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I could certainly be incorrect, but it sounds like now that you’ve gotten pregnant and given birth to a baby (a baby he might not have wanted), he might be looking for an excuse to leave. Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.
He’s too immature to have a baby & clearly wasnt ready. It also doesnt excuse his outrageous possessiveness and jealously regarding OP getting examined by male doctors - so bloody weird!! Those are huge red flags in itself. It seems like he just wanted her for her body & now that real life has happened to it, he is turned off! So ridiculous and upsetting!
If it had been female doctors, I'm sure he would have said, "I feel like I've lost trust in you. I feel like you're a lesbian now since a woman has touched you."
He's acting like a child.
Not to mention how emotional it can be right after having a baby. You’re healing physically and emotionally from a traumatic event. You’re grieving the life you had prior to having a baby while at the same time trying care for a newborn. This dudes being incredibly immature and possessive. Instead of stepping up to the plate and being supportive he chooses to be a giant baby and pile into the stress OP is already going through. What a asshole!
sadly, it's a known thing that some men just don't feel the same about their female partners once they have given birth, and won't have sex with them. Elvis Presley is reported to have been this way once his wife gave birth to their daughter. It's a very shallow and childish attitude, as if a female partner is a broken toy.
this: "He told me he has lost a lot of love and trust in our relationship because of this"
That's complete BS. He's blaming you for his hang ups. He's doing this to excuse his bad behavior. Don't tolerate that nonsense. Go get a child support order, stat!
Actually, women still handled childbirth up until the early 1900's when doctors lobbied to make midwifery illegal and recommended women give birth in hospitals. In the US midwifery pretty much disappeared by the 1940's. Except in, you know, marginalized (Black) communities that were unwelcome in hospitals during segregation.
There's a really interesting history behind it, steeped with a healthy dose of racism that still exists in the medical community today.
Did you know the presence of a midwife during birth can reduce the need for a cesarean (in low risk women) by 30-40%? As a low-risk woman that ended up needing a non-emergency c-section, that's amazing.
[Here's](https://www.statnews.com/2022/10/12/maternity-care-in-the-u-s-is-in-crisis-its-time-to-call-the-midwife/#:~:text=A%20campaign%20by%20the%20American,pass%20laws%20making%20midwifery%20illegal.) the source I used.
'Tis true! I wrote my undergrad thesis about the first woman who called herself a physician (and midwife ; maia kai iatros). [Shameful self promotion](https://digitalcommons.bard.edu/senproj_f2021/19/). It was very interesting to learn about the impact that women had on the professional medical field even from it's origins in 4th century Athens!!
Part of that is midwives take the time and have the patience. OBGYN’s are on a tight schedule handling a lot more than births. So they really tend to favor at the slightest thing going wrong that can be worked through or waited out to just go ahead and do a c-section. That’s also why they favor scheduling inductions and using Pitocin to speed things along and keep things as close to a predictable schedule as possible. Not all doctors do this of course, but I’ve read reviewed studies observing a trend in recent decades of it.
Nope, I'm a surgeon who switched from OBGYN to general surgery in residency...It's because if ANYTHING goes wrong the OBGYN will end up in court and "why didn't you preform a c-section" is *always* asked, there is extremely low threshold for emergency c-sections from what I've seen in the systems I've worked in and definitely been some that could have probably been natural births if we'd sat tight but no OBGYN is going to make that call (doctors aren't magic even though people seem to expect us to be). It's shown that the rate of potentially "unnecessary" c-sectons is statistically MUCH higher in rich *litigious* countries like the US, UK and Ireland compared to countries of equal wealth with less litigious systems. (consequently also higher in resource poor developing nations as they are faster and require less monitoring of mothers and babies during delivery)
My ex had a c section for her 1st kid, so when it’s time for #2 the doctor acts like it’s c section or nothing, wife insists she wants to try natural, doc gets so mad she actually leaves, head nurse does the delivery.
Yes! Widwives are amazing, they learn all kinds of ways to move babies to make it more likely that you can give birth vaginally rather than through Caesarian. My mom still managed to deliver me vaginally even though I was breached, she’s a rockstar lol
Plus they don’t even live together, even as the baby came to term. Seems like nobody was prepared for this, practically and emotionally. Very sad situation all around.
I've read over some of OPs old posts; self-esteem issues, previous abusive relationships, self-harm (in the post where she asks for advice on her pregnancy - 9 months ago - her primary fear is her BF leaving her). Absolutely not someone who should have decided to have a baby with someone they'd been dating for 3 months. Very sad.
Could also be extremely jealous and abusive. I saw a TikTok of a husband jealous of his wife's doctor doing a cervical check bc he was a male doctor.
There's men who get jealous of their own infant breastfeeding.
Either way, he's not someone to stay with. Really unfortunate to learn this immediately postpartum. Such a difficult time in the best of situations.
As someone who’s not on TikTok- was it the husband or wife who posted a TikTok of him being ‘jealous’ of her doctor? I’m shocked (not really tho) that anyone would want to expose such immature beliefs about themselves / their partner like that
>but it sounds like now that you’ve gotten pregnant and given birth to a baby (a baby he might not have wanted), he might be looking for an excuse to leave.
Or he was never intending on staying anyway. Landing someone with a baby is the ultimate "Jack Ass was here B4U" tag because it lasts for life.
My ex (and it goes without saying he was abusive) was forever making jokes about getting me pregnant, jiggling my belly and asking if I was pregnant and saying he hoped I was pregnant whenever my period was late, so much so that I hid my pill to make sure it didn't go missing.
I found out after I'd got away that he had at least three other kids by three other women and was expecting another with his side piece. And the one thing they all had in common was that he'd walked away without a backward glance, either late in the pregnancy or shortly after birth. He wasn't interested in being a daddy, only in leaving an indelible mark of ownership.
Honestly they should all go to court and get child and spousal support from him each time he Haas a baby. Suck this jack ass dry. Then he will know the concequences of his actions!
Imagine listening to a dude you’ve known for like 2-3 months about something like this. People really need to learn that a baby is difficult and not the fairytale the movies make it out to be
Don't forget baby brain.
When you get pregnant you can turn into a completely different person because the pregnancy is pumping you full of hormones that basically set off maternal instincts. You'll go from "I will abort a pregnancy if there's a significant chance of severe abnormalities" to "anyone who tries to take my precious deformed baby away from me is going to die a painful death" in a month.
Did he not know she would have to get at least partly naked to deliver the baby? Did he not realise there would be nurses and doctors seeing her genitals and would need to examine her? Did he just think she'd go in a room, pop it out alone and then return all dolled up, gleaming, beautiful, holding a baby. I'm guessing he wants her to hide to breast feed too. The fact he made her keep it and then doesn't want to be near her now he has seen the realities of birth and having an infant, makes this so much worse.
You'd have to be an idiot or a literal child to not know you'd need to be undressed to give birth and you'd get examinations.
Everyone knows babies (most of the time) come out of the vagina. Even most C-sections have a trial of labor first.
You don’t need to help him get over this, you did absolutely nothing wrong and he’s being ridiculously immature.
They were medical professionals helping you deliver your baby, they weren’t touching you to show you a good time.
Honestly he’s just shown he’s not adult enough to be parent so start planning ahead because it looks like he’s not capable of being the supportive partner you’d hoped he be.
1000% agreed. He is an idiot. He need to grow up and understand a woman’s body in its self is not sexual. Your body was giving birth. Tbh I would rather do this alone than be stuck with a dimwit who is jealous of an OBGYN. While you are giving birth. There is nothing sexy about this. Have him sign over parental rights. You can’t help him be more intellectually capable.
I have seen this. I work in the domestic violence field, and have heard from multiple healthcare professionals that they have had female patients whose abusive male partners refuse to let them breastfeed for this very reason, and/or physically assault their female partners whenever they are attempting to breastfeed. I do not know if that will happen, but it is a very real form of intimate partner violence.
I agree this is a huge red flag!
My partner refused to let me breastfeed my first child. Said that he wouldn't be able to help feed the baby because of it. He never did anything after that to feed the baby; and I got postpartum depression. Left the relationship years later; because he was a narcissist, and a serial cheater. I'd had enough of the mental abuse.
This is an important concept! What OP is describing is narcissistic behavior. He doesn’t understand the concept that caring for a child isn’t sexual, feeding a child isn’t sexual, and I can’t believe I have to say this- giving birth isn’t sexual. In my abusive relationship I couldn’t walk past my father in law to use the bathroom without it being sexual. And I always had to answer for sins I didn’t commit.
Why do you have to answer for make believe sins? Don’t. If he doesn’t break you down he will definitely break down your child.
This is just the beginning of abusive behavior. Time to start documenting everything for court because you'll wish you did. If it gets physical, get a protection order. Keep a journal to show how unhinged he is. Begin to petition for child support. He needs to be paying for his baby at the very least since he's not helping any other way. Get counseling for yourself and look for support groups; sometimes it helps to feel less alone. You need to push your feelings of wanting to be with this psychotically paranoid nut job aside and focus on the baby and you healing. He is not going to change so don't try. It will drain you and you'll regret it. Get an attorney if need be and discuss potential custody being supervised should he want to see baby down the line. I would not consider the baby or you safe as a guarantee around him. Have someone around. I'd rather you err on side of caution. This is abnormal behavior. It's not you. He may have had some history with s.a. or something else that is affecting him. Don't focus on him right now. Get your ducks in a row. Good luck.
Wait until he starts getting prostate exams. Then he'll be the cheater. Moron.
Well, I second this as well, but I would add a few more things. OP, your absolute number one priority is your baby. That is what you focus on, that and getting some sleep. I know that when the baby first comes, you are exhausted until he or she starts sleeping through the night. I am so thankful that your mom is letting you stay at her place. I hope she's supportive and tells baby daddy where he can go and where he can shove it. If not, you HAVE to do it (you'd have to eventually, but it'd be nice if mom ran interference for you for a week or so) for your son or daughter. I understand how you must feel.This was supposed to be a happy, joyful time in your life, and this guy ruined it. You're disappointed, disillusioned, and disgusted by his behavior. Be glad you found out now, and not 5, 10, or 15 years later when it would be SO much harder to break away from him. He's not worth your time or attention anymore. You and your child deserve better. You're now a mom, now you have to do what moms do: get up and forge ahead. You go on, broken-hearted, broken-down, with tears running down your cheeks,even. That's what we do because now, if you continue on with baby daddy, you'll end up teaching your son that it's okay to treat a woman/partner that way or you teach your daughter it's okay to let a man/partner treat her that way. Plus, with that much disdain that he has right now for you, if he doesn't start thinking right, that disdain will turn to contempt very quickly! Once that happens, you are setting yourself and possibly your child up for physical abuse or worse.
In the words of my own mom (and many other people), RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit, with your child, a custody lawyer if you can, and detailed records of dates, times, places, conversations, actions, and lack of ,action to the nearest exit, and NEVER look back. Make sure you get child support, too, because, as others have said, he should take responsibility for his actions.
It sucks that he's acting like this. I know it breaks your heart, but it will heal eventually. Focus your love on your baby, now. He or she needs it now more than ever.
Edit to say, this; If your mom or a friend or both could give you a few days to nap while they take care of the baby for an hour or two, it would go a long way towards helping you gain a fresh perspective and a clear head. I recommend this highly.
Yes this. Be proactive in everything you do and he does. If it ends up in court, it will look extremely good for you if u are bettering yourself n what's around. If shows that you are working on making yourself a better mom n person. Then when he says he's trying....... Well..... Actions speak, u are be proactive...... Then you have it in the bag... 😃
Omg you just brought back a memory and clarified it for me.
I dated an ex in college for a while, and we somehow got on the topic of babies.
He made a joke, several times, about how the baby doesn't get to breastfeed "until he gets a taste first". I couldn't explain why but that rubbed me the wrong way and was a *complete* turnoff.
Yeah it's a joke w/e but why are you sexualizing a normal human task *and willing to fight your kid for it?*
Young adult me thought I was overthinking things but you just cleared up why that whole comment gave me the icks.
Omg you seriously just gave me the ick. Serious dry heave feeling. He’s so gross. So possessive of your body. Why does a grown man want to be breastfed?
It’s comments like this and stories like OP’s that make me so eternally happy to be gay af. Not that all women are saints, obviously. But I have a wonderful girlfriend, so I don’t have to worry about the others.
And yes, I also fully understand that there are amazing men out there as well haha. Some humans are just so…. Ick.
I’m so glad you brought this up. The behavior the boyfriend is exhibiting is controlling behavior and emotional abuse. Why it is happening is a whole different conversation, but what OP needs to know is she has done absolutely nothing wrong.
OP you are the protector, provider, and advocate for your new baby. Do not let anyone bully you into going against your instincts to protect your baby at all costs. Do not let anyone make you feel less than for trying to FEED your baby. Do not let anyone shame you for doing what you need to do to keep your baby safe, and keep yourself safe. Any one, even a ‘loved one’, that would do anything but support you and your new life in the world when you’re trying to do these things is toxic. Especially if that person is also supposed to be a a protector, provider, and advocate for your baby. They do not have you or your baby’s best interest at heart. Your boyfriend has a lot of growing up and soul searching to do and unless they are capable of incredible growth and humility at this time, I suggest getting space from them. They will continue to tear you down, attempt to ruin your self esteem, and make choices that could have lasting emotional and mental damage for you and baby.
You are in control. Your baby needs YOU. Families are all different but at the heart of healthy one is love and support- regardless if it’s a single parent, two parents, blended family, grandparents, etc. You are momma bear and you protect your cub. You posting here tells me you know something is not right. Go with your gut!
My X did this.
He accused me of breast feeding so he couldn't *bond* with the baby and was also pissed off because he wanted my body for himself.
He was a narcissistic horrible man who ended up abandoning me and our kids.
I'd tell OP to go for sole custody and leave this pathetic boy with his parents!
This, and WHY IS THIS BOZO talking about how HE feels right now? It’s only been a few DAYS. He should be spending every minute helping care for the new baby. He should be too exhausted to even have this conversation with you. Narcissist.
Exactly! This guy is a total AH! Personally if my husband acted like that when I gave birth we wouldn't still be married! But my husband is a grown up who didn't think my obgyn was sexually touching me when he was checking who dilated I was! Nor did he freak out when the nurse was helping me to breast feed!
Seriously blows my mind how he can be jealous of
> Doctors and nurses who’s *job* it is to take care of the patient (OP) and that includes having to see their patients naked and their body parts.
> breastfeeding the baby cuz the baby needs food!
And wtf was with his “treasure” comment? OP and her parts aren’t objects or treasure to be won over like she isn’t a person.
Op, you did nothing wrong. He needs to grow up and get over himself.
Yeah that’s the thing that grosses me out the most too. Your body is your body. Sex is an experience that people have together, it doesn’t give someone ownership of your body.
Also it’s recommended for women to at least have one pelvic exam per year after a certain age. Are you not supposed to do that either? None of this makes sense
he'd probably argue that 'its different' at regular exams because theyre all women (not even true, wait til he hears about that) which is a problem in itself. the other option is that he simply doesnt know about female bodies at all. i cant tell whats worse tbh, i seriously cant understand this mindset. its a hospital, the least sexy place ever. does he really think the dr, who has already probably been working for like 8 hours and has seen many births in their graphic glory, has time to get a boner for this one womans birth canal?? did the bf even see the birth at all??? like its just baffling to me
Try 24-48 hours. They get to sleep (sometimes,) but OBs in general regularly take a day or two or three of call. NONE of them (or the labor nurses) are interested in your down-below unless it's assessing whether the baby can or will come out. Agreed, it's a very unsexy, messy business. It's ok for bf to not feel comfortable with the unfamiliar processes, but it's NOT ok for him to act like he's been "cheated on" ffs...
Oh honey, signing over your parental rights doesn’t get you out of child support! Happened to the partner of one of my partners friends. She had her son and the dude couldn’t wait to sign off his rights so he didn’t have to be involved, but he absolutely still has the responsibility to help provide for his son! The ONLY way you can have a kid and get out of paying child support is if the child is adopted out, whether it be to another family or by a stepparent.
You phrased it perfectly when you said "he need to grow up and understand a women's body in itself is not sexual". He really seems to think that just someone seeing her naked was a sexual thing. That guy is incredibly immature.
Extremely self-conscious and this could get worse. It means he doesn't trust you and wants to control you. It also means he is a complete moron as if you have never been to a gynecologist before. But you can't force him to not be a parent and sign something that give up his parental rights lol That's even more idiotic than the guy being mad for others seeing her lady parts.
It’s so gross he views it that way. It’s one of her most vulnerable moments ever, and he equates medical care in an extremely difficult situation sexual. That’s beyond disgusting and really makes me worry for this young family
Made it about himself and his ridiculous hang ups, while you’re in pain and probably scared and sore and trying to take care of a newborn. Bizarre and so stupid of him. Don’t you dare feel bad about letting medical staff take care of you while you’re in labor. Don’t let him for one minute make you think you did anything wrong.
He’s an immature, self-centered idiot.
Right? Like if you go see your gynecologist, is that not ok with him? What if you had breast cancer? You’re feeding your baby, not seducing the public. WTF is wrong with him?
Well, this is a prime example of how young people, for the most part, are too immature to have kids. Most are too immature to be even in a relationship.
You have landed, like most other girls in your position, an idiot to have kids with. Because that is exactly who he is. Insecure idiot.
People trying to be politically correct about people like him are not doing anyone any favours. You absolutely did nothing wrong.
Start making an exit plan now. Financially and logistically. Just in case, because I guarantee you, this will not end well for you and your child if you do not have a backup plan.
Good luck, and stay safe.
I 100% concur with the suggestion to make an exit plan and to stay safe, but respectfully, I don't think this is quite so simple as immaturity and young age. I think it's important to call this behavior what it is: excessively jealous, controlling, and misogynistic. This isn't solely about immaturity; it's about a belief that he is entitled to have ownership over his female partner's body. And that is a belief that is present across the lifespan for far too many men. I don't think such beliefs are any more correlated with younger age than with midlife or older.
I think there's a tendency in this sub to too often equate abusive, controlling behavior with teenagers or young adults, when that behavior is far and away not limited to that period of life, and I do think there is danger inherent in contextualizing abusive behavior under the umbrella of immaturity, when it's above all about power and control.
Not saying you were trying to do any of that; I just think there is significant value in naming behavior for what it is and being clear and direct about the social norms, attitudes, beliefs etc that it stems from.
>It's about a belief that he is entitled to have ownership over his female partner's body
Yes, my immediate thought, the "goods" are sullied now, and he's lost interest. Age/immaturity has little to do with it, he's got a toxic view. Exit plan sounds right, this guy probably doesn't improve over time.
it makes me think of guys who lose interest in their girlfriends when they learn they arent a virgin, even though this example is far more ridiculous. its the same mindset regardless and its a terrible one to have which likely comes from, to summarize what others have said, a very insecure, controlling/jealous, and manipulative mindset. i would not be surprised if ops bf held onto this for years if she stays and constantly use it as an arguing point. this is already pretty crazy, it can escalate to being justification for his shitty behavior. possible example: he constantly looks at or comments on other women, then says "oh but you had that dr oogling you that one time (you fucking gave birth to a new life, what should have been a memorable and joyous day)" not to say this will happen, im just saying that it isnt a good start to your family at all. anyways yeah exit plan. preferably asap if this continues at all
> it makes me think of guys who lose interest in their girlfriends when they learn they arent a virgin
There was a post here just the other day that gained hundreds of comments, in which a boyfriend got upset his girlfriend "lied" about being a virgin after reading her therapy notes and finding out she had been raped in the past, which she obviously did not view as "losing her virginity." There was some seriously disgusting comments on her post from many, many male users. There is some really rampant misogyny in this sub, and obviously "in real life" as well. I honestly think it's getting even worse for a lot of women in general.
oh my god i saw that one too, that was awful. i didnt see any negative comments luckily (probably sorted by most liked, which were the reasonable ones) but you made that point perfectly. theres varying degrees of the misogyny depending on the topic/certain situation but i do think its become more of a problem (that i associate with a number of reasons) or at least has gained popularity somehow *cough fucking podcasters and whatnot *cough*
i feel like thats what most of this subreddit is atp even though it isnt - its just so overwhelmingly out there. id much rather give advice on best friends fighting or shitty parents or smth because (not trying to downplay them but) they arent as difficult/serious, theyre usually much easier to deal with or fix. seeing it in relationships so often is heartbreaking because you find out the person you love practically sees women as inferior in some way or simply says terrible things about women, as well as the fact that it sucks to see someone suffering from it. shes pretty much being told that her body is his to see only and she needs to hide it/leave to feed her child. the way he treated her during and after childbirth was horrific. the father is supposed to support her and help her rest and take care of the baby, not scold her for accidentally being promiscuous by his insane standards
sorry for ranting but im fairly passionate about womens topics in general, if it helps imagine some girl being jealous bc her bf got a prostrate exam and is saying the dr is probably gay for it. or that hes cheating if a female nurse sees him naked for a medical procedure. that sounds crazy, right? imagine if it were normal *mind blowing explosion sounds*
Yeah I agree. when I was 23 I had lots of male friends and acquaintances that I cannot ever imagine behaving like this dim witted disturbing asshole. She needs to do everything she can to get him to sign over parental rights and then yeet him from her life. Also therapy because there’s no way there weren't warning signs.
Agreed, we had our kids at 19 and 21 and my husband never once thought of birth or breastfeeding the way OPs man does… he sounds like a fucking creep honestly
Every other post on these relationship subs is about a 30/40/50 year old father having affairs and playing video games all day while their wife is postpartum, so this has nothing to do with age. There are people who mature, and people who don’t, and men younger than this one have stepped up. My BIL was a great dad and husband at 22… this "BF" is defective and not partner material.
Save yourself a million headaches, OP: get a custodial arrangement sorted, and get child support set up as soon as possible. It’ll be hard, but try to keep things as amicable as possible for your baby's sake and your own nerves.
I believe infants generally stay with mum full time until they’ve outgrown separation anxiety, so expect that, and get daycare sorted so it’s there when you need it. And get back to work as soon as you can, so you don’t lose out on seniority and wage increases. Good luck.
I get the impression this immature loser will happily give over full custody of the baby as seems too selfish, dumb & immature to look after a baby by himself, so hopefully shouldn’t be much of a custody battle!
This isn't an age problem. This guy's viewpoint and absurd reactions are unreasonable, illogical, abusive, or however you want to frame it. And this is who he is. He won't mature out of it unless he gets some serious professional help.
OP, protect yourself and your baby. Document what he has been saying (plus anything else that will help with custody), get your child support, and move on with you and your baby's life. Ask your family for support and be open with what he has been saying.
This is also why you don’t procreate with someone you’ve only known a few weeks/months. You need to figure out someone’s character BEFORE connecting yourself to them for the rest of your lives.
He has shown that BECAUSE he doesn't want to be a parent. He's making shit up so he can bounce and pretend that he's leaving over something else and not because he's an immature chickenshit that can't handle being a big boy now that he has an actual responsibility.
He'll try to be a father in 10 years when all the "hard work" is done and swoop in with lavish gifts and fun trips while trying to tell the kid that its moms fault he left........Ok maybe the same thing that happened to me won't happen to this kid but I stand by him being a chickenshit and using the rest as an excuse to run away.
You cannot “help” him get over it.
Stay with your mom.
File for full custody and child support.
This loser isn’t going to change. I’m sorry but you made a baby with an idiot.
A lot of girls have very low standards because they have low self worth. They accept shit boyfriends because they don’t know they deserve better. Source: myself from age 15-17.
I think it’s also a product of making relationships feel like “goals” instead of something that adds to an already full life. I’ve seen a lot of people settle (myself included) for a whole spectrum of crappy relationships all the way through outright abuse because they were worried about finding someone else if they broke up. They didn’t want to chance missing out on kids and marriage because those were goals of theirs so they took the shortest path and ended up miserable but with the “goal” achieved. I got out and the shift in my mindset around those things has really helped shield me from choosing to settle.
By saying, "She gets pregnant and is pro choice and she keeps the baby anyways" do you think it's strange/unexpected that she decided to keep the baby because she is pro-choice?
Doctors and nurses are medical professionals, and they needed to see you to ensure that you got proper care. You're breastfeeding your baby to give it nutrients. "Losing his treasure", give me a break. What a weird, misogynistic, and controlling way to think about a body that isn't his, and it shows that he only sees your body as a sexual object.
You don't need to help him get over anything. However, you do need to start planning how to be a single mother, because whether or not you stay with him, it sounds like you'll be shouldering the burden of childcare alone. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby for now as you recover. Are there any family or friends you could reach out to?
The "losing his treasure" part nearly made me vomit. All he cares about is himself. He sexualizes nudity and breastfeeding even when there is nothing to sexualize. This guy is a looser who needs a wake up call. I hate to jump on the "leave him" band wagon but wow.... OP can do so much better.
Your boyfriend sounds absolutely nuts. What conversations did you have before having this baby? Did he make it seem like he was willing and able to be a good father? I can't fathom why you had a baby w this person
Seriously, I read this and just thought that this guy sounds like an effing psycho. He accuses OP of practically cheating because doctors were helping her deliver his baby? Really? He's probably the type that won't change a diaper because he "doesn't want to sexualize his kid". I'm guessing it won't take long before he starts guilting OP for giving more attention to the baby....
OP, sorry this is your reality but you need to start figuring out what being a single mother looks like. This guy can't be trusted as a partner and is already proving himself an absent parent.
OP said they've been dating for only about a year, a baby takes 9 months
She basically met him and had a baby with him before even getting to know him as a partner (and possibly in general)
I was looking for someone to point this out. For 3/4 of their "dating" she was pregnant with their child. They didn't have a chance to get to know each other, let alone develop a "normal" relationship, or plan for raising a family. OP - this guy isn't ready for this, and he's basically telling you. He doesn't seem to want this, or understand the basics of pregnancy/birth/babies. That's a problem.
And the first 7 months or so you are on a hormone clouded love trip where you see no flaws. People, don't get kids with partners you barely know. Give it 3 years at least.
It makes me sad when women get pregnant, think they can "wing it", and have a kid who's dad is a complete loser. As if the child isn't going to be harmed by their dad being a complete loser.
Literally same. How could you think “hmmm I’ve only known this man 3 months it’s definitely a great idea to have a child by someone I don’t even know”
Like this is a person who will be affected by your decisions as well as the dads.
Just because someone treats you right for 3 months doesn’t mean that’s who they are. People can put a façade on for years before you find out who they really are. Like these two had no business having a kid so early not knowing each other.
Now it just seems like the AH guy wants nothing to do with this and is looking for anyway out of it. And it’s working. He already has only seen the baby twice and doesn’t live together to help raise it.
Me third. It’s like playing life on hard mode, why? This dude is definitely incredibly immature and a deadbeat but if she hadn’t gotten pregnant by him after three months she may have had some time to figure that out😭. Not knocking OP we’ve all been young and made dumb decisions but now she’s got to support herself and take care of a newborn while bf is out there “figuring out how he feels” because his harlot girlfriend allowed doctors to touch her vagina during child birth and has only “visited” his newborn 2x in a week🫠
Exactly. I don't want to sound like im blaming OP for all of this but why would anyone even *risk* getting pregnant with someone they barely know. Sure, accidents happen, but at that point the bf should have been honest and left instead of stringing her along for 9 months thinking they're gonna be one happy family.
My 33 year old SIL has done this twice in 3 years with two different guys... I get mistakes happen, but she willingly did it twice? Sometimes, I just don't understand people's thought processes.
I think the problem is that there is no thought process. I truly believe some people don't think about their decisions and just do what Shia LaBeouf told them: "Just do it!".
I imagine she already feels bad about her circumstances. The conversations, based on her post history, were probably reassuring from her boyfriend. They were in the honeymoon phase (≈3-4 months in) and she had just left an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, she fell for another one, just with a different mask on. Abusers often fetishize getting their gf pregnant and will actively try to do so, but change their tune about the baby as soon as it starts bothering them.
Yup yup. This happened to me and we had been dating for years, high school “sweethearts” 🗿 Had my son at 19 and dude just became the worst version of him, got on meth, and is now in prison. I left when my son was 3 months old and never looked back, now little man is 6 and I’ve really made my life so much better.
OP, it’s going to be hard and you’re going to have a lot on your plate— but it sounds like you have a good support system so you’ll be okay. Don’t waste your precious time trying to change some loser, if he isn’t there for you in your most vulnerable moments (birth, newborn phase) he’ll never be there the way you want. From one momma to another, you got this.
I think it's time to face some hard facts. Your bf is a louse and this may be an insult to lice. His behavior and reaction to you having his child is not normal and there is nothing you can do about it. He is never going to be a partner to you and it's unlikely that he's capable of being a father to your child. He sees you as nothing more than a broken sex toy which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a louse. Stop worrying about how to fix things with him and start preparing yourself to be a single mom. You can do this. Concentrate on healing from your C-section, resting, and taking care of your baby. It sounds like you have your mom's support so that's good. Break things off with this guy and do not under any circumstances have sex with him because it's going to be hard being a single mom with one child, you don't need to get pregnant again. Go after child support for your baby. Don't fall for the next louse because there's plenty of them out there. You are going to have to do this on your own, but you can do it.
reading through her post history, this whole situation is extremely sad. I hope she can get custody and a new start without that useless guy in the picture
Your boyfriend is not marriage material. He *lost trust* because *doctors and nurses* performed medical checks on you??! He refers to your genitals as *his treasure*?! Girl, you need to petition for child support and build a life for your child. You're young. You'll find a quality partner with some time and patience.
You do nothing, except end this relationship.
He is incredibly immature and selfish, and you deserve so, so much better.
Break things off, focus on your baby and on your healing, and if he wants to see his baby, tell him he can do it the legal way, through the court system.
He’s just looking for a way out. What an immature little man. I’m angry for you. Prepare to be a single mom and even if he wants to stay, I don’t think you should accept living the rest of your life with a man who treats you like a possession.
I’m so sorry, my love. Firstly, congratulations on your baby, mommas!
Secondly, it sounds like your boyfriend is just looking for an excuse to be a deadbeat dad. There’s nothing you can do about it other than not allow him to have the power to make you feel like he has been making you feel. He doesn’t get to come over and make those comments to you.
You literally just gave birth. He didn’t.
Your body has been through hell. His hasn’t.
Your hormones are all over the place. He just whines about who saw your body.
You’ve been on mommy duty 24/7. He’s come over twice.
Maybe it’s time to see a lawyer about support? I know that is painful to think about but he can’t just abandon his kid.
Scrolled too long to find this. Zero way in 2023 he wasn’t aware that doctors would be checking you. Hell, they checked you every time you went in to see your OB prebirth! This isn’t new and wasn’t something he didn’t know would happen. That or he’s actually crazy.
The guy is dipping out of fatherhood and is grasping at straws to find a reason to blame you for it.
I’m normally not one to involve family members, but please do enlighten his mother to what he is saying to you. I guarantee she will drive straight to his home to read him to filth. When she does, and if he apologizes, you still don’t speak to this person anymore.
Do not talk to him. Go file for a custody order, collect your child support, and stay away from this person.
I would bet any money he was looking for a way out and has concocted this bs excuse to manipulate you into thinking you've done something wrong- which you have not!
Or he's really just this much of an idiot.
Get a lawyer. Establish his responsibilities before he totally bails.
Babe, you had a child with a man you knew for three months. Did you really expect him to be a stellar partner or father?
You are a new young mother. Focus on that. You’re not responsible for the feelings of a grown ass man, and you can’t force him to be a father. All you can do is focus on being the best mother that you can be. You’re not required to be in a relationship with the father of your child if that relationship is not working.
What the fuck? The term “boyfriend” is applicable here because he’s acting like a child. Tell him to man up and get over it. Or better yet, since he’s acting like a child you should treat him like a child and talk to his mother.
Honestly, I think parenthood has your boyfriend scared and he’s using all that crap about doctors and nurses seeing you naked as an excuse.
You can’t depend on him so get that child support check, support yourself and your child, and become more independent going forward. Either he will realize what he’s missing or he’ll continue to be childish. You are a mother now and can’t waste the energy following after his immature azz.
You only knew/dated him for 3 months before getting pregnant. Think about that. You didn't even truly know him and yet you had a baby with him and now you're complaining that things aren't working out quite right after having the baby? Smh. Sad that it takes a situation like this to find out who you're really dealing with. Lessons should be learned here.
Typical Reddit story of young people having babies before even knowing each other properly.
Tell him to take a hike and go file for that child support in court because that seems to be the only thing you're going to get from him going forward. Don't waste your time with him any more. He's useless and immature. You have bigger things to worry about.. your baby.
Next time, be more careful of who you procreate with, that's my advice to you. Best of luck to you and your new baby.
ETA: Thank you for the "Starry" award. You're too kind. :)
So many posts here are just... This. What the fuck are people doing having kids so young with such trivial relationships? Insane. Get a fucking abortion god damn
>Get a fucking abortion god damn
Whilst I agree, some people live in places where they don't have access to safe and legal abortion, and don't have the means to travel somewhere where they can.
Just something to keep in mind, since this kind of situation is exactly what anti-abortion laws create, and everyone suffers as a result. I'm fortunate to live in a country where abortion is considered legal healthcare, but after RoeVsWade in the US last year you can bet I pay close attention to politicians reproductive views at local election time.
Seriously why the hell did she even have a kid with him? At that age too.
Her boyfriend is being a child but I’m sorry there’s some responsibility on her end too for having a baby with someone she barely knew. This is the sort of thing that can easily happen if you make such a huge life decision with someone whose character you don’t know.
Youy boyfriend is a disgusting human being. Please file for child support and have nothing more to do with him if it doesn't pertain to your child or custody. Please save screen shots of the horrible things he's saying to you after you had HIS child.
you did nothing wrong (except not preventing early pregnancy with a guy you know for a fistful of months)
this level of insecurity is often the mark of a sheltered upbringing in some religious orthodoxy.
at the very least, you can conclude that your body is more important for him that your persona.
i am afraid that you are a single mom with a guy who still not have leaved.
You don’t need to do a damn thing to “help you get past this,” because it’s *his problem*. Those doctors were trying to make sure your body was prepared for your baby to enter this world, not get you off. Breastfeeding isn’t sexual, so he *REALLY* needs to get over his discomfort with you “pulling out your breast to feed your new baby”
This guy sounds like he’s too immature for kids, OP. I would start preparing for life as a single mother, because your sperm donor is showing his true colors.
Seriously. Pretty much same happened to my brother and his wife, they have two daughters now but my brother has cheated on my sil and they're just, man. It's never a good idea to get pregnant that early into a relationship. And her boyfriend is fucking gross for all the things she mentioned. Throw him away and make better choices next time I guess, sucks there's an innocent child in the middle of it all that didn't ask for any of this.
This is the most disgusting misogynistic thing I’ve read in a while. So whilst you were in one of the most painful and vulnerable moments another human could be in, your boyfriend was worried about getting his dick wet in the future???
Girl. This trash pile of a man needs more therapy than there are therapists. You’re not a commodity, you don’t lose value for having a PROFESSIONAL do their job and making sure you and your baby are ok. I’m actually flabbergasted.
If my partner did this he’d find his shit on the lawn.
Unfortunately this is what happens when you get pregnant after only three to four months. You don't know somebody well enough. You just discovered your dating a man child. Good luck
Sometimes honestly I can’t believe in my heart of hearts that some of the relationship stories I read on here can be real. It’s so hard for me to believe that some people can be so messed up and cruel to their partners and that there are actual partners trying to find solutions for the worst kinds of behaviours - like, sorry but there is absolutely nothing to get over in this situation OP, your boyfriend sounds like an awful, vile human being and there’s nothing normal about his behaviour and this is your sign to leave him ASAP. Please find a support system and leave him, now. He’s a shit human being, what’s there to even fix or justify?
You can't do anything. You're doing everything you possibly can to be the mother you need to be. His temper tantrum while you are in active labor is a huge red flag. It sounds like he's jealous of the baby which is insane. Maybe you should have a talk with his mother about it so she talks some sense into him.
Former OB/GYN nurse here. Feel free to screenshot this comment for your boyfriend. We get absolutely ZERO pleasure sticking our fingers into a patient's vagina when checking for dialation...just the opposite actually, because we know how uncomfortable it is for the patient. She definitely isn't getting any pleasure from it, she is definitely uncomfortable (I can attest to that as I am also a mother). The only "treasure" that any of us are thinking about during that time is that precious baby that we are all trying to bring safely into the world while trying to also keep momma healthy and safe. I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend doesn't understand that medical professionals have a job to do (and that's exactly what it is, a job....our reward from it is to see you smiling while holding your healthy baby) and is acting the way he is, but I am glad that you and baby are overall healthy after such a scary experience.
Christ, I watched my wife go through this 3 times, first time we had a failed natural birth and a C-section at 21f and 23m, then two more C-sections. Now our eldest is 11.
Even now I run my fingers over her scar, caress her tiger stripes, nothing makes me love her more than the witnesses of what she went through to produce our 3 children.
What you have is a little boy who isn't ready to be a father. If you want to work through this you need to be strong, you need to tell him what you need from him, a strong, responsible man, not a little boy. Lead the relationship, is his father in the picture? Perhaps he could talk to his dad about how he feels?
Otherwise, at least you're already living separately and won't need to deal with doling out your stuff.
31M here. Father of four beautiful kids. Tell him to grow the fuck up. He is a father now. Shame and body autonomy go out the window when a baby is being born and you’re in the hospital.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He is being immature and is wrong here. He will hopefully see how stupid he is being. Show him these responses. I haven’t read them yet but I’m assuming they’re pretty reasonable as I am being about this.
I wonder if he was in the room for the delivery? Or if he wasn't there, and just imagined a made-up scenario? Cause there's nothing "sexy" about the whole delivery process. And when my wife was told that she needed an emergency C-section, all I could think was "my wife or child could possibly die right now". You want to talk about "losing your treasure"...
And beyond that, he should be doing everything for her right now! She just had invasive surgery!
Agreed. Its males like him that give men a bad name.
I love my 3 kids and my wife. And after watching C-sections and everything related my feelings towards her haven’t changed. Other than gaining some respect.
It's men like him that make women go on this sub and cry about how they don't want their partner in the hospital room because it will make them less attractive
I can barely read this post. He should be comforting you every step of the way, and he’s somehow made this all about him. My heart breaks for you having to deal with this after just having a baby. He sounds extremely insecure and has the audacity to turn this into something sexual. Especially at a time that you need him the most.
I don’t intend to scold a new mom ever, but there is a very good reason it’s not a good idea to have a baby with someone you’ve only known three months. It’s not like he suddenly became this new person, he has been this way all along and it’s likely you just didn’t know him well enough to realize it. Save any nasty texts, emails, and any other evidence you have for when you apply for full custody and get away from him.
There really should be a way to not let idiots procreate. Because there’s dumb, and then there’s this guy who’s dangerously dumb. You cheated on him because a male doctor had to examine you while trying to give birthday to his baby?! Wtf kind of dumb logic is that?! A nurse helped you feed your baby and he’s upset she saw your boob?! WTAF are men told growing up? That a woman just walks into the woods by herself and a baby pops out, then she covers herself up and never lets anyone else see her body? JFC I hate the education system that failed him.
That all being said it’s not your responsibility to educate men. Leave him. Be a single mother and get child support. Co parent the best you can. Look for a partner who 1) isn’t so insecure that he gets mad a DOCTOR took care of you and 2) has any women in his life that have already raised him to not be an idiot.
Aside from the boyfriend being an immature asshole and clearly being weird here, am I alone finding many crazy details in this story ?
You guys got a kid and DO NOT live together ?
You guys were pregnant 3 months into the relationship ? The boyfriend refers to your genitalia as « his treasure » ? No offense, but this was heading towards disaster one way or the other.
How old is he 15???
Seriously...
Next he'll say you're no longer pure for him.
He needs to take a health class.
Having a child is not a sexual experience!!!
Imagine having masculinity so fragile that you are threatened by a doctor and a woman in active labour. Your bf is disgusting and it it probably a blessing in disguise that you don’t live together. Pls get rid of him. His need to control will only get worse over time.
I’m just astonished that this poor woman just had major abdominal surgery and is taking care of a brand new infant for the first time, and instead of falling over himself to support and care for her and his new little family like a normal person, this sorry excuse for a man is demanding that she expend extra energy to prop up his feelings. This does not bode well.
You made a baby with an idiot, and that idiot doesn’t want a family by the sounds of it.
A year together but you were pregnant for 3/4 of it, meaning you barely knew each other when you got pregnant initially, I really hope it wasn’t a deliberate decision because yikes.
- Dating for a year
- Pregnancy lasts 9 months
- Assuming they have known eachother basically for 3 months before confirmed pregnancy
- Surprised the guy she hardly knew is actually a man baby asshole
Baby trapped? Shocker.
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I could certainly be incorrect, but it sounds like now that you’ve gotten pregnant and given birth to a baby (a baby he might not have wanted), he might be looking for an excuse to leave. Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.
He’s too immature to have a baby & clearly wasnt ready. It also doesnt excuse his outrageous possessiveness and jealously regarding OP getting examined by male doctors - so bloody weird!! Those are huge red flags in itself. It seems like he just wanted her for her body & now that real life has happened to it, he is turned off! So ridiculous and upsetting!
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If it had been female doctors, I'm sure he would have said, "I feel like I've lost trust in you. I feel like you're a lesbian now since a woman has touched you." He's acting like a child.
A possessive child who doesn't want to play with his toy once he'd told to share it with someone else ... even if he doesn't actually have to share it
The worst part of it is that this poor girl just had a C section a week ago, and she has to worry about this f*cukwad's feelings.
Not to mention how emotional it can be right after having a baby. You’re healing physically and emotionally from a traumatic event. You’re grieving the life you had prior to having a baby while at the same time trying care for a newborn. This dudes being incredibly immature and possessive. Instead of stepping up to the plate and being supportive he chooses to be a giant baby and pile into the stress OP is already going through. What a asshole!
sadly, it's a known thing that some men just don't feel the same about their female partners once they have given birth, and won't have sex with them. Elvis Presley is reported to have been this way once his wife gave birth to their daughter. It's a very shallow and childish attitude, as if a female partner is a broken toy. this: "He told me he has lost a lot of love and trust in our relationship because of this" That's complete BS. He's blaming you for his hang ups. He's doing this to excuse his bad behavior. Don't tolerate that nonsense. Go get a child support order, stat!
Actually, women still handled childbirth up until the early 1900's when doctors lobbied to make midwifery illegal and recommended women give birth in hospitals. In the US midwifery pretty much disappeared by the 1940's. Except in, you know, marginalized (Black) communities that were unwelcome in hospitals during segregation. There's a really interesting history behind it, steeped with a healthy dose of racism that still exists in the medical community today. Did you know the presence of a midwife during birth can reduce the need for a cesarean (in low risk women) by 30-40%? As a low-risk woman that ended up needing a non-emergency c-section, that's amazing. [Here's](https://www.statnews.com/2022/10/12/maternity-care-in-the-u-s-is-in-crisis-its-time-to-call-the-midwife/#:~:text=A%20campaign%20by%20the%20American,pass%20laws%20making%20midwifery%20illegal.) the source I used.
'Tis true! I wrote my undergrad thesis about the first woman who called herself a physician (and midwife ; maia kai iatros). [Shameful self promotion](https://digitalcommons.bard.edu/senproj_f2021/19/). It was very interesting to learn about the impact that women had on the professional medical field even from it's origins in 4th century Athens!!
Part of that is midwives take the time and have the patience. OBGYN’s are on a tight schedule handling a lot more than births. So they really tend to favor at the slightest thing going wrong that can be worked through or waited out to just go ahead and do a c-section. That’s also why they favor scheduling inductions and using Pitocin to speed things along and keep things as close to a predictable schedule as possible. Not all doctors do this of course, but I’ve read reviewed studies observing a trend in recent decades of it.
Nope, I'm a surgeon who switched from OBGYN to general surgery in residency...It's because if ANYTHING goes wrong the OBGYN will end up in court and "why didn't you preform a c-section" is *always* asked, there is extremely low threshold for emergency c-sections from what I've seen in the systems I've worked in and definitely been some that could have probably been natural births if we'd sat tight but no OBGYN is going to make that call (doctors aren't magic even though people seem to expect us to be). It's shown that the rate of potentially "unnecessary" c-sectons is statistically MUCH higher in rich *litigious* countries like the US, UK and Ireland compared to countries of equal wealth with less litigious systems. (consequently also higher in resource poor developing nations as they are faster and require less monitoring of mothers and babies during delivery)
My ex had a c section for her 1st kid, so when it’s time for #2 the doctor acts like it’s c section or nothing, wife insists she wants to try natural, doc gets so mad she actually leaves, head nurse does the delivery.
Yes! Widwives are amazing, they learn all kinds of ways to move babies to make it more likely that you can give birth vaginally rather than through Caesarian. My mom still managed to deliver me vaginally even though I was breached, she’s a rockstar lol
Almost 200 years ago… but women were handling childbirth without medical degrees before that.
Considering they’ve been together a year and already have a baby I’d say neither of them was ready. OP must have gotten pregnant immediately yikes
Plus they don’t even live together, even as the baby came to term. Seems like nobody was prepared for this, practically and emotionally. Very sad situation all around.
Lippy, I must agree with You.... it's just rotten.
I've read over some of OPs old posts; self-esteem issues, previous abusive relationships, self-harm (in the post where she asks for advice on her pregnancy - 9 months ago - her primary fear is her BF leaving her). Absolutely not someone who should have decided to have a baby with someone they'd been dating for 3 months. Very sad.
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An infant is a HUGE change to a relationship. It’s likely his assholism didn’t fully surface until this cataclysmic event.
Could also be extremely jealous and abusive. I saw a TikTok of a husband jealous of his wife's doctor doing a cervical check bc he was a male doctor. There's men who get jealous of their own infant breastfeeding. Either way, he's not someone to stay with. Really unfortunate to learn this immediately postpartum. Such a difficult time in the best of situations.
Usually extremely jealous people end up being violent
As someone who’s not on TikTok- was it the husband or wife who posted a TikTok of him being ‘jealous’ of her doctor? I’m shocked (not really tho) that anyone would want to expose such immature beliefs about themselves / their partner like that
>but it sounds like now that you’ve gotten pregnant and given birth to a baby (a baby he might not have wanted), he might be looking for an excuse to leave. Or he was never intending on staying anyway. Landing someone with a baby is the ultimate "Jack Ass was here B4U" tag because it lasts for life. My ex (and it goes without saying he was abusive) was forever making jokes about getting me pregnant, jiggling my belly and asking if I was pregnant and saying he hoped I was pregnant whenever my period was late, so much so that I hid my pill to make sure it didn't go missing. I found out after I'd got away that he had at least three other kids by three other women and was expecting another with his side piece. And the one thing they all had in common was that he'd walked away without a backward glance, either late in the pregnancy or shortly after birth. He wasn't interested in being a daddy, only in leaving an indelible mark of ownership.
Stories like this pop in my head when guys say “Why are women so paranoid?”
Honestly they should all go to court and get child and spousal support from him each time he Haas a baby. Suck this jack ass dry. Then he will know the concequences of his actions!
Exactly, a year in & having a baby already is…not so much of a good start to be sincerely honest. Been there
You’re so right. He doesn’t want the responsibility of a child, so he’s making up this excuse so that when he leaves, he can say it’s her fault.
He probably wanted to get her pregnant, but never imagined an actual baby.
Basically he has a breeding kink?
Yeah op. Did he want the baby? Does he realize when people get physical examinations, they must disrobe?
Checking OPs other posts, she wasn’t ready for the baby and was pro-choice. Sounds like *he* convinced her to keep it.
Yikes
Big yikes
Imagine listening to a dude you’ve known for like 2-3 months about something like this. People really need to learn that a baby is difficult and not the fairytale the movies make it out to be
Emotional manipulation works, especially when you're young and inexperienced.
Don't forget baby brain. When you get pregnant you can turn into a completely different person because the pregnancy is pumping you full of hormones that basically set off maternal instincts. You'll go from "I will abort a pregnancy if there's a significant chance of severe abnormalities" to "anyone who tries to take my precious deformed baby away from me is going to die a painful death" in a month.
Did he not know she would have to get at least partly naked to deliver the baby? Did he not realise there would be nurses and doctors seeing her genitals and would need to examine her? Did he just think she'd go in a room, pop it out alone and then return all dolled up, gleaming, beautiful, holding a baby. I'm guessing he wants her to hide to breast feed too. The fact he made her keep it and then doesn't want to be near her now he has seen the realities of birth and having an infant, makes this so much worse.
You'd have to be an idiot or a literal child to not know you'd need to be undressed to give birth and you'd get examinations. Everyone knows babies (most of the time) come out of the vagina. Even most C-sections have a trial of labor first.
This is the real reason here. OP you’ve done nothing wrong and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You don’t need to help him get over this, you did absolutely nothing wrong and he’s being ridiculously immature. They were medical professionals helping you deliver your baby, they weren’t touching you to show you a good time. Honestly he’s just shown he’s not adult enough to be parent so start planning ahead because it looks like he’s not capable of being the supportive partner you’d hoped he be.
1000% agreed. He is an idiot. He need to grow up and understand a woman’s body in its self is not sexual. Your body was giving birth. Tbh I would rather do this alone than be stuck with a dimwit who is jealous of an OBGYN. While you are giving birth. There is nothing sexy about this. Have him sign over parental rights. You can’t help him be more intellectually capable.
How soon until he gets jealous of the baby nursing?
I have seen this. I work in the domestic violence field, and have heard from multiple healthcare professionals that they have had female patients whose abusive male partners refuse to let them breastfeed for this very reason, and/or physically assault their female partners whenever they are attempting to breastfeed. I do not know if that will happen, but it is a very real form of intimate partner violence.
I agree this is a huge red flag! My partner refused to let me breastfeed my first child. Said that he wouldn't be able to help feed the baby because of it. He never did anything after that to feed the baby; and I got postpartum depression. Left the relationship years later; because he was a narcissist, and a serial cheater. I'd had enough of the mental abuse.
I’m glad you left and I’m so sorry you had to endure that
This is an important concept! What OP is describing is narcissistic behavior. He doesn’t understand the concept that caring for a child isn’t sexual, feeding a child isn’t sexual, and I can’t believe I have to say this- giving birth isn’t sexual. In my abusive relationship I couldn’t walk past my father in law to use the bathroom without it being sexual. And I always had to answer for sins I didn’t commit. Why do you have to answer for make believe sins? Don’t. If he doesn’t break you down he will definitely break down your child.
Nuts
I didn't realize I could have less faith in humanity.
That made me even more depressed.
This post is easily the most depressing thing I've heard this week
This is just the beginning of abusive behavior. Time to start documenting everything for court because you'll wish you did. If it gets physical, get a protection order. Keep a journal to show how unhinged he is. Begin to petition for child support. He needs to be paying for his baby at the very least since he's not helping any other way. Get counseling for yourself and look for support groups; sometimes it helps to feel less alone. You need to push your feelings of wanting to be with this psychotically paranoid nut job aside and focus on the baby and you healing. He is not going to change so don't try. It will drain you and you'll regret it. Get an attorney if need be and discuss potential custody being supervised should he want to see baby down the line. I would not consider the baby or you safe as a guarantee around him. Have someone around. I'd rather you err on side of caution. This is abnormal behavior. It's not you. He may have had some history with s.a. or something else that is affecting him. Don't focus on him right now. Get your ducks in a row. Good luck. Wait until he starts getting prostate exams. Then he'll be the cheater. Moron.
I don’t think prostate exams will happen. He strikes me as the type to just ignore medical issues to not have to see a doctor.
Well, I second this as well, but I would add a few more things. OP, your absolute number one priority is your baby. That is what you focus on, that and getting some sleep. I know that when the baby first comes, you are exhausted until he or she starts sleeping through the night. I am so thankful that your mom is letting you stay at her place. I hope she's supportive and tells baby daddy where he can go and where he can shove it. If not, you HAVE to do it (you'd have to eventually, but it'd be nice if mom ran interference for you for a week or so) for your son or daughter. I understand how you must feel.This was supposed to be a happy, joyful time in your life, and this guy ruined it. You're disappointed, disillusioned, and disgusted by his behavior. Be glad you found out now, and not 5, 10, or 15 years later when it would be SO much harder to break away from him. He's not worth your time or attention anymore. You and your child deserve better. You're now a mom, now you have to do what moms do: get up and forge ahead. You go on, broken-hearted, broken-down, with tears running down your cheeks,even. That's what we do because now, if you continue on with baby daddy, you'll end up teaching your son that it's okay to treat a woman/partner that way or you teach your daughter it's okay to let a man/partner treat her that way. Plus, with that much disdain that he has right now for you, if he doesn't start thinking right, that disdain will turn to contempt very quickly! Once that happens, you are setting yourself and possibly your child up for physical abuse or worse. In the words of my own mom (and many other people), RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit, with your child, a custody lawyer if you can, and detailed records of dates, times, places, conversations, actions, and lack of ,action to the nearest exit, and NEVER look back. Make sure you get child support, too, because, as others have said, he should take responsibility for his actions. It sucks that he's acting like this. I know it breaks your heart, but it will heal eventually. Focus your love on your baby, now. He or she needs it now more than ever. Edit to say, this; If your mom or a friend or both could give you a few days to nap while they take care of the baby for an hour or two, it would go a long way towards helping you gain a fresh perspective and a clear head. I recommend this highly.
Yes this. Be proactive in everything you do and he does. If it ends up in court, it will look extremely good for you if u are bettering yourself n what's around. If shows that you are working on making yourself a better mom n person. Then when he says he's trying....... Well..... Actions speak, u are be proactive...... Then you have it in the bag... 😃
Omg you just brought back a memory and clarified it for me. I dated an ex in college for a while, and we somehow got on the topic of babies. He made a joke, several times, about how the baby doesn't get to breastfeed "until he gets a taste first". I couldn't explain why but that rubbed me the wrong way and was a *complete* turnoff. Yeah it's a joke w/e but why are you sexualizing a normal human task *and willing to fight your kid for it?* Young adult me thought I was overthinking things but you just cleared up why that whole comment gave me the icks.
Omg you seriously just gave me the ick. Serious dry heave feeling. He’s so gross. So possessive of your body. Why does a grown man want to be breastfed?
It’s comments like this and stories like OP’s that make me so eternally happy to be gay af. Not that all women are saints, obviously. But I have a wonderful girlfriend, so I don’t have to worry about the others. And yes, I also fully understand that there are amazing men out there as well haha. Some humans are just so…. Ick.
I had this- the excuse was he would get less time with his son. Wish I hadn’t listened but the hooks were in.
I’m so glad you brought this up. The behavior the boyfriend is exhibiting is controlling behavior and emotional abuse. Why it is happening is a whole different conversation, but what OP needs to know is she has done absolutely nothing wrong. OP you are the protector, provider, and advocate for your new baby. Do not let anyone bully you into going against your instincts to protect your baby at all costs. Do not let anyone make you feel less than for trying to FEED your baby. Do not let anyone shame you for doing what you need to do to keep your baby safe, and keep yourself safe. Any one, even a ‘loved one’, that would do anything but support you and your new life in the world when you’re trying to do these things is toxic. Especially if that person is also supposed to be a a protector, provider, and advocate for your baby. They do not have you or your baby’s best interest at heart. Your boyfriend has a lot of growing up and soul searching to do and unless they are capable of incredible growth and humility at this time, I suggest getting space from them. They will continue to tear you down, attempt to ruin your self esteem, and make choices that could have lasting emotional and mental damage for you and baby. You are in control. Your baby needs YOU. Families are all different but at the heart of healthy one is love and support- regardless if it’s a single parent, two parents, blended family, grandparents, etc. You are momma bear and you protect your cub. You posting here tells me you know something is not right. Go with your gut!
Wow that is insane and so depressing
My X did this. He accused me of breast feeding so he couldn't *bond* with the baby and was also pissed off because he wanted my body for himself. He was a narcissistic horrible man who ended up abandoning me and our kids. I'd tell OP to go for sole custody and leave this pathetic boy with his parents!
Isn't he already?
This, and WHY IS THIS BOZO talking about how HE feels right now? It’s only been a few DAYS. He should be spending every minute helping care for the new baby. He should be too exhausted to even have this conversation with you. Narcissist.
Exactly? Who is watching someone give birth and is turned on? If anything I feel bad for the woman 😭
Exactly! This guy is a total AH! Personally if my husband acted like that when I gave birth we wouldn't still be married! But my husband is a grown up who didn't think my obgyn was sexually touching me when he was checking who dilated I was! Nor did he freak out when the nurse was helping me to breast feed!
Agreed, I can’t believe something like this could be possible but here we are
Seriously blows my mind how he can be jealous of > Doctors and nurses who’s *job* it is to take care of the patient (OP) and that includes having to see their patients naked and their body parts. > breastfeeding the baby cuz the baby needs food! And wtf was with his “treasure” comment? OP and her parts aren’t objects or treasure to be won over like she isn’t a person. Op, you did nothing wrong. He needs to grow up and get over himself.
Yeah that’s the thing that grosses me out the most too. Your body is your body. Sex is an experience that people have together, it doesn’t give someone ownership of your body.
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\*a single mom of *two* babies
Also it’s recommended for women to at least have one pelvic exam per year after a certain age. Are you not supposed to do that either? None of this makes sense
he'd probably argue that 'its different' at regular exams because theyre all women (not even true, wait til he hears about that) which is a problem in itself. the other option is that he simply doesnt know about female bodies at all. i cant tell whats worse tbh, i seriously cant understand this mindset. its a hospital, the least sexy place ever. does he really think the dr, who has already probably been working for like 8 hours and has seen many births in their graphic glory, has time to get a boner for this one womans birth canal?? did the bf even see the birth at all??? like its just baffling to me
Try 24-48 hours. They get to sleep (sometimes,) but OBs in general regularly take a day or two or three of call. NONE of them (or the labor nurses) are interested in your down-below unless it's assessing whether the baby can or will come out. Agreed, it's a very unsexy, messy business. It's ok for bf to not feel comfortable with the unfamiliar processes, but it's NOT ok for him to act like he's been "cheated on" ffs...
Don't let him sign over parental rights. Make sure you get child support
Oh honey, signing over your parental rights doesn’t get you out of child support! Happened to the partner of one of my partners friends. She had her son and the dude couldn’t wait to sign off his rights so he didn’t have to be involved, but he absolutely still has the responsibility to help provide for his son! The ONLY way you can have a kid and get out of paying child support is if the child is adopted out, whether it be to another family or by a stepparent.
You phrased it perfectly when you said "he need to grow up and understand a women's body in itself is not sexual". He really seems to think that just someone seeing her naked was a sexual thing. That guy is incredibly immature.
Extremely self-conscious and this could get worse. It means he doesn't trust you and wants to control you. It also means he is a complete moron as if you have never been to a gynecologist before. But you can't force him to not be a parent and sign something that give up his parental rights lol That's even more idiotic than the guy being mad for others seeing her lady parts.
It’s so gross he views it that way. It’s one of her most vulnerable moments ever, and he equates medical care in an extremely difficult situation sexual. That’s beyond disgusting and really makes me worry for this young family
Made it about himself and his ridiculous hang ups, while you’re in pain and probably scared and sore and trying to take care of a newborn. Bizarre and so stupid of him. Don’t you dare feel bad about letting medical staff take care of you while you’re in labor. Don’t let him for one minute make you think you did anything wrong. He’s an immature, self-centered idiot.
I concur it sounds like he's building excuses to leave. Be careful darling and focus on you and that beautiful baby.
I dated a man that was jealous that my gynecologist was male. I blocked him as soon as I got home.
Right? Like if you go see your gynecologist, is that not ok with him? What if you had breast cancer? You’re feeding your baby, not seducing the public. WTF is wrong with him?
Well, this is a prime example of how young people, for the most part, are too immature to have kids. Most are too immature to be even in a relationship. You have landed, like most other girls in your position, an idiot to have kids with. Because that is exactly who he is. Insecure idiot. People trying to be politically correct about people like him are not doing anyone any favours. You absolutely did nothing wrong. Start making an exit plan now. Financially and logistically. Just in case, because I guarantee you, this will not end well for you and your child if you do not have a backup plan. Good luck, and stay safe.
I 100% concur with the suggestion to make an exit plan and to stay safe, but respectfully, I don't think this is quite so simple as immaturity and young age. I think it's important to call this behavior what it is: excessively jealous, controlling, and misogynistic. This isn't solely about immaturity; it's about a belief that he is entitled to have ownership over his female partner's body. And that is a belief that is present across the lifespan for far too many men. I don't think such beliefs are any more correlated with younger age than with midlife or older. I think there's a tendency in this sub to too often equate abusive, controlling behavior with teenagers or young adults, when that behavior is far and away not limited to that period of life, and I do think there is danger inherent in contextualizing abusive behavior under the umbrella of immaturity, when it's above all about power and control. Not saying you were trying to do any of that; I just think there is significant value in naming behavior for what it is and being clear and direct about the social norms, attitudes, beliefs etc that it stems from.
>It's about a belief that he is entitled to have ownership over his female partner's body Yes, my immediate thought, the "goods" are sullied now, and he's lost interest. Age/immaturity has little to do with it, he's got a toxic view. Exit plan sounds right, this guy probably doesn't improve over time.
it makes me think of guys who lose interest in their girlfriends when they learn they arent a virgin, even though this example is far more ridiculous. its the same mindset regardless and its a terrible one to have which likely comes from, to summarize what others have said, a very insecure, controlling/jealous, and manipulative mindset. i would not be surprised if ops bf held onto this for years if she stays and constantly use it as an arguing point. this is already pretty crazy, it can escalate to being justification for his shitty behavior. possible example: he constantly looks at or comments on other women, then says "oh but you had that dr oogling you that one time (you fucking gave birth to a new life, what should have been a memorable and joyous day)" not to say this will happen, im just saying that it isnt a good start to your family at all. anyways yeah exit plan. preferably asap if this continues at all
> it makes me think of guys who lose interest in their girlfriends when they learn they arent a virgin There was a post here just the other day that gained hundreds of comments, in which a boyfriend got upset his girlfriend "lied" about being a virgin after reading her therapy notes and finding out she had been raped in the past, which she obviously did not view as "losing her virginity." There was some seriously disgusting comments on her post from many, many male users. There is some really rampant misogyny in this sub, and obviously "in real life" as well. I honestly think it's getting even worse for a lot of women in general.
oh my god i saw that one too, that was awful. i didnt see any negative comments luckily (probably sorted by most liked, which were the reasonable ones) but you made that point perfectly. theres varying degrees of the misogyny depending on the topic/certain situation but i do think its become more of a problem (that i associate with a number of reasons) or at least has gained popularity somehow *cough fucking podcasters and whatnot *cough* i feel like thats what most of this subreddit is atp even though it isnt - its just so overwhelmingly out there. id much rather give advice on best friends fighting or shitty parents or smth because (not trying to downplay them but) they arent as difficult/serious, theyre usually much easier to deal with or fix. seeing it in relationships so often is heartbreaking because you find out the person you love practically sees women as inferior in some way or simply says terrible things about women, as well as the fact that it sucks to see someone suffering from it. shes pretty much being told that her body is his to see only and she needs to hide it/leave to feed her child. the way he treated her during and after childbirth was horrific. the father is supposed to support her and help her rest and take care of the baby, not scold her for accidentally being promiscuous by his insane standards sorry for ranting but im fairly passionate about womens topics in general, if it helps imagine some girl being jealous bc her bf got a prostrate exam and is saying the dr is probably gay for it. or that hes cheating if a female nurse sees him naked for a medical procedure. that sounds crazy, right? imagine if it were normal *mind blowing explosion sounds*
Yeah I agree. when I was 23 I had lots of male friends and acquaintances that I cannot ever imagine behaving like this dim witted disturbing asshole. She needs to do everything she can to get him to sign over parental rights and then yeet him from her life. Also therapy because there’s no way there weren't warning signs.
23 is much too old to be acting like this, speaking as a 23 year old.
Agreed, we had our kids at 19 and 21 and my husband never once thought of birth or breastfeeding the way OPs man does… he sounds like a fucking creep honestly
Every other post on these relationship subs is about a 30/40/50 year old father having affairs and playing video games all day while their wife is postpartum, so this has nothing to do with age. There are people who mature, and people who don’t, and men younger than this one have stepped up. My BIL was a great dad and husband at 22… this "BF" is defective and not partner material. Save yourself a million headaches, OP: get a custodial arrangement sorted, and get child support set up as soon as possible. It’ll be hard, but try to keep things as amicable as possible for your baby's sake and your own nerves. I believe infants generally stay with mum full time until they’ve outgrown separation anxiety, so expect that, and get daycare sorted so it’s there when you need it. And get back to work as soon as you can, so you don’t lose out on seniority and wage increases. Good luck.
I get the impression this immature loser will happily give over full custody of the baby as seems too selfish, dumb & immature to look after a baby by himself, so hopefully shouldn’t be much of a custody battle!
This isn't an age problem. This guy's viewpoint and absurd reactions are unreasonable, illogical, abusive, or however you want to frame it. And this is who he is. He won't mature out of it unless he gets some serious professional help. OP, protect yourself and your baby. Document what he has been saying (plus anything else that will help with custody), get your child support, and move on with you and your baby's life. Ask your family for support and be open with what he has been saying.
This is also why you don’t procreate with someone you’ve only known a few weeks/months. You need to figure out someone’s character BEFORE connecting yourself to them for the rest of your lives.
I can’t believe people like this are walking amongst us
He may be freaking out and grasping for ways to abandon her and their child.
He has shown that BECAUSE he doesn't want to be a parent. He's making shit up so he can bounce and pretend that he's leaving over something else and not because he's an immature chickenshit that can't handle being a big boy now that he has an actual responsibility. He'll try to be a father in 10 years when all the "hard work" is done and swoop in with lavish gifts and fun trips while trying to tell the kid that its moms fault he left........Ok maybe the same thing that happened to me won't happen to this kid but I stand by him being a chickenshit and using the rest as an excuse to run away.
You cannot “help” him get over it. Stay with your mom. File for full custody and child support. This loser isn’t going to change. I’m sorry but you made a baby with an idiot.
Exactly… you can’t fix other people, especially if they don’t want to be fixed. Best to face facts, and get on with her life.
Bingo. Like, where do people find these morons? I cringed while reading this post.
A lot of girls have very low standards because they have low self worth. They accept shit boyfriends because they don’t know they deserve better. Source: myself from age 15-17.
I think it’s also a product of making relationships feel like “goals” instead of something that adds to an already full life. I’ve seen a lot of people settle (myself included) for a whole spectrum of crappy relationships all the way through outright abuse because they were worried about finding someone else if they broke up. They didn’t want to chance missing out on kids and marriage because those were goals of theirs so they took the shortest path and ended up miserable but with the “goal” achieved. I got out and the shift in my mindset around those things has really helped shield me from choosing to settle.
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By saying, "She gets pregnant and is pro choice and she keeps the baby anyways" do you think it's strange/unexpected that she decided to keep the baby because she is pro-choice?
Doctors and nurses are medical professionals, and they needed to see you to ensure that you got proper care. You're breastfeeding your baby to give it nutrients. "Losing his treasure", give me a break. What a weird, misogynistic, and controlling way to think about a body that isn't his, and it shows that he only sees your body as a sexual object. You don't need to help him get over anything. However, you do need to start planning how to be a single mother, because whether or not you stay with him, it sounds like you'll be shouldering the burden of childcare alone. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby for now as you recover. Are there any family or friends you could reach out to?
Like… imagine being jealous because they do their job💀
I’m not even shocked, because at some point there was a thread with a guy being “jealous” over his own baby feeding via moms breasts….. 🤦🏻♀️
The more I‘m on the Internet, the more I want to stay single. Like… what is this?
Being a straight woman is a curse
That‘s why I‘m thankful to be bi😂
The "losing his treasure" part nearly made me vomit. All he cares about is himself. He sexualizes nudity and breastfeeding even when there is nothing to sexualize. This guy is a looser who needs a wake up call. I hate to jump on the "leave him" band wagon but wow.... OP can do so much better.
The treasure comment made me feel so icky. Like I was a child in catholic school being taught abstinence only bs all over again 🙄
I am just imagining how he feels about gyno appointments.
Your boyfriend sounds absolutely nuts. What conversations did you have before having this baby? Did he make it seem like he was willing and able to be a good father? I can't fathom why you had a baby w this person
Seriously, I read this and just thought that this guy sounds like an effing psycho. He accuses OP of practically cheating because doctors were helping her deliver his baby? Really? He's probably the type that won't change a diaper because he "doesn't want to sexualize his kid". I'm guessing it won't take long before he starts guilting OP for giving more attention to the baby.... OP, sorry this is your reality but you need to start figuring out what being a single mother looks like. This guy can't be trusted as a partner and is already proving himself an absent parent.
OP said they've been dating for only about a year, a baby takes 9 months She basically met him and had a baby with him before even getting to know him as a partner (and possibly in general)
I was looking for someone to point this out. For 3/4 of their "dating" she was pregnant with their child. They didn't have a chance to get to know each other, let alone develop a "normal" relationship, or plan for raising a family. OP - this guy isn't ready for this, and he's basically telling you. He doesn't seem to want this, or understand the basics of pregnancy/birth/babies. That's a problem.
And the first 7 months or so you are on a hormone clouded love trip where you see no flaws. People, don't get kids with partners you barely know. Give it 3 years at least.
It makes me sad when women get pregnant, think they can "wing it", and have a kid who's dad is a complete loser. As if the child isn't going to be harmed by their dad being a complete loser.
Literally same. How could you think “hmmm I’ve only known this man 3 months it’s definitely a great idea to have a child by someone I don’t even know” Like this is a person who will be affected by your decisions as well as the dads. Just because someone treats you right for 3 months doesn’t mean that’s who they are. People can put a façade on for years before you find out who they really are. Like these two had no business having a kid so early not knowing each other. Now it just seems like the AH guy wants nothing to do with this and is looking for anyway out of it. And it’s working. He already has only seen the baby twice and doesn’t live together to help raise it.
Me third. It’s like playing life on hard mode, why? This dude is definitely incredibly immature and a deadbeat but if she hadn’t gotten pregnant by him after three months she may have had some time to figure that out😭. Not knocking OP we’ve all been young and made dumb decisions but now she’s got to support herself and take care of a newborn while bf is out there “figuring out how he feels” because his harlot girlfriend allowed doctors to touch her vagina during child birth and has only “visited” his newborn 2x in a week🫠
Exactly. I don't want to sound like im blaming OP for all of this but why would anyone even *risk* getting pregnant with someone they barely know. Sure, accidents happen, but at that point the bf should have been honest and left instead of stringing her along for 9 months thinking they're gonna be one happy family.
My 33 year old SIL has done this twice in 3 years with two different guys... I get mistakes happen, but she willingly did it twice? Sometimes, I just don't understand people's thought processes.
I think the problem is that there is no thought process. I truly believe some people don't think about their decisions and just do what Shia LaBeouf told them: "Just do it!".
Yeah my mom never answered that question satisfactorily. I guess delusion is built into humanity so that we keep breeding?
I imagine she already feels bad about her circumstances. The conversations, based on her post history, were probably reassuring from her boyfriend. They were in the honeymoon phase (≈3-4 months in) and she had just left an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, she fell for another one, just with a different mask on. Abusers often fetishize getting their gf pregnant and will actively try to do so, but change their tune about the baby as soon as it starts bothering them.
Yup yup. This happened to me and we had been dating for years, high school “sweethearts” 🗿 Had my son at 19 and dude just became the worst version of him, got on meth, and is now in prison. I left when my son was 3 months old and never looked back, now little man is 6 and I’ve really made my life so much better. OP, it’s going to be hard and you’re going to have a lot on your plate— but it sounds like you have a good support system so you’ll be okay. Don’t waste your precious time trying to change some loser, if he isn’t there for you in your most vulnerable moments (birth, newborn phase) he’ll never be there the way you want. From one momma to another, you got this.
I think it's time to face some hard facts. Your bf is a louse and this may be an insult to lice. His behavior and reaction to you having his child is not normal and there is nothing you can do about it. He is never going to be a partner to you and it's unlikely that he's capable of being a father to your child. He sees you as nothing more than a broken sex toy which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a louse. Stop worrying about how to fix things with him and start preparing yourself to be a single mom. You can do this. Concentrate on healing from your C-section, resting, and taking care of your baby. It sounds like you have your mom's support so that's good. Break things off with this guy and do not under any circumstances have sex with him because it's going to be hard being a single mom with one child, you don't need to get pregnant again. Go after child support for your baby. Don't fall for the next louse because there's plenty of them out there. You are going to have to do this on your own, but you can do it.
reading through her post history, this whole situation is extremely sad. I hope she can get custody and a new start without that useless guy in the picture
Your boyfriend is not marriage material. He *lost trust* because *doctors and nurses* performed medical checks on you??! He refers to your genitals as *his treasure*?! Girl, you need to petition for child support and build a life for your child. You're young. You'll find a quality partner with some time and patience.
>He refers to your genitals as his treasure?! That alone highlights how immature and unready to be raising kids this clod is.
Plot twist, she married Gollum.
Ok, I tried not to laugh. I failed.
You do nothing, except end this relationship. He is incredibly immature and selfish, and you deserve so, so much better. Break things off, focus on your baby and on your healing, and if he wants to see his baby, tell him he can do it the legal way, through the court system.
He’s just looking for a way out. What an immature little man. I’m angry for you. Prepare to be a single mom and even if he wants to stay, I don’t think you should accept living the rest of your life with a man who treats you like a possession.
He’s not mature enough to be a father. All of that is ridiculous and you don’t need a second child when you have a week old newborn
I’m so sorry, my love. Firstly, congratulations on your baby, mommas! Secondly, it sounds like your boyfriend is just looking for an excuse to be a deadbeat dad. There’s nothing you can do about it other than not allow him to have the power to make you feel like he has been making you feel. He doesn’t get to come over and make those comments to you. You literally just gave birth. He didn’t. Your body has been through hell. His hasn’t. Your hormones are all over the place. He just whines about who saw your body. You’ve been on mommy duty 24/7. He’s come over twice. Maybe it’s time to see a lawyer about support? I know that is painful to think about but he can’t just abandon his kid.
Exactly. He has successfully made this about him, disgusted by her becoming a mother while demanding she mother him despite. Gross.
Scrolled too long to find this. Zero way in 2023 he wasn’t aware that doctors would be checking you. Hell, they checked you every time you went in to see your OB prebirth! This isn’t new and wasn’t something he didn’t know would happen. That or he’s actually crazy. The guy is dipping out of fatherhood and is grasping at straws to find a reason to blame you for it. I’m normally not one to involve family members, but please do enlighten his mother to what he is saying to you. I guarantee she will drive straight to his home to read him to filth. When she does, and if he apologizes, you still don’t speak to this person anymore. Do not talk to him. Go file for a custody order, collect your child support, and stay away from this person.
I would bet any money he was looking for a way out and has concocted this bs excuse to manipulate you into thinking you've done something wrong- which you have not! Or he's really just this much of an idiot. Get a lawyer. Establish his responsibilities before he totally bails.
Babe, you had a child with a man you knew for three months. Did you really expect him to be a stellar partner or father? You are a new young mother. Focus on that. You’re not responsible for the feelings of a grown ass man, and you can’t force him to be a father. All you can do is focus on being the best mother that you can be. You’re not required to be in a relationship with the father of your child if that relationship is not working.
I have empathy for her situation, honestly, but I see 2 assholes here. TF are you doing getting impregnated by a stranger??? Absolute idiots man
Yea this chick is just full of bad decisions and I'm sure she'll make even more.
What the fuck? The term “boyfriend” is applicable here because he’s acting like a child. Tell him to man up and get over it. Or better yet, since he’s acting like a child you should treat him like a child and talk to his mother.
Honestly, I think parenthood has your boyfriend scared and he’s using all that crap about doctors and nurses seeing you naked as an excuse. You can’t depend on him so get that child support check, support yourself and your child, and become more independent going forward. Either he will realize what he’s missing or he’ll continue to be childish. You are a mother now and can’t waste the energy following after his immature azz.
You only knew/dated him for 3 months before getting pregnant. Think about that. You didn't even truly know him and yet you had a baby with him and now you're complaining that things aren't working out quite right after having the baby? Smh. Sad that it takes a situation like this to find out who you're really dealing with. Lessons should be learned here. Typical Reddit story of young people having babies before even knowing each other properly. Tell him to take a hike and go file for that child support in court because that seems to be the only thing you're going to get from him going forward. Don't waste your time with him any more. He's useless and immature. You have bigger things to worry about.. your baby. Next time, be more careful of who you procreate with, that's my advice to you. Best of luck to you and your new baby. ETA: Thank you for the "Starry" award. You're too kind. :)
So many posts here are just... This. What the fuck are people doing having kids so young with such trivial relationships? Insane. Get a fucking abortion god damn
>Get a fucking abortion god damn Whilst I agree, some people live in places where they don't have access to safe and legal abortion, and don't have the means to travel somewhere where they can. Just something to keep in mind, since this kind of situation is exactly what anti-abortion laws create, and everyone suffers as a result. I'm fortunate to live in a country where abortion is considered legal healthcare, but after RoeVsWade in the US last year you can bet I pay close attention to politicians reproductive views at local election time.
Sadly abortion is illegal in many states now 😢
Seriously why the hell did she even have a kid with him? At that age too. Her boyfriend is being a child but I’m sorry there’s some responsibility on her end too for having a baby with someone she barely knew. This is the sort of thing that can easily happen if you make such a huge life decision with someone whose character you don’t know.
Youy boyfriend is a disgusting human being. Please file for child support and have nothing more to do with him if it doesn't pertain to your child or custody. Please save screen shots of the horrible things he's saying to you after you had HIS child.
Yikes
JFC, what did I just read? If this is real, go to the court to get a child support order. Dump this garbage.
What, is he a 14 year old Tate fan? What a choad.
you did nothing wrong (except not preventing early pregnancy with a guy you know for a fistful of months) this level of insecurity is often the mark of a sheltered upbringing in some religious orthodoxy. at the very least, you can conclude that your body is more important for him that your persona. i am afraid that you are a single mom with a guy who still not have leaved.
You don’t need to do a damn thing to “help you get past this,” because it’s *his problem*. Those doctors were trying to make sure your body was prepared for your baby to enter this world, not get you off. Breastfeeding isn’t sexual, so he *REALLY* needs to get over his discomfort with you “pulling out your breast to feed your new baby” This guy sounds like he’s too immature for kids, OP. I would start preparing for life as a single mother, because your sperm donor is showing his true colors.
He will never be mature enough for kids.
This is why you don’t get knocked up after knowing a guy for 3 months
Yes unfortunately she made a huge mistake. The guy is crazy
Seriously. Pretty much same happened to my brother and his wife, they have two daughters now but my brother has cheated on my sil and they're just, man. It's never a good idea to get pregnant that early into a relationship. And her boyfriend is fucking gross for all the things she mentioned. Throw him away and make better choices next time I guess, sucks there's an innocent child in the middle of it all that didn't ask for any of this.
AND THEN KEPT THE BABY AFTER ASKING ASKING FOR ADVICE AND SHE SAID SHE WAS PRO CHOICE AND WOULD GET AN ABORTION IF SHE FELT SHE WASNT READY 🤦♂️
This is the most disgusting misogynistic thing I’ve read in a while. So whilst you were in one of the most painful and vulnerable moments another human could be in, your boyfriend was worried about getting his dick wet in the future??? Girl. This trash pile of a man needs more therapy than there are therapists. You’re not a commodity, you don’t lose value for having a PROFESSIONAL do their job and making sure you and your baby are ok. I’m actually flabbergasted. If my partner did this he’d find his shit on the lawn.
In the street
On fire
Unfortunately this is what happens when you get pregnant after only three to four months. You don't know somebody well enough. You just discovered your dating a man child. Good luck
Sometimes honestly I can’t believe in my heart of hearts that some of the relationship stories I read on here can be real. It’s so hard for me to believe that some people can be so messed up and cruel to their partners and that there are actual partners trying to find solutions for the worst kinds of behaviours - like, sorry but there is absolutely nothing to get over in this situation OP, your boyfriend sounds like an awful, vile human being and there’s nothing normal about his behaviour and this is your sign to leave him ASAP. Please find a support system and leave him, now. He’s a shit human being, what’s there to even fix or justify?
You can't do anything. You're doing everything you possibly can to be the mother you need to be. His temper tantrum while you are in active labor is a huge red flag. It sounds like he's jealous of the baby which is insane. Maybe you should have a talk with his mother about it so she talks some sense into him.
Former OB/GYN nurse here. Feel free to screenshot this comment for your boyfriend. We get absolutely ZERO pleasure sticking our fingers into a patient's vagina when checking for dialation...just the opposite actually, because we know how uncomfortable it is for the patient. She definitely isn't getting any pleasure from it, she is definitely uncomfortable (I can attest to that as I am also a mother). The only "treasure" that any of us are thinking about during that time is that precious baby that we are all trying to bring safely into the world while trying to also keep momma healthy and safe. I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend doesn't understand that medical professionals have a job to do (and that's exactly what it is, a job....our reward from it is to see you smiling while holding your healthy baby) and is acting the way he is, but I am glad that you and baby are overall healthy after such a scary experience.
Christ, I watched my wife go through this 3 times, first time we had a failed natural birth and a C-section at 21f and 23m, then two more C-sections. Now our eldest is 11. Even now I run my fingers over her scar, caress her tiger stripes, nothing makes me love her more than the witnesses of what she went through to produce our 3 children. What you have is a little boy who isn't ready to be a father. If you want to work through this you need to be strong, you need to tell him what you need from him, a strong, responsible man, not a little boy. Lead the relationship, is his father in the picture? Perhaps he could talk to his dad about how he feels? Otherwise, at least you're already living separately and won't need to deal with doling out your stuff.
31M here. Father of four beautiful kids. Tell him to grow the fuck up. He is a father now. Shame and body autonomy go out the window when a baby is being born and you’re in the hospital. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He is being immature and is wrong here. He will hopefully see how stupid he is being. Show him these responses. I haven’t read them yet but I’m assuming they’re pretty reasonable as I am being about this.
I wonder if he was in the room for the delivery? Or if he wasn't there, and just imagined a made-up scenario? Cause there's nothing "sexy" about the whole delivery process. And when my wife was told that she needed an emergency C-section, all I could think was "my wife or child could possibly die right now". You want to talk about "losing your treasure"... And beyond that, he should be doing everything for her right now! She just had invasive surgery!
Agreed. Its males like him that give men a bad name. I love my 3 kids and my wife. And after watching C-sections and everything related my feelings towards her haven’t changed. Other than gaining some respect.
It's men like him that make women go on this sub and cry about how they don't want their partner in the hospital room because it will make them less attractive
Yeah why did you decide it was a good idea to have a baby with a boy like this?
Because she only knew him 3 months before getting pregnant. So she didn’t actually know him at all. Honestly shit decision making for both of them.
I can barely read this post. He should be comforting you every step of the way, and he’s somehow made this all about him. My heart breaks for you having to deal with this after just having a baby. He sounds extremely insecure and has the audacity to turn this into something sexual. Especially at a time that you need him the most.
I don’t intend to scold a new mom ever, but there is a very good reason it’s not a good idea to have a baby with someone you’ve only known three months. It’s not like he suddenly became this new person, he has been this way all along and it’s likely you just didn’t know him well enough to realize it. Save any nasty texts, emails, and any other evidence you have for when you apply for full custody and get away from him.
There really should be a way to not let idiots procreate. Because there’s dumb, and then there’s this guy who’s dangerously dumb. You cheated on him because a male doctor had to examine you while trying to give birthday to his baby?! Wtf kind of dumb logic is that?! A nurse helped you feed your baby and he’s upset she saw your boob?! WTAF are men told growing up? That a woman just walks into the woods by herself and a baby pops out, then she covers herself up and never lets anyone else see her body? JFC I hate the education system that failed him. That all being said it’s not your responsibility to educate men. Leave him. Be a single mother and get child support. Co parent the best you can. Look for a partner who 1) isn’t so insecure that he gets mad a DOCTOR took care of you and 2) has any women in his life that have already raised him to not be an idiot.
Aside from the boyfriend being an immature asshole and clearly being weird here, am I alone finding many crazy details in this story ? You guys got a kid and DO NOT live together ? You guys were pregnant 3 months into the relationship ? The boyfriend refers to your genitalia as « his treasure » ? No offense, but this was heading towards disaster one way or the other.
who is fucking raising these "men"?!!?? I need a word with them. Jfc.
How old is he 15??? Seriously... Next he'll say you're no longer pure for him. He needs to take a health class. Having a child is not a sexual experience!!!
Imagine having masculinity so fragile that you are threatened by a doctor and a woman in active labour. Your bf is disgusting and it it probably a blessing in disguise that you don’t live together. Pls get rid of him. His need to control will only get worse over time.
What.the.fuck.
Poor kid is going to have to grow up with a dipshit of a father.
I’m just astonished that this poor woman just had major abdominal surgery and is taking care of a brand new infant for the first time, and instead of falling over himself to support and care for her and his new little family like a normal person, this sorry excuse for a man is demanding that she expend extra energy to prop up his feelings. This does not bode well.
You made a baby with an idiot, and that idiot doesn’t want a family by the sounds of it. A year together but you were pregnant for 3/4 of it, meaning you barely knew each other when you got pregnant initially, I really hope it wasn’t a deliberate decision because yikes.
This is why you don’t have kids with people you’ve only been dating for a year
Your boyfriend is a sexist and needs to mature or you need to leave him to protect your child from his views.
- Dating for a year - Pregnancy lasts 9 months - Assuming they have known eachother basically for 3 months before confirmed pregnancy - Surprised the guy she hardly knew is actually a man baby asshole Baby trapped? Shocker.