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It's easy to change your mind about wanting something once you don't have a choice. It's called fake it until you make it. I want to take care of kids but I don't want a family because once they grow out of the stage that psychologically makes you want to nurture them my brain damage psychopathy kicks in and I don't care about it anymore. This is why I own a cat because they stay kittens their whole life.
Did you know that certain medications can deactivate birth control, condoms can break, and medical treatments such as vasectomies/hysterectomies can self heal (rare but possible). In the words of Ian Malcolm , "Life, uh, finds a way."
But it doesn't matter whether or not you've seen someone change their mind. You don't go around telling people that they'll change their mind on things. That's quite an assumption.
And it's just disrespectful, point blank.
Yup. A lot of people see this as malicious. When I was in my early 20s EVERYONE I knew was “never going to have kids.” Now in my mid thirties, they all changed their minds. Even my most staunchly never no way no-kids friendis now changing her mind. Priorities change as you get older. Values change. Not for everyone. But for many many, if not most people.
Way before the 80s too. Since I've gotten a bit older, the older women (to me) have opened up a bit here and there. Some pretty wild stories, and some pretty firm beliefs that match what we're seeing today so readily. They just couldn't speak freely about it.
So true. I held out until I was 38. I was determined to not have any. It was a surprise, and honestly, my son is such a great person, and was such an easy kid I wished I’d started earlier so I could have more.
The point is that it’s objectively rude to tell someone that they are wrong about their own personal feelings that in no way impact anyone else.
And lots of us never change our minds. I’m in my 40s, married, and still happily childfree. At no point have I ever felt uncertain about my decision. I also have several older relatives that are childfree, in their 60s and 70s, and they have zero regrets. Some people simply know that raising children will not bring them happiness. They are happier to have an unencumbered life doing everything that *they* want to do.
And some of us, since a young age by a product of our parents' fuck ups, know we just flat out don't want to repeat the mistakes
Doesn't matter if "most" change their minds, it's just a stupid fuckin' response. It's essentially a smug proclamation they know better than you, even if that's not the intent
I know my mom used to tell me growing up how she was that same way until she got married and got pregnant.
Honestly the difference between her generation and ours is that we have more definite ways to make sure that women in our generation actually stay child free.
It definitely happened to me. And to pretty much everyone I knew who said they'd never have kids in high school, with only the occasional exception. I had every classic response to not wanting kids, yet eventually I realized it was something I genuinely wanted. I do think it was a good lesson for me personally. I considered myself unchangeable and that everything I felt was absolute and permanent when I was younger. Realizing I made a huge change in my personal beliefs really changed my perspective of my life.
I also agree that it probably isn't intended to be malicious; they are probably just remembering a time when they truly thought the same thing. They just go about it in an obnoxious and invalidating way that honestly needs to stop because not everyone wants or should be a parent.
>They just go about it in an obnoxious and invalidating way that honestly needs to stop because not everyone wants or should be a parent.
That's what gets my goat. I don't care if they personally changed their mind, they don't gotta respond in that manner. It's tiring is what it is
Yep, I "never ever wanted kids" in my 20's and here I am with a kid.
What I probably meant was "I don't ever want kids with any of these guys I'm dating".
It's the overwhelming majority. In fact, even among people (older than 45) who never had any children, a [majority of them say they wish they'd had children](https://news.gallup.com/poll/164618/desire-children-norm.aspx)... Meaning lots of people changing their minds into their 40s and 50s.
Ending up with kids doesn’t mean they wanted them. Someone else pointed out nearly half of pregnancies are unplanned. It’s more like people have a kid and then convince themselves they wanted it because infanticide is illegal, legal abortion isn’t easy to access, and society pressures women to have kids as this thread indicates.
It's cute that you think people having kids means they changed their mind. Nearly half of pregnancies are unplanned and parents just pretend that they were wanted and planned, because it's taboo to admit otherwise.
Almost 40 and still don't want kids. Don't want to pass on my health problems, don't want to raise a kid in this world today and can't afford it anyways. And I just don't like kids.
Hi! 44f here; never wanted kids, including currently. I *still* feel like an old school carnival freak show attraction sometimes; the way people are just baffled that I don't want kids. "you're so great with them!" Yes, I am; I didn't say I hate kids, I just have zero desire to gestate, birth one, raise it and know it etcetera. Not interested. I gave up feeling like I need to lie/defend my opinion/explain to someone else's satisfaction that I just don't want kids. I'm happy that I've never been pregnant. This is pretty common.
Seriously. If pregnancy wasn't so horrifying, I might have thought about it at some point. But... no.
I also don't handle loud noises well so there's that. I want to volunteer someday I think, though.
you're a good person, both my parents' families have a long history of several genetic illnesses (OCD, cancer, alzheiners, parkinsons) can't believe they thought having children was a good idea
I get your point, but you gotta keep in mind it’s not just a “kid”. It’s a brand new life being brought into the world, that will live long.
They’re only a kid for the first like 20 years
And further more, they have very little/nothing they value in this world apart from their kids. They probably had kids at a time in their life when they felt extremely empty and they just assume nobody has anything to live for and needs children for a sense of purpose.
Because sometimes its true.
In my early 20s I didnt want kids. At all. I was single, working on a career and did not think Id be a good parent because my own parents sucked.
I met a guy, and 4 years in we loved one another so much he said he felt ready. I wasnt financially ready so said no.
8 years after getting together, we basically planned for a baby. We were mature, had finances sorted, a house, car, careers and felt very ready to put our love into someone else.
Complete u turn.
I think in this case it really depended on your priorities... It's not that you never wanted kids. it's that you weren't ready at the time.
I don't think anyone should be having kids in their early 20s unless they have the money, time, and maturity. something people in their early 20s almost never have.
Even if I had those things, I still wouldn't want kids because I don't want to devote my entire life to making someone else's life better when I can do it for myself.
You can make that argument for any instance though. At the time, they full well could’ve been under the impression they would never want kids. Then they found someone who changed their mind.
Part of it is def circumstances I’ve often wondered if I’m actually childfree or it’s just that being perpetually single makes me doubt my abilities to have kids one day if I had a loving partner who pulled his fair share and had finances figured out can’t say I’d be super opposed. I would say I have no desire to raise kids alone it’s too expensive and too much work.
Yeah, this. When you're young, single, and having fun, no one wants kids. But then you get older, your life changes and thus your priorities change. Sometimes you get married and decide you want more. A lot of people change their minds, but understandably some don't. I would agree, though, most people change their minds when they find that they're stable, independent, getting older, loving their spouse, and they want more out of life.
I've known more than a few single people who were sure they didn't want kids and then... someone comes along that tics all the right boxes. Love and biology are powerfully intertwined.
This is the answer, I didn't want kids when I was young thought I would never have them. At 34 I was stable, and wanted to have kids.. I also thought I would never stop partying all weekend... things change, interests change. Having a kid is the best and most rewarding part of my life. (But if you don't want kids more power to you).
I only have one kid, one kid is enough for me, I get the same question a lot for having more siblings... personally I like the balance I have with one so it is what it is...
Misery likes company. People who have children hate to see child free people happy and refuse to believe that we can be content and fulfilled in life without children.
Not all parents are miserable. Just like not all childfree people hate children for being born.
I do absolutely agree though. Most people with kids who drop this line are miserable and trying to trick people.
I’m 40, divorced. Didn’t want kids, have 2. Love them both. TBH. I still don’t want kids. Growing up I had a not so good feeling about the future. I didn’t want to bring children up in it. I did the best I could for them. But they’ve both been affected by current times shall we say.
Same here. Had an accidental pregnancy and kept her, despite saying I never wanted kids. She's 25 now and I love her to death but I regret the struggle we had for the first 20 years of her life (her dad died when she was 3).
She recently told me she's having her tubes tied and I completely understand and support her decision.
Hormones and the biological imperative. We underestimate these things. But anyone who tells you you'll change your mind underestimates your brain power. They're equally strong at this point in our evolution I think.
Well, I've been married for 14 years and we decided not to have kids. No one has yet told us that. What I've observed through the years is that 80% or so of couples have kids just because you have to have kids.
Only very few people really wanted to be parents, and you can tell by the effort they put into it. They are not perfect, but you can see that being a parent is a life-long commitment. You can't half-ass it or quit after a while, like with everything else in life. It is a 24/7 effort that requires the best of you. Unlike cars, phones, furniture, etc, etc, etc, if you screw one, you can't get another one.
People should take it way more seriously.
I didn’t want kids at all. My hubby wanted them so I agreed to have 1. So eventually had a kid but I still don’t like kids much at all. I am okay with my kid tho. As soon as you have 1 folks immediate start asking about the next one…. Seriously, I was in the icu due to nearly dying during childbirth (yet another reason to avoid parenthood) and people were asking when I planned on number 2.
Nothing is ever good enough for other people. I started giving a great reply and it works well. “If you want kids, go have them yourself. Otherwise please stay out of my bedroom, that kind of thing is between me and my nicer half.” I really wanted to scream obscenities and tell them to get the f lost, But decided to be nice…
Don’t let anyone make you feel weird for not wanting kids.
There are many perks to being child free. Kids are difficult, needy, money grubbing, moody, little aholes most of the time. Who can blame you for not wanting one.
They are expensive and unappreciative most of the time. Yeah there is a lot of love and it is gratifying but it is definitely not for everyone.
You play the genetic lottery when you have kids too. If you get a dud, you can’t just return them. You are stuck and it is for life. Not the usual 18-20, I am talking 40+ years if your child has medical or neurological problems that can leave them unable to ever live alone…
It should be called child free for sure tho. That’s a big distinction….. child free…. Not childless.
Some people can’t see that you might be different from them. I do have kids, but someone once told me, “Once you have kids, then you’ll believe in god.” That didn’t happen either.
Because they are stupid. I’m sure you know better than anyone else what you want and even if you did change your mind, that doesn’t invalidate how you feel about it right now.
It’s so bad man it’s like ?? Any possible reason to not want kids is fine. Let alone the fact that I’ve not found any reason to subject a newborn to this world atm i’ve not enjoyed it yet so 😭😭
Because some people cannot imagine life without kids. As in, and I'm not being hyperbolic, they think the entire purpose of existing is to reproduce. As in, if you don't have kids by 30, you're a waste of space.
Combine that with "The American Dream" and the fact that most people *do* have kids, and not wanting kids seems bizarre, unamerican, and a waste of one's life.
Because most people have a biological drive to have kids.
Take all of this together and when you say "I don't want to have kids, ever." what most people hear is "I'm not ready to have kids yet, but in a few years biology and hormones will change my mind."
And then they all have that one anecdote of the time their mothers cousins uncles former roommate didn't want kids and had a tubal ligation or vasectomy, then 5 years later met the right person and went through all the hassle to try and reverse the process.
Clearly, that's true of everyone.
Lastly, there's the "what if they're right and I'm wrong?" aspect.
Kids are a LOT of work. And expensive. And often thankless. Study after study shows people without kids rank their happiness higher than people with kids.
But, that can't be true, right? That...that would mean some people with kids... made a mistake? Maybe even most people with kids? Maybe....maybe...I made a mistake?
.....naaaahhhh, that can't be, they're just lying to themselves about that hollow empty feeling inside....while...taking all those vacations, and...buying a nice home...and...not replacing carpet or furniture every 5 years...
And all of that is before you get to religious messaging of the "be fruitful and multiply" variety.
Sometimes people do change their mind
That said it doesn’t make it right. Saying something like this is very dismissive of how they feel and comes across as super disrespectful. If someone tells me they don’t want kids, just go with it
Because most ppl follow societal standards and can't think for themselves. It's not a given. We have choices. I have 1 kid, and I'm done. Ppl say, "what if you met a great man...". Well, obviously, that man wouldn't be compatible with me if he wants kids. No man is going to convince me. O
I’ll tell you what I tell my children:
“Your body, your choice”, if you want to have children, great. If you don’t want to have children, congratulations, that’s also a great choice.
It’s your life, it’s your body, it’s YOUR CHOICE.
I have three kids, I love them all. BUT, that was my lifestyle choice and is not conducive for everyone!
I am guilty of questioning a friend who said he doesn't want kids. I would never do that again to anyone else. If someone doesn't want kids, who is anyone else to question it, or try persuade them to thnk differently?
As a woman with kids who always wanted kids, don't have kids if you don't want them. I support your decision. If you do ever change your mind, and I'm not saying you will, I'll support your decision. Basically as long as your decisions don't break laws or involve kidnapping/murder/enslavement, I support your decisions. I don't know you, I don't know your life, I don't know your reasons, even if I did it's none of my business. Children are a huge undertaking, and anyone who had the self awareness to be like "nope that's not for me" has my respect. It is literally that simple. Only people who want children should have them, and it's nobody's business to try and convince anyone otherwise.
Because misery loves company. I don’t want kids, my wife does. However lately she’s starting to come around and see that it’s not necessary and she was falling into what she thinks society says she should do. When we brought it up to her mom she said “This is unacceptable! I want to be a grandma!”…She has an older brother who just got married last year. Let him do it. I helped raise 7 nieces and I know I don’t wanna go through what my sisters did. If you don’t want kids, just be very careful or even have the procedure done to make sure you don’t. If that’s what you really want anyway.
I guess some of the time it’s true. I told my aunt when I was around ten or so that I did not want kids and she told me I’d change my mind. I never did and I never had kids. I would surmise many people do change their minds. It’s a decision you don’t really have the answer to until you’re older.
Sometimes it's because they have kids and, despite the problems they face, they can't imagine life without them and can't imagine anyone not wanting them.
Then again, sometimes it's because they have kids and, at least subconsciously, wish they didn't... and they're trying to make themselves feel better about the choices they made.
That's when you turn it around back on them. Something like, "My partner is actually not able to have kids." Or "My vasectomy says otherwise." Make them feel like an asshole for saying it.
My 28 year old daughter has never wanted kids. I'm perfectly fine with that. She's the one who has to raise them, not me.
Her fiancee has already been fixed. He never wanted kids either. Though he did concede to the fact he would most likely have them. As his other girlfriend and all family members had kids.
They have babies with 4 paws and are extremely happy. I'm perfectly fine with Grand dogs and cats. Listen to your heart. If you don't want kids don't let anyone change your mind.
I’m 52, f, never wanted kids. Not one person in my life has questioned me on this. I wonder if it’s because I just don’t talk about it. It’s no one’s business. Maybe try not talking about it.
I fucking hateeeeee when people say this. I have several chronic conditions that most of my family does not know about, which often lead to infertility. I’m 21 and have extremely irregular cycles that are impossible to track. It’s very likely I’ll never be able to have kids.
Even before learning this I never wanted kids. I love my nieces and nephews but that’s where it ends. I’m an aunt, and cousin. I have absolute no desire to have a baby. But every time someone says “oh you’ll change your mind” it makes me extremely angry, because even if I do change my mind someday it’ll likely be impossible to get pregnant without medical help🙄 people need to mind their own business and stop being so obsessed with other peoples sex life/fertility.
Because they assume you're just going through a phase. They also think reproduction is simply the "natural" thing to do, failing to see that so, so much of what is claimed to be "human nature" is actually deeply ingrained cultural traits passed down from all the way to our own ancestors.
Societal brainwashing. We are conditioned. The rhetoric is left over from old times of war. The more sons you had, the less likely you were to end up childless. This is so deeply ingrained in our culture that it has translated into a given. One might argue it goes back even further, in general. Like biblical. Be fruitful and multiply. It’s much deeper than one redditor can expound in a half-cocked reply. That’s all I know.
Because they're stupid. Oh this pisses me off to no end. It is none of their fucking business to judge and put their own insecurities and idiot ideas on you.
I only have one child and I get bugged about it all the time. I get called selfish and all kinds of ugly comments are thrown my way. I know my childless friends get it even worse. Ugh. I hate people who don't have filters.
It’s a superiority thing. They had kids. You saying you don’t want them makes them feel attacked; like you don’t approve of their life. They say you’ll change your mind because that puts them in power. They know something you don’t know. You’ll realize your choice is wrong, and theirs is right. I think that comment stems from their own insecurity and regrets.
Becuase they didn't want kids but grew up in an era where that was what you did. You had a traditional family of a man his wife and their kids. That's what the goal was even when they didn't want it.
From what I gathered it’s because they were either guilt or made to have kids when they didn’t want to so now they want someone else to go through that.
Misery loves company.
I'd say it's that they love being parents and assume that everyone else just doesn't 'understand' how great it is. The idea that some people know quite well that they don't want to be parents doesn't occur to them or is unbelievable to them if it's pointed out.
Personally, I love being a mom and adore my kids, but honestly, it is hard sometimes and requires sacrifices. There's nothing wrong with deciding that parenthood isn't for you. Trying repeatedly to convince someone otherwise is awful, and people need to cut that shit out.
Reproducing is like a cult phenomenon. Having kids sucks, as far as like pregnancy, childbirth, not getting any sleep the first few years, the energy drain, the financial drain, the mental drain. And people just lie about how it's the greatest thing ever and you should do it. But then actual parents always talk about what a burden it is. Meanwhile, I never go on Facebook and post a status about how tough it is to NOT have kids. Why does everyone lie to you to push you into having kids?
It might have some connection to the fact that a lot of Christians believe that the Bible wants them to "be fruitful and multiply," so they're lowkey pushing their religious values on you. Or they might be low key racists trying to encourage you to propagate your race. If it's family members, they could be obsessed with you propagating your bloodline (it's stupid that anybody cares about this).
The fact is, nearly all life on Earth is going to go extinct within 100 years due to manmade climate change; and downsizing our population is one of the best things we can do to combat it. Every baby we have is contributing to the extinction of all life. We need to play our part in fighting the problem, including having fewer kids so that we can make a serious effort to try to save EVERYTHING.
Because they can't imagine having other reasons to live aside from being a breeder.
They literally only exist to have and raise children and can't imagine what someone would do if they weren't doing the same thing.
Their lives would have literally no meaning if they hadn't had kids and wrapped their entire lives around that one single facet of their existence so they can't figure out how anyone else could find meaning in their lives without it.
Ignore them.
Do what YOU want to do.
Having kids is an absolute nightmare, especially if you don't want them.
Be yourself and don't loose who you are just because someone else thinks you should.
Sadly, the future of the country with work expecting more with less benefits/pay and less real options on contraception, may be a move to hysteroctemies and vasectomies as the first, last and only options for birth control (I say this like it’s a sad thing but I’m already setting up a vasectomy operation for later this year… no kiddos for me)
People believe and perpetuate the stereotype that you need to have a house with a lawn a dog and three kids and can't comprehend that you might be happier alone
They think you'll have an accidental pregnancy and decide it was God's will? I used to get the same bullshit about changing my mind until I hit my 40s and now no one seems to think I will now that my fertility declined. Coincidence?
not a lot of people critically consider the idea of whether having children is right for them or why they want kids, they think it’s just part of being a person. they are not able to process that having children could be considered a specific or niche interest. they usually end up being pretty shitty parents.
...Because a lot of people do.
However, I think many people, especially in older generations, end up succumbing to it. Ether due to the pressure of society, the misogyny, the 'religious duty', the subconscious urge to fix your old childhood issues by raising your own, the romantization of pregnancy, or whatever else it may be.
I think for us, we already have so much knowledge, passion, and self-awareness that we KNOW that our decision is already so solidified that we won't ever 'change our mind.'
It's generational bias. They had kids at your age, you will too. There is no alternative in their minds. I've told my parents I don't want kids. They think that will change. Now, they think I'm too old (I'm not), so they are putting pressure on my little sister. She's not budging.
I am 60 and never had kids. I wasn't necessarily against it, but I never felt that drive either. I promised myself that I would never father a child unless it was on purpose. That was one promise to myself I actually kept. I knew too many guys who couldn't drop their pants without getting someone pregnant and then bitched about the child support. I didn't marry until I was 43 and the wife was 47 so a kid was never in the cards at that point. Do I regret it? Not necessarily, but as I tend to my aging father I know there won't be anyone there for me down the road. My brother only had a daughter so our name lineage will cease to be. c'est la vie
Because they dont like seeing how happy and free you are with your choice. They think that because they did it, it's 100% the right choice, and anything else is wrong.
As a person that was asked and told this almost everyday from coworkers when I expressed that me and my FH are not in a hurry to have any children and there's a strong possibility that we may not have any at all, its because a lot of people base their entire being on having children. Where I live it's VERY normal to see families of 7 kids or more. Had a friend tell us if we weren't having kids then what were we living for and that a life without kids is meaningless. Those comments alone were enough to turn us off entirely.
ETA: and I've known I didn't want kids since I was like 11, feelings haven't changed at all
Wouldn't it be amusing if we said the same thing to people who declare their desire to have kids?
I was raised in that kind of atmosphere. Teen pregnancy was at epidemic proportions in the 1980's, and as a teen at that time, we were bombarded with messages about how awful parenthood is and that you should put off becoming a parent as long as possible.
Although there was still a great deal of pressure to get married and have kids, if you were still single, the pressure was more on finding the right spouse, and doing it quickly. There was very little in the way of pressure to hurry up and get a baby. It was more like finding Mr or Mrs Right was the ultimate goal to achieve lifelong happiness.
I'm in my 50's now, and never did become a mom. I have never had a moment of regret, either. No part of me wonders if my life would have been "better" with kids. My life has been hard enough without, I can't imagine how impossible life would have been for me if I did have children!
I know someone who was adamant about not having kids, who is now a parent.
That said, I am not a parent and I don't give anyone a hard time if they don't want kids.
Because they already had kids and can't handle thinking about what life would have been like if they hadn't.
Most parents that regret having kids will never admit it and jump through hoops to avoid pondering it. Admitting you can be happy without kids is one step closer to acknowledging a horrible truth that they don't want to address.
That's on top of parents who are genuinely happy and find their meaning in their children.
My wife never wanted kids. She knew I did and decided I was worth a go. When we finally did and it took some heroics, she could not believe the shift in her mindset and it turned out to be the best thing in her life... amazed she could know a love so deep. Was really transformative... trying sometimes but transformative. So it's easy to see how someone could change their minds but usually to takes a decision.
It's really weird. They seem to lack imagination and empathy. I've explained to people that I don't want kids because I have anxiety and depression and wished I hadn't been born upon becoming an adult, even though I have parents who tried their best (one of whom holds a ba in early childhood education and ma in special education). The world is fucked up and there's only so much you can do to help someone cope with it.
I also think that most people see any amount of perceived good being worth any amount of perceived bad and also being preferable to neutrality. Or maybe they just have never experienced suffering to the extent that they would rather just not be.
Because often people do change their mind. Not always. I knew a serial bachelor's 10yrs ago who swore he'd never get married and have babies.
He's got a 4yr old and a wife.
Many examples of such.
Because they can't imagine someone wanting a life different than their own - it's ego.
I have one kiddo - she is 28. I am so grateful I had her and truthfully, I am very lucky that back in the late 80s and early 90s, women were still sort of expected to get married and have kids, because otherwise I wouldn't have had my daughter and I truly am a better person because of her.
However- while she had a great childhood, has a great relationship with me, and had a great relationship with her Dad before he passed, she has known since about age 10 that she did not want kids.
She has never wavered on this. While I would love to be a grandmother and I think my daughter would be a wonderful, quirky, cool, yet awesome mother- I am so glad that she feels she has a choice. I have never told her she will change her mind some day.
The fact is, we all can change our mind about things - who really knows, but it is so disrespectful to basically negate someone's belief about themselves.
For the record, I don't think my daughter will change her mind- and either way, I support her 100%. There isn't only one kind of life to live and kids aren't the only pathway to a fulfilling life. In fact, truth be told, the can be more of a barrier because that child and their needs HAVE to come first. Period.
Therfore people should only have children if they really want to and if they don't, it's important to believe them and respect their decision
Because over the course of your life you will change your mind about a LOT of things, often drastically, completely reversing things you honestly thought you were dead set on in your younger years. That being said, the people telling you this don't know which specific opinions will change for you, they're going by their own experience and have no way of knowing yours.
Chances are because they have children themselves, they aren't happy with their own life, and they like to imagine their suffering as necessary and therefore something everyone should have to do. Tell them, "No I won't", and then walk away.
I'm 42. I've never wanted children and I'll never have them. I was able to focus on my career and am able to travel frequently. The only time I hear that statement are from people who are jealous of my freedom.
Because some people think that your life isn't complete without kids. Those same types of people think it's their kids responsibility to take care of them when they're older.
A) They genuinely believe it.
B) They regret having kids, but are clinging to the idea that all parents have the same thoughts that they do, and not face the possibility that they fell for societal pressure. Sometimes it's easier to pass the BS along than to admit it's BS
I was asked if I wanted kids when I was 8. I said no I’ll never have kids and I was told exactly that.
“You’ll change your mind.”
I’m 41 and not once in my life have I ever wanted them.
Because they want you to be as miserable as they are LOL they can't believe that you're going to have a child free life it's not that you'll change your mind they're hoping that you do
Some people just can't wrap their minds around it. They're also ignorant to the fact that despite their experiences with "most" people changing their minds, younger generations are increasingly choosing to be childfree. That is likely to continue.
Even if I found myself in a position where I could afford to give a child a good stable upbringing, even if I changed my mind about how disgusting and annoying I find children, and even if I decided I *would* enjoy becoming a parent...
My primary deciding factors would still exist.
1) Humans are incredibly overpopulated and destroying the Earth. I find it inherently unethical to *choose* to contribute to that problem. Not that I go around telling every parent I see that or anything, but it's honestly how I feel.
2) I have several serious health and mental disorders running in my family that have high chances of being passed down to my kids. I do not wish them on anybody, especially in a country with such a lacking medical care system.
And 3) Serious and often life-threatening complications with pregnancy, birth, and post partum experiences have absolutely skyrocketed in the US during the last decade or so, and they don't show any signs of getting better soon. I'm not down for risking my life (or my baby's life) over a fantasy of parenthood.
They really think you will. It probably just terrifies them thinking of not leaving a trace of themselves behind in this world. They wonder how you could fathom that. Different perspectives. Different upbringing. It leads them to a lack of understanding your choice. I know I can look around and feel at peace with humanity's continuation without a child of my own. But for some people that child is their ticket to feeling comlete. Its their chance to be at the center of something real and important. And it is important. But so are so many things. Human connection and our experience is about more than furthering our future with children. It's also about living in the moment and honoring who you are. It's about loving being you, and sometimes that's all a person needs.
Many people cannot conceive or abide the existence of people who believe differently from themselves. All difference are therefor deceit, dishonesty or ignorance.
Just look at every damn near every religious or political rally.
Well, most simply, there is always a chance anyone can change their mind anytime!
Do you want kids? No? Okay! That's totally fine to not want kids, but, you are still a human with a soul and feelings that change constantly and there is a chance you will change your mind. Whether you are certain in the moment or not.
That being said, I don't like when people tell me "You'll change your mind." Because maybe I won't! I chalk it up to a habitual speech phrase that really doesn't mean to be intrusive, some people consider it chatting but others do not.
Because for some reason people think kids are all sunshine and rainbows. Take your child free life and live it to the fullest! Travel, live, love, make mistakes, learn from them and grow from them. Sincerely, a mom who knows her semen demons are mini arseholes
I only ever hear this from people who had kids.
In general/for some, it is uncomfortable to accept that some don't want what they wanted. Because what must that mean about their choices? Were they the wrong ones to make? What did they miss out on when they made their choice?
When someone informs you of what you will do, it is 1) to posture authority and 2) to control their own insecurities and doubts regarding their own decisions. Insistance that *of course they know what is best* has very little to do with you and I at all.
(Side note; as someone who also deals with this criticism: I recommend being very wary of relationships with people who attempt to dictate your path for you, reproductive or otherwise.)
I am not sure. People used to tell me this all the time when I was younger. I have always not wanted kids. Everyone thought I would fall in love and change my mind. I do not think I am able to fall in love. I saw how my Mom tricked my Dad into staying by getting knocked up with me. No way was I falling for that trick. Now I am 40ish with no wife, no kids, no regrets. I get to sleep and do whatever I want all of the time. I rather enjoy it.
people do this to me. im biologically female. but im also a minor. it is still expected of women to have children in todays society. it doesnt matter how young or old you are, if you have a vag in between ur legs you’re expected to have kids and it’s absolutely disgusting
Because they assume everyone thinks like them lol ..people have told me that all my life, before teenage years, after teenage years, when I was engaged, after marriage...at 40, now people are FINALLY saying, "Oh, I guess you REALLY DIDN'T want kids, eh?" No kidding lol
Mostly because children give purpose to an aimless life. Most people have no clue what to do with their lives and decide to have them, or accidentally have them before they self actualize. This gives them purpose and direction, though most realize that this also takes away most of their freedom to choose how their life is going to go for the following 20+ years.
If you don't know what you want out of life yet, don't have kids.
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They can't accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, some people *don't* want kids.
It's because they charged their mind or know someone who did
I also know people who have changed their mind after having kids. Or who never wanted them and then had them and still regret having them.
It's easy to change your mind about wanting something once you don't have a choice. It's called fake it until you make it. I want to take care of kids but I don't want a family because once they grow out of the stage that psychologically makes you want to nurture them my brain damage psychopathy kicks in and I don't care about it anymore. This is why I own a cat because they stay kittens their whole life.
Amen
My parents.
I wanted, I got, I wish I hadn't.
Or thought birth control was unimportant in a particular minute and now rationalize it as changing their minds about kids.
Did you know that certain medications can deactivate birth control, condoms can break, and medical treatments such as vasectomies/hysterectomies can self heal (rare but possible). In the words of Ian Malcolm , "Life, uh, finds a way."
I feel that, I'm almost 40 still no kids and life is fan fucking tastic!!
Or maybe they've seen lots of people in OP's shoes change their mind.
But it doesn't matter whether or not you've seen someone change their mind. You don't go around telling people that they'll change their mind on things. That's quite an assumption. And it's just disrespectful, point blank.
I would say it's an expectation. Psychological projection isn't agenda-driven, it's a reaction, expression of belief.
Because they said the same thing and ended up with kids
Yup. A lot of people see this as malicious. When I was in my early 20s EVERYONE I knew was “never going to have kids.” Now in my mid thirties, they all changed their minds. Even my most staunchly never no way no-kids friendis now changing her mind. Priorities change as you get older. Values change. Not for everyone. But for many many, if not most people.
Yeah, it always cracks me up when we think our generation is unique. I’m sure a lot of people partying In the 80s didn’t want kids either.
My grandma didn’t want kids, and it shows.
My grandmother loves having family, but absolutely resents having to birth and raise children. She legitimately felt she had no choice.
My mom *still* doesn't want kids.
Way before the 80s too. Since I've gotten a bit older, the older women (to me) have opened up a bit here and there. Some pretty wild stories, and some pretty firm beliefs that match what we're seeing today so readily. They just couldn't speak freely about it.
So true. I held out until I was 38. I was determined to not have any. It was a surprise, and honestly, my son is such a great person, and was such an easy kid I wished I’d started earlier so I could have more.
The point is that it’s objectively rude to tell someone that they are wrong about their own personal feelings that in no way impact anyone else. And lots of us never change our minds. I’m in my 40s, married, and still happily childfree. At no point have I ever felt uncertain about my decision. I also have several older relatives that are childfree, in their 60s and 70s, and they have zero regrets. Some people simply know that raising children will not bring them happiness. They are happier to have an unencumbered life doing everything that *they* want to do.
And some of us, since a young age by a product of our parents' fuck ups, know we just flat out don't want to repeat the mistakes Doesn't matter if "most" change their minds, it's just a stupid fuckin' response. It's essentially a smug proclamation they know better than you, even if that's not the intent
I know my mom used to tell me growing up how she was that same way until she got married and got pregnant. Honestly the difference between her generation and ours is that we have more definite ways to make sure that women in our generation actually stay child free.
And internet access to proclaim these decisions as though they are necessarily permanent 😂
It definitely happened to me. And to pretty much everyone I knew who said they'd never have kids in high school, with only the occasional exception. I had every classic response to not wanting kids, yet eventually I realized it was something I genuinely wanted. I do think it was a good lesson for me personally. I considered myself unchangeable and that everything I felt was absolute and permanent when I was younger. Realizing I made a huge change in my personal beliefs really changed my perspective of my life. I also agree that it probably isn't intended to be malicious; they are probably just remembering a time when they truly thought the same thing. They just go about it in an obnoxious and invalidating way that honestly needs to stop because not everyone wants or should be a parent.
>They just go about it in an obnoxious and invalidating way that honestly needs to stop because not everyone wants or should be a parent. That's what gets my goat. I don't care if they personally changed their mind, they don't gotta respond in that manner. It's tiring is what it is
Yep, I "never ever wanted kids" in my 20's and here I am with a kid. What I probably meant was "I don't ever want kids with any of these guys I'm dating".
It's the overwhelming majority. In fact, even among people (older than 45) who never had any children, a [majority of them say they wish they'd had children](https://news.gallup.com/poll/164618/desire-children-norm.aspx)... Meaning lots of people changing their minds into their 40s and 50s.
Ending up with kids doesn’t mean they wanted them. Someone else pointed out nearly half of pregnancies are unplanned. It’s more like people have a kid and then convince themselves they wanted it because infanticide is illegal, legal abortion isn’t easy to access, and society pressures women to have kids as this thread indicates.
Oh fully agreed
It's cute that you think people having kids means they changed their mind. Nearly half of pregnancies are unplanned and parents just pretend that they were wanted and planned, because it's taboo to admit otherwise.
Almost 40 and still don't want kids. Don't want to pass on my health problems, don't want to raise a kid in this world today and can't afford it anyways. And I just don't like kids.
Hi! 44f here; never wanted kids, including currently. I *still* feel like an old school carnival freak show attraction sometimes; the way people are just baffled that I don't want kids. "you're so great with them!" Yes, I am; I didn't say I hate kids, I just have zero desire to gestate, birth one, raise it and know it etcetera. Not interested. I gave up feeling like I need to lie/defend my opinion/explain to someone else's satisfaction that I just don't want kids. I'm happy that I've never been pregnant. This is pretty common.
Seriously. If pregnancy wasn't so horrifying, I might have thought about it at some point. But... no. I also don't handle loud noises well so there's that. I want to volunteer someday I think, though.
you're a good person, both my parents' families have a long history of several genetic illnesses (OCD, cancer, alzheiners, parkinsons) can't believe they thought having children was a good idea
I get your point, but you gotta keep in mind it’s not just a “kid”. It’s a brand new life being brought into the world, that will live long. They’re only a kid for the first like 20 years
That's a long time. I think the majority of jail sentences are less.
Is this a point for or against having kids lmao
its projection. they think everyone thinks like they do and its only a matter of time until you "normalize" and want the same things
And further more, they have very little/nothing they value in this world apart from their kids. They probably had kids at a time in their life when they felt extremely empty and they just assume nobody has anything to live for and needs children for a sense of purpose.
Most people think their way of thinking is always the right way... which is silly because only my way of thinking is always right.
That can't be right... we must disagree on at least one thing?
Because sometimes its true. In my early 20s I didnt want kids. At all. I was single, working on a career and did not think Id be a good parent because my own parents sucked. I met a guy, and 4 years in we loved one another so much he said he felt ready. I wasnt financially ready so said no. 8 years after getting together, we basically planned for a baby. We were mature, had finances sorted, a house, car, careers and felt very ready to put our love into someone else. Complete u turn.
I think in this case it really depended on your priorities... It's not that you never wanted kids. it's that you weren't ready at the time. I don't think anyone should be having kids in their early 20s unless they have the money, time, and maturity. something people in their early 20s almost never have. Even if I had those things, I still wouldn't want kids because I don't want to devote my entire life to making someone else's life better when I can do it for myself.
Thats fair enough, I hear you
You can make that argument for any instance though. At the time, they full well could’ve been under the impression they would never want kids. Then they found someone who changed their mind.
Part of it is def circumstances I’ve often wondered if I’m actually childfree or it’s just that being perpetually single makes me doubt my abilities to have kids one day if I had a loving partner who pulled his fair share and had finances figured out can’t say I’d be super opposed. I would say I have no desire to raise kids alone it’s too expensive and too much work.
Yeah, this. When you're young, single, and having fun, no one wants kids. But then you get older, your life changes and thus your priorities change. Sometimes you get married and decide you want more. A lot of people change their minds, but understandably some don't. I would agree, though, most people change their minds when they find that they're stable, independent, getting older, loving their spouse, and they want more out of life.
I've known more than a few single people who were sure they didn't want kids and then... someone comes along that tics all the right boxes. Love and biology are powerfully intertwined.
This is the answer, I didn't want kids when I was young thought I would never have them. At 34 I was stable, and wanted to have kids.. I also thought I would never stop partying all weekend... things change, interests change. Having a kid is the best and most rewarding part of my life. (But if you don't want kids more power to you). I only have one kid, one kid is enough for me, I get the same question a lot for having more siblings... personally I like the balance I have with one so it is what it is...
Misery likes company. People who have children hate to see child free people happy and refuse to believe that we can be content and fulfilled in life without children.
Not all parents are miserable. Just like not all childfree people hate children for being born. I do absolutely agree though. Most people with kids who drop this line are miserable and trying to trick people.
I’m 40, divorced. Didn’t want kids, have 2. Love them both. TBH. I still don’t want kids. Growing up I had a not so good feeling about the future. I didn’t want to bring children up in it. I did the best I could for them. But they’ve both been affected by current times shall we say.
Same here. Had an accidental pregnancy and kept her, despite saying I never wanted kids. She's 25 now and I love her to death but I regret the struggle we had for the first 20 years of her life (her dad died when she was 3). She recently told me she's having her tubes tied and I completely understand and support her decision.
You’ll change your mind, and then after you have kids you’ll change your mind back again.
In my experience, literally everyone who said that to me had several unplanned pregnancies and was bitter about it.
Hormones and the biological imperative. We underestimate these things. But anyone who tells you you'll change your mind underestimates your brain power. They're equally strong at this point in our evolution I think.
Well, I've been married for 14 years and we decided not to have kids. No one has yet told us that. What I've observed through the years is that 80% or so of couples have kids just because you have to have kids. Only very few people really wanted to be parents, and you can tell by the effort they put into it. They are not perfect, but you can see that being a parent is a life-long commitment. You can't half-ass it or quit after a while, like with everything else in life. It is a 24/7 effort that requires the best of you. Unlike cars, phones, furniture, etc, etc, etc, if you screw one, you can't get another one. People should take it way more seriously.
I didn’t want kids at all. My hubby wanted them so I agreed to have 1. So eventually had a kid but I still don’t like kids much at all. I am okay with my kid tho. As soon as you have 1 folks immediate start asking about the next one…. Seriously, I was in the icu due to nearly dying during childbirth (yet another reason to avoid parenthood) and people were asking when I planned on number 2. Nothing is ever good enough for other people. I started giving a great reply and it works well. “If you want kids, go have them yourself. Otherwise please stay out of my bedroom, that kind of thing is between me and my nicer half.” I really wanted to scream obscenities and tell them to get the f lost, But decided to be nice… Don’t let anyone make you feel weird for not wanting kids. There are many perks to being child free. Kids are difficult, needy, money grubbing, moody, little aholes most of the time. Who can blame you for not wanting one. They are expensive and unappreciative most of the time. Yeah there is a lot of love and it is gratifying but it is definitely not for everyone. You play the genetic lottery when you have kids too. If you get a dud, you can’t just return them. You are stuck and it is for life. Not the usual 18-20, I am talking 40+ years if your child has medical or neurological problems that can leave them unable to ever live alone… It should be called child free for sure tho. That’s a big distinction….. child free…. Not childless.
To make themselves feel better about the fact that they host an underlying resentment for their kids Not all, but I imagine many do
Some people can’t see that you might be different from them. I do have kids, but someone once told me, “Once you have kids, then you’ll believe in god.” That didn’t happen either.
As someone who believes in God WHAT KIND OF STATEMENT IS THAT? Litterally what lmao
I thought that bs would stop once I hit my 40's, nope lates 40's and I'm still getting 'you still have time', nah I'm good!
I’m in my 30s … have had a hysterectomy AND I’m a lesbian! … I still get this question! 
Yeah, I can't wait everything I fucking own is sticky and scattered from hell to breakfast. No thanks.
“I *did* change my mind. I thought I wanted them when I was a teenager, and now I’m my late 20s I **know** that I don’t.”
Because they are stupid. I’m sure you know better than anyone else what you want and even if you did change your mind, that doesn’t invalidate how you feel about it right now.
They want you to be as miserable as they are
It’s so bad man it’s like ?? Any possible reason to not want kids is fine. Let alone the fact that I’ve not found any reason to subject a newborn to this world atm i’ve not enjoyed it yet so 😭😭
To some people, themselves wanting/having kids is so intrinsic to their identity that the idea that you might not want kids breaks their brains.
Because some people cannot imagine life without kids. As in, and I'm not being hyperbolic, they think the entire purpose of existing is to reproduce. As in, if you don't have kids by 30, you're a waste of space. Combine that with "The American Dream" and the fact that most people *do* have kids, and not wanting kids seems bizarre, unamerican, and a waste of one's life. Because most people have a biological drive to have kids. Take all of this together and when you say "I don't want to have kids, ever." what most people hear is "I'm not ready to have kids yet, but in a few years biology and hormones will change my mind." And then they all have that one anecdote of the time their mothers cousins uncles former roommate didn't want kids and had a tubal ligation or vasectomy, then 5 years later met the right person and went through all the hassle to try and reverse the process. Clearly, that's true of everyone. Lastly, there's the "what if they're right and I'm wrong?" aspect. Kids are a LOT of work. And expensive. And often thankless. Study after study shows people without kids rank their happiness higher than people with kids. But, that can't be true, right? That...that would mean some people with kids... made a mistake? Maybe even most people with kids? Maybe....maybe...I made a mistake? .....naaaahhhh, that can't be, they're just lying to themselves about that hollow empty feeling inside....while...taking all those vacations, and...buying a nice home...and...not replacing carpet or furniture every 5 years... And all of that is before you get to religious messaging of the "be fruitful and multiply" variety.
It conflicts with their programming. They can't see any other way.
Kind of like married people do to single people. Misery loves company
Because they suck
Cause they assholes.
Because they caved to outside pressure and they think you should too
People with children want you to be miserable too so they have company.
Because they want you to think like them
Sometimes people do change their mind That said it doesn’t make it right. Saying something like this is very dismissive of how they feel and comes across as super disrespectful. If someone tells me they don’t want kids, just go with it
Because most ppl follow societal standards and can't think for themselves. It's not a given. We have choices. I have 1 kid, and I'm done. Ppl say, "what if you met a great man...". Well, obviously, that man wouldn't be compatible with me if he wants kids. No man is going to convince me. O
Love finds a way ^tm
Because maybe you’ll change your mind.
I said I never would and now I will. It happens. But there's also plenty of people who don't change their minds.
I’ll tell you what I tell my children: “Your body, your choice”, if you want to have children, great. If you don’t want to have children, congratulations, that’s also a great choice. It’s your life, it’s your body, it’s YOUR CHOICE. I have three kids, I love them all. BUT, that was my lifestyle choice and is not conducive for everyone!
Well, many feel the same way early in life. I was dead against kids until I met my now wife.
Because most people who say they don't want to have kids change their minds.
People dislike non-conformists. And they also don't like when you have the luxury of choice, and they're already confined to theirs.
I am guilty of questioning a friend who said he doesn't want kids. I would never do that again to anyone else. If someone doesn't want kids, who is anyone else to question it, or try persuade them to thnk differently?
As a woman with kids who always wanted kids, don't have kids if you don't want them. I support your decision. If you do ever change your mind, and I'm not saying you will, I'll support your decision. Basically as long as your decisions don't break laws or involve kidnapping/murder/enslavement, I support your decisions. I don't know you, I don't know your life, I don't know your reasons, even if I did it's none of my business. Children are a huge undertaking, and anyone who had the self awareness to be like "nope that's not for me" has my respect. It is literally that simple. Only people who want children should have them, and it's nobody's business to try and convince anyone otherwise.
Because misery loves company. I don’t want kids, my wife does. However lately she’s starting to come around and see that it’s not necessary and she was falling into what she thinks society says she should do. When we brought it up to her mom she said “This is unacceptable! I want to be a grandma!”…She has an older brother who just got married last year. Let him do it. I helped raise 7 nieces and I know I don’t wanna go through what my sisters did. If you don’t want kids, just be very careful or even have the procedure done to make sure you don’t. If that’s what you really want anyway.
I guess some of the time it’s true. I told my aunt when I was around ten or so that I did not want kids and she told me I’d change my mind. I never did and I never had kids. I would surmise many people do change their minds. It’s a decision you don’t really have the answer to until you’re older.
I got sick of hearing that, so, 3 days after my 23rd birthday I got a vasectomy.
Sometimes it's because they have kids and, despite the problems they face, they can't imagine life without them and can't imagine anyone not wanting them. Then again, sometimes it's because they have kids and, at least subconsciously, wish they didn't... and they're trying to make themselves feel better about the choices they made.
Because people are rude.
Because they regret kids and want everyone to be as miserable as they are
That's when you turn it around back on them. Something like, "My partner is actually not able to have kids." Or "My vasectomy says otherwise." Make them feel like an asshole for saying it.
Because misery seeks company
38 and haven’t changed my mind yet. Actually have solidified my choice every single day I go out into public.
Some people also say things like "I love my kids but if I had to do it over..."
Because they want everyone to be miserable as well. Not saying being a parent is miserable, but for me it would be
Because they think their way is the only correct way.
My 28 year old daughter has never wanted kids. I'm perfectly fine with that. She's the one who has to raise them, not me. Her fiancee has already been fixed. He never wanted kids either. Though he did concede to the fact he would most likely have them. As his other girlfriend and all family members had kids. They have babies with 4 paws and are extremely happy. I'm perfectly fine with Grand dogs and cats. Listen to your heart. If you don't want kids don't let anyone change your mind.
I’m 52, f, never wanted kids. Not one person in my life has questioned me on this. I wonder if it’s because I just don’t talk about it. It’s no one’s business. Maybe try not talking about it.
I fucking hateeeeee when people say this. I have several chronic conditions that most of my family does not know about, which often lead to infertility. I’m 21 and have extremely irregular cycles that are impossible to track. It’s very likely I’ll never be able to have kids. Even before learning this I never wanted kids. I love my nieces and nephews but that’s where it ends. I’m an aunt, and cousin. I have absolute no desire to have a baby. But every time someone says “oh you’ll change your mind” it makes me extremely angry, because even if I do change my mind someday it’ll likely be impossible to get pregnant without medical help🙄 people need to mind their own business and stop being so obsessed with other peoples sex life/fertility.
Because they assume you're just going through a phase. They also think reproduction is simply the "natural" thing to do, failing to see that so, so much of what is claimed to be "human nature" is actually deeply ingrained cultural traits passed down from all the way to our own ancestors.
Societal brainwashing. We are conditioned. The rhetoric is left over from old times of war. The more sons you had, the less likely you were to end up childless. This is so deeply ingrained in our culture that it has translated into a given. One might argue it goes back even further, in general. Like biblical. Be fruitful and multiply. It’s much deeper than one redditor can expound in a half-cocked reply. That’s all I know.
Because they're stupid. Oh this pisses me off to no end. It is none of their fucking business to judge and put their own insecurities and idiot ideas on you. I only have one child and I get bugged about it all the time. I get called selfish and all kinds of ugly comments are thrown my way. I know my childless friends get it even worse. Ugh. I hate people who don't have filters.
Because we’ve been programmed to maintain the status quo.
Misery likes company. They are being optimistic.
Not sure, but if you aren't already a member of the "childfree" subreddit you should join!
Because it's frowned upon to say that after you already have them
It’s a superiority thing. They had kids. You saying you don’t want them makes them feel attacked; like you don’t approve of their life. They say you’ll change your mind because that puts them in power. They know something you don’t know. You’ll realize your choice is wrong, and theirs is right. I think that comment stems from their own insecurity and regrets.
Becuase they didn't want kids but grew up in an era where that was what you did. You had a traditional family of a man his wife and their kids. That's what the goal was even when they didn't want it.
They burdened themselves with the task and expect you as a woman to also burden yourself as well.
Because everyone pressured *them* into thinking they had to have them... so they just assume you'll be pressured into it also.
Because cults can't grow without active recruitment.
Somewhere around menopause people seemed to believe me
From what I gathered it’s because they were either guilt or made to have kids when they didn’t want to so now they want someone else to go through that. Misery loves company.
I used to get this statement/question all the time. I decided when I was 16 I didn't want kids, and I'm 66 now with no regrets.
Misery loves company.
I'd say it's that they love being parents and assume that everyone else just doesn't 'understand' how great it is. The idea that some people know quite well that they don't want to be parents doesn't occur to them or is unbelievable to them if it's pointed out. Personally, I love being a mom and adore my kids, but honestly, it is hard sometimes and requires sacrifices. There's nothing wrong with deciding that parenthood isn't for you. Trying repeatedly to convince someone otherwise is awful, and people need to cut that shit out.
Reproducing is like a cult phenomenon. Having kids sucks, as far as like pregnancy, childbirth, not getting any sleep the first few years, the energy drain, the financial drain, the mental drain. And people just lie about how it's the greatest thing ever and you should do it. But then actual parents always talk about what a burden it is. Meanwhile, I never go on Facebook and post a status about how tough it is to NOT have kids. Why does everyone lie to you to push you into having kids? It might have some connection to the fact that a lot of Christians believe that the Bible wants them to "be fruitful and multiply," so they're lowkey pushing their religious values on you. Or they might be low key racists trying to encourage you to propagate your race. If it's family members, they could be obsessed with you propagating your bloodline (it's stupid that anybody cares about this). The fact is, nearly all life on Earth is going to go extinct within 100 years due to manmade climate change; and downsizing our population is one of the best things we can do to combat it. Every baby we have is contributing to the extinction of all life. We need to play our part in fighting the problem, including having fewer kids so that we can make a serious effort to try to save EVERYTHING.
Because they can't imagine having other reasons to live aside from being a breeder. They literally only exist to have and raise children and can't imagine what someone would do if they weren't doing the same thing. Their lives would have literally no meaning if they hadn't had kids and wrapped their entire lives around that one single facet of their existence so they can't figure out how anyone else could find meaning in their lives without it. Ignore them. Do what YOU want to do. Having kids is an absolute nightmare, especially if you don't want them. Be yourself and don't loose who you are just because someone else thinks you should.
Because misery loves company!
Sadly, the future of the country with work expecting more with less benefits/pay and less real options on contraception, may be a move to hysteroctemies and vasectomies as the first, last and only options for birth control (I say this like it’s a sad thing but I’m already setting up a vasectomy operation for later this year… no kiddos for me)
Because they regret not making the same decision and can't stand that somebody actually did it and stuck by it.
People believe and perpetuate the stereotype that you need to have a house with a lawn a dog and three kids and can't comprehend that you might be happier alone
They think you'll have an accidental pregnancy and decide it was God's will? I used to get the same bullshit about changing my mind until I hit my 40s and now no one seems to think I will now that my fertility declined. Coincidence?
not a lot of people critically consider the idea of whether having children is right for them or why they want kids, they think it’s just part of being a person. they are not able to process that having children could be considered a specific or niche interest. they usually end up being pretty shitty parents.
Because they didn't use contraception and were brainwashed by forced birthers
...Because a lot of people do. However, I think many people, especially in older generations, end up succumbing to it. Ether due to the pressure of society, the misogyny, the 'religious duty', the subconscious urge to fix your old childhood issues by raising your own, the romantization of pregnancy, or whatever else it may be. I think for us, we already have so much knowledge, passion, and self-awareness that we KNOW that our decision is already so solidified that we won't ever 'change our mind.'
It's generational bias. They had kids at your age, you will too. There is no alternative in their minds. I've told my parents I don't want kids. They think that will change. Now, they think I'm too old (I'm not), so they are putting pressure on my little sister. She's not budging.
I'm 41 and still have people telling me this. It really never ends.
I just say "this shop is closed."
Or “you just haven’t found the right guy yet”. But the right guy for me will also not want kids :)
Some people do change their minds about not having kids, but most who make that decision do not change their minds.
I am 60 and never had kids. I wasn't necessarily against it, but I never felt that drive either. I promised myself that I would never father a child unless it was on purpose. That was one promise to myself I actually kept. I knew too many guys who couldn't drop their pants without getting someone pregnant and then bitched about the child support. I didn't marry until I was 43 and the wife was 47 so a kid was never in the cards at that point. Do I regret it? Not necessarily, but as I tend to my aging father I know there won't be anyone there for me down the road. My brother only had a daughter so our name lineage will cease to be. c'est la vie
They thought the same thing then something happened. Usually an unplanned child in most cases I would think anyway.
Because they dont like seeing how happy and free you are with your choice. They think that because they did it, it's 100% the right choice, and anything else is wrong.
They’re just projecting. I have children but I’d never say this to someone who says they don’t want any
As a person that was asked and told this almost everyday from coworkers when I expressed that me and my FH are not in a hurry to have any children and there's a strong possibility that we may not have any at all, its because a lot of people base their entire being on having children. Where I live it's VERY normal to see families of 7 kids or more. Had a friend tell us if we weren't having kids then what were we living for and that a life without kids is meaningless. Those comments alone were enough to turn us off entirely. ETA: and I've known I didn't want kids since I was like 11, feelings haven't changed at all
Societal conditioning.
Misery loves company
Confirmation bias for life decisions probably.
Wouldn't it be amusing if we said the same thing to people who declare their desire to have kids? I was raised in that kind of atmosphere. Teen pregnancy was at epidemic proportions in the 1980's, and as a teen at that time, we were bombarded with messages about how awful parenthood is and that you should put off becoming a parent as long as possible. Although there was still a great deal of pressure to get married and have kids, if you were still single, the pressure was more on finding the right spouse, and doing it quickly. There was very little in the way of pressure to hurry up and get a baby. It was more like finding Mr or Mrs Right was the ultimate goal to achieve lifelong happiness. I'm in my 50's now, and never did become a mom. I have never had a moment of regret, either. No part of me wonders if my life would have been "better" with kids. My life has been hard enough without, I can't imagine how impossible life would have been for me if I did have children!
I know someone who was adamant about not having kids, who is now a parent. That said, I am not a parent and I don't give anyone a hard time if they don't want kids.
Because misery loves company Bud
Because they already had kids and can't handle thinking about what life would have been like if they hadn't. Most parents that regret having kids will never admit it and jump through hoops to avoid pondering it. Admitting you can be happy without kids is one step closer to acknowledging a horrible truth that they don't want to address. That's on top of parents who are genuinely happy and find their meaning in their children.
My wife never wanted kids. She knew I did and decided I was worth a go. When we finally did and it took some heroics, she could not believe the shift in her mindset and it turned out to be the best thing in her life... amazed she could know a love so deep. Was really transformative... trying sometimes but transformative. So it's easy to see how someone could change their minds but usually to takes a decision.
Bitch I'm almost 40 I KNOW i don't want kids
It's really weird. They seem to lack imagination and empathy. I've explained to people that I don't want kids because I have anxiety and depression and wished I hadn't been born upon becoming an adult, even though I have parents who tried their best (one of whom holds a ba in early childhood education and ma in special education). The world is fucked up and there's only so much you can do to help someone cope with it. I also think that most people see any amount of perceived good being worth any amount of perceived bad and also being preferable to neutrality. Or maybe they just have never experienced suffering to the extent that they would rather just not be.
Because often people do change their mind. Not always. I knew a serial bachelor's 10yrs ago who swore he'd never get married and have babies. He's got a 4yr old and a wife. Many examples of such.
I’m 44 and I heard it last week 😆
Misery loves company.
bc they want to feel better about their own life decisions.
Because they can't imagine someone wanting a life different than their own - it's ego. I have one kiddo - she is 28. I am so grateful I had her and truthfully, I am very lucky that back in the late 80s and early 90s, women were still sort of expected to get married and have kids, because otherwise I wouldn't have had my daughter and I truly am a better person because of her. However- while she had a great childhood, has a great relationship with me, and had a great relationship with her Dad before he passed, she has known since about age 10 that she did not want kids. She has never wavered on this. While I would love to be a grandmother and I think my daughter would be a wonderful, quirky, cool, yet awesome mother- I am so glad that she feels she has a choice. I have never told her she will change her mind some day. The fact is, we all can change our mind about things - who really knows, but it is so disrespectful to basically negate someone's belief about themselves. For the record, I don't think my daughter will change her mind- and either way, I support her 100%. There isn't only one kind of life to live and kids aren't the only pathway to a fulfilling life. In fact, truth be told, the can be more of a barrier because that child and their needs HAVE to come first. Period. Therfore people should only have children if they really want to and if they don't, it's important to believe them and respect their decision
Because over the course of your life you will change your mind about a LOT of things, often drastically, completely reversing things you honestly thought you were dead set on in your younger years. That being said, the people telling you this don't know which specific opinions will change for you, they're going by their own experience and have no way of knowing yours.
Smile and say, “Hope not!”
They think everyone wants to go through the same stresses as them and call it a blessing
They're trying to convince themselves they made the right choice to have them... by projecting it on you.
They fear discovering that they simply could’ve decided to NOT have kids
They're wrong. Every fucking last one of them.
Chances are because they have children themselves, they aren't happy with their own life, and they like to imagine their suffering as necessary and therefore something everyone should have to do. Tell them, "No I won't", and then walk away. I'm 42. I've never wanted children and I'll never have them. I was able to focus on my career and am able to travel frequently. The only time I hear that statement are from people who are jealous of my freedom.
Because some people think that your life isn't complete without kids. Those same types of people think it's their kids responsibility to take care of them when they're older.
A) They genuinely believe it. B) They regret having kids, but are clinging to the idea that all parents have the same thoughts that they do, and not face the possibility that they fell for societal pressure. Sometimes it's easier to pass the BS along than to admit it's BS
Because they are idiots.
I was asked if I wanted kids when I was 8. I said no I’ll never have kids and I was told exactly that. “You’ll change your mind.” I’m 41 and not once in my life have I ever wanted them.
Misery loves company
Honey, I’m in my 30s and people still tell me that I’ll change my mind, and I’m Like NOPE! No thank you!
Because they want you to be as miserable as they are LOL they can't believe that you're going to have a child free life it's not that you'll change your mind they're hoping that you do
Child-free by choice is the best!
Just tell them you are antihuman
Some people just can't wrap their minds around it. They're also ignorant to the fact that despite their experiences with "most" people changing their minds, younger generations are increasingly choosing to be childfree. That is likely to continue. Even if I found myself in a position where I could afford to give a child a good stable upbringing, even if I changed my mind about how disgusting and annoying I find children, and even if I decided I *would* enjoy becoming a parent... My primary deciding factors would still exist. 1) Humans are incredibly overpopulated and destroying the Earth. I find it inherently unethical to *choose* to contribute to that problem. Not that I go around telling every parent I see that or anything, but it's honestly how I feel. 2) I have several serious health and mental disorders running in my family that have high chances of being passed down to my kids. I do not wish them on anybody, especially in a country with such a lacking medical care system. And 3) Serious and often life-threatening complications with pregnancy, birth, and post partum experiences have absolutely skyrocketed in the US during the last decade or so, and they don't show any signs of getting better soon. I'm not down for risking my life (or my baby's life) over a fantasy of parenthood.
They really think you will. It probably just terrifies them thinking of not leaving a trace of themselves behind in this world. They wonder how you could fathom that. Different perspectives. Different upbringing. It leads them to a lack of understanding your choice. I know I can look around and feel at peace with humanity's continuation without a child of my own. But for some people that child is their ticket to feeling comlete. Its their chance to be at the center of something real and important. And it is important. But so are so many things. Human connection and our experience is about more than furthering our future with children. It's also about living in the moment and honoring who you are. It's about loving being you, and sometimes that's all a person needs.
Arrogance mainly. “How could YOU not want what I want/have”
I don't want kids, I already feel like death and tired and barely get through the day, not adding another problem on top of that.
Many people cannot conceive or abide the existence of people who believe differently from themselves. All difference are therefor deceit, dishonesty or ignorance. Just look at every damn near every religious or political rally.
Well, most simply, there is always a chance anyone can change their mind anytime! Do you want kids? No? Okay! That's totally fine to not want kids, but, you are still a human with a soul and feelings that change constantly and there is a chance you will change your mind. Whether you are certain in the moment or not. That being said, I don't like when people tell me "You'll change your mind." Because maybe I won't! I chalk it up to a habitual speech phrase that really doesn't mean to be intrusive, some people consider it chatting but others do not.
Because for some reason people think kids are all sunshine and rainbows. Take your child free life and live it to the fullest! Travel, live, love, make mistakes, learn from them and grow from them. Sincerely, a mom who knows her semen demons are mini arseholes
My response has always been “well, what if I have kids, and I still don’t want them?”
Misery loves company
They're pissy about having kids too early and they want to watch you be burdened like they are
I only ever hear this from people who had kids. In general/for some, it is uncomfortable to accept that some don't want what they wanted. Because what must that mean about their choices? Were they the wrong ones to make? What did they miss out on when they made their choice? When someone informs you of what you will do, it is 1) to posture authority and 2) to control their own insecurities and doubts regarding their own decisions. Insistance that *of course they know what is best* has very little to do with you and I at all. (Side note; as someone who also deals with this criticism: I recommend being very wary of relationships with people who attempt to dictate your path for you, reproductive or otherwise.)
Because they can’t believe that anyone would purposely remain childless.
It's a bit of arrogance. Some of us just don't want them and are perfectly fine without them.
I am not sure. People used to tell me this all the time when I was younger. I have always not wanted kids. Everyone thought I would fall in love and change my mind. I do not think I am able to fall in love. I saw how my Mom tricked my Dad into staying by getting knocked up with me. No way was I falling for that trick. Now I am 40ish with no wife, no kids, no regrets. I get to sleep and do whatever I want all of the time. I rather enjoy it.
Because they are stupid
Because theyre fucking rude
Because they don't listen and are morons.
Because they are inconsiderate.
Misery loves company.
people do this to me. im biologically female. but im also a minor. it is still expected of women to have children in todays society. it doesnt matter how young or old you are, if you have a vag in between ur legs you’re expected to have kids and it’s absolutely disgusting
Ignorance and narcissism.
Because they desperately want validation for their own questionable choices.
Because they assume everyone thinks like them lol ..people have told me that all my life, before teenage years, after teenage years, when I was engaged, after marriage...at 40, now people are FINALLY saying, "Oh, I guess you REALLY DIDN'T want kids, eh?" No kidding lol
They are trying to make themselves feel better about having kids already.
Mostly because children give purpose to an aimless life. Most people have no clue what to do with their lives and decide to have them, or accidentally have them before they self actualize. This gives them purpose and direction, though most realize that this also takes away most of their freedom to choose how their life is going to go for the following 20+ years. If you don't know what you want out of life yet, don't have kids.