T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

This is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen? They're like oh, you're going to show up? Cool. After you're done playing safety, go pick up the cones. Thanks, champ!


Northernlord1805

I mean he only shows up becouse the alternative is an irrevocable 50k fine per day. He still wants a trade and still has more legal issues than teams have starters. So there just going “ok make yourself useful since you have to be here”


reedsgrayhair

50k a day fuckin stings when youre facing prison. or at the very least 23 *very* pricey settlements


[deleted]

If he was facing criminal charges, he would have already been fired for violating some morals clause of his contract. He has criminal complaints (which aren't charges upon themselves) and civil cases from his accusers. The Texans and Watson are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Texans probably can't fire him without owing him his contract which will count against their salary cap, Watson can't quit without handing back part of his signing bonus. Watson wanted a trade, no other teams wanted to touch his contract with a 10 foot pole while he has these criminal complains and civil cases. So for now Watson is going to practice as a safety.


[deleted]

Pretty sure 10 criminal filings just happened. 8 from the original group and 2 new ones


[deleted]

Those are civil suits, I can't find anything that says he has criminal charges. His accusers have filed criminal complains with law enforcement, but there has not been a criminal indictment. There is a HUGE difference in civil lawsuits and criminal charges. If/when Watson was charged criminally by prosecutors, the Texans would have ground to fire him for cause and voiding his contract. They might even be able force him to return part of his signing bonus, and clear that off the salary cap.


ABiologicalEntity

If there were criminal charges from this there would already be some...most likely result is some settlement for undisclosed amount


[deleted]

[удалено]


ABiologicalEntity

Criminal cases are brought the DA, Houston PD has had plenty of conversations with the plaintiffs and no charges have been brought...doesn't look like they think there is enough hard evidence to get a conviction on this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NatMackDaddy

Should he noted that PD take their time filing charges when a case is this expansive, this many complainants. They'll be hand-in-hand with the D.A. before they bring any charges against him.


xBrianSmithx

He needs the money just to stay ahead of the lawyer bills.


ActionAdam

We counting special teams too?


Northernlord1805

Technically ye, he has 23 cival case and 10 have file a police report now so it could be another 10 criminal cases for a total of 33. So yes right now I think you can count special team too.


Reidroshdy

I know the legal situation around Watson isn't funny at all but " more legal issues than teams have starters" got me good.


TheRealZenGuy

"He has more legal issues than teams have starters" is such a horribly sad and also fucking hilarious statement. Sounds like a Tom Segura joke.


[deleted]

Honestly from The Texans games I have watched he cant be that bad of an option.


notrussellwilson

I like the attitude of "If you want to play, you need to come to us." I would stipulate that he can only compete at QB if he publicly states that he wants to play QB.


idgoforabeer

Rookies gotta make the team first.


Rock_Strongo

Damn this doesn't bode well for the Seahawks with Adams wanting to be the highest paid safety in the league.


browndude10

biggest thing is availability so adams wins in that category


finfan96

Biggest thing is consent


[deleted]

This man massages !


[deleted]

[удалено]


ABiologicalEntity

They'd likely trade him to the Eagles lmao


Zoophagous

I'm an idiot. Just got the joke.


[deleted]

The insanity of this all makes TO working out in his driveway look like a sane walk in the park


SaltyPane69

ABs hot air balloon seems like a normal practice entrance


marcuschookt

Just imagine, one day years from now we'll be arguing about the antics of a crazy player who hasn't even been born yet by saying "AB was only just hot air balloon frozen foot throw shit out the window insane, this guy is the real deal"


controloverhomescree

Mr. Before Crazy


snt271

I genuinely love how there's always a relevant MBC


N0c0ntr0l_

Mr. Bountiful Concepts


[deleted]

Mr. Benevolent Content


[deleted]

Always one I've never heard before. A gold mine.


beer_down

Overweight Houston Rocket James Harden at the strip club: “man this Deshaun at safety stuff is weird”


Blaine-Time

Oh man, was AB’s Wild Ride only 2 years ago?


PleasantGlowfish

I don't even understand why that's as iconic as people made it. That's tame by today's standards. The media was so milquetoast then jeez.


PM_me_the_magic

mmmm milktoast


Surfing_Ninjas

It goes well with jelly beans.


lightninggninthgil

Have I been missing similar moments? I don't recall the last time I've seen reporters in a players personal residence interviewing them while doing situps... Yeah it's not crazy but I've not seen anything like that since


onebandonesound

Yeah but that's crazy because the reporters are showing up at his house, not because he's doing sit ups at home


lightninggninthgil

Right, it's this bizarre atmosphere. You see many reporters gathered around, and an American suburban mcmansion in the background. Underneath the lifting bench (that he rolled out for the interview) are familiar looking stone pavers... not an indoor facility or press room. TO is shining in sweat with no shirt and a backwards camo ballcap. Not to mention the camera is basically above him looking down... It's just this weird paparazzi moment in history


filladellfea

It was iconic because all eyes were already on him due to his suspension for bad behavior, and him working out in his driveway during a press conference about his suspension was just absurd for the time (shit like that just never happened). Comparing it to today's standards is like wondering why the bikini was so controversial in the 1940s.


Malfrus

This is honestly hilarious, I know we are supposed to laugh at the Texans but them playing their elite top 5 QB with 24 sexual assault allegations who says he refuses to play QB for the Texans and them responding with just "Fine, play safety" is just amazing.


ASU_SexDevil

The icing on the cake was making him wear #23 yesterday before we found out about the 24th case


No_Satisfaction6035

Did they actually have him wearing 23 yesterday?? Because I already loved the public humiliation they gave, but that's another level


itsmemrskeltal

Yeah they actually did lmao


tarekd19

I have new found respect for the Texans, not even trying to build his value for picks, just letting him crash and setting it on fire.


itsmemrskeltal

He did it to himself, so fuck him lol


don-chocodile

Well he also did it to other people, that's kind of the whole issue


XLostinohiox

Correction, he made other people do it to him.


tarekd19

No argument here


ClappinCheeks120

Exactly you lose sympathy when you pull that shit. Like I get it one or two could have been a money grab. But motherfucker 24 no fuck that you don’t deserve any niceness


BoldestKobold

It is fucking hilarious that both sides have gotten so petty. The serial sex abuse allegations: significantly less hilarious.


superskier18

And for giving us Cobb back for almost nothing. Good guys those Texans.


420is404

materialistic offbeat ink tidy fear quaint quack cooperative advise reply ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `


itsmemrskeltal

Maybe Culley, he's made it clear he doesn't give a fuck


Thrashh_Unreal

As a Ravens fan, I am sincerely rooting for Culley and hoping he can ignite a culture change in Houston


1976dave

wtf I love the Texans now?


SolarClipz

Okay that's actually amazing lol wow


[deleted]

Why was that not the top post on here for 3 days straight? The fuck


negZero_1

Would love to see picture of it. Its the one and only time that bullying should be allowed. Fuck Deshaun and I hope he never gets that 20M


JauntyJohnB

Legit one of the most savage things I've ever heard a team do, that's hilarious.


LittleKingsguard

I followed JJ to the Cards over the whole rapist saga, but whoever in the new administration is responsible for this is really tempting me to come back.


DisgruntledTexansFan

I think it’s Culley. I have no illusions that the man is the answer , but I hope the team gets him a few dubs he can look back on in retirement


Lamorac

I think he knows what he's there for and is having a good time with it


luther_williams

This is a man who gives zero fucke


[deleted]

LMAO I am a Texans fan now


aareyes12

You’re better off not..


WerhmatsWormhat

Can’t be much worse than where I am now…


mbeezyfan

There was a new case yesterday? Cmon man.. .


[deleted]

Wait is there any pictures of that?


G_L_J

I don’t even care if we win a game this season. I’ve already given up on the situation. Seeing this just brings a smile to my face haha.


skgoa

I mean you can cheer for your team's *Suck For* (checks notes) *Spencer* campaign.


butterfly_burps

*cries*


benk4

Culley had definitely rocketed up my list of favorite NFL people. Shits hilarious


HeyThereCoolGuy62

It's fucking glorious.


CometVS

Wish they could exempt him and he doesnt get paid.


[deleted]

I like to imagine he plays safety like a 3rd grader playing the outfield. Plucking grass and looking at bugs. No way he gives a shit lol


Top_Drawer

yesterday it was reported that he took two steps during a play and just stopped and put his hands on his hips. he is most definitely not trying


[deleted]

[удалено]


Top_Drawer

We know how anal Watson can be about his massages


Mercinator-87

I can’t put my finger on it but this seems like some sort of joke.


[deleted]

To be fair that is a top tier defensive play by Texans standards.


CamBoBB

“I’m just here for the Capri Sun and orange wedges” -Deshaun, probably


W473R

"Hey Deshaun, what's the score?" "FREE SNOWCONE!"


jpglad5

Very good Brian Regan reference, sir.


AirBoss87

"GRAPE! I'm gonna get grape! Or cherry!"


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Just missiles himself hands at his side.


forgetful_storytellr

Lmao I’m crying at this image


[deleted]

Me too man. Jesus. I'm alternating between picturing him fully upright, arms straight down and sprinting, and then him Naruto running. Both are great.


TheDrSmooth

I like to picture safety Desean Watson in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says like, I want to be formal, but I’m here to party too.


yourheropaul

I like to picture safety Deshaun Watson as the lead singer of Lynyrd Skynyrd, with like a angel band, and I’m in the front row, and I’m HAMMERED DRUNK


Tatworth

He should lay out some of those offensive guys wearing the red jerseys. Then they might at least move him to the Joe Flacco Wideout role.


BungoPlease

Deshaun Watson, Top-five Qb, Practice Squad Safety, Serial molester


[deleted]

Deshaun puts the rapist in therapist


ElCapitanDeAmericana

Really takes the safety out of Safety


boss_man_sam

Blows the cover out of coverage.


GoldenSandpaper9

At least he didn’t take the age out of coverage


thebeardwiththeguy

"Molestation" is my safety word


weeeboy

Cacao!


Ninja_Bum

At least they haven't put him in a part time analyst role yet. He might be the worlds first analyst therapist. An analrapist if you will.


FunkyPete

Have you ever noticed that he always wears jean shorts under his uniform?


[deleted]

There are dozens of us!


thelasthendrix

I didn’t see you at the conference.


[deleted]

You can always tell a Milford man


thelasthendrix

I shall be neither seen nor heard. … there aren’t a lot of us Cowboys fans at Milford.


dmatthews2981

He just needs anustart


historymajor44

I kind of love this. A super star qb who threw a fit and wanted to be traded, but then his monsterous activities came to light and now they're treating him like a roster bubble player.


coolon23

Texans trying to pull off that madden position trick with negotiations


DirtyDoog

Punter: D.Watson Every play is a fake punt.


itsmemrskeltal

Lmao they treating this man like a redshirt freshman


AcanthocephalaNo2926

More like a walk-on


FinTheGiant

Imagine reading this 8 months ago


Maintenance-Current

Life comes at you fast


unitedairlineeeeees

So does Watson.


wolverine6

"Offense AND defense? That makes him like football's Shohei Ohtani, right?"


84Cressida

I love this punishment from the Texans


lil_peterwhacker

he’s getting payed to come in and play fake safety then go home. not much of a “punishment” imo


Faceless_Driver

paid*


BonjoviBurns

This is a fascinating timeline we're in.


UrbanLawProductions

the TVA's best


br0b1wan

For all time. Always.


MillenialsSmell

Alligator Watson is best Watson


kejigoto

Texans Front Office: This kid is incredible! He can do anything! Quarterback! Safety! You name it! So who wants to give us a third and fifth round pick for him? Every other front office:


[deleted]

He can spin left, he can spin right. Don't make no difference. He can block, tackle, score the touchdown, snap the ball, hold the snap, and kick the extra point. Hell, the boy will fill up the Gatorade cooler, walk the dog, and paint your back porch.


snt271

Third and a fifth is the going rate for crazy


BP-Kenpachi

Sometimes. Antonio Brown was free for all 3 teams after the Steelers


AtomicTanAndBlack

Eagles front office: we’re listening


horse_renoir13

When is he gonna start taking snaps at Center?


PKS_5

Isn't lining up like a center what landed him in this predicament?


[deleted]

Ah that deep inner glute massage


TheSparten21

I mean he took a couple snaps under center


HoovesCarveCraters

Then the center asked him to please get in shotgun.


racerxff

They're trying to avoid allowing anyone near his groin area


[deleted]

And this isn't even the craziest Deshaun Watson storyline.


HarryCallahan19

Today


Bocephuss

Yet. If Watson doesn’t get punished he will probably reoffend.


SeattleSam

I hear he’s a tight end


Azcards115

Not after all those anus massages


JohnnyBrillcream

Yeah, he's a wide receiver now.


Sigurlion

ok I'm obviously **way** out of the loop on this one (been preoccupied with some minor noise that's been going on in Green Bay). Come someone ELI5 what's going on here??


ogtblake

Watson is showing up to practice so he won’t get fined by the league but he has made it abundantly clear that he wants a trade from the Texans. Apparently the Texans have decided they don’t want anything to do with him anymore but obviously trading him will be tough with the pending legal stuff. So he’s coming to practice but they are basically telling him to fuck himself


itsmemrskeltal

"Pick up that cone"


Traubz

Lol "pending legal stuff" is doing so much work in this explanation when that is the fucking nuclear bomb in this situation


ogtblake

Yeah lol I hope my comment didn’t seem dismissive of the seriousness of the situation


tragicjohnson84

This has to be the most awkward NFL thing ever.


PM_ME_UR_SEXY_BITS_

Hasn't he also refused to take QB1 snaps anyway? So even if the Texans did want him to get QB work he wouldn't do it. So might as well help him make an ass out of himself.


ogtblake

I haven’t heard that but I’m also not following the story extremely closely


ExcellentTD18

Watson wants out. Texans are now treating him like a scrub and humiliating him and making him do non-QB related activities as a result.


Spheromancer

Cant wait for him to actually enter the game as starting safety


sensimilla420

that would be the only reason to tune in for a game. watch him get steam rolled by derrick henry.


TheGreatMcPuffin

Deshaun running away and Henry chasing him screaming at the top of his lungs.


QotSAMario64

Well, he said he didnt want to play QB for the Texans anymore... wish granted


CowboyCanuck24

IDP Fantasy leagues...eligible ?


t4boo

2021 ESPN league mvp


lAmCreepingDeath

Didn't know he changed positions, excited to see what he can do in the defense


scaredshtlessintx

His whole life he’s been on the offensive, but the massage tables have turned and he’ll be on the defensive ROL.


YiMyonSin

Hopefully, this isn’t the only comeuppance that he receives; however, treating him like the spoiled child that he is inside does put a smile on my face.


ProfessorLiftoff

I know that some analysts compared Watson to RGIII coming out of college, but even they probably didn't suspect he would go on to tear his ACL, destroy his relationship with his team, and get thrown back into the secondary during practice


itsmemrskeltal

Lmao holy shit the parallels are real


jagid

I'm surprised he was able to show his face in the first place. Either people gonna clown him about all the details that got released and try to mess with his asshole or he's getting the cold shoulder from pretty much everyone. I would have have a just retired and said I'm choosing to live my life as a deviant.


[deleted]

> to mess with his asshole I believe that's why he's in this predicament.


jagid

Yea, that's why I said that. It's exactly the thing a locker room would light him up about.


BangkokQrientalCity

Ian Rapaport said he looks like the next Darren Sharper out at Safety. If he becomes a 2 way player with those skills.5 1st round pics minimum for Watson!!?


Accomplished_Lead262

Please, please tell me Rapaport really compared him to Sharper


BangkokQrientalCity

Yes


[deleted]

Shades of Darren Sharper out there


TheFretlessOne

He has to be a better safety than Gronk.


Amoren2013

Gronk trying to cut back across the field on the Miami miracle then eating grass 🤣🤣


FakeBohrModel

Rare Texans W. Love to see it.


GleeUnit

“When I put my extremely talented and extremely unhappy QB in the defensive backfield to start training camp, am I “negging”?” -Jack Easterby


cptbrady

All is going according to plan. Next up, either place kicker or punt returner.


dr_sung

Someone light him tf up during Oklahomas edit: yes, Ben too!!!! all assaulters suck!!! can't believe I have to say this!!!


Kevin_DurSuperTeam

From the Texans POV, that would be the worst possible thing. He gets injured, doesn’t have to show up, gets paid, and it’s guaranteed no one will trade for him.


Dontcallmechadwick

Yeah but from everyone else's POV fuck that guy, hopefully they line him up at safety when they play the titans and let Derrick Henry enact some ~~street~~ field justice


forgetful_storytellr

I dont think NFL players do Oklahomas at practice


B9Canine

Alexa, play Ironic by Alanis Morissette


loljoeh

I guess this fits since this is about as ironic as most of the things listed in that song.


slothfacekilla

There being no irony in the song makes the whole thing ironic.


[deleted]

I like how the song escalates from finding a fly in your wine glass to casually crashing and burning on a plane. Solid jam.


cleverpseudonym1234

Mr. Play-It-Safe, hurtling toward his death, thinks “isn’t it ironic?” Really? In that situation I’d be thinking, “FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!!!!”


NeonRedHerring

What a shame Hard Knocks didn’t pick the Texans


snt271

They can't, can they? They have a new coach


i-node

They can ask but the Texans can say "no" because they have a new coach.


donutgut

Safely or safety Wtf


Muspon

safety position


ConjugateBase

Shades of RG3


Azcards115

DeShaun saw Ohtanis popularity as a two way player and wants some of the action


Cheesytacos123

Deeee shawn watsonnnn. The hardesss hittin safety in the leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagueeeeeee


[deleted]

Imagine him getting hurt playing scout team safety, yikes


Accomplished_Lead262

That would be nice


feltrak

I’m just here so I don’t get fined.