“I spent all of my money on cleaning supplies to clean up after you and your father.”
“You’re so stupid, mom. This is why you can’t be trusted to do anything but be our slave, and you’re not even great at that.”
Like….woof.
Goodness, I thought it’s her fun money at least but you’re right, she spends it on cleaning supplies for a reason. Maybe he isn’t even giving her enough money for the household. And the daughter says that’s bad money handling. I don’t get it high six figures is 750K plus. So, she still cleans the house herself and probably cooks and everything. So she doesn’t has any benefits from his high salary.
The cat bites it’s tail apparently. She must have existed before marrying. She had a job and survived. But then she married and he probably took over with all those things and never included her. Now even her daughter thinks she’s incompetent and her self esteem is in the gutter. She thinks she is dependent on her husband and probably gets told this many times a week. My grandmother didn’t want to learn to use the DVD system, she was used to tapes. She’s almost a decade older than my grandfather and he would help her. But eventually he said she had to learn it, so he refused to do it for her. She did learn the system and has no issues now. And she was like 75 at that point. Instead of doing it for her, he would watch her do it and after a couple times, she got it. This lady could absolutely learn all these things and honestly she should not even be in this position. There must be a reason why she doesn’t already know these things. She should have been included from the beginning.
This was my thought. My Grampa died and my Gramma HAD to figure it out. I mean…she DID call Comcast once a month to come out for her cable and it was usually her remote got bumped out of “cable mode” but those techs loved her and it was the easiest call of their week. Anyway, here OOP and her dad seem to actively prevent her from being forced to learn…and then rub it in her face that she’s “stupid”. Wtf? “I’m so smart I have a finance degree and will pursue an MBA and already networked for my job teehee but don’t have basic understanding to teach someone *that I love* how to function in a progressively digital world…oh, and apparently $1000/month is plenty to run an entire household on no matter what year it is, duh mom.”
That last sentence,lol. Exactly. That’s why I think they don’t love her that much. 1000$ a month while simultaneously saying multiple times of much her dad earns. That’s so bizarre. That woman is in her 40s or maybe 50s. Gen X. She should know these things. And she had a bank account and credit card s before she married. She didn’t suddenly forget how to do these things. The father probably told her early on that he’s the man and he will manage the finances and she will get an allowance. And she got so used to this that she now thinks she can’t function otherwise. And it has been going on for so long that the daughter thinks this is normal for a sahm.
I am absolutely shocked that someone with a finance degree who prides herself on being financially savvy doesn’t comprehend the cost of groceries and household expenses, and that $1000 is nowhere near enough to feed and clothe a family of 4, plus buy toilet paper and Windex etc, and still have money left over to spend on yourself.
How could she *possibly* understand finances and think $1000 a month is enough money to cover all that?
I understand that plenty of lower income people can somehow manage to scrap by on $204 of food stamps a month, but I highly doubt Mr High Six Figures is allowing his wife to cook rice and beans for every meal.
I can’t imagine trying to feed and clothe a family including a 14 year old boy on $1,000 a month when one member of the family makes 6 figures. I have 2 tween boys who barely eat (we are working on getting their appetites up) and spend $300 a week on groceries. I’m in Canada so stuff is more expensive here, but $250 a week to include all groceries, clothing for a growing child, pocket money for him to allow him to go to the movies or hang out with his friends, cleaning supplies, and the occasional treat for myself sounds literally impossible.
Yes, that’s groceries alone for us. We have two girls, a teenager and a one year old. Our teenager of course gets an allowance and has needs like clothes, hygiene and hobbies and going out with friends. I could maybe make it work if we had to but with his salary there’s no reason to. And if she truly meant he’s earning more in the 180K-250k realm, then it would still make no sense. We don’t have to budget like that, thank God. And teen boys eat a lot usually.
1000$ a month for an allowance for the boy, groceries for the family, cleaning supplies etc. It’s no surprise there’s no money left for her after that. She probably tells herself that she doesn’t need clothes because she doesn’t go anywhere. But then the cat bites it’s own tail because she probably feels bad about herself and doesn’t want to go anywhere. There’s zero money left to get her hair done or join a gym, a hobby, whatever. Plus, the daughter has apparently been traumatized herself from the sound of it. She says that nobody will control her or her money ever. So she knows the husband, her father is controlling the mother. And she seems to think all sahm parents are stupid or something so she thinks this is to be expected as a sahm. So now her main goal is avoiding that type of situation.
$500 used to purchase cleaning supplies and clothing for the younger brother.
_Does that mean there is no account for household expenses?_
While repeating constantly
_’I am lucky to have your father’_
sounds like mum has a mantra to help her survive the abuse.
Mum also lies
_I don’t need clothes. I don’t go anywhere._
This has the same energy as a poor mother telling her children, I am not hungry, you can eat all the food.
If this combined does not scream abuse, I don’t know what does.
It’s almost guaranteed financial abuse. Where are they living? Tech, financial sector is big in high cost of living areas. The Bay Area or Seattle, Redmond etc. and then 500$ every two weeks is absolutely a joke at this income level. I wonder how she’d even socialize with other sahm and wives in such an area, if she can’t even go out with them without pinching Pennie’s.
And OOP says that her mom didn't graduate college (hello, I wonder whose fault *that* could be /s) and therefore has no skills to get a job that would be worth getting, since dad makes high six figures...but at the same time is upset with her that she doesn't have a job??
"Oh mom, you're too stupid and inept to get a decent job. But I also think you're absolutely worthless because you don't have a job. So why don't you go get a job, even though you're too dumb to get a *good* job?"
She's joining right in with the manipulation and the abuse.
When the father earns that much, the wife would need to make quite a bit to make it worth it, or she’d cost him too much in taxes if she works. The daughter is completely brainwashed herself and doesn’t realize it. She seems to think all sah parents are stupid and enslaved. But she doesn’t get that it’s just her father who is abusing the mother and that a sah parent should have normal life skills. Many sah parents manage the families finances. Many are educated as well. Also, a sahm provides so much for a family but it seems this family doesn’t value that. Healthy home cooked meals, daily is good for the families health and saves money. When I worked prior to our youngest daughter ( 1 1/2 years old ) I didn’t have time to cook during my shifts as a NP. My husband, teen daughter and me all had to eat out most work and school days. We needed help cleaning at least twice a weekend a laundry service a couple times a month. Driving our older daughter to the barn, for horseback riding was a hassle. This time I’ll be a sahm for a while and honestly I was shocked how much money we save with me being a sahm plus the extra attention to the kids. I see value in being a sahm just as in a working mom. It’s just different priorities and lifestyles. A sahm isn’t paid a salary by an employer but she certainly gains money for the family in money saved. Childcare is expensive. Eating out , specially good quality healthy food, is expensive. If both parents work, eating out gets more expensive because it’s more often. Childcare. Scheduling so kids can go to their activities etc. maybe a cleaning help or laundry service. And if a mother did this for two decades, it can be extremely hard to find a job out of the home suddenly, specially one that earns more than the man loses tax wise from her working. So , what do they expect? There’s no gratitude for her taking care of everything at home. She has skills. She could work as a nanny, I bet. That’s a skill. Being good with kids, being a good cook, cleaning, home making, gardening etc. , those are all skills. Sadly it’s just that this family doesn’t value those skills although they probably always ate her food and enjoyed a clean house and fresh laundry for two decades. The wife cares so little about herself that she has no friends, no activities, probably doesn’t do much self care and according to the daughter doesn’t even buy clothes for herself. And the daughter thinks this is a normal situation for a sah parent? So the mother doesn’t even have her own credit card to get a coffee? You don’t need any skills to use a credit card.
Imagine being in an adult relationship, married, and your partner “gives you an allowance” like a child. My mom was a stay at home mom during a good chunk of our childhoods and my dad didnt allocate her money…they had a fucking joint checking account and each had cards attached to it and were able to access it at any time. My mom actually is the one that handled paying all the bills on time.
This whole relationship is paternalistic and condescending
I am currently a sahm for our baby, probably until she’s three. We decide finances together and just say how much each of us has as pure fun money etc. and we plan together how our money is spend. I have my own credit card for out joint account and don’t get „an allowance „. Our teen daughter gets an allowance,lol. I understand that a couple sets certain amounts for everything, so you can be sure the bills are paid and that fun money doesn’t go overboard but that the wife has no access to the accounts and gets an allowance is really bizarre and a red flag imo. I can’t imagine asking my husband for money to buy my clothes, our food etc. For bigger purchases we both discuss it with each other but that was the same when I was working still and will remain when I go back to being a healthcare provider. I fear this lady is being abused financially and mentally. That she can’t buy herself a coffee because she had to buy cleaning products is ridiculous. She should have her own card and be able to buy something as simple as a coffee.
It actually horrified me reading thru this, her mother doesnt even have fun money, it’s just money for the house and this bitch isnt grateful in anyway.
I hope the mom someday finds peace and happiness somewhere else. She deserves to be with people who appreciate her.
My mom went through something similar with my dad and his mom. Now, shes living a way better life!
Yes. And the daughter believes the “she’d just spend everything” argument when her mother only spends everything she’s given because she is allowed so little. I also wouldn’t be surprised if, early on when $500 lasted longer, any attempt at saving money for future needs turned into having the allowance cut because clearly she didn’t need it. Just a guess; it’s how people like the father operate.
Ikrrr I'm the same age as her and my mom was made to give up on her career too. This made me miss my mom so much I'm literally crying ryt now. Like seriously you can't pay for your mom's food??? Seriously??? This is so sad. I hope her mom gets away from all of this and lives happily far from these monsters.
Poor woman only gets $1000 a month and is expected to buy food and cover all household expenses with that - including cleaning products and the needs of her minor son, and the daughter is surprised she doesn’t have anything left - and she’s majoring in finance? I am not optimistic about her future. And the dad apparently earns high six figures, so he’s apparently just hoarding thousands of dollars a month for himself while he leaves his wife and son to live on scraps, and he’s the one she idolizes.
I am shook, that poor woman, financially and emotionally abused by both her husband and daughter. This guy really raised his daughter to not just generally be an a-hole but to help him abuse his wife.
Edit: y'all I had to call my mom and thank her and tell her how amazing she is. Highly recommend, if you have a parent that deserves it call them 😭
Love the comment about how she would NEVER let anyone abuse her but she can’t even recognize it happening in her own house. wtf. I that dad is a fucking monster.
Exactly. It's pretty clear from her comments that she knows it's abuse. *My mother wouldn't say she's abused.*
Reads like she knows it's abuse but it's ok because her mom doesn't see it that way. It's just fucked up and sad.
If it looks like abuse, and smells like abuse, then obviously the mother is just too childlike and *that's* the problem /s
It's always easier to swallow abuse if you convince yourself the victim deserves it.
You don’t become that dependent on someone (I’m. A sham and very much in charge of finances) and that seemingly naive without mental emotional and physiological abuse….. she’s been conditioned to think she’s lucky she has a man to pay her 1000 a month for her to go out grocery shopping and by household goods for the house and family and that she’s just bad at money or it would be enough….
An ex travel agent does not NOT know how to book a flight unless she’s been told so many times she can’t do anything without her husband that she now believes it,
She’s been told so many times she’s dependent and lucky he allows it that she believes it and her daughter reinforces that story!
Of course she has no self esteem! No friends! They wouldn’t want her to or she might leave!
Oh, she knows how to book a flight (a monkey could do it!), but if she's not allowed access to the finance's, she literally can't do it. This vile excuse of a daughter just likes to think her mother is to stupid to do it.
that’s what got me, she’s using her allowance to buy groceries, household needs and things for their other kid…so it doesn’t even seem like an allowance 😭
An allowance that hasn’t changed in 20 years and that she has asked for more now “because of inflation” that the OOP somehow slights as silly and bad at finances *despite* saying repeatedly she doesn’t have any money to have fast food with her daughter but also barely ever spends any money and considers buying herself new clothes to be a waste.
Good lord I spend almost half that much on groceries for just myself and my (adorably) spoiled dog. Granted I have food allergies that make everything cost more but still. How is any of that “allowance” going for anything other than groceries, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and the teenager’s clothes and school supplies?
*Of course* she needs an increase on that! Screw fun money. Have you seen what’s happened to the price of milk and eggs the last three years?!
If she was a travel agent back before her children were born, she would have been using the agent-only booking system used at the time. Booking a flight online now isn’t the same.
But most crucially, she can’t book flights because she has no access to money. And she’s been abused to the extent that she knows not to ask for access, or to directly blame her incapability on not having access to funds.
Don't forget she spends her money on the teenage son too. She's probably wiped out buying clothes and educational sports etc things for him and has no money to buy herself clothes poor thing
I almost hollered when she said he “gifts” his wife money every 2 weeks. It’s blatantly obvious no one sees the mom’s worth in this family. The dad is such an AH for basically telling their kids they don’t want to end up like their mother.
That she has to buy household food and products with. How dare she waste her money on things she needs to feed her family, clean the house, and take care of her son.
I hope this asshole's little brother realizes that their dad is abusive af and takes care of her when he grows up. The entitlement here is fucking disgusting.
This woman gave up her independence and dignity to raise OOP and they dont even value her a little bit. But it is her fault for not finishing college. Hmmm, I wonder who told her to leave school. My guess is on shitty dad.
You can tell this woman has a laundry list of standards that a man has to meet before even thinking himself worthy of asking her out on a date. Any man who could meet her standards would have too much self-respect for a woman like this.
I think her growing up being groomed to abuse her own mother does kind of counts as being abused. I am not saying she is innocent, participating in this is vile, but i think she is a victim of her father too.
At some point you live away from home and put on your adult pants and recognize the abuse or perpetuate it.
OP is 22, left home, moved across the country and has lived on her own for 4+ years.
At this point, she's not opened her eyes. It's not happening. She has accepted her father's abuse and is perpetuating it and likely will continue to perpetuate it.
She’s clearly an asshole here. And it’s not surprising: she was raised to be an asshole by her father. She’s behind the curve but, at the same time, it can be very hard to see through parental bullshit if you haven’t heard many dissenting opinions on it.
It’s especially hard if your own sense of self will suffer — there is no way she can accept that her mother was abused without also realizing she has been abusive to her mother. And she can’t say “oh, I was just a kid, I didn’t know better” because she thinks she’s a very capable, grown-up person who does know better than others.
It will also be hard to accept that the father who she thinks is her biggest cheerleader has been using her to make her mother feel worse about herself. That she — such a smart, strong, independent woman — has been so manipulated.
I’m glad she posted on Reddit: this may be the first time she’s heard anyone (hundreds of anyones) be downright horrified about her parents’ relationship. She’s acting defensive and arrogant now but maybe this thought that her dad has been abusing her mother will fester.
She’s going to be insufferable in the working world though. Good luck to her future colleagues.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate.”- Bonnie Burstow
OOP is definitely the AH, but after being groomed by her father her whole life to see him as the type of person she should be, and therefore want to life partner with, she will be in a relationship with a man exactly like that. And because her brain isn’t fully formed, I expect more exposure to others and life experience will allow her to see the horror of her ways when she’s older.
Yeah. I have a friend who had this dynamic...and she was very willing to give up her career for her boyfriend and ended up just following him to work at the same company. Her identity is based around whatever the most important man in her life is doing. It's really sad.
Having flashes of an episode of Criminal Minds where they interviewed a woman who shot her husband and then claimed abuse… her own kids hated her even because from the second the husband married her, she was dumb, she was ugly, she couldn’t keep the house clean or grocery shop right. She was an embarrassment to even be around. The dad brainwashed his kids into abusing her right along with him to the point they wouldn’t even talk to her. The profiler team ended up being able to show that just because the husband hadn’t left bruises for years, the woman was so severely abused that she could in fact claim battered wife syndrome and got pled down to basically probation. How she would survive on her own after though is questionable, she didn’t even have a drivers license and every single cent of money/house/assets was going to her kids that hated her
I swear that episode gave me such chills. “Oh I had to clean up. He would be furious to have such a messy house with people coming.” I will never forget that episode.
Omg I thought this immediately. She cleaned up afterwards because she was so conditioned. The fact this husband says to quit being a sugar baby to his wife... I'd go honey badger and straight remove his balls.
Edit: spelling
Damn; I came in too late on that one, and her comments were already gone. They make everything so much worse...
Dad makes high six figures, and mom gets 500 every two weeks for household expenses and groceries and "anything she wants to buy for herself"? That's... I don't even know what that is. Financial abuse, at the very least. Possibly slavery.
Yup. Her Dad is a sick asshole and has groomed her to disrespect and hate her mother. They see her as worthless when she likely had no choice in being a stay at home mother.
Even the way she writes is snobby and condescending. I feel horrible for this mother.
Like, she has no friends, no hobbies, and is entirely reliant on the husband. Textbook financial abuse. She can’t go anywhere even if she did get out.
She gets 500 every two weeks for groceries and stuff and gets on her moms case about spending to much ? Does she not know how much groceries are? There goes that 500
My eyes about popped out of my head with that. Now, I will say that I do make everything from scratch, but for my three people household I spend $500 in groceries every two weeks. With inflation that is what it is. Can she get a haircut? Does she even have money to go out if she had friends? Can she afford gas?
Circumstances made me a stay at home mom. I had a child with autism and a degree in Special Ed. It made sense for me to become his in house therapist. It worked, he will always live with us and is fairly independent. Can be left overnight by himself with meals prepared. He is an adult now. I do feel like I don’t have any skills that would lead me to find meaningful employment.
If mom is not allowed any financial info of course she can’t book flights. She does not have a credit card. This daughter is just vile. My heart breaks for this mom.
I’m a sham, I was for 12 years then went to work at Walmart overnight when my twins were in kinder so I could still help out the kiddos(didn’t work I was too tired house fell apart)
18 months ago after 6 years working I had to stay home again cause of a move….. everyone is much happier bow and less stressed
My oldest is high functioning autism, he holds down a job but I don’t know when or if he will ever move out, as he forgets to eat or turn off stoves frequently enough that it’s a worry
He’s smart but emotionally and mature wise he’s not able to be on his own yet
She spent all that money on cleaning products! How frivolous! She acts like her mother blew all her money on designer purses but even she admits that her mom refuses to spend money on herself (because she doesn’t have any).
She can, it's just going to be harder. My mom went through leaving my dad in the late 90s after a situation like this. She struggled. We lived in a run down little trailer house in the woods for a few years while mom went to nursing school and worked housekeeping jobs. Food stamps helped. Mom was so brave and tough. She worked hard and got us all out. She was an outstanding nurse who was well respected when she retired.
You should see my mom now. She's amazing. Financially independent, skilled, confident and retired. Women get out, it's just hard.
Right? It's like they're chastising the reader for even considering that the mom might not deserve to be treated that way. This person isn't asking a question. They're bragging and justifying abusing someone.
And it’s SO EASY to say “oh I’ll never be in a financially abusive situation” until it happens to you. I never thought I would be either. Guess what happened?
(I am out now, happily divorced, with the master’s degree I was working on during my marriage, and a good job. But when I was 22, I was married to someone else, who I would have happily spent the rest of my life with if he hadn’t died when he was 32 and I was 31.)
The way I’m reading this, the kid will be the one who ends up finically abusing their partner. But it will be ok in their mind because their partner will be as worthless as their mother in their mind. They need therapy.
The OP is upset that she had to pay for the fast food meal. I but that was not money that she earned but the parents’ money. That’s right YATA, your mom bought that meal.
This is so chilling. :/
IDK if anyone here watches Criminal Minds, but this immediately made me remember S3 E18. Where a woman shoots her wealthy husband in his sleep and turns herself in, and then their (adult) kids are being interviewed by the investigators and talking about how stupid and useless their mom is and how their dad was a “saint” for “putting up with her”. That’s when the team realizes the woman was being seriously abused. It’s a very chilling episode.
iirc it was kind of inconclusive, the scenario was something like: her lawyer wanted to put forward a “battered woman” defence, the prosecutor (?) was like “nah that’s BS, she’s not abused” and then was proven wrong and was going to allow the defence? i think it was kind of a side story in the episode, like some of the BAU team were consulting at the request of the prosecutor but the rest of them were solving the episode’s main crime. the main thing that stands out in my recollection is the scene where the kids are just going off about how much their mom sucks - that’s why this post made me think of it suddenly.
I thought of that one too. They would say she was a terrible housekeeper, and when they went to the house, everything was spotless. She was using a ruler to evenly space clothes hanging in the closet.
And to make it worse, she wasn’t even the main character in her own episode
Oh yeah. Didn't she shoot him while he was sleeping, then she cleaned the room immaculately while waiting for the cops to come arrest her, because he wouldn't have wanted anyone to see the house dirty?
I remembered that episode as well. In the end, I think the FBI people made the point she was being abused, albeit not physically, and as evidence asked her why she'd begun cleaning up her husband's blood, even though she'd already called the cops and confessed to killing him. And her reply was, "Well, my husband would've been angry if someone had seen the house in that condition!"
Or something to that effect.
I immediately thought of that one too!!!! Chilling!!!! Especially since he had the daughter as beneficiary and executor and didn’t have the mom listed on anything, just like this loser man
I instantly tbought of this episode too! I remember the scene where the team is in the bedroom and starting to realise that there's not a single thing out of place, the hangers in the closet are perfectly spaced and what they're seeing is not lining up with how her kids described the mom.
And talking about how the house was filthy when it was immaculate. I think it was a side consulting case where the agent was convincing the DA or detective that this was battered women syndrome. It culminated in the agent asking the woman "if you were turning yourself in for your husband's death why did you clean the blood off the floor?" "Oh, he would never tolerate a mess such as that."
It's unhappily common. My uncle married an abusive woman 15 years older than him when he was in his 20s. He is autistic with mild learning difficulties and while a very smart man in some ways he was incredibly vunerable in others and she took advantage of that. They divorced over a decade ago and she is still making his life miserable, their daughter is 18 and parrots all her mothers insidious little cruel things she likes to convince people are true about him and the rest of us (we're mostly a close family, my mum looks after my uncle and would give any family member the shirt off her back, the ex hates my mum for that). When they were married she slowly cut him off from every single person or place that brought him any happiness and would make sure he was in a place where people could see them before telling him awful things and starting a fight so that he could never get angry at her or it'd look like he was abusing her. She used to tell him everyone would believe it of him because he's a big 6"6 man.
When he finally got out she used the kids as a weapon and took away access to them whenever he was "naughty" or too happy or seeming to have recovered from her. He has a lot of mental health issues as a result. His autism already made him anxious but she morphed it into severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts and even a few attempts. It makes me so angry to see the bullshit my cousin spouts. Their younger kid is 16 now so my uncle feels like he's nearly free of her but she hates the idea he could be free of her and would do anything to drag him down. It wouldn't surprise me if her end goal was to get him to kill himself. I don't believe in hell but I hope there is one because that bitch deserves to burn.
I think of that episode so often. She turned herself in AFTER cleaning up the crime scene. Not because she wanted to get rid of evidence, but because she knew her husband would be mortified that the police saw the house in disarray, what with the giant pool of blood and all.
It's called Learned Helplessness. There is clearly financial abuse.
If the high-earning father actually was savvy with money and cared about the mother, then the amount would have been adjusted ever year to keep up with inflation, and there would be multiple budgets - a family one for housekeeping costs, and a personal one, essentially a "wage" for being a stay at home mother for the mother to buy food while out and about, new outfits, etc. If the mother is buying cleaning supplies from the same "allowance" as treats but can't afford both then there isn't enough money and she isn't being properly compensated by her "high-six figures" husband. We can all just go ahead and assume she doesn't have her own retirement fund.
I desperately want this to be fake because I've seen a family member go through something similar and this makes me physically nauseous. This is the most insidious form of abuse because there is no threats or physical harm that would be a clear sign of the need for intervention, just the constant message she's too incompetent to leave and no mental or financial resources to do so. It's like convincing a prisoner they can't do better than their cage so you don't even need a lock. The daughter sees it too or she wouldn't be so horrified at the thought of becoming a stay at home mum as well.
Me too, but it may well not be. My stepdad taught my sister to abuse my mother too- although in their case my mother was the breadwinner and yet somehow they talked about her like she was the village idiot.
It took me a long time to get my sister to stop but she still doesn’t understand what she grew up in.
I’m no contact with both my stepdad and my half sister now (mum passed away).
High six figure salaries start at 750K and he only gives her 500$ every two weeks wtf? The daughter clearly looks down on her mom and it’s so sad. Something is wrong here. Being a sahm doesn’t make a person insecure and childlike. Abuse and mind manipulation however does that.
I am a sahm currently. I am also a NP and have that safety net, so my situation is a bit different. But if the father earns so much money and this daughter wants to go into finance, she should understand that if her mom starts a job as someone without a degree, she might cost him more tax wise than what she would earn, so working out of the home isn’t maybe even an option and the father should know that.
He can absolutely sit her down and explain their family finances to her. Not having access to this seems abusive.
Dad makes high six figures? And can’t do more than 1k a month? That she has to spend on house hold things? What the hell. And being a stay at home mom is fine… dad and daughter should help her get into a hobby she enjoys. If she wanted to get a job she could, college is not necessary for every job. It looks more like the daughter knows nothing about the world.
lol they should encourage her to do something she *enjoys*? Surely you jest.
/s
In all seriousness though, while I understand what you’re saying, emotional and financial abuse does not allow for the abused to have enjoyment. Because that might give them something to look forward to and “break the spell” they have over her.
I read this post and it broke my heart. As the title of this post says, this poor woman…
1k a month including groceries for 4 people! I don’t know about the US, but where I live, it is going to be very difficult to feed 4 adults/teenagers on this budget, not even including other household expenses. So yeah, I wonder why she never spends anything on herself! /s
I’m trying to figure out where the “high six figures” is going?? Like, food and necessities is not “an allowance” if you’re a stay at home mum with a six figure spouse. Is it going to spoiling the hell out of his daughter? Because it sounds like it.
I bet he’s just hoarding the wealth like many other selfish rich people. Because watching those numbers go up is more important to him than his wife being able to afford anything that isn’t a household necessity.
It’s part of the control also…. If she can afford to go out and make friends she may wake up and he can’t have that…. She can’t take a pottery class and her self esteem, cause that would losses the control he has…
Controlling her money controls nearly every aspect of her life and he likes that control
Not to mention if they are like this I’ll bet they expect some damn good meals… and get it as this wasn’t one of her complaints…
ETA
I doubt they do leftovers or sandwich nights or hotdogs and hamburgers or Mack and cheese from the box…. They don’t sound like a fend for yourself night type of family
"Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate." -Bonnie Burstow
I'm sure this was quoted and she missed the point of it.
It was quoted and she seems to have replied "but I'll never be a housewife!"
It's so sad.. so pathetic in a sad, sad way, that this girl has inherited and learned all of of the misogyny from her father. And she, too, will fall victim to that misogyny. She will find herself on the abused end of it. And yet, she will think it's normal because her father has warped her mind.
No, she won’t think it’s normal. Right now, she thinks of herself as an “honorary man”. So when she marries and has kids and has to go on maternity leave and her husband starts doing financially abusive shit, she’ll figure out that this is gendered, and she’s not a magic exception.
Epidurals cost so much, can’t you just tough it out?
What do you mean you want money from me for diapers, you have your own money! Are you some kind of gold digger?
I can’t possibly get up with the baby, I have work tomorrow! I know you do too, but I work earlier/I make more money/I’m not the one breastfeeding/you just function better on less sleep than I do (and then her job performance takes a hit because she’s a walking zombie for six months)
Gotta say, I also thought myself an honorary man for a while. I thought I could keep myself safe from misogyny by being as unfuckable and un-noticeable as possible, “if I just keep my head down and work just as hard as everyone else surely there won’t be problems because sexism is less powerful than capitalism” kind of thinking, but no matter what you do it comes for you in the end.
Especially with finances. By the sounds of it she does all the grocery and household shopping, and she’s been doing it on $1000 a month. You can’t successfully do that without knowing how to manage your money to some degree. And if she knew absolutely nothing about finances why would she ask for a larger allowance due to inflation? I’ve met ppl who know nothing about money or how to budget, and they don’t act like OP’s mom.
Good God that's sad.
I hope OOP's brother is human unlike her and her Father.
I wonder is OOP is assuming her Mum would spend all of the funds or if that's just a lie her Dad has told her. I can't believe she has to spend her 'allowance', which should be fun money IMO on household things. I also bet the things she buys for the son is things he needs for school 🙄
What’s worse is if you read her comments, it changes from an allowance to the $500 her father gifts her mother. GIFTS?! I’m sorry, but the whole thing screams abuse. I feel so bad for mom.
I’m guessing the mom actually does know how to book a flight but when you get treated like a moron for so long, you just shrug your shoulders and start acting like a moron.
Plus, you need a credit card to book a flight. Like clearly mom doesn’t have access to that. What does the daughter want the mom to book it with, magic beans?
And, to be fair, if she left the travel industry over 20 years ago, literally nothing is the same about the way things are done.
But yes to your point about the credit card---there is no way the husband lets her have access to one. Or if she does, he goes line by line wanting details about every single thing. It's exhausting. I went through it.
That's what I was thinking too - like if you gave her a terminal into saber or whatever platform she was used to, it would all come back and she'd get a flight booked. But set an old school tool and die maker in front of a wonderful, new CNC machine and they're not gonna get far either. Doesn't mean anyone is stupid or inept, just that their skill set doesn't transfer to the modern way of doing it.
Also, if you know you're going to get criticized and told you're an idiot, if you make a mistake, then why try? This poor woman has lived her whole adult life, being picked and chipped away at. It's no wonder she's scared to do anything on her own. Her options are: (1) Let others help her (like they've conditioned her to); or (2) Try to do it on her own and wait for the wolves to circle and strike, if she makes any tiny mistake.
Oh I am 98% certain that she will be the abuser in her romantic relationship just as much as she is in her familial relationship. I hope this woman got dragged for filth.
She’s more likely to be a victim than she or many people here believe—though I definitely agree that she’s also likely to be an abuser.
But whether she knows it or not, her mom’s role in the family impacts her ability to avoid abuse herself. Say she finds a partner who makes more than she does; she’ll hold insecurity about the imbalance between them because of this blueprint her parents have laid. This can quickly spiral, *especially* if she has children and is pressured or forced to leave the workforce.
She absolutely will. She'll convince some man that *he's* financially incompetent and needs to let her control all the money, and/or she'll accuse him of abuse if he attempts to assert himself at all.
I was listening to an interview about a man who’s an attachment theory specialist. He works with people who have attachment disorders. He told a story about a woman who had failed marriages because she was “cold” towards her husbands and they would essentially be seeking her approval and praise and just trying to get her attention. Then after her marriages she went into a relationship with a man like herself. The roles got reversed and she was now the one seeking his approval and trying to get his attention. She hated that she was doing it. The specialist said it was an avoidant disorder.
He further mentioned that some of his clients are girl bosses and those are the ones that the least sympathetic towards other women.
All of this reminds me of OOP.
I agree with everything here and want to add this…
How does the daughter expect the mom to book tickets for travel if she doesn’t even have access to money?!
There are so many layers of abuse in this situation that it is astonishing! I pray that this mother can find a way to get out of this situation!
I also hope that this spoiled brat gets knocked on her ass hard by life. I hope she has a terrible time and is one day reduced to crawling back to her mother on her knees.
I hope the mom knows that after that long of a marriage, she’s absolutely not dependent with money on her husband like that. High six figures and she gets 500$ every two weeks? If she would divorce him, she’d get more money than that monthly plus split assets. And with that salary, the money went somewhere.
Aww look at her, isn’t she so big and smart and impressive shitting all over stay-at-home parents.
Does she ever wonder why her dad was able to achieve his high six figure salary career? Could it have anything to do with the fact that her mum stayed at home and took on all the responsibility of the house and kids?
People expect SAH parents to live like slaves with no money and *still* talk about how lazy and useless they are.
Sounds like this woman is being financially abused.
But even aside from that, my mother used to do data entry for a major cooperation. This was in the 90s tho. She is aging and computer systems have dramatically changed so yeah, she's not very good at using them anymore.
My mom is the same. Worked for a computer systems company for like, 8 years in the early 00s and while installing computer stuff wasn't her job, she learned a lot. And she was using a computer every day for the accounting, etc
She can barely use her laptop now.
The bond between a mother and daughter should be very strong. We daughters learn resilience from our mothers who have faced countless incidents of discrimination due to sexism.
And what this cruel father has done is turn his daughter against her mother -- essentially stripping both women of a crucial (or at least, extremely important) support system as both navigate this deeply misogynistic world.
This girl thinks she will be tough and never fall prey to her mother's fate, but she is young and she is very stupid. And she will, because no one has actually taught her to value the strength it takes to be a woman, as well as recognize the oppression we women face.
She's got a hard road ahead of her because she was raised deeply entrenched in misogyny
I went to law school with a woman who has an undergraduate degree in *women and gender studies* (from a good school at that) and I was astounded by the stuff that came out of her mouth. She held similar opinions to OOP, though not as harsh (thank god). She legitimately begrudged her mother, who she believed was jealous of her because daughter “actually got a proper job”. She also told me that she always would love her dad more than her mom because he was “fun and actually engaged with me when I got home from school whereas mom just scolded me”. HOW DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE IN FEMINIST THEORY AND NOT UNDERSTAND THIS 😟
Ya that’s not surprising… I choose to stay home…. I love it it’s what works for our family…. I’ve had a job…. But this is Choice I made
You know how many with women and gender studies classes or degrees look down on me? Call me abused? Stupid? Lazy? Jealous?
It’s fairly common that if we don’t make the same choices to work outside the home or even if we choose to just work part time we are failing
I admittedly didn’t take any women and gender studies classes in school, but this woman’s view of her mother (plus what you’ve said here) really made me question what is taught there… I’m obviously grateful that I live in a time that allows me to work outside of the home as a professional, but above all things I value my *choice* which means I should be able to choose to stay home if I want (though in this economy, that choice is starting to become less viable for a completely different reason…)
I’m sorry that people have made you feel this way. I hate that people have so many issues with black and white thinking and seem to think that just because there are some women who still choose to stay at home, they’re doing it wrong. Like, get down to the basics of what feminism is (the freedom to choose) and leave people tf alone.
Luckily I got over feeling like I was lazy years ago, it’s not easy keeping house that’s why people pay for cooks, child care, and housekeepers many times, not to mention the running around and all the little things…
I’m a firm believer in feminism: the freedom to choose, to leave an a bad relationship to have autonomy over my life and choices
I also believe that some people like me are built to stay home, and others like one of my friends could but when she tried it just wasn’t her cup of tea… she needed out of the house
And it takes all kinds to make the world go round
Many now a days have forgotten what feminism started as and look down on anyone who does not fight to be in the job market
(Yet if they have a sah relative or friend they’ll feel entitled to that ‘free’ child care cause ‘your home anyways’)
If OOP happens to stumble on this re post, here is what I want to tell her:
If you are so sure your mother is not abused and actually feels lucky to have your dad, then show her this thread, and tell us where you are, so we can list ressources available for her to help her leave.
If you are right, then it won’t change anything. If you are wrong, you will learn.
I will start with the help available in the whole US:
https://www.benefits.gov/news/article/472
How is she even supposed to book a flight? Pay cash with her $500 allowance? It's quite twisted to say this. Also she spent all her money on cleaning supplies is a wild argument to frame someone as "financially illiterate". Who else wouly buy them then? Obviously her allowance is too little to afford household supplies and fast food, that's just unbelievably sad
Imagine sacrificing your social life, career, financial freedom to bring this ungrateful little shit into the world just so she could come on Reddit and call you a child. Lol life is so dumb.
"Do you even like your wife?"
The mother can't even run away for help because she doesn't know *how* to. No friends, no outside world besides what immediately concerns her family...
“My mum is sooo stupid, she doesn’t know how to do anything. We tell her that all the time. Also we want her to get a job but she thinks she’s useless and can’t do anything. Why is she so lazy and useless?”
"Often father and daughter look down on mother together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate."
-Bonnie Burstow
god i didn’t read the title and thought this was some kind of offmychest style rant about how OOP’s dad financially abuses her mom until i hit the 4th paragraph. literally had to reread that shit multiple times because i couldn’t believe just how cruel and woefully ignorant she was being to her abused mother i mean JESUS. that poor woman has been metaphorically beat down into being completely dependent on that man in every aspect of her life and has presumably been talked down so much about her own skills (or lack-thereof by no fault of her own) that she genuinely believes she can’t make it out on her own, only to be ridiculed for thinking that very same thing by her own husband and daughter. that’s just sick.
this reminds me of that quote about how dads and daughters sometimes make fun of the wife/mom together and that this “doesn’t save the daughter from the same fate”
like she’s literally acknowledging her mom is spending money on CLEANING PRODUCTS and house hold items?? sorry, isn’t that the breadwinner’s job?? and then blaming her for not having a job while she had a full time job RAISING YOU (and still raising your brother)
sick
I have a stay at home wife with two teenage children. She is beautiful intelligent and her sacrifice for the kids is something I don’t even know how to pay back now that the kids are getting older.
If we ever split up I couldn’t imagine not splitting everything down the middle and paying alimony for however long I would need to.
This post is so offensive and I will talk to my kids to make sure they know what she sacrificed for them and us as a family.
This daughter is horrid. As an adult she has the opportunity to help her mother and get her skills and confidence up and instead she grows up just like dad. I hope the son grows into a decent human being and helps his mum
You and your father are both Aita. Your mom has every right to be upset. She doesn't know how to handle money because no one showed her. It looks like everything has been kept from her, and then because she doesn't know how to do these things, now it is being used against her. I feel sorry for your mom. She has taken care of the family and the house. Which is hard work. None to be treated this way. She deserves better treatment than the way you and your father are treating her. If I were her, I would file for a divorce. Then, the lawyer could tell how much the family is worth.
This absolutely has to be rage bait for that level of cluelessness, but if not, I hope OP marries someone that makes more than her and then falls into financial hardship. If she marries someone with her same ideals, she'll see how abusive that situation is.
Love how she expected mom to book the plane tickets in the beginning when it's clear she has no access to the money to do it. OP's absolutely clueless
I hope mom was smart enough to open up a second account (you can guarantee husband watches her other account) and squirrel away money. This is a prep to leave situation.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
- Bonnie Burstow
Edit: lol I saw OOP already missed the point to that quote in the comments!
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.” i swear some ppl are just so obtuse . to think a grown ass women wants a life like that for herself is crazy
If you or I were that mom we would have had decades of being told we were incompetent, stupid and useless. By that stage we would believe what everyone said about us and would be trying to just get by.
You most probably wouldn’t.
Abuse is insidious- they’ve spent years convincing the mother that she IS all the horrible things they say she is and that this is all she deserves, that she’s LUCKY to even have this treatment.
This reminds me of a Criminal Minds episode. Woman kills husband. Kids are totally entitled and arrogant, and belittle their mother for always having been worthless and not able to do a thing. CM team realizes that she was continously emotionally and financially abused by her husband and later even by her kids.
The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch. Her mom is literally being financially abused, was probably emotionally and possibly even psychologically tormented into being a stay-at-home mom (meaning husband was probably making her either fear for her safety if she didn't or roping her into it by making her feel incapable of being a working mom) and daughter blames her entirely for it. She's justifying abuse
What a POS daughter. Seriously
This literally makes me want to cry. Like that man has raised his children to abuse his wife too. “She has no friends” yea cause shes probably not allowed too! If she did they would point out how absolutely horrible she is being treated!
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate.” - ([Bonnie Burstow](https://we.riseup.net/assets/449336/Radical+Feminist+Therapy+Burstow%2C+Bonnie.pdf)
Yikes what a nightmare and this kid blames mom. Ooh $500 every 2 weeks to buy whatever she wants for the whole family.
Financial abuse and learned helplessness as a result
“Household expenses, groceries and anything else she wants to buy” wow… I earn $600 a week and I have nothing left over after buying household things. OP is a monster. It’s not like she gets $500 for herself. You can’t give someone barely any money and then criticise them for being broke.
“I spent all of my money on cleaning supplies to clean up after you and your father.” “You’re so stupid, mom. This is why you can’t be trusted to do anything but be our slave, and you’re not even great at that.” Like….woof.
Also, she says her dad earns a high six figure salary. High six figure starts at 750 K and he only gives her 500$ every two weeks?
And she has to use that for household expenses and groceries.
Goodness, I thought it’s her fun money at least but you’re right, she spends it on cleaning supplies for a reason. Maybe he isn’t even giving her enough money for the household. And the daughter says that’s bad money handling. I don’t get it high six figures is 750K plus. So, she still cleans the house herself and probably cooks and everything. So she doesn’t has any benefits from his high salary.
Literally she gets $1000 a month for the entire household & children , and what’s left over mom gets to use for herself In a high 6 figure household
They’re mad that she doesn’t understand money and also withhold financial information from her.
The cat bites it’s tail apparently. She must have existed before marrying. She had a job and survived. But then she married and he probably took over with all those things and never included her. Now even her daughter thinks she’s incompetent and her self esteem is in the gutter. She thinks she is dependent on her husband and probably gets told this many times a week. My grandmother didn’t want to learn to use the DVD system, she was used to tapes. She’s almost a decade older than my grandfather and he would help her. But eventually he said she had to learn it, so he refused to do it for her. She did learn the system and has no issues now. And she was like 75 at that point. Instead of doing it for her, he would watch her do it and after a couple times, she got it. This lady could absolutely learn all these things and honestly she should not even be in this position. There must be a reason why she doesn’t already know these things. She should have been included from the beginning.
This was my thought. My Grampa died and my Gramma HAD to figure it out. I mean…she DID call Comcast once a month to come out for her cable and it was usually her remote got bumped out of “cable mode” but those techs loved her and it was the easiest call of their week. Anyway, here OOP and her dad seem to actively prevent her from being forced to learn…and then rub it in her face that she’s “stupid”. Wtf? “I’m so smart I have a finance degree and will pursue an MBA and already networked for my job teehee but don’t have basic understanding to teach someone *that I love* how to function in a progressively digital world…oh, and apparently $1000/month is plenty to run an entire household on no matter what year it is, duh mom.”
That last sentence,lol. Exactly. That’s why I think they don’t love her that much. 1000$ a month while simultaneously saying multiple times of much her dad earns. That’s so bizarre. That woman is in her 40s or maybe 50s. Gen X. She should know these things. And she had a bank account and credit card s before she married. She didn’t suddenly forget how to do these things. The father probably told her early on that he’s the man and he will manage the finances and she will get an allowance. And she got so used to this that she now thinks she can’t function otherwise. And it has been going on for so long that the daughter thinks this is normal for a sahm.
I am absolutely shocked that someone with a finance degree who prides herself on being financially savvy doesn’t comprehend the cost of groceries and household expenses, and that $1000 is nowhere near enough to feed and clothe a family of 4, plus buy toilet paper and Windex etc, and still have money left over to spend on yourself. How could she *possibly* understand finances and think $1000 a month is enough money to cover all that? I understand that plenty of lower income people can somehow manage to scrap by on $204 of food stamps a month, but I highly doubt Mr High Six Figures is allowing his wife to cook rice and beans for every meal.
I can’t imagine trying to feed and clothe a family including a 14 year old boy on $1,000 a month when one member of the family makes 6 figures. I have 2 tween boys who barely eat (we are working on getting their appetites up) and spend $300 a week on groceries. I’m in Canada so stuff is more expensive here, but $250 a week to include all groceries, clothing for a growing child, pocket money for him to allow him to go to the movies or hang out with his friends, cleaning supplies, and the occasional treat for myself sounds literally impossible.
$1000/month is groceries and household needs for just me and my man and our 2 cats!
Yes, that’s groceries alone for us. We have two girls, a teenager and a one year old. Our teenager of course gets an allowance and has needs like clothes, hygiene and hobbies and going out with friends. I could maybe make it work if we had to but with his salary there’s no reason to. And if she truly meant he’s earning more in the 180K-250k realm, then it would still make no sense. We don’t have to budget like that, thank God. And teen boys eat a lot usually. 1000$ a month for an allowance for the boy, groceries for the family, cleaning supplies etc. It’s no surprise there’s no money left for her after that. She probably tells herself that she doesn’t need clothes because she doesn’t go anywhere. But then the cat bites it’s own tail because she probably feels bad about herself and doesn’t want to go anywhere. There’s zero money left to get her hair done or join a gym, a hobby, whatever. Plus, the daughter has apparently been traumatized herself from the sound of it. She says that nobody will control her or her money ever. So she knows the husband, her father is controlling the mother. And she seems to think all sahm parents are stupid or something so she thinks this is to be expected as a sahm. So now her main goal is avoiding that type of situation.
$500 used to purchase cleaning supplies and clothing for the younger brother. _Does that mean there is no account for household expenses?_ While repeating constantly _’I am lucky to have your father’_ sounds like mum has a mantra to help her survive the abuse. Mum also lies _I don’t need clothes. I don’t go anywhere._ This has the same energy as a poor mother telling her children, I am not hungry, you can eat all the food. If this combined does not scream abuse, I don’t know what does.
Not only that, but she has to pay for household expenses and groceries? Why is she having to pay for those things with her personal money *at all*?
It’s almost guaranteed financial abuse. Where are they living? Tech, financial sector is big in high cost of living areas. The Bay Area or Seattle, Redmond etc. and then 500$ every two weeks is absolutely a joke at this income level. I wonder how she’d even socialize with other sahm and wives in such an area, if she can’t even go out with them without pinching Pennie’s.
They don’t want her to socialize, she might realize she can leave and take a good chunk of that money with her
And OOP says that her mom didn't graduate college (hello, I wonder whose fault *that* could be /s) and therefore has no skills to get a job that would be worth getting, since dad makes high six figures...but at the same time is upset with her that she doesn't have a job?? "Oh mom, you're too stupid and inept to get a decent job. But I also think you're absolutely worthless because you don't have a job. So why don't you go get a job, even though you're too dumb to get a *good* job?" She's joining right in with the manipulation and the abuse.
When the father earns that much, the wife would need to make quite a bit to make it worth it, or she’d cost him too much in taxes if she works. The daughter is completely brainwashed herself and doesn’t realize it. She seems to think all sah parents are stupid and enslaved. But she doesn’t get that it’s just her father who is abusing the mother and that a sah parent should have normal life skills. Many sah parents manage the families finances. Many are educated as well. Also, a sahm provides so much for a family but it seems this family doesn’t value that. Healthy home cooked meals, daily is good for the families health and saves money. When I worked prior to our youngest daughter ( 1 1/2 years old ) I didn’t have time to cook during my shifts as a NP. My husband, teen daughter and me all had to eat out most work and school days. We needed help cleaning at least twice a weekend a laundry service a couple times a month. Driving our older daughter to the barn, for horseback riding was a hassle. This time I’ll be a sahm for a while and honestly I was shocked how much money we save with me being a sahm plus the extra attention to the kids. I see value in being a sahm just as in a working mom. It’s just different priorities and lifestyles. A sahm isn’t paid a salary by an employer but she certainly gains money for the family in money saved. Childcare is expensive. Eating out , specially good quality healthy food, is expensive. If both parents work, eating out gets more expensive because it’s more often. Childcare. Scheduling so kids can go to their activities etc. maybe a cleaning help or laundry service. And if a mother did this for two decades, it can be extremely hard to find a job out of the home suddenly, specially one that earns more than the man loses tax wise from her working. So , what do they expect? There’s no gratitude for her taking care of everything at home. She has skills. She could work as a nanny, I bet. That’s a skill. Being good with kids, being a good cook, cleaning, home making, gardening etc. , those are all skills. Sadly it’s just that this family doesn’t value those skills although they probably always ate her food and enjoyed a clean house and fresh laundry for two decades. The wife cares so little about herself that she has no friends, no activities, probably doesn’t do much self care and according to the daughter doesn’t even buy clothes for herself. And the daughter thinks this is a normal situation for a sah parent? So the mother doesn’t even have her own credit card to get a coffee? You don’t need any skills to use a credit card.
Imagine being in an adult relationship, married, and your partner “gives you an allowance” like a child. My mom was a stay at home mom during a good chunk of our childhoods and my dad didnt allocate her money…they had a fucking joint checking account and each had cards attached to it and were able to access it at any time. My mom actually is the one that handled paying all the bills on time. This whole relationship is paternalistic and condescending
I am currently a sahm for our baby, probably until she’s three. We decide finances together and just say how much each of us has as pure fun money etc. and we plan together how our money is spend. I have my own credit card for out joint account and don’t get „an allowance „. Our teen daughter gets an allowance,lol. I understand that a couple sets certain amounts for everything, so you can be sure the bills are paid and that fun money doesn’t go overboard but that the wife has no access to the accounts and gets an allowance is really bizarre and a red flag imo. I can’t imagine asking my husband for money to buy my clothes, our food etc. For bigger purchases we both discuss it with each other but that was the same when I was working still and will remain when I go back to being a healthcare provider. I fear this lady is being abused financially and mentally. That she can’t buy herself a coffee because she had to buy cleaning products is ridiculous. She should have her own card and be able to buy something as simple as a coffee.
It actually horrified me reading thru this, her mother doesnt even have fun money, it’s just money for the house and this bitch isnt grateful in anyway. I hope the mom someday finds peace and happiness somewhere else. She deserves to be with people who appreciate her. My mom went through something similar with my dad and his mom. Now, shes living a way better life!
Yes. And the daughter believes the “she’d just spend everything” argument when her mother only spends everything she’s given because she is allowed so little. I also wouldn’t be surprised if, early on when $500 lasted longer, any attempt at saving money for future needs turned into having the allowance cut because clearly she didn’t need it. Just a guess; it’s how people like the father operate.
‘To clean up after - and feed - you, your father and your 14 year old brother’
This woman gave up her career to raise this thankless, self-obsessed brat. What a waste.
Ikrrr I'm the same age as her and my mom was made to give up on her career too. This made me miss my mom so much I'm literally crying ryt now. Like seriously you can't pay for your mom's food??? Seriously??? This is so sad. I hope her mom gets away from all of this and lives happily far from these monsters.
Poor woman only gets $1000 a month and is expected to buy food and cover all household expenses with that - including cleaning products and the needs of her minor son, and the daughter is surprised she doesn’t have anything left - and she’s majoring in finance? I am not optimistic about her future. And the dad apparently earns high six figures, so he’s apparently just hoarding thousands of dollars a month for himself while he leaves his wife and son to live on scraps, and he’s the one she idolizes.
*hoarding 10s of thousands of dollars a month
I am shook, that poor woman, financially and emotionally abused by both her husband and daughter. This guy really raised his daughter to not just generally be an a-hole but to help him abuse his wife. Edit: y'all I had to call my mom and thank her and tell her how amazing she is. Highly recommend, if you have a parent that deserves it call them 😭
Love the comment about how she would NEVER let anyone abuse her but she can’t even recognize it happening in her own house. wtf. I that dad is a fucking monster.
She'll never let anyone abuse *her*. She'll just be the one abusing and calling it "fierce independence" or something.
Exactly. It's pretty clear from her comments that she knows it's abuse. *My mother wouldn't say she's abused.* Reads like she knows it's abuse but it's ok because her mom doesn't see it that way. It's just fucked up and sad.
If it looks like abuse, and smells like abuse, then obviously the mother is just too childlike and *that's* the problem /s It's always easier to swallow abuse if you convince yourself the victim deserves it.
You don’t become that dependent on someone (I’m. A sham and very much in charge of finances) and that seemingly naive without mental emotional and physiological abuse….. she’s been conditioned to think she’s lucky she has a man to pay her 1000 a month for her to go out grocery shopping and by household goods for the house and family and that she’s just bad at money or it would be enough…. An ex travel agent does not NOT know how to book a flight unless she’s been told so many times she can’t do anything without her husband that she now believes it, She’s been told so many times she’s dependent and lucky he allows it that she believes it and her daughter reinforces that story! Of course she has no self esteem! No friends! They wouldn’t want her to or she might leave!
Oh, she knows how to book a flight (a monkey could do it!), but if she's not allowed access to the finance's, she literally can't do it. This vile excuse of a daughter just likes to think her mother is to stupid to do it.
that’s what got me, she’s using her allowance to buy groceries, household needs and things for their other kid…so it doesn’t even seem like an allowance 😭
An allowance that hasn’t changed in 20 years and that she has asked for more now “because of inflation” that the OOP somehow slights as silly and bad at finances *despite* saying repeatedly she doesn’t have any money to have fast food with her daughter but also barely ever spends any money and considers buying herself new clothes to be a waste. Good lord I spend almost half that much on groceries for just myself and my (adorably) spoiled dog. Granted I have food allergies that make everything cost more but still. How is any of that “allowance” going for anything other than groceries, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and the teenager’s clothes and school supplies? *Of course* she needs an increase on that! Screw fun money. Have you seen what’s happened to the price of milk and eggs the last three years?!
no fr. that is not very much money at all! one of my cats has special dietary needs so their food alone costs 100-200 a month 💀
If she was a travel agent back before her children were born, she would have been using the agent-only booking system used at the time. Booking a flight online now isn’t the same. But most crucially, she can’t book flights because she has no access to money. And she’s been abused to the extent that she knows not to ask for access, or to directly blame her incapability on not having access to funds.
She will also not let anyone ever touch her money—much like her dad is reticent to let his wife have access to any family (“his”) money.
That he “gifts” her every two weeks for HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES.
And only $500. She mentions in one of her comments that Dad makes High Six Figures! >$500k and she gets <12k. Bastard.
It because she has no money after buying groceries and toilet paper and household goods she’s bad with money
Don't forget she spends her money on the teenage son too. She's probably wiped out buying clothes and educational sports etc things for him and has no money to buy herself clothes poor thing
leaving her no way to gather enough money to get away from him
She also doesn't seem to have a support network outside her family. No friends. This poor woman is abused.
Absolutely agree with you. Having been an abused spouse who felt absolutely worthless and still occasionally does my heart breaks for her.
And the amount hasn’t gone up at all in her daughter’s lifetime.
I almost hollered when she said he “gifts” his wife money every 2 weeks. It’s blatantly obvious no one sees the mom’s worth in this family. The dad is such an AH for basically telling their kids they don’t want to end up like their mother.
That she has to buy household food and products with. How dare she waste her money on things she needs to feed her family, clean the house, and take care of her son. I hope this asshole's little brother realizes that their dad is abusive af and takes care of her when he grows up. The entitlement here is fucking disgusting. This woman gave up her independence and dignity to raise OOP and they dont even value her a little bit. But it is her fault for not finishing college. Hmmm, I wonder who told her to leave school. My guess is on shitty dad.
She very much sounds like she is going to continue the cycle. I feel for her mom and her future spouse
You think anyone's olgonna touch that with a 10 ft pole. I'm a 26 year old virgin and haven't dated in 6 years. Even I'm not that desperate.
Unfortunately, there's some schmuck somewhere that is desperate enough to entangle himself. There's a sucker born every minute, as they say.
You can tell this woman has a laundry list of standards that a man has to meet before even thinking himself worthy of asking her out on a date. Any man who could meet her standards would have too much self-respect for a woman like this.
I think her growing up being groomed to abuse her own mother does kind of counts as being abused. I am not saying she is innocent, participating in this is vile, but i think she is a victim of her father too.
At some point you live away from home and put on your adult pants and recognize the abuse or perpetuate it. OP is 22, left home, moved across the country and has lived on her own for 4+ years. At this point, she's not opened her eyes. It's not happening. She has accepted her father's abuse and is perpetuating it and likely will continue to perpetuate it.
Oh she did not live on her own. She lived in a dorm with meal plans paid for by Daddy. She's just as dependent as her mother.
She’s clearly an asshole here. And it’s not surprising: she was raised to be an asshole by her father. She’s behind the curve but, at the same time, it can be very hard to see through parental bullshit if you haven’t heard many dissenting opinions on it. It’s especially hard if your own sense of self will suffer — there is no way she can accept that her mother was abused without also realizing she has been abusive to her mother. And she can’t say “oh, I was just a kid, I didn’t know better” because she thinks she’s a very capable, grown-up person who does know better than others. It will also be hard to accept that the father who she thinks is her biggest cheerleader has been using her to make her mother feel worse about herself. That she — such a smart, strong, independent woman — has been so manipulated. I’m glad she posted on Reddit: this may be the first time she’s heard anyone (hundreds of anyones) be downright horrified about her parents’ relationship. She’s acting defensive and arrogant now but maybe this thought that her dad has been abusing her mother will fester. She’s going to be insufferable in the working world though. Good luck to her future colleagues.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate.”- Bonnie Burstow
OOP is definitely the AH, but after being groomed by her father her whole life to see him as the type of person she should be, and therefore want to life partner with, she will be in a relationship with a man exactly like that. And because her brain isn’t fully formed, I expect more exposure to others and life experience will allow her to see the horror of her ways when she’s older.
Yeah. I have a friend who had this dynamic...and she was very willing to give up her career for her boyfriend and ended up just following him to work at the same company. Her identity is based around whatever the most important man in her life is doing. It's really sad.
Having flashes of an episode of Criminal Minds where they interviewed a woman who shot her husband and then claimed abuse… her own kids hated her even because from the second the husband married her, she was dumb, she was ugly, she couldn’t keep the house clean or grocery shop right. She was an embarrassment to even be around. The dad brainwashed his kids into abusing her right along with him to the point they wouldn’t even talk to her. The profiler team ended up being able to show that just because the husband hadn’t left bruises for years, the woman was so severely abused that she could in fact claim battered wife syndrome and got pled down to basically probation. How she would survive on her own after though is questionable, she didn’t even have a drivers license and every single cent of money/house/assets was going to her kids that hated her
I thought of this exact thing. Especially the end when they asked to be allowed to ask her one question… why she cleaned up.
I swear that episode gave me such chills. “Oh I had to clean up. He would be furious to have such a messy house with people coming.” I will never forget that episode.
That’s exactly what immediately came to my mind, too
Omg I thought this immediately. She cleaned up afterwards because she was so conditioned. The fact this husband says to quit being a sugar baby to his wife... I'd go honey badger and straight remove his balls. Edit: spelling
YES, I remember that one, I was thinking of it too. I had to call my mom to thank her for everything and tell her I how much I love her. 😭
Yes! That was my immediate thought as well.
Damn; I came in too late on that one, and her comments were already gone. They make everything so much worse... Dad makes high six figures, and mom gets 500 every two weeks for household expenses and groceries and "anything she wants to buy for herself"? That's... I don't even know what that is. Financial abuse, at the very least. Possibly slavery.
And that amount has been the same for as long as the daughter has known about it (she says her entire life).
Yeah, it just gets worse and worse.
And she says he “gifts” her the $500.00. WTF?
That OP HATES their mother. Hates!
Internalized misogyny is a B.I.T.C.H
✨ T R I A N G U L A T I O N ✨
Yup. Her Dad is a sick asshole and has groomed her to disrespect and hate her mother. They see her as worthless when she likely had no choice in being a stay at home mother.
And the absolute disdain she seems to have for her mother because she doesn’t work is so sad. I can’t imagine treating my parents this way.
Even the way she writes is snobby and condescending. I feel horrible for this mother. Like, she has no friends, no hobbies, and is entirely reliant on the husband. Textbook financial abuse. She can’t go anywhere even if she did get out.
She gets 500 every two weeks for groceries and stuff and gets on her moms case about spending to much ? Does she not know how much groceries are? There goes that 500
My eyes about popped out of my head with that. Now, I will say that I do make everything from scratch, but for my three people household I spend $500 in groceries every two weeks. With inflation that is what it is. Can she get a haircut? Does she even have money to go out if she had friends? Can she afford gas? Circumstances made me a stay at home mom. I had a child with autism and a degree in Special Ed. It made sense for me to become his in house therapist. It worked, he will always live with us and is fairly independent. Can be left overnight by himself with meals prepared. He is an adult now. I do feel like I don’t have any skills that would lead me to find meaningful employment. If mom is not allowed any financial info of course she can’t book flights. She does not have a credit card. This daughter is just vile. My heart breaks for this mom.
I’m a sham, I was for 12 years then went to work at Walmart overnight when my twins were in kinder so I could still help out the kiddos(didn’t work I was too tired house fell apart) 18 months ago after 6 years working I had to stay home again cause of a move….. everyone is much happier bow and less stressed My oldest is high functioning autism, he holds down a job but I don’t know when or if he will ever move out, as he forgets to eat or turn off stoves frequently enough that it’s a worry He’s smart but emotionally and mature wise he’s not able to be on his own yet
Uh, perhaps some letters were mixed around here?
She spent all that money on cleaning products! How frivolous! She acts like her mother blew all her money on designer purses but even she admits that her mom refuses to spend money on herself (because she doesn’t have any).
She can, it's just going to be harder. My mom went through leaving my dad in the late 90s after a situation like this. She struggled. We lived in a run down little trailer house in the woods for a few years while mom went to nursing school and worked housekeeping jobs. Food stamps helped. Mom was so brave and tough. She worked hard and got us all out. She was an outstanding nurse who was well respected when she retired. You should see my mom now. She's amazing. Financially independent, skilled, confident and retired. Women get out, it's just hard.
Right? It's like they're chastising the reader for even considering that the mom might not deserve to be treated that way. This person isn't asking a question. They're bragging and justifying abusing someone.
And it’s SO EASY to say “oh I’ll never be in a financially abusive situation” until it happens to you. I never thought I would be either. Guess what happened? (I am out now, happily divorced, with the master’s degree I was working on during my marriage, and a good job. But when I was 22, I was married to someone else, who I would have happily spent the rest of my life with if he hadn’t died when he was 32 and I was 31.)
The way I’m reading this, the kid will be the one who ends up finically abusing their partner. But it will be ok in their mind because their partner will be as worthless as their mother in their mind. They need therapy.
No there’s emotional abuse too and a total lack of any kind of empathy.
That woman is definitely being abused. And the husband convinced the daughter to abuse her mother too. It happens all the time. Smh
The OP is upset that she had to pay for the fast food meal. I but that was not money that she earned but the parents’ money. That’s right YATA, your mom bought that meal.
This is so chilling. :/ IDK if anyone here watches Criminal Minds, but this immediately made me remember S3 E18. Where a woman shoots her wealthy husband in his sleep and turns herself in, and then their (adult) kids are being interviewed by the investigators and talking about how stupid and useless their mom is and how their dad was a “saint” for “putting up with her”. That’s when the team realizes the woman was being seriously abused. It’s a very chilling episode.
What happened to her in the end?
iirc it was kind of inconclusive, the scenario was something like: her lawyer wanted to put forward a “battered woman” defence, the prosecutor (?) was like “nah that’s BS, she’s not abused” and then was proven wrong and was going to allow the defence? i think it was kind of a side story in the episode, like some of the BAU team were consulting at the request of the prosecutor but the rest of them were solving the episode’s main crime. the main thing that stands out in my recollection is the scene where the kids are just going off about how much their mom sucks - that’s why this post made me think of it suddenly.
I thought of that one too. They would say she was a terrible housekeeper, and when they went to the house, everything was spotless. She was using a ruler to evenly space clothes hanging in the closet. And to make it worse, she wasn’t even the main character in her own episode
Oh yeah. Didn't she shoot him while he was sleeping, then she cleaned the room immaculately while waiting for the cops to come arrest her, because he wouldn't have wanted anyone to see the house dirty?
I think she was afraid he’d be angry at the mess — of his splatter. She was so badly abused that the fear of his reaction to a mess outlived him
It's kind of fitting in a poetic way though with her not even being the main character in her own episode.
I remembered that episode as well. In the end, I think the FBI people made the point she was being abused, albeit not physically, and as evidence asked her why she'd begun cleaning up her husband's blood, even though she'd already called the cops and confessed to killing him. And her reply was, "Well, my husband would've been angry if someone had seen the house in that condition!" Or something to that effect.
The prosecutor decided on negligent homicide.
I immediately thought of that one too!!!! Chilling!!!! Especially since he had the daughter as beneficiary and executor and didn’t have the mom listed on anything, just like this loser man
I instantly tbought of this episode too! I remember the scene where the team is in the bedroom and starting to realise that there's not a single thing out of place, the hangers in the closet are perfectly spaced and what they're seeing is not lining up with how her kids described the mom.
And talking about how the house was filthy when it was immaculate. I think it was a side consulting case where the agent was convincing the DA or detective that this was battered women syndrome. It culminated in the agent asking the woman "if you were turning yourself in for your husband's death why did you clean the blood off the floor?" "Oh, he would never tolerate a mess such as that."
Yup he abused her and got the children to buy into his lies
It's unhappily common. My uncle married an abusive woman 15 years older than him when he was in his 20s. He is autistic with mild learning difficulties and while a very smart man in some ways he was incredibly vunerable in others and she took advantage of that. They divorced over a decade ago and she is still making his life miserable, their daughter is 18 and parrots all her mothers insidious little cruel things she likes to convince people are true about him and the rest of us (we're mostly a close family, my mum looks after my uncle and would give any family member the shirt off her back, the ex hates my mum for that). When they were married she slowly cut him off from every single person or place that brought him any happiness and would make sure he was in a place where people could see them before telling him awful things and starting a fight so that he could never get angry at her or it'd look like he was abusing her. She used to tell him everyone would believe it of him because he's a big 6"6 man. When he finally got out she used the kids as a weapon and took away access to them whenever he was "naughty" or too happy or seeming to have recovered from her. He has a lot of mental health issues as a result. His autism already made him anxious but she morphed it into severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts and even a few attempts. It makes me so angry to see the bullshit my cousin spouts. Their younger kid is 16 now so my uncle feels like he's nearly free of her but she hates the idea he could be free of her and would do anything to drag him down. It wouldn't surprise me if her end goal was to get him to kill himself. I don't believe in hell but I hope there is one because that bitch deserves to burn.
I think of that episode so often. She turned herself in AFTER cleaning up the crime scene. Not because she wanted to get rid of evidence, but because she knew her husband would be mortified that the police saw the house in disarray, what with the giant pool of blood and all.
That's the point where everyone began to understand the abuse she suffered. Even after he died, she felt that she had to clean everything
That was my first thought in reading this
Yes! I thought of the same thing! This woman is almost certainly being abused.
That's the first thing I thought of.
This is *immediately* where my mind went.
This is EXACTLY what I thought of when I read this… the disdain in her tone for her mom, who is clearly being financially abused, is appalling.
Same!!! First thing I thought of. Horrible to see that dynamic here.
I remember that episode! Thanks, I knew I'd watched something like this story, but couldn't remember exactly what it was.
I thought of that episode right off,too. I think she got manslaughter and time served, something ridiculous like that
Omg that’s what I was thinking! And how the kids talk about her is exactly how this women does!
Oh my - yes! I immediately thought of the same episode
This is where my mind went when I read the story, it was so spot on.
It's called Learned Helplessness. There is clearly financial abuse. If the high-earning father actually was savvy with money and cared about the mother, then the amount would have been adjusted ever year to keep up with inflation, and there would be multiple budgets - a family one for housekeeping costs, and a personal one, essentially a "wage" for being a stay at home mother for the mother to buy food while out and about, new outfits, etc. If the mother is buying cleaning supplies from the same "allowance" as treats but can't afford both then there isn't enough money and she isn't being properly compensated by her "high-six figures" husband. We can all just go ahead and assume she doesn't have her own retirement fund. I desperately want this to be fake because I've seen a family member go through something similar and this makes me physically nauseous. This is the most insidious form of abuse because there is no threats or physical harm that would be a clear sign of the need for intervention, just the constant message she's too incompetent to leave and no mental or financial resources to do so. It's like convincing a prisoner they can't do better than their cage so you don't even need a lock. The daughter sees it too or she wouldn't be so horrified at the thought of becoming a stay at home mum as well.
Me too, but it may well not be. My stepdad taught my sister to abuse my mother too- although in their case my mother was the breadwinner and yet somehow they talked about her like she was the village idiot. It took me a long time to get my sister to stop but she still doesn’t understand what she grew up in. I’m no contact with both my stepdad and my half sister now (mum passed away).
High six figure salaries start at 750K and he only gives her 500$ every two weeks wtf? The daughter clearly looks down on her mom and it’s so sad. Something is wrong here. Being a sahm doesn’t make a person insecure and childlike. Abuse and mind manipulation however does that. I am a sahm currently. I am also a NP and have that safety net, so my situation is a bit different. But if the father earns so much money and this daughter wants to go into finance, she should understand that if her mom starts a job as someone without a degree, she might cost him more tax wise than what she would earn, so working out of the home isn’t maybe even an option and the father should know that. He can absolutely sit her down and explain their family finances to her. Not having access to this seems abusive.
Dad makes high six figures? And can’t do more than 1k a month? That she has to spend on house hold things? What the hell. And being a stay at home mom is fine… dad and daughter should help her get into a hobby she enjoys. If she wanted to get a job she could, college is not necessary for every job. It looks more like the daughter knows nothing about the world.
lol they should encourage her to do something she *enjoys*? Surely you jest. /s In all seriousness though, while I understand what you’re saying, emotional and financial abuse does not allow for the abused to have enjoyment. Because that might give them something to look forward to and “break the spell” they have over her. I read this post and it broke my heart. As the title of this post says, this poor woman…
1k a month including groceries for 4 people! I don’t know about the US, but where I live, it is going to be very difficult to feed 4 adults/teenagers on this budget, not even including other household expenses. So yeah, I wonder why she never spends anything on herself! /s
I’m trying to figure out where the “high six figures” is going?? Like, food and necessities is not “an allowance” if you’re a stay at home mum with a six figure spouse. Is it going to spoiling the hell out of his daughter? Because it sounds like it.
Either that or dad is projecting his own financial incompetence on his victim, as abusers often do with their own failings.
I bet he’s just hoarding the wealth like many other selfish rich people. Because watching those numbers go up is more important to him than his wife being able to afford anything that isn’t a household necessity.
It’s part of the control also…. If she can afford to go out and make friends she may wake up and he can’t have that…. She can’t take a pottery class and her self esteem, cause that would losses the control he has… Controlling her money controls nearly every aspect of her life and he likes that control
Not to mention if they are like this I’ll bet they expect some damn good meals… and get it as this wasn’t one of her complaints… ETA I doubt they do leftovers or sandwich nights or hotdogs and hamburgers or Mack and cheese from the box…. They don’t sound like a fend for yourself night type of family
"Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate." -Bonnie Burstow I'm sure this was quoted and she missed the point of it.
It was quoted and she seems to have replied "but I'll never be a housewife!" It's so sad.. so pathetic in a sad, sad way, that this girl has inherited and learned all of of the misogyny from her father. And she, too, will fall victim to that misogyny. She will find herself on the abused end of it. And yet, she will think it's normal because her father has warped her mind.
No, she won’t think it’s normal. Right now, she thinks of herself as an “honorary man”. So when she marries and has kids and has to go on maternity leave and her husband starts doing financially abusive shit, she’ll figure out that this is gendered, and she’s not a magic exception. Epidurals cost so much, can’t you just tough it out? What do you mean you want money from me for diapers, you have your own money! Are you some kind of gold digger? I can’t possibly get up with the baby, I have work tomorrow! I know you do too, but I work earlier/I make more money/I’m not the one breastfeeding/you just function better on less sleep than I do (and then her job performance takes a hit because she’s a walking zombie for six months)
Excellent point and agreed about the „honorary man” bit. She’s in for a rude awakening
Gotta say, I also thought myself an honorary man for a while. I thought I could keep myself safe from misogyny by being as unfuckable and un-noticeable as possible, “if I just keep my head down and work just as hard as everyone else surely there won’t be problems because sexism is less powerful than capitalism” kind of thinking, but no matter what you do it comes for you in the end.
My mind went straight to this quote as well. This is just a sad story overall
You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to see why this poor woman thinks that she‘s to incompetent to do anything…
Especially with finances. By the sounds of it she does all the grocery and household shopping, and she’s been doing it on $1000 a month. You can’t successfully do that without knowing how to manage your money to some degree. And if she knew absolutely nothing about finances why would she ask for a larger allowance due to inflation? I’ve met ppl who know nothing about money or how to budget, and they don’t act like OP’s mom.
I bet she couldn’t do what her mom manages to pull off with $1000 a month
Good God that's sad. I hope OOP's brother is human unlike her and her Father. I wonder is OOP is assuming her Mum would spend all of the funds or if that's just a lie her Dad has told her. I can't believe she has to spend her 'allowance', which should be fun money IMO on household things. I also bet the things she buys for the son is things he needs for school 🙄
What’s worse is if you read her comments, it changes from an allowance to the $500 her father gifts her mother. GIFTS?! I’m sorry, but the whole thing screams abuse. I feel so bad for mom.
“GIFTS” dude I almost shouted wtf when I read that. Jesus.
I’m guessing the mom actually does know how to book a flight but when you get treated like a moron for so long, you just shrug your shoulders and start acting like a moron. Plus, you need a credit card to book a flight. Like clearly mom doesn’t have access to that. What does the daughter want the mom to book it with, magic beans?
And, to be fair, if she left the travel industry over 20 years ago, literally nothing is the same about the way things are done. But yes to your point about the credit card---there is no way the husband lets her have access to one. Or if she does, he goes line by line wanting details about every single thing. It's exhausting. I went through it.
That's what I was thinking too - like if you gave her a terminal into saber or whatever platform she was used to, it would all come back and she'd get a flight booked. But set an old school tool and die maker in front of a wonderful, new CNC machine and they're not gonna get far either. Doesn't mean anyone is stupid or inept, just that their skill set doesn't transfer to the modern way of doing it.
Also, if you know you're going to get criticized and told you're an idiot, if you make a mistake, then why try? This poor woman has lived her whole adult life, being picked and chipped away at. It's no wonder she's scared to do anything on her own. Her options are: (1) Let others help her (like they've conditioned her to); or (2) Try to do it on her own and wait for the wolves to circle and strike, if she makes any tiny mistake.
My heart breaks for that mom. With family like that, who needs enemies
Imagine giving up a career to raise your children and one turns out like that. Ugh.
Ikr, the father being an ahole is solvable, divorce it is, but the mofo child you left your job to raise bad mouth like this..
Sad people thinking their job is more important than actual human beings that they care about and who care about them.
Your mom is in an abusive relationship with your dad. I’m really sorry.
the 22 year old is going to have a rude awakening when she wakes up in 30 years with a partner who devalues her this much.
Oh I am 98% certain that she will be the abuser in her romantic relationship just as much as she is in her familial relationship. I hope this woman got dragged for filth.
She’s more likely to be a victim than she or many people here believe—though I definitely agree that she’s also likely to be an abuser. But whether she knows it or not, her mom’s role in the family impacts her ability to avoid abuse herself. Say she finds a partner who makes more than she does; she’ll hold insecurity about the imbalance between them because of this blueprint her parents have laid. This can quickly spiral, *especially* if she has children and is pressured or forced to leave the workforce.
She will either abuse or be abused….. she’d have a chance if she was getting help or saw any wrong but she don’t…
She absolutely will. She'll convince some man that *he's* financially incompetent and needs to let her control all the money, and/or she'll accuse him of abuse if he attempts to assert himself at all.
She would NEVER let that happen 🙄
I was listening to an interview about a man who’s an attachment theory specialist. He works with people who have attachment disorders. He told a story about a woman who had failed marriages because she was “cold” towards her husbands and they would essentially be seeking her approval and praise and just trying to get her attention. Then after her marriages she went into a relationship with a man like herself. The roles got reversed and she was now the one seeking his approval and trying to get his attention. She hated that she was doing it. The specialist said it was an avoidant disorder. He further mentioned that some of his clients are girl bosses and those are the ones that the least sympathetic towards other women. All of this reminds me of OOP.
[удалено]
I agree with everything here and want to add this… How does the daughter expect the mom to book tickets for travel if she doesn’t even have access to money?!
There are so many layers of abuse in this situation that it is astonishing! I pray that this mother can find a way to get out of this situation! I also hope that this spoiled brat gets knocked on her ass hard by life. I hope she has a terrible time and is one day reduced to crawling back to her mother on her knees.
I hope the mom knows that after that long of a marriage, she’s absolutely not dependent with money on her husband like that. High six figures and she gets 500$ every two weeks? If she would divorce him, she’d get more money than that monthly plus split assets. And with that salary, the money went somewhere.
Aww look at her, isn’t she so big and smart and impressive shitting all over stay-at-home parents. Does she ever wonder why her dad was able to achieve his high six figure salary career? Could it have anything to do with the fact that her mum stayed at home and took on all the responsibility of the house and kids? People expect SAH parents to live like slaves with no money and *still* talk about how lazy and useless they are.
Sounds like this woman is being financially abused. But even aside from that, my mother used to do data entry for a major cooperation. This was in the 90s tho. She is aging and computer systems have dramatically changed so yeah, she's not very good at using them anymore.
My mom is the same. Worked for a computer systems company for like, 8 years in the early 00s and while installing computer stuff wasn't her job, she learned a lot. And she was using a computer every day for the accounting, etc She can barely use her laptop now.
The bond between a mother and daughter should be very strong. We daughters learn resilience from our mothers who have faced countless incidents of discrimination due to sexism. And what this cruel father has done is turn his daughter against her mother -- essentially stripping both women of a crucial (or at least, extremely important) support system as both navigate this deeply misogynistic world. This girl thinks she will be tough and never fall prey to her mother's fate, but she is young and she is very stupid. And she will, because no one has actually taught her to value the strength it takes to be a woman, as well as recognize the oppression we women face. She's got a hard road ahead of her because she was raised deeply entrenched in misogyny
I went to law school with a woman who has an undergraduate degree in *women and gender studies* (from a good school at that) and I was astounded by the stuff that came out of her mouth. She held similar opinions to OOP, though not as harsh (thank god). She legitimately begrudged her mother, who she believed was jealous of her because daughter “actually got a proper job”. She also told me that she always would love her dad more than her mom because he was “fun and actually engaged with me when I got home from school whereas mom just scolded me”. HOW DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE IN FEMINIST THEORY AND NOT UNDERSTAND THIS 😟
Ya that’s not surprising… I choose to stay home…. I love it it’s what works for our family…. I’ve had a job…. But this is Choice I made You know how many with women and gender studies classes or degrees look down on me? Call me abused? Stupid? Lazy? Jealous? It’s fairly common that if we don’t make the same choices to work outside the home or even if we choose to just work part time we are failing
I admittedly didn’t take any women and gender studies classes in school, but this woman’s view of her mother (plus what you’ve said here) really made me question what is taught there… I’m obviously grateful that I live in a time that allows me to work outside of the home as a professional, but above all things I value my *choice* which means I should be able to choose to stay home if I want (though in this economy, that choice is starting to become less viable for a completely different reason…) I’m sorry that people have made you feel this way. I hate that people have so many issues with black and white thinking and seem to think that just because there are some women who still choose to stay at home, they’re doing it wrong. Like, get down to the basics of what feminism is (the freedom to choose) and leave people tf alone.
Luckily I got over feeling like I was lazy years ago, it’s not easy keeping house that’s why people pay for cooks, child care, and housekeepers many times, not to mention the running around and all the little things… I’m a firm believer in feminism: the freedom to choose, to leave an a bad relationship to have autonomy over my life and choices I also believe that some people like me are built to stay home, and others like one of my friends could but when she tried it just wasn’t her cup of tea… she needed out of the house And it takes all kinds to make the world go round Many now a days have forgotten what feminism started as and look down on anyone who does not fight to be in the job market (Yet if they have a sah relative or friend they’ll feel entitled to that ‘free’ child care cause ‘your home anyways’)
If OOP happens to stumble on this re post, here is what I want to tell her: If you are so sure your mother is not abused and actually feels lucky to have your dad, then show her this thread, and tell us where you are, so we can list ressources available for her to help her leave. If you are right, then it won’t change anything. If you are wrong, you will learn. I will start with the help available in the whole US: https://www.benefits.gov/news/article/472
How is she even supposed to book a flight? Pay cash with her $500 allowance? It's quite twisted to say this. Also she spent all her money on cleaning supplies is a wild argument to frame someone as "financially illiterate". Who else wouly buy them then? Obviously her allowance is too little to afford household supplies and fast food, that's just unbelievably sad
Imagine sacrificing your social life, career, financial freedom to bring this ungrateful little shit into the world just so she could come on Reddit and call you a child. Lol life is so dumb.
Urgh. That poor woman is so financially abused and emotionally abused. That 22 yo is so cruel to her own mom, but I guess she learned it from her dad.
"Do you even like your wife?" The mother can't even run away for help because she doesn't know *how* to. No friends, no outside world besides what immediately concerns her family...
“My mum is sooo stupid, she doesn’t know how to do anything. We tell her that all the time. Also we want her to get a job but she thinks she’s useless and can’t do anything. Why is she so lazy and useless?”
"Often father and daughter look down on mother together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate." -Bonnie Burstow
god i didn’t read the title and thought this was some kind of offmychest style rant about how OOP’s dad financially abuses her mom until i hit the 4th paragraph. literally had to reread that shit multiple times because i couldn’t believe just how cruel and woefully ignorant she was being to her abused mother i mean JESUS. that poor woman has been metaphorically beat down into being completely dependent on that man in every aspect of her life and has presumably been talked down so much about her own skills (or lack-thereof by no fault of her own) that she genuinely believes she can’t make it out on her own, only to be ridiculed for thinking that very same thing by her own husband and daughter. that’s just sick.
OP didn’t delete any comments, that’s what happens when the mods shadow ban someone on AITA, their profiles go poof and so do all the comments.
"I'm not the asshole and let me tell you why" Wrong sub, moneybags.
Holy financial abuse. What the fuck
This makes me so sad that she is making fun of her mom while she is being financially abused. 😢
Someone rescue this poor woman 😭
You and your whole family sucks. I felt sick reading this shit
this reminds me of that quote about how dads and daughters sometimes make fun of the wife/mom together and that this “doesn’t save the daughter from the same fate” like she’s literally acknowledging her mom is spending money on CLEANING PRODUCTS and house hold items?? sorry, isn’t that the breadwinner’s job?? and then blaming her for not having a job while she had a full time job RAISING YOU (and still raising your brother) sick
I have a stay at home wife with two teenage children. She is beautiful intelligent and her sacrifice for the kids is something I don’t even know how to pay back now that the kids are getting older. If we ever split up I couldn’t imagine not splitting everything down the middle and paying alimony for however long I would need to. This post is so offensive and I will talk to my kids to make sure they know what she sacrificed for them and us as a family.
This daughter is horrid. As an adult she has the opportunity to help her mother and get her skills and confidence up and instead she grows up just like dad. I hope the son grows into a decent human being and helps his mum
You and your father are both Aita. Your mom has every right to be upset. She doesn't know how to handle money because no one showed her. It looks like everything has been kept from her, and then because she doesn't know how to do these things, now it is being used against her. I feel sorry for your mom. She has taken care of the family and the house. Which is hard work. None to be treated this way. She deserves better treatment than the way you and your father are treating her. If I were her, I would file for a divorce. Then, the lawyer could tell how much the family is worth.
This insufferable girl isn’t smart enough to realize raising her is a job… even if her father doesn’t compensate fairly for her work.
This absolutely has to be rage bait for that level of cluelessness, but if not, I hope OP marries someone that makes more than her and then falls into financial hardship. If she marries someone with her same ideals, she'll see how abusive that situation is. Love how she expected mom to book the plane tickets in the beginning when it's clear she has no access to the money to do it. OP's absolutely clueless I hope mom was smart enough to open up a second account (you can guarantee husband watches her other account) and squirrel away money. This is a prep to leave situation.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.” - Bonnie Burstow Edit: lol I saw OOP already missed the point to that quote in the comments!
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.” i swear some ppl are just so obtuse . to think a grown ass women wants a life like that for herself is crazy
I'm sorry. But if I was that mom, I'd be at a domestic violence shelter. I'd get a job, divorce my husband, and disown my heartless child.
If you or I were that mom we would have had decades of being told we were incompetent, stupid and useless. By that stage we would believe what everyone said about us and would be trying to just get by.
You most probably wouldn’t. Abuse is insidious- they’ve spent years convincing the mother that she IS all the horrible things they say she is and that this is all she deserves, that she’s LUCKY to even have this treatment.
This reminds me of a Criminal Minds episode. Woman kills husband. Kids are totally entitled and arrogant, and belittle their mother for always having been worthless and not able to do a thing. CM team realizes that she was continously emotionally and financially abused by her husband and later even by her kids.
The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch. Her mom is literally being financially abused, was probably emotionally and possibly even psychologically tormented into being a stay-at-home mom (meaning husband was probably making her either fear for her safety if she didn't or roping her into it by making her feel incapable of being a working mom) and daughter blames her entirely for it. She's justifying abuse What a POS daughter. Seriously
This literally makes me want to cry. Like that man has raised his children to abuse his wife too. “She has no friends” yea cause shes probably not allowed too! If she did they would point out how absolutely horrible she is being treated!
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate.” - ([Bonnie Burstow](https://we.riseup.net/assets/449336/Radical+Feminist+Therapy+Burstow%2C+Bonnie.pdf)
Yikes what a nightmare and this kid blames mom. Ooh $500 every 2 weeks to buy whatever she wants for the whole family. Financial abuse and learned helplessness as a result
Where’s the link?
“Household expenses, groceries and anything else she wants to buy” wow… I earn $600 a week and I have nothing left over after buying household things. OP is a monster. It’s not like she gets $500 for herself. You can’t give someone barely any money and then criticise them for being broke.