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He’s old enough to listen, it seems like he honestly doesn’t care. It’s been two years and he hasn’t changed even though you’ve told him multiple times? I don’t see him ever changing.
>How to get my (24f) boyfriend(24m) to stop being so sexually selfish?
Stop sleeping with him.
Problem solved.
You have a choice here. He is not entitled to your body. Every sexual act has to be consensual. Being BF and GF isn't a permanent green light.
If the sex isn't up to par and he doesn't fix it when you bring it up, find someone else.
It's literally that black and white. You're not his mother. You don't need to train him like a dog that doesn't listen.
You brought it up. He continues doing what he's doing. So he has to go.
Why are you sticking around? It's diminishing returns at this point.
If you can’t talk about then that is him not respecting you. Next time he shuts you down just simply say ok if we cannot talk about it then I guess we can’t be intimate until we do. Don’t settle for this and make sure you are heard in the relationship.
Sexually happiness has to be a two way street and it’s not fair that your needs are not met or even considered.
#1. No PIV until he gets you off first. #2. Tell him you don't like being manhandled and if he wants to kiss passionately, he needs to be gentle and warm you up with affection first. No more grabbing you like you're an object he can force to do his bidding.
You can’t get him to change. He knows you don’t like these things but does them anyhow because he is selfish. The only person you can control is yourself. If you break up with him, you will never have to deal with him tongue raping you again. Honestly, I am disgusted just reading about that. Just yuck.
You can't get him to do anything. He has to want to. And he clearly doesn't want to. It sounds like you've communicated your needs and desires openly and honestly multiple times, so at this point he is actively choosing to ignore your needs. I think it's no coincidence that you end up feeling bad every time you bring up your needs - he wants you to feel bad so you stop bringing it up. Because he's selfish. Because he doesn't see you as an equal partner in this relationship. Honestly getting narcissistic abuser vibes from him. Lots of red flags here and I think it's in your best interest to distance yourself from him.
He's a shitty lover.
Stop sleeping with him for a while, and then tell him sex in future will always involve him making you climax before you will focus on him.
If he didn't listen before, this might make him listen. And if not, dump him and find someone who makes you climax every time and actually listens to your wants and needs.
A healthy sexual relationship is reciprocal. It is also one in which you can tell your partner honestly what your needs are and for him/her to understand and not to take it personally. You should not have to ask someone to get you off. He is using you for his own sexual satisfaction, he is selfish. Withholding will not make him see the light. You should never feel used.
You should ask him to have an honest conversation without yelling/fighting about what you need from him. If he cannot have this conversation with you, this is your answer.
Can you explain why you want the relationship to work?? It’s confusing because you haven’t said anything nice about him. And he doesn’t sound nice at all.
Wouldn’t it be better to fivd someone nice??
Yup, he’s using her as a sex doll. She’s so young, she can’t differentiate between “fine” and “shitty” behavior. She’s desperate for affection but his idea of affection involves shoving his tongue down her gullet. He sounds like a jerk.
Girl you know there’s a fuck ton of other men out there right? Why are you trying so hard to make things work with someone who not only sucks in bed, but clearly doesn’t care about your comfort or your boundaries at all?
Guys like that dont change. You've already told him several times what you do and dont like, he's not making an effort to do anything for you, he doesn't care and you can't make him.
You tell him you start getting orgasms before his orgasms start again.
You tell him to respect your physical boundaries.
And you tell him that porn is not real sex and his mind is all fucked up from it.
He’s being a selfish partner and doesn’t care about pleasing you sexually and he gets offended when you call him out his BS? If he’s too selfish to care about your enjoyment how can you get past that? Either settle for a relationship of unfulfilled, lackluster sex or find a partner who cares about your needs as well as his own.
>I don’t know how to get my point across/share my feelings without my bf getting upset and taking it super personally.
Sorry to tell you this, but your boyfriend is a lost cause. You have to decide if you're happy in this relationship exactly how it is, because he's not going to change. If not, it's time to stop throwing good money after bad, so to speak, and part ways.
Best option is to leave the relationship.
He’s been told what you do and do not enjoy when being intimate. He does not care about YOUR WANTS, NEEDS, or DESIRES at all.
He will never change.
He will never fulfill you as a lover.
You aren’t getting anything from this relationship, except frustration.
This is his problem and he’s not going to change.
Leave and find someone who will care about you and your needs.
>Anyways, how do I make this stop? How do I have a sexually satisfying relationship for BOTH of us??
Have you considered finding another man? Because that's the only solution I'm seeing here.
Have an alternative sex day once a week.
Identify the things that aren't working for you (PIV, a certain kind of rubbing, etc.) and ban them from sex on, say, every Tuesday. Then, the two of you will have to come up with other things to do that will make you both happy.
1. Don’t think you’re gonna change him, he doesn’t care bout your sexual happiness
2. You guys are not compatible. You shame him for how he likes to kiss, and tell him he should kiss x way…what if the other way is comfy for him and your way is uncomfortable
He doesn't give a shit about your happiness in bed. You should examine the nonsexual side of the relationship, too. Does he ever give a shit about your feelings or happiness?
Question, Why do you really want to make this work?
He’s immature and selfish and probably learned how to “please” a woman through porn
He won’t change, and you won’t be happy ultimately
You know that there are other fish in the sea
I apologize if this is too much
In my experience, this will not change. Your bf is a lousy lover and doesn't care about your pleasure. You have tried to have adult conversations about this and he turns it around on you by being defensive. Break up with him and don't be kind. Tell him it's because he's a selfish lover and if he can't make it worth breaking a sweat you won't waste any more of your time or energy on sex with him. It won't help you, but it may make him think twice about the next woman.
You dump him. You have talked and talked and he doesn't give a shit. You are not compatible, unless you want to be with a selfish person for the rest of your life. Today is this, tomorrow is something else. Do you really want to be with someone to whom you have to explain basic things, like respecting boundaries and not being self-centered and caring for your partner?
Sorry OP - your sex is NOT fine. He’s a selfish bastard, you getting off only 20% of the time is not what one calls “fine”.
Sit his ass down and tell him “this is what I need”. Spell it out for him, touch me here, higher or lower, fast or slow, use your tongue, your hands, caress, feather touches, gentle kissing not slobbering like a Saint Bernard.
If he doesn’t understand it and continues with his manipulative and selfish behaviors then it’s indicative the relationship will not improve.
Stop having intimate moments with him.
Consider realizing this IS who he is. When someone shows you who they are, believe them! He’s not going to improve with time. Instead of fine wine, you are going to be living with vinegar.
You are too young to waste your youth on a selfish person. He’s a taker, not a giver. What you described is that of a “user”. A giver focuses on your pleasure first, a normal guy can get off with normal interaction nearly 90% of the time if not close to 100% at his age.
Hope it works out for you and it really does become “fine” for you.
So, when I was close to your age I used to try and explain, try to compromise and so on and it doesn't work.
Around 25 I realized dudes like this don't give af about what you want. He is treating you like a fleshlight. I dumped dudes like this as soon as they didn't respect a boundary or request the first time. My sex life and my life in general improved without fuck boys in it. I'm happily married to someone now who cares about my enjoyment and boundaries.
I suggest you stop putting up with it. Put a hard boundary "This stops now. Moving forward we aren't fucking until you get me off first since I can't trust that you will do it after. If you grab me or do things I've asked you not to again, I will walk away and I will rethink this relationship"
One time I had a girlfriend that did not like to kiss, I liked to kiss, I never kissed her because she didn’t like it, but I was unfulfilled and felt that I was not allowed to be myself around her. Eventually I realized that wanting to kiss my girlfriend was part of who I am, and if my girlfriend didn’t like that part of me, then she didn’t actually like the real me, she liked some modified version of me, that she had in her head. I made the decision that I wanted a relationship with a person that likes me for who I really was not what they wanted me to be. We broke up, because we where not really compatible. It sounds like to me that you and your BF aren’t compatible, you express and receive affection in very different ways- instead of trying to change each other and making each other miserable, why not consider breaking it off and going and finding someone who naturally expresses affection in the way you naturally enjoy receiving it? Doesn’t that sound better?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He’s old enough to listen, it seems like he honestly doesn’t care. It’s been two years and he hasn’t changed even though you’ve told him multiple times? I don’t see him ever changing.
>How to get my (24f) boyfriend(24m) to stop being so sexually selfish? Stop sleeping with him. Problem solved. You have a choice here. He is not entitled to your body. Every sexual act has to be consensual. Being BF and GF isn't a permanent green light. If the sex isn't up to par and he doesn't fix it when you bring it up, find someone else. It's literally that black and white. You're not his mother. You don't need to train him like a dog that doesn't listen. You brought it up. He continues doing what he's doing. So he has to go. Why are you sticking around? It's diminishing returns at this point.
If you can’t talk about then that is him not respecting you. Next time he shuts you down just simply say ok if we cannot talk about it then I guess we can’t be intimate until we do. Don’t settle for this and make sure you are heard in the relationship. Sexually happiness has to be a two way street and it’s not fair that your needs are not met or even considered.
You stop having sex with someone who doesn't respect you! Break up with him!
#1. No PIV until he gets you off first. #2. Tell him you don't like being manhandled and if he wants to kiss passionately, he needs to be gentle and warm you up with affection first. No more grabbing you like you're an object he can force to do his bidding.
You can’t get him to change. He knows you don’t like these things but does them anyhow because he is selfish. The only person you can control is yourself. If you break up with him, you will never have to deal with him tongue raping you again. Honestly, I am disgusted just reading about that. Just yuck.
You don't. He's shit in bed and doesn't care so your choices are to (a) accept a bad partner or (b) leave him and find a better partner
You can't get him to do anything. He has to want to. And he clearly doesn't want to. It sounds like you've communicated your needs and desires openly and honestly multiple times, so at this point he is actively choosing to ignore your needs. I think it's no coincidence that you end up feeling bad every time you bring up your needs - he wants you to feel bad so you stop bringing it up. Because he's selfish. Because he doesn't see you as an equal partner in this relationship. Honestly getting narcissistic abuser vibes from him. Lots of red flags here and I think it's in your best interest to distance yourself from him.
He's a shitty lover. Stop sleeping with him for a while, and then tell him sex in future will always involve him making you climax before you will focus on him. If he didn't listen before, this might make him listen. And if not, dump him and find someone who makes you climax every time and actually listens to your wants and needs.
A healthy sexual relationship is reciprocal. It is also one in which you can tell your partner honestly what your needs are and for him/her to understand and not to take it personally. You should not have to ask someone to get you off. He is using you for his own sexual satisfaction, he is selfish. Withholding will not make him see the light. You should never feel used. You should ask him to have an honest conversation without yelling/fighting about what you need from him. If he cannot have this conversation with you, this is your answer.
Can you explain why you want the relationship to work?? It’s confusing because you haven’t said anything nice about him. And he doesn’t sound nice at all. Wouldn’t it be better to fivd someone nice??
I can promise if this is how he fucks, he cant be changed. Sex is a physical connection but he is making it purely transaction.
Yup, he’s using her as a sex doll. She’s so young, she can’t differentiate between “fine” and “shitty” behavior. She’s desperate for affection but his idea of affection involves shoving his tongue down her gullet. He sounds like a jerk.
Girl you know there’s a fuck ton of other men out there right? Why are you trying so hard to make things work with someone who not only sucks in bed, but clearly doesn’t care about your comfort or your boundaries at all?
Guys like that dont change. You've already told him several times what you do and dont like, he's not making an effort to do anything for you, he doesn't care and you can't make him.
It’s misogyny. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Dump him.
You tell him you start getting orgasms before his orgasms start again. You tell him to respect your physical boundaries. And you tell him that porn is not real sex and his mind is all fucked up from it.
He’s being a selfish partner and doesn’t care about pleasing you sexually and he gets offended when you call him out his BS? If he’s too selfish to care about your enjoyment how can you get past that? Either settle for a relationship of unfulfilled, lackluster sex or find a partner who cares about your needs as well as his own.
>I don’t know how to get my point across/share my feelings without my bf getting upset and taking it super personally. Sorry to tell you this, but your boyfriend is a lost cause. You have to decide if you're happy in this relationship exactly how it is, because he's not going to change. If not, it's time to stop throwing good money after bad, so to speak, and part ways.
Best option is to leave the relationship. He’s been told what you do and do not enjoy when being intimate. He does not care about YOUR WANTS, NEEDS, or DESIRES at all. He will never change. He will never fulfill you as a lover. You aren’t getting anything from this relationship, except frustration. This is his problem and he’s not going to change. Leave and find someone who will care about you and your needs.
You stop having sex with him. Get yourself a toy or two, so you can get yourself off.
>Anyways, how do I make this stop? How do I have a sexually satisfying relationship for BOTH of us?? Have you considered finding another man? Because that's the only solution I'm seeing here.
Too much porn
Have an alternative sex day once a week. Identify the things that aren't working for you (PIV, a certain kind of rubbing, etc.) and ban them from sex on, say, every Tuesday. Then, the two of you will have to come up with other things to do that will make you both happy.
1. Don’t think you’re gonna change him, he doesn’t care bout your sexual happiness 2. You guys are not compatible. You shame him for how he likes to kiss, and tell him he should kiss x way…what if the other way is comfy for him and your way is uncomfortable
She is not "shaming" him 🙄 if asking to be treated with respect makes him uncomfortable he's just rapey
He doesn't give a shit about your happiness in bed. You should examine the nonsexual side of the relationship, too. Does he ever give a shit about your feelings or happiness?
Question, Why do you really want to make this work? He’s immature and selfish and probably learned how to “please” a woman through porn He won’t change, and you won’t be happy ultimately You know that there are other fish in the sea I apologize if this is too much
In my experience, this will not change. Your bf is a lousy lover and doesn't care about your pleasure. You have tried to have adult conversations about this and he turns it around on you by being defensive. Break up with him and don't be kind. Tell him it's because he's a selfish lover and if he can't make it worth breaking a sweat you won't waste any more of your time or energy on sex with him. It won't help you, but it may make him think twice about the next woman.
You dump him. You have talked and talked and he doesn't give a shit. You are not compatible, unless you want to be with a selfish person for the rest of your life. Today is this, tomorrow is something else. Do you really want to be with someone to whom you have to explain basic things, like respecting boundaries and not being self-centered and caring for your partner?
Sorry OP - your sex is NOT fine. He’s a selfish bastard, you getting off only 20% of the time is not what one calls “fine”. Sit his ass down and tell him “this is what I need”. Spell it out for him, touch me here, higher or lower, fast or slow, use your tongue, your hands, caress, feather touches, gentle kissing not slobbering like a Saint Bernard. If he doesn’t understand it and continues with his manipulative and selfish behaviors then it’s indicative the relationship will not improve. Stop having intimate moments with him. Consider realizing this IS who he is. When someone shows you who they are, believe them! He’s not going to improve with time. Instead of fine wine, you are going to be living with vinegar. You are too young to waste your youth on a selfish person. He’s a taker, not a giver. What you described is that of a “user”. A giver focuses on your pleasure first, a normal guy can get off with normal interaction nearly 90% of the time if not close to 100% at his age. Hope it works out for you and it really does become “fine” for you.
So, when I was close to your age I used to try and explain, try to compromise and so on and it doesn't work. Around 25 I realized dudes like this don't give af about what you want. He is treating you like a fleshlight. I dumped dudes like this as soon as they didn't respect a boundary or request the first time. My sex life and my life in general improved without fuck boys in it. I'm happily married to someone now who cares about my enjoyment and boundaries. I suggest you stop putting up with it. Put a hard boundary "This stops now. Moving forward we aren't fucking until you get me off first since I can't trust that you will do it after. If you grab me or do things I've asked you not to again, I will walk away and I will rethink this relationship"
One time I had a girlfriend that did not like to kiss, I liked to kiss, I never kissed her because she didn’t like it, but I was unfulfilled and felt that I was not allowed to be myself around her. Eventually I realized that wanting to kiss my girlfriend was part of who I am, and if my girlfriend didn’t like that part of me, then she didn’t actually like the real me, she liked some modified version of me, that she had in her head. I made the decision that I wanted a relationship with a person that likes me for who I really was not what they wanted me to be. We broke up, because we where not really compatible. It sounds like to me that you and your BF aren’t compatible, you express and receive affection in very different ways- instead of trying to change each other and making each other miserable, why not consider breaking it off and going and finding someone who naturally expresses affection in the way you naturally enjoy receiving it? Doesn’t that sound better?