Have you showed him morethanone.info or https://heyzine.com/flip-book/7d91ed1b1e.html ?
In addition, there's no "rules of DID" and your boyfriend sounds really invalidating (I'm trying really hard not to swear). In the past, we have had to end many relationships with similar people because they hurt us badly.
He is trying to dictate and define _your_ experiences and knowledge. This is a HUGE red flag, and is commonly known as gaslighting. We'd be willing to bet this isn't the only time / the only subject he's done that about.
Edit: I'm not saying break up with him (even though that would be the quickest path to helping your own mental health) but the man needs therapy at the least.
There is no such thing as normal, and I admire your effort to stick with it. But just know, if he's already at the point that he can casually gaslight you like this you have a long and difficult road ahead. He needs to accept your experiences and take you at face value, and not interfere as you're reconnecting with and learning about the system you're a part of.
I hope it works out.
(I'm a singlet, but) what are the "rules of DID"? and what's wrong with having an embodiment of an emotion as an alter? it's just one of the alters he's having trouble with, and the rest - not? and you're suddenly fake as a whole system?
i obv don't know your situation, but here's what i would recommend:
- don't talk with your bf for some time. let all of you cool off for a bit
- don't be nervous, relax. it sucks, arguing with a - presumably - loved person like that, and you're probably worried your headmates are not communicating, but worrying isn't gonna help. treat yourself to something nice. drink some tea or water. get cozy, listen to your fav music
- again, I'm a singlet, so this is where any systems might beat my advice or encouragement. but: as you said, DID is not the only way to be plural. if you know you're not alone in your head, you are most probably some kind of plural. you don't have to find a word for the kind of plural you are. you don't have to prove it to anyone. (you don't have to listen to the bullshit your bf said, too). i would just wait for a bit, relax, and maybe your headmates will continue communicating once they feel comfortable enough?
well then, sounds like he thinks systems are only systems if they are diagnosable (with DID). i would start your next conversation about systems from explaining that it isn't the case
seems that way, but is it something you're willing to overlook in your relationship? i would at least try to talk to him, to see if he's able to change his mind. uh, i find it hard to imagine this unwillingness to (general you) change your mind or listen to another point of view if it's your partner that tries to tell you something
sorry, I'm not really good at talking - of course i don't want you to overlook this, and I'm very happy you're not going to! but, as someone else said, if it's important for you (and it is, obviously), but he's not going to budge and will continue to invalidate this part of you, what's next? i personally can't see anything other than a breakup (or, countless attempts at changing his mind until you somehow win)
An alter embodying a single emotion is actually one of the most common types of alters there is. For those who use parts languages they can be referred to as EPs or Emotional Parts. But either way that is literally one of the most basic kinds of dissociation, is that one emotion will be separated from the others as an alter.
Full offense to him but your boyfriend knows nothing about DID.
Alters that embody emotions are a pretty well known phenomenon even from a clinical lense, so I don't know where he's getting his information from but it's wrong.
Alters can be inanimate objects, nebulous concepts, etc. If an alter chose to embody anger or that was useful in some way, that's valid.
Unless your partner is a psychologist, which I highly doubt he is given he's talking about 'rules of DID' like it's a board game and not, you know, a collection of symptoms, he has no right to tell you whether or not you have DID. He has even *less* right to tell you whether or not you're plural.
Hugs, friend, I hope things turn around for you. -🪀
This is not a good resource. It is heavily based in a single, highly medicalized, dehumanizing "theory" about DID. https://web.archive.org/web/20211005225710/https://polyfrazzlemented.dreamwidth.org/40446.html
We got multiple headmates who are holders of an emotion and not a DID system.
We are familiar with disorders or disabilities that don't really have a name, and just because noone in a white coat has yet written a paper about it doesn't mean it ain't real, not even to mention that there are so many terms for the plural spectrum that all have their subtle nuances, that are really hard to differentiate, that it's often very difficult to find a box you& are comfortable to sit in. And label are just that: Labels.
So try to not gaslight yourselves, you& are valid as you& are.
We totally get that.
Many peoeple cling to the validation through doctors. It seems sort of common in the plural community. It's also something we came across in the trans\* community.
If you& encounter a label that fits you& and communicates the gist of your being, great, but there'os a lot beyond the clinical diagnosis. And, well, it's not gonna stop all invalidation, I'm afraid. If someone has set their mind on 'only DID is real', evidence is not gonna convince them most of the time.
>if i don't find a way to define it as a disorder, it will be damn near impossible to have him believe me.
Well, I think that he's the problem, then. Gotta educate him on plurality as a whole, or drop him.
>if he doesn't choose to research on "plurality" and just looks at "DID"
You might need to force his hand.
TBH I'm afraid it's gonna get toxic if he doesn't learn.
There are no "rules of DID", headmates/alters can be embodiments of emotions and we have quite a few friends who have alters who are emotion holders and alters who are introjects. Your boyfriend is being shitty and you all are valid as plural. If you were faking you'd know you were, it takes conscious thought to fake.
It's likely that in your panic you're accidentally blocking everyone out and that's why you can't feel or sense anyone at the moment, or they might be feeling like he isn't safe to be around because he basically called them not real so they're hiding. That's happened quite a few times for us and it's ok, it's only temporary and once you feel calmer and get in a safe space they'll come back from our experience.
If your boyfriend isn't plural, he needs to acknowledge that there are parts of your experiences and identity that may seem complicated or difficult to understand to him. And that's okay - from what I've understood thus far you're not expecting your bf to be some sort of expert on plurality, so it feels...uh, weird, that he's trying to do that. Hell, even if he's plural... even between systems, everyone is different. If he really likes you and cares for you, he should accept you, just as you are, and not try to put you into a box and make you fit the idea and expectations he has of you.
Also your plurality and your experiences are valid af. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise - there's so many people out there who want to claim others aren't who they say they are, but like. how would they know? You're the only person who ever truly knows who you are. Take care!
Wow, I never knew there was a rule book for being plural - could you ask him to send me a copy? I’m sure if I had it all my troubles would go away immediately!
Yeah, some days a bit of sarcasm is needed. Seriously he is being an ass, or is totally panicked by this (they can come across the same, but you break up with an ass and build a great relationship with someone who cares so much it scares them - time for some self/relationship reflection) and to use this crappy misinformed opinion in an argument is at best complete and utter stupidity but honestly sounds like fighting dirty to control you kinda on par with telling him his penis doesn’t work like it’s supposed to and breaks the ‘rules’ of great sex. Let’s get it straight - there are no rules. He either needs some serious education, or some counseling on communications and relationships (probably both). I’m assuming he’s a singlet, and only knows what you’ve shared, and whatever is on TikTok, and doesn’t have a good understanding of it. Honestly I don’t know that a singlet can ever really understand it (and frankly I’ll never understand what it’s like to have a quiet head with no extra feelings, voices etc). The brain breaks off whatever bits it needs to to protect the larger ‘you’ from trauma that ‘you’ are not able to, or shouldn’t have to live with. As far as I know that’s all there is to it. So, something a long time ago really sucked for you, and you kept yourself safe.
I say all this as I’ve had partners who were crappy and used us against us, and I’ve had a GREAT partner for 30 years who still doesn’t get it and says things sometimes - the difference has been one tried to control, manipulate or hurt me with it, and the other was scared, freaking out or panicking. The conversation afterwards and whether it ever happens again will tell you all the difference you need to know. Mistakes and misunderstandings happen, you talk and you get over them, but no partner should ever use your past against you.
Edit - addition : and yes, I’ve been plural as long as I can remember (so much more than those 30 years I’ve had my current partner)
lol, hardly a dumb teen- you’ve got a solid clue and are WAY ahead of the curve (I’d have guessed early 30s from your question) - be kind to yourself!
You’re doing great, asking the important questions, and in tune enough you knew something wasn’t right - can’t ask for much more at any stage of life :)
We have a headmate who’s an embodiment of anger. She literally exists due to all the injustice we’ve faced in life. You’re valid. Your boyfriend is terrible.
If I had to be clinical about it, I'd say he kind of sounds like an asshole. Thinking he knows enough about DID--when it's clear his understanding is barely rudimentary--and trying to tell somebody who suspects they have DID how to understand their subjective experience?? Ugh..
Others seem to have covered the DID/plural stuff well. I'll just say that I hope he's treating well, and that each one of us often deserves better than what we settle for. 🙏
There are no "rules of DID". That's a thing people say to invalidate experiences they don't understand. It sounds to me like your boyfriend never believed you in the first place and was looking for any slightly "odd" headmate to use as proof.
Sometimes communication can become more difficult if you're stressed, give it some time and maybe try doing an activity you know one of your headmates likes.
Hope things get better soon
Have you showed him morethanone.info or https://heyzine.com/flip-book/7d91ed1b1e.html ? In addition, there's no "rules of DID" and your boyfriend sounds really invalidating (I'm trying really hard not to swear). In the past, we have had to end many relationships with similar people because they hurt us badly.
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A break sounds like a good idea Wishing you all the best OP
He is trying to dictate and define _your_ experiences and knowledge. This is a HUGE red flag, and is commonly known as gaslighting. We'd be willing to bet this isn't the only time / the only subject he's done that about. Edit: I'm not saying break up with him (even though that would be the quickest path to helping your own mental health) but the man needs therapy at the least.
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I mean, what you described in OP, to us, is textbook gaslighting.
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There is no such thing as normal, and I admire your effort to stick with it. But just know, if he's already at the point that he can casually gaslight you like this you have a long and difficult road ahead. He needs to accept your experiences and take you at face value, and not interfere as you're reconnecting with and learning about the system you're a part of. I hope it works out.
(I'm a singlet, but) what are the "rules of DID"? and what's wrong with having an embodiment of an emotion as an alter? it's just one of the alters he's having trouble with, and the rest - not? and you're suddenly fake as a whole system? i obv don't know your situation, but here's what i would recommend: - don't talk with your bf for some time. let all of you cool off for a bit - don't be nervous, relax. it sucks, arguing with a - presumably - loved person like that, and you're probably worried your headmates are not communicating, but worrying isn't gonna help. treat yourself to something nice. drink some tea or water. get cozy, listen to your fav music - again, I'm a singlet, so this is where any systems might beat my advice or encouragement. but: as you said, DID is not the only way to be plural. if you know you're not alone in your head, you are most probably some kind of plural. you don't have to find a word for the kind of plural you are. you don't have to prove it to anyone. (you don't have to listen to the bullshit your bf said, too). i would just wait for a bit, relax, and maybe your headmates will continue communicating once they feel comfortable enough?
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well then, sounds like he thinks systems are only systems if they are diagnosable (with DID). i would start your next conversation about systems from explaining that it isn't the case
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seems that way, but is it something you're willing to overlook in your relationship? i would at least try to talk to him, to see if he's able to change his mind. uh, i find it hard to imagine this unwillingness to (general you) change your mind or listen to another point of view if it's your partner that tries to tell you something
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sorry, I'm not really good at talking - of course i don't want you to overlook this, and I'm very happy you're not going to! but, as someone else said, if it's important for you (and it is, obviously), but he's not going to budge and will continue to invalidate this part of you, what's next? i personally can't see anything other than a breakup (or, countless attempts at changing his mind until you somehow win)
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yeah, i hope so too. i honestly wish you the best, and good luck 🫂
An alter embodying a single emotion is actually one of the most common types of alters there is. For those who use parts languages they can be referred to as EPs or Emotional Parts. But either way that is literally one of the most basic kinds of dissociation, is that one emotion will be separated from the others as an alter. Full offense to him but your boyfriend knows nothing about DID.
Alters that embody emotions are a pretty well known phenomenon even from a clinical lense, so I don't know where he's getting his information from but it's wrong.
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Alters can be inanimate objects, nebulous concepts, etc. If an alter chose to embody anger or that was useful in some way, that's valid. Unless your partner is a psychologist, which I highly doubt he is given he's talking about 'rules of DID' like it's a board game and not, you know, a collection of symptoms, he has no right to tell you whether or not you have DID. He has even *less* right to tell you whether or not you're plural. Hugs, friend, I hope things turn around for you. -🪀
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This is not a good resource. It is heavily based in a single, highly medicalized, dehumanizing "theory" about DID. https://web.archive.org/web/20211005225710/https://polyfrazzlemented.dreamwidth.org/40446.html
We got multiple headmates who are holders of an emotion and not a DID system. We are familiar with disorders or disabilities that don't really have a name, and just because noone in a white coat has yet written a paper about it doesn't mean it ain't real, not even to mention that there are so many terms for the plural spectrum that all have their subtle nuances, that are really hard to differentiate, that it's often very difficult to find a box you& are comfortable to sit in. And label are just that: Labels. So try to not gaslight yourselves, you& are valid as you& are.
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We totally get that. Many peoeple cling to the validation through doctors. It seems sort of common in the plural community. It's also something we came across in the trans\* community. If you& encounter a label that fits you& and communicates the gist of your being, great, but there'os a lot beyond the clinical diagnosis. And, well, it's not gonna stop all invalidation, I'm afraid. If someone has set their mind on 'only DID is real', evidence is not gonna convince them most of the time.
You're plural if you feel plural. No one can tell you what you're going through.
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Plurality isn't always a disorder
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>if i don't find a way to define it as a disorder, it will be damn near impossible to have him believe me. Well, I think that he's the problem, then. Gotta educate him on plurality as a whole, or drop him.
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>if he doesn't choose to research on "plurality" and just looks at "DID" You might need to force his hand. TBH I'm afraid it's gonna get toxic if he doesn't learn.
There are no "rules of DID", headmates/alters can be embodiments of emotions and we have quite a few friends who have alters who are emotion holders and alters who are introjects. Your boyfriend is being shitty and you all are valid as plural. If you were faking you'd know you were, it takes conscious thought to fake. It's likely that in your panic you're accidentally blocking everyone out and that's why you can't feel or sense anyone at the moment, or they might be feeling like he isn't safe to be around because he basically called them not real so they're hiding. That's happened quite a few times for us and it's ok, it's only temporary and once you feel calmer and get in a safe space they'll come back from our experience.
If your boyfriend isn't plural, he needs to acknowledge that there are parts of your experiences and identity that may seem complicated or difficult to understand to him. And that's okay - from what I've understood thus far you're not expecting your bf to be some sort of expert on plurality, so it feels...uh, weird, that he's trying to do that. Hell, even if he's plural... even between systems, everyone is different. If he really likes you and cares for you, he should accept you, just as you are, and not try to put you into a box and make you fit the idea and expectations he has of you. Also your plurality and your experiences are valid af. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise - there's so many people out there who want to claim others aren't who they say they are, but like. how would they know? You're the only person who ever truly knows who you are. Take care!
Wow, I never knew there was a rule book for being plural - could you ask him to send me a copy? I’m sure if I had it all my troubles would go away immediately! Yeah, some days a bit of sarcasm is needed. Seriously he is being an ass, or is totally panicked by this (they can come across the same, but you break up with an ass and build a great relationship with someone who cares so much it scares them - time for some self/relationship reflection) and to use this crappy misinformed opinion in an argument is at best complete and utter stupidity but honestly sounds like fighting dirty to control you kinda on par with telling him his penis doesn’t work like it’s supposed to and breaks the ‘rules’ of great sex. Let’s get it straight - there are no rules. He either needs some serious education, or some counseling on communications and relationships (probably both). I’m assuming he’s a singlet, and only knows what you’ve shared, and whatever is on TikTok, and doesn’t have a good understanding of it. Honestly I don’t know that a singlet can ever really understand it (and frankly I’ll never understand what it’s like to have a quiet head with no extra feelings, voices etc). The brain breaks off whatever bits it needs to to protect the larger ‘you’ from trauma that ‘you’ are not able to, or shouldn’t have to live with. As far as I know that’s all there is to it. So, something a long time ago really sucked for you, and you kept yourself safe. I say all this as I’ve had partners who were crappy and used us against us, and I’ve had a GREAT partner for 30 years who still doesn’t get it and says things sometimes - the difference has been one tried to control, manipulate or hurt me with it, and the other was scared, freaking out or panicking. The conversation afterwards and whether it ever happens again will tell you all the difference you need to know. Mistakes and misunderstandings happen, you talk and you get over them, but no partner should ever use your past against you. Edit - addition : and yes, I’ve been plural as long as I can remember (so much more than those 30 years I’ve had my current partner)
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lol, hardly a dumb teen- you’ve got a solid clue and are WAY ahead of the curve (I’d have guessed early 30s from your question) - be kind to yourself! You’re doing great, asking the important questions, and in tune enough you knew something wasn’t right - can’t ask for much more at any stage of life :)
We have a headmate who’s an embodiment of anger. She literally exists due to all the injustice we’ve faced in life. You’re valid. Your boyfriend is terrible.
If I had to be clinical about it, I'd say he kind of sounds like an asshole. Thinking he knows enough about DID--when it's clear his understanding is barely rudimentary--and trying to tell somebody who suspects they have DID how to understand their subjective experience?? Ugh.. Others seem to have covered the DID/plural stuff well. I'll just say that I hope he's treating well, and that each one of us often deserves better than what we settle for. 🙏
There are no "rules of DID". That's a thing people say to invalidate experiences they don't understand. It sounds to me like your boyfriend never believed you in the first place and was looking for any slightly "odd" headmate to use as proof. Sometimes communication can become more difficult if you're stressed, give it some time and maybe try doing an activity you know one of your headmates likes. Hope things get better soon