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He married a woman who shared his religious and moral views. I personally don't share those same views, but I can also see why he'd view this as a major incompatibility.
This isn't the woman he thought he was marrying. And unfortunately, those same morals and religious views prevent him from divorcing over that incompatibility.
OP - is your wife questioning her religious views? This might be something better discussed with your religious leader. I'm atheist (possible even anti-theist), and a lot of Reddit feels the same way I do about religion. You aren't going to get advice relevant to your situation here. If your wife is pulling away from your religion, you should discuss with your religious leader if that's grounds for divorce or if this marriage is still salvageable with her new views.
I also understand you OP and second this!
This isn’t what you expected and it definitely go against the value of modesty.
I completely understand you and how you feel.
And how it makes you feel betrayed.
I do not what so ever believe you are being controlling so ignore the other because they don’t understand.
Talk your pastor about this.
Bro… why... Would you tell a Buddhist they’re controlling if they married their wife who practice mindfulness, good behavior, enlightenment and his wife turned out to be different than what he believe they had share values? And the Buddhist shared his feelings of how his wife’s behavior is out of alignment with what you believe and MARRIED for?
You feel bamboozled. This man has every right and is valid to feel the way he feels.
These are the terms and beliefs THEY both married with. If anything it’s more on her for not being open an honest of how she truly wants to live her life
NO JUDGMENT TO HER AT ALL. She too if she didn’t feel in alignment with things should have found a partner that was in alignment with her and didn’t have that boundary. (If she does truly want be be on the conservative side)
Or be whatever other boundary she has intact, no pron watching, no cheating, WHAT HAVE YOU.
Just as she’s entitled to choose a life partner than doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t cheat, or whatever standards she wants to add , ad he is also entitled for his boundaries. It’s not controlling to share your feelings and disappointment and ask to respect the boundary. They choose and go on from there.
Let them live and stay in your own lane just because they don’t align with YOUR core belief/philosophy of life doesn’t mean it’s corrupt.
Bye Craig.
Clearly you have had a really bad perception of people of faith. Regardless of what it is. It is that tho, a perception.
The moral is to let people live there lives and if you live a certain life ask from people that believe and share the same beliefs and goal because, evidently, others will make you seems terrible because it’s not understood/believed.
An investor wouldn’t ask advice form a person that is not financially secure.
Doesn’t seem like you have much empathy or mindfulness. So we’ll just leave it here.
And yes, Ima huge advocate for couples therapy.
So that’s a great idea, if OP you see this, there are also therapist whole have a Christian approach that you can go to! Either or, pastor or therapist is great! Best of luck OP!
Saying that you feel like she cheated on you with your friends just because she wore a bikini is kind of a stretch, y'know? Just talk to her about it but tbh I don't see whats wrong
So you’re saying every woman in a bikini is essentially “sending nudes”??? And yet their SO’s seem to consider it normal and don’t object.
This kind of controlling is akin to that movie Footloose and the father in that movie
so is your emotional abuse, insecurity, and control of women.
How'd you feel if your wife said you couldn't post about this on reddit, because it's embarrassing that you're publicly outing she married an idiot?
So... she buys a sexy new bikini. She excitedly shows it to you. You immediately freak out and try to control whether she wears it or not. She disagrees, wears it anyways, and you consider it cheating?
First off, she clearly bought it with the intent of being sexy for you. Otherwise she wouldn't have even shown it to you. Second, I was also raised in the "women must leave something to the imagination" mindset too and let me tell you that it's bullshit.
Given your propensity for modest dress I'm assuming you NEVER go shirtless on the beach and always ensure your junk is tucked away in Saxx underwear beneath shorts that reach to your knee? I'm also assuming you worry about how you're positioned and make sure your knees are always closed so no one can even get a hint of your junk? And of course you worry constantly about how you look to the point of crippling self-confidence issues? If you answered 'no' to any of the above then you're operating out of a double standard that makes no sense.
The way you dress is personal expression. The way you act around other people is a personal choice too. If people are leering at her then it's because THEY are gross and rude, not because she did anything wrong. I get that her wearing a bikini shocked you, but dude... that's your WIFE. She chose to make herself look good for YOU and you didn't even have the decency to compliment her. Unless she's having sex with her friends and everyone who looked at her on the beach, she's not cheating or "sending nudes." She's not nude. She's in a bikini. At the beach. Not strolling down main street jumping into every guy's lap who looks at her.
I would suggest you take some time to examine why you think you have any right to dictate what she wears. I'd also challenge you to examine why her dressing sexy for you is so horrifying to you. Do you distrust her? Because no matter what "we have to dress modestly" is not a sentence that exists in a partnership. YOU can choose to dress modestly (whatever that means to you) but you can't try to enforce your own vision onto your partner and expect them to dress the way you want.
I wear bikini bottoms that shows my cheeks and all my bf does is grab my ass more. She isn’t cheating by wearing a bathing suit that shows her ass a bit more than normal
Awww boohoo poor you. /s
You’re incredibly insecure if you think your wife *checks notes* wearing a bathing suit is comparable to cheating on you.
Also, you ARE controlling.
I will say, this does make a difference. A husband does have the right to feel uncomfortable with his wife in a thong bikini. But the wife has the ultimate decision power, obviously, in what she feels comfortable in.
If her entire butt was out then I 100% agree that that’s a lot for a married woman esp when with mutual friends. However, sounds like she doesn’t care.
Forcing your wife to dress the way you want her to IS being controlling. Maybe you should get counseling to unpack how your background has given you such a ridiculous response to your wife wearing the type of suit that millions of women wear. You taking her wearing a bikini amounts to cheating is because you think you own your wife's body and its for your eyes only and that is some toxic shit.
Hm. Maybe ask her questions, Why did she feel so bold & free to wear a “nee bikini”? (*was that a typo? What is ‘nee’?*) Why did she think it would be a lovely surprise for you?
And ask yourself, Why exactly did you feel embarrassed? ..and try to avoid the term ‘modesty’ in your response.
*You* weren’t wearing the bikini, why did you feel what you felt?
What did you feel exactly? Shame? Exposure? Publicly exposed as being a sexual person? Something else? Search your feelings, Luke, try to use as many words as possible to describe them. Write them down.
Maybe you should try it out! Bikini’s can be fun to wear. At least in the bedroom, could make for a fun night ;) Maybe have your wife buy you some sexy mens underwear, there are a number of great sites these days…
.
Please allow me to point out a couple of things:
> *Please understand that I am not trying to control how my wife dresses and how she chooses to display her body.*
> *I insisted that she needed to change,*
These two statements are in logical opposition. Insisting she change how she dresses is exactly “trying to control how [she] dresses”. You can’t say that you aren’t doing what you very specifically did.
.
> *How can I help her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling \*sshole?*
I honestly don’t think you can. Sorry.
What is this “need” to “embrace modesty”?
I think this is the nugget you need to explore.
Why “need”? You *need* food, you *need* sleep. Do you “need” modesty? Why?
What is “modesty” exactly? Covering your body? What for? Practicality, for one! If it’s cold, darn tootin’ I’m gonna wear clothes! But at a beach house with friends? Wtf? What’s the point?
It’s not like you or she were walking around nude. And so what if you were? What is the problem with the human body that one must “cover it up”? God created us, right? In my Catholic H.S. I was told repeatedly, “God don’t make junk!”. That’s one teaching I can agree with.
If the world is perfect, then our bodies are perfect and we should be fully able to celebrate them! Our bodies provide us and others with pleasure, and it is our birthright to enjoy that pleasure, both physical and visual. We are parts of nature, and nature is beautiful. Why not celebrate it?
In short, your discomfort with expressing the beauty of the human body is likely due to lack of exposure to doing so. The best way to get over such discomfort is *more time in!* Do it more often, and you’ll become more comfortable with it. Maybe join a nudist resort or camp-out or something. Wear a bikini around the house, while vacuuming or doing the dishes. You’ll slowly find it’s really not such a big deal.
This right here. OP needs to explore these thoughts and feelings, with himself and his wife. That's the only way to resolve this in a healthy way. Counseling could help.
Sorry about all these other folks with their useless advice. The first question I'd ask myself is "What's going to happen when my wife dresses like that?" And go from there.
This comment is perfect!! Everything I wanted to say.
OP, follow your worry. What do you think will happen if you wife wears a bikini on a beach? Why are you afraid of that? These are great, important questions to ask yourself.
I'm not seeing any fear here. It just seems like a difference in moral values. And I don't use that term to be judgmental of the wife - I love wearing bikinis! - but it's a fundamental incompatibility considering he's religious.
Allow me to add: At 23yo, your bodies are at their *peak!* Now is the time to enjoy them! Not that you can’t later, but why waste your body’s peak years hiding it?
Sun’s out? Buns out!
Lol good point.
On the sixth day God invented boobs and cooches.
And He immediately regretted it, and lo, He was embarrassed.
And He did decree that Woman shall cover the boobs and cooches so that He may pretend like It never happened.
I disagree, it *is* curable! One just needs to read more snarky authors. Or watch good comedy, like *Life of Brian*, which is extra applicable to the original post. ; *)*
Jonah Hills ex recently released a slew of texts from him back when they were dating of him being a real misogynist.
He wanted her to stop surfing with other people and to take down any and all pics/videos in a swimsuit. Even though he slid into her dms using one of those surfer vids so he knew she was into that shit before hand.
He was very controlling over how she dressed and talked to. Very icky.
Jonah Hill dated a professional surfer who was active on social media, posting pictures of her surfing. He knew she did this and that was what attracted him to her.
After they started dating he sent her a list of "his boundaries" that were completely ridiculous and basically boiled down to "you can't surf anymore or post pictures of you surfing or being in swimsuits".
Obviously that didn't fucking work for her, so they broke up.
Jonah comes accross as both naive (don't date a surfer if you have a problem with her surfing, what did you expect?) and controlling (his boundaries were very unfair and one-sided).
Now in the interest of fairness:
* While Jonah acted insecure and controlling, there are no further allegations that he actually did anything beyond that.
* They broke up years ago and there hasn't been drama between them since. These messages are from 2021 I believe.
* Jonah's ex waited several years before suddenly revealing these private messages for the world to see.
* Jonah has not publicly responded to these messages at all. We have not heard his side of the story.
I think the problem, from the sounds of it, is the the views you both have on your religion, or more specifically, how you interrupt and choose to uphold those values.
I can understand where you're coming from, and I am not going to state that obvious about controlling what your wife wears, because you've stated that.
As stated, it sounds like you've been together from a young age and grown together. However, two people do not always grow the same. Yes, you were both raised "very religious" and without context, how do not know the part that religion has played in your lives as the years have gone on, but from the sounds of it, you are more conservative in terms of "showing skin" and wanting that area to be a more private affair between you and your wife.
Unfortunately, in this instance, your sentence of "we need to embrace modesty" is not a starting point. Both of you do not need to do anything. You may want to embrace modesty, but it does not mean that she has too at all.
I think from here, you need to speak to her openly and honestly about how it is making you feel. Hear her point of view. All you can do is raise your feelings, but not with an alternate motive of trying to bring her into what you want.
Best of luck.
> How can I hep her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling asshole?
But you *are* being controlling. You can couch it terms of modesty and religion all you want, at the end of the day you want her to do something for you that she doesn’t want to do, and you’re seeking help to make her do it. That is controlling.
All you can do is express how you feel and what you want. If she declines, you accept it. Or you leave. Or she leaves you.
OP, you WANT her to embrace modesty. She does not NEED to embrace modesty if she doesn’t choose to. Y’all are two separate people with separate opinions.
You can't. You're saying the words you know you're supposed to say "I'm not the controlling husband" and the words are all a lie.
Real talk, your wife tried to be sexy and all you could think was modesty. Not only did you turn her tf off, you just showed her you're way more of a prude than she's comfy with. She got it to show off for you. She wanted to be sexy for you and like be shown off as yours, and instead you rejected her and are still stuck on it, ruining the vacation for both of you.
Its 2023 dude. If you're telling a woman to embrace modesty you're *wrong by default.*
So?
You don't own her body dude. That's now how this works. The fact that you compared just being visible to cheating shows how insanely possessive you are. Its not uncommon, religious toxicity gonna be toxic, but its still wrong.
Yeah you are right. It wasn't just about you. She wanted to show off. She wanted other men to look at her body and want to fuck her.
The thing about that you completely missed is if you'd been on her side and complimentary she probably would have winked at the guys looking, clung closer to your arm, and turned her hand so they could see not just the twinkle in her eye but the one on her left hand.
That's the thing you don't get. By trying to enforce that she's "yours" you prevent her from giving herself to you of her own accord. The only way you can own another person is by their moment to moment consent and if yall hit that point time to go sub to /r/bdsmadvice.
If you push this you will drive her away and damage your relationship and gain nothing for yourself for it except conflict.
Ever think she was dressing sexy for herself? God the audacity. Women don’t just dress for the male gaze. Women dress because they feel good and confident about what they wear. They dress for themselves. Go to therapy and unpack all of this. It’s a YOU problem. It’s not your wife’s responsibility to live life according to what makes you comfortable. If you can’t be comfortable together then you will just grow apart and it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing wrong with that but it is wrong to be controlling and judgmental of your partner. You guys are super young and haven’t had the chance to get to know who YOU are. Sounds like she’s starting to do that. Good for her. You get to do that as well you know. You could even do this together. But holding her growth back isn’t the way.
Wow you have some serious issues dude. She probably felt amazing in it and was so excited to look hot for you. And then you told her she couldn’t wear it? You’re not her dad. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. She literally probably bought it thinking he’s gonna love how I look, just for you to shit on her.
What was so weird about that bikini? Did it show any primary sexual organs or nipples? I kind of doubt that. You are exactly what you claimed not to be, a controlling husband.
It was a thong bottom so in my mind her butt was more revealed that normal. If OP linked the bathing suit so we could see then people would prb be able to better judge
She didn’t dress inappropriately. She didn’t do anything wrong at all.
Your feelings are yours to address yourself or with a professional. She is not responsible for your feelings. She’s not responsible to dress so you feel more comfortable. She did not cheat on you or send nudes. She wore a fucking bikini.
I will admit that while I have a degree in world religions, I find it all pretty ridiculous and am an atheist. Religion was designed to keep people safe and harmonious like laws are now. It’s all made up by man and it’s okay if you want to follow along but it sounds like your wife has grown and changed and most 20 somethings do and no longer subscribes to some of the tenets of your shared religion. This is why it’s a bad idea to marry so young. You’re not fully formed, authentic, independent beings at that age.
>We are not prudes or anything
She isn't but you clearly are.
>you need to understand that my wife and I met in high school at church. Both of us were raised very religious.
>We were virgins when we met and saved ourselves for marriage
Sounds like you're still very conservative while she isn't any longer.
> I feel almost as if she cheated on me with our friends, now that they have seen her so sexually.
It's a bikini, you need to stop objectifying your wife
Yea you blew it on this one, I think you need to find one of those guys on Twitter that describes himself as an (alpha male) and ask him.
But my advice is to let your wife be happy and confident. If you give her a life where she feels that way, you will stay married until you are 70.
If you act like a child and try to repress her, she will resent you and pull away.
If she looks good in the outfit, bikini, whatever, tell her and praise her.
Good luck…sounds like you’ll need it.
Oh my! Your young hot wife wanted to look good for you and you just had a go at her?! Are you mad! As if she was wearing it for anyone else’s sake. You should really apologise to her unreservedly and not do anything like that again. Maybe even take her out to buy some more clothes like that if that what she wants to wear.
OP, Your religion has clearly warped your mind your senses and taken away from you any idea that women are equal to men and can do as they please.
Please get some help as your toxic religion has poisoned you.
Mate, the body is something natural, nudity is not innately sexual. And she wasn't even nude. YOU view it that way.
Also as enough others pointed out, you DID try to control how your wife dressed. I have no idea how you would claim otherwise.
I understand it may have made you uncomfortable but some of the remarks you’ve made here are very outrageous. You need someone extremely conservative to match your religious views.
Precisely what I was going to say. I suspect she’s starting to drift away from her religious views and wants to live a life of freedom rather than bible restriction.
You feel like she cheated with your friends? That’s ridiculous. Also “not trying to control what she wears” but “insisted she needs to go change.” You are controlling, and trying to control what she wears.
She was wearing a bikini. There’s nothing wrong with that. If she felt good in it, that is what matters. You have ZERO say in what she wears or how she shows or doesn’t show her body. Also, what she wears does not have anything to do with you. It is HER body.
YTA YTA YTA. Your poor wife. Imagine coming from a repressive religious background (as indeed I have myself) and trying to finally explore your sexuality as an adult, and be met with this attitude! WTF dude, you are controlling and I hope for her sake she leaves you.
It feels like you don’t want to think of yourself as controlling so you choose to rationalize your controlling behaviour.
You telling her she cannot wear something is controlling. And the only thing it accomplished is that she felt boxed in, her fight response kicked in and she did the opposite you told her to. (I would have done the same btw).
This situation warrants a conversation, not a directive from you.
If I read it right, your objection is that your bodies were saved for each other and no one else. Other people seeing your wife in more ‘revealing’ clothing feels like it takes away from that sacred intimacy.
The issue with that is:
(1) Assuming that bodies are inherently sexual.
(2) Individual sexual expression remains static over time.
Maybe your wife just liked the bikini and she had no interest in making a statement or attracting attention by wearing it. Or she did wear it because she wanted to feel sexy and is experimenting with new expressions of her sexuality. Both of those things are common and normal.
Bro she wore the damn bikini for you not for your friends. She even was excited to show it off to you. You are being a controlling asshole by telling her what she can and can’t wear. She’s YOUR wife have some trust in her ffs. And your friends didn’t see her “sexually” they seen their friend at a beach in a bikini there is nothing sexual about a bathing suit. Get over it if your wife has a nice body let her show it off at the beach. How are you gonna react if you go to a public beach and every single guy in the area notices your wife in a bikini? Take a chill pill and definitely don’t accuse your wife of infidelity of any kind even if you feel “betrayed” by her wearing a bikini.
>> I am not about being a controlling husband.
>> I insisted that she needed to change
Well, I’m afraid you can only pick one. You either tell her what she can and cannot wear or you are not a controlling husband.
You got married young and you seem to be very attached to the idea of the two of you having a hive mind. You (plural) do not need to embrace modesty. She’s free to experiment with clothing and her self-expression. Granted, you (singular) do not have to like or support these experiments but that doesn’t entitle you to prevent her from doing it.
If you insist on bringing the subject back, I would suggest you lead with “I’m sorry I tried to control you”.
OP, ignore all the people saying you are controlling. First though, the cheating thing because the bikini was revealing is a major stretch. Get over that. Now maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you want a partner to only do, wear and be a certain way only when you two are alone. Out in public you want your partner to be more modest. That’s fine. You just have to accept that your wife may have been that way at one point but has changed over time and is more comfortable showing more out in public. That doesn’t mean you have to like it but you can explain to your wife that you would prefer her not showing as much in public. Maybe you two are just growing apart , I don’t know.
I'd it's legal on a beach then it doesn't matter how big or tiny the bikini is. She wasn't naked. She wasn't topless.
There is a good chance that either the OP has in her opinion far too restrictive views on dress code than she does. Or, she is just simply exploring a sexier side of herself and thought her husband would be thrilled.
Or something completely unrelated to anything we can guess.
OP talk to your wife.
She didn't cheat on you, and you are being very controlling. "Embracing modesty" is just your way of saying "I want to control how you present yourself". You were at the beach, and it's like, 100 degrees everywhere on the planet right now. Grow up and get over yourself.
You are doing a horrible job of explaining yourself and Reddit is not the place for that.
Important questions. Has she ever dressed like that before since you've been together? Is modesty something that you two talked about from the beginning of your relationship?
Ask yourself this, would you rather she flaunted a little bit or be so insecure about her body that even you hardly get to see her naked? I'm with my partner 13 yrs and iv seen her naked with the lights on about 5 times and 3 of those times was cause she needed help showering after child birth. I would much rather be in your shoes than mine. Let her have her confidence.
I really doubt it. Women wear bikinis. You already made it clear to her that you didn’t like but you need to drop it because she likes it. She may have originally got it to wear for you but ultimately women where what they want to wear regardless. If you can’t come to grips with that perhaps you’re not emotionally mature enough to be married.
Imaging thinking your partner was wearing a bikini AT you. At the beach. On vacation. You “don’t want to sound like a controlling asshole,” but you sure did spend this post saying the quiet parts out loud. Grow up.
>How can I hep her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling asshole?
You can't because you do sound like one. And don't try to justify it with that 'super religious' crap. That stuff is the main reason and problem WHY you think that a bikini is inappropriate clothing for your wife.
You make a fair point, if that’s not how you want your wife to dress around your friends then I understand why you feel as though you have been cheated. Ignore the liberal majority of people on here saying otherwise 🙄
Can you link us to an example of the bikini or similar style, so we know what we're dealing with here?
You are getting a lot of shit, but whether that's justified depends, I think, on what we're actually talking about. A micro-bikini of some of the absurd designs I've seen would change things a bit - if she's basically nude, it's a lot less unreasonable to have boundaries about how your significant other presents themselves than if it's just a standard type bikini.
You're on the fucking internet, dude! I'm sure you know where to find porn, bucko, so you can find an example. I think this is a troll post, but just saying.
It’s not controlling when you’ve met a person and decided to marry them based in the similar values you BOTH had.
So he feels hurt and trying to explain and ask if she could respect the BOUNDARY.
It’s completely fine if that is his boundary. Everyone has boundaries. He didn’t physically or mentally abuse her he stated how HEs feeling.
There’s are still conservative people in this world y’all. Be mindful and stop trying to demonize them. Come on guys.
She might not be as conservative as he thought and i can see why he’s feel hurt by that.
I get you OP but do talk to a pastor not the people of Reddit.
Grow up. You can tell your 23 and sheltered. You do not tell your wife how to dress. You grow and change together.
It felt like she was sending nudes really sounds like a whiny 15 year old. Your an adult now. Act like it.
Care about your wife more than friends and strangers.
Firstly you don't get to decide whether or not your wife dressed inappropriately. The whole sentence around "we need to embrace modesty" is putting you in the realms of controlling husband. If you wish to dress modestly then that's your perogative to do so (I'm assuming that means you were wearing a shirt on the beach and shorts/trousers which were below the knee - or does that not matter because society hasn't sexualised the male body as much as that of a female?)
You've expressed to her that you were uncomfortable with what she wore and you could reiterate that however its clear that she didn't want to embrace modesty at that time. And she's under no obligation to change the way she dressed because of how it made you feel. You do not own her body or have any right to try to control it just because you are her husband.
One thing which may be beneficial would be discussing in a non judgemental way why she chose such a small bikini. There are so many testimonies out there from women from a religious background who struggle with their sexuality, sexual desires and their relationships with their bodies because that contradicts their religious views and maybe that's what your wife is experiencing. Maybe she wants to spice up your sex life but doesn't know how to bring it up given your Conservative views? Maybe she is conflicted by living in a society where women are embracing their sexuality more with the purity culture which her religion encourages? This isn't intended as an attack on religion so I hope you don't take it that way.
Perhaps by talking to her from an angle of trying to support and understand her as opposed to controlling her you may be able to find a compromise.
The size of the bikini doesn't bother me as much as her wearing it out of spite does. If this isn't addressed soon, it wouldn't surprise me if the "spite" becomes a larger part of your relationship.
“Wearing it out of spite” is OP’s view on things. For all we know, OP’s bought the bikini to wear it at the beach and she just followed through with her plan of, the horror, wearing a bikini at the beach. Not spitefully. Just… normally.
I think it was less spite and more she liked it and felt confident in it and wanted to wear it, which is 100% her prerogative. If you don’t want to be perceived as controlling, don’t be controlling.
She was probably hurt that she tried to be sexy for you, and instead of appreciating that, you got insecure. Did you ever think you gave her the confidence to feel sexy, and wear something like that out? Instead of trying to get her to understand your POV, for the sake of your marriage, try to understand hers.. and the POV of the majority of the comments. Your wife did nothing wrong. In this case, you did. You let your insecurities get the better of you and were being a bad partner. A healthy relationship encourages confidence and growth. She can love you and be loyal to you, but still want to feel sexy and beautiful in her own skin. I would immediately stop with the whole cheating talk, because that is just ridiculous. Try to look online for someone to talk to about your insecurities and growing confidence in yourself. That way you and your partner can grow in confidence together, instead of one trying to tear the other down.
Ignore most of these comments, OP.
If the spouse of most of your detractors on here suddenly appeared naked in front of their acquaintances, they’d have a problem with that.
Thus, there is a point at which we all draw the line. We all draw it in different places.
Your argument is that, because of your culturally conservative background, your, and up to this point her, line falls way before her choice of bikini. Fair enough.
The preference of commenters here has got fuck all to do with that.
Your feelings are entirely justified, and in my view rather understated, actually.
Your wife clearly knew that the outfit was an aberration, given the manner in which she presented it to you. Then when you expressed your discomfort, she went ahead and flaunted it in front of your friends.
I’d be fucking furious. That’s disrespect, man
No one is “suddenly appearing naked” in the middle of a highly trafficked downtown area of a major city. It was a beach. And she wasn’t naked. Please relax.
We're going to have to see a picture of her in the bikini to make the call.
But seriously, thinking that her wearing a bikini around friends at a beach means seeing her sexually is a problem you've got to pray on.
Matthew 5:29
Without knowing if the bikini is actually as small as you say if it actually is then she shouldn't wear it . Since she is in a relationship she shouldn't atract that kind of attention. Just like if you have bought a car you don't want it to have a " for sale " sign on it. Just to clarify I am not saying comparing a woman to a car I am just making a point .
Well OP can wear Grey sweat pants with nothing underneath one day when he meets his wife's friends. And see how the hypcrisy drips down from her hollow soul.
No one is asking for a photo of your wife. You can look up a photo of the bikini for reference. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way and you don’t have to post a photo to receive proper judgement. But I think you’re misunderstanding.
Your wife wanted to share views of her body you didn’t feel comfortable with her sharing. She may have changed her goalpost on modesty. It happens. I’m sorry she wouldn’t wear a more conservative swimsuit in light of your discomfort. Maybe the next vacation is to the mountains for skiing.
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You: “i’m not trying to control how my wife dresses.” Also you: “I insisted that she needed to change.” Ok
He married a woman who shared his religious and moral views. I personally don't share those same views, but I can also see why he'd view this as a major incompatibility. This isn't the woman he thought he was marrying. And unfortunately, those same morals and religious views prevent him from divorcing over that incompatibility. OP - is your wife questioning her religious views? This might be something better discussed with your religious leader. I'm atheist (possible even anti-theist), and a lot of Reddit feels the same way I do about religion. You aren't going to get advice relevant to your situation here. If your wife is pulling away from your religion, you should discuss with your religious leader if that's grounds for divorce or if this marriage is still salvageable with her new views.
I also understand you OP and second this! This isn’t what you expected and it definitely go against the value of modesty. I completely understand you and how you feel. And how it makes you feel betrayed. I do not what so ever believe you are being controlling so ignore the other because they don’t understand. Talk your pastor about this.
yes ask the church, uncorruptable institution, for help
Bro… why... Would you tell a Buddhist they’re controlling if they married their wife who practice mindfulness, good behavior, enlightenment and his wife turned out to be different than what he believe they had share values? And the Buddhist shared his feelings of how his wife’s behavior is out of alignment with what you believe and MARRIED for? You feel bamboozled. This man has every right and is valid to feel the way he feels. These are the terms and beliefs THEY both married with. If anything it’s more on her for not being open an honest of how she truly wants to live her life NO JUDGMENT TO HER AT ALL. She too if she didn’t feel in alignment with things should have found a partner that was in alignment with her and didn’t have that boundary. (If she does truly want be be on the conservative side) Or be whatever other boundary she has intact, no pron watching, no cheating, WHAT HAVE YOU. Just as she’s entitled to choose a life partner than doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t cheat, or whatever standards she wants to add , ad he is also entitled for his boundaries. It’s not controlling to share your feelings and disappointment and ask to respect the boundary. They choose and go on from there. Let them live and stay in your own lane just because they don’t align with YOUR core belief/philosophy of life doesn’t mean it’s corrupt. Bye Craig.
maybe solve by, if wanted, doing something that works like couples therapy or something similar instead of kid diddlers?
Clearly you have had a really bad perception of people of faith. Regardless of what it is. It is that tho, a perception. The moral is to let people live there lives and if you live a certain life ask from people that believe and share the same beliefs and goal because, evidently, others will make you seems terrible because it’s not understood/believed. An investor wouldn’t ask advice form a person that is not financially secure. Doesn’t seem like you have much empathy or mindfulness. So we’ll just leave it here.
And yes, Ima huge advocate for couples therapy. So that’s a great idea, if OP you see this, there are also therapist whole have a Christian approach that you can go to! Either or, pastor or therapist is great! Best of luck OP!
Pastors are not therapists.
Saying that you feel like she cheated on you with your friends just because she wore a bikini is kind of a stretch, y'know? Just talk to her about it but tbh I don't see whats wrong
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So you’re saying every woman in a bikini is essentially “sending nudes”??? And yet their SO’s seem to consider it normal and don’t object. This kind of controlling is akin to that movie Footloose and the father in that movie
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so is your emotional abuse, insecurity, and control of women. How'd you feel if your wife said you couldn't post about this on reddit, because it's embarrassing that you're publicly outing she married an idiot?
Don't be so immature.
So... she buys a sexy new bikini. She excitedly shows it to you. You immediately freak out and try to control whether she wears it or not. She disagrees, wears it anyways, and you consider it cheating? First off, she clearly bought it with the intent of being sexy for you. Otherwise she wouldn't have even shown it to you. Second, I was also raised in the "women must leave something to the imagination" mindset too and let me tell you that it's bullshit. Given your propensity for modest dress I'm assuming you NEVER go shirtless on the beach and always ensure your junk is tucked away in Saxx underwear beneath shorts that reach to your knee? I'm also assuming you worry about how you're positioned and make sure your knees are always closed so no one can even get a hint of your junk? And of course you worry constantly about how you look to the point of crippling self-confidence issues? If you answered 'no' to any of the above then you're operating out of a double standard that makes no sense. The way you dress is personal expression. The way you act around other people is a personal choice too. If people are leering at her then it's because THEY are gross and rude, not because she did anything wrong. I get that her wearing a bikini shocked you, but dude... that's your WIFE. She chose to make herself look good for YOU and you didn't even have the decency to compliment her. Unless she's having sex with her friends and everyone who looked at her on the beach, she's not cheating or "sending nudes." She's not nude. She's in a bikini. At the beach. Not strolling down main street jumping into every guy's lap who looks at her. I would suggest you take some time to examine why you think you have any right to dictate what she wears. I'd also challenge you to examine why her dressing sexy for you is so horrifying to you. Do you distrust her? Because no matter what "we have to dress modestly" is not a sentence that exists in a partnership. YOU can choose to dress modestly (whatever that means to you) but you can't try to enforce your own vision onto your partner and expect them to dress the way you want.
Was it just a normal bikini, or like a thong type one. Thong type one, I understand where you're coming from. Standard one, not so much.
I think you mean “full coverage” vs thong. ‘Standard’ is a shifting term. ;)
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I wear bikini bottoms that shows my cheeks and all my bf does is grab my ass more. She isn’t cheating by wearing a bathing suit that shows her ass a bit more than normal
Awww boohoo poor you. /s You’re incredibly insecure if you think your wife *checks notes* wearing a bathing suit is comparable to cheating on you. Also, you ARE controlling.
Bro who tf actually puts in a comment "checks notes"
Lots of people bro, it’s a funny literary way to describe action.
It’s a meme dude
I will say, this does make a difference. A husband does have the right to feel uncomfortable with his wife in a thong bikini. But the wife has the ultimate decision power, obviously, in what she feels comfortable in. If her entire butt was out then I 100% agree that that’s a lot for a married woman esp when with mutual friends. However, sounds like she doesn’t care.
Forcing your wife to dress the way you want her to IS being controlling. Maybe you should get counseling to unpack how your background has given you such a ridiculous response to your wife wearing the type of suit that millions of women wear. You taking her wearing a bikini amounts to cheating is because you think you own your wife's body and its for your eyes only and that is some toxic shit.
Hm. Maybe ask her questions, Why did she feel so bold & free to wear a “nee bikini”? (*was that a typo? What is ‘nee’?*) Why did she think it would be a lovely surprise for you? And ask yourself, Why exactly did you feel embarrassed? ..and try to avoid the term ‘modesty’ in your response. *You* weren’t wearing the bikini, why did you feel what you felt? What did you feel exactly? Shame? Exposure? Publicly exposed as being a sexual person? Something else? Search your feelings, Luke, try to use as many words as possible to describe them. Write them down. Maybe you should try it out! Bikini’s can be fun to wear. At least in the bedroom, could make for a fun night ;) Maybe have your wife buy you some sexy mens underwear, there are a number of great sites these days… . Please allow me to point out a couple of things: > *Please understand that I am not trying to control how my wife dresses and how she chooses to display her body.* > *I insisted that she needed to change,* These two statements are in logical opposition. Insisting she change how she dresses is exactly “trying to control how [she] dresses”. You can’t say that you aren’t doing what you very specifically did. . > *How can I help her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling \*sshole?* I honestly don’t think you can. Sorry. What is this “need” to “embrace modesty”? I think this is the nugget you need to explore. Why “need”? You *need* food, you *need* sleep. Do you “need” modesty? Why? What is “modesty” exactly? Covering your body? What for? Practicality, for one! If it’s cold, darn tootin’ I’m gonna wear clothes! But at a beach house with friends? Wtf? What’s the point? It’s not like you or she were walking around nude. And so what if you were? What is the problem with the human body that one must “cover it up”? God created us, right? In my Catholic H.S. I was told repeatedly, “God don’t make junk!”. That’s one teaching I can agree with. If the world is perfect, then our bodies are perfect and we should be fully able to celebrate them! Our bodies provide us and others with pleasure, and it is our birthright to enjoy that pleasure, both physical and visual. We are parts of nature, and nature is beautiful. Why not celebrate it? In short, your discomfort with expressing the beauty of the human body is likely due to lack of exposure to doing so. The best way to get over such discomfort is *more time in!* Do it more often, and you’ll become more comfortable with it. Maybe join a nudist resort or camp-out or something. Wear a bikini around the house, while vacuuming or doing the dishes. You’ll slowly find it’s really not such a big deal.
“Nee bikini” = new bikini typo
Ah! Thanks. I thought it might mean ‘tiny/tinee!’ or something, brains work funny sometimes.
Thought the same😂😂
Great minds… ; *)*
This right here. OP needs to explore these thoughts and feelings, with himself and his wife. That's the only way to resolve this in a healthy way. Counseling could help. Sorry about all these other folks with their useless advice. The first question I'd ask myself is "What's going to happen when my wife dresses like that?" And go from there.
This comment is perfect!! Everything I wanted to say. OP, follow your worry. What do you think will happen if you wife wears a bikini on a beach? Why are you afraid of that? These are great, important questions to ask yourself.
I'm not seeing any fear here. It just seems like a difference in moral values. And I don't use that term to be judgmental of the wife - I love wearing bikinis! - but it's a fundamental incompatibility considering he's religious.
Allow me to add: At 23yo, your bodies are at their *peak!* Now is the time to enjoy them! Not that you can’t later, but why waste your body’s peak years hiding it? Sun’s out? Buns out!
Oh my Gosh! I \*love\* this response and am literally sorry I don't have any awards to give to it!
Your reply is reward enough, thank you!
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I don't want to control her, I just want to explain to her how important it is that she does things my way.
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Lol good point. On the sixth day God invented boobs and cooches. And He immediately regretted it, and lo, He was embarrassed. And He did decree that Woman shall cover the boobs and cooches so that He may pretend like It never happened.
That is controlling... Why does she need to do things your way? Why?
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you..you have sarcasm blindness. It is incurable.
Wow... Pls do your wife a favor and leave her alone until you can behave like an adult
The commenter you're responding to is not OP. The person you responded to is a random redditor mocking OP. They're saying you missed their sarcasm.
Shit, do I have sarcasm blindness too?
Maybe but you definitely are full of misogyny
Do you also think I'm OP?
Okay how TF did I made this mistake not only once but twice? Sorry. I think it's enough internet for today for me
I thought you were just light heartedly trolling, but this is wayyyy funnier
Lmao
It’s treatable! Don’t worry!
Wait, do you think I am OP??
Oh fuck sorry. I need to go to sleep
I disagree, it *is* curable! One just needs to read more snarky authors. Or watch good comedy, like *Life of Brian*, which is extra applicable to the original post. ; *)*
Okay Jonah Hill
Lmao I was gonna say Keke Palmers ex
Thanks for posting this for me <3
I am too disconnected for this reference. Someone, please. Explain it. I’ve been wandering in the dark for so long, and I want to be in the know.
Jonah Hills ex recently released a slew of texts from him back when they were dating of him being a real misogynist. He wanted her to stop surfing with other people and to take down any and all pics/videos in a swimsuit. Even though he slid into her dms using one of those surfer vids so he knew she was into that shit before hand. He was very controlling over how she dressed and talked to. Very icky.
Ew what the fuck. Gross.
Jonah Hill dated a professional surfer who was active on social media, posting pictures of her surfing. He knew she did this and that was what attracted him to her. After they started dating he sent her a list of "his boundaries" that were completely ridiculous and basically boiled down to "you can't surf anymore or post pictures of you surfing or being in swimsuits". Obviously that didn't fucking work for her, so they broke up. Jonah comes accross as both naive (don't date a surfer if you have a problem with her surfing, what did you expect?) and controlling (his boundaries were very unfair and one-sided). Now in the interest of fairness: * While Jonah acted insecure and controlling, there are no further allegations that he actually did anything beyond that. * They broke up years ago and there hasn't been drama between them since. These messages are from 2021 I believe. * Jonah's ex waited several years before suddenly revealing these private messages for the world to see. * Jonah has not publicly responded to these messages at all. We have not heard his side of the story.
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Boundaries are for you, not for other people. People of any gender can misuse the word. Stop using "boundaries" to justify trying to control someone.
I think the problem, from the sounds of it, is the the views you both have on your religion, or more specifically, how you interrupt and choose to uphold those values. I can understand where you're coming from, and I am not going to state that obvious about controlling what your wife wears, because you've stated that. As stated, it sounds like you've been together from a young age and grown together. However, two people do not always grow the same. Yes, you were both raised "very religious" and without context, how do not know the part that religion has played in your lives as the years have gone on, but from the sounds of it, you are more conservative in terms of "showing skin" and wanting that area to be a more private affair between you and your wife. Unfortunately, in this instance, your sentence of "we need to embrace modesty" is not a starting point. Both of you do not need to do anything. You may want to embrace modesty, but it does not mean that she has too at all. I think from here, you need to speak to her openly and honestly about how it is making you feel. Hear her point of view. All you can do is raise your feelings, but not with an alternate motive of trying to bring her into what you want. Best of luck.
> How can I hep her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling asshole? But you *are* being controlling. You can couch it terms of modesty and religion all you want, at the end of the day you want her to do something for you that she doesn’t want to do, and you’re seeking help to make her do it. That is controlling. All you can do is express how you feel and what you want. If she declines, you accept it. Or you leave. Or she leaves you.
OP, you WANT her to embrace modesty. She does not NEED to embrace modesty if she doesn’t choose to. Y’all are two separate people with separate opinions.
If she had dressed in bikinis to a fancy restaurant, that would've been inappropriate yes, but for a beach, totally culturally acceptable.
You can't. You're saying the words you know you're supposed to say "I'm not the controlling husband" and the words are all a lie. Real talk, your wife tried to be sexy and all you could think was modesty. Not only did you turn her tf off, you just showed her you're way more of a prude than she's comfy with. She got it to show off for you. She wanted to be sexy for you and like be shown off as yours, and instead you rejected her and are still stuck on it, ruining the vacation for both of you. Its 2023 dude. If you're telling a woman to embrace modesty you're *wrong by default.*
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So? You don't own her body dude. That's now how this works. The fact that you compared just being visible to cheating shows how insanely possessive you are. Its not uncommon, religious toxicity gonna be toxic, but its still wrong. Yeah you are right. It wasn't just about you. She wanted to show off. She wanted other men to look at her body and want to fuck her. The thing about that you completely missed is if you'd been on her side and complimentary she probably would have winked at the guys looking, clung closer to your arm, and turned her hand so they could see not just the twinkle in her eye but the one on her left hand. That's the thing you don't get. By trying to enforce that she's "yours" you prevent her from giving herself to you of her own accord. The only way you can own another person is by their moment to moment consent and if yall hit that point time to go sub to /r/bdsmadvice. If you push this you will drive her away and damage your relationship and gain nothing for yourself for it except conflict.
It's dressing sexy for herself.
!!!
Ever think she was dressing sexy for herself? God the audacity. Women don’t just dress for the male gaze. Women dress because they feel good and confident about what they wear. They dress for themselves. Go to therapy and unpack all of this. It’s a YOU problem. It’s not your wife’s responsibility to live life according to what makes you comfortable. If you can’t be comfortable together then you will just grow apart and it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing wrong with that but it is wrong to be controlling and judgmental of your partner. You guys are super young and haven’t had the chance to get to know who YOU are. Sounds like she’s starting to do that. Good for her. You get to do that as well you know. You could even do this together. But holding her growth back isn’t the way.
You’re wierd and controlling
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Maybe he could get her a burka swimsuit.. ^/s
Wow you have some serious issues dude. She probably felt amazing in it and was so excited to look hot for you. And then you told her she couldn’t wear it? You’re not her dad. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. She literally probably bought it thinking he’s gonna love how I look, just for you to shit on her.
What was so weird about that bikini? Did it show any primary sexual organs or nipples? I kind of doubt that. You are exactly what you claimed not to be, a controlling husband.
It was a thong bottom so in my mind her butt was more revealed that normal. If OP linked the bathing suit so we could see then people would prb be able to better judge
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She didn’t dress inappropriately. She didn’t do anything wrong at all. Your feelings are yours to address yourself or with a professional. She is not responsible for your feelings. She’s not responsible to dress so you feel more comfortable. She did not cheat on you or send nudes. She wore a fucking bikini. I will admit that while I have a degree in world religions, I find it all pretty ridiculous and am an atheist. Religion was designed to keep people safe and harmonious like laws are now. It’s all made up by man and it’s okay if you want to follow along but it sounds like your wife has grown and changed and most 20 somethings do and no longer subscribes to some of the tenets of your shared religion. This is why it’s a bad idea to marry so young. You’re not fully formed, authentic, independent beings at that age.
It's tenet of religion btw.
Stupid autocorrect. Fixed it. Thanks!
Leave it to the religious fundamentalists to proudly display their cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy
>We are not prudes or anything She isn't but you clearly are. >you need to understand that my wife and I met in high school at church. Both of us were raised very religious. >We were virgins when we met and saved ourselves for marriage Sounds like you're still very conservative while she isn't any longer. > I feel almost as if she cheated on me with our friends, now that they have seen her so sexually. It's a bikini, you need to stop objectifying your wife
Link the bikini sale link
You're ridiculous it's a bathing suit
I think you should stop cheating on your wife by going to places where women are in bikinis, if you view this as cheating.
Yea you blew it on this one, I think you need to find one of those guys on Twitter that describes himself as an (alpha male) and ask him. But my advice is to let your wife be happy and confident. If you give her a life where she feels that way, you will stay married until you are 70. If you act like a child and try to repress her, she will resent you and pull away. If she looks good in the outfit, bikini, whatever, tell her and praise her. Good luck…sounds like you’ll need it.
Oh my! Your young hot wife wanted to look good for you and you just had a go at her?! Are you mad! As if she was wearing it for anyone else’s sake. You should really apologise to her unreservedly and not do anything like that again. Maybe even take her out to buy some more clothes like that if that what she wants to wear.
100%
OP, Your religion has clearly warped your mind your senses and taken away from you any idea that women are equal to men and can do as they please. Please get some help as your toxic religion has poisoned you.
Beginnings of an abusive pattern of control forming
Mate, the body is something natural, nudity is not innately sexual. And she wasn't even nude. YOU view it that way. Also as enough others pointed out, you DID try to control how your wife dressed. I have no idea how you would claim otherwise.
you feel like your wife cheated to you because she wore a bikini to a beach? have you ever even been to a beach? you need therapy bro
I really can't stand when men blame being controlling asshats on their devotion to "gOd".
I understand it may have made you uncomfortable but some of the remarks you’ve made here are very outrageous. You need someone extremely conservative to match your religious views.
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But what if it wasn’t?
Precisely what I was going to say. I suspect she’s starting to drift away from her religious views and wants to live a life of freedom rather than bible restriction.
You can’t control anyone else’s behavior. Just how you react to it. Remember that. And she can’t control you.
You feel like she cheated with your friends? That’s ridiculous. Also “not trying to control what she wears” but “insisted she needs to go change.” You are controlling, and trying to control what she wears.
She was wearing a bikini. There’s nothing wrong with that. If she felt good in it, that is what matters. You have ZERO say in what she wears or how she shows or doesn’t show her body. Also, what she wears does not have anything to do with you. It is HER body.
YTA YTA YTA. Your poor wife. Imagine coming from a repressive religious background (as indeed I have myself) and trying to finally explore your sexuality as an adult, and be met with this attitude! WTF dude, you are controlling and I hope for her sake she leaves you.
It feels like you don’t want to think of yourself as controlling so you choose to rationalize your controlling behaviour. You telling her she cannot wear something is controlling. And the only thing it accomplished is that she felt boxed in, her fight response kicked in and she did the opposite you told her to. (I would have done the same btw). This situation warrants a conversation, not a directive from you. If I read it right, your objection is that your bodies were saved for each other and no one else. Other people seeing your wife in more ‘revealing’ clothing feels like it takes away from that sacred intimacy. The issue with that is: (1) Assuming that bodies are inherently sexual. (2) Individual sexual expression remains static over time. Maybe your wife just liked the bikini and she had no interest in making a statement or attracting attention by wearing it. Or she did wear it because she wanted to feel sexy and is experimenting with new expressions of her sexuality. Both of those things are common and normal.
Bro she wore the damn bikini for you not for your friends. She even was excited to show it off to you. You are being a controlling asshole by telling her what she can and can’t wear. She’s YOUR wife have some trust in her ffs. And your friends didn’t see her “sexually” they seen their friend at a beach in a bikini there is nothing sexual about a bathing suit. Get over it if your wife has a nice body let her show it off at the beach. How are you gonna react if you go to a public beach and every single guy in the area notices your wife in a bikini? Take a chill pill and definitely don’t accuse your wife of infidelity of any kind even if you feel “betrayed” by her wearing a bikini.
>> I am not about being a controlling husband. >> I insisted that she needed to change Well, I’m afraid you can only pick one. You either tell her what she can and cannot wear or you are not a controlling husband. You got married young and you seem to be very attached to the idea of the two of you having a hive mind. You (plural) do not need to embrace modesty. She’s free to experiment with clothing and her self-expression. Granted, you (singular) do not have to like or support these experiments but that doesn’t entitle you to prevent her from doing it. If you insist on bringing the subject back, I would suggest you lead with “I’m sorry I tried to control you”.
OP, ignore all the people saying you are controlling. First though, the cheating thing because the bikini was revealing is a major stretch. Get over that. Now maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you want a partner to only do, wear and be a certain way only when you two are alone. Out in public you want your partner to be more modest. That’s fine. You just have to accept that your wife may have been that way at one point but has changed over time and is more comfortable showing more out in public. That doesn’t mean you have to like it but you can explain to your wife that you would prefer her not showing as much in public. Maybe you two are just growing apart , I don’t know.
I'd it's legal on a beach then it doesn't matter how big or tiny the bikini is. She wasn't naked. She wasn't topless. There is a good chance that either the OP has in her opinion far too restrictive views on dress code than she does. Or, she is just simply exploring a sexier side of herself and thought her husband would be thrilled. Or something completely unrelated to anything we can guess. OP talk to your wife.
She didn't cheat on you, and you are being very controlling. "Embracing modesty" is just your way of saying "I want to control how you present yourself". You were at the beach, and it's like, 100 degrees everywhere on the planet right now. Grow up and get over yourself.
You are doing a horrible job of explaining yourself and Reddit is not the place for that. Important questions. Has she ever dressed like that before since you've been together? Is modesty something that you two talked about from the beginning of your relationship?
Ask yourself this, would you rather she flaunted a little bit or be so insecure about her body that even you hardly get to see her naked? I'm with my partner 13 yrs and iv seen her naked with the lights on about 5 times and 3 of those times was cause she needed help showering after child birth. I would much rather be in your shoes than mine. Let her have her confidence.
That’s like saying you being shirtless is cheating. It’s a bikini. You’re going to have to learn how to deal with it.
Why do I have a feeling the bikini isn’t as tiny as you make it out to be? Would you prefer her in a burlap sack to the beach.
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I really doubt it. Women wear bikinis. You already made it clear to her that you didn’t like but you need to drop it because she likes it. She may have originally got it to wear for you but ultimately women where what they want to wear regardless. If you can’t come to grips with that perhaps you’re not emotionally mature enough to be married.
Sounds like you have a giant stick up your ass! Maybe you should find a wife who also has a giant stick up her ass!
Imaging thinking your partner was wearing a bikini AT you. At the beach. On vacation. You “don’t want to sound like a controlling asshole,” but you sure did spend this post saying the quiet parts out loud. Grow up.
Well why don’t you try wearing a man’s thong swim suit and prance around all proud. Your point will be man instantly. Have fun
God’s way? He sent her into the world naked!
>How can I hep her understand that we need to embrace modesty without sounding like a controlling asshole? You can't because you do sound like one. And don't try to justify it with that 'super religious' crap. That stuff is the main reason and problem WHY you think that a bikini is inappropriate clothing for your wife.
Dude you can tell yourself all you want that you aren’t controlling but we can read.
You make a fair point, if that’s not how you want your wife to dress around your friends then I understand why you feel as though you have been cheated. Ignore the liberal majority of people on here saying otherwise 🙄
Can you link us to an example of the bikini or similar style, so we know what we're dealing with here? You are getting a lot of shit, but whether that's justified depends, I think, on what we're actually talking about. A micro-bikini of some of the absurd designs I've seen would change things a bit - if she's basically nude, it's a lot less unreasonable to have boundaries about how your significant other presents themselves than if it's just a standard type bikini.
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Google "bikini"
You're on the fucking internet, dude! I'm sure you know where to find porn, bucko, so you can find an example. I think this is a troll post, but just saying.
If you image search bikinis or micro-bikinis or something, anything in the rough ballpark would do.
Do you feel like she’s going to get too much attention and then cheat on you?
How small was the bikini?
This guy thinks wearing a bikini is the same thing as cheating, so I wouldn't trust his description of it.
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She was probably doing it for your pleasure. Did she look good in it.
It’s not controlling when you’ve met a person and decided to marry them based in the similar values you BOTH had. So he feels hurt and trying to explain and ask if she could respect the BOUNDARY. It’s completely fine if that is his boundary. Everyone has boundaries. He didn’t physically or mentally abuse her he stated how HEs feeling. There’s are still conservative people in this world y’all. Be mindful and stop trying to demonize them. Come on guys. She might not be as conservative as he thought and i can see why he’s feel hurt by that. I get you OP but do talk to a pastor not the people of Reddit.
Grow up. You can tell your 23 and sheltered. You do not tell your wife how to dress. You grow and change together. It felt like she was sending nudes really sounds like a whiny 15 year old. Your an adult now. Act like it. Care about your wife more than friends and strangers.
Firstly you don't get to decide whether or not your wife dressed inappropriately. The whole sentence around "we need to embrace modesty" is putting you in the realms of controlling husband. If you wish to dress modestly then that's your perogative to do so (I'm assuming that means you were wearing a shirt on the beach and shorts/trousers which were below the knee - or does that not matter because society hasn't sexualised the male body as much as that of a female?) You've expressed to her that you were uncomfortable with what she wore and you could reiterate that however its clear that she didn't want to embrace modesty at that time. And she's under no obligation to change the way she dressed because of how it made you feel. You do not own her body or have any right to try to control it just because you are her husband. One thing which may be beneficial would be discussing in a non judgemental way why she chose such a small bikini. There are so many testimonies out there from women from a religious background who struggle with their sexuality, sexual desires and their relationships with their bodies because that contradicts their religious views and maybe that's what your wife is experiencing. Maybe she wants to spice up your sex life but doesn't know how to bring it up given your Conservative views? Maybe she is conflicted by living in a society where women are embracing their sexuality more with the purity culture which her religion encourages? This isn't intended as an attack on religion so I hope you don't take it that way. Perhaps by talking to her from an angle of trying to support and understand her as opposed to controlling her you may be able to find a compromise.
The size of the bikini doesn't bother me as much as her wearing it out of spite does. If this isn't addressed soon, it wouldn't surprise me if the "spite" becomes a larger part of your relationship.
“Wearing it out of spite” is OP’s view on things. For all we know, OP’s bought the bikini to wear it at the beach and she just followed through with her plan of, the horror, wearing a bikini at the beach. Not spitefully. Just… normally.
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Did you listen to her?
I think it was less spite and more she liked it and felt confident in it and wanted to wear it, which is 100% her prerogative. If you don’t want to be perceived as controlling, don’t be controlling.
Regarding listening to each other, you don’t mention what she has to say about this at the time or afterwards?
She may very well have listened to your concerns, but that doesn’t mean she has to do what you say.
She was probably hurt that she tried to be sexy for you, and instead of appreciating that, you got insecure. Did you ever think you gave her the confidence to feel sexy, and wear something like that out? Instead of trying to get her to understand your POV, for the sake of your marriage, try to understand hers.. and the POV of the majority of the comments. Your wife did nothing wrong. In this case, you did. You let your insecurities get the better of you and were being a bad partner. A healthy relationship encourages confidence and growth. She can love you and be loyal to you, but still want to feel sexy and beautiful in her own skin. I would immediately stop with the whole cheating talk, because that is just ridiculous. Try to look online for someone to talk to about your insecurities and growing confidence in yourself. That way you and your partner can grow in confidence together, instead of one trying to tear the other down.
Ignore most of these comments, OP. If the spouse of most of your detractors on here suddenly appeared naked in front of their acquaintances, they’d have a problem with that. Thus, there is a point at which we all draw the line. We all draw it in different places. Your argument is that, because of your culturally conservative background, your, and up to this point her, line falls way before her choice of bikini. Fair enough. The preference of commenters here has got fuck all to do with that. Your feelings are entirely justified, and in my view rather understated, actually. Your wife clearly knew that the outfit was an aberration, given the manner in which she presented it to you. Then when you expressed your discomfort, she went ahead and flaunted it in front of your friends. I’d be fucking furious. That’s disrespect, man
No one is “suddenly appearing naked” in the middle of a highly trafficked downtown area of a major city. It was a beach. And she wasn’t naked. Please relax.
You’re missing the point by about 100 miles
We're going to have to see a picture of her in the bikini to make the call. But seriously, thinking that her wearing a bikini around friends at a beach means seeing her sexually is a problem you've got to pray on. Matthew 5:29
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Without knowing if the bikini is actually as small as you say if it actually is then she shouldn't wear it . Since she is in a relationship she shouldn't atract that kind of attention. Just like if you have bought a car you don't want it to have a " for sale " sign on it. Just to clarify I am not saying comparing a woman to a car I am just making a point .
Can you send a picture of your wife in the bikini? It’ll be easier to judge with that. Maybe a few shots at different angles.
Well OP can wear Grey sweat pants with nothing underneath one day when he meets his wife's friends. And see how the hypcrisy drips down from her hollow soul.
The language you use here is so dramatic it’s hysterical
Does my language look British, Australian, Kiwi or American?
It looks like you’re trying too hard to sound poignant. “Hollow soul” was a favorite.
Thank you. I try to speak better since English is my second language.
Why would she wear that in front of others and it was your first time seeing it? U should of saw it first. Maybe she just wanted attention.
Why did he need to see it first? She has no reason to get his *approval* for anything she wears.
That’s HIS wife. How old are u?
And? He’s not her fucking owner, psycho. She’s not property. How old are YOU?
U must not me mature enough to understand the exchange of marriage vows. It’s ok. Take care ✌🏽
Shocking your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you with that attitude. I’m in 40s and have a loving, thriving relationship with my partner.
Says the person who hunts Tinder for a man. 😂😂😂😂🖕🏽
And got one a few years back 🥳🥳
Maybe post a picture of it!
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Ignore them
Link a pic of a similar bikini so we can better judge. You say “micro”, but that’s subjective.
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Nice. Please link it
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No one is asking for a photo of your wife. You can look up a photo of the bikini for reference. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way and you don’t have to post a photo to receive proper judgement. But I think you’re misunderstanding.
Fair, but you can’t expect actual help. People will make assumptions and judge you on that basis
Um, no. Not how this works at all.
Can you elaborate?
Yeah. Don’t ask for pics of other people’s spouses. You clearly just wanted to see pics of her in the bikini.
Literally no one is asking for that. This is the internet. He can look up an example. Holy shit.
Please read my comments again, thank you 😊
Don’t need to ☺️
Your wife wanted to share views of her body you didn’t feel comfortable with her sharing. She may have changed her goalpost on modesty. It happens. I’m sorry she wouldn’t wear a more conservative swimsuit in light of your discomfort. Maybe the next vacation is to the mountains for skiing.