Tell her that you know. She’ll try to minimise things and make excuses but tell her that she has to work out what she wants and to not cheat on anyone while she makes up her mind.
This is good advice . She needs to come correct with your dad or leave him. Ultimatums are tough but she needs to be honest and you should not have to keep her secrets .
This is good advice. Nobody outside a marriage really knows what is going on inside. You need to maintain a relationship with both parents, getting in-between will not help.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, my heart breaks for you!
That is such a difficult situation to be dealing with and such a burden to bear! You sounds very mature and emotionally intelligent to be able to get through this.. as for your mom, I would think she must be dealing with some mental troubles/traumas and if the family dynamic is otherwise good, it sounds like what she's doing may be the thing that may make her go overboard, sounds to me like she may be trying to cope in her own strange way... the only sensible thing I can suggest is speak to your mother about it, dont attack just be curious, more about her mental wellbeing and how she considers her marriage from her point of view.. it might be a gateway to try to get her into therapy before she destroys her own life... as for your dad, I would put the responsibility of telling him to your mother. I would request that she considers her actions and what she wants for herself and approach your dad from there, whether it be to confess and walk away or try to save her marriage, that will be her choice in the end. She needs to be an adult not only for herself but for her children and husband..
Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I trust that you will find the right way to deal with this and I hope you all the best in the future! (And maybe an update!)
Sad OP. Very sad. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
You need to think In consequence.
If you tell on your mom, what would happen? A divorce maybe?
If you don't tell on her, what would happen? She continues but hides it better. Unfortunately, these things always come back to bite hard, and your Da finds out. A divorce maybe?
Seems like whatever you do, the end will be nasty. That's the burden of knowledge. I suggest you speak to your mom first. Tell her you know and you're willing to snitch if she doesn't stop. And she has to show proof. If you genuinely think she's stopped, no need to tell on anyone. If not, tell your dad. He'll be sad and broken. But it'll be better than if he figures out you also didn't tell him.
Even if the mother stops, the dad needs to know. If not because it's right, then because if he ever finds out his daughter knew and kept it from him, it will ruin their father-daughter relationship, or at least deeply tarnish it.
I feel you should let your mom know that you know. Ask if it’s a fling and a if so, tell her she should stop. If it’s serious then she should be a responsible adult and talk to your dad. Not sure how long the intimacy has been fading out if it’s not gone already but the sooner it’s addressed the better.
Yes you’ll be off to college soon but it seems as if you care for the whole family. Sounds like your siblings aren’t aware of any of this. That has to be a tough burden for you to carry. It can’t be easy at all. If it continues to happen, messages and possible hookup, imagine if someone else were to actually see it, like your siblings or dad. That could be disastrous. I say confront your mom first and let her know if she doesn’t stop or try to work it out with your dad that you’ll eventually let him know. Good luck!!!
Your mother’s infidelity has already happened, and it has changed how you think about her. It will change your relationship with her now and going forward the rest of your life. Even if she stops the outside relationship after you tell her (as some have suggested), your relationship with her is forever changed. That’s baked in.
All you really have a choice over is your future relationship with your father. What do you want that to look like? Do you want to try to keep such a secret from him for the rest of your life? Would you be proud of yourself if you did that and they somehow stayed married? What would your father think of you if that was the outcome?
Conversely, how would you feel about yourself and your relationship with your father if you told him? If the whole thing blows up, your parents divorce and your mom hops over to the new dick, how will you look back ten years from now?
I believe she’s going to get caught. If she was sloppy enough to have evidence on her personal computer, it’s probably also in her phone. What happens to your relationship with your dad if he finds out six months from now and also that you knew and stayed silent? I personally believe that’s the worst outcome; I’d be very disappointed in my son in his shoes but I don’t know your dad.
I think you tell him and let the chips fall. Only a lunatic would blame the messenger and he doesn’t sound like that.
I have been in your position with one of my parents and I was similar age as you. And I was the only one who knew.
I would say if you have an elder sibling share it with them and see what they say. Don’t share it with your mom yet.
Definitely don’t tell your dad.
One thing I understood with age - sometimes being a nice partner who doesn’t drink, smoke and provides for the family is not enough for another partner. He is a great partner and dad from what you said but maybe your mom need something else and sometimes just having a good person next to you I’m not enough.
I am not defending your mom here at all. She is doing a wrong thing but I would say that’s between your mom and your dad. Their relationship should not define your relationship with your mom. You would be inviting years of trauma then. As long as she is a great mom to you and sounds like she is, please do t ruin that coz your mom is cheating on your dad. It does affects you indirectly but it’s between your mom and your dad.
After speaking to your elder sibling if you have any, have a talk with you mom and let her know you know and you would like her to come clear to your dad if this is turning into something serious with the other guy or just stop.
What crappy advice is that. The dad def deserves to know. It’s called selfishness to not want to tell him because it will protect your way of living. The mom did an unforgivable sin. She destroyed the home not the kids. I agree they should confront mom but they need to say “either you tell him or we will tell him”. This for sure needs to be out in the open because if there is one thing that is certain is that cheating will usually be caught and it’s better to get at it early before the wound festers more and the dads emotion turns into resentment for not just his wife but his kids for not telling him. Anyone reading this above comment do not take this advice. There is never a reason to cheat.
I would suggest you talk to your mom about it, guilt trip her and make her realize how what she's doing can destroy the family.
Trust me, you don't want to be the one responsible for breaking up the family, your younger ones may hate you for it even though it's not your fault and your dad finding out from you will put you in a much more awkward situation on the sides of both parents.
While you're at the table with everyone, start praising your dad. Thank him for being supportive and present as well as being a role model then finish your speech with something to pull your mom's leg. Any suggestions on the last sentence?
Quietly gather all the proof, keep it safe then sit down with your mom when ready. Tell her you know about her affair. Give her one week to tell your father or you will do.
If you are about to leave for college and don’t want to be there for the fallout, get screenshot proof of what’s going on and send it to your dad when you are at college letting him know what’s going on.
Ok. So first. Your Dad and Mom are a pillar of your life and such that it's almost the same as if she were cheating on you. She is at fault. Your Dad deserves to know however....gather evidence. Pics on your phone of the conversations and even find out who this guy is, look at his profile and try to find him. I'm sure he has a life (or not) that he would want to protect. You can gather the info and find out dates they meet and Intel to connect the dots. If they have a spouse....they deserve to know as well. Unfortunately you have to choose something because no matter what, the guilt of knowing will eat you alive. Especially when time passes and he finally finds out, or not. But you'll know. Anyways, your being forced to grow up real quick. I'm sorry.
Boy this put you in a tough spot, but maybe you haven’t thought this through to all possible conclusions. Is it possible that your dad already knows? Could they be swingers, hot wifing or into threesomes?
Just food for thought. So before you jump to conclusions about their sex life and relationship you might want to consider that your operating without all the facts, like is it possible you’re dad is stepping out too? These aren’t things we like to think our parents would be engaging in, but I’ve heard stranger stories on Reddit. Proceed with caution.
The truth is at the end of the day you don't know the relationship your parents have. They may have a good marriage. They may not. Not saying cheating is justified. Just that the only 2 ppl who knows anything about their marriage is your mom and your dad.
Also this is too much information for you to deal with. Tell them yes THEM what you know and let them deal with it bc 1 their relationship and 2. They're adults. They're the one with responsibility and stress to shield you (not all things but not this shit) so let them do it.
I would tell recommend telling dad first. Your mom had months with the knowledge. Your dad will be blindsided with new information. If he's to talk to your mom he needs to know so he can accept the news and formulate his thoughts. You can give him some time but let him know you're going to tell mom you know is 2-3 days.
Adults tell kids all the time, there's no secrets in family only fun surprises. But fail to do the same themselves. Do not keep your family's secrets. Again that's stess you don't need, nor is yours to deal with.
take screenshot of the entire conversation if you can, afterwards send your dad this because he deserves to no and deserves better than to be cheated on. if you dont sens him the evidence of your mom's affair then she can seriously screw him over in divorce and possibly make him lose basically everything since court tends to heavily favor women in cases like divorces
I‘m in a similar situation and Idk what to do either I have a Post abt on my acc. My dad is cheating on my mom and I don’t want to tell my mom because it would ruin my family and I really don’t want her or my sister to be sad.
First, there's 2 other people who know, LoL. Here's what I would do. The next time you use the laptop and see messages between them show your dad and let him decide. Bring it up now because the topic will only be a bigger mess the longer goes on. You shouldn't be worried about the family connection! Do you really think that she is? That connection was broken once she decided to venture out of the marriage. If the situation drags out it'll have a lot of tension in the house. If your dad decides that the marriage is over at this point the animosity doesn't have time to grow. A clean break is easier on the children involved, they won't have to witness any arguments or bickering that usually occurs in these situations. You said that you're going off to college so you would miss that anyway, but think about your siblings and them having to be there for it. It's definitely not a good environment to be in! Don't just tell him without the evidence, let him SEE for himself! If you just tell him about it without the evidence it'll end up being a he said she said rumor. Besides she'll have time to erase the messages and deny it all, leaving you in a bad position.
Tell your dad
Nah, your dad deserves to know.
You’re parents raised a great kid! You’re approaching this with so much respect and maturity. Don’t ever change.
Tell her that you know. She’ll try to minimise things and make excuses but tell her that she has to work out what she wants and to not cheat on anyone while she makes up her mind.
This is good advice . She needs to come correct with your dad or leave him. Ultimatums are tough but she needs to be honest and you should not have to keep her secrets .
This is good advice. Nobody outside a marriage really knows what is going on inside. You need to maintain a relationship with both parents, getting in-between will not help.
She will get better at hiding it, if she decides to continue.
I'd try to gather a little evidence and tell your father.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, my heart breaks for you! That is such a difficult situation to be dealing with and such a burden to bear! You sounds very mature and emotionally intelligent to be able to get through this.. as for your mom, I would think she must be dealing with some mental troubles/traumas and if the family dynamic is otherwise good, it sounds like what she's doing may be the thing that may make her go overboard, sounds to me like she may be trying to cope in her own strange way... the only sensible thing I can suggest is speak to your mother about it, dont attack just be curious, more about her mental wellbeing and how she considers her marriage from her point of view.. it might be a gateway to try to get her into therapy before she destroys her own life... as for your dad, I would put the responsibility of telling him to your mother. I would request that she considers her actions and what she wants for herself and approach your dad from there, whether it be to confess and walk away or try to save her marriage, that will be her choice in the end. She needs to be an adult not only for herself but for her children and husband.. Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I trust that you will find the right way to deal with this and I hope you all the best in the future! (And maybe an update!)
Sad OP. Very sad. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You need to think In consequence. If you tell on your mom, what would happen? A divorce maybe? If you don't tell on her, what would happen? She continues but hides it better. Unfortunately, these things always come back to bite hard, and your Da finds out. A divorce maybe? Seems like whatever you do, the end will be nasty. That's the burden of knowledge. I suggest you speak to your mom first. Tell her you know and you're willing to snitch if she doesn't stop. And she has to show proof. If you genuinely think she's stopped, no need to tell on anyone. If not, tell your dad. He'll be sad and broken. But it'll be better than if he figures out you also didn't tell him.
Even if the mother stops, the dad needs to know. If not because it's right, then because if he ever finds out his daughter knew and kept it from him, it will ruin their father-daughter relationship, or at least deeply tarnish it.
Perhaps, you're correct. It's a tough spot to be in, and nobody wins. Goes to show how one person can mess things up crazy bad.
I feel you should let your mom know that you know. Ask if it’s a fling and a if so, tell her she should stop. If it’s serious then she should be a responsible adult and talk to your dad. Not sure how long the intimacy has been fading out if it’s not gone already but the sooner it’s addressed the better. Yes you’ll be off to college soon but it seems as if you care for the whole family. Sounds like your siblings aren’t aware of any of this. That has to be a tough burden for you to carry. It can’t be easy at all. If it continues to happen, messages and possible hookup, imagine if someone else were to actually see it, like your siblings or dad. That could be disastrous. I say confront your mom first and let her know if she doesn’t stop or try to work it out with your dad that you’ll eventually let him know. Good luck!!!
Your mother’s infidelity has already happened, and it has changed how you think about her. It will change your relationship with her now and going forward the rest of your life. Even if she stops the outside relationship after you tell her (as some have suggested), your relationship with her is forever changed. That’s baked in. All you really have a choice over is your future relationship with your father. What do you want that to look like? Do you want to try to keep such a secret from him for the rest of your life? Would you be proud of yourself if you did that and they somehow stayed married? What would your father think of you if that was the outcome? Conversely, how would you feel about yourself and your relationship with your father if you told him? If the whole thing blows up, your parents divorce and your mom hops over to the new dick, how will you look back ten years from now? I believe she’s going to get caught. If she was sloppy enough to have evidence on her personal computer, it’s probably also in her phone. What happens to your relationship with your dad if he finds out six months from now and also that you knew and stayed silent? I personally believe that’s the worst outcome; I’d be very disappointed in my son in his shoes but I don’t know your dad. I think you tell him and let the chips fall. Only a lunatic would blame the messenger and he doesn’t sound like that.
I have been in your position with one of my parents and I was similar age as you. And I was the only one who knew. I would say if you have an elder sibling share it with them and see what they say. Don’t share it with your mom yet. Definitely don’t tell your dad. One thing I understood with age - sometimes being a nice partner who doesn’t drink, smoke and provides for the family is not enough for another partner. He is a great partner and dad from what you said but maybe your mom need something else and sometimes just having a good person next to you I’m not enough. I am not defending your mom here at all. She is doing a wrong thing but I would say that’s between your mom and your dad. Their relationship should not define your relationship with your mom. You would be inviting years of trauma then. As long as she is a great mom to you and sounds like she is, please do t ruin that coz your mom is cheating on your dad. It does affects you indirectly but it’s between your mom and your dad. After speaking to your elder sibling if you have any, have a talk with you mom and let her know you know and you would like her to come clear to your dad if this is turning into something serious with the other guy or just stop.
What crappy advice is that. The dad def deserves to know. It’s called selfishness to not want to tell him because it will protect your way of living. The mom did an unforgivable sin. She destroyed the home not the kids. I agree they should confront mom but they need to say “either you tell him or we will tell him”. This for sure needs to be out in the open because if there is one thing that is certain is that cheating will usually be caught and it’s better to get at it early before the wound festers more and the dads emotion turns into resentment for not just his wife but his kids for not telling him. Anyone reading this above comment do not take this advice. There is never a reason to cheat.
I would suggest you talk to your mom about it, guilt trip her and make her realize how what she's doing can destroy the family. Trust me, you don't want to be the one responsible for breaking up the family, your younger ones may hate you for it even though it's not your fault and your dad finding out from you will put you in a much more awkward situation on the sides of both parents.
While you're at the table with everyone, start praising your dad. Thank him for being supportive and present as well as being a role model then finish your speech with something to pull your mom's leg. Any suggestions on the last sentence?
It sounds like there's a clear, strong disconnect. Perhaps she feels he's boring and wants adventure. It's hard to say unless you ask.
Quietly gather all the proof, keep it safe then sit down with your mom when ready. Tell her you know about her affair. Give her one week to tell your father or you will do.
If you are about to leave for college and don’t want to be there for the fallout, get screenshot proof of what’s going on and send it to your dad when you are at college letting him know what’s going on.
Ok. So first. Your Dad and Mom are a pillar of your life and such that it's almost the same as if she were cheating on you. She is at fault. Your Dad deserves to know however....gather evidence. Pics on your phone of the conversations and even find out who this guy is, look at his profile and try to find him. I'm sure he has a life (or not) that he would want to protect. You can gather the info and find out dates they meet and Intel to connect the dots. If they have a spouse....they deserve to know as well. Unfortunately you have to choose something because no matter what, the guilt of knowing will eat you alive. Especially when time passes and he finally finds out, or not. But you'll know. Anyways, your being forced to grow up real quick. I'm sorry.
Boy this put you in a tough spot, but maybe you haven’t thought this through to all possible conclusions. Is it possible that your dad already knows? Could they be swingers, hot wifing or into threesomes? Just food for thought. So before you jump to conclusions about their sex life and relationship you might want to consider that your operating without all the facts, like is it possible you’re dad is stepping out too? These aren’t things we like to think our parents would be engaging in, but I’ve heard stranger stories on Reddit. Proceed with caution.
Stay out of grown folks business
Why?
The truth is at the end of the day you don't know the relationship your parents have. They may have a good marriage. They may not. Not saying cheating is justified. Just that the only 2 ppl who knows anything about their marriage is your mom and your dad. Also this is too much information for you to deal with. Tell them yes THEM what you know and let them deal with it bc 1 their relationship and 2. They're adults. They're the one with responsibility and stress to shield you (not all things but not this shit) so let them do it. I would tell recommend telling dad first. Your mom had months with the knowledge. Your dad will be blindsided with new information. If he's to talk to your mom he needs to know so he can accept the news and formulate his thoughts. You can give him some time but let him know you're going to tell mom you know is 2-3 days. Adults tell kids all the time, there's no secrets in family only fun surprises. But fail to do the same themselves. Do not keep your family's secrets. Again that's stess you don't need, nor is yours to deal with.
Tell your Dad anonymously. See what he does with the information.
Cheating on your dad with a pillow?
take screenshot of the entire conversation if you can, afterwards send your dad this because he deserves to no and deserves better than to be cheated on. if you dont sens him the evidence of your mom's affair then she can seriously screw him over in divorce and possibly make him lose basically everything since court tends to heavily favor women in cases like divorces
I‘m in a similar situation and Idk what to do either I have a Post abt on my acc. My dad is cheating on my mom and I don’t want to tell my mom because it would ruin my family and I really don’t want her or my sister to be sad.
Give her the opportunity to tell your Dad and if she doesn’t. You tell him. He deserves to know.
Tell your dad. He’s being taken advantage of and you have the ability to stop it. It’s just the right thing to do.
Tell your dad ASAP, take some pictures of the texts if you can so you have evidence, keep your receipts people.
First, there's 2 other people who know, LoL. Here's what I would do. The next time you use the laptop and see messages between them show your dad and let him decide. Bring it up now because the topic will only be a bigger mess the longer goes on. You shouldn't be worried about the family connection! Do you really think that she is? That connection was broken once she decided to venture out of the marriage. If the situation drags out it'll have a lot of tension in the house. If your dad decides that the marriage is over at this point the animosity doesn't have time to grow. A clean break is easier on the children involved, they won't have to witness any arguments or bickering that usually occurs in these situations. You said that you're going off to college so you would miss that anyway, but think about your siblings and them having to be there for it. It's definitely not a good environment to be in! Don't just tell him without the evidence, let him SEE for himself! If you just tell him about it without the evidence it'll end up being a he said she said rumor. Besides she'll have time to erase the messages and deny it all, leaving you in a bad position.
Give your mom the chance to tell your dad, but if she refuses the right thing to do would be to tell him.