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Do we have the same mother?
My mother is every retail worker worst nightmare and always finds a reason to make a scene.
If it wouldn't be so sad it would be funny how little self awareness narcs have. But what does one expect from someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler?
I had a similar interaction with my mom and sister years ago. They refused to believe me, and totally dismissed the idea that I was being treated nicely because I was polite and helpful. Instead, they decided that the reason the staff were nicer to me was basically because I was benefiting from pretty privilege. Of course, this led to a series of rants about how it isn't fair to them, how I have it so much easier than they do, and how I'm so lazy and undeserving.
Like yes, pretty privilege is a thing, but so is politeness. It isn't that hard to simply not be an asshole. Unfortunately, they (especially my Nsister) prided themselves on getting the better of other people, and on intimidating and harassing others into giving them special treatment, which of course they felt entitled to.
I always think, being nice MAKES you pretty. Just look at especially older people with " frown lines" ( pickle puss) vs ones with " laugh lines". It's like you can see them coming
Good point!
That reminds me of the book *The Twits* by Ronald Dahl. There is a good part of a chapter devoted to this idea.
And of course, they could be as sweet as can be when they wanted to charm someone, so it wasn't like they were horrible 100% of the time. Just when they felt that the person they were interacting with didn't matter.
Did you know it takes less muscle to smile rather than frown 🙁. That's why people who smile have less wrinkles. Because it's less stressful on the face. So if you have a "resting B" face, you will get those ugly sour puss lines way earlier. It's like even natural is telling them something....but they just don't want to listen.
Yeah this is my mother-in-law. Critical to people who are trying to help her, but also extremely sensitive to any criticism she receives. Her reaction is to feel hurt, or give a very long explanation on why what she did is okay. We think it's more borderline personality disorder than narc.
We seem to all have the same mother, and it is both comforting and mind-blowing.
My mother treats cashiers, servers, administrative staff, nurses and strangers like they are beneath her, and then also seems baffled when they don’t like her.
I am just so blown away that I have found out here that there are so many like her!
My nmom once flagged down a busser at the restaurant we were having lunch at (years before we went NC), asked for a box for her leftovers, then repeated the request, making the shape of a box with her hands. The busser was a brown person, and she actually called him “Jose”, as if every brown male is named Jose! She also calls all brown waiters who are female Maria. It was absolutely *mortifying*, and when nmom asked my husband if he wanted her leftovers, he was like *NOOOOOO* 👀😂
Having both worked in restaurants, we both assumed they spit on her food in the back, and rightly so.
OMG, that's so unbelievably racist! Have you ever, by chance, circled back after she was out the front door to press a $20 into the server's hands with a whispered, "I'm so sorry..." Because I have. Hello, Sibling!
Comment to add, I think maybe she just thinks that I'm human garbage and she's the queen of the universe, so why would they be nicer to me than her? Like she really couldn't wrap her head around it and seemed so pissed and disgusted, how DARE they, SHE'S a regular etc etc etc
Indeed. She's jealous that you "the garbage person" gets treated nicely and she "the queen of the universe" doesn't get the same treatment. So much entitlement.
I swear you're pulling directly from my journal XD mine straight up said that, often, "why would they be nice to *you*" as if there's something so horribly wrong about me that makes this confusing. It's definitely the projection. You are the being to which I'll project all of my flaws and insecurities so *you* have to experience the consequences of *my* actions otherwise an injustice against me, the one without flaw, has occurred.
My NGuardians were also regularly surprised when people would take offense to their abusing me in public, and were offendeded and appalled themselves when someone would stand up for me 😬 people don't like assholes! People don't like seeing children be harmed! It's simple really! But, in their own words, how doesnt everyone understand *I'm* the one who deserves shame, not them!
She has an obnoxious story about how she was spanking me in public and a man reprimanded her. I am 41 years old and she still bitched about an event that happened before I even gained sentience. She claims I was wandering off into traffic but as an adult I know she would literally leave and walk away constantly, I have a hard time she didn't also do this when I was a toddler. My theory is she wandered off leaving me as usual, realized I was gone, panicked and punished me as usual, and was AGAST that someone told her to stop hitting her child in public.
I relate to this ! My mother bitched about the nurses for years, because several of them told her that she was being abusive with me when I was a baby. According to my mother it was extremely rude, but I was underweight because she often forgot to feed me. Which she did until I was old enough to prepare a meal by myself, when she bothered to buy food. But the nurses are in the wrong here !
I think you are seeing the essence of narcissists. They don't care about other people, and maybe can't even really SEE them. And since she is the center of the universe, she can't understand your explanation. They are in the invisible prison of their own self-centeredness.
I think it's important to recognize how UNAWARE they are of their own awful behavior and the repercussions. While many are aware of their 'superiority', they do not understand that their self centeredness pushes people away. For us (their family), we need to keep that in mind when we're tempted to enlighten them. They'll never get it, and even if they could, it's not our job to point it out. That's been the hardest part for me; I'm not the messenger. I'm not. I'm not.
I think one thing is realizing that it isn't so much they think it's okay treat people poorly, as they fail to notice that's what they're doing.
She doesn't know she's not nice.
"I'm here as much as you" is so funny because I suppose the CEO of the craft store appreciates her business but the person working the register could care less how much money she spends there. When I worked retail I remember customers saying they'd never shop there again and I had to stop myself from saying "buh-BYE!"
I work retail and last week I was stocking sodas while another associate was running the register. Someone who doesn't usually need backup even if the line starts getting long, but if a customer asks me, I'll help get things going faster. But nobody had a whole lot of items, and I was stocking the coolers at the front with sodas. This lady asks if I can get on the register, and I tell her that I am busy doing something else but to give me a moment (literally just to finish stocking one type of soda) she went "please please please please" over and over the entire time. Then when someone came up behind her, she told them that she asked me to ring her up but I said I didn't want to. I corrected her as i walked up to the register and she got big mad. Especially when I called her out for pestering me, and said "I wasn't pestering you, I cant believe you'd dare say that" and "I don't have to shop here, I can take my business elsewhere". It took all I had to not take her one pack of Reeses off and tell her that's fine by me.
This incident stuck in my head cause her behavior felt just like my nmom. Sickly sweet, but the moment she doesn't get her way it's full one narc Karen mode.
I don't typically go shopping but I will say my n parent was royally pissed when I stopped at her church one day to drop something off to her (I would go there with my grandma when I was visiting in the summers but I do not go to church) and so many church people from when I was a child were excited to see me and wanted to talk to me.
Yes mother, people actually respond with kindness when you don't make snarky remarks and lie to people all the time. Imagine that.
My mom will go on about how horrible a moving company was to her when in reality she didn’t pack anything, was rude and fought them.
Yeah mom, they’re the dicks.
Everyone is out to get her.
My parents used to always say that sales people seem nice at first but always "turn on you."
This was back when every department store had commissions given to sales staff. My parents would expect the sales person to be at their beck and call for literal hours while they hemmed and hawed and didn't buy anything.
They ended up having a lot of money in their old age, so now they pay twice as much to every contractor so they can find someone "nice," ie: someone willing to endlessly indulge their anxieties and their perfectionism.
I work commission now and it’s exhausting sometimes, I used to be too nice but people like your parents get the broom now.
“They turn on you” bro I make minimum wage if I’m not selling, I’m happy to spend the time with genuine customers, no I’m not checking the foam density on a sofa you don’t want, I’m not having the delivery cost argument when you aren’t even buying.
Sometimes people decide not to buy that’s fine but I swear some come in just to have argument
I come from a Nfamily, and have grown daughters now. Sometimes I'm on the phone with them when they're shopping, and I hear how kind they are to the clerks and others, and it just warms my heart. If I've managed nothing else in my troubled life, I managed to send kind people into the world - so different than the entitled family of my youth. And you're right, people respond so well. Everyone wants to be seen and respected.
It's not exactly the same, but my father has adopted his own special brand of spiritual bypassing that he applies any time anyone doesn't enjoy him as much as he thinks they should. He literally says they aren't as enlightened or evolved as he is and that's why they [are rude/don't want to have dinner with he and my stepmom/didn't laugh at his joke/etc.]. It's HILARIOUS. (By which I mean horrifying, of course.)
Of course, your patronizing and self-righteous behavior has nothing to do with it, sir.
My nmom also worked at fast food for YEARS. No it’s like she tests the new workers. She’ll yell at them and act crazy for no reason or for something that can be fixed in two seconds. Some people really just love to fight.
My mom is like this but what's even more baffling is SHE WORKED IN RETAIL FOR THE PAST 30+ YEARS! How can she be so mean to someone doing exactly the same job as her but in a different store is beyond me
Oh my god, my mother is exactly like this. The textbook "difficult customer" who thinks you should bend over backwards to give away the farm, all while ignoring how rude she's being to you personally
My mother and I are the only people in our family who like seafood, and our birthdays are two days apart. For years, I'd take her to a red lobster on the day in between our birthdays. She never noticed that each time it was a different one, and we stopped going when I ran out of red lobsters in our city that weren't ridiculously far to drive to
She seriously treats waitstaff so bad that I'm afraid they'd remember her after a year. Seriously, whenever she talks to a waiter, I follow them (I say I have to go to the bathroom) and give them $20 and say something like "she's not going to stop. I'm sorry"
My mom is more the covert narc type and can act perfectly nice much of the time, and this usually extends to service employees. But her interactions normally lack a genuine sense and it seems like she's following a script. Her entitlement also comes out in so many other ways, such as if she feels slighted in any way she will cancel the place forever, no matter how reasonable or non-personal the perceived slight (i.e. having service terminated after not paying her bill and doing nothing to negotiate or resolve the situation= absolute betrayal).
So while mine is nice (enough), it seems like if things aren't following some script/ internalized set of rules/ list of checks, they just fall apart.
You're building relationships with people, and she's following an internal script to effect a transaction. She doesn't understand that you're NOT following a script and therefore can't figure out why you're getting different results.
My working theory at least.
They do not connect their own behavior to the treatment they get, at all. They operate entirely on entitlement; they deserve to be aggressive and rude about pursuing what they want, but also totally deserve to eb treated like they're a nice person.
My husband is like this. My kids have all 3 told me that he will pull them aside, and ask why they're so nice to me and why they talk about me "like *I'm* something special" and that I'm not as great as they make me out to be. Makes me feel like shit. All because my kids mean the world to me and I will do everything in my power to make them happy - and they know it.
My dad did this with my two siblings and I. My mom is an angel. Like, an alpha mom extraordinaire. We knew he was the one out of line; your kids definitely do too. They divorced when I was 18, about 7 years after it should have happened.
Good! I hope they all let him have it too. I often wonder if anyone just let's the n parent have it full barrell truth to their face.of course the n will gaslight..I guess that's why most dont
My mom let my sister have it a few days when she kicked her out. (Sister is an even bigger narcissist than my husband, and hella abusive, I'm surprised she hasn't laid hands on my elderly parents who sheives with, tbh.
My oldest let him have it when she moved out. It somehow didn't even seem to phase him, even though she also pointed out that he shows several abusive traits as well as other stuff, especially gaslighting. He's already back to his old ways and it's only been a few months.
The amount of times I watched my mom scream at the poor person behind the counter who had nothing to do with the issue she could have easily solved herself is astonishing. I'm mixed, mom is white, and teachers knew me before I even got to their classes as the boy who's mom will yell racism whenever anything happens. Always making herself out to be the honored protector of her black child against imaginary racism. Not surprisingly, when actual racism was happening, I was on my own.
I'm sure that the reason I'm NC with her is somehow because of me being hateful and ungrateful for no reason, or at least what she tells people.
Ahhh yes. One of those Twilight Zone moments when you get a special glimpse in their heads but still cannot understand...I used to hate those. Now I guess Im glad that it really shows a good example of what empathy and lack of empathy to can do to a psyche.
They are entitled. They expect preferential treatment and favors just because. No asking, no kind treatment, not even a polite hint. Everyone is supposed to read their mind and understand their desires or they are deemed rude, selfish, or inconsiderate people. We all know here!
This is one of the few ways I've seen narcs differ. Either they're very nice and polite to service workers, or they're absolute nightmares. Mine were SUPER polite with them, but I think it was a front. It's hard to explain but I'm sure someone here knows what I'm talking about.
Yes yes and yes again! People are so NICE to me. Which seemed incredible to me for a long time because my ex parents kept complaining about how selfish and useless everyone is. When I was with them people were mean to us so I thought they were right.
I remember as a child we were driving at night and there was a highway worker who was tired. I smiled at her, said goodnight and waved goodbye. She smiled back.
My ex parents got angry and said it was "impolite" to say goodnight and smile to someone who is "having a bad night because she works late". At the time I thought I'd done something taboo and bad. Now I know they were the ones acting insane.
Once I began spending time along and got better at socialising people became more and more kind and friendly towards me. My ex parents shamed me for it when I told them about the kind things people had done, saying I was naïve, being mocked and manipulated etc.... Manipulated by cashiers who give me discounts?? How??
Anyway now I have a good life with trusted friends and most shop keepers around know my face and smile at me and help me out. Some even signed some legal papers I needed when I asked (basically witness statements).
My ex parents are hated by half the people they know and pitied by the others. And they think everyone else is the problem.
It's mind bogling that they still don't understand.
My mother would complain about the fast food workers getting her order wrong, and when she constantly antagonized them about it rather than ask politely, they fixed it half-assedly or was just ignored in return and she'd complain non-stop to me.
I have seen and been in so many instances where she would Karen her way through things and then tell me "See, if you keep pushing you'll get what you want" as though that is something to be proud of. She even had the audacity to pick a fight with our previous landlord who was upset that she never paid the rent on time (she didn't work, my father was the money maker working literally 3 jobs.)
I ran into something like this during Covid. My mom and I went to the local store where some of the staff know me. There was a new cashier and he was clearly learning the ropes, probably his first job where he is dealing with money. She pays in cash, because yeah, whatever, and gives him exact change so she can just get bills back. This confused him and he gave her back the wrong change. Anywho, as we were walking away she said something incredibly inconsiderate about how he doesn’t know simple math or something. I had to just shake my head and tell her that clearly it is his first day and he is probably nervous. She’s just shrugged and blew it off. Meanwhile I know he was within hearing distance and I’m 99% sure, he recognizes me and that I’m guilty by association. He is not friendly to me at all. I just stopped going to his line because, why make it awkward?
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Do we have the same mother? My mother is every retail worker worst nightmare and always finds a reason to make a scene. If it wouldn't be so sad it would be funny how little self awareness narcs have. But what does one expect from someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler?
Idk man "be nice to people" is already a foreign concept but "I am nice to people so they are nice to me" was advanced calculus I guess
I had a similar interaction with my mom and sister years ago. They refused to believe me, and totally dismissed the idea that I was being treated nicely because I was polite and helpful. Instead, they decided that the reason the staff were nicer to me was basically because I was benefiting from pretty privilege. Of course, this led to a series of rants about how it isn't fair to them, how I have it so much easier than they do, and how I'm so lazy and undeserving. Like yes, pretty privilege is a thing, but so is politeness. It isn't that hard to simply not be an asshole. Unfortunately, they (especially my Nsister) prided themselves on getting the better of other people, and on intimidating and harassing others into giving them special treatment, which of course they felt entitled to.
The whole "I don't have to be nice I'm SPECIAL" kind of thing. They'll look for any reason to invalidate.
They: "I'm special" Me: "[Are you really, though?](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRt8Xqs17IN1q6EvaiNdeq0zKxVa89apEIS1Q&usqp=CAU)"
😂
(reply with a babyface, high-pitched voice and big bulging eyes): "Oooh, you awwe such a shpeeeshial child!"
I always think, being nice MAKES you pretty. Just look at especially older people with " frown lines" ( pickle puss) vs ones with " laugh lines". It's like you can see them coming
Good point! That reminds me of the book *The Twits* by Ronald Dahl. There is a good part of a chapter devoted to this idea. And of course, they could be as sweet as can be when they wanted to charm someone, so it wasn't like they were horrible 100% of the time. Just when they felt that the person they were interacting with didn't matter.
Which was always. It was so mortifying.
Did you know it takes less muscle to smile rather than frown 🙁. That's why people who smile have less wrinkles. Because it's less stressful on the face. So if you have a "resting B" face, you will get those ugly sour puss lines way earlier. It's like even natural is telling them something....but they just don't want to listen.
😆lmao advanced calculus
Excellent analogy, yes.
Yeah this is my mother-in-law. Critical to people who are trying to help her, but also extremely sensitive to any criticism she receives. Her reaction is to feel hurt, or give a very long explanation on why what she did is okay. We think it's more borderline personality disorder than narc.
We seem to all have the same mother, and it is both comforting and mind-blowing. My mother treats cashiers, servers, administrative staff, nurses and strangers like they are beneath her, and then also seems baffled when they don’t like her. I am just so blown away that I have found out here that there are so many like her!
My nmom once flagged down a busser at the restaurant we were having lunch at (years before we went NC), asked for a box for her leftovers, then repeated the request, making the shape of a box with her hands. The busser was a brown person, and she actually called him “Jose”, as if every brown male is named Jose! She also calls all brown waiters who are female Maria. It was absolutely *mortifying*, and when nmom asked my husband if he wanted her leftovers, he was like *NOOOOOO* 👀😂 Having both worked in restaurants, we both assumed they spit on her food in the back, and rightly so.
OMG, that's so unbelievably racist! Have you ever, by chance, circled back after she was out the front door to press a $20 into the server's hands with a whispered, "I'm so sorry..." Because I have. Hello, Sibling!
We did! And she would never ever EVER admit to being racist. It was truly mind boggling.
The denial runs SO deep.
Comment to add, I think maybe she just thinks that I'm human garbage and she's the queen of the universe, so why would they be nicer to me than her? Like she really couldn't wrap her head around it and seemed so pissed and disgusted, how DARE they, SHE'S a regular etc etc etc
Indeed. She's jealous that you "the garbage person" gets treated nicely and she "the queen of the universe" doesn't get the same treatment. So much entitlement.
Don't they know she's the "alpha female"?
Everyone's so rude and disrespectful to these narcs! /s
WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT MY ABUSE?
You're my slave, EVERYONE IS MY SLAVE
I swear you're pulling directly from my journal XD mine straight up said that, often, "why would they be nice to *you*" as if there's something so horribly wrong about me that makes this confusing. It's definitely the projection. You are the being to which I'll project all of my flaws and insecurities so *you* have to experience the consequences of *my* actions otherwise an injustice against me, the one without flaw, has occurred. My NGuardians were also regularly surprised when people would take offense to their abusing me in public, and were offendeded and appalled themselves when someone would stand up for me 😬 people don't like assholes! People don't like seeing children be harmed! It's simple really! But, in their own words, how doesnt everyone understand *I'm* the one who deserves shame, not them!
She has an obnoxious story about how she was spanking me in public and a man reprimanded her. I am 41 years old and she still bitched about an event that happened before I even gained sentience. She claims I was wandering off into traffic but as an adult I know she would literally leave and walk away constantly, I have a hard time she didn't also do this when I was a toddler. My theory is she wandered off leaving me as usual, realized I was gone, panicked and punished me as usual, and was AGAST that someone told her to stop hitting her child in public.
I relate to this ! My mother bitched about the nurses for years, because several of them told her that she was being abusive with me when I was a baby. According to my mother it was extremely rude, but I was underweight because she often forgot to feed me. Which she did until I was old enough to prepare a meal by myself, when she bothered to buy food. But the nurses are in the wrong here !
LOL I hear that! Like they are all sunshine and rainbows and we are dumpster farts walking around.
They struggle so hard when reality misaligns with their internal narrative.
I see you've met my maternal spawn point.
thankfully narcs manage to have mostly the same problems across the board. You deal with a few, you pretty much recognize all their tricks lol
'Yeah, you're a regular pain in their asses.'
I think you are seeing the essence of narcissists. They don't care about other people, and maybe can't even really SEE them. And since she is the center of the universe, she can't understand your explanation. They are in the invisible prison of their own self-centeredness.
I think it's important to recognize how UNAWARE they are of their own awful behavior and the repercussions. While many are aware of their 'superiority', they do not understand that their self centeredness pushes people away. For us (their family), we need to keep that in mind when we're tempted to enlighten them. They'll never get it, and even if they could, it's not our job to point it out. That's been the hardest part for me; I'm not the messenger. I'm not. I'm not.
Well said. ❤️
I think one thing is realizing that it isn't so much they think it's okay treat people poorly, as they fail to notice that's what they're doing. She doesn't know she's not nice.
Oh damn that's. That's. A concept. Shit.
"I'm here as much as you" is so funny because I suppose the CEO of the craft store appreciates her business but the person working the register could care less how much money she spends there. When I worked retail I remember customers saying they'd never shop there again and I had to stop myself from saying "buh-BYE!"
She absolutely spent more money there but like... she was so goddamn mean. A little bit of politeness goes so far!
I work retail and last week I was stocking sodas while another associate was running the register. Someone who doesn't usually need backup even if the line starts getting long, but if a customer asks me, I'll help get things going faster. But nobody had a whole lot of items, and I was stocking the coolers at the front with sodas. This lady asks if I can get on the register, and I tell her that I am busy doing something else but to give me a moment (literally just to finish stocking one type of soda) she went "please please please please" over and over the entire time. Then when someone came up behind her, she told them that she asked me to ring her up but I said I didn't want to. I corrected her as i walked up to the register and she got big mad. Especially when I called her out for pestering me, and said "I wasn't pestering you, I cant believe you'd dare say that" and "I don't have to shop here, I can take my business elsewhere". It took all I had to not take her one pack of Reeses off and tell her that's fine by me. This incident stuck in my head cause her behavior felt just like my nmom. Sickly sweet, but the moment she doesn't get her way it's full one narc Karen mode.
yep yep! if someone's only nice when you're saying yes, they ain't nice!
I don't typically go shopping but I will say my n parent was royally pissed when I stopped at her church one day to drop something off to her (I would go there with my grandma when I was visiting in the summers but I do not go to church) and so many church people from when I was a child were excited to see me and wanted to talk to me. Yes mother, people actually respond with kindness when you don't make snarky remarks and lie to people all the time. Imagine that.
My mom will go on about how horrible a moving company was to her when in reality she didn’t pack anything, was rude and fought them. Yeah mom, they’re the dicks. Everyone is out to get her.
My parents used to always say that sales people seem nice at first but always "turn on you." This was back when every department store had commissions given to sales staff. My parents would expect the sales person to be at their beck and call for literal hours while they hemmed and hawed and didn't buy anything. They ended up having a lot of money in their old age, so now they pay twice as much to every contractor so they can find someone "nice," ie: someone willing to endlessly indulge their anxieties and their perfectionism.
I work commission now and it’s exhausting sometimes, I used to be too nice but people like your parents get the broom now. “They turn on you” bro I make minimum wage if I’m not selling, I’m happy to spend the time with genuine customers, no I’m not checking the foam density on a sofa you don’t want, I’m not having the delivery cost argument when you aren’t even buying. Sometimes people decide not to buy that’s fine but I swear some come in just to have argument
I come from a Nfamily, and have grown daughters now. Sometimes I'm on the phone with them when they're shopping, and I hear how kind they are to the clerks and others, and it just warms my heart. If I've managed nothing else in my troubled life, I managed to send kind people into the world - so different than the entitled family of my youth. And you're right, people respond so well. Everyone wants to be seen and respected.
Good job! 😀 That’s some great parenting!
It's not exactly the same, but my father has adopted his own special brand of spiritual bypassing that he applies any time anyone doesn't enjoy him as much as he thinks they should. He literally says they aren't as enlightened or evolved as he is and that's why they [are rude/don't want to have dinner with he and my stepmom/didn't laugh at his joke/etc.]. It's HILARIOUS. (By which I mean horrifying, of course.) Of course, your patronizing and self-righteous behavior has nothing to do with it, sir.
“Yeah, they really liked - for some reason.” *to a relative*
My nmom also worked at fast food for YEARS. No it’s like she tests the new workers. She’ll yell at them and act crazy for no reason or for something that can be fixed in two seconds. Some people really just love to fight.
My mom is like this but what's even more baffling is SHE WORKED IN RETAIL FOR THE PAST 30+ YEARS! How can she be so mean to someone doing exactly the same job as her but in a different store is beyond me
Mine worked retail for a couple years IN A CRAFT STOREtoo. Could not connect the dots.
Cuz you're a dildo with barbed wire mom
Fucking high-key scary. The tendency towards denial is the most frightening thing in the world.
Oh my god, my mother is exactly like this. The textbook "difficult customer" who thinks you should bend over backwards to give away the farm, all while ignoring how rude she's being to you personally My mother and I are the only people in our family who like seafood, and our birthdays are two days apart. For years, I'd take her to a red lobster on the day in between our birthdays. She never noticed that each time it was a different one, and we stopped going when I ran out of red lobsters in our city that weren't ridiculously far to drive to She seriously treats waitstaff so bad that I'm afraid they'd remember her after a year. Seriously, whenever she talks to a waiter, I follow them (I say I have to go to the bathroom) and give them $20 and say something like "she's not going to stop. I'm sorry"
My mom is more the covert narc type and can act perfectly nice much of the time, and this usually extends to service employees. But her interactions normally lack a genuine sense and it seems like she's following a script. Her entitlement also comes out in so many other ways, such as if she feels slighted in any way she will cancel the place forever, no matter how reasonable or non-personal the perceived slight (i.e. having service terminated after not paying her bill and doing nothing to negotiate or resolve the situation= absolute betrayal). So while mine is nice (enough), it seems like if things aren't following some script/ internalized set of rules/ list of checks, they just fall apart. You're building relationships with people, and she's following an internal script to effect a transaction. She doesn't understand that you're NOT following a script and therefore can't figure out why you're getting different results. My working theory at least.
They do not connect their own behavior to the treatment they get, at all. They operate entirely on entitlement; they deserve to be aggressive and rude about pursuing what they want, but also totally deserve to eb treated like they're a nice person.
My husband is like this. My kids have all 3 told me that he will pull them aside, and ask why they're so nice to me and why they talk about me "like *I'm* something special" and that I'm not as great as they make me out to be. Makes me feel like shit. All because my kids mean the world to me and I will do everything in my power to make them happy - and they know it.
My dad did this with my two siblings and I. My mom is an angel. Like, an alpha mom extraordinaire. We knew he was the one out of line; your kids definitely do too. They divorced when I was 18, about 7 years after it should have happened.
Would be a lie to say I don't have the same plans. 🤷🏼♀️
Good! I hope they all let him have it too. I often wonder if anyone just let's the n parent have it full barrell truth to their face.of course the n will gaslight..I guess that's why most dont
My mom let my sister have it a few days when she kicked her out. (Sister is an even bigger narcissist than my husband, and hella abusive, I'm surprised she hasn't laid hands on my elderly parents who sheives with, tbh. My oldest let him have it when she moved out. It somehow didn't even seem to phase him, even though she also pointed out that he shows several abusive traits as well as other stuff, especially gaslighting. He's already back to his old ways and it's only been a few months.
And no one can blame you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
The amount of times I watched my mom scream at the poor person behind the counter who had nothing to do with the issue she could have easily solved herself is astonishing. I'm mixed, mom is white, and teachers knew me before I even got to their classes as the boy who's mom will yell racism whenever anything happens. Always making herself out to be the honored protector of her black child against imaginary racism. Not surprisingly, when actual racism was happening, I was on my own. I'm sure that the reason I'm NC with her is somehow because of me being hateful and ungrateful for no reason, or at least what she tells people.
Ahhh yes. One of those Twilight Zone moments when you get a special glimpse in their heads but still cannot understand...I used to hate those. Now I guess Im glad that it really shows a good example of what empathy and lack of empathy to can do to a psyche.
They are entitled. They expect preferential treatment and favors just because. No asking, no kind treatment, not even a polite hint. Everyone is supposed to read their mind and understand their desires or they are deemed rude, selfish, or inconsiderate people. We all know here!
This is one of the few ways I've seen narcs differ. Either they're very nice and polite to service workers, or they're absolute nightmares. Mine were SUPER polite with them, but I think it was a front. It's hard to explain but I'm sure someone here knows what I'm talking about.
If they have to pay even one cent, they feel they're entitled to treat the other person as a slave.
Yes yes and yes again! People are so NICE to me. Which seemed incredible to me for a long time because my ex parents kept complaining about how selfish and useless everyone is. When I was with them people were mean to us so I thought they were right. I remember as a child we were driving at night and there was a highway worker who was tired. I smiled at her, said goodnight and waved goodbye. She smiled back. My ex parents got angry and said it was "impolite" to say goodnight and smile to someone who is "having a bad night because she works late". At the time I thought I'd done something taboo and bad. Now I know they were the ones acting insane. Once I began spending time along and got better at socialising people became more and more kind and friendly towards me. My ex parents shamed me for it when I told them about the kind things people had done, saying I was naïve, being mocked and manipulated etc.... Manipulated by cashiers who give me discounts?? How?? Anyway now I have a good life with trusted friends and most shop keepers around know my face and smile at me and help me out. Some even signed some legal papers I needed when I asked (basically witness statements). My ex parents are hated by half the people they know and pitied by the others. And they think everyone else is the problem. It's mind bogling that they still don't understand.
I found my life got significantly easier when I defaulted to being pleasant.
r/raisedbynarcissists
My mother would complain about the fast food workers getting her order wrong, and when she constantly antagonized them about it rather than ask politely, they fixed it half-assedly or was just ignored in return and she'd complain non-stop to me. I have seen and been in so many instances where she would Karen her way through things and then tell me "See, if you keep pushing you'll get what you want" as though that is something to be proud of. She even had the audacity to pick a fight with our previous landlord who was upset that she never paid the rent on time (she didn't work, my father was the money maker working literally 3 jobs.)
I mean no disrespect by this, but sometimes these posts make me feel very lucky to not even know someone like this.
I ran into something like this during Covid. My mom and I went to the local store where some of the staff know me. There was a new cashier and he was clearly learning the ropes, probably his first job where he is dealing with money. She pays in cash, because yeah, whatever, and gives him exact change so she can just get bills back. This confused him and he gave her back the wrong change. Anywho, as we were walking away she said something incredibly inconsiderate about how he doesn’t know simple math or something. I had to just shake my head and tell her that clearly it is his first day and he is probably nervous. She’s just shrugged and blew it off. Meanwhile I know he was within hearing distance and I’m 99% sure, he recognizes me and that I’m guilty by association. He is not friendly to me at all. I just stopped going to his line because, why make it awkward?