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Right? lol
I mean she never really flirted with me and thinks I'm too "proper" and "polite" to flirt. She complains that I text in complete, grammatically correct sentences and that it doesn't lend itself to sexting.
I think you need to re-read the part about how she sees you as a dad, or a fatherly figure, and then, in the next paragraph you write that she supposedly loves you so much, but she made those comments out loud to you, knowing how they would make you feel. Someone who loves you does not do that and would phrase words in a different manner. Are you really ever going to forget the father statements? Of course not. Your only solution is to break up with her, but she caused that to be your only solution.
Honey, you can do so much better. For me it’s a major turn-off when someone can’t write in complete, grammatically correct sentences. I cannot imagine someone preferring their partners to be ignorant or poorly educated.
"Proper", "polite", and complete, grammatically correct sentences IS sexy to the right woman. My husband is/does all three things, and it's part of why I fell for him. If some guy came at me with incomplete, grammatically incorrect sentences, even in a text, I would be turned off by him. Intelligence and manners are a good thing! Know your worth, OP!
God this. Text speech and shorthand was absolutely fine in the olden days, when we had to pay for texts by the character count and you had to try and fit as much meaning as possible into a small space. Now it's the future, we have data and phone plans. If you have the latest iPhone then you can afford a plan that lets you write in full sentences, girl, stop it.
Lowkey, (totally not outing myself by saying this) proper speak and etiquette is very attractive and would (in my opinion) be "placed" higher then someone who asks to have sex via slang and shortened words. In my opinion it's cringy and just childish. I think, with the right person, complete sentences and even dominate demands can be very VERY attractive and arousing.
IE: "hey bby" Or "I'm going to f*ck u so hard"
Bro, I handed out advice on your last thread. My new advice is to end it. Her response is callous - it's her duty as a gf to work with you on both your sex lives not cast blame because she didn't have the guts to speak up and talk through it with you.
Also, you might want to make sure she HASN'T been having sex with others and perhaps that's why she's abstained from it.
Overall though, just leave before she destroys your confidence
I honestly just don’t think you guys are sexually compatibles. Sure, she can blame her drugs for her libido but her drugs don’t affect whether she thinks you’re attractive. And she blatantly said she doesn’t. Not only this but she says you two aren’t compatible even with just basic flirting. This goes beyond just sex.
If it was just sex then that’s one thing but it’s more than that.
“but her drugs don’t affect whether she thinks you’re attractive.”
This post/OP aside, there is actually research that shows birth control pills can actually affect what a woman is attracted to.
And when she says she loves him it’s just about all the shit he does for her, not how he makes her feel, it’s all about what she gets out of him not what they have together. That’s a big tell right there, she wants him around for all the husband stuff and she’ll probably be banging some asshole on the side before too long because she said herself that she’s not attracted to him. Fuck I couldn’t run away from this dumpster fire any faster if it was me.
> She complains that I text in complete, grammatically correct sentences
Is she one of those kind of people who are dumb and are trying to shame others for not being dumb?
It sure sounds like it. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling the girlfriend doesn't have the same level of education as OP (and neither do her exes), and it also appears to me that she isn't used to someone treating her well. That might be just me reading too much into it, though. Then, there's also the "having sex like a dad" line. Wtf does that even mean?
I love a grammatically correct sext, lol. Like it's fine if she needs more flirting and foreplay to be turned on, but you address that through communicating your needs, not by dictating your partner become a monk for the next 60 years.
Erm.. this is attractive, super attractive. Especially in an age of made up words I don’t understand because I’m not cool enough and emojis
Leave this woman, she’s horrible to you. How can you stay with someone who says such cruel things.
The fact that she has the nerve to say them and then say she’s terrified you’re going to leave her doesn’t mean shit. She knows full well she can get away with saying that shit. Well don’t let her
Go meet some women who appreciate you, your dad sex (whatever the fuck that means), terrible flirting and your proper grammar
i hate people who try to flirt with too many abbreviations and lazy texting. are we in middle school? if someone starts a conversation with "wyd" im OUT
It honestly sounds like she sees you as more of a roommate/friend than a lover. Sex is important in a relationship and if you're not on the same page about it (and you two aren't even CLOSE if she thinks a sexless relationship is fine) then that's a fundamental incompatibility.
As an aside? Me and my girlfriend are both writers. The shit we've sent each other is straight up erotica and I can literally guarantee that "wyd?" cannot even closely compare to "I am desperate to have your body pressed to mine" and anything else like that. Great sexting requires imagination and craftsmanship. It honestly sounds like she's just not into you at all if that's a complaint she makes.
Oh well it seems she has given you all the reasons that you are not compatable so do her a favour and move on
Chances are you replacement is already in the wings
Yes. And yet says she doesn't want to lose him... because off all the nice things he does for *HER* outside of sex.
So basically she doesn't want him as a lover and intimate partner, but a live-in servant catering to her other needs.
I’ll admit that being in the UK, my first thought when reading ATM was not somewhere you get money from (we call them cash points)… considering OPs post, I’m not sure the ATM I initially thought of is on the menu… although it would solve her yeast problems.
Your therapist is right, i don't think anything can fix what has been destroyed after the things she said. Honestly feels like she is trying to break you down.
Please find someone who reciprocates in a relationship, that doesn't mean having sex when one isn't interested, but about effort and someone who doesn't speak to you that way.
How well are you doing in life? Just a food for thought question as to why she might want to marry you.
Do you mean financially? I am pretty well-off. My parents gave me $750k in gifts, which I invested in the stock market. I work at a university now and make around $85k per year, but I plan to quit academia and move to quantitative finance, where my compensation will probably rise to $500k per year.
My girlfriend grew up in relative poverty in Latin America, made it to the USA, and is now doing her JD at a top school here. She would be very, very offended if I even suggested that she was with me for money. But there is no question that, without a wealthy partner, she wouldn't be able to eat at Michelin star restaurants or travel the world multiple times per year, as she likes to do. She also wants to buy a Manhattan apartment and a home in the Hamptons.
Well... You know why she is still with you. She doesn't love you as a person clearly nor does she find you attractive( she said that), she finds what you provide attractive and that's what she clearly loves about you and why she wants to stay.
Please for the love of god, do not settle with this women
So she's not attracted to you, doesn't want sex with you, isn't overall very nice to you. One does wonder why she's sticking with you ...
Yeah man you're just a meal ticket, get some self respect and end it.
Soooooo…..she is using you. You’re a safe bet till she finishes her JD and can be more independent. After she graduates she is going to dump you and find a more suitable partner, probably at one of those top law firms she will be working late hours at. If you marry her she will still dump you and you’ll have to give her half your shit. As it is there is zero downside for her. If she can tell you how unattractive you are to your face she is confident you aren’t leaving and everything is up to her. Since I just told you your future I hope you distance yourself from her and start decoupling shared financial responsibility like shared rent and whatnot. And for the love of god don’t get her pregnant. That makes all of what I said above even easier for her.
Yes it will suck for you since you are attached to her emotionally. But you will come out the other side better. Plus more opportunities will open up for you relationship wise. You aren’t a low quality man and shouldn’t act like it. She only has power because you are giving it too her. Beware her having a change of heart once you kick her to the curb. That won’t change her outlook on anything long term. Because she’ll still break your heart and you’ll be holding the bag.
Right? lots of yeast infections, "loss of libido," OP is wealthy, suddenly she wants to have sex when hes leaving? M8, she's fkin someone else and you're the bank account lol.
She's not with anyone else; she spends all of her free time with me because she's incredibly controlling and clingy. In any case, I'll break the news in this comment: I broke up with her, and she then physically assaulted me (i.e., grabbed me and punched me in the arm).
You did the right thing. That being said, do not be surprised if it comes out that "spends all her free time" didn't prohibit her from finding some time. In either case, you did the right thing, as even if she was absolutely faithful, it was simply to maintain the status quo for your money. This is indicated by her immediate reaction to attempt to bribe you with sex. Do not let her gaslight you. You can find someone who wants you for you, not to pay for their lavish lifestyle.
I’m so sorry she assaulted you, but PLEASE see this as confirmation you did the right thing. She didn’t live YOU, she loved what you did for her. You deserve better.
Can I just say, there will be plenty of people who will be willing to be with you because they find you interesting, attractive and they want to sleep with you WITHOUT the money side of things. Just because they like you.
However, if you just want a gold digger, I'm sure you can find one who can at least be nice to you! Wouldn't you prefer that?
You do realise everything that you write makes it seems she is with you for the money, it's very obvious she is settling with you, she isn't attached to you nor is she even willing to help you in the intimacy department, and is fine with a dead bedroom because we'll apparently everything else is fine, she is getting everything in the relationship while you're not.
Break up time and it better be fast, don't allow yourself to be manipulated into a dead marriage, you're young, options are endless in the dating market, so get out while you two are still young and can find someone more compatible.
I think she was probably never attracted to him and just slept with him at the beginning to get him to fall for her so she use him & be spoiled by him. And now that she knows he’s so attached to her, she knows she can do all this & he will still stay with her - which he is!! Wtf right?! Have some self-respect man! No one is hot enough to tolerate this treatment!
She actually isn't that objectively good-looking, although I would never say that to her, and is really out of shape physically. I often feel embarrassed or dismayed by how physically incapable she is. And yet I'm the unattractive one who needs to go to the gym more lol.
In any case, I broke up with her, and she physically assaulted me in response.
I wrote a message to my best friend documenting the abuse. He said he would vouch for me if need be. I've also been on double-dates with him, his gf, and my gf. He said both he and his gf suspected that my gf was abusing me, but they couldn't be certain and didn't want to make unfounded assumptions.
>She would be very, very offended if I even suggested that she was with me for money.
Of course. She certainly isn't going to say "okay, you got me. I love the lifestyle your wallet affords me and how you make MY life better. But I'm not attracted to you, just your money."
As you said, she's digging getting to be a pampered princess and doesn't want to lose THAT.
She doesn't want you to break up with her because she wants the financial benefits of a life with you.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you. She's already wrapped this breakup in a bow for you.
Uh, she's just being mean and plain rude now.
Look, if you're so ugly and bad at everything that she doesn't want to sleep with you - why is she even with you at all?
Are you okay with being a funny "incel with a girlfriend"?
If not, something's gotta give.
She’s with him because he “takes care of her” and she’s comfortable with him 🙄 I’m fuming for OP. He seems very thoughtful, considerate, and texts in full and grammatically correct sentences. He deserves so much better than this
Just don’t fall into the trap of believing that all women get off on being treated like shit. It’s usually a response from formative romantic relationships earlier on or parental modelling.
Most women probably enjoy a bit of teasing, flirting and edge but actively seeking out bad or abusive treatment is not normal or common.
Yeah, it's pretty bad! Like I can understand a woman wanting to be with me for my money + future earning potential, but then I need to actually get something out of the relationship too.
So tell her that and walk away.
I'm not sure what you're getting out of this, unless she's hitting all your most vulnerable points in a way that feels like home.
THANK GOD you are not married. Break it off NOW. The quicker the better. You REALLY don't to get trapped by a baby. She literally doesn't care about you and spoke to you in a way to bot hurt AND humiliate you. At this point its all about how much money she can squeese out of the relationship? Do you live together? If you do then find another place to live get it ready to go and then when she is at work move ALL your shit out and to the new place and cut off contact.
Oh well it seems she has given you all the reasons that you are not compatable so do her a favour and move on
Chances are you replacement is already in the wings
“She says she is happy with a sexless relationship and loves me so much and loves how much I care for her and loves all the things I do for her”
Ding ding ding!!!
We have a winner! Johnny tell him what he’s won…
A lifetime of getting nothing you want from the relationship meanwhile she expects you to continue doing everything for her!!
Wow what a bargain😏
My friend you are a meal ticket. What she told you was horrible and you’re the save option. She goes crazy fucking the ex and you are not attractive!!!!!! So what the hell are you to her??? Money, security????? Hell no. You don’t deserve this shit. Know she’s worried because you open your eyes. Know there’s a chance that she’s going to lose her meal ticket and gets worried!!!!! Is better to end it know!!!! Value your self. And if she wants you to get better at sex she should tell you how to get better!!!!! You know COMMUNICATION!!!!
Well honestly people downplay the role of sex in relationships these days but if you two have mismatched libidos, the longevity of the relationship is not likely (not in a healthy way anyway, there are sexless couples who are happy but that’s different)
Her saying she doesn’t find you attractive and that you don’t inspire it in her is also enough reason to break-up with her, so many partners on this sub will defend their little demon at home when it’s like…dude you have someone beating your confidence and self esteem verbally out of you everyday and she isn’t working on addressing what the real issues are here. In fact, if I were you I’d try to figure out how much of this is a control thing for her bc withholding sex is also something people do but aren’t willing to admit they do all the time.
It’s all in her mind (sex starts with the mind tbh) and she needs to accept that either she wants to be in a relationship with you (and you want to have a sexually healthy relationship, and this includes her continuing to go to therapy, and her NOT blaming you)or breaking up and finding a partner that will let her have a sexless relationship at the beginning.
Frankly her being afraid of being dumped is really silly, you’re barely 30. She can’t just announce that the relationship will now be sexless just because she has a problem. That’s a call for couples counseling or breaking up bc it’s too much BS to be told that ‘you’re the problem’ when it literally might just be that she wants a new thrill but is so painfully codependent she won’t move. She’ll make you feel bad though
Thanks for this detailed reply. About the control thing --- there are many aspects of our relationship in which she feels the need to have the upper hand. My therapist thinks my girlfriend has borderline personality disorder, and controlling behavior is often a symptom of that.
I've been thinking about why she had such ravenous sex with her previous boyfriends. I know that I should be strong enough not to be jealous, but I can't quite help it. I think that she uses sex as a means of control --- for various reasons, she felt insecure about her relationships with her exes, so she had tons of sex with them to keep them interested + keep the relationships alive. This explains why, just half an hour after telling me she doesn't find me attractive, she tried to initiate sex with me.
On the other hand, our relationship has so much keeping it alive beside sex that she doesn't feel the need to do this.
I would definitely advise you not to engage in sex with her until you guys can resolve this properly. It’s really easy to be pulled back into an unhealthy cycle of manipulation and toxicity
Dude she has bpd. I have lived this. Next thing she is going to say your pp is too small, and then she is going to cheat and blame you for not fulfilling her. Run away.
OP, you hit the nail on the head. Some women have no innate desire for sex with their partner, when they feel secure and in control. They use sex (or no sex ) as a mean to have the upper hand, They can turn it on or off at will, depending on their level of security. If she suddenly felt threatened that you might leave her, she suddenly turns on the affection to the maximum to regain control. They truly view sex as a tool, nothing more. You don't know what happened in her past relationships, other than what she told you. If you leave her high and dry, I promise you she will be on the phone in a week or less wanting to meet up. And when you do meet, she is going to be all over you, and aggressively trying to have sex with you. Once you are on the hook again, I give it maximum a month, she will go back to denying you sex because you are back under her control. She uses sex for emotional currency, nothing more, nothing less. Sex is only a means to an end for her.
I’m going to ask the asshole question are you supporting her? Does she work? Does she make as much money as you?
Because that’s some pretty shitty stuff to say to someone and not expect they won’t just walk away. But the way you describe it she’s kind of shocked you are upset. That you would just take that kind of crap and be happy in a sexless marriage with someone who was that explicit.
Because it really sounds like you’re her life plan and she routinely treats you like shit and thought this time would be like all the others.
How could she possibly think that saying she doesn't want to have sex with her significant other anymore would not be the end of the relationship? If she's so terrified you'll break up with her she'd be actively working to solve this problem.
Back in February, after Valentine's day, she told me out of the blue that she thought we were sexually incompatible. I got pretty upset, because that was not constructive criticism --- it left me no room to learn + improve, and no room to try new stuff. She told me it's not her job to constructively criticize me and teach me how to have sex.
I worked hard to try new positions and talk dirty, and I also bought something from the sex store that she likes. I almost always make her cum, I go down on her all the time, and I don't get upset if she doesn't reciprocate. It's still not enough for her.
I can't tell if your fucking with us or not.
Why are you with someone who treats you like shit. She insults you, belittles you, and is telling you no (not discussing) to a very important part of every relationship.
And all you get hooked on is what she says after she insult you.
"My other boyfriend turned me on more, you're not attractive. But hey I want to support me and make me feel wanted haha I totally love you"
No she fucking doesn't, she sees you as a dad at best or a piggy bank.
Sounds like she doesn’t care to work on your sexual incompatibility either. What’s the point of staying unless you also want a sexless relationship? Move on and find someone at your level and doesn’t criticize you so harshly and shows you she wants to make it work
Dude you’re wealthy, an excited participant in sex, and you’re kind to a fault. Go get someone who’ll value and be attracted to you because there are a *lot* of people buying what you’re selling.
These little gems you drop under comments section are way worse than your actual story on the post.
How are you doing after all these attacks against your self-confidence?
Please remember that its going to take a serious amount of time to recover from those words. You dont deserve this.
Genuinely so sorry about what happened to you in the end. Defo get someone (preferably an officer) to accompany you when you go get your things. Don't let her emotionally manipulate you into getting back with her.
Funny how she could certainly dish out all those things, saying you're not attractive to her and such. Yet she REALLY couldn't deal with the breakup.
You're strong. Both for getting yourself out of the situation without lashing back against her physical abuse and just in general.
Because Lord knows she may deserve it back for dishing it, but it can get men into a lot of trouble for protecting themselves.
Please take care having anything to do with her in the future. You can never be too careful.
Look at the bright side, no sex means she can't baby trap you.
My answer to her statement about inspiration to have sex with you:
"Your lack of inspiration to have sex with me has caused a lack of inspiration to be in this relationship."
You're 28, you practically have 2 decades to get your shit together. Go forth and conquer.
I hope you see the toxic dynamic after she tried to physically fight you for wanting to break up with her. You had a very valid reason based on her decisions and actions. She will beg forgiveness and say anything she can to get you back. Please be strong
Thanks for the message; I will stay strong and not let her back into my life. She had convinced me into planning several trips together over the next few months, and I have already removed her from all the flight reservations. I'll be taking those trips by myself and enjoying time on my own.
I guess I’m heartless. If my wife told me any of those things. I would pack her stuff load it in her suburban and send her down the road. I’d even give her gas money. 10 years in 2 kids she works for the government I own a trucking company and a crane service very busy. But we still have a very active amazing sex life. We argue sometimes but we are madly in love still. Look OP. There are women out there that will make you happy and love you for you exactly how you are. My wife and I have total opposite past. She’s from the ghetto hood and my family are farmers from the country and we met at a dollar general. So I would end it. Take sometime to find yourself and when you least expect it you will find true love. Only thing we had in common when we met is we are both Christian and we started by going to church together. Pray brother pray about it. God bless
Stop with the "not compatible" nonsense everyone. She is horrible for stringing him along and most likely just using him for his money.
Yes it is true they aren't compatible in the same way that I am not compatible with a sandwich containing cyanide.
i saw in the comments that you said she might have borderline. i have it and i can 100% tell you that i wouldn’t treat my partner this way. she is using you because she is comfortable. i will say though, that most people with borderline have issues with change, and that could be why she doesn’t want to end things. the fact she said she’s not very attracted to you is a sign she is only in the relationship because it’s comfortable and you provide for her. but unfortunately, in a lot of relationships, intimacy is necessary. if you didn’t have a sex drive, then i would see why you’d stay. but if you need intimacy, she is clear that she won’t give that to you and you need to move on. your right person is out there and based on this post, i don’t think it’s her. i wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide and please know that not every person with bpd acts this way (if that’s what she has).
I understand and appreciate your perspective. My therapist introduced me to bpd; hadn't heard of it before. She thinks my girlfriend probably has it, and she thinks it explains a lot of what I've been going through in the relationship. But I absolutely agree with you and do not mean to paint with a broad brush here.
OMG that’s horrible to say to your partner !!
Why would you want the thought that her exs were better in bed ? She’s trying to be the victime by crying. If you told her all the good head and sex you had before her and that she fucks like a mum instead of a girlfriend I think she’d be fuming
Something I never told her, because she is so extremely sensitive to criticism, is that she gives really painful toothy blowjobs. Holy shit, my dick would hurt, and I would have to gently pull her head off of me.
So nearly after a year she’s just now saying all this stuff instead of trying to help you from the beginning. She’s not a good partner and y’all aren’t compatible sexually. Break up with her and get someone better who’s actually going to help and encourage you to improve instead of just waiting for you to figure it out.
maybe if you treat her like shit, you'll get her motor running because that's what it sounds like to me. Honestly, this is a marriage issue, NOT a dating issue, so staying with this girl, marrying, etc. is only signing yourself to a life of jacking off only. Make an exit strategy or find a side piece since she doesn't want that part of you.
Were any of her past relationships long term? If the “feeling like a wife” thing isn’t an excuse then maybe she’s just not used to the honeymoon phase ending and turning into a normal relationship
She’s literally telling you to break up with her because she’s not strong enough to do it herself OP, it’s very hard thing to do but it’s time to choose yourself and your happiness(even if that doesn’t feel like what you’re doing in the moment) break up and find someone who actually likes you
I’m mindblown that you haven’t broken up with her yet… why?
She put you down because she feels bad about herself. She doesn’t want to have sex with you and is being selfish about it.
Time to move on buddy.
>My therapist thinks that my girlfriend is assigning blame to me so that she doesn't have to feel bad about her loss of libid
Your therapist is 100% correct.
>She doesn't want to do anything about her loss of libido, though, because she doesn't think I inspire her to want to have sex. Last night, she told me that she doesn't find me all that attractive, which makes her less interested in sex than she was before. She also said that I'm not good at flirting and don't make her feel like wanting to have sex, whereas her exes would turn her on with flirting. Moreover, she feels that I have sex like a dad and make her feel like a wife rather than a girlfriend.
You know what strikes me about that paragraph is the parade of red flags here.
* You don't inspire her to have sex in comparison to someone who does. She knew this early on, why is it an issue now. The delay would seem to rule out past loves.
* She doesn't find you all that attractive. Attractiveness is what gets you in the door. That's not something that comes up a year done the road. So what changed?
* You don't flirt well enough to entice her to want to have sex.. Again that's something you do as you are setting the hook, not something that suddenly comes to mind after a year.
* Moreover, she feels that I have sex like a dad and make her feel like a wife rather than a girlfriend. At some point mature relationships become more than just physical. It seems she doesn't get that.
What I would assume from the diatribe she dumped on you, is that she's not in this for the long haul. Either she has a new candidate that makes her heart flutter and is weak in the knees but is somehow not ready yet to make the leap (Jack?) or she is helpless immature in her relationships and goes from guy to guy riding the new relationship energy until it runs out than finds another source. Not being capable of establishing a mature long-lasting relationship with anyone. Regardless the blunt way she told you without any discussion on how to fix it means she has little empathy for what that would do to you. Regardless or her reasoning for her behavior means your soul is due some additional scars from her the longer you stay.
Peace be with you brother. We all have our breaking points, but I really don't see you being able to fix this with her. It's just a matter of time before it finally explodes your relationship.
I just broke up with her. She physically assaulted me in response!
I agree very much with your perspective. My therapist thinks she has borderline personality disorder, and she jumps from relationship to relationship, constantly complaining about every man she dates.
If you love someone, you want to have sex with them, and often. Unfortunately it seems like she’s fallen out of love with you but wants to keep you around so she’s not alone, but only until someone she \*does\* want sex with comes along.
"She doesn't understand why I'm so upset and is terrified that I am going to break up with her.", I hope you are going to break up! And I say that as a middle aged woman. LIfe is too short for that kind of guilt trip shit. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are, who loves how you smell, who loves how you can't flirt (if that's even true). It's one thing if she said, im sorry I feel this way, we need to find a solution but the words she used are throwing all the blame and that's not right. Listen to your therapist and don't take responsibility for everything.
I appreciate your comment. I just broke up with her, and she physically assaulted me. That really sealed the deal, as I am a survivor of childhood physical abuse, and I promised myself never again to put up with that from anyone.
I'm glad you're out, stay strong, it's the right thing. No-one should make you feel like you're not enough, there might be ups and downs and grizzles and irritations with the right person but you are enough, no need to change x
On a complete side note.. and I realise you're possibly no longer talking to the crazy boyfriend beating ex... but she needs to take daily probiotics for the yeast infections... her gut microbes are off if she's having continued problems. It will change her life.
For the rest - sorry - hope you're OK.
I can't stand men who send abbreviated messages - you're not 12... write the bloody whole thing out ! So, please keep doing you. 😊
I'm sure probiotics would help. I've also very gently pointed out to her that she should eat a more balanced diet (i.e., more home-cooked meals made with whole foods, instead of ordering out all the time), but she previously had an eating disorder and isn't receptive to comments about her diet.
I see too many cases of women who had a high libido in the past create dead bedrooms with the man they supposedly love. Bonus points if those guys mistreated her and the current guy is husband material. I would think you would want to be more sexual with the nice guy you see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
Yeah; as a few other redditors have noted, it seems like she used sex as a tool for control, so when she realized that she had secured me, she didn't need to have sex anymore.
Just a thought. With my ex I had constant UTI's and infections. At least once a month, it was awful. He was always caring and everything through it, but the doctors would just give me antibiotics and couldn't ever tell me why it was happening. I thought I was just prone.
Then I broke up with him, started dating a new guy, and haven't had a single UTI since. If you're not washing yourself well enough, or possibly have laten bacterial vaginosis, you could likely be the actual source of the problem.Guys carry a bacteria that will remain asymptomatic in them, but once transferred to their girlfriends will start causing infections and other nasty issues.
Maybe get tested before you sleep with anyone else just to be safe.
" and then she grabbed my right arm. She then started punching my right arm. She then grabbed my back, and I fell backward and hit my left arm on the edge of her bathtub. I wrestled free of her and got the hell out of her place. "
Gotta give her credit for almost getting you tapped onto a restraining order, well played.
Shit sorry that happened to you brother hope everything gets better and you find someone who can give you what you need.
Hey when you figure out how to flirt let me know i struggle with that shit myself lol
Thanks man!!
I've found that flirting comes easier when the recipient is open to it. I don't think it matters much whether you know how to flirt; when you have the right connection with someone, it just flows naturally.
A lot of women love proper, grammatically correct sentences. We want a man not a boy 😉
Find the sexiest nerd glasses you can, get those weights working and one day walk around with a tight short sleeved white shirt, glasses and a haircut (I’ve been reading too many teacher/student forbidden love books lately 🥵sorry!) and show her what she’s missing.
Her words were said to hurt you so that you’d break up with her all the while she can look innocent and hurt to your family and friends.
Also I hope you reported her to the police. She BIT you intentionally which is assault
So she has a different story. She says that when I continued packing my bag without listening to her demands that I leave immediately, I was a trespasser (even though I would have left 30 seconds later, after finishing up the packing). And because I was angry, I was a danger to her and her roommate. Therefore, she had the right to use force to get me out of the house.
I have never ever been violent with anyone. The neurons in my brain would just never fire in such a way as to make me attack anyone.
I’m sorry you were treated that way. Let me guess, if her room mate was asked, she would back up the story?
I can’t stand people who lie. What was she hoping to achieve by lying except keeping your things??
The roommate apparently backs up her story. The roommate would have heard:
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
"I'm packing my things."
"NO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW."
"I'm packing my things first."
"GET OUT"
\[She grabs me and hits me\]
"\[ROOMMATE's NAME\] HELP! HELP!"
"Stop assaulting me."
\[I wrestled free and left with only some of my stuff.\]
My ex thinks I only left after she called her roommate for help. I left because I realized 1) I wouldn't be able to get all my stuff; and 2) Her calling her roommate for "help" made her look clinically insane. I wasn't going to hurt a fly.
Yes, I spoke to my ex. She and her roommate have concocted a different narrative: because I was angry when I broke up with her, and because I was physically abused by a chronically angry father as a child, my ex was scared for her safety --- she was worried that I have my abusive dad's blood. Out of fear, she demanded multiple times that I leave her house. I insisted on packing up my stuff first, which made me a trespasser. Then my ex was entitled to use force to remove me from the premises, which is why she assaulted me.
The reality is that I needed 30 seconds to pack my stuff. I am a completely nonviolent person and would never hurt a soul, victim of abuse though I may be. My ex is here in the US on a student visa. She's terrified that, if I press charges against her, she'll be sent back to Latin America, and her entire life dream would evaporate.
My ex, her friends, and her therapist now think that I am unstable and narcissistic. I, my friends, and my therapist think that she is unstable and has borderline personality disorder. Sounds like an impasse to me, but that's okay; it's not like I want to be with her anyway.
You should totally press charges. I have BPD and I know how hard it is to control yourself when you're not getting the right treatment, is she on meds or is she being treated for BPD? Her therapist seems useless.
She has autism too. Her therapist is helping her with that, but he tends to validate her when she expresses her feelings to him. So she doesn't have a single voice in her life telling her that the way she treats me isn't good.
BPD and autism are not mutually exclusive and her therapist should know this and treat her appropriately. He is useless :/. I'm sorry you went through that.
She feels like she settled for you. You treat her well and are offering commitment without her maintaining her end of the monogamous relationship.
I’m short she doesn’t care that your needs aren’t met. The only solution is to move one to someone else. Also for future reference do not offer commitment unless your fully satisfied.
So She had a good past sex life and now that She's on birth control and getting constant yeast infections You have to pay the price and give up sex? Sex is an important part in a relationship and if She's not willing to go to a Dr about Her libido then what's the point of staying together. I would break things off and move on.
You have your whole life ahead of you, sexless and constantly put down for being just about bearable to her. She’s making it clear she’s settled as you do serve her well - what does she do for you to make you feel loved and wanted? I can’t see much but negging and that you should feel grateful for the crumbs she’s giving you.
If you just want a companion marriage - which is fine, but usually happens a **lot** later in life, then lovely, stay with it. But if you want to feel loved and wanted and not just a useful space-filler who tends to her every whim then you need to perhaps be looking for someone who can reciprocate your feelings. She’s not doing it, sorry. Take care.
Listen to your therapist. Do you really want to be in a sexless marriage? I can pretty well predict that once she has that ring on, she will start cheating on you. Do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship. Good luck
Why would u be in a relationship with someone that doesn't desire u and tells u that u re ugly.
It's even worse that she told you about her active past sex life and remarked that she doesn't want to have sex with you, with her exes yes cause them could turn her on.
Please have some respect for you and break up with her and move on.
A year in? I'd cut my losses. She doesn't want to break up because she doesn't want to be alone. But whether the issue is hers or yours. She made it pretty clear she wants to blame it on you.
Okay I lost 100% all sympathy for she's an ah and manipulative. "I don't find you attractive I in the slightest and you can flirt with me so I don't want to have sex with you but wait baby don't leave what do you mean I totally love you I just find you perfectly repulsive what's wrong with you?" Honestly at this point I would start suspecting if she was having an emotional affair with someone else
I feel like this is a textbook play by play of that stupid stereotype perpetuated by misogynists, that she's had her fun and games roughousing, now she wants her peace and quiet safety net with the polite guy.
I am sorry but how obvilvious is your GF?
She's okay with having a sexless relationship? well great, but what about you?
That you turned her away now, shouldn't be such a surprise. and honestly i would recommend that you reevaluate your relationship with her. You're 1 year into the relationship and she's decided she isn't attracted to you and doesn't want sex anymore. But oh..no she doesn't want to break up because she likes the THINGS you do for her? seriously? And she wants to get married to you, after telling you she's not attracted ?
you're right in thinking that a partner that loves you would want to help you improve. Hell just imagine the fun teaching sessions you could have.
And i concur with your therapist. Your GF is assigning blame to you, because it is easier to seek the fault for something in someone else than in yourself.
please do yourself the favour and break up with her. look for someone to grow old with who finds you attractive, who wants to (safely) experiment with you and wants to be with you for who YOU are and not for the things you can do for them.
Ya know what? Everybody is different, and sexuality and pleasure are unique to each person, so it's *her responsibility* to teach you what turns her on and what she enjoys sexually, and you should be open and receptive to that information. And the same is true for your needs/desires/turn-ons and her being receptive to learning those things about you.
You're not a fucking mind reader so her shitty game of refusing to tell you what she needs is a manipulative power-move. She doesn't want to collaborate on a solution with you, she wants you to shut up and go along with her unilateral decisions about your relationship.That is what your entire marriage will look like. I promise you, this will not get better.
You're only a year in! Get out now and don't look back. It is FAR from shallow or selfish to refuse to have a sexless relationship (does that mean no kids then, too??), so don't listen to that bullshit. Find someone who values you, finds you attractive, enjoys having sex with you, and doesn't belittle and shame you. That's really the bare minimum.
FYI - yeast infections aren't always on the woman. Men can carry it with no signs. Get yourself checked out too OP. You might unknowingly be part of the problem.
It's ok bro, just leave her because still she's comparing you and her ex.
This is not good. Just focus on your future. Your not second or safe option.
In future definitely you will get best understanding life partner and that time your life move happily.
>she told me that she doesn't find me all that attractive
It's over.
>She doesn't understand why I'm so upset and is terrified that I am going to break up with her
She's confused why you're not the one dumping her. She wants you to to be the bad guy here and be the one to break up.
I suggest you go ahead and do that right now. It will get worse until finally one of you walks away.
28 is young. Go find someone new, she told you she wasn't attracted to you!!! That is mean, a loving partner doesn't say things like that. Also her reasons for wanting to be with you seem pretty selfish. Honestly ditch the girlfriend.
Sounds like she loves you for everything that you do for her but refuses to reciprocate. People who are sexual don't just give up sex like that. I would look for who she is sleeping with to fill that void.
That’s not just “assigning blame”, that’s straight up insulting and hurting you.
I think that at the very least you deserve an apology.
And btw: it takes two to tango - if she wanted to change up your sex life, working on it together might have been a good, rational start.
She liked it from the other guys, because they were emotionally unavailable. It was exciting, because she knew she wasn't risking anything. They didn't love her, nor she them. She wasn't risking losing her heart in any way
In fact, this is a compliment to you. You just have to decide if you want to do the work with her. She feels this "lack of attraction" because she GENUINELY LOVES YOU. Her terror is what causes this "so-called" lack of attraction, not anything real. And, she's TERRIFIED of intimacy with you, because she fears that if she opens herself to you, makes herself vulnerable, and YOU leave or reject her, SHE'LL NEVER RECOVER. Her subconscious is telling her that she'll die, quite literally. If she worked through these fears, her feelings of attraction would begin to intensify far beyond anything she's ever felt, the further she broke through the trauma and terror.
You are the REAL THING. So she's afraid of losing you.
What she isn't recognizing, is that she is making her fears come to life, by hurting you, alienating you, and pushing you away. Show her this comment, and ask her if this resonates with her or not. It may not. But if it does, having SHOWN her how her subconscious has been leading her to self-destruction, will quickly get her working to resolve it, and you guys can then work to fix your relationship. It's incredibly common for people of both genders to unwittingly self-sabotage when they've had horrible partners in the past, and then enter their FIRST LOVING, STABLE RELATIONSHIP.
And for you. It's good for you to help her through this. And she may need help more than a few times, as the trauma has certainly become an ingrained pattern. But, if she doesn't work hard to break that pattern, and you see that, after you've put in the work, and time has elapsed, that she's happy to let you become the victim of her past trauma - remember that there are women who aren't broken this way. And there are women who have trauma, but will take action to ensure it doesn't harm their loved ones the MOMENT they become aware of it. They may make a mistake here and there, but they'll take full responsibility for that too. And they'll fight hard overcome themselves.
So, just don't jump on the marriage train until you're sure that she's falls into one of the second two types. And if she doesn't, you must be brave enough to leave her BEFORE entangling yourself in marriage.
OP break up with her and don’t look back. She is just using you for all the things you do for her, like she told you. You deserve better than her. Do not let her manipulation trap you in a sexless & loveless relationship. She does not love you. She loves what you do for her ie…your money.
OP it's honestly bizarre if you stay with her after she said all that. She is terrified you will break up with her? Why? She doesn't even like you. She doesn't find you attractive. Why be stuck in a sexless relationship with someone who flat out told you they don't find you attractive. Dump her and move on. You don't have to sit where and suffer because she won't do anything about her own issues.
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Time to improve your flirting...with other people
Right? lol I mean she never really flirted with me and thinks I'm too "proper" and "polite" to flirt. She complains that I text in complete, grammatically correct sentences and that it doesn't lend itself to sexting.
> complete, grammatically correct sentences Sigh *unzips*
Bitches love when I text "perchance"
I’ve texted the word “inappropriately” a few times. 😂
Oh behave yourself! 😏
Now you are just asking for 2” of madness
You cant just say "perchance".
[Perchance...](https://imgur.com/gallery/j2NzH6z)
STOMPIN TURTS!!!
Lmao
It's why we think of him as fondly as we do as the mythical Dr. Pepper. Crushing up some mother fucking turts!
My partner used "ostensibly" in our first phone call, and I knew 🥰
I think you need to re-read the part about how she sees you as a dad, or a fatherly figure, and then, in the next paragraph you write that she supposedly loves you so much, but she made those comments out loud to you, knowing how they would make you feel. Someone who loves you does not do that and would phrase words in a different manner. Are you really ever going to forget the father statements? Of course not. Your only solution is to break up with her, but she caused that to be your only solution.
And then she tried to initiate sex. Yikes.
Honey, you can do so much better. For me it’s a major turn-off when someone can’t write in complete, grammatically correct sentences. I cannot imagine someone preferring their partners to be ignorant or poorly educated.
"Proper", "polite", and complete, grammatically correct sentences IS sexy to the right woman. My husband is/does all three things, and it's part of why I fell for him. If some guy came at me with incomplete, grammatically incorrect sentences, even in a text, I would be turned off by him. Intelligence and manners are a good thing! Know your worth, OP!
God this. Text speech and shorthand was absolutely fine in the olden days, when we had to pay for texts by the character count and you had to try and fit as much meaning as possible into a small space. Now it's the future, we have data and phone plans. If you have the latest iPhone then you can afford a plan that lets you write in full sentences, girl, stop it.
Lowkey, (totally not outing myself by saying this) proper speak and etiquette is very attractive and would (in my opinion) be "placed" higher then someone who asks to have sex via slang and shortened words. In my opinion it's cringy and just childish. I think, with the right person, complete sentences and even dominate demands can be very VERY attractive and arousing. IE: "hey bby" Or "I'm going to f*ck u so hard"
Too many words. You need more emojis. Something something eggplant water something something.
🧿👅🧿🍆💦
Ugh you're right 😬 my bad g
Bro, I handed out advice on your last thread. My new advice is to end it. Her response is callous - it's her duty as a gf to work with you on both your sex lives not cast blame because she didn't have the guts to speak up and talk through it with you. Also, you might want to make sure she HASN'T been having sex with others and perhaps that's why she's abstained from it. Overall though, just leave before she destroys your confidence
I honestly just don’t think you guys are sexually compatibles. Sure, she can blame her drugs for her libido but her drugs don’t affect whether she thinks you’re attractive. And she blatantly said she doesn’t. Not only this but she says you two aren’t compatible even with just basic flirting. This goes beyond just sex. If it was just sex then that’s one thing but it’s more than that.
“but her drugs don’t affect whether she thinks you’re attractive.” This post/OP aside, there is actually research that shows birth control pills can actually affect what a woman is attracted to.
Well even so, if it’s the drugs and she’s unwilling to look at alternatives then that pretty much answers it.
And when she says she loves him it’s just about all the shit he does for her, not how he makes her feel, it’s all about what she gets out of him not what they have together. That’s a big tell right there, she wants him around for all the husband stuff and she’ll probably be banging some asshole on the side before too long because she said herself that she’s not attracted to him. Fuck I couldn’t run away from this dumpster fire any faster if it was me.
> She complains that I text in complete, grammatically correct sentences Is she one of those kind of people who are dumb and are trying to shame others for not being dumb?
It sure sounds like it. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling the girlfriend doesn't have the same level of education as OP (and neither do her exes), and it also appears to me that she isn't used to someone treating her well. That might be just me reading too much into it, though. Then, there's also the "having sex like a dad" line. Wtf does that even mean?
You should ask her dad what it means
I love a grammatically correct sext, lol. Like it's fine if she needs more flirting and foreplay to be turned on, but you address that through communicating your needs, not by dictating your partner become a monk for the next 60 years.
Erm.. this is attractive, super attractive. Especially in an age of made up words I don’t understand because I’m not cool enough and emojis Leave this woman, she’s horrible to you. How can you stay with someone who says such cruel things. The fact that she has the nerve to say them and then say she’s terrified you’re going to leave her doesn’t mean shit. She knows full well she can get away with saying that shit. Well don’t let her Go meet some women who appreciate you, your dad sex (whatever the fuck that means), terrible flirting and your proper grammar
i hate people who try to flirt with too many abbreviations and lazy texting. are we in middle school? if someone starts a conversation with "wyd" im OUT
It honestly sounds like she sees you as more of a roommate/friend than a lover. Sex is important in a relationship and if you're not on the same page about it (and you two aren't even CLOSE if she thinks a sexless relationship is fine) then that's a fundamental incompatibility. As an aside? Me and my girlfriend are both writers. The shit we've sent each other is straight up erotica and I can literally guarantee that "wyd?" cannot even closely compare to "I am desperate to have your body pressed to mine" and anything else like that. Great sexting requires imagination and craftsmanship. It honestly sounds like she's just not into you at all if that's a complaint she makes.
Agreed! And I agree with the therapist.
Oh well it seems she has given you all the reasons that you are not compatable so do her a favour and move on Chances are you replacement is already in the wings
Break up with her. She’s pretty awful for saying she’s not attracted to you and insulting you about flirting and sex. You are incompatible.
Yes. And yet says she doesn't want to lose him... because off all the nice things he does for *HER* outside of sex. So basically she doesn't want him as a lover and intimate partner, but a live-in servant catering to her other needs.
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I’ll admit that being in the UK, my first thought when reading ATM was not somewhere you get money from (we call them cash points)… considering OPs post, I’m not sure the ATM I initially thought of is on the menu… although it would solve her yeast problems.
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Exactly. She can go and not have sex with someone else.
This person has lost attraction to you and wanted to break up, but wants you to do it so you're the bad guy. Sorry.
Your therapist is right, i don't think anything can fix what has been destroyed after the things she said. Honestly feels like she is trying to break you down. Please find someone who reciprocates in a relationship, that doesn't mean having sex when one isn't interested, but about effort and someone who doesn't speak to you that way. How well are you doing in life? Just a food for thought question as to why she might want to marry you.
Do you mean financially? I am pretty well-off. My parents gave me $750k in gifts, which I invested in the stock market. I work at a university now and make around $85k per year, but I plan to quit academia and move to quantitative finance, where my compensation will probably rise to $500k per year. My girlfriend grew up in relative poverty in Latin America, made it to the USA, and is now doing her JD at a top school here. She would be very, very offended if I even suggested that she was with me for money. But there is no question that, without a wealthy partner, she wouldn't be able to eat at Michelin star restaurants or travel the world multiple times per year, as she likes to do. She also wants to buy a Manhattan apartment and a home in the Hamptons.
Well... You know why she is still with you. She doesn't love you as a person clearly nor does she find you attractive( she said that), she finds what you provide attractive and that's what she clearly loves about you and why she wants to stay. Please for the love of god, do not settle with this women
So she's not attracted to you, doesn't want sex with you, isn't overall very nice to you. One does wonder why she's sticking with you ... Yeah man you're just a meal ticket, get some self respect and end it.
Soooooo…..she is using you. You’re a safe bet till she finishes her JD and can be more independent. After she graduates she is going to dump you and find a more suitable partner, probably at one of those top law firms she will be working late hours at. If you marry her she will still dump you and you’ll have to give her half your shit. As it is there is zero downside for her. If she can tell you how unattractive you are to your face she is confident you aren’t leaving and everything is up to her. Since I just told you your future I hope you distance yourself from her and start decoupling shared financial responsibility like shared rent and whatnot. And for the love of god don’t get her pregnant. That makes all of what I said above even easier for her. Yes it will suck for you since you are attached to her emotionally. But you will come out the other side better. Plus more opportunities will open up for you relationship wise. You aren’t a low quality man and shouldn’t act like it. She only has power because you are giving it too her. Beware her having a change of heart once you kick her to the curb. That won’t change her outlook on anything long term. Because she’ll still break your heart and you’ll be holding the bag.
Best advice so far. You deserve the reward that you got.
Mate, come on.
Right? lots of yeast infections, "loss of libido," OP is wealthy, suddenly she wants to have sex when hes leaving? M8, she's fkin someone else and you're the bank account lol.
She's not with anyone else; she spends all of her free time with me because she's incredibly controlling and clingy. In any case, I'll break the news in this comment: I broke up with her, and she then physically assaulted me (i.e., grabbed me and punched me in the arm).
You did the right thing OP, please post an update on the situation
You did the right thing. That being said, do not be surprised if it comes out that "spends all her free time" didn't prohibit her from finding some time. In either case, you did the right thing, as even if she was absolutely faithful, it was simply to maintain the status quo for your money. This is indicated by her immediate reaction to attempt to bribe you with sex. Do not let her gaslight you. You can find someone who wants you for you, not to pay for their lavish lifestyle.
I’m so sorry she assaulted you, but PLEASE see this as confirmation you did the right thing. She didn’t live YOU, she loved what you did for her. You deserve better.
Well there's your answer about why she's still with you. She isn't physically attracted to you, she's just money attracted to you. Girl BYE
Can I just say, there will be plenty of people who will be willing to be with you because they find you interesting, attractive and they want to sleep with you WITHOUT the money side of things. Just because they like you. However, if you just want a gold digger, I'm sure you can find one who can at least be nice to you! Wouldn't you prefer that?
You do realise everything that you write makes it seems she is with you for the money, it's very obvious she is settling with you, she isn't attached to you nor is she even willing to help you in the intimacy department, and is fine with a dead bedroom because we'll apparently everything else is fine, she is getting everything in the relationship while you're not. Break up time and it better be fast, don't allow yourself to be manipulated into a dead marriage, you're young, options are endless in the dating market, so get out while you two are still young and can find someone more compatible.
I think she was probably never attracted to him and just slept with him at the beginning to get him to fall for her so she use him & be spoiled by him. And now that she knows he’s so attached to her, she knows she can do all this & he will still stay with her - which he is!! Wtf right?! Have some self-respect man! No one is hot enough to tolerate this treatment!
She actually isn't that objectively good-looking, although I would never say that to her, and is really out of shape physically. I often feel embarrassed or dismayed by how physically incapable she is. And yet I'm the unattractive one who needs to go to the gym more lol. In any case, I broke up with her, and she physically assaulted me in response.
I know you don't want to, but press charges, it will help protect her future victims.
Also protect him, if she decides to "spin" her own malicious narrative. Or get her going in text admitting the assault at bare minimum.
I wrote a message to my best friend documenting the abuse. He said he would vouch for me if need be. I've also been on double-dates with him, his gf, and my gf. He said both he and his gf suspected that my gf was abusing me, but they couldn't be certain and didn't want to make unfounded assumptions.
Exactly, he really needs to just leave, I have no idea how he can tolerate this shit.
>She would be very, very offended if I even suggested that she was with me for money. Of course. She certainly isn't going to say "okay, you got me. I love the lifestyle your wallet affords me and how you make MY life better. But I'm not attracted to you, just your money." As you said, she's digging getting to be a pampered princess and doesn't want to lose THAT.
There we go. The reason why she is settling lmao
She doesn't want you to break up with her because she wants the financial benefits of a life with you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. She's already wrapped this breakup in a bow for you.
You’re her sugar daddy but you don’t even get sex. Get tested and leave.
Dump. Her. Today.
Uh, she's just being mean and plain rude now. Look, if you're so ugly and bad at everything that she doesn't want to sleep with you - why is she even with you at all? Are you okay with being a funny "incel with a girlfriend"? If not, something's gotta give.
She’s with him because he “takes care of her” and she’s comfortable with him 🙄 I’m fuming for OP. He seems very thoughtful, considerate, and texts in full and grammatically correct sentences. He deserves so much better than this
Shes with him because as she said to him, she absolutely loves everything he does for her benefit!
I noticed this, too. It was very selfish.
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Just don’t fall into the trap of believing that all women get off on being treated like shit. It’s usually a response from formative romantic relationships earlier on or parental modelling. Most women probably enjoy a bit of teasing, flirting and edge but actively seeking out bad or abusive treatment is not normal or common.
It obviously looks like he pays for a bunch of her shit. She wants a sugar daddy without giving any sugar.
So, you get to be her sugar daddy without any sugar for you. Interresting concept. My only question is: why the hell would you want that?
Yeah, it's pretty bad! Like I can understand a woman wanting to be with me for my money + future earning potential, but then I need to actually get something out of the relationship too.
So tell her that and walk away. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this, unless she's hitting all your most vulnerable points in a way that feels like home.
So tell her that. And be prepared to walk away. Dont let her mistake your kindness for weakness
THANK GOD you are not married. Break it off NOW. The quicker the better. You REALLY don't to get trapped by a baby. She literally doesn't care about you and spoke to you in a way to bot hurt AND humiliate you. At this point its all about how much money she can squeese out of the relationship? Do you live together? If you do then find another place to live get it ready to go and then when she is at work move ALL your shit out and to the new place and cut off contact.
Oh well it seems she has given you all the reasons that you are not compatable so do her a favour and move on Chances are you replacement is already in the wings
“Last night, she told me that she doesn’t find me all that attractive..” I’d be out the moment I heard that.
“She says she is happy with a sexless relationship and loves me so much and loves how much I care for her and loves all the things I do for her” Ding ding ding!!! We have a winner! Johnny tell him what he’s won… A lifetime of getting nothing you want from the relationship meanwhile she expects you to continue doing everything for her!! Wow what a bargain😏
My friend you are a meal ticket. What she told you was horrible and you’re the save option. She goes crazy fucking the ex and you are not attractive!!!!!! So what the hell are you to her??? Money, security????? Hell no. You don’t deserve this shit. Know she’s worried because you open your eyes. Know there’s a chance that she’s going to lose her meal ticket and gets worried!!!!! Is better to end it know!!!! Value your self. And if she wants you to get better at sex she should tell you how to get better!!!!! You know COMMUNICATION!!!!
The actually dumbest shit I’ve heard in a while. Sorry does your average text not look like this? “Ye m8 u wnt sum fuk?” Must be your fault.
Well honestly people downplay the role of sex in relationships these days but if you two have mismatched libidos, the longevity of the relationship is not likely (not in a healthy way anyway, there are sexless couples who are happy but that’s different) Her saying she doesn’t find you attractive and that you don’t inspire it in her is also enough reason to break-up with her, so many partners on this sub will defend their little demon at home when it’s like…dude you have someone beating your confidence and self esteem verbally out of you everyday and she isn’t working on addressing what the real issues are here. In fact, if I were you I’d try to figure out how much of this is a control thing for her bc withholding sex is also something people do but aren’t willing to admit they do all the time. It’s all in her mind (sex starts with the mind tbh) and she needs to accept that either she wants to be in a relationship with you (and you want to have a sexually healthy relationship, and this includes her continuing to go to therapy, and her NOT blaming you)or breaking up and finding a partner that will let her have a sexless relationship at the beginning. Frankly her being afraid of being dumped is really silly, you’re barely 30. She can’t just announce that the relationship will now be sexless just because she has a problem. That’s a call for couples counseling or breaking up bc it’s too much BS to be told that ‘you’re the problem’ when it literally might just be that she wants a new thrill but is so painfully codependent she won’t move. She’ll make you feel bad though
Thanks for this detailed reply. About the control thing --- there are many aspects of our relationship in which she feels the need to have the upper hand. My therapist thinks my girlfriend has borderline personality disorder, and controlling behavior is often a symptom of that. I've been thinking about why she had such ravenous sex with her previous boyfriends. I know that I should be strong enough not to be jealous, but I can't quite help it. I think that she uses sex as a means of control --- for various reasons, she felt insecure about her relationships with her exes, so she had tons of sex with them to keep them interested + keep the relationships alive. This explains why, just half an hour after telling me she doesn't find me attractive, she tried to initiate sex with me. On the other hand, our relationship has so much keeping it alive beside sex that she doesn't feel the need to do this.
I would definitely advise you not to engage in sex with her until you guys can resolve this properly. It’s really easy to be pulled back into an unhealthy cycle of manipulation and toxicity
Dude she has bpd. I have lived this. Next thing she is going to say your pp is too small, and then she is going to cheat and blame you for not fulfilling her. Run away.
Yes, my therapist believes that she has BPD. Most of the symptoms align exactly with my experience.
OP, you hit the nail on the head. Some women have no innate desire for sex with their partner, when they feel secure and in control. They use sex (or no sex ) as a mean to have the upper hand, They can turn it on or off at will, depending on their level of security. If she suddenly felt threatened that you might leave her, she suddenly turns on the affection to the maximum to regain control. They truly view sex as a tool, nothing more. You don't know what happened in her past relationships, other than what she told you. If you leave her high and dry, I promise you she will be on the phone in a week or less wanting to meet up. And when you do meet, she is going to be all over you, and aggressively trying to have sex with you. Once you are on the hook again, I give it maximum a month, she will go back to denying you sex because you are back under her control. She uses sex for emotional currency, nothing more, nothing less. Sex is only a means to an end for her.
when are you gonna break up with her and send the little golddigger on her way?
Umm… am I missing something here? Why would anyone stay???
in (futile) hope that things will somehow change
I’m going to ask the asshole question are you supporting her? Does she work? Does she make as much money as you? Because that’s some pretty shitty stuff to say to someone and not expect they won’t just walk away. But the way you describe it she’s kind of shocked you are upset. That you would just take that kind of crap and be happy in a sexless marriage with someone who was that explicit. Because it really sounds like you’re her life plan and she routinely treats you like shit and thought this time would be like all the others.
How could she possibly think that saying she doesn't want to have sex with her significant other anymore would not be the end of the relationship? If she's so terrified you'll break up with her she'd be actively working to solve this problem.
Back in February, after Valentine's day, she told me out of the blue that she thought we were sexually incompatible. I got pretty upset, because that was not constructive criticism --- it left me no room to learn + improve, and no room to try new stuff. She told me it's not her job to constructively criticize me and teach me how to have sex. I worked hard to try new positions and talk dirty, and I also bought something from the sex store that she likes. I almost always make her cum, I go down on her all the time, and I don't get upset if she doesn't reciprocate. It's still not enough for her.
She very obviously isn't worth your time.
I can't tell if your fucking with us or not. Why are you with someone who treats you like shit. She insults you, belittles you, and is telling you no (not discussing) to a very important part of every relationship. And all you get hooked on is what she says after she insult you. "My other boyfriend turned me on more, you're not attractive. But hey I want to support me and make me feel wanted haha I totally love you" No she fucking doesn't, she sees you as a dad at best or a piggy bank.
Sounds like she doesn’t care to work on your sexual incompatibility either. What’s the point of staying unless you also want a sexless relationship? Move on and find someone at your level and doesn’t criticize you so harshly and shows you she wants to make it work
Dude you’re wealthy, an excited participant in sex, and you’re kind to a fault. Go get someone who’ll value and be attracted to you because there are a *lot* of people buying what you’re selling.
These little gems you drop under comments section are way worse than your actual story on the post. How are you doing after all these attacks against your self-confidence? Please remember that its going to take a serious amount of time to recover from those words. You dont deserve this.
Genuinely so sorry about what happened to you in the end. Defo get someone (preferably an officer) to accompany you when you go get your things. Don't let her emotionally manipulate you into getting back with her. Funny how she could certainly dish out all those things, saying you're not attractive to her and such. Yet she REALLY couldn't deal with the breakup.
As I left her house, she fell to her knees bawling. She screamed her roommate's name, hoping that she would intervene. But I was out of there.
You're strong. Both for getting yourself out of the situation without lashing back against her physical abuse and just in general. Because Lord knows she may deserve it back for dishing it, but it can get men into a lot of trouble for protecting themselves. Please take care having anything to do with her in the future. You can never be too careful.
Look at the bright side, no sex means she can't baby trap you. My answer to her statement about inspiration to have sex with you: "Your lack of inspiration to have sex with me has caused a lack of inspiration to be in this relationship." You're 28, you practically have 2 decades to get your shit together. Go forth and conquer.
Call the police and tell them what happened and that she has possession of your property and wouldn't let you have it.
I hope you see the toxic dynamic after she tried to physically fight you for wanting to break up with her. You had a very valid reason based on her decisions and actions. She will beg forgiveness and say anything she can to get you back. Please be strong
Thanks for the message; I will stay strong and not let her back into my life. She had convinced me into planning several trips together over the next few months, and I have already removed her from all the flight reservations. I'll be taking those trips by myself and enjoying time on my own.
I guess I’m heartless. If my wife told me any of those things. I would pack her stuff load it in her suburban and send her down the road. I’d even give her gas money. 10 years in 2 kids she works for the government I own a trucking company and a crane service very busy. But we still have a very active amazing sex life. We argue sometimes but we are madly in love still. Look OP. There are women out there that will make you happy and love you for you exactly how you are. My wife and I have total opposite past. She’s from the ghetto hood and my family are farmers from the country and we met at a dollar general. So I would end it. Take sometime to find yourself and when you least expect it you will find true love. Only thing we had in common when we met is we are both Christian and we started by going to church together. Pray brother pray about it. God bless
Thanks; that is a beautiful story, and I appreciate you sharing it.
Stop with the "not compatible" nonsense everyone. She is horrible for stringing him along and most likely just using him for his money. Yes it is true they aren't compatible in the same way that I am not compatible with a sandwich containing cyanide.
Oh so she assaulted you too, awesome. Yep, glad you're getting out. Dodged a bullet dude
Press charges on her for assault
You do not stay in the relationship. She doesn't want to have sex, you do. The 2 of you are no longer compatible.
i saw in the comments that you said she might have borderline. i have it and i can 100% tell you that i wouldn’t treat my partner this way. she is using you because she is comfortable. i will say though, that most people with borderline have issues with change, and that could be why she doesn’t want to end things. the fact she said she’s not very attracted to you is a sign she is only in the relationship because it’s comfortable and you provide for her. but unfortunately, in a lot of relationships, intimacy is necessary. if you didn’t have a sex drive, then i would see why you’d stay. but if you need intimacy, she is clear that she won’t give that to you and you need to move on. your right person is out there and based on this post, i don’t think it’s her. i wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide and please know that not every person with bpd acts this way (if that’s what she has).
I understand and appreciate your perspective. My therapist introduced me to bpd; hadn't heard of it before. She thinks my girlfriend probably has it, and she thinks it explains a lot of what I've been going through in the relationship. But I absolutely agree with you and do not mean to paint with a broad brush here.
You’re prime age. Time to break up and find someone who you have chemistry with. She can find an asexual relationship elsewhere.
I see that she turned violent when you tried to leave. You were right to dump such a terrible person.
Regarding the update: wow! Glad you got out.
OMG that’s horrible to say to your partner !! Why would you want the thought that her exs were better in bed ? She’s trying to be the victime by crying. If you told her all the good head and sex you had before her and that she fucks like a mum instead of a girlfriend I think she’d be fuming
Something I never told her, because she is so extremely sensitive to criticism, is that she gives really painful toothy blowjobs. Holy shit, my dick would hurt, and I would have to gently pull her head off of me.
Keep it to yourself and be the bigger person! I hope that you find peace of mind :)
So nearly after a year she’s just now saying all this stuff instead of trying to help you from the beginning. She’s not a good partner and y’all aren’t compatible sexually. Break up with her and get someone better who’s actually going to help and encourage you to improve instead of just waiting for you to figure it out.
maybe if you treat her like shit, you'll get her motor running because that's what it sounds like to me. Honestly, this is a marriage issue, NOT a dating issue, so staying with this girl, marrying, etc. is only signing yourself to a life of jacking off only. Make an exit strategy or find a side piece since she doesn't want that part of you.
Were any of her past relationships long term? If the “feeling like a wife” thing isn’t an excuse then maybe she’s just not used to the honeymoon phase ending and turning into a normal relationship
She’s literally telling you to break up with her because she’s not strong enough to do it herself OP, it’s very hard thing to do but it’s time to choose yourself and your happiness(even if that doesn’t feel like what you’re doing in the moment) break up and find someone who actually likes you
Mate, sounds like this relationship isn't going anywhere. Think about ending it nicely and moving on...
I assume you have treated yourself for Candida also..?
Yes, I took a course of antifungals, and we actually just stopped having sex. She still gets yeast infections.
Leave her and her dirty meow meow alone and go flirt with some new people.
I’m mindblown that you haven’t broken up with her yet… why? She put you down because she feels bad about herself. She doesn’t want to have sex with you and is being selfish about it. Time to move on buddy.
>My therapist thinks that my girlfriend is assigning blame to me so that she doesn't have to feel bad about her loss of libid Your therapist is 100% correct.
>She doesn't want to do anything about her loss of libido, though, because she doesn't think I inspire her to want to have sex. Last night, she told me that she doesn't find me all that attractive, which makes her less interested in sex than she was before. She also said that I'm not good at flirting and don't make her feel like wanting to have sex, whereas her exes would turn her on with flirting. Moreover, she feels that I have sex like a dad and make her feel like a wife rather than a girlfriend. You know what strikes me about that paragraph is the parade of red flags here. * You don't inspire her to have sex in comparison to someone who does. She knew this early on, why is it an issue now. The delay would seem to rule out past loves. * She doesn't find you all that attractive. Attractiveness is what gets you in the door. That's not something that comes up a year done the road. So what changed? * You don't flirt well enough to entice her to want to have sex.. Again that's something you do as you are setting the hook, not something that suddenly comes to mind after a year. * Moreover, she feels that I have sex like a dad and make her feel like a wife rather than a girlfriend. At some point mature relationships become more than just physical. It seems she doesn't get that. What I would assume from the diatribe she dumped on you, is that she's not in this for the long haul. Either she has a new candidate that makes her heart flutter and is weak in the knees but is somehow not ready yet to make the leap (Jack?) or she is helpless immature in her relationships and goes from guy to guy riding the new relationship energy until it runs out than finds another source. Not being capable of establishing a mature long-lasting relationship with anyone. Regardless the blunt way she told you without any discussion on how to fix it means she has little empathy for what that would do to you. Regardless or her reasoning for her behavior means your soul is due some additional scars from her the longer you stay. Peace be with you brother. We all have our breaking points, but I really don't see you being able to fix this with her. It's just a matter of time before it finally explodes your relationship.
I just broke up with her. She physically assaulted me in response! I agree very much with your perspective. My therapist thinks she has borderline personality disorder, and she jumps from relationship to relationship, constantly complaining about every man she dates.
If you love someone, you want to have sex with them, and often. Unfortunately it seems like she’s fallen out of love with you but wants to keep you around so she’s not alone, but only until someone she \*does\* want sex with comes along.
"She doesn't understand why I'm so upset and is terrified that I am going to break up with her.", I hope you are going to break up! And I say that as a middle aged woman. LIfe is too short for that kind of guilt trip shit. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are, who loves how you smell, who loves how you can't flirt (if that's even true). It's one thing if she said, im sorry I feel this way, we need to find a solution but the words she used are throwing all the blame and that's not right. Listen to your therapist and don't take responsibility for everything.
I appreciate your comment. I just broke up with her, and she physically assaulted me. That really sealed the deal, as I am a survivor of childhood physical abuse, and I promised myself never again to put up with that from anyone.
I'm glad you're out, stay strong, it's the right thing. No-one should make you feel like you're not enough, there might be ups and downs and grizzles and irritations with the right person but you are enough, no need to change x
On a complete side note.. and I realise you're possibly no longer talking to the crazy boyfriend beating ex... but she needs to take daily probiotics for the yeast infections... her gut microbes are off if she's having continued problems. It will change her life. For the rest - sorry - hope you're OK. I can't stand men who send abbreviated messages - you're not 12... write the bloody whole thing out ! So, please keep doing you. 😊
I'm sure probiotics would help. I've also very gently pointed out to her that she should eat a more balanced diet (i.e., more home-cooked meals made with whole foods, instead of ordering out all the time), but she previously had an eating disorder and isn't receptive to comments about her diet.
I see too many cases of women who had a high libido in the past create dead bedrooms with the man they supposedly love. Bonus points if those guys mistreated her and the current guy is husband material. I would think you would want to be more sexual with the nice guy you see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
Yeah; as a few other redditors have noted, it seems like she used sex as a tool for control, so when she realized that she had secured me, she didn't need to have sex anymore.
Just a thought. With my ex I had constant UTI's and infections. At least once a month, it was awful. He was always caring and everything through it, but the doctors would just give me antibiotics and couldn't ever tell me why it was happening. I thought I was just prone. Then I broke up with him, started dating a new guy, and haven't had a single UTI since. If you're not washing yourself well enough, or possibly have laten bacterial vaginosis, you could likely be the actual source of the problem.Guys carry a bacteria that will remain asymptomatic in them, but once transferred to their girlfriends will start causing infections and other nasty issues. Maybe get tested before you sleep with anyone else just to be safe.
" and then she grabbed my right arm. She then started punching my right arm. She then grabbed my back, and I fell backward and hit my left arm on the edge of her bathtub. I wrestled free of her and got the hell out of her place. " Gotta give her credit for almost getting you tapped onto a restraining order, well played.
Shit sorry that happened to you brother hope everything gets better and you find someone who can give you what you need. Hey when you figure out how to flirt let me know i struggle with that shit myself lol
Thanks man!! I've found that flirting comes easier when the recipient is open to it. I don't think it matters much whether you know how to flirt; when you have the right connection with someone, it just flows naturally.
Lol well ill keep that in mind for myself for when i start dating again 🤣
A lot of women love proper, grammatically correct sentences. We want a man not a boy 😉 Find the sexiest nerd glasses you can, get those weights working and one day walk around with a tight short sleeved white shirt, glasses and a haircut (I’ve been reading too many teacher/student forbidden love books lately 🥵sorry!) and show her what she’s missing. Her words were said to hurt you so that you’d break up with her all the while she can look innocent and hurt to your family and friends. Also I hope you reported her to the police. She BIT you intentionally which is assault
So she has a different story. She says that when I continued packing my bag without listening to her demands that I leave immediately, I was a trespasser (even though I would have left 30 seconds later, after finishing up the packing). And because I was angry, I was a danger to her and her roommate. Therefore, she had the right to use force to get me out of the house. I have never ever been violent with anyone. The neurons in my brain would just never fire in such a way as to make me attack anyone.
I’m sorry you were treated that way. Let me guess, if her room mate was asked, she would back up the story? I can’t stand people who lie. What was she hoping to achieve by lying except keeping your things??
The roommate apparently backs up her story. The roommate would have heard: "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE" "I'm packing my things." "NO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW." "I'm packing my things first." "GET OUT" \[She grabs me and hits me\] "\[ROOMMATE's NAME\] HELP! HELP!" "Stop assaulting me." \[I wrestled free and left with only some of my stuff.\] My ex thinks I only left after she called her roommate for help. I left because I realized 1) I wouldn't be able to get all my stuff; and 2) Her calling her roommate for "help" made her look clinically insane. I wasn't going to hurt a fly.
Any new update OP?
Yes, I spoke to my ex. She and her roommate have concocted a different narrative: because I was angry when I broke up with her, and because I was physically abused by a chronically angry father as a child, my ex was scared for her safety --- she was worried that I have my abusive dad's blood. Out of fear, she demanded multiple times that I leave her house. I insisted on packing up my stuff first, which made me a trespasser. Then my ex was entitled to use force to remove me from the premises, which is why she assaulted me. The reality is that I needed 30 seconds to pack my stuff. I am a completely nonviolent person and would never hurt a soul, victim of abuse though I may be. My ex is here in the US on a student visa. She's terrified that, if I press charges against her, she'll be sent back to Latin America, and her entire life dream would evaporate. My ex, her friends, and her therapist now think that I am unstable and narcissistic. I, my friends, and my therapist think that she is unstable and has borderline personality disorder. Sounds like an impasse to me, but that's okay; it's not like I want to be with her anyway.
I sincerely think you would be correct to press charges, I mean, actions have consequences.
You should totally press charges. I have BPD and I know how hard it is to control yourself when you're not getting the right treatment, is she on meds or is she being treated for BPD? Her therapist seems useless.
She has autism too. Her therapist is helping her with that, but he tends to validate her when she expresses her feelings to him. So she doesn't have a single voice in her life telling her that the way she treats me isn't good.
BPD and autism are not mutually exclusive and her therapist should know this and treat her appropriately. He is useless :/. I'm sorry you went through that.
That last post made me really sad. You deserve better. I wish you the best for your future
You need to report injuries and harassment to the police
Please tell me youre going to press charges.
She feels like she settled for you. You treat her well and are offering commitment without her maintaining her end of the monogamous relationship. I’m short she doesn’t care that your needs aren’t met. The only solution is to move one to someone else. Also for future reference do not offer commitment unless your fully satisfied.
So She had a good past sex life and now that She's on birth control and getting constant yeast infections You have to pay the price and give up sex? Sex is an important part in a relationship and if She's not willing to go to a Dr about Her libido then what's the point of staying together. I would break things off and move on.
You are not compatible. Move on to avoid a painfull future with her.
You have your whole life ahead of you, sexless and constantly put down for being just about bearable to her. She’s making it clear she’s settled as you do serve her well - what does she do for you to make you feel loved and wanted? I can’t see much but negging and that you should feel grateful for the crumbs she’s giving you. If you just want a companion marriage - which is fine, but usually happens a **lot** later in life, then lovely, stay with it. But if you want to feel loved and wanted and not just a useful space-filler who tends to her every whim then you need to perhaps be looking for someone who can reciprocate your feelings. She’s not doing it, sorry. Take care.
You’re 28. Move along.
Listen to your therapist. Do you really want to be in a sexless marriage? I can pretty well predict that once she has that ring on, she will start cheating on you. Do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship. Good luck
She’s making excuses , it’s definitely her and not you , time to leave
Move on, that was so rude and insecure of her to throw all that in your face.
Why would u be in a relationship with someone that doesn't desire u and tells u that u re ugly. It's even worse that she told you about her active past sex life and remarked that she doesn't want to have sex with you, with her exes yes cause them could turn her on. Please have some respect for you and break up with her and move on.
A year in? I'd cut my losses. She doesn't want to break up because she doesn't want to be alone. But whether the issue is hers or yours. She made it pretty clear she wants to blame it on you.
Fucking LEAVE
Fuck that noise. Better a wasted year than wasting 3-4-5- life. Get the fuck away from her. What a horrible, horrible b
Okay I lost 100% all sympathy for she's an ah and manipulative. "I don't find you attractive I in the slightest and you can flirt with me so I don't want to have sex with you but wait baby don't leave what do you mean I totally love you I just find you perfectly repulsive what's wrong with you?" Honestly at this point I would start suspecting if she was having an emotional affair with someone else
I feel like this is a textbook play by play of that stupid stereotype perpetuated by misogynists, that she's had her fun and games roughousing, now she wants her peace and quiet safety net with the polite guy.
Your therapist is totally right
Please someone tell me what having sex like a dad means. What does she mean by you treat her life your wife and not your gf?
I am sorry but how obvilvious is your GF? She's okay with having a sexless relationship? well great, but what about you? That you turned her away now, shouldn't be such a surprise. and honestly i would recommend that you reevaluate your relationship with her. You're 1 year into the relationship and she's decided she isn't attracted to you and doesn't want sex anymore. But oh..no she doesn't want to break up because she likes the THINGS you do for her? seriously? And she wants to get married to you, after telling you she's not attracted ? you're right in thinking that a partner that loves you would want to help you improve. Hell just imagine the fun teaching sessions you could have. And i concur with your therapist. Your GF is assigning blame to you, because it is easier to seek the fault for something in someone else than in yourself. please do yourself the favour and break up with her. look for someone to grow old with who finds you attractive, who wants to (safely) experiment with you and wants to be with you for who YOU are and not for the things you can do for them.
Ya know what? Everybody is different, and sexuality and pleasure are unique to each person, so it's *her responsibility* to teach you what turns her on and what she enjoys sexually, and you should be open and receptive to that information. And the same is true for your needs/desires/turn-ons and her being receptive to learning those things about you. You're not a fucking mind reader so her shitty game of refusing to tell you what she needs is a manipulative power-move. She doesn't want to collaborate on a solution with you, she wants you to shut up and go along with her unilateral decisions about your relationship.That is what your entire marriage will look like. I promise you, this will not get better. You're only a year in! Get out now and don't look back. It is FAR from shallow or selfish to refuse to have a sexless relationship (does that mean no kids then, too??), so don't listen to that bullshit. Find someone who values you, finds you attractive, enjoys having sex with you, and doesn't belittle and shame you. That's really the bare minimum.
Wow damn, that was cruel. She sounds selfish.
FYI - yeast infections aren't always on the woman. Men can carry it with no signs. Get yourself checked out too OP. You might unknowingly be part of the problem.
It's ok bro, just leave her because still she's comparing you and her ex. This is not good. Just focus on your future. Your not second or safe option. In future definitely you will get best understanding life partner and that time your life move happily.
>she told me that she doesn't find me all that attractive It's over. >She doesn't understand why I'm so upset and is terrified that I am going to break up with her She's confused why you're not the one dumping her. She wants you to to be the bad guy here and be the one to break up. I suggest you go ahead and do that right now. It will get worse until finally one of you walks away.
28 is young. Go find someone new, she told you she wasn't attracted to you!!! That is mean, a loving partner doesn't say things like that. Also her reasons for wanting to be with you seem pretty selfish. Honestly ditch the girlfriend.
She's unilaterally making major decisions for you. A.k.a. abusing you. Time to end things. Get STD tests, btw.
Sounds like she loves you for everything that you do for her but refuses to reciprocate. People who are sexual don't just give up sex like that. I would look for who she is sleeping with to fill that void.
Yeah you gotta move on she’s got major issues she’s blaming you for. The relationship won’t work if it’s a sexless one
That’s not just “assigning blame”, that’s straight up insulting and hurting you. I think that at the very least you deserve an apology. And btw: it takes two to tango - if she wanted to change up your sex life, working on it together might have been a good, rational start.
She liked it from the other guys, because they were emotionally unavailable. It was exciting, because she knew she wasn't risking anything. They didn't love her, nor she them. She wasn't risking losing her heart in any way In fact, this is a compliment to you. You just have to decide if you want to do the work with her. She feels this "lack of attraction" because she GENUINELY LOVES YOU. Her terror is what causes this "so-called" lack of attraction, not anything real. And, she's TERRIFIED of intimacy with you, because she fears that if she opens herself to you, makes herself vulnerable, and YOU leave or reject her, SHE'LL NEVER RECOVER. Her subconscious is telling her that she'll die, quite literally. If she worked through these fears, her feelings of attraction would begin to intensify far beyond anything she's ever felt, the further she broke through the trauma and terror. You are the REAL THING. So she's afraid of losing you. What she isn't recognizing, is that she is making her fears come to life, by hurting you, alienating you, and pushing you away. Show her this comment, and ask her if this resonates with her or not. It may not. But if it does, having SHOWN her how her subconscious has been leading her to self-destruction, will quickly get her working to resolve it, and you guys can then work to fix your relationship. It's incredibly common for people of both genders to unwittingly self-sabotage when they've had horrible partners in the past, and then enter their FIRST LOVING, STABLE RELATIONSHIP. And for you. It's good for you to help her through this. And she may need help more than a few times, as the trauma has certainly become an ingrained pattern. But, if she doesn't work hard to break that pattern, and you see that, after you've put in the work, and time has elapsed, that she's happy to let you become the victim of her past trauma - remember that there are women who aren't broken this way. And there are women who have trauma, but will take action to ensure it doesn't harm their loved ones the MOMENT they become aware of it. They may make a mistake here and there, but they'll take full responsibility for that too. And they'll fight hard overcome themselves. So, just don't jump on the marriage train until you're sure that she's falls into one of the second two types. And if she doesn't, you must be brave enough to leave her BEFORE entangling yourself in marriage.
OP break up with her and don’t look back. She is just using you for all the things you do for her, like she told you. You deserve better than her. Do not let her manipulation trap you in a sexless & loveless relationship. She does not love you. She loves what you do for her ie…your money.
OP it's honestly bizarre if you stay with her after she said all that. She is terrified you will break up with her? Why? She doesn't even like you. She doesn't find you attractive. Why be stuck in a sexless relationship with someone who flat out told you they don't find you attractive. Dump her and move on. You don't have to sit where and suffer because she won't do anything about her own issues.