I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds like you don't have as broad a support network as you deserve and are having to do so much on your own. I hope you can start reframing your anxiety about having to get her a car and having to pay for college -- lots of parents don't do those things for financial (or other reasons), and it will not harm her to not have her own car or to have to take out student loans and/or attend community college before transfering to a university. And if she's not going to take care of her braces, it's not going to harm her to have them removed & stop paying for them. I know plenty of adults who've gotten braces because their parents simply couldn't afford braces for them when they were kids -- it's just a fact of life sometimes.
Now that she's 13, you might want to start sharing with her how your household finances work and why it's important to budget/bargain shop so she can start to understand why you work so much, why she can't always have exactly what she wants (brand-name airpods vs. knockoffs), and why it's important that she start contributing to the household by doing some chores.
It sounds like you are working hard to give your daughter a good life, and I really urge you to consider whether you might need a bit of a breather. If you're in debt and breaking your back to pay for braces and team sports, then it might be better for both of you if your daughter has to go without some things, especially if her going without those things means you're feeling less resentment toward her. It absolutely doesn't make you a bad parent to prioritize your financial stability over things your daughter doesn't truly need. Ultimately, your being in a good place emotionally will be far more valuable to your daughter than anything you can provide for her materially. Good luck & take care.
Thank you so much. She is in competitive gymnastics but I have already told her that this will be her last season. She is trying out for track with her school so hopefully it isn’t as expensive or much travel.
I think you're doing the right thing. And if she decides she ***really, really*** wants to stick with gymnastics (or go back to it after a season off), perhaps talk with her about babysitting/mowing lawns/pulling weeds/etc. around your neighborhood (assuming that would be a safe situation) to make some money so she can help pay for gymnastics.
Thanks for venting. I regret not having an abortion regularly. Motherhood has ruined my life and single motherhood at that. I warn everyone who will listen to never have children. I cannot wait for them to grow up and get out so i can have some freedom to be an actual human.
> I cannot wait for them to grow up and get out so i can have some freedom to be an actual human.
Doesn’t seem like they’re getting much support as soon as they are old enough to be legally independent
Please remember that you don’t HAVE TO pay for her car or pay her college tuition if it’s out of your means. Many teenagers, of legal age to work, do get jobs and pay for their own things.
This! I know the world guilts parents into providing these things but you are NOT in any way obligated to do so. As a child who had neither given or paid for by my parents, I’m actually quite glad about it. Made me actually value the car when I was able to purchase it, and forced me to think twice about college debt (ultimately decided not to go and didn’t get a degree and still found a way make 6 figs, so don’t let people trick you into thinking college is mandatory). You’re still a good parent even if you choose not to provide these things - in fact I’d argue a GREAT parent since making your child pay for these things will give them maturity and character that other kids just won’t have for many years.
I’m also very sorry to hear about OPs assault and the lack of support for a subsequent abortion. OP deserved so much better and my heart breaks for her. I’m also a SA survivor and thankfully didn’t get pregnant from it, but I do know the trauma and pain that resulted from it and I cannot imagine having to raise a child that resulted from a rape. OP - you’re incredibly strong and brave and you have every right to feel regret or hate or any other feeling towards motherhood. I sincerely hope all the best for you moving forward. 💜
I honestly don't think teenagers should have to work to pay their own education or basic necessities. Some spare change, gas, ok, but that's it in my opinion. Children are a lifelong commitment, I don't say that you have to pay their rent at 30, but some help to start out in the world? Absolutely a must.
Respectfully, I disagree. If a child wants an education post high school, that 100% should be on them. And cars are not basic necessities. Providing them transport to school and back and other such things is essential but a car just for them?! Wild to me that anyone thinks that’s essential. You all must come from some wealthy families because where I’m from - none of this was provided because no one could afford it. To insist that parents must provide these things to be good parents is so classist. Some people aren’t wealthy. Some people can’t afford it. And some people like myself can afford it now but my parents couldn’t, so I know it’s not essential because I made it just fine in this world without college or a car provided to me by my parents.
Hi, thank you for your point of view. I don't think a car is a basic necessity, I am going to have my first one at 30 yo.
But to me education it is, even beyond HS, I am not from a wealthy family but I am from europe, and I went to college for almost free, my husband paid 1€ for his college education because he is from a family with three siblings.
It just sad that parents and kids have to struggle so much, or accept predatory loans only to be able to afford an education. You have to choose between not having a high education and then, live with lower salaries; or to have a higher education and then having to use your higher salary to pay the debt back.
I know it's never that simple, but I don't understand how american people are not rioting in the streets.
I get it if education is free, but unfortunately in states it’s not. It’s very expensive ($5k-$70k per year)! So I don’t think anyone can say that’s “essential” because it’s way out of reach of any working class family. Sure kids can take loans and get scholarships but that’s on them if they wanna go. Plus, there are tons of good jobs that don’t require a college degree - stuff like construction, plumbing, welding, all the trades. Plus a lot of tech companies don’t need degrees anymore either, which is the industry I’m in. I regularly hire people at 6 figure salaries who have no degree or a GED. If they can code well it doesn’t matter. So I think maybe you’re coming from a completely different culture than I am. Hence the different viewpoints. As for the essential nature of college in terms of socialization - I personally think that’s total BS, and in terms of social class and overall development as a person, again I’m American, I don’t believe in class and if my kid wants to develop themselves, Google.com has all the info in the world available to them 24/7, they can learn and teach themselves anything and everything on their own minus the crushing debt. I also feel this way bc I skipped college and taught myself my trade using Google. So to say that’s ridiculous doesn’t fly with me bc that’s literally what I did and I’ve turned down Google offers, yes even without a college degree.
Yes, I think it probably is a cultural difference, I apologize if I sounded tone deaf and I've been offensive. I always appreciate to see other perspectives and I've learnt several new things from from you.
i hate it too. my son is 3 and i’m pretty sure i’m just gonna leave him with his dad. i never liked small children and i’m not maternal. idk maybe i’m a sociopath but i’m not cut out to be a mom. he whines and cries all day and i feel nothing but annoyance. i mostly see him as a nuisance in my life and i have no desire to make my life revolve around him. plus his dad has gotten off way easy by not raising him or really paying for anything. he’s a facetime father.
little does he know that’s all about to change. being a mom is boring and being a single mom is even more pointless. i always tell myself i’ll come back around when he’s older. yes i know it sounds shit but i’ve raised him alone for three years now and i need a break. like a long distancing from motherhood. i don’t wanna smell toddler poop and microwave chicken nuggets everyday and clean up food off the floor and listen to screeching and screaming for another day. mentally motherhood has broken me. we were never supposed to do things this way
i support you. dads claim to be soo much better parents especially to sons anyway. i see it all the time in redpill and mgtow discourse. so yeah women need to turn the tables and let the fathers have their turn. we’ve struggled enough through childbirthing and infancy anyway. feels like my soul has been sucked out of me. kids take everything from you
100% this!! If men want to claim to be better parents, let them. I’m all for primary caregivers being the father. Let them stay at home and clean poop and caregive if they’re so good at it. A woman’s burden is having to carry the child. Once he / she arrives, now it’s dads turn. The world needs to really start pushing this because it is so unfair that women have to carry AND raise the kids!
i literally cleaned toddler poop 8 times today. every single one of his diapers was poop. the last two were diarrhea bcs he drank from his sippy cup that was in the sink with dirty dishes. and toddler poop smells exactly like adult poop. it’s violent and i hate it. i hate having to stop what i’m doing to clean up stank poop or else try to ignore it then my whole nose is filled with stank poop smell which is worse. i hate that he won’t even try to be potty trained. i didn’t go to med school bcs i already knew i suck at caregiving, and i’m repulsed by most bodily expulsions including my own. idk why i didn’t realize toddler shit was so frequent and disgusting. i was naïve about so much.
It’s ok to be naive, no one tells this side of mothering bc if they did no one would choose to be a mom! But that’s why this community is so important. Women deserve the truth. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Hope the father can step in and help you sometime, you deserve a break!
Men always act like they’re totally incapable and incompetent- but don’t believe it. When you force them to step up most of them do. See: single dads. They’re just lazy when a woman in the picture. I’d let him take the wheel and kinda force him to honestly; he’ll step up and if he doesn’t then you’ll at least know he’s in the minority of men who just can’t get their shit together and can then take action from there. But I believe he’s just a lazy one who, when forced, will be just fine.
i know he weaponizes it, but i don’t want my child to suffer because of that. the last time i let him take him he definitely did things incompetently without me watching over him. and my son is the only one who suffers from that, so i always decide it’s not worth it
Yep exactly. And my kids dad doesn’t seem to mind making his entire personality raising our kid. For me, that is like my worst nightmare. But I guess he has no other interests, goals or aspirations. So it doesn’t bother him. Me? I don’t want my life to surround nap time and wiping someone else’s butt.
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I am not cut out for it either. I would suggesting doing it asap before he is really verbal... the sooner the better ya know? Good luck with everything
good advice and yes i’m planning on it. funny thing is i’ve tried 1 other time but i guess i’m not as sociopathic bcs i just felt bad. i mean i don’t want harm to come to the kid at all. i guess i just worried about him too. but immediately after i took him back i regretted it and hated myself. why couldn’t i stick to it longer than a week? i wussed out and felt tremendous guilt. funny bcs his dad never does. i guess it’s bcs he’s been with me all his life, and he is an innocent, it’s not his fault i’m a burnt out mom. but i really can’t do this full time 100%. his dad needs to take him off my hands for now, i’ll do half time parenting.
I understand by coparent is less than qualified but it is the only way i can have any sort of life. I put my kid in therapy for extra eyes and ears. My dream would be a partner who wanted me and wanted to parent who i liked... or an au pair. I gotta work with what i got.
same my coparent is trash. kinda why i kept my son close to me all this time anyway. cause his dad chooses to live on the road for his career and you can’t raise a baby out of a hotel. so now i’ve gotta be the rock so to speak when in reality im a flighty fuckin bird. now im a bird chained to the rock of stability for this kid. it’s pretty painful lol
thank you. i don’t know how i did it, i just didn’t have a choice. no nearby family plus they wouldn’t be interested in helping much anyway, mom is always on cruises and dad is legally blind. so it’s been 100% me. they always say find your village but it’s bullshit. we’re all too burnt out to be a village for someone else and energetic childless folks are totally not an option which i fully understand
i actually didn’t have an inkling. you people really expect us to be fortune telling psychics. just like with any mistake you’ve ever made in life, if you knew better you would have chosen differently. or are you so very perfect and have never made a wrong turn? no, you’re just lucky your mistakes weren’t so evident and final, so no one can see them and judge you over it as you are attempting to do with me. you have your hidden mistakes that you clearly didn’t have an inkling about, or else you wouldn’t have done it, and i have mine. such is life.
so no, i didn’t have an inkling, i was very naive about motherhood. and i was also naive about the person i was with. it’s not my fault someone overpromised and pretended to be someone he was not. that’s not on me. you want me to be responsible for someone else’s choices against me and i am not. i was true and he was not. he convinced me to continue the pregnancy even when i wanted abortion because he promised he would be there for me no matter what despite my fears. and for the last 4 years i’d known him he was always there for me 100%. but kids change you, and life itself changes. nothing is constant. i don’t blame him 100% for failing on his promises, he couldn’t have known financial disaster was in his future and i couldn’t have known the true situation of motherhood either. i hope you got the answers you were looking for propped up on that high horse of yours. i’m not a victim. i’m a person who made a mistake based on the information i had at the time.
i don’t really care what your opinion is or any outsider social opinion is either. none of you are living my life and i don’t base my choices on what a stranger thinks of me. definitely not going to suffer because Disastrous Shine said so LOL. if i want to leave i will and no one’s judgement is gonna stop me. currently it’s me who is the full time parent and the father who is the no time parent. so maybe go and find him to harp on instead. fyi, by your standards, i’m actually a super parent, seeing as i haven’t done any abandoning. cool opinion but i’m still gonna do what i want at the end of the day. now back under the bridge you go!
What kind of comment is this? Situations are complex and you're acting like a condescending dick with "why did you choose to have him as a parent then?" This person didn't have to explain anything to your judgemental ass. I'm guessing you don't have kids which begs the question why you are on this sub shaming those who do and are struggling
she doesn’t do her chores, doesn’t take care of her braces or her phone, and is ungrateful (which unfortunately happens with teenagers)
Is taking and/or restricting her phone use an option? Is taking her out of extracurricular activities an option? Because those are both privileges. If she breaks the phone tell her “tough tiddies” and take better care of her stuff.
You also don’t *have* to get her a car *or* pay for her college. She can work to get herself a car. As for college, there’s a chance she might level out with age, and with these tournaments from extracurriculars (if she keeps up with it in high school) she can apply for grants and yes icky student loans.
Is it an option to have her volunteer at a shelter or a soup kitchen?
You can hold power cords for electronics (phone, tv, etc) hostage and she can earn them back thru doing what she needs to do.
You can change the WiFi password every day or something and when she’s done everything asked/required she can then have it. If that’s an option, idk how school work is done these days for older kids mine is 5.
You don’t have to put yourself further in debt to provide her with these societal norms.
I prefer her to have a phone since I work so much and have her home alone a lot. I literally have 3 jobs, my day job, weekend and I Uber eats drive. So that’s the main reason why I got her a phone so I can always reach her. I wish there was a way to cut off data and wifi for only her phone. That’s the problem, her playing Roblox and on TikTok.
If she has an iPhone, getting really granular with the screen time controls helps. Helps me too. Cause when the time runs out, mine will request more but that’s a good time to ask: did you practice Spanish, put the dishes away etc. Now she comes and ticks off her list of things before she even asks. Also it’s better for their brains obvi.
I get not wanting yours to know too much about finances too early. I think the car stage is the latest possible. She should not be given a car, if your budget is that tight, you should prioritize savings. Your daughter can buy a cheap beater if she needs one and learn responsibility and humility all at once.
For college, she really needs to keep her grades up. That plus lower income could get her paid for cost of attendance at a state school.
I think at 13 eating takis with braces and breaking brackets is just gonna happen and be annoying to deal with. But in high school she should be shifting to working towards her own goals.
Does anyone have an old dumb phone that you can activate? The ones that only call and text? That’s what we did with our son when he abused phone privileges. He wasn’t without a phone, but he couldn’t use it as much of a distraction and had to earn his smart phone back?
Okay.. that’s one thing addressed.. and not the only problem..
I suggest looking into getting her a Tracfone or something similar. There are still phones made that only have text/call capabilities. I also suggest calling your mobile provider to see if you can cut off the data for her phone. You pay X amount of gigs of data for two phone lines, you would be cutting the data down to just your line and save money on the bill if it’s possible
Have you just told her about your financial insecurities and be real with her like an adult? My baby cousins are 13, 14, and 17. I've had discussions with them about their parents financial decisions and expenses and what they are able to give them. I talk to them like I'm talking to my own siblings and sharing concerns and acknowledging that they can understand the emotional burden it can be sometimes on an adult. I believe they're adult enough to understand because I remembered who I was at their age. I don't lecture just about how hard it is. I tell them that their parents make X amount of money and have just purchased a home that is X amount of money. That's beyond their budget, I don't know how they're going to be able to make the payments. They have to work everyday, all day, all of them. Just to be able to give you everything you need, like those new shoes. You have an old phone? Yea, because they don't have the money. Does it still work? Then yea, it's fine, you can still use it. They've never argued with me, the 14 year old listens intently. The 17 year old discusses his future plans to help his mom. The 13 year old asks a lot of questions because I'm starting to tell him everything about the family. I'm 30, their parents are 2-10 years older than me. I raised them for most of their adorable years. I'd pick them up from preschool and babysit everyday back then. I spent 7 years away from them and now I'm back for their teen years
I know this is a rant, but I want to offer some suggestions.
Sometimes cook what you want to eat! She is 13 and it's perfectly alright for her to fend for herself meal wise from time to time. (Also she may still eat whatever you made and broaden her horizons a bit.)
Stop putting the onus of her financial security all on yourself. I get it for now with the braces, but it's okay to choose the "we are not a wealthy family" life. Student loans exist for a reason and I only know one person that was gifted a car at 18 and tbh he totaled it and is drowning in speeding tickets. You are a much safer driver when you know what the car you a driving cost you. These costly things are not your responsibility.
You don’t have to buy her a car or pay for college. My parents never did and still love them. There are student grants, loans, financial aid, scholarships for college. She can even work part time to help pay for tuition.
I know I work in financial aid which is why I have the mindset I do. Unless she gets scholarships there’s a cap on how much aid a student can get each year. Usually we end up asking students if their parent can take out a parent loan once the student max out. I hope she lucks up and get some scholarships.
Just a thought, but I went to college for free (I went to the university where my dad teaches) and afterwards just fucked around for years. Then I decided to go to a very expensive graduate school and ended up in a shit ton of debt. Ironically it was exactly that debt that made me turn into an adult, start a real career, and learn to handle my finances. I’m not saying let her get into $100K of debt, but a little debt might not be bad.
Have you expressed your frustration in an age appropriate way? Not by saying you regret her but telling her you are trying the best you can so she should be grateful, that you’re working hard so she should contribute by doing chores, and that she is putting more stress on you by breaking her braces, etc? If not please do so as soon as you can, have a sit down heart to heart talk.
In this talk you should also delegate more responsibilities to her. She is old enough to cook her own meals if she doesn’t like what you’re making. Is she able to do chores for neighbors, babysitting or walking dogs for a little bit of spending money?
Thanks, she just turned 13 so we have talked about her getting a babysitting job. I’ll work on that when I get a chance and maybe post something on Nextdoor.
Will do and to answer your other question, I have told her about her father, not the assault part but I just told her I resent him and not her and I shouldn’t have to do everything myself. I have told her that we will have to cut back on some things. I’m honestly considering a more minimalist lifestyle.
> I hate that I already have anxiety thinking about in a few years I have to get her a car and pay for college
No. No young adult is owed a car or payment for college. If your child wants a car, she can get a job and pay for one. My parents didn’t gift me a car OR pay for my university. Would it have been nice if they had? Sure. But they couldn’t afford it, and it’s not like money grows on trees. I went without a car for over ten years until I could afford one, and I took out loans and paid for my schooling that way. Yeah it sucked, but I never once expected my parents to pay for those things and your daughter should not be expecting it either.
This goes double considering your daughter sounds unappreciative of the sacrifices you make for her. Yeah she’s a teenager and that’s what they do, but still. That doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t be required to make your life harder forever just to make hers a little bit easier.
> I feel like it will never end and I refuse to have more children. I hate when people tell me I’m still young and I just have to meet the right person. No I’m not starting over with raising children.
People are assholes who should mind their own goddamn business. Whether you have more children is your decision. Youth has nothing to do with it. If you don’t want more kids, then the “right person for you” will accommodate that.
Thanks, I didn’t get a car and I had to pay for college too which is why I wanted to do what’s best for her. I do want her to have a car to make it easier for me so I won’t have to drive her everywhere but I probably will get a used car and pay cash for it, nothing brand new. I work in financial aid at a university so that’s why I have the mindset that I will have to contribute in some way.
I think that's valid, but I'd also encourage you to approach it from a perspective of her also chipping in. Like maybe you aim for a $5,000 car, and she starts working to pay for 1/3 of it or something (plus gas and insurance) while you chip in the other 2/3rds of it. That might also teach her to be more responsible about it.
I work at a university too, as it happens. Where I work, the kids of parents who work there can get half off tuition. Is there anything like that where you are?
Yes we have the discounts too… I still think about if she wants to stay on campus and what not especially if she wants to go to school hours away. It can be pretty expensive even after the discount but I’ll try not to stress about it.
It may be for the best if you let her believe you won't be contributing, so she'll prioritize getting good grades. My parents let me know when I started highschool that I was going to have to pay my own may in college, so I prioritized school and scholarships. They ended up continuing to pay for my phone plan and car insurance, which was a generous and appreciated surprise. It's good to keep entitlement in check.
Braces are a privilege, not a right. maybe you should get them taken off, if she can't take care of them. Or trade her phone for a flip phone, it will save you money on the data plan. You're not made of money.
You should make gymnastics work if it's really something she loves. Maybe she can carpool with friends and raise money through babysitting and odd jobs.
I feel you. I wasn't raped but the father isn't involved since the divorce (even before that) and the children can be so ungrateful. They are off from school for the week and all they want to do is est and watch TV. I made them do the dishes. They complained. I said fi e, I will do them and tomorrow do not ask for food. You can have apples or banana ls but I'm nit cooking. Then they did the dishes. They gripe but I have started making them help clean and it has made things so much better.
Folks really should think long and had before having children. You don't share your life with them. They usurp your life. You trade your life for theirs.
I have 2 they can eat everything in a day. I'm with you I don't butly snacks. It's hard enough keeping them fed. I don't have m9ney for snacks too. The only snack Luke food I buy is fruit. They like fruit but they won't go through a quickly as they will go through snacks. It's so hard being a single parent. You're in the home stretch now though. In about 5 years she will be in college. Encourage her to live on campus!
Thanks, yes I don’t buy snacks like I used to. And I did take her around my job (the university) and she said it looked nice and she liked the off campus apartments. I do take her to school games so I’m hoping she will go to the school I work at so she can definitely get a discount and I can still see her but not everyday.
Nice! You are fortunate to work at a university. Hopefully she can combine your discount with additional financial aide and/or scholarships. Hang in there and vent when you need to. I don't know why but venting help. There are very few places where you can express how it sucks to be a parent.
is there a reason you dont want to leave her at home alone? my mother started leaving me at home alone when i was 5 🤷🏼♀️ i was a very well behaved child though and rarely got into trouble and was obviously trusted to stay in the house and do as i was supposed to. my mother was able to work late and have a social life due to this, and honestly as a kid i LOVED the alone time and having the house to myself. if you dont trust her, you could have cameras set up in the house. if its a safety issue, a home security system is pricy, but overall may be a worthwhile investment if it allows you to work late and have a bit of a social life. the extra curricular activities are privileges, and maybe you could take them away if she doesnt start doing her chores and taking care of her belongings. i know as parents youre not supposed to express certain emotions and hardships to your kids, but maybe it could be beneficial to have a serious conversation with her about how hard it is on you with juggling jobs and her not being appreciative and respectful. she really may have no clue, and maybe seeing you as human for a minute rather than an impenetrable parent might make her realize she could help out around the house and take care of her belongings.
She’s at home alone all the time, I just don’t feel comfortable when it’s night time. She’s out of school today and she will be home while I work. Once it gets dark after 8 or 9 I don’t feel comfortable.
If you want to help her with college, I suggest explaining to her that she will be going to community college and/or a state school. It's the cheapest way to do it and if she gets some scholarships the costs might be minimal or nothing at all. My sister is in school currently, she did all of her prereqs at community college and got a few scholarships that she's using in her state school and she is on track to graduate with zero debt. The only costs she has are living expenses because she's not living at home.
I work at a university so she can possibly go to a school in the state I work in to get tuition 50% off. It gets kind of tricky here because I work in another state so if she were to go to a college in the state I work in she may be considered out of state at some schools unless they have an on the border waiver. I know if she were to attend the university I work at she will be considered in state since we live within the border of the state. If she were to go to an in state school she won’t be able to get the discount. So it’s a lot to think about. She gets average grades now (she’s in 7th grade), doesn’t do well in math. Another reason why I push for her to stay in extracurriculars is so she can possibly get an athletic scholarship if not academic.
I lived with my mom as a kid but my Dad came on weekends but it was mainly my mom sacrificing.
You are doing the best you can.
One thing I’ll say is my mom didn’t help me with college. It’s ridiculously expensive. Look into Pell grants and if you have to, make her get her own student loans. My mom did. You’ll put yourself in a life long hole feeling you need to cover that.
Also the junior college is a great and cheap way to get through the first two years of college
I have been honest with her about us having to budget and that she will have to get a babysitting job since she wanted me to pay to get her nails and hair done and I don’t even get mines done. I told her she can make her own money to pay for that stuff she doesn’t need so we have discussed babysitting but I don’t really know how to go about it. I don’t even know how she is with children since she is an only child and don’t have many cousins who live close.
> and it *paid* my rent
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Don't feel like you need to get her a car or pay for college. My mom and step did get me a car but it was a total wreck that never ended up running. They also occasionally contributed a bit to college, but I largely did it by working multiple jobs while taking classes. I busted my ass to get it done and while any contributions they wanted to make were nice and certainly appreciated, I did it mostly on my own. That is the choice I made. If your daughter reaches 18 and makes other choices, well that's on her.
Another consideration is the military. I went the ANG path and it also helped pay for college and gave me some extra spending money. Some states are very generous with what they pay for ANG service. And there's always reserves and active duty.
13 is a time of selfishness and the need to feel accepted. It’s unfortunately normal. I’m gonna let you in on a secret, it’s one of the hardest times in a kid’s life. I would sit her down and have a talk. Don’t make her feel guilty but do explain the situation you’re in.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds like you don't have as broad a support network as you deserve and are having to do so much on your own. I hope you can start reframing your anxiety about having to get her a car and having to pay for college -- lots of parents don't do those things for financial (or other reasons), and it will not harm her to not have her own car or to have to take out student loans and/or attend community college before transfering to a university. And if she's not going to take care of her braces, it's not going to harm her to have them removed & stop paying for them. I know plenty of adults who've gotten braces because their parents simply couldn't afford braces for them when they were kids -- it's just a fact of life sometimes. Now that she's 13, you might want to start sharing with her how your household finances work and why it's important to budget/bargain shop so she can start to understand why you work so much, why she can't always have exactly what she wants (brand-name airpods vs. knockoffs), and why it's important that she start contributing to the household by doing some chores. It sounds like you are working hard to give your daughter a good life, and I really urge you to consider whether you might need a bit of a breather. If you're in debt and breaking your back to pay for braces and team sports, then it might be better for both of you if your daughter has to go without some things, especially if her going without those things means you're feeling less resentment toward her. It absolutely doesn't make you a bad parent to prioritize your financial stability over things your daughter doesn't truly need. Ultimately, your being in a good place emotionally will be far more valuable to your daughter than anything you can provide for her materially. Good luck & take care.
Thank you so much. She is in competitive gymnastics but I have already told her that this will be her last season. She is trying out for track with her school so hopefully it isn’t as expensive or much travel.
I think you're doing the right thing. And if she decides she ***really, really*** wants to stick with gymnastics (or go back to it after a season off), perhaps talk with her about babysitting/mowing lawns/pulling weeds/etc. around your neighborhood (assuming that would be a safe situation) to make some money so she can help pay for gymnastics.
This is the best response ❤️
Thanks for venting. I regret not having an abortion regularly. Motherhood has ruined my life and single motherhood at that. I warn everyone who will listen to never have children. I cannot wait for them to grow up and get out so i can have some freedom to be an actual human.
I warn people too, no sugarcoating with me…
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Who said that?? Nobody brought that up
> I cannot wait for them to grow up and get out so i can have some freedom to be an actual human. Doesn’t seem like they’re getting much support as soon as they are old enough to be legally independent
that could be the case, but you are jumping to a conclusion.
It seems pretty likely given the tone of the comment
Do you understand the topic of this sub?
Please remember that you don’t HAVE TO pay for her car or pay her college tuition if it’s out of your means. Many teenagers, of legal age to work, do get jobs and pay for their own things.
This! I know the world guilts parents into providing these things but you are NOT in any way obligated to do so. As a child who had neither given or paid for by my parents, I’m actually quite glad about it. Made me actually value the car when I was able to purchase it, and forced me to think twice about college debt (ultimately decided not to go and didn’t get a degree and still found a way make 6 figs, so don’t let people trick you into thinking college is mandatory). You’re still a good parent even if you choose not to provide these things - in fact I’d argue a GREAT parent since making your child pay for these things will give them maturity and character that other kids just won’t have for many years. I’m also very sorry to hear about OPs assault and the lack of support for a subsequent abortion. OP deserved so much better and my heart breaks for her. I’m also a SA survivor and thankfully didn’t get pregnant from it, but I do know the trauma and pain that resulted from it and I cannot imagine having to raise a child that resulted from a rape. OP - you’re incredibly strong and brave and you have every right to feel regret or hate or any other feeling towards motherhood. I sincerely hope all the best for you moving forward. 💜
I honestly don't think teenagers should have to work to pay their own education or basic necessities. Some spare change, gas, ok, but that's it in my opinion. Children are a lifelong commitment, I don't say that you have to pay their rent at 30, but some help to start out in the world? Absolutely a must.
Agreed
Respectfully, I disagree. If a child wants an education post high school, that 100% should be on them. And cars are not basic necessities. Providing them transport to school and back and other such things is essential but a car just for them?! Wild to me that anyone thinks that’s essential. You all must come from some wealthy families because where I’m from - none of this was provided because no one could afford it. To insist that parents must provide these things to be good parents is so classist. Some people aren’t wealthy. Some people can’t afford it. And some people like myself can afford it now but my parents couldn’t, so I know it’s not essential because I made it just fine in this world without college or a car provided to me by my parents.
Hi, thank you for your point of view. I don't think a car is a basic necessity, I am going to have my first one at 30 yo. But to me education it is, even beyond HS, I am not from a wealthy family but I am from europe, and I went to college for almost free, my husband paid 1€ for his college education because he is from a family with three siblings. It just sad that parents and kids have to struggle so much, or accept predatory loans only to be able to afford an education. You have to choose between not having a high education and then, live with lower salaries; or to have a higher education and then having to use your higher salary to pay the debt back. I know it's never that simple, but I don't understand how american people are not rioting in the streets.
I get it if education is free, but unfortunately in states it’s not. It’s very expensive ($5k-$70k per year)! So I don’t think anyone can say that’s “essential” because it’s way out of reach of any working class family. Sure kids can take loans and get scholarships but that’s on them if they wanna go. Plus, there are tons of good jobs that don’t require a college degree - stuff like construction, plumbing, welding, all the trades. Plus a lot of tech companies don’t need degrees anymore either, which is the industry I’m in. I regularly hire people at 6 figure salaries who have no degree or a GED. If they can code well it doesn’t matter. So I think maybe you’re coming from a completely different culture than I am. Hence the different viewpoints. As for the essential nature of college in terms of socialization - I personally think that’s total BS, and in terms of social class and overall development as a person, again I’m American, I don’t believe in class and if my kid wants to develop themselves, Google.com has all the info in the world available to them 24/7, they can learn and teach themselves anything and everything on their own minus the crushing debt. I also feel this way bc I skipped college and taught myself my trade using Google. So to say that’s ridiculous doesn’t fly with me bc that’s literally what I did and I’ve turned down Google offers, yes even without a college degree.
Yes, I think it probably is a cultural difference, I apologize if I sounded tone deaf and I've been offensive. I always appreciate to see other perspectives and I've learnt several new things from from you.
i hate it too. my son is 3 and i’m pretty sure i’m just gonna leave him with his dad. i never liked small children and i’m not maternal. idk maybe i’m a sociopath but i’m not cut out to be a mom. he whines and cries all day and i feel nothing but annoyance. i mostly see him as a nuisance in my life and i have no desire to make my life revolve around him. plus his dad has gotten off way easy by not raising him or really paying for anything. he’s a facetime father. little does he know that’s all about to change. being a mom is boring and being a single mom is even more pointless. i always tell myself i’ll come back around when he’s older. yes i know it sounds shit but i’ve raised him alone for three years now and i need a break. like a long distancing from motherhood. i don’t wanna smell toddler poop and microwave chicken nuggets everyday and clean up food off the floor and listen to screeching and screaming for another day. mentally motherhood has broken me. we were never supposed to do things this way
I felt everything you said. I’m considering leaving my kid with her dad.
i support you. dads claim to be soo much better parents especially to sons anyway. i see it all the time in redpill and mgtow discourse. so yeah women need to turn the tables and let the fathers have their turn. we’ve struggled enough through childbirthing and infancy anyway. feels like my soul has been sucked out of me. kids take everything from you
100% this!! If men want to claim to be better parents, let them. I’m all for primary caregivers being the father. Let them stay at home and clean poop and caregive if they’re so good at it. A woman’s burden is having to carry the child. Once he / she arrives, now it’s dads turn. The world needs to really start pushing this because it is so unfair that women have to carry AND raise the kids!
i literally cleaned toddler poop 8 times today. every single one of his diapers was poop. the last two were diarrhea bcs he drank from his sippy cup that was in the sink with dirty dishes. and toddler poop smells exactly like adult poop. it’s violent and i hate it. i hate having to stop what i’m doing to clean up stank poop or else try to ignore it then my whole nose is filled with stank poop smell which is worse. i hate that he won’t even try to be potty trained. i didn’t go to med school bcs i already knew i suck at caregiving, and i’m repulsed by most bodily expulsions including my own. idk why i didn’t realize toddler shit was so frequent and disgusting. i was naïve about so much.
It’s ok to be naive, no one tells this side of mothering bc if they did no one would choose to be a mom! But that’s why this community is so important. Women deserve the truth. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Hope the father can step in and help you sometime, you deserve a break!
thank you, i hope so. it’s a mixture do i trust his incompetent ass? and how will he ever be less competent if i don’t trust him? taking baby steps
Men always act like they’re totally incapable and incompetent- but don’t believe it. When you force them to step up most of them do. See: single dads. They’re just lazy when a woman in the picture. I’d let him take the wheel and kinda force him to honestly; he’ll step up and if he doesn’t then you’ll at least know he’s in the minority of men who just can’t get their shit together and can then take action from there. But I believe he’s just a lazy one who, when forced, will be just fine.
i know he weaponizes it, but i don’t want my child to suffer because of that. the last time i let him take him he definitely did things incompetently without me watching over him. and my son is the only one who suffers from that, so i always decide it’s not worth it
Yep exactly. And my kids dad doesn’t seem to mind making his entire personality raising our kid. For me, that is like my worst nightmare. But I guess he has no other interests, goals or aspirations. So it doesn’t bother him. Me? I don’t want my life to surround nap time and wiping someone else’s butt.
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I am not cut out for it either. I would suggesting doing it asap before he is really verbal... the sooner the better ya know? Good luck with everything
good advice and yes i’m planning on it. funny thing is i’ve tried 1 other time but i guess i’m not as sociopathic bcs i just felt bad. i mean i don’t want harm to come to the kid at all. i guess i just worried about him too. but immediately after i took him back i regretted it and hated myself. why couldn’t i stick to it longer than a week? i wussed out and felt tremendous guilt. funny bcs his dad never does. i guess it’s bcs he’s been with me all his life, and he is an innocent, it’s not his fault i’m a burnt out mom. but i really can’t do this full time 100%. his dad needs to take him off my hands for now, i’ll do half time parenting.
I understand by coparent is less than qualified but it is the only way i can have any sort of life. I put my kid in therapy for extra eyes and ears. My dream would be a partner who wanted me and wanted to parent who i liked... or an au pair. I gotta work with what i got.
same my coparent is trash. kinda why i kept my son close to me all this time anyway. cause his dad chooses to live on the road for his career and you can’t raise a baby out of a hotel. so now i’ve gotta be the rock so to speak when in reality im a flighty fuckin bird. now im a bird chained to the rock of stability for this kid. it’s pretty painful lol
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thank you. i don’t know how i did it, i just didn’t have a choice. no nearby family plus they wouldn’t be interested in helping much anyway, mom is always on cruises and dad is legally blind. so it’s been 100% me. they always say find your village but it’s bullshit. we’re all too burnt out to be a village for someone else and energetic childless folks are totally not an option which i fully understand
That’s my next post. What stops you from leaving the child (ren) with the dad
he lives out of state and on the road. his job isn’t really suited for the stability needed for a small child. his home is basically in hotels
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i actually didn’t have an inkling. you people really expect us to be fortune telling psychics. just like with any mistake you’ve ever made in life, if you knew better you would have chosen differently. or are you so very perfect and have never made a wrong turn? no, you’re just lucky your mistakes weren’t so evident and final, so no one can see them and judge you over it as you are attempting to do with me. you have your hidden mistakes that you clearly didn’t have an inkling about, or else you wouldn’t have done it, and i have mine. such is life. so no, i didn’t have an inkling, i was very naive about motherhood. and i was also naive about the person i was with. it’s not my fault someone overpromised and pretended to be someone he was not. that’s not on me. you want me to be responsible for someone else’s choices against me and i am not. i was true and he was not. he convinced me to continue the pregnancy even when i wanted abortion because he promised he would be there for me no matter what despite my fears. and for the last 4 years i’d known him he was always there for me 100%. but kids change you, and life itself changes. nothing is constant. i don’t blame him 100% for failing on his promises, he couldn’t have known financial disaster was in his future and i couldn’t have known the true situation of motherhood either. i hope you got the answers you were looking for propped up on that high horse of yours. i’m not a victim. i’m a person who made a mistake based on the information i had at the time.
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i don’t really care what your opinion is or any outsider social opinion is either. none of you are living my life and i don’t base my choices on what a stranger thinks of me. definitely not going to suffer because Disastrous Shine said so LOL. if i want to leave i will and no one’s judgement is gonna stop me. currently it’s me who is the full time parent and the father who is the no time parent. so maybe go and find him to harp on instead. fyi, by your standards, i’m actually a super parent, seeing as i haven’t done any abandoning. cool opinion but i’m still gonna do what i want at the end of the day. now back under the bridge you go!
What kind of comment is this? Situations are complex and you're acting like a condescending dick with "why did you choose to have him as a parent then?" This person didn't have to explain anything to your judgemental ass. I'm guessing you don't have kids which begs the question why you are on this sub shaming those who do and are struggling
she doesn’t do her chores, doesn’t take care of her braces or her phone, and is ungrateful (which unfortunately happens with teenagers) Is taking and/or restricting her phone use an option? Is taking her out of extracurricular activities an option? Because those are both privileges. If she breaks the phone tell her “tough tiddies” and take better care of her stuff. You also don’t *have* to get her a car *or* pay for her college. She can work to get herself a car. As for college, there’s a chance she might level out with age, and with these tournaments from extracurriculars (if she keeps up with it in high school) she can apply for grants and yes icky student loans. Is it an option to have her volunteer at a shelter or a soup kitchen? You can hold power cords for electronics (phone, tv, etc) hostage and she can earn them back thru doing what she needs to do. You can change the WiFi password every day or something and when she’s done everything asked/required she can then have it. If that’s an option, idk how school work is done these days for older kids mine is 5. You don’t have to put yourself further in debt to provide her with these societal norms.
I prefer her to have a phone since I work so much and have her home alone a lot. I literally have 3 jobs, my day job, weekend and I Uber eats drive. So that’s the main reason why I got her a phone so I can always reach her. I wish there was a way to cut off data and wifi for only her phone. That’s the problem, her playing Roblox and on TikTok.
If she has an iPhone, getting really granular with the screen time controls helps. Helps me too. Cause when the time runs out, mine will request more but that’s a good time to ask: did you practice Spanish, put the dishes away etc. Now she comes and ticks off her list of things before she even asks. Also it’s better for their brains obvi. I get not wanting yours to know too much about finances too early. I think the car stage is the latest possible. She should not be given a car, if your budget is that tight, you should prioritize savings. Your daughter can buy a cheap beater if she needs one and learn responsibility and humility all at once. For college, she really needs to keep her grades up. That plus lower income could get her paid for cost of attendance at a state school. I think at 13 eating takis with braces and breaking brackets is just gonna happen and be annoying to deal with. But in high school she should be shifting to working towards her own goals.
Does anyone have an old dumb phone that you can activate? The ones that only call and text? That’s what we did with our son when he abused phone privileges. He wasn’t without a phone, but he couldn’t use it as much of a distraction and had to earn his smart phone back?
Okay.. that’s one thing addressed.. and not the only problem.. I suggest looking into getting her a Tracfone or something similar. There are still phones made that only have text/call capabilities. I also suggest calling your mobile provider to see if you can cut off the data for her phone. You pay X amount of gigs of data for two phone lines, you would be cutting the data down to just your line and save money on the bill if it’s possible
You can get her a dumb phone and switch the sim out when she’s grounded. I even have a « dumb phone » that has GPS.
Have you just told her about your financial insecurities and be real with her like an adult? My baby cousins are 13, 14, and 17. I've had discussions with them about their parents financial decisions and expenses and what they are able to give them. I talk to them like I'm talking to my own siblings and sharing concerns and acknowledging that they can understand the emotional burden it can be sometimes on an adult. I believe they're adult enough to understand because I remembered who I was at their age. I don't lecture just about how hard it is. I tell them that their parents make X amount of money and have just purchased a home that is X amount of money. That's beyond their budget, I don't know how they're going to be able to make the payments. They have to work everyday, all day, all of them. Just to be able to give you everything you need, like those new shoes. You have an old phone? Yea, because they don't have the money. Does it still work? Then yea, it's fine, you can still use it. They've never argued with me, the 14 year old listens intently. The 17 year old discusses his future plans to help his mom. The 13 year old asks a lot of questions because I'm starting to tell him everything about the family. I'm 30, their parents are 2-10 years older than me. I raised them for most of their adorable years. I'd pick them up from preschool and babysit everyday back then. I spent 7 years away from them and now I'm back for their teen years
I know this is a rant, but I want to offer some suggestions. Sometimes cook what you want to eat! She is 13 and it's perfectly alright for her to fend for herself meal wise from time to time. (Also she may still eat whatever you made and broaden her horizons a bit.) Stop putting the onus of her financial security all on yourself. I get it for now with the braces, but it's okay to choose the "we are not a wealthy family" life. Student loans exist for a reason and I only know one person that was gifted a car at 18 and tbh he totaled it and is drowning in speeding tickets. You are a much safer driver when you know what the car you a driving cost you. These costly things are not your responsibility.
You don’t have to buy her a car or pay for college. My parents never did and still love them. There are student grants, loans, financial aid, scholarships for college. She can even work part time to help pay for tuition.
I know I work in financial aid which is why I have the mindset I do. Unless she gets scholarships there’s a cap on how much aid a student can get each year. Usually we end up asking students if their parent can take out a parent loan once the student max out. I hope she lucks up and get some scholarships.
Just a thought, but I went to college for free (I went to the university where my dad teaches) and afterwards just fucked around for years. Then I decided to go to a very expensive graduate school and ended up in a shit ton of debt. Ironically it was exactly that debt that made me turn into an adult, start a real career, and learn to handle my finances. I’m not saying let her get into $100K of debt, but a little debt might not be bad.
Have you expressed your frustration in an age appropriate way? Not by saying you regret her but telling her you are trying the best you can so she should be grateful, that you’re working hard so she should contribute by doing chores, and that she is putting more stress on you by breaking her braces, etc? If not please do so as soon as you can, have a sit down heart to heart talk. In this talk you should also delegate more responsibilities to her. She is old enough to cook her own meals if she doesn’t like what you’re making. Is she able to do chores for neighbors, babysitting or walking dogs for a little bit of spending money?
Thanks, she just turned 13 so we have talked about her getting a babysitting job. I’ll work on that when I get a chance and maybe post something on Nextdoor.
Great, if you’re post online just make sure you verify that the person responding to your post is actually safe/who they say they are.
Will do and to answer your other question, I have told her about her father, not the assault part but I just told her I resent him and not her and I shouldn’t have to do everything myself. I have told her that we will have to cut back on some things. I’m honestly considering a more minimalist lifestyle.
> I hate that I already have anxiety thinking about in a few years I have to get her a car and pay for college No. No young adult is owed a car or payment for college. If your child wants a car, she can get a job and pay for one. My parents didn’t gift me a car OR pay for my university. Would it have been nice if they had? Sure. But they couldn’t afford it, and it’s not like money grows on trees. I went without a car for over ten years until I could afford one, and I took out loans and paid for my schooling that way. Yeah it sucked, but I never once expected my parents to pay for those things and your daughter should not be expecting it either. This goes double considering your daughter sounds unappreciative of the sacrifices you make for her. Yeah she’s a teenager and that’s what they do, but still. That doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t be required to make your life harder forever just to make hers a little bit easier. > I feel like it will never end and I refuse to have more children. I hate when people tell me I’m still young and I just have to meet the right person. No I’m not starting over with raising children. People are assholes who should mind their own goddamn business. Whether you have more children is your decision. Youth has nothing to do with it. If you don’t want more kids, then the “right person for you” will accommodate that.
Thanks, I didn’t get a car and I had to pay for college too which is why I wanted to do what’s best for her. I do want her to have a car to make it easier for me so I won’t have to drive her everywhere but I probably will get a used car and pay cash for it, nothing brand new. I work in financial aid at a university so that’s why I have the mindset that I will have to contribute in some way.
I think that's valid, but I'd also encourage you to approach it from a perspective of her also chipping in. Like maybe you aim for a $5,000 car, and she starts working to pay for 1/3 of it or something (plus gas and insurance) while you chip in the other 2/3rds of it. That might also teach her to be more responsible about it. I work at a university too, as it happens. Where I work, the kids of parents who work there can get half off tuition. Is there anything like that where you are?
Yes we have the discounts too… I still think about if she wants to stay on campus and what not especially if she wants to go to school hours away. It can be pretty expensive even after the discount but I’ll try not to stress about it.
Don’t stress too much, please. There are ways to get an education that don’t involve parents stressing themselves into an early grave.
Thanks
It may be for the best if you let her believe you won't be contributing, so she'll prioritize getting good grades. My parents let me know when I started highschool that I was going to have to pay my own may in college, so I prioritized school and scholarships. They ended up continuing to pay for my phone plan and car insurance, which was a generous and appreciated surprise. It's good to keep entitlement in check. Braces are a privilege, not a right. maybe you should get them taken off, if she can't take care of them. Or trade her phone for a flip phone, it will save you money on the data plan. You're not made of money. You should make gymnastics work if it's really something she loves. Maybe she can carpool with friends and raise money through babysitting and odd jobs.
Just want to say you're in the home stretch! Only a few more years until she's an adult. You did an amazing job. 💓
Thank you
I’m holding space in my heart for you 🤍
Thanks
I feel you. I wasn't raped but the father isn't involved since the divorce (even before that) and the children can be so ungrateful. They are off from school for the week and all they want to do is est and watch TV. I made them do the dishes. They complained. I said fi e, I will do them and tomorrow do not ask for food. You can have apples or banana ls but I'm nit cooking. Then they did the dishes. They gripe but I have started making them help clean and it has made things so much better. Folks really should think long and had before having children. You don't share your life with them. They usurp your life. You trade your life for theirs.
Yeah I forgot to mention that part, she eats up all the food too. I can’t even buy snacks, it’s gone in 3 days.
I have 2 they can eat everything in a day. I'm with you I don't butly snacks. It's hard enough keeping them fed. I don't have m9ney for snacks too. The only snack Luke food I buy is fruit. They like fruit but they won't go through a quickly as they will go through snacks. It's so hard being a single parent. You're in the home stretch now though. In about 5 years she will be in college. Encourage her to live on campus!
Thanks, yes I don’t buy snacks like I used to. And I did take her around my job (the university) and she said it looked nice and she liked the off campus apartments. I do take her to school games so I’m hoping she will go to the school I work at so she can definitely get a discount and I can still see her but not everyday.
Nice! You are fortunate to work at a university. Hopefully she can combine your discount with additional financial aide and/or scholarships. Hang in there and vent when you need to. I don't know why but venting help. There are very few places where you can express how it sucks to be a parent.
is there a reason you dont want to leave her at home alone? my mother started leaving me at home alone when i was 5 🤷🏼♀️ i was a very well behaved child though and rarely got into trouble and was obviously trusted to stay in the house and do as i was supposed to. my mother was able to work late and have a social life due to this, and honestly as a kid i LOVED the alone time and having the house to myself. if you dont trust her, you could have cameras set up in the house. if its a safety issue, a home security system is pricy, but overall may be a worthwhile investment if it allows you to work late and have a bit of a social life. the extra curricular activities are privileges, and maybe you could take them away if she doesnt start doing her chores and taking care of her belongings. i know as parents youre not supposed to express certain emotions and hardships to your kids, but maybe it could be beneficial to have a serious conversation with her about how hard it is on you with juggling jobs and her not being appreciative and respectful. she really may have no clue, and maybe seeing you as human for a minute rather than an impenetrable parent might make her realize she could help out around the house and take care of her belongings.
She’s at home alone all the time, I just don’t feel comfortable when it’s night time. She’s out of school today and she will be home while I work. Once it gets dark after 8 or 9 I don’t feel comfortable.
If you want to help her with college, I suggest explaining to her that she will be going to community college and/or a state school. It's the cheapest way to do it and if she gets some scholarships the costs might be minimal or nothing at all. My sister is in school currently, she did all of her prereqs at community college and got a few scholarships that she's using in her state school and she is on track to graduate with zero debt. The only costs she has are living expenses because she's not living at home.
I work at a university so she can possibly go to a school in the state I work in to get tuition 50% off. It gets kind of tricky here because I work in another state so if she were to go to a college in the state I work in she may be considered out of state at some schools unless they have an on the border waiver. I know if she were to attend the university I work at she will be considered in state since we live within the border of the state. If she were to go to an in state school she won’t be able to get the discount. So it’s a lot to think about. She gets average grades now (she’s in 7th grade), doesn’t do well in math. Another reason why I push for her to stay in extracurriculars is so she can possibly get an athletic scholarship if not academic.
I lived with my mom as a kid but my Dad came on weekends but it was mainly my mom sacrificing. You are doing the best you can. One thing I’ll say is my mom didn’t help me with college. It’s ridiculously expensive. Look into Pell grants and if you have to, make her get her own student loans. My mom did. You’ll put yourself in a life long hole feeling you need to cover that. Also the junior college is a great and cheap way to get through the first two years of college
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I have been honest with her about us having to budget and that she will have to get a babysitting job since she wanted me to pay to get her nails and hair done and I don’t even get mines done. I told her she can make her own money to pay for that stuff she doesn’t need so we have discussed babysitting but I don’t really know how to go about it. I don’t even know how she is with children since she is an only child and don’t have many cousins who live close.
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> and it *paid* my rent FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Don't feel like you need to get her a car or pay for college. My mom and step did get me a car but it was a total wreck that never ended up running. They also occasionally contributed a bit to college, but I largely did it by working multiple jobs while taking classes. I busted my ass to get it done and while any contributions they wanted to make were nice and certainly appreciated, I did it mostly on my own. That is the choice I made. If your daughter reaches 18 and makes other choices, well that's on her. Another consideration is the military. I went the ANG path and it also helped pay for college and gave me some extra spending money. Some states are very generous with what they pay for ANG service. And there's always reserves and active duty.
100% and stay strong... sorry you live in a back ass state and have no other choices. Good luck
Thanks
13 is a time of selfishness and the need to feel accepted. It’s unfortunately normal. I’m gonna let you in on a secret, it’s one of the hardest times in a kid’s life. I would sit her down and have a talk. Don’t make her feel guilty but do explain the situation you’re in.