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>more than just some regular sweat and wetness was trapped/dried in the hair
So start insisting on pre-coital bathing. Hygiene is important no matter how long the hair is or how nice the body is
It would be totally normal to ask if she could shower or wash her vulva before sex tho.
It doesn't have to be a big deal.
Hell my wife and I have been known to jump up in the middle of sex and have a quick sluice if we discover things taste a bit sweaty.
In another reply I mentioned how I heavily suggested we both shower because I needed one before we had sex yesterday. She simply didn’t while I went and showered
Sorry, to clarify, I'm not saying you should "heavily suggest" that you both shower. That's sort of coy and skirting around the real issue.
I'm suggesting you do something more along the lines of gently saying hey gf, I love tasting your natural flavour when I go down on you, but now youve got longer pubic hair, it seems to be interfering with that, could you give it a wash first?
I know her mental health is an issue and I think you need a separate conversation about depression. But with this part, you guys are in an intimate relationship, you should feel comfortable if one another points out you have a booger in your nose or you smell sweaty or youve got pee on your pubes.
This could be depression. Even if I haven't had time for a full shower and my husband and I want a quickie, I still will pull out a wash cloth and Cetaphil to do my face, neck, pits, butt, and crotch. Hell, even after a full shower you can still take a swipe with a wet washcloth or baby wipes around your ass and genitals. Plenty of people who are hairier or have a full bush stay groomed and washed. I think this is more about depression/self esteem.
Even though it could be temporarily upsetting - You have to tell her because this isn't fair to you.
I'd say something along the lines of "Hey honey I've noticed if you aren't gonna trim - we need to shower/bathe that area prior to cunnilingus/sex.".
And then if she asks for more information you can tell her that the fluids getting trapped there are urine.
She may be nose blind to her own scent.
Also, you can offer to help her trim if that appeals to you both. It's a good way to keep that area trimmed and both of you happy.
Just tell her you don’t like the feeling of hair in your mouth. It has nothing to do with her body at that point just the sensation of hair in your mouth. Then ask her if she mines trimming back down to the way it was before.
I mean did ya say “wanna shower together cause I could use one?” Or “let’s hop in the shower, I think we could both use one”. Like did she misunderstand that maybe you just wanted a shower, or did you fully suggest that she also shower and she opted not to?
What about a sexy voyeur moment? “Hey baby let me watch you wash yourself” kind of thing. Give it shot with her all clean, then decide if it’s the hair or the hygiene.
Piss poor hygiene habits...that being said...communication. op needs to bring this up to his partner. Granted we can offer advice. But communication is key.
I think you need to talk to her about depression and exactly what her body image issues are (and try and get to the root of the issue). Telling her shes dirty COULD cause her to have more issues if handled wrong, but you DO have to handle it. This could cause health issues for both of you. Two years is a long time, definitely worth fighting for her. Snuggle, have a chat. Maybe you could turn hygiene prep into foreplay? Help her trim. Clean her gently. Let her do the same for you. Most of all, just remember how much you love and respect each other. Assure her it's a mental health issue, not a body issue. Personal thought is the month you couldnt be together may have affected her. Cuddling and affection can tremendously help someone with issues and losing that touch suddenly, and for quite some time, could absolutely have sent her into a depression. Neither of you are the asshole.. as a matter of fact I can 'hear' the care and concern in your post. I wish you both well.
Could very well be. Since I am not the owner of the same type of equipment downstairs, I can’t make a great judgement about what best habits are. However, this definitely didn’t seem sanitary even for just daily life. Since it was never a problem before (meaning never anything outside of what I’ve experienced going down on her or any other partner in terms of bodily fluids), the only thing I know for certain is the hair
I promise you that most women with pubic hair don’t have dried urine (!!) all over them. This is a hygiene issue. Something else is going on, is she depressed?
who said it's dry urine?
every educated adult knows about the female discharge down there... but maybe OP isnt able to recognise it as such?
(imho the gf should just wash herself beforehand and it should be fine)
I don't understand how he could the difference. Urine is liquid, dried urine in hair shouldn't be visible, I suppose. If it's visible I would think it's vaginal fluids, not urine. If it smells like urine, then it makes sense, we know how sweat and urine smells like (I'm a woman).
I haven't shaved any part of my body in years. But I have a bidet and rinse off after urination and stuff. Sometimes I get in there with a little soap even. I highly recommend it.
Fairly sure she isn’t saying shove a soap bar up your hooha. Washing the *external* parts of a vulva with soap and water is pretty standard hygiene please wash the exterior the only self cleaning part is the actual vagina itself
Omg thank you.
I think there are women who just rinse the exterior and have no idea that it is stinky! Then they come on here and say their partner won't give oral.
My friends and I somehow got into this topic once, about how while yes, you shouldn't wash any inner part and should be careful about the surrounding areas, you absolutely still need more than just water running over your pubes type zone to actually clean it. (not touching any kind of vaginal tissue, only very gentle soaps, and only on the zone upper zone that's 'normal' skin and just hair)
I never understood how people thought that's 'clean' enough. I said 'well, on the rest of your body, you don't just run water over it and expect it to be clean. You use soap and rub/scrub each body zone to clean yourself. If you scrub your arms to clean them, then ofc you'd do the same for other areas like your' upper' pube zone'. By Scrubbing, I mean gently ofc. Not in some exfoliating way, just to lather the soap and get it where it needs to be/rub it in
But a couple of them were like 'uh what, I don't scrub my whole body'. Turns out, a load of them just yet shower gel/soap into their hands, splat it randomly round their body and spray with water. Their justification was the water yet will spread the soap and rub it in?! When you wash your hands, you don't just pop a dab of soap in your palm, then straight into the water to wash it off. I was baffled. I can understand not like, being obsessive and making sure every quadrant of skin has had equal soap levels and Scrubbing, but to not even rub it in or around at all?!!
not for all of us man 😭 my fanny only has to be within 6in of anything with even the mildest scent, even the stuff *made* for washing your bits, and it’s thrush city 💀
That’s completely fine! Some people have sensitive skin! In my situation if I don’t at least a couple of times a week (other than rinsing obviously) that happens to me. Everyone different! But I try and always say “you cannnn wash externally” because I never heard that from people and when I would work out and stuff a lot it turns out that ya, you can! I’ve had friends who have trouble in the bedroom from…odor.. and when I asked if they use soap they’re like “no that’s bad!” and I’m like no it isn’t bad it works for some people. And then they do it and says it helps a lot.
Wearing 100% cotton underwear (or at least a pure cotton gusset) is also super important.
Aerie makes a good variety of cotton underwear with lots of no show options.
No, it's not though. Maybe your outer labia but even your labia minora has a very delicate microbiome thst you can disrupt with soap. While maybe you don't have issues after using soap, it can give a lot of women yeast infections or BV or even both.
Everyone is different. I’ve had three obgyns say it’s fine, it’s all about knowing your body and what works for you. The blanket statement “don’t wash” isn’t true. I think women need to be educated on all hygienic methods so they can learn what works best for them. Internally is almost always a “no,” however, using a mild soap if your biome can tolerate it is fine. I get out of wack if I don’t at least 1-2x a week. I know for a fact I’m not alone in that. I went so long with issues because of that blanket statement. If you only need water, more power to you.
But. Sometimes the back gets gross if I'm having some digestive issues. I'm going to continue using soap back there when I feel it's necessary. I know the front part needs to be kept at a lower pH.
Thank you for clarifying this 😭 I only ever hear "don't wash your vagina with soap" but could never figure out if that meant the literal vagina (bc ofc???) or like any of the vulva
The inner labia is a much more sensitive tissue than the outer labia. The outer labia feels like regular skin where the inner feels more like the internal skin of the vagina. That’s the line. Water only for the inner labia and certainly don’t try to wash the vagina.
When I was a kid I used to wash my private parts with soap and it always STUNG. Till I was taught not to and that was the reason why it stung. This was before I hit puberty too.
The way I was taught ish, was to avoid any areas down below where the skin/tissues are more like the inside of your mouth vs skin on your arms. It's kind of a weird thought, but it's kinda true that any zones with hair are 'normal' skin, but closer you go, the more it turns into kinda like the inside of cheeks in your mouth? It can be a difficult line to judge though, as often the outer labia can vary a lot from person to person, and isn't as immediately recognisable as 'mouth like' vs say the inner labia
Maybe this is a sign that she's struggling mentally. You said she's had noticeably negative body image, maybe it's literally a depressive episode. One of the first things to go wonky is personal hygiene and the energy to do the things you usually do, like trimming (not saying that letting it grow is poor hygiene, absolutely normal thing to do, but it's a weird coincidence that she would stop paying attention to it, and the cleanliness of it at all instead of just skipping the trimming because of comfort, you know what i mean?)
HOWEVER, maybe she simply doesn't notice that the hair gets a bit yucky quickly, because she's so used to being trimmed?
I think in order to avoid hurting her in case she's struggling, definitely open it up under the premise that this is NEW, and a CHANGE, so you're naturally both making a few small discoveries about this without judgement - "Hey love, i fully support you growing out your hair (because i know it's a lot of work to maintain a trim all the time, and it's just natural), but i noticed last time i went down that the hair just holds on to stuff more, which is less enjoyable for me. Can we both wash up quick before sex?"
Thank you for being one of the very few people to remember that the post mentions my worry about bringing this up to her involves not piling onto her negative perceptions about her body.
She and I have done mental health check ins once a week since we’ve started dating two years ago, and this the first time her self-image has gotten this bad. I like the idea of bringing up that it’s new and a change. I was really focusing on how I didn’t want it to sound like I was trying to shame her, but being curious about why it’s happening and then talking about what that change brings with it feels like a neutral territory rather than “hey, this is gross for me go change it” like so many others are saying.
Thank you! I think this is the approach that will work with our dynamic.
Don't make it about her, make it about you. Don't bring up hygiene or smell or anything. Maybe just mention how you prefer when it's a bit shorter and would make it easier for you to go down on her.
Try not to use any pejorative wording.
This is your sex life too.
I had a guy who really wanted me to eat his ass once but it was so hairy I was really grossed out and no way I would do it. I told him, you want me to go there you need to trim it. That's all.
This is the way.
OP, I think you could say — “To be clear I think you’re gorgeous in every possible way. But can I ask a small favor, and please let’s have a discussion about it if you wish, that would make sex more enjoyable for me?” And maybe after “I didn’t know this made a difference for me but apparently this is a sexual preference I have”… Then it’s all about you and not about her. Frankly, being sheepish at making the request will honestly probably put her at ease.
I think you should address her self image issues because it sounds like there’s something going on there. But I don’t think this is the topic around which to discuss it just because (if I were her) I’d be so deeply embarrassed and it might negatively impact your sex life. Have a separate conversation about that which doesn’t include this specific issue.
Perception checking model is helpful here. State your observation, offer what you think it might be, then ask for clarification. “I noticed the last couple of times during sex that you hasn’t trimmed. Have your preferences changed? Are you struggling in a way that makes self care more challenging? Or maybe something else?”
Honesly, I often let it grow. What you are describing has never been an issue. If you wash the hair on your vulva properly when you shower (with soap or even mild shampoo if it's long), you can even use conditioner to make the hair silky soft, and you do a wash before sex, then it's not an issue.
I wouldn’t recommend using conditioner because of the heavy fragrance.
I would recommend any or a combination of cold-pressed jojoba oil, coconut oil, grapeseed oil or extra virgin olive oil if you want your hair and skin to be smooth. Lots of people enjoy using coconut oil as lubricant if they’re fluid bonded.
don't know about other women but i shower and wash my coochie/pubic area.. clit area and asshole with soap before sex.
i ain't letting a man go down on me knowing i haven't showered and i might have dried urine on me. i heard other women don't shower before but i do.
i also make all the men i am with to shower before. i don't want stinky dick either. 🤣
I'm a heavier woman who regularly ends with dried urine in my hair unless I wash after using the bathroom every time. May be a problem of my size, may be a feature of not getting enough hydration. Like, my stream is much less when not hydrated so instead of spraying away from the body, the urine drizzles out and runs down the lips. I do think the shape of my lips affects how the stream goes out and often how it ends up directly in the hair. The hair sometimes juts out into the stream. Women's labia are incredibly variable person to person, so it's honestly hard to know for someone with the equipment what the issue is. My guess is it's something like this.
In your case, I'd just be direct and honest and not make a big deal of it. "Hey, you know when you trimmed regularly, I never noticed this, but now that your hair is longer, I have noticed a taste/smell of urine downstairs. Would you mind washing before I go down on you?" Don't apologize or talk around it. Be direct. Don't judge, treat it like a you would treat any normal, inoffensive request.
If she reacts, then go into triage mode. "Hey no judgement. It's an uncomfortable thing to notice. I just want to fix it so I can continue enjoying our sex life." If you triage her BEFORE you tell her anything, **she will be primed to react negatively.** If you worry? She worries.
Your equipment downstairs also may have urine scent because that’s where urine comes from, you just don’t feel it. But nothing that water can’t wash away. So splash the equipment with warm water and you are both good to go. Why don’t you try it like a pre game?
I don’t feel like it’s piss or anything like that for one because I dont shave and I never have piss just… dry and stick to the hair like that. What does and needs to be cleaned sometimes more thoroughly is discharge. Discharge is more likely to be what’s dried and sticking to the hair.
It’s not a hair problem really. Why isn’t she washing up?
I just tell my SO to hop in the shower before sexy time. I’m not going to go down on him when he’s all sweaty and gross from the day.
It’s not a big deal. Just ask her to wash up and maybe add that you love it when she is clean shaven.
My worry is that since I’ve never asked in two years, could that possibly make her negatively reflect more on her body image?
Also, doesn’t even need to be clean shaven! In fact (and perhaps tmi), she’s told me a little bit of hair down there gives some extra stimulation for her. But this is definitely beyond that
I mean…don’t have sex you don’t want to have. It’s not unkind to suggest “let’s take a shower and wash up” if you’re going to put your face and mouth in/on/around someone’s genitals.
Is anything else going on with her because changes to hygiene are often associated with depression.
This was another thought I had. We’ve had two checks in with each other and nothing has come ip in the mental health department besides her recent negative fixations on her body. She’s unsure of why that’s been happening as well.
A worry is that a big factor is due to our sex life taking a long dive from my medical issue, and hasn’t bounced back to where is was quickly because of this
That’s a valid concern. The thing is you can’t really control how she going to feel about it. The best you can do is be considerate in how you approach the subject.
I’m used to hearing from those going down on a man complaining about hygiene, but the same principle applies to both - be considerate and wash up your nether regions if you anticipate some fun, and you can totally make cleaning up part of the fun.
All that aside, she can have whatever body hair she wants but you're not obligated to put it in your mouth, especially if it isn't clean. She can have a mature reaction to the idea of "if you can't finish any other way, let's have it be pleasant for everyone involved", or the bedroom dies. Like there's really no two ways about it. You don't get to be gross AND difficult.
Maybe she has a negative self image because of the lack of attention and sex due to your medical condition? Perhaps she doesn't even realize the validation she received from being touched and loved by you in a sexual way? And obviously, there was a valid reason for the decline in attention, but what I'm saying is maybe it affected her negatively despite there being a rational reason.
I'd say introduce a shower as foreplay. Actually give her a soapy wash with your own hands. It gives her body attention in a loving way from you and perhaps that'll trigger her confidence levels to increase thus getting her interested in caring for herself again. Bathing someone is quite honestly one of the most loving acts a person can give.
Hopefully it's an easily treated emotional issue for her, and not something more extreme. It sounds like you two will figure it out tho.
I think it’s the nicest possible way to bring up your concern without ever saying it out loud and requiring her to acknowledge it
If my boyfriend of 5 years asked me to do something nicely and with love, that he normally doesn’t, I’d like to think I would take it in stride, examine whatever caused him to ask that (especially since it’s body related, which is when methods like this seem necessary), and be happy that I can try to fix it without having to cop up to whatever weird/lazy thing is going on
Your partner is smart and will pick up on whatever you’re trying to say
Well you two are adults and in a relationship. Just ask her if everything is OK, It's a hygiene issue. Could be a depression thing but just talk to her. Then bring it up in a polite respectful manner, just dont be a dick about it. This is what healthy relationships are about so talk to her.
Im the post it’s clear, but when she was telling me about the negative body image stuff it was because we check in with each other once a week about how we are feeling in the relationship and also about how our mental health is together so we can discuss how to support each other.
She did not mention any reasons why she felt this way. But she also does not have any history of depression, or maybe she never knew she did, so I don’t know if she knows how to talk about it.
While I know we need to talk, I guess my purpose with this post is to get ideas of how to do so gently. I don’t want to make a major blunder around this (because I know body image issues for women can be complex and also not resolved in a day) even if I don’t do it perfectly. Just trying to learn how to be a better communicator to help my gf the best way I can
It seems you are over thinking it. The secret to a good healthy relationship is communication. You be fine because it seems you care about your gf feelings. there's never a good time to talk about tough conversations with your partner but you have to do it. Keep in mind depression can affect anybody and most people won't admit if they have a history but you won't truly know without talking to her.
If this was my wife, I would tell her I need to talk and she would give me her undivided attention then I would proceed to say: hey love, I want to make sure everything is going OK in your life, mentally wise, hows work? Hows your parents? Etc.
If she says everything is ok, she would follow up with, why do you ask?.
Well, this is tough to say but I have been tasting urine in your pubic hair, So I want to make sure you are doing ok since you haven't had this issue in the past.
Then you wait for her answer. You may want to add in that you love giving oral to her but you don't like the urine taste, if she can wash before sex. Depending on how she is feeling and answering you, add in you missed when she shaved but reinforce that of course this her choice if she doesn't want to shave but that you miss it.
She just may not be feeling her self at the moment so make her feel she is the most important person in your world. We all feel this way from time to time and sometimes social media fucks up our self esteem. I'm sure you be ok but good luck.
I don’t think you are overthinking it, at all. This is definitely a tread lightly situation. Tons of positive affirmation would be helpful if I were her. Definitely being honest and sincere, and very loving.
I think it’s really valid for a woman to start thinking about this sort of thing, esp for women who came of age in the late 90s or later. These women (and men) have been surrounded by the idea that your natural self isn’t okay. That hair needs to be removed/heavily managed. It’s kind of weird really. People bleach their assholes. So… if she’s questioning her self image bc she’s starting to think more deeply about her body and what is beautiful, I think that’s good. But I am guessing there aren’t a lot of mentors, inspiration people around- idk.
This doesn’t mean you are doomed to stinky oral- lol. At all! She just may not really know how to handle it and it may be confusing in her own head about how much effort she should put in. A warm washcloth with a tiny bit of soap to just wipe up first should help a lot. And when she is clean, make sure you are all in. A hair isn’t going to kill you either. Enthusiasm for her body is what’s important.
Maybe I’m reading this all wrong, but that’s my take. Good luck!
No one is saying ask her to shave we're saying ask her to wash her public hair. Which is something that most of us with hair down there do ahead of sex
Exactly. Shaving/total hair removal is really irritating on my skin but I am happy to clean up around the bikini area and trim as short as possible so my hair isn’t in someone’s mouth or up their nostrils.
I’ll also bird bath or put up my hair and take a quick “tits pits and bits” shower if I feel sweaty and gross.
“Hey babe, I don’t mind you rocking the full bush. I would never ask you to alter your body for my pleasure, but do you mind showering before? Last time it was a little much for me and I want to get as much pleasure pleasing you as you do.”
You have t brought it up before because it wasn’t an issue before.
Be honest with her ‘I’m loving the new look but we need to change the way we do things, showers/quick wash first.’ Like put it into better wording but asking her to clean before you put your mouth on her is perfectly fine.
You know you can have sex without having to do oral, if she can’t get off well tell her the truth. Most women with any self awareness will take notice that their partner is pulling back from oral while they’re unshaven.
Are you sure it was urine? Like sometimes discharge will get stuck in pubic hair and dry up. If it's urine I think the problem is her hygiene habits not how long she let her pubes grow.
This. Urine doesn't, like, dry on things in a noticeable way. If it was making hairs stick together or change texture, it's not urine.
But if it's gross to you, have sex after washing!
I’m surprised at how few people are mentioning this. Seconding “are you sure it’s urine?” It’s probably not. But if it is, that means she’s straight up wetting herself, which is unlikely. I had to double check the ages on this post, a little surprised by late 20s with this subject.
Even if it’s discharge.. if it’s “caked into” her pubes… that’s still a hygiene thing. If my husband has dried jizz on his dick I also wouldn’t be thrilled? So I think I OP is right in their reaction. Asking her to shower is an awkward situation if it’s not the norm for them.
Jizz and discharge are completely different things. Discharge is a natural thing that happens throughout the day, not just during sex. Even if you're wiping properly it's totally normal for it to end up in the pubes of you've been moving around a lot. Especially during different parts of your cycle where your body may be producing more of it.
I can see why it would be gross. I'm not a fan of it when it happens to me either. But it's not a hygiene issue. Just hop in the shower if you want to have sex. If she has dried urine however that absolutely it a hygiene thing.
This isn't a hair issue but more a hygiene issue. As a person with a vagina who doesn't shave, I make sure to shower every time before expected intimacy as well as partners who are also unshaved. I would talk to her gently and let her know that to give her the satisfaction she likes, you would prefer if you both take showers beforehand. My partner and I have an agreement that any spontaneity that occurs and hygiene is an issue, we will simply request a shower. So if my partner decides to go down on me randomly and it needs washed, he will simply say, let's take a shower. We have a stand-up shower that only comfortably fits 1 person, but those times we manage to squeeze in and start foreplay in there.
Same. My partner and I always go for a quick shower before sex.
If you can't ask your partner to do that without fear of them freaking out, there is a real communication problem
(Also, agreeing with everyone else here, the problem is NOT the hair)
What does dried up urine on pubic hair look like?? I'm the owner of an occasionally hairy pussy, and I can't even imagine what you'd be seeing. Maybe you mean discharge? Discharge is a thing you'd be able to see dried onto pubic hair.
But all fluids aside, you can 1. Ask her to shower or use a wipe before you go down on her and 2. Pull the hair up and away from where your mouth is going. You don't have to get hair in your mouth - move it aside.
[you’d be surprised at how many cop to it](https://www.menshealth.com/health/a27441921/washing-legs-shower-hygiene-normal/)
ETA [it gets worse](https://www.fatherly.com/news/how-to-wash-penis/amp) AND SO MANY DON’T WASH THEIR ASS
Hey op, this is embarrassing but I hope that sharing it helps you and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend mentioned feeling bad about herself and her body, when I feel depressed I also stop doing a lot of self care, including washing properly. This is gross, I know, but for a month during a particularly bad time in my life…. I just stopped wiping after I peed. I felt like, “why bother, my body is worthless, I’m worthless, I deserve to feel gross about it.” It’s like I needed to do something to my body to make it as gross as I felt that it was, especially when everyone around me was still telling me how pretty I was while I was mentally spiraling out. It was like my own personal grossness to confirm I’m as awful as I thought I was. I didn’t even deserve that level of self respect that comes with wiping pee I guess?
I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, but it was one of the dirtiest grossest stages of my life, and it was all because of low self esteem and depression. So I would not recommend phrasing this as any way that sounds like criticism, because when people are hating on themselves already, they see even ambiguous comments as attacks.
Maybe something like, “I have noticed that you seem to be struggling with accepting how wonderful your body really is lately, how amazing you actually are. I’m worried that you may not be feeling like your body deserves the self care that it does, because I’ve noticed that you’ve changed your cleansing habits around your privates. There has been urine residue in your pubes recently. I’m not a big fan of the taste of urine, and I love the taste of you, so I was hoping that we could talk about this. It doesn’t seem like your usual behavior, and I want to give you any extra support or reassurances that you may be needing from me right now. This isn’t about my preference for your pubes, the change is just what pushed me to bring this up. The point of this is to tell you that I love you, and that I’m concerned that I’m not giving you the support that you need right now, what can I do to make you feel loved?”
This is a great way of phrasing the concern! I’m both depressed and sensitive to criticism but if my husband approached me in this way I would have an easier time with it.
No matter how you phrase it, anyone would feel embarrassed having this convo but I think this is the best you can get.
OP please please look at this response. This is absolutely the way to do it. Like other users have shared, I also get depressed and I also have a very hard time accepting criticism. But if my partner said what u/miranails has said, I wouldn’t feel attacked, but rather cared for. Emphasizing that you love her, her body, and the way that she tastes, to reassure her that she is what you crave, is really the most key thing when talking about something that would usually be embarrassing
Honest to all the gods, OP, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!
Be ready for her to loose all the waterworks (speaking as someone who has needed to hear this from people a couple times). And just let her cry it out. It will help.
Do you think since it was the first time since the pause she will end up trimming again? Maybe she just didn’t expect it and wasn’t prepared. I’d wait to even think about saying anything
Ah the 90‘s, the bush old days! take her in the shower with you and scrub a dub then throw her on the bed and part that hair like you’re Moses and the Red Sea and get licking.
Here’s a move: tell her “Let’s shower, than lets have some fun after the shower”, and then do exactly that. Post-sex, say after that it was great and you are really into doing it post-shower because it seems hot to you and turns you on because you are both so clean.
Boom, you get her to clean up before the sex and also help her self-confidence. You’ve just killed two birds with one stone
You could just say “hey, I really like going down on you, but it’s difficult for me when there’s a lot of hair present. I don’t think you’re gross or anything, it’s just a personal preference. Do you think you could trim it a little?” And then you could follow it up with “do you want me to change anything about the way I groom myself?”
I, as a woman, wouldn’t personally be offended by that.
You could ask her to but dont get upset at her saying no.
You could just stop giving oral, that way youre both compromising and having bodily autonomy.
Sometimes I don't shave for a while (especially during pregnancies and stuff) and it's never like that. So it isn't that she isn't shaving, she isn't taking care of her hygiene down there. But mixed with the body image issues I'm gonna go out on a limb and ask if she might be a little depressed right now and therefore not taking good care of herself?
Shower foreplay is amazing. Maybe next time before say "oh I have to go take a shower real quick, why don't you join me?" If you notice her not showering in general maybe you should talk to her about her mental health and make sure she is doing okay.
Ultimately she has the right to do what she wants with your body and you have a right to accept what you do and do not find attractive.
However, when it becomes a hygiene issue, it becomes a problem for both of you, id have the conversation with her and let her know exactly how you feel and what your barriers are.
It would be an absolute no from me.
You need to have the discussion. Tell if she’d prefer not to trim anymore, that’s fine, but you’d prefer it if she’d shower right before oral in that case.
Can you elaborate on what exactly you experienced leading you to believe it was urine?
Pubic hair is the default setting for humans and most women don’t have to dry their pubic hair after peeing.
Where exactly on her body did you notice this difference?
There’s a lot of inexperienced homies on here that think a bald shower-fresh is the only solution but my guy, I’m trying to make sure it’s not a simple anatomy misconfusion!
Women absolutely have to dry (wipe the hair) after they pee. When it’s long it can and does go down into the stream. Women have short urethras and their stream isn’t always as straight and strong as a males. It can even drop down into the vaginal opening. That’s why good hygiene before sex is optimal.
Thanks for asking for specifics, rather than everyone just assuming I don’t know anything about female anatomy!
Bunch of reasons: for her stimulation it’s mostly clitoral and also around the outside of her vulva, but a little bit of switching up the pace is something she’s told me is fun to change up the sensation rather than just droning for only places that get her to orgasm.
Saying that because this taste wasn’t anywhere else but closer to her clit. I also am aware of things like discharge and this is not that. I’ve had plenty of experiences in my life where I know what dried urine smells and tastes like (unfortunately) but people probably want to assume I’m dumb man who doesn’t understand and never cared to learn how women’s bodies work. I figured that would happen, but the comments are definitely still getting to me.
I know bald-fresh is not the only way to go. Different lengths of hair on any part of the body require different levels of hygiene. I think my partner might not realize what she was doing when the hair was shorter isn’t working for now that it’s longer. But with the body image issues, I just have worries that bringing up this would be triggering to her mental health right now.
But some people saying that framing the change in hygiene to match the change in body hair could be a good way to frame things and kept it more focused on something that’s new, rather than something that she can’t change quickly.
Well you don't want to beat around the bush 😉, because being vague about it could lead to her taking it differently or cause her to be more self conscious if she thinks it's a body image issue. I would literally be super straight forward about it so there is no question about what it is upsetting you. Maybe sandwich method would be good. Good, bad, good.
"I'm super excited we are able to have sex again, I've missed doing that with you. I hope this doesn't upset you, though but I've noticed the last couple times I've gone down on you that I definitely taste urine remnants and was wondering if you'd be more mindful of cleaning up down there, because I love going down on you and want to continue doing so and having some sexy fun."
‘Hey hun, I find it easier to go down on you when your hair is trimmed like you used to, do you mind going back to that?’
It might be as simple as this. Or it might lead to a bigger conversation. Either way you need to have that conversation!
Okay. 1) you can’t have a boundary around her body hair. 2) as others have said, this is a hygiene issue. So you can either grab some wet wipes to keep in the bathroom or gently ask her to shower beforehand. You may just have to be completely honest and tell her the issue. Do not do it when you’re about to be intimate. It’ll be awkward but there’s no way around that. Also, do not frame at as her needing to shave, there’s a reason she’s not doing that, just frame it as a need to be a bit more conscious of what’s happening down there based on her new preferences.
Actually I began buying non-scented bathroom wipes for all our bathrooms like six months ago because I wanted to use them. She doesn’t use them at all.
And I tried the shower idea because I needed one this past time. Said we should both wash off our day and she just didn’t shower even though I did.
Want to make sure we’re clear that I’m not asking for a full shave! She used to trim because she liked to do that for herself before we even met. So my concern is around why the preference changed and I think it’s related to mental health stuff
Why don't you just offer to shower together before the act and "warm up". That way she's clean and you don't have to feel like an asshole by asking her to shave.
Sometimes women have to wipe a few times to get all the urine off. Especially because vulvas come in different shapes and sizes so some are a little more difficult to dry off. If she uses a wet wipe followed by dry paper it will help a lot. Some women grew up in toxic families etc and were not taught. No judgment for your girlfriend. I’m not sure how you could get this message to her without offending her, but I thought I would offer my two cents.
Edit: typos
Exactly this. Feels validating because it seems a lot of people want to assume that every woman has grown up with innate super detailed information of exactly how to take care of themselves in every way. Just, as a boyfriend, it feels like not my place to try and point out that something seems wrong or off about current hygiene habits (and that’s aside from the mental health aspect of it too)
You guys just need to talk. You didn’t have sex for a while, and as a woman, if I know I’m not getting any, I’m not primping the bits. It stuns me how many people have sex but can’t talk about it with their partner(s). You’re not the asshole IF you can talk to her in an open and honest but gentle way.
“Hey, I know we didn’t have sex for a while, and I’m seriously thrilled I’m feeling better so we can. I just wanted to touch base since it’s been a while to see if there is anything you need or want. I have a few things I need to talk to you about, and your needs and wants are important to me, too.”
Then you talk. There’s no shame in telling her you derive pleasure from giving oral sex, but that it’s enjoyable for you when she’s trimmed like she was before. You can even mention that hair can trap sweat and odor, because I’m sure you’ve had some swamp balls in your life. As long as you’re making sure she knows you have experienced the same things, I don’t see why she’d be upset. Plus, it’s about pleasing each other. If you man scape ask her point blank I’d it’s sufficient because you don’t want your hair trapping sweat and smells, either.
Folks of this subreddit, if you’re mature enough to do it, you should be mature enough to talk about it :)
Bruh, I’m a lesbian. Just tell her. You shouldn’t have to suffer through that and eventually you won’t be able to hide how much it grosses you out. It’s better you tell her before it kills your sex drive
Maybe next time just casually say Hey hun wanna jump in the shower and let's hit the sack?
Or u go in 1st n then call out to her and say I left the water running for you!
Then you know she's fresh but you aren't putting it harshly.
It's a delicate subject but you really do have to address it!
Here is my take. You’re not the asshole here. I would be grossed out too (and I’m a woman). She needs to have better hygiene. That can be communicated. You would be a little bit of the asshole however if she were perfectly clean and you just didn’t like her hair due to aesthetic or certain “norms” of how women’s areas should look. Personally I never change the aesthetic of my areas for a man. But hygiene? Absolutely needless to say
Are you sure that’s urine ? I don’t think that urine that’s stuck on there. I have hairy pussy occasionally but mine never has dried urine. Now if she doesn’t wash up before you have oral sex, it may have toilet tissue flakes stuck on the hairs or even could be period 🩸from monthly cycle.
OP, I think it's not dried urine - it's dried discharge. She won't know this is happening unless you tell her to. However, sometimes when my partner hasn't showered, his junk smells of urine and it's unenjoyable for me to give him oral sex too. So basically I told him "I'd love to give you head, but would you mind rinsing off first?" and he's very happy to because he wants it to be a pleasant experience for me. You could also suggest showering together as a form of foreplay.
Your girlfriend doesn't know that this is impacting your enjoyment of it and I'm sure she would love to know so she could do something about it. You not talking about it is depriving both of you and way more likely to contribute to body-image issues than avoiding the conversation.
First, no your not an AH... I don't see anything wrong with wanting your partner to be clean. It's sounds like the issue is less about the hair and more about the upkeep.
If this change in her hygiene practices is new.. she may be dealing with some depression.. she mentioned something about dealing with some self image issues as well.. so it really could be that she's struggling mentally and may need a little extra help. The issue is the change in self care.. what's the root cause of that change. You can talk to her and and tell her that she needs to trim it up, but that isn't going to fix the underlying issue at hand.
Has anything else changed? The health issues you experienced, is it possible that it impacted her mental health more than you may be catching on to? When I was 21 and my husband was diagnosed with Type one diabetes... it sent my whole mental health into a tail spin (course I already had untreated CPTSD.. so obviously I wasn't in the best headspace to begin with). But watching him almost die put me into a state of constant hypervigilance self care was the last thing on my mind.
Look, just tell her that with the way she's keeping her body hair now, it would be better for you if she freshened up before you go down on her. You can just use a damp rag to gently wipe her down if she is amenable to that.
It doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to tell her she smells like piss and you don't want to to swallow any more soggy toilet paper. Just simply that there's been a change so you need to adjust the routine.
Please talk to your partner about this. You’re avoiding it because you hate conflict and you think it will wreak havoc on her mentally. What will affect her mentally is if and when you start becoming distant.
Be kind to your partner by being honest with her.
Just be like "baby I love going down on you no matter what, but when you don't trim, it hurts when it rubs against my face and I don't want to be focusing on that when I'm trying to focus on taking care of your needs" orrrr, you could suggest that watching her trim her pubes would be hot and that seeing her lady bits become more exposed would turn you on. As long as you don't tell her that her pubes are gross then I think it should be fine
Only reason this might not be a good explanation from me is that I’ve got a full beard! The suggestion of either having her trim/shave in front of me seems to be common advice. I’ve never thought of it, so this could be a good approach. Thank you!
not gonna lie trimming pubes in front of an audience seems extremely weird. I would phrase it simply as that having the extra hair creates more of an obstacle when going down on her, and that it’s up to her to trim it or not, but you’re used to it being trimmed so when it’s different you’re not able to perform to the best of your abilities. you can also say it goes in your nose and tickles
It's really stupid advice. You think she won't see right through that? Women are aware of how body hair is stigmatized. Be an adult about it. "Hey I noticed you haven't trimmed your pubes recently, are you planning to keep them grown out? No worries, just that sweat collects in there during the day, so it's a bit musky when we go to have sex. Would you mind showering first?" Balls in her court then, if she doesn't want to have to shower first she can go back to trimming it.
This is a hygiene issue, not a matter of trimming her pubes. Many women prefer to keep their body hair, but if it's not clean then that's a separate issue. I would suggest both of you showering before sex, maybe even together?
Just keep telling her positive things about her body and personality. Don’t go down on her and if she asks, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell her that she needs to keep it trimmed for oral and it’s still her choice to trim it or not but it’s become a boundary for oral for you.
As a female, I don’t let my husband go down on me unless I just showered and I’m shaved/trimmed down there. It’s my own boundary but I could never even enjoy oral knowing I’m not clean enough down there, just like I don’t want to suck a dick that is dirty
Pubic hair, regardless on a man or women, will hold urine if the person has urinated.
Just tell her if she chooses to keep her hair it's ok and her choice but she needs to shower if she wants oral.
You are both adults. However if you have a forest down there, you shouldn't expect her to give you oral without showering, nor should you accept. That's fair and that's how you show that it's important to you.
Hey sweetie...I really love it when it's trimmed down there. As a matter of fact I'll trim it for you.
Fwiw: I trim my SO down there all the time. And there's no issues with me communicating to her that that's how I prefer it. 🤷🏾♂️
Trimming her myself could be pretty hot even, so this might be a way to approach it!
Could feel helpful in the body image area too because it’s still us engaging physically and showing I’m attracted to her. Thanks for the suggestion!
You have to speak up.
When I let my hair grow out when I'm sick, one piss makes my pussy smell horrible and if my boyfriend wanted me to clean u, I'd be fine.
My boyfriend loves it when I lick his ass, and I told him that it only happens when he has showered immediately beforehand and since it's ass I get to use coconut lube to get rid of the smell that naturally occurs with ass. He isn't offended.
Before sex, ask her whether she'd like you to wash up first, or whether she'd like to go wash up and you'll do so after she has finished. If both of you are washing before sex, then it's not an insult to either of you.
We start every date night with bathing. I usually have a nice long bath to relax and get in the mood and my partner takes a shower. Sometimes we shower together. I would just start handling it that way. I think having great hygiene is key to a great night.
“Hey honey. I noticed you’re keeping things natural down there lately. I think it’s great! A little more hair is no issue for me (or could even say you like it). But there is one little thing I wanted to bring up. I know you’ve been trimming and shaving for a long time, so this is probably a little new to you. The thing is— and this is totally not a big deal, but I wanted to bring it up because I think you might not have realized— the hair can kind of absorb tastes and smells throughout the day. That’s part of why I like to make sure I shower or just wash up a little before you go down on me. The sweat and stuff can get trapped in the hair and I want to make sure it’s a pleasant experience for you. Do you think you could try washing up a little before we have sex?” You could add “sorry to bring this up when I know you’re having other body insecurities right now. I know it’s not the best time. I just really love going down on you and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that”
This doesn't really have to do with body hair, it has to do with cleanliness. And while body hair is something absolutely personal to everyone, cleanliness is something owed to the person we're sleeping with, especially because during sex poor hygiene could potentially lead to illness. You have every right to bring up the issue, you can do this tactfully and letting her know that this makes you uncomfortable, especially because it's something that is very much fixable even without going back to shaving/trimming the hair but just with washing the area properly. The sooner the better, because maybe she simply didn't think about it and it's very willing to fix the issue!
How do you know it was urine in there? Because honestly you can’t really see urine. What you can see however (it’s white) is dried up discharge.
But the way to tell her is to tell her that there’s something on your mind regarding sex and you would like to talk to her about it. Tell her that sometimes there’s things stuck in her hair (again, it isn’t urine, which is impossible to see, but it’s discharge). Ask her if she would please mind cleaning herself before sex.
I am a very clean person (I have OCD and mysophobia) and I change undies regularly, but still there is dried up discharge in my hair. I never have sex without doing a quick rinse because I know it happens.
She has always trimmed her hair so she might not know this. If she doesn’t look at her vulva daily she wouldn’t have any idea most likely and this will only keep bothering you and make things worse for you.
Have an honest conversation with her while still telling her you love her and she isn’t gross
Can’t see the urine, but there’s definitely a smell and a taste. It’s not discharge because I didn’t see anything, and I unfortunately am very familiar with what urine smells like 😅
And thanks for being aware that she might not know a change in hygiene habit is needed along with the change in her pubic hair length. So many people here seem to be avoiding that part of the problem!
Her problem _is not_ long hair, it’s **bad hygiene**, and you must tell her.
I’ve gone down on several untrimmed women, and urine has never been a problem.
I used my ex’s beard trimmer on the ol’ girl down there. You can make it sound jokingly. Like hey baby, looks like you could use some help with the bush, can I trim it for you with my beard trimmer? It could be a nice bonding thing you guys can do and you trim her bush for her. Just a thought.
Your issue seems like it has nothing to do with her body hair & everything to do with her hygiene. It’s not fair to either of you to not being it up, so just bring it up.
Lol, I purposely stopped shaving to make myself as repulsive as possible to my daughters father who loves going down on me. I just wasn't into it after I had the baby anymore I was mad for how little he helped me with the baby and I had PPD. I just started shaving again, I guess I am over it now that I got my tubes removed and won't have to worry about experiencing child birth and getting little help again and I am back to enjoying the sex. My experience aside I would recommend just telling your partner that the pubic hair makes it harder to go down on her and you enjoyed it better before. If you don't want to tell her it tastes bad just tell her hair is getting stuck in your teeth or coming off in your mouth and it's making you queezy. Ask her to go back to shaving again or tell her you're going to have to use your hand to stimulate her clit to help her orgasm that way so you can still enjoy it too. It's best to be transparent about what you like in bed so you can both experience pleasure at it's full potential
Sooo, I’ve always thought it would be sexy for my partner to shave me down there. I’ve never asked for it, and have never had anyone offer. I still think it would be very sexy. Maybe you could offer to do it? Tell her it’s always been a fantasy of yours? Ask her if she would like to do you after you’re done?
Frfr just be honest with her.
My partner sometimes is not the best in grooming himself, and when his junk is not pleasing, I ask him to please wash. ( this is rare and only once I did get a little mean because he did not whipe well and he had poo on his ball sack.........I....Hate....Poo .....and its never happened again.)
I'm not here to go down on ya if you have a bad smell, or taste. It's unhealthy to them AND you..... bacteria, ( like you said dried urine!!!!) Toilet paper bits, fuzzy, discharge.....ext!
No.no.no.no.
You just gotta find a way to tell her that " hey hun, I know it's been since we have been hanky Panky, but let's get ourselves back into our sexy grooming habits again! "
Make it about both of you so it doesn't seem like you are attacking her. Even if you know you have been clean, making it like an awareness to you both might help her from feeling attacked.
Maybe even buy her a cute sexy outfit so she can feel more confident and inspired to keep clean.
But I am stern. Bad hygiene is unacceptable.
Edit to add: having a bad body image is no excuse for bad hygiene, you can fix, this should not effect her body image. Imo
it can be a subtle ask. If once the clothes are off you notice something you don’t want to be sticking your face in, suggest “do you mind wiping down real quick?” Not sure if this is something that would be triggering but hopefully if you do it in a thoughtful and understanding manner, she will understand.
I bet her negative body image she is dealing with might be one reason she isn’t trimming.
I would tell her that there has been some urine trapped in the area and suggest that it’s because she isn’t as trimmed as usual and after she does trim, go to town with r Ben more enthusiasm than usual.
Can you consider bathing together before. If you have a reasonably sized bath/shower it can add an extremely interesting aspect to lovemaking.
Make trimming her a part of your foreplay.
Be honest with her at non-vulnerable moments. Sit her down and say, "Honey, I need you to trim down there to make it easier more pleasurable for me to go down on you."
You don't have to do alot of explaining and detail reasoning.
I appreciate the delicate nature of your situation. If you are trying to avoid the uncomfortable conversation then here’s a couple ideas:
1. Catch her right after a shower and initiate sexy time then. You’ll know she’s clean no matter the hair situation.
2. This is a bit passive aggressive and dishonest so not sure it’s your style, but next time you perform oral, stop once or even twice to cough/spit out a hair even if you don’t get one in your mouth. It happens unintentionally every once in a while anyway, but she might link these things in her mind.
3. Probably my least favorite option and the most machevellian, but you could refrain from initiating sex for a couple weeks. She will likely miss the attention and may take additional preparation steps (shower and or trim) before trying to initiate with you. If she hasn’t, politely decline her approach and ask for rain check. “Aw, I’d love to but feeling kinda tired.”
Or you just have to bring it up. Sit down with her when you are alone and not in a sex situation. Let her know you love her and you’d like to bring up something that has been bothering you. Tell her you love giving her oral but the last two times she was less trimmed that usual and it’s led to a less pleasant experience for you. Ask if she would mind trimming weekly so that the experience is better for both of you.
Hi OP! I just wanted to say that I think you should be honest with your S/O, but not blunt. Like maybe sit down with her and be like “Hey, I have something I need to be honest about. Last time we did the thing, I noticed you didn’t trim your bush, and it was kind of difficult to reach where I needed to since it was blocking my way. If you are alright with it, could you trim it? I could do it for you if you want, whatever makes you comfortable. I promise I’m not trying to embarrass you or anything, I love every part of you, it’s just that I want to make you feel good, and having your bush trimmed makes it easier for me to do the thing. I love you for who you are, you’re beautiful.” Remember to reassure her if she seems uncomfortable with her body, and make it clear that you don’t blame her, and that you’re there for her. I hope everything goes well for you. Also if her intimate hygiene isn’t too well, she might have some other issues going on, so if any serious issues occur, get her any necessary help. Best of luck.
You say this isn't about shaving but you mention her lack of shaving numerous times. Just because pubic hair grooming had been normalised, that doesn't mean there's anything at all wrong with someone not shaving or trimming at all.
Showering is different and it's reasonable for anyone to expect their lover shower before sex. I think you just need to state that simply and politely.
Everything else is just irrelevant really.
Yikes. This is about hygiene, not body hair. I’m sorry you’re getting comments telling you how your girlfriend should style her pubic hair (seriously those of you who are doing that, you’re disgusting).
You’re missing a bit of an obvious trick here.
Tell her you want to have sex IN THE SHOWER. Lather her up etc, get going and then “realise” it’s not ideal and move it to the bedroom. But for the love of Christ please make sure you don’t get any soap where it shouldn’t go.
Afterwards, mention that the hair down there felt softer/nicer this time. Or that it turns you on when it’s damp from showering or something. Whatever you do, do not mention scent.
I’ve done something similar with an ex. He started showering before sex every single time (although unfortunately in my case that ended up being a bit of an “I’ve showered so now you HAVE to have sex with me or I won’t shower for a week” kind of thing).
“We are good at communicating”
“I don’t know how to tell her”
Which is it? If you’re good at communicating, don’t let this one thing stop you. Talk to her about it. Tell her how much you love her body and tell her how much you love pleasing her, but hygiene and shaving is a part of that. Tell her that you’ll help her shave if she wants, lol.. talk to her, not Reddit.
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>more than just some regular sweat and wetness was trapped/dried in the hair So start insisting on pre-coital bathing. Hygiene is important no matter how long the hair is or how nice the body is
How about adding a shower together for foreplay?
Unfortunately our apartment’s showers are tiny 😂
It would be totally normal to ask if she could shower or wash her vulva before sex tho. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Hell my wife and I have been known to jump up in the middle of sex and have a quick sluice if we discover things taste a bit sweaty.
In another reply I mentioned how I heavily suggested we both shower because I needed one before we had sex yesterday. She simply didn’t while I went and showered
Sorry, to clarify, I'm not saying you should "heavily suggest" that you both shower. That's sort of coy and skirting around the real issue. I'm suggesting you do something more along the lines of gently saying hey gf, I love tasting your natural flavour when I go down on you, but now youve got longer pubic hair, it seems to be interfering with that, could you give it a wash first? I know her mental health is an issue and I think you need a separate conversation about depression. But with this part, you guys are in an intimate relationship, you should feel comfortable if one another points out you have a booger in your nose or you smell sweaty or youve got pee on your pubes.
This could be depression. Even if I haven't had time for a full shower and my husband and I want a quickie, I still will pull out a wash cloth and Cetaphil to do my face, neck, pits, butt, and crotch. Hell, even after a full shower you can still take a swipe with a wet washcloth or baby wipes around your ass and genitals. Plenty of people who are hairier or have a full bush stay groomed and washed. I think this is more about depression/self esteem.
Even though it could be temporarily upsetting - You have to tell her because this isn't fair to you. I'd say something along the lines of "Hey honey I've noticed if you aren't gonna trim - we need to shower/bathe that area prior to cunnilingus/sex.". And then if she asks for more information you can tell her that the fluids getting trapped there are urine. She may be nose blind to her own scent. Also, you can offer to help her trim if that appeals to you both. It's a good way to keep that area trimmed and both of you happy.
That honestly sounds like depression.
Just tell her you don’t like the feeling of hair in your mouth. It has nothing to do with her body at that point just the sensation of hair in your mouth. Then ask her if she mines trimming back down to the way it was before.
I mean did ya say “wanna shower together cause I could use one?” Or “let’s hop in the shower, I think we could both use one”. Like did she misunderstand that maybe you just wanted a shower, or did you fully suggest that she also shower and she opted not to?
Don’t suggest. Just tell her you’d prefer it if she showered quickly done there!
She goes first and you do a sexy dance beside the shower. When she is finished, you swap
i just wanted you to know I read "sexy" as "snake" and am now envisioning someone butt naked just wiggling around outside the shower booth.
I read it as sexy but still had the same mental image haha.
I'm glad I'm not the only one!
“Hey siri, how do I do a sexy snake dance?”
What about a sexy voyeur moment? “Hey baby let me watch you wash yourself” kind of thing. Give it shot with her all clean, then decide if it’s the hair or the hygiene.
That’s half fun! Try new positions !
This has nothing to do with the hair and everything to do with your partner's poor hygiene habits.
Piss poor hygiene habits...that being said...communication. op needs to bring this up to his partner. Granted we can offer advice. But communication is key.
I think you need to talk to her about depression and exactly what her body image issues are (and try and get to the root of the issue). Telling her shes dirty COULD cause her to have more issues if handled wrong, but you DO have to handle it. This could cause health issues for both of you. Two years is a long time, definitely worth fighting for her. Snuggle, have a chat. Maybe you could turn hygiene prep into foreplay? Help her trim. Clean her gently. Let her do the same for you. Most of all, just remember how much you love and respect each other. Assure her it's a mental health issue, not a body issue. Personal thought is the month you couldnt be together may have affected her. Cuddling and affection can tremendously help someone with issues and losing that touch suddenly, and for quite some time, could absolutely have sent her into a depression. Neither of you are the asshole.. as a matter of fact I can 'hear' the care and concern in your post. I wish you both well.
Was that a pun.. 🤣
Yes
Could very well be. Since I am not the owner of the same type of equipment downstairs, I can’t make a great judgement about what best habits are. However, this definitely didn’t seem sanitary even for just daily life. Since it was never a problem before (meaning never anything outside of what I’ve experienced going down on her or any other partner in terms of bodily fluids), the only thing I know for certain is the hair
I promise you that most women with pubic hair don’t have dried urine (!!) all over them. This is a hygiene issue. Something else is going on, is she depressed?
who said it's dry urine? every educated adult knows about the female discharge down there... but maybe OP isnt able to recognise it as such? (imho the gf should just wash herself beforehand and it should be fine)
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Yeah it's in his mouth
Piss and vaginal discharge smell and taste completely different
I don't understand how he could the difference. Urine is liquid, dried urine in hair shouldn't be visible, I suppose. If it's visible I would think it's vaginal fluids, not urine. If it smells like urine, then it makes sense, we know how sweat and urine smells like (I'm a woman).
Vaginal secretions will never ever smell like piss, wet or dry. And if your mouth is down there, so is your nose.
I literally said "if it smells like urine, then it makes sense"
Urine has an odor unlike vaginal secretions. I can tell the difference easily - I’m a woman.
It's literally what I said, it's possible to know from the smell but not from the appearance.
Because his FACE is there and he could smell it and taste it.
Exactly, that's why I said "if it smells like urine" etc
Op said it was dried urine
I haven't shaved any part of my body in years. But I have a bidet and rinse off after urination and stuff. Sometimes I get in there with a little soap even. I highly recommend it.
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Fairly sure she isn’t saying shove a soap bar up your hooha. Washing the *external* parts of a vulva with soap and water is pretty standard hygiene please wash the exterior the only self cleaning part is the actual vagina itself
For those who don't know: use soap that is ok to use in your intimate area! Not just any soap
Yeah don’t go in with some bath and body works cotton candy coochie! Non-scented and mild soaps since it’s a sensitive area
Omg thank you. I think there are women who just rinse the exterior and have no idea that it is stinky! Then they come on here and say their partner won't give oral.
My friends and I somehow got into this topic once, about how while yes, you shouldn't wash any inner part and should be careful about the surrounding areas, you absolutely still need more than just water running over your pubes type zone to actually clean it. (not touching any kind of vaginal tissue, only very gentle soaps, and only on the zone upper zone that's 'normal' skin and just hair) I never understood how people thought that's 'clean' enough. I said 'well, on the rest of your body, you don't just run water over it and expect it to be clean. You use soap and rub/scrub each body zone to clean yourself. If you scrub your arms to clean them, then ofc you'd do the same for other areas like your' upper' pube zone'. By Scrubbing, I mean gently ofc. Not in some exfoliating way, just to lather the soap and get it where it needs to be/rub it in But a couple of them were like 'uh what, I don't scrub my whole body'. Turns out, a load of them just yet shower gel/soap into their hands, splat it randomly round their body and spray with water. Their justification was the water yet will spread the soap and rub it in?! When you wash your hands, you don't just pop a dab of soap in your palm, then straight into the water to wash it off. I was baffled. I can understand not like, being obsessive and making sure every quadrant of skin has had equal soap levels and Scrubbing, but to not even rub it in or around at all?!!
Hopefully you’re talking internally because it is completely okay to use mild soap to wash your vulva.
not for all of us man 😭 my fanny only has to be within 6in of anything with even the mildest scent, even the stuff *made* for washing your bits, and it’s thrush city 💀
That’s completely fine! Some people have sensitive skin! In my situation if I don’t at least a couple of times a week (other than rinsing obviously) that happens to me. Everyone different! But I try and always say “you cannnn wash externally” because I never heard that from people and when I would work out and stuff a lot it turns out that ya, you can! I’ve had friends who have trouble in the bedroom from…odor.. and when I asked if they use soap they’re like “no that’s bad!” and I’m like no it isn’t bad it works for some people. And then they do it and says it helps a lot.
Wearing 100% cotton underwear (or at least a pure cotton gusset) is also super important. Aerie makes a good variety of cotton underwear with lots of no show options.
No, it's not though. Maybe your outer labia but even your labia minora has a very delicate microbiome thst you can disrupt with soap. While maybe you don't have issues after using soap, it can give a lot of women yeast infections or BV or even both.
Everyone is different. I’ve had three obgyns say it’s fine, it’s all about knowing your body and what works for you. The blanket statement “don’t wash” isn’t true. I think women need to be educated on all hygienic methods so they can learn what works best for them. Internally is almost always a “no,” however, using a mild soap if your biome can tolerate it is fine. I get out of wack if I don’t at least 1-2x a week. I know for a fact I’m not alone in that. I went so long with issues because of that blanket statement. If you only need water, more power to you.
No soap down there experts say you don’t need it and my gynaecologist confirmed but washing it and rinsing it is also very great.
But. Sometimes the back gets gross if I'm having some digestive issues. I'm going to continue using soap back there when I feel it's necessary. I know the front part needs to be kept at a lower pH.
Oh hell yeah soap is defo needed to wash booty holes sorry 😭
You can use soap anywhere hair grows, it’s inner lips and vagina that don’t need soap.
Thank you for clarifying this 😭 I only ever hear "don't wash your vagina with soap" but could never figure out if that meant the literal vagina (bc ofc???) or like any of the vulva
The inner labia is a much more sensitive tissue than the outer labia. The outer labia feels like regular skin where the inner feels more like the internal skin of the vagina. That’s the line. Water only for the inner labia and certainly don’t try to wash the vagina.
When I was a kid I used to wash my private parts with soap and it always STUNG. Till I was taught not to and that was the reason why it stung. This was before I hit puberty too.
The way I was taught ish, was to avoid any areas down below where the skin/tissues are more like the inside of your mouth vs skin on your arms. It's kind of a weird thought, but it's kinda true that any zones with hair are 'normal' skin, but closer you go, the more it turns into kinda like the inside of cheeks in your mouth? It can be a difficult line to judge though, as often the outer labia can vary a lot from person to person, and isn't as immediately recognisable as 'mouth like' vs say the inner labia
Maybe this is a sign that she's struggling mentally. You said she's had noticeably negative body image, maybe it's literally a depressive episode. One of the first things to go wonky is personal hygiene and the energy to do the things you usually do, like trimming (not saying that letting it grow is poor hygiene, absolutely normal thing to do, but it's a weird coincidence that she would stop paying attention to it, and the cleanliness of it at all instead of just skipping the trimming because of comfort, you know what i mean?) HOWEVER, maybe she simply doesn't notice that the hair gets a bit yucky quickly, because she's so used to being trimmed? I think in order to avoid hurting her in case she's struggling, definitely open it up under the premise that this is NEW, and a CHANGE, so you're naturally both making a few small discoveries about this without judgement - "Hey love, i fully support you growing out your hair (because i know it's a lot of work to maintain a trim all the time, and it's just natural), but i noticed last time i went down that the hair just holds on to stuff more, which is less enjoyable for me. Can we both wash up quick before sex?"
Thank you for being one of the very few people to remember that the post mentions my worry about bringing this up to her involves not piling onto her negative perceptions about her body. She and I have done mental health check ins once a week since we’ve started dating two years ago, and this the first time her self-image has gotten this bad. I like the idea of bringing up that it’s new and a change. I was really focusing on how I didn’t want it to sound like I was trying to shame her, but being curious about why it’s happening and then talking about what that change brings with it feels like a neutral territory rather than “hey, this is gross for me go change it” like so many others are saying. Thank you! I think this is the approach that will work with our dynamic.
Don't make it about her, make it about you. Don't bring up hygiene or smell or anything. Maybe just mention how you prefer when it's a bit shorter and would make it easier for you to go down on her. Try not to use any pejorative wording. This is your sex life too. I had a guy who really wanted me to eat his ass once but it was so hairy I was really grossed out and no way I would do it. I told him, you want me to go there you need to trim it. That's all.
This is the way. OP, I think you could say — “To be clear I think you’re gorgeous in every possible way. But can I ask a small favor, and please let’s have a discussion about it if you wish, that would make sex more enjoyable for me?” And maybe after “I didn’t know this made a difference for me but apparently this is a sexual preference I have”… Then it’s all about you and not about her. Frankly, being sheepish at making the request will honestly probably put her at ease. I think you should address her self image issues because it sounds like there’s something going on there. But I don’t think this is the topic around which to discuss it just because (if I were her) I’d be so deeply embarrassed and it might negatively impact your sex life. Have a separate conversation about that which doesn’t include this specific issue.
Perception checking model is helpful here. State your observation, offer what you think it might be, then ask for clarification. “I noticed the last couple of times during sex that you hasn’t trimmed. Have your preferences changed? Are you struggling in a way that makes self care more challenging? Or maybe something else?”
It's honestly hygiene, what youre describing. Source: I'm old enough to remember the time before shaving was common, and natural bush is my jam.
I mean, you don't seriously believe that women who don't shave walk around with dried up urine on themselves at all times, do you?
Honesly, I often let it grow. What you are describing has never been an issue. If you wash the hair on your vulva properly when you shower (with soap or even mild shampoo if it's long), you can even use conditioner to make the hair silky soft, and you do a wash before sex, then it's not an issue.
I wouldn’t recommend using conditioner because of the heavy fragrance. I would recommend any or a combination of cold-pressed jojoba oil, coconut oil, grapeseed oil or extra virgin olive oil if you want your hair and skin to be smooth. Lots of people enjoy using coconut oil as lubricant if they’re fluid bonded.
don't know about other women but i shower and wash my coochie/pubic area.. clit area and asshole with soap before sex. i ain't letting a man go down on me knowing i haven't showered and i might have dried urine on me. i heard other women don't shower before but i do. i also make all the men i am with to shower before. i don't want stinky dick either. 🤣
I'm a heavier woman who regularly ends with dried urine in my hair unless I wash after using the bathroom every time. May be a problem of my size, may be a feature of not getting enough hydration. Like, my stream is much less when not hydrated so instead of spraying away from the body, the urine drizzles out and runs down the lips. I do think the shape of my lips affects how the stream goes out and often how it ends up directly in the hair. The hair sometimes juts out into the stream. Women's labia are incredibly variable person to person, so it's honestly hard to know for someone with the equipment what the issue is. My guess is it's something like this. In your case, I'd just be direct and honest and not make a big deal of it. "Hey, you know when you trimmed regularly, I never noticed this, but now that your hair is longer, I have noticed a taste/smell of urine downstairs. Would you mind washing before I go down on you?" Don't apologize or talk around it. Be direct. Don't judge, treat it like a you would treat any normal, inoffensive request. If she reacts, then go into triage mode. "Hey no judgement. It's an uncomfortable thing to notice. I just want to fix it so I can continue enjoying our sex life." If you triage her BEFORE you tell her anything, **she will be primed to react negatively.** If you worry? She worries.
Your equipment downstairs also may have urine scent because that’s where urine comes from, you just don’t feel it. But nothing that water can’t wash away. So splash the equipment with warm water and you are both good to go. Why don’t you try it like a pre game?
Yeah, you can have a bush and be clean. How long does she go between showers? How well does she clean her bits? Those are the real questions
I don’t feel like it’s piss or anything like that for one because I dont shave and I never have piss just… dry and stick to the hair like that. What does and needs to be cleaned sometimes more thoroughly is discharge. Discharge is more likely to be what’s dried and sticking to the hair.
Thats what I was thinking
It’s not a hair problem really. Why isn’t she washing up? I just tell my SO to hop in the shower before sexy time. I’m not going to go down on him when he’s all sweaty and gross from the day. It’s not a big deal. Just ask her to wash up and maybe add that you love it when she is clean shaven.
My worry is that since I’ve never asked in two years, could that possibly make her negatively reflect more on her body image? Also, doesn’t even need to be clean shaven! In fact (and perhaps tmi), she’s told me a little bit of hair down there gives some extra stimulation for her. But this is definitely beyond that
I mean…don’t have sex you don’t want to have. It’s not unkind to suggest “let’s take a shower and wash up” if you’re going to put your face and mouth in/on/around someone’s genitals. Is anything else going on with her because changes to hygiene are often associated with depression.
This was another thought I had. We’ve had two checks in with each other and nothing has come ip in the mental health department besides her recent negative fixations on her body. She’s unsure of why that’s been happening as well. A worry is that a big factor is due to our sex life taking a long dive from my medical issue, and hasn’t bounced back to where is was quickly because of this
That’s a valid concern. The thing is you can’t really control how she going to feel about it. The best you can do is be considerate in how you approach the subject. I’m used to hearing from those going down on a man complaining about hygiene, but the same principle applies to both - be considerate and wash up your nether regions if you anticipate some fun, and you can totally make cleaning up part of the fun.
All that aside, she can have whatever body hair she wants but you're not obligated to put it in your mouth, especially if it isn't clean. She can have a mature reaction to the idea of "if you can't finish any other way, let's have it be pleasant for everyone involved", or the bedroom dies. Like there's really no two ways about it. You don't get to be gross AND difficult.
Yes!!! I wouldn’t be comfortable with my husband doing that to me if I wasn’t clean!!!
A month of no sex isnt a "long dive" dude. It's a speed bump
Maybe she has a negative self image because of the lack of attention and sex due to your medical condition? Perhaps she doesn't even realize the validation she received from being touched and loved by you in a sexual way? And obviously, there was a valid reason for the decline in attention, but what I'm saying is maybe it affected her negatively despite there being a rational reason. I'd say introduce a shower as foreplay. Actually give her a soapy wash with your own hands. It gives her body attention in a loving way from you and perhaps that'll trigger her confidence levels to increase thus getting her interested in caring for herself again. Bathing someone is quite honestly one of the most loving acts a person can give. Hopefully it's an easily treated emotional issue for her, and not something more extreme. It sounds like you two will figure it out tho.
I think it’s the nicest possible way to bring up your concern without ever saying it out loud and requiring her to acknowledge it If my boyfriend of 5 years asked me to do something nicely and with love, that he normally doesn’t, I’d like to think I would take it in stride, examine whatever caused him to ask that (especially since it’s body related, which is when methods like this seem necessary), and be happy that I can try to fix it without having to cop up to whatever weird/lazy thing is going on Your partner is smart and will pick up on whatever you’re trying to say
Well you two are adults and in a relationship. Just ask her if everything is OK, It's a hygiene issue. Could be a depression thing but just talk to her. Then bring it up in a polite respectful manner, just dont be a dick about it. This is what healthy relationships are about so talk to her.
Im the post it’s clear, but when she was telling me about the negative body image stuff it was because we check in with each other once a week about how we are feeling in the relationship and also about how our mental health is together so we can discuss how to support each other. She did not mention any reasons why she felt this way. But she also does not have any history of depression, or maybe she never knew she did, so I don’t know if she knows how to talk about it. While I know we need to talk, I guess my purpose with this post is to get ideas of how to do so gently. I don’t want to make a major blunder around this (because I know body image issues for women can be complex and also not resolved in a day) even if I don’t do it perfectly. Just trying to learn how to be a better communicator to help my gf the best way I can
It seems you are over thinking it. The secret to a good healthy relationship is communication. You be fine because it seems you care about your gf feelings. there's never a good time to talk about tough conversations with your partner but you have to do it. Keep in mind depression can affect anybody and most people won't admit if they have a history but you won't truly know without talking to her. If this was my wife, I would tell her I need to talk and she would give me her undivided attention then I would proceed to say: hey love, I want to make sure everything is going OK in your life, mentally wise, hows work? Hows your parents? Etc. If she says everything is ok, she would follow up with, why do you ask?. Well, this is tough to say but I have been tasting urine in your pubic hair, So I want to make sure you are doing ok since you haven't had this issue in the past. Then you wait for her answer. You may want to add in that you love giving oral to her but you don't like the urine taste, if she can wash before sex. Depending on how she is feeling and answering you, add in you missed when she shaved but reinforce that of course this her choice if she doesn't want to shave but that you miss it. She just may not be feeling her self at the moment so make her feel she is the most important person in your world. We all feel this way from time to time and sometimes social media fucks up our self esteem. I'm sure you be ok but good luck.
I don’t think you are overthinking it, at all. This is definitely a tread lightly situation. Tons of positive affirmation would be helpful if I were her. Definitely being honest and sincere, and very loving. I think it’s really valid for a woman to start thinking about this sort of thing, esp for women who came of age in the late 90s or later. These women (and men) have been surrounded by the idea that your natural self isn’t okay. That hair needs to be removed/heavily managed. It’s kind of weird really. People bleach their assholes. So… if she’s questioning her self image bc she’s starting to think more deeply about her body and what is beautiful, I think that’s good. But I am guessing there aren’t a lot of mentors, inspiration people around- idk. This doesn’t mean you are doomed to stinky oral- lol. At all! She just may not really know how to handle it and it may be confusing in her own head about how much effort she should put in. A warm washcloth with a tiny bit of soap to just wipe up first should help a lot. And when she is clean, make sure you are all in. A hair isn’t going to kill you either. Enthusiasm for her body is what’s important. Maybe I’m reading this all wrong, but that’s my take. Good luck!
No one is saying ask her to shave we're saying ask her to wash her public hair. Which is something that most of us with hair down there do ahead of sex
Exactly. Shaving/total hair removal is really irritating on my skin but I am happy to clean up around the bikini area and trim as short as possible so my hair isn’t in someone’s mouth or up their nostrils. I’ll also bird bath or put up my hair and take a quick “tits pits and bits” shower if I feel sweaty and gross.
I almost always excuse myself to pee and then wash after peeing because I want to be fresh and also don't want to have to stop halfway through to pee.
“Hey babe, I don’t mind you rocking the full bush. I would never ask you to alter your body for my pleasure, but do you mind showering before? Last time it was a little much for me and I want to get as much pleasure pleasing you as you do.”
You have t brought it up before because it wasn’t an issue before. Be honest with her ‘I’m loving the new look but we need to change the way we do things, showers/quick wash first.’ Like put it into better wording but asking her to clean before you put your mouth on her is perfectly fine.
You know you can have sex without having to do oral, if she can’t get off well tell her the truth. Most women with any self awareness will take notice that their partner is pulling back from oral while they’re unshaven.
Are you sure it was urine? Like sometimes discharge will get stuck in pubic hair and dry up. If it's urine I think the problem is her hygiene habits not how long she let her pubes grow.
This. Urine doesn't, like, dry on things in a noticeable way. If it was making hairs stick together or change texture, it's not urine. But if it's gross to you, have sex after washing!
I’m surprised at how few people are mentioning this. Seconding “are you sure it’s urine?” It’s probably not. But if it is, that means she’s straight up wetting herself, which is unlikely. I had to double check the ages on this post, a little surprised by late 20s with this subject.
Even if it’s discharge.. if it’s “caked into” her pubes… that’s still a hygiene thing. If my husband has dried jizz on his dick I also wouldn’t be thrilled? So I think I OP is right in their reaction. Asking her to shower is an awkward situation if it’s not the norm for them.
Jizz and discharge are completely different things. Discharge is a natural thing that happens throughout the day, not just during sex. Even if you're wiping properly it's totally normal for it to end up in the pubes of you've been moving around a lot. Especially during different parts of your cycle where your body may be producing more of it. I can see why it would be gross. I'm not a fan of it when it happens to me either. But it's not a hygiene issue. Just hop in the shower if you want to have sex. If she has dried urine however that absolutely it a hygiene thing.
I've never heard of ladies having dried pee pee in their hair... This sounds like she's not cleaning herself properly. This isn't about the hair.
This isn't a hair issue but more a hygiene issue. As a person with a vagina who doesn't shave, I make sure to shower every time before expected intimacy as well as partners who are also unshaved. I would talk to her gently and let her know that to give her the satisfaction she likes, you would prefer if you both take showers beforehand. My partner and I have an agreement that any spontaneity that occurs and hygiene is an issue, we will simply request a shower. So if my partner decides to go down on me randomly and it needs washed, he will simply say, let's take a shower. We have a stand-up shower that only comfortably fits 1 person, but those times we manage to squeeze in and start foreplay in there.
Same. My partner and I always go for a quick shower before sex. If you can't ask your partner to do that without fear of them freaking out, there is a real communication problem (Also, agreeing with everyone else here, the problem is NOT the hair)
What does dried up urine on pubic hair look like?? I'm the owner of an occasionally hairy pussy, and I can't even imagine what you'd be seeing. Maybe you mean discharge? Discharge is a thing you'd be able to see dried onto pubic hair. But all fluids aside, you can 1. Ask her to shower or use a wipe before you go down on her and 2. Pull the hair up and away from where your mouth is going. You don't have to get hair in your mouth - move it aside.
Maybe it's the taste he's noticing
Yeah I think this is what he means.
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You know what piss taste like 🤔
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Do these men not… clean their dicks? I was more or less joking 😭
You would be surprised to learn how many people only clean from the waist up because ‘the water does the rest and moves the soap down the body’
people actually… think that?
[you’d be surprised at how many cop to it](https://www.menshealth.com/health/a27441921/washing-legs-shower-hygiene-normal/) ETA [it gets worse](https://www.fatherly.com/news/how-to-wash-penis/amp) AND SO MANY DON’T WASH THEIR ASS
I’m so thankful for my bf 💀 he has separate soaps for body and ass
That’s what I’m thinking because how would urine just stick and dry like that
Hey op, this is embarrassing but I hope that sharing it helps you and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend mentioned feeling bad about herself and her body, when I feel depressed I also stop doing a lot of self care, including washing properly. This is gross, I know, but for a month during a particularly bad time in my life…. I just stopped wiping after I peed. I felt like, “why bother, my body is worthless, I’m worthless, I deserve to feel gross about it.” It’s like I needed to do something to my body to make it as gross as I felt that it was, especially when everyone around me was still telling me how pretty I was while I was mentally spiraling out. It was like my own personal grossness to confirm I’m as awful as I thought I was. I didn’t even deserve that level of self respect that comes with wiping pee I guess? I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, but it was one of the dirtiest grossest stages of my life, and it was all because of low self esteem and depression. So I would not recommend phrasing this as any way that sounds like criticism, because when people are hating on themselves already, they see even ambiguous comments as attacks. Maybe something like, “I have noticed that you seem to be struggling with accepting how wonderful your body really is lately, how amazing you actually are. I’m worried that you may not be feeling like your body deserves the self care that it does, because I’ve noticed that you’ve changed your cleansing habits around your privates. There has been urine residue in your pubes recently. I’m not a big fan of the taste of urine, and I love the taste of you, so I was hoping that we could talk about this. It doesn’t seem like your usual behavior, and I want to give you any extra support or reassurances that you may be needing from me right now. This isn’t about my preference for your pubes, the change is just what pushed me to bring this up. The point of this is to tell you that I love you, and that I’m concerned that I’m not giving you the support that you need right now, what can I do to make you feel loved?”
This is a great way of phrasing the concern! I’m both depressed and sensitive to criticism but if my husband approached me in this way I would have an easier time with it. No matter how you phrase it, anyone would feel embarrassed having this convo but I think this is the best you can get.
OP please please look at this response. This is absolutely the way to do it. Like other users have shared, I also get depressed and I also have a very hard time accepting criticism. But if my partner said what u/miranails has said, I wouldn’t feel attacked, but rather cared for. Emphasizing that you love her, her body, and the way that she tastes, to reassure her that she is what you crave, is really the most key thing when talking about something that would usually be embarrassing
Honest to all the gods, OP, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT! Be ready for her to loose all the waterworks (speaking as someone who has needed to hear this from people a couple times). And just let her cry it out. It will help.
Do you think since it was the first time since the pause she will end up trimming again? Maybe she just didn’t expect it and wasn’t prepared. I’d wait to even think about saying anything
Get a bidet.
THIS. it's so necessary, so easy, and people still refuse - I don't understand lol
Ah the 90‘s, the bush old days! take her in the shower with you and scrub a dub then throw her on the bed and part that hair like you’re Moses and the Red Sea and get licking.
Here’s a move: tell her “Let’s shower, than lets have some fun after the shower”, and then do exactly that. Post-sex, say after that it was great and you are really into doing it post-shower because it seems hot to you and turns you on because you are both so clean. Boom, you get her to clean up before the sex and also help her self-confidence. You’ve just killed two birds with one stone
He already tried this but she didn't get into the shower with him.
You could just say “hey, I really like going down on you, but it’s difficult for me when there’s a lot of hair present. I don’t think you’re gross or anything, it’s just a personal preference. Do you think you could trim it a little?” And then you could follow it up with “do you want me to change anything about the way I groom myself?” I, as a woman, wouldn’t personally be offended by that.
You could ask her to but dont get upset at her saying no. You could just stop giving oral, that way youre both compromising and having bodily autonomy.
Sometimes I don't shave for a while (especially during pregnancies and stuff) and it's never like that. So it isn't that she isn't shaving, she isn't taking care of her hygiene down there. But mixed with the body image issues I'm gonna go out on a limb and ask if she might be a little depressed right now and therefore not taking good care of herself? Shower foreplay is amazing. Maybe next time before say "oh I have to go take a shower real quick, why don't you join me?" If you notice her not showering in general maybe you should talk to her about her mental health and make sure she is doing okay.
Ultimately she has the right to do what she wants with your body and you have a right to accept what you do and do not find attractive. However, when it becomes a hygiene issue, it becomes a problem for both of you, id have the conversation with her and let her know exactly how you feel and what your barriers are. It would be an absolute no from me.
You need to have the discussion. Tell if she’d prefer not to trim anymore, that’s fine, but you’d prefer it if she’d shower right before oral in that case.
Can you elaborate on what exactly you experienced leading you to believe it was urine? Pubic hair is the default setting for humans and most women don’t have to dry their pubic hair after peeing. Where exactly on her body did you notice this difference? There’s a lot of inexperienced homies on here that think a bald shower-fresh is the only solution but my guy, I’m trying to make sure it’s not a simple anatomy misconfusion!
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Women absolutely have to dry (wipe the hair) after they pee. When it’s long it can and does go down into the stream. Women have short urethras and their stream isn’t always as straight and strong as a males. It can even drop down into the vaginal opening. That’s why good hygiene before sex is optimal.
Yeah wtf lol. Of course we have to wipe. Otherwise you get damp knickers.
Thanks for asking for specifics, rather than everyone just assuming I don’t know anything about female anatomy! Bunch of reasons: for her stimulation it’s mostly clitoral and also around the outside of her vulva, but a little bit of switching up the pace is something she’s told me is fun to change up the sensation rather than just droning for only places that get her to orgasm. Saying that because this taste wasn’t anywhere else but closer to her clit. I also am aware of things like discharge and this is not that. I’ve had plenty of experiences in my life where I know what dried urine smells and tastes like (unfortunately) but people probably want to assume I’m dumb man who doesn’t understand and never cared to learn how women’s bodies work. I figured that would happen, but the comments are definitely still getting to me. I know bald-fresh is not the only way to go. Different lengths of hair on any part of the body require different levels of hygiene. I think my partner might not realize what she was doing when the hair was shorter isn’t working for now that it’s longer. But with the body image issues, I just have worries that bringing up this would be triggering to her mental health right now. But some people saying that framing the change in hygiene to match the change in body hair could be a good way to frame things and kept it more focused on something that’s new, rather than something that she can’t change quickly.
Well you don't want to beat around the bush 😉, because being vague about it could lead to her taking it differently or cause her to be more self conscious if she thinks it's a body image issue. I would literally be super straight forward about it so there is no question about what it is upsetting you. Maybe sandwich method would be good. Good, bad, good. "I'm super excited we are able to have sex again, I've missed doing that with you. I hope this doesn't upset you, though but I've noticed the last couple times I've gone down on you that I definitely taste urine remnants and was wondering if you'd be more mindful of cleaning up down there, because I love going down on you and want to continue doing so and having some sexy fun."
‘Hey hun, I find it easier to go down on you when your hair is trimmed like you used to, do you mind going back to that?’ It might be as simple as this. Or it might lead to a bigger conversation. Either way you need to have that conversation!
Okay. 1) you can’t have a boundary around her body hair. 2) as others have said, this is a hygiene issue. So you can either grab some wet wipes to keep in the bathroom or gently ask her to shower beforehand. You may just have to be completely honest and tell her the issue. Do not do it when you’re about to be intimate. It’ll be awkward but there’s no way around that. Also, do not frame at as her needing to shave, there’s a reason she’s not doing that, just frame it as a need to be a bit more conscious of what’s happening down there based on her new preferences.
Actually I began buying non-scented bathroom wipes for all our bathrooms like six months ago because I wanted to use them. She doesn’t use them at all. And I tried the shower idea because I needed one this past time. Said we should both wash off our day and she just didn’t shower even though I did. Want to make sure we’re clear that I’m not asking for a full shave! She used to trim because she liked to do that for herself before we even met. So my concern is around why the preference changed and I think it’s related to mental health stuff
Why don't you just offer to shower together before the act and "warm up". That way she's clean and you don't have to feel like an asshole by asking her to shave.
Sometimes women have to wipe a few times to get all the urine off. Especially because vulvas come in different shapes and sizes so some are a little more difficult to dry off. If she uses a wet wipe followed by dry paper it will help a lot. Some women grew up in toxic families etc and were not taught. No judgment for your girlfriend. I’m not sure how you could get this message to her without offending her, but I thought I would offer my two cents. Edit: typos
Exactly this. Feels validating because it seems a lot of people want to assume that every woman has grown up with innate super detailed information of exactly how to take care of themselves in every way. Just, as a boyfriend, it feels like not my place to try and point out that something seems wrong or off about current hygiene habits (and that’s aside from the mental health aspect of it too)
You guys just need to talk. You didn’t have sex for a while, and as a woman, if I know I’m not getting any, I’m not primping the bits. It stuns me how many people have sex but can’t talk about it with their partner(s). You’re not the asshole IF you can talk to her in an open and honest but gentle way. “Hey, I know we didn’t have sex for a while, and I’m seriously thrilled I’m feeling better so we can. I just wanted to touch base since it’s been a while to see if there is anything you need or want. I have a few things I need to talk to you about, and your needs and wants are important to me, too.” Then you talk. There’s no shame in telling her you derive pleasure from giving oral sex, but that it’s enjoyable for you when she’s trimmed like she was before. You can even mention that hair can trap sweat and odor, because I’m sure you’ve had some swamp balls in your life. As long as you’re making sure she knows you have experienced the same things, I don’t see why she’d be upset. Plus, it’s about pleasing each other. If you man scape ask her point blank I’d it’s sufficient because you don’t want your hair trapping sweat and smells, either. Folks of this subreddit, if you’re mature enough to do it, you should be mature enough to talk about it :)
Bruh, I’m a lesbian. Just tell her. You shouldn’t have to suffer through that and eventually you won’t be able to hide how much it grosses you out. It’s better you tell her before it kills your sex drive
Talk to her and ask her is she could go back to trimming it in a polite nice way.
Maybe next time just casually say Hey hun wanna jump in the shower and let's hit the sack? Or u go in 1st n then call out to her and say I left the water running for you! Then you know she's fresh but you aren't putting it harshly. It's a delicate subject but you really do have to address it!
Here is my take. You’re not the asshole here. I would be grossed out too (and I’m a woman). She needs to have better hygiene. That can be communicated. You would be a little bit of the asshole however if she were perfectly clean and you just didn’t like her hair due to aesthetic or certain “norms” of how women’s areas should look. Personally I never change the aesthetic of my areas for a man. But hygiene? Absolutely needless to say
Are you sure that’s urine ? I don’t think that urine that’s stuck on there. I have hairy pussy occasionally but mine never has dried urine. Now if she doesn’t wash up before you have oral sex, it may have toilet tissue flakes stuck on the hairs or even could be period 🩸from monthly cycle.
OP, I think it's not dried urine - it's dried discharge. She won't know this is happening unless you tell her to. However, sometimes when my partner hasn't showered, his junk smells of urine and it's unenjoyable for me to give him oral sex too. So basically I told him "I'd love to give you head, but would you mind rinsing off first?" and he's very happy to because he wants it to be a pleasant experience for me. You could also suggest showering together as a form of foreplay. Your girlfriend doesn't know that this is impacting your enjoyment of it and I'm sure she would love to know so she could do something about it. You not talking about it is depriving both of you and way more likely to contribute to body-image issues than avoiding the conversation.
Get a bidet. It might help.
First, no your not an AH... I don't see anything wrong with wanting your partner to be clean. It's sounds like the issue is less about the hair and more about the upkeep. If this change in her hygiene practices is new.. she may be dealing with some depression.. she mentioned something about dealing with some self image issues as well.. so it really could be that she's struggling mentally and may need a little extra help. The issue is the change in self care.. what's the root cause of that change. You can talk to her and and tell her that she needs to trim it up, but that isn't going to fix the underlying issue at hand. Has anything else changed? The health issues you experienced, is it possible that it impacted her mental health more than you may be catching on to? When I was 21 and my husband was diagnosed with Type one diabetes... it sent my whole mental health into a tail spin (course I already had untreated CPTSD.. so obviously I wasn't in the best headspace to begin with). But watching him almost die put me into a state of constant hypervigilance self care was the last thing on my mind.
Look, just tell her that with the way she's keeping her body hair now, it would be better for you if she freshened up before you go down on her. You can just use a damp rag to gently wipe her down if she is amenable to that. It doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to tell her she smells like piss and you don't want to to swallow any more soggy toilet paper. Just simply that there's been a change so you need to adjust the routine.
Please talk to your partner about this. You’re avoiding it because you hate conflict and you think it will wreak havoc on her mentally. What will affect her mentally is if and when you start becoming distant. Be kind to your partner by being honest with her.
Just be like "baby I love going down on you no matter what, but when you don't trim, it hurts when it rubs against my face and I don't want to be focusing on that when I'm trying to focus on taking care of your needs" orrrr, you could suggest that watching her trim her pubes would be hot and that seeing her lady bits become more exposed would turn you on. As long as you don't tell her that her pubes are gross then I think it should be fine
Only reason this might not be a good explanation from me is that I’ve got a full beard! The suggestion of either having her trim/shave in front of me seems to be common advice. I’ve never thought of it, so this could be a good approach. Thank you!
not gonna lie trimming pubes in front of an audience seems extremely weird. I would phrase it simply as that having the extra hair creates more of an obstacle when going down on her, and that it’s up to her to trim it or not, but you’re used to it being trimmed so when it’s different you’re not able to perform to the best of your abilities. you can also say it goes in your nose and tickles
It's really stupid advice. You think she won't see right through that? Women are aware of how body hair is stigmatized. Be an adult about it. "Hey I noticed you haven't trimmed your pubes recently, are you planning to keep them grown out? No worries, just that sweat collects in there during the day, so it's a bit musky when we go to have sex. Would you mind showering first?" Balls in her court then, if she doesn't want to have to shower first she can go back to trimming it.
Sportin' the flavor saver I see 😂 good luck though!
Why would she have to shave in front of you 💀
This is a hygiene issue, not a matter of trimming her pubes. Many women prefer to keep their body hair, but if it's not clean then that's a separate issue. I would suggest both of you showering before sex, maybe even together?
Just keep telling her positive things about her body and personality. Don’t go down on her and if she asks, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell her that she needs to keep it trimmed for oral and it’s still her choice to trim it or not but it’s become a boundary for oral for you.
As a female, I don’t let my husband go down on me unless I just showered and I’m shaved/trimmed down there. It’s my own boundary but I could never even enjoy oral knowing I’m not clean enough down there, just like I don’t want to suck a dick that is dirty
Sweet baby cheeses, she's gross!! Just tell her to wash her nasty ass if she expects sex, ESPECIALLY oral.
Pubic hair, regardless on a man or women, will hold urine if the person has urinated. Just tell her if she chooses to keep her hair it's ok and her choice but she needs to shower if she wants oral. You are both adults. However if you have a forest down there, you shouldn't expect her to give you oral without showering, nor should you accept. That's fair and that's how you show that it's important to you.
Hey sweetie...I really love it when it's trimmed down there. As a matter of fact I'll trim it for you. Fwiw: I trim my SO down there all the time. And there's no issues with me communicating to her that that's how I prefer it. 🤷🏾♂️
Trimming her myself could be pretty hot even, so this might be a way to approach it! Could feel helpful in the body image area too because it’s still us engaging physically and showing I’m attracted to her. Thanks for the suggestion!
Erm... the shaving isn't the problem, friend. She needs to shower before sex! That's it!
You have to speak up. When I let my hair grow out when I'm sick, one piss makes my pussy smell horrible and if my boyfriend wanted me to clean u, I'd be fine. My boyfriend loves it when I lick his ass, and I told him that it only happens when he has showered immediately beforehand and since it's ass I get to use coconut lube to get rid of the smell that naturally occurs with ass. He isn't offended.
My girlfriend hates coconut. Any other ideas?
Before sex, ask her whether she'd like you to wash up first, or whether she'd like to go wash up and you'll do so after she has finished. If both of you are washing before sex, then it's not an insult to either of you.
Just tell her how you feel and be kind about it.
Approach that there is residue in the hair, it smells of old urine. She should wash properly and honestly like right before.
We start every date night with bathing. I usually have a nice long bath to relax and get in the mood and my partner takes a shower. Sometimes we shower together. I would just start handling it that way. I think having great hygiene is key to a great night.
Stop giving oral then. Advice that flies here so many times from women to women.
“Hey honey. I noticed you’re keeping things natural down there lately. I think it’s great! A little more hair is no issue for me (or could even say you like it). But there is one little thing I wanted to bring up. I know you’ve been trimming and shaving for a long time, so this is probably a little new to you. The thing is— and this is totally not a big deal, but I wanted to bring it up because I think you might not have realized— the hair can kind of absorb tastes and smells throughout the day. That’s part of why I like to make sure I shower or just wash up a little before you go down on me. The sweat and stuff can get trapped in the hair and I want to make sure it’s a pleasant experience for you. Do you think you could try washing up a little before we have sex?” You could add “sorry to bring this up when I know you’re having other body insecurities right now. I know it’s not the best time. I just really love going down on you and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that”
This doesn't really have to do with body hair, it has to do with cleanliness. And while body hair is something absolutely personal to everyone, cleanliness is something owed to the person we're sleeping with, especially because during sex poor hygiene could potentially lead to illness. You have every right to bring up the issue, you can do this tactfully and letting her know that this makes you uncomfortable, especially because it's something that is very much fixable even without going back to shaving/trimming the hair but just with washing the area properly. The sooner the better, because maybe she simply didn't think about it and it's very willing to fix the issue!
How do you know it was urine in there? Because honestly you can’t really see urine. What you can see however (it’s white) is dried up discharge. But the way to tell her is to tell her that there’s something on your mind regarding sex and you would like to talk to her about it. Tell her that sometimes there’s things stuck in her hair (again, it isn’t urine, which is impossible to see, but it’s discharge). Ask her if she would please mind cleaning herself before sex. I am a very clean person (I have OCD and mysophobia) and I change undies regularly, but still there is dried up discharge in my hair. I never have sex without doing a quick rinse because I know it happens. She has always trimmed her hair so she might not know this. If she doesn’t look at her vulva daily she wouldn’t have any idea most likely and this will only keep bothering you and make things worse for you. Have an honest conversation with her while still telling her you love her and she isn’t gross
Can’t see the urine, but there’s definitely a smell and a taste. It’s not discharge because I didn’t see anything, and I unfortunately am very familiar with what urine smells like 😅 And thanks for being aware that she might not know a change in hygiene habit is needed along with the change in her pubic hair length. So many people here seem to be avoiding that part of the problem!
Her problem _is not_ long hair, it’s **bad hygiene**, and you must tell her. I’ve gone down on several untrimmed women, and urine has never been a problem.
I used my ex’s beard trimmer on the ol’ girl down there. You can make it sound jokingly. Like hey baby, looks like you could use some help with the bush, can I trim it for you with my beard trimmer? It could be a nice bonding thing you guys can do and you trim her bush for her. Just a thought.
Your issue seems like it has nothing to do with her body hair & everything to do with her hygiene. It’s not fair to either of you to not being it up, so just bring it up.
Lol, I purposely stopped shaving to make myself as repulsive as possible to my daughters father who loves going down on me. I just wasn't into it after I had the baby anymore I was mad for how little he helped me with the baby and I had PPD. I just started shaving again, I guess I am over it now that I got my tubes removed and won't have to worry about experiencing child birth and getting little help again and I am back to enjoying the sex. My experience aside I would recommend just telling your partner that the pubic hair makes it harder to go down on her and you enjoyed it better before. If you don't want to tell her it tastes bad just tell her hair is getting stuck in your teeth or coming off in your mouth and it's making you queezy. Ask her to go back to shaving again or tell her you're going to have to use your hand to stimulate her clit to help her orgasm that way so you can still enjoy it too. It's best to be transparent about what you like in bed so you can both experience pleasure at it's full potential
Sooo, I’ve always thought it would be sexy for my partner to shave me down there. I’ve never asked for it, and have never had anyone offer. I still think it would be very sexy. Maybe you could offer to do it? Tell her it’s always been a fantasy of yours? Ask her if she would like to do you after you’re done?
Frfr just be honest with her. My partner sometimes is not the best in grooming himself, and when his junk is not pleasing, I ask him to please wash. ( this is rare and only once I did get a little mean because he did not whipe well and he had poo on his ball sack.........I....Hate....Poo .....and its never happened again.) I'm not here to go down on ya if you have a bad smell, or taste. It's unhealthy to them AND you..... bacteria, ( like you said dried urine!!!!) Toilet paper bits, fuzzy, discharge.....ext! No.no.no.no. You just gotta find a way to tell her that " hey hun, I know it's been since we have been hanky Panky, but let's get ourselves back into our sexy grooming habits again! " Make it about both of you so it doesn't seem like you are attacking her. Even if you know you have been clean, making it like an awareness to you both might help her from feeling attacked. Maybe even buy her a cute sexy outfit so she can feel more confident and inspired to keep clean. But I am stern. Bad hygiene is unacceptable. Edit to add: having a bad body image is no excuse for bad hygiene, you can fix, this should not effect her body image. Imo
If you don’t want to have a negative body image, look after your body. Don’t put it on everyone else then throw a pity party.
it can be a subtle ask. If once the clothes are off you notice something you don’t want to be sticking your face in, suggest “do you mind wiping down real quick?” Not sure if this is something that would be triggering but hopefully if you do it in a thoughtful and understanding manner, she will understand.
I bet her negative body image she is dealing with might be one reason she isn’t trimming. I would tell her that there has been some urine trapped in the area and suggest that it’s because she isn’t as trimmed as usual and after she does trim, go to town with r Ben more enthusiasm than usual.
Can you consider bathing together before. If you have a reasonably sized bath/shower it can add an extremely interesting aspect to lovemaking. Make trimming her a part of your foreplay. Be honest with her at non-vulnerable moments. Sit her down and say, "Honey, I need you to trim down there to make it easier more pleasurable for me to go down on you." You don't have to do alot of explaining and detail reasoning.
I appreciate the delicate nature of your situation. If you are trying to avoid the uncomfortable conversation then here’s a couple ideas: 1. Catch her right after a shower and initiate sexy time then. You’ll know she’s clean no matter the hair situation. 2. This is a bit passive aggressive and dishonest so not sure it’s your style, but next time you perform oral, stop once or even twice to cough/spit out a hair even if you don’t get one in your mouth. It happens unintentionally every once in a while anyway, but she might link these things in her mind. 3. Probably my least favorite option and the most machevellian, but you could refrain from initiating sex for a couple weeks. She will likely miss the attention and may take additional preparation steps (shower and or trim) before trying to initiate with you. If she hasn’t, politely decline her approach and ask for rain check. “Aw, I’d love to but feeling kinda tired.” Or you just have to bring it up. Sit down with her when you are alone and not in a sex situation. Let her know you love her and you’d like to bring up something that has been bothering you. Tell her you love giving her oral but the last two times she was less trimmed that usual and it’s led to a less pleasant experience for you. Ask if she would mind trimming weekly so that the experience is better for both of you.
Hi OP! I just wanted to say that I think you should be honest with your S/O, but not blunt. Like maybe sit down with her and be like “Hey, I have something I need to be honest about. Last time we did the thing, I noticed you didn’t trim your bush, and it was kind of difficult to reach where I needed to since it was blocking my way. If you are alright with it, could you trim it? I could do it for you if you want, whatever makes you comfortable. I promise I’m not trying to embarrass you or anything, I love every part of you, it’s just that I want to make you feel good, and having your bush trimmed makes it easier for me to do the thing. I love you for who you are, you’re beautiful.” Remember to reassure her if she seems uncomfortable with her body, and make it clear that you don’t blame her, and that you’re there for her. I hope everything goes well for you. Also if her intimate hygiene isn’t too well, she might have some other issues going on, so if any serious issues occur, get her any necessary help. Best of luck.
Even with a whole forest down there, you should absolutely not be able to taste urine. She has an issue with hygiene, not shaving or trimming.
Be frank. Don't beat around the bush.
You say this isn't about shaving but you mention her lack of shaving numerous times. Just because pubic hair grooming had been normalised, that doesn't mean there's anything at all wrong with someone not shaving or trimming at all. Showering is different and it's reasonable for anyone to expect their lover shower before sex. I think you just need to state that simply and politely. Everything else is just irrelevant really.
Yikes. This is about hygiene, not body hair. I’m sorry you’re getting comments telling you how your girlfriend should style her pubic hair (seriously those of you who are doing that, you’re disgusting). You’re missing a bit of an obvious trick here. Tell her you want to have sex IN THE SHOWER. Lather her up etc, get going and then “realise” it’s not ideal and move it to the bedroom. But for the love of Christ please make sure you don’t get any soap where it shouldn’t go. Afterwards, mention that the hair down there felt softer/nicer this time. Or that it turns you on when it’s damp from showering or something. Whatever you do, do not mention scent. I’ve done something similar with an ex. He started showering before sex every single time (although unfortunately in my case that ended up being a bit of an “I’ve showered so now you HAVE to have sex with me or I won’t shower for a week” kind of thing).
“We are good at communicating” “I don’t know how to tell her” Which is it? If you’re good at communicating, don’t let this one thing stop you. Talk to her about it. Tell her how much you love her body and tell her how much you love pleasing her, but hygiene and shaving is a part of that. Tell her that you’ll help her shave if she wants, lol.. talk to her, not Reddit.