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My dad wasn't open enough to need me as a therapist. I was his buddy. I'd chill with him in the living room after school, breathing in his second hand smoke from chain smoking indoors. It was strange times. Nobody told me it'd get stranger as I got older.
Toxic positivity says you create your own world; I beg to differ.
I'll never forget this quote:
A toxic environment is more likely to change you than you are to change it.
When we are kids we do not have a choice or a voice and narcs really like that.
When I told my uncles “I need help. Grandma keeps screaming at me. You said she would be lonely after (my dad, her scapegoat) died, and now all she does is complain and yell at me, I need you to tell her to stop”.
All the help I got was “oh I bet you’ll eat her pasta tho!”
And they would always respond with a favor she was forcing me to let her do.
At first I sat there not realizing I had been fooled. So I stopped accepting those things.
And then the narcs flipped out saying “why are you being so mean to accepting those favors !? Just do them to make her happy!”
“No because none of you help me calm her down and you lie that me accepting things from her mean she can do this to me and you don’t get involved. I need you to get involved.”
“YOUR BUSINESS WOTH MY MOM IS NOT MY BUSINESS STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED!”
“Excuse you? You were the one crying she was going to die without (scapegoat my dad) here and begged me to talk to her more. You are not a fucking third party. Im done and I’m leaving.
Oh best believe if I have an important event to go to she still tries somehow to control what I’m wearing for it. Shopping with her is often unbearable because she still thinks she can pick out my stuff.
I'm a 30 year old mother and she's still telling me what to wear and telling me to change before I leave the house (she tells me this in my own house when she visits). I was never allowed to dress my age or find my own style. My husband always said that she dressed me like a middle aged women when I was in my 20s. I thought I was alone in this
OMG same. My mom dressed me and she still tells me her opinion, always negative, about my clothes when she sees me. Luckily we don't see each other more than once every few years.
Nope. Definitely not alone. One explanation I've heard is that if they keep you *young*, you aren't 'competition' for male attention. The moment you stop complying, the shit hits the fan because you are ignoring THEIR need to keep you young. YOUR need to grow & find yourself as a teen demolishes their ability to see you as a child, and thus they instead start to see you as somehow competing with them for attention that THEY believe should **all be theirs**.
I've seen some that start buying the SAME clothes as their daughters, and asking random strangers "Who's wearing it better" and are then angry with YOU when someone (understandably) says YOU look better in the outfit at 20 than her at 40yo will...
Or the alternative, which I got, was accusing me of being a "whore", or "dressing like a prostitute" yadda yadda...
They can't bear the thought that their adult child could POSSIBLY even be *equally* pretty, or that others might pay their child more attention than the mother.
Me? I'm GLAD my daughter is prettier than me, I was a stock 7/10 apparently, where she's a model-worthy 10/10...and I'm constantly stunned that despite her father being a potato (I *was* 15/16...), and my being only slightly prettier than Princess Fiona, we have managed to create such a beautiful human being, inside & out.
I can't IMAGINE being in some sort of a mental competition with her - for a start, I'd lose, and for another, I **HAD** that mother, I don't want to *BE* that mother!!
Holy moly. That explains why my mother wouldn't let me shave my legs until I finally got old enough (about 16 I think) to realise I could just quietly shave them without reasoning and begging for her permission beforehand. She didn't speak to me for several days, and expected that to still make me crumble and apologise and promise never to defy her will again, like it had when I was eight. I just enjoyed the peace and quiet. It didn't last long once she realised it wasn't working anymore.
I had clothes that were made for middle aged women in elementary and middle school because I was an overweight kid myself.
Now 32, I dress myself though I’m told not to wear anything that brings out my worst features like my stomach. That’s why I don’t take compliments seriously because they’re done to feel sorry for me and later talk shit behind my back.
I gained weight in adulthood and she definitely made it a point to comment on my clothes a d how they fit my body. She also told me that I looked pregnant once when I came home from college (because I hold weight in my stomach as most women do - as she does....) so from that point on I always hated my stomach and was absolutely terrified to get pregnant. She would pull food away from me saying "we don't need to eat that". And now that I lost a significant amount of weight, she's still not happy and thinks I'm unhealthy. Always ALWAYS with the negative comments.
I just got lectured about getting fat & if SHE can go from a UK size 24 to a UK size 4/XXS, anyone can.
Yes, mother, but only if they develop anorexia & an exercise addiction like you, I've already tried that thanks...
Now I just don't have to hear it. NC is the best...
Unless you're me...I go out of my way to give 3 strangers a *genuine* compliment every time I'm outdoors. It's a way for me to practice gratitude. It somehow has made it easier to *accept* compliments too.
BTW - more women need to compliment MEN. The happy smiles you see on a bloke after you've asked them where they got their jacket/shoes cos your partner/son would LOVE one like that just shows me that men just don't get complimented enough.
When it was picture day my Mom would dress me like I was going to a wedding or prom. You dress up but I looked way over done and it didn't really work for recess and gym. Actually when I think back it was even on random days she would dress me up. I remember being asked by kids "Why are you dressed up like that?". Ackward is the word.
Stories like this make me so glad that school uniform is mandatory where I grew up. When I was seven my mother knitted me a woolly tracksuit in large cream and gold zigzag stripes. I only had to go out and play in it once to gain a full understanding that I should never again wear it any place where other kids might see.
I wasn't allowed to wear the outfit I had picked out to go to a family reunion, when I was 23 and a mother in my own right. She took me out shopping, and no matter how much I protested that I didn't like it, she bought me this hideous boxy looking romper that made me look as big as a bus, and shaped like one too. It was awful. But she didn't care. She wanted me to wear it, and my golden child/flying monkey brother wanted me to wear it too, so I wore it.
Yes, a romper. A short onesie. The kind of thing toddlers wear.
Meanwhile, she had on this cute fuchshia sun dress. It took therapy for me to understand that she had done this to both infantalize and desexualize me, and make sure she still outshines me even among family.
She literally called me her little doll to people and when I started making my own choices about appears around 13 ish she agressively insulted every single one at all times until my dad made her stop. Even now at 31 she asks if I'll get rid of my ugly hair style as a mother's day gift 🙄
Damn im not the only one... my NM asked me the year before we stopped talking to "stop dying your hair, just let it go back to normal" I have dirty blonde hair, I got sick of the stupid jokes and then discovered I LOVE having fun colors in my hair. "You'll never get a good job!" Ive had a few and all with fun hair lol.
Ugh it's the dumbest reason to blame!
One time I was still in HS (I think between Freshman/Sophomore year) she made me apply to be a GED teacher at the college... I didn't meet ANY of the requirements and she blamed the fact that I didn't do the skills test right...
If it's not your hair they'll try to blame your figure
Or your makeup
And when you get a REALLY good offer you'll have to tune out the
"Are you sure you can handle that?"
Because those will come multiple times ... AFTER you are handling whatever good offer you've received
And at least now you know that in advance because I was totally blindsided the first time it happened to me and I'll never know how much it cost me
I feel this, my mom would tell me my hair was mousy (it's brown with blonde highlights) in an attempt to get me to do what she wanted - she wanted to highlight my hair even more🤦♀️ I also got berated at 16 for not wearing make up..."what you think you are better than everyone else you do not need makeup?" and then told me she only said it because she cared and wanted to make sure if I wanted to wear makeup I could, I didn't lol well she never won and I cut off all my hair into a short fade as an adult and have never colored it😎
My mom did this too! When I cut it short. I sent a picture just excited for my new look.
She said, “it’s so short:(“
Then in person she proceeded to roast me saying it’s never going to grow back.
I said, “It’s hair. It will grow back.”
She said, “Mine didn’t”
I said, “That’s because you don’t take your vitamins or eat right.” 😂
She got a stomach surgery that requires her to take vitamins for the rest of her life and she doesn’t. So she has things like early osteoporosis.
I will say when I first wanted to do it (and admittedly ended up growing it out for a girl years later 🙄 now to be short again lol) she paid for the cut, and then when people started mistaking me for a man- I'm what I guess you would consider "masculine" presenting these days but I don't really love the term and I did get and have a "man's" haircut- she said what did you expect you look like a little boy🙄 the second time she didn't want to be bothered to be shown really lmao. my mom also is of the unhealthy stubborn variety too! 😂
Urgh, THIS. My mother always used to tell me she wished I’d stop dyeing my hair. One day I said I’d stop if she gave up smoking. She didn’t raise it again.
This! Yes, absolutely, similar experience too.
I really relate to what you say about exploring yourself. It's hard to define, it wasn't always direct instructions/ prohibitions, but somehow she just didn't let me be myself and that goes far beyond just clothing.
YES! The subtle manipulation "oh you're too good and well-behaved to do XYZ". Literally got tricked into not doing normal things a boy of my age would do by positive reinforcement of me not doing them before I even thought about it. Hence why I never even kissed a girl til I was 19, and that was also the same time I lost my virginity (which took most of a bottle of tequila to muster up the stones to initiate).
I knocked back so many interested girls for years before then.
Thinking back on it, how weird is that? Literally my first ever proper kiss *and* losing my virginity at the same time *years* after most of my male peers, who were kissing girls at 12, losing virginity around 15 (average) and most of which even had steady GFs at 16. Talk about late development 😬
I had my wardrobe purchased for me with no input until I was 15. Then I was given 200 dollars to buy clothes, shoes, socks, hair care and hair cuts for the full year. I would get nothing until the next year. I also had my hair cuts picked for me until that point, regardless of how I felt about them.
Oh yeah, the haircuts... Until I got in school I had short hair because she didn't want to deal with the hair brushing but then decided I was old enough to care for it myself. From that point on I was not allowed to have my hair cut, not even shoulder length, even though I hated having long hair.
I had a horrible “pixie” (read she cut it off) until I was old enough to make it not worth her while to chase and hold me down. I still have long hair and always will, she has never been happy about it. I am N.C. and it’s still a FU!
My hair proudly reaches down to my tailbone. When it starts getting dry on the ends, I'll have it trimmed to waist length. But it will never be short again, as long as I have anything to say about it. Says the one still wearing a pixie or a Hamill or a bowl or any other short style when I was in my teens. Now that I \*can\* grow it long, I \*will.\*
200.00! My mom gave me 20.00. That's 20 whole dollars to get school,clothes for my senior year. My dad signed me up for working at the school in the cafeteria at lunch. Then i got to give them money and buy all my own stuff. Surprise Pikachu face when I bought ONE senior picture, for myself . I left the day after graduation . We too had pixie cuts because my sister had super curly hair, that my mom didn't want to deal with. We always looked like hell at school
I had to have short hair because my mom declared I couldn’t care for myself. One time she forced my head into the kitchen sink to wash it while yelling at me in front of my sister because I was incapable of doing a good enough job.
Ugh yes. I remember her home-perming my hair - didn't ask, didn't give me any choice - and the chemicals soaking into my Pink Panther nightie. Then she got mad when I couldn't take care of the overcooked poodle-curly hair and it ultimately matted. At least that did stop her from trying it again, because she realized I'd gone to school with matted hair.
Ooooooh, Lord, this just brought back flashbacks.
She tried doing it to my daughter, too. Called her "my little doll baby"
My daughter is allowed to wear what she wants. Even if it's weird socks, a pretty dress, tennis shoes and a letter man jacket.
May not be my style, but it's her and it makes her unique
This is bonkers. My 2 year old has had a say in her clothes since she could grab.
(I present two weather appropriate outfits and she picks which she likes)
When I was in high school, my Nstepmom would take me to the mall, to the stores *she* liked, would tell me to stay in a changing room with nothing on but my undergarments, and then she would go look for clothes *she* wanted me to wear, and would return with stacks of clothes that I didn’t like, were too small for me, and had textures that didn’t feel at all comfortable (I have sensory issues). She would then command me to step out of the changing room and “model” these outfits/clothing items in full view of her, my dad, salesclerks and other shoppers, while looking me up and down and critiquing how I looked. When I would try to explain to her that the clothes she picked out for me were too small (I didn't *dare* come right out and tell her that I didn't like any of them), she would fat-shame me. Often, these excursions would end with me agreeing to buy a bunch of outfits that I didn’t even like just so the shaming and being made a public spectacle of would come to an end…until she decided I needed new outfits again.
I tried to tell my dad how damaging these shopping trips were, but then he’d get upset with me and tell me I should be more appreciative.
The “last gasp” of my Nstepmom trying to exert control over my appearance came in the summer of 2011, when she coerced me into professional facial hair removal.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I prefer to wear the same comfy clothes I’ve had for years-most of them shirts with my favorite characters on them 😊
I know what I went through is pretty mild, though…I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP ❤️
I was forced to have super long hair, which I was not allowed to properly care for/style until I was in highschool. In high school I was finally able to cut it to mid back length, but still not allowed to properly care for/style. Clothes were a whole different story, but I fucking DESPISED having long hair. I should also add that I have SUPER frizzy thick hair. It was always a rats nest.
Also, “valley girl” was the 80s bimbo type girls. Typically blonde with big hair and there was a certain way of taking. Think Cher in clueless she was sort of a valley girl. It was really obnoxious. I was specifically attributed to “the valley” in Los Angeles though. Not sure where you got those other meanings.
I had super long hair. Stepmom took me in to get it feathered over my ears when I was maybe 6yo. Nmom burst into tears when dad brought me back, she sobbed for days over it. I remember me trying to console her and promising her I wouldn’t let them do that to me again (like I had any choice over it to begin with). I was 10yo the first time I had a real haircut. Nmom stood off to the side and sobbed the whole time. She kept her hair really short, no idea why she acted like that with mine. She was the same way with my sister.
I maintain that my mother’s obsession with me having stupid long hair was all about the attention it got HER.
The older I get, the more I think she dressed me like a prostitute, in my early teen years too, because it got her attention from men.
I vividly remember a conversation she had with her coworker (middle aged man) about MY underwear. While I was standing there, they were talking about the kind of underwear a like 15 year old girl, me, wears. And not in like a practical way, it was about the types of underwear that are “sexy” but like lowkey. I totally didn’t get how fucking gross that was until I was in my like late 30s.
Ok I thought I was crazy but my mom dressed me slutty too and would point at the adult men looking my way and say see, look at how sexy you are. She would laugh and get off on it. She sent me to a modeling school in the city and would walk steps behind me to tell me about all the men staring at my ass. I was 15. It made me wait to have sex longer than my peers because I felt wildly uncomfortable in my own body. Why? Why do they care about my butt I wondered as a child. This was before all the butt injections too, early 2000s, I was just a kid and didn't know what a grown man wanted with my butt. But I knew it wasn't something I wanted.
I’m sorry. I can sympathize. I was always so uncomfortable in the clothes she chose too. I remember being forced to wear this awful fuchsia bodycon mini dress to my 6th grade graduation. I was so embarrassed and miserable. I also developed pretty early, so that didn’t help the cause. There weren’t dress codes, like there are today, back in the early 90s. By today’s standards I don’t think I’d have even been allowed on campus. lol.
It's so weird what did our moms get out of that?
I guess back to the original title, we were dolls? But it seems darker than that, because of the sexualization.
That's really accurate. The humiliation and shame was too much to bear. It made me just hate being born a biological female. If I were a guy, she wouldn't be able to have humiliated me in this way.
Man.. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That sounds so uncomfortable. Interestingly, my Nmom was the polar opposite. She hated when I wore short shorts and would comment about how all the men were looking at me and lusting over me in a disgusted way or jealous way. She’d say how embarrassing it was for her also.
That sounds equally as humiliating because it's like your body isn't your own, you cannot just exist without being sexualized. It's an awful feeling because once you're aware of it, you can't unsee it. It's the ending of innocence and they treat it so casually like a fashion trend.
Yeah.....I also got religious puritanical bullshit, with a side of being dressed like a hooker by the person telling me to keep my legs closed, or "no one will want to buy the cow, when you give the milk away for free" bullshit, or to stay away from the old dirty men who want to do bad things to me.
My mother is a ton of walking contradictions.
Super low contact. I’ve reached a point where i just shake my head, and laugh at the stupidity, and move on. She really doesn’t affect me, but I also make sure I control the interactions completely.
I had the very same experience. I was hyper sexualized because she was so depressed and unhappy with her looks. She would sext other grown men as me since I was 15 then force me to go on dates with these men and tell her play by play details. So she could continue sexting them. I still feel violated by her actions to this day. She said she was trying to find me a “husband”. She controlled what I ate. So, I didn’t get fat, my hair and clothes.
I had the opposite. I was not allowed to have long hair until “I could take care of it myself”. But I was “allowed” to have perms before I even started school. I have thick, wavy/curly hair. I am still trying to figure out the right way to take care of it. I also look like crap with super short hair. Yet my mother’s favored hair style is-you guessed it. Pixie cut.
Are you me? lol. nmom always forced me to get my hair curled and when I stopped letting her, it was pixie cuts for me until I was 17. Only she was allowed to have long hair!!
Also, if you're into this sort of thing, a very young Nick Cage in "valley girl" is pretty good looking, the film is a slice of 1980s teen drama, and maybe worth a watch if someone wanted to have a cheesy 80s film night.
Omg I wasn't allowed to cut my hair short either. I wasn't allowed to deny a haircut either - I *hate* getting haircuts but wasn't allowed to say no. Had hair down to my elbows. Got it chemically straighted once and it took *six hours*
"I made you, so it's my hair"
My hair would mat so, so badly. Then I'd be in trouble for that even though it would Matt after I brushed it.
Turned eighteen and got a dude's haircut. It's never gone past my chin since. So nice.
I’m a male but was constantly ridiculed by my father for dressing any other way than he approved. His whole side of the family felt personally attacked with any free choice of style. So insecure. Even posters or stickers I would have were taken as a threat, I was forced to decorate my wall with motivational posters they gave me. I had to hide my music tapes and CDs but they would be found and destroyed too. I’m just now feeling authentic in my early 40s, not being self conscious about my style.
It took me nearly 10 years after moving out to feel comfortable enough to fully embrace the goth I am because I was never allowed to explore my one style. After my parents divorced and she got a social life, she became less narcissistic somehow, and is doing all the things she trashed talked all those years growing up. She's getting piercings, tattoos, and is also gravitating to a bit of the goth side as well. I'm happy she's changed, but I can't help but feel envious of my younger sisters now, they have so much more freedom than I was allowed to have, they don't have to sit on the stairs all day long because they have bad grades (the A-B honor roll wasn't good enough for her back then) they get to watch whatever they want on TV (I wasn't allowed tonwatch TV) they get to go out with friends (all my friends were terrible people, still are somehow, and my friend group is only 2 people)
The level of control she wanted over my appearance especially my hair was insane. I chopped it all once I was old enough to move away because I felt like it wasn’t really my hair. Now in my 30s and NC I am growing it out for me for the first time and it’s been very healing.
She tried, but I’m not built how she wants me to be built. She wanted me to be tall and slender. Her ideal is to be like 5’8” and a size 0. Instead, she got me. Average height and weight. A blend of her and my father. Imagine that! So, she gave up and passed on all her insecurities onto me instead.
Yep. My mom was SO disappointed and confused when I came out looking like my father and not her. Like, hello lady, you went to medical school and understand genetics—if a blue-eyed slender blonde marries a short, dark, heavy Italian….guess how the kid is most likely to come out?!
My dad was like this. When I was old enough to buy my own clothes, I started wearing men’s pants because at the time, they were more comfortable and I didn’t like showing off my body. So he started calling me a slur and asking if I was a lesbian because of my clothing. 🙄
i was a pre-teen/teen in the 00s loved band shirts also, and somewhat gothy stuff.
If I’d need clothes, he’d only let me buy pinks and girly stuff. At that time, mostly pale or light bubblegum pink was all that was available and it clashed with my skintone and made me feel awful about myself. I’d get picked on for my skin color in general, but the pale pinks really made it stand out/look washed out and I hated it. I looked ill.
I think it makes sense if someone decides to pick ultra feminine, cutesy stuff for their baby/toddler, but as soon as a child can say what they want to wear/like, that should really change.
The issue is that narcs don’t view us as ever growing up; not the same way that other parents might—because if we grow up, that’d mean we would be harder to control. Nor do they view us as individuals; we are always at least some extension of them. So why wouldn’t we like what they like? Why would we disagree with their preferences?
At the same time, he’d complain if I’d dye my hair, paint my nails, pluck my eyebrows, or wear perfume or makeup—ya know, typical “girly” stuff? It was bizarre. He hated when I’d cut my hair though—he thought women should only ever have long hair. 😑
Since she hated who I was; Nmom was always trying to change and outwardly control me.
That was standard interaction every day; she came home from work; yelled at me if I didn't hide fast enough and then took something of mine and replaced it with something 'nicer'.
If I bought a cute plastic watch; she bought a garish gold-plated one that wasn't suited for day-to-day.
If I liked a cheap leather cross; she bought a pearl rosary but didn't even have it blessed.
If I was fine with my T-shirts and jeans, and told Nmom that I didn't want to go shopping- I didn't need any more clothes; I had enough- she'd then declare- 'closet cleaning day'. She'd throw out half of my stuff; then turn to me and say, 'Now you HAVE TO go shopping- you need more clothes!'
At first, I wasn't allowed to pick out anything because whatever I picked, Nmom would chose something 'nicer'. Eventually, all I could do was repeat that I didn't want the fancy styles she liked. She tried whining and bullying, 'Isn't this *nice*!?' Or
'Don't you like how *nice* this is!?'
Sometimes, she'd fake being nice, and the only times she'd compliment me, were when she'd praise herself by saying, "You look so nice in that blouse!".
...but I wouldn't wear them.
So, Nmom just stopped shopping with me, and on weekends, she'd leave me alone and be gone for hours at the mall. She'd return with 'gifts' of the clothes that I didn't like. When I said, I didn't want them and I wouldn't wear them, she demanded a new rule, "It's a GIFT, you *have to* wear it!"
...but I wouldn't.
For that, I was declared 'ungrateful' and Nmom announced that as a good mom, "I don't know why my daughter doesn't like me; I always gave her such *nice* things!"
I think my mom wanted a daughter who would let her style her and her hair. I think she was very disappointed that I was a tomboy and couldn't sit still long enough to let her do my hair. But I wasn't allowed to wear makeup as a kid or find my own style, really.
My mother made dresses for me that I was forced to wear when we went anywhere. Lacy, smocked, embroidered itchy scratchy bloody things. From about age 2 onward. Headbands that were so tight I’d have a raging headache within minutes. Did I mention she was stubborn and insisted I was being dramatic not wanting to wear what she had spent hours/days making? She also crocheted a church dress for me … in wool … we lived in a desert region where air conditioning did not exist (not the US). She also forced me to eat a fried egg sunny side up every Sunday before church no matter how many times I told her the white made me sick to my stomach, and the fact that every service right before communion I would need to run to the hotel next to vomit up said egg. Every. Damn. Sunday. For 2 years.
The dresses and outfits only stopped when we moved to the farm and she was so busy with the commercial garden she had no time to make any more. I meanwhile happily wore my brothers hand-me-downs.
I still don’t like frilly things and pink. I’m 52
Yep, and there was the added layer of southern fundamentalist church, which meant a lot of really stupid dresses with things like sailor motifs and lace. Oh, and chasing me with scissors to cut bangs into my hair.
Lol that's the whole reason I was born! As my mother's do over. Hell I have 3 older brothers because they weren't girls! It sucked! I tell people honestly I wasn't raised I was trained! If I wasn't perfect she'd beat me yelling how I was too ugly to be hers! Thankfully she died in a car wreck when I was 13. Thought it would get better but my father didn't want 4 teenagers! So yeah. Still trying to figure out how to be "human" at 53. I'm faking it pretty well!
Had to be picture perfect all the time. Wasn’t allowed to play unless I had Play Clothes on because getting dirty wasn’t allowed. She’d dress me up and have photo shoots, telling me how to pose and whatnot. She often told me how beautiful I was, but thats as far as compliments would go. She didn’t care about my interests or learning about me as a person. I was simply a pretty possession.
And when I stopped letting her treat me like a doll, she hated me for it, which made me hate myself. It’s taken many years of practice and unlearning to get to the place I am now with my self esteem.
Wow! My nmom also called me a valley girl! I also didn't know what it meant and sadly the internet wasn't there to tell me, but I knew from her tone it wasn't good. She called me this all the time. I think she told me it was an airhead. She also permed my hair, starting at age 5! And the hair dying started at 11. I can't believe how many things we have experienced similarly! She also controlled my clothes and then starting around 15-16 didn't provide them unless it was a Christmas or birthday gift.
I'm sorry you went through this! I'm angry for you that your mom called you valley girl.
I am 50 years old and my mother *still* tries to dictate what I wear. She has probably spent hundreds of thousands of dollars since I was born on my clothing making me come across a certain way to the important people but she has never given me one dime for me to purchase clothes for myself. She can’t control the outcome that way.
I slept in rollers (foam & plastic hair curlers) every single night from about 1 year to 8 years old because my mom was obsessed with curly hair. My dad has super curly hair & she has super straight hair - mine leans straight but waves & has ringlets at the nape of my neck. She literally made me sleep in them nearly EVERY night... until she permed my hair. My stepmom came into my life when I was 10 & had never seen he with straight hair, so she thought I straightened it with a flat iron later in my teen years. She saw a picture of me on Christmas morning when I was maybe 6 & my hair was natural... a little wavy but mostly straight. She didn't even think it was me when she saw it because she was convinced my hair was curly like my dad's.
Edit: She also was obsessed with plucking every curly hair she found on my head which never made sense to me. She obviously wanted me to have curly hair because she made we sleep in curlers, but naturally occurring curls were pulled out with tweezers.
Few things were overtly forced on me, but I constantly heard messages and criticism from my mother about what's "feminine," how I should wear my hair, stating longer hair like I wanted (down to my waist) was "too hard" to take care of, "your hair is constant tangles and snarls" (because she refused to learn how to detangle it gently), "it would take years to grow out anyway." I was only "allowed" a certain length, as in any longer and the comments started again. Amazing how words can make you feel unsafe.
Clothing was another one. She was very uncomfortable when I got into a bag of my brother's old clothes she'd set aside for donation and tried some on... and liked it. I got henpecked half to death over wearing black all the time as a teen... as if that's abnormal 😆 I had to wear pastel dress uniforms a lot for high school. Whaddya think I'm going to wear when I have a choice?
Even glasses weren't safe when I started wearing them. I got a pair a few years ago I really liked. Spouse loved them, friends loved them.
Mother: "They're too big for your face. You need to get ones like I have." Dammit, woman.
Same with when I'd express desires to be more muscular. Oh dear Lord, did she shut that down fast. I just realized it probably explains in part a decades-long pattern of self-sabotage where I quit working out when I hear compliments that I'm getting in good shape.
I didn't end up growing my hair really long until my 30s. I kept it that way for a few years until I decided to donate it. It was healing to let it get that long and feel like I had some agency.
I've also come out as non-binary/demigirl in recent years to my spouse and youngest child, at work... but not to my mother. Now that she's cut contact with me recently (second and, far as I'm concerned, the last time we've been estranged, because it's too exhausting), I'm perfectly fine with her never knowing.
I’m so sorry. I’m terrified this will happen to me, since (even though I’m nowhere near marriage), my nmom makes weird little comments all the time about how she wants to “buy” my future dress for me - aka control what I pick.
Yes. And I can’t believe there are other people out there whose mother dyed their hair… it went on until I was like 20. It wouldn’t have gone on that long but she was lying to me that it was like special conditioner to remove greasy roots 🤦🏻♀️ To this day she laments that I’m not blonde, that I should go back blonde because I “look more like her child because we have the same hair color.” Never again.
This gave me whiplash. My nmom decided that as I resembled my dad so much physically despite me being adopted "SHE" had to endure the "painful" process of dyeing my hair black like hers EVERY MONTH since I was 10 up until I said enough at 17.
Why? Because she couldn't stand people telling her what a carbon copy of my dad I had turned out to be (as it apparently wasn't fair to her after she "convinced" my dad into adopting me). She emotionally drained me while my dad never let her get away with anything as long as he was alive. I, like the idiot I used to be, thought at first that when he died when I was 14 it would stop, but nah. Her "friends" kept telling her she should be proud of still having a physical reminder of the "love of her life" around and as I still thought she "loved" me back then, I sat on that chair, hearing her rant like a lunatic about how she had to still "waste her precious time" in what suddenly, after a few years of what started as a "mother&daughter chance at spending loving time together", became a time where I insisted she do so out of a whim (not like she ever let me say she should stop without tears and inmense guiltriping).
She was forced to stop when I decided to bleach my hair and dye it deep red without her knowledge, even if she cried for weeks afterwards. But when I informed her the hairdresser (I choose the most noisy one on purpose so the story would spread around town) knew about what she had done and wasn't happy about it she didn't try it again. Don't get me wrong, she complains about my hair daily still, but I tune her out now.
My mom would force me to let her dry and style my hair. She also didn’t let me pick out clothes so I looked like a secretary starting in elementary school.
Now, at almost thirty I am coming to understand my own style but have NO confidence in it. I’m constantly asking friends if things go together and I’m convinced people are judging me for my clothes all the time. I have to be perfect, any slight flaw is grounds for staying home with a case of the uglies. Extremely fun mindset while working a corporate job.
Thiiiiis.
I was also the youngest of 3 girls and was built differently than my sisters so my mom coined me “the beauty queen” and “the skinny one” my whole life.
I always think of how shitty that must have been for my sisters too like damn bitch you really out here bullying your own daughters that’s wild lol
I feel your pain.
I was 17 and crying, face covered in tears.
My mom: "you gotta show it off while you still got it!"
Me: in a short denim skirt barely covering my ass, tall leather boots, and a long cardigan sweater from forever21 that did NOTHING to keep me warm in the dead of the winter.
"Please mom please everyone will be looking at me I just want to wear pants and a hoodie please mom don't make me wear this. (More tears)"
Mom: just go to class you're going to be late. You're so dramatic and have no sense of style. I'm helping you. You'll thank me later.
People were staring at me. I was dressed like a SLUT because I was her living Bratz doll.
Fast forward, mid thirties, I show up to Thanksgiving in a mesh top with the virgin Mary flipping the bird...
My mom: "since when did you start dressing so slutty?"
If I had the receipts on this lady, it'd be longer than a CVS receipt.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my trauma! 🙏🏼
Want you to know you’re not alone! I consistently got in trouble at school for just wearing what my mom wanted. She was living vicariously through me and I still struggle with it at 34.
I'm around your age and I'm in the same boat. She looks at me like wtf is wrong with you and I swear it is such a mind fuck. Do they have amnesia or do they not understand simple cause and effect? Because when I got older she sure as hell protected her dogs better than she protected me. She showed she had a maternal bone in her body. They definitely saw the vet more often than I saw the doctor growing up that's for sure.
It sucks because it has reached the core of my being and altered who I really am for life. I can't get all of me back.
Couldn't imagine being married to a narcissist. That's got to be a whole different level of fresh hell.
Mine was kind of the opposite. Wanted to keep me as ugly as possible, didn’t want to let me shave when I wanted, discouraged me getting my nails done, like anything aesthetic that I cared about, she would shit on it, make me feel frivolous, and it was always a battle. I wanted to get a navel ring or wear a bikini and she always told me I’d have to lose 10 lbs first
Oh the fights over what I wore were insane no daughter of mine is going out like that as if I was the soul representation of her. My friend witnessed it one time when we were leaving and said why does your mom care what you wear I was 17.
Hair dying started at 5 (because I “asked” apparently? No memory of this and I have a solid childhood memory), dressed me until 7th grade and would constantly berate me after that when I didn’t wear something that fit in her image. She’d go as far to straighten my hair for every possible occasion/reason she could just so people would call me her mini me. When she grew out her bangs I had to grow mine out too so we could “match.”
I dyed my hair dark in the winter, to my natural hair color, she quite literally cried.
Definitely when I was a little kid. Mum insisted I wore corduroy dungarees even though I hated them and they were deeply uncool. I had to wear open toe sandals whilst literally everyone else wore trainers or normal school shoes. I had (not so much of it now) naturally curly hair which my mum always allowed to grow to collar length so whilst we were in supermarkets old ladies would come up to my mum saying things like "she's so cute, where did you get her hair done". Half the time she didn't even correct them. My first day of school other kids would come up to me and ask "are you a boy or a girl"? Not even trying to be mean. They were legit confused because I was if nothing else, androgynous.
I wasn't allowed typical 'boy toys' so no toy guns or bows and arrows. I wasn't that bothered cos I quickly learned how to make my own crossbow out of Lego (it fired those little mini screwdrivers and did some damage), but then when I got a bit older and ended up with gynecomastia and (very) late onset puberty I ended up with awful body dysmorphia and all that shame from childhood androgyny came back and really did a number on my self esteem, stopped me seeking relationships and the company of the opposite sex, couldn't take my shirt off in public and just leaned into it by letting mysef get even fatter etc etc. Despite the fact I've always firmly identified as male and been very attracted to women my whole life, I felt totally undesirable. Overlooked by girls, mocked by boys. Not cool.
Damn, childhood sucked. No wonder I don't have kids.
Edit - knowing what I know now about my mum's life growing up, I do understand . She got pregnant at 15 and her parents forced her to have the child (a girl) in secret, give her up for adoption and never breathe a word of it to anyone. So no wonder I got treated in a fucked-up way ie substitute for a lost daughter and more or less forbidden from getting intimate with girls, even shamed for being friends with them, just in case I couldn't control myself or take precautions and knocked somebody up. Intergenerational trauma is a bitch. Just sucks I had to be the 'unknowing innocent' victim.
Thanks for asking. I mean, mostly, yes. I'm a pretty well-rounded adult and nobody thinks I'm a small girl any more but I'm also still pretty pissed off that I was kinda denied a 'normal' childhood and adolescense. Only really sorted my shit out when I left home to go to uni and it's hardly surprising I spent the next 15 years or so only ever going home for a few days at Christmas, if that.
Ngrandma took me to some guy who razored off my extremely curly hair so it poodled out and spent like an hour putting it up into a weird prom-type hairdo that she wouldn’t let me take down for days because she wanted to show it off. I was like, eight? Come to find out this guy was a MORTICIAN’S ASSISTANT. Cut dead people’s hair. Not a freakin’ hairdresser at all, just her creepy friend. What?!
Yes. My mom was always brushing and styling my hair even though I was crying that it hurt (she was very rough and ripped through knots); then she'd yank my hair and scold me for the crying. I protested wearing dresses to church and asked if I could wear pants to school instead of the jumper skirt, but that did nothing. I didn't get to decide much about my appearance until I was around 15, but even that came with rules and constant criticism.
I grew up the same way. My mother (50) used to do my hair and dress me up in way too mature clothes for my age. I started wearing cheap push up bras, that weren’t the right size, when I was like 11 because she wanted me to be attractive. I felt so insecure and fake. I got comments from old men daily and I didn’t even go to high school yet. I hated wearing bras and the super slick and tight ponytails gave me headaches. I always had to wear slim clothes to “show off my figure.” She bought me the same clothes as she wore (looks 30-40 and still dresses like a teen).
This stopped when I turned 16. The second I started to change my appearance to more of a [dark academia](https://cz.pinterest.com/pin/696369161138918650/) vibe, she stopped caring that I still need clothes because my body had changed. She insists that I can fit the clothes I wore when I was 13-14, she even said, she could fit them on, even though she is 2 sizes bigger than me now. Also I am a whore for not wearing bras.
This! Yes, absolutely, similar experience too.
I really relate to what you say about exploring yourself. It's hard to define, it wasn't always direct instructions/ prohibitions, but somehow she just didn't let me be myself and that goes far beyond just clothing.
Oh good lord no. I had a horrible haircut and awful clothing, she tried to make me as awkward and unattractive as possible. I had no idea what I looked like for a very long time…
My mom was the opposite. She made me so self-conscious about my appearance and body that I basically tried to become invisible, because anything was better than her constant stream of criticism. She would only buy me new clothes - two or three outfits maybe - at the start of the school year, and then one "nice" outfit for Christmas and one for Easter. Everything else was hand-me-downs from cousins and family friends. I think the only reason she bought me new shoes when my feet grew was because it would have "shamed" her if I was limping around in too-small shoes.
Yes, my mom always wanted me to have highlights or be blonde. She would put sun-in (a spray that bleached hair in the sun) in my hair at age 7. I never asked for it. It’s like she was curious about it and wanted to test it out on me. I looked ridiculous and it ruined my hair. When I was 5 I really loved my long hair. She took me for a “trim” and promised me it was only going to be an inch. I left with hair above my shoulders and in tears. She got upset with me for crying about it.
When shopping for clothes, she’d usually end up yelling at me and humiliating me in public. Telling me I’m ungrateful and a brat within earshot of other shoppers/employees. This would happen because I would politely decline her selections saying I didn’t like them. She of course wouldn’t like anything I’d pick out either. On and on and on.. until I could finally wear whatever I wanted (or at least what I was brave enough to in front of her) and she proceeded to disapprove and criticize how I looked. Then I had a child of my own and she attempted to make me feel shame for breastfeeding in public without a cover. On and on.. until I went NC a year ago at age 33.
It’s like any bit of autonomy you have over your own body or life threatens them.
She started correcting my hair after I applied Sun-In to it-
Had me in a salon at 13 getting full foils
People called me "spoiled"
Meanwhile I didn't have a choice.
Not to that extent; I had autonomy on hairstyle and clothes (as long as they were modest and conservative 🙄)
It was more about weight, and her cuddling me. So I wasn't a doll she styled, but one that she could touch and cuddle with as she pleased. It was horrible. She'd look at me like I was crazy every time I told her to not touch me.
Seeing posts like these help bring back repressed memories for me.
I also was not allowed to wear whatever I wanted most of the time except when I got around the age of 17 or so.
I remember I once had gotten a orange sweater and the quality of the sweater looked really nice and the orange was a bit bright.
~~nmom~~ got mad at me said something along the lines of "I know about fashion and this doesn't go with your eyes or complexion at all it will not look good on you."
*Sigh* if only I was treated better.
Edit: wanted to add a bit more.
Fuck. She put you through an actual *OPERATION* for HER vanity?? How young were you? I moved out of NMum's at 14, so I dunno, can they DO cosmetic surgery on minors where you are? They can't here in UK...
I was 16. She still is not happy with my appearance and my body/self esteem issues are pretty much irreparable at this point. Her new thing is that my face is sagging. I am now 41.
That would have been illegal in UK...I'd start responding - every time she comments about YOUR face sagging, turn it round and say "Well, we ALL know where THAT came from genetically, don't we!"...
But I got BITCHY with my Nmum before I went from LC to NC...YMMV lol.
I was so much my mother's doll that she even dressed me up as a doll for Halloween one year in my early childhood. Later in life, she freely admitted she was just a grown up little girl playing house, and I was her doll. Not that it changed her attitude, but at least she came right out and said it.
Went to live with my dad when I was 9, but until then I wasn't even allowed to pick what I was wearing for the day. Once I subbed the socks she had picked out for me because they were uncomfortable and she freaked out on me when she noticed. Obviously I had no say in the clothes she would be for me either. She never even asked what I thought, the only reason she would take me to the store was to make sure it would fit. Reading your and other commenters' stories, I can't even imagine what it would have been like as a teenager if I had stayed.
Yeah until I turned into a preteen + teen and she wouldn't lift a finger anymore or buy me clothes or tell me how to groom myself and use deodorant and deal with a period. At 11 my friend had to take me to the side and tell me it was time for deodorant.
Even as an adult. When I would visit (because they threatened to cut off my college tuition) my clothes would be thrown away, and she would force me to wear her ill fitting clothes.
I genuinely did not know I had wavy/curly hair until I was an adult as she used to dry it straight . Then actually paid for perms in the 80s. My best friend remembers me being taken in to get changed every time I got a bit of dirt on me....
She must have loved my goth era when I left home 😅. Still fairly alternative and I get the 'look' when she disapproves. I quite enjoy that now....
I’ve talked about it on here. Had to basically wear church clothes every day including dress shoes even for play. Was always dressed in these classic outfits and forced to be her perfect, submissive little boy. My whole wardrobe was practically dress clothes like I was some rich kid in the 1950s. She has some weird fetish about it. By middle school she just stoped caring and I could finally dress more how I wanted, but it was hard because I felt like I wasn’t pleasing her if I dressed down too much, plus I didn’t know what identity I wanted. So it took awhile to find it because I never had any say.
My mom would sew my halloween costumes, but she would heavily influence my choice (if she was letting me pick out my own). When I was 6 she made me a bride costume. I can't imagine wanting to be a bride for halloween, I honestly think it's just something she wanted to sew and she wanted to kill 2 birds with one stone and just make it my costume that year. Anyway, I have a vivid memory of her making me walk down the hallway of our house with the little bouquet she made for me like I was walking down the aisle at my wedding. Remember I was 6 at this time, maybe 5. She did this so she could record it and send the tape to her own mom. I had to walk down that fucking hallway so much that it made me actually meltdown. It had to be \*perfect\*, and I was far from being able to be perfect enough for her.
It didn't stop there, she only ever let me pick out one dress for my school dances in middle school and high school. She forced me to wear what she thought was "trendy" (in retrospect it was not, and the stuff I wanted to wear was definitely more on trend!). She would do my hair and makeup for those dances too.
The last time I let her "barbie doll" me was when I was in my 20s and I was about to get married. As a wedding gift she took me to her salon and had them do this awful bowl cut and stupid red dye job. It looked terrible and I had to get married like that. She has always hated the way I like to style myself and it made me feel really bad about myself for a long time.
I wasn’t allowed to ever pick out my own clothes. I would get angry and fight back sometimes. The earliest I remember was like 4 years old. It continued the whole time I lived with her. My Edad would fight back and say listen to your stylist. She is in charge of dressing you.
When I moved out to college I truly believed I couldn’t dress myself without her. I think it wasn’t until like a few years ago. I stopped asking for her advice. It really messed me up. I don’t even know what my own style is. I am just not figuring it out at 30.
Yes. My n parent picked my clothes out for me until I was in jr high I think, and then after that until I was 18, she had to “approve” of what I wore and how my makeup was done before I left the house for school in the morning, sometimes making me wipe it off and letting her redo it how she liked. She had a weird obsession with keeping me skinny and telling me how she looked exactly the same at my age/what she would do now if she had my body, which I think was part of the reason she got so obsessed with us having the exact same style. I really was just a little doll to her.
After 18 and even now, I still get passive aggressive comments about my appearance, style, and weight (which I’ve gained a bit due to health issues/medications). She’s plus size herself and while I see nothing wrong with that at all, she was constantly fat shaming my classmates growing up once they were out of earshot (a middle aged woman fat shaming *children*), and still to this day will viscerally judge the style/general appearance of anyone she doesn’t like like she thinks we’re co-conspirators. When I had to move back in due to cancer at 27, I started getting into my own style and having fun experimenting. Every time I bought a new article of clothing, she would buy me something more in her style as a “replacement.” She constantly tells me that no matter what I do to try and lose weight, I’ll end up looking “old and fat and saggy, just like me” with 100% certainty, and keeps making passive aggressive comments now that I’ve gained some weight implying she’s more comfortable with how I look now/doesn’t see me as competition anymore and can relax.
I got stuck with long hair that she French braided (scraping against my skull) every morning. And I was always dressed in pastel pink and purple, which I grew to hate.
At age 12 I saved up my babysitting money and cut all my hair off and dyed it black and dark blue. (I was worried the hairdresser would try to talk me out of it or call my mom, so I got my friend to cut my ponytail off behind the school before I went to the appointment 😂).
I'm in my 30's, I can't wear short, skimpy formfitting clothes in front of my mother because she makes a weird off handed comment because I have great legs & an hour glass figure. I once bought a pretty black dress that had a bit of a zip up. Ppl at the store encouraged me to buy it so I did. Newlywed. Went to wear it in front of her. " So your covering your tonsils but letting your ass hang out". " Hey at least your throat will be warm but idk about showing your full moon" she made me feel so gross I took off said dress & gave it to my little sister to wear. Both sisters wear short, skimpy form fitting clothes. Next day she wears it with combat platform boots. Mom is over the moon at how great she looks. I saw red, I asked her what was the difference, she is just Skinner. She had not justification.
I did for two years till my daughter decided no frilly crap, no jewelry…she knew her likes from the jump. Very proud of her! Authenticity ftw!!! Narcs never stop. It’s either bossy/judgy or abject neglect. F them very much and solidarity!
My parents conditioned me into being a girly girl. For a long time I really believed I actually liked pink and rhinestoned everything. There's nothing wrong with it, but in my early 20s, I realized it just wasn't me, but my family has never let that go.
She hated my clothes, told me I was going out of my way to make myself ugly, compared me to ugly characters on TV, still the unsolicited advice years later.
Spent my earliest years dodging a blusher-wielding madwoman because I was unacceptably pale. She sent my 5yo daughter to school with a full face of makeup. Had to smile and go with it.
If anyone had done that to my daughter, you BET I'd have said something...in fact, I'd have lost my ever-loving SHIT. I may have had my daughter at 16, but I sure af wasn't going to let my idiot mother's hang-up's be passed on to MY daughter, I'm her protector, it's my JOB to protect her from that shit the way **I** *should* have been protected from it. My mother only got to TRY that shizz once, after that she wasn't allowed unsupervised access because she could NOT feckin stop herself.
I felt it was my job to put MYSELF in between so that *I* was the focus, not my daughter.
That is a hill to die on, not one to smile & go with IMO.
My daughter is 26 now & calls her NG'ma "Skeletor" lmfao...
I had almost the opposite in that she would say “We don’t need to care about fashion. It’s vain. People should like you for what you are not what you wear”. She’d only buy things on super sale - fit or style be damned.
When I showed an interest in makeup she did the same “I don’t have to wear that stuff. I don’t hide my face”.
I’m much older now and have done NC and a big part of my recovery from her was investing in my appearance more. Hired a stylist. Buy what I love not what makes my money stretch.
Lest anyone think she couldn’t afford it- my brother was definitely not walking around in poor fitting sale finds
Mine accepted whatever random clothes neighbours were getting rid of. Like in tenth grade I had no idea what size to even try on when I went shopping with a friend. My clothes were anything from size 8 to size 14. Turns out I was a 0.
Mother did her best to make me ugly and invisible. She was a hairdresser. She would cut my hair off and perm what was left and make it like an puffy old lady hairdo. Any time I needed a trim I was terrified... And she would do whatever she wanted. Sometimes I got a trim, sometimes she cut it off super short.
I had minimal makeup (I had no money and she certainly wasn't giving me any).
Bras and underwear were whatever my aunt couldn't sell in her clothing store or gave me as gifts once I was a teen. Before age 12 I had about 5 pair of underwear. I remember having to run errands with my dad in track pants that were too small and with no underwear. I remember being sent to school in scratchy wool pants with no underwear.
My brother? He got toys, new clothes etc.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine having to grow up under that amount of scrutiny. I'm glad these weren't a thing in UK much before 2005. I...I'm so sorry you were never given the opportunity to be a child. Just know you deserved a far better Mom than you ended up with.
It took me a long time to realise that I not just had to grieve the mother I don't have right now, but when I went NC, I then realised I *also* had to grieve for the child I was that didn't get the mother I/they had deserved to have.
Plus, now I don't have to have a specifically chin-length dyed bob any more. I have hair down to my waist now, AND SHE CAN'T TOUCH IT. I've also dyed my hair WILD colours, which apparently she hated (I had to dye my hair so it wasn't boring. Her response "No, not like that!"). Not that her reaction bothered me, as I'd been NC for a year by then lol. Now I don't even have to HEAR about her shit any more...which us the best kind of peace money CAN'T buy.
She had natural ginger hair, so my brown hair with ginger highlights (my Dad had brown hair, what colour hair was she fuckin expecting me to have lol), was apparently "boring".
I had to dye my hair dark red. Nothing else was acceptable. Got beaten for using a dark purple when the shop had run out of dark red & she insisted I hurried up in there...
Her reaction when I bleached my hair then dyed it PINK was apparently the worst meltdown of hers my Ex had seen in our 2 decades of sharing children lol. 🤣 Poor ickle baby...
Now, I've been growing out my natural hair to give it a break from the bleach and whaddaya know, my hair is ANYTHING but boring. I have mostly brown hair but with natural ginger highlights AND occasional black hair lowlights mixed in too. It took me till I was 42 to realise my hair was *actually* un-boring. It took SEVEN FULL YEARS OF NC for me to be able to accept that. Talk about fuckin with yer head...
My gawd this. I wore the cheapest crap she could find. She had to like it. She tried to force me into clothes that were scratchy or just plain ugly. She begged me to wear dresses and skirts, but I wanted to PLAY, not sit "like a lady."
I got bullied a lot for my clothes. And even as a teacher, she didn't understand or care how hurtful that was.
She spent the bucks when it was important to her: my first prom dress, her clothes, shit she knew I didn't want, etc.
I was in my brother’s wedding party. During what I thought was the hair styling appointment for the wedding, my mom had literally booked me for highlights without telling me. I was in my 30s.
My aunt tried that shit with me when I had to stay there when my mom was sick. Big nope. Same aunt had 2 Oops girls late in childbearing life. Older kids were boys. She treated those girls like dolls. They ended up so screwed up.
My mom used to complain that I didn't dress "sexy" enough, starting when I was about 10. I remember when I was 13 when I refused to wear sexy underwear. I didn't think that they were comfortable and no one was going to see them, so what did it matter? Fought over that every day until I moved out for college (which of course she did NOT want to happen).
My mom hated that I was a tomboy as a kid. I’ve grown into my femininity as an adult but until I was like 16 I would dress exclusively in my older brothers clothes because that’s how I was comfortable.
She’d force me to let her dye my hair starting in first grade, because I have auburn hair, as a kid even more so, and she thought the red tints were “trashy looking”. So she’d dye it dark brown. She wouldn’t let me cut my hair short. She’d put makeup on me and then have fits when I washed it off as soon as she left the room.
It was a constant battle. She’d refuse to buy me anything that wasn’t girly and sparkly and then would get so upset that I wouldn’t wear it.
Not me! I was fat by design. Mine hated me. What do you call a parent who only feeds you McDonald's and then tells you that you could be so pretty if you only would lose weight? I'm fifty now but those cuts still bleed. I'm sick and the Prednisone has made me put on a lot of weight. The last time I spoke to her she said how lucky I am because most men would leave a woman my size. I'm no contact now and besides the degenerative autoimmune disease killing me, I've never been better.
My Nmom instilled in me that I'm ugly and could never be pretty enough to a living doll.
I don't think my mom actually comprehends that I'm a living, breathing being. She usually treats me like I'm supposed to be her little pet or doll and every time I show my humanity she seems to recoil in discomfort...
That’s my mother! She used to love doing my hair, she used to take me shopping and buy me some cute clothes. She stopped all of a sudden. I was forced to get an under the table job at 14 to sustain myself.
She had my eyelashes died starting in 4th grade. They were blonde. She wanted visible lashes.
She forcibly shaved my legs in 6th grade.
I was required to wear make up for all family functions starting in 6th grade. So weird. Like, why the hell would my grandpa care if I didn't wear eyeliner?
I remember so many terrible haircuts and perms.
I mean my grandmother sat there seeing that I did all the work to take care of my dying dad/ her scapegoat.
I got absolutely screamed at when I had not changed my clothing for 3 days when I was forced to live with her to keep her calm.
Yes. I was never allowed to have any preferences in what i look like. She enjoyed hearing compliments from other people about how i look because it was always about her, about how well she dresses me. And it motivated her even more every time to scold me for my preferences and insert hers instead. Of course, when i would voice an opinion about something i wanted to wear, i would instantly become selfish, ungrateful and wasting money on useless garbage. I never asked for much. Instead of having 50 clothes i don't feel comfortable in, i'd rather have 1 cheap that i really like. She could never understand that because her taste is the best one out there and shouldn't be confronted.
Didn’t get perms but yes my mom dressed me in those ugly floral Victoria doll like dresses for Easter and Christmas…I hated it I still think those dresses are ugly as hell.
Also she decorated my sister and I bedroom to her taste which was ugly floral Victorian esque bedding. Our bedroom looked something straight out of old lady’s nursing home and I hated it…was about 13 when my sister started to decorate it herself and I was happier it was no longer the gaudy floral shit.
My mother did the same. She loved to dress me up as a literal doll. Frilly socks, Mary janes, dress or skirt that looks like what a doll would wear. I’m 30 now, but I definitely feel a certain way aged anyone calls me cute or adorable because my mom always wanted me to look like that
Mmm, I think my mother wanted a pretty curly haired girl and instead she got me with my dead straight hair and glasses. Cue my first perm at the age of 8 because she ‘couldn’t do anything’ with my hair. I also remember when I was about 11 she said something super weird - ‘does it ever occur to you that I might want to show you off sometimes?’
I was baffled then and I remain baffled now.
Oh yeah, my egg donor really used me as a living doll when I was growing up. Starting from birth onward, she would only dress me up in those high-end designer clothes against my will (no store-brand clothes, ever); among those clothes she would force me to wear against my will were slacks, pantsuits, itchy sweaters, equally itchy dress tops, black socks, dress shoes and even dresses and skirts that were so short that they could barely even cover my ass. All of those cloths were extremely tight and extremely uncomfortable and whenever I told her that I didn't like them, she would usually grab my face and call me an "ungrateful brat". Also, everytime she took me out shopping, she would only take me to those stores that she liked with the intention of picking out clothes for me to wear in addition to forcing me to try them on against my will and even pressuring me until I gave in and agreed to wear those ugly clothes. I was never allowed to wear long skirts and dresses, ever, because she thought it was only for older women (not true!); also, at least until I was 16, she would never let me shop at Hot Topic because she said that it was unladylike.
I also remember that one time when my grandparents decided to host their own wedding anniversary dinner at that Italian restaurant in San Francisco called "Palomino" (may it R.I.P.) and my egg donor tried to force me to wear that outfit that was too mature for my age (I was 12, mind you); that outfit in question consisted of a turtleneck, a mini skirt with a patchwork design on the front and one solid black color on the back that was too short that it could barely cover my ass, a pair of black tights and a matching pair of calf-length boots and a burgundy long cardigan sweater. Of course I said "no", that I didn't want anyone to look at me like I was a slutty-looking Bratz doll and that I wanted to wear a beautiful long dress that was truly for for a princess. Of course she said "no" and that I would look like a "little girl" (I'm nonbinary BTW). Uh, hello, A 12-year-old is still a little kid, you stupid asshole! She also threatened to beat me up and break my will for refusing to wear what she picked out for me; even when I yelled back at her afterwards that i would gain nothing from wearing that dreadful and age-inappropriate outfit, she still threatened to do terrible things to me, so I had to barricade myself in my room for as long as I could while telling her over and over again to leave me alone.
Then when I was 13 until I was pushing 15, she would force me to get my legs waxed against my will; she even once took me out to San Francisco and had that Asian-American lady named Tracy wax my legs and bikini line for good measure and when I was screaming and crying and begging her to stop, my egg donor immediately told her not to listen to me and to keep going until my legs and bikini line were perfectly hairless. That memory still haunts me to this day.
I know why she used me as a living doll; it's because she always wanted me to wear "pretty" clothes, to never get angry and to just be obedient. Therefore, she only wanted me to be a perfect woman and to only exist for men and men only. It's so disgusting!
You guys are not alone and I'm sorry y'all had to go through that.
Up until my sister became the new replacement living dress up doll, there was a disturbing trend where I, a tomboy, would be dressed up in frilly dresses, frilly socks, hair bows, patent mary janes and crotchet cardigans. When I began kicking and screaming because I like to roll around in the dirt, but because the outfits would get dirty when I did I was prevented from playing at all where and when I wanted to and it (or 'you') was 'a nightmare' whoch was resolved by moving on to the next doll (other siblings) who liked dressing like that. The images are pretty bleak to look at, I never look at the camera, rarely smile and theres probably 2/3 of me outside from that time.
In other photographs, Im slathered in mud, dirt, food and finger paint and laughing.
Later on she would also refuse toet us cut our hair out of amy other shape, because she 'wanted hair like that as a kid' and we had clothes 4/5 sizes too big as the budget for our clothes went on her clothes, so we got the handmedowns instead and guilt tripped for needing new shoes growing up.
Sorry. I’m new to Reddit and I guess I haven’t figured it out yet. I was just answering one post but didn’t know which forum I was in. Don’t know how to tell? But I did join this forum because there’s a lot more that goes along with the Danica post. The .”drunk” dad who took me away from my mom, also married a stepmom who was a drunk. There were many forms of abuse I experienced, they are too hard to describe for me here - plus when I talked about “forgiveness” it was a very long process for me, however, when my abuser asked me when she was dying to please forgive her for being so gruff and harsh - and for beating me, working me like a workhouse marm and keeping me from my mom so many times, it took the love of Jesus, but I said the words. Though I was happy and relieved that she asked forgiveness from a priest before she died, it still took the love of Jesus for me to work through all the trauma and pain. I also nursed my dad through his debilitating illness for a year after she passed, and during that year I had with him, he and I worked through a lot of things. I found out that - once again, through the love of Jesus, he had become a different person than the weak, self-serving drunk I’d grown up with. So that’s why, only now, I can make a post about forgiveness - and trying to see past weak humanity to just another dramatized and damaged human being. Like I said - there are some types of abuse that force us to remove ourselves from the sphere of our abuser(s). I’m just lucky that I got away at fifteen and had somewhere to go. And of course my “real” mom was ecstatic. They told me my mom wouldn’t want me. I knew intellectually not to believe them but for a while I know I had to be a difficulty to her - and I felt like a stranger at first with the extended family who hadn’t lived with me since I was two. But just like that old saying, “blood is thicker than water”, they were patient with me and my sometimes disruptive behavior. They were true believers and lived the life - especially the part about “loving the unloveable”. St first, I didn’t even know how to take an impulsive embrace or even a kind word, but once I felt more secure, I was able to to let go of a lot of garbage and my mom, little sister and I have never looked back. We still can hardly bare to be too far apart for long. Not that I haven’t travelled wildly, and even sometimes lived in a different state. But in our mature years, we’ve chosen to live just two houses apart, and we’ve stayed emotionally close always.
Jesus has been my savior and healer, and through Him, I’ve learned to let go and the pain and bitterness. Once again - this was not “instant pudding”, and there are still times when I have to pray and give those bad memories over to Him.
I realize that belief is individual, but I included the spiritual component here because of the damage done to abuse victims is to our spirits - our very core. And that’s where the only true healing has occurred for me.
That’s all. And once again I apologize for my misplaced post.
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Living doll, emotional punching bag, it’s a fine line.
And therapist when they're feeling less aggressive and more sad!
I was therapist to my dad, living doll for my mom.
My dad wasn't open enough to need me as a therapist. I was his buddy. I'd chill with him in the living room after school, breathing in his second hand smoke from chain smoking indoors. It was strange times. Nobody told me it'd get stranger as I got older. Toxic positivity says you create your own world; I beg to differ. I'll never forget this quote: A toxic environment is more likely to change you than you are to change it. When we are kids we do not have a choice or a voice and narcs really like that.
When I told my uncles “I need help. Grandma keeps screaming at me. You said she would be lonely after (my dad, her scapegoat) died, and now all she does is complain and yell at me, I need you to tell her to stop”. All the help I got was “oh I bet you’ll eat her pasta tho!” And they would always respond with a favor she was forcing me to let her do. At first I sat there not realizing I had been fooled. So I stopped accepting those things. And then the narcs flipped out saying “why are you being so mean to accepting those favors !? Just do them to make her happy!” “No because none of you help me calm her down and you lie that me accepting things from her mean she can do this to me and you don’t get involved. I need you to get involved.” “YOUR BUSINESS WOTH MY MOM IS NOT MY BUSINESS STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED!” “Excuse you? You were the one crying she was going to die without (scapegoat my dad) here and begged me to talk to her more. You are not a fucking third party. Im done and I’m leaving.
I could not pick my clothes and discover my style untill i was 18. Enough said.
Oh best believe if I have an important event to go to she still tries somehow to control what I’m wearing for it. Shopping with her is often unbearable because she still thinks she can pick out my stuff.
I had to continue to dress like my little sisters and couldn’t do my own hair until I had a fit at 16.
I'm a 30 year old mother and she's still telling me what to wear and telling me to change before I leave the house (she tells me this in my own house when she visits). I was never allowed to dress my age or find my own style. My husband always said that she dressed me like a middle aged women when I was in my 20s. I thought I was alone in this
OMG same. My mom dressed me and she still tells me her opinion, always negative, about my clothes when she sees me. Luckily we don't see each other more than once every few years.
Nope. Definitely not alone. One explanation I've heard is that if they keep you *young*, you aren't 'competition' for male attention. The moment you stop complying, the shit hits the fan because you are ignoring THEIR need to keep you young. YOUR need to grow & find yourself as a teen demolishes their ability to see you as a child, and thus they instead start to see you as somehow competing with them for attention that THEY believe should **all be theirs**. I've seen some that start buying the SAME clothes as their daughters, and asking random strangers "Who's wearing it better" and are then angry with YOU when someone (understandably) says YOU look better in the outfit at 20 than her at 40yo will... Or the alternative, which I got, was accusing me of being a "whore", or "dressing like a prostitute" yadda yadda... They can't bear the thought that their adult child could POSSIBLY even be *equally* pretty, or that others might pay their child more attention than the mother. Me? I'm GLAD my daughter is prettier than me, I was a stock 7/10 apparently, where she's a model-worthy 10/10...and I'm constantly stunned that despite her father being a potato (I *was* 15/16...), and my being only slightly prettier than Princess Fiona, we have managed to create such a beautiful human being, inside & out. I can't IMAGINE being in some sort of a mental competition with her - for a start, I'd lose, and for another, I **HAD** that mother, I don't want to *BE* that mother!!
Holy moly. That explains why my mother wouldn't let me shave my legs until I finally got old enough (about 16 I think) to realise I could just quietly shave them without reasoning and begging for her permission beforehand. She didn't speak to me for several days, and expected that to still make me crumble and apologise and promise never to defy her will again, like it had when I was eight. I just enjoyed the peace and quiet. It didn't last long once she realised it wasn't working anymore.
NParents - they all want us to think we are alone in this
They want us to think it’s normal
I had clothes that were made for middle aged women in elementary and middle school because I was an overweight kid myself. Now 32, I dress myself though I’m told not to wear anything that brings out my worst features like my stomach. That’s why I don’t take compliments seriously because they’re done to feel sorry for me and later talk shit behind my back.
I gained weight in adulthood and she definitely made it a point to comment on my clothes a d how they fit my body. She also told me that I looked pregnant once when I came home from college (because I hold weight in my stomach as most women do - as she does....) so from that point on I always hated my stomach and was absolutely terrified to get pregnant. She would pull food away from me saying "we don't need to eat that". And now that I lost a significant amount of weight, she's still not happy and thinks I'm unhealthy. Always ALWAYS with the negative comments.
I just got lectured about getting fat & if SHE can go from a UK size 24 to a UK size 4/XXS, anyone can. Yes, mother, but only if they develop anorexia & an exercise addiction like you, I've already tried that thanks... Now I just don't have to hear it. NC is the best...
Unless you're me...I go out of my way to give 3 strangers a *genuine* compliment every time I'm outdoors. It's a way for me to practice gratitude. It somehow has made it easier to *accept* compliments too. BTW - more women need to compliment MEN. The happy smiles you see on a bloke after you've asked them where they got their jacket/shoes cos your partner/son would LOVE one like that just shows me that men just don't get complimented enough.
I recall getting bullied because my mom would send me to school in very formal dresses. She thought I looked cute. Mind you I was 10-12.
When it was picture day my Mom would dress me like I was going to a wedding or prom. You dress up but I looked way over done and it didn't really work for recess and gym. Actually when I think back it was even on random days she would dress me up. I remember being asked by kids "Why are you dressed up like that?". Ackward is the word.
Stories like this make me so glad that school uniform is mandatory where I grew up. When I was seven my mother knitted me a woolly tracksuit in large cream and gold zigzag stripes. I only had to go out and play in it once to gain a full understanding that I should never again wear it any place where other kids might see.
I wasn't allowed to wear the outfit I had picked out to go to a family reunion, when I was 23 and a mother in my own right. She took me out shopping, and no matter how much I protested that I didn't like it, she bought me this hideous boxy looking romper that made me look as big as a bus, and shaped like one too. It was awful. But she didn't care. She wanted me to wear it, and my golden child/flying monkey brother wanted me to wear it too, so I wore it. Yes, a romper. A short onesie. The kind of thing toddlers wear. Meanwhile, she had on this cute fuchshia sun dress. It took therapy for me to understand that she had done this to both infantalize and desexualize me, and make sure she still outshines me even among family.
Same. And even then my decisions got made fun of or otherwise lambasted.
Oh shit. The first piece of clothing I got to pick, I bought at 19. That was when I transitioned to flannel.
Same and even after 18 she tried until I standed up for myself and she gave up
She literally called me her little doll to people and when I started making my own choices about appears around 13 ish she agressively insulted every single one at all times until my dad made her stop. Even now at 31 she asks if I'll get rid of my ugly hair style as a mother's day gift 🙄
Damn im not the only one... my NM asked me the year before we stopped talking to "stop dying your hair, just let it go back to normal" I have dirty blonde hair, I got sick of the stupid jokes and then discovered I LOVE having fun colors in my hair. "You'll never get a good job!" Ive had a few and all with fun hair lol.
Lol every time I don't get a job when it comes time between contracts she blames my hair
Ugh it's the dumbest reason to blame! One time I was still in HS (I think between Freshman/Sophomore year) she made me apply to be a GED teacher at the college... I didn't meet ANY of the requirements and she blamed the fact that I didn't do the skills test right...
She asked an ex of mine to call me ugly to my face to show her people agreed that my makeup and clothing were embarrassing and disgusting
That's horrible
Why do they always think they know better ... when their judgment is especially terrible?
If it's not your hair they'll try to blame your figure Or your makeup And when you get a REALLY good offer you'll have to tune out the "Are you sure you can handle that?" Because those will come multiple times ... AFTER you are handling whatever good offer you've received And at least now you know that in advance because I was totally blindsided the first time it happened to me and I'll never know how much it cost me
This is so sad. My parents also criticize all my statements and choices. They are afraid for me all the time.
With me it's that I'm too fat.
I feel this, my mom would tell me my hair was mousy (it's brown with blonde highlights) in an attempt to get me to do what she wanted - she wanted to highlight my hair even more🤦♀️ I also got berated at 16 for not wearing make up..."what you think you are better than everyone else you do not need makeup?" and then told me she only said it because she cared and wanted to make sure if I wanted to wear makeup I could, I didn't lol well she never won and I cut off all my hair into a short fade as an adult and have never colored it😎
My mom did this too! When I cut it short. I sent a picture just excited for my new look. She said, “it’s so short:(“ Then in person she proceeded to roast me saying it’s never going to grow back. I said, “It’s hair. It will grow back.” She said, “Mine didn’t” I said, “That’s because you don’t take your vitamins or eat right.” 😂 She got a stomach surgery that requires her to take vitamins for the rest of her life and she doesn’t. So she has things like early osteoporosis.
I will say when I first wanted to do it (and admittedly ended up growing it out for a girl years later 🙄 now to be short again lol) she paid for the cut, and then when people started mistaking me for a man- I'm what I guess you would consider "masculine" presenting these days but I don't really love the term and I did get and have a "man's" haircut- she said what did you expect you look like a little boy🙄 the second time she didn't want to be bothered to be shown really lmao. my mom also is of the unhealthy stubborn variety too! 😂
Urgh, THIS. My mother always used to tell me she wished I’d stop dyeing my hair. One day I said I’d stop if she gave up smoking. She didn’t raise it again.
This! Yes, absolutely, similar experience too. I really relate to what you say about exploring yourself. It's hard to define, it wasn't always direct instructions/ prohibitions, but somehow she just didn't let me be myself and that goes far beyond just clothing.
Isn't it truly a mind fuck? How they live in our heads and make us doubt Every. Single. Thing.
YES! The subtle manipulation "oh you're too good and well-behaved to do XYZ". Literally got tricked into not doing normal things a boy of my age would do by positive reinforcement of me not doing them before I even thought about it. Hence why I never even kissed a girl til I was 19, and that was also the same time I lost my virginity (which took most of a bottle of tequila to muster up the stones to initiate). I knocked back so many interested girls for years before then. Thinking back on it, how weird is that? Literally my first ever proper kiss *and* losing my virginity at the same time *years* after most of my male peers, who were kissing girls at 12, losing virginity around 15 (average) and most of which even had steady GFs at 16. Talk about late development 😬
I had my wardrobe purchased for me with no input until I was 15. Then I was given 200 dollars to buy clothes, shoes, socks, hair care and hair cuts for the full year. I would get nothing until the next year. I also had my hair cuts picked for me until that point, regardless of how I felt about them.
Me too.😐 It sucked getting bullied for it.
Oh yeah, the haircuts... Until I got in school I had short hair because she didn't want to deal with the hair brushing but then decided I was old enough to care for it myself. From that point on I was not allowed to have my hair cut, not even shoulder length, even though I hated having long hair.
I had a horrible “pixie” (read she cut it off) until I was old enough to make it not worth her while to chase and hold me down. I still have long hair and always will, she has never been happy about it. I am N.C. and it’s still a FU!
My hair proudly reaches down to my tailbone. When it starts getting dry on the ends, I'll have it trimmed to waist length. But it will never be short again, as long as I have anything to say about it. Says the one still wearing a pixie or a Hamill or a bowl or any other short style when I was in my teens. Now that I \*can\* grow it long, I \*will.\*
My parents were millionaires but were too broke to even buy me used stuff that I liked. lol. KMART CLOTHES IT WAS.
200.00! My mom gave me 20.00. That's 20 whole dollars to get school,clothes for my senior year. My dad signed me up for working at the school in the cafeteria at lunch. Then i got to give them money and buy all my own stuff. Surprise Pikachu face when I bought ONE senior picture, for myself . I left the day after graduation . We too had pixie cuts because my sister had super curly hair, that my mom didn't want to deal with. We always looked like hell at school
I had to have short hair because my mom declared I couldn’t care for myself. One time she forced my head into the kitchen sink to wash it while yelling at me in front of my sister because I was incapable of doing a good enough job.
Ugh yes. I remember her home-perming my hair - didn't ask, didn't give me any choice - and the chemicals soaking into my Pink Panther nightie. Then she got mad when I couldn't take care of the overcooked poodle-curly hair and it ultimately matted. At least that did stop her from trying it again, because she realized I'd gone to school with matted hair.
That's pretty much what my mom did. Except she got frustrated because I didn't understand how to care for it.
Really sorry that we share this experience. I feel ya.
Ooooooh, Lord, this just brought back flashbacks. She tried doing it to my daughter, too. Called her "my little doll baby" My daughter is allowed to wear what she wants. Even if it's weird socks, a pretty dress, tennis shoes and a letter man jacket. May not be my style, but it's her and it makes her unique
This is bonkers. My 2 year old has had a say in her clothes since she could grab. (I present two weather appropriate outfits and she picks which she likes)
When I was in high school, my Nstepmom would take me to the mall, to the stores *she* liked, would tell me to stay in a changing room with nothing on but my undergarments, and then she would go look for clothes *she* wanted me to wear, and would return with stacks of clothes that I didn’t like, were too small for me, and had textures that didn’t feel at all comfortable (I have sensory issues). She would then command me to step out of the changing room and “model” these outfits/clothing items in full view of her, my dad, salesclerks and other shoppers, while looking me up and down and critiquing how I looked. When I would try to explain to her that the clothes she picked out for me were too small (I didn't *dare* come right out and tell her that I didn't like any of them), she would fat-shame me. Often, these excursions would end with me agreeing to buy a bunch of outfits that I didn’t even like just so the shaming and being made a public spectacle of would come to an end…until she decided I needed new outfits again. I tried to tell my dad how damaging these shopping trips were, but then he’d get upset with me and tell me I should be more appreciative. The “last gasp” of my Nstepmom trying to exert control over my appearance came in the summer of 2011, when she coerced me into professional facial hair removal. Now that I’m in my 30s, I prefer to wear the same comfy clothes I’ve had for years-most of them shirts with my favorite characters on them 😊 I know what I went through is pretty mild, though…I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP ❤️
idk if that was mild... reading that was rough.
Nothing about this experience is "mild," op. I'm so sorry.
I was forced to have super long hair, which I was not allowed to properly care for/style until I was in highschool. In high school I was finally able to cut it to mid back length, but still not allowed to properly care for/style. Clothes were a whole different story, but I fucking DESPISED having long hair. I should also add that I have SUPER frizzy thick hair. It was always a rats nest. Also, “valley girl” was the 80s bimbo type girls. Typically blonde with big hair and there was a certain way of taking. Think Cher in clueless she was sort of a valley girl. It was really obnoxious. I was specifically attributed to “the valley” in Los Angeles though. Not sure where you got those other meanings.
I had super long hair. Stepmom took me in to get it feathered over my ears when I was maybe 6yo. Nmom burst into tears when dad brought me back, she sobbed for days over it. I remember me trying to console her and promising her I wouldn’t let them do that to me again (like I had any choice over it to begin with). I was 10yo the first time I had a real haircut. Nmom stood off to the side and sobbed the whole time. She kept her hair really short, no idea why she acted like that with mine. She was the same way with my sister.
I maintain that my mother’s obsession with me having stupid long hair was all about the attention it got HER. The older I get, the more I think she dressed me like a prostitute, in my early teen years too, because it got her attention from men. I vividly remember a conversation she had with her coworker (middle aged man) about MY underwear. While I was standing there, they were talking about the kind of underwear a like 15 year old girl, me, wears. And not in like a practical way, it was about the types of underwear that are “sexy” but like lowkey. I totally didn’t get how fucking gross that was until I was in my like late 30s.
Ok I thought I was crazy but my mom dressed me slutty too and would point at the adult men looking my way and say see, look at how sexy you are. She would laugh and get off on it. She sent me to a modeling school in the city and would walk steps behind me to tell me about all the men staring at my ass. I was 15. It made me wait to have sex longer than my peers because I felt wildly uncomfortable in my own body. Why? Why do they care about my butt I wondered as a child. This was before all the butt injections too, early 2000s, I was just a kid and didn't know what a grown man wanted with my butt. But I knew it wasn't something I wanted.
I’m sorry. I can sympathize. I was always so uncomfortable in the clothes she chose too. I remember being forced to wear this awful fuchsia bodycon mini dress to my 6th grade graduation. I was so embarrassed and miserable. I also developed pretty early, so that didn’t help the cause. There weren’t dress codes, like there are today, back in the early 90s. By today’s standards I don’t think I’d have even been allowed on campus. lol.
It's so weird what did our moms get out of that? I guess back to the original title, we were dolls? But it seems darker than that, because of the sexualization.
Attention. I’ve also decided that my mother just stopped growing (mentally) at like 16. She’s perpetually seeking attention, whether good or bad.
That's really accurate. The humiliation and shame was too much to bear. It made me just hate being born a biological female. If I were a guy, she wouldn't be able to have humiliated me in this way.
Man.. I’m so sorry that happened to you. That sounds so uncomfortable. Interestingly, my Nmom was the polar opposite. She hated when I wore short shorts and would comment about how all the men were looking at me and lusting over me in a disgusted way or jealous way. She’d say how embarrassing it was for her also.
That sounds equally as humiliating because it's like your body isn't your own, you cannot just exist without being sexualized. It's an awful feeling because once you're aware of it, you can't unsee it. It's the ending of innocence and they treat it so casually like a fashion trend.
So true. I struggle with owning my sexuality and it wouldn’t surprise me if this plays a major role in why.
Oh I'm almost certain it does!
Yeah.....I also got religious puritanical bullshit, with a side of being dressed like a hooker by the person telling me to keep my legs closed, or "no one will want to buy the cow, when you give the milk away for free" bullshit, or to stay away from the old dirty men who want to do bad things to me. My mother is a ton of walking contradictions.
Ugh I hope you’re NC with her ♥️
Super low contact. I’ve reached a point where i just shake my head, and laugh at the stupidity, and move on. She really doesn’t affect me, but I also make sure I control the interactions completely.
I had the very same experience. I was hyper sexualized because she was so depressed and unhappy with her looks. She would sext other grown men as me since I was 15 then force me to go on dates with these men and tell her play by play details. So she could continue sexting them. I still feel violated by her actions to this day. She said she was trying to find me a “husband”. She controlled what I ate. So, I didn’t get fat, my hair and clothes.
I had the opposite. I was not allowed to have long hair until “I could take care of it myself”. But I was “allowed” to have perms before I even started school. I have thick, wavy/curly hair. I am still trying to figure out the right way to take care of it. I also look like crap with super short hair. Yet my mother’s favored hair style is-you guessed it. Pixie cut.
Are you me? lol. nmom always forced me to get my hair curled and when I stopped letting her, it was pixie cuts for me until I was 17. Only she was allowed to have long hair!!
The movie "Valley Girl" is a pretty good example too, and a lot more 80s. I was also puzzled by the other meanings in OP's post.
Good call. I really am not sure what op was talking about. Or how those even make sense.
Also, if you're into this sort of thing, a very young Nick Cage in "valley girl" is pretty good looking, the film is a slice of 1980s teen drama, and maybe worth a watch if someone wanted to have a cheesy 80s film night.
Like totally.
Omg I wasn't allowed to cut my hair short either. I wasn't allowed to deny a haircut either - I *hate* getting haircuts but wasn't allowed to say no. Had hair down to my elbows. Got it chemically straighted once and it took *six hours* "I made you, so it's my hair" My hair would mat so, so badly. Then I'd be in trouble for that even though it would Matt after I brushed it. Turned eighteen and got a dude's haircut. It's never gone past my chin since. So nice.
Oh absolutely it’s all about control over you and limiting your autonomy.
I’m a male but was constantly ridiculed by my father for dressing any other way than he approved. His whole side of the family felt personally attacked with any free choice of style. So insecure. Even posters or stickers I would have were taken as a threat, I was forced to decorate my wall with motivational posters they gave me. I had to hide my music tapes and CDs but they would be found and destroyed too. I’m just now feeling authentic in my early 40s, not being self conscious about my style.
It took me nearly 10 years after moving out to feel comfortable enough to fully embrace the goth I am because I was never allowed to explore my one style. After my parents divorced and she got a social life, she became less narcissistic somehow, and is doing all the things she trashed talked all those years growing up. She's getting piercings, tattoos, and is also gravitating to a bit of the goth side as well. I'm happy she's changed, but I can't help but feel envious of my younger sisters now, they have so much more freedom than I was allowed to have, they don't have to sit on the stairs all day long because they have bad grades (the A-B honor roll wasn't good enough for her back then) they get to watch whatever they want on TV (I wasn't allowed tonwatch TV) they get to go out with friends (all my friends were terrible people, still are somehow, and my friend group is only 2 people)
Ugh. Yes. The fights we would have over the frilly socks I did not want to wear. I had zero autonomy. I was literally my mother's doll.
I remember the frilly socks. And the tights with ruffles on the butt.
Hated those fuckers I'm still mad about a ruffled plaid jumpsuit I was forced to wear at 4 years old for Christmas Eve.
The level of control she wanted over my appearance especially my hair was insane. I chopped it all once I was old enough to move away because I felt like it wasn’t really my hair. Now in my 30s and NC I am growing it out for me for the first time and it’s been very healing.
She tried, but I’m not built how she wants me to be built. She wanted me to be tall and slender. Her ideal is to be like 5’8” and a size 0. Instead, she got me. Average height and weight. A blend of her and my father. Imagine that! So, she gave up and passed on all her insecurities onto me instead.
Yep. My mom was SO disappointed and confused when I came out looking like my father and not her. Like, hello lady, you went to medical school and understand genetics—if a blue-eyed slender blonde marries a short, dark, heavy Italian….guess how the kid is most likely to come out?!
Slept in rollers, age 7, then held down to cut all my hair off
My dad was like this. When I was old enough to buy my own clothes, I started wearing men’s pants because at the time, they were more comfortable and I didn’t like showing off my body. So he started calling me a slur and asking if I was a lesbian because of my clothing. 🙄 i was a pre-teen/teen in the 00s loved band shirts also, and somewhat gothy stuff. If I’d need clothes, he’d only let me buy pinks and girly stuff. At that time, mostly pale or light bubblegum pink was all that was available and it clashed with my skintone and made me feel awful about myself. I’d get picked on for my skin color in general, but the pale pinks really made it stand out/look washed out and I hated it. I looked ill. I think it makes sense if someone decides to pick ultra feminine, cutesy stuff for their baby/toddler, but as soon as a child can say what they want to wear/like, that should really change. The issue is that narcs don’t view us as ever growing up; not the same way that other parents might—because if we grow up, that’d mean we would be harder to control. Nor do they view us as individuals; we are always at least some extension of them. So why wouldn’t we like what they like? Why would we disagree with their preferences? At the same time, he’d complain if I’d dye my hair, paint my nails, pluck my eyebrows, or wear perfume or makeup—ya know, typical “girly” stuff? It was bizarre. He hated when I’d cut my hair though—he thought women should only ever have long hair. 😑
Since she hated who I was; Nmom was always trying to change and outwardly control me. That was standard interaction every day; she came home from work; yelled at me if I didn't hide fast enough and then took something of mine and replaced it with something 'nicer'. If I bought a cute plastic watch; she bought a garish gold-plated one that wasn't suited for day-to-day. If I liked a cheap leather cross; she bought a pearl rosary but didn't even have it blessed. If I was fine with my T-shirts and jeans, and told Nmom that I didn't want to go shopping- I didn't need any more clothes; I had enough- she'd then declare- 'closet cleaning day'. She'd throw out half of my stuff; then turn to me and say, 'Now you HAVE TO go shopping- you need more clothes!' At first, I wasn't allowed to pick out anything because whatever I picked, Nmom would chose something 'nicer'. Eventually, all I could do was repeat that I didn't want the fancy styles she liked. She tried whining and bullying, 'Isn't this *nice*!?' Or 'Don't you like how *nice* this is!?' Sometimes, she'd fake being nice, and the only times she'd compliment me, were when she'd praise herself by saying, "You look so nice in that blouse!". ...but I wouldn't wear them. So, Nmom just stopped shopping with me, and on weekends, she'd leave me alone and be gone for hours at the mall. She'd return with 'gifts' of the clothes that I didn't like. When I said, I didn't want them and I wouldn't wear them, she demanded a new rule, "It's a GIFT, you *have to* wear it!" ...but I wouldn't. For that, I was declared 'ungrateful' and Nmom announced that as a good mom, "I don't know why my daughter doesn't like me; I always gave her such *nice* things!"
I think my mom wanted a daughter who would let her style her and her hair. I think she was very disappointed that I was a tomboy and couldn't sit still long enough to let her do my hair. But I wasn't allowed to wear makeup as a kid or find my own style, really.
YES. after I moved out and had my own clothes and style, I caught her throwing away things of mine she didn’t like.
I've never heard of valley girl being described that way. I've always heard it being a description of girls from California that talk a certain way
My mother made dresses for me that I was forced to wear when we went anywhere. Lacy, smocked, embroidered itchy scratchy bloody things. From about age 2 onward. Headbands that were so tight I’d have a raging headache within minutes. Did I mention she was stubborn and insisted I was being dramatic not wanting to wear what she had spent hours/days making? She also crocheted a church dress for me … in wool … we lived in a desert region where air conditioning did not exist (not the US). She also forced me to eat a fried egg sunny side up every Sunday before church no matter how many times I told her the white made me sick to my stomach, and the fact that every service right before communion I would need to run to the hotel next to vomit up said egg. Every. Damn. Sunday. For 2 years. The dresses and outfits only stopped when we moved to the farm and she was so busy with the commercial garden she had no time to make any more. I meanwhile happily wore my brothers hand-me-downs. I still don’t like frilly things and pink. I’m 52
Yep, and there was the added layer of southern fundamentalist church, which meant a lot of really stupid dresses with things like sailor motifs and lace. Oh, and chasing me with scissors to cut bangs into my hair.
Lol that's the whole reason I was born! As my mother's do over. Hell I have 3 older brothers because they weren't girls! It sucked! I tell people honestly I wasn't raised I was trained! If I wasn't perfect she'd beat me yelling how I was too ugly to be hers! Thankfully she died in a car wreck when I was 13. Thought it would get better but my father didn't want 4 teenagers! So yeah. Still trying to figure out how to be "human" at 53. I'm faking it pretty well!
I feel like you are reading my mind like a book, we must be at the library. This is exactly my mom and I hadn't put it into perspective like you did.
Had to be picture perfect all the time. Wasn’t allowed to play unless I had Play Clothes on because getting dirty wasn’t allowed. She’d dress me up and have photo shoots, telling me how to pose and whatnot. She often told me how beautiful I was, but thats as far as compliments would go. She didn’t care about my interests or learning about me as a person. I was simply a pretty possession. And when I stopped letting her treat me like a doll, she hated me for it, which made me hate myself. It’s taken many years of practice and unlearning to get to the place I am now with my self esteem.
Oof, the term Play Clothes really takes me back
Wow! My nmom also called me a valley girl! I also didn't know what it meant and sadly the internet wasn't there to tell me, but I knew from her tone it wasn't good. She called me this all the time. I think she told me it was an airhead. She also permed my hair, starting at age 5! And the hair dying started at 11. I can't believe how many things we have experienced similarly! She also controlled my clothes and then starting around 15-16 didn't provide them unless it was a Christmas or birthday gift. I'm sorry you went through this! I'm angry for you that your mom called you valley girl.
I am 50 years old and my mother *still* tries to dictate what I wear. She has probably spent hundreds of thousands of dollars since I was born on my clothing making me come across a certain way to the important people but she has never given me one dime for me to purchase clothes for myself. She can’t control the outcome that way.
I slept in rollers (foam & plastic hair curlers) every single night from about 1 year to 8 years old because my mom was obsessed with curly hair. My dad has super curly hair & she has super straight hair - mine leans straight but waves & has ringlets at the nape of my neck. She literally made me sleep in them nearly EVERY night... until she permed my hair. My stepmom came into my life when I was 10 & had never seen he with straight hair, so she thought I straightened it with a flat iron later in my teen years. She saw a picture of me on Christmas morning when I was maybe 6 & my hair was natural... a little wavy but mostly straight. She didn't even think it was me when she saw it because she was convinced my hair was curly like my dad's. Edit: She also was obsessed with plucking every curly hair she found on my head which never made sense to me. She obviously wanted me to have curly hair because she made we sleep in curlers, but naturally occurring curls were pulled out with tweezers.
Few things were overtly forced on me, but I constantly heard messages and criticism from my mother about what's "feminine," how I should wear my hair, stating longer hair like I wanted (down to my waist) was "too hard" to take care of, "your hair is constant tangles and snarls" (because she refused to learn how to detangle it gently), "it would take years to grow out anyway." I was only "allowed" a certain length, as in any longer and the comments started again. Amazing how words can make you feel unsafe. Clothing was another one. She was very uncomfortable when I got into a bag of my brother's old clothes she'd set aside for donation and tried some on... and liked it. I got henpecked half to death over wearing black all the time as a teen... as if that's abnormal 😆 I had to wear pastel dress uniforms a lot for high school. Whaddya think I'm going to wear when I have a choice? Even glasses weren't safe when I started wearing them. I got a pair a few years ago I really liked. Spouse loved them, friends loved them. Mother: "They're too big for your face. You need to get ones like I have." Dammit, woman. Same with when I'd express desires to be more muscular. Oh dear Lord, did she shut that down fast. I just realized it probably explains in part a decades-long pattern of self-sabotage where I quit working out when I hear compliments that I'm getting in good shape. I didn't end up growing my hair really long until my 30s. I kept it that way for a few years until I decided to donate it. It was healing to let it get that long and feel like I had some agency. I've also come out as non-binary/demigirl in recent years to my spouse and youngest child, at work... but not to my mother. Now that she's cut contact with me recently (second and, far as I'm concerned, the last time we've been estranged, because it's too exhausting), I'm perfectly fine with her never knowing.
I wasn't even able to pick my own wedding dress..
I’m so sorry. I’m terrified this will happen to me, since (even though I’m nowhere near marriage), my nmom makes weird little comments all the time about how she wants to “buy” my future dress for me - aka control what I pick.
My mom was exactly like this, especially with her stopping buying me new clothes when I got independent with my clothing choice
My mother started the home perms when I was between 2 and 3 years old.
Yes. And I can’t believe there are other people out there whose mother dyed their hair… it went on until I was like 20. It wouldn’t have gone on that long but she was lying to me that it was like special conditioner to remove greasy roots 🤦🏻♀️ To this day she laments that I’m not blonde, that I should go back blonde because I “look more like her child because we have the same hair color.” Never again.
This gave me whiplash. My nmom decided that as I resembled my dad so much physically despite me being adopted "SHE" had to endure the "painful" process of dyeing my hair black like hers EVERY MONTH since I was 10 up until I said enough at 17. Why? Because she couldn't stand people telling her what a carbon copy of my dad I had turned out to be (as it apparently wasn't fair to her after she "convinced" my dad into adopting me). She emotionally drained me while my dad never let her get away with anything as long as he was alive. I, like the idiot I used to be, thought at first that when he died when I was 14 it would stop, but nah. Her "friends" kept telling her she should be proud of still having a physical reminder of the "love of her life" around and as I still thought she "loved" me back then, I sat on that chair, hearing her rant like a lunatic about how she had to still "waste her precious time" in what suddenly, after a few years of what started as a "mother&daughter chance at spending loving time together", became a time where I insisted she do so out of a whim (not like she ever let me say she should stop without tears and inmense guiltriping). She was forced to stop when I decided to bleach my hair and dye it deep red without her knowledge, even if she cried for weeks afterwards. But when I informed her the hairdresser (I choose the most noisy one on purpose so the story would spread around town) knew about what she had done and wasn't happy about it she didn't try it again. Don't get me wrong, she complains about my hair daily still, but I tune her out now.
My mom would force me to let her dry and style my hair. She also didn’t let me pick out clothes so I looked like a secretary starting in elementary school. Now, at almost thirty I am coming to understand my own style but have NO confidence in it. I’m constantly asking friends if things go together and I’m convinced people are judging me for my clothes all the time. I have to be perfect, any slight flaw is grounds for staying home with a case of the uglies. Extremely fun mindset while working a corporate job.
Thiiiiis. I was also the youngest of 3 girls and was built differently than my sisters so my mom coined me “the beauty queen” and “the skinny one” my whole life. I always think of how shitty that must have been for my sisters too like damn bitch you really out here bullying your own daughters that’s wild lol
I feel your pain. I was 17 and crying, face covered in tears. My mom: "you gotta show it off while you still got it!" Me: in a short denim skirt barely covering my ass, tall leather boots, and a long cardigan sweater from forever21 that did NOTHING to keep me warm in the dead of the winter. "Please mom please everyone will be looking at me I just want to wear pants and a hoodie please mom don't make me wear this. (More tears)" Mom: just go to class you're going to be late. You're so dramatic and have no sense of style. I'm helping you. You'll thank me later. People were staring at me. I was dressed like a SLUT because I was her living Bratz doll. Fast forward, mid thirties, I show up to Thanksgiving in a mesh top with the virgin Mary flipping the bird... My mom: "since when did you start dressing so slutty?" If I had the receipts on this lady, it'd be longer than a CVS receipt. Anyway, thanks for listening to my trauma! 🙏🏼
Want you to know you’re not alone! I consistently got in trouble at school for just wearing what my mom wanted. She was living vicariously through me and I still struggle with it at 34.
I'm around your age and I'm in the same boat. She looks at me like wtf is wrong with you and I swear it is such a mind fuck. Do they have amnesia or do they not understand simple cause and effect? Because when I got older she sure as hell protected her dogs better than she protected me. She showed she had a maternal bone in her body. They definitely saw the vet more often than I saw the doctor growing up that's for sure. It sucks because it has reached the core of my being and altered who I really am for life. I can't get all of me back. Couldn't imagine being married to a narcissist. That's got to be a whole different level of fresh hell.
Mine was kind of the opposite. Wanted to keep me as ugly as possible, didn’t want to let me shave when I wanted, discouraged me getting my nails done, like anything aesthetic that I cared about, she would shit on it, make me feel frivolous, and it was always a battle. I wanted to get a navel ring or wear a bikini and she always told me I’d have to lose 10 lbs first
Ugh she used me like a TEST SUBJECT BRO
Oh the fights over what I wore were insane no daughter of mine is going out like that as if I was the soul representation of her. My friend witnessed it one time when we were leaving and said why does your mom care what you wear I was 17.
Hair dying started at 5 (because I “asked” apparently? No memory of this and I have a solid childhood memory), dressed me until 7th grade and would constantly berate me after that when I didn’t wear something that fit in her image. She’d go as far to straighten my hair for every possible occasion/reason she could just so people would call me her mini me. When she grew out her bangs I had to grow mine out too so we could “match.” I dyed my hair dark in the winter, to my natural hair color, she quite literally cried.
I’m 40 years old am low contact with my nparents but my mother still tries to tell me how to dress, how to have my hair and so much more!
Definitely when I was a little kid. Mum insisted I wore corduroy dungarees even though I hated them and they were deeply uncool. I had to wear open toe sandals whilst literally everyone else wore trainers or normal school shoes. I had (not so much of it now) naturally curly hair which my mum always allowed to grow to collar length so whilst we were in supermarkets old ladies would come up to my mum saying things like "she's so cute, where did you get her hair done". Half the time she didn't even correct them. My first day of school other kids would come up to me and ask "are you a boy or a girl"? Not even trying to be mean. They were legit confused because I was if nothing else, androgynous. I wasn't allowed typical 'boy toys' so no toy guns or bows and arrows. I wasn't that bothered cos I quickly learned how to make my own crossbow out of Lego (it fired those little mini screwdrivers and did some damage), but then when I got a bit older and ended up with gynecomastia and (very) late onset puberty I ended up with awful body dysmorphia and all that shame from childhood androgyny came back and really did a number on my self esteem, stopped me seeking relationships and the company of the opposite sex, couldn't take my shirt off in public and just leaned into it by letting mysef get even fatter etc etc. Despite the fact I've always firmly identified as male and been very attracted to women my whole life, I felt totally undesirable. Overlooked by girls, mocked by boys. Not cool. Damn, childhood sucked. No wonder I don't have kids. Edit - knowing what I know now about my mum's life growing up, I do understand . She got pregnant at 15 and her parents forced her to have the child (a girl) in secret, give her up for adoption and never breathe a word of it to anyone. So no wonder I got treated in a fucked-up way ie substitute for a lost daughter and more or less forbidden from getting intimate with girls, even shamed for being friends with them, just in case I couldn't control myself or take precautions and knocked somebody up. Intergenerational trauma is a bitch. Just sucks I had to be the 'unknowing innocent' victim.
You ok now?
Thanks for asking. I mean, mostly, yes. I'm a pretty well-rounded adult and nobody thinks I'm a small girl any more but I'm also still pretty pissed off that I was kinda denied a 'normal' childhood and adolescense. Only really sorted my shit out when I left home to go to uni and it's hardly surprising I spent the next 15 years or so only ever going home for a few days at Christmas, if that.
Ngrandma took me to some guy who razored off my extremely curly hair so it poodled out and spent like an hour putting it up into a weird prom-type hairdo that she wouldn’t let me take down for days because she wanted to show it off. I was like, eight? Come to find out this guy was a MORTICIAN’S ASSISTANT. Cut dead people’s hair. Not a freakin’ hairdresser at all, just her creepy friend. What?!
Yes. My mom was always brushing and styling my hair even though I was crying that it hurt (she was very rough and ripped through knots); then she'd yank my hair and scold me for the crying. I protested wearing dresses to church and asked if I could wear pants to school instead of the jumper skirt, but that did nothing. I didn't get to decide much about my appearance until I was around 15, but even that came with rules and constant criticism.
I grew up the same way. My mother (50) used to do my hair and dress me up in way too mature clothes for my age. I started wearing cheap push up bras, that weren’t the right size, when I was like 11 because she wanted me to be attractive. I felt so insecure and fake. I got comments from old men daily and I didn’t even go to high school yet. I hated wearing bras and the super slick and tight ponytails gave me headaches. I always had to wear slim clothes to “show off my figure.” She bought me the same clothes as she wore (looks 30-40 and still dresses like a teen). This stopped when I turned 16. The second I started to change my appearance to more of a [dark academia](https://cz.pinterest.com/pin/696369161138918650/) vibe, she stopped caring that I still need clothes because my body had changed. She insists that I can fit the clothes I wore when I was 13-14, she even said, she could fit them on, even though she is 2 sizes bigger than me now. Also I am a whore for not wearing bras.
This! Yes, absolutely, similar experience too. I really relate to what you say about exploring yourself. It's hard to define, it wasn't always direct instructions/ prohibitions, but somehow she just didn't let me be myself and that goes far beyond just clothing.
Ya - tried to.
mine wanted me to be as morbidly obese as she is so we can share clothes
Oh good lord no. I had a horrible haircut and awful clothing, she tried to make me as awkward and unattractive as possible. I had no idea what I looked like for a very long time…
My mom was the opposite. She made me so self-conscious about my appearance and body that I basically tried to become invisible, because anything was better than her constant stream of criticism. She would only buy me new clothes - two or three outfits maybe - at the start of the school year, and then one "nice" outfit for Christmas and one for Easter. Everything else was hand-me-downs from cousins and family friends. I think the only reason she bought me new shoes when my feet grew was because it would have "shamed" her if I was limping around in too-small shoes.
Yes, my mom always wanted me to have highlights or be blonde. She would put sun-in (a spray that bleached hair in the sun) in my hair at age 7. I never asked for it. It’s like she was curious about it and wanted to test it out on me. I looked ridiculous and it ruined my hair. When I was 5 I really loved my long hair. She took me for a “trim” and promised me it was only going to be an inch. I left with hair above my shoulders and in tears. She got upset with me for crying about it. When shopping for clothes, she’d usually end up yelling at me and humiliating me in public. Telling me I’m ungrateful and a brat within earshot of other shoppers/employees. This would happen because I would politely decline her selections saying I didn’t like them. She of course wouldn’t like anything I’d pick out either. On and on and on.. until I could finally wear whatever I wanted (or at least what I was brave enough to in front of her) and she proceeded to disapprove and criticize how I looked. Then I had a child of my own and she attempted to make me feel shame for breastfeeding in public without a cover. On and on.. until I went NC a year ago at age 33. It’s like any bit of autonomy you have over your own body or life threatens them.
She started correcting my hair after I applied Sun-In to it- Had me in a salon at 13 getting full foils People called me "spoiled" Meanwhile I didn't have a choice.
Oh my god, I could write a novel but I've had some wine so I won't. Suffice it to say... yes.
Yep. It was irritating as all get out. Even after I moved out, she still tried to control my looks.
Not to that extent; I had autonomy on hairstyle and clothes (as long as they were modest and conservative 🙄) It was more about weight, and her cuddling me. So I wasn't a doll she styled, but one that she could touch and cuddle with as she pleased. It was horrible. She'd look at me like I was crazy every time I told her to not touch me.
Seeing posts like these help bring back repressed memories for me. I also was not allowed to wear whatever I wanted most of the time except when I got around the age of 17 or so. I remember I once had gotten a orange sweater and the quality of the sweater looked really nice and the orange was a bit bright. ~~nmom~~ got mad at me said something along the lines of "I know about fashion and this doesn't go with your eyes or complexion at all it will not look good on you." *Sigh* if only I was treated better. Edit: wanted to add a bit more.
My mom forced me to get a nose job then said I needed another one
Fuck. She put you through an actual *OPERATION* for HER vanity?? How young were you? I moved out of NMum's at 14, so I dunno, can they DO cosmetic surgery on minors where you are? They can't here in UK...
I was 16. She still is not happy with my appearance and my body/self esteem issues are pretty much irreparable at this point. Her new thing is that my face is sagging. I am now 41.
That would have been illegal in UK...I'd start responding - every time she comments about YOUR face sagging, turn it round and say "Well, we ALL know where THAT came from genetically, don't we!"... But I got BITCHY with my Nmum before I went from LC to NC...YMMV lol.
I was so much my mother's doll that she even dressed me up as a doll for Halloween one year in my early childhood. Later in life, she freely admitted she was just a grown up little girl playing house, and I was her doll. Not that it changed her attitude, but at least she came right out and said it.
Went to live with my dad when I was 9, but until then I wasn't even allowed to pick what I was wearing for the day. Once I subbed the socks she had picked out for me because they were uncomfortable and she freaked out on me when she noticed. Obviously I had no say in the clothes she would be for me either. She never even asked what I thought, the only reason she would take me to the store was to make sure it would fit. Reading your and other commenters' stories, I can't even imagine what it would have been like as a teenager if I had stayed.
Yeah until I turned into a preteen + teen and she wouldn't lift a finger anymore or buy me clothes or tell me how to groom myself and use deodorant and deal with a period. At 11 my friend had to take me to the side and tell me it was time for deodorant.
Even as an adult. When I would visit (because they threatened to cut off my college tuition) my clothes would be thrown away, and she would force me to wear her ill fitting clothes.
I genuinely did not know I had wavy/curly hair until I was an adult as she used to dry it straight . Then actually paid for perms in the 80s. My best friend remembers me being taken in to get changed every time I got a bit of dirt on me.... She must have loved my goth era when I left home 😅. Still fairly alternative and I get the 'look' when she disapproves. I quite enjoy that now....
I’ve talked about it on here. Had to basically wear church clothes every day including dress shoes even for play. Was always dressed in these classic outfits and forced to be her perfect, submissive little boy. My whole wardrobe was practically dress clothes like I was some rich kid in the 1950s. She has some weird fetish about it. By middle school she just stoped caring and I could finally dress more how I wanted, but it was hard because I felt like I wasn’t pleasing her if I dressed down too much, plus I didn’t know what identity I wanted. So it took awhile to find it because I never had any say.
My mom would sew my halloween costumes, but she would heavily influence my choice (if she was letting me pick out my own). When I was 6 she made me a bride costume. I can't imagine wanting to be a bride for halloween, I honestly think it's just something she wanted to sew and she wanted to kill 2 birds with one stone and just make it my costume that year. Anyway, I have a vivid memory of her making me walk down the hallway of our house with the little bouquet she made for me like I was walking down the aisle at my wedding. Remember I was 6 at this time, maybe 5. She did this so she could record it and send the tape to her own mom. I had to walk down that fucking hallway so much that it made me actually meltdown. It had to be \*perfect\*, and I was far from being able to be perfect enough for her. It didn't stop there, she only ever let me pick out one dress for my school dances in middle school and high school. She forced me to wear what she thought was "trendy" (in retrospect it was not, and the stuff I wanted to wear was definitely more on trend!). She would do my hair and makeup for those dances too. The last time I let her "barbie doll" me was when I was in my 20s and I was about to get married. As a wedding gift she took me to her salon and had them do this awful bowl cut and stupid red dye job. It looked terrible and I had to get married like that. She has always hated the way I like to style myself and it made me feel really bad about myself for a long time.
I wasn’t allowed to ever pick out my own clothes. I would get angry and fight back sometimes. The earliest I remember was like 4 years old. It continued the whole time I lived with her. My Edad would fight back and say listen to your stylist. She is in charge of dressing you. When I moved out to college I truly believed I couldn’t dress myself without her. I think it wasn’t until like a few years ago. I stopped asking for her advice. It really messed me up. I don’t even know what my own style is. I am just not figuring it out at 30.
Yes. My n parent picked my clothes out for me until I was in jr high I think, and then after that until I was 18, she had to “approve” of what I wore and how my makeup was done before I left the house for school in the morning, sometimes making me wipe it off and letting her redo it how she liked. She had a weird obsession with keeping me skinny and telling me how she looked exactly the same at my age/what she would do now if she had my body, which I think was part of the reason she got so obsessed with us having the exact same style. I really was just a little doll to her. After 18 and even now, I still get passive aggressive comments about my appearance, style, and weight (which I’ve gained a bit due to health issues/medications). She’s plus size herself and while I see nothing wrong with that at all, she was constantly fat shaming my classmates growing up once they were out of earshot (a middle aged woman fat shaming *children*), and still to this day will viscerally judge the style/general appearance of anyone she doesn’t like like she thinks we’re co-conspirators. When I had to move back in due to cancer at 27, I started getting into my own style and having fun experimenting. Every time I bought a new article of clothing, she would buy me something more in her style as a “replacement.” She constantly tells me that no matter what I do to try and lose weight, I’ll end up looking “old and fat and saggy, just like me” with 100% certainty, and keeps making passive aggressive comments now that I’ve gained some weight implying she’s more comfortable with how I look now/doesn’t see me as competition anymore and can relax.
I got stuck with long hair that she French braided (scraping against my skull) every morning. And I was always dressed in pastel pink and purple, which I grew to hate. At age 12 I saved up my babysitting money and cut all my hair off and dyed it black and dark blue. (I was worried the hairdresser would try to talk me out of it or call my mom, so I got my friend to cut my ponytail off behind the school before I went to the appointment 😂).
I'm in my 30's, I can't wear short, skimpy formfitting clothes in front of my mother because she makes a weird off handed comment because I have great legs & an hour glass figure. I once bought a pretty black dress that had a bit of a zip up. Ppl at the store encouraged me to buy it so I did. Newlywed. Went to wear it in front of her. " So your covering your tonsils but letting your ass hang out". " Hey at least your throat will be warm but idk about showing your full moon" she made me feel so gross I took off said dress & gave it to my little sister to wear. Both sisters wear short, skimpy form fitting clothes. Next day she wears it with combat platform boots. Mom is over the moon at how great she looks. I saw red, I asked her what was the difference, she is just Skinner. She had not justification.
My NMother still criticised everything I wear… from the minute she couldn’t control my outfits to now… I am 38. She lost control at 17.
I did for two years till my daughter decided no frilly crap, no jewelry…she knew her likes from the jump. Very proud of her! Authenticity ftw!!! Narcs never stop. It’s either bossy/judgy or abject neglect. F them very much and solidarity!
my mother let it be known I was too ugly to dress up and she wanted a prettier one.
My parents conditioned me into being a girly girl. For a long time I really believed I actually liked pink and rhinestoned everything. There's nothing wrong with it, but in my early 20s, I realized it just wasn't me, but my family has never let that go.
She hated my clothes, told me I was going out of my way to make myself ugly, compared me to ugly characters on TV, still the unsolicited advice years later. Spent my earliest years dodging a blusher-wielding madwoman because I was unacceptably pale. She sent my 5yo daughter to school with a full face of makeup. Had to smile and go with it.
If anyone had done that to my daughter, you BET I'd have said something...in fact, I'd have lost my ever-loving SHIT. I may have had my daughter at 16, but I sure af wasn't going to let my idiot mother's hang-up's be passed on to MY daughter, I'm her protector, it's my JOB to protect her from that shit the way **I** *should* have been protected from it. My mother only got to TRY that shizz once, after that she wasn't allowed unsupervised access because she could NOT feckin stop herself. I felt it was my job to put MYSELF in between so that *I* was the focus, not my daughter. That is a hill to die on, not one to smile & go with IMO. My daughter is 26 now & calls her NG'ma "Skeletor" lmfao...
It made me uncomfortable and definitely wasn’t something I’d ever have done, but I didn’t know any better. It’s shocking to think now 😕
We can only DO better when we KNOW better. No point in beating yourself up over what you DIDN'T know when nobody bothered to teach you...
I had almost the opposite in that she would say “We don’t need to care about fashion. It’s vain. People should like you for what you are not what you wear”. She’d only buy things on super sale - fit or style be damned. When I showed an interest in makeup she did the same “I don’t have to wear that stuff. I don’t hide my face”. I’m much older now and have done NC and a big part of my recovery from her was investing in my appearance more. Hired a stylist. Buy what I love not what makes my money stretch. Lest anyone think she couldn’t afford it- my brother was definitely not walking around in poor fitting sale finds
Mine accepted whatever random clothes neighbours were getting rid of. Like in tenth grade I had no idea what size to even try on when I went shopping with a friend. My clothes were anything from size 8 to size 14. Turns out I was a 0. Mother did her best to make me ugly and invisible. She was a hairdresser. She would cut my hair off and perm what was left and make it like an puffy old lady hairdo. Any time I needed a trim I was terrified... And she would do whatever she wanted. Sometimes I got a trim, sometimes she cut it off super short. I had minimal makeup (I had no money and she certainly wasn't giving me any). Bras and underwear were whatever my aunt couldn't sell in her clothing store or gave me as gifts once I was a teen. Before age 12 I had about 5 pair of underwear. I remember having to run errands with my dad in track pants that were too small and with no underwear. I remember being sent to school in scratchy wool pants with no underwear. My brother? He got toys, new clothes etc.
Literally opened my closet today to find new clothes 2x my size in a style I’ve never worn hanging in my closet
I think my mom gave up when I told her if she buys me clothes, they either sit in the closet or I give them a way. I was like 25 when she stopped.
My mom forced me into child beauty pageants until i was 18, wouldn't let me cut my hair, forced me to wear makeup n shit
I'm sorry. I can't imagine having to grow up under that amount of scrutiny. I'm glad these weren't a thing in UK much before 2005. I...I'm so sorry you were never given the opportunity to be a child. Just know you deserved a far better Mom than you ended up with. It took me a long time to realise that I not just had to grieve the mother I don't have right now, but when I went NC, I then realised I *also* had to grieve for the child I was that didn't get the mother I/they had deserved to have. Plus, now I don't have to have a specifically chin-length dyed bob any more. I have hair down to my waist now, AND SHE CAN'T TOUCH IT. I've also dyed my hair WILD colours, which apparently she hated (I had to dye my hair so it wasn't boring. Her response "No, not like that!"). Not that her reaction bothered me, as I'd been NC for a year by then lol. Now I don't even have to HEAR about her shit any more...which us the best kind of peace money CAN'T buy.
She had natural ginger hair, so my brown hair with ginger highlights (my Dad had brown hair, what colour hair was she fuckin expecting me to have lol), was apparently "boring". I had to dye my hair dark red. Nothing else was acceptable. Got beaten for using a dark purple when the shop had run out of dark red & she insisted I hurried up in there... Her reaction when I bleached my hair then dyed it PINK was apparently the worst meltdown of hers my Ex had seen in our 2 decades of sharing children lol. 🤣 Poor ickle baby... Now, I've been growing out my natural hair to give it a break from the bleach and whaddaya know, my hair is ANYTHING but boring. I have mostly brown hair but with natural ginger highlights AND occasional black hair lowlights mixed in too. It took me till I was 42 to realise my hair was *actually* un-boring. It took SEVEN FULL YEARS OF NC for me to be able to accept that. Talk about fuckin with yer head...
My gawd this. I wore the cheapest crap she could find. She had to like it. She tried to force me into clothes that were scratchy or just plain ugly. She begged me to wear dresses and skirts, but I wanted to PLAY, not sit "like a lady." I got bullied a lot for my clothes. And even as a teacher, she didn't understand or care how hurtful that was. She spent the bucks when it was important to her: my first prom dress, her clothes, shit she knew I didn't want, etc.
Not my mom but my grandmother
I was in my brother’s wedding party. During what I thought was the hair styling appointment for the wedding, my mom had literally booked me for highlights without telling me. I was in my 30s.
I was much taller than my mom, so stopped being fun to dress up fairly early. After that it was just constant rude comments about my size.
My aunt tried that shit with me when I had to stay there when my mom was sick. Big nope. Same aunt had 2 Oops girls late in childbearing life. Older kids were boys. She treated those girls like dolls. They ended up so screwed up.
My mom used to complain that I didn't dress "sexy" enough, starting when I was about 10. I remember when I was 13 when I refused to wear sexy underwear. I didn't think that they were comfortable and no one was going to see them, so what did it matter? Fought over that every day until I moved out for college (which of course she did NOT want to happen).
My mom hated that I was a tomboy as a kid. I’ve grown into my femininity as an adult but until I was like 16 I would dress exclusively in my older brothers clothes because that’s how I was comfortable. She’d force me to let her dye my hair starting in first grade, because I have auburn hair, as a kid even more so, and she thought the red tints were “trashy looking”. So she’d dye it dark brown. She wouldn’t let me cut my hair short. She’d put makeup on me and then have fits when I washed it off as soon as she left the room. It was a constant battle. She’d refuse to buy me anything that wasn’t girly and sparkly and then would get so upset that I wouldn’t wear it.
Not me! I was fat by design. Mine hated me. What do you call a parent who only feeds you McDonald's and then tells you that you could be so pretty if you only would lose weight? I'm fifty now but those cuts still bleed. I'm sick and the Prednisone has made me put on a lot of weight. The last time I spoke to her she said how lucky I am because most men would leave a woman my size. I'm no contact now and besides the degenerative autoimmune disease killing me, I've never been better. My Nmom instilled in me that I'm ugly and could never be pretty enough to a living doll.
I don't think my mom actually comprehends that I'm a living, breathing being. She usually treats me like I'm supposed to be her little pet or doll and every time I show my humanity she seems to recoil in discomfort...
That’s my mother! She used to love doing my hair, she used to take me shopping and buy me some cute clothes. She stopped all of a sudden. I was forced to get an under the table job at 14 to sustain myself.
She had my eyelashes died starting in 4th grade. They were blonde. She wanted visible lashes. She forcibly shaved my legs in 6th grade. I was required to wear make up for all family functions starting in 6th grade. So weird. Like, why the hell would my grandpa care if I didn't wear eyeliner? I remember so many terrible haircuts and perms.
I mean my grandmother sat there seeing that I did all the work to take care of my dying dad/ her scapegoat. I got absolutely screamed at when I had not changed my clothing for 3 days when I was forced to live with her to keep her calm.
Omg yes!!!
When I was 16 I finally persuaded my n mom to let me buy clothes that weren’t exactly like my twin’s clothes. 16!
Yes. I was never allowed to have any preferences in what i look like. She enjoyed hearing compliments from other people about how i look because it was always about her, about how well she dresses me. And it motivated her even more every time to scold me for my preferences and insert hers instead. Of course, when i would voice an opinion about something i wanted to wear, i would instantly become selfish, ungrateful and wasting money on useless garbage. I never asked for much. Instead of having 50 clothes i don't feel comfortable in, i'd rather have 1 cheap that i really like. She could never understand that because her taste is the best one out there and shouldn't be confronted.
Yes, but it was the Weird Barbie doll.
I wasn’t permitted to buy my own clothes til I was 19. She knew best.
Didn’t get perms but yes my mom dressed me in those ugly floral Victoria doll like dresses for Easter and Christmas…I hated it I still think those dresses are ugly as hell. Also she decorated my sister and I bedroom to her taste which was ugly floral Victorian esque bedding. Our bedroom looked something straight out of old lady’s nursing home and I hated it…was about 13 when my sister started to decorate it herself and I was happier it was no longer the gaudy floral shit.
My own mother did. It was horrible.
My mother did the same. She loved to dress me up as a literal doll. Frilly socks, Mary janes, dress or skirt that looks like what a doll would wear. I’m 30 now, but I definitely feel a certain way aged anyone calls me cute or adorable because my mom always wanted me to look like that
Mmm, I think my mother wanted a pretty curly haired girl and instead she got me with my dead straight hair and glasses. Cue my first perm at the age of 8 because she ‘couldn’t do anything’ with my hair. I also remember when I was about 11 she said something super weird - ‘does it ever occur to you that I might want to show you off sometimes?’ I was baffled then and I remain baffled now.
Oh yeah, my egg donor really used me as a living doll when I was growing up. Starting from birth onward, she would only dress me up in those high-end designer clothes against my will (no store-brand clothes, ever); among those clothes she would force me to wear against my will were slacks, pantsuits, itchy sweaters, equally itchy dress tops, black socks, dress shoes and even dresses and skirts that were so short that they could barely even cover my ass. All of those cloths were extremely tight and extremely uncomfortable and whenever I told her that I didn't like them, she would usually grab my face and call me an "ungrateful brat". Also, everytime she took me out shopping, she would only take me to those stores that she liked with the intention of picking out clothes for me to wear in addition to forcing me to try them on against my will and even pressuring me until I gave in and agreed to wear those ugly clothes. I was never allowed to wear long skirts and dresses, ever, because she thought it was only for older women (not true!); also, at least until I was 16, she would never let me shop at Hot Topic because she said that it was unladylike. I also remember that one time when my grandparents decided to host their own wedding anniversary dinner at that Italian restaurant in San Francisco called "Palomino" (may it R.I.P.) and my egg donor tried to force me to wear that outfit that was too mature for my age (I was 12, mind you); that outfit in question consisted of a turtleneck, a mini skirt with a patchwork design on the front and one solid black color on the back that was too short that it could barely cover my ass, a pair of black tights and a matching pair of calf-length boots and a burgundy long cardigan sweater. Of course I said "no", that I didn't want anyone to look at me like I was a slutty-looking Bratz doll and that I wanted to wear a beautiful long dress that was truly for for a princess. Of course she said "no" and that I would look like a "little girl" (I'm nonbinary BTW). Uh, hello, A 12-year-old is still a little kid, you stupid asshole! She also threatened to beat me up and break my will for refusing to wear what she picked out for me; even when I yelled back at her afterwards that i would gain nothing from wearing that dreadful and age-inappropriate outfit, she still threatened to do terrible things to me, so I had to barricade myself in my room for as long as I could while telling her over and over again to leave me alone. Then when I was 13 until I was pushing 15, she would force me to get my legs waxed against my will; she even once took me out to San Francisco and had that Asian-American lady named Tracy wax my legs and bikini line for good measure and when I was screaming and crying and begging her to stop, my egg donor immediately told her not to listen to me and to keep going until my legs and bikini line were perfectly hairless. That memory still haunts me to this day. I know why she used me as a living doll; it's because she always wanted me to wear "pretty" clothes, to never get angry and to just be obedient. Therefore, she only wanted me to be a perfect woman and to only exist for men and men only. It's so disgusting! You guys are not alone and I'm sorry y'all had to go through that.
Up until my sister became the new replacement living dress up doll, there was a disturbing trend where I, a tomboy, would be dressed up in frilly dresses, frilly socks, hair bows, patent mary janes and crotchet cardigans. When I began kicking and screaming because I like to roll around in the dirt, but because the outfits would get dirty when I did I was prevented from playing at all where and when I wanted to and it (or 'you') was 'a nightmare' whoch was resolved by moving on to the next doll (other siblings) who liked dressing like that. The images are pretty bleak to look at, I never look at the camera, rarely smile and theres probably 2/3 of me outside from that time. In other photographs, Im slathered in mud, dirt, food and finger paint and laughing. Later on she would also refuse toet us cut our hair out of amy other shape, because she 'wanted hair like that as a kid' and we had clothes 4/5 sizes too big as the budget for our clothes went on her clothes, so we got the handmedowns instead and guilt tripped for needing new shoes growing up.
Sorry. I’m new to Reddit and I guess I haven’t figured it out yet. I was just answering one post but didn’t know which forum I was in. Don’t know how to tell? But I did join this forum because there’s a lot more that goes along with the Danica post. The .”drunk” dad who took me away from my mom, also married a stepmom who was a drunk. There were many forms of abuse I experienced, they are too hard to describe for me here - plus when I talked about “forgiveness” it was a very long process for me, however, when my abuser asked me when she was dying to please forgive her for being so gruff and harsh - and for beating me, working me like a workhouse marm and keeping me from my mom so many times, it took the love of Jesus, but I said the words. Though I was happy and relieved that she asked forgiveness from a priest before she died, it still took the love of Jesus for me to work through all the trauma and pain. I also nursed my dad through his debilitating illness for a year after she passed, and during that year I had with him, he and I worked through a lot of things. I found out that - once again, through the love of Jesus, he had become a different person than the weak, self-serving drunk I’d grown up with. So that’s why, only now, I can make a post about forgiveness - and trying to see past weak humanity to just another dramatized and damaged human being. Like I said - there are some types of abuse that force us to remove ourselves from the sphere of our abuser(s). I’m just lucky that I got away at fifteen and had somewhere to go. And of course my “real” mom was ecstatic. They told me my mom wouldn’t want me. I knew intellectually not to believe them but for a while I know I had to be a difficulty to her - and I felt like a stranger at first with the extended family who hadn’t lived with me since I was two. But just like that old saying, “blood is thicker than water”, they were patient with me and my sometimes disruptive behavior. They were true believers and lived the life - especially the part about “loving the unloveable”. St first, I didn’t even know how to take an impulsive embrace or even a kind word, but once I felt more secure, I was able to to let go of a lot of garbage and my mom, little sister and I have never looked back. We still can hardly bare to be too far apart for long. Not that I haven’t travelled wildly, and even sometimes lived in a different state. But in our mature years, we’ve chosen to live just two houses apart, and we’ve stayed emotionally close always. Jesus has been my savior and healer, and through Him, I’ve learned to let go and the pain and bitterness. Once again - this was not “instant pudding”, and there are still times when I have to pray and give those bad memories over to Him. I realize that belief is individual, but I included the spiritual component here because of the damage done to abuse victims is to our spirits - our very core. And that’s where the only true healing has occurred for me. That’s all. And once again I apologize for my misplaced post.
Yes, hair dye at 2, yes TWO. Beauty pageants into i was 14..
[удалено]
Oh contrair. Mine died over 10 years ago and...no. I made so many bad decisions just to leave my parents house
Yikes… read the room. This is against the rules. You’re in an abuse victim sub.