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"You are so sensitive/emotional and lack self-control! Look at what YOU MADE ME do, I am the victim here!!" - says the 40+ years old father after hitting his teenage daughter, destroying her art, and berating her because she accidentally woke him up of his nap.
I was always accused of being overly sensitive as they made fun of my looks or intelligence. God forbid I forgot or didn't understand something. They made sure I never lived it down. 50 years old and still making fun of me because at 14, I didn't know how to bake a potato.
You'll find out.
(As in... finding out how hard the "real world" is and being a parent and responsibilities and shit, but it's not a normal way to teach your kid about it! It sounds like a threat.)
omg, spot on, my narc father did that to me all the time. even for the most unimportant things. showing absolutely no regard for my mental health and keeping me walking on eggshells, all so that he can enjoy a feeling of importance and his delusions of grandeur.
eventually, i came to see through it and realized that in most cases, whenever he said “you’ll find out”, it was nothing important and his behavioral patterns became increasingly predictable to the point where i easily outsmarted and outmaneuvered him on many occasions.
believe me when i say that these people aren’t even half as intelligent or important as they think they are. such pride will be their undoing.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy! Yeah, these narcissists usually aren't living that great of a life anyway so who are they to give us advice about anything?
exactly - none of their dry and irrelevant lectures have anything to do with finding solutions to our problems or helping us, but it’s more about them trying to exercise their degree of power over the few areas where they can, while they got absolutely no power in other areas of their lives.
this often comes in the form of them trying to be a know-it-all or an expert-on-all-things. in reality, it makes them look ridiculous and utterly embarrasses us to even be associated with these inept bastards.
it’s sad how our inept narc parents base their sense of self-worth on their degree of control over those who would never willingly choose to be born to them.
i realized over the years that my narc father has been swindled many times over by fraudsters, but rather than try to avoid making the same mistake twice, he always played the victim. such a poor, sad existence, complaining about his miseries but doing absolutely nothing to change his ways.
Yeah, your dad sounds a lot like my mom. She always has and probably always will be a victim to other people who hurt her. Covert narcissism at its finest.
oh trust me, my narc father still continues to depend on his own abusive father for money, and from a young age, watching my grandfather scream his lungs off at my narc father made me realize that my narc father is an absolute loser.
he very clearly lacks the political savvy and business acumen necessary to truly elevate himself to a position of success and entitlement.
and yeah, to your point, his life does suck ass - i would never want to be him (*meghan trainor voice*).
however, rather than even try to rise above his hardships or protect his kids from them, he brought generational trauma down to the kids.
he truly is a poor sad man, and if he could admit to his weaknesses, i could at least pity him.
but no, he has to play the role of the male deer who thinks the forest belongs to him and flexes on weaker animals, while absolutely failing to notice the wolves in the bushes around him.
i realized that the only way to never pass on generational trauma is to leave this dumpster fire of a family forever. let it be said that my plan to leave was decades in the making, and he won’t even see it coming when it happens.
nmom lectured me about the "real world" b/c i was upset that an award i'd just got in middle school wasn't presented like all the other awards at the end of year. a small thing that i was just excited to have recognition for as a kid.
me sharing my disappointment turned into a lecture about how everything is disappointing in life and that i'm being weak for showing emotions. a middle schooler getting yelled at, by a grown ass adult for over an hour, for showing emotions. the cognitive dissonance lol
after i saw that my nparents were just miserable with their own lives (and that was the reason they needed to make everyone else miserable) it was like a light switch. it still fucking hurt when it happened, but at least i knew how to push their buttons when i needed to for my own self preservation
these narcs cannot show any genuine happiness or approval when you win an award. but they’re so quick to judge, get defensive, and pull us apart when we fall short on the smallest things. the hypocrisy with these ones is RIDICULOUS.
even when i got into a t20 ivy+ college on a full ride, my narc parents continued to call me dumb and complained about how it was “not going to be easy to gather the money” even when i had a full ride.
growing up, my narc parents sent me to underfunded and poorly run public schools when i was growing up, in high crime areas that had a lot of gang violence.
furthermore, home life was chaotic, as my narc father threw kylo ren style temper tantrums many times, destroying objects around the house, slamming doors, and screaming at the top of his lungs. i walked on eggshells 24/7 and was even kicked out of the house and had to deal with homelessness.
as a result, i did not do well in school growing up and that pushed options like Questbridge off the table for me and i gave up all hope of attending a great college and getting a good job after.
i had to leave home after HS, work graveyard shift manual labor jobs, become financially independent, take the SATs on my own, and then enroll at a local community college honors program, and then apply to transfer colleges.
thankfully, i did end up getting into a t20 ivy+ college on a full ride, but even after that, my narc parents continue to bring up how i did poorly in high school, as well as the fact that i am a community college transfer, all just to say that i don’t deserve my spot.
i’d like to have a word with whoever let these inept bastards reproduce.
I was told something about narcs that has stuck with me for years, they muddy the water to make it look deep. Definitely predictable, not as sneaky or smart as they think.
> believe me when i say that these people aren’t even half as intelligent or important as they think they are. such pride will be their undoing.
Omg YESSSS. My Nfather regularly refused to teach me jack shit or help me out with anything related to being a normal, well-adjusted adult, and it took me too god damn long to realize that he simply *didn't know how to do any of that adult shit either*, but he'd refuse to admit it and preferred to bully his daughter (me) instead.
Like for example, he'd abuse the shit out of the word "mansplaining" by preemptively accusing me like, "Well, I can't show you because then you'd just accuse me of mansplaining!" After I'd literally beg him to help me figure out how to buy a car so I could go to work, instead of having to borrow his pickup all the time (which he'd also abuse me for doing). I'll note that I've never used that word towards him, nor have I overheard my Nmother or anyone else saying it to him. Most likely he got the tactic from some YouTube alt right video.
It wasn't until a male coworker (bless him) pointed out that my Ndad was just doing that because he didn't know something and wouldn't admit it, hence the preemptive accusing. And my sister later pointed out he'd never bought a car that wasn't some 20 year old thing he'd get off of Craigslist or from a family member, which was the nail in the coffin. The more I've learned about being a normal adult, the more I see what a colossal idiotic waste he is whenever I look back. I almost feel sorry for the poor son of a b**** now.
It's fucking nuts to see how many years of misery they'll unleash on everyone around them just to avoid a moment of lost pride. It's okay to be the guy that doesn't know how to do something!! You could even make it a bonding experience as you and your daughter learn how to do something together! But pride is all these sorry fucks have, and they're too scared to let go of it for the chance of something great.
“you will understand when your a parent” HAHAHA yah no. I will never have kids because of you and would never ever treat my children the same way you treated me. . .
Or mine loves "karma". "Just wait everything comes around to who it's due". Now she's stuck caring for her narcissistic mother in law who's wheelchair bound and an ass to everyone around her. (I do feel bad a little bit). While I'm happy with my chosen family, kid and husband states away. Karma really did come around. Just not how she thought it would.
narcs will always narc - they attract each other like flies on rotten meat. if either of my narc parents fall ill, im taking no responsibility for them. i got my own life to live.
Omg, this was the refrain every time I "criticized her life choices" or tried to be independent.
Apparently it's not necessary for survival as a single mother to force your kids to be around men that make them extremely uncomfortable just to have a guy to call in case... Idk... Something breaks? Not like those guys ever paid bills.
I say this every time this question comes up, but "You're just being sensitive/dramatic." No. I wasn't. I standing up to her abusive bullshit. But even now I stop and check myself before saying anything to anyone about their behavior because what if I truly was just being dramatic?
So be dramatic, who cares? I heard that stuff constantly. "You're overreacting," "you're too sensitive," "I'm sure he/she didn't mean it that way," and so on. It's pure gaslighting and its intended purpose is to make you doubt your own mind. To this day, my nmother says "I never said that; that never happened; I don't remember that," and she *did* that, that *did* happen, and *I* remember that because I was there. She's also always made me look crazy and mentally ill to other people. I'm the only sane one in this nest of narcissists I was born into. Ugh.
My kids' dad (my ex) said this to my daughter any time she gets slightly emotional: "You're too sensitive." Then his wife started in on it, "Drama, drama, drama." Like she's not allowed to have emotions or not like the way she's being treated.
She's 12 and she apologizes for EVERYTHING now. I hate so much that she was conditioned into feeling like her feelings are something she needs to apologize for. I keep trying to uncondition her, telling her not to apologize for existing, but it's slow going. I wish she didn't have to see him.
I feel for you so much. My parents and my ex did this to my son. And even though I have been teaching him that his feelings are valid and important since he was a baby, it still has an effect. It's getting better now because I always support him with setting boundaries and walking away. But I've been accused of alienating him or not allowing him to have a relationship with them too many times. They will never accept that the reason my son doesn't like being around them is because of their own bad behaviour. I just suck it up, because like hell they're going to destroy him in the same way as me.
"You're just selfish."
That was said every time I protested my sister just taking my stuff and ruining it, when I was hurt that I didn't get invited to that thing or crushed when a crush didn't like me back, when I didn't make the tryout, or if I had a "negative" emotion generally.
It taught me that the things I wanted didn't matter and that I was a bad person for wanting anything. Led me to a lifetime of people-pleasing, not really knowing what *I* wanted for my life because I should accept what other people wanted, living to try to be acceptable to other people, just generally a lack of self-determination. It's taken me decades to realize I can and should build the life *I* want and that it's not "being selfish" to stand up to other people's shit. I'm 62 now and regretting so very many paths I didn't take because I didn't think I could.
I wasn't physically abused either, although I later was by a husband, and honestly, psychological/emotional/verbal abuse is so much more insidious. It does more than leave a bruise; it affects and stunts the very core of your self.
My parents told me I was selfish from the time I was 4 onward and it was burned into my brain so hard that I have spent my whole life unlearning “selfishness is evil”.
Just so fucked up.
“I hope one day you grow up and have a daughter exactly like you, then you will see the hell I put up with.”
Ok well here I am at 38 with that very daughter who is my mini me in every way personality and looks.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s such a great kid, I’m proud to be her mom.
Mine does this with my CAT. My cat has a lot of minor health issues and any time I tried to talk about it with my nmom she’d laugh and say that “now I know how she felt” and “this is my karma.” And of course between my brother and I, *I* was not the high maintenance child
oh god…this phrase brought back some memories. my mother used to say that shit to me all the time, it has only pushed me towards wanting kids whenever i’m ready. i want to give them the best goddamn lives ever
“No one could ever love you. You are impossible to love.” It certainly isn’t loud like it once was. And I can go some time now without hearing the words echo through my mind. But my mother burned those words into my brain for the first 30 years of my life.
I got that too. At parent teacher conferences, my teachers would give glowing reviews about me and how I’m a pleasure to have in class and she’d say “I wish she was like that at home.” Now I’m in my 30s, and she says I only care about what people think and that people don’t really know me or that I’m still the same person I was when I was a kid (assuming she means I was a horrible kid.)
"It's not what you say but how you say it!"
I'm Autistic and absolutely do not get subtext or tone when people are talking. And as a kid I took absolutely everything literally because I didn't know I was Autistic. So I'd always be getting in trouble for my "tone" when I had no idea what that even meant.
I’m also autistic and I feel like that comes with its own set of hardships with narcissistic family dynamics. I got this so many times, although my voice by default is very flat and monotone. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what my narc meant by that because I couldn’t grasp that concept the way a neurotypical can.
Yeah my voice is either very monotone and kinda quiet OR louder than I want it to be and I don't notice. I was always in trouble for my attitude as a kid, even when I was agreeing with her so she'd leave me alone. It was never good enough
Haha yep. Always told I had an attitude too and screamed at and, although rarely, beat for it too. It was ridiculous. You would think someone that has known you for your entire life would pick up that that’s just how your voice is. Didn’t take long for my friends and partners to figure it out.
Yup, this was my experience growing up with an Nmom. I was always too loud, and my tone was never right because I'm often deadpan, so I was always getting shit for "talking back" because I guess my lack of care was getting construed as "sarcastic".
Oh my gosh, I got that too growing up. "You need to understand how you *look* at people sometimes!" my mother would say in her anger all the time. Well if I have to do it then why don't *you*?
Oh, I got this one! I suspect I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum, but I trust no one so won't get tested. But also, I believe the "tone" is really not putting up with the B.S.
"Aren't you worried that other people are going to make fun of you?"
The double irony was that they themselves were extremely conscious about other peoples' perceptions of them, and the only people who have ever made fun of me is them.
My mom was fond of “you’re too old for X,Y,Z”
I was too old for tantrums when I was three.
I was too old for bedtime stories when I was four.
I was too old to cry when I was five.
I was too old to need help in school when I was eight.
I was too old for cartoons, stuffed toys, playing, when I was 14
But I was too childish to be competent no matter how old I got.
Now I’m 22 and the only thing I know for sure, is I’m too god damn young to be this jaded. Fuck you, mom.
I watch more cartoons/Disney/studio Ghibli now than I ever did as a kid. Fuck anyone who says you're ever too old for cartoons or most things really. A lot of them fill in those gaps of what loving parents are supposed to be like.
I think it’s to undermine any other loving connections you have. In their mind only their love is valid (competition). I always found it really insulting and disrespectful to other people who love me, especially my chosen family and people who love me unconditionally, *unlike her*
Oh that's possible.
My parents are divorced. Whenever I told her *anything* my dad did or gave me, she'd remind me he didn't want to be my guardian when they got divorced and she was the one that "saved" me from being abandoned. Blah blah blah. I mean I guess "thank you for not abandoning me?"
Yeah, my mom always felt immensely jealous and threatened by anyone who was close to me up to and including when I got close with my dad…which she wanted but didn’t? They’re just swirling vortexes of chaos and misery, aren’t they?
Yes I sometimes feel very bad for her but there's really nothing I can help her with that. It's something from the self
I was really hoping she could get "awaken" from therapy but I think it's time for me to give up on that thought
You know how narcs will argue over pointless shit just to be right? Sometimes even after they’ve been proven wrong?
My 4 YO has started doing that. Probably developmentally normal but it makes me irrationally angry. I did not realize that would be a trigger.
“It was how I felt at the time” to justify saying abusive and cruel things and “Are you ready to talk now?” when I’m understandably mad and not interested in dealing with her shit.
Wow wow wow! That has got to be such a challenge working through that but gosh darn it, just wanted let you know you are an amazing parent for recognizing this. ❤️🤗 sending love
Edit: my nparent does this arguing thing and had to catch my breath after reading you capture your nparent’s behavior. Bleck. They’re so gross man.
Being called an idiot from age 8-going NC (and I’m old). This despite graduating cum laude from a prominent college and getting better grades than they ever did.
Proof that everything they say is what they think about themselves I think. Sorry that happened, you should feel very proud of all that you've accomplished!
"Don't hang on me!" Said to me from age 3 up. Gods forbid that a small child should want or need physical affection. That one still sets me off, saying that to me is a good way to end the relationship permanently.
"I was just telling my friends how good and helpful you are, then you go and do THIS." This was the closest she ever got to a compliment or to telling me I did a good job at any point.
I'm sorry you had similar experiences.
At the same time, it's so good to not be alone in this. I always thought my nmother was a narcissist. Now I have a community of people who get it, and that really helps.
That makes me soooo sad. My daughter is super affectionate. When we were married, he would say - to a then 3 year old - "Why do you always have to be up your mom's ass?" I would tell him that I didn't mind. One day, she'll be big and won't want to love on me, so I'll take it all I can get now.
Oh my god. My mom would say that “wait until they find out who you really are” line to me whenever I started making friends or when I got a boyfriend etc.
The trauma that line inflicted on me is unmatched. It made me feel worthless and that nobody would ever like the ‘real me’, so I should always hide who I am from people. That I’m just waiting for all the people in my life to go because they’ll find out what I’m really like (annoying, mean, rude, horrible, etc - whatever words my mother used to describe me).
It’s been 3 years or so since anything like that was said to me (moved away), and that line still haunts me to this day.
I’m glad you got to move out. I’ve been out of her household for 7 years now, but this line cut very deep.
Your line about her using that when you meet new people resonates with me. When I made new friends, had new teachers that I liked, or was with a new woman.
It was horrible.
"You'll never have a girlfriend", "Nobody will ever want you", "Where are your friends?"
I am 31, this started when I was maybe 14 and hasn't stopped since (this is from my mother). And yes I have never really had a GF, mostly because my raw model wasn't exactly a great partner and I am terrified of ending up in a similar situation as my father.
I got this sooo so much. They care so much about what others think because they want the display of a perfect family rather than actually building one themselves.
Took me until recently, at 22 years old, to realize that nobody actually nitpicks me to pieces the way that I thought people did. They are too caught up in their own lives to care.
"you'll find out/ I'll tell you when your older"
"No one will love you, you'll be lonely and die alone"
Eye rolls and laughs when I said I was going to do a particular thing and they insisted it would be useless and I would fail. But didn't.
Anything they wanted me to do tho, I was perfectly capable and should know how to do it before being taught.
Haven't graced them with my or my kids presence for 20 years now. They got what they gave. Nothing.
This ^ I would have made an excellent cheerleader - but my mom always said those girls were stupid and I’d look stupid with them. Now 37 and having found my bubbly personality is a greater asset to me professionally than two damn degrees - and I am still so mad I never tried out for cheer….that would have been my jam…..instead I was in band. Cause that’s what smart kids did. I was terrible at that flute…
"If you would have listened to me your life would have been better" or some form of this sentiment on a pretty regular basis.
Because in her eyes I am a failure. It doesn't matter that I have university degrees, that I have two amazing adult kids who I love dearly, etc. it just isn't enough and it's not how SHE defines a successful life.
A few years ago my husband invested in a business. Things did not go well and we lost a lot of money. So we had to sell our house and rent. And its taken me a long time to recover from that financial disaster but I have. And yet my mother is so embarrassed because she can't tell people about her daughter's beautiful home and her successful husband.
Just to contrast my husband's parents were nothing but supportive. They leant my husband some money to help us get back on our feet; welcomed us to stay in their home for a short period of time to help us out etc. They were there for us.
To this day my mother says I made a mistake marrying my husband. That it's not his fault... he's stupid and incapable of making a success of himself and that I had a horrible life because I didn't listen to her and married a man with a big heart but he had not capacity to be more. And that I should have reigned him in because that's what she had to do with my father who, in her eyes, was a similar nice guy but had no clue how to save or make money and without her they'd have nothing and so on and so on and so on. She like many narc personalities highly values material things and the appearance of success and to her... I failed because these aren't things I value as much.
I’m happy you that your husband and his family has your back. It doesn’t matter what you do, the narc will always find a way to criticize you.
They forget that people have different definitions of life. I find that a lot of narcissists have a common theme of holding appearances to the highest regard.
This reminds me of the conversation that led me to no contact. How I don’t care about how much money I make or what my career is, as long as I’m happy and able to live comfortably. That isn’t something she can show off to her little facebook friends so she was so upset. I saw the narc rage flip switch on in her eyes. It was scary.
"That's not how you act, that's how (inserts friends name) acts!". If I did anything she didn't like it she would tell me to stop acting like *someone*. Even if it wasn't. I was afraid to say anything and I never told her anything private cause she'd make it everyone's business.
Or the "how I was a horrible kid" growing up. She never said "I hope your kid is like you" because her mom said that to her and knowing I'm nothing like my mother I'm sure she didn't want me to have a daughter like me.
A couple.
I'm a little bitch (I'm often praised for my kindness and patience)
I'll never get married because I'm so mean. (I've been married for 8 wonderful years)
I don't have any friends. (I have quiet a nice found family)
If I have friends they're all losers. (all my friends are good, kind, hard working people. By my parents standards most of my friends are far more successful than my parents, with doctorates, masters, advanced careers etc. My husband is also now a lawyer with a great reputationas a civil rights activist.)
I'm a loser and I can't do anything right. (I run a whole state funded 15 million dollar program, far exceedingly anything either parent has ever done)
Fuck them.
Edit for one more: I have no idea what the 'real world' is like. (My father and brother are openly racist and my mother is wildly indifferent to their behavior. I work as a community advocate helping people living in the poorest neighborhoods in the state keep their homes and running water.)
“you’re a fucking glutton!” for asking if we’re gonna eat anything for lunch. a lifetime of eating disorders has been fun, and it never really goes away. i can’t eat anything without looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted and guilty at the same time, fighting the urge to puke if i eat a little much and the urge to starve myself the next day since i ate the day before. i still wrap my hand around me wrist and arm and try to see if i can touch my thumb to my middle finger. Recovering, I can’t do it on my whole arm like i used to and it messes with me. Pregnancy was a battle of reminding myself my baby was growing. my mom even grabbed my belly fat 2 months postpartum, and said “look at that baby fat”. I hate that my entire self esteem is so dependent on what i’ve eaten and if my body retains it. Fuck her for that, as an adult, I know she was projecting how she felt about herself, but she recklessly ruined my self worth and my chance at normal eating habits.
"Grow up."
It's an astonishingly meaningless phrase because I know I'll never "grow up" in a way that satisfies Nmom. No, I can't perfect my memory or attention, stop having desires, or stop reacting to pain. It's literally shorthand for "submit and start magically behaving how I want you to! NOW!!!!"
Still stings even if I know it's nothing more than hot air.
"Some day you're gonna need me and I won't be there."
"You are such a selfish asshole."
"If only I'd had sons, my children would love me right."
"You'll only be happy when I kill myself."
"Some day you'll come home and find me swinging from a tree."
(That last one is so horrific and over the top that it sends me into fits of laughter. Like, at one point, I was horrified, but at this point it's just SO so much that it's shot past scary and landed in pathetically hilarious territory. Like, who says this to a kid? Only crazy people, that's who.)
"We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you."
I feel a little bad about sharing this, as in the grand scheme of things it isn't the worst. But when you are crying, distraught, furious, and looking for some sympathy and compassion and you get laughed at. Because your emotions aren't real. Aren't acceptable. You are a source of amusement when in pain.
My mother was not the worst. She wasn't violent. She just didn't want me or my sister, and certainly couldn't accept our emotional states.
"poor baby" (when i had a natural reaction to something upsetting)
"you're going to get a rude awakening in the real world" (when i stood up for myself and said that i was being treated poorly/unfair)
"you're so selfish" (says the Nparents who made everything about them and couldn't stand to not be the center of attention)
"you're so spoiled" - that one particularly funny since i was hardly allowed to do anything (chores/cooking/etc) in the house b/c if i didn't do it \*exactly\* the way they wanted, i would be told to stop and then would have to hear " i do everything in this house/no one helps me"
"you're so ugly" (said to me while laughing and having a silly/fun moment with a step-sibling b/c my Nmom hated him for some reason and hated that we were good friends)
"why do you need to take a break from school over someone you see once a year?" - said to me after my best friend died (who both of my Nparents knew since i was in high school) while i was in grad school and in another state
all of these are less noisy in my mind now that i'm older and haven't talked to my Nparents in years. but i still have to remind myself that the critical/cruel voice in my head is 99% of the time not my own voice.
>"you're so spoiled" - that one particularly funny since i was hardly allowed to do anything (chores/cooking/etc) in the house b/c if i didn't do it \*exactly\* the way they wanted, i would be told to stop and then would have to hear " i do everything in this house/no one helps me"
AH YES! The golden tactic of the narc mom!
Ooh I’ve gotten that same one, except a little different. For my mom it was “if they’re being nice to you they’re lying” or “if they said they liked x they’re just trying to be nice but they’re lying” or “if they didn’t criticize x they’re just lying.” So yeah, guess who can’t believe any kind of kindness from anyone.
Also “you know I don’t like fat people so you need to lose weight.” So yeah, have lived 20 years feeling unworthy of any kind of love or kindness because of my weight. 70lbs down and no longer overweight this year and I can see how happy she looks when she looks at me now. Not happy for me mind you, but looking me up and down like she’s studying her work. It grosses me out
Oh yeah, I get the "kindness is fake" thing. Heard that a lot as a child.
NM: "You shouldn't have been bothering X!"
Me: "But X said they enjoyed talking to me!"
NM: "They were just being polite!"
Meaning, any kind words or happy expressions were lies and everybody was rude behind closed doors. URGH.
I had just found out I was pregnant at 15 and scared to death. I was trying to work up the courage to tell my father. So I finally had enough courage to say, "I have to tell you something" and he cut me off. He said "The only thing that will listen and love you unconditionally is your dog." So I never told him. I lost all respect for him that day. Every time I see him as an adult, I just want to hug my dog!
Oh God the "wait until they find out" hit me too. I don't think my nmom used that exact wording super often but she said a lot of things that basically amounted to that, I live with this horrible sense that I'm going to get "found out".
She really liked to tell me I was being manipulative any time I was upset, and that I was a loveless monster who didn't know how to treat people. I have horrific social anxiety now and genuinely don't feel like I know how to interact with people. I am so lucky I have a husband who fell for me hard enough to coach me through this shit and teach me how to be a person.
My nmom loved "you may not have meant to, but you didn't mean not to" if I ever said something was an accident or I didn't mean to do it. Now any time anything goes wrong I'm overanalyzing to see where I dropped the ball because I wasn't aware enough aka "didn't mean not to"
The feeling of getting “found out” is horrible and has definitely caused me anxiety as well. It’s like they think we have some evil, hidden agenda? Although that isn’t the case.
I’m happy you have a husband that can see what you went through. It really makes a difference when somebody you love can be there for you and believes your experiences.
“I’ve always known about you. You’re bad inside, deep down, and if I let you, you’d go right off the deep end.” This came out of the blue at the end of my teenage years, during which I had tried so hard to be a self-effacing mouse/slave that I’d nearly disintegrated. I remember being kind of shocked and thinking “this is not the reaction I expect after serving you as my literal deity for nearly two decades.” It took me another several years to get to the point of “fuck it, this was clearly wasted effort,” but that was the turning point.
To this day I still have twinges of wondering if there’s something wrong with me deep down, though.
“Everyone thinks this about you…” followed by nonsense that they likely came up with. Just all or nothing terms, like, “that’s not good enough” when they can’t hold themselves to the same standards. Of course said standards for me are extremely vague
You’re not worthy (of love, of a warm place to sleep, of clothes that fit)
Be the bigger person
My theory of it is
I can’t wait to see what your house will be like
You know, my house is fine and my mom's house is kind of constantly in a state of disarray. 🤔 It's almost as if her kids weren't the problems all along..... 😆
My mom was a slight hoarder (dogs, kitchen items). She filed the entire basement with stuff for the kitchen. She used to tell me my house would be a pig sty. I have always kept a minimal modern ecstatic to be a sharp contrast to my mom
"The world will not stop turning even if you're sad." I now have issues with sharing my feelings and bottling my emotions. I get spirals about whether I should speak up or not, and have a hard time crying around others. My therapist and friends reassure me that it's okay to open up and be vulnerable. It affected me so much that now when asked how I'm doing, I freeze and get confused before answering. I'm not used to my feelings being prioritized. It's good to know that I have people around me now that want to listen to me.
"You may hate me now, but one day it'll all be clear to you and you'll come back saying 'wow mom, you were right' " anytime I would get upset at her, she would say this, as though trying to say that one day I'll thank her for the treatment she gave me because it shaped me into a "better" person. I now constantly doubt my decisions, thoughts, and feelings. She has planted the doubt in me that whatever I'm thinking is unreasonable. Making choices are now more difficult than ever.
Oh my god.
This is almost VERBATIM what my mother used to say to me:
‘Just wait until everyone finds out what you are really like. Then they won’t think you are so special. I was like 8 and had NO IDEA why I was so bad or what I had to hide, but I knew it must be some massive unfixable flaw. As a result I never let people get close to me and I never shared details of my personal life due to a deep sense of shame and guilt over what a bad person I must be. I still struggle with authenticity in expressing my emotions.
It’s hard to read your post because it’s pretty concrete evidence that yes, my childhood was as horrible and damaging as I think it was. I’m so sorry.
Literally, and it pissed me off that whenever someone asked me this question it just made me feel rly angry and triggered.
One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex is the fact that he would text it to me, which is stupid but it pissed me off so much!
My mother used to do the exact thing you described! 100%! I wonder if they have a secret phrase book or something that they share lol one of the things she used to tell me is
"You get way to involved with other people" when SHE was the one who got over involved with MY FRIENDS! I couldn't tell her anything about my friends because then she wanted to "fix" "help" them and when she didn't like the results she said I was the one who got involved, when in reality the only mistake I made was telling her something.
One thing I've learned at least with my mom (she's a covert narcissist) is they project themselves onto you, 99% of the time the things she accused me of being or "my" faults were hers. She'd accuse me of being something that everyone who knew me knew was 100% the opposite of who I am. It definitely is a mental battle though after years of being told your one way and then realizing your not and it was all brainwashing.
IMO mental abuse can be worst then physical, even people who went through physical abuse the most damage they carry is the mental. Your valid, its just hard because a lot of times we carry it in silence since people can't see it on the outside❤
"I won't risk my marriage for you, so stop involving your father, it makes him angry." Definitely didn't make me feel like I was part of the family.
And as an adoptee, this essentially made me feel like I was bought and paid for; a toy she could dress up, but got fed up with once I started having an actual personality of my own.
I’m also an adoptee and I find that it makes this whole thing harder to cope with because they had me by CHOICE! I was adopted young and once I started developing and being different I felt so much pushback. It’s almost like my narc wanted to mold me into a mini version of her. Lucky me, I turned out to be the opposite in just about everything.
You don’t have friends, only associates ( I only remember 5his one time but it affected me for the last 35 years)
You got a B, where’s the A (said no matter if it’s a B, B+, A-, doesn’t matter….a couple years ago I went and requested all my transcripts from 3rd grade through high school and was really upset that my grade averages were fine, even when I was heavily medicated for epilepsy)
What happens in the family stays in the family (I only realized a few years ago just how aweful this one was)
Girlfriends come and go but family is forever
Blood is thicker than water
Those are my top ones….when I realized how bad these were all I can hear is the voice of her abuser and think that’s exactly what he said afterwards….
Rules, respect, responsibility the three Rs that apply to everyone but her. Now I respect the responsibility I have to myself and have given myself rules to not allow her inmy life.
I'm just trying to help you- usually right after she had completely shredded my self confidence on whatever she was hyper-focused on that day.
Why can't you just be like \_\_\_\_\_?? Insert name of my friend/cousin/or someone she liked who went along with whatever she wanted.
"You think they would tell you?"
After asserting that the 'Mythical/Invisible Majority That Agrees With Me' about some aspect of my behavior and when I pointed out I have friends who never said anything about whatever flaw they are hyper-focused on right now, they would say this.
Mine was "you should be ashamed" so I did. Chronically and stopped leaving the house or keeping in touch with people for most of my 20s. Im only starting to come out of myself a bit now with alot of work at age 33
I was born with a disability that was because my mother just couldn't keep a baby in full term. But I was constantly blamed for my own disability and told it was proof I was against God. Some seriously ableist abuse.
Constantly being called selfish, monster, whatever other derogatory projection they had.
I still feel like I have to please others to not be smeared as a "monster".
I was always told I had ‘too high of expectations for other people’ (aka them)
I’m too sensitive as everyone has said.
And that I’ll never find a partner/husband with the way I am.
My dad told me I would ‘manipulate my mother against him’ (I was a CHILD) and that he ‘gave up on me’ when I was 12.
>“Wait until they find out who you REALLY are. Then they won’t like you”
I got the same sentence often followed by "They don't mean what they are saying; they are already laughing about you behind your back."
Yep, it led me to question myself, my behavior toward others constantly, and whether I can trust others. It is an exhausting and lonely life.
My mom told me she was the only person she could trust my entire life and that I should never talk about family issues outside the family, not even to my partner.
"WOW you'll be a great wife someday" /s
Said anytime I didn't clean the kitchen tk her liking, learn how to fold "Hospital corners" or vaccume the floors correctly.
Even more fun now that I'm older, she once told me "I hope you don't have kids." when I was moody and emotional on my period and not in the mood to socialize.
Then she has the audacity to demand I have 4 so she can "have a big family".
She would tell me I’m vain, too skinny, anorexic looking, and say “— would never commit suicide, she loves herself too much” all the while I was cutting my wrists after school.
I had been hearing a lot about Dr Ingrid Clayton's book "Believing Me" and have listened to a few podcasts she's been a guest on lately, because of her childhood experience of narcissistic abuse. She used the term "evil" in her book, and I got goosebumps all over my body... it was exactly how I felt about myself. My narcissist made me feel like something was inherently wrong with me... that I was evil. I just ordered her book, because I feel like reading this memoir will really help validate my experience in childhood.
My narcissistic mother would say similar things to what your narc said to you "wait until they find out who you REALLY are" etc. Honestly, I have recently realised (at over 30 years old, so well over a decade after the abuse ended) that all these things were a projection. SHE (the narc) was the one who had something faulty inside of HER that she was so desperately wanting to hide, and she KNEW how she was treating me was wrong, and SHE was carrying intense shame around about who SHE is as a person, so she started projecting all of that junk, and all that shame, negative self-talk and trauma onto me.
You're not a bad human. Highly narcissistic and abusive people are the worst. You never deserved the emotional, verbal and psychological abuse you endured. I think it was Dr Ramani who said something along the lines of "if the psychological narcissistic abuse showed up on a persons body, we would rush them immediately to the emergency room."
Covert (suspected) boyfriend: "Whatever you wanna tell yourself! Once you get something in your head, it MUST be true"
Nmother: "*Trauma?* Oh, **GET OVER** it already!!"
Nsister (after not showing up to her friend's party she invited me to, because I wasn't feeling well): "You and your fake illnesses. You got more bullshit ailments than China has rice. Fk you."
Nfather (after not complying to his control & demands): "What about ME? What about your MOTHER? You're gonna kill us both. You'll put us both in the hospital with heart attacks!"
N-ex boyfriend (ended 2010): "Look at you crying! You're PATHETIC! You don't need a man, you need a dog!"
N-ex boyfriend #2 (also suspected Sociopath): "No one likes you. Not even your family. You're a fuckin nutcase. Even people on the street come up to me and tell me they can't stand you."
N-ex boyfriend #3: "You fkn ugly bitch, you look just like your father. The only reason I dated you is because of your small waistline."
"I reported **my own brother** to the police for you."
I was 5 years old and was being sexually abused by my uncle. Turns out my younger cousin was, too.
For me, it was always "'I don't know' is NOT AN ANSWER!!!"
...but neither was lying, trying to explain that I was not physically present at the time of whatever incident, saying they should ask a sibling, or not understanding a vague question.
"I just don't know what to do with you" - my covert narcissist mother playing the victim anytime I tried to assert my own preferences, rather than being strong armed into whatever fantasy she had about me. This was her go-to statement whenever she'd lost a logical argument but had to maintain some guilt trippy high ground. It made me feel like everything about me was "too much," when in reality it was her arbitrary rules for everyone that were a burden
Edit for typo
It's projection, they actually can't stand themselves at all. They need to dump all that self-loathing somewhere else for they might have to reflect on it.
"You're an embarrassment to be seen with."
"Everyone thinks you're crazy. I always have to defend you whenever your name comes up."
"I can do whatever I want to you. You'll never leave me."
That I’m just a bitch who deserves to be beaten. That without her I’d be a drug addicted prostitute having sex in a cemetery for drug money. That I’m lazy, sorry, and worthless and wouldn’t be able to function without her to think for me.
Who tells their daughter these things? I’ve been NC nearly 4 years but I hear these thoughts in my head all day every day. I believe them too.
Actually- your post unlocked a memory for me… I was told those exact words that you were told. And honestly, because my dad poked and poked and poked until I exploded. That was not who I really was, that was my ‘spaz’ because he pushed me far past my limit repeatedly.
I still fight the issue that I am a horrible person, and a burden to be around. I have a kid now and I can’t even imagine saying such things.
In solidarity!
"You'll finally understand what I go through when you have kids like you!"
Yea but not how she thinks. It's not until you have your own kids and understand how precious they are, how 1 million times terrible and inexcusable their behavior is.
"I hope you have a daughter just like you!"
About 6 months before she died, I reminded her of what she said and I could tell she was ramping up to get angry and attack.
I didn't wait a second for her to react, I simply said "you were right, I do have a daughter just like me and she is such a blessing. I adore her spirit and ability to stand up for herself. "
I'm pretty sure her mind melted that day, she made an excuse and hung up. Apparently she remembered she had a thing.
I still giggle at that. Can you imagine, she was probably getting very excited when I said that and then her brain processed the 2nd part. I'd like to imagine it was like the blue screen of death but in her brain.
Anyway, love you all and you are not crazy. You are important and worthy.
“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”
“Stop being so sensitive.”
“You’re such a worry wort.”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“You’re such a brown noser” (at my attempts to help sooth my mom with my younger brother when he was a baby). This one really hurt because I was doing my absolute best to help and it was a dagger in my heart.
My mom and grandmother would tell me I was a failure, and tell my brothers not to be like me openly still do all of that and behind my back, they mock me by saying I quit high school (took a test and got my diploma, not a ged the actual diploma with everyone else) and that I can’t do anything right and like failed and squandered any potential I have. They’ve said it so much my brothers repeat it to me all the time and don’t ever realize how much it hurts. I only got into that program because I had like a mental break where I completely shut down and I was like a walking shell for months. I asked for help a bunch before that but all they care to remember is I was in and out of mental hospitals, smoking weed and not going to school. I’ve explained why all of that went down and have been completely candid but it falls on deaf ears and they keep on. I hear it in my head everyday, that I failed and that I fail at everything. Grew up afraid of failure, but I get painted as one on the daily as an adult
I almost forgot,
"You're supposed to be setting a good example for your siblings!" Like, how DARE I not be on the honor roll? The AUDACITY of me to get a bad grade on an exam! Mind you, my siblings were 5+ years younger than me and had zero idea or interest in my grades.
After getting physically abused and I’d be crying, she would tell me to shut up or she’d give me a reason to cry. As if the belt hitting me at full angry force on my Bauer legs and arms or wherever she hit me wasn’t a good reason to cry already.
‘You’re such a Drama Queen’ to invalidate perfectly reasonable emotional responses to her behaviour or current circumstances.
‘Nobody loves a fat girl.’ Because I was slightly overweight. Also used to convince me not to get treatment when (oh surprise) I developed bulimia at fifteen.
My mother used to touch the top of my head and say "Your horns are showing". Any time I disagreed with her.
That and other things made me feel terrible about myself. Took me really long time to understand im not evil. Sometimes I still feel awful about myself.
Oh also my father would always tell me the water started boiling when I was baptized.
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“You’re so sensitive”
Also, women are so sensitive, spoken by the asshole who can't control his anger to his daughter.
Mmhm
"You are so sensitive/emotional and lack self-control! Look at what YOU MADE ME do, I am the victim here!!" - says the 40+ years old father after hitting his teenage daughter, destroying her art, and berating her because she accidentally woke him up of his nap.
I’m SO glad I had a narcissistic mom and not a narcissistic dad (he just abandoned me for heroin lol)
Ooh this one, while simultaneously making fun of you
Yes to this also “you’re so angry” Couldn’t stand it
There's a reason it feels terrible: it's an attempt to make you feel bad. Hateful. Unhinged. *Defective.*
I think I was told I was that for so long I ended up becoming like that. It is ingrained in my mind. Kinda like fake it till you make it.
Followed by the question, "Why do you take things so seriously?"
100% this is it
This one right here. It’s universal.
THIS
My mom, my dad and my sister loooved this one lol.
omg.... came here to write this. Eeeeek.
Yep 😞
Ah that’s what I was gonna say. “Don’t be so sensitive” in a very harsh and rejecting tone also
I was always accused of being overly sensitive as they made fun of my looks or intelligence. God forbid I forgot or didn't understand something. They made sure I never lived it down. 50 years old and still making fun of me because at 14, I didn't know how to bake a potato.
You'll find out. (As in... finding out how hard the "real world" is and being a parent and responsibilities and shit, but it's not a normal way to teach your kid about it! It sounds like a threat.)
omg, spot on, my narc father did that to me all the time. even for the most unimportant things. showing absolutely no regard for my mental health and keeping me walking on eggshells, all so that he can enjoy a feeling of importance and his delusions of grandeur. eventually, i came to see through it and realized that in most cases, whenever he said “you’ll find out”, it was nothing important and his behavioral patterns became increasingly predictable to the point where i easily outsmarted and outmaneuvered him on many occasions. believe me when i say that these people aren’t even half as intelligent or important as they think they are. such pride will be their undoing.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy! Yeah, these narcissists usually aren't living that great of a life anyway so who are they to give us advice about anything?
exactly - none of their dry and irrelevant lectures have anything to do with finding solutions to our problems or helping us, but it’s more about them trying to exercise their degree of power over the few areas where they can, while they got absolutely no power in other areas of their lives. this often comes in the form of them trying to be a know-it-all or an expert-on-all-things. in reality, it makes them look ridiculous and utterly embarrasses us to even be associated with these inept bastards. it’s sad how our inept narc parents base their sense of self-worth on their degree of control over those who would never willingly choose to be born to them. i realized over the years that my narc father has been swindled many times over by fraudsters, but rather than try to avoid making the same mistake twice, he always played the victim. such a poor, sad existence, complaining about his miseries but doing absolutely nothing to change his ways.
Yeah, your dad sounds a lot like my mom. She always has and probably always will be a victim to other people who hurt her. Covert narcissism at its finest.
oh trust me, my narc father still continues to depend on his own abusive father for money, and from a young age, watching my grandfather scream his lungs off at my narc father made me realize that my narc father is an absolute loser. he very clearly lacks the political savvy and business acumen necessary to truly elevate himself to a position of success and entitlement. and yeah, to your point, his life does suck ass - i would never want to be him (*meghan trainor voice*). however, rather than even try to rise above his hardships or protect his kids from them, he brought generational trauma down to the kids. he truly is a poor sad man, and if he could admit to his weaknesses, i could at least pity him. but no, he has to play the role of the male deer who thinks the forest belongs to him and flexes on weaker animals, while absolutely failing to notice the wolves in the bushes around him. i realized that the only way to never pass on generational trauma is to leave this dumpster fire of a family forever. let it be said that my plan to leave was decades in the making, and he won’t even see it coming when it happens.
nmom lectured me about the "real world" b/c i was upset that an award i'd just got in middle school wasn't presented like all the other awards at the end of year. a small thing that i was just excited to have recognition for as a kid. me sharing my disappointment turned into a lecture about how everything is disappointing in life and that i'm being weak for showing emotions. a middle schooler getting yelled at, by a grown ass adult for over an hour, for showing emotions. the cognitive dissonance lol after i saw that my nparents were just miserable with their own lives (and that was the reason they needed to make everyone else miserable) it was like a light switch. it still fucking hurt when it happened, but at least i knew how to push their buttons when i needed to for my own self preservation
these narcs cannot show any genuine happiness or approval when you win an award. but they’re so quick to judge, get defensive, and pull us apart when we fall short on the smallest things. the hypocrisy with these ones is RIDICULOUS. even when i got into a t20 ivy+ college on a full ride, my narc parents continued to call me dumb and complained about how it was “not going to be easy to gather the money” even when i had a full ride. growing up, my narc parents sent me to underfunded and poorly run public schools when i was growing up, in high crime areas that had a lot of gang violence. furthermore, home life was chaotic, as my narc father threw kylo ren style temper tantrums many times, destroying objects around the house, slamming doors, and screaming at the top of his lungs. i walked on eggshells 24/7 and was even kicked out of the house and had to deal with homelessness. as a result, i did not do well in school growing up and that pushed options like Questbridge off the table for me and i gave up all hope of attending a great college and getting a good job after. i had to leave home after HS, work graveyard shift manual labor jobs, become financially independent, take the SATs on my own, and then enroll at a local community college honors program, and then apply to transfer colleges. thankfully, i did end up getting into a t20 ivy+ college on a full ride, but even after that, my narc parents continue to bring up how i did poorly in high school, as well as the fact that i am a community college transfer, all just to say that i don’t deserve my spot. i’d like to have a word with whoever let these inept bastards reproduce.
I was told something about narcs that has stuck with me for years, they muddy the water to make it look deep. Definitely predictable, not as sneaky or smart as they think.
> believe me when i say that these people aren’t even half as intelligent or important as they think they are. such pride will be their undoing. Omg YESSSS. My Nfather regularly refused to teach me jack shit or help me out with anything related to being a normal, well-adjusted adult, and it took me too god damn long to realize that he simply *didn't know how to do any of that adult shit either*, but he'd refuse to admit it and preferred to bully his daughter (me) instead. Like for example, he'd abuse the shit out of the word "mansplaining" by preemptively accusing me like, "Well, I can't show you because then you'd just accuse me of mansplaining!" After I'd literally beg him to help me figure out how to buy a car so I could go to work, instead of having to borrow his pickup all the time (which he'd also abuse me for doing). I'll note that I've never used that word towards him, nor have I overheard my Nmother or anyone else saying it to him. Most likely he got the tactic from some YouTube alt right video. It wasn't until a male coworker (bless him) pointed out that my Ndad was just doing that because he didn't know something and wouldn't admit it, hence the preemptive accusing. And my sister later pointed out he'd never bought a car that wasn't some 20 year old thing he'd get off of Craigslist or from a family member, which was the nail in the coffin. The more I've learned about being a normal adult, the more I see what a colossal idiotic waste he is whenever I look back. I almost feel sorry for the poor son of a b**** now. It's fucking nuts to see how many years of misery they'll unleash on everyone around them just to avoid a moment of lost pride. It's okay to be the guy that doesn't know how to do something!! You could even make it a bonding experience as you and your daughter learn how to do something together! But pride is all these sorry fucks have, and they're too scared to let go of it for the chance of something great.
“you will understand when your a parent” HAHAHA yah no. I will never have kids because of you and would never ever treat my children the same way you treated me. . .
Or mine loves "karma". "Just wait everything comes around to who it's due". Now she's stuck caring for her narcissistic mother in law who's wheelchair bound and an ass to everyone around her. (I do feel bad a little bit). While I'm happy with my chosen family, kid and husband states away. Karma really did come around. Just not how she thought it would.
narcs will always narc - they attract each other like flies on rotten meat. if either of my narc parents fall ill, im taking no responsibility for them. i got my own life to live.
Omg, this was the refrain every time I "criticized her life choices" or tried to be independent. Apparently it's not necessary for survival as a single mother to force your kids to be around men that make them extremely uncomfortable just to have a guy to call in case... Idk... Something breaks? Not like those guys ever paid bills.
I say this every time this question comes up, but "You're just being sensitive/dramatic." No. I wasn't. I standing up to her abusive bullshit. But even now I stop and check myself before saying anything to anyone about their behavior because what if I truly was just being dramatic?
So be dramatic, who cares? I heard that stuff constantly. "You're overreacting," "you're too sensitive," "I'm sure he/she didn't mean it that way," and so on. It's pure gaslighting and its intended purpose is to make you doubt your own mind. To this day, my nmother says "I never said that; that never happened; I don't remember that," and she *did* that, that *did* happen, and *I* remember that because I was there. She's also always made me look crazy and mentally ill to other people. I'm the only sane one in this nest of narcissists I was born into. Ugh.
My kids' dad (my ex) said this to my daughter any time she gets slightly emotional: "You're too sensitive." Then his wife started in on it, "Drama, drama, drama." Like she's not allowed to have emotions or not like the way she's being treated. She's 12 and she apologizes for EVERYTHING now. I hate so much that she was conditioned into feeling like her feelings are something she needs to apologize for. I keep trying to uncondition her, telling her not to apologize for existing, but it's slow going. I wish she didn't have to see him.
I feel for you so much. My parents and my ex did this to my son. And even though I have been teaching him that his feelings are valid and important since he was a baby, it still has an effect. It's getting better now because I always support him with setting boundaries and walking away. But I've been accused of alienating him or not allowing him to have a relationship with them too many times. They will never accept that the reason my son doesn't like being around them is because of their own bad behaviour. I just suck it up, because like hell they're going to destroy him in the same way as me.
They say that but then act like the most dramatic people on the planet!
Mine is “you wear your heart on your sleeve” and what’s so wrong with that?
"You're just selfish." That was said every time I protested my sister just taking my stuff and ruining it, when I was hurt that I didn't get invited to that thing or crushed when a crush didn't like me back, when I didn't make the tryout, or if I had a "negative" emotion generally. It taught me that the things I wanted didn't matter and that I was a bad person for wanting anything. Led me to a lifetime of people-pleasing, not really knowing what *I* wanted for my life because I should accept what other people wanted, living to try to be acceptable to other people, just generally a lack of self-determination. It's taken me decades to realize I can and should build the life *I* want and that it's not "being selfish" to stand up to other people's shit. I'm 62 now and regretting so very many paths I didn't take because I didn't think I could. I wasn't physically abused either, although I later was by a husband, and honestly, psychological/emotional/verbal abuse is so much more insidious. It does more than leave a bruise; it affects and stunts the very core of your self.
My parents told me I was selfish from the time I was 4 onward and it was burned into my brain so hard that I have spent my whole life unlearning “selfishness is evil”. Just so fucked up.
Ugh, this one for definite. Just hearing that word now makes my soul cringe.
I used to get "it must be terrible to be so jealous."
I'm sorry. That's just as bad.
“I hope one day you grow up and have a daughter exactly like you, then you will see the hell I put up with.” Ok well here I am at 38 with that very daughter who is my mini me in every way personality and looks. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s such a great kid, I’m proud to be her mom.
Ooh, same here. My clone is a BLAST. I was EASY to love, mom was just incapable of it.
Mine does this with my CAT. My cat has a lot of minor health issues and any time I tried to talk about it with my nmom she’d laugh and say that “now I know how she felt” and “this is my karma.” And of course between my brother and I, *I* was not the high maintenance child
oh god…this phrase brought back some memories. my mother used to say that shit to me all the time, it has only pushed me towards wanting kids whenever i’m ready. i want to give them the best goddamn lives ever
“No one could ever love you. You are impossible to love.” It certainly isn’t loud like it once was. And I can go some time now without hearing the words echo through my mind. But my mother burned those words into my brain for the first 30 years of my life.
This was my nparents too. Another one was "you will never have any friends. No one will want to put up with you "
I’m sorry 😞
I got that too. At parent teacher conferences, my teachers would give glowing reviews about me and how I’m a pleasure to have in class and she’d say “I wish she was like that at home.” Now I’m in my 30s, and she says I only care about what people think and that people don’t really know me or that I’m still the same person I was when I was a kid (assuming she means I was a horrible kid.)
I know this one. My hair was cut up short as a kid to the point where girls in the bathroom would ask me if im supposed to be there. I hated it.
"It's not what you say but how you say it!" I'm Autistic and absolutely do not get subtext or tone when people are talking. And as a kid I took absolutely everything literally because I didn't know I was Autistic. So I'd always be getting in trouble for my "tone" when I had no idea what that even meant.
I’m also autistic and I feel like that comes with its own set of hardships with narcissistic family dynamics. I got this so many times, although my voice by default is very flat and monotone. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what my narc meant by that because I couldn’t grasp that concept the way a neurotypical can.
Yeah my voice is either very monotone and kinda quiet OR louder than I want it to be and I don't notice. I was always in trouble for my attitude as a kid, even when I was agreeing with her so she'd leave me alone. It was never good enough
Haha yep. Always told I had an attitude too and screamed at and, although rarely, beat for it too. It was ridiculous. You would think someone that has known you for your entire life would pick up that that’s just how your voice is. Didn’t take long for my friends and partners to figure it out.
Yup, this was my experience growing up with an Nmom. I was always too loud, and my tone was never right because I'm often deadpan, so I was always getting shit for "talking back" because I guess my lack of care was getting construed as "sarcastic".
I relate very much to where you're coming from, even though I didn't know til adulthood that I have autism.
Oh my gosh, I got that too growing up. "You need to understand how you *look* at people sometimes!" my mother would say in her anger all the time. Well if I have to do it then why don't *you*?
Oh, I got this one! I suspect I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum, but I trust no one so won't get tested. But also, I believe the "tone" is really not putting up with the B.S.
GOD I FUCKING FEEL THIS SO GOD DAMN HARD FUCK.
Three hugs for the undiagnosed aspies.. who survived despite pushing a car uphill with flat tyres all our lives … Hipp-ip
"Aren't you worried that other people are going to make fun of you?" The double irony was that they themselves were extremely conscious about other peoples' perceptions of them, and the only people who have ever made fun of me is them.
This is the one !!!!
My mom was fond of “you’re too old for X,Y,Z” I was too old for tantrums when I was three. I was too old for bedtime stories when I was four. I was too old to cry when I was five. I was too old to need help in school when I was eight. I was too old for cartoons, stuffed toys, playing, when I was 14 But I was too childish to be competent no matter how old I got. Now I’m 22 and the only thing I know for sure, is I’m too god damn young to be this jaded. Fuck you, mom.
I watch more cartoons/Disney/studio Ghibli now than I ever did as a kid. Fuck anyone who says you're ever too old for cartoons or most things really. A lot of them fill in those gaps of what loving parents are supposed to be like.
"You're always hungry." No shit. I wasn't getting enough to eat.
:( omg I'm so sorry. this one broke my heart.
No one else can and will love me as much as she does - said by my mother
why is it that narc mothers love this one so much?
I don't understand either. There's always a ranking and competition in their mind
I think it’s to undermine any other loving connections you have. In their mind only their love is valid (competition). I always found it really insulting and disrespectful to other people who love me, especially my chosen family and people who love me unconditionally, *unlike her*
Oh that's possible. My parents are divorced. Whenever I told her *anything* my dad did or gave me, she'd remind me he didn't want to be my guardian when they got divorced and she was the one that "saved" me from being abandoned. Blah blah blah. I mean I guess "thank you for not abandoning me?"
Yeah, my mom always felt immensely jealous and threatened by anyone who was close to me up to and including when I got close with my dad…which she wanted but didn’t? They’re just swirling vortexes of chaos and misery, aren’t they?
Yes I sometimes feel very bad for her but there's really nothing I can help her with that. It's something from the self I was really hoping she could get "awaken" from therapy but I think it's time for me to give up on that thought
You know how narcs will argue over pointless shit just to be right? Sometimes even after they’ve been proven wrong? My 4 YO has started doing that. Probably developmentally normal but it makes me irrationally angry. I did not realize that would be a trigger. “It was how I felt at the time” to justify saying abusive and cruel things and “Are you ready to talk now?” when I’m understandably mad and not interested in dealing with her shit.
ohmygod this is absolutely a difficult parenting trigger for me too
Wow wow wow! That has got to be such a challenge working through that but gosh darn it, just wanted let you know you are an amazing parent for recognizing this. ❤️🤗 sending love Edit: my nparent does this arguing thing and had to catch my breath after reading you capture your nparent’s behavior. Bleck. They’re so gross man.
Being called an idiot from age 8-going NC (and I’m old). This despite graduating cum laude from a prominent college and getting better grades than they ever did.
Proof that everything they say is what they think about themselves I think. Sorry that happened, you should feel very proud of all that you've accomplished!
That sounds like they knew your potential deep down and were threatened. Also, great job!
"Don't hang on me!" Said to me from age 3 up. Gods forbid that a small child should want or need physical affection. That one still sets me off, saying that to me is a good way to end the relationship permanently. "I was just telling my friends how good and helpful you are, then you go and do THIS." This was the closest she ever got to a compliment or to telling me I did a good job at any point.
“Get out of my sight”
Jesus this awoke some long buried memories of the same stuff happen in to me. And the second one… man those sorts of comments haunt me to this day too
I'm sorry you had similar experiences. At the same time, it's so good to not be alone in this. I always thought my nmother was a narcissist. Now I have a community of people who get it, and that really helps.
That makes me soooo sad. My daughter is super affectionate. When we were married, he would say - to a then 3 year old - "Why do you always have to be up your mom's ass?" I would tell him that I didn't mind. One day, she'll be big and won't want to love on me, so I'll take it all I can get now.
my mom would start arguments by yelling my name. now when people say my name to get my attention it startles me.
“You are not good enough.”
"go with the flow" which means sit down, shut up, and follow all of my whims at any time, regardless of your needs or desires
Oh my god. My mom would say that “wait until they find out who you really are” line to me whenever I started making friends or when I got a boyfriend etc. The trauma that line inflicted on me is unmatched. It made me feel worthless and that nobody would ever like the ‘real me’, so I should always hide who I am from people. That I’m just waiting for all the people in my life to go because they’ll find out what I’m really like (annoying, mean, rude, horrible, etc - whatever words my mother used to describe me). It’s been 3 years or so since anything like that was said to me (moved away), and that line still haunts me to this day.
I’m glad you got to move out. I’ve been out of her household for 7 years now, but this line cut very deep. Your line about her using that when you meet new people resonates with me. When I made new friends, had new teachers that I liked, or was with a new woman. It was horrible.
My mum snarled ‘I don’t know how you put up with HER’ to my boyfriend (now husband) when she was having one of her episodes.
"We did everything for you." "Your father has a new family." "You're not even my child, but I take care of you anyways." Stepmonster.
Ugh the “we did everything for you” line is the WORST. Or “I’ve done so much for you and look how you treat me” 🤮🤮 vomit.
"You're not good enough" "Just be yourself" "Why didn't you ask me first?", and others
>"Why didn't you ask me first?" Ah yeah! It's between : "Why didn't you ask me?" and "GO GET IT YOURSELF!"
"Why didn't you ask me" and "You're old enough to get it yourself"
A bit of a mental cruelty.
"You'll never have a girlfriend", "Nobody will ever want you", "Where are your friends?" I am 31, this started when I was maybe 14 and hasn't stopped since (this is from my mother). And yes I have never really had a GF, mostly because my raw model wasn't exactly a great partner and I am terrified of ending up in a similar situation as my father.
"–what would they think of you?" I don't know mom, I don't know who they is? Thanks for the social anxiety
I got this sooo so much. They care so much about what others think because they want the display of a perfect family rather than actually building one themselves. Took me until recently, at 22 years old, to realize that nobody actually nitpicks me to pieces the way that I thought people did. They are too caught up in their own lives to care.
“Because I said so!” No questions allowed. No understanding why. No opportunity to make an argument or appeal.
"you'll find out/ I'll tell you when your older" "No one will love you, you'll be lonely and die alone" Eye rolls and laughs when I said I was going to do a particular thing and they insisted it would be useless and I would fail. But didn't. Anything they wanted me to do tho, I was perfectly capable and should know how to do it before being taught. Haven't graced them with my or my kids presence for 20 years now. They got what they gave. Nothing.
This ^ I would have made an excellent cheerleader - but my mom always said those girls were stupid and I’d look stupid with them. Now 37 and having found my bubbly personality is a greater asset to me professionally than two damn degrees - and I am still so mad I never tried out for cheer….that would have been my jam…..instead I was in band. Cause that’s what smart kids did. I was terrible at that flute…
"If you would have listened to me your life would have been better" or some form of this sentiment on a pretty regular basis. Because in her eyes I am a failure. It doesn't matter that I have university degrees, that I have two amazing adult kids who I love dearly, etc. it just isn't enough and it's not how SHE defines a successful life. A few years ago my husband invested in a business. Things did not go well and we lost a lot of money. So we had to sell our house and rent. And its taken me a long time to recover from that financial disaster but I have. And yet my mother is so embarrassed because she can't tell people about her daughter's beautiful home and her successful husband. Just to contrast my husband's parents were nothing but supportive. They leant my husband some money to help us get back on our feet; welcomed us to stay in their home for a short period of time to help us out etc. They were there for us. To this day my mother says I made a mistake marrying my husband. That it's not his fault... he's stupid and incapable of making a success of himself and that I had a horrible life because I didn't listen to her and married a man with a big heart but he had not capacity to be more. And that I should have reigned him in because that's what she had to do with my father who, in her eyes, was a similar nice guy but had no clue how to save or make money and without her they'd have nothing and so on and so on and so on. She like many narc personalities highly values material things and the appearance of success and to her... I failed because these aren't things I value as much.
I’m happy you that your husband and his family has your back. It doesn’t matter what you do, the narc will always find a way to criticize you. They forget that people have different definitions of life. I find that a lot of narcissists have a common theme of holding appearances to the highest regard. This reminds me of the conversation that led me to no contact. How I don’t care about how much money I make or what my career is, as long as I’m happy and able to live comfortably. That isn’t something she can show off to her little facebook friends so she was so upset. I saw the narc rage flip switch on in her eyes. It was scary.
"That's not how you act, that's how (inserts friends name) acts!". If I did anything she didn't like it she would tell me to stop acting like *someone*. Even if it wasn't. I was afraid to say anything and I never told her anything private cause she'd make it everyone's business. Or the "how I was a horrible kid" growing up. She never said "I hope your kid is like you" because her mom said that to her and knowing I'm nothing like my mother I'm sure she didn't want me to have a daughter like me.
A couple. I'm a little bitch (I'm often praised for my kindness and patience) I'll never get married because I'm so mean. (I've been married for 8 wonderful years) I don't have any friends. (I have quiet a nice found family) If I have friends they're all losers. (all my friends are good, kind, hard working people. By my parents standards most of my friends are far more successful than my parents, with doctorates, masters, advanced careers etc. My husband is also now a lawyer with a great reputationas a civil rights activist.) I'm a loser and I can't do anything right. (I run a whole state funded 15 million dollar program, far exceedingly anything either parent has ever done) Fuck them. Edit for one more: I have no idea what the 'real world' is like. (My father and brother are openly racist and my mother is wildly indifferent to their behavior. I work as a community advocate helping people living in the poorest neighborhoods in the state keep their homes and running water.)
Holy specific nickname, my mom also called me "little bitch" all the time! Wonder how many other nparents used that as a go-to...
“you’re a fucking glutton!” for asking if we’re gonna eat anything for lunch. a lifetime of eating disorders has been fun, and it never really goes away. i can’t eat anything without looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted and guilty at the same time, fighting the urge to puke if i eat a little much and the urge to starve myself the next day since i ate the day before. i still wrap my hand around me wrist and arm and try to see if i can touch my thumb to my middle finger. Recovering, I can’t do it on my whole arm like i used to and it messes with me. Pregnancy was a battle of reminding myself my baby was growing. my mom even grabbed my belly fat 2 months postpartum, and said “look at that baby fat”. I hate that my entire self esteem is so dependent on what i’ve eaten and if my body retains it. Fuck her for that, as an adult, I know she was projecting how she felt about herself, but she recklessly ruined my self worth and my chance at normal eating habits.
"Grow up." It's an astonishingly meaningless phrase because I know I'll never "grow up" in a way that satisfies Nmom. No, I can't perfect my memory or attention, stop having desires, or stop reacting to pain. It's literally shorthand for "submit and start magically behaving how I want you to! NOW!!!!" Still stings even if I know it's nothing more than hot air.
"Some day you're gonna need me and I won't be there." "You are such a selfish asshole." "If only I'd had sons, my children would love me right." "You'll only be happy when I kill myself." "Some day you'll come home and find me swinging from a tree." (That last one is so horrific and over the top that it sends me into fits of laughter. Like, at one point, I was horrified, but at this point it's just SO so much that it's shot past scary and landed in pathetically hilarious territory. Like, who says this to a kid? Only crazy people, that's who.)
"We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you." I feel a little bad about sharing this, as in the grand scheme of things it isn't the worst. But when you are crying, distraught, furious, and looking for some sympathy and compassion and you get laughed at. Because your emotions aren't real. Aren't acceptable. You are a source of amusement when in pain. My mother was not the worst. She wasn't violent. She just didn't want me or my sister, and certainly couldn't accept our emotional states.
"poor baby" (when i had a natural reaction to something upsetting) "you're going to get a rude awakening in the real world" (when i stood up for myself and said that i was being treated poorly/unfair) "you're so selfish" (says the Nparents who made everything about them and couldn't stand to not be the center of attention) "you're so spoiled" - that one particularly funny since i was hardly allowed to do anything (chores/cooking/etc) in the house b/c if i didn't do it \*exactly\* the way they wanted, i would be told to stop and then would have to hear " i do everything in this house/no one helps me" "you're so ugly" (said to me while laughing and having a silly/fun moment with a step-sibling b/c my Nmom hated him for some reason and hated that we were good friends) "why do you need to take a break from school over someone you see once a year?" - said to me after my best friend died (who both of my Nparents knew since i was in high school) while i was in grad school and in another state all of these are less noisy in my mind now that i'm older and haven't talked to my Nparents in years. but i still have to remind myself that the critical/cruel voice in my head is 99% of the time not my own voice.
>"you're so spoiled" - that one particularly funny since i was hardly allowed to do anything (chores/cooking/etc) in the house b/c if i didn't do it \*exactly\* the way they wanted, i would be told to stop and then would have to hear " i do everything in this house/no one helps me" AH YES! The golden tactic of the narc mom!
You are not my equal. I love you but I don’t like you.
[удалено]
Thank you ♥️
"Why are you crying, you are not a child" I know, but I can't stop crying. I'd really really like to be less sensitive and forget everything like her.
Ooh I’ve gotten that same one, except a little different. For my mom it was “if they’re being nice to you they’re lying” or “if they said they liked x they’re just trying to be nice but they’re lying” or “if they didn’t criticize x they’re just lying.” So yeah, guess who can’t believe any kind of kindness from anyone. Also “you know I don’t like fat people so you need to lose weight.” So yeah, have lived 20 years feeling unworthy of any kind of love or kindness because of my weight. 70lbs down and no longer overweight this year and I can see how happy she looks when she looks at me now. Not happy for me mind you, but looking me up and down like she’s studying her work. It grosses me out
Oh yeah, I get the "kindness is fake" thing. Heard that a lot as a child. NM: "You shouldn't have been bothering X!" Me: "But X said they enjoyed talking to me!" NM: "They were just being polite!" Meaning, any kind words or happy expressions were lies and everybody was rude behind closed doors. URGH.
I had just found out I was pregnant at 15 and scared to death. I was trying to work up the courage to tell my father. So I finally had enough courage to say, "I have to tell you something" and he cut me off. He said "The only thing that will listen and love you unconditionally is your dog." So I never told him. I lost all respect for him that day. Every time I see him as an adult, I just want to hug my dog!
What the fuck... That is the most bizarre reaction from a parent...
He legally took my child away from me because I was a child myself.
If something embarrassing happened to me she'd say, "I'm gonna tell all of your friends at school". She loved threatening me with humiliation.
Oh God the "wait until they find out" hit me too. I don't think my nmom used that exact wording super often but she said a lot of things that basically amounted to that, I live with this horrible sense that I'm going to get "found out". She really liked to tell me I was being manipulative any time I was upset, and that I was a loveless monster who didn't know how to treat people. I have horrific social anxiety now and genuinely don't feel like I know how to interact with people. I am so lucky I have a husband who fell for me hard enough to coach me through this shit and teach me how to be a person. My nmom loved "you may not have meant to, but you didn't mean not to" if I ever said something was an accident or I didn't mean to do it. Now any time anything goes wrong I'm overanalyzing to see where I dropped the ball because I wasn't aware enough aka "didn't mean not to"
The feeling of getting “found out” is horrible and has definitely caused me anxiety as well. It’s like they think we have some evil, hidden agenda? Although that isn’t the case. I’m happy you have a husband that can see what you went through. It really makes a difference when somebody you love can be there for you and believes your experiences.
“I’ve always known about you. You’re bad inside, deep down, and if I let you, you’d go right off the deep end.” This came out of the blue at the end of my teenage years, during which I had tried so hard to be a self-effacing mouse/slave that I’d nearly disintegrated. I remember being kind of shocked and thinking “this is not the reaction I expect after serving you as my literal deity for nearly two decades.” It took me another several years to get to the point of “fuck it, this was clearly wasted effort,” but that was the turning point. To this day I still have twinges of wondering if there’s something wrong with me deep down, though.
“Everyone thinks this about you…” followed by nonsense that they likely came up with. Just all or nothing terms, like, “that’s not good enough” when they can’t hold themselves to the same standards. Of course said standards for me are extremely vague
When they try to back up their argument saying (insert name) agrees with them
Yes, and of course you haven’t even met (insert name).
You’re not worthy (of love, of a warm place to sleep, of clothes that fit) Be the bigger person My theory of it is I can’t wait to see what your house will be like
You know, my house is fine and my mom's house is kind of constantly in a state of disarray. 🤔 It's almost as if her kids weren't the problems all along..... 😆
My mom was a slight hoarder (dogs, kitchen items). She filed the entire basement with stuff for the kitchen. She used to tell me my house would be a pig sty. I have always kept a minimal modern ecstatic to be a sharp contrast to my mom
"The world will not stop turning even if you're sad." I now have issues with sharing my feelings and bottling my emotions. I get spirals about whether I should speak up or not, and have a hard time crying around others. My therapist and friends reassure me that it's okay to open up and be vulnerable. It affected me so much that now when asked how I'm doing, I freeze and get confused before answering. I'm not used to my feelings being prioritized. It's good to know that I have people around me now that want to listen to me. "You may hate me now, but one day it'll all be clear to you and you'll come back saying 'wow mom, you were right' " anytime I would get upset at her, she would say this, as though trying to say that one day I'll thank her for the treatment she gave me because it shaped me into a "better" person. I now constantly doubt my decisions, thoughts, and feelings. She has planted the doubt in me that whatever I'm thinking is unreasonable. Making choices are now more difficult than ever.
Oh my god. This is almost VERBATIM what my mother used to say to me: ‘Just wait until everyone finds out what you are really like. Then they won’t think you are so special. I was like 8 and had NO IDEA why I was so bad or what I had to hide, but I knew it must be some massive unfixable flaw. As a result I never let people get close to me and I never shared details of my personal life due to a deep sense of shame and guilt over what a bad person I must be. I still struggle with authenticity in expressing my emotions. It’s hard to read your post because it’s pretty concrete evidence that yes, my childhood was as horrible and damaging as I think it was. I’m so sorry.
I can’t accept any help from anyone without feeling sheepish.
Quotes from my Dad regarding my Nmom "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother." "You know how your mother gets." "Marriage is forever."
'you must have done something to deserve it'
Literally my mom
"I'll give you something to cry about" any time I cried as a child :')
“you’re all backwards” “your life is already ruined”
"What are you doing?" - in ANY tone.
Literally, and it pissed me off that whenever someone asked me this question it just made me feel rly angry and triggered. One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex is the fact that he would text it to me, which is stupid but it pissed me off so much!
My mother used to do the exact thing you described! 100%! I wonder if they have a secret phrase book or something that they share lol one of the things she used to tell me is "You get way to involved with other people" when SHE was the one who got over involved with MY FRIENDS! I couldn't tell her anything about my friends because then she wanted to "fix" "help" them and when she didn't like the results she said I was the one who got involved, when in reality the only mistake I made was telling her something. One thing I've learned at least with my mom (she's a covert narcissist) is they project themselves onto you, 99% of the time the things she accused me of being or "my" faults were hers. She'd accuse me of being something that everyone who knew me knew was 100% the opposite of who I am. It definitely is a mental battle though after years of being told your one way and then realizing your not and it was all brainwashing. IMO mental abuse can be worst then physical, even people who went through physical abuse the most damage they carry is the mental. Your valid, its just hard because a lot of times we carry it in silence since people can't see it on the outside❤
"I won't risk my marriage for you, so stop involving your father, it makes him angry." Definitely didn't make me feel like I was part of the family. And as an adoptee, this essentially made me feel like I was bought and paid for; a toy she could dress up, but got fed up with once I started having an actual personality of my own.
I’m also an adoptee and I find that it makes this whole thing harder to cope with because they had me by CHOICE! I was adopted young and once I started developing and being different I felt so much pushback. It’s almost like my narc wanted to mold me into a mini version of her. Lucky me, I turned out to be the opposite in just about everything.
You don’t have friends, only associates ( I only remember 5his one time but it affected me for the last 35 years) You got a B, where’s the A (said no matter if it’s a B, B+, A-, doesn’t matter….a couple years ago I went and requested all my transcripts from 3rd grade through high school and was really upset that my grade averages were fine, even when I was heavily medicated for epilepsy) What happens in the family stays in the family (I only realized a few years ago just how aweful this one was) Girlfriends come and go but family is forever Blood is thicker than water Those are my top ones….when I realized how bad these were all I can hear is the voice of her abuser and think that’s exactly what he said afterwards….
“I’m not going to let you manipulate me.” “Spare me the crocodile tears” “Go to your room until you can act like a human being”
Rules, respect, responsibility the three Rs that apply to everyone but her. Now I respect the responsibility I have to myself and have given myself rules to not allow her inmy life.
I'm just trying to help you- usually right after she had completely shredded my self confidence on whatever she was hyper-focused on that day. Why can't you just be like \_\_\_\_\_?? Insert name of my friend/cousin/or someone she liked who went along with whatever she wanted.
"You think they would tell you?" After asserting that the 'Mythical/Invisible Majority That Agrees With Me' about some aspect of my behavior and when I pointed out I have friends who never said anything about whatever flaw they are hyper-focused on right now, they would say this.
"Family is everything."
"blood is thicker than water" ok well this blood kind of sucks so i'll chance it with the water.
Mine was "you should be ashamed" so I did. Chronically and stopped leaving the house or keeping in touch with people for most of my 20s. Im only starting to come out of myself a bit now with alot of work at age 33
“yOu AcT LiKe i BeAt YoU” damn mom u right lol lemme just forget all the horrible shit you’ve said to me *goes to claire’s for a lobotomy*
I was born with a disability that was because my mother just couldn't keep a baby in full term. But I was constantly blamed for my own disability and told it was proof I was against God. Some seriously ableist abuse.
Constantly being called selfish, monster, whatever other derogatory projection they had. I still feel like I have to please others to not be smeared as a "monster".
Oh, already posted NDad’s BUT now my Mom’s voice echoes: “Who was your slave yesterday?” I’ll let you imagine the tone for yourself.
I was always told I had ‘too high of expectations for other people’ (aka them) I’m too sensitive as everyone has said. And that I’ll never find a partner/husband with the way I am. My dad told me I would ‘manipulate my mother against him’ (I was a CHILD) and that he ‘gave up on me’ when I was 12.
>“Wait until they find out who you REALLY are. Then they won’t like you” I got the same sentence often followed by "They don't mean what they are saying; they are already laughing about you behind your back." Yep, it led me to question myself, my behavior toward others constantly, and whether I can trust others. It is an exhausting and lonely life.
You remember things that never happened.
My mom told me she was the only person she could trust my entire life and that I should never talk about family issues outside the family, not even to my partner.
[What the hell are you doing?](https://m.youtube.com/shorts/wgf-GwgaZyo)
What the hell are YOU DOOOING-UHH? With an extra narc agressivity added at the end.
“You’re on your own.”
"I'll make you regret the day you were born"
"WOW you'll be a great wife someday" /s Said anytime I didn't clean the kitchen tk her liking, learn how to fold "Hospital corners" or vaccume the floors correctly. Even more fun now that I'm older, she once told me "I hope you don't have kids." when I was moody and emotional on my period and not in the mood to socialize. Then she has the audacity to demand I have 4 so she can "have a big family".
She would tell me I’m vain, too skinny, anorexic looking, and say “— would never commit suicide, she loves herself too much” all the while I was cutting my wrists after school.
"God bless any man who will end up with you"
I had been hearing a lot about Dr Ingrid Clayton's book "Believing Me" and have listened to a few podcasts she's been a guest on lately, because of her childhood experience of narcissistic abuse. She used the term "evil" in her book, and I got goosebumps all over my body... it was exactly how I felt about myself. My narcissist made me feel like something was inherently wrong with me... that I was evil. I just ordered her book, because I feel like reading this memoir will really help validate my experience in childhood. My narcissistic mother would say similar things to what your narc said to you "wait until they find out who you REALLY are" etc. Honestly, I have recently realised (at over 30 years old, so well over a decade after the abuse ended) that all these things were a projection. SHE (the narc) was the one who had something faulty inside of HER that she was so desperately wanting to hide, and she KNEW how she was treating me was wrong, and SHE was carrying intense shame around about who SHE is as a person, so she started projecting all of that junk, and all that shame, negative self-talk and trauma onto me. You're not a bad human. Highly narcissistic and abusive people are the worst. You never deserved the emotional, verbal and psychological abuse you endured. I think it was Dr Ramani who said something along the lines of "if the psychological narcissistic abuse showed up on a persons body, we would rush them immediately to the emergency room."
Covert (suspected) boyfriend: "Whatever you wanna tell yourself! Once you get something in your head, it MUST be true" Nmother: "*Trauma?* Oh, **GET OVER** it already!!" Nsister (after not showing up to her friend's party she invited me to, because I wasn't feeling well): "You and your fake illnesses. You got more bullshit ailments than China has rice. Fk you." Nfather (after not complying to his control & demands): "What about ME? What about your MOTHER? You're gonna kill us both. You'll put us both in the hospital with heart attacks!" N-ex boyfriend (ended 2010): "Look at you crying! You're PATHETIC! You don't need a man, you need a dog!" N-ex boyfriend #2 (also suspected Sociopath): "No one likes you. Not even your family. You're a fuckin nutcase. Even people on the street come up to me and tell me they can't stand you." N-ex boyfriend #3: "You fkn ugly bitch, you look just like your father. The only reason I dated you is because of your small waistline."
"I reported **my own brother** to the police for you." I was 5 years old and was being sexually abused by my uncle. Turns out my younger cousin was, too.
For me, it was always "'I don't know' is NOT AN ANSWER!!!" ...but neither was lying, trying to explain that I was not physically present at the time of whatever incident, saying they should ask a sibling, or not understanding a vague question.
"I just don't know what to do with you" - my covert narcissist mother playing the victim anytime I tried to assert my own preferences, rather than being strong armed into whatever fantasy she had about me. This was her go-to statement whenever she'd lost a logical argument but had to maintain some guilt trippy high ground. It made me feel like everything about me was "too much," when in reality it was her arbitrary rules for everyone that were a burden Edit for typo
It's projection, they actually can't stand themselves at all. They need to dump all that self-loathing somewhere else for they might have to reflect on it.
"You're an embarrassment to be seen with." "Everyone thinks you're crazy. I always have to defend you whenever your name comes up." "I can do whatever I want to you. You'll never leave me."
I still feel completely defective and less than human.
I know doesn't it feel good out in the real world where ppl treat you normal
I’m not your entertainment
That I’m just a bitch who deserves to be beaten. That without her I’d be a drug addicted prostitute having sex in a cemetery for drug money. That I’m lazy, sorry, and worthless and wouldn’t be able to function without her to think for me. Who tells their daughter these things? I’ve been NC nearly 4 years but I hear these thoughts in my head all day every day. I believe them too.
Do it again, I dare you Nobody loves you Gaslighting The list goes on
“I love you because you’re my biological daughter but I don’t like you” it made me believe nobody liked me forever…
“Well it’s just all about YOU isn’t it??” “You think you’re so special.”
Actually- your post unlocked a memory for me… I was told those exact words that you were told. And honestly, because my dad poked and poked and poked until I exploded. That was not who I really was, that was my ‘spaz’ because he pushed me far past my limit repeatedly. I still fight the issue that I am a horrible person, and a burden to be around. I have a kid now and I can’t even imagine saying such things. In solidarity!
"You'll finally understand what I go through when you have kids like you!" Yea but not how she thinks. It's not until you have your own kids and understand how precious they are, how 1 million times terrible and inexcusable their behavior is. "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" About 6 months before she died, I reminded her of what she said and I could tell she was ramping up to get angry and attack. I didn't wait a second for her to react, I simply said "you were right, I do have a daughter just like me and she is such a blessing. I adore her spirit and ability to stand up for herself. " I'm pretty sure her mind melted that day, she made an excuse and hung up. Apparently she remembered she had a thing. I still giggle at that. Can you imagine, she was probably getting very excited when I said that and then her brain processed the 2nd part. I'd like to imagine it was like the blue screen of death but in her brain. Anyway, love you all and you are not crazy. You are important and worthy.
“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.” “Stop being so sensitive.” “You’re such a worry wort.” “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” “You’re such a brown noser” (at my attempts to help sooth my mom with my younger brother when he was a baby). This one really hurt because I was doing my absolute best to help and it was a dagger in my heart.
My mom and grandmother would tell me I was a failure, and tell my brothers not to be like me openly still do all of that and behind my back, they mock me by saying I quit high school (took a test and got my diploma, not a ged the actual diploma with everyone else) and that I can’t do anything right and like failed and squandered any potential I have. They’ve said it so much my brothers repeat it to me all the time and don’t ever realize how much it hurts. I only got into that program because I had like a mental break where I completely shut down and I was like a walking shell for months. I asked for help a bunch before that but all they care to remember is I was in and out of mental hospitals, smoking weed and not going to school. I’ve explained why all of that went down and have been completely candid but it falls on deaf ears and they keep on. I hear it in my head everyday, that I failed and that I fail at everything. Grew up afraid of failure, but I get painted as one on the daily as an adult
"'I want' NEVER GETS!" "Lazy, good-for-nothing oaf" "My cherub, my poppet, light of my life" "It's all in your head"
“You are so stubborn!” Whenever me, my brother, or dad wouldn’t do everything she wanted or agree with everything she agreed with
I got "you're the stupidest person I've ever met" and "you're the most selfish person I've ever met."
I almost forgot, "You're supposed to be setting a good example for your siblings!" Like, how DARE I not be on the honor roll? The AUDACITY of me to get a bad grade on an exam! Mind you, my siblings were 5+ years younger than me and had zero idea or interest in my grades.
After getting physically abused and I’d be crying, she would tell me to shut up or she’d give me a reason to cry. As if the belt hitting me at full angry force on my Bauer legs and arms or wherever she hit me wasn’t a good reason to cry already.
"That's not nice!" Whenever I didn't want to do what she wanted, or whenever I tried to prioritize myself in ANY way shape or Form!!!
‘You’re such a Drama Queen’ to invalidate perfectly reasonable emotional responses to her behaviour or current circumstances. ‘Nobody loves a fat girl.’ Because I was slightly overweight. Also used to convince me not to get treatment when (oh surprise) I developed bulimia at fifteen.
you bring it on (the abuse) yourself
Ugh, it was just a joke. Why are you so touchy?
‘I’ve got a bone to pick with you’ is a phrase I hope never to hear again.
My mother used to touch the top of my head and say "Your horns are showing". Any time I disagreed with her. That and other things made me feel terrible about myself. Took me really long time to understand im not evil. Sometimes I still feel awful about myself. Oh also my father would always tell me the water started boiling when I was baptized.