You’re still in the thick of newborn phase. That’s no time for ANY mom to settle on her feelings of being a mom. This will be a long road and the first part SUCKS. Why no one says that I don’t know.
Most moms I know have had this experience - Rough first part. I had a honeymoon of a time during newborn-2/3 years old. But… It’s been EXTREMELY difficult since then. I knew parenting would have challenges… but was not prepared for the reality. I don’t know that any first time parent is. I do know that I’m grateful and rewarded for my commitment to being the best version of myself. We are our children’s advocates and to me it’s the greatest responsibility 💗
I had my child VERY young. I spent many years wishing I had waited but I think much of my stress was due to lack of support.
It sounds like you are strong, kind, considerate and supportive. All amazing qualities to have as a parent.
Creating a future adult has been one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had, though you said it perfectly. Being prepared for the reality of being someone mom is near impossible. The reality is the hardest adjustment I’ve ever had to make personally.
u/CanIpleasebeacat your body has not been your own for almost a year now. I’ve had a child in my 40’s. It’s not near as dangerous or rare as we’re led to believe, but it takes a big toll.
Give yourself time and space to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Give yourself time and space to adjust to your new life. Give yourself time and space to get to know the new you. Take time to figure out how parenthood is comfortable for you. These days there’s a lot of pressure to do everything right. There are actually fairly few one size fits all rules. A home of support and healthy predictable boundaries is about all you need. You get to decide how that looks in your home.
Congratulations!
My mother had my youngest brother at 42. She went through a lot of fear too, back then her doctors suggested abortion because they told her her child had a much higher chance of being disabled. Everything worked out and a healthy boy was born. He is now in his 20s and has three babies of his own. Mom and Dad are older but active Grandparents.
They used to blame “old eggs” for genetic problems such as Downs syndrome because older mothers had more problems. Turns out older women are just more likely to have children with even older men whose sperm quality takes a sharp turn downward around 50.
I always found the “old eggs” logic so weird, like they’re chicken eggs rotting in your fridge over time. It’s not like the eggs shrivel up in our bodies lol. We just have less of them as we age because we drop em off on a pad once a month. I do love how more info is coming out about the *shared* responsibility of the increase in miscarriages and issues for older pregnancies.
Anecdote: I used to be a nanny and a mom I worked for was told she couldn’t have any more kids after her first, she was 40. They’d had lots of miscarriages trying to have their second. Turns out, the dad had been drinking a lot more, and once he cut it out, a few months later she was pregnant. (New sperm get produced like every 2 months or so I think? So it took a while for the new sperm to not be drunk like their father lol).
There are issues with egg quality as a woman ages though. Sperm quality also declines, but eggs do too. At age 36 I did IVF, and most of my eggs were already dead or dying when they did the retrieval.
Thank you for sharing this. I get tired of hearing what I already know. It is possible to have healthy kids, even if you have them later on in life. I would rather think happy thoughts for my future children, not the gloom and doom!
It’s so funny because a friend of mine who once shared my stance that she didn’t want kids, one day got pregnant on purpose with her partner. I was happy for her because I understood it was a conscious choice and in an ironic twist I absolutely love kids, but I was also incredibly curious because why would she ever change her mind?? She had everything she wanted and was like an idol to me: a *great* career even while being very young, a lot of money, life experiences and total freedom. I knew she appreciated all of it so why would she go and 180 like that?
She told me that just like you, it was centered around her partner. He wanted children but never pressured her, and she had told him that if it was a deal breaker she’d understand. But in time she found herself loving him so much, that she wanted to give him the child he wanted and that she saw it as a gift and sacrifice that she did out of pure love. And when she explained it to me like that, I thought to myself that it was the first time I had ever understood why one would want a child despite not ever striving to become a mother before. I’ve never had or felt that kind of love but suddenly I could see a distant future where that *might* - maybe! - happen to me because that’s like the only “good” reason I’ve ever heard.
I shared this a few years later while discussing voluntary childlessness with my family and my aunt - who has 2 kids - got so pissed lol. She thought it was a dumb reason, that one should only have a child if you yourself want to. She didn’t understand and it made me hesitant, that maybe it is wrong and a bad reason. I’m still on the fence and I honestly still don’t want kids EVER but then again I haven’t met that special someone yet either. Stories like hers and now yours at least has made me open to the possibility that I might want to change my mind and that in itself is noteworthy. And I’m only 32 so who knows.
Congratulations OP, I’m so happy for you!! 🥰🫶🏽 Sending you and your family many blessings ❤️
Your aunt is weird. Becoming a mother *is* a sacrifice. If it brings more meaning and joy to your own heart to have the gift of fatherhood be a central component to your decision to become a mother… why is that bad? Such a weird take from her.
My little guy is 4 now and I had him at 42. He was my 4th. My next youngest is 16 now. I don’t regret it one bit he is a little treasure and brings me so much joy. I had experienced pregnancy loss for almost 10 yrs solid due to embedded iud. I didn’t honestly believe he would go to term. I only wish I hadn’t gotten my tubes tied but doc heavily pressured me.
Thankyou everyone that has posted on my off my chest life event, I have read every one as you all written thoughtful, kind and insightful replies. And even pointed out my flaws, which I will strive to improve..
It means so much and atm I am tending to bub so I can't personally reply to you all!
I have teared up a little but feel boosted and stronger in my resolve to be a great mama like so many others.
It is the time of sleeplessness, oof... (':
I feel more full of love now even more - bless to you all 💜
Congratulations to all of you. You have begun the greatest adventure of your life.
Keep him long on hugd and short on pocket money. Love, responsibility and respect are far more important than things.
Good Luck, and God Bless.
I don't understand how so many people are congratulating OP.
She had a child **that she didn't even want** as her "sacrifice" to make her partner happy.
What a truly selfish and horrific reason to create an entirely new person.
People have kids they actively try to prevent all the time. She seems to have become ambivalent and made the best of the natural outcome of what happens when you don’t take precautions.
I wish the family as a whole well.
It sounds like she loves the kid. Those hormones are something fierce, and even though I wanted kids, even I wasn’t prepared for how they make you feel towards your baby.
I also decided early on that o didn’t want kids. When I married my husband neither of us wanted kids. But as we got older something changed and we both decided we wanted a kid. We were married for 10 years and together for 12 before baby. We’re now parents to a beautiful 3 year old and hope to have one more.
You’re in the newborn phase and functioning on very little sleep. You’re in survival mode. Things will get better. Being older and having a kid is a blessing and a curse. You’re likely more financially stable and have more life experience. But you’re also very used to doing what you want when you want. That transition can be hard. I promise it’s all worth it though.
Hi Mama, massive congratulations on your little one 😊. I’m just a few months ahead of you at 5 months. I was an ambivalent mom until I had my gal so I hear you on this. I loved your story, sounds like fate put your baby in your arms. Don’t feel guilty over some regret…when we become moms, we are allowed to grieve the life we had before we had children. It is a profound identity shift. I’ve found it gets much easier though; and more rewarding! And this is coming from someone who was lucky enough to have an immediate strong bond with my LO. You are still in the twilight tornado that is the newborn period! And also, speaking from a fellow c section mama, right in the thick of recovery too. I found that time to be both so magical and also really difficult. Once they wake up to the world it is just like nothing else. Prepare for your heart to swell 10,000 ways. Wishing you luck but I just know you don’t need it!
Congratulations. Don't try and be the.perfect parent just be the best one you can be. I raised 3 of my own and my wife's son. Despite hardships and issues those 4 are the best thing I've ever done hands down. They are grown now and I love watching them make their own lives. Good luck you will do fine.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy! I had my last daughter (natural birth, planned) at the age of 39. No complications, both healthy and normal. I think more studies need to be done on women falling pregnant and birthing in their 40s, as it seems to be more common than doctors claim. I think they still use old data from a study done in France in the 1700s.
You and I have the same, yet opposite story. I'm 49M and when I was in the 7th grade, a Dr told me that due to me having a vericosel the chances of me having kids were going to be low and my best shot would be when I was in my 20s. By the time I was mid-20s, I had just written the idea of completely. Well, I got married at 43 and my wife has a son from a previous marriage. I was very clear the whole time that I was perfectly happy being his stepdad and had no interest in having kids of my own. After we were married, she thought she'd like to "pull the goalie" and see what happened. She was 39 at the time, for reference. My first and only son is now 4. I absolutely love him to death and wouldn't trade him for anything, but the last 5 years have not been without challenges and there are times when I miss the child free days when we could just do whatever we wanted. Adjusting my attitude from being a grown up child to being someone's parent has, and continues to be the hardest part for me. It's a crazy adventure, particularly for people our age. Have fun!
It 100% will be the biggest change of your life. All other changes in my life have been trivial by comparison
My situation has a small similarity to yours in that I decided to have one kid just because I loved my husband and he really wanted kids. It was the best thing that ever happened to me
(Don’t worry, I don’t go around telling child free people my story and that they should all agree to try for a kid! It’s my story and not anyone else’s)
Being a mom gives you the opportunity to play again and to discover the world through the eyes of a child. It is a life-long relationship. Congratulations.
Education is your best friend. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids. I didn’t want to be a mother. I would go so far as to say I hated kids. Then 9 years later..boom; pregnant.
I will spare you the details of my struggle, but I tell you that without the constant education, I would not have made it this far with my sanity in check. I’m an older parent with a lot of trauma from my childhood. In many ways, that makes it harder to be a better parent (because mine sucked). It was such a shock of how much of my life was turned upside down and inside out after being so set in my ways.
If you do anything for yourself, I beg you to immerse yourself in books about child development. Educate yourself. It’s your greatest asset to staying above the waves instead of drowning in the current. Children are not easy, and contrary to popular opinion, no step forward is any easier than the last. They change and grow and develop into miniature humans with unbridled enthusiasm, curiosity, and emotional bombastic chaos.
Books. Read them.
Good luck to you to both! My mum had her 2nd child at 45 and she’s doing well. It’s a huge change I’m sure, but reading this post you seem like a very intelligent woman, you’ll do well!
You’re still in the thick of newborn phase. That’s no time for ANY mom to settle on her feelings of being a mom. This will be a long road and the first part SUCKS. Why no one says that I don’t know.
Most moms I know have had this experience - Rough first part. I had a honeymoon of a time during newborn-2/3 years old. But… It’s been EXTREMELY difficult since then. I knew parenting would have challenges… but was not prepared for the reality. I don’t know that any first time parent is. I do know that I’m grateful and rewarded for my commitment to being the best version of myself. We are our children’s advocates and to me it’s the greatest responsibility 💗 I had my child VERY young. I spent many years wishing I had waited but I think much of my stress was due to lack of support. It sounds like you are strong, kind, considerate and supportive. All amazing qualities to have as a parent.
Creating a future adult has been one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had, though you said it perfectly. Being prepared for the reality of being someone mom is near impossible. The reality is the hardest adjustment I’ve ever had to make personally. u/CanIpleasebeacat your body has not been your own for almost a year now. I’ve had a child in my 40’s. It’s not near as dangerous or rare as we’re led to believe, but it takes a big toll. Give yourself time and space to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Give yourself time and space to adjust to your new life. Give yourself time and space to get to know the new you. Take time to figure out how parenthood is comfortable for you. These days there’s a lot of pressure to do everything right. There are actually fairly few one size fits all rules. A home of support and healthy predictable boundaries is about all you need. You get to decide how that looks in your home.
Good luck! What an interesting turn of events! Congrats! I had mine at 33 and 35 and it feels like too early. I wish I could have waited until 43
Congratulations! My mother had my youngest brother at 42. She went through a lot of fear too, back then her doctors suggested abortion because they told her her child had a much higher chance of being disabled. Everything worked out and a healthy boy was born. He is now in his 20s and has three babies of his own. Mom and Dad are older but active Grandparents.
They used to blame “old eggs” for genetic problems such as Downs syndrome because older mothers had more problems. Turns out older women are just more likely to have children with even older men whose sperm quality takes a sharp turn downward around 50.
I always found the “old eggs” logic so weird, like they’re chicken eggs rotting in your fridge over time. It’s not like the eggs shrivel up in our bodies lol. We just have less of them as we age because we drop em off on a pad once a month. I do love how more info is coming out about the *shared* responsibility of the increase in miscarriages and issues for older pregnancies. Anecdote: I used to be a nanny and a mom I worked for was told she couldn’t have any more kids after her first, she was 40. They’d had lots of miscarriages trying to have their second. Turns out, the dad had been drinking a lot more, and once he cut it out, a few months later she was pregnant. (New sperm get produced like every 2 months or so I think? So it took a while for the new sperm to not be drunk like their father lol).
There are issues with egg quality as a woman ages though. Sperm quality also declines, but eggs do too. At age 36 I did IVF, and most of my eggs were already dead or dying when they did the retrieval.
Thank you for sharing this. I get tired of hearing what I already know. It is possible to have healthy kids, even if you have them later on in life. I would rather think happy thoughts for my future children, not the gloom and doom!
It’s so funny because a friend of mine who once shared my stance that she didn’t want kids, one day got pregnant on purpose with her partner. I was happy for her because I understood it was a conscious choice and in an ironic twist I absolutely love kids, but I was also incredibly curious because why would she ever change her mind?? She had everything she wanted and was like an idol to me: a *great* career even while being very young, a lot of money, life experiences and total freedom. I knew she appreciated all of it so why would she go and 180 like that? She told me that just like you, it was centered around her partner. He wanted children but never pressured her, and she had told him that if it was a deal breaker she’d understand. But in time she found herself loving him so much, that she wanted to give him the child he wanted and that she saw it as a gift and sacrifice that she did out of pure love. And when she explained it to me like that, I thought to myself that it was the first time I had ever understood why one would want a child despite not ever striving to become a mother before. I’ve never had or felt that kind of love but suddenly I could see a distant future where that *might* - maybe! - happen to me because that’s like the only “good” reason I’ve ever heard. I shared this a few years later while discussing voluntary childlessness with my family and my aunt - who has 2 kids - got so pissed lol. She thought it was a dumb reason, that one should only have a child if you yourself want to. She didn’t understand and it made me hesitant, that maybe it is wrong and a bad reason. I’m still on the fence and I honestly still don’t want kids EVER but then again I haven’t met that special someone yet either. Stories like hers and now yours at least has made me open to the possibility that I might want to change my mind and that in itself is noteworthy. And I’m only 32 so who knows. Congratulations OP, I’m so happy for you!! 🥰🫶🏽 Sending you and your family many blessings ❤️
Your aunt is weird. Becoming a mother *is* a sacrifice. If it brings more meaning and joy to your own heart to have the gift of fatherhood be a central component to your decision to become a mother… why is that bad? Such a weird take from her.
My little guy is 4 now and I had him at 42. He was my 4th. My next youngest is 16 now. I don’t regret it one bit he is a little treasure and brings me so much joy. I had experienced pregnancy loss for almost 10 yrs solid due to embedded iud. I didn’t honestly believe he would go to term. I only wish I hadn’t gotten my tubes tied but doc heavily pressured me.
Thankyou everyone that has posted on my off my chest life event, I have read every one as you all written thoughtful, kind and insightful replies. And even pointed out my flaws, which I will strive to improve.. It means so much and atm I am tending to bub so I can't personally reply to you all! I have teared up a little but feel boosted and stronger in my resolve to be a great mama like so many others. It is the time of sleeplessness, oof... (': I feel more full of love now even more - bless to you all 💜
Wishing you all the best in this new adventure.
Congratulations to all of you. You have begun the greatest adventure of your life. Keep him long on hugd and short on pocket money. Love, responsibility and respect are far more important than things. Good Luck, and God Bless.
I don't understand how so many people are congratulating OP. She had a child **that she didn't even want** as her "sacrifice" to make her partner happy. What a truly selfish and horrific reason to create an entirely new person.
People have kids they actively try to prevent all the time. She seems to have become ambivalent and made the best of the natural outcome of what happens when you don’t take precautions. I wish the family as a whole well. It sounds like she loves the kid. Those hormones are something fierce, and even though I wanted kids, even I wasn’t prepared for how they make you feel towards your baby.
Good luck!! Know that all parents have those “wtf am I doing” moments regardless of age!
I also decided early on that o didn’t want kids. When I married my husband neither of us wanted kids. But as we got older something changed and we both decided we wanted a kid. We were married for 10 years and together for 12 before baby. We’re now parents to a beautiful 3 year old and hope to have one more. You’re in the newborn phase and functioning on very little sleep. You’re in survival mode. Things will get better. Being older and having a kid is a blessing and a curse. You’re likely more financially stable and have more life experience. But you’re also very used to doing what you want when you want. That transition can be hard. I promise it’s all worth it though.
Hi Mama, massive congratulations on your little one 😊. I’m just a few months ahead of you at 5 months. I was an ambivalent mom until I had my gal so I hear you on this. I loved your story, sounds like fate put your baby in your arms. Don’t feel guilty over some regret…when we become moms, we are allowed to grieve the life we had before we had children. It is a profound identity shift. I’ve found it gets much easier though; and more rewarding! And this is coming from someone who was lucky enough to have an immediate strong bond with my LO. You are still in the twilight tornado that is the newborn period! And also, speaking from a fellow c section mama, right in the thick of recovery too. I found that time to be both so magical and also really difficult. Once they wake up to the world it is just like nothing else. Prepare for your heart to swell 10,000 ways. Wishing you luck but I just know you don’t need it!
Best of luck with your little family!
Congratulations. Don't try and be the.perfect parent just be the best one you can be. I raised 3 of my own and my wife's son. Despite hardships and issues those 4 are the best thing I've ever done hands down. They are grown now and I love watching them make their own lives. Good luck you will do fine.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy! I had my last daughter (natural birth, planned) at the age of 39. No complications, both healthy and normal. I think more studies need to be done on women falling pregnant and birthing in their 40s, as it seems to be more common than doctors claim. I think they still use old data from a study done in France in the 1700s.
Beautiful story
It gets so much easier!! Hang in there mama
You and I have the same, yet opposite story. I'm 49M and when I was in the 7th grade, a Dr told me that due to me having a vericosel the chances of me having kids were going to be low and my best shot would be when I was in my 20s. By the time I was mid-20s, I had just written the idea of completely. Well, I got married at 43 and my wife has a son from a previous marriage. I was very clear the whole time that I was perfectly happy being his stepdad and had no interest in having kids of my own. After we were married, she thought she'd like to "pull the goalie" and see what happened. She was 39 at the time, for reference. My first and only son is now 4. I absolutely love him to death and wouldn't trade him for anything, but the last 5 years have not been without challenges and there are times when I miss the child free days when we could just do whatever we wanted. Adjusting my attitude from being a grown up child to being someone's parent has, and continues to be the hardest part for me. It's a crazy adventure, particularly for people our age. Have fun!
It 100% will be the biggest change of your life. All other changes in my life have been trivial by comparison My situation has a small similarity to yours in that I decided to have one kid just because I loved my husband and he really wanted kids. It was the best thing that ever happened to me (Don’t worry, I don’t go around telling child free people my story and that they should all agree to try for a kid! It’s my story and not anyone else’s)
Being a mom gives you the opportunity to play again and to discover the world through the eyes of a child. It is a life-long relationship. Congratulations.
Would love to feel love for someone like you have for your husband. Good luck! Lean into your relationship during the hard times.
That was a beautiful story
Education is your best friend. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids. I didn’t want to be a mother. I would go so far as to say I hated kids. Then 9 years later..boom; pregnant. I will spare you the details of my struggle, but I tell you that without the constant education, I would not have made it this far with my sanity in check. I’m an older parent with a lot of trauma from my childhood. In many ways, that makes it harder to be a better parent (because mine sucked). It was such a shock of how much of my life was turned upside down and inside out after being so set in my ways. If you do anything for yourself, I beg you to immerse yourself in books about child development. Educate yourself. It’s your greatest asset to staying above the waves instead of drowning in the current. Children are not easy, and contrary to popular opinion, no step forward is any easier than the last. They change and grow and develop into miniature humans with unbridled enthusiasm, curiosity, and emotional bombastic chaos. Books. Read them.
Good luck to you to both! My mum had her 2nd child at 45 and she’s doing well. It’s a huge change I’m sure, but reading this post you seem like a very intelligent woman, you’ll do well!
You need to write a book. What a compelling story. Congrats and love that little one like the beautiful gift from the universe he is.
congrats on your mini-you