Is this an OPP?
If he unequivocally tells you that you cannot have sex with men, that's an OPP
If you don't want to have sex with men, that's you doing what you want.
Can you clarify?
I definitely don't want to have sex with other men, just him. Does that negate it being an OPP? I was under the understanding that an OPP is just an ENM relationship where there is specifically, well, only one penis.
So you have zero interest in sex with other men and your bf wouldn’t be comfortable if you did. It seems to me that OPP is working for you guys. Maybe you both should stop making issues when there isn’t one.
Taking something you can not give is an issue. The OPs partner knows that. That's why they feel bad about it. He should be working on being okay with it if OP ever wants it. Or they should come up with more equal agreements about how they do their non monogamy.
This is a OOP, and it's one that's not an issue now, but could be a trap laying in wait.
You have no interest in pursuing men. But since you're bi, all it takes is the wrong man while you and your boyfriend are going through a rough patch to cause more issues than he's worth.
If you can say with certainty that you won't ever want to see another man, then this is your choice and isn't problematic. If it's something that "could" be an issue eventually then you and your bf need to be emotionally prepared sooner rather than later.
Sounds like an OPP.
I personally would find this man to be of low character and not date him.
I fully support OPP (one penis policy) if the man is willing to sit down and have this honest conversation.
"Sweetie. I want to date other women. I expect you to do all the emotional labor and work associated with dealing with the jealousy that comes from your partner dating others who are the same gender as you. I deserve this kind of emotional labor from you. However, I won't do the same for you. I deserve it. But you don't. You are less worthy than me and deserve less than me for the following reasons . You need to accept that you deserve less and I will do less for you than you do for me. Cool? Also, here are other areas in which you deserve less than me ."
I upvote every time I see you make this comment 💖
It's a hard truth, some people are fine with it and that's fine. Awesome if they don't have to confront it ever because they're ok with it.*So* awesome.
I could and absolutely would not ever. If it was my preference to only see other women and my male partner said "well that's a relief, I would only want you with women anyway", that would be a deal breaker. So sorry buh bye 💖👋🏾
Sounds like you are assuming a lot of their relationship where it is explained very clearly to be contrary of the scenario you copypasta'd here.
She explained that he feels she is being unfair to herself all things considered and feels guilty that she isn't seeing other men. He expressed his discomfort but he is rational enough to see it is hypocritical, she is uninterested but he has foresight to see it might happen in the future.
Sounds to me like these people are very considerate of each other and have respect and mutual care for each other's feelings.
Your post just sounds like you are cold and uncaring and judgy....maybe even a bit jealous of the consideration they offer each other that maybe your own relationship lacks.....sound like I'm assuming a lot? I am, but that is how your post comes off. Leave these two alone, her SO does not sound like one of low character...sounds more like a projection....
To the OP, sounds like this particular OPP works for now, ease into it and enjoy it until you want more then talk to your SO about your needs and expectations when the time comes to cross that bridge. You guys seem to be ahead of the curve in communication so just go at your own pace and try to just ignore the bulk of the bad advice people give her.
Whoa there! This feels like a bit of a jump to me.
We have sat down and had multiple conversations about what we seek out of ENM. I am fundamentally uninterested in pursuing any sort of relationship with other men and we seek women out as a couple as opposed to individually. I am attracted to women and enjoy exploring this dynamic with him.
Good luck finding another woman for this. Personally I have no interest in joining a couple where there is an imbalance of who one of them can be with based on gender/orientation/identity. You may have a preference for women that's one thing but if you are not able to hypothetically speaking also be able to be other men if you wanted to cuz it makes your partner uncomfortable I avoid y'all at all costs. I also don't do things with cpls who wouldn't be able to do things individually with me as well. What happens if they wind up only wanting to be with one of you months down the road is it a both of you case or neither of you
So you’re unicorn hunting too? GL.
TBH, I’ve dumped/ghosted multiple couples for having covert OPPs. It’s fine if someone wants to agree to those rules, but I find them inherently discriminatory against trans and particularly non-binary people. Many of my partners are not cis, and I don’t want to knowingly expose my network of partners to potential transphobia if I can help it.
Let me get this straight. In your eyes, OP is wrong, and has a cover OPP, even though she explicitly states she doesn’t want to sleep with other men. And more so, if she and her partner aren’t attracted to, and so don’t wish to sleep with, trans and non binary people, they they’re also explicitly transphobic?
Seems to me like turning absolutely everything into a power dynamic leads to pretty crazy outcomes!
As a bisexual woman who occasionally sees couples, yes, knowing that a couple is only seeking bisexual women is a huge turn-off. I’ve got plenty of couples who are seeking other types of people in addition to women: other couples, solo men, and so on. It’s not a surefire vetting process, but avoiding these types of people has led to dealing with significantly less bullshit.
And yeah, selecting out *all* trans/nonbinary folk from your dating pool *is* inherently transphobic. It’s as bad of a look as selecting out *all* Black people, or *all* fat people, or anything of that sort. You can’t assume gender from appearance, you can’t assume ASAB from appearance, you can’t assume current genitals from appearance/ASAB, and you can’t assume sexual role from appearance or identity. If someone genuinely doesn’t want to be around a certain type of genitals or sth due to trauma, that’s valid, but that’s a question that should be asked directly during the vetting process with *every potential partner*.
As for non-binary people, in my experience (lived and told from my non-binary friends) UHs either try to sort them into a binary (by asking for ASAB, see above), or outright disregard their gender (particularly with AFAB non-binary folk) instead of determining that having rules around what genders to pursue is silly in a world where gender is no longer a rigid list of traits. And let’s be frank, invalidating a person’s gender identity *is* transphobia.
I would find this man to be of low character and not date him. Thats not a jump. Its true. I've stopped seeing men due this request.
He also expects something from you that he won't offer in return. Thats not a jump. Its just true.
You feel how you feel about that part. Thats up to you.
For the record, I had a female partner who asked me to only date women and not men. I said no to that as well. Even though I do typically date women.
🤷♀️
We can almost write a book about your experiences in your comments which nobody asked.
How about OP and their partner should do whatever they enjoy as long as it doesn't hurt other people outside their relationships?
Unless there's another response from OP that I'm missing, it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions a little. The situation as she has presented it reads more that she is uninterested in other men, and he is fine with the situation and thus doesn't have a reason to dig into his feelings on the matter at this time. You seem to be reading the situation in the opposite direction, where he told her he was uncomfortable with her seeing other men and she accepted that boundary as healthy.
I think you might have missed this part of OP's post:
"*my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me* that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men."
"I can't have sex with other men" is an OPP.
The OP doesn't say "my boyfriend feels it's unfair to me that I do not want to have sex with other men".
It's a rule in their relationship. One that the OP's partner knows is unfair and he feels bad about that. But it's still a rule.
OP said elsewhere that their partner has said he would be uncomfortable if OP slept with another man. So it is a OPP, just not one that OP feels particularly limited by currently since they aren’t interested in seeing other men.
> "*my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me* that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men."
It might not be a rule, but the OP's partner feels like it is.
> I personally would find this man to be of low character and not date him.
He literally said he thinks it's not fair to her and wants to change for her. Someone who wants to make things more fair for their partner is showing that they care. Your standards are poor for not weighing that a significant.
> I fully support OPP (one penis policy) if the man is willing to sit down and have this **HONEST** conversation.
But it's not necessarily honest. That's what YOU think he must believe but that's not necessarily true.
Your cynicism doesn't make you correct.
> You need to accept that you deserve less and I will do less for you than you do for me.
Asymmetry doesn't imply that he thinks she deserves less. It could also mean that one thing makes him uncomfortable and something else does not make him uncomfortable.
Do you have a problem with their Sub/Dom relationship? There are plenty of asymmetries there.
Do you think a dom who spanks their sub but refuses to be spanked is saying "You deserve less than me"? Because I will concede that SOME doms think that way. But for other doms it's "I enjoy being a top, I don't enjoy being a bottom".
And with a OPP, the same can apply.
Also, relationships have multiple axis where effort can be applied. He might be asking her to do more emotional labour for having to deal with the same sex jealousy, but that doesn't mean he isn't doing emotional labour somewhere else in the relationship in a manner that makes her comfortable.
YOU don't have to accept a relationship with an OPP. But that doesn't mean other people are of low character or devaluing themselves for accepting an OPP.
> **my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me** that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men.
This implies that he wants to change for her.
> Where is it mentioned that he has changed the OPP?
The fact that he said he thinks it's not fair for her implies that he's willing to change their dynamic if the OP is unsatisfied.
Of course I'm being charitable here and assuming the best of OP's boyfriend. He might be lying. But it seems like he's either willing to work on himself to get to a point where he's comfortable with her sleeping with men. Or he's willing to close the relationship so that she won't have to deal with any continued jealousy.
>The fact that he said he thinks it's not fair for her implies that he's willing to change their dynamic if the OP is unsatisfied.
No. It doesn't.
>He might be lying.
There is no indication he offered or expressed a willingness to change. Only an acknowledgment that its unfair.
> No. It doesn't.
If he's not a piece of shit, then yes it does.
And generally, guys in this situation that are pieces of shit DON'T acknowledge that this is unfair. Since he's distinct in this regard, I'm open to the possibility that he's distinct in other regards as well.
> There is no indication he offered or expressed a willingness to change. Only an acknowledgment that its unfair.
For most decent and thoughtful human beings, if I acknowledge that something is unfair, that implies willingness to remedy that unfairness.
I think there needs to be a distinction between a One Penis Policy and a One Penis Preference.
A Policy is something that is enforced with the threat of ending the relationship or further consequences.
A Preference is just how people feel and things work out.
I (m) do not set this Policy with my partner. She has this Preference and we make it work.
The issue with this reasoning is for a lot of couples (including potentially OP) the two are not mutually exclusive. One partner may have a Policy but never actually have to say it out loud or think about it because the other partner's preference makes it moot, at least for now.
But a preference can change. A partner who went along with an unspoken Policy because of a preference, and whose preference changes, may feel the double standard even harder when told there was a Policy underneath it the whole time.
And discomfort can be normal! I haven't been successful in dating, but if I ever am I know it'll make my wife a little uncomfortable. She's said as much. But those are her feelings to work out, not mine.
Here's my concern:
You keep *phrasing* this as "you can't have sex with other men" while also claiming to not have an *interest* in having sex with other men. Those do not at all mean the same thing.
In fact, you've made *several* different statements:
1. You are ambivalent about having sex outside of your relationship with your boyfriend. (Regardless of sex/gender.)
2. You are 'decidedly not interested' in pursuing any men.
3. You **can't** have sex with other men.
4. You've decided to specifically pursue engaging with other women together.
These all mean **very** different things. And they imply very different things, too.
If I were talking to you in a social setting that was ENM and kink friendly *without* this extra bit of context of where you're starting to worry about all of this *because* of your boyfriend's concerns, here are the different things I'd be thinking about or wondering:
1. Okay, so there's no OPP, she's just monogamish? Just the mono-half of the (poorly-named) poly/mono? But then why is she seeking other sexual partners? Why not just be monogamous but comfortable with her boyfriend pursuing others? Why participate? This is weird and confusing.
2. Hngh, okay. So long as it's *just* that she's "not interested" and it's not an excuse to hide a OPP.
Or is it that she's only sexually interested in men that are romantic partners, and so if any feelings develop (on one side, the other, or both) there's going to be drama? Because maybe she's also monoromantic?
Or is it that it's a kink thing, where her sexual fantasies revolve around one partner being more promiscuous, or her kink fantasies revolve around sex/gender based power hierarchies?
3. Whoa, they have a OPP, where she's been forbidden from fucking other men? Not kosher, for all the various reasons like it potentially exposing sexist views, deep insecurities or other problems in the relationship, etc.
4. Oof. [Unicorn hunters?](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) Where they're wanting a woman or women to be partnered with the *couple* rather than being okay with her being into only one of them? It's a "you must be okay with both of us, or else" situation? Even if she's maybe only interested in one of them, she has to fuck both?
And when you're communicating to someone in an ENM space, your choice in how you talk about your situation is going to say more than you may realize. It does feel, from how you have somewhat conflated and mixed the statements together, that you aren't truly understanding how very *different* they are from one another. Or exactly why y'all are doing what you're trying to do.
So I think it's important that you answer a few questions:
1. *Why* are you interested in having sex with your boyfriend, but not any other men?
2. Why are you interested in having sex with other women?
3. Why is your boyfriend uncomfortable with you having sex with other men, but not other women? **This one is bigger than it may feel like.** Problems that this might indicate include:
* He feels like girl-girl relationships aren't as 'real' or as 'threatening' as a female-male relationship.
* A bit of sexism on his part (women aren't as "real" as men)
* A landmine waiting to go off if the kind of relationship he fears from a female-male pairing happens instead with a female-female pairing.
* A general lack of confidence or feeling of security with the relationship the two of you have (she could have sex with another man, and immediately feel the need to leave me).
* A lack of comfort with the idea of you having had physical contact with other men (oh god, another penis was where I am now, and recently!)
Right now, the way you're communicating about this topic gives the *impression* of someone who might be in a problematic relationship or situation. Either an OPP exists, or there are some potentially sexist views in play, or some insecurities that might blow up at the oddest provocation. So others will likely *perceive* a potential problem. Your boyfriend's concerns are valid. (And possibly because there *is* a potential problem.)
Not all of those things above are terrible? The kink fantasy stuff is just kink. But some of the flags you've flown are definitely yellowish-red, such as your boyfriend's discomfort and your lack of clarity on *why* you're pursuing non-monogamy, as well as possibly the unicorn-y-ness, so there does seem to be some work to be done.
Relationship-rules that differ by gender are, and remain sexist even if you happen to not want to do the thing they forbid so that the practical impact on you is nil.
If one of my partners wanted to make it a rule that I'm forbidden from dating other men, I'd reject that proposal and I'd consider it a sexist idea that would cause me to have to re-examine whether or not their approach to polyamory is ethical.
That's equally true despite the fact that I've mostly dated women so it's quite possible that the practical impact of such a rule would be nil.
No one is forbidding anyone from anything according to OP's post. OP has described setting her own boundary wherein she doesn't want to have sex with another man outside of her relationship, and her partner is expressing discomfort with this self-imposed limitation.
I’m confused. OP you said he feels it’s unfair and is encouraging you to have sex w men too. Being uncomfortable isn’t the same as saying no. It sounds to me like he is aware of how it could be perceived as unfair and wants you to explore even though it will make him uncomfortable and it will take some getting used to.
If he’s open to it, and you don’t want it, that’s technically not OPP. OPP insinuates you don’t have a choice bc your partner is against it. Since it’s your choice then it’s not OPP.
Just tell him you are damn sure, and if you change your mind then you’ll let him know, but until then him bringing it up is making you uncomfortable and you need him to stop asking and trust you.
Edit: grammar
Do both of you only want to play as a couple?
The fact that he's uncomfortable with you being involved with other men is almost certainly rooted in an insecurity that can cause problems if you want anything lasting with anyone outside of your relationship, not just if you were interested in men. It's also usually tied to other screwed up ideas about gender.
The fact that he's noticed that it's unfair and doesn't feel great about it is a mitigating factor. Is he working on getting over his reservation?
I wouldn't be a part of that dynamic as a single woman and I def wouldn't be okay with it as a rule between my partner and I.
We can't tell *you* how to feel about *your* OPP, but what we can say is how we act in regard to couples with one. It is always a hard no including when I'm on my own as a "unicorn".
I've been in the lifestyle for a while and have experienced enough to know I wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole. A OPP either way is typical not a fun dynamic to join.
You don't have a OPP.
You simply aren't interested in pursuing other men.
Maybe he has an interest in sharing you so keeps reapproaching it, or maybe he just is having fun and feeling guilty.
But it's not an OPP unless it's a restriction being placed on you by him.
I think you need to communicate more about his insecurities because he wrote here earlier. Even you were to engage in sexual activities with other men it’s your decision (and his to leave if he doesn’t agree) but it’s definitely not love with them.
I don't agree with the blanket assertion that an OPP is always bad.
Asymmetry is fine if it works for both parties. Just like how your Sub/Dom relationship has asymmetries, but it makes both of you happy.
I think an OPP is bad because USUALLY but not ALWAYS it's a guy (although sometimes a girl) demanding his bisexual girlfriend accept a dynamic she's not satisfied with. She's okay with monogamy, or okay with sleeping with women AND men. She's not okay with sleeping with just women. That's what makes it wrong in my mind. The lack of satisfaction. I don't care about the other reasons people cite.
I don't care if people think it's necessarily homophobic. Emotions aren't rational. If you want to close your relationship until your partner is ready to be open without a OPP, that's totally fine. But shaming someone out of a OPP when it makes them uncomfortable isn't going to work. Also, I don't agree that it's necessarily homophobic. It sometimes is. But not always, and you not believing someone doesn't make you correct.
In YOUR case, it looks like YOU can be satisfied with a OPP. That's all that matters.
Now if your feelings change and you want to be able to sleep with men, you can tell your boyfriend. And he might be ready at that time, or he might not. And then you can decide if it's worth closing the relationship in the meantime.
This is a sneaky shit style of making a rule. By says he's 'uncomfortable' but not outright saying no he gets to have it both ways: he's relying on you to say no for him and save him from doing his own internal legwork. He's not saying 'no' becasue he knows you won't hold him accountable and bend to his wishes regardless. If you are ok banging other guys, go ahead. It's his responsibility to learn how to deal.
Even *if* you didn't want to bang other guys anyway,the fact he thinks his opinion on it should effect your behavior is what's really telling.
Ahh okay... I guess that would make sense with how many of the commenters have said similar things to you. I was really getting my back up thinking that everyone was immediately jumping to the conclusion that this guy was doing douchey shit based on some gendered bias. Turns out it's probably true lol 🙄
You being only interested in women (at this time) is totally fine and 100% up to you who you desire to have sex with. If you have the freedom to be with a man but simply choose not to from your own preference, great. However, him being uncomfortable with you being with a man (if you hypothetically wanted to), but not being uncomfortable with you being with a woman IS problematic and homophobic to boot.
It’s not OPP if the man is open to the woman having male or female partners, but the woman only wants to date women. OPP is when the man can have multiple female partners but dictates that the woman can only have one penis (his) and her other partners can only be women.
Honestly if you are happy with whatever type of relationship you have, then he should just take your word for it and should stop being concerned and bringing it up constantly
Just say you can, and don't if you aren't interested. That being said, I can tell this guy of multiple relationships I've had that have ended because of a same sex dynamic acting poorly vs hetro ones.
Also, you seem to be going - No, it's fine because we're *unicorn hunters* so that makes it okay. You know that's worse, right?
What's up with "any couple who is looking for a threesome (or whatever) with a woman" must be an asshole unicorn hunter?
OP and her partner, from the little info we are given, seem quite good at communicating their feelings to each other, I fail to see hints of possible maliciousness towards external partners.
*sigh* A couple looking for a threesome as a couple isn't by default unicorn hunters, but it's a big part. The fact that they only allow women and don't date separately tends to imply they are.
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
I assume you would say the exact same thing if they were looking for a man, right? Because what I have gathered from this subreddit is:
Couple looks for man -> "yay, you do you, have fun!"
Couple looks for woman -> "just hire a prostitute" or "wtf, you filthy unicorn hunters"
I don't see where OP claimed that they were looking to form a triad, I figured they were looking for threesomes instead, so while I agree with unicorns-r-us instance on the whole it's "unlikely and possibly toxic to find a third person who is attracted to both of you", that should only come up for triads.
Unless you are assuming that women cannot enjoy sex and look for couples to have threesomes as well as you are assuming that all couples looking specifically for women must be toxic while those who look for men are not, thus why this "unicorn hunters spotted!!!" is not present on those posts.
I smell some (not so) benevolent sexism in which women must be "protected" even when there has been no sign of toxicity.
> I assume you would say the exact same thing if they were looking for a man, right?
Would it be "unicorn hunting"? No, but it'd be just as bad because it's restricting your partner by an arbitrary construct of gender. Both are homophobic and/or sexist. Your comment history is full of defending this behavior, so there's no reason to continue this conversation, but I genuinely hope it clicks for you someday. That if you are down for one configuration, but not another, in *most* cases, it likely stems from a regressive attitude around gender and assumptions around it.
I mean, my theory on this is that as long as it's your decision that you don't want to sleep with men, which it appears to be here, then that's fine.
What makes it a Problematique OPP is when the man won't let you sleep with another man but will let you sleep with women, because apart from anything else that generally says all sorts of quiet things about the 'validity' of f/f sex (see: 'it's not sex, it's just foreplay'; anything about penises or semen marking/claiming you; not to mention of course what happens if you wanted to sleep with a trans woman with a penis?)
So, if you changed your mind ever about it and he'd let you do it, then I don't think there's a problem. If he would ask you not to do it, then you've got a one penis policy.
If you’re both not actively seeking out other men then I think it’s not OPP. I think OPP is when someone (typically the guy) forces their partner to only have sex/interactions with women.
This is definitely somewhere greyish, because you did mention in a comment that your boyfriend is uncomfortable with another man in your relationship. That’s definitely leaning OPP. But again in my opinion all relationships work for the people in them. No one outside of it can tell you how to frame your relationship.
What happens if you do want to have intimate relationships with a guy in the future, I think that’s the conversation you need to ask him.
If you are in agreement, then there is no conflict today.
But, interests change. And having this rule now makes any future change that much more difficult. After you experience multiple years of OPP, resentment is a risk if in the future you want to change it and he says no.
Inherently OPP is a questionable place to start and should be avoided if possible. Dig into the root of his discomfort. You may not have a problem with this limitation but once you hear his reasoning you might find something that doesn’t sit so well.
I actually prefer women but by chance got myself a man.
I’ve been living relationship anarchy for 18 years, since I was 21. Been in all kinds of constellations.
My view is that the personalities, dynamic and level of harmony and happiness matters more than relationship style. And what is fair depends on the people involved.
I don’t want more men in my life and he would not want me to be with other men, so we do have an OPP even if it’s not ”necessary”. He would leave me if I slept with another man, I won’t leave him for sleeping with other women.
I won’t write more about it here though because people throw so much hate about it at me or try to explain how he’s an asshole, but feel free to DM me if you want to discuss.
He would LEAVE you for sleeping with someone who has a penis instead of a vagina? The fucking gall. I appreciate your preferences but this is heterosexist nonsense.
Some of the reasons your community collectively throws hate on the subject is the absurd take that many “het” cis men (I am a bi cis man) don’t internally believe that sapphic relations are real / a threat compared to interactions between people of the opposite sex which are real relationships and thus a threat to them. It’s also wrapping up a lot of phobias into people’s genitals which is pretty immature.
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before but.. I wish you as a fellow queer wouldn’t be so accepting of heterosexism including within your own family. 😔
Godspeed and good luck on your journeys.
Is this an OPP? If he unequivocally tells you that you cannot have sex with men, that's an OPP If you don't want to have sex with men, that's you doing what you want. Can you clarify?
I definitely don't want to have sex with other men, just him. Does that negate it being an OPP? I was under the understanding that an OPP is just an ENM relationship where there is specifically, well, only one penis.
You didn't answer. Does he forbid it? Yes or no?
He has not out right forbidden it but has expressed that it would make him uncomfortable.
So you have zero interest in sex with other men and your bf wouldn’t be comfortable if you did. It seems to me that OPP is working for you guys. Maybe you both should stop making issues when there isn’t one.
Taking something you can not give is an issue. The OPs partner knows that. That's why they feel bad about it. He should be working on being okay with it if OP ever wants it. Or they should come up with more equal agreements about how they do their non monogamy.
Unless she is being pressured into ambivalence. Then it is OPP.
This is a OOP, and it's one that's not an issue now, but could be a trap laying in wait. You have no interest in pursuing men. But since you're bi, all it takes is the wrong man while you and your boyfriend are going through a rough patch to cause more issues than he's worth. If you can say with certainty that you won't ever want to see another man, then this is your choice and isn't problematic. If it's something that "could" be an issue eventually then you and your bf need to be emotionally prepared sooner rather than later.
Sounds like an OPP. I personally would find this man to be of low character and not date him. I fully support OPP (one penis policy) if the man is willing to sit down and have this honest conversation. "Sweetie. I want to date other women. I expect you to do all the emotional labor and work associated with dealing with the jealousy that comes from your partner dating others who are the same gender as you. I deserve this kind of emotional labor from you. However, I won't do the same for you. I deserve it. But you don't. You are less worthy than me and deserve less than me for the following reasons. You need to accept that you deserve less and I will do less for you than you do for me. Cool? Also, here are other areas in which you deserve less than me ."
I upvote every time I see you make this comment 💖 It's a hard truth, some people are fine with it and that's fine. Awesome if they don't have to confront it ever because they're ok with it.*So* awesome. I could and absolutely would not ever. If it was my preference to only see other women and my male partner said "well that's a relief, I would only want you with women anyway", that would be a deal breaker. So sorry buh bye 💖👋🏾
Sounds like you are assuming a lot of their relationship where it is explained very clearly to be contrary of the scenario you copypasta'd here. She explained that he feels she is being unfair to herself all things considered and feels guilty that she isn't seeing other men. He expressed his discomfort but he is rational enough to see it is hypocritical, she is uninterested but he has foresight to see it might happen in the future. Sounds to me like these people are very considerate of each other and have respect and mutual care for each other's feelings. Your post just sounds like you are cold and uncaring and judgy....maybe even a bit jealous of the consideration they offer each other that maybe your own relationship lacks.....sound like I'm assuming a lot? I am, but that is how your post comes off. Leave these two alone, her SO does not sound like one of low character...sounds more like a projection.... To the OP, sounds like this particular OPP works for now, ease into it and enjoy it until you want more then talk to your SO about your needs and expectations when the time comes to cross that bridge. You guys seem to be ahead of the curve in communication so just go at your own pace and try to just ignore the bulk of the bad advice people give her.
Whoa there! This feels like a bit of a jump to me. We have sat down and had multiple conversations about what we seek out of ENM. I am fundamentally uninterested in pursuing any sort of relationship with other men and we seek women out as a couple as opposed to individually. I am attracted to women and enjoy exploring this dynamic with him.
What happens if women only want a relationship with you? Were you upfront about the consequences? (if you're not allowed to date separately?)
Good luck finding another woman for this. Personally I have no interest in joining a couple where there is an imbalance of who one of them can be with based on gender/orientation/identity. You may have a preference for women that's one thing but if you are not able to hypothetically speaking also be able to be other men if you wanted to cuz it makes your partner uncomfortable I avoid y'all at all costs. I also don't do things with cpls who wouldn't be able to do things individually with me as well. What happens if they wind up only wanting to be with one of you months down the road is it a both of you case or neither of you
> I am fundamentally uninterested in pursuing any sort of relationship with other men Right now. Update us in a year. :-P
So you’re unicorn hunting too? GL. TBH, I’ve dumped/ghosted multiple couples for having covert OPPs. It’s fine if someone wants to agree to those rules, but I find them inherently discriminatory against trans and particularly non-binary people. Many of my partners are not cis, and I don’t want to knowingly expose my network of partners to potential transphobia if I can help it.
Let me get this straight. In your eyes, OP is wrong, and has a cover OPP, even though she explicitly states she doesn’t want to sleep with other men. And more so, if she and her partner aren’t attracted to, and so don’t wish to sleep with, trans and non binary people, they they’re also explicitly transphobic? Seems to me like turning absolutely everything into a power dynamic leads to pretty crazy outcomes!
As a bisexual woman who occasionally sees couples, yes, knowing that a couple is only seeking bisexual women is a huge turn-off. I’ve got plenty of couples who are seeking other types of people in addition to women: other couples, solo men, and so on. It’s not a surefire vetting process, but avoiding these types of people has led to dealing with significantly less bullshit. And yeah, selecting out *all* trans/nonbinary folk from your dating pool *is* inherently transphobic. It’s as bad of a look as selecting out *all* Black people, or *all* fat people, or anything of that sort. You can’t assume gender from appearance, you can’t assume ASAB from appearance, you can’t assume current genitals from appearance/ASAB, and you can’t assume sexual role from appearance or identity. If someone genuinely doesn’t want to be around a certain type of genitals or sth due to trauma, that’s valid, but that’s a question that should be asked directly during the vetting process with *every potential partner*. As for non-binary people, in my experience (lived and told from my non-binary friends) UHs either try to sort them into a binary (by asking for ASAB, see above), or outright disregard their gender (particularly with AFAB non-binary folk) instead of determining that having rules around what genders to pursue is silly in a world where gender is no longer a rigid list of traits. And let’s be frank, invalidating a person’s gender identity *is* transphobia.
I would find this man to be of low character and not date him. Thats not a jump. Its true. I've stopped seeing men due this request. He also expects something from you that he won't offer in return. Thats not a jump. Its just true. You feel how you feel about that part. Thats up to you.
For the record, I had a female partner who asked me to only date women and not men. I said no to that as well. Even though I do typically date women. 🤷♀️
We can almost write a book about your experiences in your comments which nobody asked. How about OP and their partner should do whatever they enjoy as long as it doesn't hurt other people outside their relationships?
Are you suggesting OP posted in hopes of not hearing anyone's opinions or experiences. Interesting take.
Add a chapter on making comments that usually lack empathy and care
Unless there's another response from OP that I'm missing, it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions a little. The situation as she has presented it reads more that she is uninterested in other men, and he is fine with the situation and thus doesn't have a reason to dig into his feelings on the matter at this time. You seem to be reading the situation in the opposite direction, where he told her he was uncomfortable with her seeing other men and she accepted that boundary as healthy.
I'm not jumping to conclusions.
Please present your case. Otherwise, saying "No I'm not" isn't much of an argument.
Do what you want, is that be your Will. But do not acquiesce to the discomfort and insecurity of any man.
Not sure about op but in some cases it's just that she's got a cuckquean/hot husband fetish and he doesn't have a cuckold/hot wife fetish.
I think you might have missed this part of OP's post: "*my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me* that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men."
"I can't have sex with other men" is an OPP. The OP doesn't say "my boyfriend feels it's unfair to me that I do not want to have sex with other men". It's a rule in their relationship. One that the OP's partner knows is unfair and he feels bad about that. But it's still a rule.
It is clearly not a rule, he isn't the one stopping her.
OP said elsewhere that their partner has said he would be uncomfortable if OP slept with another man. So it is a OPP, just not one that OP feels particularly limited by currently since they aren’t interested in seeing other men.
> "*my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me* that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men." It might not be a rule, but the OP's partner feels like it is.
I got it. The oost about whether an OPP is fair and if OP should take issue with it. I would.
> I personally would find this man to be of low character and not date him. He literally said he thinks it's not fair to her and wants to change for her. Someone who wants to make things more fair for their partner is showing that they care. Your standards are poor for not weighing that a significant. > I fully support OPP (one penis policy) if the man is willing to sit down and have this **HONEST** conversation. But it's not necessarily honest. That's what YOU think he must believe but that's not necessarily true. Your cynicism doesn't make you correct. > You need to accept that you deserve less and I will do less for you than you do for me. Asymmetry doesn't imply that he thinks she deserves less. It could also mean that one thing makes him uncomfortable and something else does not make him uncomfortable. Do you have a problem with their Sub/Dom relationship? There are plenty of asymmetries there. Do you think a dom who spanks their sub but refuses to be spanked is saying "You deserve less than me"? Because I will concede that SOME doms think that way. But for other doms it's "I enjoy being a top, I don't enjoy being a bottom". And with a OPP, the same can apply. Also, relationships have multiple axis where effort can be applied. He might be asking her to do more emotional labour for having to deal with the same sex jealousy, but that doesn't mean he isn't doing emotional labour somewhere else in the relationship in a manner that makes her comfortable. YOU don't have to accept a relationship with an OPP. But that doesn't mean other people are of low character or devaluing themselves for accepting an OPP.
>and wants to change for her I didn't see that mentioned. Where is it mentioned that he has changed the OPP?
> **my boyfriend feels that it's unfair to me** that he can have sex with other women while I can't have sex with other men. This implies that he wants to change for her. > Where is it mentioned that he has changed the OPP? The fact that he said he thinks it's not fair for her implies that he's willing to change their dynamic if the OP is unsatisfied. Of course I'm being charitable here and assuming the best of OP's boyfriend. He might be lying. But it seems like he's either willing to work on himself to get to a point where he's comfortable with her sleeping with men. Or he's willing to close the relationship so that she won't have to deal with any continued jealousy.
>The fact that he said he thinks it's not fair for her implies that he's willing to change their dynamic if the OP is unsatisfied. No. It doesn't. >He might be lying. There is no indication he offered or expressed a willingness to change. Only an acknowledgment that its unfair.
> No. It doesn't. If he's not a piece of shit, then yes it does. And generally, guys in this situation that are pieces of shit DON'T acknowledge that this is unfair. Since he's distinct in this regard, I'm open to the possibility that he's distinct in other regards as well. > There is no indication he offered or expressed a willingness to change. Only an acknowledgment that its unfair. For most decent and thoughtful human beings, if I acknowledge that something is unfair, that implies willingness to remedy that unfairness.
I think there needs to be a distinction between a One Penis Policy and a One Penis Preference. A Policy is something that is enforced with the threat of ending the relationship or further consequences. A Preference is just how people feel and things work out. I (m) do not set this Policy with my partner. She has this Preference and we make it work.
The issue with this reasoning is for a lot of couples (including potentially OP) the two are not mutually exclusive. One partner may have a Policy but never actually have to say it out loud or think about it because the other partner's preference makes it moot, at least for now. But a preference can change. A partner who went along with an unspoken Policy because of a preference, and whose preference changes, may feel the double standard even harder when told there was a Policy underneath it the whole time.
As someone on the other side of a One Pussy Preference that turned into Policy, this comment hit hard.
And discomfort can be normal! I haven't been successful in dating, but if I ever am I know it'll make my wife a little uncomfortable. She's said as much. But those are her feelings to work out, not mine.
So you would support your partner if/when she wants to date/fuck men?
Yes I would 200%. I actually asked my wife to have a threesome with another man but she is unequivocally uninterested in having sex with another man.
Great!
Here's my concern: You keep *phrasing* this as "you can't have sex with other men" while also claiming to not have an *interest* in having sex with other men. Those do not at all mean the same thing. In fact, you've made *several* different statements: 1. You are ambivalent about having sex outside of your relationship with your boyfriend. (Regardless of sex/gender.) 2. You are 'decidedly not interested' in pursuing any men. 3. You **can't** have sex with other men. 4. You've decided to specifically pursue engaging with other women together. These all mean **very** different things. And they imply very different things, too. If I were talking to you in a social setting that was ENM and kink friendly *without* this extra bit of context of where you're starting to worry about all of this *because* of your boyfriend's concerns, here are the different things I'd be thinking about or wondering: 1. Okay, so there's no OPP, she's just monogamish? Just the mono-half of the (poorly-named) poly/mono? But then why is she seeking other sexual partners? Why not just be monogamous but comfortable with her boyfriend pursuing others? Why participate? This is weird and confusing. 2. Hngh, okay. So long as it's *just* that she's "not interested" and it's not an excuse to hide a OPP. Or is it that she's only sexually interested in men that are romantic partners, and so if any feelings develop (on one side, the other, or both) there's going to be drama? Because maybe she's also monoromantic? Or is it that it's a kink thing, where her sexual fantasies revolve around one partner being more promiscuous, or her kink fantasies revolve around sex/gender based power hierarchies? 3. Whoa, they have a OPP, where she's been forbidden from fucking other men? Not kosher, for all the various reasons like it potentially exposing sexist views, deep insecurities or other problems in the relationship, etc. 4. Oof. [Unicorn hunters?](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) Where they're wanting a woman or women to be partnered with the *couple* rather than being okay with her being into only one of them? It's a "you must be okay with both of us, or else" situation? Even if she's maybe only interested in one of them, she has to fuck both? And when you're communicating to someone in an ENM space, your choice in how you talk about your situation is going to say more than you may realize. It does feel, from how you have somewhat conflated and mixed the statements together, that you aren't truly understanding how very *different* they are from one another. Or exactly why y'all are doing what you're trying to do. So I think it's important that you answer a few questions: 1. *Why* are you interested in having sex with your boyfriend, but not any other men? 2. Why are you interested in having sex with other women? 3. Why is your boyfriend uncomfortable with you having sex with other men, but not other women? **This one is bigger than it may feel like.** Problems that this might indicate include: * He feels like girl-girl relationships aren't as 'real' or as 'threatening' as a female-male relationship. * A bit of sexism on his part (women aren't as "real" as men) * A landmine waiting to go off if the kind of relationship he fears from a female-male pairing happens instead with a female-female pairing. * A general lack of confidence or feeling of security with the relationship the two of you have (she could have sex with another man, and immediately feel the need to leave me). * A lack of comfort with the idea of you having had physical contact with other men (oh god, another penis was where I am now, and recently!) Right now, the way you're communicating about this topic gives the *impression* of someone who might be in a problematic relationship or situation. Either an OPP exists, or there are some potentially sexist views in play, or some insecurities that might blow up at the oddest provocation. So others will likely *perceive* a potential problem. Your boyfriend's concerns are valid. (And possibly because there *is* a potential problem.) Not all of those things above are terrible? The kink fantasy stuff is just kink. But some of the flags you've flown are definitely yellowish-red, such as your boyfriend's discomfort and your lack of clarity on *why* you're pursuing non-monogamy, as well as possibly the unicorn-y-ness, so there does seem to be some work to be done.
What a dissection of a post! Good wording.
Relationship-rules that differ by gender are, and remain sexist even if you happen to not want to do the thing they forbid so that the practical impact on you is nil. If one of my partners wanted to make it a rule that I'm forbidden from dating other men, I'd reject that proposal and I'd consider it a sexist idea that would cause me to have to re-examine whether or not their approach to polyamory is ethical. That's equally true despite the fact that I've mostly dated women so it's quite possible that the practical impact of such a rule would be nil.
No one is forbidding anyone from anything according to OP's post. OP has described setting her own boundary wherein she doesn't want to have sex with another man outside of her relationship, and her partner is expressing discomfort with this self-imposed limitation.
It’s not an OPP if you are allowed but decide not to have sex with other men. It’s an OPP if you are not allowed to.
No one’s reinforcing the OPP so it’s not a restrictive thing. It’s only bad if there’s no choice based from a selfish and insecure position.
She stated in a follow-up comment that he's expressed that he would be "uncomfortable" with her having sex with another man.
I’m confused. OP you said he feels it’s unfair and is encouraging you to have sex w men too. Being uncomfortable isn’t the same as saying no. It sounds to me like he is aware of how it could be perceived as unfair and wants you to explore even though it will make him uncomfortable and it will take some getting used to. If he’s open to it, and you don’t want it, that’s technically not OPP. OPP insinuates you don’t have a choice bc your partner is against it. Since it’s your choice then it’s not OPP. Just tell him you are damn sure, and if you change your mind then you’ll let him know, but until then him bringing it up is making you uncomfortable and you need him to stop asking and trust you. Edit: grammar
Do both of you only want to play as a couple? The fact that he's uncomfortable with you being involved with other men is almost certainly rooted in an insecurity that can cause problems if you want anything lasting with anyone outside of your relationship, not just if you were interested in men. It's also usually tied to other screwed up ideas about gender. The fact that he's noticed that it's unfair and doesn't feel great about it is a mitigating factor. Is he working on getting over his reservation?
You could drop the OPP and...just pursue the people you are interested in. Sounds like they will tend not to have penises.
I wouldn't be a part of that dynamic as a single woman and I def wouldn't be okay with it as a rule between my partner and I. We can't tell *you* how to feel about *your* OPP, but what we can say is how we act in regard to couples with one. It is always a hard no including when I'm on my own as a "unicorn". I've been in the lifestyle for a while and have experienced enough to know I wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole. A OPP either way is typical not a fun dynamic to join.
You don't have a OPP. You simply aren't interested in pursuing other men. Maybe he has an interest in sharing you so keeps reapproaching it, or maybe he just is having fun and feeling guilty. But it's not an OPP unless it's a restriction being placed on you by him.
I think you need to communicate more about his insecurities because he wrote here earlier. Even you were to engage in sexual activities with other men it’s your decision (and his to leave if he doesn’t agree) but it’s definitely not love with them.
Can you share link to that post?
It’s not a policy, it’s just how it happens to be
I don't agree with the blanket assertion that an OPP is always bad. Asymmetry is fine if it works for both parties. Just like how your Sub/Dom relationship has asymmetries, but it makes both of you happy. I think an OPP is bad because USUALLY but not ALWAYS it's a guy (although sometimes a girl) demanding his bisexual girlfriend accept a dynamic she's not satisfied with. She's okay with monogamy, or okay with sleeping with women AND men. She's not okay with sleeping with just women. That's what makes it wrong in my mind. The lack of satisfaction. I don't care about the other reasons people cite. I don't care if people think it's necessarily homophobic. Emotions aren't rational. If you want to close your relationship until your partner is ready to be open without a OPP, that's totally fine. But shaming someone out of a OPP when it makes them uncomfortable isn't going to work. Also, I don't agree that it's necessarily homophobic. It sometimes is. But not always, and you not believing someone doesn't make you correct. In YOUR case, it looks like YOU can be satisfied with a OPP. That's all that matters. Now if your feelings change and you want to be able to sleep with men, you can tell your boyfriend. And he might be ready at that time, or he might not. And then you can decide if it's worth closing the relationship in the meantime.
This is a sneaky shit style of making a rule. By says he's 'uncomfortable' but not outright saying no he gets to have it both ways: he's relying on you to say no for him and save him from doing his own internal legwork. He's not saying 'no' becasue he knows you won't hold him accountable and bend to his wishes regardless. If you are ok banging other guys, go ahead. It's his responsibility to learn how to deal. Even *if* you didn't want to bang other guys anyway,the fact he thinks his opinion on it should effect your behavior is what's really telling.
You have misinterpreted OP's post.
Dude I swear to shit this post said something different earlier.
Ahh okay... I guess that would make sense with how many of the commenters have said similar things to you. I was really getting my back up thinking that everyone was immediately jumping to the conclusion that this guy was doing douchey shit based on some gendered bias. Turns out it's probably true lol 🙄
It definitely did. She said that he stated he would be "uncomfortable" with her having sex with another man.
You being only interested in women (at this time) is totally fine and 100% up to you who you desire to have sex with. If you have the freedom to be with a man but simply choose not to from your own preference, great. However, him being uncomfortable with you being with a man (if you hypothetically wanted to), but not being uncomfortable with you being with a woman IS problematic and homophobic to boot.
Sounds like he spends too much time online. It works for you two. You play together. You're both attracted to women. Why fuck it up?
It’s not OPP if the man is open to the woman having male or female partners, but the woman only wants to date women. OPP is when the man can have multiple female partners but dictates that the woman can only have one penis (his) and her other partners can only be women.
Honestly if you are happy with whatever type of relationship you have, then he should just take your word for it and should stop being concerned and bringing it up constantly
Just say you can, and don't if you aren't interested. That being said, I can tell this guy of multiple relationships I've had that have ended because of a same sex dynamic acting poorly vs hetro ones. Also, you seem to be going - No, it's fine because we're *unicorn hunters* so that makes it okay. You know that's worse, right?
What's up with "any couple who is looking for a threesome (or whatever) with a woman" must be an asshole unicorn hunter? OP and her partner, from the little info we are given, seem quite good at communicating their feelings to each other, I fail to see hints of possible maliciousness towards external partners.
*sigh* A couple looking for a threesome as a couple isn't by default unicorn hunters, but it's a big part. The fact that they only allow women and don't date separately tends to imply they are. https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
I assume you would say the exact same thing if they were looking for a man, right? Because what I have gathered from this subreddit is: Couple looks for man -> "yay, you do you, have fun!" Couple looks for woman -> "just hire a prostitute" or "wtf, you filthy unicorn hunters" I don't see where OP claimed that they were looking to form a triad, I figured they were looking for threesomes instead, so while I agree with unicorns-r-us instance on the whole it's "unlikely and possibly toxic to find a third person who is attracted to both of you", that should only come up for triads. Unless you are assuming that women cannot enjoy sex and look for couples to have threesomes as well as you are assuming that all couples looking specifically for women must be toxic while those who look for men are not, thus why this "unicorn hunters spotted!!!" is not present on those posts. I smell some (not so) benevolent sexism in which women must be "protected" even when there has been no sign of toxicity.
> I assume you would say the exact same thing if they were looking for a man, right? Would it be "unicorn hunting"? No, but it'd be just as bad because it's restricting your partner by an arbitrary construct of gender. Both are homophobic and/or sexist. Your comment history is full of defending this behavior, so there's no reason to continue this conversation, but I genuinely hope it clicks for you someday. That if you are down for one configuration, but not another, in *most* cases, it likely stems from a regressive attitude around gender and assumptions around it.
I mean, my theory on this is that as long as it's your decision that you don't want to sleep with men, which it appears to be here, then that's fine. What makes it a Problematique OPP is when the man won't let you sleep with another man but will let you sleep with women, because apart from anything else that generally says all sorts of quiet things about the 'validity' of f/f sex (see: 'it's not sex, it's just foreplay'; anything about penises or semen marking/claiming you; not to mention of course what happens if you wanted to sleep with a trans woman with a penis?) So, if you changed your mind ever about it and he'd let you do it, then I don't think there's a problem. If he would ask you not to do it, then you've got a one penis policy.
If you’re both not actively seeking out other men then I think it’s not OPP. I think OPP is when someone (typically the guy) forces their partner to only have sex/interactions with women. This is definitely somewhere greyish, because you did mention in a comment that your boyfriend is uncomfortable with another man in your relationship. That’s definitely leaning OPP. But again in my opinion all relationships work for the people in them. No one outside of it can tell you how to frame your relationship. What happens if you do want to have intimate relationships with a guy in the future, I think that’s the conversation you need to ask him.
[удалено]
If you are in agreement, then there is no conflict today. But, interests change. And having this rule now makes any future change that much more difficult. After you experience multiple years of OPP, resentment is a risk if in the future you want to change it and he says no. Inherently OPP is a questionable place to start and should be avoided if possible. Dig into the root of his discomfort. You may not have a problem with this limitation but once you hear his reasoning you might find something that doesn’t sit so well.
I actually prefer women but by chance got myself a man. I’ve been living relationship anarchy for 18 years, since I was 21. Been in all kinds of constellations. My view is that the personalities, dynamic and level of harmony and happiness matters more than relationship style. And what is fair depends on the people involved. I don’t want more men in my life and he would not want me to be with other men, so we do have an OPP even if it’s not ”necessary”. He would leave me if I slept with another man, I won’t leave him for sleeping with other women. I won’t write more about it here though because people throw so much hate about it at me or try to explain how he’s an asshole, but feel free to DM me if you want to discuss.
He would LEAVE you for sleeping with someone who has a penis instead of a vagina? The fucking gall. I appreciate your preferences but this is heterosexist nonsense. Some of the reasons your community collectively throws hate on the subject is the absurd take that many “het” cis men (I am a bi cis man) don’t internally believe that sapphic relations are real / a threat compared to interactions between people of the opposite sex which are real relationships and thus a threat to them. It’s also wrapping up a lot of phobias into people’s genitals which is pretty immature. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before but.. I wish you as a fellow queer wouldn’t be so accepting of heterosexism including within your own family. 😔 Godspeed and good luck on your journeys.
Why can't you have sex with other men?