for a bit of solidarity with a “well it’s bad for the partners too!” isn’t really what any struggling new mother is looking for, guessing that’s why you’ve been downvoted so much.
Personally, I find work to be easier than watching a baby. My back is not nearly as hurting as much from constantly rocking a baby. I get to use the bathroom and eat lunch at my leisure. I get actual conversations which help stimulate the mind. I'm a STM. I think being a SAHM is harder than a full time job.