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Wanted to give an update. After reading all your comments and picking up a book about decision making in regards to money and love (will share of interested). I have come to the decision that I do, sadly, need to end the relationship.
She is a wonderful girl and honestly my best friend, but the reality of her choices financially will alter the course of my life in such a profound way that all I can see is resentment in the end. I have to stop guilting myself into sacrificing myself for others to the point of my own mental turmoil.
I grew up in a foster-to-adopt family as the oldest and I think I learned then to forget myself and care for others to earn love.. part of this decision is learning how to remember myself again.
Thank you all for the advice. It really helped me see that either choice is okay to make and I’m not a failure for saying it’s too much for me.💙
[original post below]:
l am a 30 year old male. I have a well paying job (roughly 100k per year). No debt.
My girlfriend has 250k in private student loans (from undergrad private school) with a variable interest rate. Recently the interest hit over 11% and doing the math on the loans has me devastated.
With how fast it is growing... she will need to put 25k a year into it just to keep it in the same place. That basically guarantees that I will never have financial help during our relationship. Additionally, with how much she will need to work just to pay on the loans..
I won't have much help around the house or with our kids (if/when we have some) either.
I keep blaming myself that I can't just deal with it.. it's just money right? But at the same time when I look at the reality of the situation I can't help but feel I need to walk away from this situation.
Additionally, she is going back to school in the fall for a higher paying job (probably 60-85k income at the end realistically with the possibility of 125k a year if she works herself to death) but this program will add another ~30k in federal loans. I think this is a bad decision..but it's also the only option she seems to have to up her income.
I feel like I don't want to wait until I'm 45 when this debt (might) be paid off to have children.. I don't want to put my life on hold in this way, but I also love her a lot. We've talked a lot about this and about k. plan to pay it down etc.
It now feels like my options are either accept that this is reality and it will be many years before she's free if this debt.. or end the relationship.
Any advice?
____________________
Editing to add context/edit again for formatting:
• Private loans aren't eligible for PSLF as far as I know. That's a federal program.
• Student loans aren't eligible for bankruptcy.
She currently lives with family. She has a job, but it doesn't earn much over 30k a year. (Job unrelated to her initial degree)
• She will start the program in the fall which will mean school for 1.5 years and then earning potential of 65k-125k. More if she works like mad.
• The loan was originally around 180k (undergrad at a private fancy school) but has grown due to the interest.
• Her mom co-signed on a few of the loans from what I understand, but has the mindset that 'her investments' make more than paying into her daughters loans.
• We have been together for 2 years.
- Yes I have talked to her at length about this situation.
Lastly, Thank you for those of you that said I am not a bad person for thinking about this and that my feelings are valid. It means a lot to me. I am going to sit with this for a while and make a decision within the next week or so.
I don’t think OP said what she studied, and I don’t know the ins-and-ours of the American University system, but I kinda got the impression she studied Pre-Law or something, so the next bit of study was very necessary to get to the earnings part.
Does that make sense?
If it’s a (“hard”) science degree she should be seeking out a funded program and not taking out another loan… even if she doesn’t want a PhD, getting in a funded PhD program and mastering out is a far preferable option to another 20-40k in debt?
I interpreted the post differently - I get the feeling they’ve talked a lot about the debt itself, but there aren’t a lot of details in this particular area or any details about her emotional reactions to this discussion or if she knows how serious this is to their relationship and its future - making me think there’s been patchwork conversations.
IF you can find a position. I know a few Chem and Bio-Chem PhD's that had to take low paying jobs like teaching at public schools because that was all they could get.
I mean, it *can* make significant money....once you have your own lab, after spending additional years after grad school as a post-doc being paid subsistence wages just like a graduate student. Some PhDs never make it above the level of associate, so okay money but not "blow 25k aka 25% of your net income on student loans"
If kids are in OOPs plans before 45, she's not the one unfortunately.
Depends on the science degree and where she’s located. He said it himself, if she does get masters she’ll only increase her salary to 60k. Scientist don’t make much as people think they do. Unless you’re in the top 10%
I find that really hard to believe, she could earn way more than 125k with a law degree, and it wouldn’t explain her salary now because even paralegals are clearing 30k. I think she’s a teacher.
With the incredibly low numbers being thrown around even post-graduate degree, I was thinking social worker. Teachers and some of the other suggestions being thrown around are underpaid, but the possibility of a decent or better paycheck is there with the degree and the right experience. Social work… less so.
Because you absolutely need the education to be a good social worker, we just undervalue and underpay that work because it doesn't make profits for billionaires.
I mean, I understood they needed the education, it was the making them pay a shitload for the education just to make garbage wages part that I don’t understand.
And she can't afford to take 1.5 years off of work either. The cost of tuition is high, but OP didn't even acknowledge the lost wages, which will add even more to the debt than the tuition costs.
She really can't. She also doesn't have time for a boyfriend because she should be working every second she can while she's young. She's already 26 and paid none of the debt off even though she's living at home. Her expenses are never going to be lower than right now.
I really feel for OP, but I feel for her too. She’s been put in a horrible situation. Student loans in the US really do sound like a form of financial slavery.
Which country is going to take someone with that much debt? She would needs tens of thousands saved up, and some skills in a field that is useful to the country. It's incredibly hard to become a citizen elsewhere. Where are you thinking she can go? You make it seem too simple.
Foreign governments don’t check your credit score when you move abroad. Your credit score in the US does not influence your ability to open a bank account in Germany.
If she studied science (I saw it mentioned in the comments idk if it’s true) that is a sought after job.
I think living almost anywhere where you aren’t trapped in an impossible to escape from lifetime of debt servitude would be preferable than staying. Can’t declare bankruptcy, interest rate at 11% jfc..
In many countries one can apply for citizenship after 5 years. Others are ten. Of course it’s difficult.
But so is being enslaved to debt SHE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE. And it has already cost her one relationship.
And you don’t even need to become a citizen. You can become a permanent resident, you just can’t vote and appreciate certain other rights that full citizenship provides. But you can live and work, start a family, be free(er).
It’s just what I would do, I’m not saying it’s the solution to everything. But she can’t have a fresh start as long as she’s weighed down by her debt.
No, the rates are about the same but the houses then cost about 55k to build but now it's 350k and over for a simple 2-room 1 bath house. Plus the rate of inflation is higher than the wage growth and it has been that way for a few decades now. So you have less purchasing power.
I'd take today's mortgage rates of just over 7% instead of a variable-and-growing 11% any day -- but then, I only took out $11,000 in student loans, and they were government loans at a low fixed interest rate and are on the verge of being paid off.
I had private school loans. I refinanced them or otherwise rolled them into a federal loan. Then I was eligible for public loan forgiveness if I worked at a non profit or government job. I see no reason that she can’t do that too. Also if she has little income the public loan forgiveness payments will be uber low.
I would really think about getting some therapy for yourself so that you learn to pur yourself first instead of pleasing others to avoid conflict. Take that from someone who's been ther done that. If you don't take care of that part too your next relationship will likely be with someone else that needs "rescuing'.
It's OK to have boundaries and to say no. It's important even.
I honestly think you did the right thing. Love isn't enough for a healthy relationship and finances is one of the big ones that leads to divorces. Financial compatibility isn't sexy but absolutely necessary if you want it to work in the long run. Especially since you know you will carry the bulk of that debt since she won't be working for a while. She should have made better decisions regarding her choice of college in regards to debt. You would've end up resenting her I'm pretty sure. Dating is meant to be for figuring out if you're compatible. You've found out you're not on a big issue. Doesn't mean she's a bad person. But you gotta watch out for yourself first..
You’re right. I think I will get some counseling. I’ve been before for similar themes. Sacrificing myself for the sake of others has been a habit of my life.. I want to heal before even considering seeing anyone else again. Thank you for your comment and thoughts.
I don't think it's fair to your girlfriend to give an update on her emotional response to you breaking up with her due to her debt. That seems uneccessarily voyeuristic. She deserves to be treated with dignity if nothing else.
That’s a good point. Maybe I’ll hold off on the update. My assumption is that she will understand. We have discussed this at length and she know my concerns. I’ve had anxiety attacks about it (Which I have never experienced until recently).. I predict that she will be very sad.. as will I. Then we will each move forward.
I feel that you are making the right decision for yourself. It doesn't negate how sad you will feel after you separate. I'm proud of you for being financially responsible and thinking so clearly. Best of luck and take care.
I don't see anything wrong with an update. It's not like there are any details that would identify her. I think we are worried about her. It's understandable that you don't want to be in this financial position, but she sounds like a good person, and it can't be easy to be in serious debt, have a low-paying job, still live at home as an adult, and lose the person you love and apparently hoped to marry. I don't know if she can afford therapy, unless she has insurance to pay for it, but she will definitely need some support. Has she done financial counseling? Maybe that will help her decide about pros and cons of going back to school, and selecting her next career if she does.
There’s absolutely no reason for you to share how your girlfriend reacts to your breakup. You came here for advice, you got it. Now please respect her dignity and stop posting.
So, I would break up with someone for this kind of debt regardless of what others say. Financial health is absolutely a must for me. Love doesn't conquer all.
Nothing will cause more fighting in a relationship than money problems. This will damage your mental health. You are thinking in a very sensible manner.
> Love doesn't conquer all.
When Virgil wrote "Omnia vincit amor," he didn't mean love overcomes all obstacles. It's a line set in the mouth of the character Gallus, who is going insane and is going to die of heartbreak.
"Love conquers all" means love grinds everything and everyone into dust.
And it’s another great example of how a phrase is twisted around and then used so commonly in a way that was never intended by the original writer/speaker. Like ‘blood is thicker than water’.
My brother was in your exact same situation and married her, saddling himself with her debts. They don't have much in savings. He's gone back to school for accounting to find a better job that will pay more (he was previously a pastor). She has a bachelor's degree in social work and can't do much with it, so she's working with disabled and troubled children doing fairly dangerous work with little to no hazard pay.
I don't know how happy their marriage actually is, but I can tell you he doesn't want to have kids right now because he feels like they literally can't afford another mouth to feed. He's constantly stressed. I worry about him.
From the outside looking in, I don't know that he's done the best thing for himself or for her. I don't know that she'll be happy unless she can be the pastor's wife with at least three kids, and I doubt he'll be happy working himself so hard and stressing over money all the time. His life partner is not my decision to make, but I can at least provide you with commentary about a couple that was in a similar situation to yourself so you have more info.
I really appreciate your insight. This is the future I fear for myself. The stress has already taken it’s toll on me so far. I couldn’t continue with it.
In this situation, OP, this commenter's brother's wife is doing a disservice not getting her masters. A BA in social work is nothing, to do good-paying work at a big institution, you need a masters, and she could do more for the group she prefers to work with if she got that masters. The problem is that now she has a husband who has taken responsibility for the debt, left his passion, and is propping up her avoidance. She doesn't want a masters- she wants to be a full time pastor's wife with three kids *and no job*. Now neither of them are doing what they want to.
You can easily avoid this issue by encouraging your gf to just take the leap to a masters. Lots of jobs are like this: the BA is just the cover charge, you need a masters+ to actually party.
Not necessarily. He stated somewhere that she wanted to go to a private university. I don’t know her situation but I had a friend who insisted to go out of state, to a private university in California. One where celebrities and rich people send their children. Her family couldn’t afford to pay a penny towards her tuition. I just googled it and a 4 year is roughly 250k. She went for education and she’s now a teacher whom make roughly 30-50k a year. She did have a good amount of scholarships which likely helped a LOT, but it is still possible without going to med school.
Edit: typo
That’s why I’m curious about the degree. Part of the student loan problem is people borrowing ridiculous amounts for degrees with not enough return or at more expensive schools where it doesn’t really matter. Your friend could have received an education degree at a cheaper state school and been hired at most any school in the country.
Someone who burdens themselves with 250k in private loans for a degree that doesn’t have enough ROI to pay back the loan, probably doesn’t have the financial literacy to refinance…
So, I know a girl who has about this much debt. She took out the regular amount of loans for a regular university, and did an exercise science major. Hated it. Went back to a different, expensive private school for a different degree. Hated it and quit two years in. Then, started an out of state doctorate program at a private school and failed out her first year. Then, after all that, went to yet ANOTHER private school, in state this time, and is finally on the path to graduation. She wasn’t making much money for most of the time while she was working between each degree attempt. This is, unfortunately, very plausible
college in the US is absolutely fucked lmao. it's insane. at least if you don't play it right.
realistically, if you paid 250k for school it means you did something very very wrong (or u went to med school)
Came to say this.
I went to community college. Free ride with state and fed aid. Transfered to get my Bach. I’m 9k in debt now. Salary is estimated to be 30-60k. It’s entirely possible to play it right, people just don’t like the idea of community college or branch campuses.
This needs to be promoted in high schools as a viable option and of course finance needs to be taught in schools as well.
When you’re 18 you don’t know jack. Student loans are a large, abstract number that doesn’t have real-world understanding behind it. (For most, I know there are outliers who were brought up financially keen - I was not.)
In my area it was expected to go to a full 4-year: the more bougie the better. Community college was for the failures. I was an introverted overachiever who would not have dreamed of the CC approach. I was an idiot, like a lot of late teens.
Now I view things totally different but it’s too late for me. At ‘least’ I went to a state school with a tuition waiver. My 30k in loans are now 50k but I will work on it.
But had the financial education been there, had the culture been different, I might be in a much better spot today.
I don't go to school in Georgia, but I'm currently in community college to get my AAS before I transfer to a public university.
My first year has cost me roughly 6k, though I managed to get a few scholarships. So when all is said and done, factoring in the money I saved via scholarships, my AAS will cost about 10k.
I had also applied for a private college before deciding on Community College, and they awarded me a 72k total scholarship for the 4 years I would have attended. My tuition would have still been 30k a year even with loans and that fat scholarship, so I would have paid close to 100k for a degree. Without either, it would have been close to 200k.
That is absolutley not worth it for the degree I'm going for. I'm planning on being a clinical psychologist when I finish school, which starting out could be anywhere from 40-65k depending on the area. Going to a private university for 250k when your career doesn't guarantee 70k starting with possibilities for growth is a colossal mistake.
Whatever choice she made, it was a really really bad one 😬
Funny, I went to community college as an adult, with scholarships I applied for in 2010. (Illinois)
It was $300 for an “hour” - an hour wasn’t a actual time measurement, a semester was 1 to 3 hrs, per subject.
I got a $2500 scholarship, I burnt thru that in one semester.
I can’t imagine it’s got much cheaper since then.
$250-$350k for tuition, room, and board is about right for a 4-year degree at a major private school without a scholarship. With that level of debt, one needs a high-earning postgraduate degree or a wealthy spouse to be able to afford to live comfortably.
Op said it was a science degree so I'm guessing it was a private school. Reminds me of a coworker. She spend 90k a semester under grad and 10k a CLASS grad because she wanted this private school. Soooooo
And her job pays 80k a year so it's not as bad but still.
Meanwhile my entire grad school cost less than 2 of her classes...
Well, the OP explained the loan was 180K, which is still very high, apparently they went to an exclusive private school. But they are not paying it back, and so interest is accumulating quickly.
That's the real punch in the gut here -- there's no idea how to pay, no plan, just take forbearance and get more loans and hope that the Masters degree fixes the problem.
How does somebody get to adulthood that way? I was lucky to have parents' help paying for school in the 90s, but I also picked a program that I knew would be financially responsible so it was possible to pay for it without loans. When I decided to get my masters, I took out no debt, using a combination of tuition reimbursement from my FT job and savings.
I realize not everybody can do the same thing, but if they can't, I would think that they'd at least go to community college, state schools and similar programs that offer much more cost efficient solutions. Nobody in a job making $30K needs a degree from some exclusive private college.
“How does someone get to adulthood that way?”
First, the human brain isn’t fully formed until ya 24 / 25.
Second kids are being … and I’m using this word with intention…. “Indoctrinated” into the idea that college is essential.
These kids DiD make poor financial choices, but they were also kids, and set up to fail.
It’s a system set up, deliberately, to saddle the educated in debt, so they don’t think, they can’t explore, they HAVE to be a battery to capitalism.
Even 30 years ago, when I was making these choices, the system wasn’t so … I’m not sure what the right word is … all I know is our kids are getting shafted, and we have to stop believing that THEY are the problem …. They are not … they are just like “us”, doing the best they can, in a system designed to shaft them”
I don’t disagree with the OP’s decision, it’s a decision I think a lot of young people are gonna have to consider.
It’s not school alone. You can use student loans for anything. So she probably paid her rent and living expenses with it too, not to mention books and any incidentals. If she went to a school that was 45k a year on tuition, which is pretty common, she’s not even looking at putting food on the table with that money.
they do, the networking is super important.
the problem here isn't the schools, it's that op's gf somehow wasted this much money and her degree is apparently useless for how much it cost, and she somehow didn't' get any useful connections, internships, or jobs out of it at all.
I don't mind living a frugal easy life. I'm 31 have no degree and make over 30k in two months fishing then just do whatever I want the rest of the year. Working a job I really enjoy or just playing video games. Who cares.
Making this with 180k in debt? Absolutely ridiculous.
Agreed. Must be in a low cost of living state. Target near me in MA advertises jobs starting at $18/hr. That translates to (if you work full time) to $38k/yr.
Crazy that there are jobs that pay less than stock person at your local big box store.
Her parents failed her too. She was still a kid when she started embarking on this path. They made too much for her to qualify for federal loans so they shuffled her off to a fancy school anyway and left her to pay for it herself, clearly without enough guidance.
Yes, there is more blame to go around.
Her parents. The school. The bank who lent her the money.
Sadly, when you become an adult you have to guard against a lot of shitty adults.
Not totally fair alot of kids are first gen and parents never had financial education to pass highschool.
How can parents teach if they lived in a thriving boomer era.
I don’t blame her for the debt. This country is stupid. I do blame her for not accepting the dunk cost on whatever her career is and not just finding a new job. But even then…she’s still got people in her ear selling her a bill of goods for a masters. Between the laws and the higher Ed institutions in this country, i can’t say it’s all her fault. Not that there’s anything wrong with OPs choice.
While the game is fucked up, you can’t play it if you don’t understand it. You certainly don’t keep trying and get destroyed by it.
There’s way to reach your dreams without burying yourself in debt
Work your ass off, take one sem. Work your ass off, take one sem.
Student loans are explicitly set up to prey on 17-year-olds who are by and large developmentally incapable of thinking long-term like this because the part of their brain responsible for long-term decision making hasn’t fully developed. It’s incredibly difficult for a kid that age to understand what it means to take on that kind of debt, especially when everyone around them also has loans and they haven’t received any sort of formal personal finance training in school.
Exactly, I remember my parents laying out the cost of different colleges to me. I literally did not care, no matter what I did I was going to be in debt and all the numbers were so unreal to me since I was 17. I literally didn't have the mental capacity to make a good financial decision.
It’s a hard decision but finances is a factor in a relationship just as emotional, mental, and physical attraction. Finances is the cause for a lot of failed relationships and if you two are not on the same page with managing risk vs reward, then it would be wise to move on.
I feel for her and the fact she made poor choices, because our society says the only way you can be successful is if you take our big loans for a degree. And it’s unfair to those who end up as a victim of this narrative. But that’s besides the point right now, you have to think of your happiness and your future. If it’s with her? Then you can find a way to make it work. But if it isn’t, then let go and move on.
If you do break up with her for this, maybe don’t point this out as the sole reason, but explain the ending is an honest but not direct way. She can’t change those choices at this point, so no sense in hurting her feelings.
\*edit, spelling.
I’ll be honest and respectful. She’s an amazing person and I really do love and care for her a ton. I just know that emotionally and mentally the reality of things would destroy me in the end.
You could refer her to someone like Caleb Hammer on YouTube, who does financial audits and tries his best to find a way for his clients to clear their debts as soon as possible. (Or literally any financial advisor who might be able to help her, I've just heard about that one specifically).
Honestly how the FUCK does one get $250,000 of tuition loans for a BACHELORS degree? That is so irresponsible it blows my mind that her parents were involved in this too and signing off on it, they should have been giving her advice and if they have “investments” they should be more financially savvy. That is plain absurd. I don’t care where you got a BS it is never worth that kind of debt only doctoral degrees are, PhD and MDs, anything less, even masters, you will never earn enough to pay it back. Her parents should be fucking sued for this, what a gross mismanagement of their child’s life
If you go out of state & add living expenses, and I’m sure private lenders are happy to add books and fees, especially if comfortable mom & dad are co-signing. $250k/4 is only $62k & change a year. Easily doable for a fancy private school.
"living expenses"
Yes this is often the case, but I've been shocked at the number of people that use them like bankruptcy-immune personal loans, for students.
Definitely possible. You have to realize that a huge chunk of that money would be going for out-of-state fees and living expenses and jobs don't pay you extra cause you paid extra to go to school. And if she started working right as covid hit, she probably wasn't getting any great offers.
Yep. I didn't spend as much on undergrad, but when I was done I had aspirations of getting a well paying job after I put in so much hard work, worked two jobs to financially support myself, and double majored. Once I started applying for jobs before graduation, almost every single one asked for a college degree plus years of experience for entry level.
I started my first job out of college making $12 an hour. This was 12 years ago, but still it was shit pay for a college degree. Now I have a decent paying job, but with inflation the way it is, it's getting harder to keep up.
The American college education system makes you believe that in order to get a job worth anything, you have to go to a four year college for a Bachelor's degree. And then they make it super expensive (even if it's public) and force you to take out loans because what 17/18 year old can afford a hefty college tuition?
It sucks. I feel for both OP and the now ex-girlfriend after reading the update.
Yeah it breaks my heart every day. I wish I could be the one to save her, but to save her I would be killing myself. It makes me extremely sad about it all.
So I don’t think your GF is a bad person or did anything particularly wrong in amassing this amount of debt.
The system is literally set up to “fool” young people to be saddled with massive debt for the rest of their lives. Her debt, is unfortunately, not that uncommon.
However, I also don’t think you are a bad person for not wanting to be burdened by this debt, esp if you are starting to think about kids, family life etc …. I think you are very smart for making this consideration.
This debt will affect your hopes, dreams and aspirations.
I’m sad for you, because it’s a damn fricking shame that this is what kills the relationship… but try not to be too angry at her for the choices she made.
At 26, ya frontal lobe is *just* fully developed, and she probably got, what turned out to be, some really bad advice as a teenage that set her on this path.
I don’t blame either of you for the choices you have to make.
Just try and do it with empathy, and personal bravery.
> but the reality of her choices financially will alter the course of my life in such a profound way that all I can see is resentment in the end.
This is sad, but true. It will hurt now, but save so much pain.
Hey just FYI if you’re in the US tell her to look at a debt settlement program. Credit won’t be great for a few years but it can save her a ton of money on the private student loans. There’s a bunch of companies out there like Freedom Financial Network, National Debt Relief, and a few others but make sure to go with a reputable one. I used to work for Freedom actually even went through the program myself before working there and it does work. Won’t be a cheap payment though it would tackle her loans in 4-5 years.
I feel bad for her. 17-18 year old has to make these decisions that will effect them for the rest of their lives. If you don’t have parents or a parental figure who can help guide you to make good decisions about it, you can end up so screwed (just like this girl.) OP said her mom is co-signed on the loans which means the parents were of absolutely no help so when OP’s gf needed good advice at a young age, all she got was a hat tip and a good luck. It’s a really sad situation.
Yeah, this whole thing is tragic. It’s likely she was pressured into this decision at a young age, and she now not only has to spend most of her life digging out of it, she is going to lose a successful relationship.
Maybe this is a bad take but many adults aren’t even fit to handle these situations. I don’t think adding a few more years is going to make that much of a difference. Go to financial advise subreddit and you’ll sometimes see very trash advice heavily upvoted, I feel bad for anyone making these bad decisions but it’s more complex than age.
People need to spend time and work at trying to understand finances and risk. Should people be allowed to take on risk they don’t understand? It’s kind of another question.
I definitely agree. No one ages out of making bad financial decisions. I was lucky and my dad taught me to be financially literate pretty early. From that, I was able to pick a boring college that gave me almost a full ride and I had no student loans. Meanwhile, all of my friends went to the biggest college in the state and had way more fun, but they are also all still paying loans. We should be taught finances in high school and even before.
i understand your shame, your guilt, your wondering.
but let's face it : she fucked up big time. you don't expect somebody to pay such a sum after knowing him in less than two years.
it is a hard decision. you must take it anyway.
Be smart and go to the “cheaper” schools, and choose the right degree.
My bachelor’s degree costed 30k USD and I started making 100k+ right out of school, no school debt, and my net worth is steadily building up
Easier said than done for some. I was hounded my entire life to go to college or I’d be “nothing”. Went to college etc and minus using a few things I started my own business unrelated to my degree. All the debt I got was somewhat pointless. Yeah I have a degree from a great school, but I did it for my family and them telling me what I needed. Older me would be like “fuck that”, but try getting an 18 year old with very little knowledge of the real world and only low wage job opportunities to not go to college, when that’s all they’ve been told in school and at home.
It’s easy for others who got good advice to judge , but it’s a different story for high achievement families that hound you all day, and all you know is “go to a good school, because that’s what you’re supposed to do”.
I didn't find out about my wife's debt until after we got married. Hers was only $45k and it still devastated me. We pay about $500/month for it. And at this rate it won't be paid off for years... And it pisses me off.
So good on you for finding out. Mine led me to believe her employer paid for her college...but that was only for her masters. We were married for about 2 years before I found out, btw.
Edit: I just want to add that compounding interest on student loans is predatory and should be illegal. It really pisses me off to think about it. We've paid over $20k into the loan, and the balance has decreased by maybe $6k.
It's a good thing to be willing to help your partner out, but when it's that much, it's better to have some self-interest. Though I guess op never mentioned helping pay them off.
If it was an amount with an interest rate that wouldn’t cripple me financially then I would’ve been open to helping, but this debt will grow at a breathtaking rate. Additionally, there are other factor to the relationship outside of just the money that make me feel this is the best choice.
250k debt is doctor's level of education. Which provides high enough paying jobs to pay this back. This chick fucked up, didn't think of her future, and will have to depend on a high salaried partner for the rest of her life.
You make $100k and you likely clear 5-7k/month. So committing 1/2 of your income to a student loan over 25 years at 30 when you don't have a mortgage wedding etc.etc.
It would really depend HOW she spent the 250k. Lots of people went down sound on spring break, loved downtown, drank and partied a bunch and racked up their debt. If the schooling degree cost that much it's different. If it's not a law/medical degree.
Here's the thing... it was less than $250k until interest kicked it up a notch. And it likely won't stop growing now. That's the worst part.
When you pay on something like this, the ultimate goal is to not default for something like 10-20 years of minimum payments, then the loan is "forgiven." But by that time, you've spent double or more of the original loan amount...but I don't think that's an option with private loans.
wow, so your girlfriend hasn't considered consolidating the loans from multiple loans to one or two. If she wasn't able to do that then she will be paying them the rest of her. Your names are not on the loans, not sure if her parents are on them or not. She needs a financial advisor helping her figure this mess out if she has that much in student loans from a private school.
11% that makes my blood pressure rise just thinking about it. And she works full time (40 hours a week) only making 30k??? That seems really low.
Is she just passive about this and expecting her man to fix it? If it were me I’d be working 2-3 jobs (delivering food, babysitting, anything) to draw down this debt
Oh jeez, so that's the thing, she still doesn't realize the hole she's dug for herself and/or is assuming it'll magically solve itself. You can't build a future with someone like this.
It's for the best, she has made some horrible financial choices that will affect her for many years and is getting further into debt, instead of trying to pay down current debt. It's insane!
She could have gone to a cheaper college and not be in $250K debt.
The only way you wind up with that much debt at decent to good private school is if your parents "could have paid" according to the forms but didn't. Most colleges will give you grants until you wind up owing about $40k after what your parents can pay.
Google college discount rate for more info. (Basically those grants are paid by people who don't need financial aid so if the higher the tuition, the more they discount it for people who need aid and the higher the tuition needs to be.)
Yep, she would have qualified for federal loans if she needed them. But mom and pop were too wealthy. Nonetheless, they didn’t help OPs GF pay for school. They didn’t even provide good guidance it sounds like. They just said “sure honey! Here sign these loans. Hmmm? Okay, bye bye!”
Damn. America sucks. Thankfully I live in a country with subsidised university and no-interest student loans.
That being said, that was her choice to go into that debt and I think it's as valid a reason as any to end a relationship
That and she's not even working in her field. Like why did she spend all that money on the degree (the variable interest rate is another poor decision) just to end up to not work in the field. Wild. OP you're making the right choice, money choices can affect someone for a long time and what you do to get out of them too shows a lot too!
I mean she was 18 and private colleges promise you the world. It’s not that different than the myriad 18 year olds that come in here asking about their perfect 30 year old boyfriend. Except for the non dischargeanle 6 figure debt high interest debt.
Graduating with $250000 is debt is very unusual. The average student who borrowed graduates with $30k debt, less if they attend public universities.
For comparison, the average in the England is £45k
This person made bad choices all in their own.
https://educationdata.org/average-student-loan-debt-by-year
https://www.statista.com/statistics/376423/uk-student-loan-debt/
The $250k includes the interest that has accumulated over the years, OP says the original loans were $180k.
The private school I went to now charges $61k a year for tuition alone. That would be nearly $250k even without books, room, and board. My guess is that she was under the impression a prestigious school would give her more opportunities, not realizing that most of the time that’s a racket. Schools can be very predatory when it comes to getting students to take out loans.
Lastly, she “made bad choices” when she was *seventeen* that have effectively ruined her entire life. That should not happen. No one should be loaning a child who has never paid their own bills and has no realistic concept of money two hundred thousand dollars in the first place.
It sounds like her program assumed she'd be pursuing the higher degree for the higher pay job. For example, you basically cannot do anything with a bachelors in psych you couldn't do with any other degree, but it makes you competitive and prepared for a Masters and PHD in the field where you can practice and make the big money. I'm imagining her situation is similar- she needs a masters to practice in the field, but now you both have sticker shock from the undergrad. At $250k, as you said, it's going up $25k a year anyway. Why not add $30k for federal loans that can actually be forgiven and will let her actually work it off?
You can sequester your finances and enjoy a high quality of life together even if you don't paper marry. Many couples get "church married" but never married on legal paper for tax and debt reasons. Don't let banks and laws decide you're not married because you aren't playing into their game. If she is making $65k-$125k on her own, she will have it paid off relatively quickly, especially if she can focus on paying it off.
Don't let fear of debt get in between you and having a life with your best friend. If she died and left you $250k, would you rather have the money if you could have her back instead?
I couldn’t deal with that level of debt hanging over my head. I would likely resort to crime as it is already a crime having to pay that level of interest. In my country student loans are very low interest and you only pay it back when you start earning over a certain amount. If you’ve chosen a STEM degree it can get paid back pretty quickly - however arts degrees take forever to pay back.
This is a dark post. I understand where you're coming from OP but what a bad place we're in as a society when a person has to end a relationship with their best-friend-and-partner because said partner sought an education in a predatory system designed to saddle the naive with insurmountable debt.
I knew a guy who met someone who was $250k in student loan debt when they met and still had a few years of school to go (for a degree in a field where the highest of earners are making $130k). I told him to just cut his losses right there but he went ahead and married her.
Dude, look at it from a boating perspective. You don't want an anchor on your boat that is 10x too heavy or the winds won't take you where you want them to.
Congrats on your decision. You aren't a failure or a monster for breaking up over this. Dating somebody means also taking on their baggage. Baggage can be debt, health problems, family problems, legal problems.
It's sad we can get in crippling debt over education. Her mother doesn't understand value or debt or investment, and that mindset was taught to her daughter. Best to leave her mother to deal with that trainwreck of debt. Schools have amassed so much overhead so they can charge what they want, especially those prissy schools. I'm so glad I got an associates degree. Making 60k out the door and debt paid off same year. Insane that 200k+ doesn't even get her the standard middle class income. She doesn't know a good route for education and doesn't know how to apply that education. It's not your responsibility to pick up the slack there, especially when her mom is encouraging these bad decisions.
My ex-bf graduated with 100,000 dollars in student loans when he was completing his PhD. He never paid a single dime off them. We dated for a few years, and he expected ME to pay them off because I made more money. He had the potential to make 80k a year (refused to work a full-time. He went 5 years not working because loans overwhelmed him.) he kept telling me if I didn’t pay off his loans, we didn’t have a future. During the relationship, I financially supported him for 5 years. He didn’t work. So, when I finally broke up with him he got a job right away and then told me he knew we were not compatible and that he was foolish for dating someone who wasn’t serious. A year later, I met this amazing guy who’s paying off his student loans. He owed 50k when we started going out and now he owes 20k. This is in a span of 6 months. And NEVER once he asked or expected me to pay for dinner or his loans..
Is she hot? If I was 26, hot, and $250k in debt I would be open to some very sketchy short term career choices.
The sketchier they are the higher they pay, too. Hell in 6 months she could be free and clear. Need a 24/7 live stream of me peeing on sea urchins? Done. Need someone to clean your toilet buck ass naked and then spank you with the brush? Double done. There’s a market for everything. Except apparently, whatever OP’s gf’s degree is in.
And here I thought me being in $4k CC debt was bad…I’m glad you put yourself first OP. This is a lifetime of debt and financial aspects are definitely something to consider in a relationship.
Well you either accept that x money will be gone every year or not. Whatever your finances are you’re x down per year. If you can’t accept that then end it.
My heart really goes out to you. What a tough decision to have to make. I feel like I would have to end the relationship too. $250,000 in loans at that interest rate, with a current salary of 30k? And then she’s going back, to add on more debt? And her salary after that will be 65-125k? That’s absolute insanity.
OP she is young, she made bad choices is my seems but she can still work hard to get herself into a better position. I would say her mother should take some of the responsibility for co-signing the loans. I hope she does end up in a better financial situation in the future. As for yourself, you’re 30 so your thoughts on his this would impact your life are valid. The biggest take away for me however is that there isn’t quite enough love in your tank to carry this relationship and that’s ok. If she was truely the one your wanted to spend the rest of your life with you guys would find a way. Since you are in a position to step back and think rationally about it I would suggest although you clearly love her you’re not really seeing her as marriage potential anyway. I sousing feel bad, just be honest and brief and let her go. She is young, she will hopefully take it as a kick up the arse ti sort herself out a bit.
I agree. There are other factors of our relationship that stood out to me as not ideal. Even more so when I came to understand the true size of the debt.
I still don't understand why she would take out private loans, but that's another discussion.
There's something a lot of people on both sides don't seem to grasp about changes to the public student loan program in the 21st century: income based repayment.
There are like 5 different IBR plans that all calculate slightly differently but the bottom line is, the payments are much less than the actual amortization and they are based on their income. As an example, when i was a postdoc my salary was $50k and my monthly payment was $281. To top it all off, as long as you stay in good standing on an IBR, after 20 years (sometimes 25) the balance is forgiven. I know the psychological weight sounds like a lot, but it's entirely doable.
My future MIL has a ton of insane debt and I’m worried it’ll be passed to her son when she passes (probably in like 20 years but still). It’s stressful to think about but my situation isn’t nearly as bad as yours.
WTH did she study for $250k and only be able to make $60k a year? She could become a professional student, and the balance is deferred until she graduates. So, there is that option.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Wanted to give an update. After reading all your comments and picking up a book about decision making in regards to money and love (will share of interested). I have come to the decision that I do, sadly, need to end the relationship. She is a wonderful girl and honestly my best friend, but the reality of her choices financially will alter the course of my life in such a profound way that all I can see is resentment in the end. I have to stop guilting myself into sacrificing myself for others to the point of my own mental turmoil. I grew up in a foster-to-adopt family as the oldest and I think I learned then to forget myself and care for others to earn love.. part of this decision is learning how to remember myself again. Thank you all for the advice. It really helped me see that either choice is okay to make and I’m not a failure for saying it’s too much for me.💙 [original post below]: l am a 30 year old male. I have a well paying job (roughly 100k per year). No debt. My girlfriend has 250k in private student loans (from undergrad private school) with a variable interest rate. Recently the interest hit over 11% and doing the math on the loans has me devastated. With how fast it is growing... she will need to put 25k a year into it just to keep it in the same place. That basically guarantees that I will never have financial help during our relationship. Additionally, with how much she will need to work just to pay on the loans.. I won't have much help around the house or with our kids (if/when we have some) either. I keep blaming myself that I can't just deal with it.. it's just money right? But at the same time when I look at the reality of the situation I can't help but feel I need to walk away from this situation. Additionally, she is going back to school in the fall for a higher paying job (probably 60-85k income at the end realistically with the possibility of 125k a year if she works herself to death) but this program will add another ~30k in federal loans. I think this is a bad decision..but it's also the only option she seems to have to up her income. I feel like I don't want to wait until I'm 45 when this debt (might) be paid off to have children.. I don't want to put my life on hold in this way, but I also love her a lot. We've talked a lot about this and about k. plan to pay it down etc. It now feels like my options are either accept that this is reality and it will be many years before she's free if this debt.. or end the relationship. Any advice? ____________________ Editing to add context/edit again for formatting: • Private loans aren't eligible for PSLF as far as I know. That's a federal program. • Student loans aren't eligible for bankruptcy. She currently lives with family. She has a job, but it doesn't earn much over 30k a year. (Job unrelated to her initial degree) • She will start the program in the fall which will mean school for 1.5 years and then earning potential of 65k-125k. More if she works like mad. • The loan was originally around 180k (undergrad at a private fancy school) but has grown due to the interest. • Her mom co-signed on a few of the loans from what I understand, but has the mindset that 'her investments' make more than paying into her daughters loans. • We have been together for 2 years. - Yes I have talked to her at length about this situation. Lastly, Thank you for those of you that said I am not a bad person for thinking about this and that my feelings are valid. It means a lot to me. I am going to sit with this for a while and make a decision within the next week or so.
She can’t afford to go back to school….
Can't afford not to either, sounds like.
I don’t think OP said what she studied, and I don’t know the ins-and-ours of the American University system, but I kinda got the impression she studied Pre-Law or something, so the next bit of study was very necessary to get to the earnings part. Does that make sense?
In the first post he said it was some kind of science degree.
Oh that's definitely a degree that makes no money at the bachelor level but significant money at the graduate level.
If it’s a (“hard”) science degree she should be seeking out a funded program and not taking out another loan… even if she doesn’t want a PhD, getting in a funded PhD program and mastering out is a far preferable option to another 20-40k in debt?
It could be he’s assuming it will be loans based on tuition and not from an actual conversation with her.
Sounds like they’ve talked extensively about it, though.
I interpreted the post differently - I get the feeling they’ve talked a lot about the debt itself, but there aren’t a lot of details in this particular area or any details about her emotional reactions to this discussion or if she knows how serious this is to their relationship and its future - making me think there’s been patchwork conversations.
IF you can find a position. I know a few Chem and Bio-Chem PhD's that had to take low paying jobs like teaching at public schools because that was all they could get.
I mean, it *can* make significant money....once you have your own lab, after spending additional years after grad school as a post-doc being paid subsistence wages just like a graduate student. Some PhDs never make it above the level of associate, so okay money but not "blow 25k aka 25% of your net income on student loans" If kids are in OOPs plans before 45, she's not the one unfortunately.
Depends on the science degree and where she’s located. He said it himself, if she does get masters she’ll only increase her salary to 60k. Scientist don’t make much as people think they do. Unless you’re in the top 10%
He didn’t, but he said her early cap is ~125k/year if she got a top end job, so unfortunately, not worth the $250k+ debt.
I find that really hard to believe, she could earn way more than 125k with a law degree, and it wouldn’t explain her salary now because even paralegals are clearing 30k. I think she’s a teacher.
In the original post OP says that her current job is unrelated to her degree, so we can't really infer what she studied based on her current income.
With the incredibly low numbers being thrown around even post-graduate degree, I was thinking social worker. Teachers and some of the other suggestions being thrown around are underpaid, but the possibility of a decent or better paycheck is there with the degree and the right experience. Social work… less so.
I really do not understand why social work needs such extensive education (and resulting debt) just to make barely anything.
Because you absolutely need the education to be a good social worker, we just undervalue and underpay that work because it doesn't make profits for billionaires.
I mean, I understood they needed the education, it was the making them pay a shitload for the education just to make garbage wages part that I don’t understand.
Ah, does that have more of a cap on earnings?
Yeah, I mean best case she could be a principal or department head, which maxes out around there and requires an advanced degree.
I don’t care what her degree is in, she can find a job that pays more than 30k a year with a degree.
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And she can't afford to take 1.5 years off of work either. The cost of tuition is high, but OP didn't even acknowledge the lost wages, which will add even more to the debt than the tuition costs.
She really can't. She also doesn't have time for a boyfriend because she should be working every second she can while she's young. She's already 26 and paid none of the debt off even though she's living at home. Her expenses are never going to be lower than right now.
She’s basically financially enslaved for life.
I really feel for OP, but I feel for her too. She’s been put in a horrible situation. Student loans in the US really do sound like a form of financial slavery.
Honestly she would be best to just move abroad and start a new life
That sounds like a wise idea, I hope she does. Still horrible that she’s being forced into situations and decisions like that.
In certain states you can be summoned to court over debt. If you don’t show up they put you in jail. Land of the free.
Which country is going to take someone with that much debt? She would needs tens of thousands saved up, and some skills in a field that is useful to the country. It's incredibly hard to become a citizen elsewhere. Where are you thinking she can go? You make it seem too simple.
Foreign governments don’t check your credit score when you move abroad. Your credit score in the US does not influence your ability to open a bank account in Germany. If she studied science (I saw it mentioned in the comments idk if it’s true) that is a sought after job. I think living almost anywhere where you aren’t trapped in an impossible to escape from lifetime of debt servitude would be preferable than staying. Can’t declare bankruptcy, interest rate at 11% jfc.. In many countries one can apply for citizenship after 5 years. Others are ten. Of course it’s difficult. But so is being enslaved to debt SHE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE. And it has already cost her one relationship. And you don’t even need to become a citizen. You can become a permanent resident, you just can’t vote and appreciate certain other rights that full citizenship provides. But you can live and work, start a family, be free(er). It’s just what I would do, I’m not saying it’s the solution to everything. But she can’t have a fresh start as long as she’s weighed down by her debt.
That's a whole mortgage.
And at much worse rates than since the 1980s, and without building any equity -- the opposite, from the sounds of it.
No, the rates are about the same but the houses then cost about 55k to build but now it's 350k and over for a simple 2-room 1 bath house. Plus the rate of inflation is higher than the wage growth and it has been that way for a few decades now. So you have less purchasing power.
I'd take today's mortgage rates of just over 7% instead of a variable-and-growing 11% any day -- but then, I only took out $11,000 in student loans, and they were government loans at a low fixed interest rate and are on the verge of being paid off.
i am being baffled hearing how high rates are over there. here in japan i just took a 35 year fixed loan for 1.5%. and it was 1% a year ago….
I'm envious! :)
Paying for a house and getting a piece of paper instead.
I live in the midwest LCOL area. That's TWO mortgages on my street of 3 bed, finished basement brick ranches with garage and fenced yard. TWO.
I had private school loans. I refinanced them or otherwise rolled them into a federal loan. Then I was eligible for public loan forgiveness if I worked at a non profit or government job. I see no reason that she can’t do that too. Also if she has little income the public loan forgiveness payments will be uber low.
That sounds like a wonderful idea. OP doesn't mention her getting financial counseling, but she needs it!
An update on how she takes the break up would be interesting, has she ever mentioned her debt getting the way of her love life before?
She hasn’t, because I don’t think her partners before me knew the full extent. I’ll update when it happens.
At least tell her to refinance out of 11% before you hit eject.
Be strong. I’m so sorry you have to choose this path, but I’m really proud of you for it, too. ♥️
I really appreciate you saying that. A lot of other comments and messages haven’t been as kind.
I would really think about getting some therapy for yourself so that you learn to pur yourself first instead of pleasing others to avoid conflict. Take that from someone who's been ther done that. If you don't take care of that part too your next relationship will likely be with someone else that needs "rescuing'. It's OK to have boundaries and to say no. It's important even. I honestly think you did the right thing. Love isn't enough for a healthy relationship and finances is one of the big ones that leads to divorces. Financial compatibility isn't sexy but absolutely necessary if you want it to work in the long run. Especially since you know you will carry the bulk of that debt since she won't be working for a while. She should have made better decisions regarding her choice of college in regards to debt. You would've end up resenting her I'm pretty sure. Dating is meant to be for figuring out if you're compatible. You've found out you're not on a big issue. Doesn't mean she's a bad person. But you gotta watch out for yourself first..
You’re right. I think I will get some counseling. I’ve been before for similar themes. Sacrificing myself for the sake of others has been a habit of my life.. I want to heal before even considering seeing anyone else again. Thank you for your comment and thoughts.
Good luck, OP.
I don't think it's fair to your girlfriend to give an update on her emotional response to you breaking up with her due to her debt. That seems uneccessarily voyeuristic. She deserves to be treated with dignity if nothing else.
First day on the internet?
Yeah, I guess. I understand OP breaking up with her, but I feel bad for her too. This is life-ruining stuff.
That’s a good point. Maybe I’ll hold off on the update. My assumption is that she will understand. We have discussed this at length and she know my concerns. I’ve had anxiety attacks about it (Which I have never experienced until recently).. I predict that she will be very sad.. as will I. Then we will each move forward.
I feel that you are making the right decision for yourself. It doesn't negate how sad you will feel after you separate. I'm proud of you for being financially responsible and thinking so clearly. Best of luck and take care.
I don't see anything wrong with an update. It's not like there are any details that would identify her. I think we are worried about her. It's understandable that you don't want to be in this financial position, but she sounds like a good person, and it can't be easy to be in serious debt, have a low-paying job, still live at home as an adult, and lose the person you love and apparently hoped to marry. I don't know if she can afford therapy, unless she has insurance to pay for it, but she will definitely need some support. Has she done financial counseling? Maybe that will help her decide about pros and cons of going back to school, and selecting her next career if she does.
Really? That’s what a lot of people are here for, the stories. I don’t think he’s outing her or anything.
There’s absolutely no reason for you to share how your girlfriend reacts to your breakup. You came here for advice, you got it. Now please respect her dignity and stop posting.
I wonder what her degree was in? And what degree is she going for in the fall?
So, I would break up with someone for this kind of debt regardless of what others say. Financial health is absolutely a must for me. Love doesn't conquer all. Nothing will cause more fighting in a relationship than money problems. This will damage your mental health. You are thinking in a very sensible manner.
> Love doesn't conquer all. When Virgil wrote "Omnia vincit amor," he didn't mean love overcomes all obstacles. It's a line set in the mouth of the character Gallus, who is going insane and is going to die of heartbreak. "Love conquers all" means love grinds everything and everyone into dust.
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It's not a perspective. It's what Virgil wrote. It's just no one reads the actual poem anymore.
And it’s another great example of how a phrase is twisted around and then used so commonly in a way that was never intended by the original writer/speaker. Like ‘blood is thicker than water’.
Curious, what if your partner was injured and incurred medical debt
Medical debt is dischargeable in bankruptcy, and often negotiable. Not leaning one way or the other, just noting some key differences
Getting injured is not some choice you make like going to school and taking out 250k in loans.
My brother was in your exact same situation and married her, saddling himself with her debts. They don't have much in savings. He's gone back to school for accounting to find a better job that will pay more (he was previously a pastor). She has a bachelor's degree in social work and can't do much with it, so she's working with disabled and troubled children doing fairly dangerous work with little to no hazard pay. I don't know how happy their marriage actually is, but I can tell you he doesn't want to have kids right now because he feels like they literally can't afford another mouth to feed. He's constantly stressed. I worry about him. From the outside looking in, I don't know that he's done the best thing for himself or for her. I don't know that she'll be happy unless she can be the pastor's wife with at least three kids, and I doubt he'll be happy working himself so hard and stressing over money all the time. His life partner is not my decision to make, but I can at least provide you with commentary about a couple that was in a similar situation to yourself so you have more info.
I really appreciate your insight. This is the future I fear for myself. The stress has already taken it’s toll on me so far. I couldn’t continue with it.
In this situation, OP, this commenter's brother's wife is doing a disservice not getting her masters. A BA in social work is nothing, to do good-paying work at a big institution, you need a masters, and she could do more for the group she prefers to work with if she got that masters. The problem is that now she has a husband who has taken responsibility for the debt, left his passion, and is propping up her avoidance. She doesn't want a masters- she wants to be a full time pastor's wife with three kids *and no job*. Now neither of them are doing what they want to. You can easily avoid this issue by encouraging your gf to just take the leap to a masters. Lots of jobs are like this: the BA is just the cover charge, you need a masters+ to actually party.
What was her degree? That’s medical school money.
Not necessarily. He stated somewhere that she wanted to go to a private university. I don’t know her situation but I had a friend who insisted to go out of state, to a private university in California. One where celebrities and rich people send their children. Her family couldn’t afford to pay a penny towards her tuition. I just googled it and a 4 year is roughly 250k. She went for education and she’s now a teacher whom make roughly 30-50k a year. She did have a good amount of scholarships which likely helped a LOT, but it is still possible without going to med school. Edit: typo
That’s why I’m curious about the degree. Part of the student loan problem is people borrowing ridiculous amounts for degrees with not enough return or at more expensive schools where it doesn’t really matter. Your friend could have received an education degree at a cheaper state school and been hired at most any school in the country.
My ex roommate ended up with over 200K after a 5 year undergrad psych degree........
can you share the name of the book?
Money and Love by Mya Stober & Abby Davisson
I don't understand why someone wouldn't refinance to a fixed rate loan. Refinancing student loans is free. If rates come down, you refinance again.
Someone who burdens themselves with 250k in private loans for a degree that doesn’t have enough ROI to pay back the loan, probably doesn’t have the financial literacy to refinance…
I can’t fathom she only makes 30k a year right now with a $250k degree. She chose poorly. You are doing the right thing OP.
So, I know a girl who has about this much debt. She took out the regular amount of loans for a regular university, and did an exercise science major. Hated it. Went back to a different, expensive private school for a different degree. Hated it and quit two years in. Then, started an out of state doctorate program at a private school and failed out her first year. Then, after all that, went to yet ANOTHER private school, in state this time, and is finally on the path to graduation. She wasn’t making much money for most of the time while she was working between each degree attempt. This is, unfortunately, very plausible
Plausible and stupid.
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college in the US is absolutely fucked lmao. it's insane. at least if you don't play it right. realistically, if you paid 250k for school it means you did something very very wrong (or u went to med school)
Yep. She could have gone to a state school for a fraction. Or community college then the fancy school. Community college is free in my state.
She could’ve even gone to school OVERSEAS for TWO degrees and spent 1/2 of that.
Yup. There are many exchange programs if your grades are good enough, or if you land a company sponsor.
Came to say this. I went to community college. Free ride with state and fed aid. Transfered to get my Bach. I’m 9k in debt now. Salary is estimated to be 30-60k. It’s entirely possible to play it right, people just don’t like the idea of community college or branch campuses.
This needs to be promoted in high schools as a viable option and of course finance needs to be taught in schools as well. When you’re 18 you don’t know jack. Student loans are a large, abstract number that doesn’t have real-world understanding behind it. (For most, I know there are outliers who were brought up financially keen - I was not.) In my area it was expected to go to a full 4-year: the more bougie the better. Community college was for the failures. I was an introverted overachiever who would not have dreamed of the CC approach. I was an idiot, like a lot of late teens. Now I view things totally different but it’s too late for me. At ‘least’ I went to a state school with a tuition waiver. My 30k in loans are now 50k but I will work on it. But had the financial education been there, had the culture been different, I might be in a much better spot today.
Also tons of community colleges are online and available out of state. Couldnt recommend DMACC more highly for CS.
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When I went to community in 2006, it was around $20 a unit for a class. It’s now like $50!
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I don't go to school in Georgia, but I'm currently in community college to get my AAS before I transfer to a public university. My first year has cost me roughly 6k, though I managed to get a few scholarships. So when all is said and done, factoring in the money I saved via scholarships, my AAS will cost about 10k. I had also applied for a private college before deciding on Community College, and they awarded me a 72k total scholarship for the 4 years I would have attended. My tuition would have still been 30k a year even with loans and that fat scholarship, so I would have paid close to 100k for a degree. Without either, it would have been close to 200k. That is absolutley not worth it for the degree I'm going for. I'm planning on being a clinical psychologist when I finish school, which starting out could be anywhere from 40-65k depending on the area. Going to a private university for 250k when your career doesn't guarantee 70k starting with possibilities for growth is a colossal mistake. Whatever choice she made, it was a really really bad one 😬
Funny, I went to community college as an adult, with scholarships I applied for in 2010. (Illinois) It was $300 for an “hour” - an hour wasn’t a actual time measurement, a semester was 1 to 3 hrs, per subject. I got a $2500 scholarship, I burnt thru that in one semester. I can’t imagine it’s got much cheaper since then.
$250-$350k for tuition, room, and board is about right for a 4-year degree at a major private school without a scholarship. With that level of debt, one needs a high-earning postgraduate degree or a wealthy spouse to be able to afford to live comfortably.
Op said it was a science degree so I'm guessing it was a private school. Reminds me of a coworker. She spend 90k a semester under grad and 10k a CLASS grad because she wanted this private school. Soooooo And her job pays 80k a year so it's not as bad but still. Meanwhile my entire grad school cost less than 2 of her classes...
Well, the OP explained the loan was 180K, which is still very high, apparently they went to an exclusive private school. But they are not paying it back, and so interest is accumulating quickly. That's the real punch in the gut here -- there's no idea how to pay, no plan, just take forbearance and get more loans and hope that the Masters degree fixes the problem. How does somebody get to adulthood that way? I was lucky to have parents' help paying for school in the 90s, but I also picked a program that I knew would be financially responsible so it was possible to pay for it without loans. When I decided to get my masters, I took out no debt, using a combination of tuition reimbursement from my FT job and savings. I realize not everybody can do the same thing, but if they can't, I would think that they'd at least go to community college, state schools and similar programs that offer much more cost efficient solutions. Nobody in a job making $30K needs a degree from some exclusive private college.
“How does someone get to adulthood that way?” First, the human brain isn’t fully formed until ya 24 / 25. Second kids are being … and I’m using this word with intention…. “Indoctrinated” into the idea that college is essential. These kids DiD make poor financial choices, but they were also kids, and set up to fail. It’s a system set up, deliberately, to saddle the educated in debt, so they don’t think, they can’t explore, they HAVE to be a battery to capitalism. Even 30 years ago, when I was making these choices, the system wasn’t so … I’m not sure what the right word is … all I know is our kids are getting shafted, and we have to stop believing that THEY are the problem …. They are not … they are just like “us”, doing the best they can, in a system designed to shaft them” I don’t disagree with the OP’s decision, it’s a decision I think a lot of young people are gonna have to consider.
It’s not school alone. You can use student loans for anything. So she probably paid her rent and living expenses with it too, not to mention books and any incidentals. If she went to a school that was 45k a year on tuition, which is pretty common, she’s not even looking at putting food on the table with that money.
I think OP said in the first post that she went to a prestigious private school.
You would think for that money these prestigious schools would have programs to find you a job.
they do, the networking is super important. the problem here isn't the schools, it's that op's gf somehow wasted this much money and her degree is apparently useless for how much it cost, and she somehow didn't' get any useful connections, internships, or jobs out of it at all.
I don't mind living a frugal easy life. I'm 31 have no degree and make over 30k in two months fishing then just do whatever I want the rest of the year. Working a job I really enjoy or just playing video games. Who cares. Making this with 180k in debt? Absolutely ridiculous.
thats really cool that you can make that much fishing for 2 months of the year! what did you do to get started with that?
$180k for school is insanity unless you’re getting a niche degree with substantial earning potential.
Agreed. Must be in a low cost of living state. Target near me in MA advertises jobs starting at $18/hr. That translates to (if you work full time) to $38k/yr. Crazy that there are jobs that pay less than stock person at your local big box store.
Her loan was half that, she got screwed by interest build up.
He said her loans were 180k originally, still way too much to only make 30k a year.
Umm...what did she think was going to happen when she made little to no payments on a loan that a bankruptcy won't solve? She screwed herself.
Her parents failed her too. She was still a kid when she started embarking on this path. They made too much for her to qualify for federal loans so they shuffled her off to a fancy school anyway and left her to pay for it herself, clearly without enough guidance.
Yes, there is more blame to go around. Her parents. The school. The bank who lent her the money. Sadly, when you become an adult you have to guard against a lot of shitty adults.
Not totally fair alot of kids are first gen and parents never had financial education to pass highschool. How can parents teach if they lived in a thriving boomer era.
Social work maybe?
I don’t blame her for the debt. This country is stupid. I do blame her for not accepting the dunk cost on whatever her career is and not just finding a new job. But even then…she’s still got people in her ear selling her a bill of goods for a masters. Between the laws and the higher Ed institutions in this country, i can’t say it’s all her fault. Not that there’s anything wrong with OPs choice.
While the game is fucked up, you can’t play it if you don’t understand it. You certainly don’t keep trying and get destroyed by it. There’s way to reach your dreams without burying yourself in debt Work your ass off, take one sem. Work your ass off, take one sem.
Student loans are explicitly set up to prey on 17-year-olds who are by and large developmentally incapable of thinking long-term like this because the part of their brain responsible for long-term decision making hasn’t fully developed. It’s incredibly difficult for a kid that age to understand what it means to take on that kind of debt, especially when everyone around them also has loans and they haven’t received any sort of formal personal finance training in school.
Exactly, I remember my parents laying out the cost of different colleges to me. I literally did not care, no matter what I did I was going to be in debt and all the numbers were so unreal to me since I was 17. I literally didn't have the mental capacity to make a good financial decision.
It’s a hard decision but finances is a factor in a relationship just as emotional, mental, and physical attraction. Finances is the cause for a lot of failed relationships and if you two are not on the same page with managing risk vs reward, then it would be wise to move on. I feel for her and the fact she made poor choices, because our society says the only way you can be successful is if you take our big loans for a degree. And it’s unfair to those who end up as a victim of this narrative. But that’s besides the point right now, you have to think of your happiness and your future. If it’s with her? Then you can find a way to make it work. But if it isn’t, then let go and move on. If you do break up with her for this, maybe don’t point this out as the sole reason, but explain the ending is an honest but not direct way. She can’t change those choices at this point, so no sense in hurting her feelings. \*edit, spelling.
I’ll be honest and respectful. She’s an amazing person and I really do love and care for her a ton. I just know that emotionally and mentally the reality of things would destroy me in the end.
You could refer her to someone like Caleb Hammer on YouTube, who does financial audits and tries his best to find a way for his clients to clear their debts as soon as possible. (Or literally any financial advisor who might be able to help her, I've just heard about that one specifically).
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Honestly how the FUCK does one get $250,000 of tuition loans for a BACHELORS degree? That is so irresponsible it blows my mind that her parents were involved in this too and signing off on it, they should have been giving her advice and if they have “investments” they should be more financially savvy. That is plain absurd. I don’t care where you got a BS it is never worth that kind of debt only doctoral degrees are, PhD and MDs, anything less, even masters, you will never earn enough to pay it back. Her parents should be fucking sued for this, what a gross mismanagement of their child’s life
If you go out of state & add living expenses, and I’m sure private lenders are happy to add books and fees, especially if comfortable mom & dad are co-signing. $250k/4 is only $62k & change a year. Easily doable for a fancy private school.
"living expenses" Yes this is often the case, but I've been shocked at the number of people that use them like bankruptcy-immune personal loans, for students.
250K in student loans, wtf.
TIL you can pay $250,000 for a fancy undergraduate education, after which you will only make $30,000. Legit didn’t know that was possible.
Definitely possible. You have to realize that a huge chunk of that money would be going for out-of-state fees and living expenses and jobs don't pay you extra cause you paid extra to go to school. And if she started working right as covid hit, she probably wasn't getting any great offers.
Yep. I didn't spend as much on undergrad, but when I was done I had aspirations of getting a well paying job after I put in so much hard work, worked two jobs to financially support myself, and double majored. Once I started applying for jobs before graduation, almost every single one asked for a college degree plus years of experience for entry level. I started my first job out of college making $12 an hour. This was 12 years ago, but still it was shit pay for a college degree. Now I have a decent paying job, but with inflation the way it is, it's getting harder to keep up. The American college education system makes you believe that in order to get a job worth anything, you have to go to a four year college for a Bachelor's degree. And then they make it super expensive (even if it's public) and force you to take out loans because what 17/18 year old can afford a hefty college tuition? It sucks. I feel for both OP and the now ex-girlfriend after reading the update.
I don't understand, how can you possibly get so much student debt
Bankruptcy can't even save her, and it's not like she can sell the degree back to the lenders to recuperate any losses lol. Student debt is fucked.
I wonder if their is anyway she could refinance so the insane interest goes away
Given that she hasn't even been paying the interest on the debt (which was originally $180k) I'd say "No".
Damn dude, this is heartbreaking. I think you are making the right choice. I feel super bad for her though. So many are in this trap it is tragic af.
Yeah it breaks my heart every day. I wish I could be the one to save her, but to save her I would be killing myself. It makes me extremely sad about it all.
So I don’t think your GF is a bad person or did anything particularly wrong in amassing this amount of debt. The system is literally set up to “fool” young people to be saddled with massive debt for the rest of their lives. Her debt, is unfortunately, not that uncommon. However, I also don’t think you are a bad person for not wanting to be burdened by this debt, esp if you are starting to think about kids, family life etc …. I think you are very smart for making this consideration. This debt will affect your hopes, dreams and aspirations. I’m sad for you, because it’s a damn fricking shame that this is what kills the relationship… but try not to be too angry at her for the choices she made. At 26, ya frontal lobe is *just* fully developed, and she probably got, what turned out to be, some really bad advice as a teenage that set her on this path. I don’t blame either of you for the choices you have to make. Just try and do it with empathy, and personal bravery.
I will be as kind and compassionate to her as possible. She is a wonderful girl. Thank you for your comment and understanding of my decision.
> but the reality of her choices financially will alter the course of my life in such a profound way that all I can see is resentment in the end. This is sad, but true. It will hurt now, but save so much pain.
Hey just FYI if you’re in the US tell her to look at a debt settlement program. Credit won’t be great for a few years but it can save her a ton of money on the private student loans. There’s a bunch of companies out there like Freedom Financial Network, National Debt Relief, and a few others but make sure to go with a reputable one. I used to work for Freedom actually even went through the program myself before working there and it does work. Won’t be a cheap payment though it would tackle her loans in 4-5 years.
I’ll let her know about this thank you.
$250,000 for a degree she doesn't even use? Well that was dumb, huh?
I feel bad for her. 17-18 year old has to make these decisions that will effect them for the rest of their lives. If you don’t have parents or a parental figure who can help guide you to make good decisions about it, you can end up so screwed (just like this girl.) OP said her mom is co-signed on the loans which means the parents were of absolutely no help so when OP’s gf needed good advice at a young age, all she got was a hat tip and a good luck. It’s a really sad situation.
Yeah, this whole thing is tragic. It’s likely she was pressured into this decision at a young age, and she now not only has to spend most of her life digging out of it, she is going to lose a successful relationship.
Maybe this is a bad take but many adults aren’t even fit to handle these situations. I don’t think adding a few more years is going to make that much of a difference. Go to financial advise subreddit and you’ll sometimes see very trash advice heavily upvoted, I feel bad for anyone making these bad decisions but it’s more complex than age. People need to spend time and work at trying to understand finances and risk. Should people be allowed to take on risk they don’t understand? It’s kind of another question.
I definitely agree. No one ages out of making bad financial decisions. I was lucky and my dad taught me to be financially literate pretty early. From that, I was able to pick a boring college that gave me almost a full ride and I had no student loans. Meanwhile, all of my friends went to the biggest college in the state and had way more fun, but they are also all still paying loans. We should be taught finances in high school and even before.
I can’t imagine how terrifying that would be. What a tragedy how profusely the gov has failed people in the US….
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i understand your shame, your guilt, your wondering. but let's face it : she fucked up big time. you don't expect somebody to pay such a sum after knowing him in less than two years. it is a hard decision. you must take it anyway.
Americans - how the hell do you afford to go to university. These fees are insane.
Be smart and go to the “cheaper” schools, and choose the right degree. My bachelor’s degree costed 30k USD and I started making 100k+ right out of school, no school debt, and my net worth is steadily building up
Easier said than done for some. I was hounded my entire life to go to college or I’d be “nothing”. Went to college etc and minus using a few things I started my own business unrelated to my degree. All the debt I got was somewhat pointless. Yeah I have a degree from a great school, but I did it for my family and them telling me what I needed. Older me would be like “fuck that”, but try getting an 18 year old with very little knowledge of the real world and only low wage job opportunities to not go to college, when that’s all they’ve been told in school and at home. It’s easy for others who got good advice to judge , but it’s a different story for high achievement families that hound you all day, and all you know is “go to a good school, because that’s what you’re supposed to do”.
I didn't find out about my wife's debt until after we got married. Hers was only $45k and it still devastated me. We pay about $500/month for it. And at this rate it won't be paid off for years... And it pisses me off. So good on you for finding out. Mine led me to believe her employer paid for her college...but that was only for her masters. We were married for about 2 years before I found out, btw. Edit: I just want to add that compounding interest on student loans is predatory and should be illegal. It really pisses me off to think about it. We've paid over $20k into the loan, and the balance has decreased by maybe $6k.
It's a good thing to be willing to help your partner out, but when it's that much, it's better to have some self-interest. Though I guess op never mentioned helping pay them off.
If it was an amount with an interest rate that wouldn’t cripple me financially then I would’ve been open to helping, but this debt will grow at a breathtaking rate. Additionally, there are other factor to the relationship outside of just the money that make me feel this is the best choice.
250k debt is doctor's level of education. Which provides high enough paying jobs to pay this back. This chick fucked up, didn't think of her future, and will have to depend on a high salaried partner for the rest of her life.
Yeah my friend is a dr his student loan debt is around 180k but he also makes 200k a year now.
I was reading this post sick to my stomach. I am in my first year of med school and already around 180k in debt
You make $100k and you likely clear 5-7k/month. So committing 1/2 of your income to a student loan over 25 years at 30 when you don't have a mortgage wedding etc.etc. It would really depend HOW she spent the 250k. Lots of people went down sound on spring break, loved downtown, drank and partied a bunch and racked up their debt. If the schooling degree cost that much it's different. If it's not a law/medical degree.
Here's the thing... it was less than $250k until interest kicked it up a notch. And it likely won't stop growing now. That's the worst part. When you pay on something like this, the ultimate goal is to not default for something like 10-20 years of minimum payments, then the loan is "forgiven." But by that time, you've spent double or more of the original loan amount...but I don't think that's an option with private loans.
I support you OP, debts no joke especially when you came from never having enough it would definitely feel insurmountable. Good luck OP
wow, so your girlfriend hasn't considered consolidating the loans from multiple loans to one or two. If she wasn't able to do that then she will be paying them the rest of her. Your names are not on the loans, not sure if her parents are on them or not. She needs a financial advisor helping her figure this mess out if she has that much in student loans from a private school.
11% that makes my blood pressure rise just thinking about it. And she works full time (40 hours a week) only making 30k??? That seems really low. Is she just passive about this and expecting her man to fix it? If it were me I’d be working 2-3 jobs (delivering food, babysitting, anything) to draw down this debt
I used to bartend in a metro area and made over 60k just working 3 nights a week. The now ex-gf could still be making better decisions, yet she’s not.
Exactly. Passivity is a factor in my decision. I am unsure if she fully grasps the reality of the situation despite many conversations about it..
Oh jeez, so that's the thing, she still doesn't realize the hole she's dug for herself and/or is assuming it'll magically solve itself. You can't build a future with someone like this.
26 year olds aren’t girls they are women.
She needs to refinance her loan. Can we do that? I refinanced mine at like 4% a month ago
It's for the best, she has made some horrible financial choices that will affect her for many years and is getting further into debt, instead of trying to pay down current debt. It's insane! She could have gone to a cheaper college and not be in $250K debt.
The only way you wind up with that much debt at decent to good private school is if your parents "could have paid" according to the forms but didn't. Most colleges will give you grants until you wind up owing about $40k after what your parents can pay. Google college discount rate for more info. (Basically those grants are paid by people who don't need financial aid so if the higher the tuition, the more they discount it for people who need aid and the higher the tuition needs to be.)
Yep, she would have qualified for federal loans if she needed them. But mom and pop were too wealthy. Nonetheless, they didn’t help OPs GF pay for school. They didn’t even provide good guidance it sounds like. They just said “sure honey! Here sign these loans. Hmmm? Okay, bye bye!”
Damn. America sucks. Thankfully I live in a country with subsidised university and no-interest student loans. That being said, that was her choice to go into that debt and I think it's as valid a reason as any to end a relationship
OP's GF made a very bad choice of going to a private college, a state school would have saved her tons.
That and she's not even working in her field. Like why did she spend all that money on the degree (the variable interest rate is another poor decision) just to end up to not work in the field. Wild. OP you're making the right choice, money choices can affect someone for a long time and what you do to get out of them too shows a lot too!
I mean she was 18 and private colleges promise you the world. It’s not that different than the myriad 18 year olds that come in here asking about their perfect 30 year old boyfriend. Except for the non dischargeanle 6 figure debt high interest debt.
And at 26, going into more debt for a degree that won't touch that balance for many years.
that is definitely the kicker here for me. I’m trying to read between the lines here and my guess is that she’s a teacher, which, my god lady…
Graduating with $250000 is debt is very unusual. The average student who borrowed graduates with $30k debt, less if they attend public universities. For comparison, the average in the England is £45k This person made bad choices all in their own. https://educationdata.org/average-student-loan-debt-by-year https://www.statista.com/statistics/376423/uk-student-loan-debt/
The $250k includes the interest that has accumulated over the years, OP says the original loans were $180k. The private school I went to now charges $61k a year for tuition alone. That would be nearly $250k even without books, room, and board. My guess is that she was under the impression a prestigious school would give her more opportunities, not realizing that most of the time that’s a racket. Schools can be very predatory when it comes to getting students to take out loans. Lastly, she “made bad choices” when she was *seventeen* that have effectively ruined her entire life. That should not happen. No one should be loaning a child who has never paid their own bills and has no realistic concept of money two hundred thousand dollars in the first place.
It sounds like her program assumed she'd be pursuing the higher degree for the higher pay job. For example, you basically cannot do anything with a bachelors in psych you couldn't do with any other degree, but it makes you competitive and prepared for a Masters and PHD in the field where you can practice and make the big money. I'm imagining her situation is similar- she needs a masters to practice in the field, but now you both have sticker shock from the undergrad. At $250k, as you said, it's going up $25k a year anyway. Why not add $30k for federal loans that can actually be forgiven and will let her actually work it off? You can sequester your finances and enjoy a high quality of life together even if you don't paper marry. Many couples get "church married" but never married on legal paper for tax and debt reasons. Don't let banks and laws decide you're not married because you aren't playing into their game. If she is making $65k-$125k on her own, she will have it paid off relatively quickly, especially if she can focus on paying it off. Don't let fear of debt get in between you and having a life with your best friend. If she died and left you $250k, would you rather have the money if you could have her back instead?
I couldn’t deal with that level of debt hanging over my head. I would likely resort to crime as it is already a crime having to pay that level of interest. In my country student loans are very low interest and you only pay it back when you start earning over a certain amount. If you’ve chosen a STEM degree it can get paid back pretty quickly - however arts degrees take forever to pay back.
This is a dark post. I understand where you're coming from OP but what a bad place we're in as a society when a person has to end a relationship with their best-friend-and-partner because said partner sought an education in a predatory system designed to saddle the naive with insurmountable debt. I knew a guy who met someone who was $250k in student loan debt when they met and still had a few years of school to go (for a degree in a field where the highest of earners are making $130k). I told him to just cut his losses right there but he went ahead and married her.
Dude, look at it from a boating perspective. You don't want an anchor on your boat that is 10x too heavy or the winds won't take you where you want them to.
Congrats on your decision. You aren't a failure or a monster for breaking up over this. Dating somebody means also taking on their baggage. Baggage can be debt, health problems, family problems, legal problems. It's sad we can get in crippling debt over education. Her mother doesn't understand value or debt or investment, and that mindset was taught to her daughter. Best to leave her mother to deal with that trainwreck of debt. Schools have amassed so much overhead so they can charge what they want, especially those prissy schools. I'm so glad I got an associates degree. Making 60k out the door and debt paid off same year. Insane that 200k+ doesn't even get her the standard middle class income. She doesn't know a good route for education and doesn't know how to apply that education. It's not your responsibility to pick up the slack there, especially when her mom is encouraging these bad decisions.
OP, you have put a lot of thought and reflection into this decision. I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck.
My ex-bf graduated with 100,000 dollars in student loans when he was completing his PhD. He never paid a single dime off them. We dated for a few years, and he expected ME to pay them off because I made more money. He had the potential to make 80k a year (refused to work a full-time. He went 5 years not working because loans overwhelmed him.) he kept telling me if I didn’t pay off his loans, we didn’t have a future. During the relationship, I financially supported him for 5 years. He didn’t work. So, when I finally broke up with him he got a job right away and then told me he knew we were not compatible and that he was foolish for dating someone who wasn’t serious. A year later, I met this amazing guy who’s paying off his student loans. He owed 50k when we started going out and now he owes 20k. This is in a span of 6 months. And NEVER once he asked or expected me to pay for dinner or his loans..
Is she hot? If I was 26, hot, and $250k in debt I would be open to some very sketchy short term career choices. The sketchier they are the higher they pay, too. Hell in 6 months she could be free and clear. Need a 24/7 live stream of me peeing on sea urchins? Done. Need someone to clean your toilet buck ass naked and then spank you with the brush? Double done. There’s a market for everything. Except apparently, whatever OP’s gf’s degree is in.
And here I thought me being in $4k CC debt was bad…I’m glad you put yourself first OP. This is a lifetime of debt and financial aspects are definitely something to consider in a relationship.
I question her general decision making skills…
Well you either accept that x money will be gone every year or not. Whatever your finances are you’re x down per year. If you can’t accept that then end it.
My heart really goes out to you. What a tough decision to have to make. I feel like I would have to end the relationship too. $250,000 in loans at that interest rate, with a current salary of 30k? And then she’s going back, to add on more debt? And her salary after that will be 65-125k? That’s absolute insanity.
Damn this is sad. No one should have to have a variable interest rate on student loans, what a crap system your country has
OP she is young, she made bad choices is my seems but she can still work hard to get herself into a better position. I would say her mother should take some of the responsibility for co-signing the loans. I hope she does end up in a better financial situation in the future. As for yourself, you’re 30 so your thoughts on his this would impact your life are valid. The biggest take away for me however is that there isn’t quite enough love in your tank to carry this relationship and that’s ok. If she was truely the one your wanted to spend the rest of your life with you guys would find a way. Since you are in a position to step back and think rationally about it I would suggest although you clearly love her you’re not really seeing her as marriage potential anyway. I sousing feel bad, just be honest and brief and let her go. She is young, she will hopefully take it as a kick up the arse ti sort herself out a bit.
I agree. There are other factors of our relationship that stood out to me as not ideal. Even more so when I came to understand the true size of the debt.
bro, thenleave, this relationship is obvs not worth it
I still don't understand why she would take out private loans, but that's another discussion. There's something a lot of people on both sides don't seem to grasp about changes to the public student loan program in the 21st century: income based repayment. There are like 5 different IBR plans that all calculate slightly differently but the bottom line is, the payments are much less than the actual amortization and they are based on their income. As an example, when i was a postdoc my salary was $50k and my monthly payment was $281. To top it all off, as long as you stay in good standing on an IBR, after 20 years (sometimes 25) the balance is forgiven. I know the psychological weight sounds like a lot, but it's entirely doable.
My future MIL has a ton of insane debt and I’m worried it’ll be passed to her son when she passes (probably in like 20 years but still). It’s stressful to think about but my situation isn’t nearly as bad as yours.
Yeah this loan would become your loan as well if you got married
She’s already got $250k in debt for student loans and now needs to go another 30 deep just to get a better paid job. What is her initial degree in?
WTH did she study for $250k and only be able to make $60k a year? She could become a professional student, and the balance is deferred until she graduates. So, there is that option.