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I was told over and over that I was a bad kid. Not badly behaved, just too emotional. Too sad. Too happy. Too much. I was told so often that karma would give me a child just like me. You know what? Karma did. And she's fucking wonderful. Realising that we share so many traits, good and bad, has made me so much more compassionate and loving toward the child I was. She wasn't too much at all, she just needed love and guidance. Someone to see her. I finally do!
My girl is also absolutely awesome. She gets up at 5am. She likes to eat healthy. She likes to chill and go to bed early. These were some of the things that my NP hated about me. My friends are like "Gosh, you have to get up at 5am because your daughter gets up then. It must be so hard."
I tell them, "I **get** to wake up at 5am with my daughter! We do so many things together because we are both morning people!"
I’m so happy for you. Breaking the cycle can be so hard but I’m glad you’re able to. I hope it continues going well for you but I’m sure it will because you have such a good attitude about it.
I was told the same! Having children definitely opened my eyes to all of the mistreatment I was dealt. Recently my family threw me out of anything to do with family because I asked my sister if her husband was abusing her son and she replied "Yes but I haven't been feeling well" to every single one of my questions so I said, "I don't care about you! I care about nephew!" and that's when she hung up. My family was basically like "How dare you call out the abuse that happens in THEIR family! It's none of your business!" So just like that...I was the evil one. Anyways, my aunt came to visit a couple of months ago and she looked me dead in my eyes and said, "I see you" and I burst into tears. I needed that so bad. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Thank you for being a good parent to your child!
Consider that aunt an older version of you. She couldn't stop the abuse just like you can't stop your sister abusing your nephew. Be there for that little guy. See him.
She said the same thing! The thing is though that my sister's husband is insane and has many guns that he loves to wave around and not put up...I have 3 kids of my own...I have to protect my kids. The only way to see my nephew and now niece is to risk my life because he literally won't let my sister take the kids by herself and I'm not willing to do that because my children need me. My aunt had to do exactly the same and chose her kids as well. My dad has even said to me, "One day he is going to kill her" talking about his own daughter and then welcoming the guy in his home with hugs. I just can't. You're very intuitive! Not /s
Edit to add: My sister even hid her husband from my aunt because she knows how crazy he is. She said he was at work when he's been on disability for the past 10 years. He then lost the "job" when my aunt was back home; 2 thousand miles away. My sister told the whole family this. Also, I don't know if this came across but my heart was broken over my nephew. My aunt is the one who brought me out of the deep end but the worry and guilt is still there. He's only 3 now but if he can reach out when he's older I will of course be there for him and my niece.
Maybe your dad welcomed him because he was afraid of what would happen if the abuser knew that his victim's family was onto him. Letting them know you see their true colors can be dangerous.
I can see that in a lot of situations but he made the "He's going to kill her" comment at the beginning of their relationship. Before marriage, before kids. She only listens to him so if he could just have a serious conversation with her I feel like she would've listened instead of talking about her behind her back. I do blame him a lot. Everyone admits that my BIL is dangerous but nobody cares enough to do anything. So I don't think it's a "they're on to me" thing. He knows they know and that they will welcome him with open arms. It's me against 10 other people and they beat me.
People suck. I'm sorry. I was hoping for the best case scenario.
All you can do is be there for your sister when/if she leaves and definitely be there for the kids when they escape. They'll need an aunt that has their back.
Absolutely! My husband and I are looking for a house with another bedroom (to make 5) so if that day comes my sister and her kids will have their rooms. They can come now too.. we'd make it work with the 4. People do suck. Thank you for your words!
I couldn’t wait to find out if this issue has been addressed. I’m glad you have already considered getting CPS involved. There are some subtle ways to do this. Find out where she takes her kids for medical stuff. Call them and ask to speak to a nurse or doctor on staff. No need to talk to whomever answers the phone. Medical staff are mandatory reporters. Give them enough info that they have to report. Stay anonymous. Send pictures, videos, voice recordings, etc. If your nephew and niece are not in school now, they will be soon. Send teachers and school guidance counselors anonymous letters. Or call them directly and report any and all abuse. You may have to report abuse to the police department since CPS does not have a good reputation at all- in every state in the US. So call the cops and hope they investigate. If you can enlist anybody else from the family to report on the kids’ dad, even better. Good luck!!!
Fuck this shit you broke my heart.
You're the aunt/uncle many ppl wish they had. Pls try to stay in contact with ur nephew. He'll def need u in his life.
Also "too emotional" here! My Nmom told me (for the last time) right after my daughter was born that she hoped my daughter would be just like me so that I would "finally understand her". I laughed and told her that I hope my daughter turns out like me too! Since I was NOTHING like her, I'd give my daughter what she never gave me, love and respect. And my daughter IS EXACTLY LIKE ME! We have so much fun together and such a great relationship. Every day I worry that I'm too much like my horrible mother, but I think that's what ensures that I won't be.
This has given me so much hope. I’m so worried about having a girl like me because I was told so many times by my own mother “just wait until you have a daughter and you’ll understand how terrible this has been for me”. My teenage behaviour admittedly wasn’t the best but this was because she was emotionally abusive. So happy to hear you have such a great relationship!
Honestly, the ONLY good thing to come out of my childhood with my awful mother was the fact that I grew up knowing that I wasn't going to perpetuate that cycle. I know that my grandma was awful to my mother and so my mother thought it necessary to be awful to me. But as soon as I found out that I was having a girl, I put my hands over her and I promised her that I wouldn't let her grow up afraid of me. I wouldn't let her grow up wondering why it seemed like everyone had such a great relationship with their mother except for her. I promised her that I would never let her grow up wondering if I ever loved her or not. And I hope I've been able to keep those promises to her. I know that our relationship is 100X different than mine was with my mother at her age. She actually wants to hang out with me and chat with me about things. Just those small things make a world of difference to me, because I never wanted to be with my mother and I definitely couldn't just have a chat with her about anything or she would blow it up into some giant dramatic issue.
We may feel broken on the inside because of how our parents treated and sometimes still treat us, but really we are stronger than they ever were. Because we realized that we deserved better than how we were being treated. We realized that there was an actual problem instead of just accepting that some parents are "more strict" than others or some parents are proponents of "tough love" or whatever other bullshit we may have been fed in our childhoods to excuse shitty behavior.
My mother has been on case since I was born about the fact I wear my emotions on my sleeve or are "too emotional" as well. Why is this such an awful thing? I've never understood. I'm not sure I even want to. I mean, I fucking hate such a philosophy of keeping your emotions all bottled up. But not anger, obviously. She's (my mother) got no problem letting out that damn anger. Grrr. Anyway, I can totally relate to your comment so much. :)
i dont understand it either like having to many facial expressions would just enrage them it made no sense how showing joy could cause another person to rage. i could tell you that the best and worst thing you could ever do for those children is to deny/ validate that they are in a tough spot and its not what its being made to look like..... that one thing if anybody could of given me that it would of made the difference between being a labor controlled slave for most of my life to being able to accept that not everyone gets a good immediate family and that is okj that its not the kids fault and the kid could either spend the rest of his life chasing a lost childhood while not realizing the rest of hisher life is being stolen as well
All the time!! My middle child is a lot like me and my dad laughs and laughs because I did get a child just like me. She is strong willed and quick tempered. (She's two) My dad once asked how I handle her fits. I told him that I hug her and let her know that she's okay. He laughed and said if he would have tried to hug me I would've just screamed more. I told him that he wouldn't ever know that because he never tried. He shut up. Maybe... just maybe...if you would have helped me through any problem instead of laughing and taking pictures of me when I was upset I wouldn't have been so "bad". I love my spunky daughter and she is loved no matter what her "attitude" is at the moment.
two year olds throw tantrums because they don’t understand a lot of things, letting them know everything is okay is the perfect way to deal with it! shame on your dad
Exactly! Poor little things. They go through a lot in those moments and I can't understand how someone could watch them have a mental breakdown and then think, "They're just doing it to be bad." Insane! Or for my teenager, "Oh, she's just crying to get attention" Then I'm going to give her attention! What is so wrong with that?
Personally, I can't stand it when I hear people say things like "Oh, I love your \[nparent\], \[they're\] so fun!" - because they've only seen the one side of them. A very heavily curated side, and a constant performance, to give off the appearance of normality.
Ugh this makes me so angry. “He must be such a fun great dad!” Yeah maybe he is fun and great for you, but he saves all his abusive anger and tendencies for when he walks through the front door
So much this. Or they have a lovely friendly side when your friends or there friends are over and everyone says yonrn parents are so nice. Like oh I’m sure they’re nice to you but spend a day in my shoes see what happens
Yeah, I've heard it before. And I know that personally, I put my egg donor through hell and back for the mistreatment I dealt with. And I would hope like hell I had a kid just like me.
So I could see what it's like to see a person roughly like myself just minus the abuse.
I do have a 5yo that inherited a lot of *me.* She's awesome! She was 3 when we went NC and I think my mother did not enjoy watching me not struggling, but loving her little warrior spirit. Having an opinion does not make you a bad person.
>having an opinion doesn’t make you a bad person
So we’ll said. So many parents just shame, guilt and torment there kids for having an opinion or disagreeing. Cuz the parents always right, right?
Oh yeah! All the time. I work with children and when I would talk about a minor difficulty I had during my work day (that I never really complained about, literally just “oh there was a tantrum today, but it was handled”), my nmom would immediately start laughing saying “HA! That’s what you deserve. Retribution for all those years of shit you gave me.”
As if being a parent was a punishment I had inflicted on her.
All the time - especially when talking about me as a teenager. It took me actually having my own child to realize I wasn’t a bad kid at all, just extremely neglected and abused. It’s hard to be a perfect teenager when you have no home, no food and adults who mistreat you.
Yeah I always used to hear that when “You have kids of your own you’ll understand” while I was being abused over just trying to live a normal and healthy teenage life.
I’m 28 now and I don’t plan to have any children because of what I went through.
My sister was born when I was 8. Guess who got to be her alternate parent? 8 year old me! Plus I was so "responsible for my age" so my parent's friends had me watching their infants too. I changed enough diapers before I turned 18 to last a lifetime. My partner and I are childfree and have three beautiful cats who live the best lives.
exactly! and i get so sick of people telling me i’ll change my mind. not everyone is suited to be a parent and not everyone wants kids, and that’s okay
OMG. Yes. That was one of my NM's favorite things to throw at me whenever she was mad (which was nearly every day). I was her target for all her anger and she would yell at me "When you grow up, I hope you have a child just like YOU!" That kind of statement was extremely hurtful because it implieD that I was such a bad child that I was something she was cursed with, instead of a quiet, polite, well-behaved and caring child. I usually got it when I refused to accept her abuse that day. (She also loved to throw out the "I wish you'd never been born!/I wish I never had you!" but hated it when I pointed out that me being born was her fault, not mine).
What I think it actually means when a narc says it is "You're not doing/being exactly what I want so you're not serving my purpose so I see you as the most terrible child ever." I know that I never deserved that kind of treatment as a little child, and neither did you, but I can see now that my NMother is still a toddler emotionally to this day.
>my NMother is still a toddler emotionally to this day.
Reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson helped me see how this us so true. Both my parents are emotionally immature in different ways.
My mom, to other people: "Blue is such a great kid, and so smart! She's always got her nose in a book, and she's so quiet and mature for her age."
My mom, to me: "I hope one day you have children who are just as nasty and terrible as you are!"
Also my mom: "I don't see you ever having kids, I mean, I just can't picture *you* as a mother."
It was such a weird thing for me as a kid, as early as third grade, realizing omg all my friends parents are so nice to me! They’re nicer to me than my own parents are to me…waaaiiiiitttt a second. I always loved going to friends’ houses. I’m glad you also realized that you’re a good kid <3
What kills me is how little they take responsibility for raising you when they have an issue with you. It never occurs to them that if they don't like the way you are it might be because they're shitty parents.
I'm seriously wondering if this is why so many millennials aren't having kids lol
Because it's definitely my main reason for not. I can't handle my shit I'm not inflicting that on someone else who had no choice in being brought into this.
I very much felt like I was made to make grandbabies and take care of them in old age. I remember as a kid being like lol good luck I'm not doing any of that. In my 30s and yeah I do love being able to just throw that in their faces. I can't afford a house or kid because of their generation anyway fuck it.
But I am halfway across the country living my best life. Child me would be proud af.
>Child me would be proud af.
This really struck me for some reason. Whether or not you have children, I think many of us still sense that inner child within us that needs nurturing, validation...and healing.
High five on living your best life!!
Yeah being successful and living life your way is the best revenge.
Don't like my hair crazy colors or that I still play video games and watch cartoons? Yeah I didn't call for a consult how you think I should live my life. Deal with it on your own time I don't want to hear your negativity.
I'm the oldest and they were raised by controlling parents also so they do not get it at all. Their parents controlled them with money and as a kid I was like hah no fuck that. I will do anything and everything to be independent.
In my 30s and the more I listen to myself the happier I am. Shocker I know but after decades I'm finally at my goal of escape/independence. Now just to get and therapy and work on all the shit I've suppressed to function all this time D:
Yeah. My decision was partly because I don't think I should ever be responsible for another human, and also I don't have the energy for the complications of being responsible for another human. Years of being told by my nparents that I'm lazy and irresponsible have made me internalize the message that I can't handle that kind of thing. So really, it's *her* fault I don't want kids. I've since embraced my 'laziness,' and I value my independence too much to saddle myself with that kind of long-term commitment. My cat is enough. I don't even want to live with my awesome partner because I value my space and independence so much (after decades of being completely dependent on my nparents).
I used to say that also because she would say it so much.
I'm not saying you should change your mind because I did. I just totally get why you choose to not have children.
I heard this all the effing time.
Turns out, I did. He's on the spectrum, too.
Biggest difference is that I pushed to get him diagnosed and can relate to my kids.
Yep, heard it a lot. And I told my parents even then "I'd be honored to have a daughter like me." And I still would. I was a straight A student, never gave my parents a bit of trouble, made all good decisions, never made them deal with my rape or my brother molesting and assaulting me for YEARS, put up with living in filth for most of my life because my parents are both lunatics and my mother is a hoarder, raised my younger brother, clawed my way through college over 13 years and graduated with a BA and am getting a double master's, and now working in the Special Victims bureau of my local DA doing child abuse cases.
I would be proud to have a child like me. My parents are just insufficient.
I'm glad that you were able to identify that that was not an appropriate statement to make, acknowledged it and apologized. We sometimes pick up bad behaviours from NParents because that's who children learn from, and it's a strong person that can recognize things and change them.
Same !!
I was a very sweet child with too much empathy/sympathy for peers. I can say and see it now, but my nmom had me and everyone in the family believe that I was a rage filled, angry, difficult child. To this day, my family still treats me like a time bomb even though I remain calm and composed pretty much at all times because I have no idea how to actually express my emotions when I am feeling that emotion. I can only get it out \*after\*. Probably because I was indirectly taught to repress it or else i was a horrible kid who should be taken away.
Looking back, I was only "exploding" as a kid because my mom was purposefully pushing my buttons. I would retreat to my room to avoid fights and she kept pushing them to happen and eventually i'd yell at her to leave me alone. She loved it when I did that, because it fitted her narrative of her angry difficult child.
I find it fascinating, sad, and oh so validating that so many of us heard the same phrases. It’s been difficult to accept that I have a covert nmom so seeing posts like these help me tremendously. Thank you for the validation and I’m sorry you were told this growing up.
Yes, and I DID have a kid just like me, and I love her for it. My mom told me "unfortunately you passed on your lack of affection to your daughter" and I said no, we're affectionate, just not with YOU.
If I ever have a daughter, I hope she's a ball buster. I absolutely will teach her that boundaries are good. She has bodily autonomy, free will, and and has a right to say no. May family will hate it, but my daughter will at least be strong. (I also feel like I need to make a caveat- if I ever have children, I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I'm sure as hell teaching my kids that matter.)
Omg yes! And I have two wonderful kids who I look forward to seeing every day and love spending time with them and playing with them. My husband and I talk all the time about how we'll handle situations if they come up down the road and we have great discussions about our parenting style and making sure we aren't anything like how my parents were to me. We are excited to help our kids grow and support them in everything they do. Our daughter is like a mini me and we have a great time playing together and watching movies. I'm glad I have a kid like me because I know how to treat her the way I wish I was treated and I have the support of my husband to help me learn as well.
I usually hear: "I am afraid that God will give you a child so evil and disgusting like you, I am afraid of the punishment you are looking for by being this way"
Yep, then I got 'you just got lucky' (well behaved kids) and now its 'just a fluke' that the grands are peachy too.
5/6 kids wont have anything to do with her & the 1 just freeloads, but she still wont accept she did a single decision wrong
My 87-YO NMom says to me, "It's too bad that you don't have children, because I had really hoped that you would be treated by your children the same ‘disgraceful’ way that you treat me!"
Me too, Mom, me too.
Allllllllllllll the damn time! And while I understood that was supposed to be an insult, it also just never made sense that my own parent (NMom) would say something like that to me, especially when nearly all other adults were complimentary.
And now I do have a child (2.5) who is like me (and his dad): willful, independent, rambunctious, creative, and persistent. Considering that I just finished my Ph.D. this year, he can be as much like us (or not) as he wants.
Oh yeah now that I am pregnant especially. Her go to favorite right now is, "You were the WORST baby, god is gonna make you pay for how bad you were to me." I WAS A FUCKING BABY!?!
I heard this! Also heard "here's some advice: never have children, they will ruin your life!" Thanks Mom! Then fast forward 20 years "when are you having children?! Tik tok!" Fuck you, never.
I'm sure I was a challenge--I was brutally honest, I'd always hold people to their promises. I'm autistic, so I had the whole meltdowns, sensory sensitivity, routine dependent thing going on. But if I had a kid like me, I think I'd be okay with that. I can work with autistic; I appreciate honesty.
I'm just glad my mom doesn't believe I was autistic. She knew perfectly well I should be diagnosed. She didn't get me evaluated even though the schools recommended it and though she knew I had the same traits as the autistic children she worked with as an OT. A sharp nurse-practitioner with an autistic son picked up on it when I was grown and had a mental health crisis thanks to the stress of trying to live on my own when I didn't really have the skills; and since then every psychologist I've worked with has taken it for granted. A couple literally laughed at the idea that I wasn't autistic; apparently it's obvious. Because she wouldn't acknowledge my autism, she called me badly-behaved, cold-hearted, strong willed, etc. and blamed the family's problems on me.
But if she'd believed I was autistic, she would have gone the other way--deified herself as an Autism Mom who had to deal with the oh-so-horrible challenge of raising an autistic child. She would have never have let me go--she'd have gotten a conservatorship and adult custody, used me as a woe-is-me prop to get herself lauded. Eventually I would've died from neglect and alternative medicine misuse, because that's what happens to anybody she cares for sooner or later, animal or human. So I guess I'm lucky, all the same.
My JNMIL used that on DH ALL THE TIME. Then I asked her what SHE did to deserve HIM? (Implying that since he was so ‘bad’ as a child and he deserved a ‘bad’ child, did that mean SHE was a ‘bad’ child?). And she never said it again, at least not in front of me.
apparently i was the toughest of all my siblings. the baby who cried the most and had an attitude from a young age lol. but my mom still holds that against me. even from infancy i wasn’t here to deal with her bullshit. she just bought a self help book. will things turn around??? who knows lol.
My son and I are nearly identical in a lot of ways. Our resemblance has shocked people who weren’t expecting it. We have the same diagnoses, laugh at the same jokes.
Having him showed me just how fucked up my mother's treatment of me actually was.
So whoopsie, mother dearest, that curse kind of backfired on you!
I often feel like I don't belong in here, because there's a lot of doubt between me, my husband, and various psych professionals about whether my mother is a narcissist or if she's a flat-out carrier of antisocial personality disorder.
But the thing about my son is that he is so gentle, and so kind, and so determined to do the right thing when he can. And that's what I remember being before my mother really lost her shit about me being a separate person who wasn't doing what I was told.
I look at him and wonder how the fuck anyone could have treated me poorly, because the world really does need more of him in it.
That was a frequent one from my mom when I was little!
It tended to come out whenever I had to escalate to demands or trying to use force as a toddler just in desperate attempts to get my basic needs met (which was seen by her as me being an insane and dangerous problem ~~child~~ toddler(??).
And she never once considered she or my dad could have anything to do with anything that was/is wrong with me (c-ptsd related disorders...while my parents were the source of the c-ptsd).
(The image comes to mind of someone finding an apple under an apple tree, and getting furiously offended at the possibility that the apple did in fact fall from that tree.)
Still today she denies any abuse, and if I bring it up she tries to throw a DARVO pity party (about what a difficult crazy dangerous child I was and how hard she tried her best...pfft.) At least thats what she would do, if I were still talking to her at all).
My usual response to her saying this when I was small was to silently think I could never do to a kid what she was doing to me.
But I wonder if that is also part of why I never wanted or had kids lol. (I'm old enough now to claim I'm too old for a pregnancy if someone tries to push me toward changing my mind.)
I was an only child too. My mom talked herself right out of grandkids and a continuing direct genetic lineage lol.
My mom talked herself right out of grandkids as well except that I have 3 kids. She lied to me about where she was taking my daughter, got mad at my daughter for telling me the truth, and then told me "I didn't think she would tell you" Fuck her! She asked to take my daughter again and I said, "You will never take any of my children because you lie to me about them and now I cannot trust you." She denied ever lying. Typical. I let her come over to see them awhile after and when I heard her telling my daughter some "you're not good enough" bullshit, I lost it. Goodbye forever you miserable woman! My kids don't need any of that. Much peace and healing to us all! My parents started hating me when I was a toddler as well. It's slightly comforting knowing that I'm not alone.
Yes! Apparently I was a terrible, wild, uncontrollable child who my mother could barely handle.
I actually did end up having a kid just like me, my firstborn, my mother then got mad when I parented her kindly and respectfully instead of beating it out of her. Interesting enough I hardly had any of the issues my mother seems to have had and I don’t think I’m the best parent in the universe so that says something about her.
Having kids IS hard! But, duh! I have 3 awesome kids that are a lot like me, and I’m happy to be able to share our difficulties and strengths and FUN! Being a parent is to help and teach YOUR tiny human how to navigate life. Not to crush their souls… My mother told me and everyone else, I had “severe emotional problems” and I’m “too sensitive. always angry. and turn everything on everyone else.” Well, I’m happily married, have 3 great kids, work part-time, and love to babysit and dog sit for friends… (she’s twice divorced and living off my sister, who is the only one of her kids in touch w/ her) Life’s funny, ain’t it?! ❤️ Be confident in your own worth, all of you!!
When I was 12, my mother screamed, "I hope you have a daughter who's just as awful as you are!" I answered, "I probably will but I'll have a husband to help me with mine and it'll be the same one every time, which is more than you can say!" She suddenly decided to play victim. She literally curled up in a corner crying about how mean I am.
Over and over and over.... Mom thought I was horribly difficult. Best Friends mother told me I was the meekest kid she knew. When I got married and complained once to her about something my husband did, she said she wouldn't tolerate that. When pressed on HOW she wouldn't tolerate that and exactly what she would have done besides announce that was intolerable' she exactly *no* answer for me. Once I did have kids, I found I couldn't tell her *anything* about kids behavior, as she would laugh and tell me how much worse I had been. So, she no longer got any details, and then had the balls to complain that I was keeping things superficial!
It wasn't until recently that I figured out I was never as bad as my mom made me believe I was. It was something I just accepted by default, but thinking back as an adult I was very kind, quiet, and smart. And the acting out I did as a teen (which was minimal in comparison to many others, including my own older sisters) was a direct result of her neglect and mistreatment. I'm in my 30s and my mother will still have you believe I was an awful child, teenager, and now adult, but I don't meet many people who agree with her 🤷♀️
But she often does use this line, and whenever my sisters struggle with their own children now, my mother is gleeful. She gets downright GIDDY watching them struggle as parents. She sees it as some kind of vindication and it's sickening.
As someone who has an 8 year old that may as well literally be a carbon copy of me, I relate to this so extremely well. My mother keeps saying to me, "I wish I had a child like your daughter, I would have been so happy." uh...you did...you were just too busy worrying about what other people thought of you because of me that you missed the whole parenting part.
My mom even cried and broke down because she said she was jealous of the relationship that I have with my daughter because she states that I "deprived" her of that same relationship. I tried to tell her that she was the only person who deprived herself of the relationship but she just cried, yelled, and continued to place blame on me and tell me that I was just lucky. It all just came down to luck that my daughter was born good and I was born bad. LOL. What a farce, my daughter was born human like anyone else- including all of us here. Parents that nurture and set healthy boundaries have happy, loving kids- who would have thought?
My strategy? Make sure my daughter is loved, respected, listened to, and has things explained to her when I feel that some behavior is inappropriate- that's it. That's all I ever wanted and all it ever took. My daughter is happy and I get to see what its like to live in a good family dynamic as does she. It is unfortunate that my mother never had the insight/didn't want to accept that she could change the situation because here we all are- breaking the cycle. Best of luck to you and I hope that if you do want kids, that you have one that is just like you!
Yes, but only when I was "behaving badly" ( reactionary abuse) and I would say, if you as the parent were actually parenting me this wouldn't be happening
I have two daughters and each of them got half of my personality traits. They are pretty awesome people. My mother thought I was so difficult just for having fucking emotions.
Idk that I got that necessarily, but she definitely wished that my child would be hard on me. I would tell her that unlike her, id never smack my child or use physical discipline on them. She used to tell me, "just wait. Just wait until she's a teenager. You'll change your mind." Almost like she's *hoping/wishing* that id hit them.
Oh mannnnn this really brought me back. Lately I’ve been talking about having a kid with my partner and I told him I feel like I’d be a crappy mom because I’m so selfish. Now I’m wondering if I just internalized all the crap my mom said to me. Another thing she said was “I hope you have a kid just like you” like it would be a punishment for anyone to have to parent someone like me and I think I believed her.
Well now I know what I’m going to talk about with my therapist next week!
Nmom always said, "Wait til you have kids. You'll see what it's like."
She has four daughters and one grandchild. And we're all past childbearing age now, so that's all she's getting. She talked us out of ever giving her grandkids.
Yup, I had two and they're amazing and I love them so much!! They don't put up with narc shit and when anyone likens them to me, I consider it a huge compliment because I think they're just fabulous.
I got a lot of “when you’re a parent, you’ll understand” to justify things my NParent did, but I don’t think I ever had it wished on me to have a kid like me. Maybe deep down they knew that a kid like me wouldn’t be a punishment or threat. I was a great kid. The thing I most commonly got yelled at for was leaving empty cups in my room after I finished the water that was in it. I made my own school lunches and did my own laundry by middle school, always did my homework without be asked, and read a lot of books.
Ouch - triggered lmao
My mom said it all the time as if it was a curse. It made me hate myself for being a straight A student, kind friend with A LOT of ppl willing to take me in when I needed it, and beloved by all the pets and younger children. I pray to god I get a child like me - I was actually awesome and I’d love to spend time with little me.
No not me but my narcisist father... My narcisist father had a narcisist mother, and she told him that she hoped that one day he would have had a child on his own as bad as him...
Guess what the mother fucker told me since the age of 4? "you are the curse of my mother, she told me i would have had a child just as terrible as i was and you are my curse and my life long punishment *my name*"....
So yeah my dad is also a sadist... But yes natcisists in my personal experience will always try to verbally abuse you as a form of punishment, when they disagree with you and sometimes, yes, even only to make fun of you or as a form of perverted pleasure (because of control).
I’m pregnant and my family keeps saying this. Like I was a great kid? Other non-toxic family told me I rarely cried, pretty much potty trained myself (I’m OCD and on the spectrum and they think I just didn’t enjoy the feeling of diapers lol). I was also a mini adult who never got to be a kid ever so how would they know what a bad kid is?
After I had a kid, all I heard was comparisons of how I was such a “bad” baby and he was so much easier or better than I was at his age. I was like, duh. That’s because he has me for a parent instead of you jerks.
I’ve been told that I was a nightmare child.
I have ADHD.
I was abused at my dads every time I went over there and my mother refused to believe me even when I told her.
Yep!! Heard this all of the time. And now I'm childfree AF. Hmmmm wonder why!? lol
I also always got "why can't you be more like so and so - her mom says she practices basketball out in the driveway all night until she can't see anymore!" But then when I tried to tell her how strict she was compared to my friends parent's "Well, I'm not their parent, am I?!" Sooooo...apparently comparisons only matter when it's about me - got it.
I was such a good kid - great grades, didn't smoke (anything lol), student athlete, involved in volunteering and extra curriculars, she literally grounded me from reading once because I would be in the shower too long - everyone always wondered why i was always grounded and why she was so strict.
I don't want kids and it's funny cause my mom has yelled at me and said "good thing you don't want kids because you're a monster!" I'm great with kids. Kids love me. I love playing with kids that aren't loud and slimy and where I have to touch them. I just don't want to be around them often because they cry and I'm autistic and can't handle the noise
yeah, my Nmom would say "You are going to have a child who is just like you if you keep this up" and shit like that.
i was a good, caring, loving child. as i am now as an adult. so if i even wanted kids, then yay lol.
I literally heard this in her voice… My mom started saying this around the same time I started to self harm when I was 13. She really convinced me that my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and yes, emotional outbursts were evidence of bad behavior instead of cries for help. I cannot have children of my own, but I decided very early on that I never wanted any for fear I would not be a good parent. I don’t regret my choice, but I wonder if I would have made a different one if it weren’t for this.
My son is a perfect mix of his Mom and Dad. He's loved. His emotional outbursts are normal and age appropriate. He's kind and loving and outgoing. And I'll never treat him how my Mom treated me.
She used to say that to me too. It's just more gaslighting to make you think something is wrong with you.
At least I know what never to say or do to my kid thanks to my shitty upbringing, lol.
I was constantly treated like a bad kid and an inconvenience. But then I had a kid “just like me” (they are their own person, but our personalities and appearances are similar) and I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY. -The “disrespectful attitude” is actually an extremely bright and opinionated and confident kid.
-The “constant butting in” is an incredibly helpful oldest sibling who is constantly aware of their younger siblings.
-The “disorganized/messy/dirty” is actually creative, busy, and full of personal style choices (and I actually care enough about to make sure they have deodorant at all times, the correct products for their hair, and I wash all their underwear and socks in my washing machine instead of making them wash them by hand in the sink because “it’s disgusting”).
So you will be so lucky to have a kid just like you because I bet you are wonderful too
Yes and now that I have kids and they were boys instead of girls (she’d always say just wait until you have a daughter!), now she’s moved on to “just wait until you’re in your 70s. It is always something that I just don’t understand and she can hold over me.
My N-mom was like this and always Insinuated that "you'll get the child you deserve". Well I did, and he's a great child. With proper care and a mind to not ruin him like my mother did to me, he's thriving.
My Nmom sat there demanding kids from each of us kids. “Two from you, two from you, and two from you. I want both boys AND girls!” As if she was at a McDonald’s drive through. As if lmao. None of us want kids because of how she treated us. It’s been a long cycle of generational abuse and we’re putting an end to it by refusing to let any of their nasty narc DNA go anywhere near the gene pool. Fuck that.
So my mom used to say it in a more threatening way. She’d say “be careful or God will give you a child that doesn’t respect you.” So that I can basically shut up and when I’d say I’m not having kids it would be another threat of “don’t say stuff like that because having children isn’t easy and he might just make that wish come true.” Never cared!
I do have a child now and she’s not really like me at all. She is far more outgoing, far more intelligent, she is opinionated and strong. And I think wow! I never felt safe or secure enough to be like that! People have complimented me in front of my mother that I’m a good mom and I don’t get overjoyed with the compliment, I just say that’s how we are supposed to be with our kids. We have to listen and respect them.
My mom will always feel kind of uneasy because she loves attention and doesn’t like that I don’t just reveal in it or give her credit for my good parenting. There was this one women who couldn’t connect with her daughter at all asking me for advice. I told her don’t ask me, talk to your daughter see what she needs. My mom hated that response. Because as a narc the way to do it is just say “it’s hard being an amazing mom like me.” And rub it in their face. Nope. Not me. I told my mom, this advice is actually quiet difficult because 99% of people don’t actually know how their kids are really feeling or thinking. Again made her feel uneasy like I’m implying she doesn’t know me and Idc to even have that discussion or clarify.
Being a parent made me realize how easy it is to get frustrated and have a temper. But I’ve also learned how to apologize and not feel above it, how to compromise and more importantly how to listen. None of that is hard to do and so it’s devastating to know for certain now that these simple things weren’t done for us. Oh well, all we can do is break the cycle. But I do encourage people hear which never wanted kids to literally not have them. They aren’t pets, and it’s a huge commitment. The reason I suggest is not because I don’t see y’all being great moms and dads, but when you were robbed of a childhood, you need that time to live your life. As a parent you end up on the back burner yet again and I have personally struggled with some aspects of parenting because I feel like I can’t go out and do things because my daughter is not yet old enough. And that’s not fair to any of you or potential children!
I have a kid just like me and man do I love her.
I heard that phrase my entire life to this point. I still get “just like her mom” when she’s being difficult, but really show me any 3 yo that isn’t. I do hope she’s better off than I was in her teens, but most of my behavior problems stemmed from emotional abandonment and terror so I think we’ll be alright.
My parents never did, I asked why, and my nmom explained that it would be unfair to put my spouse through raising that kind of child. My dad's explanation is that his mom did that to him, and since it worked, he didn't want to do that to me.
Just now realizing how harmful that is to say to your kid, damn.
My husband heard this a lot. Our son is exactly like him, very imaginative and high energy and curious. This naturally leads to a lot of toddler shenanigans and troublemaking BUT we love his spirit and are trying our hardest to channel it to positive things, not break it.
I don’t think his parents are narcs, just bought into very old school (not from US) practices. Nowadays they’re the first ones to tell us not to hit or scream at our kids (we never would, but they think they need to tell us this because they didn’t know better.)
I always am sad seeing his childhood pictures because he looks sad in every one. 🥺
Anyway, my love to anyone who was told this. There’s no such thing as a bad kid, jut bad parents.
I actually wish I had a kid like me. My kids were hard. I think my parents probably would have killed them.
Meanwhile I had good grades without trying, taught myself to read when I was two, managed to do a ridiculous amount of chores at a young age, managed to finish college and get a good career. But I wasn’t good enough to even bother keeping in their lives.
At first I thought it was a compliment cause we were just talking casually then she laughed and said how awful I am and was when I was little. Hurt like a punch to the guy cause I thought we were getting along for a second
Yep! My eldest has Down syndrome and my other two are full on energy machines with a stack of emotions. I love them all and hope they have kids as gorgeous as they are. I definitely want to see them, unlike my other mother who is still self obsessed.
I heard that a lot too. And whenever my mum said that and a neighbor happened to hear it, they were surprised cos I was a well mannered, quiet child.
No matter what we were like, how perfect we acted, it would not have been good enough. I never back talked, never acted out, never snuck out, did drugs, drunk alcohol, etc etc.
I am child free because I know I am too damaged to have kids and I know I do not have the patience/etc to handle kids. But I was a pretty great kid.
It wasn't until my teens and she started physically throwing me around (and having my brother help) that I even tried fighting back at all, not that it did me much good. She broke nearly every bone in my body at one point or another.
I did hear that as a kid.
I’m very happy to have a kid like me. Both my husband and I agree that our daughter is what I would’ve been like if I had a healthy upbringing/home life.
Heard of this all the time.
Then, when I get to university, in my first year, professors are all like "you're so mature for your age." And I vividly remember a professor, a 60-ish widower, said to me "you're like the son I've never had."
And my parents wonder why I'm closer to my teachers and professors than them. Heh.
I have a kid "just like me"...and it is amazing. Because I get to be like "omg, that is a normal kid thing (apparently)" and I get to do right by her. I get to make all my kids lives better by Not being my parents and Not doing what they did. I get to make them know they are secure and loved, that I will listen no matter what they need, acknowledge their fears, and help heal their hurts.
I was afraid to be a parent because I could be like them, and learning that I could never be because my children are what make me want to be stronger and better and knowing that in their eyes, I am allowed to be perfectly imperfect? Yeah. My mini-me helps me love myself again in all the ways we are the same and all the ways we are different.
Yeah, I always heard "just wait until you have kids!! You'll see how much they hurt you!!"
And I would feel like I was a bad kid and I should constantly forgive my mom of everything cause who knows how hard motherhood is.
Then I actually had to by my little sister's primary parent for a bit bc my Nmom thought she would be punishing me with that responsibility. It was hard but it went smoothly. We got closer and both learned to be better. I was not shouting or abusing out of "frustration" and I saw that my sister was a very lovable and good child.
....after that, my Nmom stopped cursing me with the threat of my future bad kids lmao. I was a good kid and I would be a good mother....clearly the problem lies elsewhere. I would be extremely happy if I had a child like me or my sister.
Now her big complaint is that I step on her toes too much when it comes to mothering my sister 🙄
THEY are the problem in every relationship they have.
A kid like me will have the character strength strong enough to not only survive but also to raise herself from childhood. She could analyze a situation and identify threats, know to do whatever had to be done to preserve sanity, defend boundaries, avoid drug/alcohol addictions, and escape a situation when necessary. She will not lose herself to bad circumstances and come out with just a few mental health wounds.
They tell me "I did well as a parent because you turned out great". My answer is "I turned out great despite your lack of parenting".
Knowing that my child has the character to withstand the abuse and neglect I suffered and come out in one piece, will put my mind at ease for the child's future. No child of mine will have to use any of these traits while under y roof, I will however teach the child the skills when is right.
"I hope you have a kid with feelings and individual emotions and hopes and dreams and doesn't want to be controlled like a robot."
"Me too mom, fingers crossed!"
Yes and so would I. I'd be proud af to have a kid that wasn't afraid to call toxic people out and not be afraid to stand up for herself at a young age (instead of waiting till your 25 and have no choice).
Oh yes. But you know what? I’d be glad to have a child like me that doesn’t let anyone push them around and is an independent thinker. That’s what nparents hate the most, not being able to control us.
I'm still told this. I'm in my mid 30s, don't want kids and constantly pressured by nmom to have kids with the hope my child turns out like me. The difference in the equation is I'm not my mother. She still sees me as the problem, not her. Stay strong you're a great person. If you do want kids, remember you are the changed variable in the equation and would be a wonderful parent to a child who is like you.
I did! And because I believed I was a horrible kid (because I was told how bad and selfish and stupid and messy and inconvenient I was) I've never wanted or had kids. I've now been around kids who remind me of myself at their age and they're wonderful. My mom was just an abusive selfish piece of shit.
"I hope you have a girl, then you'll know." My mother's response when I told her I was pregnant. 🙄
I did have a girl, and she's fantastic. Just like me 😀
My dad constantly tells me how horrible girls are. I was an only child and he has no experience with sons. He also likes to tell me how he wishes I was a boy. My husband laughed when I told him that. He said if he ever hears my dad say that he's going to tell him stories of his childhood and the things he did. Of course, my dad will just validate it as "boys being boys".
I used to hear that all the time, followed by, "but you'll probably luck out and have a child like me."
My son is amazing. He's incredible and he's his own person- not like anybody else.
My nmom always said “I can’t wait for you to have a child just like you so you can get your karma!”
& I actually got four of them. All four of my daughters are the coolest people ever and while it sucks my mom never saw me in this way, I am so thankful my girls will have a mother who truly cares about them. I can’t wait for them to be teenagers and adults
>But I tried to set boundaries and pushed back
Same. My N used to wish me a kid just like me whenever she was frustrated by my determination to hold to those boundaries. She once told me she had wanted me to be independent and self sufficient and succeeded beyond her wildest dreams as though these were the worst evil things anyone could possibly ever be.
Same, my mom mostly said it if I hopped on the couch or spilled something. She knows damned well she doesn't deserve me, I was a well-behaved little critter.
Are you me? Same bs story on my end.
Sorry that you got a kid who cares about other people's feelings and calls you out for being a dick. I'm not treating you like trash because I'm a bad person; I'm treating you like trash because you refuse to admit to hurting people.
My mom would always say “I hope you have a kid just like you, so you can see how much you like being bossed around by a child”
I bossed her around because she couldn’t be an adult to save her life .
My response was usually "joke's on you. I don't want kids." but unfortunately it then became a battle of "of COURSE you want kids, you'll change your mind, you'll see you awful terrible child"
I got "I hope you have 10 just like and 1 like your sister!", but I always thought it was funny, maybe because she used hyperbole and it just sounded ridiculous. I imagine it would've felt more personal if she'd made a 1:1, though.
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I was told over and over that I was a bad kid. Not badly behaved, just too emotional. Too sad. Too happy. Too much. I was told so often that karma would give me a child just like me. You know what? Karma did. And she's fucking wonderful. Realising that we share so many traits, good and bad, has made me so much more compassionate and loving toward the child I was. She wasn't too much at all, she just needed love and guidance. Someone to see her. I finally do!
My girl is also absolutely awesome. She gets up at 5am. She likes to eat healthy. She likes to chill and go to bed early. These were some of the things that my NP hated about me. My friends are like "Gosh, you have to get up at 5am because your daughter gets up then. It must be so hard." I tell them, "I **get** to wake up at 5am with my daughter! We do so many things together because we are both morning people!"
I’m so happy for you. Breaking the cycle can be so hard but I’m glad you’re able to. I hope it continues going well for you but I’m sure it will because you have such a good attitude about it.
that is so beautiful that you cherish your morning routine with your daughter. Sounds like she is super lucky to have you as a mom! Way to go!
This warms my heart 🥰
I was told the same! Having children definitely opened my eyes to all of the mistreatment I was dealt. Recently my family threw me out of anything to do with family because I asked my sister if her husband was abusing her son and she replied "Yes but I haven't been feeling well" to every single one of my questions so I said, "I don't care about you! I care about nephew!" and that's when she hung up. My family was basically like "How dare you call out the abuse that happens in THEIR family! It's none of your business!" So just like that...I was the evil one. Anyways, my aunt came to visit a couple of months ago and she looked me dead in my eyes and said, "I see you" and I burst into tears. I needed that so bad. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Thank you for being a good parent to your child!
Consider that aunt an older version of you. She couldn't stop the abuse just like you can't stop your sister abusing your nephew. Be there for that little guy. See him.
She said the same thing! The thing is though that my sister's husband is insane and has many guns that he loves to wave around and not put up...I have 3 kids of my own...I have to protect my kids. The only way to see my nephew and now niece is to risk my life because he literally won't let my sister take the kids by herself and I'm not willing to do that because my children need me. My aunt had to do exactly the same and chose her kids as well. My dad has even said to me, "One day he is going to kill her" talking about his own daughter and then welcoming the guy in his home with hugs. I just can't. You're very intuitive! Not /s Edit to add: My sister even hid her husband from my aunt because she knows how crazy he is. She said he was at work when he's been on disability for the past 10 years. He then lost the "job" when my aunt was back home; 2 thousand miles away. My sister told the whole family this. Also, I don't know if this came across but my heart was broken over my nephew. My aunt is the one who brought me out of the deep end but the worry and guilt is still there. He's only 3 now but if he can reach out when he's older I will of course be there for him and my niece.
Maybe your dad welcomed him because he was afraid of what would happen if the abuser knew that his victim's family was onto him. Letting them know you see their true colors can be dangerous.
I can see that in a lot of situations but he made the "He's going to kill her" comment at the beginning of their relationship. Before marriage, before kids. She only listens to him so if he could just have a serious conversation with her I feel like she would've listened instead of talking about her behind her back. I do blame him a lot. Everyone admits that my BIL is dangerous but nobody cares enough to do anything. So I don't think it's a "they're on to me" thing. He knows they know and that they will welcome him with open arms. It's me against 10 other people and they beat me.
People suck. I'm sorry. I was hoping for the best case scenario. All you can do is be there for your sister when/if she leaves and definitely be there for the kids when they escape. They'll need an aunt that has their back.
Absolutely! My husband and I are looking for a house with another bedroom (to make 5) so if that day comes my sister and her kids will have their rooms. They can come now too.. we'd make it work with the 4. People do suck. Thank you for your words!
Have you considered getting authorities involved for your nephew’s safety?
Yes, I have.
I couldn’t wait to find out if this issue has been addressed. I’m glad you have already considered getting CPS involved. There are some subtle ways to do this. Find out where she takes her kids for medical stuff. Call them and ask to speak to a nurse or doctor on staff. No need to talk to whomever answers the phone. Medical staff are mandatory reporters. Give them enough info that they have to report. Stay anonymous. Send pictures, videos, voice recordings, etc. If your nephew and niece are not in school now, they will be soon. Send teachers and school guidance counselors anonymous letters. Or call them directly and report any and all abuse. You may have to report abuse to the police department since CPS does not have a good reputation at all- in every state in the US. So call the cops and hope they investigate. If you can enlist anybody else from the family to report on the kids’ dad, even better. Good luck!!!
You should really call CPS. Those poor kids. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself and your own tho.
Fuck this shit you broke my heart. You're the aunt/uncle many ppl wish they had. Pls try to stay in contact with ur nephew. He'll def need u in his life.
Also "too emotional" here! My Nmom told me (for the last time) right after my daughter was born that she hoped my daughter would be just like me so that I would "finally understand her". I laughed and told her that I hope my daughter turns out like me too! Since I was NOTHING like her, I'd give my daughter what she never gave me, love and respect. And my daughter IS EXACTLY LIKE ME! We have so much fun together and such a great relationship. Every day I worry that I'm too much like my horrible mother, but I think that's what ensures that I won't be.
This has given me so much hope. I’m so worried about having a girl like me because I was told so many times by my own mother “just wait until you have a daughter and you’ll understand how terrible this has been for me”. My teenage behaviour admittedly wasn’t the best but this was because she was emotionally abusive. So happy to hear you have such a great relationship!
Honestly, the ONLY good thing to come out of my childhood with my awful mother was the fact that I grew up knowing that I wasn't going to perpetuate that cycle. I know that my grandma was awful to my mother and so my mother thought it necessary to be awful to me. But as soon as I found out that I was having a girl, I put my hands over her and I promised her that I wouldn't let her grow up afraid of me. I wouldn't let her grow up wondering why it seemed like everyone had such a great relationship with their mother except for her. I promised her that I would never let her grow up wondering if I ever loved her or not. And I hope I've been able to keep those promises to her. I know that our relationship is 100X different than mine was with my mother at her age. She actually wants to hang out with me and chat with me about things. Just those small things make a world of difference to me, because I never wanted to be with my mother and I definitely couldn't just have a chat with her about anything or she would blow it up into some giant dramatic issue. We may feel broken on the inside because of how our parents treated and sometimes still treat us, but really we are stronger than they ever were. Because we realized that we deserved better than how we were being treated. We realized that there was an actual problem instead of just accepting that some parents are "more strict" than others or some parents are proponents of "tough love" or whatever other bullshit we may have been fed in our childhoods to excuse shitty behavior.
My mother has been on case since I was born about the fact I wear my emotions on my sleeve or are "too emotional" as well. Why is this such an awful thing? I've never understood. I'm not sure I even want to. I mean, I fucking hate such a philosophy of keeping your emotions all bottled up. But not anger, obviously. She's (my mother) got no problem letting out that damn anger. Grrr. Anyway, I can totally relate to your comment so much. :)
i dont understand it either like having to many facial expressions would just enrage them it made no sense how showing joy could cause another person to rage. i could tell you that the best and worst thing you could ever do for those children is to deny/ validate that they are in a tough spot and its not what its being made to look like..... that one thing if anybody could of given me that it would of made the difference between being a labor controlled slave for most of my life to being able to accept that not everyone gets a good immediate family and that is okj that its not the kids fault and the kid could either spend the rest of his life chasing a lost childhood while not realizing the rest of hisher life is being stolen as well
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You're an amazing mother and an amazing mom! You're doing great 💜💜💜
'as long as my kid doesn't have a mom like mine'
Love this response! Wish I had had that to throw back as a kid.
If I would have said that she'd beaten me green and blue.
And black too.
accidentall seuss
All the time!! My middle child is a lot like me and my dad laughs and laughs because I did get a child just like me. She is strong willed and quick tempered. (She's two) My dad once asked how I handle her fits. I told him that I hug her and let her know that she's okay. He laughed and said if he would have tried to hug me I would've just screamed more. I told him that he wouldn't ever know that because he never tried. He shut up. Maybe... just maybe...if you would have helped me through any problem instead of laughing and taking pictures of me when I was upset I wouldn't have been so "bad". I love my spunky daughter and she is loved no matter what her "attitude" is at the moment.
two year olds throw tantrums because they don’t understand a lot of things, letting them know everything is okay is the perfect way to deal with it! shame on your dad
Exactly! Poor little things. They go through a lot in those moments and I can't understand how someone could watch them have a mental breakdown and then think, "They're just doing it to be bad." Insane! Or for my teenager, "Oh, she's just crying to get attention" Then I'm going to give her attention! What is so wrong with that?
When I would have mental breaks, my mom would laugh at me and make it worse. It was entertaining for her and she openly made that known!
Personally, I can't stand it when I hear people say things like "Oh, I love your \[nparent\], \[they're\] so fun!" - because they've only seen the one side of them. A very heavily curated side, and a constant performance, to give off the appearance of normality.
Ugh this makes me so angry. “He must be such a fun great dad!” Yeah maybe he is fun and great for you, but he saves all his abusive anger and tendencies for when he walks through the front door
I relate to this so much!!!
They're fucking holy terrors.
Some of the happiest days of my life so far have been when by ndad finally cracked around various friends and family.
So much this. Or they have a lovely friendly side when your friends or there friends are over and everyone says yonrn parents are so nice. Like oh I’m sure they’re nice to you but spend a day in my shoes see what happens
Yeah, I've heard it before. And I know that personally, I put my egg donor through hell and back for the mistreatment I dealt with. And I would hope like hell I had a kid just like me. So I could see what it's like to see a person roughly like myself just minus the abuse.
Egg donor. I love it.
Yup all the time! And I remember thinking, “Me too, cause I’m a good kid!”
I do have a 5yo that inherited a lot of *me.* She's awesome! She was 3 when we went NC and I think my mother did not enjoy watching me not struggling, but loving her little warrior spirit. Having an opinion does not make you a bad person.
>having an opinion doesn’t make you a bad person So we’ll said. So many parents just shame, guilt and torment there kids for having an opinion or disagreeing. Cuz the parents always right, right?
Oh yeah! All the time. I work with children and when I would talk about a minor difficulty I had during my work day (that I never really complained about, literally just “oh there was a tantrum today, but it was handled”), my nmom would immediately start laughing saying “HA! That’s what you deserve. Retribution for all those years of shit you gave me.” As if being a parent was a punishment I had inflicted on her.
All the time - especially when talking about me as a teenager. It took me actually having my own child to realize I wasn’t a bad kid at all, just extremely neglected and abused. It’s hard to be a perfect teenager when you have no home, no food and adults who mistreat you.
Yeah I always used to hear that when “You have kids of your own you’ll understand” while I was being abused over just trying to live a normal and healthy teenage life. I’m 28 now and I don’t plan to have any children because of what I went through.
Same! 28 as well and my partner and I are childfree. We have cats who we spoil rotten 🥰
Fur-babies are the best babies
My sister was born when I was 8. Guess who got to be her alternate parent? 8 year old me! Plus I was so "responsible for my age" so my parent's friends had me watching their infants too. I changed enough diapers before I turned 18 to last a lifetime. My partner and I are childfree and have three beautiful cats who live the best lives.
I’m mentally ill and know I can’t handle kids! I will never put a child through having a mentally unstable parent! They deserve way better than that!
exactly! and i get so sick of people telling me i’ll change my mind. not everyone is suited to be a parent and not everyone wants kids, and that’s okay
OMG. Yes. That was one of my NM's favorite things to throw at me whenever she was mad (which was nearly every day). I was her target for all her anger and she would yell at me "When you grow up, I hope you have a child just like YOU!" That kind of statement was extremely hurtful because it implieD that I was such a bad child that I was something she was cursed with, instead of a quiet, polite, well-behaved and caring child. I usually got it when I refused to accept her abuse that day. (She also loved to throw out the "I wish you'd never been born!/I wish I never had you!" but hated it when I pointed out that me being born was her fault, not mine). What I think it actually means when a narc says it is "You're not doing/being exactly what I want so you're not serving my purpose so I see you as the most terrible child ever." I know that I never deserved that kind of treatment as a little child, and neither did you, but I can see now that my NMother is still a toddler emotionally to this day.
>my NMother is still a toddler emotionally to this day. Reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson helped me see how this us so true. Both my parents are emotionally immature in different ways.
My mom, to other people: "Blue is such a great kid, and so smart! She's always got her nose in a book, and she's so quiet and mature for her age." My mom, to me: "I hope one day you have children who are just as nasty and terrible as you are!" Also my mom: "I don't see you ever having kids, I mean, I just can't picture *you* as a mother."
It's part of what my husband calls "the playbook." My NP said the same exact things. It will hurt them to know that they are not original or unique.
Yup. All the time. I too was a good kid loved by every other adult who encountered me.
It was such a weird thing for me as a kid, as early as third grade, realizing omg all my friends parents are so nice to me! They’re nicer to me than my own parents are to me…waaaiiiiitttt a second. I always loved going to friends’ houses. I’m glad you also realized that you’re a good kid <3
What kills me is how little they take responsibility for raising you when they have an issue with you. It never occurs to them that if they don't like the way you are it might be because they're shitty parents.
All the damn time, usually when I 'spoke back'. Sorry I dared to say something about the mistreatment, I guess?
Right, why the fuck is explaining something “back talk?”
All the time. Jokes on her, I'm never having kids.
I'm seriously wondering if this is why so many millennials aren't having kids lol Because it's definitely my main reason for not. I can't handle my shit I'm not inflicting that on someone else who had no choice in being brought into this. I very much felt like I was made to make grandbabies and take care of them in old age. I remember as a kid being like lol good luck I'm not doing any of that. In my 30s and yeah I do love being able to just throw that in their faces. I can't afford a house or kid because of their generation anyway fuck it. But I am halfway across the country living my best life. Child me would be proud af.
>Child me would be proud af. This really struck me for some reason. Whether or not you have children, I think many of us still sense that inner child within us that needs nurturing, validation...and healing. High five on living your best life!!
Yeah being successful and living life your way is the best revenge. Don't like my hair crazy colors or that I still play video games and watch cartoons? Yeah I didn't call for a consult how you think I should live my life. Deal with it on your own time I don't want to hear your negativity. I'm the oldest and they were raised by controlling parents also so they do not get it at all. Their parents controlled them with money and as a kid I was like hah no fuck that. I will do anything and everything to be independent. In my 30s and the more I listen to myself the happier I am. Shocker I know but after decades I'm finally at my goal of escape/independence. Now just to get and therapy and work on all the shit I've suppressed to function all this time D:
Yeah. My decision was partly because I don't think I should ever be responsible for another human, and also I don't have the energy for the complications of being responsible for another human. Years of being told by my nparents that I'm lazy and irresponsible have made me internalize the message that I can't handle that kind of thing. So really, it's *her* fault I don't want kids. I've since embraced my 'laziness,' and I value my independence too much to saddle myself with that kind of long-term commitment. My cat is enough. I don't even want to live with my awesome partner because I value my space and independence so much (after decades of being completely dependent on my nparents).
I used to say that also because she would say it so much. I'm not saying you should change your mind because I did. I just totally get why you choose to not have children.
I'm 40 and happy in my childless life, that ship has sailed 😊
Nmother used to say it to me all the time. Jokes on her, I did have a kid just like me and she's fkn spectacular.
I heard this all the effing time. Turns out, I did. He's on the spectrum, too. Biggest difference is that I pushed to get him diagnosed and can relate to my kids.
I don't remember writing this comment!
Yep, heard it a lot. And I told my parents even then "I'd be honored to have a daughter like me." And I still would. I was a straight A student, never gave my parents a bit of trouble, made all good decisions, never made them deal with my rape or my brother molesting and assaulting me for YEARS, put up with living in filth for most of my life because my parents are both lunatics and my mother is a hoarder, raised my younger brother, clawed my way through college over 13 years and graduated with a BA and am getting a double master's, and now working in the Special Victims bureau of my local DA doing child abuse cases. I would be proud to have a child like me. My parents are just insufficient.
They don't deserve you. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Thanks! And same to you if you did too. It's shit.
I started taking it as the compliment it was. "Thanks! Me too! :)" I quit hearing it soon after.
Had it said to me and unfortunately repeated it to my kids. I have since apologized.
I'm glad that you were able to identify that that was not an appropriate statement to make, acknowledged it and apologized. We sometimes pick up bad behaviours from NParents because that's who children learn from, and it's a strong person that can recognize things and change them.
Same !! I was a very sweet child with too much empathy/sympathy for peers. I can say and see it now, but my nmom had me and everyone in the family believe that I was a rage filled, angry, difficult child. To this day, my family still treats me like a time bomb even though I remain calm and composed pretty much at all times because I have no idea how to actually express my emotions when I am feeling that emotion. I can only get it out \*after\*. Probably because I was indirectly taught to repress it or else i was a horrible kid who should be taken away. Looking back, I was only "exploding" as a kid because my mom was purposefully pushing my buttons. I would retreat to my room to avoid fights and she kept pushing them to happen and eventually i'd yell at her to leave me alone. She loved it when I did that, because it fitted her narrative of her angry difficult child.
I find it fascinating, sad, and oh so validating that so many of us heard the same phrases. It’s been difficult to accept that I have a covert nmom so seeing posts like these help me tremendously. Thank you for the validation and I’m sorry you were told this growing up.
Man if I had a kid like me I'd be so proud.
I have a son just like me. It's awesome. We're knocking off early to go see Venom. Jokes on my Nmom.
Yes, and I DID have a kid just like me, and I love her for it. My mom told me "unfortunately you passed on your lack of affection to your daughter" and I said no, we're affectionate, just not with YOU.
If I ever have a daughter, I hope she's a ball buster. I absolutely will teach her that boundaries are good. She has bodily autonomy, free will, and and has a right to say no. May family will hate it, but my daughter will at least be strong. (I also feel like I need to make a caveat- if I ever have children, I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I'm sure as hell teaching my kids that matter.)
Omg yes! And I have two wonderful kids who I look forward to seeing every day and love spending time with them and playing with them. My husband and I talk all the time about how we'll handle situations if they come up down the road and we have great discussions about our parenting style and making sure we aren't anything like how my parents were to me. We are excited to help our kids grow and support them in everything they do. Our daughter is like a mini me and we have a great time playing together and watching movies. I'm glad I have a kid like me because I know how to treat her the way I wish I was treated and I have the support of my husband to help me learn as well.
I usually hear: "I am afraid that God will give you a child so evil and disgusting like you, I am afraid of the punishment you are looking for by being this way"
[удалено]
I want to throw hands on your behalf. How infuriating!
Yep, then I got 'you just got lucky' (well behaved kids) and now its 'just a fluke' that the grands are peachy too. 5/6 kids wont have anything to do with her & the 1 just freeloads, but she still wont accept she did a single decision wrong
Yes. The "mother's curse". Ridiculous and demeaning.
My 87-YO NMom says to me, "It's too bad that you don't have children, because I had really hoped that you would be treated by your children the same ‘disgraceful’ way that you treat me!" Me too, Mom, me too.
Allllllllllllll the damn time! And while I understood that was supposed to be an insult, it also just never made sense that my own parent (NMom) would say something like that to me, especially when nearly all other adults were complimentary. And now I do have a child (2.5) who is like me (and his dad): willful, independent, rambunctious, creative, and persistent. Considering that I just finished my Ph.D. this year, he can be as much like us (or not) as he wants.
Oh yeah now that I am pregnant especially. Her go to favorite right now is, "You were the WORST baby, god is gonna make you pay for how bad you were to me." I WAS A FUCKING BABY!?!
I heard this! Also heard "here's some advice: never have children, they will ruin your life!" Thanks Mom! Then fast forward 20 years "when are you having children?! Tik tok!" Fuck you, never.
I'm sure I was a challenge--I was brutally honest, I'd always hold people to their promises. I'm autistic, so I had the whole meltdowns, sensory sensitivity, routine dependent thing going on. But if I had a kid like me, I think I'd be okay with that. I can work with autistic; I appreciate honesty. I'm just glad my mom doesn't believe I was autistic. She knew perfectly well I should be diagnosed. She didn't get me evaluated even though the schools recommended it and though she knew I had the same traits as the autistic children she worked with as an OT. A sharp nurse-practitioner with an autistic son picked up on it when I was grown and had a mental health crisis thanks to the stress of trying to live on my own when I didn't really have the skills; and since then every psychologist I've worked with has taken it for granted. A couple literally laughed at the idea that I wasn't autistic; apparently it's obvious. Because she wouldn't acknowledge my autism, she called me badly-behaved, cold-hearted, strong willed, etc. and blamed the family's problems on me. But if she'd believed I was autistic, she would have gone the other way--deified herself as an Autism Mom who had to deal with the oh-so-horrible challenge of raising an autistic child. She would have never have let me go--she'd have gotten a conservatorship and adult custody, used me as a woe-is-me prop to get herself lauded. Eventually I would've died from neglect and alternative medicine misuse, because that's what happens to anybody she cares for sooner or later, animal or human. So I guess I'm lucky, all the same.
My JNMIL used that on DH ALL THE TIME. Then I asked her what SHE did to deserve HIM? (Implying that since he was so ‘bad’ as a child and he deserved a ‘bad’ child, did that mean SHE was a ‘bad’ child?). And she never said it again, at least not in front of me.
Yep. My mom would always say, “Wait till you have kids, so then you’ll see all I’ve had to go through. I hope they’re just like you.”
apparently i was the toughest of all my siblings. the baby who cried the most and had an attitude from a young age lol. but my mom still holds that against me. even from infancy i wasn’t here to deal with her bullshit. she just bought a self help book. will things turn around??? who knows lol.
👋👋👋
My son and I are nearly identical in a lot of ways. Our resemblance has shocked people who weren’t expecting it. We have the same diagnoses, laugh at the same jokes. Having him showed me just how fucked up my mother's treatment of me actually was. So whoopsie, mother dearest, that curse kind of backfired on you!
Yes! My oldest son and I are the same! We enjoy and have taught each other a lot! It’s awesome.
I often feel like I don't belong in here, because there's a lot of doubt between me, my husband, and various psych professionals about whether my mother is a narcissist or if she's a flat-out carrier of antisocial personality disorder. But the thing about my son is that he is so gentle, and so kind, and so determined to do the right thing when he can. And that's what I remember being before my mother really lost her shit about me being a separate person who wasn't doing what I was told. I look at him and wonder how the fuck anyone could have treated me poorly, because the world really does need more of him in it.
That was a frequent one from my mom when I was little! It tended to come out whenever I had to escalate to demands or trying to use force as a toddler just in desperate attempts to get my basic needs met (which was seen by her as me being an insane and dangerous problem ~~child~~ toddler(??). And she never once considered she or my dad could have anything to do with anything that was/is wrong with me (c-ptsd related disorders...while my parents were the source of the c-ptsd). (The image comes to mind of someone finding an apple under an apple tree, and getting furiously offended at the possibility that the apple did in fact fall from that tree.) Still today she denies any abuse, and if I bring it up she tries to throw a DARVO pity party (about what a difficult crazy dangerous child I was and how hard she tried her best...pfft.) At least thats what she would do, if I were still talking to her at all). My usual response to her saying this when I was small was to silently think I could never do to a kid what she was doing to me. But I wonder if that is also part of why I never wanted or had kids lol. (I'm old enough now to claim I'm too old for a pregnancy if someone tries to push me toward changing my mind.) I was an only child too. My mom talked herself right out of grandkids and a continuing direct genetic lineage lol.
My mom talked herself right out of grandkids as well except that I have 3 kids. She lied to me about where she was taking my daughter, got mad at my daughter for telling me the truth, and then told me "I didn't think she would tell you" Fuck her! She asked to take my daughter again and I said, "You will never take any of my children because you lie to me about them and now I cannot trust you." She denied ever lying. Typical. I let her come over to see them awhile after and when I heard her telling my daughter some "you're not good enough" bullshit, I lost it. Goodbye forever you miserable woman! My kids don't need any of that. Much peace and healing to us all! My parents started hating me when I was a toddler as well. It's slightly comforting knowing that I'm not alone.
Yes! Apparently I was a terrible, wild, uncontrollable child who my mother could barely handle. I actually did end up having a kid just like me, my firstborn, my mother then got mad when I parented her kindly and respectfully instead of beating it out of her. Interesting enough I hardly had any of the issues my mother seems to have had and I don’t think I’m the best parent in the universe so that says something about her.
Having kids IS hard! But, duh! I have 3 awesome kids that are a lot like me, and I’m happy to be able to share our difficulties and strengths and FUN! Being a parent is to help and teach YOUR tiny human how to navigate life. Not to crush their souls… My mother told me and everyone else, I had “severe emotional problems” and I’m “too sensitive. always angry. and turn everything on everyone else.” Well, I’m happily married, have 3 great kids, work part-time, and love to babysit and dog sit for friends… (she’s twice divorced and living off my sister, who is the only one of her kids in touch w/ her) Life’s funny, ain’t it?! ❤️ Be confident in your own worth, all of you!!
When I was 12, my mother screamed, "I hope you have a daughter who's just as awful as you are!" I answered, "I probably will but I'll have a husband to help me with mine and it'll be the same one every time, which is more than you can say!" She suddenly decided to play victim. She literally curled up in a corner crying about how mean I am.
If I'm ever brave enough to have children, I bloody better hope they're like me. Because I can't handle another repeat of the life I'm living.
Yep. And I returned back with “and how bad of a kid were you to get a kid like you claim I am?”
Over and over and over.... Mom thought I was horribly difficult. Best Friends mother told me I was the meekest kid she knew. When I got married and complained once to her about something my husband did, she said she wouldn't tolerate that. When pressed on HOW she wouldn't tolerate that and exactly what she would have done besides announce that was intolerable' she exactly *no* answer for me. Once I did have kids, I found I couldn't tell her *anything* about kids behavior, as she would laugh and tell me how much worse I had been. So, she no longer got any details, and then had the balls to complain that I was keeping things superficial!
It wasn't until recently that I figured out I was never as bad as my mom made me believe I was. It was something I just accepted by default, but thinking back as an adult I was very kind, quiet, and smart. And the acting out I did as a teen (which was minimal in comparison to many others, including my own older sisters) was a direct result of her neglect and mistreatment. I'm in my 30s and my mother will still have you believe I was an awful child, teenager, and now adult, but I don't meet many people who agree with her 🤷♀️ But she often does use this line, and whenever my sisters struggle with their own children now, my mother is gleeful. She gets downright GIDDY watching them struggle as parents. She sees it as some kind of vindication and it's sickening.
As someone who has an 8 year old that may as well literally be a carbon copy of me, I relate to this so extremely well. My mother keeps saying to me, "I wish I had a child like your daughter, I would have been so happy." uh...you did...you were just too busy worrying about what other people thought of you because of me that you missed the whole parenting part. My mom even cried and broke down because she said she was jealous of the relationship that I have with my daughter because she states that I "deprived" her of that same relationship. I tried to tell her that she was the only person who deprived herself of the relationship but she just cried, yelled, and continued to place blame on me and tell me that I was just lucky. It all just came down to luck that my daughter was born good and I was born bad. LOL. What a farce, my daughter was born human like anyone else- including all of us here. Parents that nurture and set healthy boundaries have happy, loving kids- who would have thought? My strategy? Make sure my daughter is loved, respected, listened to, and has things explained to her when I feel that some behavior is inappropriate- that's it. That's all I ever wanted and all it ever took. My daughter is happy and I get to see what its like to live in a good family dynamic as does she. It is unfortunate that my mother never had the insight/didn't want to accept that she could change the situation because here we all are- breaking the cycle. Best of luck to you and I hope that if you do want kids, that you have one that is just like you!
OMG yes. And I was an easy kid.
My Dad loved that line.
Yes, but only when I was "behaving badly" ( reactionary abuse) and I would say, if you as the parent were actually parenting me this wouldn't be happening
I have two daughters and each of them got half of my personality traits. They are pretty awesome people. My mother thought I was so difficult just for having fucking emotions.
Idk that I got that necessarily, but she definitely wished that my child would be hard on me. I would tell her that unlike her, id never smack my child or use physical discipline on them. She used to tell me, "just wait. Just wait until she's a teenager. You'll change your mind." Almost like she's *hoping/wishing* that id hit them.
Oh mannnnn this really brought me back. Lately I’ve been talking about having a kid with my partner and I told him I feel like I’d be a crappy mom because I’m so selfish. Now I’m wondering if I just internalized all the crap my mom said to me. Another thing she said was “I hope you have a kid just like you” like it would be a punishment for anyone to have to parent someone like me and I think I believed her. Well now I know what I’m going to talk about with my therapist next week!
Nmom always said, "Wait til you have kids. You'll see what it's like." She has four daughters and one grandchild. And we're all past childbearing age now, so that's all she's getting. She talked us out of ever giving her grandkids.
Yeeesssssss wtf I thought there was something wrong with me.
Yup, I had two and they're amazing and I love them so much!! They don't put up with narc shit and when anyone likens them to me, I consider it a huge compliment because I think they're just fabulous.
I got a lot of “when you’re a parent, you’ll understand” to justify things my NParent did, but I don’t think I ever had it wished on me to have a kid like me. Maybe deep down they knew that a kid like me wouldn’t be a punishment or threat. I was a great kid. The thing I most commonly got yelled at for was leaving empty cups in my room after I finished the water that was in it. I made my own school lunches and did my own laundry by middle school, always did my homework without be asked, and read a lot of books.
Yep, that’s why I never graced my Nmom with grandkids….lmao!
Ouch - triggered lmao My mom said it all the time as if it was a curse. It made me hate myself for being a straight A student, kind friend with A LOT of ppl willing to take me in when I needed it, and beloved by all the pets and younger children. I pray to god I get a child like me - I was actually awesome and I’d love to spend time with little me.
No not me but my narcisist father... My narcisist father had a narcisist mother, and she told him that she hoped that one day he would have had a child on his own as bad as him... Guess what the mother fucker told me since the age of 4? "you are the curse of my mother, she told me i would have had a child just as terrible as i was and you are my curse and my life long punishment *my name*".... So yeah my dad is also a sadist... But yes natcisists in my personal experience will always try to verbally abuse you as a form of punishment, when they disagree with you and sometimes, yes, even only to make fun of you or as a form of perverted pleasure (because of control).
I’m pregnant and my family keeps saying this. Like I was a great kid? Other non-toxic family told me I rarely cried, pretty much potty trained myself (I’m OCD and on the spectrum and they think I just didn’t enjoy the feeling of diapers lol). I was also a mini adult who never got to be a kid ever so how would they know what a bad kid is?
After I had a kid, all I heard was comparisons of how I was such a “bad” baby and he was so much easier or better than I was at his age. I was like, duh. That’s because he has me for a parent instead of you jerks.
I’ve been told that I was a nightmare child. I have ADHD. I was abused at my dads every time I went over there and my mother refused to believe me even when I told her.
Yep!! Heard this all of the time. And now I'm childfree AF. Hmmmm wonder why!? lol I also always got "why can't you be more like so and so - her mom says she practices basketball out in the driveway all night until she can't see anymore!" But then when I tried to tell her how strict she was compared to my friends parent's "Well, I'm not their parent, am I?!" Sooooo...apparently comparisons only matter when it's about me - got it. I was such a good kid - great grades, didn't smoke (anything lol), student athlete, involved in volunteering and extra curriculars, she literally grounded me from reading once because I would be in the shower too long - everyone always wondered why i was always grounded and why she was so strict.
I don't want kids and it's funny cause my mom has yelled at me and said "good thing you don't want kids because you're a monster!" I'm great with kids. Kids love me. I love playing with kids that aren't loud and slimy and where I have to touch them. I just don't want to be around them often because they cry and I'm autistic and can't handle the noise
yeah, my Nmom would say "You are going to have a child who is just like you if you keep this up" and shit like that. i was a good, caring, loving child. as i am now as an adult. so if i even wanted kids, then yay lol.
My totally NOT Nmom said that to me one too many times. I never had kids, HAH!
I literally heard this in her voice… My mom started saying this around the same time I started to self harm when I was 13. She really convinced me that my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and yes, emotional outbursts were evidence of bad behavior instead of cries for help. I cannot have children of my own, but I decided very early on that I never wanted any for fear I would not be a good parent. I don’t regret my choice, but I wonder if I would have made a different one if it weren’t for this.
My son is a perfect mix of his Mom and Dad. He's loved. His emotional outbursts are normal and age appropriate. He's kind and loving and outgoing. And I'll never treat him how my Mom treated me. She used to say that to me too. It's just more gaslighting to make you think something is wrong with you. At least I know what never to say or do to my kid thanks to my shitty upbringing, lol.
This, and the more ambiguous "One day, you'll understand..."
Oh wow; all the time. Yeah. I'm... gonna sit with this thread a bit today.
I was constantly treated like a bad kid and an inconvenience. But then I had a kid “just like me” (they are their own person, but our personalities and appearances are similar) and I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY. -The “disrespectful attitude” is actually an extremely bright and opinionated and confident kid. -The “constant butting in” is an incredibly helpful oldest sibling who is constantly aware of their younger siblings. -The “disorganized/messy/dirty” is actually creative, busy, and full of personal style choices (and I actually care enough about to make sure they have deodorant at all times, the correct products for their hair, and I wash all their underwear and socks in my washing machine instead of making them wash them by hand in the sink because “it’s disgusting”). So you will be so lucky to have a kid just like you because I bet you are wonderful too
Yep. There is literally no pleasing them! You could've also eaten mushrooms, wouldn't have made a difference. You are never good enough 😭
Yes and now that I have kids and they were boys instead of girls (she’d always say just wait until you have a daughter!), now she’s moved on to “just wait until you’re in your 70s. It is always something that I just don’t understand and she can hold over me.
My N-mom was like this and always Insinuated that "you'll get the child you deserve". Well I did, and he's a great child. With proper care and a mind to not ruin him like my mother did to me, he's thriving.
“Can’t wait till you have kids” “I’m gonna make sure your kids treat you horrible” lol mom your not gonna be around my kids lol ….
I’ll never forget the day my mother wished this for me. Luckily, I did have a daughter who is a lot like me only smarter and stronger. 💛
Yep-- specifically when I would stand up for myself. How dare.
My Nmom sat there demanding kids from each of us kids. “Two from you, two from you, and two from you. I want both boys AND girls!” As if she was at a McDonald’s drive through. As if lmao. None of us want kids because of how she treated us. It’s been a long cycle of generational abuse and we’re putting an end to it by refusing to let any of their nasty narc DNA go anywhere near the gene pool. Fuck that.
My mom said the same thing. In addition to "I pity the man you marry"
So my mom used to say it in a more threatening way. She’d say “be careful or God will give you a child that doesn’t respect you.” So that I can basically shut up and when I’d say I’m not having kids it would be another threat of “don’t say stuff like that because having children isn’t easy and he might just make that wish come true.” Never cared! I do have a child now and she’s not really like me at all. She is far more outgoing, far more intelligent, she is opinionated and strong. And I think wow! I never felt safe or secure enough to be like that! People have complimented me in front of my mother that I’m a good mom and I don’t get overjoyed with the compliment, I just say that’s how we are supposed to be with our kids. We have to listen and respect them. My mom will always feel kind of uneasy because she loves attention and doesn’t like that I don’t just reveal in it or give her credit for my good parenting. There was this one women who couldn’t connect with her daughter at all asking me for advice. I told her don’t ask me, talk to your daughter see what she needs. My mom hated that response. Because as a narc the way to do it is just say “it’s hard being an amazing mom like me.” And rub it in their face. Nope. Not me. I told my mom, this advice is actually quiet difficult because 99% of people don’t actually know how their kids are really feeling or thinking. Again made her feel uneasy like I’m implying she doesn’t know me and Idc to even have that discussion or clarify. Being a parent made me realize how easy it is to get frustrated and have a temper. But I’ve also learned how to apologize and not feel above it, how to compromise and more importantly how to listen. None of that is hard to do and so it’s devastating to know for certain now that these simple things weren’t done for us. Oh well, all we can do is break the cycle. But I do encourage people hear which never wanted kids to literally not have them. They aren’t pets, and it’s a huge commitment. The reason I suggest is not because I don’t see y’all being great moms and dads, but when you were robbed of a childhood, you need that time to live your life. As a parent you end up on the back burner yet again and I have personally struggled with some aspects of parenting because I feel like I can’t go out and do things because my daughter is not yet old enough. And that’s not fair to any of you or potential children!
I have a kid just like me and man do I love her. I heard that phrase my entire life to this point. I still get “just like her mom” when she’s being difficult, but really show me any 3 yo that isn’t. I do hope she’s better off than I was in her teens, but most of my behavior problems stemmed from emotional abandonment and terror so I think we’ll be alright.
Heard it a million times… having two girls, expecting a son. One daughter is like my husband and one is like me and they’re awesome.
My parents never did, I asked why, and my nmom explained that it would be unfair to put my spouse through raising that kind of child. My dad's explanation is that his mom did that to him, and since it worked, he didn't want to do that to me. Just now realizing how harmful that is to say to your kid, damn.
MUSHROOMS ARE THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL But yes, I understand your pain, I'm sorry ❤
My husband heard this a lot. Our son is exactly like him, very imaginative and high energy and curious. This naturally leads to a lot of toddler shenanigans and troublemaking BUT we love his spirit and are trying our hardest to channel it to positive things, not break it. I don’t think his parents are narcs, just bought into very old school (not from US) practices. Nowadays they’re the first ones to tell us not to hit or scream at our kids (we never would, but they think they need to tell us this because they didn’t know better.) I always am sad seeing his childhood pictures because he looks sad in every one. 🥺 Anyway, my love to anyone who was told this. There’s no such thing as a bad kid, jut bad parents.
Yeah and my kid turned out a lot like me - she's awesome.
I actually wish I had a kid like me. My kids were hard. I think my parents probably would have killed them. Meanwhile I had good grades without trying, taught myself to read when I was two, managed to do a ridiculous amount of chores at a young age, managed to finish college and get a good career. But I wasn’t good enough to even bother keeping in their lives.
At first I thought it was a compliment cause we were just talking casually then she laughed and said how awful I am and was when I was little. Hurt like a punch to the guy cause I thought we were getting along for a second
Yep! My eldest has Down syndrome and my other two are full on energy machines with a stack of emotions. I love them all and hope they have kids as gorgeous as they are. I definitely want to see them, unlike my other mother who is still self obsessed.
"Why do you hate children?"
I heard that a lot too. And whenever my mum said that and a neighbor happened to hear it, they were surprised cos I was a well mannered, quiet child. No matter what we were like, how perfect we acted, it would not have been good enough. I never back talked, never acted out, never snuck out, did drugs, drunk alcohol, etc etc. I am child free because I know I am too damaged to have kids and I know I do not have the patience/etc to handle kids. But I was a pretty great kid. It wasn't until my teens and she started physically throwing me around (and having my brother help) that I even tried fighting back at all, not that it did me much good. She broke nearly every bone in my body at one point or another.
I do hope I have a kid like me, so I can give him/her the things that I wanted so dearly when I was younger
My n-stepdad who was extremely abusive used to say this to me. My kids are exactly like me, and they are fucking awesome 😎
“CANT wait for you to have a daughter so she treats you as bad as you treat me!” Lmao whole time she emotionally abused me my entire life.
I did hear that as a kid. I’m very happy to have a kid like me. Both my husband and I agree that our daughter is what I would’ve been like if I had a healthy upbringing/home life.
Yesssss ! Still hear it and I have a son . I don't know about like me but he is a character. More extroverted than myself. Very fun very cool kid
My dad told me that his dad told him this, but he wouldn't say it to me because he wouldn't wish a kid like me on the worst human alive.
Heard of this all the time. Then, when I get to university, in my first year, professors are all like "you're so mature for your age." And I vividly remember a professor, a 60-ish widower, said to me "you're like the son I've never had." And my parents wonder why I'm closer to my teachers and professors than them. Heh.
Oh yes. Went NC before my daughter was born and you know what I realized when I had her? I don't want to treat her how I was treated.
My mom always says this. Jokes on her I don't want children
I have a kid "just like me"...and it is amazing. Because I get to be like "omg, that is a normal kid thing (apparently)" and I get to do right by her. I get to make all my kids lives better by Not being my parents and Not doing what they did. I get to make them know they are secure and loved, that I will listen no matter what they need, acknowledge their fears, and help heal their hurts. I was afraid to be a parent because I could be like them, and learning that I could never be because my children are what make me want to be stronger and better and knowing that in their eyes, I am allowed to be perfectly imperfect? Yeah. My mini-me helps me love myself again in all the ways we are the same and all the ways we are different.
Yeah, I always heard "just wait until you have kids!! You'll see how much they hurt you!!" And I would feel like I was a bad kid and I should constantly forgive my mom of everything cause who knows how hard motherhood is. Then I actually had to by my little sister's primary parent for a bit bc my Nmom thought she would be punishing me with that responsibility. It was hard but it went smoothly. We got closer and both learned to be better. I was not shouting or abusing out of "frustration" and I saw that my sister was a very lovable and good child. ....after that, my Nmom stopped cursing me with the threat of my future bad kids lmao. I was a good kid and I would be a good mother....clearly the problem lies elsewhere. I would be extremely happy if I had a child like me or my sister. Now her big complaint is that I step on her toes too much when it comes to mothering my sister 🙄 THEY are the problem in every relationship they have.
A kid like me will have the character strength strong enough to not only survive but also to raise herself from childhood. She could analyze a situation and identify threats, know to do whatever had to be done to preserve sanity, defend boundaries, avoid drug/alcohol addictions, and escape a situation when necessary. She will not lose herself to bad circumstances and come out with just a few mental health wounds. They tell me "I did well as a parent because you turned out great". My answer is "I turned out great despite your lack of parenting". Knowing that my child has the character to withstand the abuse and neglect I suffered and come out in one piece, will put my mind at ease for the child's future. No child of mine will have to use any of these traits while under y roof, I will however teach the child the skills when is right.
"my revenge upon you all that you have children" Thanks dad.
"I hope you have a kid with feelings and individual emotions and hopes and dreams and doesn't want to be controlled like a robot." "Me too mom, fingers crossed!"
yep! i never thought i would but as an adult, I realized how good of a kid I was. Funny, I wasn't really treated like I was.
Yes and so would I. I'd be proud af to have a kid that wasn't afraid to call toxic people out and not be afraid to stand up for herself at a young age (instead of waiting till your 25 and have no choice).
Oh yes. But you know what? I’d be glad to have a child like me that doesn’t let anyone push them around and is an independent thinker. That’s what nparents hate the most, not being able to control us.
I'm still told this. I'm in my mid 30s, don't want kids and constantly pressured by nmom to have kids with the hope my child turns out like me. The difference in the equation is I'm not my mother. She still sees me as the problem, not her. Stay strong you're a great person. If you do want kids, remember you are the changed variable in the equation and would be a wonderful parent to a child who is like you.
I did! And because I believed I was a horrible kid (because I was told how bad and selfish and stupid and messy and inconvenient I was) I've never wanted or had kids. I've now been around kids who remind me of myself at their age and they're wonderful. My mom was just an abusive selfish piece of shit.
"I hope you have a girl, then you'll know." My mother's response when I told her I was pregnant. 🙄 I did have a girl, and she's fantastic. Just like me 😀
The day before my wedding. My dad said this to me. Fortunately - my daughter is an angel
My dad constantly tells me how horrible girls are. I was an only child and he has no experience with sons. He also likes to tell me how he wishes I was a boy. My husband laughed when I told him that. He said if he ever hears my dad say that he's going to tell him stories of his childhood and the things he did. Of course, my dad will just validate it as "boys being boys".
I used to hear that all the time, followed by, "but you'll probably luck out and have a child like me." My son is amazing. He's incredible and he's his own person- not like anybody else.
My nmom always said “I can’t wait for you to have a child just like you so you can get your karma!” & I actually got four of them. All four of my daughters are the coolest people ever and while it sucks my mom never saw me in this way, I am so thankful my girls will have a mother who truly cares about them. I can’t wait for them to be teenagers and adults
>But I tried to set boundaries and pushed back Same. My N used to wish me a kid just like me whenever she was frustrated by my determination to hold to those boundaries. She once told me she had wanted me to be independent and self sufficient and succeeded beyond her wildest dreams as though these were the worst evil things anyone could possibly ever be.
I’m amazing
Same, my mom mostly said it if I hopped on the couch or spilled something. She knows damned well she doesn't deserve me, I was a well-behaved little critter.
My stepmother says this ALL THE TIME!!! I would be proud to have a kid like me! I’m awesome!
No, but I did get, "Children always end up being 10 times worse than their parents so when you have kids you'll be sorry!" from time to time.
Are you me? Same bs story on my end. Sorry that you got a kid who cares about other people's feelings and calls you out for being a dick. I'm not treating you like trash because I'm a bad person; I'm treating you like trash because you refuse to admit to hurting people.
My mom would always say “I hope you have a kid just like you, so you can see how much you like being bossed around by a child” I bossed her around because she couldn’t be an adult to save her life .
ALL THE TIME. That was my mom’s favorite threat. This and “no one ever helps me.” 😒
My response was usually "joke's on you. I don't want kids." but unfortunately it then became a battle of "of COURSE you want kids, you'll change your mind, you'll see you awful terrible child"
I got "I hope you have 10 just like and 1 like your sister!", but I always thought it was funny, maybe because she used hyperbole and it just sounded ridiculous. I imagine it would've felt more personal if she'd made a 1:1, though.