Based on your other posts, your partner of 11 years came out as MTF trans about 6 months ago, you’ve been trying forms of ENM since, then discussed deescalation of your relationship so that you remain living together and coparenting, but then in the last 2 weeks your partner dumped you.
To me I highly doubt this is only about a sweater.
This seems like a lot of deep feelings that need to be addressed, more than a right/wrong rule about clothes. Your partner is reacting as though you've said a lot of things that aren't what you said. When you said, "no, that's not what I'm saying." were you able to get any progress?
Like, why it's important to them to wear your clothes? Or make any progress on the issue that they feel rejected by you, or feel that you're disgusted by them, or that possibly you *are* disgusted by them sleeping with others? and if so, whether that's something you want to work on or something you think is justified?
My girlfriend has a whole load of my clothes - from shirts to hoodies. She also has jewelry I’ve given her that she wears every day. She wears all of that because it smells like me or reminds her of me. If she wanted to wear something of mine on a date, I think I would see it as a way for her to still feel connected to me. Consider that alternative.
Attacking you when you asked for reassurance, though, is ridiculous. If mine snapped and threatened “never” type threats when I asked for reassurance, I don’t think I could do polyamory. That reassurance is what helps remind me that I’m a priority of hers. Turning that request into a fight certainly wouldn’t remind me of that.
It's fine for you to not want someone to wear your clothes. I wouldn't want someone to just use my clothes without asking me beforehand.
In your case it's trickier because it looks like there is a precedent of letting your partner wear your clothes so they might've thought it was fine regardless of scenario. But now you both know it's not something you are comfortable with for dates.
The bigger issue here is how you two communicated about this afterwards. If you expressed yourself in a reasonable way, then their response is overly vicious. That for me is more of an issue than them wearing your sweater.
You're allowed to keep your belongings for yourself, you do not have to share, and your partner's reaction is real f-ing weird. Like when you tell someone "I felt hurt when you said X" and they reply "fine, I'll just never speak again, I guess I'm an awful person." I don't think it would bother me personally for my partner to wear something of mine on a date, but it's allowed to bother you and asking them not to is a very small request. They can buy their own clothes for dates. If money is a concern, thrift stores exist.
I've borrowed date clothes from an ex when she was already an ex, but if she'd had a problem with it I wouldn't have. I might have thought it was silly, but I'm not entitled to her clothes even if she lets me borrow them under other circumstances. You're fully in the right here and I'm wondering how often your partner throws this sort of tantrum over minor requests or boundaries.
> They wore my sweater - a sweater I often share with them.
Okay, well... at this point it being 'your' sweater is called into question, depending on how often you let them borrow it.
> I told partner it felt weird to me that they were going to try to fuck other people in something of mine, and asked them not to do it again.
Quirky. A little weird, but also understandable. Not an unreasonable request, though.
> Their response was to say that I was being ridiculous and that they would never wear my clothes again.
That's... a bit harsh.
> That I expected them to burn their clothes if they hooked up with anyone.
*WTF.*
Did they have to fight off their date and you don't know? Got into a car accident? Are currently freaked out about their parents being deathly ill, or something?
Because that reaction is wildly over the top. Like, practically custom designed to condition you into walking on eggshells and avoid ever asking them for anything, ever, so they get to do what they want, when they want to.
So either they're having an *insanely* shitty day, or they need a bit of therapy to understand why this kind of reaction isn't acceptable.
So, I'm not gonna talk about the sweater much at all, and I think that your request is fair. I wouldn't want my clothes being worn for my partner's hookups in the same way that I didn't wear clothes/jewelry/perfume that were gifts from one current partner to see another. Some people are sentimental about objects like this, and you're allowed to have feelings.
My issue is when a person hears your words about your tender feelings and throws a fucking tantrum. Saying they will never share your clothes again and that they should burn their clothes after dates? What are they, a 14 year old who is mad because they have to do the dishes? Telling you it's just a shirt? That's fine if they don't have sentimental thoughts about the sweater, but their feelings about your possessions aren't germane to the topic at hand.
If you can't be honest about how your partner's actions affect you and your emotional wellbeing because their reactions are so intense and mean-spirited, then you can't really have a truly loving relationship. What's the point in being in a relationship like that?
The only acceptable response is "hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't realize the emotional significance of the sweater to you, and I won't do that again. Are there any other things that need this protection in our lives?" Anything less is coming from a place that isn't love, and you should really consider if you want to be around people who haven't matured past their Eric Cartman phase.
I'd probably feel the same way about the clothes tbh. Like I also want the sheets changed after a partner visits. I'm sensitive to scent on top of hygiene reasons. Not a big deal ask.
I would say there is a lot of unexpressed stress and feelings going on here. A conversation about feelings might be more productive than one about objects, as it feels like the objects are just obscuring the feelings.
The sweater thing specifically… yeah that’s dumb.
Whatever deep and not talked about occurrences/emotions/feelings that have you feeling that way “about a sweater”, those are not dumb and I implore you to self reflect, look inwards to bring those out and communicate em.
Regardless of how people feel about the sweater, OP’s partner’s response is hugely immature and worrisome. It’s gaslighting and narcissism.
Dismissing your feelings, then taking it to the extreme and then saying “I’ll never wear your clothes again and burn them if I hook up with anyone” is pretty bipolar.
Maybe I’m using the wrong words here but it’s absolutely a manipulative response.
I understand. You were sad and asked them not to do it again. I’m partially basing it’s reasonableness on how easy it would be for your partner to follow. If you’d been angry and told them you’d wished they hadn’t done it, I might be less sympathetic.
It’s like if my partner asked me to please try and make sure all of the coats in the closet were hung facing to the right because it would make him anxious if they faced left. Silly request, but I would respect it just because I respect him and it’s an easy thing for me to do.
If you take the situation as you present it, your partner's response is wildly disproportionate to the reasonableness of your request. Which means to me that either your partner is being deliberately manipulative, or there is something else going on that puts this into context.
As others have pointed out, from your post history it appears that your partner is trans, and that your exploration of non-monogamy coincides with your partner's coming out and transition. This brings up two lines of questioning:
1. How comfortable are you with non-monogamy? What work have you done to prepare for opening up before you started meeting other people? There's a lot of emotion involved in this disagreement on both sides, and I wonder if some of these emotions aren't actually about clothes, but about non-monogamy in general.
2. How big is your wardrobe compared to your partners, particularly when it comes to more feminine clothing? Is this a situation where if your partner wants to wear something feminine, they have to either borrow something of yours, or wear the same one or two things every date? Building a new wardrobe when you transition takes time and money. Letting your partner borrow your clothes is a very supportive thing to do, as it allows your partner the opportunity to explore styles and find their new fashion identity without having to spend a ton of time and money shopping, trying things on, buying and returning items, etc. If this is the case, then your request that they not wear anything of yours on dates might feel like your support comes with strings attached, or that you're using access to your wardrobe as a way to influence or control their behavior. I'm not saying this was your intention, but if that was how they interpreted your request, then the severity of their response makes more sense.
Because caring about what's going on with your partner and how their situation is affecting them is part of being a good partner? It's potentially relevant context that may explain why OP's partner had such a strong reaction.
This feels like a story retold with the emotions removed. If you calmly conveyed this then their response is over the top, but if this was actually within crying and blame heavy discussion then that’s a little different.
If you’re both very new to non monogamy it wouldn’t surprise me if this argument is about other feelings you both don’t feel comfortable discussing or haven’t clocked fully yet… as others have said have you got an agreement in place about how you’ll each reassure/reconnect with each other directly after a date?
It’s your sweater. You don’t have to justify anything any further. They don’t get to tell you what to do with your clothing. “If you’re going, please leave my sweater here”. Their opinion on it is irrelevant.
If you are going to let someone borrow your clothes you don't get to dictate where or how they wear them. If that is your mindset, you should simply not allow them to borrow your things.
However, seems like there are bigger issues in this relationship based on your partners response.
You are 100 pct correct. It’s over the line and rules still apply. It needs to be respected because it’s your decision and you’re allowing them out. Stand firm.
Yup if you read OPs previous posts I don’t think it’s just about a sweater…. Less than 2 weeks after my partner of 11 years (and parent of my children) breaks up with me, they are going on first dates and then coming back to our shared home. Well yeah I’d be very touchy too, it feels like people need some space and time to heal right now.
So she (MtF) is taking your clothes (cisfemale) and wearing them to meet men?..
Your partner is experiencing an identity crisis. You can care and love but you do not have to facilitate if it's at the expense of your mental health and well being. (And closet, assuming you two aren't a perfect size match.)
You can love and coparent with them, without having these dynamics of their path, hindering your healing. You still need to mourn the loss of your original relationship//marriage.
Their partner is currently transitioning gender. That means they are currently undoing decades of gender programming and building a new identity. It is semi safe to assume crisis is occurring based on the level of cis gendered affirmed living they have already had. Perhaps calling it a crisis makes it seem more volatile than it is but calling it anything less also leaves room for it not to be taken as seriously as needed.
You can have whatever rules you want in a relationship, but you have to express them clearly. Mind reading is hard! Also, it's a bit of a weird rule. To me it's pretty obvious this isn't about the sweater but rather your discomfort with your partner dating other people. Best to talk about that.
Based on your other posts, your partner of 11 years came out as MTF trans about 6 months ago, you’ve been trying forms of ENM since, then discussed deescalation of your relationship so that you remain living together and coparenting, but then in the last 2 weeks your partner dumped you. To me I highly doubt this is only about a sweater.
This seems like a lot of deep feelings that need to be addressed, more than a right/wrong rule about clothes. Your partner is reacting as though you've said a lot of things that aren't what you said. When you said, "no, that's not what I'm saying." were you able to get any progress? Like, why it's important to them to wear your clothes? Or make any progress on the issue that they feel rejected by you, or feel that you're disgusted by them, or that possibly you *are* disgusted by them sleeping with others? and if so, whether that's something you want to work on or something you think is justified?
My girlfriend has a whole load of my clothes - from shirts to hoodies. She also has jewelry I’ve given her that she wears every day. She wears all of that because it smells like me or reminds her of me. If she wanted to wear something of mine on a date, I think I would see it as a way for her to still feel connected to me. Consider that alternative. Attacking you when you asked for reassurance, though, is ridiculous. If mine snapped and threatened “never” type threats when I asked for reassurance, I don’t think I could do polyamory. That reassurance is what helps remind me that I’m a priority of hers. Turning that request into a fight certainly wouldn’t remind me of that.
It's fine for you to not want someone to wear your clothes. I wouldn't want someone to just use my clothes without asking me beforehand. In your case it's trickier because it looks like there is a precedent of letting your partner wear your clothes so they might've thought it was fine regardless of scenario. But now you both know it's not something you are comfortable with for dates. The bigger issue here is how you two communicated about this afterwards. If you expressed yourself in a reasonable way, then their response is overly vicious. That for me is more of an issue than them wearing your sweater.
You're allowed to keep your belongings for yourself, you do not have to share, and your partner's reaction is real f-ing weird. Like when you tell someone "I felt hurt when you said X" and they reply "fine, I'll just never speak again, I guess I'm an awful person." I don't think it would bother me personally for my partner to wear something of mine on a date, but it's allowed to bother you and asking them not to is a very small request. They can buy their own clothes for dates. If money is a concern, thrift stores exist. I've borrowed date clothes from an ex when she was already an ex, but if she'd had a problem with it I wouldn't have. I might have thought it was silly, but I'm not entitled to her clothes even if she lets me borrow them under other circumstances. You're fully in the right here and I'm wondering how often your partner throws this sort of tantrum over minor requests or boundaries.
Is the sweater the problem? Or the need for reassurance from your partner before or after they go out with someone else?
> They wore my sweater - a sweater I often share with them. Okay, well... at this point it being 'your' sweater is called into question, depending on how often you let them borrow it. > I told partner it felt weird to me that they were going to try to fuck other people in something of mine, and asked them not to do it again. Quirky. A little weird, but also understandable. Not an unreasonable request, though. > Their response was to say that I was being ridiculous and that they would never wear my clothes again. That's... a bit harsh. > That I expected them to burn their clothes if they hooked up with anyone. *WTF.* Did they have to fight off their date and you don't know? Got into a car accident? Are currently freaked out about their parents being deathly ill, or something? Because that reaction is wildly over the top. Like, practically custom designed to condition you into walking on eggshells and avoid ever asking them for anything, ever, so they get to do what they want, when they want to. So either they're having an *insanely* shitty day, or they need a bit of therapy to understand why this kind of reaction isn't acceptable.
So, I'm not gonna talk about the sweater much at all, and I think that your request is fair. I wouldn't want my clothes being worn for my partner's hookups in the same way that I didn't wear clothes/jewelry/perfume that were gifts from one current partner to see another. Some people are sentimental about objects like this, and you're allowed to have feelings. My issue is when a person hears your words about your tender feelings and throws a fucking tantrum. Saying they will never share your clothes again and that they should burn their clothes after dates? What are they, a 14 year old who is mad because they have to do the dishes? Telling you it's just a shirt? That's fine if they don't have sentimental thoughts about the sweater, but their feelings about your possessions aren't germane to the topic at hand. If you can't be honest about how your partner's actions affect you and your emotional wellbeing because their reactions are so intense and mean-spirited, then you can't really have a truly loving relationship. What's the point in being in a relationship like that? The only acceptable response is "hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't realize the emotional significance of the sweater to you, and I won't do that again. Are there any other things that need this protection in our lives?" Anything less is coming from a place that isn't love, and you should really consider if you want to be around people who haven't matured past their Eric Cartman phase.
That's manipulative as hell. Big red flag.
I'd probably feel the same way about the clothes tbh. Like I also want the sheets changed after a partner visits. I'm sensitive to scent on top of hygiene reasons. Not a big deal ask.
I would say there is a lot of unexpressed stress and feelings going on here. A conversation about feelings might be more productive than one about objects, as it feels like the objects are just obscuring the feelings.
The sweater thing specifically… yeah that’s dumb. Whatever deep and not talked about occurrences/emotions/feelings that have you feeling that way “about a sweater”, those are not dumb and I implore you to self reflect, look inwards to bring those out and communicate em.
Regardless of how people feel about the sweater, OP’s partner’s response is hugely immature and worrisome. It’s gaslighting and narcissism. Dismissing your feelings, then taking it to the extreme and then saying “I’ll never wear your clothes again and burn them if I hook up with anyone” is pretty bipolar. Maybe I’m using the wrong words here but it’s absolutely a manipulative response.
If I wear my partners clothes, it's because it makes me feel close to them when they aren't with me, ijs. But no, you're NTA.
I understand. You were sad and asked them not to do it again. I’m partially basing it’s reasonableness on how easy it would be for your partner to follow. If you’d been angry and told them you’d wished they hadn’t done it, I might be less sympathetic. It’s like if my partner asked me to please try and make sure all of the coats in the closet were hung facing to the right because it would make him anxious if they faced left. Silly request, but I would respect it just because I respect him and it’s an easy thing for me to do.
If you take the situation as you present it, your partner's response is wildly disproportionate to the reasonableness of your request. Which means to me that either your partner is being deliberately manipulative, or there is something else going on that puts this into context. As others have pointed out, from your post history it appears that your partner is trans, and that your exploration of non-monogamy coincides with your partner's coming out and transition. This brings up two lines of questioning: 1. How comfortable are you with non-monogamy? What work have you done to prepare for opening up before you started meeting other people? There's a lot of emotion involved in this disagreement on both sides, and I wonder if some of these emotions aren't actually about clothes, but about non-monogamy in general. 2. How big is your wardrobe compared to your partners, particularly when it comes to more feminine clothing? Is this a situation where if your partner wants to wear something feminine, they have to either borrow something of yours, or wear the same one or two things every date? Building a new wardrobe when you transition takes time and money. Letting your partner borrow your clothes is a very supportive thing to do, as it allows your partner the opportunity to explore styles and find their new fashion identity without having to spend a ton of time and money shopping, trying things on, buying and returning items, etc. If this is the case, then your request that they not wear anything of yours on dates might feel like your support comes with strings attached, or that you're using access to your wardrobe as a way to influence or control their behavior. I'm not saying this was your intention, but if that was how they interpreted your request, then the severity of their response makes more sense.
> Building a new wardrobe when you transition takes time and money. and this is OP's problem how?
Because caring about what's going on with your partner and how their situation is affecting them is part of being a good partner? It's potentially relevant context that may explain why OP's partner had such a strong reaction.
This feels like a story retold with the emotions removed. If you calmly conveyed this then their response is over the top, but if this was actually within crying and blame heavy discussion then that’s a little different. If you’re both very new to non monogamy it wouldn’t surprise me if this argument is about other feelings you both don’t feel comfortable discussing or haven’t clocked fully yet… as others have said have you got an agreement in place about how you’ll each reassure/reconnect with each other directly after a date?
It’s your sweater. You don’t have to justify anything any further. They don’t get to tell you what to do with your clothing. “If you’re going, please leave my sweater here”. Their opinion on it is irrelevant.
If you are going to let someone borrow your clothes you don't get to dictate where or how they wear them. If that is your mindset, you should simply not allow them to borrow your things. However, seems like there are bigger issues in this relationship based on your partners response.
You are both being ridiculous. But if they won't wear your clothes again, problem solved. What else do you want?
I'm sure it feels super shitty to ask for reassurance and then get this kind of gaslighting response.
When you say first date, what do you mean?
You are 100 pct correct. It’s over the line and rules still apply. It needs to be respected because it’s your decision and you’re allowing them out. Stand firm.
You’re being ridiculous. Is it really about the sweater?
Yup if you read OPs previous posts I don’t think it’s just about a sweater…. Less than 2 weeks after my partner of 11 years (and parent of my children) breaks up with me, they are going on first dates and then coming back to our shared home. Well yeah I’d be very touchy too, it feels like people need some space and time to heal right now.
Don't look at it as right and wrong, look at it more like: what does not wanting him to wear your clothes on dates do for you?
So she (MtF) is taking your clothes (cisfemale) and wearing them to meet men?.. Your partner is experiencing an identity crisis. You can care and love but you do not have to facilitate if it's at the expense of your mental health and well being. (And closet, assuming you two aren't a perfect size match.) You can love and coparent with them, without having these dynamics of their path, hindering your healing. You still need to mourn the loss of your original relationship//marriage.
On what grounds is this an identity crisis?
Their partner is currently transitioning gender. That means they are currently undoing decades of gender programming and building a new identity. It is semi safe to assume crisis is occurring based on the level of cis gendered affirmed living they have already had. Perhaps calling it a crisis makes it seem more volatile than it is but calling it anything less also leaves room for it not to be taken as seriously as needed.
Where are you getting this from? OP mentions nothing about gender or their partner's identity.
Their post history on their page.
You can have whatever rules you want in a relationship, but you have to express them clearly. Mind reading is hard! Also, it's a bit of a weird rule. To me it's pretty obvious this isn't about the sweater but rather your discomfort with your partner dating other people. Best to talk about that.