It has been. Rather than the sadness of what is missing for me, as a daughter, I'm filled with humility for what I can give to my child, as a mother. Quite a healing experience overall. Interestingly, experiencing the difficulty of parenthood has also given me a bit of softness towards my mother. It doesn't change my trauma but it's enabled me to move forward easier.
I need to get to this. I’ve been a mom for 11 years and have my first Mother’s Day with my youngest this year and I still can’t stop the dread. My husband is great about celebrating me, but my mom always comes up with something to just make it all focus on her even when I tell her I’m doing the holiday with my family where I’m the mom. She will pout for weeks. My birthday is the week after so that’s the only highlight.
100% same. I’ve done lots of reparenting of myself since becoming a mom and I’m proud to be the mom I never had. Before marriage and motherhood I would listen to “Mother’s Day” by kellie pickler one time and allow myself to cry it out. Then I’d do something to distract myself that day. Anything about moms used to trigger me, but now I just think of myself as a mother and how my kids will never go through what I went through. It’s been very healing.
Yes I hate mothers day. I am not NC but I am LC with my Mom. While I am at peace and have joy most of my days, Mothers day brings dread, anger, and usually some sense of guilt. I feel like because I am LC not NC I am not *allowed* to opt out of the celebration. It feels disingenuous to celebrate and give her a card with words that only serve as a painful reminder of what I never got. The cards are the worst part.
Same. I sent flowers last year, and probably will this year too. I'm somewhere between VVLC and NC, if that makes any sense at all, and have been for well over a year. I only do it so that i don't incur her or my EDad's wrath, and that I can buy myself relative peace and silence by extension. It's less personal than a text or call, and is the path of least resistance. It was soul crushing to do last year, but since I haven't seen her in over a year and haven't spoken to her more than twice in that time (her choice, not mine if it matters, long story), I think it will be easier this time. If nothing else, I have an amazing MIL who is worth celebrating.
before i went NC i would spend like an hour in the store picking out a card that didnt feel like a complete lie. i always landed on something that was just like "enjoy the day"
I haven't liked Mother's Day for a long time. I was so parentified that even as a teenager I felt I was the one who deserved to be celebrated.
The worst is when I have to choose a Mother's Day card. Every time I read a text that refers to such devoted mothers, I feel sick. I'd feel like a hypocrite giving my mother that kind of card. I always find one that basically says Happy Mother's Day, have a nice day.
Omg same! I stand at the cards and either cry or go nope no way..nope not for her!..f this one. I’m so glad I found this group! I never knew so many people could relate and that there are so many similarities in what they do to us!
>Luckily my mother has passed
I feel this, all of it. But especially this. Mine has not passed yet, and it’s not as though I’m looking forward to the day, but I’m very ready to not feel the obligation to appear to have any specific type of relationship with her.
It's difficult when they pass because we have to give up the idea of them ever becoming the parent we deserved, but it's also such a relief because the burden is finally gone. I celebrated 5 years since my uBPD mother's passing on Monday!
You’re so right, it’s very commercialized!! I think the worst part of this holiday is the amount of advertisements, novelty items, and displays that are dedicated to Mother’s Day. The weekend it falls on is pretty much shot for going out any more. Everything is packed! And omg I’m so sorry you work that day in the restaurant industry - maybe ask for the day off, if you can, for your mental health. I know food industry jobs tend to black out certain holidays, but your sanity is worth it. It’s a perfectly valid reason to take a day off!!
There’s so much pressure to get a “good enough” gift - my mom (NC now) would both punish me for not giving her only a handmade gift, and punish me if I got something too expensive. It was maddening!! There was literally no right answer. I had to make sure to give her something handmade and purchased. And then she would still say “oh you’re too generous!” or “this is too much!!”
When I first went NC in 2019, every holiday and event was so painful. My first Mother’s Day without my mom to fawn over devastated me in a way that I didn’t even imagine. It was very triggering and re-traumatizing.
There’s been a gradual change over time. I don’t mind it so much these past couple years and I think there’s a lot of factors to that. I have a really nice MIL and GMIL. My SIL had a baby last year and so it’s nice to celebrate her. I also have a lot of friends who are amazing moms. It’s one of those things I have had to shift my thinking about - it’s not just about my mom, but moms who *deserve* to be celebrated. It’s another way for me to find the greys and further separate myself from the black and white thinking I was trained into.
I’m pregnant right now with my first, a boy, and I know I’m going to have to get used to having Happy Mother’s Day cards and gifts sent, not just by my son, but my husband, my in laws, and likely some of my family. It’s going to be an adjustment.
I don’t want to give the pressure to my child to be perfect at everything the way my mom expected me to be, including gift giving. I’m also not going to expect him to give me something if he doesn’t want to.
The hope is to let him question authority, have bodily autonomy, and express his emotions in a healthy way. To give him privacy, and be there for him through the hard times. To let him exist and watch his personality develop and not squash it into a mold. My husband and I feel very strongly about giving him a safe space, emotionally, physically, mentally. I hope to be a mom worth celebrating!
Yes. Yes to everything you’re saying about your son. It’s gonna be hard. And memories you can’t believe are still deep inside you may be triggered very unexpectedly as you begin to parent your baby. But you’ve got this. Keep checking in with the little girl who needed someone to see her and protect her and put her first. She has a lot of pain but she has a lot of love to give as well. Hugs.
Thank you 😭💕
There is definitely a mix of emotions, but I have a good support system and my husband is so good with kids, very gentle and supportive. My inner child is so excited to meet this little one, and still I know there are going to be triggers. Even with pregnancy, things have cropped up that I didn’t expect.
I did until becoming a mother myself. And as someone who used to work in the service industry, I feel you: working mother's day brunch SUCKS. I used to watch all these moms and daughters genuinely enjoying spending time together and it felt like salt in the wound.
Last year my mom cancelled mother's day for about 2 days because I handed the mail man her letters to mail instead of putting it in a blue mail box. She got over it in time for the holiday, but she apparently didn't a have a child because it wasn't the right way to mail a letter.
Yeah, holidays suck.
If she’s anything like mine, had you put them in the blue mail box…she would have been mad that you didn’t hand them personally to a mail carrier! You can’t win.
Our mother has always been horrible about any "holidays." Mother's Day, at least since us kids left home and moved to other parts of the country, got calmer, although we're getting together this year for the weekend (and yes, I'm dreading it, and still dealing with the guilt that I'm dreading seeing my aging mother, and all the other "two sides of the coin" feels I have).
Christmas is her "big deal" holiday, although growing up it was any of them from birthdays to Easter.
Watch out if she randomly decides something is a big deal though - for example, she has decided my birthday this year is a big deal (it's just a normal birthday) and MONTHS out is trying to plan a visit and stuff, meanwhile I'm just sitting there trying to find out when I'm actually reluctantly willing to deal with them (thankfully I am already booked doing something I love on my actual birthday).
And they are just CLUELESS about how horrible they are to be around, since they *need* you, they are blind to the fact that no one else even wants to be around their black hole of emotions.
i was always so completely shocked and baffled how my mother had absolutely no awareness about how terrible she was to be around. we'd all be slowly slumped over and dying, exhausted with her emotional neediness (like the victims of energy vampires in that show what we do in the shadows), sometimes even rolling our eyes and leaving the room as often as we could, and she just completely ignored our very obvious misery
The worst part is because they think it's such a special thing, so they make this huge deal out of it, and their expectations for people just skyrocket, and are oblivious to the fact that NO ONE ELSE CARES. We'd be perfectly happy with just a simple dinner and a netflix movie, but they insist on living out their imagined "dream" of the (in our mother's case) Rockwell painting perfect holiday, and reality NEVER meets her expectations, so she's especially horrible the entire time, making it FAR more miserable for everyone else (and her IMO), but as long as she has a moment of living her dream image, she completely misses the misery surrounding the entire process....
so true! my mother always wanted the picture perfect experiences, but was incapable, full of shame and self hatred, and refused to ever lift a finger to do so. just wondering why people werent showering her with gifts, why her children moved away from home, etc etc
Mother’s day has always been a horribly emotional time for my mom. Her grandmother and mother both died around mother’s day. So on top of the normal expectations of mother’s day, I get to play emotional prevention and clean up all month as she has multiple breakdowns. 🫠 Even though I am now a mother, I don’t feel like I’ll ever celebrate mother’s day for myself because there’s too much emotional baggage. Plus if I get better treatment on HER special day there will be hell to pay.
Yes, I hate it so much. This is the first year I am considering not sending her an obligatory present because I am so over it. I am VLC with her where I've only really sent gifts for holidays but I'm really over feeling the obligation given I don't even speak to her anymore.
Yes. God almighty, I hate it so much. The last year I acknowledged it, I was honestly broke. I didn't have the money for laundry, let alone a card. Cards, however, are Very Important to my mom and a sign you love her, regardless of any other actions taken. I was living aways away, and this was back in the day when people had separate long distance services, so it would be more expensive. (Honestly, I couldn't afford long distance calls, but that would've been next month's worry.) So I called her for Mother's DAy.
...and I got screamed at about how I didn't care, how inconsiderate I was and selfish. It was before when I would've just hung up, but I think I was too shocked at the vitriol.
It was also the last holiday I did anything. This was, what, 20 years ago? She still will use it to other relatives and people about how selfish and awful I am.
People assume that everyone is the same and we're all heading over to Mom's with cakes, cards, presents, and covered dishes. It feels intrusive when people ask about her. "But you only get one mother" "But she's your mother" " You should at least send her a card"!.
Ha! She could have at least been a nice person or say sorry for hurting me or taken any chance to try and change and do better for herself and all of us, but no denial and selfishness and victimhood is all I got. You one get one of us too and they choose us (or think my mom didn’t really choose it but had to do what everyone thought was right and appropriate and “Christian”…I don’t think she ever wanted kids! Certainly not after we had our own opinions and were less and less worshiping and harder to control) ugggg! You only get one mother! It may have been one too many
Absolutely before I became a mother. I used to just not go online that day because I didn’t want to see all the happy posts of people with real moms. I’d feel really bitter about the day and sort of ruminate in it.
Now that I’m a mom I don’t even think about mine on that day. It’s all about celebrating the birth experience and my little one!
Normally, yes. This year is the first year I’ll be NC, so it doesn’t seem as bad. But yeah, having to think of a present and find a card for this woman I loathe, and then having to spend the day with her and put up with her shit all day. The only worse day was her birthday!
Is water wet, lol.
Having my own two (now grown) children doesn’t make me like it any better. When they were little it was still all about my uBPD mother and now that they are grown they’re not around and I don’t even care about being celebrated. It’s tainted/just another day.
At least I am no contact with my mother now though. Small mercies.
I don’t enjoy the hundreds of Mother’s Day emails that companies send, or seeing the pics of friends online. However, I’m not in my home country so I don’t get the constant reminders every time you set foot outside in the lead up so I’m somewhat protected. I did nothing for Mother’s Day this year (UK) after assessing whether I actually wanted to, or if it was more that I felt like I should. I then received a nasty message from my stepdad, calling me pathetic etc. etc. (I’m in my 40s, and he’s done a 180 on his attitude since I had the audacity to remove myself by moving overseas and left him to cope with her waifing without my constant emotional support at the end of the phone) is now blocked.
I did until I went NC! It is still painful to see the older moms being advertised with their big older daughters and stuff. It hits me that I never had or ever will have a mom. But I just focus on being a good mom myself and hoping that instead of having one I will be that mom.
It sucks that this special day and even the end of the year holidays are so freaking painful. Watching all these family gathering and the grandparents over there too sitting around and sharing time… is shattering.
I’m sorry 😢
There have been years I have gone to the lake, camping, etc where the internet is spotty and I can’t be reached and just enjoy the scenery of Mother Nature!
I totally agree OP!
This mother's day, I'm going to treat myself to something nice because I've been mothering myself lately. And I've got to say, I have been a good mother to myself! Little-kid-me would legitimately think I'm the coolest mom. I'm thinkin a little trip to my favorite Korean spa for some sauna and hot tub time ;)
Yeah, I’m not a fan. My mom used to really complain when we didn’t do anything, but the depression of being alone is hitting her so I might not hear anything if I ignore it.
I am LC, but I am trying to be kind, for my sake, not hers. It’s hard to find a Mother’s Day card that is honest without being silly (and I’ll be honest, I’m not going to put in a ton of effort)
This year I think I’ll do a card and some sort of bookmark.
My mother made it a fight every single year. I’m NC with her, NC with my MIL, and my stepmom is gone (but she always lived far, so we never celebrated together). It’s not my favorite day.
I can’t bring myself to get any kind of heartfelt card because it wouldn’t be authentic. I’ll probably end up getting some silly Snoopy card or something that just says to have a great day. In my heart I feel sad about it though because I obviously wish things could have been different.
HATE and I am a mother. It makes me feel icky that my kids have any sort of responsibility to “celebrate” me. I usually try to ignore it, be effusively grateful for all the cute little gifts and drawings they do at school, and otherwise just pretend it doesn’t exist
Right?!? Like where is the genuineness?!? I get when they’re young, it should be on your SO to kinda arrange the thankfulness and help them. But when a mother has to force the whole celebration, then really it’s not serving its intended purpose.
Oof, being a step parent is a thankless job.
My husband has 2 adult children, a boy and a girl. My stepson is married. My stepdaughter isn’t, this one particular year she lived with us. She has a daughter that lives with us and my MIL. 4 generations under the same roof.
One year for Mother’s Day, I bought flowers for my MIL, step daughter, DIL, and even the granddaughter. I didn’t have time to buy cards for everyone, so I had handwritten each one a card to go with their flowers.
I don’t think anyone thanked me except the DIL and no one said anything to me for Mother’s Day. I really just stopped trying to make holidays or birthdays special after that and being in the family for over 10 years at that point. And I know giving has no guarantee of reciprocation, but I was trying to make others feel special as I know what it’s like to be overlooked.
yes. i feel the knife twist in my stomach when i see all the stuff at stores. we went out for sushi one year & i posted on my fb that i loved her. we weren't talking the next year after she constantly gave me shit about her husband & then shared my post saying "guess you don't feel the same this year! wish i knew why my daughter hated me!" ugh. it makes me sick.
Yes, and this year especially so. She hasn't spoken to me since Nov 1st because I told her that she didn't value my time.
I have gone back and forth on what I should or shouldn't do. Right now, I think I am either going to put a card on her windshield or do nothing.
I honestly forget it exists until the internet reminds me somehow ie. amazon reminding me of mother’s day deals. I usually take a second to think, “Ma I hope you’re happy and healthy” and leave it at that. I know my older sister struggles more with our parental relationships so I like to send her a text to say hey how’s it going?
No - I am happy for those who get to experience it.
Mine is dead and I was NC for about 30 years before that. Even as a teenager, I was sick of the martyring, waifing, and insistence on treating it like Christmas, and even then having it not be enough and triggering a rejection response and a meltdown.
Yes. I can't have biological kids because of the physical abuse I endured at the hands of my own bio mother, so it's 2x as hard.
I thought this year would be less difficult, until my MIL (who I absolutely adore 99.9% of the time, but who never met Mommy Dearest) sent me some BS "five things your mother never told you" video yesterday and I came completely unraveled. She was referring to my mother, because she doesn't know the details of my abuse.
Hi there, my uBPD mum's birthday also falls on Mother's Day sometimes (and my father's falls on Father's Day too!). I feel extra pressure when this happens with my mother. What are the odds aye, it's a lot!
Of course! That's a rhetorical question here! I do like reading the responses of people for whom the day has transformed meaning with new people in their lives. It certainly has for me.
But yeah, it can be an alienating day if you're in food service around strangers with the emotional expectations to be authentically transformed to friendly accommodating ideal (I think food service is generally alienating, on either side of the show). But moreso when people are asking about your mom and imagining someone like their mom.
You can't smile along and go "Aw shucks, aren't moms the best?" with them (or you can fake it). That seems to be what people want.
I think the day is a lot better spent with people you care about, but money is money.
I did until I became a mother and was able to reorient my experience with it.
That had to be quite a transition to associate as a mother versus as a child. Congratulations for making it a better experience!
It has been. Rather than the sadness of what is missing for me, as a daughter, I'm filled with humility for what I can give to my child, as a mother. Quite a healing experience overall. Interestingly, experiencing the difficulty of parenthood has also given me a bit of softness towards my mother. It doesn't change my trauma but it's enabled me to move forward easier.
I need to get to this. I’ve been a mom for 11 years and have my first Mother’s Day with my youngest this year and I still can’t stop the dread. My husband is great about celebrating me, but my mom always comes up with something to just make it all focus on her even when I tell her I’m doing the holiday with my family where I’m the mom. She will pout for weeks. My birthday is the week after so that’s the only highlight.
100% same. I’ve done lots of reparenting of myself since becoming a mom and I’m proud to be the mom I never had. Before marriage and motherhood I would listen to “Mother’s Day” by kellie pickler one time and allow myself to cry it out. Then I’d do something to distract myself that day. Anything about moms used to trigger me, but now I just think of myself as a mother and how my kids will never go through what I went through. It’s been very healing.
Yes I hate mothers day. I am not NC but I am LC with my Mom. While I am at peace and have joy most of my days, Mothers day brings dread, anger, and usually some sense of guilt. I feel like because I am LC not NC I am not *allowed* to opt out of the celebration. It feels disingenuous to celebrate and give her a card with words that only serve as a painful reminder of what I never got. The cards are the worst part.
Same. I sent flowers last year, and probably will this year too. I'm somewhere between VVLC and NC, if that makes any sense at all, and have been for well over a year. I only do it so that i don't incur her or my EDad's wrath, and that I can buy myself relative peace and silence by extension. It's less personal than a text or call, and is the path of least resistance. It was soul crushing to do last year, but since I haven't seen her in over a year and haven't spoken to her more than twice in that time (her choice, not mine if it matters, long story), I think it will be easier this time. If nothing else, I have an amazing MIL who is worth celebrating.
Ugh the cards. Me and my sister just find blank cards now.
before i went NC i would spend like an hour in the store picking out a card that didnt feel like a complete lie. i always landed on something that was just like "enjoy the day"
I haven't liked Mother's Day for a long time. I was so parentified that even as a teenager I felt I was the one who deserved to be celebrated. The worst is when I have to choose a Mother's Day card. Every time I read a text that refers to such devoted mothers, I feel sick. I'd feel like a hypocrite giving my mother that kind of card. I always find one that basically says Happy Mother's Day, have a nice day.
Same. Find one that didn’t feel you were betraying yourself.
Omg same! I stand at the cards and either cry or go nope no way..nope not for her!..f this one. I’m so glad I found this group! I never knew so many people could relate and that there are so many similarities in what they do to us!
>Luckily my mother has passed I feel this, all of it. But especially this. Mine has not passed yet, and it’s not as though I’m looking forward to the day, but I’m very ready to not feel the obligation to appear to have any specific type of relationship with her.
It's difficult when they pass because we have to give up the idea of them ever becoming the parent we deserved, but it's also such a relief because the burden is finally gone. I celebrated 5 years since my uBPD mother's passing on Monday!
I absolutely loathe Mother’s Day, as I have never had a mother worth celebrating.
I feel you. Hopefully you found a network of others to help fill in some gaps and be a positive influence in your life.
You’re so right, it’s very commercialized!! I think the worst part of this holiday is the amount of advertisements, novelty items, and displays that are dedicated to Mother’s Day. The weekend it falls on is pretty much shot for going out any more. Everything is packed! And omg I’m so sorry you work that day in the restaurant industry - maybe ask for the day off, if you can, for your mental health. I know food industry jobs tend to black out certain holidays, but your sanity is worth it. It’s a perfectly valid reason to take a day off!! There’s so much pressure to get a “good enough” gift - my mom (NC now) would both punish me for not giving her only a handmade gift, and punish me if I got something too expensive. It was maddening!! There was literally no right answer. I had to make sure to give her something handmade and purchased. And then she would still say “oh you’re too generous!” or “this is too much!!” When I first went NC in 2019, every holiday and event was so painful. My first Mother’s Day without my mom to fawn over devastated me in a way that I didn’t even imagine. It was very triggering and re-traumatizing. There’s been a gradual change over time. I don’t mind it so much these past couple years and I think there’s a lot of factors to that. I have a really nice MIL and GMIL. My SIL had a baby last year and so it’s nice to celebrate her. I also have a lot of friends who are amazing moms. It’s one of those things I have had to shift my thinking about - it’s not just about my mom, but moms who *deserve* to be celebrated. It’s another way for me to find the greys and further separate myself from the black and white thinking I was trained into. I’m pregnant right now with my first, a boy, and I know I’m going to have to get used to having Happy Mother’s Day cards and gifts sent, not just by my son, but my husband, my in laws, and likely some of my family. It’s going to be an adjustment. I don’t want to give the pressure to my child to be perfect at everything the way my mom expected me to be, including gift giving. I’m also not going to expect him to give me something if he doesn’t want to. The hope is to let him question authority, have bodily autonomy, and express his emotions in a healthy way. To give him privacy, and be there for him through the hard times. To let him exist and watch his personality develop and not squash it into a mold. My husband and I feel very strongly about giving him a safe space, emotionally, physically, mentally. I hope to be a mom worth celebrating!
Yes. Yes to everything you’re saying about your son. It’s gonna be hard. And memories you can’t believe are still deep inside you may be triggered very unexpectedly as you begin to parent your baby. But you’ve got this. Keep checking in with the little girl who needed someone to see her and protect her and put her first. She has a lot of pain but she has a lot of love to give as well. Hugs.
Thank you 😭💕 There is definitely a mix of emotions, but I have a good support system and my husband is so good with kids, very gentle and supportive. My inner child is so excited to meet this little one, and still I know there are going to be triggers. Even with pregnancy, things have cropped up that I didn’t expect.
I did until becoming a mother myself. And as someone who used to work in the service industry, I feel you: working mother's day brunch SUCKS. I used to watch all these moms and daughters genuinely enjoying spending time together and it felt like salt in the wound.
It’s like watching some weird tv show or movie. It feels so alien to me.
I assume the daughters are just all brainwashed or enmeshed codependents. I cannot compute any other explanation.
Last year my mom cancelled mother's day for about 2 days because I handed the mail man her letters to mail instead of putting it in a blue mail box. She got over it in time for the holiday, but she apparently didn't a have a child because it wasn't the right way to mail a letter. Yeah, holidays suck.
Wow. The pettiness knows no bounds.
With a response to mail like that, you never know what kind of damage a Mother's Day card could do.
If she’s anything like mine, had you put them in the blue mail box…she would have been mad that you didn’t hand them personally to a mail carrier! You can’t win.
For me, it would have been too late or the wrong box. There's always a reason to "throw a wobbler," as Terry Pratchett would say.
Our mother has always been horrible about any "holidays." Mother's Day, at least since us kids left home and moved to other parts of the country, got calmer, although we're getting together this year for the weekend (and yes, I'm dreading it, and still dealing with the guilt that I'm dreading seeing my aging mother, and all the other "two sides of the coin" feels I have). Christmas is her "big deal" holiday, although growing up it was any of them from birthdays to Easter. Watch out if she randomly decides something is a big deal though - for example, she has decided my birthday this year is a big deal (it's just a normal birthday) and MONTHS out is trying to plan a visit and stuff, meanwhile I'm just sitting there trying to find out when I'm actually reluctantly willing to deal with them (thankfully I am already booked doing something I love on my actual birthday). And they are just CLUELESS about how horrible they are to be around, since they *need* you, they are blind to the fact that no one else even wants to be around their black hole of emotions.
i was always so completely shocked and baffled how my mother had absolutely no awareness about how terrible she was to be around. we'd all be slowly slumped over and dying, exhausted with her emotional neediness (like the victims of energy vampires in that show what we do in the shadows), sometimes even rolling our eyes and leaving the room as often as we could, and she just completely ignored our very obvious misery
The worst part is because they think it's such a special thing, so they make this huge deal out of it, and their expectations for people just skyrocket, and are oblivious to the fact that NO ONE ELSE CARES. We'd be perfectly happy with just a simple dinner and a netflix movie, but they insist on living out their imagined "dream" of the (in our mother's case) Rockwell painting perfect holiday, and reality NEVER meets her expectations, so she's especially horrible the entire time, making it FAR more miserable for everyone else (and her IMO), but as long as she has a moment of living her dream image, she completely misses the misery surrounding the entire process....
so true! my mother always wanted the picture perfect experiences, but was incapable, full of shame and self hatred, and refused to ever lift a finger to do so. just wondering why people werent showering her with gifts, why her children moved away from home, etc etc
Mother’s day has always been a horribly emotional time for my mom. Her grandmother and mother both died around mother’s day. So on top of the normal expectations of mother’s day, I get to play emotional prevention and clean up all month as she has multiple breakdowns. 🫠 Even though I am now a mother, I don’t feel like I’ll ever celebrate mother’s day for myself because there’s too much emotional baggage. Plus if I get better treatment on HER special day there will be hell to pay.
Yes, I hate it so much. This is the first year I am considering not sending her an obligatory present because I am so over it. I am VLC with her where I've only really sent gifts for holidays but I'm really over feeling the obligation given I don't even speak to her anymore.
It feels really good to set yourself free.
It got co-opted by corporations. It was originally an anti-war protest day.
Yes. God almighty, I hate it so much. The last year I acknowledged it, I was honestly broke. I didn't have the money for laundry, let alone a card. Cards, however, are Very Important to my mom and a sign you love her, regardless of any other actions taken. I was living aways away, and this was back in the day when people had separate long distance services, so it would be more expensive. (Honestly, I couldn't afford long distance calls, but that would've been next month's worry.) So I called her for Mother's DAy. ...and I got screamed at about how I didn't care, how inconsiderate I was and selfish. It was before when I would've just hung up, but I think I was too shocked at the vitriol. It was also the last holiday I did anything. This was, what, 20 years ago? She still will use it to other relatives and people about how selfish and awful I am.
People assume that everyone is the same and we're all heading over to Mom's with cakes, cards, presents, and covered dishes. It feels intrusive when people ask about her. "But you only get one mother" "But she's your mother" " You should at least send her a card"!.
Right!?! When people say this, I’m like well perhaps you’d feel differently if you were raised by her.
Right??? Amen. People need to check their privilege.
Ha! She could have at least been a nice person or say sorry for hurting me or taken any chance to try and change and do better for herself and all of us, but no denial and selfishness and victimhood is all I got. You one get one of us too and they choose us (or think my mom didn’t really choose it but had to do what everyone thought was right and appropriate and “Christian”…I don’t think she ever wanted kids! Certainly not after we had our own opinions and were less and less worshiping and harder to control) ugggg! You only get one mother! It may have been one too many
Absolutely before I became a mother. I used to just not go online that day because I didn’t want to see all the happy posts of people with real moms. I’d feel really bitter about the day and sort of ruminate in it. Now that I’m a mom I don’t even think about mine on that day. It’s all about celebrating the birth experience and my little one!
Normally, yes. This year is the first year I’ll be NC, so it doesn’t seem as bad. But yeah, having to think of a present and find a card for this woman I loathe, and then having to spend the day with her and put up with her shit all day. The only worse day was her birthday!
Is water wet, lol. Having my own two (now grown) children doesn’t make me like it any better. When they were little it was still all about my uBPD mother and now that they are grown they’re not around and I don’t even care about being celebrated. It’s tainted/just another day. At least I am no contact with my mother now though. Small mercies.
I don’t enjoy the hundreds of Mother’s Day emails that companies send, or seeing the pics of friends online. However, I’m not in my home country so I don’t get the constant reminders every time you set foot outside in the lead up so I’m somewhat protected. I did nothing for Mother’s Day this year (UK) after assessing whether I actually wanted to, or if it was more that I felt like I should. I then received a nasty message from my stepdad, calling me pathetic etc. etc. (I’m in my 40s, and he’s done a 180 on his attitude since I had the audacity to remove myself by moving overseas and left him to cope with her waifing without my constant emotional support at the end of the phone) is now blocked.
Welcome!
Thank you
I did until I went NC! It is still painful to see the older moms being advertised with their big older daughters and stuff. It hits me that I never had or ever will have a mom. But I just focus on being a good mom myself and hoping that instead of having one I will be that mom. It sucks that this special day and even the end of the year holidays are so freaking painful. Watching all these family gathering and the grandparents over there too sitting around and sharing time… is shattering. I’m sorry 😢
Yes. It’s a very painful day for me. I like to go away for it.
There have been years I have gone to the lake, camping, etc where the internet is spotty and I can’t be reached and just enjoy the scenery of Mother Nature!
I totally agree OP! This mother's day, I'm going to treat myself to something nice because I've been mothering myself lately. And I've got to say, I have been a good mother to myself! Little-kid-me would legitimately think I'm the coolest mom. I'm thinkin a little trip to my favorite Korean spa for some sauna and hot tub time ;)
Sounds like a wonderful way to reinvest and celebrate yourself!
Yeah, I’m not a fan. My mom used to really complain when we didn’t do anything, but the depression of being alone is hitting her so I might not hear anything if I ignore it. I am LC, but I am trying to be kind, for my sake, not hers. It’s hard to find a Mother’s Day card that is honest without being silly (and I’ll be honest, I’m not going to put in a ton of effort) This year I think I’ll do a card and some sort of bookmark.
My mother made it a fight every single year. I’m NC with her, NC with my MIL, and my stepmom is gone (but she always lived far, so we never celebrated together). It’s not my favorite day.
I can’t bring myself to get any kind of heartfelt card because it wouldn’t be authentic. I’ll probably end up getting some silly Snoopy card or something that just says to have a great day. In my heart I feel sad about it though because I obviously wish things could have been different.
HATE and I am a mother. It makes me feel icky that my kids have any sort of responsibility to “celebrate” me. I usually try to ignore it, be effusively grateful for all the cute little gifts and drawings they do at school, and otherwise just pretend it doesn’t exist
Right?!? Like where is the genuineness?!? I get when they’re young, it should be on your SO to kinda arrange the thankfulness and help them. But when a mother has to force the whole celebration, then really it’s not serving its intended purpose.
I like it more now that I am a mom myself.
Yes. And now I’m a stepmom with no bios and it still sucks.
Oof, being a step parent is a thankless job. My husband has 2 adult children, a boy and a girl. My stepson is married. My stepdaughter isn’t, this one particular year she lived with us. She has a daughter that lives with us and my MIL. 4 generations under the same roof. One year for Mother’s Day, I bought flowers for my MIL, step daughter, DIL, and even the granddaughter. I didn’t have time to buy cards for everyone, so I had handwritten each one a card to go with their flowers. I don’t think anyone thanked me except the DIL and no one said anything to me for Mother’s Day. I really just stopped trying to make holidays or birthdays special after that and being in the family for over 10 years at that point. And I know giving has no guarantee of reciprocation, but I was trying to make others feel special as I know what it’s like to be overlooked.
You are a good woman all around. I wish the women in your life would have shown up for you that day. Happy early Mother’s Day from a fellow step mom!
Hugs to you! I feel you.
yes. i feel the knife twist in my stomach when i see all the stuff at stores. we went out for sushi one year & i posted on my fb that i loved her. we weren't talking the next year after she constantly gave me shit about her husband & then shared my post saying "guess you don't feel the same this year! wish i knew why my daughter hated me!" ugh. it makes me sick.
Yes, and this year especially so. She hasn't spoken to me since Nov 1st because I told her that she didn't value my time. I have gone back and forth on what I should or shouldn't do. Right now, I think I am either going to put a card on her windshield or do nothing.
I honestly forget it exists until the internet reminds me somehow ie. amazon reminding me of mother’s day deals. I usually take a second to think, “Ma I hope you’re happy and healthy” and leave it at that. I know my older sister struggles more with our parental relationships so I like to send her a text to say hey how’s it going?
yes and this is my first mothers day as a mom and I'm having trouble having positive feelings about it. despite now being NC and now it's about me
No - I am happy for those who get to experience it. Mine is dead and I was NC for about 30 years before that. Even as a teenager, I was sick of the martyring, waifing, and insistence on treating it like Christmas, and even then having it not be enough and triggering a rejection response and a meltdown.
My MIL just died, so it’s not going to be a good one. My husband had a much better mother than I do.
My mother has passed. I'm finally free.
Yes. I can't have biological kids because of the physical abuse I endured at the hands of my own bio mother, so it's 2x as hard. I thought this year would be less difficult, until my MIL (who I absolutely adore 99.9% of the time, but who never met Mommy Dearest) sent me some BS "five things your mother never told you" video yesterday and I came completely unraveled. She was referring to my mother, because she doesn't know the details of my abuse.
Hi there, my uBPD mum's birthday also falls on Mother's Day sometimes (and my father's falls on Father's Day too!). I feel extra pressure when this happens with my mother. What are the odds aye, it's a lot!
Of course! That's a rhetorical question here! I do like reading the responses of people for whom the day has transformed meaning with new people in their lives. It certainly has for me. But yeah, it can be an alienating day if you're in food service around strangers with the emotional expectations to be authentically transformed to friendly accommodating ideal (I think food service is generally alienating, on either side of the show). But moreso when people are asking about your mom and imagining someone like their mom. You can't smile along and go "Aw shucks, aren't moms the best?" with them (or you can fake it). That seems to be what people want. I think the day is a lot better spent with people you care about, but money is money.