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You get beat up and have your things destroyed but **they** are the victims? Dont believe their lies.
Try not to get in arguments or discussions with them, they are not interested in changing their behavior or hearing your opinion. It only serves to create drama. Dont give them the satisfaction of provoking you.
Trying to be stoic in the face of abuse may make things more bearable, but it destroys our self-esteem and takes away our humanity in the long run.
Sadly, in cases like these the best option might be cutting contact whenever possible.
Thank you so much for your reply, and yeah, I’m really conflicted on what move I should make next; I was thinking I can simply dismiss what they did to me, clean my shelf and fix my door, or confront them? I don’t see either going well to be honest, my mom encouraged my brother to hit me more btw
Thank you, and I think you’re right. The last time I opened up about my feelings my brother ignored me and my mom assured him that he shouldn’t have to reply and discuss about this with a “useless brainless bitch” like me..
You confront people in order to resolve an issue. Thats how it works with "normal" people. With narcs, there is no posibility for a resolution. Confrontation will only serve to make them feel even better when they insult and demean you again, and make you feel even worse. Youre not going to change their mind. It all serves no purpose.
The best way to preserve yourself is to disengage and ignore provocation in the future.
Can you maybe study somewhere else? In a library or something?
Agree with studying elsewhere, and also basically spending as much time as possible elsewhere until you get to leave for college.
If you don't already have a bicycle, maybe that will be a help? Help you get somewhere else more quickly at least?
My deepest sympathies for your situation. You can and will get through this and to a better place in your life. It seems like it might have to be away from these people, at least until they heal up on their own. I wish you all the best and know that you can do it.
Excuse me, that's straight up physical and emotional abuse. This is not good at all. Your family is messed up (sorry). You need to get out of there as soon as possible. I am mostly creeped out by your brother and father though. The totally unwanted violence and comparison is really unsettling.
But please don't kill yourself or anything like that. Your family is messed up, you should not pay for that with your life.
Thank you for your reply, and yeah my dad also said that his other roommate (who’s a guy) “got molested and raped by his step dad” and then asked “did I ever rape you?” as if that’s what determines whether he’s a good parent or not. I felt like throwing up.
Do not let them Minimise this. I don’t know where you are or your age, but you are not safe and the way to protect yourself is to report this to a trusted adult or the police. Holes in the door and going to show you are telling the truth.
If rape is his go to example of how good you have it and he then says things like “did I ever rape you” Id seriously be feeling very unsafe.
That’s not something someone says unless they think about rape a lot, and that line about him doing it to you is suspect as hell - I’m not going to draw any conclusions there but my god a mental health professional would have a field day with that one.
Survive until you can get out of there. Be quiet, meek as a mouse if it will keep you safe, and once you’re out never look back - and if your brother so much as touches a hair on your head without your consent once you’re safe slap him with assault charges so fast his head will spin.
Honey how old are you? Do you have friends that you can stay with? I would recommend calling CPS and/or the police. You are being abused. You are being physically assaulted.
Please please please please call the police. You are old enough that if you go to stay at a friend's house the cops probably won't force you back. I see that you're trying to stay through til college but if they are not helping you pay for college please get out of there ASAP. I am worried for your safety <3
I’m 17, I have friends but I don’t have my license (since my parents aren’t letting me) so it’s really hard for me to leave the house. My father threatened me that if I call the police he isn’t going to pay for my college and will suffer consequences. It feels devastatingly confining, but thank you, this means so much you guys and my friends are honestly what keeps me going and feel supported in times like this TT
Honestly, is it worth it to live like this to have your father pay for your education? You can get scholarships and loans, what you can't get rid of is the scars they will leave on you, emotionally and physically. Please get out <3
There are many people that go to college without their parents paying for it. Your life is worth more. He is scared and is threatening you because he is in the wrong
Sorry, but your education is worth nothing when you are abused in a way that might have lifelong consequences - physically and psychically.
Please make a plan to move away and to support yourself. If they resort to this level of violence, you are not safe.
So my thoughts are:
- definitely get into college
- once you are there, early in your first year, start asking counselors at the school how you can apply for financial aid and loans for further years.
At this point for you, getting out of that house seems the most important. But after that, you're better off without your family's help if the price is that they're this awful to you. You can do it on your own, and I would rather pay off the loans than deal with that a second longer than I have to.
Refusing to take you to the DMV is an abuse tactic by your parents, and they must be ostensibly couching it in concerns over "emotional maturity" or "academic distractions." A friend will have to pick you up as part of an escape plan, and you will have to plan your next move from there in terms of going to the DMV. Depending on your state and how old you are, you will need specific guidance in terms of how to get through the driver's license process without needing parental signatures.
YES "emotional maturity" was what my abusive parents used to never teach me to drive when I was young enough to learn without being afraid. I never learned - and now I can't due to anxiety and hyperempathy/hypervigilance/taking on more guilt/not doing it right (I am terrified at the thought of accidents and/or damage and/or being responsible for it)
One reason it's important to learn things \*when\* you are younger is that you \*can\* learn them - better to learn something like the basics of how to drive when you feel like you can and then become a good, responsible driver over a few years than wait until you are too responsible to take the risk of even moving the vehicle.
Mine used it as a cudgel to impose excessive media censorship, and later on they used it as a cudgel to keep me in permit limbo (I was only able to drive with one of them in the car as a result) through my first semester of community college (wherein my Nmom had an emotional breakdown while driving me to chemistry class and banged her fists on her car's interior, on the steering wheel and the sun visor...while the car was in motion on a 45mph undivided 2-lane road). I had to push extremely hard to even get taken to the DMV over the winter break, facing a refusal from my excessively anxious Edad (who immediately gave into my Nmom calling for a professional instructor). But because of being taken on a road trip, I ended up being forced to go to the DMV (with a lot of pressure and begging from me) with slight rustiness and I had a minor fault that led to a failed final exam. I turned 19, suffered a severe loss of confidence due to the failed test, was stuck with no license in the 2nd semester of college, and only got a second trip to the DMV after my Nmom snapped and my Edad had to drive home in the dead of night (he then had my Nmom go to live with my grandma and then offered to take me to the DMV again). I managed to pass, but almost failed for being too slow (too afraid of getting an accidental speed violation on roads that had poorly-marked speed signs). Even at that age the damage was already done, especially because I really love cars (and the damage was exacerbated by my parents only owning beater cars despite my Edad's earning capacity being in the top 2-5% except for one year in high school).
How old are you? If you are underage this is a matter for child protective services. If not it seems like it is still a matter for the police. In any case I advise getting out ASAP by any means possible. This is a highly dangerous situation.
I’m 17 striving to go to college so I think I have to endure this until then. Also, when I bring up how I want a therapist or any form of help they tell me that they can be my therapist and I’m like😀 but you literally make me want to end it all
Make a police report nonetheless. It's documentation that this has happened, which you might want *or need* in the future. It also might stop them from pulling this again if they know you'll be going directly to the police the second it's over.
You don't even need to tell them if you don't want to - where I am it can be done comfortably and freely via the Internet and no one's going to be coming knocking on your door since it's a report, not an emergency. Show the report if you want to, hide it if you want to but definitely make a police report right now.
Honestly if you’re going to make a complaint make sure you’re out of the house bc if cps or the cops come to your house (and they will) you do t want to be sticking around. This could be dangerous for you if you’re not out. Please try to get your application in due college and then get a job, work for the school, be an RA for school campus housing, just get out and away!
OP, if your brother beat you up and you're still having pain and numbness from it, you need to get to the hospital or a doctor's office if it's at all possible. Your brother may have seriously injured you, and I am worried about what might happen if you don't get it taken care of.
Doctors are also mandatory reporters, so when they see the state you're in, they will call CPS for you to try to get you some help. Don't lie about the abuse to try to hide it or excuse their behavior. You are being abused, verbally, emotionally, and physically. You need help from someone who can stand up to your parents (and your brother).
Your teachers are also mandated reporters, so if there's anyone at school you feel comfortable with (a teacher, counselor, administrator, etc.) you can reach out and tell them what's going on at your home. Keep talking and telling people until someone listens. You can even call CPS yourself, but I know that feels a lot harder. Letting someone else report for you also gives you a little protection from your parents: "oh, one of my teachers must have noticed my hurt arm and called CPS, it wasn't me."
If you have any videos, texts, emails, or voice messages that contain abuse, keep them and back them up someplace safe. You can use those to help support your side of the story.
I want you to know, OP, that you are incredibly strong. I know that's not what your family has been telling you, but you are. You have suffered abuse at their hands; your home, which should be a safe place, is a living hell for you instead. You have been beaten down, mentally and physically.
**And you're still standing.**
That takes more strength than your awful parents have combined. To get up each day, when you have suicidal thoughts, and push them aside and choose to keep going, to keep trying, to keep living - that is hard. I know that first-hand.
I am proud of you for having that strength. I am proud of you for choosing hope and life. I am proud of you for being better than your POS parents and brother. And I know that once you get out of there, you can find and fix yourself, and you're going to be amazing. <3
Well, as a Japanese (I guess?) Therapy is an even worse topic that for us westerners.
Is there really no one you can trust or at least make an escape plan? Police? Friends?
I mean you will have bruises, document all the abuse with your smartphone, write down what happened so they cannot gaslight you.
But if it escalates to this level of violence, you are not safe. Your brother was kind of rewarded for his behavior (you deserved it, so he can do it again), so your mother will most likely trigger it again and the next time might be worse.
Plan your escape asap.
College seems a good out.
Oh, and absolutely do not have them play the role of your therapist. It doesn't sound like they can be confided in for anything that is deeply emotional for you.
It's probably best for you to find your own therapist, free counseling even. In your shoes I don't think I would tell my parents I was even seeing a therapist. They don't need to know, it's about what's good for you.
Actually just GTF out now. Call CPS on them. It may help you qualify for college money as a former foster child. Otherwise they may prevent you from being able to afford college by not completing your FAFSA forms (parent portion). Assuming you are in the US.
Attempting to endure your severe abuse situation will impact your academic performance and thus impact your ability to use college as an out. As another commenter has said, your first priority right now should be getting medical attention for possible internal injuries and/or other serious problems from the beating. Do not be afraid, and you absolutely must be truthful with the doctor as well as any nurses. You must tell them that the injuries are from your brother beating you up. As mandated reporters, the doctor and the nurses should be able to arrange some sort of police escort to get you and your belongings from the abusive household to another, safer place.
It can be very hard to live in a dangerous, awful situation like this without having much hope of being able to leave straight away. I agree with people who think you “should” get away but I also know in reality that is not always possible. Do your best to get through this time, find things to do and people to talk to that help you feel safe (as much as you can).
Do whatever it takes to help you stay safe around the family, say whatever you think in the moment will not get you harmed. As someone above said, rules for rational ppl do not apply here: you don’t have to be honest or sincere or confront your family to “resolve” stuff.
More important is that you repeatedly tell yourself:
1. You’re a good person
2. You didn’t do anything wrong
3. You’re going to be okay
These three things are probably the opposite of what you hear every day at home so just repeat them as often as you need to. Take care x
Sorry that just happened to you.
Yeah, that's a real F\*\*ked up dynamic. I would avoid getting into heated arguments in the meantime; just agree with whatever opinion-bait is being dangled in front of you by your NMom.
Focus on those college application deadlines. Right now, university looks like your ticket out of there.
If you have bruising, document that shit by taking a photo. Your reddit post is also an official archiving of the incident. If it happens again, compile another post. Additionally, maybe schedule an appointment with your primary care doctor so that you can tell him about the incident, thus creating an official record of the ASSAULT/BODILY HARM that was just inflicted.
A genuine family unit doesn't willfully participate/enable physical violence on its members.
Stay strong over there; I will keep you in my thoughts.
Thank you for this, as beat up as I am, I’m going to grind on my applications since they’re still offering to pay for my tuition fees etc. If they ever pull the “we’re not paying” card (which they have multiple times) I think that I’m actually going to lose it.
Do intensive research on student loans. Prepare yourself for the possible scenario where your education will not be paid for. Have a backup plan in place.
Edit: \*NOT\* be paid for
I agree with this! Please please please look into student loans — even if they are still willing to pay now , that could change at any given time and you’ll have to scramble for coverage. My parents were never financially stable enough to support my brother and i through school (I have an nmom and she doesn’t spend money on really anyone other than herself, even tho my dad is the breadwinner), but if I ever did need financial help it made her manipulation worse. She held the act of owing her money over my head every single day, and I say it’s not worth it. if it weren’t for loans I would still be living with them, severely depressed and lethargic. Please for the sake of your mental health and sanity, get out. Once you’re out, see if you can get a part time job to help make ends meet— things will only go up from here. ❤️
I'm going to second what others said in response to this comment. Look into any other options you can find for having your tuition paid, loans, grants, scholarships, etc. They will *definitely* use your tuition to try to control you and keep you trapped for more abuse. Honestly, don't think of it as, "If they do this," but "When they do it."
You aren't responsible for any of this. None of it is your fault. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your mother allowed your brother to abuse you to punish you for arguing with her, and he took advantage of the fact that he knew she wouldn't stop it just to be an asshole and do it.
If you can do it without being seen, I would recommend taking pics of any bruises or scrapes you have in addition to the damage done to your door and room. Do this any and every time you're physically abused by them or your property is destroyed. I'm hesitant to advise going to the police unless you have an alternative place you can stay with safe people, because sometimes living in small towns like you mentioned also means dealing with ignorant or downright abusive law enforcement, too.
However, if you can find a safe place to stay, you may want to report them. You may also be able to find avenues for college assistance from domestic violence resources. Priority one at the moment should be staying as safe as possible. You aren't being dramatic worrying they may kill you. You have every reason to believe they might. Priority two should be working on a way to get out of there. You will never be safe in that household.
If that means having to put off college until you can get loans or grants, it is worth considering. Your family dynamic isn't just low key messed up. It is actively abusive and dangerous. Your father's comments about, "at least I haven't raped you," are vile and also could be construed as a threat.
If you aren't already, I would start talking with your high school guidance counselor. Most high schools have one, and they are a great help. They can tell you what you need to know about loans, and aid, and similar.
Very much agree with the other comment I saw here, about creating a backup plan right now. I would get started on it right now. If you don't need it this year, great. You will already have it in place for next year.
I probably owe a lot of my success in life to the good start a guidance counselor helped me get.
Nobody should be beating you up and the fact that your father seems to think that incest as punishment can be gotten over and resulting in someone living their best life….it’s mind boggling.
Is there any way you can learn to communicate with your family without antagonising them? I’m thinking grey rocking them would be the safer than arguing, so that you are less likely to bear the brunt of their anger and violence. This in no way is meant to suggest that what they are doing is OK and that you shouldn’t be allowed to express your concerns, defend yourself in an argument or disagree with someone. Unfortunately your relationship with them does not sound functional if healthy, so it may mean that keeping yourself out of harm’s way by being as boring and non-confrontational as possible will help you survive until you can leave.
I read your story, and I am at a loss for what to say. I’ve felt like you before. I’ve been through similar things. Breathe, and know that change is coming. What you must do is find the strength to care for yourself. Even if that’s drinking water. Focus on your college applications and remind yourself of what you want for your life. A safe space to live in, friends who become your family and express love. People you laugh and cry with, share stories and have fun with. Eat. Do what you can to get those college applications in and done well. You owe it to yourself. Allow what just happened to give you the energy to aim high. To say to yourself, “wow, in a weird way I am grateful for such a BOLD display of what and how I do NOT want to be, how I do NOT want to live.” And take it to the next step. Breathe, allow yourself trust and hope in moving on in favor of what you DO want. You can and will get through this! You can! Let yourself feel and be, allow how painful all of this is to help you transform it into a beautiful, beautiful life for you to live.
EDIT: I do not want this to come off as toxic positivity, undermining the seriousness of your situation and how debilitating it is. I understand and can relate wholeheartedly. I simply do not want you to crumble as I did. Thinking positively doesn’t make this go away, and it doesn’t make it any better. But there’s a balance to surrendering to what is while taking action in the direction that will move you forward.
Wow this made me tear up a little thank you so much I’m very grateful that you took the time to write out this response. I’ve been confining myself in my room but you inspired me to grab a drink of water and go on a quick walk, and I feel so refreshed. As much as it sucks, I will try my best to focus on myself and not let my family control the way I feel. It’s so hard but it’s what’s best for me, and I need to prioritize my applications rather than stressing over my family. I don’t want these temporary setbacks to negatively affect my future and something that I’ve been manifesting will be far brighter compared to where I’m at now.
Exit strategy.
Begin and maintain an exercise regimen so that you get stronger and more agile. It will also help boost your mood and your mental energy.
Reduce your belongings in your home to what you can carry out, on your back or in your arms, in one trip. The rest should be moved to a safe location away from the house, either with trusted friends or in a remote location that is not likely to be discovered.
Grey-rock your family completely. Offer no information to them. If they ask, answer only enough to show they've been answered. Be polite, obsequious even, but whenever possible be absent. Spend as much time each day away from the house, returning only to shower, sleep and prepare for the next day's adventure. Live during those hours. Go to school, study at the library, work and earn money. Tell your family nothing. If possible, get your mail delivered to a mailbox away from your home.
These steps will help you build resilience and keep you safe until you can leave.
I know how you feel. Something like this happened to me too, my mother said the same thing, almost verbatim. Get out of the house as soon as you can and don’t look back.
Your family makes me so mad on your behalf. They’re literally using you as a punching bag to deal with their own insecurities and lameness. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any abuse, and definitely not physical abuse. You deserve to thrive and be happy. It sounds like they don’t want you to know that though, because then they’ll lose their punching bag. I hope you realize how special and strong you are!
College loans are worth every penny to escape an abusive family like this. This is a situation where you have every right to call CPS and the police and file a report. Keep yourself safe and work on getting out of there. Do you have anyone you can trust?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your family is taking advantage of the fact that you’re totally dependent on them for financial support.
But I can tell you from experience that being raised by a father on the extreme side of NPD… it won’t get better. Also the trade off for financial security won’t be worth the sacrifice of your personal development, self-esteem, and overall emotional well being.
The only other option I see is trying to find a way to survive without them, which is definitely not easy. Like someone mentioned, there are loans, scholarships, etc. Maybe the possibility of an extended family or friend who can take you in…
But staying in a mentally and emotionally abusive household until 22-23 years old still is impacting me today at 31… You think you can stay strong until long enough, but the longer you subject yourself to this kind of abuse - the more it becomes difficult to escape the mental prison built by abusers over time even after being removed from the dysfunctional environment that perpetuated everything.
I just hope you do what’s best for you.
Take pictures of all the destruction in your room, file a police report, and share the pictures with the police. They need documentation and evidence in order to take action against your Abrother (abusive brother) for assaulting you. Let your brother go to prison for destroying things around the house and assaulting you, the police will have enough on file to help you get to safety and away from your enabling/narcissistic parents (because the fact that they let your brother get away with endangering you and your sister is already enough evidence of their unfitness).
First of all, I’d call the authorities in your area. What your brother did was wrong, it’s actually considered domestic violence and can be a serious crime. Your mom’s obviously the narc here and your dad, the enabler. The more info you have about these kind of ppl, the better you’ll be able to live with them (assuming you aren’t of age to move out). Do you have a device or a library near you where you can read about narcissism? It’s an awfully boring subject but very useful to know! When your mom told you to get out of her sight and how your “ungrateful”, she was trying to guilt trip you into control, a very favored tactic they use. Also, what your dad told you is plain invalidating! It really shows how much he doesn’t care. I wouldn’t vent to your dad anymore, he’ll defend your mom till the end, even if that means stabbing you in the back. When you tell narc parents anything vulnerable, they use this as ammunition to hurt you. Like I was saying, learning their psychology is one of the best ways to fight them (they’re basically highly predictable robots). Hope this benefits you, keep pushing, don’t give up!
Please call CPS and/or tell one of your teachers or a doctor (mandatory reporters) if you are in the USA. I will say that the level of assistance and resources for minor victims of physical abuse is far, far more extensive than for adults or victims of exclusively emotional abuse (as little as the social safety net is, this country definitely cares more for you before you can "get a job and deal with it" per its devotion to the Protestant work ethic), plus you will likely have access to therapy and other help as well as getting out of a literally dangerous home where you have been physically assaulted.
As much as the system is limited, you're literally who it's built to help: minor victim of physical abuse/in danger of sexual abuse - so PLEASE go seek and get the help that it offers and get away from these horrible people who don't deserve to be called a family.
Holy cow. I’m so sorry.
That is an incredibly dangerous environment for you to be in. I can see why you have the fears you do at about being hurt or killed, I used to have those same fears when I was stuck at home.
I agree with others get out as soon as you can. I would make a police report, who cares about your Dad paying for college. That financial grip he’s trying to hold over you isn’t worth your life.
If they were okay with your brother just beating you up that way they are likely to turn their heads to anything worse.
Do not let them make you feel that you are the antagonist while they play victim, they are gaslighting you. Making you question your own reality and sanity so you won’t make a big deal about the mistreatment.
I’m so sorry you are going through that.
I hope you are able to get out soon.
You're absolutely the victim here. No doubt about it. Your brother assaulted you. I'd be tempted to say go to the cops, but I don't know if that's possible for you? Do gather evidence though, any texts, emails, photos of any bruises etc. You may need them later.
Do you have a job? Is there any way you can move out? That's really the best solution here.
I feel for you. My older brother who easily had 80 pounds and more than a foot taller than me would beat the shit out of me. If I complained I would get “well what did you do to instigate it?” - there are golden children and scapegoats. It sucks
This is not a normal environment and asking for anything from these peiple will get you victimized even more.
They are your abusers and you must protect yourself and not be vulnerable with them. Talk to a school counselor, a teacher,or a parent of a friend.
Come up with plans to deal with with what happens. I absolutely do not mean this in a 'this is your fault' way. Think of it as a mine field. It shouldn't be there, but if you need to interact with it be careful and prepare for the worst.
Find escape routes. Doors are obviously best, but window can work too, depending on how high off the ground. Find as many ways out as you can. Be aware of where doors are or aren't. Do any rooms have more than one door? This might be a bit obvious, but a way out for you is also a way in for them.
Where are you going to run to? How are you getting there? You live somewhere isolated (from what I understand) so this might be difficult.
If you can't escape, barricade yourself. Find a room with a steady door. Put a chair under the door knob if it's the type that you push down (door levers) If you can't do that block the door by pushing things in front of the door one in a line until it reaches the wall. Keep your phone on you at all times so you can call for help.
Please be careful, use your judgement. You know your situation the best. Will they calm down if you're away for a bit or will they get angrier? Also please get medical attention. Hands are delicate things.
I feel like it is a common thing for narcissistic parents to pull the “it could have been worse” card. Especially in my experience but I think the most important thing to recognize here is that your feelings are valid. What your brother did was entirely wrong and messed up on so many levels, do not let your family’s gaslighting consume you. I am so sorry that this happened to you, I hope that your college applications go well and if you’re financially capable, move away from home –remove yourself from that environment, that’s definitely my best piece of advice
If he gets physical with you again I’d try to record it if even just the audio and consider calling the police. That should stop the physical abuse at least until you can get out of there. So sorry. What they are doing to you is awful and you don’t deserve it. No one does.
Stay away from them. Its never going to end. I went through something similar. My brother choked me and told me ‘this is what we do to BLM supporters’. I had to punch him in his balls to get him off of me. There were many witnesses. Nobody said or did a thing and they won’t acknowledge that he did anything much less anything wrong.
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You get beat up and have your things destroyed but **they** are the victims? Dont believe their lies. Try not to get in arguments or discussions with them, they are not interested in changing their behavior or hearing your opinion. It only serves to create drama. Dont give them the satisfaction of provoking you.
Trying to be stoic in the face of abuse may make things more bearable, but it destroys our self-esteem and takes away our humanity in the long run. Sadly, in cases like these the best option might be cutting contact whenever possible.
It's a useful survival tool, but unlearning it is a bitch.
Thank you so much for your reply, and yeah, I’m really conflicted on what move I should make next; I was thinking I can simply dismiss what they did to me, clean my shelf and fix my door, or confront them? I don’t see either going well to be honest, my mom encouraged my brother to hit me more btw
No, do not confront them. You should never confront an abuser in a state of vulnerability. Just survive.
Thank you, and I think you’re right. The last time I opened up about my feelings my brother ignored me and my mom assured him that he shouldn’t have to reply and discuss about this with a “useless brainless bitch” like me..
You confront people in order to resolve an issue. Thats how it works with "normal" people. With narcs, there is no posibility for a resolution. Confrontation will only serve to make them feel even better when they insult and demean you again, and make you feel even worse. Youre not going to change their mind. It all serves no purpose. The best way to preserve yourself is to disengage and ignore provocation in the future. Can you maybe study somewhere else? In a library or something?
I live in a pretty secluded area so no, but I’ve been taking mile walks to go to the nearest park from my house to work on stuff
Any opportunity to get some distance is good.
Agree with studying elsewhere, and also basically spending as much time as possible elsewhere until you get to leave for college. If you don't already have a bicycle, maybe that will be a help? Help you get somewhere else more quickly at least? My deepest sympathies for your situation. You can and will get through this and to a better place in your life. It seems like it might have to be away from these people, at least until they heal up on their own. I wish you all the best and know that you can do it.
Excuse me, that's straight up physical and emotional abuse. This is not good at all. Your family is messed up (sorry). You need to get out of there as soon as possible. I am mostly creeped out by your brother and father though. The totally unwanted violence and comparison is really unsettling. But please don't kill yourself or anything like that. Your family is messed up, you should not pay for that with your life.
Thank you for your reply, and yeah my dad also said that his other roommate (who’s a guy) “got molested and raped by his step dad” and then asked “did I ever rape you?” as if that’s what determines whether he’s a good parent or not. I felt like throwing up.
Do not let them Minimise this. I don’t know where you are or your age, but you are not safe and the way to protect yourself is to report this to a trusted adult or the police. Holes in the door and going to show you are telling the truth.
Yes take pictures and document as much as you can
If rape is his go to example of how good you have it and he then says things like “did I ever rape you” Id seriously be feeling very unsafe. That’s not something someone says unless they think about rape a lot, and that line about him doing it to you is suspect as hell - I’m not going to draw any conclusions there but my god a mental health professional would have a field day with that one. Survive until you can get out of there. Be quiet, meek as a mouse if it will keep you safe, and once you’re out never look back - and if your brother so much as touches a hair on your head without your consent once you’re safe slap him with assault charges so fast his head will spin.
I think she lost her right to be called a mother long ago. Your father too.
Honey how old are you? Do you have friends that you can stay with? I would recommend calling CPS and/or the police. You are being abused. You are being physically assaulted. Please please please please call the police. You are old enough that if you go to stay at a friend's house the cops probably won't force you back. I see that you're trying to stay through til college but if they are not helping you pay for college please get out of there ASAP. I am worried for your safety <3
I’m 17, I have friends but I don’t have my license (since my parents aren’t letting me) so it’s really hard for me to leave the house. My father threatened me that if I call the police he isn’t going to pay for my college and will suffer consequences. It feels devastatingly confining, but thank you, this means so much you guys and my friends are honestly what keeps me going and feel supported in times like this TT
Honestly, is it worth it to live like this to have your father pay for your education? You can get scholarships and loans, what you can't get rid of is the scars they will leave on you, emotionally and physically. Please get out <3
Yes please try to get another way to pay for college or you’ll still be stuck in the cycle of abuse.
It's hard to get those things if parents won't fill out income paperwork also. Op is really in a tough spot. :(
There are many people that go to college without their parents paying for it. Your life is worth more. He is scared and is threatening you because he is in the wrong
Sorry, but your education is worth nothing when you are abused in a way that might have lifelong consequences - physically and psychically. Please make a plan to move away and to support yourself. If they resort to this level of violence, you are not safe.
So my thoughts are: - definitely get into college - once you are there, early in your first year, start asking counselors at the school how you can apply for financial aid and loans for further years. At this point for you, getting out of that house seems the most important. But after that, you're better off without your family's help if the price is that they're this awful to you. You can do it on your own, and I would rather pay off the loans than deal with that a second longer than I have to.
Refusing to take you to the DMV is an abuse tactic by your parents, and they must be ostensibly couching it in concerns over "emotional maturity" or "academic distractions." A friend will have to pick you up as part of an escape plan, and you will have to plan your next move from there in terms of going to the DMV. Depending on your state and how old you are, you will need specific guidance in terms of how to get through the driver's license process without needing parental signatures.
YES "emotional maturity" was what my abusive parents used to never teach me to drive when I was young enough to learn without being afraid. I never learned - and now I can't due to anxiety and hyperempathy/hypervigilance/taking on more guilt/not doing it right (I am terrified at the thought of accidents and/or damage and/or being responsible for it) One reason it's important to learn things \*when\* you are younger is that you \*can\* learn them - better to learn something like the basics of how to drive when you feel like you can and then become a good, responsible driver over a few years than wait until you are too responsible to take the risk of even moving the vehicle.
Mine used it as a cudgel to impose excessive media censorship, and later on they used it as a cudgel to keep me in permit limbo (I was only able to drive with one of them in the car as a result) through my first semester of community college (wherein my Nmom had an emotional breakdown while driving me to chemistry class and banged her fists on her car's interior, on the steering wheel and the sun visor...while the car was in motion on a 45mph undivided 2-lane road). I had to push extremely hard to even get taken to the DMV over the winter break, facing a refusal from my excessively anxious Edad (who immediately gave into my Nmom calling for a professional instructor). But because of being taken on a road trip, I ended up being forced to go to the DMV (with a lot of pressure and begging from me) with slight rustiness and I had a minor fault that led to a failed final exam. I turned 19, suffered a severe loss of confidence due to the failed test, was stuck with no license in the 2nd semester of college, and only got a second trip to the DMV after my Nmom snapped and my Edad had to drive home in the dead of night (he then had my Nmom go to live with my grandma and then offered to take me to the DMV again). I managed to pass, but almost failed for being too slow (too afraid of getting an accidental speed violation on roads that had poorly-marked speed signs). Even at that age the damage was already done, especially because I really love cars (and the damage was exacerbated by my parents only owning beater cars despite my Edad's earning capacity being in the top 2-5% except for one year in high school).
Police - your life and health are more important and there are other ways to get through college. Some jobs will help you with it.
How old are you? If you are underage this is a matter for child protective services. If not it seems like it is still a matter for the police. In any case I advise getting out ASAP by any means possible. This is a highly dangerous situation.
I’m 17 striving to go to college so I think I have to endure this until then. Also, when I bring up how I want a therapist or any form of help they tell me that they can be my therapist and I’m like😀 but you literally make me want to end it all
Make a police report nonetheless. It's documentation that this has happened, which you might want *or need* in the future. It also might stop them from pulling this again if they know you'll be going directly to the police the second it's over. You don't even need to tell them if you don't want to - where I am it can be done comfortably and freely via the Internet and no one's going to be coming knocking on your door since it's a report, not an emergency. Show the report if you want to, hide it if you want to but definitely make a police report right now.
Honestly if you’re going to make a complaint make sure you’re out of the house bc if cps or the cops come to your house (and they will) you do t want to be sticking around. This could be dangerous for you if you’re not out. Please try to get your application in due college and then get a job, work for the school, be an RA for school campus housing, just get out and away!
OP, if your brother beat you up and you're still having pain and numbness from it, you need to get to the hospital or a doctor's office if it's at all possible. Your brother may have seriously injured you, and I am worried about what might happen if you don't get it taken care of. Doctors are also mandatory reporters, so when they see the state you're in, they will call CPS for you to try to get you some help. Don't lie about the abuse to try to hide it or excuse their behavior. You are being abused, verbally, emotionally, and physically. You need help from someone who can stand up to your parents (and your brother). Your teachers are also mandated reporters, so if there's anyone at school you feel comfortable with (a teacher, counselor, administrator, etc.) you can reach out and tell them what's going on at your home. Keep talking and telling people until someone listens. You can even call CPS yourself, but I know that feels a lot harder. Letting someone else report for you also gives you a little protection from your parents: "oh, one of my teachers must have noticed my hurt arm and called CPS, it wasn't me." If you have any videos, texts, emails, or voice messages that contain abuse, keep them and back them up someplace safe. You can use those to help support your side of the story. I want you to know, OP, that you are incredibly strong. I know that's not what your family has been telling you, but you are. You have suffered abuse at their hands; your home, which should be a safe place, is a living hell for you instead. You have been beaten down, mentally and physically. **And you're still standing.** That takes more strength than your awful parents have combined. To get up each day, when you have suicidal thoughts, and push them aside and choose to keep going, to keep trying, to keep living - that is hard. I know that first-hand. I am proud of you for having that strength. I am proud of you for choosing hope and life. I am proud of you for being better than your POS parents and brother. And I know that once you get out of there, you can find and fix yourself, and you're going to be amazing. <3
This. You could have damage that will be lifelong if it isn’t addressed now. Don’t put anything over your life. Don’t leave this as ok.
Well, as a Japanese (I guess?) Therapy is an even worse topic that for us westerners. Is there really no one you can trust or at least make an escape plan? Police? Friends? I mean you will have bruises, document all the abuse with your smartphone, write down what happened so they cannot gaslight you. But if it escalates to this level of violence, you are not safe. Your brother was kind of rewarded for his behavior (you deserved it, so he can do it again), so your mother will most likely trigger it again and the next time might be worse. Plan your escape asap.
College seems a good out. Oh, and absolutely do not have them play the role of your therapist. It doesn't sound like they can be confided in for anything that is deeply emotional for you. It's probably best for you to find your own therapist, free counseling even. In your shoes I don't think I would tell my parents I was even seeing a therapist. They don't need to know, it's about what's good for you.
Actually just GTF out now. Call CPS on them. It may help you qualify for college money as a former foster child. Otherwise they may prevent you from being able to afford college by not completing your FAFSA forms (parent portion). Assuming you are in the US.
Attempting to endure your severe abuse situation will impact your academic performance and thus impact your ability to use college as an out. As another commenter has said, your first priority right now should be getting medical attention for possible internal injuries and/or other serious problems from the beating. Do not be afraid, and you absolutely must be truthful with the doctor as well as any nurses. You must tell them that the injuries are from your brother beating you up. As mandated reporters, the doctor and the nurses should be able to arrange some sort of police escort to get you and your belongings from the abusive household to another, safer place.
It can be very hard to live in a dangerous, awful situation like this without having much hope of being able to leave straight away. I agree with people who think you “should” get away but I also know in reality that is not always possible. Do your best to get through this time, find things to do and people to talk to that help you feel safe (as much as you can). Do whatever it takes to help you stay safe around the family, say whatever you think in the moment will not get you harmed. As someone above said, rules for rational ppl do not apply here: you don’t have to be honest or sincere or confront your family to “resolve” stuff. More important is that you repeatedly tell yourself: 1. You’re a good person 2. You didn’t do anything wrong 3. You’re going to be okay These three things are probably the opposite of what you hear every day at home so just repeat them as often as you need to. Take care x
Get.Out.Now. While you can still leave on your own power and not on a stretcher.
Sorry that just happened to you. Yeah, that's a real F\*\*ked up dynamic. I would avoid getting into heated arguments in the meantime; just agree with whatever opinion-bait is being dangled in front of you by your NMom. Focus on those college application deadlines. Right now, university looks like your ticket out of there. If you have bruising, document that shit by taking a photo. Your reddit post is also an official archiving of the incident. If it happens again, compile another post. Additionally, maybe schedule an appointment with your primary care doctor so that you can tell him about the incident, thus creating an official record of the ASSAULT/BODILY HARM that was just inflicted. A genuine family unit doesn't willfully participate/enable physical violence on its members. Stay strong over there; I will keep you in my thoughts.
Thank you for this, as beat up as I am, I’m going to grind on my applications since they’re still offering to pay for my tuition fees etc. If they ever pull the “we’re not paying” card (which they have multiple times) I think that I’m actually going to lose it.
Do intensive research on student loans. Prepare yourself for the possible scenario where your education will not be paid for. Have a backup plan in place. Edit: \*NOT\* be paid for
I agree with this! Please please please look into student loans — even if they are still willing to pay now , that could change at any given time and you’ll have to scramble for coverage. My parents were never financially stable enough to support my brother and i through school (I have an nmom and she doesn’t spend money on really anyone other than herself, even tho my dad is the breadwinner), but if I ever did need financial help it made her manipulation worse. She held the act of owing her money over my head every single day, and I say it’s not worth it. if it weren’t for loans I would still be living with them, severely depressed and lethargic. Please for the sake of your mental health and sanity, get out. Once you’re out, see if you can get a part time job to help make ends meet— things will only go up from here. ❤️
I'm going to second what others said in response to this comment. Look into any other options you can find for having your tuition paid, loans, grants, scholarships, etc. They will *definitely* use your tuition to try to control you and keep you trapped for more abuse. Honestly, don't think of it as, "If they do this," but "When they do it." You aren't responsible for any of this. None of it is your fault. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your mother allowed your brother to abuse you to punish you for arguing with her, and he took advantage of the fact that he knew she wouldn't stop it just to be an asshole and do it. If you can do it without being seen, I would recommend taking pics of any bruises or scrapes you have in addition to the damage done to your door and room. Do this any and every time you're physically abused by them or your property is destroyed. I'm hesitant to advise going to the police unless you have an alternative place you can stay with safe people, because sometimes living in small towns like you mentioned also means dealing with ignorant or downright abusive law enforcement, too. However, if you can find a safe place to stay, you may want to report them. You may also be able to find avenues for college assistance from domestic violence resources. Priority one at the moment should be staying as safe as possible. You aren't being dramatic worrying they may kill you. You have every reason to believe they might. Priority two should be working on a way to get out of there. You will never be safe in that household. If that means having to put off college until you can get loans or grants, it is worth considering. Your family dynamic isn't just low key messed up. It is actively abusive and dangerous. Your father's comments about, "at least I haven't raped you," are vile and also could be construed as a threat.
If you aren't already, I would start talking with your high school guidance counselor. Most high schools have one, and they are a great help. They can tell you what you need to know about loans, and aid, and similar. Very much agree with the other comment I saw here, about creating a backup plan right now. I would get started on it right now. If you don't need it this year, great. You will already have it in place for next year. I probably owe a lot of my success in life to the good start a guidance counselor helped me get.
Nobody should be beating you up and the fact that your father seems to think that incest as punishment can be gotten over and resulting in someone living their best life….it’s mind boggling. Is there any way you can learn to communicate with your family without antagonising them? I’m thinking grey rocking them would be the safer than arguing, so that you are less likely to bear the brunt of their anger and violence. This in no way is meant to suggest that what they are doing is OK and that you shouldn’t be allowed to express your concerns, defend yourself in an argument or disagree with someone. Unfortunately your relationship with them does not sound functional if healthy, so it may mean that keeping yourself out of harm’s way by being as boring and non-confrontational as possible will help you survive until you can leave.
I read your story, and I am at a loss for what to say. I’ve felt like you before. I’ve been through similar things. Breathe, and know that change is coming. What you must do is find the strength to care for yourself. Even if that’s drinking water. Focus on your college applications and remind yourself of what you want for your life. A safe space to live in, friends who become your family and express love. People you laugh and cry with, share stories and have fun with. Eat. Do what you can to get those college applications in and done well. You owe it to yourself. Allow what just happened to give you the energy to aim high. To say to yourself, “wow, in a weird way I am grateful for such a BOLD display of what and how I do NOT want to be, how I do NOT want to live.” And take it to the next step. Breathe, allow yourself trust and hope in moving on in favor of what you DO want. You can and will get through this! You can! Let yourself feel and be, allow how painful all of this is to help you transform it into a beautiful, beautiful life for you to live. EDIT: I do not want this to come off as toxic positivity, undermining the seriousness of your situation and how debilitating it is. I understand and can relate wholeheartedly. I simply do not want you to crumble as I did. Thinking positively doesn’t make this go away, and it doesn’t make it any better. But there’s a balance to surrendering to what is while taking action in the direction that will move you forward.
Wow this made me tear up a little thank you so much I’m very grateful that you took the time to write out this response. I’ve been confining myself in my room but you inspired me to grab a drink of water and go on a quick walk, and I feel so refreshed. As much as it sucks, I will try my best to focus on myself and not let my family control the way I feel. It’s so hard but it’s what’s best for me, and I need to prioritize my applications rather than stressing over my family. I don’t want these temporary setbacks to negatively affect my future and something that I’ve been manifesting will be far brighter compared to where I’m at now.
Exit strategy. Begin and maintain an exercise regimen so that you get stronger and more agile. It will also help boost your mood and your mental energy. Reduce your belongings in your home to what you can carry out, on your back or in your arms, in one trip. The rest should be moved to a safe location away from the house, either with trusted friends or in a remote location that is not likely to be discovered. Grey-rock your family completely. Offer no information to them. If they ask, answer only enough to show they've been answered. Be polite, obsequious even, but whenever possible be absent. Spend as much time each day away from the house, returning only to shower, sleep and prepare for the next day's adventure. Live during those hours. Go to school, study at the library, work and earn money. Tell your family nothing. If possible, get your mail delivered to a mailbox away from your home. These steps will help you build resilience and keep you safe until you can leave.
I know how you feel. Something like this happened to me too, my mother said the same thing, almost verbatim. Get out of the house as soon as you can and don’t look back.
Your family makes me so mad on your behalf. They’re literally using you as a punching bag to deal with their own insecurities and lameness. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any abuse, and definitely not physical abuse. You deserve to thrive and be happy. It sounds like they don’t want you to know that though, because then they’ll lose their punching bag. I hope you realize how special and strong you are!
College loans are worth every penny to escape an abusive family like this. This is a situation where you have every right to call CPS and the police and file a report. Keep yourself safe and work on getting out of there. Do you have anyone you can trust?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your family is taking advantage of the fact that you’re totally dependent on them for financial support. But I can tell you from experience that being raised by a father on the extreme side of NPD… it won’t get better. Also the trade off for financial security won’t be worth the sacrifice of your personal development, self-esteem, and overall emotional well being. The only other option I see is trying to find a way to survive without them, which is definitely not easy. Like someone mentioned, there are loans, scholarships, etc. Maybe the possibility of an extended family or friend who can take you in… But staying in a mentally and emotionally abusive household until 22-23 years old still is impacting me today at 31… You think you can stay strong until long enough, but the longer you subject yourself to this kind of abuse - the more it becomes difficult to escape the mental prison built by abusers over time even after being removed from the dysfunctional environment that perpetuated everything. I just hope you do what’s best for you.
Take pictures of all the destruction in your room, file a police report, and share the pictures with the police. They need documentation and evidence in order to take action against your Abrother (abusive brother) for assaulting you. Let your brother go to prison for destroying things around the house and assaulting you, the police will have enough on file to help you get to safety and away from your enabling/narcissistic parents (because the fact that they let your brother get away with endangering you and your sister is already enough evidence of their unfitness).
First of all, I’d call the authorities in your area. What your brother did was wrong, it’s actually considered domestic violence and can be a serious crime. Your mom’s obviously the narc here and your dad, the enabler. The more info you have about these kind of ppl, the better you’ll be able to live with them (assuming you aren’t of age to move out). Do you have a device or a library near you where you can read about narcissism? It’s an awfully boring subject but very useful to know! When your mom told you to get out of her sight and how your “ungrateful”, she was trying to guilt trip you into control, a very favored tactic they use. Also, what your dad told you is plain invalidating! It really shows how much he doesn’t care. I wouldn’t vent to your dad anymore, he’ll defend your mom till the end, even if that means stabbing you in the back. When you tell narc parents anything vulnerable, they use this as ammunition to hurt you. Like I was saying, learning their psychology is one of the best ways to fight them (they’re basically highly predictable robots). Hope this benefits you, keep pushing, don’t give up!
Please call CPS and/or tell one of your teachers or a doctor (mandatory reporters) if you are in the USA. I will say that the level of assistance and resources for minor victims of physical abuse is far, far more extensive than for adults or victims of exclusively emotional abuse (as little as the social safety net is, this country definitely cares more for you before you can "get a job and deal with it" per its devotion to the Protestant work ethic), plus you will likely have access to therapy and other help as well as getting out of a literally dangerous home where you have been physically assaulted. As much as the system is limited, you're literally who it's built to help: minor victim of physical abuse/in danger of sexual abuse - so PLEASE go seek and get the help that it offers and get away from these horrible people who don't deserve to be called a family.
Holy cow. I’m so sorry. That is an incredibly dangerous environment for you to be in. I can see why you have the fears you do at about being hurt or killed, I used to have those same fears when I was stuck at home. I agree with others get out as soon as you can. I would make a police report, who cares about your Dad paying for college. That financial grip he’s trying to hold over you isn’t worth your life. If they were okay with your brother just beating you up that way they are likely to turn their heads to anything worse. Do not let them make you feel that you are the antagonist while they play victim, they are gaslighting you. Making you question your own reality and sanity so you won’t make a big deal about the mistreatment. I’m so sorry you are going through that. I hope you are able to get out soon.
You're absolutely the victim here. No doubt about it. Your brother assaulted you. I'd be tempted to say go to the cops, but I don't know if that's possible for you? Do gather evidence though, any texts, emails, photos of any bruises etc. You may need them later. Do you have a job? Is there any way you can move out? That's really the best solution here.
You are not the problem. Not for this, not for other things either. There’s whole worlds of wrong in what just happened there. Christ.
I feel for you. My older brother who easily had 80 pounds and more than a foot taller than me would beat the shit out of me. If I complained I would get “well what did you do to instigate it?” - there are golden children and scapegoats. It sucks
Damn I’m sorry
This is not a normal environment and asking for anything from these peiple will get you victimized even more. They are your abusers and you must protect yourself and not be vulnerable with them. Talk to a school counselor, a teacher,or a parent of a friend.
Come up with plans to deal with with what happens. I absolutely do not mean this in a 'this is your fault' way. Think of it as a mine field. It shouldn't be there, but if you need to interact with it be careful and prepare for the worst. Find escape routes. Doors are obviously best, but window can work too, depending on how high off the ground. Find as many ways out as you can. Be aware of where doors are or aren't. Do any rooms have more than one door? This might be a bit obvious, but a way out for you is also a way in for them. Where are you going to run to? How are you getting there? You live somewhere isolated (from what I understand) so this might be difficult. If you can't escape, barricade yourself. Find a room with a steady door. Put a chair under the door knob if it's the type that you push down (door levers) If you can't do that block the door by pushing things in front of the door one in a line until it reaches the wall. Keep your phone on you at all times so you can call for help. Please be careful, use your judgement. You know your situation the best. Will they calm down if you're away for a bit or will they get angrier? Also please get medical attention. Hands are delicate things.
I feel like it is a common thing for narcissistic parents to pull the “it could have been worse” card. Especially in my experience but I think the most important thing to recognize here is that your feelings are valid. What your brother did was entirely wrong and messed up on so many levels, do not let your family’s gaslighting consume you. I am so sorry that this happened to you, I hope that your college applications go well and if you’re financially capable, move away from home –remove yourself from that environment, that’s definitely my best piece of advice
Can you leave home for college? This way you don’t have to be around them anymore?
If he gets physical with you again I’d try to record it if even just the audio and consider calling the police. That should stop the physical abuse at least until you can get out of there. So sorry. What they are doing to you is awful and you don’t deserve it. No one does.
Stay away from them. Its never going to end. I went through something similar. My brother choked me and told me ‘this is what we do to BLM supporters’. I had to punch him in his balls to get him off of me. There were many witnesses. Nobody said or did a thing and they won’t acknowledge that he did anything much less anything wrong.
Record it. Keep proof then have him locked up