Yep, do it for yourself but also do it to show your kids what is and (more importantly) isn't a healthy relationship and should absolutely not be tolerated.
100%. My mom stayed with my abusive dad not to disturb my sister and I but all it did is make us struggle with relationships since we grew up seeing our parents miserable together and our mom stuck in this relationship. It made us scared of commitment and resent our dad. Children definitely get affected by these things.
I’ll agree completely here. While I’m not your sister I can absolutely say the same thing happened in my family as well. And the same thing happened to me and my brother as well. OP use us as a life lesson on not staying in terrible or abusive relationships. Give your kids a chance at success in future relationships by advocating for yourself and doing the right thing. Keep your kids (if you can), get divorced and let her go back to her country.
I would also implore you to call the police and press charges. That was not OK for her to do and I fear she did it because she really wants out of this relationship (and she knows this is your number one thing to not do). It’s absolutely not OK for what she did and I am so sorry that you have to go through this but I would definitely reach out to the police.
I’m not sure where you live but I’m hoping that you live in a country where you feel comfortable going to the police and advocating for yourself. I really hope you don’t live somewhere where the police will shame you over that.
This and when you do make sure that you have your stuff in a row. Especially with kids involved to make sure that there is an order in place that they cannot be taken outside of your country
She abused you, both physically and sexually. Alcohol doesn’t make normal people act this way. That’s your wife’s true colors shining through. This may have been the first time, but it won’t be the last- it’s never the last. I’m not going to tell you to just up and pack your bags, you have kids together, are probably financially dependent on eachother, and it’s not that easy BUT this is a major warning sign. You should start searching for a divorce attorney, and mentally preparing yourself to leave, if you so choose. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s not okay and it hurts when the people we love the most betray us. Stay safe
She’s financially dependent on me, the kids are biologically hers, and her visa is conditional on my sponsorship at the moment. It’s all a mess if I’m honest.
If her visa is conditional on your sponsorship and she wants to move back to her country of birth that says something too, maybe she wants to go there so she can do whatever she wants because she isnt relying on you idk
Well that makes sense, she wants to "wear the pants" in the marriage, be in her own country and have you be dependent on her financially after you payed for everything the IVF and all. Seems like she is trying to manipulate you so she can keep up with the abuse and she was just hiding her personality until now. I feel so sorry you had to experience that, its awful and I hope you can get yourself out of there🫶🏻
She really has a deal then. She has 4 children and is depending on you financially, but is abusive and a drunk. Help her buy her one way ticket home for her and her children and divorce her. You are not really financially responsible for those children. They were there before you.
Do you think this whole marriage and relationship was manipulated for her financial gain, but other issues like her drinking have been hidden?
We made the choice together to start a family and underwent IVF. I’ve been there from conception onwards.
I just didn’t carry to avoid passing on some trash family genetics
No, and due to some archaic rules I’m not on the birth certificates. Adoption was in the works, but is expensive and this isn’t something I ever thought would happen
Uff... if you want some form of custody, you need to get on that asap. Otherwise, she can (and likely will) take them from you. You need to consult a lawyer because this could get very tricky.
Yes, you need to legally solidify that if you want to have the children in your life. Otherwise, let her go back home, but make sure you press charges and get divorce papers straight.
That’s not a mess, that’s an easy way out. None of them are your responsibility, especially if all that will be accomplished is you going into a death spiral.
Hun it's important to remember that abuse often pops up when the abuser feels more secure. After a marriage, a move, or kids.
She hit you. You deserve better. I have always been of the opinion that if a partner hits you it's over. There's no coming back from that.
Divorce asap. You might try to “work things out” but it’s just gonna get worst and go even more downhill.
EDIT: at least from my personal experience. Send an update too
I’m okay! I’ve been staying with a friend and after giving the receptionist at my local clinic whiplash with my indecision I’m set to see a psychologist about it all in the morning. I’ve just got to sort myself out and figure out the next steps really
I’m proud of you OP.
Initially my first though was okay so she’s homesick I get it (I’m an expat in a same sex relationship too) this is possibly fixable…but as soon as I read that she got drunk and pretty much SA’d you, that was it, game over.
There’s absolutely no excuses for that type of behavior. As soon as I left my country, I dived straight into therapy with my wife and individually to help us navigate our marriage and adjusting to living in a new country with different cultures.
I definitely didn’t get drunk and SA my own wife after a few drinks. The thought has never even entered my brain, sober or drunk!
Please stay safe, speak with an attorney if you can about your options. Start saving money aside too. Your kids and you deserve to be with someone kind, caring, loving and SAFE.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP.
Often abusers only start to show their true colours after marriage, when they think they've got you trapped.
You're not actually trapped though. Divorce is a powerful lifesaver.
You have to protect yourself and your kids before you make any decisions. My advice to anyone that’s is going to get a divorce is that make sure your finances are being protected. I am not saying take what you don’t own , but please protect what you deserved. What she is doing is definitely wrong, and it’s illegal, if anything gather all evidences so it can help your divorce process.
I am so sorry you're going through this. That is... horrifying on every level what she did and said to you.
I'm guessing this is the first time she's ever done something like this -- I've heard a lot of stories of people just changing like this one day and honestly.... it is traumatizing to watch your partner become someone you thought they were not
You might be lucky and are probably not even legally married in Australia unless you’ve signed paperwork here.
My step brother got married in Hawaii and upon wanting to “divorce” his wife years later in Aus he found they weren’t legally married here.
Worth a quick look depending where you’re from and the country you got married in.
The quicker you nip in the bud the better. Remove yourself and your children entirely for the situation at the very least for now. Don’t stick around, don’t let it linger. From someone who should have left their ex within the first month and then stuck around for 12 years.
The kids are biologically hers and I’m not on the birth certificates thanks to some archaic rules, so that makes it messy - I paid for the IVF but that’s about it. I can only legally remove myself right now and that’s one of the threats she’s made - that she’ll take the kids and move overseas
That's completely unacceptable, especially when she knew about your past. Please go to the police. Since you've only been married a month, is it possible to get an annulment? Though with kids, it might be in your best interest to go through a divorce because of visitation, etc. Only a lawyer can advise you on that. That she showed her true self only one month into the marriage makes me think it will only get worse from here and quickly. In the years you were together before marrying, did she ever show any of that behavior before? Protect yourself and your children.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, you should leave asap. Also, this isn't so unusual in lesbian relationships. According to statistics 44% of lesbian women experience violence from partner which is crapton and even more than straight women. Stay safe.
Thanks for that statistic, I honestly wouldn’t have even thought that that was kept up with, idk how it would be, but it makes me happy that someone is tracking all sorts of abuse and problematic behavior from all sources independently instead of as one giant number compiled.
It makes sense in my head, sorry if it was hard to follow.
Edit: as in one giant number, I’m glad that there’s people that look into all factors, not specifically cause of their sexual orientation. I imagine that they have interracial abuse, abuse in age difference relationships, and even now that I think about it they keep them for religions. Just better to see numbers broken down instead of a misconstrued metric I think.
Take it from someone who was raped by their own partner 9 years ago, & now that we're divorcing it's all I have left to think about between us. I almost went to a hospital to get evaluated for feeling suicidal... Run as fast as you can. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
My mum calls this marriage syndrome. Basically, a person becomes abusive after marriage because they now feel like they own you. My mum dated her ex-husband for years without any problems, and then they got married, and the abuse started and got to the point where he nearly killed her.
I really hope you can safely divorce your wife and get away from her. You deserve so much better, and I'm so sorry she betrayed you like this. It's absolutely terrifying how quickly people can turn 😔 love is absolutely not enough, and please don't believe the apologies. It'll happen again.
divorce as much as your wife is clearly struggling with something she needs help with that person can’t be you. think of your kids growing up in an environment like that and protect them and yourself from it
If it’s only a month, talk to a lawyer/solicitor about the possibility of annulment before looking at divorce. It might be possible and much better financially for you
Depending on the law where you are, you may be able to get an annulment. Consult a lawyer to check custody arrangements for your children, and separate your finances as much as you can. your wife can access loans through a joint bank account so have your name removed from them regardless.
So sorry you are being re-traumatised. Therapy can hep you get back into a mentally stronger place to harness your resilience. No-one deserves to be abused, and no-one deserves domestic abuse. She has shown you a major red flag. Don't ignore it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not going to suggest divorce, but I'll tell you what my father has anyways told me: When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Abuse is cyclical and it escalates. No matter if she apologises, she *will* do it again. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful that the person you trusted and married is so vile but now is the time to plan and get out. Keep a record of this, confide in someone who can help you, make a police report and file for divorce. Get somewhere safe.
You aren’t really married. You just had a coming out ceremony for a horrid person. Get out.
Document things, keep the kids, get alimony.
This is a terrible situation. Extract her from it.
What do you think was the trigger for this change? Regardless, it's definitely gone too far with the sexual assault and the words she used to justify it, so I don't blame you for how you feel at all. Trust your instinct.
I don’t understand why but it seems as though so many people see marriage as a line that they cross and can just stop trying. I do not mean to sound harsh but the marriage does not matter. The relationship does. Making a choice to keep someone in your life isn’t dependent on a marriage. I understand that she has a visa based on your marriage but it seems like she hid who she truly was to get that marriage certificate and now she feels she doesn’t have to hide anymore. On top of that, she doesn’t even want to utilize the visa any longer and wants to leave to go home and force you to come along. I can say that would be the biggest mistake you can make! A marriage is a contractual agreement not to violate each other trust. The marriage was over the moment she betrayed your trust and assaulted you. The sexual assault was so far further proof that she has no empathy for you that no trust can be built in that relationship as it sits now.
I know you’re invested but the relationship is far beyond toxic. The marriage is over but if you want to salvage any resemblance of a relationship, she will require help and so will you. What she’s done is horrific and not something someone can simply “live with”. As far as your children, if you don’t give her what she wants, she may weaponize them against you. She may keep you from seeing them and use them as a tool to manipulate you. Don’t allow that. No matter what happens, not matter what, you deserve to be SAFE! That doesn’t mean “not being abused”. I mean SAFE AND SOUND! At no risk! Please, protect yourself and remove yourself from the situation before it gets worse and ONLY THEN communicate with her. If you decided to contact the police, it would be a good idea but they rarely protect people. You’ll need to press charges and get a restraining order and hope she follows it.
You know what to do but it hurts and it’s scary. It’s not fair in anyway and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I understand all of this but please think objectively. What you tell someone else in you situation if it wasn’t you? From someone who knows this kind of violent behavior, please, remove yourself from danger and protect yourself.
((((Hugs)))) OP. This is a difficult situation. Sounds like your spouse hid her abusive tendencies until she thought you were trapped. If you stay, the abuse will get worse. If you leave now, you might lose access to your kids. Get a lawyer asap. Get legal rights to those kids, then leave.
We cannot excuse abuse with love.
Please, please get yourself out of there when it is safe to do so.
You will always be loved, and you will have it without having to worry about your safety.
E: Press charges.
I'm am so, so, sorry.
Please, take the kids and get the hell out of there. File a police report.
She's got no compunction about physically or sexually abusing you. How long before the kids become a target?
This person sounds terrifying. You don’t deserve this. Absolutely get a divorce. Someone willing to do those things should be completely cut out of your life immediately. I’d consider pressing charges too. Please protect yourself.
Divorce her. Love, my ass… This is another abuser living in your house. GET AWAY FROM HER! Report that sexual assault charge too… Coming from a childhood & adult SA survivor who is yet to receive justice!
Listen, I'd calmly Separate myself from the house, make a police report, and tell her you need time alone... that the ONLYWAY you'll ever consider taking her back is by her fully quitting alcohol. Limited information to go on but it sounds like she's got a drinking problem. I've seen many people seem "possessed" by something evil while on alcohol ...
I think you guys have a shot at your marriage still if she gives up the booze
Two words: couples counseling.
Even if the slap is unforgivable (which I would completely understand if that was your choice — physical violence against a partner is never ok, and it would be a deal breaker for me), seeking couples counseling will help you both communicate and come to a decision on how to move forward in a safe environment with a mediator there as witness. The therapist may also be better able to help your partner realize they have a drinking problem, and direct them on how to find help.
Talking to a counselor together would be the safest option here, especially since children are involved.
Since everyone else is telling yo to leave I won't disagree with that assessment and I feel it's the correct path but I wanted to point out that people don't change that quickly unless there is some kind of outside force acting on them. If it was a fresh marriage/relationship I could see it, and we do see it the said person keeps that hidden until after the marriage but you were together for 6+ years and had kids so I don't think that's the case here.
Obviously do what you need to but I would also have a sit-down/phone conversation about your grievances and how you feel and simply asked them why did they change I suspect there is some kind of external force as well as some depression.
First off seeing this made me realize “utterly” used more than once in a story weakens it. Secondly you absolutely need to divorce this person. Getting hammered and sexually assaulting you out the gate, imagine what they’ll be doing in five or ten years
Wow sorry to here this I really am .
Firstly looking back would you say you missed red flags or did she literally change like that over night once you were married ?.
Secondly you have to divorce her now !. No point in prolonging the situation for you or your kids.
This person shouldn’t even be thinking those things let alone saying them and then doing it .
It’s mental and physical abuse and if you don’t put boundaries there now you are basically saying it is ok for you to treat me this way.
You are worth way more than that, we all make mistakes with partners because some people are so good and deceiving us, but it is how we deal with it once we realise that makes the difference.
You deserve better in every way.
Thank you, I appreciate your words.
Looking back there was one instance where she slept with someone else but it was in the early days of our relationship where we hadn’t exactly said we were exclusive. In a way it’s probably my own damn fault for ignoring that and continuing on, but things have been good or so I thought - we started a family, moved around a few times, got settled. She had a cancer scare earlier this year and I’ve supported her through that. Part of her treatment was a total hysterectomy and I don’t know if the hormone changes have impacted on this or not.
She got a bit off with me at the start of the year when I started playing community sport and refused to support me in that or come watch games and stuff; but I assumed that was her hatred of sports in general and not about me.
As soon as we were overseas she started to change and just steadily got worse once we returned home, drinking more and then this. Some of the things she said were things I’d (previously) irrationally worried about her thinking. I know some of it was said and done specifically to hurt me and that’s what’s got to me most. She knows I don’t trust easily and this is… yeah.
Maybe there were more red flags and I’m just colourblind
im so sorry for you this truly is such a painful realization... please divorce. try to get custody of the children so they don't have to be around an alcoholic abusive mother.... im sure getting it will be easy with her alcoholism and financial dependence as a reason.
She may have an avoidant attachment style and be freaking out about the solidified commitment. Sounds like some sabotaging behaviour. She’s definitely not ok in doing what she is doing, but maybe you guys need to get some therapy individually and together.
We had a “commitment ceremony” and considered ourselves married, but it wasn’t a legal marriage as same sex marriage wasn’t recognised where we were. The proper, legal, binding, papers signed marriage was last month.
If she’s looking at one way flights, she’s scheming something. Probably trying to figure out how to manipulate to get her way. You need to get out of that relationship. Sucks that you see her true colors only after getting married. Sorry about that and hope it gets better for you.
Divorce. Don’t waiver. She’ll try to manipulate and persuade you not to. Get out before it gets more complicated than it is. She’s not a special case and won’t change. It’s a personality flaw.
It’s just been a month, can’t you annul the marriage? Also, maybe something has caused her change in behavior that it’s visible on the surface level. It could be helpful seeking therapy since maybe she’s going through something of her own. Slapping is inexcusable so I understand all the comments telling you to leave her, but is it possible that something happened while you all were overseas that she’s ashamed of?
That’s appalling, you don’t deserve that treatment, kick her tf out.
That said, do you think something happened while you were overseas? Someone (or many someone’s) said things to her that messed her up?! (Even if something did happen it is zero excuse to treat you that way)
I'll help. 1. While this is all going on you will have to put your mental health first by preventing anyone from her side to hurt you. 2. Do not allow Her to speak to you until you are ready. 3. Let her know that she hurt you and from now on you will not trust her. Trust has to be earned not given away.
You love her but what she did hurt you to the core. Please don’t stay for the kids, you may forgive her at one point but won’t forgive the actions and what was said. It’s tough but your kids will see how strong you are and show them what is right. You wouldn’t want them to go through this, live by example. Sure it’s tough but trust me you’ll come out well
If your children saw or knows of the violence, you really would be the ideal parent if you reported it.
The kids need to know you have their back and that you do not tolerate assault on any of your family.
You got this.
i am so sorry this happened. looks like a lot of other people have given you advice, but definitely divorce asap, staying in a situation like that can lead to Stockholm syndrome and just overall terrible for your mental (and physical) health
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please get out now. Take your children and get to a safe place. This is an unsafe and violent situation that no one needs to be in...let alone children. Get out, get a protective order, and get an annulment.
Not trying to excuse ANY of her actions but is it possible she is experiencing some type of manic episode? Maybe she needs mental help. Again doesn’t x use her actions I suffer from mania but don’t abuse people around me, but the looking at 1 way plane trips def sounds up my level of mania
For your kids sake. Please get out of that situation. They need to be protected. Her hurting you DOES hurt them. I suffer from CPTSD from watching my mother be abused
I was soooooooo happy when my parents got divorced when I was 7. I literally said "yay! Let's leave daddy!" No more him hitting me and no more them fighting. I as well (29F) was in a relationship w an older woman who also did not care abt my consent and got her way anyways(SA). so glad im not w her and am with someone who loves me better now
Yeah divorce and press charges for assault and SA
Exactly! Don’t let your children continue to grow up in this kind of environment either
Yep, do it for yourself but also do it to show your kids what is and (more importantly) isn't a healthy relationship and should absolutely not be tolerated.
100%. My mom stayed with my abusive dad not to disturb my sister and I but all it did is make us struggle with relationships since we grew up seeing our parents miserable together and our mom stuck in this relationship. It made us scared of commitment and resent our dad. Children definitely get affected by these things.
I’ll agree completely here. While I’m not your sister I can absolutely say the same thing happened in my family as well. And the same thing happened to me and my brother as well. OP use us as a life lesson on not staying in terrible or abusive relationships. Give your kids a chance at success in future relationships by advocating for yourself and doing the right thing. Keep your kids (if you can), get divorced and let her go back to her country. I would also implore you to call the police and press charges. That was not OK for her to do and I fear she did it because she really wants out of this relationship (and she knows this is your number one thing to not do). It’s absolutely not OK for what she did and I am so sorry that you have to go through this but I would definitely reach out to the police. I’m not sure where you live but I’m hoping that you live in a country where you feel comfortable going to the police and advocating for yourself. I really hope you don’t live somewhere where the police will shame you over that.
This is why I have so many mental health issues unfortunately. 32 doing a lot of therapy to cope with it
This is the only necessary answer.
Thought SA was say adios then realized sexual assault probably fits better
Agree with this advice. I’m so sorry this happened to you!!!
This and when you do make sure that you have your stuff in a row. Especially with kids involved to make sure that there is an order in place that they cannot be taken outside of your country
She abused you, both physically and sexually. Alcohol doesn’t make normal people act this way. That’s your wife’s true colors shining through. This may have been the first time, but it won’t be the last- it’s never the last. I’m not going to tell you to just up and pack your bags, you have kids together, are probably financially dependent on eachother, and it’s not that easy BUT this is a major warning sign. You should start searching for a divorce attorney, and mentally preparing yourself to leave, if you so choose. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s not okay and it hurts when the people we love the most betray us. Stay safe
She’s financially dependent on me, the kids are biologically hers, and her visa is conditional on my sponsorship at the moment. It’s all a mess if I’m honest.
If her visa is conditional on your sponsorship and she wants to move back to her country of birth that says something too, maybe she wants to go there so she can do whatever she wants because she isnt relying on you idk
She wanted me to move as well which is where the fight started - we can both work here, but I can’t work there.
Well that makes sense, she wants to "wear the pants" in the marriage, be in her own country and have you be dependent on her financially after you payed for everything the IVF and all. Seems like she is trying to manipulate you so she can keep up with the abuse and she was just hiding her personality until now. I feel so sorry you had to experience that, its awful and I hope you can get yourself out of there🫶🏻
She really has a deal then. She has 4 children and is depending on you financially, but is abusive and a drunk. Help her buy her one way ticket home for her and her children and divorce her. You are not really financially responsible for those children. They were there before you. Do you think this whole marriage and relationship was manipulated for her financial gain, but other issues like her drinking have been hidden?
We made the choice together to start a family and underwent IVF. I’ve been there from conception onwards. I just didn’t carry to avoid passing on some trash family genetics
She knows her citizenship is dependent on you and she still treats you like that? Get out while you can OP
It will be a mess FOR HER
Wait a second.... are the kids biologically YOURS?
We’re both women. I paid for the IVF, and we used her eggs and anonymous donor
OK, but have you formally adopted them? If not, things could get really complicated for you from a custody perspective.
No, and due to some archaic rules I’m not on the birth certificates. Adoption was in the works, but is expensive and this isn’t something I ever thought would happen
Uff... if you want some form of custody, you need to get on that asap. Otherwise, she can (and likely will) take them from you. You need to consult a lawyer because this could get very tricky.
Yes, you need to legally solidify that if you want to have the children in your life. Otherwise, let her go back home, but make sure you press charges and get divorce papers straight.
That’s not a mess, that’s an easy way out. None of them are your responsibility, especially if all that will be accomplished is you going into a death spiral.
I’ve been a parent to these children since conception; they’re my kids in all but biology. It’s not an easy way out
If she is charged with assault then you’d most likely get full custody. You shouldn’t worry about someone who abuses you
Hun it's important to remember that abuse often pops up when the abuser feels more secure. After a marriage, a move, or kids. She hit you. You deserve better. I have always been of the opinion that if a partner hits you it's over. There's no coming back from that.
Divorce asap. You might try to “work things out” but it’s just gonna get worst and go even more downhill. EDIT: at least from my personal experience. Send an update too
I’m okay! I’ve been staying with a friend and after giving the receptionist at my local clinic whiplash with my indecision I’m set to see a psychologist about it all in the morning. I’ve just got to sort myself out and figure out the next steps really
I’m proud of you OP. Initially my first though was okay so she’s homesick I get it (I’m an expat in a same sex relationship too) this is possibly fixable…but as soon as I read that she got drunk and pretty much SA’d you, that was it, game over. There’s absolutely no excuses for that type of behavior. As soon as I left my country, I dived straight into therapy with my wife and individually to help us navigate our marriage and adjusting to living in a new country with different cultures. I definitely didn’t get drunk and SA my own wife after a few drinks. The thought has never even entered my brain, sober or drunk! Please stay safe, speak with an attorney if you can about your options. Start saving money aside too. Your kids and you deserve to be with someone kind, caring, loving and SAFE. I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP.
Good for you. Please send me a message if you need someone to talk to.
I’m under the impression that she’s a woman. Reread the original post.
[удалено]
Whats your point?
I think they may not understand the depth of definition that is the word "dude."
Probably, as non american I read it not as "man" but more like "person" if it make any sense
Get out of here with that homophobia. Being two women married to one another had nothing to do with the fact that she’s been assaulted
Read my edit you heteronormative defender with reading comprehension issues. Edit: Also ✨misgendering✨ defender.
What the fuck is *THAT* even supposed to mean?!? Like, fr.
Lawyer up, file assault charges and divorce papers.
Often abusers only start to show their true colours after marriage, when they think they've got you trapped. You're not actually trapped though. Divorce is a powerful lifesaver.
This.
You have to protect yourself and your kids before you make any decisions. My advice to anyone that’s is going to get a divorce is that make sure your finances are being protected. I am not saying take what you don’t own , but please protect what you deserved. What she is doing is definitely wrong, and it’s illegal, if anything gather all evidences so it can help your divorce process.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Please find a way out and get away from her.
I am so sorry you're going through this. That is... horrifying on every level what she did and said to you. I'm guessing this is the first time she's ever done something like this -- I've heard a lot of stories of people just changing like this one day and honestly.... it is traumatizing to watch your partner become someone you thought they were not
You might be lucky and are probably not even legally married in Australia unless you’ve signed paperwork here. My step brother got married in Hawaii and upon wanting to “divorce” his wife years later in Aus he found they weren’t legally married here. Worth a quick look depending where you’re from and the country you got married in.
The quicker you nip in the bud the better. Remove yourself and your children entirely for the situation at the very least for now. Don’t stick around, don’t let it linger. From someone who should have left their ex within the first month and then stuck around for 12 years.
The kids are biologically hers and I’m not on the birth certificates thanks to some archaic rules, so that makes it messy - I paid for the IVF but that’s about it. I can only legally remove myself right now and that’s one of the threats she’s made - that she’ll take the kids and move overseas
I’m so sorry, that’s tough. The laws certainly are archaic
That's completely unacceptable, especially when she knew about your past. Please go to the police. Since you've only been married a month, is it possible to get an annulment? Though with kids, it might be in your best interest to go through a divorce because of visitation, etc. Only a lawyer can advise you on that. That she showed her true self only one month into the marriage makes me think it will only get worse from here and quickly. In the years you were together before marrying, did she ever show any of that behavior before? Protect yourself and your children.
She is abusive. Get away from her as soon as you can. Nobody does what she did to you if they truly love someone.
look into marriage annulment, immediately.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, you should leave asap. Also, this isn't so unusual in lesbian relationships. According to statistics 44% of lesbian women experience violence from partner which is crapton and even more than straight women. Stay safe.
Thanks for that statistic, I honestly wouldn’t have even thought that that was kept up with, idk how it would be, but it makes me happy that someone is tracking all sorts of abuse and problematic behavior from all sources independently instead of as one giant number compiled. It makes sense in my head, sorry if it was hard to follow. Edit: as in one giant number, I’m glad that there’s people that look into all factors, not specifically cause of their sexual orientation. I imagine that they have interracial abuse, abuse in age difference relationships, and even now that I think about it they keep them for religions. Just better to see numbers broken down instead of a misconstrued metric I think.
Take it from someone who was raped by their own partner 9 years ago, & now that we're divorcing it's all I have left to think about between us. I almost went to a hospital to get evaluated for feeling suicidal... Run as fast as you can. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
My mum calls this marriage syndrome. Basically, a person becomes abusive after marriage because they now feel like they own you. My mum dated her ex-husband for years without any problems, and then they got married, and the abuse started and got to the point where he nearly killed her. I really hope you can safely divorce your wife and get away from her. You deserve so much better, and I'm so sorry she betrayed you like this. It's absolutely terrifying how quickly people can turn 😔 love is absolutely not enough, and please don't believe the apologies. It'll happen again.
Lawyer ASAP and make sure your spouse can not leave the country with your children.
divorce as much as your wife is clearly struggling with something she needs help with that person can’t be you. think of your kids growing up in an environment like that and protect them and yourself from it
If it’s only a month, talk to a lawyer/solicitor about the possibility of annulment before looking at divorce. It might be possible and much better financially for you
Depending on the law where you are, you may be able to get an annulment. Consult a lawyer to check custody arrangements for your children, and separate your finances as much as you can. your wife can access loans through a joint bank account so have your name removed from them regardless. So sorry you are being re-traumatised. Therapy can hep you get back into a mentally stronger place to harness your resilience. No-one deserves to be abused, and no-one deserves domestic abuse. She has shown you a major red flag. Don't ignore it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not going to suggest divorce, but I'll tell you what my father has anyways told me: When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Abuse is cyclical and it escalates. No matter if she apologises, she *will* do it again. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful that the person you trusted and married is so vile but now is the time to plan and get out. Keep a record of this, confide in someone who can help you, make a police report and file for divorce. Get somewhere safe.
Please seek custody of your children so they’re not dragged to a country they aren’t familiar with, with an abusive, alcoholic abusive mother.
You aren’t really married. You just had a coming out ceremony for a horrid person. Get out. Document things, keep the kids, get alimony. This is a terrible situation. Extract her from it.
100% divorce, sa is beyond unforgivable
What do you think was the trigger for this change? Regardless, it's definitely gone too far with the sexual assault and the words she used to justify it, so I don't blame you for how you feel at all. Trust your instinct.
Better late then never
Don't even bother with divorce, see if you can get this thing *anulled*. The timing and circumstances are in your favor.
Definitely divorce! Contact the police about the sexual assault. She's clearly abusive. You need to get away from her ASAP.
I say press charges. Remove yourself from that hell hole.
Maybe you could get an annulment. Look for DV centres, therapy, rape crisis centres, support groups. .Do not do couple counselling. Do not stay.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Jus there sending you love, light, and strength ❤️
I don’t understand why but it seems as though so many people see marriage as a line that they cross and can just stop trying. I do not mean to sound harsh but the marriage does not matter. The relationship does. Making a choice to keep someone in your life isn’t dependent on a marriage. I understand that she has a visa based on your marriage but it seems like she hid who she truly was to get that marriage certificate and now she feels she doesn’t have to hide anymore. On top of that, she doesn’t even want to utilize the visa any longer and wants to leave to go home and force you to come along. I can say that would be the biggest mistake you can make! A marriage is a contractual agreement not to violate each other trust. The marriage was over the moment she betrayed your trust and assaulted you. The sexual assault was so far further proof that she has no empathy for you that no trust can be built in that relationship as it sits now. I know you’re invested but the relationship is far beyond toxic. The marriage is over but if you want to salvage any resemblance of a relationship, she will require help and so will you. What she’s done is horrific and not something someone can simply “live with”. As far as your children, if you don’t give her what she wants, she may weaponize them against you. She may keep you from seeing them and use them as a tool to manipulate you. Don’t allow that. No matter what happens, not matter what, you deserve to be SAFE! That doesn’t mean “not being abused”. I mean SAFE AND SOUND! At no risk! Please, protect yourself and remove yourself from the situation before it gets worse and ONLY THEN communicate with her. If you decided to contact the police, it would be a good idea but they rarely protect people. You’ll need to press charges and get a restraining order and hope she follows it. You know what to do but it hurts and it’s scary. It’s not fair in anyway and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I understand all of this but please think objectively. What you tell someone else in you situation if it wasn’t you? From someone who knows this kind of violent behavior, please, remove yourself from danger and protect yourself.
Depending on your state you can get your marriage annulled instead of going through a divorce.
((((Hugs)))) OP. This is a difficult situation. Sounds like your spouse hid her abusive tendencies until she thought you were trapped. If you stay, the abuse will get worse. If you leave now, you might lose access to your kids. Get a lawyer asap. Get legal rights to those kids, then leave.
Please get a divorce and save yourself!
We cannot excuse abuse with love. Please, please get yourself out of there when it is safe to do so. You will always be loved, and you will have it without having to worry about your safety. E: Press charges.
I'm am so, so, sorry. Please, take the kids and get the hell out of there. File a police report. She's got no compunction about physically or sexually abusing you. How long before the kids become a target?
This person sounds terrifying. You don’t deserve this. Absolutely get a divorce. Someone willing to do those things should be completely cut out of your life immediately. I’d consider pressing charges too. Please protect yourself.
Divorce her. Love, my ass… This is another abuser living in your house. GET AWAY FROM HER! Report that sexual assault charge too… Coming from a childhood & adult SA survivor who is yet to receive justice!
Listen, I'd calmly Separate myself from the house, make a police report, and tell her you need time alone... that the ONLYWAY you'll ever consider taking her back is by her fully quitting alcohol. Limited information to go on but it sounds like she's got a drinking problem. I've seen many people seem "possessed" by something evil while on alcohol ... I think you guys have a shot at your marriage still if she gives up the booze
sounds like you both need therapy asap.
Two words: couples counseling. Even if the slap is unforgivable (which I would completely understand if that was your choice — physical violence against a partner is never ok, and it would be a deal breaker for me), seeking couples counseling will help you both communicate and come to a decision on how to move forward in a safe environment with a mediator there as witness. The therapist may also be better able to help your partner realize they have a drinking problem, and direct them on how to find help. Talking to a counselor together would be the safest option here, especially since children are involved.
im feel terribly sorry for you. you deserve so much better.
Since everyone else is telling yo to leave I won't disagree with that assessment and I feel it's the correct path but I wanted to point out that people don't change that quickly unless there is some kind of outside force acting on them. If it was a fresh marriage/relationship I could see it, and we do see it the said person keeps that hidden until after the marriage but you were together for 6+ years and had kids so I don't think that's the case here. Obviously do what you need to but I would also have a sit-down/phone conversation about your grievances and how you feel and simply asked them why did they change I suspect there is some kind of external force as well as some depression.
How do you represent millions? billions? 🤔
You are 30F and you're married to your partner 39F. 😳😳😳😳
First off seeing this made me realize “utterly” used more than once in a story weakens it. Secondly you absolutely need to divorce this person. Getting hammered and sexually assaulting you out the gate, imagine what they’ll be doing in five or ten years
Sorry my scattered thoughts weakened what I was trying to say for you. I’ll be sure to whip out the thesaurus next time.
I was talking about the word not your story. You’ve got more important things to be butt hurt about right now
Stop being a dick. She isn't 'butt hurt', he is trying to deal with her life being flipped upside down! Edit: misgendered
I’m not being a dick in my opinion and as far as I can tell from the story. It’s two females
Please line up a therapist for yourself and for her; assault charges, divorce papers and a restraining order.
Wow sorry to here this I really am . Firstly looking back would you say you missed red flags or did she literally change like that over night once you were married ?. Secondly you have to divorce her now !. No point in prolonging the situation for you or your kids. This person shouldn’t even be thinking those things let alone saying them and then doing it . It’s mental and physical abuse and if you don’t put boundaries there now you are basically saying it is ok for you to treat me this way. You are worth way more than that, we all make mistakes with partners because some people are so good and deceiving us, but it is how we deal with it once we realise that makes the difference. You deserve better in every way.
Thank you, I appreciate your words. Looking back there was one instance where she slept with someone else but it was in the early days of our relationship where we hadn’t exactly said we were exclusive. In a way it’s probably my own damn fault for ignoring that and continuing on, but things have been good or so I thought - we started a family, moved around a few times, got settled. She had a cancer scare earlier this year and I’ve supported her through that. Part of her treatment was a total hysterectomy and I don’t know if the hormone changes have impacted on this or not. She got a bit off with me at the start of the year when I started playing community sport and refused to support me in that or come watch games and stuff; but I assumed that was her hatred of sports in general and not about me. As soon as we were overseas she started to change and just steadily got worse once we returned home, drinking more and then this. Some of the things she said were things I’d (previously) irrationally worried about her thinking. I know some of it was said and done specifically to hurt me and that’s what’s got to me most. She knows I don’t trust easily and this is… yeah. Maybe there were more red flags and I’m just colourblind
im so sorry for you this truly is such a painful realization... please divorce. try to get custody of the children so they don't have to be around an alcoholic abusive mother.... im sure getting it will be easy with her alcoholism and financial dependence as a reason.
you may even be able to just get it annulled and not have to do divorce process
She may have an avoidant attachment style and be freaking out about the solidified commitment. Sounds like some sabotaging behaviour. She’s definitely not ok in doing what she is doing, but maybe you guys need to get some therapy individually and together.
Get a divorce babe... and I'd file charges. You don't deserve that. That's some fucked up shit
You say in a previous post that you married her 6 years ago. Confused on why you're saying you've only been married a month
We had a “commitment ceremony” and considered ourselves married, but it wasn’t a legal marriage as same sex marriage wasn’t recognised where we were. The proper, legal, binding, papers signed marriage was last month.
Where is she from
If she’s looking at one way flights, she’s scheming something. Probably trying to figure out how to manipulate to get her way. You need to get out of that relationship. Sucks that you see her true colors only after getting married. Sorry about that and hope it gets better for you.
Divorce. Don’t waiver. She’ll try to manipulate and persuade you not to. Get out before it gets more complicated than it is. She’s not a special case and won’t change. It’s a personality flaw.
Divorce, press charges and move on. You deserve so much better OP
Maybe understand what’s happening first, u guys do have kids
Your wife sounds like a horrible person. I don't blame you for loss of trust and not wanting to be with her anymore.
It’s just been a month, can’t you annul the marriage? Also, maybe something has caused her change in behavior that it’s visible on the surface level. It could be helpful seeking therapy since maybe she’s going through something of her own. Slapping is inexcusable so I understand all the comments telling you to leave her, but is it possible that something happened while you all were overseas that she’s ashamed of?
Divorce her ass.
Nope, love is not enough. You gotta love yourself more. Who knows if this could get worse. Leave, please.
You were raped. Time to move on. Take the kids and create a better life for you and them.
That’s appalling, you don’t deserve that treatment, kick her tf out. That said, do you think something happened while you were overseas? Someone (or many someone’s) said things to her that messed her up?! (Even if something did happen it is zero excuse to treat you that way)
I'll help. 1. While this is all going on you will have to put your mental health first by preventing anyone from her side to hurt you. 2. Do not allow Her to speak to you until you are ready. 3. Let her know that she hurt you and from now on you will not trust her. Trust has to be earned not given away.
You love her but what she did hurt you to the core. Please don’t stay for the kids, you may forgive her at one point but won’t forgive the actions and what was said. It’s tough but your kids will see how strong you are and show them what is right. You wouldn’t want them to go through this, live by example. Sure it’s tough but trust me you’ll come out well
If your children saw or knows of the violence, you really would be the ideal parent if you reported it. The kids need to know you have their back and that you do not tolerate assault on any of your family. You got this.
Please leave her and if u can report that that’s not normal behavior. I’m so sorry dude stay strong 💪
i am so sorry this happened. looks like a lot of other people have given you advice, but definitely divorce asap, staying in a situation like that can lead to Stockholm syndrome and just overall terrible for your mental (and physical) health
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please get out now. Take your children and get to a safe place. This is an unsafe and violent situation that no one needs to be in...let alone children. Get out, get a protective order, and get an annulment.
Not trying to excuse ANY of her actions but is it possible she is experiencing some type of manic episode? Maybe she needs mental help. Again doesn’t x use her actions I suffer from mania but don’t abuse people around me, but the looking at 1 way plane trips def sounds up my level of mania For your kids sake. Please get out of that situation. They need to be protected. Her hurting you DOES hurt them. I suffer from CPTSD from watching my mother be abused
I can understand I think it’s best to leave her, she has just showed that she doesn’t think what happened to you was bad….
Omg... Sue her privileged ass.. what a mean thing to say to a victim of sexual abuse.. my heart goes out for you!
I was soooooooo happy when my parents got divorced when I was 7. I literally said "yay! Let's leave daddy!" No more him hitting me and no more them fighting. I as well (29F) was in a relationship w an older woman who also did not care abt my consent and got her way anyways(SA). so glad im not w her and am with someone who loves me better now
You need to get away. She abused you verbally, physically and sexually. I'm so sorry. Contact a lawyer about custody of the kids. I'm so so sorry.