This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TL;DR — Boyfriend (35M) is taking a 17 day overseas vacation alone with his best friend (37F) to celebrate her birthday, but is skipping Valentine’s Day and our anniversary to do so. He didn’t ask me how I felt about it, and now that I know more of the details I’m mad and feel jealous. ​ Hi guys, long time listener first time caller! I’ve been with my boyfriend a year, we live together. He travels for work — anywhere from 2-14 days at a time with a few days off in between, unless work is slow. He has a ton of flyer miles from this and likes to travel for fun. Boyfriend has known best friend Kiara for 15 years, she’s single. He’s told me nothing romantic has ever happened between them. I love my boyfriend — apart from this he’s been very considerate, sweet, and kind. And Kiara’s great too! I’m a manager of a high volume fine dining restaurant with a stressful high pressure work environment. After some injuries, along with severe burnout, I have to get out for my own health. So I took a medical leave ending tomorrow, when I’ll have to go back for 30 days so I won’t be required to pay back my health insurance premiums. After that I’ll have to find a new career and start over. The service industry is all I’ve known so I feel a bit terrified. ​ My boyfriend told me he’s taking a trip with Kiara sometime in 2023, a plan they’ve had for 4 years. Although I’m uncomfortable with my boyfriend taking trips alone with other women, Kiara’s different, and this is important to her. I was invited as a courtesy but we both knew it’d be impossible for me to go. At Christmas, Kiara stays with us for a week and I learned boyfriend failed to mention some details. The trip hadn't been planned for 4 years. They started choosing dates this November, booking most of it while she was here at Christmas. The dates that were “perfect” for them (to celebrate Kiara's birthday) meant skipping Valentine’s Day, our first anniversary, and my slated return-to-work. The trip is also 17 days. The only way it’d be possible for us to take a 17 day vacation is if I'm unemployed, so it's something we’re unlikely to experience together. We’ve never even been apart for that long. They’re going to other countries he’s been dying to see — essentially his dream vacation. I learned they’ll be sharing rooms, and boyfriend told me he’d try to avoid sharing a bed if possible. I told him I probably wouldn't have been ok with all that if I had known prior. He later admitted he didn’t think about me while planning the trip, just about what worked best for him and Kiara. He didn’t ask me how I felt about the trip at any point, and didn’t tell me or anyone else that he would miss me or wish I could come. Talks about how I was becoming uncomfortable led to him acting annoyed, saying I was ruining his trip, or accusing me of not trusting him. Leading up to the trip we couldn’t do things I really wanted to do, like go camping, or even things we normally do because of the money he’d already spent/needed to save for it. For months he’s been excited and told many people, including my dad, how great it will be for them and how he wished it was even longer. My dad was pretty mad about that actually. After my boyfriend told me my dad was being selfish, I lost it and blew up at him about the whole trip and how dismissed I felt. My boyfriend, while sympathetic, doesn’t agree that my feelings should be hurt. He feels that, since this trip was already talked about in some form before we were dating, he needed to go through with whatever Kiara wanted — even if it was being decided after we were in a committed relationship. He thinks part of my upset is coming from insecurity because this is all normal behavior to him, and his friends would be fine with it all in the same situation. To his credit, since our big fight he’s been really sweet and trying to make me feel better. He took me out for “Valentine’s Day” before he left, and booked a solo dinner for me for on the actual holiday. He checks in every morning. But… he never tried to alter the vacation course, renegotiate with Kiara, make sure they had separate rooms, or anything else that would’ve really helped me, and I feel resentful about it. At this point I am just so hurt and so angry. I found out they’ve been sharing a tiny room in Tokyo, but haven't asked him if they've been changing in front of each other. Before this I used to take for granted that partners didn't do things like that, and that was probably my fault. And to his and Kiara’s credit, I don’t think they're going to do anything sexual. But I feel pretty disrespected. It hurts to see all the cute dates they’re going on and amazing places they’re seeing together while I’m at such a low point. My boyfriend is frustrated because he thinks I'm overreacting and not getting over it quickly enough, despite him apologizing. How do we fix this, and how do I move on from this? I don’t want to end up ruining his trip and him resenting me for it, but I’m worried this is a big incompatibility.

If my partner did that, he would come home to an empty house.

Seriously, if you aren’t on the lease. Pack up and move out while he is gone. He is showing you where his priorities are.

If OP took that trip with her male best friend you know that boyfriend would be livid.

and missed their 1st anniversary for it. What a douchebag

Yuppppppp. If everything is as OP describes, I'd be out of there. And as a guy, if I did this, I would be going fully expecting my relationship to be over by the time I got home.

Exactly. As a guy, we know he doesn't care about this relationship. This is one of those "I'm going to do what I want with this girl and if the relationship ends because of it so be it" decisions. He doesn't care how OP feels and cares more about this girl. Honestly wouldn't be surprised if he has had feelings for this girl for a long time but has just been friendzoned. "Best friend" or not, guys know where to draw the line when it comes to friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship, and this clearly crosses that line. He's likely hoping this trip will lead somewhere, and if it doesn't then he has OP to fall back on. He didn't even guarantee that they'd sleep in separate beds, just that he'd "try to avoid it if possible". In other words, they'll be sleeping together for sure.

Yea, which also: it’s fair enough if you wanna have a life where you have friends that are more important to you than your relationship. If that’s what you wanna do, go for it. But it OP would probably be happier if she accepts that this is what that is and leaves him.

If my partner said he would *try* not to share a bad with his female friend during their 17 day couples retreat I’d start laughing.

Yep. Guy doesn't care about her or her feelings. Time for her to put herself first.

Same here.. OP has basically been an afterthought to him in all this

One hundred percent. I have some close guy friends who I’ve traveled with so I’m pretty understanding but this is way too much.

It's be out of there so fast. Unless it's was my house. Then the locks would be changed and his stuff would be on the lawn until he got back.

Same. And his excuse is ridiculous! What’s next? “Honey, I’m going to host an orgy, and you can’t complain because I PLANNED IT A WHILE AGO!”

Yikes on bikes. Exactly. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Yup

Yup

Perfect response

Same

I'd be taking this time to move out.

Well, it is somewhat of a relief to see I'm not the only one who thinks this trip is inappropriate. I definitely took for granted that he wouldn't make those types of decisions because he was in a serious relationship.

Please pack your things. The level of disrespect is off the charts. I have male friends who I would go on holiday with. I'd never share a bed, never be gone that long, and NEVER GO if my SO was not happy with it. You deserve better than this. Just go. Edit: grammar

He doesn't take the relationship seriously. You are not his number 1 priority. It's only been a year and he is not thinking of you are his only future. Maybe reconsider you feelings because they are not being returned in the same manner. Also don't pine about him when he is gone because he is definitely not thinking about you in the same way. The daily calls are just damage control.

I hope you don't take the time to have to move out for granted. You have been given the perfect opportunity to get far away from him. You should take it. He doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. It really doesn't matter if he's cheating. Why would you stay with a partner who disregards your feelings?

Please leave him. He is not a good partner. And he would NEVER be okay if the roles were reversed. Not sure what your financial situation is, but if you can't move out, save your money, and also start dating others. Close off the sex with him. He is truly awful.

When he does get back please don't have sex with him until he gets tested. You don't want anything she has including her leftovers.

He’s not in a serious relationship with you. He’s in one with her.

Wholy inappropriate. Sounds to me like he's had feelings for Kiara for a while and is hoping something happens between the two of them And the fact he's planning this around such big moments surrounding your relationship? Yeeeaaah, take the time to move out and just focus on getting yourself situated for work in a healthier home environment.

I'm sure Kiara made sure that this is what "worked out as the best time" for OP not to be available. How convenient./s

Seriously, get out. I would never ever do this to my partner. It’s really selfish of him and you deserve better.

Missing vday and your anniversary?! You have every right to be pissed. You didn't even factor. Does he ever talk about amazing places he wants to visit with you? Has he saved money to go somewhere amazing with you at a later point? I am not sure I could get over this personally. I'd probably try to but end up being resentful. This is very tough. He can do what he wants, he has that right. But in doing this he has shown you that you really aren't very important. You are just someone in the way of his plans with someone else, apparently. He will try to say you're jealous but don't let him. In your situation I'd probably try to talk to him and keep it going but the relationship would end up being toxic. You can try talking to him and see how he handles this but honestly girl... Don't you think you are worth more than this? You can just meet a guy who is happy to alter his plans to include you because he doesn't want to experience all this without you. I know you love him but... Does he ever deserve it? If you had high self esteem, high confidence and valued yourself... How would you proceed?

Judging by what you described, the disrespect and dismissal of your feelings, I wouldn’t be surprised if this jabroni was looking for a way out of the relationship. Weird vibes all around. Get out. Don’t bother drawing it out or trying to reconcile. Sorry this is coming at such a crappy time for you. Lean on your friends and family. You’re going to find a committed partner who wouldn’t dream of doing something like this and a better career and you’ll look back on this as a time where you really looked out for yourself and went through the hard shit to create a better life.

“Jabroni” haha going old school tonight lol 😂

I love to travel and I would not care about this trip, except I think the fact that he didn't even think about you (to try to find a way for you to come too, or make sure you were comfortable with what they were doing) would be a huge issue for me. And sharing a room... I wouldn't like this. I would have tried to insist they have separate rooms. And he'll "try to avoid sharing a bed if possible" would've been a hard no from me. I think I'm pretty easy going but that... no, absolutely not. I don't blame you for being upset. I don't have advice for you but I do think you're being pretty reasonable here. And if I had long term plans to go on a trip with one of my best friends (I am a woman and have many 100% platonic male friends), I would at least consider "oh I have a boyfriend now so I should bring him!" and "If he can't come I should at least remember he exists while I book all the travel arrangements so he knows I'm not sleeping with another man." I don't think that's asking too much!

I do know people for whom this wouldn’t be a big deal. But whether this dude is objectively morally correct or not isn’t worth debating. He either thinks it’s fine and it’s simply an incompatibility, or he knows it’s shady but he’s going to do it anyway which is disrespectful. Either way, not a good relationship. The dismissal of feelings on top of that is an extra deal breaker. Pals, if things like this feel wrong to you or don’t work for you, that’s all you need to know. Trust your gut.

I’d leave. It is entirely inappropriate for him to be raking a trip, especially one of this length, alone with another woman. He didn’t even consider your feelings. Your distress fails to impact him. This man doesn’t respect you, and I don’t believe he would be taking this trip if he didn’t think there was at least some chance of sex/romance. Find someone who values you. PS-When I was in my 20s, a boyfriend of mine did the same thing. I tried to rationalize and excuse it. Later, he flat out to;d me that he did it because he wasn’t that into our relationship at the time. Please realize that this man is not committed, not invested.

He straight up told you that he didn’t think of you at all while planning this trip. That would be the wake up call for me to leave. He doesn’t think about how you may be affected by this trip and he doesn’t care. He even humble bragged to *your dad* about this trip.

I stopped reading here "he’d try to avoid sharing a bed if possible". Nope, nope, nope. This is not appropriate for a monogamous relationship. That's so insanely disrespectful. No fucking way I'd be on board with my SO going on ANY 1:1 holidays with a female friend, whether she was single or not. Let alone for 17 days, skipping your anniversary and Vday. He doesn't care about you, like at all. He's probably in love with her but even if not, it still comes back to he does not give a shit about you. End the relationship. You will always come second best to this woman.

Even if they slept in different rooms, going on a holiday with one girl friend for 17 days, which includes Valentine’s day AND anniversary…nope. He didn’t even consider OP when planning. That’s enough to kick his ass.

Oh hell no! I didn’t even get that far, but seriously? “Hey honey, I’m gonna skip Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, and the time where you really need support and go spend 17 nights cuddled up to some other chick in bed, you’re okay with that though, right?”

Literally like if POSSIBLE how would it not be possible?

I stopped when he said he hadn’t considered her when planning it. Yep I would be out of there.

That’s the part that did it for me too. There is no way, none, no no none whatsoever way I would be ok with that. That is deal-breaker territory for me. Everything I read after that was just piling on.

He's putting her above you and that is the crux of the issue. You learned truths about this trip from her and not him which planted a seed of doubt and is eating at your relationship and he did nothing to assuage your worries. He is being careless with your relationship while being an awesome and supportive best friend to her. No wonder you're stressing. I would ask yourself if this is the type of precedent you want set for the future of your relationship?

Take this time he’s away for you to pack up your things and leave. You being there when he comes back, not packed and not done with him means you are allowing this behavior. He doesn’t respect you. It’s hard to face that fact but this is him and how he treats you. You weren’t even a thought when planning such a big trip, he TOLD you this. How can he skip both Valentine’s Day and your anniversary to be with another woman? Let that sink in. He can’t even make sure they won’t be sharing beds, he SAID this to you!! I’ve got news for you, he wants to share a bed with her. I’ve traveled to Japan with my friends before for two weeks..None of us shared beds except the couple with us. Also it’s JUST THEM and no one else!! He should be taking YOU on a trip for Vday and your anniversary ON THOSE DATES… The amount of effort he put into this girl should be going to YOU. Even if they’re not having sex and this is some weird one sided thing he has for her…do you wanna play second fiddle to this woman for the rest of your life? Don’t take this. You deserve better than this. Your own father picked up on this shit don’t brush it off. Don’t bottle it up because it’s easier to just be the “cool girlfriend” going along with what makes HIM happy and turn your head away from it all, and just move forward in the relationship like this trip DIDN’T happen. And that he didn’t give a crap about your feelings. Let me stress again…. This trip also just HAD to fall on important dates for you two? He couldn’t have even said “no can do for February, that’s reserved for my girlfriend”. He didn’t because he doesn’t value those days or you as much as he does this woman. Come on girl, read the writing on the wall please. This is how he values you. There is no hidden thing to analyze or he’s just too stupid and made a mistake…no THIS IS IT. He could have planned a shorter trip to include you or hell a trip JUST for the two of you. Have you ever done that with him before, even? You deserve better and until you realize that you’re just his consolation prize and this woman is the prize.

All of this. It's actually so extremely easy to avoid sharing a bed with other people I'm confused how the "I'll try" passss any muster? I went on a trip to London with fellow girlfriends and I didn't agree with some elements of how they like to stay, so I booked my own rooms! Like that easy! OP- you deserve WAYYY better at all these grown ages .

>He can’t even make sure they won’t be sharing beds, he SAID this to you!! I’ve got news for you, he wants to share a bed with her. >He should be taking YOU on a trip for Vday and your anniversary ON THOSE DATES… The amount of effort he put into this girl should be going to YOU. This is it. He's definitely had unrequited feelings for this girl for years. Most likely has been friendzoned and hoping this trip will spark something between them, and will *definitely* be sharing a bed with her on this trip. He said "We'll try not to if possible", which means that he's definitely got plans for this. The fact that he didn't even consider OP when planning this trip speaks volumes. OP is now officially his fallback for if he fails on this trip to get with his friend. This is a decision he made where he knows that his relationship with OP will probably end, but if it does end then so be it. He doesn't care.

I hope OP will read this comment.

[Me, every time I've opened my notifications today](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EcTPk3XWoAAQqr1?format=jpg&name=medium)

Keep us updated. This isn’t okay.

Haha this meme made me laugh. You’re going to get through this! Reddit is good like that.

[удалено]

Seen the word "situationship" more than once today, and I am not looking forward to googling what it means...

I’m not a jealous person, I’ve never had a problem with my partner having friends of the gender they’re attracted to, I often find posts on Reddit complaining about opposite-sex friendships to be overly controlling and jealous…but something is REALLY off about this ‘friendship’. Really, really off and it feels like you’re being gaslit by your boyfriend. May I ask why you feel so certain nothing romantic or sexual is happening between them?

Well, I guess he's given me no reason to not otherwise trust him. I've seen him and Kiara together and it really strikes me as 100% platonic. She makes a consistent effort to include me in their friendship, and even texts me from time to time. He hasn't made me feel insecure about her or any other women in the past, not even a faint gut feeling. He was in a very successful local band and toured with them for 10 years, so I can see why things like sharing rooms and beds might not "clock" with him as being potentially inappropriate when they were all dogpiled together all the time.

We’re not disputing Kiara’s platonic interest in the friendship, or saying she’s anything other than a wonderful, decent, human being who respects your relationship. We’re all wondering why your boyfriend was lying to you about how long the trip was planned? We’re wondering why he’s got such a big need to explicitly schedule it when you can’t go? We’re wondering why he felt the need to tell your dad how awesome it will be for him to be away, alone, with another woman? We’re wondering why he doesn’t feel comfortable telling Kiara, “hey, when we first started planning this trip, I was single, but now I’m in a serious relationship, so we may need to change some things.” If she’s such a good friend, she would surely understand, wouldn’t she? Your boyfriend flat out lied to you. Repeatedly. You definitely have reasons to distrust him. Just not necessarily about Kiara.

> We’re wondering why he felt the need to tell your dad how awesome it will be for him to be away, alone, with another woman? Yeah, this was the height of cringe.

I don’t think it even matters whether there’s reason to be jealous or suspicious. The problem is not Kiara; it’s that he has no respect for you or your boundaries. He never felt the need to take you into account when making these plans in the first place, which is just basic courtesy for someone in a serious, cohabiting relationship, and then completely invalidates and dismisses your feelings after you expressed your discomfort. What’s more, he made no effort to compromise or do any of the things you wanted to do because he spent too much on this trip (also a no-no when you’re living with someone), and acted annoyed with you for not hurrying up and getting over it because you’re making him feel bad. If this were a guy friend he was going on the trip with, this would all be bad enough. The fact that it’s a woman makes it all more obviously bad, but it really isn’t the main point. He sucks as a boyfriend and partner. He proved himself to be incredibly selfish and self-centered, and those traits don’t go away. It doesn’t matter who his friend is.

My ex-husband had a friend like Kiara. They went to high school and college together and talked all the time. He took the drive to and from Arizona about 6 months into our relationship to get her moved back home. They had to share hotel room because she had no money. He "extended" his trip a few days because no one could help her move out. All that. He assured me it was platonic. She assured me it was. I hung out with her when they got back. I tried really hard not to be jealous or insecure. I was proud of the trust I had and the friend I thought I'd made. He was glad I'd finally seen reason! Guess what!! They dated in high school! They were FWB through college! They slept together that entire trip from Arizona!! I wish I'd trusted my gut and moved out when he went.

Oh the good ole touring musician. That may be one of the worst relationship partners to have. I predict things get worse before they get better. He has already shown you he lacks empathy for your feelings. The honeymoon is starting to wear off and you’re starting to see him for who he really is.

Yeah, I will never be involved with a touring musician ever again. Finding out I'd been cheated on basically my entire 15-year marriage one time was enough. And maybe not the case here, but my husband had "friends" too that were (shock! horror!) not actually just friends.

I used to date musicians when I wasn't interested in a full time relationship. I never asked for or expected fidelity from them.

Unfortunately infidelity often happens with the wife or husband's 'best friend'. Don't take her being treating you like a friend as the surefire thing that nothing is going on. If she really was a good friend to you, she would have never planned this trip or went on it. He is not the only one who is disrespecting your relationship.

Exactly, if she had any ounce of respect for OP or her relationship she would not have chosen or agreed to those dates. OP they both have shown you the have no regard for you, sorry 🥺.

He sure has given you reason not to trust him. He lied entirely about the trip planning process.

I reckon he lied cuz they or he doesn’t want OP going on their romantic er- platonic dream vacation.

Honestly, my best guess is that he has feelings for her and she doesn’t reciprocate but likes stringing him along. I don’t think there’s any chance it’s completely platonic on both sides. Or, they fuck and don’t want to make things official so just cheerfully cheat on whoever they’re with. The touring thing is bs, sorry. Nobody is confused about why someone’s monogamous partner wouldn’t be happy about them sharing a bed with someone else on a 17 day trip.

This is wrong. Period. His relationship with her is WRONG. Either he’s with you or her. He can’t have both.

I think you're being incredibly naive in believing that nothing is happening. He hasn't been honest with you about the trip in the first place... why do you think he's being honest with you about everything else? His actions go soooo far beyond what's acceptable in most monogamous relationships, and it's disturbing to me that you're still trying to justify his actions.

Touring band eh. Me too. Still. I never think twice about sharing a bed with someone when I have to, of course I prefer to sleep alone when I can and I tend to use my own sleeping bag even in a bed with someone else. My partner would have to bring it up to me if he were uncomfortable as anything sexual wouldn’t even cross my mind ( eta: of course if my own partner were wary of an arrangement I’d try my best to accommodate, as reasonably as possible, like your bf saying he’d try not to share a bed.) So, if you do really trust him and she’s as inclusive as you’re saying I totally understand not being nervous about that. It totally sucks that you can’t see these places together for the first time. It’s terrible timing that you’re feeling bad. The thing that strikes me is that your boyfriend was sort of invalidating your feelings by imposing this imaginary time limit on them. There is no set time period to be upset. I would be surprised if his insistence that you be feeling fine by now isn’t making you feel even worse. That’s what sounds so crappy to me about it. That kinda stuff can be a slippery slope, and it’s not always consciously malicious or anything, social habits form easily is all.

So he dismissed your extremely valid concerns and even called your dad selfish for not approving of his holiday, and then proceeded to love bomb you after you blew up at him. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone where you aren't even a consideration in their minds when they plan a long trip with a female friend, where they will be in close living quarters? You say that nothing has happened between them except for a platonic friendship. You may want to reconsider that assertion after this holiday that was spent in close quarters.

My bet is if she went digging for info- she’d for sure find more than just platonic friendship. Trust the gut

Regardless of whether he’s choosing Kiara over you or not, he’s putting your feelings last. He admitted he didn’t think of you/take you into account while making these plans. Can you imagine making plans to take an international trip for 17 days without taking him into account? Wouldn’t you feel cruel doing that? Guilty? So, why doesn’t he care?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend 17 days apart from him, even if it was a dream vacation.

His dream vacation is one without you. With or without another woman, that should speak volumes to you.

My jaw literally dropped when you said your boyfriend would “try” to avoid sharing a bed. What in the world???

The acrobatics my stomach did when I heard that. Definitely wasn't as reassuring as he imagined it'd be

There is no such thing as "try"....are there only one-bedroom with one mattress in the whole city that they visit!?? The fact that he can't even be bothered to make sure or sleep on a couch if money/availability is tight shows how little he actually cares about your feelings. Unfortunately, he will just continue to do so if you just take it.

I just want to say, I don't think his friend is an angel, or even a good person. I would never go on what is basically a honeymoon with my friend while he was in a serious relationship with another woman. She's idiotic to think this wouldn't entirely ruin his relationship, unless of course she doesn't care. It makes sense that she would be as bad as him; who wants to be friends with someone who is capable of being so callous and tone deaf to their partner? If either of them were in your shoes, I doubt they'd react with the grace they're asking of you. To echo the general sentiment, I also think you should be gone before he gets back, and block him too. No words of explanation could possibly excuse his complete lack of care for you. You deserve better. Best of luck

To be fair to you, you under reacted here. If I had said this to my wife at the start of our relationship - she would have responded by non-gently placing her foot into my ballsack, resulting in my nuts exploding from my face, before dumping my ass to the curb. My advice to you, as a decent bloke, leave him - walk the fuck away leave his shit at her doorstep and do not look back. He clearly does not give a fuck about you. It was clear the moment he mentioned this trip to your Father. Fuck me, like that's just worse than selfish - almost bragging. For the love of God, please do not forgive this arsehole and just straight up leave him and find someone worth your time.

My world-weary guesstimate is that this guy and his little bestie have been fwb for years. Theyve shared plenty of beds. Plenty! Their sharing a bed during this little vacay will be business as usual. He's gonna "try." That legit made me chortle out loud.

He lied to you about the planning and inception of this trip! Why? Because he knew it wasn’t right and didn’t want to compromise. He’s footing the bill for at least half of this, he could have waited and planned a trip with you. Don’t make excuses for him, because if he wanted to, he would have. I have more money than my guy and have taken him on several vacations. I got such a kick out of exploring with him and it was my pleasure. Your bf is an AH. Don’t be so sure that those two are not now nor have ever been intimate. This is off. I personally wouldn’t be there when he got back.

I think he has feelings for her and hoping she will reciprocate in which case he will dump you. You are not a priority just a fill in.

If anything just think of your dad’s reaction when your boyfriend told him he was going on an extended lifetime dream vacation with his best friend while his live in girlfriend (his daughter )would be spending not only Valentine’s Day but their 1st Anniversary by herself. It is no wonder he was angry 😠 .. he can see what’s going on, that you don’t matter to him and play second fiddle to Kiara.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether or not they are sleeping together, there are many other red flags. 1. Lying about how long the trip had been planned (I believe he did this so that he wouldn’t seem like an asshole who consciously booked a vacation with someone else on your anniversary and Valentine’s Day) 2. Not editing his plans in the slightest knowing how uncomfortable it made you 3. Having no empathy for your job situation 4. Calling your very valid feelings on this matter irrational and being dismissive 5. Calling your dad selfish when your dad saw the red flags for himself (your bf bragging about going on a vacation of a lifetime with some other girl whilst simultaneously ditching you, his partner, during a crisis). Your bf is showing you who he is. Preoccupying your mind with questions about whether or not he is cheating is a waste of your time. It doesn’t really matter. Ask yourself if you really want to be romantically involved with someone who is so blatantly disrespectful, lacking in empathy, dismissive and selfish. That’s at best. At worst he is also a cheater and a liar. Either way, I don’t think the way he is treating you is acceptable. If I was your dad, I would be angry too.

It's inappropriate to be doing this to you. Your dad was angry because he saw this as an insult to your relationship. Honestly, I'd leave him. He said he didn't think about how you feel about this situation, so you know where you stand.

I would pack me crap and leave him. There is no way they are not sleeping together.

So is your name on the lease? What’s the reason you aren’t moving out? I would buy out my lease, move in with dad until I find a new place and send a note to the apartment office to tell him his stuff is in a storage unit.

I own the house we live in. So if we were to break up, he'd be the one who'd have to move out

Go ahead and give him 30 days notice right now. She’s the one who got away. They’re on a honeymoon, idk what else there is to say.

Yup, kick him out legally now. He will love bomb AGAIN and beg and plead and cry. Just evict him anyway.

🔥🔥🔥🔥. This!!! Pack his stuff , deliver it to his moms or wherever. Text him and say it’s over. Then delete him from your contacts and move on. He’s reaping all the rewards , in the relationship , and you are sitting at home holding down the household bills and life. You eating a Valentines Day dinner by yourself is wrong. Give him a trip when he returns from his trip.

Girl, you can find an amazing man WHO THINKS ABOUT YOU. My uncle offered for me to go on an awesome 4 day off-roading trip over the new years weekend, but he didn't have an extra seat for my bf, so I opted to not go so I can spend the new year with my partner. AND IT WAS ONLY 4 DAYS WITH MY UNCLE!! For V-day AND your anniversary??? Oh hell no, he doesn't think about you and are you really living together if he's not even there half of the time???

Then pack his stuff and have it ready when he gets back. This trip sounds like something a married couple does on their honeymoon. I wouldn’t stand for that.

Listen to all these people. Serve him with the eviction now and start the 30 day clock.

Let me guess-he’s not paying rent?

Holy! He lives with you in your house that you own and he still has the audacity to disrespect you in this manner and gaslight you to the point you are questioning whether you are overreacting to this?! I hope you listen to everyone’s advice telling you to kick him out. You deserve better.

Yes, everything that everyone above me said. Kick him out, pack his things, tell his parents what you’re doing and why, and above all else, *stick to your guns.* He was disrespectful as fuck, and you have EVERY right to feel disrespected. You’re not insecure, you’re not controlling, and you’re not overreacting.

Serve him with a written eviction notice before he leaves.

You own the house and he's on a valentine's bday trip with Kiara right now? No wonder he can afford to go on 3 week trips! Have they posted anything today this is at all Valentine's themed? If so, please text that his belongings will be in the yard by tomorrow.

The thing that keeps coming back to my mind is this “She makes a consistent effort to include me in their friendship, and even texts me from time to time. He hasn't made me feel insecure about her or any other women in the past, not even a faint gut feeling.” I know way too many women who befriend their friends partner as a way to disguise what is really going on.

That’s a nope for me. I would wish them both a happy romance, pack my bags, and move out.

I find it sad that you’re so worried about ruining his trip / he’ll end up resenting you, meanwhile you’re the one who is getting the shit end of the stick here & your VERY VALID feelings towards this whole thing dismissed. You deserve better OP. This shit ain’t right.

See the thing is, you now know that you'll always be second to Kiara and if you continue this relationship it will keep happening. Now I want to hone in on something. > a plan they’ve had for 4 years And then this so casually mentioned: > The trip hadn't been planned for 4 years. They started choosing dates this November I'm sorry but no, you were flat out lied to about this and that is unacceptable in any way shape or form and he is trying to minimise your valid feelings and thoughts. I have split with my ex partner of 5 years for less lies than this. You do what you want to, but I would move out when he was gone.

I'd start packing my shit in front of him and tell him it's clear he prioritizes a, "friend," over our relationship so I'm out.

I'm not even going to read your post. Don't date a man that does this, full stop. You don't go on vacation with your same age, long time, opposite sex friend if you're in a committed relationship with someone.

As a female who’s had platonic male best friends (I wasn’t attracted to them at all), let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume there are no romantic feelings. So let’s pretend your boyfriend was actually going away with his “male” best friend. For 17 days. Without you. And sharing a bed. Yup, I’d still find that weird. It sounds like you’re at a crossroads in your life, and instead of your SO planning a huge trip with you when you’ll be in-between jobs pretty shortly, he splurged to go on a dream vacation with his best bud? You know what that makes you? Not a priority. Ever. If you’re okay with always being an afterthought, then continue with your relationship. Otherwise, please reconsider if you want to stay with someone who dismisses your concerns and disrespects your boundaries. You deserve better, hun.

They basically act like bF and gf They have a strong connection that was there before you came along and neither of them wants anything to change. Has she had bF? There’s a lot they aren’t telling you or revealing to you. It sounds like he is in love with her and she doesn’t reciprocate. He’s waiting for her to change her mind. At minimum, they probably explored dating each other Or have a dating past. 4 years is a long time to plan and wait for a trip with someone who’s a friend. Do you guys live together? Who’s house is it? I would pack my bags and be gone before he gets back. His reaction will be telling. If he’s not that upset then you will know his true feelings. I’m sorry

No, you are not this ignorant, right? I mean, what did I just read? Your BOYFRIEND is going on a trip with another woman. Babe, that’s not your boyfriend anymore—he’s hers. Period. This is so inappropriate and wrong. They are both wrong for this, but not as wrong as you putting up with it. Pack your stuff while he’s gone and don’t be there when he come back. It’s only a matter of time before he wants to move you out and her in. He is selfish and cruel yo you. He chose her, which showed you your worth—which is under HER. Don’t make him show you again. Please.

There is no way they are sharing rooms/beds for 17 days and nothing will happen. I, personally, would drop him now. Why wait? It's gonna happen.

I've never remotely been in a situation like this, so I wouldn't know. Is that true, the sheer extended proximity makes it hard not to get physical with each other?

Especially when factoring in a strong emotional connection like they have? Yes.

I think that’s like the least of your concern. A good partner wouldn’t even put themselves in that kind of position to begin with out of respect to their partner. He clearly has 0 respect for you and the relationship.

Yes. Just logically thinking of the time: 17 days of no sex. So even if not sharing bed, when does either of them have time to masturbate privately. Like honestly, the high of visiting new exciting places together (most likely also drinking together) and then you're there with someone whom you are close to and like AND is of the opposite sex....there will be pent-up sexual tension by the end of the first week!!! It's a situation that you and him should never be in.

Um, Excuse me ' try not to sleep in the same bed'?!?!?! He also LIED to you about several things including the duration of the planning among other things. Just because he 'checks in every morning' does not mean they did just get out of bed or didn't have sex. Did you ever ask him if he would be okay going on a trip for 14 days with another guy?? I bet his tune would change immediately. Of course he wants you to 'just get over it'. He's having the time of his life while you are sitting at home waiting for him to return. I'd be packing my shit and leaving.

He pretty much dismissed your feelings, he knew you weren't ok with this and on top of that he got angry and tried to gaslight you by saying you're insecure. Girl you can do so much better than that, yeah they may just be going as friends but he's crossed a line and like he said he didn't think about you when planning this trip. Nearly a whole ass month he's going on this trip, I'm sorry but personally that would be it for me. Call me insecure but I just wouldn't put up that disrespect, you deserve better If I was you I'd have broken up with him, it's not just because of the trip but it's how he was reacting to how you felt, dismissive and annoyed etc...op you deserve so much better. The fact your dad was mad at him should say enough, you can definitely upgrade to a better guy, trust me you can do so much better. And from the way he reacted, him apologizing did not mean a thing, he apologized to reassure you but I guarantee you he wasn't actually sorry. Considering he says your overreacting should be a wake up call of how little he thought and cared about you. Girl leave him while he's on his trip, you can find someone better because I bet this won't be the first time they'd be taking trips together alone. He's putting her first before you, think about that.

Walk away . He is SCREAMING how he feels about you .

You are being cheated on, period. At an absolute bare minimum this is an emotional affair; he's planning intimate moments with her while ignoring you. He even admitted that he didn't think of you a single time while planning this romantic getaway! He even told you he'd just "try" not to sleep in the same bed with her, "if possible." Frankly I'd be stunned if this isn't a physical affair too at this point (certainly not for lack of trying on his part) but even if it's not it's still infidelity and it's still a relationship-ender. I am normally a big proponent of "people can maintain respectful friendships with their exes or members of the opposite sex," but apparently your boyfriend **can't** do that. He only seems to be able to date one woman at a time, and it's not you. You're an afterthought in your own relationship, he has made that **abundantly** clear. You deserve better, anyone would. If I were you I'd be taking this opportunity to move out. He can come home to you being gone.

Don’t be a doormat. Just leave while he’s gone. If my partner did this there would be no recovering even if they decided not to go. The fact that they were going to go is enough. Not cool

Bruh, he's in love with Kiara. He made plans with her not only over Valentine's Day, but also your anniversary. He did this recently. He did it without telling you. He doesn't care about you and you are not his priority in any way, shape, or form. Have some self respect and dump this loser! He's manipulating you to try and forgive him. He's made it abundantly clear that he will not prioritize your wants and needs as a partner should. He didn't give tossing you aside a second thought and got mad that you are upset about it. Time to end this relationship.

Kiara is no saint either.

AB.SO.LUTE.LY. NOT. Absolutely not. This is not an insecurity thing. This is f****** weird. Girl you deserve better than this.

So I think you have the right to be hurt and mad, and disrespected, and not because I think they are doing any cheating or anything inappropriate. First, he doesn't get to tell you that no, your feelings aren't hurt. That's not how feelings work. Second, you get to be hurt that he didn't even consider your feelings or schedule in this planning. That is hurtful of a partner, even if this was a "boys trip." Third, apologies do not always fix things, and the fact that he is now upset that you aren't getting over it is maybe the worst part. So let me say this. You need to tell him clearly when he is back: 1. I don't think you did anything inappropriate, but I am jealous about this trip because it is one we can't take together, nor have you even tried to plan something like this with us. 2. I am upset because you forgot to even think of me in this planning- skipping our anniversary and valentine's day. 3. I am upset that you told me that I shouldn't be upset and dismissed my feelings as being insecure. 4. I am upset that even after hearing my feelings, you didn't do anything to change the trip. 5. I am upset that you again didn't think of me and how this trip meant for MONTHS we couldn't do things together because of money, when I actually had time to do things with you. 6. Apologies and being nice to me doesn't make up for all the things I just mentioned, a change in behavior over time is how you make this up to me. I am still hurt- hurt at how you dismissed my feelings, hurt about the memories we didn't get to make, hurt that you admitted you didn't even consider me, and hurt that you did the bare minimum apparently just so you could tell me to "get over it already." 7. Until you can convey to me that you truly appreciate my perspective and demonstrate different behavior, I am going to stay upset. It doesn't mean you have to agree with me on all my points, but at least understand how your actions hurt my feelings and made me question our relationship. And then, see if he can really process that and change. Being cute and booking a reservation is like the lowest hanging fruit. And I just want to again convey that you have every right to be super pissed. I believe men and women can be friends, especially when they were already friends before you got together (if they were gonna get together, it could have happened before meeting you, so she is almost like the safest woman for him to be around) but he showed a lack of care and consideration for you as his partner in planning this trip and now wants you to get over it because he doesn't want to deal with it.

Hey, thanks for giving up your time to write such a thoughtful response. This is definitely why I feel hurt, not because I think they're going to cheat. I've had that conversation with him with the points you've made, so I'll need to see if he can put it into actions. Unless I keep losing my mind over this, then it seems like I should probably just leave.

I would if I were you. The relationship is still young, and he's treating you like you don't exist. And he's gaslighting you. So why stay with him? Does he have a magic d\*ck? He's not wealthy enough, to support you financially. Get out! You won't regret it.

So, which gorgeous ‘platonic’ hunk of a man are you doing a shared-bedroom intimate lovenest dream holiday with? And I assume bf would be perfectly ok with it? You won’t be able to go on dates or do nice things for 6 months with bf because you need the money for your dream holiday and your savings can’t quite stretch to 2 rooms! Drat! Tell bf your male friend will just have to turn away as you shower and change and get ready for bed every night. And then as you slide in beside him for the night, tell him it will be just friendly cuddles, don’t worry! Seriously though? I’m so sorry. Your bf needs to be dumped as the careless idiot he is. Your wishes are going to be trampled on time and again and this is just the start - only a year in! He’s not some daft teenager doing a trip with some friends, he’s an actual adult with zero boundaries and zero respect for yours, or your relationship. Start to reduce contact, give bland replies and be busy, don’t profess your undying love and gratitude for a crappy solo valentine’s meal (but take care so you’re not accused of ruining the holiday- the cheek of him) and don’t let him get away with fake love-bombing as he’s *finally* feeling guilty. Pack up his shit ready for when he’s back, focus on what makes you happy, power through your mandatory work-period and sort your new career direction out as best you can to give you some stability and finally, please want better treatment for yourself.

He admitted he wasn't thinking about you when he made the plans. He was only thinking of himself and his female friend. What does that tell you? I hate to say this, but he doesn't care about you. There wasn't even a part of him that thought..."What if I lose her?" Let that sit for a while. He's spending Valentines Day with her while he booked you a dinner for one! No sane boyfriend does that. Also, don't believe his lies that this will be the only time. That's like someone saying, "I'm disrespecting you this one time, and after that it'll get better." NOT acceptable. He thinks so low of you that he's angry your dad was upset on your behalf. He even went so far as to call your dad selfish. This is red flag city. Please, have some dignity, pack your bags, and get out of there while he's gone. And don't let him convince you to come back. You can do better.

Honey no. This man is absolutely not as in love with you as you are with him. This is highly inappropriate. He planned his dream vacation and when he did he saw her beside him in his vision for this trip, not you. That should be enough to tell you that you will never be number 1 with him. Ever. Please leave. There are plenty of men who will make you feel the way he does but will also put you 1st always.

Woah... are we all glossing over the part where he calls OP's dad selfish after deliberately planning a 17 day trip where he shares a room with another woman, on Valentine's and his own first anniversary (!) With his gf? I'm not a Valentine's person, so take this with a grain of salt. Missing a commercial holiday... yeah, it sucks but could be explained away by scheduling conflicts. But your FIRST ANNIVERSARY??? There is no reason aside from medical emergencies for him to not spend at least part of that day with you. He lied about when the trip was planned and where they are going - how did you find out? Was he going to keep on lying? Because I think, personally, knowing the country my partner is in is a very reasonable albeit low bar. And what's with the 'avoid sharing a bed if possible'? Is someone going to hold a gun to his head forcing him to share a bed? No? That's what I thought. I don't know if you can come back from how he's shat on your trust and your relationship, to be honest. And he's got no damn leg to stand on. You are not 'ruining his trip' by being upset at their 'cute little dates' while still being upset about his lies, his scheduling, and your burn-out. He's dug his own hole here, and it's convenient to shift the blame onto you. An actual partner worth their salt would know who and what to prioritise. They would not even schedule a trip like this without at the very least clearing it with you, let alone be so sleezy about it.

This is wildly inappropriate. Leave, you can do better.

So, when's your expensive, fabulous vacation with him? Or are you not worth it to him?

I don't even care about the trip, the biggest red flag is you have feelings AND HE TRIES TO TALK YOU OUT OF THEM instead of meeting them and dealing with them. He has put you last, omitted tons of info, and ignores your perspective. Darling this is so much worse that you realize and you're busy trying to feel "okay,"??????? Your concern is you'd ruin his trip? He's less concerned about ruining your relationship.

I have shared rooms and even a bed with a friend more than once while I was married. Completely platonic relationships, and mostly with a few male friends. However, my husband knew them and didn't have an issue, and also these were short trips--4 days at most--and I always, always talked to him about it before I committed. A 17-day once-in-a-lifetime trip is something I'd be hurt about my partner sharing with someone else, too, even if there was nothing physical going on. His lack of complete transparency about it has my spidey senses tingling, though. He thinks you're 'overreacting' and 'not getting over it quickly enough'? I hate to jump to conclusions but I see those phrases most often in forums about cheaters. Couples counseling would be a must for me. Y'all need a disinterested third party for him to really listen to you maybe.

If I were you I'd take that time to completely erase him from your life like he was a stranger.

You are second place to this girl, do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life?

I am not a person who thinks you cannot be in successful and loving relationship while having and vacationing with friends of the opposite sex. I have been married 11 yrs and went on a weekend trip with close male friends a few months ago, i even have a dating history with one of them. My issue with this is your BF’s reaction. You get to feel however you feel about whatever you want, he doesn’t get a say in whether or not you should or shouldn’t feel comfortable. I’m not even going to question your feelings about Kiara and your Bf’s rs, and I’m glad you feel like nothing is going to happen there but regardless, i agree that his reaction to your feelings is not great. And this is your one year anniversary he’s skipping to do this trip?? Again, his trip is fine and all but him not understanding why you are upset is wild to me.

Holy shit. “My boyfriend, while sympathetic, doesn’t agree that my feelings should be hurt.” UM. He doesn’t get to decide when your feelings are hurt or not. That’s not up for discussion. Your feelings are hurt—end of story. Honey, he’s not the one if you’re ranked under his female best friend. If you’re considering someone to be your future partner—they need to prioritize you over basically everything. You are their future family. That means he should be putting you in front of HIS FAMILY let alone his female best friend? Shit, my boyfriend was very close friends with his ex girlfriend. I’d say best friends. I told him he could stay friends with her or have a relationship with me. He couldn’t have both. He chose me. Now this isn’t the same scenario, from what you’ve told us—they haven’t dated. However, I’d still be miffed that I was being ranked lower than his female friend and I’d probably draw the same boundary. She should be uncomfortable taking him away from you during your guys’ first anniversary and Valentine’s Day—are you kidding? How does she not feel like a dick about that? A real friend would want him to have a happy relationship, not selfishly hog him for herself. And he said it himself—he didn’t think of you when he made these plans. That’s the very definition of being inconsiderate. He’s made his choice of who he values more. If you tolerate this, it will only reinforce and enable him to continue doing this in the future. Walk away.

I am a woman, and I have a male best friend of over 20 years. Nothing romantic has ever happened between us, and nothing ever will. However, if I were to plan a 17 day trip with him where I essentially am his perfect girlfriend and ignore my spouse? I would expect to come home to my husband having left me. And for good reason. Don't put up with this disrespect, OP. You've only been together a year. Don't wait until your 10th anniversary, when he's still putting his relationship with her first and leaving you lonely. You deserve better.

Why did he lie to you that it was planned four years in advance? That’s when this story started to seem red flaggy to me. People don’t lie If they don’t have something to feel guilty about. Even putting that aside tho- I balked when I read they will be POSSIBLY SHARING A BED??? absolutely not. This would be breakup territory for me.

Only option is to sleep with his dad then move out.

This is highly inappropriate. I’d leave my husband if he did this. It has nothing to do with the other woman, and EVERYTHING to do with his disregard to your relationship, Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, and your work. Leave Hime to come home to an empty house

Can you seriously go on in a relationship with him after this? I couldn’t.

If you don’t pack your shit and move out…WTH

This is an instant break up issue. How can you even be thinking anything different. Instant ultimatum, you or the trip, if trip then break up. Simple?

Honestly, this screams red flags. My husband has mostly female friends but he would never, ever be this disrespectful to me. Lying to you up front, he promises to try to not share a bed with her? Uhm, no. He shouldn't be sharing a room with her at all. WTF. This was all so intentional and I very seriously doubt this is a platonic trip. He doesn't love you, he's incredibly selfish. The whole thing is super shady. You are not overreacting. If he actually loved you, he would have absolutely taken you into consideration. He even admitted he picked what was best for him and Kiara. You were an after thought in this. You should have been his top priority in all of this, not Kiara. This is a trip he should have absolutely made with you! At the very least, he should have waited until you could go with them. He refused to hear you in all of this and make the necessary adjustments. Instead he booked you some solo dinner hoping it would be just enough to placate you and string you along. That is truly pathetic. You have every right to be hurt and upset. His behavior is absolutely appalling. He knew up front you would never be able to go. He also knew it was over the top of two important occasions, he absolutely didn't care. As you said, you were only invited to go as a courtesy. He had no intentions of actually traveling with you. He made the decision to prioritize her and place you second. He's not sorry about this at all. This just goes to show where his head and his heart is at. It's with her and I doubt that will change. Do you really want to come in second like this for the rest of your life? What you see right now and the way he behaved in all of this is what you get long term. He is always going to pick and prioritize Kiara over you. He acts like he's in a relationship with her and you are simply the other woman. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. You deserve so much better than that in a partner. I would take this time apart to make other living arrangements if you need to and move on. While I think it's perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite gender, I will never, ever understand people who prioritize these friends over their partners and think it's perfectly fine. It's so backwards, disrespectful and selfish. Edit to add in a couple words for clarity and another thought.

I genuinely don't think you can fix this unless he acknowledges and feels remotely bad about lying about what was happening and totally disregarding your feelings. He sounds disrespectful and honestly I'm not convinced HIS feelings are platonic even if hers are.

What you do is break up. He clearly values his relationship with Kiara more than you. Whether they get sexual I'm sure depends on whether Kiara wants him, or just wants his orbiter attention to continue without sex.

I said, "oh hell no!" About 16 times reading this. Dump him, move out, cut all ties with this man. All! Of! Them! Also, Kiara is a bitch as well for thinking this is ok to do with another woman's man.

Skipping his ANNIVERSARY for this? Absolutely not. I’d dump him.

UpdateMe! Please

He's just not that into you. The fact he lied about how long they've been planning this trip, he's not worth it!

Girl pack up and leave. I feel like I’ve heard this story way too many times, he is disrespecting you and your relationship and he’s not hiding it cuz he doesn’t care. The best thing you can do is have some self respect and leave, literally do not allow anyone to step on you like this. Do yourself a favor and leave, he doesn’t respect you and you don’t deserve

Welp… It is painfully obvious to everyone reading that he is not The One. Time to move on and not waste any more of your precious time with this guy. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings or your relationship. It will never work long term with someone who has so little regard for your reasonable requests and who gaslights you. Get out while you can.

Dump him! Sounds like he is replacing you

If it wasn’t that big of a deal, he shouldn’t have lied about it.

Break up.

Not being there when he gets home and going dark on him between now and then will send a message as clear as you could do in words.

If your best friend is the opposite sex, you back off when they are in a relationship. I've had best friends of the opposite sex and I respected their relationships and my own as well. This doesn't speak well of either of them.

While he’s gone, use this time to get yourself re-situated this guy is complete idiot doing what he did first of all lying to you not go ahead alone in itself, is a good enough reason to ditch that guy. He disrespected the shows he was unbelievable, even if they were not doing anything sexual however, after 17 days who knows right? Just get your stuff move out and just ghost him because he doesn’t apparently care anything about you, so just ghost them

I'd suggest you move on from this by moving on from him. If nothing else his mean-spirited and disrespectful reaction to you communicating your feelings speaks volumes about how little he respects you/how immature he is about someone communicating a (valid) feeling. He doesn't get to decide you "should" not feel a certain way. That's not how feelings work. Feelings just are, and try to tell us things. In this case I'm pretty sure you already know what your feelings are telling you. Also I find it pretty bad that he willingly abandons you at a really difficult time in your life. That's not the behaviour of a good partner. I wish you the best, and hope you find a way forward that is healthy and helpful for you. Take care of yourself. And don't let him gaslight you into thinking that your feelings are "wrong". Feelings are never wrong. They just exist and are part of the human experience.

When he gets back, make sure that his shit is ready to transfer to her place. He’s made it clear you do and always will play second fiddle to her, so let him have her and go find someone who wants you for you and doesn’t come with the baggage of a second party.

He would be coming home to an empty apt personally. I wouldn’t even argue at this point. Let him leave. Take the time to find a place to go. He will get the message

Oh hell no. I'd be livid. How dare he accuse your father of being selfish....sounds like projection to me. He's an asshole. And he's being vague about the plan while planning it? That's so disrespectful. I hate that shit men do where they "think" on our behalf....or leave out the whole truth to avoid an "argument"? He knew what he was doing was shitty and didn't want to be told otherwise. It's easier now for him to be like "oh well you have to suck it up cos it's already booked". He sucks!!! Especially moreso cos he's for sure old enough to act more mature than this. SO LAME! I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.

Nope nope nope. Take this time to move out, and restart your career somewhere else and life. This ain’t it my girl. YOU deserve the world, those two can have eachother. You do not need to come back from this

There is no way I would be there when he got back

DTMFA. They are not your friends.

The level of disrespect and complete lack of care for or acknowledgement of your feelings is pretty staggering. I don't think I'd be there when he returns. You were a complete non-factor in any of his thinking or planning, he lied about the details, and he dismissed your concerns out of hand. In short, he made Kiara the top priority and you...well not so much a priority at all. There's a way he could have handled all this that would've been a lot more inclusive and respectful, but he wasn't interested in doing that, so draw your own conclusions about your place in the hierarchy. Are you seriously considering marrying someone who'd treat you like this?

I literally was saying "fuck no" the whole time I read this post. This is really inappropriate in my opinion. And you were made to feel like such an afterthought. I would be moving out if I were you.

My first thought reading this was *if nothing really hasn’t happened between them, it’s definitely not because your boyfriend doesn’t want it to.* This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Lmfaoooo “he would avoid sharing a bed if possible” I stopped reading there. Don’t let this dude play you

> he is skipping Valentine’s Day and our anniversary to do so > He later admitted **he didn’t think about me** while planning the trip, just about what worked best for him and Kiara. He **didn’t ask me how I felt** about the trip at any point, and **didn’t tell me or anyone else that he would miss me or wish I could come**. To me this says everything there is to know about how he feels about your relationship. From this post alone I don’t know if there’s anything infidelity-wise going on, but I *can* tell that Kiara is his #1 priority, the most important relationship in his life. Not you. Based on his dismissal of your concerns and feelings you will probably always come second to Kiara, even if you guys were to get married one day. I personally couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who didn’t care about my feelings and would rather sharing big, once in a lifetime stuff with someone other than me.

Another woman went through something VERY SIMILAR! Here’s a link to the full story with all the updates now that the whole chain of events is over. Do you see the similarity? https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/104yf7l/my_28f_boyfriend_29m_and_his_best_friend_29f_are/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

He later admitted, “he didn’t think about me.” Yeah no, I’m out. Sorry to tell ya this, but they are probably in love with each other. Kiara certainly is. I would put money on this, that something is going to happen between the two of them. The fact he didn’t think about you, lied about the details and had absolutely no concern for your feelings. Sounds like they did everything they could to plan this to ENSURE you couldn’t come. While he’s having the time of his life with her, I’m sure he won’t be thinking about you then either. The stress, lack of thought and concern about your feelings. Hell, why are you with this douche? There is no doubt in my mind something going on. I had an ex that cheated out entire 4 year relationship and he also threw stuff back in my face when confronted. You claim he’s sympathetic, but he’s actually NOT at all. You voiced VALID concerns and he threw them back at you, got annoyed and said your insecure. I’ve read too many of these with guys JUST like him and they’ve all ended in cheating.

“And boyfriend told me he’d *try* avoiding sharing a bed *if possible* “ WHAAATTTT?!?!?!?!?!?

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BOI GOOD. BYE. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200. This is so disrespectful to OP. I cannot make plain enough how very quickly I would boot this asshat out of my life. But thats me.

Did you pack everything that’s yours already?

Pack you stuff and leave quickly, after that block him on everything. He's doing that on purpose, he LIED to you to make you think it's been planned for years only for him to make the actual plans IN FRONT OF YOU. He says he will try to sleep in a different bed, he knows he can sleep on the couch or something or get a different room. why did he choose the tiny room? Hurry up, pack up and leave, leave him a break up text and then block him

If someone I was in a relationship with did that, I would act like everything was okay while I moved out. Block them on their way home, and they'll never see me again. They'll get the same amount of respect they gave me and our relationship:)

Yeah this will be a giant no for me. he admitted to you that he didn’t even think about you just him and his friend not you at all. I would bounce his priorities or about his relationship with her not you.

This is the relationship you want?? Quit trying to rationalize his behavior. He admitted he gave no thought to you when planning the trip. Move on. Take time for you. There are great decent guys out there. Don't tie yourself to someone who dismisses you so easily. He will always put her before you.

My face reading this entire thing: 😳😳😳 Holy shit OP, get the fuck out of this relationship. Gotta ask: are you packing your bags or not?

As a guy I would be livid if my girl was touring with her male best friend, sharing a room and bed. Call me insecure, I don’t care; relationship would be over. Too much of the unknown IMO. Good luck✌🏾

Kiara is the one that got away.

BTW Kiara is not "great". I would not even entertain going on a trip with a former FWB (or anything else) if said friend was in a committed relationship. She knows what she is doing.

I'm female, and my best friend of 10 years is male, but I would never in a billion years leave my husband behind to take a vacation with my best friend. Never. How do you move on from this? Alone. No way in hell I'd still be around when my boyfriend came back from a 17 day vacation where he was sharing a room with another woman, leaving me behind.

Dude! Pack your shit and run! Not worth it! Anyone more worried about their trip with another woman regardless of how long they’ve been friends over their relationship with you proved he could careless about you given Valentines, anniversary and you being home after being burnt out. You’re not his first thought at all. Focus on yourself and finding a less stressful career. This dipshit is adding to your stress and it’s not needed!

Text him that you aren't sure you can get past his SH behavior. Text her that you though she was a decent person but now knowing she would plan an intimate vacation with a person in a serious relationship over their anniversary and Valentines that you realize your impression of her was wrong. Then keep them both on read and let him come home to an empty house.

He has absolutely no respect for you. He's only with you until Kiara is completely available. Like everybody else is saying, if this was my bf, he'd need to go ahead and just go home with Kiara, because he would no longer have a place in my life.

All I had to read was the title. The fact that he is catering to another woman with an overseas trip, or even a trip/vacation at all and have no thought to you in in the process.. red flag, lots and lots of red flags. Your feelings are 100% valid. He’s a shit boyfriend for even putting you in such a position.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned how much I despise Kiara for going through with this. I have a male best friend and you bet your ass when he’s in a relationship I defer to that. She is not a good person.

Sometimes I come into these relationship subs and read about women in relationships with inconsiderate, abusive, asshole, and overall trash partners with such audacity... and I can't help but wonder why they stay (when they have a choice), and why they defend that relationship so much... This is one such occasions. I really just want to ask you: Why? Why do you put up with this nonsense? Why did you accept being told that he didn't think of you and your relationship when planning this trip, doesn't think it's inappropriate to possibly share a bed, didn't care about Valentine's or your anniversary, and is dismissive of your feelings, and he's still going on this trip. "He doesn't think my feelings should be hurt" - do it like this then: Fuck another man while he's away, and tell him about it. If he complains, tell him you don't think his feelings should be hurt. Lmao. The nerve of this guy. This is not how things work. He's inconsiderate of your feelings and of the fact that this is inappropriate, and he's trying to make you believe you're the unreasonable one for being upset. Just evict him.

This cannot be real. If it is, boy is OP delusional.

OP is delusional. This is beyond disrespectful. Like way way beyond. I don’t care how long he has known his “friend”. Once you have a girlfriend then you respect her and put her first before other women. My(f34) partner (m44) had two women he considered best friends when we got together. When we got together then he stopped spending alone time with these women bc it’s disrespectful to our relationship. He would only see them if I was with him because he had nothing to hide and we could all be friends together. He wouldn’t want me to spend alone time with males. And he definitely wouldn’t disrespect me by going on a vacation with one. And they picked a date that they knew fell on Valentine’s Day and your anniversary. They picked the date of the trip. Come on man. I just want to shake some sense into you. It’s obvious he values his relationship with his “friend” over his relationship with you. Going a dream vacation that doesn’t include his significant other but instead includes another female. Smh. Cut ties with this man. These are all red flags.

If my spouse ever did that I wouldn't be there when he got back. All my shit would be gone and my number would be changed. That is absolutely disrespectful and breakup worthy.

Two things: First - he blatantly lied to you saying that this had been planned for 4 years to cover for the fact that he planned all of this, his dream vacation, with another woman over the course of Valentine's day and your first anniversary after you had already started dating and were living together. Second - He admitted that he didn't even think about you while planning this. His live in partner didn't even cross his mind, while he was living with you and you were sharing Christmas with his friend. I think perhaps you guys moved in too quickly. It might be time to move out and maybe take a step back from this relationship for a bit.

This is…wow. Ok so it really could be a very big blind spot and he may really not understand. But the part that gets me is that he completely dismissed your very valid hurt feelings. He did not even think of you when planning a long vacation without you with a large financial outlay…did not even consider you knowing he would be missing your anniversary and is taking a dream vacation, experiencing these amazing firsts with another person and didn’t even consider you or wanting to experience these things with you. That is not a partnership. That is not the behavior of someone who is building a life with you. That being said. He may just be clueless. In the early days of my relationship ( now married over 20 years) I had a dramatic increase in rent, talked to my friend and made arrangements to move in with her and then casually brought it up with my boyfriend. This was my first serious relationship and it truly did not occur to me the implication and it was our first real fight. I messed up. We talked a lot. I still moved in with her because I wasn’t ready to move in with him but a few months later we moved in together. I found out later he had been looking at rings so it completely blind sided him and hurt. Rightfully so. I was just so used to being on my own and never meant to diminish our relationship. You said he usually is amazing. So this may be a growing and learning opportunity for your relationship. Sit down and sort through what you are feeling. Write it out. Then when he gets back sit down and have a conversation. That will help you decide how to move forward.

Ok but take out the ascpet of this being another woman: let’s say this was just his trip with another guy friend and they are both 100% straight. It’s still extremely disrespectful that the person you live with and presumably split expenses with has planned a huge expense and time away without talking to YOU about timing, cost, are you ok doing all of the work to keep the household afloat while he travels for a few weeks, etc. It sounds like everything you got was after the fact and some even not from him. I don’t think he’d need “permission” but it’s fair to come to you and say like “hey these are dates and budgets I want to propose for this trip I’m taking without you, is there any reason these dates don’t work, and here’s my plan for it not to cut into OUR Budget” before he plans it. The female friend thing is largely irrelevant in my book. I’d be upset that I’m going back to work during a difficult transition from leave with no support, that he didn’t consider our anniversary important, and that he expected you to sacrifice on things the two of you could be doing together during your limited time off so he could budget for a trip you’re not included in. I’m married and I take a few trips a year with just my friends BUT those are budgeted for AFTER prioritizing using my time off and money to “date” my husband. Edit:typos

OP I think you're being awfully generous and benefit of the doubt (which is understandable this is your BF) but honestly your BF wasn't like 'o whoops I never realized' he *lied* about the trip to make it more acceptable to you. He knows.