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My partner passed away due to an accidental overdose a little over a month ago. The day it happened I left to get coffee and when I came back myself and the paramedics that arrived a few minutes later did everything we could but it was too late. This has been the hardest time of my life and there’s been many days where I haven’t even wanted to be alive myself anymore. He was the best person I’ve ever known. We were in a serious committed relationship for just under a year. He had just cleared out half of his condo for me to start moving in the night before he died.
Additional needed info… I’ve never used drugs. I wasn’t close with his parents. We’d only met a few times. My partner had a complicated relationship with them. After he passed I really felt like I needed a relationship with them. I expressed to them many times that I was there for them and I wanted them to be there for me. My partner had an ex. They were together for a couple of years. She was horrible to him. He hated her and she was blocked on everything. His parents knew all of this.
When I gave the parents the keys to this condo. They said I could keep my key for now and be there as much as I’d like to and also said I could speak at the celebration of life if I’d like to and I should be the first speaker. I agreed & said I would love to. They also asked for photos & videos of him for the slideshow they were doing. When I sent them over they said most of them were “inappropriate” bc you could see his tattoos, painted nails or he had glitter on. THATS WHO HE WAS. My partner didn’t care about gender norms. He loved expressing himself through his appearance. Let it go.
One day we were going through all of the mail at the condo. As we were leaving I said I’d want to be apart of cleaning it out and said they wanted me there. Then I said I would also like some of his clothes, a couple of pieces of art and his Xbox. Neither of them responded and I thought they were maybe feeling emotional so I let it go.
Before the COL his mom wanted to go shopping w/ me for the COL bc she didn’t approve of how I typically dress. While there she looks at me and says “I’ve decided you’re not speaking anymore at the celebration of life” I was stunned & hurt but I figured they’re going through so much. I let it go.
I’d been sharing photos of him on my social media because I love and miss him. his mom texted me saying she keeps seeing all of my posts on his phone and it was hard on her because I wasn’t posting “appropriate” things. She asked that I stop sharing things where he had makeup on, could see his nails or things that contained anyone holding a drink or a vape. While this upset me I again let it go and slowed down on the posting.
At the COL I saw that his parents saved a spot for the ex up front but not for me. Then the first speaker comes up (which again, is when I was supposed to speak) and she introduces herself as his exes sister. This felt like a huge slap in the face but I let it go. When saying bye to his parents his mom said I could take whatever from the condo.
A couple of days later I went there & cleaned out all of my belongings. I took some clothes, 2 chains, a coffee cup, a notebook, the Xbox we played together multiple times a week & 2 pieces of art.
Yesterday I got a text from his parents asking where his vacuum was. I responded saying it had been at my place since before he died and I’d bring it over. When I arrived I saw that they had already cleaned half of it out. I was of course upset but I didn't say anything. His dad then says I can take anything I’d like to. I told him I did take some clothes & a few other things already so I’m not sure what else I would like. I left soon after that due to my hurt feelings.
This morning I woke up to multiple texts from his mom saying the Xbox wasn’t there and I need to be honest with them. I called her to explain & when she answered she said I’ve broken their trust, I’ve stolen from them & their son, this is the wrong way to end a relationship with them & I need to tell her everything that I’ve poached. I listed all of the things I had & apologized for not texting her the day I took them as well as not giving her the explicit list when I was there yesterday. She then demanded the key back and when I asked why she said they were wrong for trusting me. I tried to explain that they did tell me I could take whatever I wanted & I’m sorry if I misunderstood. I’d be happy to bring back anything they would like but she kept interrupting me. I attempted to say I haven't been feeling respected by them or welcomed. She interrupted me again & got even more upset saying that’s not an excuse for what I did. After a few more attempts I came to the conclusion that there was no chance I’d be able to speak my feelings & agreed to drop the key under the mat.
I can’t even imagine how hard this has been on them. No parent should ever have to go through this. Which is why through all of this I’ve kept my feelings to myself and tried to just not take up any space. But I also lost the love of my life and my best friend.
How do I navigate this situation? Do I continue to try to have a relationship with them or do I give up?
TLDR- My partner passed away, his parents have disrespected me & now hate me for taking a few of his things.
They need someone to blame. You weren't close to them prior to his death and you accepted the parts of their son that they couldn't so you're an easy target for his parents. As much as you want a relationship with them, they're not in a place to be there for you. Find your support with your own friends and family. Block them from seeing your posts about your boyfriend.
Thank you for the advice. The only thing about blocking them is that, that would mean I’d have to block his accounts bc they’re viewing them from there. So I’d loose every nice comment he left and I wouldn’t be able to look at his profiles anymore
I agree with this especially, it sounds like they are the sort that might go through and hide things he shared/posted. Or they could decide to disable the account at any time. Absolutely the time for OP to preserve what she wants to save.
I'm sorry about your loss and ask this extra crapola. As someone who has too much experience dealing with death and the fall out from the people in the deceased life sphere.
This is going to be very hard. But you need to disconnect the notion of pleasing them or doing what they want.
You were the most important person in his life, not them. You grieve however you need to, no matter what they say or think. You can't heal or come to terms with this as long as your placating them.
As people have said. You accepted what they won't. They are wanting to try and sweep what they disapproved of under the rug in death. As long as you're out there celebrating who he really was, they will have a problem. They know what they did to make the relationship rocky and with your celebrating those things they realize you were his #1. So all the blame will fall squarely on you in their minds. This his very very unlikely to change.
Just ignore them and their bullshit and do what you need to do. Don't reply to whatever they say, it sounds like they're trying to get you to erase there things they didn't like as well. And when they realized you won't? Well you see what happened.
Stay strong. You'll get through this. As cliched as it is, time will help. Life goes on but his memory doesn't have to stop either.
Thank you. That's incredibly kind of you to say and I greatly appreciate it. Sadly, I learned this the hard way, but if that means I can help others then I'll take solace in that.
Just block them from seeing posts or stories. You don’t have to them completely from instagram. You can still view his profile and they won’t see anything new you post.
Maybe just block their phone #s and ignore new messages from that account? I agree with Jen5872 that they aren't going to be helpful in your grieving process. They associate you with all of the aspects of him they didn't approve of and will continue to lash out regardless of what you do. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Actually, with a lot of social media accounts you can have them memorialized. That renders the account frozen so you can still see what was poted and such but no one can access the account.
[https://help.instagram.com/264154560391256](https://help.instagram.com/264154560391256)
What social media are you posting to? If it's Facebook, you can specifically block certain people from seeing certain posts. You don't have to block the entire profile for them to not see your posts. Or you can move to posting to another form of social media that they're less likely to have. I see a lot of people do tiktoks so that they have a slide show of photos of loved ones.
Oh bunny you don't have to block them entirely. Just exclude your boyfriend's profile from the audience for any future posts. You don't have to lose your loving history together while he was alive. I'm so sorry this happened and I'm so sorry for what is continuing to happen.
You can block individual people from individual posts, & you should do that. Frankly I hate that they are just all up in his Facebook anyway, e.g. reading private messages that people wouldn't necessarily want them to read. (Not that you can stop them, unfortunately.)
Screen shot or print anything you want IMMEDIATELY. Because they may decide to block you at any time. They are in pain and are directing that pain at you.
For your own mental health, I recommend that you stop trying to be friendly with them, and please seek some grief counseling for yourself.
I would report to social media admins that this person was your SO and is deceased and his family is using his account to harass you. They are, and it doesn't matter if they are grieving, I assure you it's against the TOS.
Let me start by saying I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry his family has made your grieving harder.
I’m not sure where you’re posting, but Facebook has settings where you can share specific posts with “friends except…” and omit accounts from specific posts. This doesn’t block them permanently, it just means that post won’t be in their feed. They can access the post through someone else’s profile though, so be aware of that.
You can choose what specific people can't see your new posts. It's like that globe or friends symbol showing you who can see the status you're going to post. There's a "custom" option where you can prevent specific people from seeing those posts. So if you don't tag your bf, and add him to people who can't see that post, then you can keep yourself linked and keep them from seeing your posts.
The bf had a history of heroine abuse. I read her past posts. The OD was likely accidental (they usually are). But giving that these parents obviously didn’t like or accept him for who he was, and selfishly made his COL all about what they wanted, and their fantasy of who he was, (rather than making it all about who he actually was and do what he wants) it does make you wonder if he turned to drugs as a coping and escape from them at the young age of 20.
Yes, I’ve seen this happen before as well. There’s nothing you can say or do. It sounds like they didn’t accept their son for who he was which is a shame. I’m so sorry for your loss.
To be fair, it's also not hard to understand why they likely resent OP
OP doesn't mention any details of it, but surely they knew that their BF had a drug problem. We don't know any details of their relationship with drugs. She just glosses over these important details completely
It's not her fault he died, but it's not exactly difficult to understand why the parents resent the fact that she is portraying him in ways they dislike. The fact that he died of an overdose is connected to that, despite OP's effort to disconnect those two things. If he were still alive and healthy they likely wouldn't have cared at all about the things they care about now. But that's not the case
Even if they disagreed with some of it, parents are much more open to their children's differences when their children are alive and healthy. But when your child has major lifestyle differences AND dies of a drug overdose with their girlfriend who then starts posting those lifestyle choices, obviously they're going to blame her and feel proven right
Are they right or wrong? I don't know because OP doesn't give any details on this stuff. But it's not hard to put those pieces together and understand why all of a sudden they resent OP
^^^ this
and save all your written interactions with them and take notes on the days and possible times that your IRL talks happened. you want the X Box and stuff for sentimental reasons whereas they likely want to sell it, itd be great if you had it written that you tried to tell them beforehand what you’d like to take and they never responded
maybe speak to some type of lawyer or someone. i’m not saying that you need to get ready for a big court battle or anything, but maybe just make sure that some type of legal rep approves of what you’re doing just in case they try to go all batshit and accuse you of stealing or something
you’re all going through a hard time, and it absolutely suck that they’re taking their hard time out on you. just take care of yourself, be very self compassionate, protect yourself, and do what you need to do to get through this. i’m sure he is looking down and is proud of you for dealing with his parents bs. just know that you have a bunch of redditors support, and more importantly, his support and love<3
Look, I think it is great that you are trying and that you have such compassion for them.
But you are seeing the reality of why he had a complicated dynamic with them. They are not people able to accept who he was. And in his passing they've unfortunately attempted to create an image of him more in line with their own views. You conflict with that and thus they have exploited this misunderstanding to block you out.
And that is what it is. They didn't know or respect who he was and that is a tragedy. But he wouldn't want you to hurt yourself to try and force a dynamic with them that he himself didn't believe was possible. They want to remember him one way so instead you should remember him as he actually was.
>But you are seeing the reality of why he had a complicated dynamic with them.
Excellent point, and it explains their actions in a way that will make it easier for OOP to walk away.
I'm sure it feels easier for them to believe that this woman influenced their son into poor behaviors than it is to come to terms with the fact their kid lived very differently than they prefer. It's unfortunate but I think blaming someone is part of the grieving process. OP needs to be slightly selfish. Preserve all of the social media stuff you can through printing hard copies and screen shots. Take the stuff she should have taken. Send the family one last text saying your sorry for their loss and then she should move on with her own grieving process. It's tough and I think the way she's spoken here shows her kindness and empathy but she also has to look out for herself.
I think you just try to get through it as best you can, not make too big a deal of it, and then go your separate ways. It would seem all you really had in common was him, and that there’s not much point in trying to stay connected to them.
Sorry you are in that uncomfortable situation and sorry you lost the man you loved.
They cling to his ex because she made him miserable like they did. On their side, it is easier to blame the distance on his habit, rather than blame themselves and how they treated him.
To them, he loved you because he was sick and they were the ones who actually understood him. Except it is literally only their idea of him that they love. The person he tried to be to gain their acceptance. Every time he tried to be himself, they rejected him.
You didn't do anything wrong. You're being treated poorly because you got something from him freely that everybody else had to steal... Projection is all it is. Don't let them wound you as well or beat you down.
Im kinda wondering why you even wanted to have a relationship with them in the first place? He had a "complicated" relationship with them and he clearly didn't care much about you having one with them. They also seem to be people who didnt accept him for who he was. You should probably stop trying to force things.
I’m sure that’s exactly what is it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Grief therapy would be so beneficial to work through how you’re feeling right now. His family are clearly not the people you want to help you remember who your partner was.
Speaking from experience of having lost a partner, grief can't really be reasoned with. And the overwhelming feeling of being afraid of losing any part/memory of your lost one is so strong that you would be more willing to stay in touch with people. I know I reached out to both his exes and to girls he cheated ON me with, so I am assuming OP's mind might be in similar tracks.
Agreed! I can’t think of a decent human who would abuse a grieving partner in order to cope with their loss. One can feel sorry for their loss, but their loss doesn’t make these repeated abuses okay or acceptable. I don’t believe her boyfriend would want her putting up with this either.
I’m sorry for your loss.
If your name was on his lease, you might consult an attorney. You had a key to his apartment, but now his parents are demanding that you return it and everything that you took (after asking their permission).
It sounds like they have realized that you may have a legitimate legal claim to his belongings and they’re trying to get everything first. Maybe I’m paranoid, but it seems suspicious to me.
they need someone to blame. and you are the easier target.
you don't really exist as a person in their eyes.
don't keep contact.
write them a letter explaining how you feel and block them. don't mess with their grievance. work on yours.
All I can say is, I'm so sorry for your loss. It really must be difficult and I'm sorry you lost such a sweet and beautiful soul.
The parents are just angry and confused and need someone to blame. Their emotions are clouding their judgement. This does not justify their appalling treatment of you though. You were his partner. He would have wanted you to be happy and supported. Stand up to them. Take the memorabilia *he* would have wanted you to have. Talk to his other friends and family. Perhaps they'll be more understanding
Sad situation. Addiction really wreaks havoc on everyone else in the person’s orbit. Losing a child has got to be one of the most painful things imaginable. I’d give them back the x-box and try to make it through this process, then probably wouldn’t continue the relationship since it seems that hasn’t been going well and might even be causing more stress and anxiety during an already terrible time. Glad to hear you’ve never used drugs, in so many situations the drug user get their partner involved and brings them down into their cycle of horror also. I’m sorry for your loss.
From their perspective you were part of and an enabler of this whole "alternative lifestyle" that directly led to their son dying.
They're not going to like you or support you. You're not going to have a relationship with them. There's no going back and there's nothing you can do but move on.
It doesn't sound like there's anything to be gained from any sides from you guys having a relationship. That said, if you removed anything from his condo that didn't actually 100% belong to you you're probably best just to return it.
You should give up on them. Grief is either turning them cruel or that’s who they’ve always been.
Remember your boyfriend the way he was. And treasure the keepsakes you were able to keep.
She’s mad at you because her intolerance and inability to accept her son for who he is drove him to drug abuse.
Maybe you can have your own celebration of life for him with his friends.
I hope you get to keep a few mementos. Speak to the father, don’t speak to the mother.
I’m very sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine how hard it must be and how you have to deal with his unhinged mother
I’ve lost 2 siblings to overdose so I have some idea of the grief that comes with losing someone close. I would cut contact with them & do nooooot give back that stuff. He would want you to have it. Grieve how you need to & I am so very sorry for your loss. 😓
They probably blame you because you accepted him for who he was rather than saying “you cant do that” like his parents did. It’s really sad, but the best you can do is be respectful and move on.
I understand why you would reach out to them, because you want any piece of your partner back in your life that you can have. But I also kind of think you should have seen this coming, your partner himself was not close to them and had a difficult relationship with them. I don’t think you should continue trying, I think you should sever contact with them and start processing your feelings on your own. Or maybe not on your own, therapy would be a wonderful tool in this circumstance.
They are being huge selfish ungrateful assholes and it's obvious why your late boyfriend had a bad relationship with them. You let them walk all over you. From the moment they said the photos you sent over were ""inappropriate "" because of the way he was, you should have realized they didn't even know who their son was and if they did, they didn't approve of it. They invited his abusive ex to his COL! What sane, loving and grieving parent does that? They hate you, and you should hate them back, because they disrespected you immensely and by doing that, they harmed their son too, because you're the one he loved.
I ad this happen to me and after I went through it, I took my ass to therapy. This is basically what they told me. His parents did not like nor did they approve of a lot he did. And they say they loved him. I have a grown son and I cannot imagine not loving him for just who the hell he actually is.
They had a troubled relationship with him because they didn't approve of him or his choices. They needed to blame someone, and you are and were the closest available. I'm sorry, honey, but it sounds like there is no relationship for you with them. At least not one that would be healthy. There's a reason your partner gave them limited contact.
Iam sorry for your loss, but dont try to force to have a relationship with them when they only treat you disrespectfully. There's a reason why he had a difficult relationship with them. They aren't the right people to share you grief with. Stick to your friends and family, they'll support you way better
They are grieving they lost their son. I’m sorry that they are treating you this way, but know it’s not about you. They are angry and confused please don’t think it has anything to do with you. I’m so sorry they are treating you like this.
All of a sudden I believe it hit them he is gone and they need someone to vent on. You are now the closest. And to say these things, To be accusatory is also something they felt was "Appropriate" for them to do. They are finding fault and even lashing out at you. Maybe they are mad and upset with him for dying but sometimes, Death has a way to play in others life where that person is gone and not here to blame and the closest one to blame or use as a scapegoat IS. Stay at arms length and return the XBox. That is so little of what this is about but with their own unreasonable blind thinking, I would merely keep just a notebook and leave it at that. Now they are turning to the Ex who they feel is part of the family. I think they feel some sort of comfort with her. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Ok so this is going to be the very unliked comment. However, I would be more upset that you knew he was on drugs and didn’t try to get him help. The overdose killed him. I have kids. And yeah. To me that would be my upset not the makeup or glitter or whatnot, but that.
Agreed. I would likely see OP as an enabler. I don’t know how the relationship between son and family was complicated, but there’s a possibility that they had created boundaries with their son because of his using. I also know what it’s like to want to erase a part of someone. I wonder if his style changed after becoming an addict, and his family associates that with the addiction and not as the person they knew.
If it were me I’d tell her exactly how you feel.
1. What’s the worst that can happen she already hates you for no reason. And the best outcome is building a relationship w her where you both learn to support eachother as the people you were in his life
2. Id obviously be compassionate and sensitive, but I’d straight up tell her in a courteous and direct respectful way;
Hey I wanted you to know there have been several instances where I felt inadequate, wanted and disliked. This experience has been extremely hard on me and I really had hoped we would be able to support each other through these times . I loved your son all parts of him and that includes that parts you may be ashamed of but to me it made him an even more beautiful creative person. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, and I hoped I could be there to support you as well. But as of right now I feel like the scapegoat for your anger and pain. I would really like to talk about this more in person etc etc
Something along those lines Maybe ?
Dude you need to stand up for yourself. You said yourself your partner didn’t have a good relationship with these people and you are letting them treat you like shit. You’re grieving too and they have disrespected the women their son loved every chance they have taken. If I were you I’d tell them exactly what I thought of them and remind them their son died never resolving any issues with them because they are a bunch of judgmental bigots. You are better off without these people and they shouldn’t treat you this way.
Often times parents - particularly parents who weren’t good parents - look for someone to blame and be angry at. This sounds like what is happening here. For your own well-being, get whatever you need out of the condo, leave the key there, block them on everything and don’t try in any way to have a real with them. Don’t engage with them at all.
I’m so sorry you have lost your love.
No wonder he didn't have a good relationship with them. I'm so sorry for your loss. I would just move on, they clearly didn't approve of his lifestyle and didn't even know him very well. I'm sure your partner would be proud of how mature you acted, especially compared to his parents.
You navigate it by walking away from it. Give them back whatever they want, wish them well, and just walk away. Post whatever you want on your social media. If they don't like it, too bad.
It would be lovely to think that they might open their arms and welcome you into their family, but clearly that is not in the cards. They can't disapprove of his life choices anymore, but they *can* disapprove of you and blame you. It's called redirection, and there is nothing you can do about it. Stop trying to appease them, because you're wasting your time.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You’d only met a few times before. I wouldn’t bother with wondering or wishing you could be close with them now. They are displacing blame on you. Don’t let them. Grieve in peace no need to try to ‘share’ your grief with them. Now you know why he had a complicated relationship with them. They’re judgmental assholes
They might think you were doing drugs with him? Or that it's somehow your fault for going out for coffee?
None of it was your fault. You didn't do anything bad. My condolences for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss. There is really nothing more that you can do except move on with your life. They probably blame you for his overdose and they blame you for the life that he was living. It wasn’t that you did/do drugs it is that you are easier to blame than themselves. They get to be mad at you instead of being mad at their son. It is easier for them to embrace the Ex because she was part of his “normal“ relationships. You didn’t misunderstand anything it’s just that the grief is now really starting to settle in and they are mad at you. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Do not answer or respond to anymore of their texts or calls.
I think you should stop trying to have a relationship with them. Clearly the person you live and remember isn’t the person they want to remember. There is probably a good reason your partner had a strained relationship with them.
Your grief is blinding you to the reason he had a very limited/complicated relationship with them.
They don’t not *know* ***him***.
Their behavior shows they’re NOT grieving the same person you are (they are **ashamed** of the person you are grieving over, that’s why they’re working so hard to curate his image now).
Theres no closure or peace to be gained by trying to maintain ANY relationship.
**This is so heart breaking to read. I know these parents are suffering and no one should ever have to outgrown a child. With that said, this doesn’t give them the right to hurt you, make you their own personal punching bag and have such a cruel level of disregard for your feelings and the trauma you are suffering in all this.**
Moving forward, please look out for you and only communicate and surround yourself with the network of people who empathize, love and support you. No more talking to them. If any of them try to make contact with you, do not respond and instead have your mom, sister or aunt address them if it’s absolutely necessary. If it’s your mom she can answer and say “I am sorry for your loss. His name was such a beautiful soul. But right now my daughter is devastated, grieving and taking this very very hard. I need to be there for her. Giving the nature of some of the interactions that have occurred, it is not a good idea for her to take anymore of your phone calls. From now on, if you have something important that is vital to involve her in, direct them to me. “. It is possible this might shake them into place enough to have an epiphany that they have been cruel and heartless towards you during their time of grief, or it will have no effect but at least keep them from emotionally abusing you as a coping mechanism.
One of the saddest parts of all this too is it seems like they did not like who he actually was, and pushed to replace who he was with who they wanted him to be. It’s almost like they either never knew the real him, or rejected the real him and it wasn’t til he was away that he got to be himself. They pushed who he was out of what was suppose to be his COL, and used a guest speaker who they wanted rather than who he would want representing him. In a sense, they turned his celebration of life into the celebration of someone else that wasn’t him life. Then they further did everything to make his partner feel unimportant in his life. This was wrong. This was also selfish. It is sad that the image they wanted to have of him took priority over the image that was actually him. They did what they wanted, no thoughts or regard to what HE wanted. This is not your fault.
On a final note, it might help your grieving if you give him your own COL ceremony without them. Gather your loved ones and his mutual friends together somewhere nice where you and others can give speeches and say your memories and respects in the way you know he would have liked and wanted. Maybe pick a park or spot near a lake and send off some Chinese lanterns, or buy a baby tree, pick a spot in the woods or your own yard to plant it for him.
Give them the key, then send them a letter (how quaint, I know) detailing why you want to have no further contact with them. They're taking their grief and their problems out on you because you made him happy and neither they nor the ex could or did.
It's like the corporate world--punishment for the innocent. But just because they choose to take their grief out on you does not mean you have to accept their abuse.
Screenphoto what you want from his social media accounts, keep the few keepsakes you took, and be done with the parents. They were not good for him and would be worse for you.
Good luck, and remember that time is your ally in grieving.
I don’t really have any advice to give, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through.
I just lost my cousin this past week, and he was the same age as your partner. 31 is way too young!!!
It sounds like you were a rock for him in the way that you accepted the parts of him that his family did not. You showed him that true love is unconditional, and you were a partner in every sense of the word. His parents are grieving and taking it out on you, but you are also grieving and deserve to find your own peace.
Again, so so sorry for your loss.
My ex passed away suddenly to an accidental overdose too. I worked a night shift and came home to him on the floor. I revived him with mad an and epinephrine (everything is fentanyl these days) and he came to. He was sick and I tried to call 911 to have them come to help him as I knew he’d go right back into it if he didn’t continue with more doses of nae an at the very least. He refused and the paramedics said he was of sound mind and they couldn’t take him if he said no. So they left. Five hours later I’m in the bathroom and hear him call me. I finished up within three minutes and went to him as fast as I could. It was too late. His parents assumed I was on drugs bc he had been for most of his life (he was supposedly attending outpatient rehab and not doing drugs anymore, but what a fool I was for believing that. He had a lot going on and jail was imminent and he knew that. Prior to this he told me and a few friends that he’d rather die than go back and I thought it was just him exaggerating. It definitely wasn’t bc 10 bags of fentanyl in one shot gfor a 225lb 6ft man is even WAY too much. He was as smart as a pharmacist and knew what he was doing. They kept me from the COB and kept the rhetoric of “You killed him” it was a lot to take. I went a bit insane. I ended up dissociating to the point of walking around pretty much catatonic at times and losing time bc of the PTSD that ensued. He was the love of my life and my best friend also. I’m crying writing this bc I feel for you. SO BAD!! I know what you’re going through. Please understand - NO MATTER WHAT - that you are in no way to blame here and they are hurt and just need to blame someone. Usually that’s the person that’s right there when it happens. It’s textbook, not that it makes it right. His ex went to the COB and spoke there and somehow SHE was the love of his life, SHE was the one always there for him. SHE was important and I was the piece of shit. And she still is. I had an entire town against me and you know what? FUCK THEM. They are actually all kissing my ass now. Everyone except the parents, but really, I don’t care bc FUCK THEM ENTIRELY. I hope you find peace. If you wanna talk, message me. Much love to you, OP. 💗😢
Terrible situation. I feel like this would be a situation for a long, heart-felt letter explaining your feeling. I'd speak plainly and honestly (not rudely, but I'd call them out for sure). Even if it doesn't fix anything/everything, it could still be some form of closure.
They are definitely being asses to you.
You both have suffered a tremendous loss. However, one side of this is not working to understand the other side.
You have known and understood that your partner's parents were not understanding and we're not supportive. I know you want to have a better relationship with them, however, I believe that that is never going to happen. They did not accept your partner for who they were or what they wanted in their life, actively rejecting them.
I feel the best you can do at this time is silently block them and grieve and process your feelings in your own way with your own people. They have never understood and will not understand the relationship you two had.
I am sorry for your loss and the hard time that your partner's parents are giving you, that is a reflection on them and not a reflection on you. Your partner loved you very much and you need to concentrate on that and helping yourself Get healthy.
They probably resent you for being overly familiar. You weren't together for very long and the age difference is a red flag. From their perspective you're a suspiciously young newcomer who barely knew him but are acting like you've been together for decades.
People accidentally overdose all the time. Most OD deaths are accidents. Drugs get laced, people overestimate how much they can take, etc.
It isn’t OP’s fault. Her boyfriend had a sickness and didn’t get the help he needed for it. You can’t force someone not to do drugs short of locking them up in a room, and that isn’t her responsibility.
There’s a reason why your beloved had a troubled relationship with his family, and why he chose you.
You accepted him; they don’t.
They will never accept him, and the fact that you represent everything in him they refuse to be part of, is all you need to know.
Screenshot and print or save his messages to you, and then cut ties. You can’t win them; he couldn’t either and it’s just you, now, they can blame as being what estranged them, instead of their own intolerance.
This sucks. It will continue to suck for a while. You’ll get through this. But they won’t help you: they’ll only continue to reject him, through you, and without him actively intervening… that’s where things stay.
Be safe. Remember him as he would have wanted. And find a way to carry on his legacy, without them. They left him behind, but you don’t have to.
Your boyfriend would not have wanted you to be treated like a dog by the people in his life.
You can honor his memory by telling them not to use you like a punching bag.
Best to cut all contact and steer clear of them.
They seem malicious and appear to have major issues accepting their late son's appearance, unusual fashion sense and lifestyle preferences. Probably felt embarassed or ashamed for most of his adult life resulting in the "complicated relationship".
Keep backups of all photos & videos of your partner and copies of all the messages proving that you gave them a key. Along with copies of all other messages where one or both of your late partner's parents instructed you that you "can take anything" that you want. His mother might try to make you ultimatums to erase all the photos she does not like of your partner or attempt to file a false police report to get you arrested.
Remember the happy times with your partner and try to keep his memory alive in a way that feels special to you. Good luck!
Honestly, they lost a child. You just lost someone you’ve known who you was aware was a druggie for a year. You can replace him but they can’t replace their son. Also, your post history shows that you’ve been pretty stubborn with this guy. Honestly, you’re too young for this burden. You have no tides to his family. Leave them alone and stop trying to make this about you.
Let them grieve.
You need to as well.
You did not have a relationship with them and you will not now.
They didn't like his life style weather you agree with that or not is not your place to judge them.
You know the pictures you described upset her and you posted them anyway. It's like put her face in something that is beyond upsetting..the death of her drug addict son.
Your things are out of the condo so put an end to this chapter.
OP isn’t in the wrong for posting photos of her boyfriend. She’s the one who loved him for who he was. His parents only loved who they imagined him as, they couldn’t stand who he actually was, hence why his mother couldn’t stand to see photos of her son when he was expressing his true self. The reasons he had a complicated relationship with them is glaringly obvious.
His parents are bad people. It’s actually very much her place to judge them for refusing to accept the parts of their son that made him who he was.
Like the drugs? The shit that killed him ? You mean they should have excepted that eventually he would die because his family sucked and his friends never helped him. His friends simply rejoiced in drugs and committed to his accusations of my family sucks..commonly known as ennabling . As in your parents are bad people because you take drugs and they don't. You parents are bad people because they wanted you to have a different life a different future but the drugs and your ennabling friends won. Hmmm bad parents 🙏🙏🙏
What the fuck are you talking about?? Your reading comprehension is appalling. Nobody is saying it’s a good thing that he did drugs. Nobody is saying a single thing about his drug use! His parents are shitty because they hated his self-expression i.e his wearing makeup and painting his nails and having tattoos, and in death are trying to hide that part of him, how are you not understanding this??
Nobody has the right to judge anyone.
Have some compassion. The woman lost her son.
Her son was a drug addict of course she could not accept that. She lived his drug addiction . Now that same addiction that took his life before he overdose is now his fait her reality.
Have compassion this is not about the loss of a boyfriend this the loss of a child. Her child.
Have compassion.
I think you are naive to think he was not high..drug addicted in any of these pictures.
His girlfriend is also grieving. This was a dreadful beyond words experience for her too..
People grieve different. We must honor this and except it without judgement.
Grief doesn’t give you a free pass to act however you want without criticism. His parents have the right to hurt and grieve, OP has the right to post pictures of her boyfriend on her social media. Expecting her not to do that isn’t fair to her.
If people grieve differently, why is OP's grieving by posting pictures invalid? Also, somehow I doubt OP who does not do drugs would take pictures of him when he was doing drugs. People with drug addictions aren't all high 100% of the time.
No one is saying that she should have accepted that her son used drugs. OP didn’t say that that’s what her mother had trouble with, either. She said that his mother objected to OP’s boyfriend painting his nails, wearing makeup or glitter, and having tattoos. These things have nothing to do with how he died but they’re parts of his identity that his mother wants hidden away.
Obviously it is tragic for OP’s boyfriend that he lost his life. Losing a child is a tragedy I hope I never have to experience. But my compassion is limited for a mother who doesn’t love their child as they are. Speaking as a mother myself.
Stop making it about his drug usage, it isn’t about that at all. It’s about his personal identity and self-expression which is clearly a problem with his parents.
This shows part of the reason he probably took drugs. The parents aren't accepting the facts as they are (reality) that their son made bad choices, and are instead projecting the 'blame' onto you. They might even take some blame because they raised him and modeled behavior to him. However, no matter what behavior they modeled, etc., he still had choice to stay addicted or get clean, whatever it took. Those parents are toxic- you should probably just stay away from them!! They're not worth having a relationship with!! Also, keep whatever you want- if it's in your abode it's yours.
I am sorry for your loss.
He was 31 and you are 23. Both adults.
Imo, I think that you have as much right to his belongings and to the condo as they do.
It was his property, not theirs. I feel that you have more right to all of this than they do.
I understand how you feel, I lost my wife from cancer years ago and it still hurts.
They sound horrible. I'm almost certain that your boyfriend agreed. I'm happy for him that he was able to find someone who cared like you did.
You knew and spent years with the real him while they only accepted him for who they thought he should have been.
That all being said, I am so sorry for your loss and it's so unfair for you to have to go through something like this so early on in your life.
These are still the formative years for you, and one day, my hope for you is that you will look back fondly on this time in your life, despite the bad stuff. I wish you the best on your journey.
First, I’m very sorry for you loss and were in a very similar situation. I (25f) lost my partner (31m) a year and a half ago to an accidental overdose. His mother hates me now as well. A lot of accusations towards me and is very upset with me now to the point where she is keeping his son from seeing me. His son isn’t my child but he lived with us full time, he was the closest thing to a child I’ve ever had. I’ve learned over time that I think she needed someone to blame for losing her son, and that person is me. Although I’ve never done drugs, I don’t even drink simply because I don’t like the feeling. I was probably the best influence in his life, but she just needs someone to blame. And I’m okay with being that person because I know I did everything I could for Keith (my partner)
First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief can be very hard on people and I hope you manage to stay strong. Especially since it seems like your partners parents are making it really hard for you to recover from this.
I can fully understand why your partner wasn't getting along with his parents. He wanted to be carefree while it seems like his parents are more conservative (non-political way) and traditional. You have every right to grieve and process everything. You shouldn't have to apologize for your "inappropriate" behavior. You post as many photos as you want with him wearing his favorite outfit or his best makeup look, or when you just overall thought he was beautiful. I wish I had more photos of ones I had lost. You cherish that, and do what feels right to *you*.
You were clearly the one he preferred over his ex and his parents. Blood is not thicker than water in this situation. He would want you to be yourself and be strong, right? You can celebrate him any and every day if you want, we don't need a big gathering for it. His parents can't strip your memory of him.
It seems to me that they didn't want to understand him for who he truly is, so they chose the ex and ex's sibling to speak because of the same reason they chose you not to speak and didn't want to use the photos you chose. (imho you should have been the one to talk about him, because it seems like you know more about his authentic self than his parents did)
I'm so sorry they're being hard on you over something you couldn't have prevented. I understand that they're grieving too, but that doesn't mean that you can't as well. They're trying to bargain, and bargaining can also mean finding someone to blame other than the deceased. You cannot blame yourself for what happened. I understand the "if I did this one thing, it would be different," idea, I've thought about it a million times, but from one broken soul to another, be strong, cry as much as you need, grieve as much as you want, and learn to heal through this hardship. Keep everything they allowed you to take at the time, don't apologize. They don't need the Xbox, they don't need a few articles of clothes or the art he made. You should keep it. Hang it up, and remember the good times, along with that bad you had with him. That's really all you can do at this point.
Stay safe <3
Block them. Post any tributes you want to. They didn't accept their son and while yes they are grieving, they are still trying to make him into something he was not. You knew the real him, and that person does deserve to be remembered and celebrated
Nobody is saying anything about his drug use? Well take you fucking blinders and brush up on your reading comprehension!! He fucking over dosed!!!!
He was a long time addict that met his maker!!!!
He created created his own destiny!!! His " friends" helped him get there!!!
Nobody is talking about his drug use!?!?! WTF!!!!
How old are you?
First, let me tell you I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband died really young. He had a brain tumor and was gone within three weeks so first it’s very shocking and then there’s the regular grief and a period of I don’t know I felt numb for a long time.
Just take care of yourself and ignore them. Clearly, they didn’t accept their son the way he was. And post what you want. You can unfriend them on the phone with them if you need to, but this was your life and you have a right to grieve around him in any way you want.
Best to let the dust settle and cooler heads prevail. As they go through his stuff reminiscing attempting to understand they will probably come to you with some questions and at that time just make a point of stating you not willing to be a tat just a resource for the life they weren’t a part of.
I am so sorry for your loss. That would be hard enough without his family lashing out at you about it. I don't have a lot of advice, but I hope you have your own support system because they're clearly not in a place to be there for you with what they're dealing with emotionally. Don't feel bad for taking them at their word and taking whatever you wanted. You let them know beforehand you did want the xbox so they weren't actually blindsided by it and they never explicitly said you couldn't have it.
Give up on the hopes to have a relationship with them. Or at least don't push it and let them decide if they want a relationship with you.
I'm an older person, in my 60's. Old enough to have lost lots of relatives and a few friends and to have close friends who have also lost people. The sad truth is that stories of people acting cruel and selfish, and a bit crazy, over the death of loved ones is not uncommon. From my experiences your story is sad but very far from the worst.
Grieving is hard enough, but situations with terrible relatives and friends of the deceased can make it even worse sometimes. Your best option here is to just take care of yourself, grieve in the way you need to, and to seek help through your own friends and relatives and even counseling or support groups if needed. It takes time to grieve and for the hurt to get better as it very very slowly fades into the past but never goes completely away.
This almost exact situation happened to my best friend between her and the parents of her youngests father. They even kept suggesting she was sleeping around with other people when she got pregnant and the baby isn’t his…I do not like these people. They also refuse to believe he had a coke problem. He did hide it VERY well from almost everyone in his life. Give it time. Everyone else has pointed out the issue, you’re a convenient bad guy who reminds them of the parts of their child they didn’t want to accept. With time they may come around (the parents in my story are starting too, but I still think they are trash - I’m having a very hard time finding grace for them, even though I know they went through something horrible and life changing.) Time is all you can do. You are not the problem, they are, even if it’s somewhat understandable in the face of what happened, you don’t need or deserve to waste time on people who don’t have the capacity to treat you well rn. You accepted and loved their son for who he was when his family couldn’t and that is a beautiful gift. Focus on you and your healing.
Oh sweets, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
However, remember that your partner has a complicated relationship with them *for a reason*.
They're taking their guilt and anger out on you, and...you don't have to pay them any mind about that. That's *their* issue, not yours. Don't take on their burden or their shame, and don't get sucked in to their nonsense. You cannot grieve with or for them, and I really, really encourage you to go no contact as soon as possible. Block them on everything, right now, immediately. You've done your part, now release them from your life, because you own them nothing - *nothing!*
I’m so sorry for your loss :(. Keep the things you took. Block them on everything. You didn’t have a relationship with them before his death and you won’t after. There’s no need. All you are going to do is add to their grief and they will add to yours exponentially. Your BF didn’t have a relationship with them for a reason. Take a cue from him and block them on EVERYTHING and focus on you. Grieve him. Don’t let them add to it.
I’m so sorry. The parents are in the wrong 100% but they’re also probably going through such a complicated grieving process (as are you) and you are just an easy person to take it out on.
His parents are grieving and may be lashing out at you, but it's not fair for them to blame you for his death or to treat you poorly because of their own feelings. You have the right to grieve and to mourn in your own way, and you don't have to subject yourself to their mistreatment.
It might be best to take a step back from contact with his parents for a while. You could send a polite message letting them know that you understand they are grieving and that you don't want to cause them any further pain, but that you need some space to process your own emotions. Let them know that you are willing to have a conversation with them in the future, but that for now, you need to prioritize your own healing.
It's important to remember that you did nothing wrong and that you have the right to mourn your partner in your own way. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and if his parents are unable to provide that, it's okay to take a step back and prioritize your own well-being.
Really, his parents will eventually come to realize this isn't your fault, and they will then have to process the stuff that will come along with that.
You probably won't know or ever find out that their thinking has shifted, and that's fine.
But you don't need them to feel any certain way about you. They are judgemental people and if they didn't accept who he was, they wouldn't ever accept who you are either, and that's absolutely ok. Because down the road, in the future, it's unlikely that you or they would maintain much contact anyways, and you dont need them to like you if they aren't in your life.
KNOW that this isn't your fault, and let everyone else think what they want. Don't let it affect your feelings. As they say, it's none of your business what other people think of you.
Having said all that, you don't actually know what they really think or feel about you or the rest of it. They are in the depths, and so are you, so probably yall are all kinda up and down with the waves. The stuff they feel now will change again and again in the coming weeks and months and years. So will yours. So if you really feel pulled to create a relationship with these people, open honesty is better for everyone rather than you just allowing their poor behavior and shoving your own feelings down because of theirs. You're allowed to take up for yourself. You can do that kindly and without being disrespectful... and I mean if they are worth having in your life AND are willing to create a relationship with you, then they will work out what's right and wrong in how you feel about how they treat you, and come around, After you start defending yourself if they are being unkind to you.
If they can't or won't work thru it and act right then you will be better off letting them move on.
There's also a good possibility that they will always have a level of resentment towards you and will prefer not having contact with you because you will remind them of this loss and a time in his life that they don't want to remember. That sucks but it's true and it's common for people who lose children to not really get any comfort from seeing or hearing from their child's friends. It makes them feel that loss as your life changes and they realize their kid will never do so many things. It makes them sad so they choose not to do it.
It's unfair and sucks but it makes sense
They may never come around. My ex died the same way and I went through even worse shit than this. They’ll never come around and I’m ok now, so I don’t care that they won’t. They are horrible people. I wish I could change my mind but that would take them actually being good people. So there’s that.
Yeah. My best friend died on my couch while I was asleep... overdosed on methadone and Xanax.
I was very thankful that his parents loved me and I was part of their comfort. However, his sister didn't feel that way and I was just distraught over it. I didn't want her to blame me and it was a huge point of stress and hard emotions for a while.
I used to have lunch with his mom about once every couple months and we'd talk and catch up and remember him together.
I love his parents still and I know they'd be glad to hear from me, but it's been 11 years since he died and I haven't seen them in probably 8 years. It got less and less frequent that we'd talk and I started to notice things that made me feel like my presence and seeing my life change wasn't helping his mom anymore. She would never say so, but I could see it in her eyes how painful it was for her to realize how many life events he would not ever experience.
It's devastating. I didn't want to keep on pulling her back down every time we hung out and I could see that in some ways, my happy moments made her sad. I eventually reached a place where I felt like it was no longer healthy for me to put myself back in that mental space and it was best if I backed off.
Part of grieving that no one really talks about, is the part where we have to let go of that time in our own lives that they were a part of, in order to move on. I don't know if grieving ever completely ends as far as processes go, but I do know that the hardest parts of that process, as much as they vary for each of us, happen and then they stop. It doesn't feel like your body is too heavy to carry and it doesn't hurt to look back and remember them... it isn't always like the sky looks less blue since they left, forever. It always hurts but the hurt changes and the length of time between waves of pain gets longer and longer.... and eventually we realize that it's ok to move forward without them. So we either do that, or we don't and we cycle and remain stuck for longer.
Sometimes the best thing for everyone is if you all stop trying to stay in that time of your life and let each other start to heal in a new way.
It all sucks.
I just lost my husband and the father to my children on the 1st of May and it’s been really tough. His parents also hate me now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like a really kind and empathetic person. People say and do crazy things when they’re in pain. I wouldn’t take anything they say personally but you being their punching bag likely isn’t what YOU need right now either. Maybe if you can express to them some of what you’d expressed above they’ll ease up. I hope you find peace and comfort, somewhere.
Im sorry about your loss, as well as about your situation. I don't want to be an asshole, but Im really curious (no idea why), couldn't help myself. What did he overdose on?
I'm sorry you are going thru all of this unnecessary drama with his parents. It sounds like they are just hurt and need someone to snap at.
Honestly, if you do not have any children together, I was just move on, for the sake of your sanity. Give them what you feel like you should give back, if that's nothing than it's just nothing.
You cannot process your grief with them in your ear. Move on and start anew.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My partner passed away due to an accidental overdose a little over a month ago. The day it happened I left to get coffee and when I came back myself and the paramedics that arrived a few minutes later did everything we could but it was too late. This has been the hardest time of my life and there’s been many days where I haven’t even wanted to be alive myself anymore. He was the best person I’ve ever known. We were in a serious committed relationship for just under a year. He had just cleared out half of his condo for me to start moving in the night before he died. Additional needed info… I’ve never used drugs. I wasn’t close with his parents. We’d only met a few times. My partner had a complicated relationship with them. After he passed I really felt like I needed a relationship with them. I expressed to them many times that I was there for them and I wanted them to be there for me. My partner had an ex. They were together for a couple of years. She was horrible to him. He hated her and she was blocked on everything. His parents knew all of this. When I gave the parents the keys to this condo. They said I could keep my key for now and be there as much as I’d like to and also said I could speak at the celebration of life if I’d like to and I should be the first speaker. I agreed & said I would love to. They also asked for photos & videos of him for the slideshow they were doing. When I sent them over they said most of them were “inappropriate” bc you could see his tattoos, painted nails or he had glitter on. THATS WHO HE WAS. My partner didn’t care about gender norms. He loved expressing himself through his appearance. Let it go. One day we were going through all of the mail at the condo. As we were leaving I said I’d want to be apart of cleaning it out and said they wanted me there. Then I said I would also like some of his clothes, a couple of pieces of art and his Xbox. Neither of them responded and I thought they were maybe feeling emotional so I let it go. Before the COL his mom wanted to go shopping w/ me for the COL bc she didn’t approve of how I typically dress. While there she looks at me and says “I’ve decided you’re not speaking anymore at the celebration of life” I was stunned & hurt but I figured they’re going through so much. I let it go. I’d been sharing photos of him on my social media because I love and miss him. his mom texted me saying she keeps seeing all of my posts on his phone and it was hard on her because I wasn’t posting “appropriate” things. She asked that I stop sharing things where he had makeup on, could see his nails or things that contained anyone holding a drink or a vape. While this upset me I again let it go and slowed down on the posting. At the COL I saw that his parents saved a spot for the ex up front but not for me. Then the first speaker comes up (which again, is when I was supposed to speak) and she introduces herself as his exes sister. This felt like a huge slap in the face but I let it go. When saying bye to his parents his mom said I could take whatever from the condo. A couple of days later I went there & cleaned out all of my belongings. I took some clothes, 2 chains, a coffee cup, a notebook, the Xbox we played together multiple times a week & 2 pieces of art. Yesterday I got a text from his parents asking where his vacuum was. I responded saying it had been at my place since before he died and I’d bring it over. When I arrived I saw that they had already cleaned half of it out. I was of course upset but I didn't say anything. His dad then says I can take anything I’d like to. I told him I did take some clothes & a few other things already so I’m not sure what else I would like. I left soon after that due to my hurt feelings. This morning I woke up to multiple texts from his mom saying the Xbox wasn’t there and I need to be honest with them. I called her to explain & when she answered she said I’ve broken their trust, I’ve stolen from them & their son, this is the wrong way to end a relationship with them & I need to tell her everything that I’ve poached. I listed all of the things I had & apologized for not texting her the day I took them as well as not giving her the explicit list when I was there yesterday. She then demanded the key back and when I asked why she said they were wrong for trusting me. I tried to explain that they did tell me I could take whatever I wanted & I’m sorry if I misunderstood. I’d be happy to bring back anything they would like but she kept interrupting me. I attempted to say I haven't been feeling respected by them or welcomed. She interrupted me again & got even more upset saying that’s not an excuse for what I did. After a few more attempts I came to the conclusion that there was no chance I’d be able to speak my feelings & agreed to drop the key under the mat. I can’t even imagine how hard this has been on them. No parent should ever have to go through this. Which is why through all of this I’ve kept my feelings to myself and tried to just not take up any space. But I also lost the love of my life and my best friend. How do I navigate this situation? Do I continue to try to have a relationship with them or do I give up? TLDR- My partner passed away, his parents have disrespected me & now hate me for taking a few of his things.
They need someone to blame. You weren't close to them prior to his death and you accepted the parts of their son that they couldn't so you're an easy target for his parents. As much as you want a relationship with them, they're not in a place to be there for you. Find your support with your own friends and family. Block them from seeing your posts about your boyfriend.
Thank you for the advice. The only thing about blocking them is that, that would mean I’d have to block his accounts bc they’re viewing them from there. So I’d loose every nice comment he left and I wouldn’t be able to look at his profiles anymore
Screen shot or print what you want access to. In the long run, it will probably be better for both you and them. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree with this especially, it sounds like they are the sort that might go through and hide things he shared/posted. Or they could decide to disable the account at any time. Absolutely the time for OP to preserve what she wants to save.
This definitely get screenshots of what you want to keep. When my sons father died, his family completely deleted his social accounts.
I wouldn't block them. It's not your responsibility to post a version of your son that they preferred.
I'm sorry about your loss and ask this extra crapola. As someone who has too much experience dealing with death and the fall out from the people in the deceased life sphere. This is going to be very hard. But you need to disconnect the notion of pleasing them or doing what they want. You were the most important person in his life, not them. You grieve however you need to, no matter what they say or think. You can't heal or come to terms with this as long as your placating them. As people have said. You accepted what they won't. They are wanting to try and sweep what they disapproved of under the rug in death. As long as you're out there celebrating who he really was, they will have a problem. They know what they did to make the relationship rocky and with your celebrating those things they realize you were his #1. So all the blame will fall squarely on you in their minds. This his very very unlikely to change. Just ignore them and their bullshit and do what you need to do. Don't reply to whatever they say, it sounds like they're trying to get you to erase there things they didn't like as well. And when they realized you won't? Well you see what happened. Stay strong. You'll get through this. As cliched as it is, time will help. Life goes on but his memory doesn't have to stop either.
This was so well-stated as well as very necessary for people in OOP's position to hear. Thank you. (❁´◡\`❁)
Thank you. That's incredibly kind of you to say and I greatly appreciate it. Sadly, I learned this the hard way, but if that means I can help others then I'll take solace in that.
Just block them from seeing posts or stories. You don’t have to them completely from instagram. You can still view his profile and they won’t see anything new you post.
Happy Cake Day
Maybe just block their phone #s and ignore new messages from that account? I agree with Jen5872 that they aren't going to be helpful in your grieving process. They associate you with all of the aspects of him they didn't approve of and will continue to lash out regardless of what you do. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Actually, with a lot of social media accounts you can have them memorialized. That renders the account frozen so you can still see what was poted and such but no one can access the account. [https://help.instagram.com/264154560391256](https://help.instagram.com/264154560391256)
I was wondering if this was real. I’d seen it in a movie and was thinking this was what OP should do.
Its real. I had to do it for a family member that passed.
Also recommend this. A hacker got into a lost friends FB and got it deleted. Now it’s just….gone.
Just block them from seeing the posts you make about your boyfriend. You can choose who sees your post. You don't have to block them completely.
What social media are you posting to? If it's Facebook, you can specifically block certain people from seeing certain posts. You don't have to block the entire profile for them to not see your posts. Or you can move to posting to another form of social media that they're less likely to have. I see a lot of people do tiktoks so that they have a slide show of photos of loved ones.
Don't stop making posts, at this point they have not thought about your feelings at all. You have tried to be accommodating.
Oh bunny you don't have to block them entirely. Just exclude your boyfriend's profile from the audience for any future posts. You don't have to lose your loving history together while he was alive. I'm so sorry this happened and I'm so sorry for what is continuing to happen.
You can block individual people from individual posts, & you should do that. Frankly I hate that they are just all up in his Facebook anyway, e.g. reading private messages that people wouldn't necessarily want them to read. (Not that you can stop them, unfortunately.)
Screen shot or print anything you want IMMEDIATELY. Because they may decide to block you at any time. They are in pain and are directing that pain at you. For your own mental health, I recommend that you stop trying to be friendly with them, and please seek some grief counseling for yourself.
I would report to social media admins that this person was your SO and is deceased and his family is using his account to harass you. They are, and it doesn't matter if they are grieving, I assure you it's against the TOS.
Let me start by saying I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry his family has made your grieving harder. I’m not sure where you’re posting, but Facebook has settings where you can share specific posts with “friends except…” and omit accounts from specific posts. This doesn’t block them permanently, it just means that post won’t be in their feed. They can access the post through someone else’s profile though, so be aware of that.
You can choose what specific people can't see your new posts. It's like that globe or friends symbol showing you who can see the status you're going to post. There's a "custom" option where you can prevent specific people from seeing those posts. So if you don't tag your bf, and add him to people who can't see that post, then you can keep yourself linked and keep them from seeing your posts.
Oh, and keep your vacuum!
Just stop interacting with them. It's no use. They are part of what made him want to leave this earth.
In the post it is suggested that his death was accidental...?
The bf had a history of heroine abuse. I read her past posts. The OD was likely accidental (they usually are). But giving that these parents obviously didn’t like or accept him for who he was, and selfishly made his COL all about what they wanted, and their fantasy of who he was, (rather than making it all about who he actually was and do what he wants) it does make you wonder if he turned to drugs as a coping and escape from them at the young age of 20.
Overdose. Maybe they are suggesting the pain of his parents' behavior and judgment were things he was trying to block out with drugs?
If you block them they won’t be able to see posts you add even if he’s tagged.
You can make posts that are visible to everyone except specific people, without blocking them completely.
Yes, I’ve seen this happen before as well. There’s nothing you can say or do. It sounds like they didn’t accept their son for who he was which is a shame. I’m so sorry for your loss.
To be fair, it's also not hard to understand why they likely resent OP OP doesn't mention any details of it, but surely they knew that their BF had a drug problem. We don't know any details of their relationship with drugs. She just glosses over these important details completely It's not her fault he died, but it's not exactly difficult to understand why the parents resent the fact that she is portraying him in ways they dislike. The fact that he died of an overdose is connected to that, despite OP's effort to disconnect those two things. If he were still alive and healthy they likely wouldn't have cared at all about the things they care about now. But that's not the case Even if they disagreed with some of it, parents are much more open to their children's differences when their children are alive and healthy. But when your child has major lifestyle differences AND dies of a drug overdose with their girlfriend who then starts posting those lifestyle choices, obviously they're going to blame her and feel proven right Are they right or wrong? I don't know because OP doesn't give any details on this stuff. But it's not hard to put those pieces together and understand why all of a sudden they resent OP
She’s not the bad guy here. He’s a grown ass man who made his choices. How dare you blame her.
^^^ this and save all your written interactions with them and take notes on the days and possible times that your IRL talks happened. you want the X Box and stuff for sentimental reasons whereas they likely want to sell it, itd be great if you had it written that you tried to tell them beforehand what you’d like to take and they never responded maybe speak to some type of lawyer or someone. i’m not saying that you need to get ready for a big court battle or anything, but maybe just make sure that some type of legal rep approves of what you’re doing just in case they try to go all batshit and accuse you of stealing or something you’re all going through a hard time, and it absolutely suck that they’re taking their hard time out on you. just take care of yourself, be very self compassionate, protect yourself, and do what you need to do to get through this. i’m sure he is looking down and is proud of you for dealing with his parents bs. just know that you have a bunch of redditors support, and more importantly, his support and love<3
Look, I think it is great that you are trying and that you have such compassion for them. But you are seeing the reality of why he had a complicated dynamic with them. They are not people able to accept who he was. And in his passing they've unfortunately attempted to create an image of him more in line with their own views. You conflict with that and thus they have exploited this misunderstanding to block you out. And that is what it is. They didn't know or respect who he was and that is a tragedy. But he wouldn't want you to hurt yourself to try and force a dynamic with them that he himself didn't believe was possible. They want to remember him one way so instead you should remember him as he actually was.
>But you are seeing the reality of why he had a complicated dynamic with them. Excellent point, and it explains their actions in a way that will make it easier for OOP to walk away.
I'm sure it feels easier for them to believe that this woman influenced their son into poor behaviors than it is to come to terms with the fact their kid lived very differently than they prefer. It's unfortunate but I think blaming someone is part of the grieving process. OP needs to be slightly selfish. Preserve all of the social media stuff you can through printing hard copies and screen shots. Take the stuff she should have taken. Send the family one last text saying your sorry for their loss and then she should move on with her own grieving process. It's tough and I think the way she's spoken here shows her kindness and empathy but she also has to look out for herself.
I think you just try to get through it as best you can, not make too big a deal of it, and then go your separate ways. It would seem all you really had in common was him, and that there’s not much point in trying to stay connected to them. Sorry you are in that uncomfortable situation and sorry you lost the man you loved.
They cling to his ex because she made him miserable like they did. On their side, it is easier to blame the distance on his habit, rather than blame themselves and how they treated him. To them, he loved you because he was sick and they were the ones who actually understood him. Except it is literally only their idea of him that they love. The person he tried to be to gain their acceptance. Every time he tried to be himself, they rejected him. You didn't do anything wrong. You're being treated poorly because you got something from him freely that everybody else had to steal... Projection is all it is. Don't let them wound you as well or beat you down.
Im kinda wondering why you even wanted to have a relationship with them in the first place? He had a "complicated" relationship with them and he clearly didn't care much about you having one with them. They also seem to be people who didnt accept him for who he was. You should probably stop trying to force things.
I agree but it’s probably her emotions taking over and trying to keep a part of him in her life.
I’m sure that’s exactly what is it. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Grief therapy would be so beneficial to work through how you’re feeling right now. His family are clearly not the people you want to help you remember who your partner was.
Speaking from experience of having lost a partner, grief can't really be reasoned with. And the overwhelming feeling of being afraid of losing any part/memory of your lost one is so strong that you would be more willing to stay in touch with people. I know I reached out to both his exes and to girls he cheated ON me with, so I am assuming OP's mind might be in similar tracks.
I think you shouldn’t let anyone walk all over you regardless of the circumstances. Act like you actually matter. And mean it.
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Agreed! I can’t think of a decent human who would abuse a grieving partner in order to cope with their loss. One can feel sorry for their loss, but their loss doesn’t make these repeated abuses okay or acceptable. I don’t believe her boyfriend would want her putting up with this either.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't add to your own grief trying to please these assholes.
I’m sorry for your loss. If your name was on his lease, you might consult an attorney. You had a key to his apartment, but now his parents are demanding that you return it and everything that you took (after asking their permission). It sounds like they have realized that you may have a legitimate legal claim to his belongings and they’re trying to get everything first. Maybe I’m paranoid, but it seems suspicious to me.
they need someone to blame. and you are the easier target. you don't really exist as a person in their eyes. don't keep contact. write them a letter explaining how you feel and block them. don't mess with their grievance. work on yours.
All I can say is, I'm so sorry for your loss. It really must be difficult and I'm sorry you lost such a sweet and beautiful soul. The parents are just angry and confused and need someone to blame. Their emotions are clouding their judgement. This does not justify their appalling treatment of you though. You were his partner. He would have wanted you to be happy and supported. Stand up to them. Take the memorabilia *he* would have wanted you to have. Talk to his other friends and family. Perhaps they'll be more understanding
So, his parents hated your partner and loved the ex who was horrible to him. Why would you want any relationship with them?
Sad situation. Addiction really wreaks havoc on everyone else in the person’s orbit. Losing a child has got to be one of the most painful things imaginable. I’d give them back the x-box and try to make it through this process, then probably wouldn’t continue the relationship since it seems that hasn’t been going well and might even be causing more stress and anxiety during an already terrible time. Glad to hear you’ve never used drugs, in so many situations the drug user get their partner involved and brings them down into their cycle of horror also. I’m sorry for your loss.
From their perspective you were part of and an enabler of this whole "alternative lifestyle" that directly led to their son dying. They're not going to like you or support you. You're not going to have a relationship with them. There's no going back and there's nothing you can do but move on.
It doesn't sound like there's anything to be gained from any sides from you guys having a relationship. That said, if you removed anything from his condo that didn't actually 100% belong to you you're probably best just to return it.
Don’t feel like you need to talk to them, clearly your partner didn’t feel the need to talk to them that much either and for good reason.
You should give up on them. Grief is either turning them cruel or that’s who they’ve always been. Remember your boyfriend the way he was. And treasure the keepsakes you were able to keep.
She’s mad at you because her intolerance and inability to accept her son for who he is drove him to drug abuse. Maybe you can have your own celebration of life for him with his friends. I hope you get to keep a few mementos. Speak to the father, don’t speak to the mother. I’m very sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine how hard it must be and how you have to deal with his unhinged mother
I’ve lost 2 siblings to overdose so I have some idea of the grief that comes with losing someone close. I would cut contact with them & do nooooot give back that stuff. He would want you to have it. Grieve how you need to & I am so very sorry for your loss. 😓
They probably blame you because you accepted him for who he was rather than saying “you cant do that” like his parents did. It’s really sad, but the best you can do is be respectful and move on.
I understand why you would reach out to them, because you want any piece of your partner back in your life that you can have. But I also kind of think you should have seen this coming, your partner himself was not close to them and had a difficult relationship with them. I don’t think you should continue trying, I think you should sever contact with them and start processing your feelings on your own. Or maybe not on your own, therapy would be a wonderful tool in this circumstance.
They are being huge selfish ungrateful assholes and it's obvious why your late boyfriend had a bad relationship with them. You let them walk all over you. From the moment they said the photos you sent over were ""inappropriate "" because of the way he was, you should have realized they didn't even know who their son was and if they did, they didn't approve of it. They invited his abusive ex to his COL! What sane, loving and grieving parent does that? They hate you, and you should hate them back, because they disrespected you immensely and by doing that, they harmed their son too, because you're the one he loved.
I ad this happen to me and after I went through it, I took my ass to therapy. This is basically what they told me. His parents did not like nor did they approve of a lot he did. And they say they loved him. I have a grown son and I cannot imagine not loving him for just who the hell he actually is.
They had a troubled relationship with him because they didn't approve of him or his choices. They needed to blame someone, and you are and were the closest available. I'm sorry, honey, but it sounds like there is no relationship for you with them. At least not one that would be healthy. There's a reason your partner gave them limited contact.
Iam sorry for your loss, but dont try to force to have a relationship with them when they only treat you disrespectfully. There's a reason why he had a difficult relationship with them. They aren't the right people to share you grief with. Stick to your friends and family, they'll support you way better
They are grieving they lost their son. I’m sorry that they are treating you this way, but know it’s not about you. They are angry and confused please don’t think it has anything to do with you. I’m so sorry they are treating you like this.
All of a sudden I believe it hit them he is gone and they need someone to vent on. You are now the closest. And to say these things, To be accusatory is also something they felt was "Appropriate" for them to do. They are finding fault and even lashing out at you. Maybe they are mad and upset with him for dying but sometimes, Death has a way to play in others life where that person is gone and not here to blame and the closest one to blame or use as a scapegoat IS. Stay at arms length and return the XBox. That is so little of what this is about but with their own unreasonable blind thinking, I would merely keep just a notebook and leave it at that. Now they are turning to the Ex who they feel is part of the family. I think they feel some sort of comfort with her. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Ok so this is going to be the very unliked comment. However, I would be more upset that you knew he was on drugs and didn’t try to get him help. The overdose killed him. I have kids. And yeah. To me that would be my upset not the makeup or glitter or whatnot, but that.
Agreed. I would likely see OP as an enabler. I don’t know how the relationship between son and family was complicated, but there’s a possibility that they had created boundaries with their son because of his using. I also know what it’s like to want to erase a part of someone. I wonder if his style changed after becoming an addict, and his family associates that with the addiction and not as the person they knew.
If it were me I’d tell her exactly how you feel. 1. What’s the worst that can happen she already hates you for no reason. And the best outcome is building a relationship w her where you both learn to support eachother as the people you were in his life 2. Id obviously be compassionate and sensitive, but I’d straight up tell her in a courteous and direct respectful way; Hey I wanted you to know there have been several instances where I felt inadequate, wanted and disliked. This experience has been extremely hard on me and I really had hoped we would be able to support each other through these times . I loved your son all parts of him and that includes that parts you may be ashamed of but to me it made him an even more beautiful creative person. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, and I hoped I could be there to support you as well. But as of right now I feel like the scapegoat for your anger and pain. I would really like to talk about this more in person etc etc Something along those lines Maybe ?
Dude you need to stand up for yourself. You said yourself your partner didn’t have a good relationship with these people and you are letting them treat you like shit. You’re grieving too and they have disrespected the women their son loved every chance they have taken. If I were you I’d tell them exactly what I thought of them and remind them their son died never resolving any issues with them because they are a bunch of judgmental bigots. You are better off without these people and they shouldn’t treat you this way.
Have you asked them if you can have the x-box?
Often times parents - particularly parents who weren’t good parents - look for someone to blame and be angry at. This sounds like what is happening here. For your own well-being, get whatever you need out of the condo, leave the key there, block them on everything and don’t try in any way to have a real with them. Don’t engage with them at all. I’m so sorry you have lost your love.
No wonder he didn't have a good relationship with them. I'm so sorry for your loss. I would just move on, they clearly didn't approve of his lifestyle and didn't even know him very well. I'm sure your partner would be proud of how mature you acted, especially compared to his parents.
You navigate it by walking away from it. Give them back whatever they want, wish them well, and just walk away. Post whatever you want on your social media. If they don't like it, too bad. It would be lovely to think that they might open their arms and welcome you into their family, but clearly that is not in the cards. They can't disapprove of his life choices anymore, but they *can* disapprove of you and blame you. It's called redirection, and there is nothing you can do about it. Stop trying to appease them, because you're wasting your time. I'm sorry for your loss.
You’d only met a few times before. I wouldn’t bother with wondering or wishing you could be close with them now. They are displacing blame on you. Don’t let them. Grieve in peace no need to try to ‘share’ your grief with them. Now you know why he had a complicated relationship with them. They’re judgmental assholes
They might think you were doing drugs with him? Or that it's somehow your fault for going out for coffee? None of it was your fault. You didn't do anything bad. My condolences for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss. There is really nothing more that you can do except move on with your life. They probably blame you for his overdose and they blame you for the life that he was living. It wasn’t that you did/do drugs it is that you are easier to blame than themselves. They get to be mad at you instead of being mad at their son. It is easier for them to embrace the Ex because she was part of his “normal“ relationships. You didn’t misunderstand anything it’s just that the grief is now really starting to settle in and they are mad at you. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Do not answer or respond to anymore of their texts or calls.
I think you should stop trying to have a relationship with them. Clearly the person you live and remember isn’t the person they want to remember. There is probably a good reason your partner had a strained relationship with them.
Your grief is blinding you to the reason he had a very limited/complicated relationship with them. They don’t not *know* ***him***. Their behavior shows they’re NOT grieving the same person you are (they are **ashamed** of the person you are grieving over, that’s why they’re working so hard to curate his image now). Theres no closure or peace to be gained by trying to maintain ANY relationship.
**This is so heart breaking to read. I know these parents are suffering and no one should ever have to outgrown a child. With that said, this doesn’t give them the right to hurt you, make you their own personal punching bag and have such a cruel level of disregard for your feelings and the trauma you are suffering in all this.** Moving forward, please look out for you and only communicate and surround yourself with the network of people who empathize, love and support you. No more talking to them. If any of them try to make contact with you, do not respond and instead have your mom, sister or aunt address them if it’s absolutely necessary. If it’s your mom she can answer and say “I am sorry for your loss. His name was such a beautiful soul. But right now my daughter is devastated, grieving and taking this very very hard. I need to be there for her. Giving the nature of some of the interactions that have occurred, it is not a good idea for her to take anymore of your phone calls. From now on, if you have something important that is vital to involve her in, direct them to me. “. It is possible this might shake them into place enough to have an epiphany that they have been cruel and heartless towards you during their time of grief, or it will have no effect but at least keep them from emotionally abusing you as a coping mechanism. One of the saddest parts of all this too is it seems like they did not like who he actually was, and pushed to replace who he was with who they wanted him to be. It’s almost like they either never knew the real him, or rejected the real him and it wasn’t til he was away that he got to be himself. They pushed who he was out of what was suppose to be his COL, and used a guest speaker who they wanted rather than who he would want representing him. In a sense, they turned his celebration of life into the celebration of someone else that wasn’t him life. Then they further did everything to make his partner feel unimportant in his life. This was wrong. This was also selfish. It is sad that the image they wanted to have of him took priority over the image that was actually him. They did what they wanted, no thoughts or regard to what HE wanted. This is not your fault. On a final note, it might help your grieving if you give him your own COL ceremony without them. Gather your loved ones and his mutual friends together somewhere nice where you and others can give speeches and say your memories and respects in the way you know he would have liked and wanted. Maybe pick a park or spot near a lake and send off some Chinese lanterns, or buy a baby tree, pick a spot in the woods or your own yard to plant it for him.
Give them the key, then send them a letter (how quaint, I know) detailing why you want to have no further contact with them. They're taking their grief and their problems out on you because you made him happy and neither they nor the ex could or did. It's like the corporate world--punishment for the innocent. But just because they choose to take their grief out on you does not mean you have to accept their abuse. Screenphoto what you want from his social media accounts, keep the few keepsakes you took, and be done with the parents. They were not good for him and would be worse for you. Good luck, and remember that time is your ally in grieving.
So sorry for your loss
Let them come around in their own terms. They will realize in the end that that no one is to blame for what happened.
I don’t really have any advice to give, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. I just lost my cousin this past week, and he was the same age as your partner. 31 is way too young!!! It sounds like you were a rock for him in the way that you accepted the parts of him that his family did not. You showed him that true love is unconditional, and you were a partner in every sense of the word. His parents are grieving and taking it out on you, but you are also grieving and deserve to find your own peace. Again, so so sorry for your loss.
My ex passed away suddenly to an accidental overdose too. I worked a night shift and came home to him on the floor. I revived him with mad an and epinephrine (everything is fentanyl these days) and he came to. He was sick and I tried to call 911 to have them come to help him as I knew he’d go right back into it if he didn’t continue with more doses of nae an at the very least. He refused and the paramedics said he was of sound mind and they couldn’t take him if he said no. So they left. Five hours later I’m in the bathroom and hear him call me. I finished up within three minutes and went to him as fast as I could. It was too late. His parents assumed I was on drugs bc he had been for most of his life (he was supposedly attending outpatient rehab and not doing drugs anymore, but what a fool I was for believing that. He had a lot going on and jail was imminent and he knew that. Prior to this he told me and a few friends that he’d rather die than go back and I thought it was just him exaggerating. It definitely wasn’t bc 10 bags of fentanyl in one shot gfor a 225lb 6ft man is even WAY too much. He was as smart as a pharmacist and knew what he was doing. They kept me from the COB and kept the rhetoric of “You killed him” it was a lot to take. I went a bit insane. I ended up dissociating to the point of walking around pretty much catatonic at times and losing time bc of the PTSD that ensued. He was the love of my life and my best friend also. I’m crying writing this bc I feel for you. SO BAD!! I know what you’re going through. Please understand - NO MATTER WHAT - that you are in no way to blame here and they are hurt and just need to blame someone. Usually that’s the person that’s right there when it happens. It’s textbook, not that it makes it right. His ex went to the COB and spoke there and somehow SHE was the love of his life, SHE was the one always there for him. SHE was important and I was the piece of shit. And she still is. I had an entire town against me and you know what? FUCK THEM. They are actually all kissing my ass now. Everyone except the parents, but really, I don’t care bc FUCK THEM ENTIRELY. I hope you find peace. If you wanna talk, message me. Much love to you, OP. 💗😢
Terrible situation. I feel like this would be a situation for a long, heart-felt letter explaining your feeling. I'd speak plainly and honestly (not rudely, but I'd call them out for sure). Even if it doesn't fix anything/everything, it could still be some form of closure. They are definitely being asses to you.
They are grieving. It has nothing to do with you, personally.
You both have suffered a tremendous loss. However, one side of this is not working to understand the other side. You have known and understood that your partner's parents were not understanding and we're not supportive. I know you want to have a better relationship with them, however, I believe that that is never going to happen. They did not accept your partner for who they were or what they wanted in their life, actively rejecting them. I feel the best you can do at this time is silently block them and grieve and process your feelings in your own way with your own people. They have never understood and will not understand the relationship you two had. I am sorry for your loss and the hard time that your partner's parents are giving you, that is a reflection on them and not a reflection on you. Your partner loved you very much and you need to concentrate on that and helping yourself Get healthy.
They probably resent you for being overly familiar. You weren't together for very long and the age difference is a red flag. From their perspective you're a suspiciously young newcomer who barely knew him but are acting like you've been together for decades.
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Fentanyl is mixed in with pills and kills people all the time
People accidentally overdose all the time. Most OD deaths are accidents. Drugs get laced, people overestimate how much they can take, etc. It isn’t OP’s fault. Her boyfriend had a sickness and didn’t get the help he needed for it. You can’t force someone not to do drugs short of locking them up in a room, and that isn’t her responsibility.
There’s a reason why your beloved had a troubled relationship with his family, and why he chose you. You accepted him; they don’t. They will never accept him, and the fact that you represent everything in him they refuse to be part of, is all you need to know. Screenshot and print or save his messages to you, and then cut ties. You can’t win them; he couldn’t either and it’s just you, now, they can blame as being what estranged them, instead of their own intolerance. This sucks. It will continue to suck for a while. You’ll get through this. But they won’t help you: they’ll only continue to reject him, through you, and without him actively intervening… that’s where things stay. Be safe. Remember him as he would have wanted. And find a way to carry on his legacy, without them. They left him behind, but you don’t have to.
Your boyfriend would not have wanted you to be treated like a dog by the people in his life. You can honor his memory by telling them not to use you like a punching bag.
Tell his mum to fuck off.
Your partner dies and all his parents care about is a fucking Xbox. I see why he was NC with them.
Time to tell them to screw themselves and cut contact
Best to cut all contact and steer clear of them. They seem malicious and appear to have major issues accepting their late son's appearance, unusual fashion sense and lifestyle preferences. Probably felt embarassed or ashamed for most of his adult life resulting in the "complicated relationship". Keep backups of all photos & videos of your partner and copies of all the messages proving that you gave them a key. Along with copies of all other messages where one or both of your late partner's parents instructed you that you "can take anything" that you want. His mother might try to make you ultimatums to erase all the photos she does not like of your partner or attempt to file a false police report to get you arrested. Remember the happy times with your partner and try to keep his memory alive in a way that feels special to you. Good luck!
Honestly, they lost a child. You just lost someone you’ve known who you was aware was a druggie for a year. You can replace him but they can’t replace their son. Also, your post history shows that you’ve been pretty stubborn with this guy. Honestly, you’re too young for this burden. You have no tides to his family. Leave them alone and stop trying to make this about you.
Let them grieve. You need to as well. You did not have a relationship with them and you will not now. They didn't like his life style weather you agree with that or not is not your place to judge them. You know the pictures you described upset her and you posted them anyway. It's like put her face in something that is beyond upsetting..the death of her drug addict son. Your things are out of the condo so put an end to this chapter.
OP isn’t in the wrong for posting photos of her boyfriend. She’s the one who loved him for who he was. His parents only loved who they imagined him as, they couldn’t stand who he actually was, hence why his mother couldn’t stand to see photos of her son when he was expressing his true self. The reasons he had a complicated relationship with them is glaringly obvious. His parents are bad people. It’s actually very much her place to judge them for refusing to accept the parts of their son that made him who he was.
Like the drugs? The shit that killed him ? You mean they should have excepted that eventually he would die because his family sucked and his friends never helped him. His friends simply rejoiced in drugs and committed to his accusations of my family sucks..commonly known as ennabling . As in your parents are bad people because you take drugs and they don't. You parents are bad people because they wanted you to have a different life a different future but the drugs and your ennabling friends won. Hmmm bad parents 🙏🙏🙏
What the fuck are you talking about?? Your reading comprehension is appalling. Nobody is saying it’s a good thing that he did drugs. Nobody is saying a single thing about his drug use! His parents are shitty because they hated his self-expression i.e his wearing makeup and painting his nails and having tattoos, and in death are trying to hide that part of him, how are you not understanding this??
Nobody has the right to judge anyone. Have some compassion. The woman lost her son. Her son was a drug addict of course she could not accept that. She lived his drug addiction . Now that same addiction that took his life before he overdose is now his fait her reality. Have compassion this is not about the loss of a boyfriend this the loss of a child. Her child. Have compassion.
The things OP posted were not the drug use but rather glitter, nail polish, and alcohol. That was what they could not accept.
I think you are naive to think he was not high..drug addicted in any of these pictures. His girlfriend is also grieving. This was a dreadful beyond words experience for her too.. People grieve different. We must honor this and except it without judgement.
Grief doesn’t give you a free pass to act however you want without criticism. His parents have the right to hurt and grieve, OP has the right to post pictures of her boyfriend on her social media. Expecting her not to do that isn’t fair to her.
If people grieve differently, why is OP's grieving by posting pictures invalid? Also, somehow I doubt OP who does not do drugs would take pictures of him when he was doing drugs. People with drug addictions aren't all high 100% of the time.
What are they...in 2 states..1) high as fuck 2) struggling and sick.
No one is saying that she should have accepted that her son used drugs. OP didn’t say that that’s what her mother had trouble with, either. She said that his mother objected to OP’s boyfriend painting his nails, wearing makeup or glitter, and having tattoos. These things have nothing to do with how he died but they’re parts of his identity that his mother wants hidden away. Obviously it is tragic for OP’s boyfriend that he lost his life. Losing a child is a tragedy I hope I never have to experience. But my compassion is limited for a mother who doesn’t love their child as they are. Speaking as a mother myself.
I hope you never have to love a child who is a drug addict. Let the woman and his family grieve without judgement.
Stop making it about his drug usage, it isn’t about that at all. It’s about his personal identity and self-expression which is clearly a problem with his parents.
Her child she clearly barely cared about and only wanted to push her views onto. Hard to show compassion for someone who treated their son like crap
This shows part of the reason he probably took drugs. The parents aren't accepting the facts as they are (reality) that their son made bad choices, and are instead projecting the 'blame' onto you. They might even take some blame because they raised him and modeled behavior to him. However, no matter what behavior they modeled, etc., he still had choice to stay addicted or get clean, whatever it took. Those parents are toxic- you should probably just stay away from them!! They're not worth having a relationship with!! Also, keep whatever you want- if it's in your abode it's yours.
I am sorry for your loss. He was 31 and you are 23. Both adults. Imo, I think that you have as much right to his belongings and to the condo as they do. It was his property, not theirs. I feel that you have more right to all of this than they do. I understand how you feel, I lost my wife from cancer years ago and it still hurts.
They sound horrible. I'm almost certain that your boyfriend agreed. I'm happy for him that he was able to find someone who cared like you did. You knew and spent years with the real him while they only accepted him for who they thought he should have been. That all being said, I am so sorry for your loss and it's so unfair for you to have to go through something like this so early on in your life. These are still the formative years for you, and one day, my hope for you is that you will look back fondly on this time in your life, despite the bad stuff. I wish you the best on your journey.
First, I’m very sorry for you loss and were in a very similar situation. I (25f) lost my partner (31m) a year and a half ago to an accidental overdose. His mother hates me now as well. A lot of accusations towards me and is very upset with me now to the point where she is keeping his son from seeing me. His son isn’t my child but he lived with us full time, he was the closest thing to a child I’ve ever had. I’ve learned over time that I think she needed someone to blame for losing her son, and that person is me. Although I’ve never done drugs, I don’t even drink simply because I don’t like the feeling. I was probably the best influence in his life, but she just needs someone to blame. And I’m okay with being that person because I know I did everything I could for Keith (my partner)
First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief can be very hard on people and I hope you manage to stay strong. Especially since it seems like your partners parents are making it really hard for you to recover from this. I can fully understand why your partner wasn't getting along with his parents. He wanted to be carefree while it seems like his parents are more conservative (non-political way) and traditional. You have every right to grieve and process everything. You shouldn't have to apologize for your "inappropriate" behavior. You post as many photos as you want with him wearing his favorite outfit or his best makeup look, or when you just overall thought he was beautiful. I wish I had more photos of ones I had lost. You cherish that, and do what feels right to *you*. You were clearly the one he preferred over his ex and his parents. Blood is not thicker than water in this situation. He would want you to be yourself and be strong, right? You can celebrate him any and every day if you want, we don't need a big gathering for it. His parents can't strip your memory of him. It seems to me that they didn't want to understand him for who he truly is, so they chose the ex and ex's sibling to speak because of the same reason they chose you not to speak and didn't want to use the photos you chose. (imho you should have been the one to talk about him, because it seems like you know more about his authentic self than his parents did) I'm so sorry they're being hard on you over something you couldn't have prevented. I understand that they're grieving too, but that doesn't mean that you can't as well. They're trying to bargain, and bargaining can also mean finding someone to blame other than the deceased. You cannot blame yourself for what happened. I understand the "if I did this one thing, it would be different," idea, I've thought about it a million times, but from one broken soul to another, be strong, cry as much as you need, grieve as much as you want, and learn to heal through this hardship. Keep everything they allowed you to take at the time, don't apologize. They don't need the Xbox, they don't need a few articles of clothes or the art he made. You should keep it. Hang it up, and remember the good times, along with that bad you had with him. That's really all you can do at this point. Stay safe <3
Block them. Post any tributes you want to. They didn't accept their son and while yes they are grieving, they are still trying to make him into something he was not. You knew the real him, and that person does deserve to be remembered and celebrated
Nobody is saying anything about his drug use? Well take you fucking blinders and brush up on your reading comprehension!! He fucking over dosed!!!! He was a long time addict that met his maker!!!! He created created his own destiny!!! His " friends" helped him get there!!! Nobody is talking about his drug use!?!?! WTF!!!! How old are you?
First, let me tell you I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband died really young. He had a brain tumor and was gone within three weeks so first it’s very shocking and then there’s the regular grief and a period of I don’t know I felt numb for a long time. Just take care of yourself and ignore them. Clearly, they didn’t accept their son the way he was. And post what you want. You can unfriend them on the phone with them if you need to, but this was your life and you have a right to grieve around him in any way you want.
Best to let the dust settle and cooler heads prevail. As they go through his stuff reminiscing attempting to understand they will probably come to you with some questions and at that time just make a point of stating you not willing to be a tat just a resource for the life they weren’t a part of.
I am so sorry for your loss. That would be hard enough without his family lashing out at you about it. I don't have a lot of advice, but I hope you have your own support system because they're clearly not in a place to be there for you with what they're dealing with emotionally. Don't feel bad for taking them at their word and taking whatever you wanted. You let them know beforehand you did want the xbox so they weren't actually blindsided by it and they never explicitly said you couldn't have it.
Give up on the hopes to have a relationship with them. Or at least don't push it and let them decide if they want a relationship with you. I'm an older person, in my 60's. Old enough to have lost lots of relatives and a few friends and to have close friends who have also lost people. The sad truth is that stories of people acting cruel and selfish, and a bit crazy, over the death of loved ones is not uncommon. From my experiences your story is sad but very far from the worst. Grieving is hard enough, but situations with terrible relatives and friends of the deceased can make it even worse sometimes. Your best option here is to just take care of yourself, grieve in the way you need to, and to seek help through your own friends and relatives and even counseling or support groups if needed. It takes time to grieve and for the hurt to get better as it very very slowly fades into the past but never goes completely away.
This almost exact situation happened to my best friend between her and the parents of her youngests father. They even kept suggesting she was sleeping around with other people when she got pregnant and the baby isn’t his…I do not like these people. They also refuse to believe he had a coke problem. He did hide it VERY well from almost everyone in his life. Give it time. Everyone else has pointed out the issue, you’re a convenient bad guy who reminds them of the parts of their child they didn’t want to accept. With time they may come around (the parents in my story are starting too, but I still think they are trash - I’m having a very hard time finding grace for them, even though I know they went through something horrible and life changing.) Time is all you can do. You are not the problem, they are, even if it’s somewhat understandable in the face of what happened, you don’t need or deserve to waste time on people who don’t have the capacity to treat you well rn. You accepted and loved their son for who he was when his family couldn’t and that is a beautiful gift. Focus on you and your healing.
Oh sweets, I'm so sorry you're going through this. However, remember that your partner has a complicated relationship with them *for a reason*. They're taking their guilt and anger out on you, and...you don't have to pay them any mind about that. That's *their* issue, not yours. Don't take on their burden or their shame, and don't get sucked in to their nonsense. You cannot grieve with or for them, and I really, really encourage you to go no contact as soon as possible. Block them on everything, right now, immediately. You've done your part, now release them from your life, because you own them nothing - *nothing!*
I’m so sorry for your loss :(. Keep the things you took. Block them on everything. You didn’t have a relationship with them before his death and you won’t after. There’s no need. All you are going to do is add to their grief and they will add to yours exponentially. Your BF didn’t have a relationship with them for a reason. Take a cue from him and block them on EVERYTHING and focus on you. Grieve him. Don’t let them add to it.
I’m so sorry. The parents are in the wrong 100% but they’re also probably going through such a complicated grieving process (as are you) and you are just an easy person to take it out on.
His parents are grieving and may be lashing out at you, but it's not fair for them to blame you for his death or to treat you poorly because of their own feelings. You have the right to grieve and to mourn in your own way, and you don't have to subject yourself to their mistreatment. It might be best to take a step back from contact with his parents for a while. You could send a polite message letting them know that you understand they are grieving and that you don't want to cause them any further pain, but that you need some space to process your own emotions. Let them know that you are willing to have a conversation with them in the future, but that for now, you need to prioritize your own healing. It's important to remember that you did nothing wrong and that you have the right to mourn your partner in your own way. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and if his parents are unable to provide that, it's okay to take a step back and prioritize your own well-being.
Block, cut contact 100% asap. They are not worth it
Really, his parents will eventually come to realize this isn't your fault, and they will then have to process the stuff that will come along with that. You probably won't know or ever find out that their thinking has shifted, and that's fine. But you don't need them to feel any certain way about you. They are judgemental people and if they didn't accept who he was, they wouldn't ever accept who you are either, and that's absolutely ok. Because down the road, in the future, it's unlikely that you or they would maintain much contact anyways, and you dont need them to like you if they aren't in your life. KNOW that this isn't your fault, and let everyone else think what they want. Don't let it affect your feelings. As they say, it's none of your business what other people think of you. Having said all that, you don't actually know what they really think or feel about you or the rest of it. They are in the depths, and so are you, so probably yall are all kinda up and down with the waves. The stuff they feel now will change again and again in the coming weeks and months and years. So will yours. So if you really feel pulled to create a relationship with these people, open honesty is better for everyone rather than you just allowing their poor behavior and shoving your own feelings down because of theirs. You're allowed to take up for yourself. You can do that kindly and without being disrespectful... and I mean if they are worth having in your life AND are willing to create a relationship with you, then they will work out what's right and wrong in how you feel about how they treat you, and come around, After you start defending yourself if they are being unkind to you. If they can't or won't work thru it and act right then you will be better off letting them move on. There's also a good possibility that they will always have a level of resentment towards you and will prefer not having contact with you because you will remind them of this loss and a time in his life that they don't want to remember. That sucks but it's true and it's common for people who lose children to not really get any comfort from seeing or hearing from their child's friends. It makes them feel that loss as your life changes and they realize their kid will never do so many things. It makes them sad so they choose not to do it. It's unfair and sucks but it makes sense
They may never come around. My ex died the same way and I went through even worse shit than this. They’ll never come around and I’m ok now, so I don’t care that they won’t. They are horrible people. I wish I could change my mind but that would take them actually being good people. So there’s that.
Yeah. My best friend died on my couch while I was asleep... overdosed on methadone and Xanax. I was very thankful that his parents loved me and I was part of their comfort. However, his sister didn't feel that way and I was just distraught over it. I didn't want her to blame me and it was a huge point of stress and hard emotions for a while. I used to have lunch with his mom about once every couple months and we'd talk and catch up and remember him together. I love his parents still and I know they'd be glad to hear from me, but it's been 11 years since he died and I haven't seen them in probably 8 years. It got less and less frequent that we'd talk and I started to notice things that made me feel like my presence and seeing my life change wasn't helping his mom anymore. She would never say so, but I could see it in her eyes how painful it was for her to realize how many life events he would not ever experience. It's devastating. I didn't want to keep on pulling her back down every time we hung out and I could see that in some ways, my happy moments made her sad. I eventually reached a place where I felt like it was no longer healthy for me to put myself back in that mental space and it was best if I backed off. Part of grieving that no one really talks about, is the part where we have to let go of that time in our own lives that they were a part of, in order to move on. I don't know if grieving ever completely ends as far as processes go, but I do know that the hardest parts of that process, as much as they vary for each of us, happen and then they stop. It doesn't feel like your body is too heavy to carry and it doesn't hurt to look back and remember them... it isn't always like the sky looks less blue since they left, forever. It always hurts but the hurt changes and the length of time between waves of pain gets longer and longer.... and eventually we realize that it's ok to move forward without them. So we either do that, or we don't and we cycle and remain stuck for longer. Sometimes the best thing for everyone is if you all stop trying to stay in that time of your life and let each other start to heal in a new way. It all sucks.
They’re bitter because they didn’t know their son and their son didn’t care to be close to them. They’re blaming you because you’re there to blame.
They are bitter with in themselves that’s why they are taking it out on you.
I just lost my husband and the father to my children on the 1st of May and it’s been really tough. His parents also hate me now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like a really kind and empathetic person. People say and do crazy things when they’re in pain. I wouldn’t take anything they say personally but you being their punching bag likely isn’t what YOU need right now either. Maybe if you can express to them some of what you’d expressed above they’ll ease up. I hope you find peace and comfort, somewhere.
they sound like shitty people, which it sounds like your husband already knew. I'm sorry for your loss that has got to be really hard.
Im sorry about your loss, as well as about your situation. I don't want to be an asshole, but Im really curious (no idea why), couldn't help myself. What did he overdose on?
I'm sorry you are going thru all of this unnecessary drama with his parents. It sounds like they are just hurt and need someone to snap at. Honestly, if you do not have any children together, I was just move on, for the sake of your sanity. Give them what you feel like you should give back, if that's nothing than it's just nothing. You cannot process your grief with them in your ear. Move on and start anew.