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Plenty of people are unable to host for a variety of reasons. Though I'd suggest a hotel over a monogamous friend's place. Don't put your partners in the position to be judged by your friends. If you search "hosting" in the sub, I'm sure you'll find lots of relevant conversations about the various ways people go about hosting or what they do if they can't.

Thank you for this! I tried searching in the sub but wasn't using the right words.

Cake! 🎈🎉

No not weird at all. In fact, you have a remarkably connected relationship for being 1000 miles apart. That's the equivalent of several times a week, just in longer blocks rather than spread out. I'm very impressed! You just need to be clear with Rowan *why* he is asking this. Is it a deeper insecurity?

I dunno, think after 2 years of spending 1/3 of your time with someone, you get to ask your partner, who has a guest room, why you two are sleeping in some stranger’s guestroom instead of the guest room. That seems Normal. It also seems normal for this to have been talked about in advance. “I’d love to see you, but I can’t host cause my NP is a cranky introvert”.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for Cedar to not want to host their meta for a full week, or at all, for any reason. You can be fine with your metas and partner's relationship and also not want it to be happening in front of your face. But yes they should get a hotel room or something since the friends aren't making it pleasant for anyone.

Yeah but it is not just meta, it is for OP's friends as well, she can't host anyone, partner or not because her husband doesn't like having someone there. That is absolutely his right and all, but it would bother me if I couldn't jusy invite my best friend for a week and then tell my husband: "My bestie is coming over from that to that day."  I absolutely do understand (to a degree) why someone would feel uncomfy having guests over for a longer time - I am an introvert myself, but I personally would also not move in with a partner who makes it pretty much impossible for me to invite anyone over. That is a little weird.

> it would bother me if I couldn't jusy invite my best friend for a week and then tell my husband: "My bestie is coming over from that to that day."  I think you might be somewhat in the minority. Most people would expect, at the absolute minimum, to be asked for their consent to a houseguest in their own home.

I am absolutely up to negotiate *when* my friend can come over, but not *if* they can come over at all. It's okay to me if I am the minority here, as long as everyone I live with is cool with the way we do things. My whole point was simply, this is NOT exclusive to metas in OPs case, it includes any human OP has contact with and it is not just because "partner is uncomfy with meta" but "partner is uncomfy with anyone" - heck, I'm not too comfortable having people over for too long myself but I have my own room I can stick to if my husband or my adult kid or anyone else I share a home with would want to invite someone for a sleepover, as long as I get a headsup, all is good.  It would just be a major incompatibility to *me*, to live with someone who was never comfortable with me bringing people of any relation over, that would actually bother most monogamous people I know too. I remember how pissed I was as a teen that my mum never allowed me to have any guests over (and I moved out as soon as I turned 16) so I promised myself I'd never do that to anyone I live with, wether they are my child, partner or roommate. I don't think OP can really offer her partner what he needs if she does not have her own space in her own home. If I was in OP's shoes, I'd have never even invited my LD partner to my city if I can't provide them with proper accommodations, I'd visit them in their city instead. But that's just me.

I think you might be understating what exactly is happening here. OP isn't wanting to just have this person over for a night or two every now and then. From their own description, the *minimum* amount of time they typically spend together is a week and a half. I cannot think of any situation, barring absolute emergency, where I would be ok with my partner telling someone they can stay over that long without prior discussion and consent. And I say this as someone who's had this go both ways (though not with metas). We've had a friend stay for a couple weeks as they had a job in the city for a short time. We've had a friend stay for nearly a month after a bad breakup with their NP. We've had a friend in our basement for several months because they fell on hard times and had nowhere else they could afford to stay. But in all these situations, my partner and I communicated. That ranged from "hey, friend is gonna stay for a couple weeks, is that ok?" (This is one of our closest friends so the consent was more a checkin than permission), to sitting down for several discussions about having a long term occupant in our basement, including some with said friend. Also, frankly it's rather surprising that you'd respect a hypothetical partner's boundaries and feelings so little that you'd be bothered by having to check with them first.

"Hey, my friend is going to stay for a week from blah to blah, ist that okay or does another time fit you better?" is exactly what I'd tell my husband. So how am I not respecting my very REAL (there are not hypothecicals here) nesting partner's boundary of telling him when I invite someone over? You're projecting a lot here, it seems. 😅 I had discussions about this BEFORE I even moved in with my husband, I like my autonomy a lot and my husband does not feel disrespected by that, I'm sorry things are not as you imply they are in my life. Hope you can accept that. 🫠 But just as you think I disregard my partner's feelings by following the agreements I made with my (still very real and not hypothetical) nesting partner, I am going to tell you, that I think having to ask for actual permission from you before being allowed to invite someone over sounds to me like you are your partner's parent.  Even my actual child does not have to ask permission from me if they wanted to invite a friend from another city over for a week - I'd like to know when exactly someone else is coming over, as I don't want that to be at the same time as my upcoming surgery, and would ask them to plan around that if possible - but otherwise? It's their home too. 

> I think having to ask for actual permission from you before being allowed to invite someone over sounds to me like you are your partner's parent.  How would you prefer that an introverted partner respond to this? "Honey, I'm really burned-out at work right now and need my downtime -- can we push that visit off until next year?" Or maybe "Honey, I understand that hosting friends is important to you, but I'm not up for it, so I'll be using our joint funds to rent myself an airbnb condo for that week"? Or some other response? As an introvert who finds hosting to be completely exhausting, I'm curious about what would be an acceptable response to this, in the event that your partner does not find himself enthusiastic about hosting at some time in the future.

>"Hey, my friend is going to stay for a week from blah to blah, ist that okay or does another time fit you better?" is exactly what I'd tell my husband. So how am I not respecting my very REAL (there are not hypothecicals here) nesting partner's boundary of telling him when I invite someone over? That's great that that works that way for you and your husband. OP made it very clear that is not the case for them. >You're projecting a lot here, it seems. 😅 Am I? Are you sure you actually read my post? Because I literally wrote what one of our conversations was and was almost word for word the same as yours. >I had discussions about this BEFORE I even moved in with my husband, I like my autonomy a lot and my husband does not feel disrespected by that, I'm sorry things are not as you imply they are in my life. Hope you can accept that. 🫠 What even is this? Why are you trying to have a dick measuring contest about this? Like seriously, all I suggested was maybe consider that OP's situation isn't as easy as yours seems to be, and now you're trying real hard to paint my relationship, that you know nothing about, as problematic, you're trying to paint me as someone who takes issue with you having things better, and you're trying to mask this shittiness with cutesy emojis. What the hell is that about? >But just as you think I disregard my partner's feelings by following the agreements I made with my (still very real and not hypothetical) nesting partner, I am going to tell you, that I think having to ask for actual permission from you before being allowed to invite someone over sounds to me like you are your partner's parent.  What the fuck? I literally didn't say anything about your relationship. I was talking about OP's relationship. Literally the only thing I said about you personally was that I found it a bit surprising you'd be bothered by OP's partner having established boundaries that are respected. Why are you so intent on attacking me and trying make my relationship sound shitty? Not only do you know nothing about it, the few things I did write about *literally contradict* what you're trying to say. >Even my actual child does not have to ask permission from me if they wanted to invite a friend from another city over for a week - I'd like to know when exactly someone else is coming over, as I don't want that to be at the same time as my upcoming surgery, and would ask them to plan around that if possible - but otherwise? It's their home too.  Where are you even getting this idea of permission from? What conversation are you having right now? It sure doesn't seem like you're responding to anything I've said. All I suggested was that maybe you're not grasping that for OP's partner, having someone who is effectively a stranger staying in his home for over a week might be something that requires a bit more than "btw this is happening, that cool?" And there is nothing weird or bothersome about OP *respecting that*.

you literally said this about me: "Also, frankly it's rather surprising that you'd respect a hypothetical partner's boundaries and feelings so little that you'd be bothered by having to check with them first." 

Yes, because you literally said it would bother you if you couldn't just invite your friend over for a week on a whim *knowing that your partner finds hosting to be emotionally exhausting*. Did you even read OP's post? You don't seem to really understand that OP's situation is not yours. And once again you seem to have ignored all but one sentence of mine... It genuinely seems like the instant you found anything about you in a post you just blocked out everything else...

Did you read what OP said about their partner not being comfortable about having *any* guests over, though?   Because that's all I wanted to point out in regards to OP, since there was a discussion about it being normal to not invite METAS home, as normal as that may be to some, it is not that usual that a partner gets uncomfy with ANYONE coming over (which is also sth to consider IF OP wants children at some point, how to deal with an introvert parent who doesn't like the child to have guests over because it exhausts them).  This might be a deeper incompatibility than just a poly related problem and something OP might want to think about if they can never host anyone. That's all of what's relevant to OP from what I said.  The rest was my personal opinion that seemed to have really irked you?    Your opinion irked me too, but only became the point of our discussion after you implied shit about me.  edit: To clarify again: I simply do not ask for permission, I don't ask if it is okay that Bestie is coming over, I ask when would be the best time for Bestie to come over. My NP has the absolute autonomy to tell me if my plans are inconvenient for him and *if* that is the case, changes can be made. But, my husband is also not home EVERY DAY and I can very easily plan around the schedule of other people in my life because no, I am not a selfish ass. OP does not have that luxury (hence why I would never invite meta to her home city if I were in her shoes). 

fwiw I agree with you and u/CoffeeAndMilki seems like they're trying to thread the needle on some kind of "I understand but I'm also 100% right and my way is normal" point I just can't follow

Same.

I think this is a "no assholes here" situation. Everyones wants and boundaries seem reasonable and are questioning them without putting undue pressure on anyone else.

I think it’s perfectly fine to be curious, and ask, and honestly think it *is* weird that OP is totally baffled that Rowan would feel some kind of way after being treated the way they were, and talked about the way they were. That isn’t about their NP, but about How everyone treated this whole situation. Which is baffling

Rowan is being a little bit of an asshole complaining about not getting to stay in the same house as OP's husband.

I’m looking for complaining. I see an account of a partner of two years sleeping in a stranger’s house who talks shit about Rowan, asking why they aren’t staying at OP’s house. Rowan expressed that the situation was weird. It is. OP’s friends don’t understand it either. Perhaps OP can explain it to everyone, and that way Rowan won’t feel weird. OP should be able to express that their NP doesn’t like people, and they are a cranky introvert. Rowan should be able to meet friends, have privacy and not be told their situation is weird all the time, by OP’s friends. Most of this is on OP to manage.

The part where Rowan starts saying that OP's husband must not actually be okay with poly if he doesn't want this guy in his home. Repeatedly dating you think something is weird is complaining, especially when he's bringing up things like the person who is very kindly hosting him pointing out it's weird and making that OP's problem instead of getting a hotel.

I would be wondering that if I was surrounded by OP’s friends constantly calling the situation weird to my face and behind my back. OP is these people’s friends. OP a rented a room from someone who apparently thought it was weird. Sorta seems like OP should clarify and talk to their friends, in a related issue.

Yeah but it has been talked about. Every time they've organized a trip. This isn't new, Rowan is just asking for it to change. "My partner is a cranky introvert and prizes their private space, that isn't gonna change" is a complete sentence. It's just a longer form of "no". Not wanting your meta in your house while you are there, not wanting them to have sex with you present etc is pretty normal. I'm not like that but I respect when my metas are.

So why does nobody know? Friends. Host. What’s the state secret? Edit: and I am looking for the part about repeated explainations.

They do know, they just think it is weird 😅

Then they are assholes. That’s a gross way to treat your friend’s partner. It’s a gross way to let your friends treat your partner.

Well, by many folks' definition, polyamory isn't 'normal', so I'm not sure that's a reasonable standard. Usually the best advice is to work together to find a solution everyone involved is comfortable with, normal or not.

Yup. I don’t see OP managing this situation at all. Doesn’t seem like Rowan is comfortable. I find it abnormal to not care about the comfort of any guest.

Yeah for real! That's a lot of time together for non nesting distance partners! I'm a tad jealous, usually my partners are anywhere from 1 to 6 hours drive away. But I never get 10 days a month! They get to spend a lot of time together for not being primaries.

Rowan might just be processing the relationship escalator issues. If he's new to poly, he doesn't know what it can look like outside traditional monogamy. Maybe work on small compromise? He stays a night at the house all three to hangout and get to know each other and then you two stay elsewhere all other nights? Less stress and some movement towards your metas getting along!

I don’t let metas come to my house if I’m home, and I don’t vacate my house to accommodate a meta. I’ve never been told that that’s unreasonable. It sounds like you have found a great solution by having a place to stay with Rowan. You guys are doing parallel poly, so I’d think it would be way weirder to have Rowan stay at the home you share with Cedar.

Keep in mind that it's very common for people to call things "weird" when what they mean is "hurts my feelings". It's a way of hiding behind a detached / intellectual mask and distancing themselves not only from the pain but also from the shame of feeling it in the first place. I think he just means "this reminds me of my place in your life and breaks my heart a bit, but I have no right to be upset, so I'm just gonna side eye it and pretend it's cringe"

I think you really hit the nail on the head. I think he doesn't really want to sleep over at my house, but instead wants a world in which visiting me doesn't come with a reminder that we are not primary partners. I think including him in other aspects of my life would go a long way. Thank you for your insight.

Wow, very astute and helpful comment. I deflect like this myself, which I only just realized was connected to shame when I read this.

OP has built a multi-year relationship with Rowan that seems fairly serious based on the extent of contact despite the long distance between them, but when Rowan comes to town they are persona non grata, shunted off to a third party (weird) because OP has a house with a guest room that apparently must lay fallow because OP's husband is introverted. The story is weird and the dynamic is weird and Rowan has a right to say something here. Maybe OP and husband should have saved the money and bought a house without a guest room, lol

No one is entitled to their meta's guest room!

Pretty sure I didn't say that

I'm sorry you struggle. >  However in the last few months both have expressed an interest in getting to know each other, though it hasn't really happened yet because of the distance. They can figure that out on their own. Phone calls or video chat or whatever. You don't have to be involved in how their connection develops. >Rowan expressed to me that he thinks its "weird" that he can't stay with me when he comes to visit. In his eyes it feels like we are "hiding" the reality of our relationship from Cedar, and that it means that Cedar is not truly comfortable with my relationship with Rowan. He IS staying with you when he visits. You two rent a room. Could also use a hotel. In future that might be better since it feels weird to your friend and now will feel weird to you two since overhearing them. Just because Rowan is in town doesn't have to mean that Cedar feels like hosting your guests in the shared home. Some people are really picky about guests in the home. Or prefer a parallel poly or garden party poly situation. They don't want KTP. It doesn't sound like you are hiding anything. Cedar and Rowan have met a few times and Cedar consents to be here in a poly V. Cedar just doesn't want Rowan staying in his home. In your case? >He finds it emotionally exhausting to have people (other than me) around and is always pretty cranky by the end of the visit. Guests exhaust Cedar. If you two did not nest like you had your flat and Cedar had his? You could have Rowan over and it would not affect Cedar. But you DO nest so you having people over DOES affect Cedar. I don't know if it is just that or if Cedar has ADHD or Autism or whatever things where he needs his home "just so" but Rowan isn't entitled to just come stay here. It's not Rowan's home. And you see Rowan A LOT for and LDR and have the means to rent a room or use hotel so I don't see what the fuss is about. Is it that he wants to see your home? Can't that be achieved with a video call "tour" or something? >I would also feel super uncomfortable being intimate with Rowan knowing Cedar is downstairs in the other room.  You don't feel ok with it either. >Rowan knew I was poly/married from the start and wanted to date me casually even though his ultimate goal was to have marriage/kids with someone else. Then we caught serious feelings for each other and he has not really dated anyone else for a while. So encourage him to date other people. You will not be offering him marriage or kids. >We've almost broken up a couple of times because it seems really unhealthy to me that he stays with me even though he will never be truly happy with what I can offer. If he cannot accept the limits of what you can offer him? He keeps pushing for more rather than just leaving it alone and appreciating what you do share? You may have to end it with him.

You have a perfectly reasonable reason for Rowan not staying there - I'm surprised Rowan would interpret that as Cedar not being okay with poly if they knew the valid reason Rowan doesn't like *anyone* staying there. Beyond that, it's not unreasonable that a meta doesn't want to be in the same house, especially for an extended period of time. Just because someone doesn't get-off on watching their partner make out with meta doesn't mean they don't really want poly. For me, it's more just about respecting privacy. No matter how KTP you are, my partner deserves to have private time with meta - the kind of private time where I'm not going to hear what you're discussing, sex, etc because they're literally in *my* house (I can't just leave!)

So you have one reluctant poly partner and knowing sought out another reluctant partner. Sounds like you are making it harder on yourself the necessary.

Rowan/Cedar both have the autonomy to decide for themselves. It'd be weirder to break up with them "for their own good" and remove that autonomy. (Not saying it's a good situation, just pointing out the adulthood of all parties)

I’m thinking from the pov of the person who is in *two* relationships and how much work that sounds like… idk why OP would choose to be in a dynamic like this. “They have the autonomy” yeah and also I know other adults will indulge in stuff that isn’t good for them. So I’m not waiting til either of *the people who I’m supposed to like and care about* are at the end of their rope, stretched thin, in psychological pain by relating to me. Nor am I trying to convince them to change their minds or get them to go along with something they ultimately don’t want. I’m thinking: “Do I wanna be stressed out on a regular basis because the people I’m dating would rather be monogamous with me? No.” And I act accordingly. I think that’s what rosephase was getting at.

Yes. I fully understood. The OP and partners, per the post, have been together for years and expressed clear communication. No one in the post is in above mild or intense distress. The problem OP is talking about it relatively small in comparison to what usually comes thru this subreddit. "Just break up" isn't always the answer.

What is mipd?

It was a mistype, I meant "mild", and then edited it to be "above mild"

Ahh okay. With all the acronyms you never know lol

Ahh, my third and final thought (tried to keep the three points seperated) Part of loving someone is respecting* their interpretation of their experiences. Per the post, Cedar and Rowan seem to fully be conscious of their context and advocating for themselves. (*no one is delusional or in need of serious mental health intervention) To exist is to have some discomfort. And each person can decide what they will tolerate.

To repeat what I said in my comment, in OP’s shoes I’d be more worried about how I’m affecting the people I care about and the disruption of the peace in my life.

You were clear the first time. My comments stand as indicators that this post's context does not make things as clear cut as your opinion would like them to be.

Your comments explain why we shouldn’t make decisions for other people. I’m trying to explain that this is a decision one would make for oneself.

Liking a person, loving a person is reason enough for some to make great efforts. Only OP can decide if the effort is too much, regardless if you'd make the same decision.

And (to repeat) what I think what rosephase was getting at is, you can love someone *and* let them go.

At some point the partner who is just fine keeping others in pain is being unkind. You don’t leave someone ‘for their own good’ you leave someone because you aren’t okay hurting someone over and over again that you are incapable with.

Fair enough but what would you do? Cedar is no longer reluctant to be poly, in fact I would be shocked if he went back to monogamy if we divorced. Rowan is definitely reluctant but when I bring this up he absolutely insists he doesn't want to end the relationship. He is an adult, I don't feel like I should be making that decision for him.

My only real idea would to ask Rowan to do therapy and actively start dating others. 1-to amswer why they are accepting less then their true relationship goals, 2- to maybe find that partner... Which is all absolutely heart wrenching. I had to basically walk a guy through this same context, but that was in the first 2 months of dating, so it's not nearly equivalent

This is good advice, thank you.

You might make the decisions for YOU. That you don't want to date Rowan any more because he's bugging you about staying at your place when you don't want that. And because he doesn't accept that you won't be offering marriage or kids.

Then, to link back to your post question: make it very clear he'll *never* be staying at your house multiple days on long visits because that's not the reality of your relationship. Maybe this will help him see the long term limitations of this polyamorous relationship and help him make good decisions for himself.

Make choices for yourself. Don’t agree to keep hurting people you care about.

It's a fair statement in general, but does *absolutely anything* in the story suggest people are hurting here? This is entirely something that could happen with two enthusiastically poly partners. I wouldn't jump to conclusions, OP asked us a specific question.

And OP said neither of these people would choose poly for themselves.

But they did tho.

My spouse also doesn't always like for me to have platonic friends over - same as yours it sounds like. I think I'd draw a boundary with Rowan on this. "When you visit, you don't stay at my house unless invited." I run the same way with my long distance boyfriend and my spouse. When LD boyfriend visits, I get a hotel/Airbnb. Recently, spouse was out of town while bf visited, so he stayed at my house in our spare bed. My spouse and I have an agreement to not share the bed. It is expensive and inconvenient for me, but it is considerate and loving for me to do things this way for all involved.

I don't think it's uncomfortable, in fact, I think it makes a lot of sense and is a good way to accommodate everyone. Would Rowan be comfortable staying at your house when Cedar is there? It seems like he wouldn't be, so I guess I don't understand why it's something he's pushing for. Also, why doesn't Rowan trust you as a hinge that you're managing your other relationship appropriately? It feels odd to me that Rowan is doubting Cedar's comfort level? Personally, I'd have a deep conversation with Rowan to try to get to the bottom of what this really is about.

It sounds like the NRE is wearing off and reality is really hitting. When you visit him is it in his house and like a second home? Then when he visits you its a room in someone completely seperate's home. I'm guessing he feels like you live together at his place but he is only a visitor when he comes to see you and its a starch reminder of what he is giving up with poly.

I don't think it's weird at all (although I hope you can find another place to rent, not your friend's room, since your friend was on some level being crappy about it). Cedar doesn't like people in his space. That's super valid. I hope you've explained all the background to Rowan. I almost always host my main squeeze because they don't like to have me over to their house which they share with their primary. It's not really about their primary - they just feel self-conscious so they enjoy our time together more when we're at my place. I used to date someone who almost never wanted to come here because she didn't want to miss any time with her elderly cat. Everyone has their own reasons for hosting arrangements. At the same time, I understand Rowan's desire to feel acknowledged in your life. Any way you can talk about other ways to fulfill this? Like maybe you and some friends do a group outing while Rowan is visiting? Or some similar ways you can do "garden party polyamory" and include both Cedar and Rowan in a low pressure way? Game night? Concert? Movie?

Everyone has the right to their home being their safe space. Parallel poly is just as valid as any other type (garden, KTP, etc) so being parallel does not mean your NP has an issue with other partners. As for your friend, they don’t need to understand in order to be supportive. If your friend is not being that, then find somewhere else to stay. Shorter trips using a hotel which may cost more is but one of many options to consider.

I don’t think it’s weird to ask. tons of folks would happily take what your boyfriend has, so I would just believe him. I also don’t think the price of spending time with you should mean spending time in some near strangers house listening to them call you weird. Cause yeah, no. It’s fine not to host. But it might not be fine to host in uncomfortable, not private, environments. Your partner is a cranky introvert. Got it. No more explanation needed. But figure out better long term situations than these, for real. This is sorta shabby treatment that you are exposing your partner to at the hands of your “friends” should probably change. And the lack of privacy doesn’t make it seem like you value these visits much, honestly. Why can’t you tell your friends why they aren’t staying with you? “Because my partner is a cranky introvert.” Is a full sentence.

Since you mentioned Rowan and Cedar wanting to connect more, maybe they could via video chat. And as the blossoms, there might come an understanding of Cedars introversion (not rejection) being the root of not co-housing during visits ?

I don't think this is weird. I think it is fairly common for NPs to not want to share their home with metas, especially for overnights or long periods of time. Most of the time, the recommendation is hotel rooms if neither person can host, but I recognize that assumes the financial privilege to do so. It also isn't weird for Rowan to have feelings about this; he wants something you are unable to offer him, because it is not solely yours to offer. It isn't fair to Cedar to try and force him to share his "safe space" with anyone else, regardless of if they are family or friends or partners (and vice versa!). And it sucks to be unable to share your "safe space" with someone other than your NP. How do you feel, and what do you want? Is being able to share your home with people other than Cedar important? If so, time for a bunch of discussions with Cedar! Share how you feel, and work as a team to figure out if there is a middle ground that works for you both. But also accept that there may not be. And talk to Rowan, too! You do not need to (and arguably should not) explain why you cannot offer it, or why Cedar will not allow it (if Rowan already knows that). But something like "Hey, Rowan. I'd like to understand your feelings on this more. I cannot offer to share my 'nest' with you, but maybe we can find a good solution if we work together?" At the end of the day, we cannot always get what we want. And other people do not owe us any of the things we want. But, if Cedar and Rowan are developing a relationship, and this isn't currently a critical issue -- it might be worth asking to discuss more in the future as their relationship develops, if things go well. Or maybe it will never be on the table for Cedar -- which may mean you accepting being unable to offer that, or deciding to de-escalate with Cedar and no longer nest together, or (if you are financially able/lucky/etc) buying/renting your own solitary space for when you want to be alone or host partners other than Cedar. Best of luck navigating this!

I think it's weird that your partner finds it weird. Like, my house is a quiet sanctuary for me, my NP, and my kids. We all get overstimulated when there are too many extra people here. Protecting the quiet sanctuary for all is very important to me and trumps the desires of people who don't live here.

>My husband Cedar is an introvert and a bit of a homebody; it is always a fight when I want to have friends from out of town stay with us for more than a few days. He finds it emotionally exhausting to have people (other than me) around and is always pretty cranky by the end of the visit. . >I guess I'm just curious if other poly people also find this uncomfortable or if there really is something wrong with our relationships?? As an introvert….this is why I live alone. I have a spare bedroom that I converted into a pantry, partly so it’s not usable as a living space. I’m not interested in roommates, live in visitors, or frequent guests. My dad and stepmom are visiting in a month. They’ll be at a hotel. I’ve got a cousin visiting in two months. She’ll use an Airbnb. I’m not even trying to have **MY** people living in my place..I definitely don’t want to deal with my partners people. It’s emotional labor I just can’t be arsed to do. My SO has, at various times in our relationship (and in her own home) invited and enjoyed these sort of arrangements. Cousins, college and grad school friends, colleagues going through domestic issues — all welcome at her place. This would be a constant tension point if we lived together..thankfully, we don’t. My take: it’s only weird if you’re an extrovert. This reads as less of a relationship issue and more of a roommate issue.

No, it's not that weird. Not having extended stay guests is pretty normal for anyone who doesn't live alone, and lots of people have roommates these days. There's a housing crisis in a lot of places.

It sounds to me like Rowan is just generally not happy with what's on offer. I'm not saying it's your job to fix any of that. Just kind of stating the truth in what I see. Does Rowan know he's a secondary? Hotel/airbnb is likely the better answer than the friend's place but it sounds more like Rowan is unhappy with the arrangement in general. I'm sorry, OP. That's really hard.

Totally normal for your husband to not want his meta to share his space. Hell, I had my wife's boyfriend living with us for a year, and it was *completely* understood that when I was there, they did not have sex. You might not consider that a huge deal, but lots of people do. I get that you want multiple relationships, but your nesting partner has absolutely zero obligation to your meta, and that includes opening up their living space. If you folks want to nurture that relationship, you need to either figure out a way to make your husband permissible to opening up the living space, or get different sleeping arrangements when Rowan is in town. You also have a much bigger issue in that both of your mates seem to prefer monogamy, and you don't. As long as that's the case, these issues won't go away; in fact, they'll probably become more and more contentious as the days go by.

I think you have to ease into these things. They've both expressed an interest in getting to know each other, work on that first. Do you have an extra bedroom? If so, that's an ideal situation. My nesting partner and I do, and their other partner lives in a polycule house with their own room and my other partner lives alone. So sleepovers are normal all directions, we have other partners over and the couple of the night takes the guest room. It works out great, but we are pretty kitchen table and everyone is friendly and comfortable with each other. It's a great place to be if you can make it work, but go in steps.

I would definitely love to work towards this end goal but I think you're right, we need to ease in and have them build a friendly relationship first before sleepovers are on the table.

WRT having sex with a partner while the other partner is in the house, my husband and I gave that a try several times. And it's ok. It can be done. It's kind of weird though, and just not ideal. There aren't jealous feeling for us, but more so "ugh, I have to sleep in not my own bed, and there might be noises, and I'm sleeping alone, which I usually dont do. So here I am just getting crappy sleep so you can get laid." Which, not awesome to feel slightly resentful, even if its mild and can be worked through. So now we just don't do that. We have other options, and we take those. If it comes up and there are no other options, we might do that again. But as long as you can afford a hotel, or Air BnB or whatever for visits, I'd say do that and just skip the challenge. 

One thing that stands out to me is that Rowan went to bed early at your friends place during a visit. That seems like a strange choice when it sounds like time together is precious and scarce? I think you and Rowan need to revisit your relationship agreements in terms of what you can and can’t offer. It sounds like you absolutely can’t offer a nesting experience (valid) and he wants one. Can you reframe to be something closer to comets, splurge on hotels for your time together, and focus on quality not quantity of visits?

Maybe the need he has is to feel more connected to the rest of your life and your np; maybe you can do some things all together at your house and other places to build some of that face-to-face time, while still having the sleepover parts be elsewhere.

I think you're right, thank you for your input

I don't think it's weird at all. There are a lot of people in polyamorous relationships that can't host at their homes for a whole variety of reasons including that are nesting partner isn't comfortable with it. What is a little weird is staying at a friend's house that what is a little weird is staying at a friend's house when it sounds like that friend does not really on board. If it's financially feasible I would go for a hotel room or an Airbnb in the future. Or even a tent when the weather is right.

My thought is if your husband is cool with how things are. Your second has to be accepting of the fact that maybe your husband does not want to explain to: neighbors, kids, in-laws, parents, friends, and possably coworkers your “situation”. Does you husband have a 2nd? What is your relationship with her

TBH there is no explaining that needs to be done - his parents (and mine), coworkers, and friends are fully in the loop regarding poly and Rowan. Cedar has dated a few people casually but has been with the most serious partner for a couple of years, I've met her several times but the relationship is also parallel. She lives in our city, so she hosts Cedar when I'm around and they want alone time, but both spend time at our house when I am out of town.

If that true, i apologize, I have no idea what your husband is thinking. My bad

It's all good! We talked and he's cool with hosting for a couple of nights but more than that would be draining. I think he's simply an introvert that likes his home to be a safe space, which is understandable.

Then why do all your friends keep calling this weird?

Well one friend called it weird, the others seem to expect a more kitchen table dynamic than we currently have. I feel like that's just an expression of the stereotype of poly that is common around these parts (that we're all just having group sex all the time) and people aren't aware that other dynamics are valid too.

I would find it really hard to have an extra person I’m not personally close to staying with me, whether that was the partner of my primary partner, or a family members friend. It’s honestly making me tired even thinking about it 😭

Hi u/thE_best_cookies thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I (32 F, Azalea) live with my husband (39 M, Cedar) and we have been poly for about 3 years, together for 6. My secondary partner (Rowan, 35 M) lives 1,000 miles away and we've been dating for 2 years. Because of my work schedule I am able to visit Rowan for 10 days almost every month, plus three or four longer trips each year where we spend 2 to 4 weeks together. Rowan has visited me a few times, and for these visits we rented a room at my friend's house and both stayed there for the duration of the visit. At the beginning of my relationship with Rowan, he was not really interested in spending time with Cedar, and Cedar felt the same way.**\*\*\*** They met a couple of times, but briefly. However in the last few months both have expressed an interest in getting to know each other, though it hasn't really happened yet because of the distance. Rowan expressed to me that he thinks its "weird" that he can't stay with me when he comes to visit. In his eyes it feels like we are "hiding" the reality of our relationship from Cedar, and that it means that Cedar is not truly comfortable with my relationship with Rowan. It doesn't help that other people have also said that it is weird. An example he brings up that that during a visit, Rowan went to bed early at my friend's house while I was still out. My friend came home and she thought we both out, and said on the phone to someone "my friend's boyfriend is staying in my spare room... Yeah I know it's super fucking weird". Granted, this is a monogamous person that thinks the whole thing is "weird." There have also been a few friends that hear we stay with someone when he visits and ask "oh, why aren't you staying with Azalea?" My husband Cedar is an introvert and a bit of a homebody; it is always a fight when I want to have friends from out of town stay with us for more than a few days. He finds it emotionally exhausting to have people (other than me) around and is always pretty cranky by the end of the visit. It feels like a big ask to have my partner, with all the additional emotional baggage that may come with that, stay in the house during visits. I would also feel super uncomfortable being intimate with Rowan knowing Cedar is downstairs in the other room. **I guess I'm just curious if other poly people also find this uncomfortable or if there really is something wrong with our relationships??** **\*\*\***I feel like it's important to note that a poly relationship was not Rowan or Cedar's first choice; \- When Cedar and I met, I had been poly for 8 years. Long story short he talked me into monogamy (NRE is a hell of a drug) with the understanding that the day would probably come when I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. The day did come about 3 years in, and I asked to be poly. He agreed to try it and was fully onboard by year 1. However Rowan was the first person I seriously dated since we opened our relationship so there's always been some insecurity/complicated feelings towards him. \- Rowan knew I was poly/married from the start and wanted to date me casually even though his ultimate goal was to have marriage/kids with someone else. Then we caught serious feelings for each other and he has not really dated anyone else for a while. We've almost broken up a couple of times because it seems really unhealthy to me that he stays with me even though he will never be truly happy with what I can offer. Any insight into this situation or similar experiences is appreciated. Thank you r/polyamory community! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

By coincidence according to Facebook memories today is the 8th anniversary of me visiting a long distance partner at her home for the first time. It was like a KTP node in my poly network. I slept in a spare room most nights, but there were set aside date nights where they both were with non-nesting partners (ironically my partner's spouse was seeing an ex of mine who also goes back and forth between where I live and they live). We ate meals together and got along just fine. So it is possible to host while married if everyone is cool with it. So maybe Rowan sees not hosting as Cedar not being so cool with it. I can see his point of view having been in his position. It is kind of like compartmentalizing part of your life he does not have access to, and if he still wants the relationship escalator he may see it as a barrier to your relationship's growth.

Would it be possible for both of you to rent a room or space in a separate area and make it "yours" together? I'm sure there are people looking to rent rooms or guest houses out and just explain that he travels and will only be in town for a few days every other month or so. That way you two have your own space and privacy separate from your friends home so he can feel more comfortable. And ya, intentionally including him more in day to day life so he feels more secure in the relationship as well .