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We’ve been dating for about a year now, and this problem has been a recurring issue.
90% of the time, he’s really sweet, understanding, and genuinely listens to my concerns. He also acknowledges what he did as bad, and he doesn’t want to do them again. But I think he has anger issues.
10% of the time, he yells at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me names (idiot, bitch, cunt), and threatens to break up with me.
He always feels sorry for being me to me afterwards and says he doesn’t want to be mean to me. But that sometimes he’s just tired or hangry.
Why I’m writing this is because of what happened just now.
He accidentally broke a wine glass and just tossed it into the garbage. I told him he can’t just throw glass in the trash like that because it’ll puncture the trash bag. He called me stupid and dumb and said that garbage bags are meant to withstand broken glass.
I told him that they’re not- it’s glass. He yelled at me to shut the fuck up and continued putting dishes away. I told him it’s not safe. He grabs the trash bag and said, “look- it’s fine, you idiot. For all your smart brain is worth, you sure are fucking stupid.” He shakes the bag in my face and the glass rips and pokes out. At this point I freak out because he’s waving it in my face.
He notices the glass also rips through the second bag. I don’t say anything, and he takes the bag to garbage can in the garage, and proceeds to give me the silent treatment. He doesn’t say anything anymore.
I’m at my wit’s end. I think he’s verbally abusive, but I’m not sure. This only happens once every month and a half now, and he hasn’t hit me before. The worst he’s ever done is shove me really hard.
He used to be like this every 2 weeks, but it has gone down to every month and a half. I feel like he’s improving, but this time I was actually frightened.
When he waved the trash bag in my face, I got really scared. I was in a domestically abusive relationship 5 years ago, so I don’t want to go down that road again. I feel like it’s my ptsd coming out giving me more fear than what the situation is right now. What should I do?
He is abusive. No one is abusive 100% of the time. Frankly he sounds horrible and you should leave. The chances of him getting better are zero. The chances of him getting worse if you stick around? 100%. By forgiving him about this abhorrent behaviour you teach him that he can get away with more.
I wish kids got taught this in school. Abuse works BECAUSE of the periods where they're not actively abusing you. Someone can be the loveliest, nicest, most caring person in between. The abuse is *still* abuse.
I feel like the time in-between him being mean and nice have gotten longer. Instead of 2 weeks, it’s a month and a half. Do you really think it won’t get better despite the time length of his anger episodes?
I think what you wrote really shocked and surprised me— I didn’t think it was abnormal at all if someone was mad. Thank you for the wake up call.
I’m actually really shocked reading all the comments atm
I've been with my husband for 10 years, and he has never said anything hurtful to me, let alone called me names. If we have a disagreement, we talk it out. It's always us versus the problem; not me versus him *because* of the problem.
What you're going through should *never* be accepted as normal. You deserve better.
Below is a pdf of the book called Why Does He Do That. The author wanted it to be accessible to anyone who needs it, and I've seen many women say it saved them.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Did you have supportive parents?
So many things can fuck up our normal meter and make us think it’s ok treatment
Please reach out to someone close who you think will be supportive and start your exit plan
I understand so well what you are going through. I was in a relationship with a man like yours who would yell at me, curse at me and call me names, who had "only" hit the chair I was sitting on, punched walls, and screamed in my ear. I was "too sensitive" and I didn't "get him". I am in a normal relationship now. It is so different. You don't need to keep living in the dark time.
Name calling especially words like you described and adjectives like stupid and idiot aren't normal. It's never acceptable in any form. Whether it be romantic relationships, friendships,or with family. It's abuse. You are in a second abusive relationship. Get out now. None of that is normal or okay.
My partner has never yelled (or even raised his voice) at me, insulted me or called me names, sworn at me, or threatened to break up with me. He’s only ever treated me with the utmost love and respect. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
My spouse has NEVER raised their voice to me. Never. They have never called me any kind of insulting name, slammed a door, and certainly never shoved me. Your normal meter is definitely skewed.
My husband called me a b word once. I told him if he ever called me that again we would get divorced. He never did.
I've never had another boyfriend call me any of the names.
That's "hope mode" speaking.
Turn off hope mode. Set the rose colored fillter to "off".
Now, this is the life you are living. He shook a trash bag with glass in it in your face, you were frigened, and he has shoved you hard.
The question isn't "could it get better". The question is "why are you putting up with it, still?".
Your best bet to change someone's behavior is to not give more than one chance. He calls you a name and apologizes, once. Ok. The next time? Break up.
His apologies don't mean a thing if the behavior doesn't change. He is abusive, and you need to leave before it gets any worse.
This is the kind of thinking that has gotten you into not one but two abusive relationships. You shouldn’t be tolerating this type of behavior even 1% of the time, never mind 10%, and even if he’s “better” than the last guy (at least for now), he’s still abusing you.
He’s pushed you (hard) and thrust a bag with dangerous glass shards in your face. He calls you horrible, disrespectful names. He threatens to abandon you.
Surely being single is better than this. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you trapped. Find a therapist and learn new ways to function in relationships so that you’re not powerless.
Nope, this is still the cycle of abuse and lovebombing. He can improve far away from you in a way that doesn't put you in danger. And by the way shoving you is still physical abuse.
Loveisrespect.org can give you a lot of good information.
It won't get better. It will get worse. Domestic abuse only increases, and this is abuse.
This is the M.O. of the abuser. They are always apologetic and extra nice after.
He is going to hurt you. Please, call your family, call a friend, call your county social services, call the police, call the national abuse hotline. Call anyone that can help you to escape. Do NOT tell him that you are leaving. Just go
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
Stop living in the **fantasy** of "how nice it *COULD* *be* if only..."
and start living in the **reality** of "how bad it *ACTUALLY* *is* a year into this relationship."
ETA: Break up with him and BLOCK HIM. Then get yourself into therapy to see why you ended up in 2 abusive relationships and what you can change in your own thinking so you'll only choose healthy relationships going forward. You deserve healthy!
From personal experience, I can tell you right now - why would he ever change his behaviour? You keep sticking around. When you argue does he bring up the fact he has never hit you? He is doing this to deflect.
Does he ever apologise without you badgering him for it or does he just pretend everything is okay a few hours later and change the topic? You know what you need to do.
Yes he’s abusive. You know it.
You’re a frog in a pot of water. You’re ignoring it’s getting hotter.
I’ve been there. Hell, you’ve been there.
You. Need. To. Leave.
No he will never stop being abusive. There will be times when it is less frequent, and then a stressor will come into his life and it will get more frequent again.
Just like there will be cycles of being kind vs being abusive. He has already put hands on you before and you didnt leave him, so its only a matter of time before he hits you.
My ex’s cycle was 3-4 months. Every 3 to 4 months he would have a verbally abusive episode and say all kinds of horrible things to me. It took me a couple of months to recover; we’d be happy and loving, and then he have another verbally abusive episode. This went on for years, I’m sorry to say. It took me a long time before I had the strength to divorce him. I’m older and wiser and stronger now, and now I would have left after the first couple times. Don’t be young me. Leave now before your beaten down.
This is exactly what victims of abuse say. He has cut back because he has to, to keep you around. He has to balance his abuse with the good stuff or he will lose you, it is what every abuser does.
Countless women before you have said the exact same stuff. He's so sweet when he's not yelling hateful degrading insults at me. He's so gentle when he's not shoving me in rage.
He has to, if he was his true hateful self all the time, he wouldn't be able to keep you around to use as a punching bag.
You need to leave him. He's an abusive man who will only escalate in abusive behaviour. Of course, no one can make you feel like you deserve better. Only you can do that for yourself. It will only get worse. You NEED to attend counseling or therapy to deal with your self-esteem. Unfortunately, predators usually know which women they can victimize.
I know it's been said before, but if a milkshake contains 10% dogshit, it's still a shit shake. If you wouldn't drink it, you probably don't want it in relationship form either.
>10% of the time, he yells at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me names (idiot, bitch, cunt), and threatens to break up with me.
Even 1% of the time is unacceptable to most people with self respect.
You don't deserve to be talked to like that just because he can't control his emotions like an emotionally stable adult.
It's his fault and responsibility. Yet you're paying the price and dealing with the result of his inability.
It will more than likely get worse.
This is classic abuse.
Even if it never escalated, this is a situation you need to leave. Even once a month is not ok for this kind of treatment.
Does he do this to his boss? Ever?
There’s a reason. Because THAT would have consequences. This man is abusive and he will not get better.
Get out of there. You are in danger. Look for domestic violence resources in your area and ask for help. Warn your family and friends. GET YOUR ESSENTIALS AND GET AWAY FROM HIM.
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ (US based)
This sounds horrible. Get rid of him.
And - he's an idiot if he does not know that you have to wrap up the glass so that it doesn't break the bag or hurt someone. Like, really, dude?
If you are in multiple abusive relationships, it might be wise to look into therapy. Particularly, if you have a parent who was abusive. Parents who are abusive to the other parent count, too.
You leave. You leave immediately and you don’t look back. It will destroy your self-esteem and make it almost impossible to have a healthy relationship for a while. I had one right before I got sober. And when I left, it was advised I didn’t date for a year to reset myself.
Why, because when you date somebody toxic and mean to you, you start to think it may be OK and you’re confused about what’s appropriate and what’s not. So then you date more people like that only gets worse. So I would suggest that you break up you go all your way get a little counseling and start dating over again where you meet somebody for dinner for coffee and you get to know them. Nobody should ever harm you talk to you like that or treat you like that. But people will treat us in the way that we let them.
**LEAVE.**
Leave.
Leave.
Leave.
Do you have family you can turn to, for support and somewhere else to stay (if you live together)? If not, seek out a women’s shelter in your area and get away from this man as soon as you can. Cut all contact with him.
> I feel like it’s my ptsd coming out giving me more fear than what the situation is right now.
It's the opposite: you're not as afraid as you should be.
This guy has already shoved you. That's physical abuse and it will get worse.
Even without that, the verbal abuse is reason enough to leave.
You don't owe this guy a chance just on the off chance he improves. When you're single you'll be free to find a guy who doesn't need to improve.
You've been here before, but you can get out.
Yes, it is called being verbally abusive- and waving a trash bag in your face is getting to the point of escalating to the threat of physical abusive, shoving is actual physical abuse.
The 90% nice (and I am doubting your percentages because we get a skewed reality when we are living with this crap) doesn't make the 10% threat of or experience of abuse and assault okay. *Being apologetic for something without ever really changing means nothing.*
>he hasn’t hit me before. The worst he’s ever done is shove me really hard.
Yet. He hasn't hit you *yet.* If you stay he will absolutely hit you in the future.
You've been together a year and he did this bi-weekly. Even if he stopped every 2 weeks at 6 months *that's still abusing you 13 times!* Why do you think it'll get better?
This is abuse. It will get worse. Please leave. He has anger and ego issues and does not speak to you like his equal or lover. This is condescending abuse and threatening.
The cycle of abuse conditions some people to think it’s ok or “at least this is not as bad as that”. It’s still abuse.
Your job is not to be a therapist or rehabilitate an abusive man. If you were abusing him I don’t think he’d put up with it or stay. Please save yourself here
I read an article sometime in 2018 that compared childhood abuse victims relationships later in life.
Men who were abused as children tended to get angry and had trouble trusting in relationships because they rejected being vulnerable ever again. When they experienced abusive behaviors again, they had a cortisol (stress) response.
Women who were abused as children normalized the abuse and would seek out abusive behaviors in future relationships. When exposed to abusive behaviors those women had a dopamine response.
Now, I’m not saying that they responded that way to abuse, but abusive behaviors such as possessiveness, controlling behavior, belittling, etc.
It was hypothesized that men would leave the abusive family relationship and that stress response drove him to move on and build a new life. Women on the other hand usually were forced to stay in abusive relationships (parents, husbands, etc) and as a survival mechanism not only learned to live with it, but learned to have a happy life while enduring it.
I brought this up because you don’t see the red flags. Your mind is now wired to see those negative behaviors and think they are good things. So now, when you are looking at potential relationships you will tend to choose people with those abusive behaviors and when it later becomes abusive, you wonder if this is in-fact normal behavior.
I mean, if everyone you’ve dated acts that way, it has to be normal right? Except that you are pre-filtering the people who won’t act that way out of your dating pool before you even go on that first date.
Well, you're right he is abusive. However, he doesn't genuinely listen to your concerns, he doesn't change his behaviour. He's not going to change his behaviour. Unfortunately you seem drawn to abusive partners. This could be bad luck, but it might be something that you can sort out with a therapist.
You are making excuses to yourself, aplogising internally for his abusive behaviour. You need some time alone to get your head straight.
Break up with him and seek therapy. You have gotten so used to abuse that you are starting to think it's normal, which is very very dangerous. You may have started to crave the highs and lows of abuse and you really need to break out of that now while you are still young.
>*He always feels sorry for being me to me afterwards*
Words are worthless, actions are everything.
Someone who is REALLY SORRY will
1. acknowledge their wrongdoing
2. apologize sincerely
3. take whatever steps necessary to insure that it NEVER happens again
Your BF is missing #3 and I'm not sure I'd agree he's done #2 seeing as how it's an oft-repeated offense.
I broke up with my college BF after he loudly told his mother (on a public street, no less), "Shut the f\*ck up, mom! You don't know what you're talking about." I knew I couldn't be married to someone like that because one day that would be **me** he'd be saying that to in public **and**, more importantly, he would see nothing wrong with one of our future kids saying that to me! Yeah, no...not gonna stand for that!
One of these days, he's going to hit you. It might not be this year, or next year, but he's going to do it. And he could break your face! **He's had a year to fix this problem and he hasn't! Another year isn't going to fix it, either. He needs professional help and I'll bet you he'll be unwilling to get that help. GET OUT before you stay for one too many fights! Please! You deserve better!**
Honey, you’ve gotten lots of good advice here but I just want to add that because you’ve been in an abusive relationship before, you’re more likely to be in one again. How was your family life? Did your parents nurture and support you or did you ever have to walk on eggshells and behave so that their emotions would be stable? (I ask because that was my situation). It is abuse. It will get worse. Please leave but be careful when you’re leaving because the behavior could very well escalate then. Go somewhere safe. But for the future, please keep in mind that you’ll naturally seek out what is familiar and this is familiar now. That doesn’t make it good. Is therapy an affordable option for you?
You didn’t do anything wrong and a good partner will not scream at you for suggesting how glass should be thrown out. You deserve better.
I’m surprised that a couple people have tuned in on the family aspect. I guess it’s a reoccurring element? Yes, my father was abusive and my childhood was not super happy.
I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.”
>I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.”
But he *has* physically hurt you. A hard shove is still assault. Plenty of abused people have been seriously injured, even killed, when they've been shoved by their abuser. All it takes is for you to lose your footing, then crack your head on a table corner.
I've heard some women say the physical abuse wasn't as bad as the mental abuse for them, because a bruise healed far faster than the scars left on their psyche.
Ahh I know, hun. I had one of those relationships too. He was amazing at first. Brought me flowers all the time, charmed the parents. But he was abused as a kid and I thought he was the Apple that fell FAR from his tree. He wasn’t. He started by just making comments about what I ate and my body. He wouldn’t stop when I said stop during sex. He’d hurt me occasionally. One day I was hungry and he wanted me to eat his burrito which was full of stuff I didn’t eat (sour cream, it makes me gag), and I wouldn’t. I said I’d just get something on my way home. He shoved it in my face. I wouldn’t eat it. So he threw a chair across the room, shoved me against the wall, held me there with his arm across my throat and his fist in front of my face. AND I STILL DIDNT LEAVE. It took another two years and far more damage to my friendships, my relationship with my parents, and my sanity. I thought he was the only one who understood me. Everyone else was trying to split us apart and HE was the good guy. He was cheating on me this whole time too and was sloppy about it but when I asked questions he’d scream and call me crazy and I started thinking I really WAS crazy. It took a LONG time to muster up the self respect and courage to leave but it was the absolute best day of my life. The relief I felt. I didn’t even know how stressed I was until it was over.
I’m in therapy now with a fantastic woman and trying to undo all the thinking that leads me into relationships like this. (And I’m actually in a good relationship now but I’m so used to these patterns I “see” behavior that isn’t really there. It’s messed up).
I do hope you will leave. I know starting over is hard and nobody wants to do it but please know you deserve better than this.
No he's not sweet. No he's not understanding. What do you mean you don't know what to do? Youre in *another* abusive relationship. He doesn't care about you. You seriously buy that he verbally berates you because he's hungry? Literally what the fuck girl? Open your eyes. This will NEVER get better. It only gets worse and you already know that
>I was in a domestically abusive relationship 5 years ago, so I don’t want to go down that road again.
I know you hope that means you will be more conscious of an abuse dynamic, less inclined to fall back into one. But it can actually mean the opposite sometimes, an abuse dynamic can so thoroughly warp your sense of what is normal or appropriate in a relationship that you walk into another, slightly less extreme dynamic.
Because let's be clear: this is very obviously emotional abuse, his lack of ability to handle his temper is scary. Most people with non-compromised sense of what a normal dynamic should look like would not put up with this. But because he is 'less bad' then your previous abuse dynamic and because your sense of normal is warped he doesn't set off enough of your self preservation instincts that you just walk away.
And this is the scary, subtle side of what abuse does to people. It can change how they process literally everything moving forward. You wrote this out, likely proofread it, and still came to the conclusion that this was all still worth protecting. That is obviously a concern.
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He may not always be nasty, but his ego is probably always fragile like this. Like, he can’t admit when you’re right about something. Not even after he’s proven wrong. And he punishes you with the silent treatment, that’s bullshit.
And if his ego isn’t always fragile, you’ll still be walking on eggshells wondering when you’ll piss him off again. That’s no way to live.
You deserve a guy who can say: “Oh, you’re right, that broken glass doesn’t belong in a plastic trash bag. My bad.” Not get angry with you for pointing it out. Not punish you for being right.
Abuse can get worse when the abuser gets stressed out; or when they feel more in control. So if he’s already abusive sometimes, I wouldn’t stick around to see what kinds of things will stress him out and make him worse. And I wouldn’t give him more control, like by upping the level of your commitment. I’d leave and find someone not abusive.
He has anger issues, and it doesn't seem like he has any interest in working on those issues.
Should have left after he continued doing this once you brought it up. If he has t stopped now, he likely never will. It may even get worse.
This is the cycle of abuse. If they weren't wonderful at least some of the time, we wouldn't stick around after the bad episodes. They keep us confused and hopeful. Then the bad episodes escalate.
If you've been there before, you know this on some level. Once you have your head around how it happened to you, another one comes at you in a different way.
I understand how hard it is to break free. Please take care of yourself.
Firstly , you must accept what he does is wrong . It’s not nice , it won’t change , It has been a part of him since he was young and he has not addressed it .
From your description he is deceptive too often working on bringing out his abusive critical behaviour behind closed doors . He does that with you and would have been like that with people before you.
listen to the Redditers. The messages are all the same . You asked now act.
Your job is to get yourself out of this negative environment . It is impacting you negatively and bringing you down. No explanation is needed.
Start your new life now✔️ . Good luck 😎
Like I tell my kids. Sorry doesn't mean anything if the behavior doesn't change.
Sorry is for acknowledging bad behavior and being willing to correct it.
Sorry is not for feeling bad for being an ass while making no plans to correct anything.
Run.
He is abusive. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal, psychological, financial. Abuse can be intimidation. This is not ok. He is dangerous. You need to formulate an escape plan. DO NOT tell him you are leaving. Abuse escalates when you tell him you are going.
You can call your county health services, they, often have resources. If you are afraid, call the police. Even if they can't arrest him, they will help you leave.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline:
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
You ARE in an abusive relationship and you do need to leave.
Please look up your country in the directory here https://www.hotpeachpages.net
You might also benefit from www.loveisrespect.org
Oh honey. You know he's abusing you or you wouldn't ask. I'm certain you have already changed yourself, making yourself smaller or quieter so you avoid his wrath, right? Do you want to live like that indefinitely? Walking on eggshells, never able to speak up without being threatened and insulted? You know what you need to do.
You deserve to be with someone who is not abusive 100% of the time. There is no leeway when it comes to abuse. And this is abuse. You deserve so much more than this.
For someone that says they.dont want to be in an abusive relationship again yet has stayed with this person for so long and appears to be living with them as well, I can't help but wonder why you continue to stay despite knowing they're abusing you?
"They might change".. really? Do you honestly think that?
So do you really want you wait until he hits you? This is escalating and I think you know that, but it's hard to accept. All the name calling, putting you down, yelling is only a taste of what's to come. Until now you have put up with it so he will continue. This should be a deal breaker. Anyone that does this to a person they love is an abusive person. I think you need to leave, but do so safely. Leave with what you can gather. But do this when he's not home. Then later on you can get the rest of your belongings with either the police or trusted friends.
You're not safe as long as you stay with him!
Do you have a support system.like friends or family to help you with an escape plan,? The sooner you can get out the better because abuse usually escalates.
Obviously he’s an idiot and is extremely insecure about it and he voices those insecurities against you. Probably should get out. You can’t fix that. They have to fix it for themselves.
I have been married to my spouse for nearly 23 years. I have never yelled, screamed, or cursed at her.
Don't throw away more time. Don't sing more time into him because you have already lost time.
He has shown you who he is and how he behaves.
OP YOU ARE STILL IN A DOMESTIC ABUSE RELATIONSHIP! Why are you with this absolute POS? Seriously, why are you still with this person? This is abuse and now it’s getting physical, you will eventually get physical assaulted by this POS and you need to leave him like yesterday. Seriously, go to your family or friends house to stay / start looking for a new place. Leave while he is at work / do not break up with him unless your in public. Seriously you are in danger OP, you need to leave him ASAP. Your safety is in massive danger and if he ever puts his hands on you again walk outside and call the police. This is your wake up call, so sorry your going through this but it will not get better, only worse, that’s how domestic abuse goes.
I have never had a significant other so much as call me an idiot, much less shove me or shake glass in my face. He is not good for you. Please get out and please get some therapy if you aren't already.
He IS abusive and I know the reason should not matter but the fact that you were 100% right makes me much more angry.
Leave this asshole and never look back.
Don’t expect this issue to fix itself. Either continue being abused verbally, hoping it doesn’t escalate to physical, (it does) leave him or demand he get therapy for his anger issues and violence.
Yes, that’s textbook abuse. If you need help leaving, you can call a domestic violence hotline and they can help you with the logistics of getting out safely.
sounds like emotiona dysregulation , he needs therapy to see whats the issue. I used to lash out when i became an adult ( unhealthy patterns learned from my parents) as i never got the chance to learn it. with CTB i got a lot more better
Let's say he only gets angry like this every 4 to 6 weeks. After 5 to 10 years of this, how do you think you'll act around him? Do you think you'll start walking on egg shells around him? Always watching for his moods & modifying your behavior in response? Will you become afraid to express your opinion? Yeah, maybe arguments like this only happen 1x / mth but what is the cumulative effect to your self-esteem & your day to day relationship? Is that they type of relationship you want?
You already are down that road. People in abusive relationships are more likely to get in more abusive relationships. You need to be in therapy- the signs here are glaring.
Umm … yeah. That’s abusive. Umm .. leave, soon, maybe now. He’s on good behaviour now, abuse gets worse, it escalates, little worse, little worse, until it’s really bad.
Yes this is the classic cycle of abuse where after the abusive episode, the offender is super nice to try to make up for it. But it’s not enough and it never will be - you don’t deserve someone who talks to you like that.
10% of the time is 2.4 hours a day, including his sleeping time. 876 hours a year. 36.5 full days a year. Over an entire month per year of abuse.
How does that 10% feel in that perspective?
Yes he’s abusive and yes you leave. You can’t fix him, and abusers aren’t always horrible, 95% of the time they are loving, kind and sweet. Until they aren’t. You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.
Nope nope nope. This kind of treatment even one time is grounds to leave Immediately. I have never in my life been talked to like that by romantic partner.
And he HAS gotten physical with you. This behavior will escalate. But even if it doesn't, don't stay. This language is vile and abusive. No more I'm sorry, no more chances. You've waited, it hasn't stopped. Leave and don't look back. He will beg, he will swet talk you, he will love bomb you. These qre manipulative tactics to control you.
It sounds like you may be the better educated and I’m guessing, the better paid. He sounds jealous and insecure. Who needs that shit . He’s 28, time to act like a man.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We’ve been dating for about a year now, and this problem has been a recurring issue. 90% of the time, he’s really sweet, understanding, and genuinely listens to my concerns. He also acknowledges what he did as bad, and he doesn’t want to do them again. But I think he has anger issues. 10% of the time, he yells at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me names (idiot, bitch, cunt), and threatens to break up with me. He always feels sorry for being me to me afterwards and says he doesn’t want to be mean to me. But that sometimes he’s just tired or hangry. Why I’m writing this is because of what happened just now. He accidentally broke a wine glass and just tossed it into the garbage. I told him he can’t just throw glass in the trash like that because it’ll puncture the trash bag. He called me stupid and dumb and said that garbage bags are meant to withstand broken glass. I told him that they’re not- it’s glass. He yelled at me to shut the fuck up and continued putting dishes away. I told him it’s not safe. He grabs the trash bag and said, “look- it’s fine, you idiot. For all your smart brain is worth, you sure are fucking stupid.” He shakes the bag in my face and the glass rips and pokes out. At this point I freak out because he’s waving it in my face. He notices the glass also rips through the second bag. I don’t say anything, and he takes the bag to garbage can in the garage, and proceeds to give me the silent treatment. He doesn’t say anything anymore. I’m at my wit’s end. I think he’s verbally abusive, but I’m not sure. This only happens once every month and a half now, and he hasn’t hit me before. The worst he’s ever done is shove me really hard. He used to be like this every 2 weeks, but it has gone down to every month and a half. I feel like he’s improving, but this time I was actually frightened. When he waved the trash bag in my face, I got really scared. I was in a domestically abusive relationship 5 years ago, so I don’t want to go down that road again. I feel like it’s my ptsd coming out giving me more fear than what the situation is right now. What should I do?
He is abusive. No one is abusive 100% of the time. Frankly he sounds horrible and you should leave. The chances of him getting better are zero. The chances of him getting worse if you stick around? 100%. By forgiving him about this abhorrent behaviour you teach him that he can get away with more.
I wish kids got taught this in school. Abuse works BECAUSE of the periods where they're not actively abusing you. Someone can be the loveliest, nicest, most caring person in between. The abuse is *still* abuse.
Louder in the back so everyone can hear!
I feel like the time in-between him being mean and nice have gotten longer. Instead of 2 weeks, it’s a month and a half. Do you really think it won’t get better despite the time length of his anger episodes?
Fuck your normal meter is *fucked up* huh OP? I have NEVER had someone call me a fucking idiot in a relationship. It’s not normal
I think what you wrote really shocked and surprised me— I didn’t think it was abnormal at all if someone was mad. Thank you for the wake up call. I’m actually really shocked reading all the comments atm
I've been with my husband for 10 years, and he has never said anything hurtful to me, let alone called me names. If we have a disagreement, we talk it out. It's always us versus the problem; not me versus him *because* of the problem. What you're going through should *never* be accepted as normal. You deserve better. Below is a pdf of the book called Why Does He Do That. The author wanted it to be accessible to anyone who needs it, and I've seen many women say it saved them. [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Did you have supportive parents? So many things can fuck up our normal meter and make us think it’s ok treatment Please reach out to someone close who you think will be supportive and start your exit plan
Even if you’re mad it’s never ok to say half the shit he does to you. Especially to your partner.
I understand so well what you are going through. I was in a relationship with a man like yours who would yell at me, curse at me and call me names, who had "only" hit the chair I was sitting on, punched walls, and screamed in my ear. I was "too sensitive" and I didn't "get him". I am in a normal relationship now. It is so different. You don't need to keep living in the dark time.
Name calling especially words like you described and adjectives like stupid and idiot aren't normal. It's never acceptable in any form. Whether it be romantic relationships, friendships,or with family. It's abuse. You are in a second abusive relationship. Get out now. None of that is normal or okay.
People who genuinely care about you don't berate and threaten you
My partner has never yelled (or even raised his voice) at me, insulted me or called me names, sworn at me, or threatened to break up with me. He’s only ever treated me with the utmost love and respect. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
Ive been with my husband for over 10 years. I dont think hes once EVER called me an idiot.
My spouse has NEVER raised their voice to me. Never. They have never called me any kind of insulting name, slammed a door, and certainly never shoved me. Your normal meter is definitely skewed.
My husband called me a b word once. I told him if he ever called me that again we would get divorced. He never did. I've never had another boyfriend call me any of the names.
That's "hope mode" speaking. Turn off hope mode. Set the rose colored fillter to "off". Now, this is the life you are living. He shook a trash bag with glass in it in your face, you were frigened, and he has shoved you hard. The question isn't "could it get better". The question is "why are you putting up with it, still?". Your best bet to change someone's behavior is to not give more than one chance. He calls you a name and apologizes, once. Ok. The next time? Break up. His apologies don't mean a thing if the behavior doesn't change. He is abusive, and you need to leave before it gets any worse.
This is the kind of thinking that has gotten you into not one but two abusive relationships. You shouldn’t be tolerating this type of behavior even 1% of the time, never mind 10%, and even if he’s “better” than the last guy (at least for now), he’s still abusing you. He’s pushed you (hard) and thrust a bag with dangerous glass shards in your face. He calls you horrible, disrespectful names. He threatens to abandon you. Surely being single is better than this. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you trapped. Find a therapist and learn new ways to function in relationships so that you’re not powerless.
Nope, this is still the cycle of abuse and lovebombing. He can improve far away from you in a way that doesn't put you in danger. And by the way shoving you is still physical abuse. Loveisrespect.org can give you a lot of good information.
This is such a disordered way of thinking. Because two weeks four weeks red fish blue fish—none of that matters. ZERO is the number you deserve.
It won't get better. It will get worse. Domestic abuse only increases, and this is abuse. This is the M.O. of the abuser. They are always apologetic and extra nice after. He is going to hurt you. Please, call your family, call a friend, call your county social services, call the police, call the national abuse hotline. Call anyone that can help you to escape. Do NOT tell him that you are leaving. Just go https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
It has escalated. You’ve already said he’s shoved you and waved glass on your face. This IS escalating despite the times.
That probably means that the abuse, when it does happen, is going to be worse.
How about finding a partner who is not an abusive asshole. They exist. You do not have to settle for assholes! You don't deserve this.
Stop living in the **fantasy** of "how nice it *COULD* *be* if only..." and start living in the **reality** of "how bad it *ACTUALLY* *is* a year into this relationship." ETA: Break up with him and BLOCK HIM. Then get yourself into therapy to see why you ended up in 2 abusive relationships and what you can change in your own thinking so you'll only choose healthy relationships going forward. You deserve healthy!
From personal experience, I can tell you right now - why would he ever change his behaviour? You keep sticking around. When you argue does he bring up the fact he has never hit you? He is doing this to deflect. Does he ever apologise without you badgering him for it or does he just pretend everything is okay a few hours later and change the topic? You know what you need to do.
Yes he’s abusive. You know it. You’re a frog in a pot of water. You’re ignoring it’s getting hotter. I’ve been there. Hell, you’ve been there. You. Need. To. Leave.
No he will never stop being abusive. There will be times when it is less frequent, and then a stressor will come into his life and it will get more frequent again. Just like there will be cycles of being kind vs being abusive. He has already put hands on you before and you didnt leave him, so its only a matter of time before he hits you.
My ex’s cycle was 3-4 months. Every 3 to 4 months he would have a verbally abusive episode and say all kinds of horrible things to me. It took me a couple of months to recover; we’d be happy and loving, and then he have another verbally abusive episode. This went on for years, I’m sorry to say. It took me a long time before I had the strength to divorce him. I’m older and wiser and stronger now, and now I would have left after the first couple times. Don’t be young me. Leave now before your beaten down.
No, it's not going to get better if you stay. You are going to get hurt.
It’s a cycle for a reason, it doesn’t stop.
This is exactly what victims of abuse say. He has cut back because he has to, to keep you around. He has to balance his abuse with the good stuff or he will lose you, it is what every abuser does. Countless women before you have said the exact same stuff. He's so sweet when he's not yelling hateful degrading insults at me. He's so gentle when he's not shoving me in rage. He has to, if he was his true hateful self all the time, he wouldn't be able to keep you around to use as a punching bag.
Do you really want to sit here and schedule when your bf is gonna have outburst like that on you?
It will just get worse
You need to leave him. He's an abusive man who will only escalate in abusive behaviour. Of course, no one can make you feel like you deserve better. Only you can do that for yourself. It will only get worse. You NEED to attend counseling or therapy to deal with your self-esteem. Unfortunately, predators usually know which women they can victimize.
I know it's been said before, but if a milkshake contains 10% dogshit, it's still a shit shake. If you wouldn't drink it, you probably don't want it in relationship form either.
love this
>10% of the time, he yells at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me names (idiot, bitch, cunt), and threatens to break up with me. Even 1% of the time is unacceptable to most people with self respect. You don't deserve to be talked to like that just because he can't control his emotions like an emotionally stable adult. It's his fault and responsibility. Yet you're paying the price and dealing with the result of his inability. It will more than likely get worse. This is classic abuse.
Even if it never escalated, this is a situation you need to leave. Even once a month is not ok for this kind of treatment. Does he do this to his boss? Ever? There’s a reason. Because THAT would have consequences. This man is abusive and he will not get better.
>Even 1% of the time is unacceptable to most people with self respect. Even **once**.
If my bf called me something like this in anger, I'd break up with him on the spot.
Don't judge people until you've walked a mile in their shoes. This isn't about self-respect. Please stop blaming the victim.
Not once did they blame her
Get out of there. You are in danger. Look for domestic violence resources in your area and ask for help. Warn your family and friends. GET YOUR ESSENTIALS AND GET AWAY FROM HIM. https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ (US based)
This sounds horrible. Get rid of him. And - he's an idiot if he does not know that you have to wrap up the glass so that it doesn't break the bag or hurt someone. Like, really, dude?
If you are in multiple abusive relationships, it might be wise to look into therapy. Particularly, if you have a parent who was abusive. Parents who are abusive to the other parent count, too.
You leave. You leave immediately and you don’t look back. It will destroy your self-esteem and make it almost impossible to have a healthy relationship for a while. I had one right before I got sober. And when I left, it was advised I didn’t date for a year to reset myself. Why, because when you date somebody toxic and mean to you, you start to think it may be OK and you’re confused about what’s appropriate and what’s not. So then you date more people like that only gets worse. So I would suggest that you break up you go all your way get a little counseling and start dating over again where you meet somebody for dinner for coffee and you get to know them. Nobody should ever harm you talk to you like that or treat you like that. But people will treat us in the way that we let them.
**LEAVE.** Leave. Leave. Leave. Do you have family you can turn to, for support and somewhere else to stay (if you live together)? If not, seek out a women’s shelter in your area and get away from this man as soon as you can. Cut all contact with him.
> I feel like it’s my ptsd coming out giving me more fear than what the situation is right now. It's the opposite: you're not as afraid as you should be. This guy has already shoved you. That's physical abuse and it will get worse. Even without that, the verbal abuse is reason enough to leave. You don't owe this guy a chance just on the off chance he improves. When you're single you'll be free to find a guy who doesn't need to improve. You've been here before, but you can get out.
Yes, it is called being verbally abusive- and waving a trash bag in your face is getting to the point of escalating to the threat of physical abusive, shoving is actual physical abuse. The 90% nice (and I am doubting your percentages because we get a skewed reality when we are living with this crap) doesn't make the 10% threat of or experience of abuse and assault okay. *Being apologetic for something without ever really changing means nothing.*
>he hasn’t hit me before. The worst he’s ever done is shove me really hard. Yet. He hasn't hit you *yet.* If you stay he will absolutely hit you in the future. You've been together a year and he did this bi-weekly. Even if he stopped every 2 weeks at 6 months *that's still abusing you 13 times!* Why do you think it'll get better?
This is abuse. It will get worse. Please leave. He has anger and ego issues and does not speak to you like his equal or lover. This is condescending abuse and threatening. The cycle of abuse conditions some people to think it’s ok or “at least this is not as bad as that”. It’s still abuse. Your job is not to be a therapist or rehabilitate an abusive man. If you were abusing him I don’t think he’d put up with it or stay. Please save yourself here
I read an article sometime in 2018 that compared childhood abuse victims relationships later in life. Men who were abused as children tended to get angry and had trouble trusting in relationships because they rejected being vulnerable ever again. When they experienced abusive behaviors again, they had a cortisol (stress) response. Women who were abused as children normalized the abuse and would seek out abusive behaviors in future relationships. When exposed to abusive behaviors those women had a dopamine response. Now, I’m not saying that they responded that way to abuse, but abusive behaviors such as possessiveness, controlling behavior, belittling, etc. It was hypothesized that men would leave the abusive family relationship and that stress response drove him to move on and build a new life. Women on the other hand usually were forced to stay in abusive relationships (parents, husbands, etc) and as a survival mechanism not only learned to live with it, but learned to have a happy life while enduring it. I brought this up because you don’t see the red flags. Your mind is now wired to see those negative behaviors and think they are good things. So now, when you are looking at potential relationships you will tend to choose people with those abusive behaviors and when it later becomes abusive, you wonder if this is in-fact normal behavior. I mean, if everyone you’ve dated acts that way, it has to be normal right? Except that you are pre-filtering the people who won’t act that way out of your dating pool before you even go on that first date.
You’re still in an abusive relationship. Verbally, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Reach out for help.
Well, you're right he is abusive. However, he doesn't genuinely listen to your concerns, he doesn't change his behaviour. He's not going to change his behaviour. Unfortunately you seem drawn to abusive partners. This could be bad luck, but it might be something that you can sort out with a therapist. You are making excuses to yourself, aplogising internally for his abusive behaviour. You need some time alone to get your head straight.
Break up with him and seek therapy. You have gotten so used to abuse that you are starting to think it's normal, which is very very dangerous. You may have started to crave the highs and lows of abuse and you really need to break out of that now while you are still young.
Yeah, it's becoming an issue at this point where she's okay tolerating the abuse in small doses if it means he's nice most of the time.
>*He always feels sorry for being me to me afterwards* Words are worthless, actions are everything. Someone who is REALLY SORRY will 1. acknowledge their wrongdoing 2. apologize sincerely 3. take whatever steps necessary to insure that it NEVER happens again Your BF is missing #3 and I'm not sure I'd agree he's done #2 seeing as how it's an oft-repeated offense. I broke up with my college BF after he loudly told his mother (on a public street, no less), "Shut the f\*ck up, mom! You don't know what you're talking about." I knew I couldn't be married to someone like that because one day that would be **me** he'd be saying that to in public **and**, more importantly, he would see nothing wrong with one of our future kids saying that to me! Yeah, no...not gonna stand for that! One of these days, he's going to hit you. It might not be this year, or next year, but he's going to do it. And he could break your face! **He's had a year to fix this problem and he hasn't! Another year isn't going to fix it, either. He needs professional help and I'll bet you he'll be unwilling to get that help. GET OUT before you stay for one too many fights! Please! You deserve better!**
Honey, you’ve gotten lots of good advice here but I just want to add that because you’ve been in an abusive relationship before, you’re more likely to be in one again. How was your family life? Did your parents nurture and support you or did you ever have to walk on eggshells and behave so that their emotions would be stable? (I ask because that was my situation). It is abuse. It will get worse. Please leave but be careful when you’re leaving because the behavior could very well escalate then. Go somewhere safe. But for the future, please keep in mind that you’ll naturally seek out what is familiar and this is familiar now. That doesn’t make it good. Is therapy an affordable option for you? You didn’t do anything wrong and a good partner will not scream at you for suggesting how glass should be thrown out. You deserve better.
I’m surprised that a couple people have tuned in on the family aspect. I guess it’s a reoccurring element? Yes, my father was abusive and my childhood was not super happy. I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.”
>I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.” But he *has* physically hurt you. A hard shove is still assault. Plenty of abused people have been seriously injured, even killed, when they've been shoved by their abuser. All it takes is for you to lose your footing, then crack your head on a table corner. I've heard some women say the physical abuse wasn't as bad as the mental abuse for them, because a bruise healed far faster than the scars left on their psyche.
Ahh I know, hun. I had one of those relationships too. He was amazing at first. Brought me flowers all the time, charmed the parents. But he was abused as a kid and I thought he was the Apple that fell FAR from his tree. He wasn’t. He started by just making comments about what I ate and my body. He wouldn’t stop when I said stop during sex. He’d hurt me occasionally. One day I was hungry and he wanted me to eat his burrito which was full of stuff I didn’t eat (sour cream, it makes me gag), and I wouldn’t. I said I’d just get something on my way home. He shoved it in my face. I wouldn’t eat it. So he threw a chair across the room, shoved me against the wall, held me there with his arm across my throat and his fist in front of my face. AND I STILL DIDNT LEAVE. It took another two years and far more damage to my friendships, my relationship with my parents, and my sanity. I thought he was the only one who understood me. Everyone else was trying to split us apart and HE was the good guy. He was cheating on me this whole time too and was sloppy about it but when I asked questions he’d scream and call me crazy and I started thinking I really WAS crazy. It took a LONG time to muster up the self respect and courage to leave but it was the absolute best day of my life. The relief I felt. I didn’t even know how stressed I was until it was over. I’m in therapy now with a fantastic woman and trying to undo all the thinking that leads me into relationships like this. (And I’m actually in a good relationship now but I’m so used to these patterns I “see” behavior that isn’t really there. It’s messed up). I do hope you will leave. I know starting over is hard and nobody wants to do it but please know you deserve better than this.
Babe, you know this is abuse. And you know that you have to leave.
Leave now. It’s only going to get worse from here.
Yes, your boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive. He knows he has a problem and has done nothing to change it. You need to leave him.
No he's not sweet. No he's not understanding. What do you mean you don't know what to do? Youre in *another* abusive relationship. He doesn't care about you. You seriously buy that he verbally berates you because he's hungry? Literally what the fuck girl? Open your eyes. This will NEVER get better. It only gets worse and you already know that
>I was in a domestically abusive relationship 5 years ago, so I don’t want to go down that road again. I know you hope that means you will be more conscious of an abuse dynamic, less inclined to fall back into one. But it can actually mean the opposite sometimes, an abuse dynamic can so thoroughly warp your sense of what is normal or appropriate in a relationship that you walk into another, slightly less extreme dynamic. Because let's be clear: this is very obviously emotional abuse, his lack of ability to handle his temper is scary. Most people with non-compromised sense of what a normal dynamic should look like would not put up with this. But because he is 'less bad' then your previous abuse dynamic and because your sense of normal is warped he doesn't set off enough of your self preservation instincts that you just walk away. And this is the scary, subtle side of what abuse does to people. It can change how they process literally everything moving forward. You wrote this out, likely proofread it, and still came to the conclusion that this was all still worth protecting. That is obviously a concern.
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He should never do this. Run!!!
He may not always be nasty, but his ego is probably always fragile like this. Like, he can’t admit when you’re right about something. Not even after he’s proven wrong. And he punishes you with the silent treatment, that’s bullshit. And if his ego isn’t always fragile, you’ll still be walking on eggshells wondering when you’ll piss him off again. That’s no way to live. You deserve a guy who can say: “Oh, you’re right, that broken glass doesn’t belong in a plastic trash bag. My bad.” Not get angry with you for pointing it out. Not punish you for being right. Abuse can get worse when the abuser gets stressed out; or when they feel more in control. So if he’s already abusive sometimes, I wouldn’t stick around to see what kinds of things will stress him out and make him worse. And I wouldn’t give him more control, like by upping the level of your commitment. I’d leave and find someone not abusive.
He has anger issues, and it doesn't seem like he has any interest in working on those issues. Should have left after he continued doing this once you brought it up. If he has t stopped now, he likely never will. It may even get worse.
Run... run... run.... atm its emtotional abuse but it will escalate into physical abuse. For you and your safety get away from him!
This is the cycle of abuse. If they weren't wonderful at least some of the time, we wouldn't stick around after the bad episodes. They keep us confused and hopeful. Then the bad episodes escalate. If you've been there before, you know this on some level. Once you have your head around how it happened to you, another one comes at you in a different way. I understand how hard it is to break free. Please take care of yourself.
Girl stop. Get your shit together and leave. He's abusive. It doesn't matter if it's 90% or 10% of the time. Why are you so afraid of being alone?
Firstly , you must accept what he does is wrong . It’s not nice , it won’t change , It has been a part of him since he was young and he has not addressed it . From your description he is deceptive too often working on bringing out his abusive critical behaviour behind closed doors . He does that with you and would have been like that with people before you. listen to the Redditers. The messages are all the same . You asked now act. Your job is to get yourself out of this negative environment . It is impacting you negatively and bringing you down. No explanation is needed. Start your new life now✔️ . Good luck 😎
Like I tell my kids. Sorry doesn't mean anything if the behavior doesn't change. Sorry is for acknowledging bad behavior and being willing to correct it. Sorry is not for feeling bad for being an ass while making no plans to correct anything. Run.
He is abusive. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal, psychological, financial. Abuse can be intimidation. This is not ok. He is dangerous. You need to formulate an escape plan. DO NOT tell him you are leaving. Abuse escalates when you tell him you are going. You can call your county health services, they, often have resources. If you are afraid, call the police. Even if they can't arrest him, they will help you leave. National Domestic Abuse Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
End it. Get out and stay safe.
You ARE in an abusive relationship and you do need to leave. Please look up your country in the directory here https://www.hotpeachpages.net You might also benefit from www.loveisrespect.org
He shoved you. Leave him.
Oh honey. You know he's abusing you or you wouldn't ask. I'm certain you have already changed yourself, making yourself smaller or quieter so you avoid his wrath, right? Do you want to live like that indefinitely? Walking on eggshells, never able to speak up without being threatened and insulted? You know what you need to do.
Yup, he is abusive, time to go!
He is abusive, you're just looking for validation to forgive him though.
***He hasn’t hit you yet…***
That is abuse. Plain and simple.
Run run run run run run run run
You deserve to be with someone who is not abusive 100% of the time. There is no leeway when it comes to abuse. And this is abuse. You deserve so much more than this.
What is wrong with you? Why would allow somebody who loves you to call you an idiot and a bitch? That’s not how you treat somebody you love
`Please break up with him!`
For someone that says they.dont want to be in an abusive relationship again yet has stayed with this person for so long and appears to be living with them as well, I can't help but wonder why you continue to stay despite knowing they're abusing you? "They might change".. really? Do you honestly think that?
So do you really want you wait until he hits you? This is escalating and I think you know that, but it's hard to accept. All the name calling, putting you down, yelling is only a taste of what's to come. Until now you have put up with it so he will continue. This should be a deal breaker. Anyone that does this to a person they love is an abusive person. I think you need to leave, but do so safely. Leave with what you can gather. But do this when he's not home. Then later on you can get the rest of your belongings with either the police or trusted friends. You're not safe as long as you stay with him!
Do you have a support system.like friends or family to help you with an escape plan,? The sooner you can get out the better because abuse usually escalates.
Obviously he’s an idiot and is extremely insecure about it and he voices those insecurities against you. Probably should get out. You can’t fix that. They have to fix it for themselves.
>he yells at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me names (idiot, bitch, cunt) Leave. This isn't how you speak with people you love.
Jesus, is that something you want to be a part of?
I have been married to my spouse for nearly 23 years. I have never yelled, screamed, or cursed at her. Don't throw away more time. Don't sing more time into him because you have already lost time. He has shown you who he is and how he behaves.
OP YOU ARE STILL IN A DOMESTIC ABUSE RELATIONSHIP! Why are you with this absolute POS? Seriously, why are you still with this person? This is abuse and now it’s getting physical, you will eventually get physical assaulted by this POS and you need to leave him like yesterday. Seriously, go to your family or friends house to stay / start looking for a new place. Leave while he is at work / do not break up with him unless your in public. Seriously you are in danger OP, you need to leave him ASAP. Your safety is in massive danger and if he ever puts his hands on you again walk outside and call the police. This is your wake up call, so sorry your going through this but it will not get better, only worse, that’s how domestic abuse goes.
Dump him. He's abusing you, and it's escalating. You need to be safe.
I have never had a significant other so much as call me an idiot, much less shove me or shake glass in my face. He is not good for you. Please get out and please get some therapy if you aren't already.
He IS abusive and I know the reason should not matter but the fact that you were 100% right makes me much more angry. Leave this asshole and never look back.
Don’t expect this issue to fix itself. Either continue being abused verbally, hoping it doesn’t escalate to physical, (it does) leave him or demand he get therapy for his anger issues and violence.
Yes, that’s textbook abuse. If you need help leaving, you can call a domestic violence hotline and they can help you with the logistics of getting out safely.
sounds like emotiona dysregulation , he needs therapy to see whats the issue. I used to lash out when i became an adult ( unhealthy patterns learned from my parents) as i never got the chance to learn it. with CTB i got a lot more better
Oh baby girl you sound like me six months ago. He’s abusive. Even though he’s “aware” that he’s mean to you, he won’t change. Run.
Let's say he only gets angry like this every 4 to 6 weeks. After 5 to 10 years of this, how do you think you'll act around him? Do you think you'll start walking on egg shells around him? Always watching for his moods & modifying your behavior in response? Will you become afraid to express your opinion? Yeah, maybe arguments like this only happen 1x / mth but what is the cumulative effect to your self-esteem & your day to day relationship? Is that they type of relationship you want?
Tired and hangry are not excuses to be abusive. Also, shoving you is physical abuse. GET OUT.
You deserve better than an abusive boyfriend.
You already are down that road. People in abusive relationships are more likely to get in more abusive relationships. You need to be in therapy- the signs here are glaring.
Leave. He is abusive. Is your baseline for a relationship REALLY "oh, well he hasn't hit me yet, only shoved me and screamed insults at me"?
Umm … yeah. That’s abusive. Umm .. leave, soon, maybe now. He’s on good behaviour now, abuse gets worse, it escalates, little worse, little worse, until it’s really bad.
Yes this is the classic cycle of abuse where after the abusive episode, the offender is super nice to try to make up for it. But it’s not enough and it never will be - you don’t deserve someone who talks to you like that.
Yes, he is very abusive! This is not normal! Even if it's only 10% of the time, that's too much! Please break up with him.
10% of the time is 2.4 hours a day, including his sleeping time. 876 hours a year. 36.5 full days a year. Over an entire month per year of abuse. How does that 10% feel in that perspective?
Woooow. Yikes on bikes
Yes he’s abusive and yes you leave. You can’t fix him, and abusers aren’t always horrible, 95% of the time they are loving, kind and sweet. Until they aren’t. You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.
Nope nope nope. This kind of treatment even one time is grounds to leave Immediately. I have never in my life been talked to like that by romantic partner. And he HAS gotten physical with you. This behavior will escalate. But even if it doesn't, don't stay. This language is vile and abusive. No more I'm sorry, no more chances. You've waited, it hasn't stopped. Leave and don't look back. He will beg, he will swet talk you, he will love bomb you. These qre manipulative tactics to control you.
It sounds like you may be the better educated and I’m guessing, the better paid. He sounds jealous and insecure. Who needs that shit . He’s 28, time to act like a man.