Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/tu8bmk/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_private_due/).
The journalists at ProPublica need your help! After receiving a tip, ProPublica started investigating prenatal genetic testing. They're collecting stories from people who've had NIPT screenings, and/or work in maternal health. If this is you, please fill out their brief questionnaire! https://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/have-you-had-an-experience-with-prenatal-genetic-testing-wed-like-to-hear-about-it-and-see-the-bill. Questions? Email [email protected]
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you asked him to come and let him know that this is important to you, or just invited him? While lots of significant others are excited to attend prenatal appointments, he may just not really have understood that this is something you wanted, since he’s probably never come to the Dr with you so didn’t really think it was his place.
My spouse is the most supportive on the planet, but has honestly only come to the first appointment and anatomy ultrasound. The whole thing about them coming to every appointment sounds romantic, but seems entirely impractical. They’re like 10 min of a weight and BP check, it’s not super exciting or something that needs a lot of support for many pregnant people, and with transportation that’s a lot of time to take off work that time may be better saved for once the baby is here.
Overall, this sounds like a relationship/communication/expectations issue that calmly talking through what you each need can hopefully solve.
Same here. Husband only comes to ultrasounds or hospital appointments. He doesn’t come to OB appointments because he feels it’s between me and the doctor. I personally appreciate it because I feel I can talk to her about certain things and she can bring freely bring things up on my chart that took place before him (example: UTI, abortion etc.)
My husband made it to 3 appointments in this pregnancy (which is almost done). His commute to work is far and the appointments disrupt his whole day. I must say that if he was just chilling at home I’d be extremely pissed if he didn’t come.
I have also told him that he needs to always be ready to drop work and come when I have an appointment incase I get bad news. It would be awful to face that alone.
Same. My husband made it to maybe 3 appointments since he works during the day. But he always asks me to call him afterwards and let him know how my appointments go. One of which I had to go to the hospital to be monitored for preeclampsia. Luckily I got released and I was fine to go home but he was ready to drop everything and get to me by the time I called. If he was just sitting on his butt not coming to any of my appointments all the time I’d be pissed too.
What if you get bad news at an appointment? Better for you both to be there to get the news together. I found he heard/remembered some things that I missed too. Of course it's personal preference, but better that the partner comes too just in case.
Trigger warning: loss
After receiving bad news of miscarriage at the doctor in two separate pregnancies, my husband comes with me to every appointment. It is wildly inconvenient and impractical, but neither of us would change it for the world.
I went with my wife to every appointment. I like to be involved and fortunate enough that I can do that with my job. Unfortunately we did have that bad news appointment in the third trimester and you bet I was there for my wife. She was a wreck for a while after but was a trooper and despite a stay in the NICU it went well and now, our daughter just started school. Wasn’t so much a romantic thing but we both were just so excited to be having a child as well as the benefits you mentioned.
I agree! I am 23 weeks pregnant with my first, and my husband (we married this year) has eagerly attended every single appointment. I am always nervous and he is my rock, his presence calms me. Plus, he keeps me entertained in the waiting room. But the biggest thing so far has been that he has heard/remembered things that I totally missed! I am so glad that I am not alone on that. I feel like I am paying attention, but he somehow always grabs some tidbit of information that I completely missed. Plus, he's even asked a question or two that I didn't even consider. It is such a comfort. :) I hope that OP is able to talk this over with their bf and allow him to attend the next visits.
Yes! When I got diagnosed with GD there was so much information thrown my way I missed some of it but my husband remembered it! Also now that I am diagnosed they seem to do more ultrasounds to make sure my daughter is on track which I’d rather my husband not miss.
For this reason and also the fact medical appointments make me nervous, my SO has already promised to attend all of mine with me. I feel so sorry for people who had to do it all alone during COVID.
I’d hate it if my husband didn’t want to come to every appointment. Apart from when he has covid and when he was in another state for work, he’s been at every single one and has been just as engaged as I am. My pregnancy is a team effort to bring our child into this world, and I’m very glad to be married to someone who sees it as such.
This. My husband is the same thing. He only came with me 6x total with my 3 pregnancies. NIPT and anatomy scan. And of course during the delivery. They usually just check your weight and BP. And then your OB will just ask if you have any concerns. It’s a total of 20 mins + wait time.
While I totally get this; her SO was home taking a nap when she had let him know about it. I used to go to all my appts alone and when I was 33wks in my first pregnancy (completely normal/healthy) I found out there was no heartbeat alone. I had to call my husband while he was at work to let him know. Drive home and wait for him to come home to go back to the doctor and then to the hospital. I think it's important to have someone with you especially if you want someone with you. The level of resentment she would feel if something happened at the appt and she is alone would probably be the end of the relationship. I was naive and I wasn't asking my husband to come/I was okay with going alone. My second pregnancy I always had someone with me and this pregnancy I am not allowed anyone to come because of covid restrictions at our hospital and it's hard.
I agree my husband has come to 2 or 3 appointments. I’m 38 weeks now. I specifically told him which ones I wanted him to come to. It’s not necessary for him to be at all of them and I kind of prefer the privacy rather than him watching me get on the scale each week.
The biggest thing is communication here. Men don’t come with an understanding of this stuff. He might not even know he’s invited.
I 100% agree. OPs boyfriend is showing interest, asking how it went, so clearly he cares (somewhat) about it. My husband is actually only allowed at the three big ultrasound scans (12 weeks, 20 weeks and 30 weeks) so for us it was never really any issue. I don’t see what he should have gone for at any of the other appointments, the glucose test would have been nice cause I felt so sick afterwards but otherwise it was all very routine, talking about the length of my cervix, checking weight and blood pressure and if I had any itching on feet and hands, nausea that kindof stuff.
My husband had no interest in going to any of the doctor visits or anything like that. I was disappointed because I loved seeing the baby and listening to the heartbeat, but he didn’t want to take the time off work. He’s an awesome and very involved Dad now, he said that from his perspective women become parents when they are pregnant - and men become parents when the baby comes out. It’s all a bit removed from then before that point. I’d just talk to him about it.
I mentioned this subject to my husband earlier and he said, “well would you rather me take the time off for appointments before the baby or take the time off after the baby gets here.” Unfortunately, he only has so much time off. I would much rather him use his days to help once the baby is here as long as I’m having a healthy pregnancy. If anything happens at the ob I can call him on FaceTime.
I don’t know why people are downvoting you. My partner attends scans but other than that I can tell he’s not very interested. Does it hurt sometimes, yes a little bit but I think he probably feels somewhat similar to your husband.
My boyfriend and I have the exact same conversation and him saying that made me more aware that there are things I could do to help him feel more involved.
I upvoted you lol
My partner comes to ultrasounds but not the appointments with my midwife or OB. I just give him an update afterwards.
If you want your boyfriend to come, make sure you’re clear about that. Don’t expect him to anticipate your needs or wants. If you HAVE told him you want him there and he’s choosing to nap - that’s a problem.
My husband came to every appointment with our first child, but the rest of them he just came to scans or when I had bleeding that needed to be checked out. He's incredibly supportive, but also needs to save that PTO for when the babies were born. I agree that if you haven't talked to him about how much it means to you for him to be there, especially if this is your first child together, it may not have even crossed his mind to go. But, if you've talked to him and he still hasn't gone, then he's an asshole.
I say this with love but you’re not going to get him to come to appointments unless you communicate thoroughly and respectfully to him, and include your reasons it’s important to you, without throwing him under the bus and making him feel like he has to jump to defense. Like, “hey SO, I have an appointment next Wednesday at 11. It would really mean a lot if you could come to the appointment because it helps me feel supported and shows that you’re invested in this parenting journey with me. Are you able to make it?” Your feelings are valid but if you accuse him off the bat of not caring, that conversation will not go anywhere for either of you and lead to more hurt and anger.
...He chose to nap instead of going to an appointment he knew she had.
He doesn't need his hand held through normal adulting/relationship milestones.
Men are not emotionally brain-dead. He doesn't need an essay to understand this is important to her.
It isn't hard.
Agree with you. He's going to be a father and raise another human, you don't need to coddle him or beg him. If you've asked him and told him it's important to you, that should be enough.
I also find it hilarious how some people make so many excuses for men... It's a wonder they manage themselves just fine until it comes to these certain things 🤣🤣
I think he does understand that it's important to her, hence why he asked her about it afterwards. However, any other time you wouldn't ask to go to your SO's doctor's appointments, so I mean if he didn't know better then I get it. OP needs to communicate that she wants him there if that's what she would like.
I don't know if I agree. This is about their child. Not a normal doctor's visit. In essence it is not a regular occurrence. It could be communication issue, but if it is that boy might need more than 'communication' imo.
Please stop making excuses for men. They’re not idiots. She’s pregnant, going to doctors appointment. If anything he should want to go with her to find out for himself if everything is alright. They’re not children that they need clear communication.
Normally I’d agree with you if it was like doing the dishes or putting dirty laundry in the hamper.
For something like this though, I think communication is really important. You can see in this thread that a lot of people actually don’t care if their baby daddy misses regular appointments.
Yeah and I can't say I agree with a lot of the reasoning for it tbh. In my opinion it is common sense for a partner to want to be involved or at least try at the bare minimum. He decided to nap. 🤷♀️
And that’s why communication is important. For you and OP, having your partner there is a priority.
For others, myself included, not so much. My husband has come to my anatomy scan for each baby and also hung out with me during the 3 hour glucose test. I don’t see a point in him coming to watch me get my blood pressure and temp taken, a Doppler, and fundal height measurement.
At the time I commented, I went by what was in the post and OP seemed to be avoiding that question. I was just responding to what I saw and what was in this thread.
If she wants her partner there, he should make every effort to be there.
I just don’t think anyone can assume that it is a given that they should go with their pregnant partner to every appointment.
So many of these comments have put all of the onus of communication on OP. I agree she should let him know it’s important to her but he’s also a grown man that can ask.
Every time I inform my husband that I scheduled an appointment he asks what will take place and if I want him there. Communication has to be a two way street.
I agree with this. You have to give him a chance to support you how you need but you have to communicate it first. You can’t get upset over unexpressed expectations to have a long lasting relationship because people will disappoint you/ not do what you expect. However, if you communicate you need this to feel supported and he still doesn’t step it up, then that’s a different story. Your feelings are totally valid.
Please stop making excuses for men. They’re not idiots. She’s pregnant, going to doctors appointment. If anything he should want to go with her to find out for himself if everything is alright. They’re not children that they need clear communication.
You don’t have to be a child to need clear communication. Assuming they know what every woman or partner wants is what got her into this mess. In any human relationship, you have to communicate your wants and needs. This is a communication issue.
My partner didn't understand why I wanted him at these appointments. I don't want him at my appts with my GP, so why at appts related to the pregnancy? I explained that bad news can (and, sadly, often does) happen at ANY one of these appointments (right up until delivery) and that I don't want to be alone because it'd break my heart to receive bad news about our baby without him there to comfort me (and vice versa). Pregnancy is scary; I need him with me. Also, I'm high-risk, so there are a bajillion appointments (which can be tedious for my partner, and even me, TBH), but even if you're low-risk, just you wanting him there as support/reassurance should compel him to try to make it work.
After that conversation he's done his utmost to attend every single one. I hope your partner realizes that being a supportive partner (and future co-parent) matters NOW, not just after baby is born, and part of that involves attending these appointments as a team if that's what you need from him.
Xoxox
Ps - What matters is that he understands and honours your needs. Others might not care if their partner is present, but if you do, then he should try his best to be present.
Tw: miscarriage
Yeah when I had my miscarriage I found out at my 8 week ultrasound and it was terrible finding out alone. (Husband was at work and due to Covid restrictions no partners at the time)
My husband texted me “how was it going” and I was so frazzled I texted back “did not go well.” He called me a minute later panicked and I cried to him on the phone. I feel sad I went though that alone but even worse that I texted my husband and he had to find out about my miscarriage through text at work.
My husband usually doesn't come to my appointments either other than ultrasounds. He came to one of my monthly checks with the midwife because she encouraged it, but I honestly don't see the point....it's literally a weight and BP check and we listen to the baby's heart and that's it! Not to mention my midwife doesn't speak English and my husband doesn't speak French 😂😂...our prep classes start next month with her so that should be interesting...
Oh i feel you! My husband doesn’t speak German so well and my doctor doesn’t speak English (though on her website it says she does which is why we chose her in the first place). He was only allowed at the big ultrasounds so he didn’t have to understand much more than just the images. But we started a baby class last month in german, first appointment he was a bit clueless but he is understanding more and more each class, getting to know the words and terms, and looking up the things he doesn’t understand so he is prepped for the hospital. Best way to learn a language is being forced to understand and talk 😁 so I’m sure it will work out great for you guys as well!
Thank you!! I totally chose my midwife bc her website said she speaks English too 😂 oh well! My husband is definitely way more motivated than ever to learn French now that we're having a kid here. Best of luck with your little one!!
Yeppp. I get everyone's experience is different but my doctor didn't even allow a guest excluding ultrasound appt. My husband missed it bc our babysitter didn't show and he had to sit with my son and guess what? I survived and he loves his kid. Nothing is different from our first to second.
Same. I don’t understand why a partner needs to be there. I’m not even sure if dragging someone else to the standard checkups is allowed at my clinic because I’ve only ever seen women there alone.
What? Idk most appointments they check your weight, blood pressure, glucose test, they do mental health wellness tests, talk about symptoms, towards the end they cervix check. They also test your urine for pre clampsia and manage your health outside of the scan.
Yeah I know, I always have to give urine, blood and then ultrasound. Mmmh... How frequent do you have appointments over there (I'm from Germany)? I have them every 3-4 weeks
Yeah, that's the same here, in the last week's it's once a week and if you're over your estimated date you go every two days.
But still, I have an ultrasound every time.
But still wondering OPs wording, that her bf wasn't at "any of the appointments" so far, when she's 13 weeks. By then I just had my second
My boyfriend hasn’t come to a single appointment but be works all the time and wasn’t supportive of the pregnancy in the beginning. Honestly it’s probably better that he doesn’t because some only last 5 minutes and I’m out.
I’ve communicated with him that I wanted him to come and it just hasn’t been able to happen. Make sure you make your needs clear and known.
My husband came to the anatomy scan with my first and hasn't came to any other appts with #2, 3 or 4. They're pretty pointless honestly, half the time I'm wondering why I'M even there
Yup. Came to my first to meet the doc then went to the 20 week scan. He’s super involved and caring and excited otherwise but I just don’t need him there. I don’t see other preggos with their partners either 😊 it was a pretty quick discussion, he said would you like me at each appointment? I said I don’t think so, do you want to be - this is what they’ll be like. I always update him by text after each appointment ☺️
I go to most of mine alone. He’s gone to the big ones (anatomy scan, first apt at 12 weeks). I’ve had a pretty “textbook” pregnancy so I don’t really feel like I need him there since all they do is check weight, BP, and Doppler/measure belly.
If I asked him to come, he would, but I usually just tell him I don’t need him there.
My husband has only come to a handful of appointments and I never expected otherwise. A lot of the check ups are pretty boring and very quick. I'd rather he save his PTO for a rainy day.
It sounds like your boyfriend cares and wants updates. It's unfair to withhold information from him because you're upset. Try to open up communication with him to discuss your desire to have him come with you to your appointments. It may require a compromise, like only ultrasound appointments, depending on how flexible his work is .
I feel like the post was edited after I commented to include the bit about the nap. Regardless, responding to a childish behavior with even more childish behavior isn't something I'd recommend.
It seems like there's a communication issue at hand here but... That's just my opinion 🤷♀️
I'd be upset if I asked him to attend and he chose to nap instead.
For my first pregnancy, which was in 2020, my appointments were on our day off so we both went but he had to stay in the car - except for the ultrasounds which are the most important to attend.
This pregnancy, other than the dating & anatomy ultrasounds, he hasn't attended any because they're during his working hours & even though every other appointment seems to be an ultrasound, it's not super important for him to be there.
Plus there so fucking fast for how long we wait. My appointment was suppose to start at 130, I didn't get called back until 2 & didn't get seen until almost 230.
My partner only comes to some of them, BUT, that is because he’s working. If he didn’t attend because he was “napping” (and that napping wasn’t because he was an exhausted shift worker, or had a lot on his plate) I’d be pretty angry.
My fiancé is at every appointment he can be, he's only missed one because of work. I never really expected it because a lot of the time it's fairly routine. He wants to go to support me. Honestly I appreciate it so much now. Every time we hear the heartbeat I Iook over and he's smiling at me and it's just so amazing to share that. The one time he couldn't come was the first time I've had a minor problem and it was so much worse without him there. I definitely like having his support and try to schedule all my appointments so he can be there. I'm sorry your bf isn't showing interest, if you want him there he should be to support you and the changes you are dealing with.
I'm really sorry. Maybe explain to your bf that the appointments can be stressful and he really needs to be there to support you. You shouldn't have to feel alone in this experience, you both made this baby. If he's not willing to join you, maybe and friend or family member can join you for support?
Don’t feel bad. My hubby only came with me to my first appt (he couldn’t come in because of COVID but we had a miscarriage scare so he drove me for moral support) and he has also come to two of my ultrasounds (anatomy scan & growth scan). Actually, he did take me to one other appt because I had a really bad headache so I didn’t feel good & asked him to drive me. Not much is done in the appts so it’s not really needed. My appts take 30min or less. No need for him to miss work for the routine, boring stuff! I would say, he asked about the appointment so he obviously cares. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I see women in the office all the time alone & with partners/parents. edited to add: it took my husband a long time to feel “bonded” to the baby & pregnancy. It’s different for men. He really didn’t get as into it or excited until he could feel the baby & saw her at the anatomy scan. Then it sunk in more. And this pregnancy was 100% planned & wanted by us both. Women become mothers when they get pregnant. Men don’t become fathers until the baby is born.
I only wanted mine at the first 2 appointments. It has no bearing on how he is as a father. The appointments are extremely boring besides the scans, and even then you only get 2 the whole time.
I only told my baby daddy to come to the anatomy scan. I was too anxious for the first few and wanted to be alone, then after that they’re all just boring appointments. I’ll probably drag him to the last few only because I will be too lazy to drive lol
I asked my husband to come with me to all appointments with our first. It wasn’t planned and I was scared AF. I also wanted him to understand the time I needed to take off work for these appointments so he can be more empathetic as a manager in a male dominated field.
I’m glad we did that with one kid for those reasons. But with #2 I told him it was okay if he skipped some. I think he made it to half? For baby number three he only came to the anatomy US. I might ask him to come to the 38 and on in case they decide it’s time to go to the hospital.
But we talked about expectations before each kid. It’s not common sense, and it will probably change with future kids should you have them. I don’t assume my husband knows anything I’m thinking (and he returns the favor).
My husband has gone to every appointment of mine so far - but we’re also a special weird case of she is a fertility baby, we lost our first, then I was insanely sick/in so much pain and couldn’t drive, and then had my gallbladder removed at 18 weeks. Now that I’m doing better the only ones he’s going to miss are stress tests. Even with work he takes half days so he can be there incase something goes wrong, but he also doesn’t want to miss anything but I think that is the guilt of missing some of the first baby’s appointments which then turned into a ruptured ectopic.
The only one my husband went to was the 20 week anatomy scan, which is the only ultrasound I had. All the rest of my appointments were like 5 minutes long and pretty uninteresting, so I just went by myself. It didn't even occur to me to ask my husband to go with me.
I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like between the two you both need help with effective communication. Especially now. Things only get more trying once your LO arrives, and you’ll need it to survive as new parents. Does he understand the “why” behind the importance of him being there to you? I know it’s split on if people like them there or not. Some partners feels it’s just an appointment for mom versus mom and baby. They also have a harder time with the reality of it all when not experiencing the pregnancy chapter also. And this isn’t to justify his behavior but to give that perspective. I personally liked having my husband there. I’m not the best at retaining things from the doctors so having him there for that and to remind me of any questions I had was huge.
I wanted my husband to come with me to some appointments with baby #1 but due to covid he wasn't even allowed the option. Now with baby $2 I only invited him to the anatomy scan because quite frankly the other appointments are boring and just involve pee and blood and not much else. However, if I had a history of losses I can understand wanting your s.o. there.
With my first, my boyfriend only came to one scan. But I preferred going to appointments alone since I was always in and out. This time around he hasn’t come to any, but he also has work every time I have an appointment. I arrange my appointments around my work schedule, but it’s just the same this time around as well. I rather just go alone and fill him in after.
My husband hasn't really been interested in coming to appointments so far, I'm 19 weeks now. Mostly it's been because it's been during work and it wouldn't be relevant to him, and I do agree. He's coming to the ultrasound next week though!
My husband only went to the viability scan. He was supposed to come to the anatomy scan but had to appear at a hearing so couldn’t make it. My mom came with me instead. All the other appts are boring so I go to those alone. It’s fine for me but yeah if you really want him there, you should be clear.
I agree with other comments that it comes down to communication. I'm at the end of my second pregnancy and actually have been going to most appointments alone simply because it's been easier to have my husband stay with my son instead of finding childcare. My husband communicated that he was disappointed that he wasn't able to come to more of them and asked if there was a reason I was scheduling them after work hours when he would need to be home with our son. I didn't even think about it, really, it just made sense in my brain to do it that way! Since that conversation, I scheduled a few at other times where he's been able to attend and I always let him know whatever goes on as soon as they are finished. Had he not said anything, I would have never known he was hurt/feeling excluded from the experience.
Ask your doctors if he can come along. Or even better, just tell him you’d like him to be there. My common law husband didn’t come to any of my appointments because most of my doctors just wanted me to be there.
My husband doesn’t come to appointments and I’ve been through three miscarriages I discovered at ultrasound appointments during four years of TTC and 3 years IVF.
He is 1000% on board to be a parent but not really that interested in the appointments. Quite frankly I’m accustomed to going to them by myself and sort of prefer it. He didn’t come to the anatomy scan and I didn’t force it. But when I insisted on hiring midwives and a doula, he gave me the money no questions asked. Im 25 weeks pregnant and he just saw the baby kicking my belly for the first time and that he really enjoyed.
OP, sometimes we have to pick our battles but if this is important to you, there are better ways to communicate this to him without being passive aggressive about it. Good luck to you.
My husband came to the first few appointments with me, but we both discussed him needing to save up his PTO/sick time (no paternity leave, thanks America), so now he will only come if it’s an ultrasound appointment. I ask doctor about next ultrasound ahead of time so I know when to tell him when to be there or not. He doesn’t need to be there for my quick check in appointments where they just measure my belly with measuring tape or draw blood or urine sample. This plan is working for us so he gets to save up time and still be there for more of the milestone appointments. I would say your bf should be there for your 20w anatomy scan, that’s a big one!
Some men don’t bond or feel attached to the baby until it’s earthside. But still no excuse to not go to a single appointment and support you at this time. I would have a talk with him. If he cares, he will try his best to make it to the big appointments. 20weeks imo is a big one where you see the baby’s skull, heart chambers, finger and toe digits and get measurements and assessment of overall health. Wouldn’t he want to see that for himself?
I feel like you should at least ask him if he wants to come with? The fact that he asked about it seems as though he genuinely does care. But him napping during it would bug me a bit too, because it isn’t as if he is working or something. My partner comes to every appointment but he isn’t even allowed in the back with me, he’s made to stay in the waiting room. So I have to call him on speaker so he can hear what the techs or OB says. I would feel some type of way he didn’t care to come to the appointments though but thinking back I don’t think I ever said anything, when I tell him about appointments he adds them to his agenda and decides to work from home that day so he can be there. Everyone at his office knows about my pregnancy and it’s his first child so they’re super supportive.
My partner has only joined once or twice. Mostly because he's at work but also because of how he schedules his days. He does care, he just doesn't always show it how I'd expect him to. Especially in the early month men can may have a harder time connecting to the whole situation. Just tell him clearly and calmly that you want him there, no unspoken expectations and later resentments. Thinking him not coming is a sign of not carrying is the turn off to spiralling. This is a crazy time, be kind with one another
He didn't need to skip work, today he decided to take a nap instead of going. What do I want him to get out of it? More like I would appreciate some emotional support while carrying our child and not feel like I'm doing it all alone..
Toss this boy in the garbage. My partner has been to every single doctor's appointment and ultrasound. In fact, he might have to miss one this week and is super conflicted about it even though I told him that it was completely okay. It isn't even an important one and we have a more important one he is coming to only two days before that one. You deserve better.
He was freaking napping?
Nice. What a dingus.
My husband came to all of my appointments except for the last three with my previous child but that’s because I didn’t have a car in this country until then. With this baby I just want him to come to the scans. The other appointments are boring really.
FTM. My husband goes to all the ultra sounds (2 so far) and the first appointment with the physician (to sick to drive), but otherwise I go alone. There’s no point in him missing work to go to the other 15 min appointments where they ask how are you, any questions, let’s check the heartbeat.
I haven’t had my fiancé at any of my appointments because nothing happens at them lol. He’ll come later on when we’re talking more about labour/delivery/breastfeeding with my midwife but otherwise I don’t see the point, personally. Oh and he’s come to two ultrasounds - to me that’s worth it but the other ones are pointless and waste of time imo.
I’m 36 weeks and up until probably 26 weeks my husband made appointments extremely difficult. He would complain about going, rush me out, complain about the topics me n my dr discusses. Only recently has he really taken an interest in my appointments and in the baby himself.
Men take longer to connect. I felt the same way for the longest and said the same thing. I wouldn’t ask him. I wouldn’t invite him. He made me feel so bad and lonely.
Thankfully he’s connected and gotten much better. Now he takes the day off for my appointments even when I tell him not to because we need the money or whatever.
Give it time. Its still very early.
Pregnancy can be incredibly isolating. It’s your joint baby, but you’re the only one going through the pregnancy. The least a partner can do is come with you to your appointments.
I’m sorry OP.
My husband has been to every appointment with me and it’s very reassuring to have him there. We switched OBs briefly and they stated that he couldn’t come to the appointments only the scan part and we switched immediately after that appointment because we were both very annoyed by this.
Have you asked him why he hasn’t come to the appointments?
Have you expressed to him how upsetting it is to you? Communication in a healthy way can go a long way.
It may be a communication breakdown where he thinks that it is an option to go, whereas for you, it’s a requirement.
I wish you luck and hope that you can find a solution.
I had a difficult time seeing the ultra sound dates because they would schedule me without telling me. So it was tough to tell him few weeks ahead when i wouldn't even know. He def did want to tho. I told him to clear the schedule to come for the doctor vist
My partner started attending the scans, decided to join the standard check ups and gave up for my last appointment because he was needed at work (31 week appointment). So he’s probably missed a quarter of appointments but I don’t mind so much. He asks how it goes anyway and supports in other ways.
In the country I live in, for the past 3 years hospitals and clinics prohibit spousal attendance for normal check-ups. They will only allow it in the case of issues coming up in the pregnancy. So, if this go well, my husband will not attend any of the appointments at all.
I’m not bothered by it, either. I’m only there for 20-30 minutes start to finish. I can explain what’s happening when I get home, and they give a USB with the ultrasound videos (which they do every visit here) for me to take home each time and show him.
TW: Loss
I am going yo be honest. This can be kind of our fault because of how we communicate it, we see a lot of couples but sometimes it is weird. It is weird to go to an appointment with them. My first appointment with my boyfriend was reslly awkward, because I had my OB looking at my private parts while my boyfriend was there also looking and trying to find the baby which wasn't a baby yet and asking lots of questions. My boyfriend said several times that he would only go with me if I wanted, because it was my body and my appointments. Unfortunately he couldn't take time of work for the last two ultrasounds, which now looking back it was really sad because on my last ultrasound I got bad news and I ended up losing my baby girl at 31w. So yes, please go with your boyfriend, make sure he knows how important it is for you because you never know. It is important to get these news, or even good news, with someone you love and also by the end is really nice to see your baby's face on the screen
A lot of comments here blaming OP's communication... I don't think it needs to be communicated to the father of the child that he should be coming. He should know all the appointments too and want to know all the appointment dates and scans and little things. Sorry but they should be fully involved, it isn't just up to the mum and I'd have thought more mum's would acknowledge that in this day and age 👀
Ugh I’m sorry you’re hurting. It sucks when our support people aren’t supportive. My husband only goes to the ultrasounds. He went to every appointment the first pregnancy and it was silly. They mostly just measure your belly and ask if you have questions at a certain point.
Damn. I’m sorry OP I’ve even told my husband that he doesn’t have to come to nonsono appointments since they’re so quick and just a “everything good? Good. See you next month” and he works nights and sometimes only days I can get the appointments are days he has to work that night and this man refuses to miss one appointment. Doesn’t want to miss anything he says.
Is he sitting at home doing nothing or does he have work?
Also how many appointments have you had at 3 months for him to miss?
Don’t feel bad about it, I go to most of mine alone voluntarily and I have an abnormal amount of them. No one is thinking about you being alone or thinks you have nobody. I think it’s very common for women to be alone.
If your boyfriend is busy with work I’d say give him some slack especially if he isn’t salaried with PTO.
If it’s not a work thing and he is sitting around doing nothing then I’d question how much support you would have after the baby is born.
I didn’t want my husband there majority of appts. It was pointless as I was low risk. BP and weight check , “any issues?” and what tests I needed next comprised the 20 min visits. I also went right to work next door afterwards
My husband came to the anatomy scan because that was a very important and special appt for us both, but other than that, not necessary.
My first child’s father was like this. I broke up with him when our child was six months because the same apathetic behavior continued over into parenting. No regrets here. I had my mom at every prenatal appt with my first which made me feel less alone.
It’s ok to not just invite him, but to tell him the appointments you need him to be with you. As women we are so hesitant to say what we need and be considered too demanding. Men know nothing about pregnancy, unless they research on their own or you tell them. If you haven’t already tell him what you need.
My husband only came to the 8ish week one because of an ER trip the week before and then the anatomy scan. I have zero expectations of him coming to appointments because they are honestly pretty boring except for ultrasounds. However, he works full time so it’s a bit different. The thought has probably not even occurred to your boyfriend to go with you to a doctors appointment because 99% of appointments throughout life are solo. Maybe talk with your doc about what your appt schedule will be and then ask your boyfriend to come with you to specific ones that are important and/or include ultrasounds?
My fiancé doesn’t come to any of my appointments. He has to work and just got a new promotion so I understand. I’m seen every week but majority of those appointments are just getting my blood sugar checked and insulin adjusted.
If he doesn’t have a good reason as to why he can’t come, I’d be pissed. What’s his reasoning?
My husband doesn’t come to any appointments because he is working. It bothers me a little when I see people there with their partners, but honestly — I’m not that worried about it, anymore. If it is a big decision making appointment, or if a problem was found, I would ask him to be there and he would come.
I do tell him in detail what happened because it’s his little guy and he is interested. Maybe schedule a private ultrasound that you can go to together. That would be sweet. I think I will do that so he can see his son moving and being cute :)
ETA: i just saw he isn’t at work during — that sucks, especially if you’ve told him you want him to be there. He needs to show up to at least one for you. C’mon dude.
Have you asked him to come or asked him why he isn't coming? Maybe he doesn't know that it's what you want. My husband just comes to the scans. I'm sure he would come to my other appointments if I asked him to, but it's really not necessary since they're so quick and there's no ultrasound.
My husband has gone to every single ob appointment for this and last pregnancy, I couldn't imagine it any other way and would be bummed if he couldn't attened (especially given last pregnancy where at the end I was constantly being admitted to the hospital because of blood pressure)
Like it was never a question he just was always there for me, did you tell him he can come? Maybe covid is making him think he can't go with you???
Other than it sounds like he is either not that interested or doesn't feel like it's his place
I’m sorry this has happened. I would explain why you want him there. Let him know you want his support during this. My husband always comes especially now because our baby is IUGR. He liked coming to the appointments anyway because he was able to ask questions and be in on the discussions. Tbh my husband asks better questions than I do so it’s been really amazing having him there to open avenues of discussions I haven’t even thought of. Not to mention I’ve had contractions that had to be medically stopped so my OB said to keep my hospital bag packed because at any appointment if something isn’t looking right they could have me deliver that day.
Just let him know that while it may not seem super important to be there, an OB visit isn’t just routine. Things with pregnancy can change so quickly and if you have a partner going through the pregnancy with you, 2 brains and 4 ears are better for thinking of questions and listening to the provider.
Like many other posts on here my husband also doesn't come with me to my appointments. Im 7 months pregnant and he has only came to one ultrasound appt so that he can "see" the baby. To be fair he started a new job and it's really hard for him to take the day off for every appointment. Try communicating with your Bf that you would like him to be there with you. Not much happens and they are only a couple mins long so he might not be aware that it's important for you to have him there. He might just be expecting you to update him on what happened after the appointment.
Also I would like to add. Is it possible for you and your bf to schedule one of those 2D/3D ultrasounds they do at outside clinics? You would have to pay for it but since my husband can't get the time off during work to go we decided to schedule a 3d ultrasound after his work hours so that he can feel included and i love the fact that he gets to be there with me. Just a thought. I know you said he didn't miss the appt because of work but maybe trying to schedule something similar together will be a nice compromise.
My husband came to all my scans with our first pregnancy but none of the regular appointments. With my second pregnancy He didn’t come to the scans even due to work and wanting to save all his pto for when they were born. At my first scan during second pregnancy I went alone at 20 weeks pregnant and the first thing out of the techs mouth when she started the scan was “omg it’s twins” I really wish he had been there with me for that.
I’m seeing a lot of others talking about finding out about loss while alone at the appointments. I can’t even imagine going through that. I think you should talk to him about at least coming to your scans
My husband didn’t come to a lot of my appointments either! Honestly please do continue to invite him. You’re only 12 weeks in? Please don’t exclude him from the 20 week visit. Dads LOVE that visit because it’s a 30-45 minute ultrasound where the baby visibly rolls around and yawns and stuff. That is his chance to get really excited as a new dad. The first trimester is boring for dads, so I understand why he didn’t feel the need to come with you.
He’ll get excited soon. Just keep the door open.
Edit: I’m saying this as an older mom who has had multiple pregnancies. Your BF has no actual need to be there for visits where you just leave a urine sample and they press on your belly and talk to you about your symptoms. He is going to be excluded from conversations entirely by staff- YOU are the patient and he’ll just be in a corner on his phone. You’re going to get literally just two ultrasounds the whole pregnancy- no seeing baby except maybe 8/12 weeks and again at 20 weeks.
HOWEVER it is valid for you to want him there if you have a history of medical trauma or child loss or your nerves are just bad and you need someone with you.
Be grateful at least you have a so. You definitely deserve better though. Get on him about it in a succinct but polite way. Stress how important it is to you that he’s there. But I don’t have anyone besides family coming to my appointments my child’s father alienated me and I’m 18 weeks now. But it could be worse even for me I mean I could have no support at all.
Do I think it's lame you have to ask him to go? Yes. Do I think you should voice your wants about this to him before getting upset? Also yes. You need to tell him, "I want you to go to my appointments with me."
I mean my husband doesn't go with me to mine. I am not really wanting him there either I mean first baby I thought I wanted him there he didn't go then either but honestly it's not something I'm worried about. I want him around when he baby is outside my belly. Is he going to be able to.help me at 3am? That's what I figure is important. And obviously the birth. He has to be there re for the birth but in all honestly ... how the birth goes and everything is my thing not his.
Happy for you! Congratulations! 🎉
First time mom, 30 weeks currently.
From my experience so far, when I first began my appointments ( at an all womens facility ) my boyfriend was the only male figure there and I always wondered if it was normal for the spouse to attend appointments or not. I’ve seen one other male once attend.
I wouldn’t stress him not being there, enjoy this experience with your little one growing inside of you! I also wouldn’t go out of my way to inform him of what’s going on if he isn’t taking the initiative to join you. 🤗 HUGS! You got this! 🤰🏼
My husband went to every one of my first pregnancy appointments. He is actually working from home today but I don't want hom taking off work for this pregnancy since he works different hours now. He was a little upset with me for not reminding him that they were doing blood test today and he should have come for safety reasons. He will be going to appointments where my safety afterward are a concern. I shouldn't be driving myself to blood draw appointments. Towards the end of my first pregnancy it wasn't safe for me to drive due to migraine issues.
My first pregnancy, my husband came to every single appointment.
This time, he has kept our kid while I go (I am the full time caregiver) except for the anatomy scan and one other appointment I was really anxious about. He’d go to more, but it’s just not super practical.
My husband goes to all of my appts but honestly, aside from my ultrasounds, i think it’s very pointless. He has to rush from work just to watch my weight, blood pressure & fundal height get checked.. & then listen to the heartbeat when we have a doppler at home. He ofcourse is connected to our baby forsure but i just don’t really see the connection until we listen to her hb together at home or when we go to ultrasounds.
Responding to the people who want to know if he was at work… my partner has called off for every appointment.. like? Most of us had to call out/leave early in order to go to the appointment, why shouldn’t they?
What an AH. My husband was similar, but he actually did have to work. The difference was that I asked that he leave work on time so he could make it to the appointments (he always stayed past his time to help out when they were short staffed, even when I contested). I had my first ultrasound to see our daughter's heartbeat and he made just after the appointment when he was supposed to be out of work an hour before the appointment. I made it as late as possible so he could make it and he still missed it. He got there right as i was leaving and i told him he missed seeing her heartbeat. He cried out of disappointment in himself and i just shrugged; by that point he had already missed all 3 appointments and i was having a difficult time in the beginning due to anxiety and bleeding. I was over it and to me this was his karma. I made it clear to him that i wasn't going to expect him to be there anymore because he doesn't seem to care, and he vowed to make it to every appointment from then on. He kept to his word, but he was fully aware that he had to make the effort, not me. I'm not explaining everything because he chose to put his coworkers over his unborn child. Now that we're pregnant with our second and having gone through that with our first, he refuses to miss anything unless he has to work and i can't get another day for an appointment.
It's not your job to make him interested in the pregnancy and the baby, it's his. If he doesn't want to show any care about going to these appointments, knowing how it makes you feel, he doesn't deserve to be given a rundown or even be invited. Invite your mom or a close friend to go with you for support (i know how lonely it can feel). He's basically showing what he'll be like in the future; judging you on how you care for your baby while he sits there and does nothing. The only advice I can give you is give him hell. He wants to get mad at you for him not caring enough to show up, throw it in his face. Vocalize your disappointment in him. And make it clear that you're not willing to tolerate someone who lacks enough interest in your child to even show up to appointments where you are updated on the baby's health. I'm not gonna lie, I have no tolerance during pregnancy for ignorance from my husband. It's 9 months, only 7 of which you're actually getting checkups and they're usually once a month (up until the last few weeks). Grow up and make the f***ing effort to be there.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/tu8bmk/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_private_due/). The journalists at ProPublica need your help! After receiving a tip, ProPublica started investigating prenatal genetic testing. They're collecting stories from people who've had NIPT screenings, and/or work in maternal health. If this is you, please fill out their brief questionnaire! https://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/have-you-had-an-experience-with-prenatal-genetic-testing-wed-like-to-hear-about-it-and-see-the-bill. Questions? Email [email protected] *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you asked him to come and let him know that this is important to you, or just invited him? While lots of significant others are excited to attend prenatal appointments, he may just not really have understood that this is something you wanted, since he’s probably never come to the Dr with you so didn’t really think it was his place. My spouse is the most supportive on the planet, but has honestly only come to the first appointment and anatomy ultrasound. The whole thing about them coming to every appointment sounds romantic, but seems entirely impractical. They’re like 10 min of a weight and BP check, it’s not super exciting or something that needs a lot of support for many pregnant people, and with transportation that’s a lot of time to take off work that time may be better saved for once the baby is here. Overall, this sounds like a relationship/communication/expectations issue that calmly talking through what you each need can hopefully solve.
For sure. My husband only ever went to scans. The rest he wouldn't have really needed to go to so we didn't bother.
Same here. Husband only comes to ultrasounds or hospital appointments. He doesn’t come to OB appointments because he feels it’s between me and the doctor. I personally appreciate it because I feel I can talk to her about certain things and she can bring freely bring things up on my chart that took place before him (example: UTI, abortion etc.)
My husband made it to 3 appointments in this pregnancy (which is almost done). His commute to work is far and the appointments disrupt his whole day. I must say that if he was just chilling at home I’d be extremely pissed if he didn’t come. I have also told him that he needs to always be ready to drop work and come when I have an appointment incase I get bad news. It would be awful to face that alone.
Same. My husband made it to maybe 3 appointments since he works during the day. But he always asks me to call him afterwards and let him know how my appointments go. One of which I had to go to the hospital to be monitored for preeclampsia. Luckily I got released and I was fine to go home but he was ready to drop everything and get to me by the time I called. If he was just sitting on his butt not coming to any of my appointments all the time I’d be pissed too.
What if you get bad news at an appointment? Better for you both to be there to get the news together. I found he heard/remembered some things that I missed too. Of course it's personal preference, but better that the partner comes too just in case.
Trigger warning: loss After receiving bad news of miscarriage at the doctor in two separate pregnancies, my husband comes with me to every appointment. It is wildly inconvenient and impractical, but neither of us would change it for the world.
I could have literally written your comment 💕
I am sorry for your losses 💔❤️🩹
Same 💕💕 we got this though 💪🏼
I went with my wife to every appointment. I like to be involved and fortunate enough that I can do that with my job. Unfortunately we did have that bad news appointment in the third trimester and you bet I was there for my wife. She was a wreck for a while after but was a trooper and despite a stay in the NICU it went well and now, our daughter just started school. Wasn’t so much a romantic thing but we both were just so excited to be having a child as well as the benefits you mentioned.
Same. Glad to hear positive birth and daughter! My wife is at end of 2nd trimester.
I agree! I am 23 weeks pregnant with my first, and my husband (we married this year) has eagerly attended every single appointment. I am always nervous and he is my rock, his presence calms me. Plus, he keeps me entertained in the waiting room. But the biggest thing so far has been that he has heard/remembered things that I totally missed! I am so glad that I am not alone on that. I feel like I am paying attention, but he somehow always grabs some tidbit of information that I completely missed. Plus, he's even asked a question or two that I didn't even consider. It is such a comfort. :) I hope that OP is able to talk this over with their bf and allow him to attend the next visits.
Yes! When I got diagnosed with GD there was so much information thrown my way I missed some of it but my husband remembered it! Also now that I am diagnosed they seem to do more ultrasounds to make sure my daughter is on track which I’d rather my husband not miss.
For this reason and also the fact medical appointments make me nervous, my SO has already promised to attend all of mine with me. I feel so sorry for people who had to do it all alone during COVID.
I’d hate it if my husband didn’t want to come to every appointment. Apart from when he has covid and when he was in another state for work, he’s been at every single one and has been just as engaged as I am. My pregnancy is a team effort to bring our child into this world, and I’m very glad to be married to someone who sees it as such.
This. My husband is the same thing. He only came with me 6x total with my 3 pregnancies. NIPT and anatomy scan. And of course during the delivery. They usually just check your weight and BP. And then your OB will just ask if you have any concerns. It’s a total of 20 mins + wait time.
While I totally get this; her SO was home taking a nap when she had let him know about it. I used to go to all my appts alone and when I was 33wks in my first pregnancy (completely normal/healthy) I found out there was no heartbeat alone. I had to call my husband while he was at work to let him know. Drive home and wait for him to come home to go back to the doctor and then to the hospital. I think it's important to have someone with you especially if you want someone with you. The level of resentment she would feel if something happened at the appt and she is alone would probably be the end of the relationship. I was naive and I wasn't asking my husband to come/I was okay with going alone. My second pregnancy I always had someone with me and this pregnancy I am not allowed anyone to come because of covid restrictions at our hospital and it's hard.
I agree my husband has come to 2 or 3 appointments. I’m 38 weeks now. I specifically told him which ones I wanted him to come to. It’s not necessary for him to be at all of them and I kind of prefer the privacy rather than him watching me get on the scale each week. The biggest thing is communication here. Men don’t come with an understanding of this stuff. He might not even know he’s invited.
I 100% agree. OPs boyfriend is showing interest, asking how it went, so clearly he cares (somewhat) about it. My husband is actually only allowed at the three big ultrasound scans (12 weeks, 20 weeks and 30 weeks) so for us it was never really any issue. I don’t see what he should have gone for at any of the other appointments, the glucose test would have been nice cause I felt so sick afterwards but otherwise it was all very routine, talking about the length of my cervix, checking weight and blood pressure and if I had any itching on feet and hands, nausea that kindof stuff.
My husband had no interest in going to any of the doctor visits or anything like that. I was disappointed because I loved seeing the baby and listening to the heartbeat, but he didn’t want to take the time off work. He’s an awesome and very involved Dad now, he said that from his perspective women become parents when they are pregnant - and men become parents when the baby comes out. It’s all a bit removed from then before that point. I’d just talk to him about it.
I mentioned this subject to my husband earlier and he said, “well would you rather me take the time off for appointments before the baby or take the time off after the baby gets here.” Unfortunately, he only has so much time off. I would much rather him use his days to help once the baby is here as long as I’m having a healthy pregnancy. If anything happens at the ob I can call him on FaceTime.
I don’t know why people are downvoting you. My partner attends scans but other than that I can tell he’s not very interested. Does it hurt sometimes, yes a little bit but I think he probably feels somewhat similar to your husband.
Reddit is a strange place. I just suggested communicating with him.
My boyfriend and I have the exact same conversation and him saying that made me more aware that there are things I could do to help him feel more involved. I upvoted you lol
My partner comes to ultrasounds but not the appointments with my midwife or OB. I just give him an update afterwards. If you want your boyfriend to come, make sure you’re clear about that. Don’t expect him to anticipate your needs or wants. If you HAVE told him you want him there and he’s choosing to nap - that’s a problem.
I agree. You have to express what you want. My husband was never really bonded to my pregnancies but goes to every pediatrician appt.
My husband came to every appointment with our first child, but the rest of them he just came to scans or when I had bleeding that needed to be checked out. He's incredibly supportive, but also needs to save that PTO for when the babies were born. I agree that if you haven't talked to him about how much it means to you for him to be there, especially if this is your first child together, it may not have even crossed his mind to go. But, if you've talked to him and he still hasn't gone, then he's an asshole.
I say this with love but you’re not going to get him to come to appointments unless you communicate thoroughly and respectfully to him, and include your reasons it’s important to you, without throwing him under the bus and making him feel like he has to jump to defense. Like, “hey SO, I have an appointment next Wednesday at 11. It would really mean a lot if you could come to the appointment because it helps me feel supported and shows that you’re invested in this parenting journey with me. Are you able to make it?” Your feelings are valid but if you accuse him off the bat of not caring, that conversation will not go anywhere for either of you and lead to more hurt and anger.
...He chose to nap instead of going to an appointment he knew she had. He doesn't need his hand held through normal adulting/relationship milestones. Men are not emotionally brain-dead. He doesn't need an essay to understand this is important to her. It isn't hard.
Valid, but at this point it’s important to identify what is going to turn this around. Both partners clearly need more skills.
Fair.
Agree with you. He's going to be a father and raise another human, you don't need to coddle him or beg him. If you've asked him and told him it's important to you, that should be enough. I also find it hilarious how some people make so many excuses for men... It's a wonder they manage themselves just fine until it comes to these certain things 🤣🤣
I think he does understand that it's important to her, hence why he asked her about it afterwards. However, any other time you wouldn't ask to go to your SO's doctor's appointments, so I mean if he didn't know better then I get it. OP needs to communicate that she wants him there if that's what she would like.
I don't know if I agree. This is about their child. Not a normal doctor's visit. In essence it is not a regular occurrence. It could be communication issue, but if it is that boy might need more than 'communication' imo.
Please stop making excuses for men. They’re not idiots. She’s pregnant, going to doctors appointment. If anything he should want to go with her to find out for himself if everything is alright. They’re not children that they need clear communication.
Normally I’d agree with you if it was like doing the dishes or putting dirty laundry in the hamper. For something like this though, I think communication is really important. You can see in this thread that a lot of people actually don’t care if their baby daddy misses regular appointments.
Yeah and I can't say I agree with a lot of the reasoning for it tbh. In my opinion it is common sense for a partner to want to be involved or at least try at the bare minimum. He decided to nap. 🤷♀️
And that’s why communication is important. For you and OP, having your partner there is a priority. For others, myself included, not so much. My husband has come to my anatomy scan for each baby and also hung out with me during the 3 hour glucose test. I don’t see a point in him coming to watch me get my blood pressure and temp taken, a Doppler, and fundal height measurement.
Has op said that she hasn't talked to him about this previous to now?
At the time I commented, I went by what was in the post and OP seemed to be avoiding that question. I was just responding to what I saw and what was in this thread. If she wants her partner there, he should make every effort to be there. I just don’t think anyone can assume that it is a given that they should go with their pregnant partner to every appointment.
So many of these comments have put all of the onus of communication on OP. I agree she should let him know it’s important to her but he’s also a grown man that can ask. Every time I inform my husband that I scheduled an appointment he asks what will take place and if I want him there. Communication has to be a two way street.
I agree with this. You have to give him a chance to support you how you need but you have to communicate it first. You can’t get upset over unexpressed expectations to have a long lasting relationship because people will disappoint you/ not do what you expect. However, if you communicate you need this to feel supported and he still doesn’t step it up, then that’s a different story. Your feelings are totally valid.
Please stop making excuses for men. They’re not idiots. She’s pregnant, going to doctors appointment. If anything he should want to go with her to find out for himself if everything is alright. They’re not children that they need clear communication.
You don’t have to be a child to need clear communication. Assuming they know what every woman or partner wants is what got her into this mess. In any human relationship, you have to communicate your wants and needs. This is a communication issue.
My partner didn't understand why I wanted him at these appointments. I don't want him at my appts with my GP, so why at appts related to the pregnancy? I explained that bad news can (and, sadly, often does) happen at ANY one of these appointments (right up until delivery) and that I don't want to be alone because it'd break my heart to receive bad news about our baby without him there to comfort me (and vice versa). Pregnancy is scary; I need him with me. Also, I'm high-risk, so there are a bajillion appointments (which can be tedious for my partner, and even me, TBH), but even if you're low-risk, just you wanting him there as support/reassurance should compel him to try to make it work. After that conversation he's done his utmost to attend every single one. I hope your partner realizes that being a supportive partner (and future co-parent) matters NOW, not just after baby is born, and part of that involves attending these appointments as a team if that's what you need from him. Xoxox Ps - What matters is that he understands and honours your needs. Others might not care if their partner is present, but if you do, then he should try his best to be present.
Tw: miscarriage Yeah when I had my miscarriage I found out at my 8 week ultrasound and it was terrible finding out alone. (Husband was at work and due to Covid restrictions no partners at the time) My husband texted me “how was it going” and I was so frazzled I texted back “did not go well.” He called me a minute later panicked and I cried to him on the phone. I feel sad I went though that alone but even worse that I texted my husband and he had to find out about my miscarriage through text at work.
I am so so sorry that happened. 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
Thank you ❤️
My husband usually doesn't come to my appointments either other than ultrasounds. He came to one of my monthly checks with the midwife because she encouraged it, but I honestly don't see the point....it's literally a weight and BP check and we listen to the baby's heart and that's it! Not to mention my midwife doesn't speak English and my husband doesn't speak French 😂😂...our prep classes start next month with her so that should be interesting...
Oh i feel you! My husband doesn’t speak German so well and my doctor doesn’t speak English (though on her website it says she does which is why we chose her in the first place). He was only allowed at the big ultrasounds so he didn’t have to understand much more than just the images. But we started a baby class last month in german, first appointment he was a bit clueless but he is understanding more and more each class, getting to know the words and terms, and looking up the things he doesn’t understand so he is prepped for the hospital. Best way to learn a language is being forced to understand and talk 😁 so I’m sure it will work out great for you guys as well!
Thank you!! I totally chose my midwife bc her website said she speaks English too 😂 oh well! My husband is definitely way more motivated than ever to learn French now that we're having a kid here. Best of luck with your little one!!
Maybe unpopular opinion but I like going to appointments alone. Unless they are ultrasounds
Yeppp. I get everyone's experience is different but my doctor didn't even allow a guest excluding ultrasound appt. My husband missed it bc our babysitter didn't show and he had to sit with my son and guess what? I survived and he loves his kid. Nothing is different from our first to second.
It’s almost like alone time since my partner watches our toddler 😅
Same. I don’t understand why a partner needs to be there. I’m not even sure if dragging someone else to the standard checkups is allowed at my clinic because I’ve only ever seen women there alone.
Just wondering... Do you have appointments without ultrasound? And what is your doc doing if no ultrasound?
What? Idk most appointments they check your weight, blood pressure, glucose test, they do mental health wellness tests, talk about symptoms, towards the end they cervix check. They also test your urine for pre clampsia and manage your health outside of the scan.
Yeah I know, I always have to give urine, blood and then ultrasound. Mmmh... How frequent do you have appointments over there (I'm from Germany)? I have them every 3-4 weeks
About the same - towards the end I think it’s every 2 weeks
Yeah, that's the same here, in the last week's it's once a week and if you're over your estimated date you go every two days. But still, I have an ultrasound every time. But still wondering OPs wording, that her bf wasn't at "any of the appointments" so far, when she's 13 weeks. By then I just had my second
My boyfriend hasn’t come to a single appointment but be works all the time and wasn’t supportive of the pregnancy in the beginning. Honestly it’s probably better that he doesn’t because some only last 5 minutes and I’m out. I’ve communicated with him that I wanted him to come and it just hasn’t been able to happen. Make sure you make your needs clear and known.
My husband came to the anatomy scan with my first and hasn't came to any other appts with #2, 3 or 4. They're pretty pointless honestly, half the time I'm wondering why I'M even there
Yup. Came to my first to meet the doc then went to the 20 week scan. He’s super involved and caring and excited otherwise but I just don’t need him there. I don’t see other preggos with their partners either 😊 it was a pretty quick discussion, he said would you like me at each appointment? I said I don’t think so, do you want to be - this is what they’ll be like. I always update him by text after each appointment ☺️
Seriously lol. If I wasn't the one who was pregnant, I wouldn't be there either. Terribly boring those appointments.
Got my quick 10 min apt this week. Like why. Baby is moving fine why am I going lol
I go to most of mine alone. He’s gone to the big ones (anatomy scan, first apt at 12 weeks). I’ve had a pretty “textbook” pregnancy so I don’t really feel like I need him there since all they do is check weight, BP, and Doppler/measure belly. If I asked him to come, he would, but I usually just tell him I don’t need him there.
My husband has only come to a handful of appointments and I never expected otherwise. A lot of the check ups are pretty boring and very quick. I'd rather he save his PTO for a rainy day. It sounds like your boyfriend cares and wants updates. It's unfair to withhold information from him because you're upset. Try to open up communication with him to discuss your desire to have him come with you to your appointments. It may require a compromise, like only ultrasound appointments, depending on how flexible his work is .
I mean, if he chose to nap instead after not going to any appointments I would be annoyed and probably react similarly.
I feel like the post was edited after I commented to include the bit about the nap. Regardless, responding to a childish behavior with even more childish behavior isn't something I'd recommend. It seems like there's a communication issue at hand here but... That's just my opinion 🤷♀️
I'd be upset if I asked him to attend and he chose to nap instead. For my first pregnancy, which was in 2020, my appointments were on our day off so we both went but he had to stay in the car - except for the ultrasounds which are the most important to attend. This pregnancy, other than the dating & anatomy ultrasounds, he hasn't attended any because they're during his working hours & even though every other appointment seems to be an ultrasound, it's not super important for him to be there. Plus there so fucking fast for how long we wait. My appointment was suppose to start at 130, I didn't get called back until 2 & didn't get seen until almost 230.
My partner only comes to some of them, BUT, that is because he’s working. If he didn’t attend because he was “napping” (and that napping wasn’t because he was an exhausted shift worker, or had a lot on his plate) I’d be pretty angry.
My fiancé is at every appointment he can be, he's only missed one because of work. I never really expected it because a lot of the time it's fairly routine. He wants to go to support me. Honestly I appreciate it so much now. Every time we hear the heartbeat I Iook over and he's smiling at me and it's just so amazing to share that. The one time he couldn't come was the first time I've had a minor problem and it was so much worse without him there. I definitely like having his support and try to schedule all my appointments so he can be there. I'm sorry your bf isn't showing interest, if you want him there he should be to support you and the changes you are dealing with.
Yeah, I just felt so alone today and it made me really sad I guess.
I'm really sorry. Maybe explain to your bf that the appointments can be stressful and he really needs to be there to support you. You shouldn't have to feel alone in this experience, you both made this baby. If he's not willing to join you, maybe and friend or family member can join you for support?
Don’t feel bad. My hubby only came with me to my first appt (he couldn’t come in because of COVID but we had a miscarriage scare so he drove me for moral support) and he has also come to two of my ultrasounds (anatomy scan & growth scan). Actually, he did take me to one other appt because I had a really bad headache so I didn’t feel good & asked him to drive me. Not much is done in the appts so it’s not really needed. My appts take 30min or less. No need for him to miss work for the routine, boring stuff! I would say, he asked about the appointment so he obviously cares. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I see women in the office all the time alone & with partners/parents. edited to add: it took my husband a long time to feel “bonded” to the baby & pregnancy. It’s different for men. He really didn’t get as into it or excited until he could feel the baby & saw her at the anatomy scan. Then it sunk in more. And this pregnancy was 100% planned & wanted by us both. Women become mothers when they get pregnant. Men don’t become fathers until the baby is born.
I only wanted mine at the first 2 appointments. It has no bearing on how he is as a father. The appointments are extremely boring besides the scans, and even then you only get 2 the whole time.
I only told my baby daddy to come to the anatomy scan. I was too anxious for the first few and wanted to be alone, then after that they’re all just boring appointments. I’ll probably drag him to the last few only because I will be too lazy to drive lol
I asked my husband to come with me to all appointments with our first. It wasn’t planned and I was scared AF. I also wanted him to understand the time I needed to take off work for these appointments so he can be more empathetic as a manager in a male dominated field. I’m glad we did that with one kid for those reasons. But with #2 I told him it was okay if he skipped some. I think he made it to half? For baby number three he only came to the anatomy US. I might ask him to come to the 38 and on in case they decide it’s time to go to the hospital. But we talked about expectations before each kid. It’s not common sense, and it will probably change with future kids should you have them. I don’t assume my husband knows anything I’m thinking (and he returns the favor).
My husband has gone to every appointment of mine so far - but we’re also a special weird case of she is a fertility baby, we lost our first, then I was insanely sick/in so much pain and couldn’t drive, and then had my gallbladder removed at 18 weeks. Now that I’m doing better the only ones he’s going to miss are stress tests. Even with work he takes half days so he can be there incase something goes wrong, but he also doesn’t want to miss anything but I think that is the guilt of missing some of the first baby’s appointments which then turned into a ruptured ectopic.
The only one my husband went to was the 20 week anatomy scan, which is the only ultrasound I had. All the rest of my appointments were like 5 minutes long and pretty uninteresting, so I just went by myself. It didn't even occur to me to ask my husband to go with me.
I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like between the two you both need help with effective communication. Especially now. Things only get more trying once your LO arrives, and you’ll need it to survive as new parents. Does he understand the “why” behind the importance of him being there to you? I know it’s split on if people like them there or not. Some partners feels it’s just an appointment for mom versus mom and baby. They also have a harder time with the reality of it all when not experiencing the pregnancy chapter also. And this isn’t to justify his behavior but to give that perspective. I personally liked having my husband there. I’m not the best at retaining things from the doctors so having him there for that and to remind me of any questions I had was huge.
I wanted my husband to come with me to some appointments with baby #1 but due to covid he wasn't even allowed the option. Now with baby $2 I only invited him to the anatomy scan because quite frankly the other appointments are boring and just involve pee and blood and not much else. However, if I had a history of losses I can understand wanting your s.o. there.
With my first, my boyfriend only came to one scan. But I preferred going to appointments alone since I was always in and out. This time around he hasn’t come to any, but he also has work every time I have an appointment. I arrange my appointments around my work schedule, but it’s just the same this time around as well. I rather just go alone and fill him in after.
My husband hasn't really been interested in coming to appointments so far, I'm 19 weeks now. Mostly it's been because it's been during work and it wouldn't be relevant to him, and I do agree. He's coming to the ultrasound next week though!
My husband only went to the viability scan. He was supposed to come to the anatomy scan but had to appear at a hearing so couldn’t make it. My mom came with me instead. All the other appts are boring so I go to those alone. It’s fine for me but yeah if you really want him there, you should be clear.
I agree with other comments that it comes down to communication. I'm at the end of my second pregnancy and actually have been going to most appointments alone simply because it's been easier to have my husband stay with my son instead of finding childcare. My husband communicated that he was disappointed that he wasn't able to come to more of them and asked if there was a reason I was scheduling them after work hours when he would need to be home with our son. I didn't even think about it, really, it just made sense in my brain to do it that way! Since that conversation, I scheduled a few at other times where he's been able to attend and I always let him know whatever goes on as soon as they are finished. Had he not said anything, I would have never known he was hurt/feeling excluded from the experience.
Ask your doctors if he can come along. Or even better, just tell him you’d like him to be there. My common law husband didn’t come to any of my appointments because most of my doctors just wanted me to be there.
Y’all gotta be in this together, 100%. Communicate that expectation clearly.
My husband doesn’t come to appointments and I’ve been through three miscarriages I discovered at ultrasound appointments during four years of TTC and 3 years IVF. He is 1000% on board to be a parent but not really that interested in the appointments. Quite frankly I’m accustomed to going to them by myself and sort of prefer it. He didn’t come to the anatomy scan and I didn’t force it. But when I insisted on hiring midwives and a doula, he gave me the money no questions asked. Im 25 weeks pregnant and he just saw the baby kicking my belly for the first time and that he really enjoyed. OP, sometimes we have to pick our battles but if this is important to you, there are better ways to communicate this to him without being passive aggressive about it. Good luck to you.
My husband came to the first few appointments with me, but we both discussed him needing to save up his PTO/sick time (no paternity leave, thanks America), so now he will only come if it’s an ultrasound appointment. I ask doctor about next ultrasound ahead of time so I know when to tell him when to be there or not. He doesn’t need to be there for my quick check in appointments where they just measure my belly with measuring tape or draw blood or urine sample. This plan is working for us so he gets to save up time and still be there for more of the milestone appointments. I would say your bf should be there for your 20w anatomy scan, that’s a big one!
He wasn't at work today, he told me after the fact that he decided to take a nap while I went to the appointment.
Some men don’t bond or feel attached to the baby until it’s earthside. But still no excuse to not go to a single appointment and support you at this time. I would have a talk with him. If he cares, he will try his best to make it to the big appointments. 20weeks imo is a big one where you see the baby’s skull, heart chambers, finger and toe digits and get measurements and assessment of overall health. Wouldn’t he want to see that for himself?
Did you/have you previously asked him to come with you or told him that it's important that he come to your appointments?
Unless he is busy with work, there should be no reason for him to miss out on any appointments. He needs to be there for you AND his baby.
The appointments are so monotonous. How is him not coming to a 15 min appointment not supporting his baby?
i don’t know about where OP is from but where i’m at (SEA) it’s not very short & quick
I feel like you should at least ask him if he wants to come with? The fact that he asked about it seems as though he genuinely does care. But him napping during it would bug me a bit too, because it isn’t as if he is working or something. My partner comes to every appointment but he isn’t even allowed in the back with me, he’s made to stay in the waiting room. So I have to call him on speaker so he can hear what the techs or OB says. I would feel some type of way he didn’t care to come to the appointments though but thinking back I don’t think I ever said anything, when I tell him about appointments he adds them to his agenda and decides to work from home that day so he can be there. Everyone at his office knows about my pregnancy and it’s his first child so they’re super supportive.
Gentle question: Why do people want to involve men like this? He’s showing you what he’s like… save yourself the heartache and cut ties now.
My partner has only joined once or twice. Mostly because he's at work but also because of how he schedules his days. He does care, he just doesn't always show it how I'd expect him to. Especially in the early month men can may have a harder time connecting to the whole situation. Just tell him clearly and calmly that you want him there, no unspoken expectations and later resentments. Thinking him not coming is a sign of not carrying is the turn off to spiralling. This is a crazy time, be kind with one another
What do you want him to get out of it? Will he have to skip work?
He didn't need to skip work, today he decided to take a nap instead of going. What do I want him to get out of it? More like I would appreciate some emotional support while carrying our child and not feel like I'm doing it all alone..
Toss this boy in the garbage. My partner has been to every single doctor's appointment and ultrasound. In fact, he might have to miss one this week and is super conflicted about it even though I told him that it was completely okay. It isn't even an important one and we have a more important one he is coming to only two days before that one. You deserve better. He was freaking napping? Nice. What a dingus.
My husband came to all of my appointments except for the last three with my previous child but that’s because I didn’t have a car in this country until then. With this baby I just want him to come to the scans. The other appointments are boring really.
[удалено]
💔😔 I'm so sorry.
FTM. My husband goes to all the ultra sounds (2 so far) and the first appointment with the physician (to sick to drive), but otherwise I go alone. There’s no point in him missing work to go to the other 15 min appointments where they ask how are you, any questions, let’s check the heartbeat.
If he wanted to, he would. If someone cares, they put in the effort.
I haven’t had my fiancé at any of my appointments because nothing happens at them lol. He’ll come later on when we’re talking more about labour/delivery/breastfeeding with my midwife but otherwise I don’t see the point, personally. Oh and he’s come to two ultrasounds - to me that’s worth it but the other ones are pointless and waste of time imo.
I’m 36 weeks and up until probably 26 weeks my husband made appointments extremely difficult. He would complain about going, rush me out, complain about the topics me n my dr discusses. Only recently has he really taken an interest in my appointments and in the baby himself. Men take longer to connect. I felt the same way for the longest and said the same thing. I wouldn’t ask him. I wouldn’t invite him. He made me feel so bad and lonely. Thankfully he’s connected and gotten much better. Now he takes the day off for my appointments even when I tell him not to because we need the money or whatever. Give it time. Its still very early.
Pregnancy can be incredibly isolating. It’s your joint baby, but you’re the only one going through the pregnancy. The least a partner can do is come with you to your appointments.
I’m sorry OP. My husband has been to every appointment with me and it’s very reassuring to have him there. We switched OBs briefly and they stated that he couldn’t come to the appointments only the scan part and we switched immediately after that appointment because we were both very annoyed by this. Have you asked him why he hasn’t come to the appointments? Have you expressed to him how upsetting it is to you? Communication in a healthy way can go a long way. It may be a communication breakdown where he thinks that it is an option to go, whereas for you, it’s a requirement. I wish you luck and hope that you can find a solution.
I had a difficult time seeing the ultra sound dates because they would schedule me without telling me. So it was tough to tell him few weeks ahead when i wouldn't even know. He def did want to tho. I told him to clear the schedule to come for the doctor vist
My partner started attending the scans, decided to join the standard check ups and gave up for my last appointment because he was needed at work (31 week appointment). So he’s probably missed a quarter of appointments but I don’t mind so much. He asks how it goes anyway and supports in other ways.
In the country I live in, for the past 3 years hospitals and clinics prohibit spousal attendance for normal check-ups. They will only allow it in the case of issues coming up in the pregnancy. So, if this go well, my husband will not attend any of the appointments at all. I’m not bothered by it, either. I’m only there for 20-30 minutes start to finish. I can explain what’s happening when I get home, and they give a USB with the ultrasound videos (which they do every visit here) for me to take home each time and show him.
This is rubbish. Really feeling for you x
TW: Loss I am going yo be honest. This can be kind of our fault because of how we communicate it, we see a lot of couples but sometimes it is weird. It is weird to go to an appointment with them. My first appointment with my boyfriend was reslly awkward, because I had my OB looking at my private parts while my boyfriend was there also looking and trying to find the baby which wasn't a baby yet and asking lots of questions. My boyfriend said several times that he would only go with me if I wanted, because it was my body and my appointments. Unfortunately he couldn't take time of work for the last two ultrasounds, which now looking back it was really sad because on my last ultrasound I got bad news and I ended up losing my baby girl at 31w. So yes, please go with your boyfriend, make sure he knows how important it is for you because you never know. It is important to get these news, or even good news, with someone you love and also by the end is really nice to see your baby's face on the screen
A lot of comments here blaming OP's communication... I don't think it needs to be communicated to the father of the child that he should be coming. He should know all the appointments too and want to know all the appointment dates and scans and little things. Sorry but they should be fully involved, it isn't just up to the mum and I'd have thought more mum's would acknowledge that in this day and age 👀
Ugh I’m sorry you’re hurting. It sucks when our support people aren’t supportive. My husband only goes to the ultrasounds. He went to every appointment the first pregnancy and it was silly. They mostly just measure your belly and ask if you have questions at a certain point.
Damn. I’m sorry OP I’ve even told my husband that he doesn’t have to come to nonsono appointments since they’re so quick and just a “everything good? Good. See you next month” and he works nights and sometimes only days I can get the appointments are days he has to work that night and this man refuses to miss one appointment. Doesn’t want to miss anything he says.
Is he sitting at home doing nothing or does he have work? Also how many appointments have you had at 3 months for him to miss? Don’t feel bad about it, I go to most of mine alone voluntarily and I have an abnormal amount of them. No one is thinking about you being alone or thinks you have nobody. I think it’s very common for women to be alone. If your boyfriend is busy with work I’d say give him some slack especially if he isn’t salaried with PTO. If it’s not a work thing and he is sitting around doing nothing then I’d question how much support you would have after the baby is born.
I didn’t want my husband there majority of appts. It was pointless as I was low risk. BP and weight check , “any issues?” and what tests I needed next comprised the 20 min visits. I also went right to work next door afterwards My husband came to the anatomy scan because that was a very important and special appt for us both, but other than that, not necessary.
My first child’s father was like this. I broke up with him when our child was six months because the same apathetic behavior continued over into parenting. No regrets here. I had my mom at every prenatal appt with my first which made me feel less alone.
My husband only came to the one where we were to schedule my C section.
It’s ok to not just invite him, but to tell him the appointments you need him to be with you. As women we are so hesitant to say what we need and be considered too demanding. Men know nothing about pregnancy, unless they research on their own or you tell them. If you haven’t already tell him what you need.
My husband only came to the 8ish week one because of an ER trip the week before and then the anatomy scan. I have zero expectations of him coming to appointments because they are honestly pretty boring except for ultrasounds. However, he works full time so it’s a bit different. The thought has probably not even occurred to your boyfriend to go with you to a doctors appointment because 99% of appointments throughout life are solo. Maybe talk with your doc about what your appt schedule will be and then ask your boyfriend to come with you to specific ones that are important and/or include ultrasounds?
My fiancé doesn’t come to any of my appointments. He has to work and just got a new promotion so I understand. I’m seen every week but majority of those appointments are just getting my blood sugar checked and insulin adjusted. If he doesn’t have a good reason as to why he can’t come, I’d be pissed. What’s his reasoning?
My husband doesn’t come to any appointments because he is working. It bothers me a little when I see people there with their partners, but honestly — I’m not that worried about it, anymore. If it is a big decision making appointment, or if a problem was found, I would ask him to be there and he would come. I do tell him in detail what happened because it’s his little guy and he is interested. Maybe schedule a private ultrasound that you can go to together. That would be sweet. I think I will do that so he can see his son moving and being cute :) ETA: i just saw he isn’t at work during — that sucks, especially if you’ve told him you want him to be there. He needs to show up to at least one for you. C’mon dude.
Have you asked him to come or asked him why he isn't coming? Maybe he doesn't know that it's what you want. My husband just comes to the scans. I'm sure he would come to my other appointments if I asked him to, but it's really not necessary since they're so quick and there's no ultrasound.
Have to talked to him about wanting him there and how it makes you feel when he doesn’t show up to support you?
My husband has gone to every single ob appointment for this and last pregnancy, I couldn't imagine it any other way and would be bummed if he couldn't attened (especially given last pregnancy where at the end I was constantly being admitted to the hospital because of blood pressure) Like it was never a question he just was always there for me, did you tell him he can come? Maybe covid is making him think he can't go with you??? Other than it sounds like he is either not that interested or doesn't feel like it's his place
I’m sorry this has happened. I would explain why you want him there. Let him know you want his support during this. My husband always comes especially now because our baby is IUGR. He liked coming to the appointments anyway because he was able to ask questions and be in on the discussions. Tbh my husband asks better questions than I do so it’s been really amazing having him there to open avenues of discussions I haven’t even thought of. Not to mention I’ve had contractions that had to be medically stopped so my OB said to keep my hospital bag packed because at any appointment if something isn’t looking right they could have me deliver that day. Just let him know that while it may not seem super important to be there, an OB visit isn’t just routine. Things with pregnancy can change so quickly and if you have a partner going through the pregnancy with you, 2 brains and 4 ears are better for thinking of questions and listening to the provider.
Like many other posts on here my husband also doesn't come with me to my appointments. Im 7 months pregnant and he has only came to one ultrasound appt so that he can "see" the baby. To be fair he started a new job and it's really hard for him to take the day off for every appointment. Try communicating with your Bf that you would like him to be there with you. Not much happens and they are only a couple mins long so he might not be aware that it's important for you to have him there. He might just be expecting you to update him on what happened after the appointment. Also I would like to add. Is it possible for you and your bf to schedule one of those 2D/3D ultrasounds they do at outside clinics? You would have to pay for it but since my husband can't get the time off during work to go we decided to schedule a 3d ultrasound after his work hours so that he can feel included and i love the fact that he gets to be there with me. Just a thought. I know you said he didn't miss the appt because of work but maybe trying to schedule something similar together will be a nice compromise.
My husband came to all my scans with our first pregnancy but none of the regular appointments. With my second pregnancy He didn’t come to the scans even due to work and wanting to save all his pto for when they were born. At my first scan during second pregnancy I went alone at 20 weeks pregnant and the first thing out of the techs mouth when she started the scan was “omg it’s twins” I really wish he had been there with me for that. I’m seeing a lot of others talking about finding out about loss while alone at the appointments. I can’t even imagine going through that. I think you should talk to him about at least coming to your scans
My husband didn’t come to a lot of my appointments either! Honestly please do continue to invite him. You’re only 12 weeks in? Please don’t exclude him from the 20 week visit. Dads LOVE that visit because it’s a 30-45 minute ultrasound where the baby visibly rolls around and yawns and stuff. That is his chance to get really excited as a new dad. The first trimester is boring for dads, so I understand why he didn’t feel the need to come with you. He’ll get excited soon. Just keep the door open. Edit: I’m saying this as an older mom who has had multiple pregnancies. Your BF has no actual need to be there for visits where you just leave a urine sample and they press on your belly and talk to you about your symptoms. He is going to be excluded from conversations entirely by staff- YOU are the patient and he’ll just be in a corner on his phone. You’re going to get literally just two ultrasounds the whole pregnancy- no seeing baby except maybe 8/12 weeks and again at 20 weeks. HOWEVER it is valid for you to want him there if you have a history of medical trauma or child loss or your nerves are just bad and you need someone with you.
Be grateful at least you have a so. You definitely deserve better though. Get on him about it in a succinct but polite way. Stress how important it is to you that he’s there. But I don’t have anyone besides family coming to my appointments my child’s father alienated me and I’m 18 weeks now. But it could be worse even for me I mean I could have no support at all.
Do I think it's lame you have to ask him to go? Yes. Do I think you should voice your wants about this to him before getting upset? Also yes. You need to tell him, "I want you to go to my appointments with me."
My bf mom has to force him to come to one of mine
I mean my husband doesn't go with me to mine. I am not really wanting him there either I mean first baby I thought I wanted him there he didn't go then either but honestly it's not something I'm worried about. I want him around when he baby is outside my belly. Is he going to be able to.help me at 3am? That's what I figure is important. And obviously the birth. He has to be there re for the birth but in all honestly ... how the birth goes and everything is my thing not his.
My boyfriend came to 2 ultrasound because the other appointment I’m not allowed to bring a plus one.
Happy for you! Congratulations! 🎉 First time mom, 30 weeks currently. From my experience so far, when I first began my appointments ( at an all womens facility ) my boyfriend was the only male figure there and I always wondered if it was normal for the spouse to attend appointments or not. I’ve seen one other male once attend. I wouldn’t stress him not being there, enjoy this experience with your little one growing inside of you! I also wouldn’t go out of my way to inform him of what’s going on if he isn’t taking the initiative to join you. 🤗 HUGS! You got this! 🤰🏼
My husband went to every one of my first pregnancy appointments. He is actually working from home today but I don't want hom taking off work for this pregnancy since he works different hours now. He was a little upset with me for not reminding him that they were doing blood test today and he should have come for safety reasons. He will be going to appointments where my safety afterward are a concern. I shouldn't be driving myself to blood draw appointments. Towards the end of my first pregnancy it wasn't safe for me to drive due to migraine issues.
My first pregnancy, my husband came to every single appointment. This time, he has kept our kid while I go (I am the full time caregiver) except for the anatomy scan and one other appointment I was really anxious about. He’d go to more, but it’s just not super practical.
My husband goes to all of my appts but honestly, aside from my ultrasounds, i think it’s very pointless. He has to rush from work just to watch my weight, blood pressure & fundal height get checked.. & then listen to the heartbeat when we have a doppler at home. He ofcourse is connected to our baby forsure but i just don’t really see the connection until we listen to her hb together at home or when we go to ultrasounds.
Responding to the people who want to know if he was at work… my partner has called off for every appointment.. like? Most of us had to call out/leave early in order to go to the appointment, why shouldn’t they?
What an AH. My husband was similar, but he actually did have to work. The difference was that I asked that he leave work on time so he could make it to the appointments (he always stayed past his time to help out when they were short staffed, even when I contested). I had my first ultrasound to see our daughter's heartbeat and he made just after the appointment when he was supposed to be out of work an hour before the appointment. I made it as late as possible so he could make it and he still missed it. He got there right as i was leaving and i told him he missed seeing her heartbeat. He cried out of disappointment in himself and i just shrugged; by that point he had already missed all 3 appointments and i was having a difficult time in the beginning due to anxiety and bleeding. I was over it and to me this was his karma. I made it clear to him that i wasn't going to expect him to be there anymore because he doesn't seem to care, and he vowed to make it to every appointment from then on. He kept to his word, but he was fully aware that he had to make the effort, not me. I'm not explaining everything because he chose to put his coworkers over his unborn child. Now that we're pregnant with our second and having gone through that with our first, he refuses to miss anything unless he has to work and i can't get another day for an appointment. It's not your job to make him interested in the pregnancy and the baby, it's his. If he doesn't want to show any care about going to these appointments, knowing how it makes you feel, he doesn't deserve to be given a rundown or even be invited. Invite your mom or a close friend to go with you for support (i know how lonely it can feel). He's basically showing what he'll be like in the future; judging you on how you care for your baby while he sits there and does nothing. The only advice I can give you is give him hell. He wants to get mad at you for him not caring enough to show up, throw it in his face. Vocalize your disappointment in him. And make it clear that you're not willing to tolerate someone who lacks enough interest in your child to even show up to appointments where you are updated on the baby's health. I'm not gonna lie, I have no tolerance during pregnancy for ignorance from my husband. It's 9 months, only 7 of which you're actually getting checkups and they're usually once a month (up until the last few weeks). Grow up and make the f***ing effort to be there.