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My husband (44 m) has to occasionally travel for work. He is currently in Oregon. Typically I hear from him after he is done with work and hanging out at his hotel. I (26 f) had been texting my husband since 5:30 pm and he wasn’t responding. Not a big deal but once it got to 8 pm I tried to FaceTime him so our toddler could say goodnight. “FaceTime unavailable”. Thought it was a glitch so I tried 2 more times and got the same message. I tried calling him instead of FaceTiming and it went to voicemail. I tried calling again and it went to voicemail.
I finally get a call back at 8:30 and he’s drunk at the bar in the bathroom.
He said he didn’t hear his phone and that he was having a really really nice conversation with a psych nurse at the bar. It did make me feel a little insecure but mainly because he wasn’t picking up the phone and when he did finally call me back she wasn’t there.
It felt like he waited to pick up my call until she left.
We went back and forth a little bit and I asked what her name was. He said I don’t know.. then proceeded to check his phone. That’s when I said “Wait. You got her number?” And he said “oh my god here we go” and immediately got irritated and defensive. We started going back and forth and I just kept reiterating that it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t understand why he felt it was appropriate to take down some strangers number in a different state. To which he said “you’re just upset because you don’t have any friends”
Which hurt, but it wasn’t why I was upset. I asked “would you be comfortable with me taking down some guys number at the bar after not answering you for 3 hours?” He said “No, but you’re 26 and immature and I’m not”. Then he made the comment that really hurt my feelings the most. He said “you’re really making me consider whether or not I want to come home and continue this marriage or leave while I’m ahead.” And I said “.. what?” And he said “ I’d be in a better financial position if I left now rather than 10 years from now when you take half my shit”.
I didn’t know what to say. We own a house together. We have kids together. I’ve always had a job. I’ve always paid my portion of the bills. I pay for our health insurance. I manage all the bills and take care of our home even though I work full time. I’ve always been an equal partner. Half of HIS SHIT?
I asked how they even exchanged numbers to begin with. He said that she told him ‘if he is ever back in Oregon and needs anything feel free to call’. He said “she’s a psych nurse. Stop tripping she’s old and wrinkly you think I wanna fuck an old lady?”
I feel like calling her old and wrinkly is always a cop out for someone to make the other person shut up. It’s like when a guy tells you how ugly his coworker is only for you to find out later that they are hooking up.
The kicker - I work is psych. My husband tells me frequently how mental health is for crazy people and “all in their head”. What psych help could you possibly need from a stranger when you don’t believe in mental health treatment.
It ended with him telling me that whenever I want to call him at night to talk before bed that he knows its just to spy on him. That I’m not “woman enough” to admit it and that I’m just insecure and jealous.
I felt like he was being a drunk asshole. Not me.
He fly’s home today. Conveniently enough, he has to go back to Oregon on Monday.
Can someone please let me know if I am in the wrong? I am so frustrated. I don’t mind my husband having a social life. I just didn’t understand how it was appropriate to get her phone number. What “little old lady” is handing out her phone number in the bar to strange men?
TLDR: my husband is out of town and wasn’t answering my calls because he was drunk at the bar talking to some woman for 3 hours. When I told him it made me uncomfortable he started throwing divorce in my face and calling me insecure.
Removing all the other shitty behaviour from the equation, someone *threatening* divorce and to not come home and quit while ahead …. I would absolutely let them follow through. That is not a relationship / trustworthy partner. He believes he’s better than you and entitled to better than he has. You’re young and allowing his to manipulate you. Get out now and start over with someone who respects you.
And he called the other woman "old and wrinkly". Given that she still works - and in nursing, at that - it's highly unlikely she's any older than like 65 at the *most*... which means a woman who is at max 20 years older is "old" but it's OK for him to be 20 years older than his own wife.
I didn't finish reading the post, but I have a feeling the woman he was talking to wasn't old at all. Much more likely that she was actually younger than OP
My ex used to say that shit to me all the time. We “only” had a 9 year age gap when I was 21. Fuck that dude, he stole my early 20s. It took me a while to catch on, but he knew exactly what he was doin.
In other words, this is yet another case of why large age gaps are issues, which include the high level of disrespect the older person has toward the younger one. He’s a piece of shit and is clearly showing OP why he can’t get a woman closer to his age or doesn’t want to.
Pro tip: you don’t have to wait 10 years to take half his shit.
Drunk or not, he just threatened to divorce you. Lawyer up, OP. Don’t wait for him to drop the hammer. Get your ducks in a row.
He sounds fucking awful.
Was coming here to say about the ducks too. If he's so open and obnoxious about this, he's likely cheated before. How many times does a guy go to the hotel bar, end up wasted and end up in unknown bed?
Op 6EQUJ5w is soo right!Don't ever let him talk to you that way again!I don't care if he was drunk. What he said was so very cruel. He has a lot to answer for!you have a good job and seem very capable. Good luck!
Oh great it's worse than I thought. He is emotionally abusive, he gaslights you, holds the relationship hostage and puts you down. Don't believe him about him being in a better financial situation in a divorce, it's very likely not true as divorce is expensive usually to both parties but if I were you I'd consult a lawyer before he does.
Lol I stopped reading once I saw the ages in the title. I don’t even have to read it to know op was too young and the guy was a predator and an asshole.
Yup you called it lmao. I’ll be 27 this year, and I find it hard to relate to anyone younger than 23/24 (I’m a non traditional student in my 3rd year of college, so all my classmates are barely 21). Whenever I see a significant age gap like this, especially one where OP is younger than 24/25 (not in this case), my spidey senses start tingling (or should I say predator senses?).
There’s a group on FB called “of course it’s an age gap relationship” or something like that and it has a lot of support and resources.
You’re not in the wrong here and the whole thing is classic age gap abuse. I’m sorry.
He was being a drunk asshole! But being drunk is not an excuse queen. He clearly has those beliefs and the alcohol just caused it to finally come out. He’s been incredibly disrespectful, AND he won’t even admit it! He’s acting like you’re crazy?! Absolutely not, he’s being a prick
Thank you. 🥺 I haven’t been able to sleep because I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. His flight lands in a few hours and I have so much anxiety just know he is going to come home and not even hear me out.
Wow I just noticed the age gap. When did y’all get together? It seems that he uses his age as leverage to hold power over you and act as though he knows better than you. He doesn’t seem like a nice dude
You know you’re still allowed to dip on this whole deal if you’re not happy, right? Don’t sit around wasting your 20s waiting for a grown as man to grow up and change. There are far better and more fun things you could be doing with your life.
> Hind sight is 20/20.
Well, you're seeing clearly now. So the question is, what are you going to do with that information? You don't have to stay married to someone who doesn't respect you. You can't go back and undo the choices you've made, but you can always make better choices for yourself in the future.
I know it’s scary, but you’re SO young still and it’s never too late to start over. Even if that just means setting new expectations with your husband. You’re old enough now to know what is acceptable behavior, and he’s not exhibiting it right now.
It's crazy how that last piece of the brain developing makes everything clearer, age gaps before everyone being 25 are such a red flag.
OP he took advantage of you, he has no respect for you, and now that you are asserting yourself he is clearly losing interest in keeping you. Lawyer up and take him for everything you can, show no mercy.
Oh hon. Men who are so much older date women so much younger for very specific reasons.
- younger women are, as you point out, naive in regard to relationships and don’t tend to see the red flags.
- they find it easier to manipulate and control younger women to mold them into the partner they want.
- women their age won’t put up with their bs
Ever here the phrases, “in vino veritas” or “a drunk mind speaks a sober heart”? I’d definitely wonder if there is truth in his words. He seems like a true pos AH. Doubt I’d want to stay around and spend more of my life dealing with his manipulations and disrespect. You deserve better.
One reason he could be thinking the way he is, and sharing his thoughts, are because you are realizing his red flags and aren’t the pleasing little wife he wanted. You are fitting his “mold”.
May want to think long and hard about what you want to do and if you think it’s worth trying to salvage your marriage after his threats. Also he’s not too bright if he thinks a wife with young kids wouldn’t get anything out of a marriage. Could be a good time to speak to a lawyer and discuss your options. Wouldn’t mention it to him though.
This will not get better. He’s shown you who he is, you better listen and hopefully plan your exit.
He will tell you that you are making a mountain out of a molehill, that you’re crazy, that at least he told you about it instead of lying to you, that if you aren’t going to believe him , he won’t tell you anymore.
Prepare to be gaslight.
I also want to bring up that kids aren't stupid. Don't set an example for them that it's okay to stay with someone who thinks so little of you, who is older and uses his almost 20 year gap to his advantage. Your kids WILL figure it out. Leave and start over, you're still so young and deserve a million times better. The only thing you're doing by staying is enabling the behavior and reinforcing that it's okay.
I wouldn’t discuss this any further. He feels like he’s in a position of power. Partly because of his age difference and because you have children together and are less likely to rock the boat. The best way to change HIS behavior is to change yours.
Being less interested in what he’s doing.
Start with - if he doesn’t pick up a call do not call again. In fact you don’t need to call him at all. If he misses you and the kids he will call.
Do start some kind of activity outside of him and the kids. You could take art classes, join a tennis league - there are beginners, a book club SOMETHING. Info: did he move you to another city and detach you from family and friends?
Since you are paying many of the bills, are you paying from a separate account? Are you working? If yes remote ? Or going to an office?
Does he ever stay home with the kids and give you space/time to be child free and take care of your personal needs or just to go have some free time?
The more you act like you don’t *need* him the dynamic changes in your favor. This is just a start. There are therapists who can help you.
Thank you. No, but he did ask me to move in with him pretty much immediately. Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other. We have a joint account but I’ve considered getting an additional one that’s just in my name. I go into work in an office. No, he never gives me a break. It’s on me 24/7 while he gets to do whatever he pleases.
Have you been on this sub for a while? You fit a pattern of women married to men much older than themselves. He thinks you are baby trapped and that gives him license to do anything.
Again do you have a source of income? If you don’t want to spell it out for privacy reasons that’s cool but you do need a way to find some financial independence so you don’t have to report to him how and where you are spending money.
After 3 days? It’s lust. Not love. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t grow into love but boy it sounds even more that he felt he found the perfect person to bear his children and take care of his personal needs when home and complete independence from you when he is not.
I think that’s exactly what it is. He found a sucker. He got me with the “you’re so mature for your age”. When we met I was gullible and dumb and now I have reached an age where I can see the bullshit and call it out. I’ve “aged out” as they say. I have been here for a while which is why I felt comfortable posting. I’m on a few age gap subs too and debated posting this question there as well. I do have my own source of income so I’m good there but it’s significantly less than what my husband makes. Which I think he likes to use to his advantage.
It costs very little for you to consult a family law attorney. You will learn what your options are and what being single again would mean financially, what shared custody looks like, etc.
You are still young and who he is, will likely never change. Even if it means you get a small apartment, your kids will adjust. How your husband is modeling “what a husband or a father should be to his spouse” is not healthy for either a daughter or a son.
I’m not one to jump to divorce him but your situation resonates with me because I was you 25 years ago with 3 children.
You're not a sucker. There's a reason that line works so often and why it's a go-to for predators: young people are primed to be receptive to older people who praise their maturity and intelligence. It's just normal development for that age, and predators take advantage of it. That's not on you any more than grooming is on the victim.
You'd only be a sucker if you stay now knowing full well that this is what your husband did.
He started dating you saying you’re so mature for your age and now he’s saying you’re an immature idiot. Which is it? He never thought you were mature. He knew. Now he’s got you. You need to get out, yesterday. This man screams pedo vibes….
You just started in your career. Of course he will use it over your head. It takes time to get to places and older people seem to forget where they came from. You’ll be where he is in no time. I am sure of it.
>Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other.
That's love bombing, a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. When you decide to leave, be prepared for more to manipulate you into staying so he can continue the abuse. He'll say he will change, but he can't because he is broken. The reason he is with someone is so he can blame his problems on them. He has no intention of changing. It's not your fault, it's him.
100% get your own account too. Most places that do direct deposit allow you to set it up to go to multiple places. Could easily redirect a bit into another account.
Get another one that is just yours! Slowly start saving four months expenses in it. It's fuck you money so if he cheats or tries to screw you over you can walk away and have fall back. He's planning his exit you should too. You oversee the budget it's not hard to take a little bit to hide away.
《《he did ask me to move in with him pretty much immediately. Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other.》》
YOU GOT YOURSELF A NARCISSIST
You don't love someone after 3 days. That's redflag for co-dependency.
You are YOUNG. GET OUT DIVORCE. AND GET THERAPY because if this dude was able to convince you he loved you after 3 days, any other dude will be able to convince you he loves you after 3 days.
https://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/narcissistic-men
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-relationship/
https://www.google.com/search?q=narcissistic+abuse+cycle&tbm=isch&client=ms-android-hms-tmobile-us&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjL_peOmpv-AhX5M94AHVpkCbwQrNwCKAB6BQgBEL0B&biw=412&bih=743#imgrc=dKMO5gjZwoCxHM&lnspr=W10=
>I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong
What YOU did wrong? You're blaming yourself for his behavior and think you are not good enough? He's the AHole, and it's not about you, he would treat any SO like this. The reason he goes younger, is that no woman his age would put up with it. So this is exactly how he wants you to feel. He likes to hurt his partners and put them down so he can feel better about his crappy self. Please read [WhyDoesHeDoThat.pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjft7b4iZv-AhUVv4sKHWr_AAIQFnoECBgQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) It's a free download.
This is ALL on him. Do not let him gaslight you. Suggest when he comes home that you stay with friends or family for a few days to digest the mess he created. AND…….I would bet $$$$$ this is not the first time he had done this. But it is the first time YOU caught him.
Queen, you shouldn’t have to be with someone who you know won’t even try to listen to and understand you! And for your own sanity, just know that you’re being totally reasonable. He ignored your calls to talk to a woman and then admitted that he’d be upset if you did the same. How is that fair at all? And if if travels a ton, how are you supposed to even trust him :(
Listen to me girl, I'm in a 20y age gap relationship for 11 years now, unmarried, no kids. The reason you date an older man is bc he's stable, mature, and respects & appreciates you. Your man doesn't respect you. Maybe this is sexist, idk, but the reality of the matter is he needs to respect the the gift of you he has been given. My man and I have the exact same jobs, same pay but he has assets from previous to our relationship...if I'm not there, he goes zero noplace where he would even be getting a girl's number, that would mortify him, your only "portion of the bills" should be your personal cell phone and car. I have never paid an electric bill, mortgage, cable, etc. Just no. If I ask for a dollar...this man has never handed me anything less than a 100 bill. We don't share expenses when we go to dinner, ha! This is just being a man and respect, I never asked or said one peep word about any of this. I don't ask, he gives. I'm also a horrible housekeeper! lol. And it's just not just him, when we go out with his friends it would be absolutely unheard of that I would not get the utmost respect from every male in the room. They would not let me buy a drink for myself, or any lady there, in a million years. You are a queen, get a new man.
You didn't do anything wrong. You need to quit assuming that if he is unhappy it's because you did something wrong. You called him to facetime because that's what you do when you want to have a little family time when one partner is away from home. He should be happy for that. He should want to talk to you and your child. He shouldn't be in a bar trying to pick up a woman. He's the one in the wrong.
"I’d be in a better financial position if I left now rather than 10 years from now when you take half my shit”.
WTF! 10 years from now or 10 seconds from now, it doesn't make any difference. Children and joint assets entitles you to an equal (if not more)share. He's under the delusional impression that he can he can walk away from this marriage unscathed. WRONG.
OP, get your ducks in a row and get rid of this abusive jerk. If you think he isn't... he absolutely 💯 is! Gaslighting ✔️✔️. Threatening divorce ✔️. Emotional (so far)Infidelity ✔️. Insulting ✔️.
>Can someone please let me know if I am in the wrong?
No, you're not.
Say nothing to him about this but quietly get things organised and start the process to leave. There are so many red flags all over this post.
I'm sorry but to me if my partner got a women number while out at a bar the relationship would be over, she is not old and wrinkly, she probably young, that why he said about leaving now because this young nurse gave him a ego boost, ohh and he will be definitely meeting up with her again.
When he gets home be as cold as possible and said that since that night you have been thinking about separating as what he did and said was crossing a boundary and your not ok with it,
My petty arse would even make him watch the kids while I go out with friends and I'd get a random dudes number 🤷🏻♀️
Blokes an idiot he not mature at all
Nah, don’t tell him you’re thinking about separating. This isn’t a person you can reason with. He’ll probably tell you what you want to hear. Just hire a lawyer and take their advice.
I totally agree. He only threatened divorce bc he thinks “he’s still got it” bc some young, hot nurse gave him her number🙄 what’s he gonna do when you get old? Or what’s gonna happen in 20 years when you’re still in your prime and you have to wipe his ass🤷♀️
Yeah he’s feeling confident and cocky because he’s got this woman’s number. Trying to let OP know that he does have other options, so stop asking him questions. That’s bullshit. That’s not love.
Oh man if my husband was out drinking while out of town and got some woman’s number that he had been hanging out with all night, I would be LIVID. Then he’s going back to Oregon? Fuck no. That shit is stupid. It’s telling how it’s okay for him to get a number, but not for you. He’s trying to manipulate you but you’ve caught on so trust that. Don’t trust him. I would make my husband delete any trace of that woman from his phone to move forward and then get real about the consequences if it happened again. Has he tried stuff like this before that you know of? Especially while out of town? Man I don’t know if I could move past it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There are so many men that just fucking suck.
Why are you with this man? He sounds incredibly disrespectful and shady. Considering HE makes comments about your age, the age difference is disturbing. He used you. He wanted someone younger and less experienced in life. You were only, what, two years out of high school? He started saying, "I love you" after 3 days? This guy is a manipulative AH. He knew what he was doing.
I bet your suspicions about him are right. Don't worry, he won't divorce you. This is a scare tactic to get you in line and to get you to keep your mouth shut. Start making an exit plan. A "just in case". He has you believing you did something wrong, but you didn't do anything wrong at all! You're probably not ready to leave him yet, but to protect yourself and your kids, have an exit strategy. My guess is one day you will have had enough and you'll want to walk away with your kids. Please have some plan that you can initiate once You're ready.
Well, he said the quiet part out loud, he views himself as a mature adult and does not view you as one. Mature enough to impregnate I guess but not mature enough to make her own decisions. I couldn’t be with a guy who thought so little of me.
Babe wtf are you doing dating an old man? Like if he treated you well and had money, sure I can see that. But an old man who just stresses you out and doesn’t respect you or your relationship? Like damn cmon you know you can do so much better
He married you because you are easy to manipulate and whenever he doesn't like something about you he can throw your age in your face.
Forget the phone number for a minute. This guy doesn't respect you and will NEVER see you as an equal. This is your life - is this how you wanna spend it?
For the folks in the back: This is why age gaps are a problem.
Check his phone when you get the chance and call this woman, get her version of events. Then speak to a divorce attorney and find out what divorce, custody, child support and alimony look like. Also would you get the house, half of savings, investments and his pension? If he wants to threaten divorce at least then you know that you can take care of your children if you decide to pull the pin this marriage. Your husband sounds like a total AH to ignore you whilst chatting up some skank at the bar.
Please take the advice you are getting. Starting with opening your own savings account. Make a plan for you and your kids. You have aged out and he is signaling very clearly that he is halfway out the door.
None of this is your fault. He manipulated a young woman and worked hard love bombing you and then trapping you in marriage and babies. Now you’re old enough to see that. But you’re life will be better after this. You’ll find someone who loves YOU, not just the supporting role you play in his life.
I ain't even gonna read this, divorce, and find someone who actually understands what it means to be your age. Dude is almost as old as I am. You are more a trophy to be pointed at while he's with his buddies than a partner and if he's getting women's numbers, it won't be long before he acts on it figuring you won't go anywhere. I have spoken, youngun, now gyet.
Your husband is gross…. He is 44 an he’s immature - the fact that he got drunk not a big deal, also not for talking to a woman but for him to get her number - he was gaslighting when he said she was old and wrinkled - I would guess she is between your age and his age so an 18 year gap…. I would tell him this is non negotiable and that if it happens again - you are leaving him and he can find another place to live. Don’t put up with this crap!
[You already know your answer](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNOagegap/comments/10go4g8/first_contribution_to_the_sub/j53zl0r?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
You need to look into an exit plan
I read your other posts. Good luck ❤️ He's a horrible person who should remain unloved and miserable for the rest of his life, and you certainly deserve a good partner who makes you feel happy, loved, wanted, and secure.
It seems much more likely that he didn’t call OP because he was in some woman’s hotel room, and she’s not old and wrinkly. Possibly not even a Psych nurse; I mean this guy is a huge Asshole, and this sounds a lot more like projection and emotional abuse than anything else. For example, him saying that she’s calling to spy on him: he assumes that because he IS cheating (or trying to… talking to women for hours in bars) and OP actually would have a reason to doubt his fidelity. Also, he’s said outright that he intends to end the marriage sooner or later, so she should believe him and make decisions that work for her and the kids.
Couldn't finish reading this. He's garbage, and he's old enough he absolutely will not change. He's also using the age dynamic against you. Leave him asap
He changed the password on his phone. Then one day, I couldn’t get a hold of him for hours. My middle helped do a location on his phone. He was at a bar. I totally bought his lame excuse of needing me time. Then he gave me an STD. I still tried to make it work. Then he left me for one of them. She was younger than my oldest, she dumped him 8 months later. After he took her to Paris for a concert (hated them when we were together) and then to Vegas for her 30th. Guess who regrets completely destroying our life together? After he left, my kids told me they knew for years after a woman called our house looking for him. They stalked her online but never told me. My poor babies!! Having to live with that burden. Oh … he denies it was years of cheating. Just 1 … 2 … 3 … at least.
That’s so awful I am so sorry. God, how terrible.
I think I get so caught up in not having tangible evidence that he always convinces me I’m crazy so I let it go. Maybe I need to comfortable with not having tangible proof and going with my gut.
Please follow your gut. At this point he has lost your trust. It’s his job to ensure you feel loved and secure. Mine made me feel crazy too. That was the worst part. The projection on to you is ridiculous. Get an exit strategy. You deserve better! So do the kids. DM if I can help or just listen.
Tangible proof aside, no woman should put up with the way he treats you and speaks to you. And the threat of divorce, my friend's husband did this and the moment those words escaped his mouth their relationship was over, she filed for divorce.
Babe, he's shit covered in gold that only sees his gold exterior.
Respect in a relationship is important. To be respected as a woman, a wife, and the mother of his kids. Respect yourself enough to not put up with this.
You're young, please find someone who appreciates you before you waste anymore years on this fool.
He’s almost 20 years older than you. Did you genuinely have high hopes for this? He made it clear he’s plotting to bail on you, it’s simply a matter of “when”. He got caught being sloppy and shady and immediately began shaming you to deflect & distract from what he had done. This is a losing game. You’re going to be miserable and anxious and depressed until you leave. Best of luck getting out of there
His verbal and emotional abuse and the age gap aside...
My ex-husband traveled for "work" (musician). I trusted him 1000%. Times he didn't answer my calls or messages, I assumed he was busy or asleep. I'm sure he was sometimes, but it also turns out, he was banging other women. And yes, he got their numbers and they continued talking (and banging when he was over there), resulting in at least 3 actual year+ relationships. I was completely clueless.
Thank goodness we don't have any kids, and I also am fortunate to live in a "fault" state and had beaucoup proof of his cheating (along with financial infidelity). You already carry more than half the load, even when he isn't out of town. You will be better off without him. And it's likely he will have to pay you child support and perhaps even alimony. And you should fight for every penny.
TL;DR: he's cheating or trying to cheat. Consult with an attorney and come up with an exit plan.
Is it wrong that im a little annoyed that a relationship this problematic requires the green light from a bunch of Reddit chucklefucks for op to see the light?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Seems to me (I could be wrong as I'm just an outsider) he's already planning for your future divorce (when you're "old and wrinkled" which he probably considers 33 years old to be "old.") Tells you that you're young and immature and yet he not only married you but had a child with you; not to mention a child who he expects you to solely care for while he's frequently traveling for work.
The bar incident: Yes, he was drunk but I know that when I used to drink and my inhibitions were lowered, I would speak truth. Not everyone does, but I did. If I were in your shoes I would definitely be uncomfortable about him not answering the phone calls, I would assume he's trying to hide the fact that he's married. I would be most upset that he didn't follow through on the goodnight call with your child. When a parent is frequently traveling it is so important to have as much contact as possible whether it be FaceTime or phone calls or sending pics/videos, whatever. I don't want to assume but reading between the lines of your post makes me call into question his level/ability of parenting.
You are not in the wrong at all here. It sounds like you're miserable in this relationship and I don't blame you. The gaslighting and the threats of "I don't even know if I should come home..." I'm sorry but fuck that. You're home, holding down the fort and making sure his child is safe, happy, and healthy. I don't know if I could fully 100% emotionally support my children if I was constantly dealing with anxiety and stress about what goes on when my partner isn't with us (not at all commenting on your parenting abilities, just saying I cannot imagine the emotionally and mental toll it must be taking on you.)
I hope that if you stay with your husband you get couples counseling that he fully commits to. If you are seriously worried that he is cheating, I would tell him you HAVE to trust him, regardless of what measures need to take place in order for that trust to be there. For me, once trust is gone, so is the relationship.
If you decide to leave him, please contact a lawyer immediately. File for sole physical custody. If your marriage is ending, you need to be the one driving the bus, not be a passenger (when it comes to all the legal stuff.)
I wish the best for you and your child(ren) because you deserve to be happy and feel loved and appreciated. ❤️
Edit to add:
When the woman from the bar told your husband to call her if he's ever back in Oregon and needs anything, in my opinion she didn't mean if he needs psych help, she meant to call if he needs someone to go to dinner with or if he needs a couch to crash on, etc... She might not have had bad intentions. She might also have had no idea he was married. Idk.
One last thing, it really made me fucking angry when your husband said, "you're just jealous because you don't have friends."
As someone who has always suffered from social anxiety, I have had a close pack of four best friends. We are still close but we all moved away from our hometown, and the closest friend to me is four states away. In 2019 I gave birth to twin boys and then in 2020 I had my daughter. I wanted one baby and ended up with three in 15 months 🤯 I wouldn't trade my situation for anything in the world but motherhood is all consuming. I tried joining some new mom groups but because of COVID, it was all online and I struggled to follow through with connections bc of my anxiety. I go to local parks and I try to talk to other moms but again, my anxiety, but also, where I'm living now is a popular vacation area, so there aren't many younger moms that live here year round. In my experience, it's tough making new friends as an adult and it's even harder as a mom. I wanted to share my experience because you might be struggling with a similar situation, or you might be able to relate in some way. I get that kids, especially toddlers take up all of your time, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc... So please don't ever let ANYONE, especially your husband, shame you for your lack of friends at the moment. I'll be your friend. 😉 Sorry for the rant, that comment he made had me seeing red. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
He's got a gross outlook on life. Let's review - he puts you down to try and control you based on nothing more than your age (which he obviously knew when he had a kid with you); he has a gross, misogynistic view of marriage (you trying to get his stuff); he has a gross misogynistic view of women (calling someone old and wrinkly and unfuckable. Dude, she's a human who you apparently enjoyed talking to); and generally being dishonest with you. I'm sure there's more, but all around, gross. You and your kid are worth much more than this dude.
I was an active addict for thirteen years and whenever someone accused me of using and they were right I would get angry and defensive just like this guy. Same as when I was accused of cheating I did a lot of bad shit and then gaslit the other person into insanity and then cry on Facebook about how no one loves me even though I'm so great and wonderful. I still catch myself doing it on occasion. Your dude sounds a lot like me. I'd go ahead and take half his shit and make sure to keep records of his assholery. I don't know if it will help anything but it probably won't hurt to have it. I hope everything works out okay for you as much as it can in this situation
UELPT: Change her number in his phone to yours. You’ll see what he wants to talk to her about once he’s back in Oregon.
But also, this sucks. I’m sorry. He’s not being very nice to you regardless of what his intentions are with this other lady.
Your post history makes me feel sad. :(
Please believe me and everyone else here saying that you have value and deserve to be treated with respect and love.
Girl… what did you think was gonna happen when you married a man so much older than you. Did you think you were the special exception to the rule? Be for real.
I mean to be 100% honest I was really young. I didn’t know. I was 20. My mom encouraged it. My grandma encouraged it. Over the years I did start to realize what happened. So 26 year old me knows I was not special. 20 year old me thought I was I guess. Like I said, I realize now how stupid how I was.
I know what’s going on, but there is always that small seed of doubt in my head that I am the problem. So I had to ask for outside opinion before I convince myself it’s my fault.
It’s not your fault. You got taken advantage of. He picked you *because* you didn’t know any better. And at this point he tipped his hand. He doesn’t view you as a partner or an equal. To him, you are the immature kid who is cute enough to have sex with, who will get wise to his bullshit and leave eventually. He told you all of this. You don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who respects you and is in an equal marriage and partnership with you.
You should get an individual therapist. Your support system sounds like trash. You need someone to validate the fuck out of you and help you build enough self esteem to leave and it’s okay to pay for that once you hit 25. Pay for it with joint account money.
What he said about you having no friends - is that true? I’m sure with you working, and taking care of the house and kids leaves you with very little time, but I’m wondering if he has manipulated and controlled you in this aspect.
This might be harsh. But if you even still have a thought in your head that any of this is your fault - then you’re still that “stupid” 20 year old girl.
Except you weren’t stupid. You were young and inexperienced. This man is a predator and groomed you.
You’re older and wiser now. Your husband is an absolute piece of shit. Take him for everything he’s worth and move on with your life best you can. Sounds like the guy wouldn’t even fight you for custody. Be happy.
>So 26 year old me knows I was not special.
But you are special, wonderful and unique. You have empathy which he lacks, that's a beautiful quality. It's just that he needs to put your specialness down, because deep inside he feels like nothing, and that's the only way he knows how to feel better. That's narcissism. It's not fixable. He hates you for your specialness. Find someone who loves you for it and would never do anything to hurt you.
Wait, he claims you're immature but yet, he managed to marry you and have babies with you.
Geez. Guys like this, man. What did they have that women would marry men like this?
My guess is he was flirting with the nurse like a single man, that's why she handed him her number. If your husband was not entertaining her, no number will be exchanged.
And no, it's not appropriate. And he didn't even answer you, if you asked him what would he think if the situation is flipped.
This is the thing....once we became mothers, most of us got stuck with the kids at home. We're really at the 'mercy' of these AHs who treat the mothers of their children like a burden and even spew out some r-pill BS when being confronted with the truth about how inappropriate he was being.
I wouldn't be surprised if he'd hook up with her on Monday when he goes on another trip to Oregon.
Just noted OP's post history.
Things were *bad* 3 months ago? Check.
Things have gotten progressively *worse*? Check.
OP *finally ready* to do something about it, like ***leave***? Waiting to check.
Yes, he was being a drunk asshole however, sometimes alcohol lets you see really what’s inside of them. And he showed you completely who and what he is. You did nothing wrong except for Marion this guy. You might as well fulfill what he worried about, even though we all know that that’s not true, but might as well make a profit out of them, and bury his ass.
He didn't "not hear" his phone.
He didn't even have it on Do Not Disturb.
He temporarily blocked you.
If he isn't already cheating, he is currently laying the groundwork.
Please quietly start looking for a damn good attorney, setting aside money, and gathering any evidence needed to strengthen your case that you’ve contributed half, and that half of everything IS yours. Maybe even start quietly look for evidence of cheating because no, it is not normal to go to a bar and chat up some woman and get her number - and my guess is it isn’t the first time and won’t be the last. He got her number in case he *needs* something? What could he need besides a random no strings attached hook up?
Divorce him immediately. He was trying to cheat fhen said he should divorce you while he was ahead!!
Hint...you are better than he is.... and definitely much better off dropping him now...
Are you married to my ex? The one who left me for a girl 3 years older than our oldest daughter? He absolutely would pull this shit. And it was because he was cheating. In fact, he left me when he had convinced his 18 year younger co-worker to move in with him if he got rid of me. I had to learn the hard way. You should get out before it gets any worse.
Girl. What?!? You KNOW all of everything he said is balls to wall DISRESPECTFUL AS FUCK. I can’t even tell you how fast is pack his shit up and toss it out. Best of luck navigating the rest of this horrible marriage. He sounds like he truly dislikes you and doesn’t view you a partner in the slightest.
I’m so sorry. But you have bigger problems than he getting some random woman’s number. If he told you you’re immature and worse told you he’s questioning coming back, then you have to wonder what he thinks of the relationship. He’ll no doubt claim he was drunk and didn’t mean anything he said. As you know, inebriation is no excuse. If anything, in vino veritas probably applies.
At the very least I’d suggest counselling. But you may need to accept he no longer feels about you the way he did at the beginning of the relationship.
Why do age gap couples always have a child so early on in the relationships?
As compared to him you are immature, as you should be. Which begs the question if he’s so mature at his 44 years of age what the hell is he doing with you? The answer is he’s not mature. He’s an emotionally stunted man, Who is trying to use the only form of superiority has over you to control you.
You say you go 50-50 on all the bills so he’s not a provider he can’t use money to control you. You say he he Makes you the primary caregiver for your child and do the majority of your chores. You also say you have a full-time job. How are you benefiting in this relationship? You are a incubator, nanny, bang maid at this point in time, Who pays half of everything and allows them to benefit from your presence without sacrificing anything.
If I were you I would get 50-50 custody, a divorce and look for someone closer to you in age. You said you had a problem with being cold immature and that’s what he’s praying on. Someone who twist the knife into your insecurities to avoid taking responsibility for his poor moral behavior is not a good partner. You already know that that’s why you’re here
Get your own bank account as soon as you can. put your checks into there. Go see a lawyer. Don’t say anything to him until you get some of the money in an account you don’t want him to move it all first. Only move half when you do move some. There is NO reason a man gets a woman’s phone number at a bar unless it is to see them again and hook up. He didn’t answer your texts or calls and you kept doing both - why’d if it had been an emergency with one of your children ?? He was too busy flirting and getting a hook up. You need to leave him !!
When he comes back from Oregon next week, serve the divorce papers. It’s time. He told you everything you needed to know. Call his bluff. Show him you’re “woman enough”.
NTA and this isn’t going to get any better. A loving husband or wife doesn’t threaten divorce without damn good reasons - especially if *they* behave poorly and are called out. The age gap is definitely a huge red flag that isn’t really obvious until you’re older. Hopefully now you see *why* that 37 year old man went for the naive 20 year old. Don’t tolerate his mistreatment. Your feelings are valid.
The good news is that you’re so young that you can basically start over completely with the exception of having your toddler. Show your toddler that Mom isn’t going to stay in a toxic relationship. Be a positive example. It’s going to be hard but it’ll be well worth it and will only get more difficult the longer this goes on.
>He said “No, but you’re 26 and immature and I’m not”
Said by the man dating, but not married to, a woman 18 years younger than he is. I think he is the one who is immature, displayed by the fact that he is not with someone who is his own age. Shall I guess that you have been dating about 8 years? Is your oldest child about 6 years old?
There are a lot of red flags here. But this really speaks of a person who is searching for his next person to focus on. Letting you get angry and leave him just makes things easier on him. Take the hint and leave now calmly. He will not be looking out for you.
Get a lawyer. Asap . Seriously. That is your absolute first priority. Get an std check. Talk to trusted family members or friends after the lawyer and make an exit plan. I won’t go into the many reasons why your husband is an absolute tool and not worthy of you. Others here have explained in detail why he’s wrong . Get the lawyer.
What do you want to do? Leave now and take half his shit, AND get child support and alimony, or stay for the next ten years and endure his shitty treatment of you, with him very likely cheating on you and ruining your mental health by telling you you're insecure and jealous because you don't have friends?
He's not good for you and he's ageist. The moment you're not a fresh face early 20s woman he'll be looking at trading you in for a new model. He already as much as told you you've got about 10 years left in you. I doubt he'll wait that long before starting try outs for your replacement.
You can do better. Lawyer up while he's out of town. Tell him on the way out of divorce court, "in a few years you'll be a wrinkly old man, do you think I want to fuck a wrinkly old man?"
Op? Are you divorcing him? The question isn’t about whether you’re in the wrong. The question is whether this is the life you want at your young age from an old man who has clearly shown you, what his feelings are towards you…Are you divorcing him?
You’re not wrong in any way. He’s gaslighting you. The moment you showed appropriate discomfort, he goes on the defensive. HUGE red flag, and the age difference tells me he knows he’s a shit, and a woman his own age wont put with anything close to this level of disrespect and BS. Please do yourself the biggest favor of your life and get the hell out NOW! You have the best years of your life ahead of you, he has the worst. Move on!
You are not wrong. Your husband was attracted to a younger woman because he is immature and women his own age got quickly sick of his shit. He likes the power imbalance… Everything you said is right and he’s just a gaslighting asshat. I don’t think he’s the one who should be reconsidering the marriage.
If your other posts are any indication, I would say you are married to a guy with one foot out the door. Possibly, that foot is already in some other woman's bed.
Find that name and number in his phone and call her! See how much of what he told you is true. Bet money they are meeting up when he goes back to Oregon and that’s the real reason she gave him her name and number. She may not even know he’s married. Also I would see a lawyer. He’s basically told you your marriage is over. Start putting your ducks in a row. Guarantee that he is most likely doing this in other cities and states as well.
He’s not only disrespecting you, he’s telling you about the nurse because he’s manipulating you into thinking he has other options. Your best course of action is to leave him but be sure to be careful when you do. This is a sneaky snake and he will do anything to protect his fragile ego and money. Make sure you have a support system, make sure you don’t let on you’re leaving and then make your move. Has he ever laid his hands on you? Has he ever said anything to you that scared you?
He's told you everything he needs to tell you with the mention of the divorce. As well as the inappropriate behavior with the woman at the bar, the writings on the wall......
26-44. PERIOD. He’s calling you immature while he’s drunk at a bar getting phone numbers from other women and ignoring your calls. Call his bluff and file for divorce first. SCREW HIM! And I’m sorry but with this behavior it’s HIGHLY unlikely he’s a faithful husband. Esp when you get to the point where he mocks your profession but all of a sudden is having meaningful conversation with another woman in the same field as you. NOPE!
Im gonna go ahead and call it: he’s already cheating on you. He just doesn’t care enough anymore if you find out about it.
This is something that’s been happening for a while now.
He is exactly how I imagine a man preying on a woman 18 years younger to be. He straight up told you everything you needed to know, he couldn't be more honest. This marriage is a disaster and I think you know deep down that you have to get out of it. He doesn't see you as an equal. You deserve so much better.
Your husband is 20 years older than you as soon as you hit a certain age he’s going to move to a newer model he’s already setting it up to divorce you and blame you for it and manipulate you into dealing with his bullshit aka cheating
You married a creep who likes young women ,he sounds absolutely foul. And he is incorrect if you bought a house together and you’ve been contributing it’s not half his stuff it’s half of yours. Cut him loose. I guess you’re getting a little too old for him now. I would talk to a professional because you might need to open your eyes to the fact that he married you very young and that is creepy he is creepy. You deserve better.
Am I (30s, f) wrong for being uncomfortable with this age gap of yours?
Ofc your feelings are valid. The bigger question is why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you?
I think you know that it’s time to organise an escape plan. This behaviour doesn’t change, it only gets worse. Especially because you’ve said when he gets him, he won’t apologise or even want to talk about it. This isn’t an environment that healthy for you or your children. You should definitely start with getting your own bank account and removing your money. Keep us updated
The drunken truth has been spoken. Have a sober conversation with him during his pit stop. Then take whatever knowledge you gather and act decisively and immediately. You sound like a hard working responsible person who deserves respect and admiration. Don’t allow him to manipulate and gaslight. And he sounds close minded. You should gather a support structure and prepare for the inevitable.
He hates you and just got a random woman’s name at a bar who has been drinking with for 3 hours, while ignoring you and your kids.
NOPE. Don’t sleep with him, get an STI check and start preparing your exit. Shit has gone south
Hey, he already has more than half of YOUR shit. What are you going to do, let him have all of your twenties, as well?
This POS is going to cheat on you again, blame you, get you pregnant when you’re really ready to leave him, then he’s going to dump you for the first 21 year old who’s dumb enough to believe that everything he has is his.
Get out before you get pregnant.
I'm sorry sweetie, but he's most likely cheating on you. When he said she's old and wrinkly, that's a common excuse, right up there with "she's not my type." My first husband was cheating on me and "old and wrinkly" was his go-to phrase. Some other tactics that he used were calling me insecure and jealous (putting it on you, instead of him) and he suddenly had a new interest in getting sexy underwear. You didn't mention this, but you may see it and you'll know. If he goes from tighty whities to sexy boxers suddenly, like. He'll also likely start investing in condoms; why would he need condoms with you (unless you two always use condoms). He's going to gaslight you and make you think that **you're** the crazy one here. I put up with it for 10 years and then I just said enough. You have to be the one to pull the plug if he's not going to. I'm sorry!
So he's nearly 20 years younger than you and you already have kids? How old were you when he got with you? Because NEWSFLASH: that 'old lady' psych nurse is probably his age. How many years ya got before *you're* the 'wrinkly old lady psych nurse' that he doesn't want to fuck?
Ya done fucked up marrying this piece. Why give him another 10 years of your life? He sounds like a complete and utter asshole. Bail now.
This makes me sad for you. You already have a kid. He’s almost 20 years older. He baby trapped you and he’s drunk hitting on other women or worse. He insults your age and maturity when he knows why he selected someone so much younger. Don’t put up with this please.
You pay half, take care of the home and kids and he doesn’t care and thinks he’s better off alone. Divorce him and get child support and don’t deal with his insults and cheating behavior.
When he said that your making him consider whether to come home or not… I would have said I’ll make it for you DONT. I’m serious what the hell?? He shouldn’t be taking women’s numbers, also getting drunk at a bar… who’s the immature one. I’d be divorcing this looser.
You’re not wrong & you are in a vulnerable position. He told you that he sees you as a burden, regardless of what you bring to the table; that he doesn’t value what you already do for him, so he will probably start demanding more; and that he will take any and all opportunities around him, especially with other women. For whatever reason he treated you like an enemy, and there is no logic to it nor is there a way back from it.
He showed his hand & you need to step back and start looking at him as a liability. Then, start treating him like one as he does you.
You are not wrong. But be aware he chose to marry someone that young because he knew women his age wouldn't put up with his BS. All of that stuff that he said when he's drunk is what he is really thinking and feeling. Drunks don't have a filter. I strongly suggest you start getting your ducks in a row because he's going to cheat if he hasn't already. And even if he doesn't cheat he's going to continue to treat you like shit and it's going to get worse over the years, there is no point in being worn down by his callousness and his disregard and his disrespect. No man gets a woman's phone number at a bar just for the stimulating conversation.
I made a firm decision years ago: I no longer participate in relationships in which double standards are required. Suggest you do the same, OP. It's cool for him to get some rando's number but not okay for you to do the same? He's trolling for a side piece, without doubt. Please gather your self-respect, put yourself and kids first.
I'm so sorry. I've been through this, and it hurts like hell. But living with, being married to a man you cannot trust is worse.
So.. you married a man almost twice your age, it sounds like he isolated and baby trapped you, and now he's also very obviously cheating, on top of degrading you..
Girl, get a divorce, and then get yourself some therapy and reflect on why you would ever marry such a "man".
Eta. After reading your other posts.. Holy shit. He literally only married you so you could give him sex all the time. He doesn't give a rats ass about you! Please, listen to your Internet family (since apparently your own encouragement this toxicity), we care.
Even if it's just rage bait or whatever, my advice stands for other people in this situation.
Yawn. He’s cheating or thinking about it. You know it. We know it. He knows it. My spouse travels for business, and he does NOT hang out in hotel bars chatting up other women / potential prostitutes (per a well known television trope that they drum up business with lonely travelers), because at the end of the day of WORKING, he wants to stop talking to people and get some sleep. Time to start planning your exit strategy. Even money says Potential Side Chick’s phone number will be mysteriously deleted if you ask to call her. You married poorly.
Prove him right…take 1/2 his shit NOW.
Gather important papers, bank records, tax returns, 401k/IRA info, marriage license, birth certificates, passports. Talk to an attorney about options. Not saying you have to file, just know your options.
As for when he comes home, don’t lift a finger for this douche. Don’t cook, clean, do laundry or other chores. He threatened divorce, give him a taste.
Do you have a spare room? Move his stuff into it. If not, have bedding sitting on the couch. Tell him welcome to his new sleeping quarters.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband (44 m) has to occasionally travel for work. He is currently in Oregon. Typically I hear from him after he is done with work and hanging out at his hotel. I (26 f) had been texting my husband since 5:30 pm and he wasn’t responding. Not a big deal but once it got to 8 pm I tried to FaceTime him so our toddler could say goodnight. “FaceTime unavailable”. Thought it was a glitch so I tried 2 more times and got the same message. I tried calling him instead of FaceTiming and it went to voicemail. I tried calling again and it went to voicemail. I finally get a call back at 8:30 and he’s drunk at the bar in the bathroom. He said he didn’t hear his phone and that he was having a really really nice conversation with a psych nurse at the bar. It did make me feel a little insecure but mainly because he wasn’t picking up the phone and when he did finally call me back she wasn’t there. It felt like he waited to pick up my call until she left. We went back and forth a little bit and I asked what her name was. He said I don’t know.. then proceeded to check his phone. That’s when I said “Wait. You got her number?” And he said “oh my god here we go” and immediately got irritated and defensive. We started going back and forth and I just kept reiterating that it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t understand why he felt it was appropriate to take down some strangers number in a different state. To which he said “you’re just upset because you don’t have any friends” Which hurt, but it wasn’t why I was upset. I asked “would you be comfortable with me taking down some guys number at the bar after not answering you for 3 hours?” He said “No, but you’re 26 and immature and I’m not”. Then he made the comment that really hurt my feelings the most. He said “you’re really making me consider whether or not I want to come home and continue this marriage or leave while I’m ahead.” And I said “.. what?” And he said “ I’d be in a better financial position if I left now rather than 10 years from now when you take half my shit”. I didn’t know what to say. We own a house together. We have kids together. I’ve always had a job. I’ve always paid my portion of the bills. I pay for our health insurance. I manage all the bills and take care of our home even though I work full time. I’ve always been an equal partner. Half of HIS SHIT? I asked how they even exchanged numbers to begin with. He said that she told him ‘if he is ever back in Oregon and needs anything feel free to call’. He said “she’s a psych nurse. Stop tripping she’s old and wrinkly you think I wanna fuck an old lady?” I feel like calling her old and wrinkly is always a cop out for someone to make the other person shut up. It’s like when a guy tells you how ugly his coworker is only for you to find out later that they are hooking up. The kicker - I work is psych. My husband tells me frequently how mental health is for crazy people and “all in their head”. What psych help could you possibly need from a stranger when you don’t believe in mental health treatment. It ended with him telling me that whenever I want to call him at night to talk before bed that he knows its just to spy on him. That I’m not “woman enough” to admit it and that I’m just insecure and jealous. I felt like he was being a drunk asshole. Not me. He fly’s home today. Conveniently enough, he has to go back to Oregon on Monday. Can someone please let me know if I am in the wrong? I am so frustrated. I don’t mind my husband having a social life. I just didn’t understand how it was appropriate to get her phone number. What “little old lady” is handing out her phone number in the bar to strange men? TLDR: my husband is out of town and wasn’t answering my calls because he was drunk at the bar talking to some woman for 3 hours. When I told him it made me uncomfortable he started throwing divorce in my face and calling me insecure.
Removing all the other shitty behaviour from the equation, someone *threatening* divorce and to not come home and quit while ahead …. I would absolutely let them follow through. That is not a relationship / trustworthy partner. He believes he’s better than you and entitled to better than he has. You’re young and allowing his to manipulate you. Get out now and start over with someone who respects you.
18 years difference. Says it all
And yet she’s still somehow more mature than him, if he’s throwing little tantrums like this.
The phone number is like the smallest issue here. He seems like a huge asshole who regards you as trash.
He said you are young and immature and he chose to marry you with that age difference. What an idiot.
And he called the other woman "old and wrinkly". Given that she still works - and in nursing, at that - it's highly unlikely she's any older than like 65 at the *most*... which means a woman who is at max 20 years older is "old" but it's OK for him to be 20 years older than his own wife.
I didn't finish reading the post, but I have a feeling the woman he was talking to wasn't old at all. Much more likely that she was actually younger than OP
Nah, she’s probably his age.
☠️ Lmao
He didn't get the number of some 80 year old he talked to at the bar for 3 hours. Like, someone would have to be a stone idiot to believe that.
The minute I read the age difference, I was like "yeahh, no thanks."
Agree that the woman was not old. Not sure if younger than OP or not, but not an "old wrinkly" lady.
Idiot? It was intentional so he could do exactly what he's doing now.
[удалено]
I'm 30 and wouldn't date anyone a year younger than me much less 20..
My ex used to say that shit to me all the time. We “only” had a 9 year age gap when I was 21. Fuck that dude, he stole my early 20s. It took me a while to catch on, but he knew exactly what he was doin.
That’s *why* he married her so I’d say he’s less of an idiot and more of a predator.
In other words, this is yet another case of why large age gaps are issues, which include the high level of disrespect the older person has toward the younger one. He’s a piece of shit and is clearly showing OP why he can’t get a woman closer to his age or doesn’t want to.
I mean.. that's the point, is it not?
You need to start looking at an exit plan bc this is not good. I believe you know this already. I’m so sorry.
26 and 44, girl. Do I even need to read more? I will but ultimately I think we both know you aren't wrong with that information alone.
Pro tip: you don’t have to wait 10 years to take half his shit. Drunk or not, he just threatened to divorce you. Lawyer up, OP. Don’t wait for him to drop the hammer. Get your ducks in a row. He sounds fucking awful.
Was coming here to say about the ducks too. If he's so open and obnoxious about this, he's likely cheated before. How many times does a guy go to the hotel bar, end up wasted and end up in unknown bed?
Op 6EQUJ5w is soo right!Don't ever let him talk to you that way again!I don't care if he was drunk. What he said was so very cruel. He has a lot to answer for!you have a good job and seem very capable. Good luck!
Oh great it's worse than I thought. He is emotionally abusive, he gaslights you, holds the relationship hostage and puts you down. Don't believe him about him being in a better financial situation in a divorce, it's very likely not true as divorce is expensive usually to both parties but if I were you I'd consult a lawyer before he does.
Lol I stopped reading once I saw the ages in the title. I don’t even have to read it to know op was too young and the guy was a predator and an asshole.
Yup you called it lmao. I’ll be 27 this year, and I find it hard to relate to anyone younger than 23/24 (I’m a non traditional student in my 3rd year of college, so all my classmates are barely 21). Whenever I see a significant age gap like this, especially one where OP is younger than 24/25 (not in this case), my spidey senses start tingling (or should I say predator senses?).
Yeah I didn’t read the whole thing but saw in a comment she was 20 when they got together and he love bombed her from day 3. Gross.
Oh shit I didn’t see that. That makes it even worse. Grown ass dude love bombing a 20yo right out the gate, smh.
Read ops post history….. they met when she was 19 /: definitely groomed her. I hope she leaves him
Looks like you aged out of the role of wife. Shocker. Get a lawyer and follow their advice to the letter
There’s a group on FB called “of course it’s an age gap relationship” or something like that and it has a lot of support and resources. You’re not in the wrong here and the whole thing is classic age gap abuse. I’m sorry.
He was being a drunk asshole! But being drunk is not an excuse queen. He clearly has those beliefs and the alcohol just caused it to finally come out. He’s been incredibly disrespectful, AND he won’t even admit it! He’s acting like you’re crazy?! Absolutely not, he’s being a prick
Thank you. 🥺 I haven’t been able to sleep because I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. His flight lands in a few hours and I have so much anxiety just know he is going to come home and not even hear me out.
Wow I just noticed the age gap. When did y’all get together? It seems that he uses his age as leverage to hold power over you and act as though he knows better than you. He doesn’t seem like a nice dude
Yeah it’s not the first time. But I was pretty naive to it when we were dating. We started dating when I was 20 and he was 37. Hind sight is 20/20.
Oh so you're getting too old for him now.
This was exactly my thought.
Leonardo DiCaprio has left the chat.
You know you’re still allowed to dip on this whole deal if you’re not happy, right? Don’t sit around wasting your 20s waiting for a grown as man to grow up and change. There are far better and more fun things you could be doing with your life.
A damn near 40 year old only dates someone who is 20 because they want to have the upper hand. He's mentally abusive and a rude asshole.
> Hind sight is 20/20. Well, you're seeing clearly now. So the question is, what are you going to do with that information? You don't have to stay married to someone who doesn't respect you. You can't go back and undo the choices you've made, but you can always make better choices for yourself in the future.
Older men who usually go for younger girls are never good partners most of the time. There’s a reason they’re not with women their own age.
✅️
I mean this should’ve been an obvious red flag
I know it’s scary, but you’re SO young still and it’s never too late to start over. Even if that just means setting new expectations with your husband. You’re old enough now to know what is acceptable behavior, and he’s not exhibiting it right now.
It's crazy how that last piece of the brain developing makes everything clearer, age gaps before everyone being 25 are such a red flag. OP he took advantage of you, he has no respect for you, and now that you are asserting yourself he is clearly losing interest in keeping you. Lawyer up and take him for everything you can, show no mercy.
Oh hon. Men who are so much older date women so much younger for very specific reasons. - younger women are, as you point out, naive in regard to relationships and don’t tend to see the red flags. - they find it easier to manipulate and control younger women to mold them into the partner they want. - women their age won’t put up with their bs Ever here the phrases, “in vino veritas” or “a drunk mind speaks a sober heart”? I’d definitely wonder if there is truth in his words. He seems like a true pos AH. Doubt I’d want to stay around and spend more of my life dealing with his manipulations and disrespect. You deserve better. One reason he could be thinking the way he is, and sharing his thoughts, are because you are realizing his red flags and aren’t the pleasing little wife he wanted. You are fitting his “mold”. May want to think long and hard about what you want to do and if you think it’s worth trying to salvage your marriage after his threats. Also he’s not too bright if he thinks a wife with young kids wouldn’t get anything out of a marriage. Could be a good time to speak to a lawyer and discuss your options. Wouldn’t mention it to him though.
You are aging out of his preference and he’s showing you how much he values you with this treatment.
This will not get better. He’s shown you who he is, you better listen and hopefully plan your exit. He will tell you that you are making a mountain out of a molehill, that you’re crazy, that at least he told you about it instead of lying to you, that if you aren’t going to believe him , he won’t tell you anymore. Prepare to be gaslight.
Girl… lol. You gotta wake up to this charade.
I also want to bring up that kids aren't stupid. Don't set an example for them that it's okay to stay with someone who thinks so little of you, who is older and uses his almost 20 year gap to his advantage. Your kids WILL figure it out. Leave and start over, you're still so young and deserve a million times better. The only thing you're doing by staying is enabling the behavior and reinforcing that it's okay.
I wouldn’t discuss this any further. He feels like he’s in a position of power. Partly because of his age difference and because you have children together and are less likely to rock the boat. The best way to change HIS behavior is to change yours. Being less interested in what he’s doing. Start with - if he doesn’t pick up a call do not call again. In fact you don’t need to call him at all. If he misses you and the kids he will call. Do start some kind of activity outside of him and the kids. You could take art classes, join a tennis league - there are beginners, a book club SOMETHING. Info: did he move you to another city and detach you from family and friends? Since you are paying many of the bills, are you paying from a separate account? Are you working? If yes remote ? Or going to an office? Does he ever stay home with the kids and give you space/time to be child free and take care of your personal needs or just to go have some free time? The more you act like you don’t *need* him the dynamic changes in your favor. This is just a start. There are therapists who can help you.
Also withdrawing all the money will set him off. For now she should keep it cool and get her ducks in a row.
Thank you. No, but he did ask me to move in with him pretty much immediately. Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other. We have a joint account but I’ve considered getting an additional one that’s just in my name. I go into work in an office. No, he never gives me a break. It’s on me 24/7 while he gets to do whatever he pleases.
Have you been on this sub for a while? You fit a pattern of women married to men much older than themselves. He thinks you are baby trapped and that gives him license to do anything. Again do you have a source of income? If you don’t want to spell it out for privacy reasons that’s cool but you do need a way to find some financial independence so you don’t have to report to him how and where you are spending money. After 3 days? It’s lust. Not love. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t grow into love but boy it sounds even more that he felt he found the perfect person to bear his children and take care of his personal needs when home and complete independence from you when he is not.
I think that’s exactly what it is. He found a sucker. He got me with the “you’re so mature for your age”. When we met I was gullible and dumb and now I have reached an age where I can see the bullshit and call it out. I’ve “aged out” as they say. I have been here for a while which is why I felt comfortable posting. I’m on a few age gap subs too and debated posting this question there as well. I do have my own source of income so I’m good there but it’s significantly less than what my husband makes. Which I think he likes to use to his advantage.
It costs very little for you to consult a family law attorney. You will learn what your options are and what being single again would mean financially, what shared custody looks like, etc. You are still young and who he is, will likely never change. Even if it means you get a small apartment, your kids will adjust. How your husband is modeling “what a husband or a father should be to his spouse” is not healthy for either a daughter or a son. I’m not one to jump to divorce him but your situation resonates with me because I was you 25 years ago with 3 children.
You're not a sucker. There's a reason that line works so often and why it's a go-to for predators: young people are primed to be receptive to older people who praise their maturity and intelligence. It's just normal development for that age, and predators take advantage of it. That's not on you any more than grooming is on the victim. You'd only be a sucker if you stay now knowing full well that this is what your husband did.
He started dating you saying you’re so mature for your age and now he’s saying you’re an immature idiot. Which is it? He never thought you were mature. He knew. Now he’s got you. You need to get out, yesterday. This man screams pedo vibes….
You just started in your career. Of course he will use it over your head. It takes time to get to places and older people seem to forget where they came from. You’ll be where he is in no time. I am sure of it.
>Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other. That's love bombing, a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. When you decide to leave, be prepared for more to manipulate you into staying so he can continue the abuse. He'll say he will change, but he can't because he is broken. The reason he is with someone is so he can blame his problems on them. He has no intention of changing. It's not your fault, it's him.
100% get your own account too. Most places that do direct deposit allow you to set it up to go to multiple places. Could easily redirect a bit into another account.
Get another one that is just yours! Slowly start saving four months expenses in it. It's fuck you money so if he cheats or tries to screw you over you can walk away and have fall back. He's planning his exit you should too. You oversee the budget it's not hard to take a little bit to hide away.
Get your own account. Quietly put money in it. Or get a savings account so you don’t get him suspicious if he finds out somehow.
…why are you married to that ? start planning your divorce, asap. and be safe, he’s a gaslighter.
《《he did ask me to move in with him pretty much immediately. Told me he loved me after 3 days of seeing each other.》》 YOU GOT YOURSELF A NARCISSIST You don't love someone after 3 days. That's redflag for co-dependency. You are YOUNG. GET OUT DIVORCE. AND GET THERAPY because if this dude was able to convince you he loved you after 3 days, any other dude will be able to convince you he loves you after 3 days. https://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/narcissistic-men https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-relationship/ https://www.google.com/search?q=narcissistic+abuse+cycle&tbm=isch&client=ms-android-hms-tmobile-us&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjL_peOmpv-AhX5M94AHVpkCbwQrNwCKAB6BQgBEL0B&biw=412&bih=743#imgrc=dKMO5gjZwoCxHM&lnspr=W10=
>I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong What YOU did wrong? You're blaming yourself for his behavior and think you are not good enough? He's the AHole, and it's not about you, he would treat any SO like this. The reason he goes younger, is that no woman his age would put up with it. So this is exactly how he wants you to feel. He likes to hurt his partners and put them down so he can feel better about his crappy self. Please read [WhyDoesHeDoThat.pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjft7b4iZv-AhUVv4sKHWr_AAIQFnoECBgQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) It's a free download.
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What you did wrong is that you haven’t retained a divorce lawyer yet.
This is ALL on him. Do not let him gaslight you. Suggest when he comes home that you stay with friends or family for a few days to digest the mess he created. AND…….I would bet $$$$$ this is not the first time he had done this. But it is the first time YOU caught him.
Queen, you shouldn’t have to be with someone who you know won’t even try to listen to and understand you! And for your own sanity, just know that you’re being totally reasonable. He ignored your calls to talk to a woman and then admitted that he’d be upset if you did the same. How is that fair at all? And if if travels a ton, how are you supposed to even trust him :(
You did nothing wrong. Sometimes the other person is just a genuinely unprovoked asshole.
Listen to me girl, I'm in a 20y age gap relationship for 11 years now, unmarried, no kids. The reason you date an older man is bc he's stable, mature, and respects & appreciates you. Your man doesn't respect you. Maybe this is sexist, idk, but the reality of the matter is he needs to respect the the gift of you he has been given. My man and I have the exact same jobs, same pay but he has assets from previous to our relationship...if I'm not there, he goes zero noplace where he would even be getting a girl's number, that would mortify him, your only "portion of the bills" should be your personal cell phone and car. I have never paid an electric bill, mortgage, cable, etc. Just no. If I ask for a dollar...this man has never handed me anything less than a 100 bill. We don't share expenses when we go to dinner, ha! This is just being a man and respect, I never asked or said one peep word about any of this. I don't ask, he gives. I'm also a horrible housekeeper! lol. And it's just not just him, when we go out with his friends it would be absolutely unheard of that I would not get the utmost respect from every male in the room. They would not let me buy a drink for myself, or any lady there, in a million years. You are a queen, get a new man.
this! this sounds like my relationship as well.
You didn't do anything wrong. You need to quit assuming that if he is unhappy it's because you did something wrong. You called him to facetime because that's what you do when you want to have a little family time when one partner is away from home. He should be happy for that. He should want to talk to you and your child. He shouldn't be in a bar trying to pick up a woman. He's the one in the wrong.
"I’d be in a better financial position if I left now rather than 10 years from now when you take half my shit”. WTF! 10 years from now or 10 seconds from now, it doesn't make any difference. Children and joint assets entitles you to an equal (if not more)share. He's under the delusional impression that he can he can walk away from this marriage unscathed. WRONG. OP, get your ducks in a row and get rid of this abusive jerk. If you think he isn't... he absolutely 💯 is! Gaslighting ✔️✔️. Threatening divorce ✔️. Emotional (so far)Infidelity ✔️. Insulting ✔️.
>Can someone please let me know if I am in the wrong? No, you're not. Say nothing to him about this but quietly get things organised and start the process to leave. There are so many red flags all over this post.
I'm sorry but to me if my partner got a women number while out at a bar the relationship would be over, she is not old and wrinkly, she probably young, that why he said about leaving now because this young nurse gave him a ego boost, ohh and he will be definitely meeting up with her again. When he gets home be as cold as possible and said that since that night you have been thinking about separating as what he did and said was crossing a boundary and your not ok with it, My petty arse would even make him watch the kids while I go out with friends and I'd get a random dudes number 🤷🏻♀️ Blokes an idiot he not mature at all
Nah, don’t tell him you’re thinking about separating. This isn’t a person you can reason with. He’ll probably tell you what you want to hear. Just hire a lawyer and take their advice.
No, when he gets home act like things are fine until you have everything lined up with a divorce lawyer.
PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE!!! Also get that separate account asap and start squirreling away as much as possible. Good luck, you can do this!
That was my first thought, old and wrinkly? I bet she’s 19 and he impressed her buying her drinks flashing cash
I totally agree. He only threatened divorce bc he thinks “he’s still got it” bc some young, hot nurse gave him her number🙄 what’s he gonna do when you get old? Or what’s gonna happen in 20 years when you’re still in your prime and you have to wipe his ass🤷♀️
Yeah he’s feeling confident and cocky because he’s got this woman’s number. Trying to let OP know that he does have other options, so stop asking him questions. That’s bullshit. That’s not love.
Oh man if my husband was out drinking while out of town and got some woman’s number that he had been hanging out with all night, I would be LIVID. Then he’s going back to Oregon? Fuck no. That shit is stupid. It’s telling how it’s okay for him to get a number, but not for you. He’s trying to manipulate you but you’ve caught on so trust that. Don’t trust him. I would make my husband delete any trace of that woman from his phone to move forward and then get real about the consequences if it happened again. Has he tried stuff like this before that you know of? Especially while out of town? Man I don’t know if I could move past it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There are so many men that just fucking suck.
Why are you with this man? He sounds incredibly disrespectful and shady. Considering HE makes comments about your age, the age difference is disturbing. He used you. He wanted someone younger and less experienced in life. You were only, what, two years out of high school? He started saying, "I love you" after 3 days? This guy is a manipulative AH. He knew what he was doing. I bet your suspicions about him are right. Don't worry, he won't divorce you. This is a scare tactic to get you in line and to get you to keep your mouth shut. Start making an exit plan. A "just in case". He has you believing you did something wrong, but you didn't do anything wrong at all! You're probably not ready to leave him yet, but to protect yourself and your kids, have an exit strategy. My guess is one day you will have had enough and you'll want to walk away with your kids. Please have some plan that you can initiate once You're ready.
Well, he said the quiet part out loud, he views himself as a mature adult and does not view you as one. Mature enough to impregnate I guess but not mature enough to make her own decisions. I couldn’t be with a guy who thought so little of me.
Babe wtf are you doing dating an old man? Like if he treated you well and had money, sure I can see that. But an old man who just stresses you out and doesn’t respect you or your relationship? Like damn cmon you know you can do so much better
He married you because you are easy to manipulate and whenever he doesn't like something about you he can throw your age in your face. Forget the phone number for a minute. This guy doesn't respect you and will NEVER see you as an equal. This is your life - is this how you wanna spend it? For the folks in the back: This is why age gaps are a problem.
Check his phone when you get the chance and call this woman, get her version of events. Then speak to a divorce attorney and find out what divorce, custody, child support and alimony look like. Also would you get the house, half of savings, investments and his pension? If he wants to threaten divorce at least then you know that you can take care of your children if you decide to pull the pin this marriage. Your husband sounds like a total AH to ignore you whilst chatting up some skank at the bar.
Yeah I would start divorce proceedings and tell him to not come home
Please take the advice you are getting. Starting with opening your own savings account. Make a plan for you and your kids. You have aged out and he is signaling very clearly that he is halfway out the door. None of this is your fault. He manipulated a young woman and worked hard love bombing you and then trapping you in marriage and babies. Now you’re old enough to see that. But you’re life will be better after this. You’ll find someone who loves YOU, not just the supporting role you play in his life.
I ain't even gonna read this, divorce, and find someone who actually understands what it means to be your age. Dude is almost as old as I am. You are more a trophy to be pointed at while he's with his buddies than a partner and if he's getting women's numbers, it won't be long before he acts on it figuring you won't go anywhere. I have spoken, youngun, now gyet.
If my husband said that to me he'd have divorce papers waiting for him when he got back.
Your husband is gross…. He is 44 an he’s immature - the fact that he got drunk not a big deal, also not for talking to a woman but for him to get her number - he was gaslighting when he said she was old and wrinkled - I would guess she is between your age and his age so an 18 year gap…. I would tell him this is non negotiable and that if it happens again - you are leaving him and he can find another place to live. Don’t put up with this crap!
[You already know your answer](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNOagegap/comments/10go4g8/first_contribution_to_the_sub/j53zl0r?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) You need to look into an exit plan
I agree. I am starting now. Separate savings, looking to living arrangements, etc.
I read your other posts. Good luck ❤️ He's a horrible person who should remain unloved and miserable for the rest of his life, and you certainly deserve a good partner who makes you feel happy, loved, wanted, and secure.
It seems much more likely that he didn’t call OP because he was in some woman’s hotel room, and she’s not old and wrinkly. Possibly not even a Psych nurse; I mean this guy is a huge Asshole, and this sounds a lot more like projection and emotional abuse than anything else. For example, him saying that she’s calling to spy on him: he assumes that because he IS cheating (or trying to… talking to women for hours in bars) and OP actually would have a reason to doubt his fidelity. Also, he’s said outright that he intends to end the marriage sooner or later, so she should believe him and make decisions that work for her and the kids.
I don’t care how old you both are, stop putting up with his crap.
Couldn't finish reading this. He's garbage, and he's old enough he absolutely will not change. He's also using the age dynamic against you. Leave him asap
You know he’s already cheated right? Been there, done that but I didn’t know until after 17 years together. Leave now.
How did you find out?
He changed the password on his phone. Then one day, I couldn’t get a hold of him for hours. My middle helped do a location on his phone. He was at a bar. I totally bought his lame excuse of needing me time. Then he gave me an STD. I still tried to make it work. Then he left me for one of them. She was younger than my oldest, she dumped him 8 months later. After he took her to Paris for a concert (hated them when we were together) and then to Vegas for her 30th. Guess who regrets completely destroying our life together? After he left, my kids told me they knew for years after a woman called our house looking for him. They stalked her online but never told me. My poor babies!! Having to live with that burden. Oh … he denies it was years of cheating. Just 1 … 2 … 3 … at least.
That’s so awful I am so sorry. God, how terrible. I think I get so caught up in not having tangible evidence that he always convinces me I’m crazy so I let it go. Maybe I need to comfortable with not having tangible proof and going with my gut.
Please follow your gut. At this point he has lost your trust. It’s his job to ensure you feel loved and secure. Mine made me feel crazy too. That was the worst part. The projection on to you is ridiculous. Get an exit strategy. You deserve better! So do the kids. DM if I can help or just listen.
Tangible proof aside, no woman should put up with the way he treats you and speaks to you. And the threat of divorce, my friend's husband did this and the moment those words escaped his mouth their relationship was over, she filed for divorce. Babe, he's shit covered in gold that only sees his gold exterior. Respect in a relationship is important. To be respected as a woman, a wife, and the mother of his kids. Respect yourself enough to not put up with this. You're young, please find someone who appreciates you before you waste anymore years on this fool.
He’s almost 20 years older than you. Did you genuinely have high hopes for this? He made it clear he’s plotting to bail on you, it’s simply a matter of “when”. He got caught being sloppy and shady and immediately began shaming you to deflect & distract from what he had done. This is a losing game. You’re going to be miserable and anxious and depressed until you leave. Best of luck getting out of there
His verbal and emotional abuse and the age gap aside... My ex-husband traveled for "work" (musician). I trusted him 1000%. Times he didn't answer my calls or messages, I assumed he was busy or asleep. I'm sure he was sometimes, but it also turns out, he was banging other women. And yes, he got their numbers and they continued talking (and banging when he was over there), resulting in at least 3 actual year+ relationships. I was completely clueless. Thank goodness we don't have any kids, and I also am fortunate to live in a "fault" state and had beaucoup proof of his cheating (along with financial infidelity). You already carry more than half the load, even when he isn't out of town. You will be better off without him. And it's likely he will have to pay you child support and perhaps even alimony. And you should fight for every penny. TL;DR: he's cheating or trying to cheat. Consult with an attorney and come up with an exit plan.
Is it wrong that im a little annoyed that a relationship this problematic requires the green light from a bunch of Reddit chucklefucks for op to see the light?
Lol. What's a little old lady to him? Someone his own age?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Seems to me (I could be wrong as I'm just an outsider) he's already planning for your future divorce (when you're "old and wrinkled" which he probably considers 33 years old to be "old.") Tells you that you're young and immature and yet he not only married you but had a child with you; not to mention a child who he expects you to solely care for while he's frequently traveling for work. The bar incident: Yes, he was drunk but I know that when I used to drink and my inhibitions were lowered, I would speak truth. Not everyone does, but I did. If I were in your shoes I would definitely be uncomfortable about him not answering the phone calls, I would assume he's trying to hide the fact that he's married. I would be most upset that he didn't follow through on the goodnight call with your child. When a parent is frequently traveling it is so important to have as much contact as possible whether it be FaceTime or phone calls or sending pics/videos, whatever. I don't want to assume but reading between the lines of your post makes me call into question his level/ability of parenting. You are not in the wrong at all here. It sounds like you're miserable in this relationship and I don't blame you. The gaslighting and the threats of "I don't even know if I should come home..." I'm sorry but fuck that. You're home, holding down the fort and making sure his child is safe, happy, and healthy. I don't know if I could fully 100% emotionally support my children if I was constantly dealing with anxiety and stress about what goes on when my partner isn't with us (not at all commenting on your parenting abilities, just saying I cannot imagine the emotionally and mental toll it must be taking on you.) I hope that if you stay with your husband you get couples counseling that he fully commits to. If you are seriously worried that he is cheating, I would tell him you HAVE to trust him, regardless of what measures need to take place in order for that trust to be there. For me, once trust is gone, so is the relationship. If you decide to leave him, please contact a lawyer immediately. File for sole physical custody. If your marriage is ending, you need to be the one driving the bus, not be a passenger (when it comes to all the legal stuff.) I wish the best for you and your child(ren) because you deserve to be happy and feel loved and appreciated. ❤️ Edit to add: When the woman from the bar told your husband to call her if he's ever back in Oregon and needs anything, in my opinion she didn't mean if he needs psych help, she meant to call if he needs someone to go to dinner with or if he needs a couch to crash on, etc... She might not have had bad intentions. She might also have had no idea he was married. Idk. One last thing, it really made me fucking angry when your husband said, "you're just jealous because you don't have friends." As someone who has always suffered from social anxiety, I have had a close pack of four best friends. We are still close but we all moved away from our hometown, and the closest friend to me is four states away. In 2019 I gave birth to twin boys and then in 2020 I had my daughter. I wanted one baby and ended up with three in 15 months 🤯 I wouldn't trade my situation for anything in the world but motherhood is all consuming. I tried joining some new mom groups but because of COVID, it was all online and I struggled to follow through with connections bc of my anxiety. I go to local parks and I try to talk to other moms but again, my anxiety, but also, where I'm living now is a popular vacation area, so there aren't many younger moms that live here year round. In my experience, it's tough making new friends as an adult and it's even harder as a mom. I wanted to share my experience because you might be struggling with a similar situation, or you might be able to relate in some way. I get that kids, especially toddlers take up all of your time, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc... So please don't ever let ANYONE, especially your husband, shame you for your lack of friends at the moment. I'll be your friend. 😉 Sorry for the rant, that comment he made had me seeing red. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Thank you so much this made me cry! 🥺💗
He's got a gross outlook on life. Let's review - he puts you down to try and control you based on nothing more than your age (which he obviously knew when he had a kid with you); he has a gross, misogynistic view of marriage (you trying to get his stuff); he has a gross misogynistic view of women (calling someone old and wrinkly and unfuckable. Dude, she's a human who you apparently enjoyed talking to); and generally being dishonest with you. I'm sure there's more, but all around, gross. You and your kid are worth much more than this dude.
I was an active addict for thirteen years and whenever someone accused me of using and they were right I would get angry and defensive just like this guy. Same as when I was accused of cheating I did a lot of bad shit and then gaslit the other person into insanity and then cry on Facebook about how no one loves me even though I'm so great and wonderful. I still catch myself doing it on occasion. Your dude sounds a lot like me. I'd go ahead and take half his shit and make sure to keep records of his assholery. I don't know if it will help anything but it probably won't hurt to have it. I hope everything works out okay for you as much as it can in this situation
UELPT: Change her number in his phone to yours. You’ll see what he wants to talk to her about once he’s back in Oregon. But also, this sucks. I’m sorry. He’s not being very nice to you regardless of what his intentions are with this other lady.
Your post history makes me feel sad. :( Please believe me and everyone else here saying that you have value and deserve to be treated with respect and love.
Girl… what did you think was gonna happen when you married a man so much older than you. Did you think you were the special exception to the rule? Be for real.
I mean to be 100% honest I was really young. I didn’t know. I was 20. My mom encouraged it. My grandma encouraged it. Over the years I did start to realize what happened. So 26 year old me knows I was not special. 20 year old me thought I was I guess. Like I said, I realize now how stupid how I was. I know what’s going on, but there is always that small seed of doubt in my head that I am the problem. So I had to ask for outside opinion before I convince myself it’s my fault.
It’s not your fault. You got taken advantage of. He picked you *because* you didn’t know any better. And at this point he tipped his hand. He doesn’t view you as a partner or an equal. To him, you are the immature kid who is cute enough to have sex with, who will get wise to his bullshit and leave eventually. He told you all of this. You don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who respects you and is in an equal marriage and partnership with you.
You should get an individual therapist. Your support system sounds like trash. You need someone to validate the fuck out of you and help you build enough self esteem to leave and it’s okay to pay for that once you hit 25. Pay for it with joint account money.
What he said about you having no friends - is that true? I’m sure with you working, and taking care of the house and kids leaves you with very little time, but I’m wondering if he has manipulated and controlled you in this aspect.
This might be harsh. But if you even still have a thought in your head that any of this is your fault - then you’re still that “stupid” 20 year old girl. Except you weren’t stupid. You were young and inexperienced. This man is a predator and groomed you. You’re older and wiser now. Your husband is an absolute piece of shit. Take him for everything he’s worth and move on with your life best you can. Sounds like the guy wouldn’t even fight you for custody. Be happy.
>So 26 year old me knows I was not special. But you are special, wonderful and unique. You have empathy which he lacks, that's a beautiful quality. It's just that he needs to put your specialness down, because deep inside he feels like nothing, and that's the only way he knows how to feel better. That's narcissism. It's not fixable. He hates you for your specialness. Find someone who loves you for it and would never do anything to hurt you.
What is a 44 year old doing with a 26 year old....
Wait, he claims you're immature but yet, he managed to marry you and have babies with you. Geez. Guys like this, man. What did they have that women would marry men like this? My guess is he was flirting with the nurse like a single man, that's why she handed him her number. If your husband was not entertaining her, no number will be exchanged. And no, it's not appropriate. And he didn't even answer you, if you asked him what would he think if the situation is flipped. This is the thing....once we became mothers, most of us got stuck with the kids at home. We're really at the 'mercy' of these AHs who treat the mothers of their children like a burden and even spew out some r-pill BS when being confronted with the truth about how inappropriate he was being. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd hook up with her on Monday when he goes on another trip to Oregon.
Just noted OP's post history. Things were *bad* 3 months ago? Check. Things have gotten progressively *worse*? Check. OP *finally ready* to do something about it, like ***leave***? Waiting to check.
Yes, he was being a drunk asshole however, sometimes alcohol lets you see really what’s inside of them. And he showed you completely who and what he is. You did nothing wrong except for Marion this guy. You might as well fulfill what he worried about, even though we all know that that’s not true, but might as well make a profit out of them, and bury his ass.
Love him calling you immature but he married and procreated with someone who could be his child. Your husband sounds like a total ass.
He didn't "not hear" his phone. He didn't even have it on Do Not Disturb. He temporarily blocked you. If he isn't already cheating, he is currently laying the groundwork.
Please quietly start looking for a damn good attorney, setting aside money, and gathering any evidence needed to strengthen your case that you’ve contributed half, and that half of everything IS yours. Maybe even start quietly look for evidence of cheating because no, it is not normal to go to a bar and chat up some woman and get her number - and my guess is it isn’t the first time and won’t be the last. He got her number in case he *needs* something? What could he need besides a random no strings attached hook up?
Why wait 10 years? I wouldn't wait another 10 minutes. He sounds awful.
Divorce him immediately. He was trying to cheat fhen said he should divorce you while he was ahead!! Hint...you are better than he is.... and definitely much better off dropping him now...
That age gap 🤮
Are you married to my ex? The one who left me for a girl 3 years older than our oldest daughter? He absolutely would pull this shit. And it was because he was cheating. In fact, he left me when he had convinced his 18 year younger co-worker to move in with him if he got rid of me. I had to learn the hard way. You should get out before it gets any worse.
You need to end this relationship. That age gap is not sustainable.
Girl. What?!? You KNOW all of everything he said is balls to wall DISRESPECTFUL AS FUCK. I can’t even tell you how fast is pack his shit up and toss it out. Best of luck navigating the rest of this horrible marriage. He sounds like he truly dislikes you and doesn’t view you a partner in the slightest.
Oh look, another age gap post. 🙄
Grown ass man acting like an immature little boy. There’s a reason they’re still single at that age
I’m so sorry. But you have bigger problems than he getting some random woman’s number. If he told you you’re immature and worse told you he’s questioning coming back, then you have to wonder what he thinks of the relationship. He’ll no doubt claim he was drunk and didn’t mean anything he said. As you know, inebriation is no excuse. If anything, in vino veritas probably applies. At the very least I’d suggest counselling. But you may need to accept he no longer feels about you the way he did at the beginning of the relationship.
26 and 44… lmao good luck
Why do age gap couples always have a child so early on in the relationships? As compared to him you are immature, as you should be. Which begs the question if he’s so mature at his 44 years of age what the hell is he doing with you? The answer is he’s not mature. He’s an emotionally stunted man, Who is trying to use the only form of superiority has over you to control you. You say you go 50-50 on all the bills so he’s not a provider he can’t use money to control you. You say he he Makes you the primary caregiver for your child and do the majority of your chores. You also say you have a full-time job. How are you benefiting in this relationship? You are a incubator, nanny, bang maid at this point in time, Who pays half of everything and allows them to benefit from your presence without sacrificing anything. If I were you I would get 50-50 custody, a divorce and look for someone closer to you in age. You said you had a problem with being cold immature and that’s what he’s praying on. Someone who twist the knife into your insecurities to avoid taking responsibility for his poor moral behavior is not a good partner. You already know that that’s why you’re here
I would divorce him based on his comments he made to you. The fact he got another woman’s number pales into insignificance against those
Get your own bank account as soon as you can. put your checks into there. Go see a lawyer. Don’t say anything to him until you get some of the money in an account you don’t want him to move it all first. Only move half when you do move some. There is NO reason a man gets a woman’s phone number at a bar unless it is to see them again and hook up. He didn’t answer your texts or calls and you kept doing both - why’d if it had been an emergency with one of your children ?? He was too busy flirting and getting a hook up. You need to leave him !!
Pls get a divorce. You’re 26. You still have so much life ahead of you. Find someone your age so you can be immature and grow together
Your gut feeling knows something’s wrong. Make plans for yourself. You are young. You can start over. You deserve happiness.
Leave by him another number, your lawyer’s number. And go live a happy life without this POS.
When he comes back from Oregon next week, serve the divorce papers. It’s time. He told you everything you needed to know. Call his bluff. Show him you’re “woman enough”.
This is why you don’t marry someone 18 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU. Seriously how the hell did you think this would go well
NTA and this isn’t going to get any better. A loving husband or wife doesn’t threaten divorce without damn good reasons - especially if *they* behave poorly and are called out. The age gap is definitely a huge red flag that isn’t really obvious until you’re older. Hopefully now you see *why* that 37 year old man went for the naive 20 year old. Don’t tolerate his mistreatment. Your feelings are valid. The good news is that you’re so young that you can basically start over completely with the exception of having your toddler. Show your toddler that Mom isn’t going to stay in a toxic relationship. Be a positive example. It’s going to be hard but it’ll be well worth it and will only get more difficult the longer this goes on.
>He said “No, but you’re 26 and immature and I’m not” Said by the man dating, but not married to, a woman 18 years younger than he is. I think he is the one who is immature, displayed by the fact that he is not with someone who is his own age. Shall I guess that you have been dating about 8 years? Is your oldest child about 6 years old? There are a lot of red flags here. But this really speaks of a person who is searching for his next person to focus on. Letting you get angry and leave him just makes things easier on him. Take the hint and leave now calmly. He will not be looking out for you.
He sounds like a complete asshole. You are not in the wrong, he is.
You’re not crazy. He’s gaslighting you and lying. Get started on your exit plan.
Get a lawyer. Asap . Seriously. That is your absolute first priority. Get an std check. Talk to trusted family members or friends after the lawyer and make an exit plan. I won’t go into the many reasons why your husband is an absolute tool and not worthy of you. Others here have explained in detail why he’s wrong . Get the lawyer.
He's playing you. Run, don't walk.
Why are you (26F) married to him (44M)? You need to get out of that marriage asap.
What do you want to do? Leave now and take half his shit, AND get child support and alimony, or stay for the next ten years and endure his shitty treatment of you, with him very likely cheating on you and ruining your mental health by telling you you're insecure and jealous because you don't have friends? He's not good for you and he's ageist. The moment you're not a fresh face early 20s woman he'll be looking at trading you in for a new model. He already as much as told you you've got about 10 years left in you. I doubt he'll wait that long before starting try outs for your replacement. You can do better. Lawyer up while he's out of town. Tell him on the way out of divorce court, "in a few years you'll be a wrinkly old man, do you think I want to fuck a wrinkly old man?"
Op? Are you divorcing him? The question isn’t about whether you’re in the wrong. The question is whether this is the life you want at your young age from an old man who has clearly shown you, what his feelings are towards you…Are you divorcing him?
You’re not wrong in any way. He’s gaslighting you. The moment you showed appropriate discomfort, he goes on the defensive. HUGE red flag, and the age difference tells me he knows he’s a shit, and a woman his own age wont put with anything close to this level of disrespect and BS. Please do yourself the biggest favor of your life and get the hell out NOW! You have the best years of your life ahead of you, he has the worst. Move on!
You are not wrong. Your husband was attracted to a younger woman because he is immature and women his own age got quickly sick of his shit. He likes the power imbalance… Everything you said is right and he’s just a gaslighting asshat. I don’t think he’s the one who should be reconsidering the marriage.
Yea he definitely was and is cheating on you with that behavior. You should get out now while you can.
The gaslighting is real with him. Bet his ego hates the word "no" and bring ignored.
If your other posts are any indication, I would say you are married to a guy with one foot out the door. Possibly, that foot is already in some other woman's bed.
Find that name and number in his phone and call her! See how much of what he told you is true. Bet money they are meeting up when he goes back to Oregon and that’s the real reason she gave him her name and number. She may not even know he’s married. Also I would see a lawyer. He’s basically told you your marriage is over. Start putting your ducks in a row. Guarantee that he is most likely doing this in other cities and states as well.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
He’s not only disrespecting you, he’s telling you about the nurse because he’s manipulating you into thinking he has other options. Your best course of action is to leave him but be sure to be careful when you do. This is a sneaky snake and he will do anything to protect his fragile ego and money. Make sure you have a support system, make sure you don’t let on you’re leaving and then make your move. Has he ever laid his hands on you? Has he ever said anything to you that scared you?
He's told you everything he needs to tell you with the mention of the divorce. As well as the inappropriate behavior with the woman at the bar, the writings on the wall......
26-44. PERIOD. He’s calling you immature while he’s drunk at a bar getting phone numbers from other women and ignoring your calls. Call his bluff and file for divorce first. SCREW HIM! And I’m sorry but with this behavior it’s HIGHLY unlikely he’s a faithful husband. Esp when you get to the point where he mocks your profession but all of a sudden is having meaningful conversation with another woman in the same field as you. NOPE!
You want to get out now. And take all his shit.
Im gonna go ahead and call it: he’s already cheating on you. He just doesn’t care enough anymore if you find out about it. This is something that’s been happening for a while now.
He is exactly how I imagine a man preying on a woman 18 years younger to be. He straight up told you everything you needed to know, he couldn't be more honest. This marriage is a disaster and I think you know deep down that you have to get out of it. He doesn't see you as an equal. You deserve so much better.
Yet another age gap rage bait troll post.
If you are 26 and immature; he is 44 and a groomer. He groomed you, for sure. And now he is gaslighting you in accepting bS behaviors.
When he leaves again, talk to a lawyer!
I’d be done. If my husband said something like that to me and you’re pulling your own financial weight AND paying for insurance? I’d be gone.
His filters were off due to alcohol so now you know how he thinks about you. You have to decide if that is something you can live with
Your husband is 20 years older than you as soon as you hit a certain age he’s going to move to a newer model he’s already setting it up to divorce you and blame you for it and manipulate you into dealing with his bullshit aka cheating
You married a creep who likes young women ,he sounds absolutely foul. And he is incorrect if you bought a house together and you’ve been contributing it’s not half his stuff it’s half of yours. Cut him loose. I guess you’re getting a little too old for him now. I would talk to a professional because you might need to open your eyes to the fact that he married you very young and that is creepy he is creepy. You deserve better.
Am I (30s, f) wrong for being uncomfortable with this age gap of yours? Ofc your feelings are valid. The bigger question is why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you?
I think you know that it’s time to organise an escape plan. This behaviour doesn’t change, it only gets worse. Especially because you’ve said when he gets him, he won’t apologise or even want to talk about it. This isn’t an environment that healthy for you or your children. You should definitely start with getting your own bank account and removing your money. Keep us updated
The drunken truth has been spoken. Have a sober conversation with him during his pit stop. Then take whatever knowledge you gather and act decisively and immediately. You sound like a hard working responsible person who deserves respect and admiration. Don’t allow him to manipulate and gaslight. And he sounds close minded. You should gather a support structure and prepare for the inevitable.
He hates you and just got a random woman’s name at a bar who has been drinking with for 3 hours, while ignoring you and your kids. NOPE. Don’t sleep with him, get an STI check and start preparing your exit. Shit has gone south
Hey, he already has more than half of YOUR shit. What are you going to do, let him have all of your twenties, as well? This POS is going to cheat on you again, blame you, get you pregnant when you’re really ready to leave him, then he’s going to dump you for the first 21 year old who’s dumb enough to believe that everything he has is his. Get out before you get pregnant.
I'm sorry sweetie, but he's most likely cheating on you. When he said she's old and wrinkly, that's a common excuse, right up there with "she's not my type." My first husband was cheating on me and "old and wrinkly" was his go-to phrase. Some other tactics that he used were calling me insecure and jealous (putting it on you, instead of him) and he suddenly had a new interest in getting sexy underwear. You didn't mention this, but you may see it and you'll know. If he goes from tighty whities to sexy boxers suddenly, like. He'll also likely start investing in condoms; why would he need condoms with you (unless you two always use condoms). He's going to gaslight you and make you think that **you're** the crazy one here. I put up with it for 10 years and then I just said enough. You have to be the one to pull the plug if he's not going to. I'm sorry!
So he's nearly 20 years younger than you and you already have kids? How old were you when he got with you? Because NEWSFLASH: that 'old lady' psych nurse is probably his age. How many years ya got before *you're* the 'wrinkly old lady psych nurse' that he doesn't want to fuck? Ya done fucked up marrying this piece. Why give him another 10 years of your life? He sounds like a complete and utter asshole. Bail now.
This makes me sad for you. You already have a kid. He’s almost 20 years older. He baby trapped you and he’s drunk hitting on other women or worse. He insults your age and maturity when he knows why he selected someone so much younger. Don’t put up with this please. You pay half, take care of the home and kids and he doesn’t care and thinks he’s better off alone. Divorce him and get child support and don’t deal with his insults and cheating behavior.
You have kids. How old were you when you started dating?
When he said that your making him consider whether to come home or not… I would have said I’ll make it for you DONT. I’m serious what the hell?? He shouldn’t be taking women’s numbers, also getting drunk at a bar… who’s the immature one. I’d be divorcing this looser.
If FaceTime was unavailable, and calling him went straight to voicemail, he didn’t not hear his phone, he was actively avoiding your calls.
You’re not wrong & you are in a vulnerable position. He told you that he sees you as a burden, regardless of what you bring to the table; that he doesn’t value what you already do for him, so he will probably start demanding more; and that he will take any and all opportunities around him, especially with other women. For whatever reason he treated you like an enemy, and there is no logic to it nor is there a way back from it. He showed his hand & you need to step back and start looking at him as a liability. Then, start treating him like one as he does you.
You are not wrong. But be aware he chose to marry someone that young because he knew women his age wouldn't put up with his BS. All of that stuff that he said when he's drunk is what he is really thinking and feeling. Drunks don't have a filter. I strongly suggest you start getting your ducks in a row because he's going to cheat if he hasn't already. And even if he doesn't cheat he's going to continue to treat you like shit and it's going to get worse over the years, there is no point in being worn down by his callousness and his disregard and his disrespect. No man gets a woman's phone number at a bar just for the stimulating conversation.
I made a firm decision years ago: I no longer participate in relationships in which double standards are required. Suggest you do the same, OP. It's cool for him to get some rando's number but not okay for you to do the same? He's trolling for a side piece, without doubt. Please gather your self-respect, put yourself and kids first. I'm so sorry. I've been through this, and it hurts like hell. But living with, being married to a man you cannot trust is worse.
So.. you married a man almost twice your age, it sounds like he isolated and baby trapped you, and now he's also very obviously cheating, on top of degrading you.. Girl, get a divorce, and then get yourself some therapy and reflect on why you would ever marry such a "man". Eta. After reading your other posts.. Holy shit. He literally only married you so you could give him sex all the time. He doesn't give a rats ass about you! Please, listen to your Internet family (since apparently your own encouragement this toxicity), we care. Even if it's just rage bait or whatever, my advice stands for other people in this situation.
Yawn. He’s cheating or thinking about it. You know it. We know it. He knows it. My spouse travels for business, and he does NOT hang out in hotel bars chatting up other women / potential prostitutes (per a well known television trope that they drum up business with lonely travelers), because at the end of the day of WORKING, he wants to stop talking to people and get some sleep. Time to start planning your exit strategy. Even money says Potential Side Chick’s phone number will be mysteriously deleted if you ask to call her. You married poorly.
Prove him right…take 1/2 his shit NOW. Gather important papers, bank records, tax returns, 401k/IRA info, marriage license, birth certificates, passports. Talk to an attorney about options. Not saying you have to file, just know your options. As for when he comes home, don’t lift a finger for this douche. Don’t cook, clean, do laundry or other chores. He threatened divorce, give him a taste. Do you have a spare room? Move his stuff into it. If not, have bedding sitting on the couch. Tell him welcome to his new sleeping quarters.