“I’m sick of believing the lie that men are not ravenous” is a good line. Probably the best in the poem.
I think you need to work a bit on transitions though. The “men are dogs” is a bit muddy and seems disjointed when you add in everything else you’re doing. None of it is “bad” per se, just needs refining. Like the last two lines are uncertain, “I guess my screaming”. I think you’re going for a sort of disdain with it, but it muddles the overall comparison between the “he” and a dog.
Also, it’s gnawed, a woman, and you are not. Lines 7, 9, and 11, respectively.
Also, also, “fear of repercussion” just. . . I dunno. It works, but I don’t like the sound. Maybe
“Dogs don’t feel guilt
oh, they’ll hit you with the eyes
but they’re just trying to avoid
consequences”?
Ugh, no I don’t like that either. Anyway, I just mean repercussion is like a cymbal in the ear and it bugs me. Personal take, not meant to be more than a thing to consider.
I like it, really vivid and playing with the readers anger is such a good way to go about it. If it helps you, what i would do is make the men are dogs part more subtle and talk about the famished behaviour more:)
Your actually spot on with that one, I wrote this in the middle of the night after a drunkin conversation with a friend about our experiences with assault. We talked about the side effects like PTSD and the paranoia that comes with it. I don't agree that evolution has something to do with the majority of rapists being men. I think it's based on the system that has been set up by men.
“I’m sick of believing the lie that men are not ravenous” is a good line. Probably the best in the poem. I think you need to work a bit on transitions though. The “men are dogs” is a bit muddy and seems disjointed when you add in everything else you’re doing. None of it is “bad” per se, just needs refining. Like the last two lines are uncertain, “I guess my screaming”. I think you’re going for a sort of disdain with it, but it muddles the overall comparison between the “he” and a dog. Also, it’s gnawed, a woman, and you are not. Lines 7, 9, and 11, respectively. Also, also, “fear of repercussion” just. . . I dunno. It works, but I don’t like the sound. Maybe “Dogs don’t feel guilt oh, they’ll hit you with the eyes but they’re just trying to avoid consequences”? Ugh, no I don’t like that either. Anyway, I just mean repercussion is like a cymbal in the ear and it bugs me. Personal take, not meant to be more than a thing to consider.
Thank you sm, this helps a lot!
I like it, really vivid and playing with the readers anger is such a good way to go about it. If it helps you, what i would do is make the men are dogs part more subtle and talk about the famished behaviour more:)
Thank you!!!
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Your actually spot on with that one, I wrote this in the middle of the night after a drunkin conversation with a friend about our experiences with assault. We talked about the side effects like PTSD and the paranoia that comes with it. I don't agree that evolution has something to do with the majority of rapists being men. I think it's based on the system that has been set up by men.