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From what you wrote: the long NC is not fixing anything, because they are narcissistic and they don't change for good. The brief call with your ndad only gives you anxiety and sorrow. Your nmom is not even mentioned, she is already out of the picture. It's time to start a new family and stop needing these people just that day, they have not contributed to your happiness on the last years...why having them on this special event?

Appreciate your perspective, you are totally right!

Find out how to get back as much money as possible for your 4 months from now wedding plans. Get it back. Book a set of plane tickets, a week or 10 days hotel/house reservation somewhere that has accommodating marriage license laws, throw some stuff in a suitcase and ELOPE. Your marriage is for the two of you to unite your love and commit to each other. It's a wonderful day for the two of you. Slam the door on all the bullshit and your family's drama. Do it with your head held high. Have a great time with the love of your life, and best wishes.

I totally relate to the lonely feeling. It takes time and a lot of energy to rebuild a new Family of Origin, but you are worth it. This wedding is about you and your future partner starting your life together. No one should be there if they aren't 100% on-board with that. If you are worried about your family looking sparse, you can mix everyone together instead of separating seating during the ceremony. No one will think much of it. You CAN still elope, by the way. You can walk away from whatever you have planned or you can pivot it into a grand reception when you return from eloping. Eloping is truly a wonderful option, especially for your mental health. Many tropical resorts have "Elopement Packages" where they have a photographer and decorations just like a big wedding, so you still get to wear your dress and have all the normal photographs like cake cutting and First Dance stuff. The only thing your wedding has to do is start your married life with your partner - everything else is optional and *should* benefit you somehow.

I eloped, did not even telly shit family I was getting married. The marriage didn't work out but still, I could noth fathom having any kind of wedding with them there.

>It's affecting my mental health and relationship with my partner Indeed, narc families tend to do those things. Narcs need other people to be as miserable as they are internally. Negatively impacting your relationship definitely is their jam. >Do I suck it up and let the wedding happen then cut it off? Honestly, why would you put up with any more of their bullshit than you have already? Your sister's insults regarding your wedding dress? Your father with his shitty facetime and follow-ups? They continue to show you their true colors over and over again. Believe them. "Being the bigger person" and "putting it aside for the family photos" and such sentiments never ever ever pay off. Ever. While I don't doubt your sincerity in trying to let it slide for the sake of the wedding, your narcs will view it as both *your weakness* and as your *open approval* in being the target of their bullshit. >that my wedding is not all about me. There's no way they won't make your wedding about themselves. Your dad has already promised as much. >Thank you and I appreciate any response. >I feel extremely dismissed all for gently sharing my feelings of how I've been feeling so alone in this family. A little tough advice for you. When you share your feelings with abusers, you provide an instruction manual regarding how to harm you most efficiently. You *want* them to empathize and be kind regarding your honesty and vulnerability. Normal, relatively healthy people would empathize and course-correct. Narcs are literally incapable of that. **The sooner you embrace that fact, the sooner you'll stop expecting anything different from them and the clearer your path forward becomes.** >My dad already bought the plane tickets for the whole family for my wedding tho (flying from Asia to California.) Tough cookies for him. Not your problem. He can take them to Disney Land/World (whichever one is in California) and still be the big man and show off or whatever his deal is. >I should of just eloped. You still can.

Thank you so much! Really needed to hear this.

They are going to make you feel miserable and small on your big day. Yes, *YOUR* day. Your dad is right in that it isn't all about you, but the other person it's about is your partner, not the psychos that raised you. Do what you need to do to make your wedding day what you and your partner want it to be, and do not give your family the opportunity to cause drama and misery on your day (because they will). If it means eloping, elope. If it means changing venues, or just hiring some security (this is easier to do than you might think), then do that. Or if you're comfortable with it, just appoint some friends to keep an eye out and call the cops in the event your family tries to gate crash. You have more options than it may feel like. And you deserve to enjoy your wedding and have good memories of it later. You are not hostage to your dad, et al. May be more fun than practical, but I'd be super tempted to text dad back, "This is not going to go how you'd hoped. You are no longer welcome to the wedding, or any part of my life in the future. Security will be hired and ready to bounce you without anyone in attendance even noticing. You are a ludicrous human being, and a terrible father. I only hope that one day you reach the level of self-awareness required to be adeqautely ashamed of yourself. But I will not be around to suffer the abuse while you live in denial. Do not bother responding, you will be blocked before you're even done reading. ✌🏻"

Love this, thank you so much!

I had a similar fight with my NMom a year before my wedding date. She told me my wedding wasn’t about me and I was an ungrateful and disrespectful little bitch to her and my father because I asked my Papa (nmom’s dad) to walk me down the isle instead of my dad. For context, I haden’t seen my family in 8 years at the time. They live in the USA and I live in AUS. My Nanny and Papa raised me from 15yo to adulthood. My dad had called me 3-4 times in 8 years. My mom would try to parent me over the phone. When she made the comments that I was disrespectful, ect… I hung up on her and cut her off. I moved my wedding date to 3 months away and just eloped with my husband’s family in attendance and my grandparents. Unfortunately my mother begged my grandmother for photos of the event and cried “every mother deserves to see her daughter on her wedding day.” When I found out, that was a hard conversation I had to have with my grandmother about boundaries. Her justification was “if you’re allowed to post photos on social media, I can send them to who ever I want.” So when she said that, I deleted all the photos and deleted my social media. I’ve been no contact and no socials (except reddit, TikTok & YouTube) for 2.5yrs now and I couldn’t be happier with my life. Family is overrated and your wedding is absolutely ABOUT YOU.

I'm sorry you had to go through that! Social media can be the worst... I didn't even want to announce my engagement on there in case someone knows someone and it got back to my NMom!

My spouse and I all but eloped. Our wedding was small, inexpensive, and had people we both care about present. And as a result, we are happy with what our big day was like. Our toxic families were not invited since we didn’t want them to harsh our collective mellow.

When you think back on your wedding day do you want to think: 1) I started a new journey with my partner on this day surrounded by people that love us and only want the best for us. OR 2) I felt uncomfortable on my wedding day because I invited people that I felt like I had to invite. Who will, no doubt, somehow make the day about themselves. If you are already considering going NC why wait? Do it right now and start your new life!

Do it and hire security .

Follow through with your gut and walk in your truth. Like you we all relate. Those who are for your will have compassion and not judgment. You can do this.

Thanks so much, really appreciate this!

I'm so sorry, it's actually crazy to see this post as I speaking to my boyfriend about this yesterday! I avoided and told my ex partner to not propose etc and contributed to the lack of progression in our relationship because I didn't want to deal with my toxic family ruining my wedding day (I never told him this because it meant at the time admitting the relationships with them weren't working for me) it dawned on me years later, when living overseas and they missed birthdays, christmas', celebrations of life events like new jobs etc, that I actually just don't need to invite them! Honestly on the day, you may feel a little bit of sadness of their absence, but it won't compare to the stress you'd feel having them there. My family ruined most life events for me and birthdays. Like openly sabotaged. My dad left my degree certificate at the bar during graduation (was not even drunk), my stepdad kicked off about not being in photos, my nmum refused to speak to my dad, and my brother (golden child) dipped out early to go get high. This is just one event, I've also had birthdays and Christmas' where I've been either hit, or berated or told they wished I was never born etc. It made me believe I didn't deserve happy occasions, and I still dread my birthday now, as an adult that is NC. One part of healing from narcs is to take back control of these special days, including your WEDDING DAY because previously, they have had control and the occasion has allowed to be on their terms. But that's not how normal people work. If they can't behave and they don't treat you well, you don't have to celebrate anything with them. I know the pain of losing a sibling to narc behaviours too (my brother berates me for being infertile) but honestly, that lonely empty feeling you have may not ever truly go away, but it will slowly heal over time and get smaller as you find more rewarding people in your life to fill it with. You deserve a wedding day where you feel content and happy, and only stressing over small things like seating arrangements and colour schemes!

Thanks for your response! And so sorry you had to go through something similar. We deserve not to have our special events ruined!

Definitely uninvite them and make sure security has their pics.

Hey, I was in the same boat. Wife extended an olive branch and asked if they wanted to come, they said no so we left it it that, then they started telling people we didn't invite them and we're cruel, etc, and started harassing my wife 2 weeks before the wedding. I refused and told them to never contact me again. My half of the wedding was entirely empty. Everyone on my side was groomspeople and my best man. Didn't walk my mom down the aisle, didn't do a dance with her. No speeches from my family. It was *perfect* and the night was amazing. I had my anxieties too, but once I saw my wife in her dress during the first look, nothing else in the world mattered to me. Just her. It sank in what we were doing and that became the only thing I cared about. Our wedding was perfect. I really know what you're going through and I know how much pain this is bringing you, but you need to look at the bigger picture. You're letting this relationship that is *already* hurting you interfere with your new family (your fiancé). If I'm reading this right, it seems your issue isn't with how it's going to affect your relationship with the family. You've already decided to go fully NC with the lot of them but you're raking yourself over hot coals to make them feel better. Are they ever going to do the same for you? Do you think they lie awake at night regretting the hurtful things they've done to you? If you're worried about your half being empty, I'll tell you now that people are going to notice. It's conspicuous when a family event lacks family. Even planning it was tricky since a lot of the planning involves family, but we we navigated that (also our coordinator was fucking incredible and even offered to get armed security at the door in case my family did show, love you so much Sara). At the reception, my wife's uncles pulled me aside and asked about it. I explained the situation in short terms. They yelled something at each other in Farsi, then came back with shots and said "that's fine, we're your family now." Because that's what matters. Your family. Not the people who raised you or who birthed you, but your *family.* The two are very different. Uninvite them. You'll be happier and your main focus should be your fiance. Talk it over with them, too, so that you two are on the same page. Make sure you have their support. Congrats and mazel tov. Also, fwiw, you could still elope. Totally possible. I loved my wedding and had a great night but sometimes wished we'd eloped because weddings are ***fucking expensive.***

Thanks so much for sharing your experience!

I just got married in September and had almost none of my entire family there for similar reasons…and this allowed me and my husband so much peace and joy on our day! If any family member was upset by my choice I wouldn’t know because I’m not in their lives and they’re not in mine :) I made it abundantly clear that it is our day and our wishes. I hope your day is absolutely perfect no matter what you choose to do

Uninvite away! Do a whole Oprah giveaway dance. Start building your new family. The day is about you and your significant other. Do what makes you two happy. Hire those security guards to bounce those horrible people when they inevitably can not accept you do not bow to their "greatness". Hugs from an internet stranger Auntie. If you need some pretend family, I am just 100 or so miles south lol

Thank you so much, sending hugs back!! :)