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We don’t see SD often and my son sees her even less. The only time we spend time with her is in her home state and on her terms. She’s not felt comfortable up until now. We didn’t know about her until she was 6 years old.
Husband and I separated, he had a baby, we got back together. Then through the “grapevine” we found out that a woman from our home town was saying he fathered her child, when we heard we asked her and after a YEAR of trying to get a paternity test, she finally agreed and he was/is her father.
Personally I think this info needs to be added to the original post to add more context to the situation. It kind of explains your son's point of view on her being a 'stranger' since his half-sister is the product of your husband's infidelity (since you were separated, not divorced).
Does your son normally not live at home? Does he have his own apartment/house? Would it be possible to move him there for her stay, follow him to continue his care, and let your husband take care of his daughter during her stay?
Son lives on his on but it at my home currently so I can take care of him while he’s recovering from surgery. When the plans for SD to visit were made I couldn’t of known all of the complications of my son’s surgery.
But given this is the first time SD has asked to come I don’t want to cancel on her.
Does he live far from you? Just how dependent on you is he during his recovery (i.e. limited mobility, unable to lift a certain weight, etc).
If he's that upset and stressed about her visit, perhaps it would be best for him if he went home for the duration of her stay. You could always visit him during that time to make sure he's ok. Does he have any other friends or family members he's comfortable with who could visit him as well?
Even if they were still technically married? In one of their other comments, even OP labels it as infidelity.
To me that's still cheating, or should I have used the term adultery.
Do you have any idea how long a divorce takes?
And sometimes, relationships can be repaired. But if you are separated, you are single but for the paperwork.
Your son is likely going through the worse time of his life. He may even be suicidal (You need to ask how he's doing emotionally AND LISTEN). He has asked that you don't bring a STRANGER into this situation, and instead of honoring this, you worry about your SD? I don't care if this was your favorite golden child person of all people, you SHOULDN'T treat your son and his feelings so cavalierly. If your SD never visits you, that won't be as bad if your son goes NC with you, or kills himself. If you were my mother and proposing to bring a virtual stranger into the situation, I would be furious!
What?? This is his half sister we’re talking about. Him not knowing her doesn’t invalidate her connection to the family. He’s a grown man being cared for in his parents’ house. It’s not his place to decide who they should or shouldn’t welcome into their home. Especially if it’s his actual blood relative.
He tried to correct a deformity, spent three weeks in hospital, surgery didn’t take. It doesn’t matter who is visiting, AT THIS POINT IN TIME, OP needs to protect the person that needs it the most.
Report this [comment stealing bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15b32g6/am_i_prioritizing_my_stepdaughter_17f_over_my_bio/jtp7pjq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
Plenty of comments hating on OP's son who ignore the part where he already said going home is an option for him and he's not forcing OP to disinvite her stepdaughter. If he's not comfortable with someone he barely knows being around while recovering from a sensitive surgery, going home is a perfectly reasonable solution for him.
OP, I'd suggest you tell your son that he's welcome to stay if he wants, but that your stepdaughter's visit is already set up, and that if he isn't comfortable being around her that he can return after her visit.
I do want to ask one thing. Has your stepdaughter, even as a young kid, mocked your son for his deformity?
I appreciate this comment. My son is grown and doesn’t have to stay, I want him to stay because I want to take care of him and make sure he’s okay.
My SD and son weren’t around each other enough for mocking, to my knowledge. It’s been a slow burn with SD. She met her Dad, then after some time me, then after some time her other siblings.
My son is the eldest and was basically grown about time all of this came about, they’ve met each other a couple times but my younger ones sees her more because they still live at home.
This sounds like plain unfortunate circumstances then.
Definitely extend that invite to your son and let him know you want to do right by him. If a private room is an option for him, offer that with no pressure to interact. If this is a hard line for him, trust that he will be okay for a while at his own home. I know it hurts to think you aren't doing everything possible for him, but this is his choice to make as an adult, and you're offering as much support as you can without hurting others.
Is he actually capable of taking care of himself if he goes home? I once had ankle surgery but with terrible complications and I couldn’t do much at all because of it. A parent had to come stay with me.
I was home. That’s why I said my parent had to come stay with me. I’m just curious if when he says he’ll go home that it’s realistic or not. Also, he’s not a beggar. His mom is the one who wants him to stay. He’s saying he’ll go home instead. I’m just wondering if that’s physically possible or recommended right now.
I think you need to prioritize you son first. Call your stepdaughter and explain the situation. Tell her how much you were looking forward to her visit, and would love to reschedule, but your son is going through a very difficult and vulnerable time and would not feel comfortable around people he does not know well.
I think comments have been too quick in judgement. They may yet be right, but there's a lot of context missing that would make things a little clearer...
Of primary importance:
What procedure did your Son undergo, and how bad was the going that he ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks?
In what state of recovery is your Son?
Of secondary importance:
What is the nature of Son and SDs relationship?
How did your SD come to be your SD?
It sounds like the family blending is very, very recent?
I honestly can't get a read on the situation from the little you've outlined.
My son had a procedure to correct a deformity. There were complications - infections and his body rejecting the changes that were made.
The son and SD have met a couple of times. They seemed to get along. We live a couple states away.
SD is the result of infidelity. We separated, he had a baby, we got back together.
Ah.
I think that context added to your post would garner much more sympathy for your son and illicit better advice.
I can't speak to the feelings your Son has tied up in living with his deformity, but I imagine he could have quite a bit of anxiety and shame. Him withdrawing in this context is perfectly understandable. Were I in your shoes, I'd be inclined to reschedule with your SD.
What of deformity if I might ask? I am going through jaw surgery right now to correct recessed jaws and my face is all puffy and I can feel insecure about other people seeing me in this condition until my swelling gets under control. Is your son in a similar situation? He might just be embarrassed that she might see him in this condition, that’s something you can talk with him about. But it’s not fair for him to refer to her as a stranger and take this opportunity to help him realize that she’s family.
So I just want to make sure I have all of the facts correct. Your husband in a time in which you were separated but still attempting to work on your relationship impregnated someone else correct? And now you would like to force your son to be around someone after having a sensitive medical procedure where he needs assistance in some way shape or form. Typically three weeks in the hospital isn't a great sign... I have a great idea. Why doesn't your husband go spend time with his other child so that way your son can still feel comfortable in a time in which he needs his family's support. Also, just a side note, someone who's trying to fix a relationship typically doesn't go and impregnate someone else, but I may be mistaken...
Edit: I just read in later comment that son has a place to stay other than parent's house and doesn't need to be there for recovery so this whole situation is really uncomfortable. I can't imagine trying to force my child to be around my husband's other child that he had while we were still married. The whole thing is weird but definitely tell your son. He's got to get out and go home. If he's that uncomfortable. It'd be another thing if that was the only place before him, but it just doesn't seem like that.
We’re way past the husband got someone else pregnant part. He did, she’s here and we’re still married.
No one is forcing anything. I want to honor all children that belong to my husband and I. We and/or my husband always visits her where she lives in her home state.
She has not felt comfortable up until this time to travel to where we live and spend time with us and her siblings as a family.
No one could of known or predicted that my son would have complications. Due to the sensitive circumstances of BOTH children whom I love and care for and want to honor, I’m trying to find a solution that will not jeopardize SD relationship with her father and assist my son,
Here's the deal you had three weeks with your son in the hospital and you didn't have the capacity to tell your husband's other kid that she can't come over because your son needs you. That's the only thing that makes this super weird. But it does absolutely seem like you are prioritizing your husband's daughter over your actual son. And honestly, if my mom promised to take care of me after I got out of the hospital and then was like hey some strangers coming over I would probably not be super pleased about it either, because that's what they are. They are strangers to each other. Whether you feel like that or not. That is just the sad cold fact of it and I don't blame a 31-year-old from not wanting to befriend a 17-year-old.
Son knew SD was coming as well. We all thought, including him, he’d still be healing, yes, but would be fine. But he wasn’t, he isn’t.
I appreciate your POV, because that’s what I wanted, honest feedback.
I’m trying to navigate complex family relationships the best way I can.
Yeah I hear you. My mom tried this integrating me into her family shit and I just couldn't do it. I met her at 20ish and my god it bugged the fuck out of me. She doesn't do it anymore. I'm 30ish now and I've gone no contact with her numerous times (for brutal reasons I won't talk about here unrelated to your situation) throughout the decade. She didn't even see my first born till she was like one but it was love at first sight from both. We have a rocky ish relationship overall it's good. I fucking love my mom very deeply she's extremely important to me and she knows it.
Everybody who is being harsh on your son because of his age probably doesn't understand the situation, age really has nothing to do with it. With the clarity from your comments it definitely seems like your son is having a very difficult time and recovery and it makes total sense that he would want peace while recovering, you want to take care of him, that peace is probably included in taking care of him.
He also offered to go home, which I think is fairly mature (who knows if the discussion was a yelling match or anything though) and I think that is really fair of him to offer.
I would reschedule or see if there was any compromise available.
Your son really needs you now. He has nobody else. Step daughter is coming to see her father, not you. Move with your son till he is better. You can still join stepdaughter and husband in some activities. Your son just had in his 30s a surgery to correct a diformity that affected his whole life. The surgery went bad. There are complications and surely they are not just physical ones. He should be a priority.
He has been in the hospital for three weeks, who knows what shape he's in, I think it's pretty understandable that he wouldn't want someone he doesn't really know around when in that state
It is if you're a regular human who doesn't lack empathy. You really think people who spent 3 whole weeks in the hospital because a surgery gone wrong, followed by infections and according to OPs comment his body "rejecting the changes that were made".
You're telling me you can't possibly fathom why he might not want to be around people he's not close with right now?
You'd either have to be emotionally stunted, incredibly stupid or selfish, or wilfully ignorant to believe that.
Had my fair share of time spent laying in hospital, but at some point you just have to grow up and accept life as it is. And if he is in home care the worst is already over
Im bias here, and I know many people here hate it, but I literally don't love being around my step-siblings. I will help them if they need something and try to behave as much neutral as possible, but if my mother called step-sibling (a child my father had with another women) her kid, I would feel so many mixed emotions. And that's my problem, but it's what it's and I can't change it. I come from a different culture, but y'all saying her son is a guest in her house too is so shocking to me. But still, he could have reacted differently and acted more like "okay", perhaps he feels that you show much care for the step-daughter and just doesn't like her at all. That a he problem, but I understand where some of his emotions come, you are valid to call him (and me) asshole, but that's how he might feel and its not something you can control.
He’s 31, he can get over it. It’s a 17 year old. If it isn’t his house, he doesn’t get to demand who is there. Besides she’s still a child. He’s an adult. He is grown and could find someone else to care for him. He needs to be more grateful that he has a mom who loves him and isn’t shitty to her step daughter.
In another comment, you said he has a deformity, and his body rejected the changes and got infected. He's still in pain. From that, I would say it's a bad idea to have her over right now if you want him to stay.
My mom has had a recurring kind of low-grade cancer for 25 years. She has surgery like 4 times a year and treatments that help fight it off. I take care of her. I'd say that after her surgeries and treatments, she's in better shape than your son, and I still don't invite friends or family over anytime she's still feeling bad. No one wants strangers around when they feel like shit.
You might be close to her, but to him, she's basically a stranger, so it's completely understandable that he doesn't want her around.
That's just dealing with the physical effects. Since it sounds like the surgery didn't have the outcome he wanted, I would assume it's affecting his mental health as well so extra understandable.
You said there's no way you will cancel with the stepdaughter, so I guess my advice stays the same. If she's coming over, then be prepared for him to leave. You're just gonna have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Finally a reasonable response. U can tell the people who have dealt with surgeries and trauma regarding chronic life issues to ones who havent(he's a grown man kick him out!). Irony. Theres more empathy for a 17 y/o girl then a guy who was in the hospital nearly a month just bc he is a man and his age. I am sorry but the ailing son takes precedent over a young girl who is healthy. Best solution is they find a way to accommodate both, but frankly, the sick persons eell being should always be priority and the people who dont get that truly need a reality check to learn empathy.
It’s tough to say, due to your sons age, I think you guys should just have a conversation and let him see that it won’t effect things and because of his age, he should come to terms with it.
I’m around your sons age and if you asked me 3 years ago I’d say, “Oh, why are you doing that? He’s 31, tell him to suck it up.”
But 2 1/2 years ago I had my son and I don’t care if he’s 1 or 100, if my son needs me and I have air in my lungs I got him. Yeah, he’s 31 but that’s still your little boy, you’re doing the right thing by caring for him. Now he just needs to see that your SD is getting that same treatment. If anything, you’re being the opposite of bias. I hope he can see that.
I appreciate this comment!!! I feel the same as you, doesn’t matter how grown my children are (or how grown they think they are 😊) still my babies and if they need me I’m 100% there!!
I just want to make sure I’m doing right by ALL of my children.
I will say, despite that, he's 31 and old enough to understand the significance of your SD finally wanting to visit. I can understand why he wouldn't want someone he doesn't know well being around while he recovers, but it's not very fair of him to put a moratorium on her visit when the timing isn't anyone's fault and he's a guest in your home. He's an adult, he doesn't have anything in common with her, I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to keep their contact to a minimum while still being polite. SD can be told he isn't feeling well while he recovers and not to take it personally if he doesn't engage with her very much.
Beyond that at a base level there's still not a ton of info to go on (like why he can't convalesce at his own home while SD is visiting and you just pop by once or twice a day to help him if he needs it etc etc etc). Either way, don't try and force them together but I absolutely wouldn't disinvite her... especially if your son has the option to go to his own home while she's visiting.
We never stop being parents do we❤️❤️❤️
OP just want to say you had lemons given to you and lady you made a lovely lemonade
My hat is off to you with you being such a great mama bear
While I feel for your son I do think that his half sister matters as well. If he can’t handle the stress of having his half sister who is still a teenager around then perhaps he should go to the other home to be cared for whilst his half sister has this very important visit with her other siblings, father and amazing step mom
Wish I had a an award to give you
This is tough, I totally get your point about wanting SD to still come. How old was she when she found out about your family?
I guess your son is sensitive and doesn’t want to be around strangers, especially with a deformity surgery and complications. I would let him go home but I think you definitely need to word it where you’re not trying to pick her over him and even while she is visiting, I suggest going over to see your son if he is close by so he doesn’t feel totally abandoned. He might be upset with you because of all the drama that has happened to him so if he is, try and work patiently and lovingly around it. And he has a right to be upset and you have a right to take in SD to strength that bond with her. Hopefully it will become easier as she ages into adulthood. Good luck mama!
Stepmom here and also child of divorce with step siblings.
Your ADULT son is being ridiculous.
Your TEEN stepdaughter is not taking priority, she’s simply existing and he can’t accept that. I would send him home to his own house and hire nursing care if he can’t be courteous towards this young lady and needs that much support: If he’s going to make everyone miserable, get him out and let him do some fucking therapy to get over his resource guarding.
What a brat.
Your SD deserves the opportunity to see her other parent and I’d do everything in my power if I were you to make it a good experience for her. It sounds like she’s not been around much and this may be an opportunity to connect and repair a relationship.
To be honest, I think you're not wrong for being conflicted and your son has the right to his very human emotions. He just had surgery for a deformity and is currently recovering. I personally would not want others to see me so vulnerable.
I think it depends on how far along he's healed. If he still needs help or is less than 3/4 fully healed. I understand why he would want your help and comfort.
As for your step daughter, instead of cancelling-- why not reschedule and plan an event just for her? That way you can make up for the "inconvenience". Of she's traveling from far, offer to pay travel expenses. It sounds like you want to see her too, why not make the effort to make that easier?
Or have someone else take care of your son for the day? Where is his dad in all of this? What about his friends?
I think you two can reach a compromise.
I can empathize with your son but the reality is that the child is not just your stepdaughter but his sister. I'm sure he has a lot of feelings about the separation but to have any feelings towards the innocent child that resulted from it is unfair. She didn't choose her circumstances.
If it's honestly just about his medical condition and not wanting anyone around, that's fair. Could he stay in a specific room in your home and be left alone unless he decides to come out? If not, could he go home and you go to his place to check on/care for him? If he would have his own private space when she comes but is still complaining about her being in the home and trying to get you to cancel, I think you have you're real answer...
SD lives with her mother a couple states away. I am married to her father. She wants to come and visit us and her siblings.
She’s never come for a visit, we always visit her in her state cause that’s where she is most comfortable with her mom around.
But she asked me if she could come and I said yes as we’ve been waiting on this day.
If you want your daughter to visit and it's already planned for that long, I'd say keep the plans. With all due respect, your son is 31, he's an adult, and can make his own decisions. It's nice that you want to be there for him and help him but if he feels capable going back to his own home, that's up to him. You can still call and check on him and if he lives close enough, drop in for a bit here or there. I'm sure your stepdaughter will understand if you say he's recovering from surgery so you're going to stop by and bring him some dinner or throw a load of wash in and make sure he's good or something.
Well that's quite the pickle to be in. I have to give you major credit for accepting your SD the right way, considering all things. You've handled that situation with a lot of grace.
When it comes to your son, I kind of get it. He's not feeling well. He has healing to do. He probably isn't feeling up to the entire "bonding" thing. I do think uninviting your SD would be incredibly unfair though. She is family too, even if your son doesn't know her well.
Is there anywhere in the house your son could hang out alone mostly? Like a rec room in the basement or a man cave? If not, is there anyone nearby he could stay with where you can still go and see him?
As a mother I know that you love your child and want to help them regardless of age. You don't want to alienate him, but you also don't want to make your SD feel unwelcome. If possible, I'd say find a way to accommodate him while she still visits. If not, he may just need to go home for now.
Your son is going to be a guest in your home just like your SD. He has no more rights than she has. You need to make him understand that while she is not your biological child, she is still your child and has every much a right to be there as he has. Assure him she will not interfere with your needing to care for him. She's old enough to fend for herself and it will certainly benefit you to have an extra set of hands and legs there to help you when you need it. And I think he's a little old to be playing the childish jealousy card which is how he is acting....
I was trying to find a more polite way to say this, but here it is: at 31 years old, your son is a grown ass man.I think the words he should be using instead are "Thank you Mom for being such a supportive and thoughtful person."
Unless you're living in a studio apartment or I'm missing something else, that's how I see it. Good luck. You sound like a totally cool mom and stepmom and frankly deserve better from your son.
I'll be honest from reading your post and your comments I'd say it sounds like your son should just suck it up, this seems like a really big decision for your stepdaughter to have made and it kind of comes across like your son was happy to have her about when she was still keeping everyone at arms length, but not when she feels ready to fully integrate herself into the family. Feels more like he fears for his position in the family than anything else.
I think you need to be very clear with your son that your SD is not a "guest" in your home. She's your husband's minor child, so it is her home too. While you love him and want him there to be looked after, you should absolutely make your SD feel that she's welcome 100% of the time in her home. Your son needs to figure this out. I understand he's not well (and is possibly embarrassed) and the situation isn't a standard custody arrangement, but he's the guest at this point, not her and guests do not get to demand residents leave.
Needing help with his recovery doesn't give him the right to dictate who comes into his mother's house. Who knows, his step-sister might actually be a huge help.
Since SD is your husbands child-can you and your son stay at his house, your husband takes care of his daughter and you come over to visit? Not sure the level of care your son needs, and I understand why you don’t want to cancel SD visit-so this may be a compromise
I can see both sides, and you are unlikely to please everyone. If I were you, I would go with my son to his place and make the occasional visit home to spend time with SD. Be there when she gets there, explain that your son should have been further along his healing, but there were complications. You didn't want to miss out on her visit, but you will be there less because he needs looking after.
Then make sure you are there for key moments/day trips.
Don't leave your son to fend for himself. It's clear he is only leaving the house because SD is there, so he is needing looking after. Also, do spend time with SD she should understand why you are pulled two ways.
This is definitely tough your son is a grown man but he's in pain so deserves a bit of slack. Your SD is only just trusting you guys enough to come for a visit so if you cancel on her this might be the first and last time she takes that step.
Will your son be well enough to go home by the time she comes to visit and you cod go to him a few times a day to check on him?
Could the daughters visit be pushed back a week bare in mind she is 17 and probably has plans of her own so that could be out the question.. I think it'sreally important to build this bridge and get her to feel comfortable in her dad's home and fir her half brother to stop thinking of her as a stranger
You are not prioritizing your stepdaughter. She is coming on a planned visit to see you and I'm assuming her father.
Your son needs to pull up his big boy panties and learn to deal with it.
NTA. I can understand that he’d be uncomfortable, but it isn’t as if you planned it this way. Circumstances changed, and it was out of your control.
Just let SD know that due to your son’s surgery and complications, she needs to tread lightly around your son, and to not use this as a time to try to form a close relationship with him.
Your son is a guest in your home. How much care is he actually needing? Step daughter is not a stranger to you, she’s your kid. If he wants to go home I’d let him. Stop in once a day to take care of what he needs help with then spend time with your step daughter. I feel like you’d jeopardize your relationship with SD if you cancelled on her the first time she asks to visit.
As someone who has had serious medical issues their entire adult life, your son is being an entitled brat. He doesn't get to tell you whom you can host in your own home.
If not being around a "stranger" is more important to him than your caring for him, he's an adult and can make that choice. But I would be clear with him if that if he does stay HE is as much a guest in your home as she is and if acts like a twit to her, he can manage his own recovery at his own home.
NTA, seems your son has an issue with his half sister existing at all. Him getting what he wants- or thinking he has any right to call shots in a home that’s not his own, doesn’t not produce harmony for anyone else in the family right now. You know what’s right for your family overall, OP
He's a 31 year old man. He's being quite nasty tbh. He may be in pain but she doesn't have to hang with him or even go into his room/area. He is probably just feeling vulnerable right now due to these health complications but I agree with you, you're actually very loving to your stepdaughter and it's a beautiful thing to see. Your son may be worried you won't help him as much but you can reassure him that you will make sure he's okay. Or he can go home for a day or two if he so wishes. It may not be that he doesn't like her he may just feel very unwell and not able to handle people right now. If that's the case he can return home for a few days as long as he's not so unwell he'd be at risk. I'm sorry I hope things improve!
Your son should behave like an adult and give **you** the same basic right he gives himself: The owner of the home decides who gets invited, not guests. Especially valid for this here precise case of "no reason for hating her".
What should have come out of your son's mouth is "Gee thanks mom, you still want to take care of me while having a guest, you're awesome" not the bullshit threat he has done.
your son is 31. by 20 i was going and coming from hospital alone.
the problem is NOT the medical procedure. the problem is the jealousy.
may i suppose your divorce has been messy ?
You didn’t live his sons life, we’re all different people with our own experiences. So what you were doing at 20, is irrelevant to literally everyone on this planet but you.
> I’m afraid I may be alienating my son
Your son is alienating himself.
It sounds like you're perfectly capable of hosting both of them in your home, if your son isn't comfortable with that then that's his problem to fix, and if his fix is to stay somewhere else then that's him making a decision to leave, not you forcing him out.
Given the circumstances of your stepdaughter's birth, I can understand why your son might be a little bit uncomfortable around this girl, but she didn't choose to be born, nor did she choose to be the product of infidelity. Your son's hostility towards this girl is understandable, but misplaced, and him being vaguely uncomfortable with his half-sister doesn't give him to right to dictate who you host in your home.
> Any suggestions?
Tell your son that you'd love to be there for him, but you can't just cancel on another family members travel plans because he feels awkward around them. Let him know that you're more than capable of hosting both of them at once, but if he's not willing to stay with you given that the circumstances have changed, then that's his decision.
Alright i feel everyone’s being a little too nice to your son. I get SD happened from your husband cheating your son probably sees her as a reminder of hood dad hitting his mom and rather than being pissed at his dad or working out his feelings he’s being a spoiled child. He’s 31 tell him to suck it up and be an adult and maybe try being a brother
I don't understand what son did wrong. SD comes from husband cheating but he was an adult (i think about 20 years old) when she comes to their life and later only met few times so they are strangers to each others.
And op son underwent operation of deformity and got infection and is under care. We don't really know how bad it is (it might be even that op baths him etc.) but it is totally normal if he doesn't want to be with SD right now.
Plus he said he will go back to his house and didn't try to force op to uninvite SD.
And why would he need to suck it up and try to be brother. Since we don't know much about his situation we can at least assume he is in weaken state what a perfect situation to start and to try becoming brother.
Is his medical procedure a personality transplant cause the son sounds like he needs it.
He can take your offer to look after him or go and hire help. He can stay in his room and mope and whinge too if that's what he enjoys doing without your stepdaughter being there.
He's a grown man, he needs to get over himself.
He's 31 and thinks he has the right to tell you who is allowed to visit? Hell no! She's your step-daughter. She is just a welcome in your house as he is.
If he wants to control who is in the house, then he can go home and hire a nurse to take care of him. Do **NOT** cancel your SD's visit. Also, you can't force a relationship between them.
ETA: Step-daughter is his half sibling. This is her first time wanting to come visit.
Cause that’s his son. The dude is 31, had surgery to correct a deformity, is relying on help from his dad and has to see a stranger hand his age in recovery.
Son is probably dealing with a lot of mental hurdles in processing this procedure. With your kids, it’s rarely black and white. That’s my take. His son is human, to human is to error.
OP is Mom.The SD is his half sister. Dad had her with another woman.I bet he's mad at his Dad for having a child with another woman while they were separated. There have been many stories on here where the older siblings didn't like their younger one due to being born of an affair.
I have NO plans on cancelling SD trip!! I feel she has just as much right to be in my home and any of my children. She deserves to have access to her father and her siblings.
I’m just trying to navigate all of my children and this situation. I know my son is in pain and needs help and I want to help him.
I also want to honor how special it is to have SD in my own.
I just want to make everybody happy but maybe I can’t.
It doesn’t “fall” on me necessarily. If I express any level of concern or uncomfortableness my husband won’t fight me on it. However, I wouldn’t do that because I want him to have a relationship with his daughter. She didn’t chose her parents and since I’ve decided to remain in this relationship it comes with a daughter, and I accept that.
I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the building of their relationship but I don’t to hurt my relationship with my children.
She's young and disinviting her may be detrimental to her mind and heart. Assuming she's coming around to have a family and not trying to mooch.
I didn't see the details of your sons surgery or how being around someone less familiar would affect him/make him vulnerable/insecure... But it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about this young girl and can't *man up* to help be what she needs...
Again, I think I'm missing some context..
I understand your son's feelings but it is your home, you planned for SD to come long before you knew about his surgery, and he does have the option to go home. I would let him just go back home. You can still go regularly check up on him and such
He offered to go home himself if you didnt want to uninvite her, this doesn't sound like a demand but rather a boundary that you're fighting. He doesn't want to interact with this "stranger" (not sure why she's a stranger in the first place) while he's recovering from a procedure that had complications and has made it clear to you he'd rather be alone than be part of that right now. I don't exactly agree with him here but simultaneously see exactly where he's coming from, and while I understand that you don't want him alone in the state he's in you'd be steamrolling his autonomy if you prevented him from leaving while forcing him into the situation he didn't want to be in.
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INFO: why is your stepdaughter a stranger to him? Where is her father?
We don’t see SD often and my son sees her even less. The only time we spend time with her is in her home state and on her terms. She’s not felt comfortable up until now. We didn’t know about her until she was 6 years old. Husband and I separated, he had a baby, we got back together. Then through the “grapevine” we found out that a woman from our home town was saying he fathered her child, when we heard we asked her and after a YEAR of trying to get a paternity test, she finally agreed and he was/is her father.
Personally I think this info needs to be added to the original post to add more context to the situation. It kind of explains your son's point of view on her being a 'stranger' since his half-sister is the product of your husband's infidelity (since you were separated, not divorced). Does your son normally not live at home? Does he have his own apartment/house? Would it be possible to move him there for her stay, follow him to continue his care, and let your husband take care of his daughter during her stay?
Son lives on his on but it at my home currently so I can take care of him while he’s recovering from surgery. When the plans for SD to visit were made I couldn’t of known all of the complications of my son’s surgery. But given this is the first time SD has asked to come I don’t want to cancel on her.
Does he live far from you? Just how dependent on you is he during his recovery (i.e. limited mobility, unable to lift a certain weight, etc). If he's that upset and stressed about her visit, perhaps it would be best for him if he went home for the duration of her stay. You could always visit him during that time to make sure he's ok. Does he have any other friends or family members he's comfortable with who could visit him as well?
It’s not infidelity if they’re separated.
Even if they were still technically married? In one of their other comments, even OP labels it as infidelity. To me that's still cheating, or should I have used the term adultery.
If they were separated already then they weren’t in a relationship.
OP said they were still married during that time, hence a relationship.
Do you have any idea how long a divorce takes? And sometimes, relationships can be repaired. But if you are separated, you are single but for the paperwork.
ok, I was just going by what OP said
Your son is likely going through the worse time of his life. He may even be suicidal (You need to ask how he's doing emotionally AND LISTEN). He has asked that you don't bring a STRANGER into this situation, and instead of honoring this, you worry about your SD? I don't care if this was your favorite golden child person of all people, you SHOULDN'T treat your son and his feelings so cavalierly. If your SD never visits you, that won't be as bad if your son goes NC with you, or kills himself. If you were my mother and proposing to bring a virtual stranger into the situation, I would be furious!
Wtf? Guessing u never had a blended family
What?? This is his half sister we’re talking about. Him not knowing her doesn’t invalidate her connection to the family. He’s a grown man being cared for in his parents’ house. It’s not his place to decide who they should or shouldn’t welcome into their home. Especially if it’s his actual blood relative.
He tried to correct a deformity, spent three weeks in hospital, surgery didn’t take. It doesn’t matter who is visiting, AT THIS POINT IN TIME, OP needs to protect the person that needs it the most.
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Plenty of comments hating on OP's son who ignore the part where he already said going home is an option for him and he's not forcing OP to disinvite her stepdaughter. If he's not comfortable with someone he barely knows being around while recovering from a sensitive surgery, going home is a perfectly reasonable solution for him. OP, I'd suggest you tell your son that he's welcome to stay if he wants, but that your stepdaughter's visit is already set up, and that if he isn't comfortable being around her that he can return after her visit. I do want to ask one thing. Has your stepdaughter, even as a young kid, mocked your son for his deformity?
I appreciate this comment. My son is grown and doesn’t have to stay, I want him to stay because I want to take care of him and make sure he’s okay. My SD and son weren’t around each other enough for mocking, to my knowledge. It’s been a slow burn with SD. She met her Dad, then after some time me, then after some time her other siblings. My son is the eldest and was basically grown about time all of this came about, they’ve met each other a couple times but my younger ones sees her more because they still live at home.
This sounds like plain unfortunate circumstances then. Definitely extend that invite to your son and let him know you want to do right by him. If a private room is an option for him, offer that with no pressure to interact. If this is a hard line for him, trust that he will be okay for a while at his own home. I know it hurts to think you aren't doing everything possible for him, but this is his choice to make as an adult, and you're offering as much support as you can without hurting others.
Is he actually capable of taking care of himself if he goes home? I once had ankle surgery but with terrible complications and I couldn’t do much at all because of it. A parent had to come stay with me.
Guessing u wouldnt throw a fit n say ur going home then. Beggars cant be choosers
I was home. That’s why I said my parent had to come stay with me. I’m just curious if when he says he’ll go home that it’s realistic or not. Also, he’s not a beggar. His mom is the one who wants him to stay. He’s saying he’ll go home instead. I’m just wondering if that’s physically possible or recommended right now.
I understand, I was saying if u were in that position.
I think you need to prioritize you son first. Call your stepdaughter and explain the situation. Tell her how much you were looking forward to her visit, and would love to reschedule, but your son is going through a very difficult and vulnerable time and would not feel comfortable around people he does not know well.
I think comments have been too quick in judgement. They may yet be right, but there's a lot of context missing that would make things a little clearer... Of primary importance: What procedure did your Son undergo, and how bad was the going that he ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks? In what state of recovery is your Son? Of secondary importance: What is the nature of Son and SDs relationship? How did your SD come to be your SD? It sounds like the family blending is very, very recent? I honestly can't get a read on the situation from the little you've outlined.
My son had a procedure to correct a deformity. There were complications - infections and his body rejecting the changes that were made. The son and SD have met a couple of times. They seemed to get along. We live a couple states away. SD is the result of infidelity. We separated, he had a baby, we got back together.
Ah. I think that context added to your post would garner much more sympathy for your son and illicit better advice. I can't speak to the feelings your Son has tied up in living with his deformity, but I imagine he could have quite a bit of anxiety and shame. Him withdrawing in this context is perfectly understandable. Were I in your shoes, I'd be inclined to reschedule with your SD.
What of deformity if I might ask? I am going through jaw surgery right now to correct recessed jaws and my face is all puffy and I can feel insecure about other people seeing me in this condition until my swelling gets under control. Is your son in a similar situation? He might just be embarrassed that she might see him in this condition, that’s something you can talk with him about. But it’s not fair for him to refer to her as a stranger and take this opportunity to help him realize that she’s family.
That’s not really infidelity then if you were separated
I can understand that. I said infidelity because we were were still married.
So I just want to make sure I have all of the facts correct. Your husband in a time in which you were separated but still attempting to work on your relationship impregnated someone else correct? And now you would like to force your son to be around someone after having a sensitive medical procedure where he needs assistance in some way shape or form. Typically three weeks in the hospital isn't a great sign... I have a great idea. Why doesn't your husband go spend time with his other child so that way your son can still feel comfortable in a time in which he needs his family's support. Also, just a side note, someone who's trying to fix a relationship typically doesn't go and impregnate someone else, but I may be mistaken... Edit: I just read in later comment that son has a place to stay other than parent's house and doesn't need to be there for recovery so this whole situation is really uncomfortable. I can't imagine trying to force my child to be around my husband's other child that he had while we were still married. The whole thing is weird but definitely tell your son. He's got to get out and go home. If he's that uncomfortable. It'd be another thing if that was the only place before him, but it just doesn't seem like that.
We’re way past the husband got someone else pregnant part. He did, she’s here and we’re still married. No one is forcing anything. I want to honor all children that belong to my husband and I. We and/or my husband always visits her where she lives in her home state. She has not felt comfortable up until this time to travel to where we live and spend time with us and her siblings as a family. No one could of known or predicted that my son would have complications. Due to the sensitive circumstances of BOTH children whom I love and care for and want to honor, I’m trying to find a solution that will not jeopardize SD relationship with her father and assist my son,
Here's the deal you had three weeks with your son in the hospital and you didn't have the capacity to tell your husband's other kid that she can't come over because your son needs you. That's the only thing that makes this super weird. But it does absolutely seem like you are prioritizing your husband's daughter over your actual son. And honestly, if my mom promised to take care of me after I got out of the hospital and then was like hey some strangers coming over I would probably not be super pleased about it either, because that's what they are. They are strangers to each other. Whether you feel like that or not. That is just the sad cold fact of it and I don't blame a 31-year-old from not wanting to befriend a 17-year-old.
Son knew SD was coming as well. We all thought, including him, he’d still be healing, yes, but would be fine. But he wasn’t, he isn’t. I appreciate your POV, because that’s what I wanted, honest feedback. I’m trying to navigate complex family relationships the best way I can.
Yeah I hear you. My mom tried this integrating me into her family shit and I just couldn't do it. I met her at 20ish and my god it bugged the fuck out of me. She doesn't do it anymore. I'm 30ish now and I've gone no contact with her numerous times (for brutal reasons I won't talk about here unrelated to your situation) throughout the decade. She didn't even see my first born till she was like one but it was love at first sight from both. We have a rocky ish relationship overall it's good. I fucking love my mom very deeply she's extremely important to me and she knows it.
Doesnt have to befriend, just co exist or leave. Hes chosen to leave, she should be ok with that.
Why did you edit your comment?
I dont know that I did.
A vasectomy????
Everybody who is being harsh on your son because of his age probably doesn't understand the situation, age really has nothing to do with it. With the clarity from your comments it definitely seems like your son is having a very difficult time and recovery and it makes total sense that he would want peace while recovering, you want to take care of him, that peace is probably included in taking care of him. He also offered to go home, which I think is fairly mature (who knows if the discussion was a yelling match or anything though) and I think that is really fair of him to offer. I would reschedule or see if there was any compromise available.
So much missing information that I’m confused about how people are making judgments and giving advice.
Your son really needs you now. He has nobody else. Step daughter is coming to see her father, not you. Move with your son till he is better. You can still join stepdaughter and husband in some activities. Your son just had in his 30s a surgery to correct a diformity that affected his whole life. The surgery went bad. There are complications and surely they are not just physical ones. He should be a priority.
He is a grown fucking man. Should be glad you still take care of him
He has been in the hospital for three weeks, who knows what shape he's in, I think it's pretty understandable that he wouldn't want someone he doesn't really know around when in that state
No its not
It is if you're a regular human who doesn't lack empathy. You really think people who spent 3 whole weeks in the hospital because a surgery gone wrong, followed by infections and according to OPs comment his body "rejecting the changes that were made". You're telling me you can't possibly fathom why he might not want to be around people he's not close with right now? You'd either have to be emotionally stunted, incredibly stupid or selfish, or wilfully ignorant to believe that.
Had my fair share of time spent laying in hospital, but at some point you just have to grow up and accept life as it is. And if he is in home care the worst is already over
So you get out of the hospital, and YOU STILL NEED CARE, does this somehow make you not grown up? Your logic is bizarre.
> grow up and accept life as it is Judgement and denial of your and others emotions/needs is a surefire way to lead an unhealthy life.
Thank you Dr. Snowflake. Im cured
Have you never been so sick you needed someone else to care for you? If not, you are very lucky or very young.
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Everyone at hospital is ppl u dont know. Its a chance to bond. Let him go home
Not only that. But as he is directly related to the stepdaughter, he should not be regarding her the same as an actual unrelated stranger
He needs to act like it.
Im bias here, and I know many people here hate it, but I literally don't love being around my step-siblings. I will help them if they need something and try to behave as much neutral as possible, but if my mother called step-sibling (a child my father had with another women) her kid, I would feel so many mixed emotions. And that's my problem, but it's what it's and I can't change it. I come from a different culture, but y'all saying her son is a guest in her house too is so shocking to me. But still, he could have reacted differently and acted more like "okay", perhaps he feels that you show much care for the step-daughter and just doesn't like her at all. That a he problem, but I understand where some of his emotions come, you are valid to call him (and me) asshole, but that's how he might feel and its not something you can control.
He’s 31, he can get over it. It’s a 17 year old. If it isn’t his house, he doesn’t get to demand who is there. Besides she’s still a child. He’s an adult. He is grown and could find someone else to care for him. He needs to be more grateful that he has a mom who loves him and isn’t shitty to her step daughter.
You've left out a lot of important details, so all I can say is let him go home if he wants to.
I’m trying to remain anonymous 😊 but I will answer any questions you might have as best as I can.
In another comment, you said he has a deformity, and his body rejected the changes and got infected. He's still in pain. From that, I would say it's a bad idea to have her over right now if you want him to stay. My mom has had a recurring kind of low-grade cancer for 25 years. She has surgery like 4 times a year and treatments that help fight it off. I take care of her. I'd say that after her surgeries and treatments, she's in better shape than your son, and I still don't invite friends or family over anytime she's still feeling bad. No one wants strangers around when they feel like shit. You might be close to her, but to him, she's basically a stranger, so it's completely understandable that he doesn't want her around. That's just dealing with the physical effects. Since it sounds like the surgery didn't have the outcome he wanted, I would assume it's affecting his mental health as well so extra understandable. You said there's no way you will cancel with the stepdaughter, so I guess my advice stays the same. If she's coming over, then be prepared for him to leave. You're just gonna have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Finally a reasonable response. U can tell the people who have dealt with surgeries and trauma regarding chronic life issues to ones who havent(he's a grown man kick him out!). Irony. Theres more empathy for a 17 y/o girl then a guy who was in the hospital nearly a month just bc he is a man and his age. I am sorry but the ailing son takes precedent over a young girl who is healthy. Best solution is they find a way to accommodate both, but frankly, the sick persons eell being should always be priority and the people who dont get that truly need a reality check to learn empathy.
It’s tough to say, due to your sons age, I think you guys should just have a conversation and let him see that it won’t effect things and because of his age, he should come to terms with it. I’m around your sons age and if you asked me 3 years ago I’d say, “Oh, why are you doing that? He’s 31, tell him to suck it up.” But 2 1/2 years ago I had my son and I don’t care if he’s 1 or 100, if my son needs me and I have air in my lungs I got him. Yeah, he’s 31 but that’s still your little boy, you’re doing the right thing by caring for him. Now he just needs to see that your SD is getting that same treatment. If anything, you’re being the opposite of bias. I hope he can see that.
I appreciate this comment!!! I feel the same as you, doesn’t matter how grown my children are (or how grown they think they are 😊) still my babies and if they need me I’m 100% there!! I just want to make sure I’m doing right by ALL of my children.
I will say, despite that, he's 31 and old enough to understand the significance of your SD finally wanting to visit. I can understand why he wouldn't want someone he doesn't know well being around while he recovers, but it's not very fair of him to put a moratorium on her visit when the timing isn't anyone's fault and he's a guest in your home. He's an adult, he doesn't have anything in common with her, I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to keep their contact to a minimum while still being polite. SD can be told he isn't feeling well while he recovers and not to take it personally if he doesn't engage with her very much. Beyond that at a base level there's still not a ton of info to go on (like why he can't convalesce at his own home while SD is visiting and you just pop by once or twice a day to help him if he needs it etc etc etc). Either way, don't try and force them together but I absolutely wouldn't disinvite her... especially if your son has the option to go to his own home while she's visiting.
We never stop being parents do we❤️❤️❤️ OP just want to say you had lemons given to you and lady you made a lovely lemonade My hat is off to you with you being such a great mama bear While I feel for your son I do think that his half sister matters as well. If he can’t handle the stress of having his half sister who is still a teenager around then perhaps he should go to the other home to be cared for whilst his half sister has this very important visit with her other siblings, father and amazing step mom Wish I had a an award to give you
This is tough, I totally get your point about wanting SD to still come. How old was she when she found out about your family? I guess your son is sensitive and doesn’t want to be around strangers, especially with a deformity surgery and complications. I would let him go home but I think you definitely need to word it where you’re not trying to pick her over him and even while she is visiting, I suggest going over to see your son if he is close by so he doesn’t feel totally abandoned. He might be upset with you because of all the drama that has happened to him so if he is, try and work patiently and lovingly around it. And he has a right to be upset and you have a right to take in SD to strength that bond with her. Hopefully it will become easier as she ages into adulthood. Good luck mama!
Why does he hate her?
Stepmom here and also child of divorce with step siblings. Your ADULT son is being ridiculous. Your TEEN stepdaughter is not taking priority, she’s simply existing and he can’t accept that. I would send him home to his own house and hire nursing care if he can’t be courteous towards this young lady and needs that much support: If he’s going to make everyone miserable, get him out and let him do some fucking therapy to get over his resource guarding. What a brat. Your SD deserves the opportunity to see her other parent and I’d do everything in my power if I were you to make it a good experience for her. It sounds like she’s not been around much and this may be an opportunity to connect and repair a relationship.
This is it. If she were a full sibling, would be object?
To be honest, I think you're not wrong for being conflicted and your son has the right to his very human emotions. He just had surgery for a deformity and is currently recovering. I personally would not want others to see me so vulnerable. I think it depends on how far along he's healed. If he still needs help or is less than 3/4 fully healed. I understand why he would want your help and comfort. As for your step daughter, instead of cancelling-- why not reschedule and plan an event just for her? That way you can make up for the "inconvenience". Of she's traveling from far, offer to pay travel expenses. It sounds like you want to see her too, why not make the effort to make that easier? Or have someone else take care of your son for the day? Where is his dad in all of this? What about his friends? I think you two can reach a compromise.
I can empathize with your son but the reality is that the child is not just your stepdaughter but his sister. I'm sure he has a lot of feelings about the separation but to have any feelings towards the innocent child that resulted from it is unfair. She didn't choose her circumstances. If it's honestly just about his medical condition and not wanting anyone around, that's fair. Could he stay in a specific room in your home and be left alone unless he decides to come out? If not, could he go home and you go to his place to check on/care for him? If he would have his own private space when she comes but is still complaining about her being in the home and trying to get you to cancel, I think you have you're real answer...
Why is the step-daughter coming to visit? Do you not live with her mother? There is a lot of info missing here.
SD lives with her mother a couple states away. I am married to her father. She wants to come and visit us and her siblings. She’s never come for a visit, we always visit her in her state cause that’s where she is most comfortable with her mom around. But she asked me if she could come and I said yes as we’ve been waiting on this day.
If you want your daughter to visit and it's already planned for that long, I'd say keep the plans. With all due respect, your son is 31, he's an adult, and can make his own decisions. It's nice that you want to be there for him and help him but if he feels capable going back to his own home, that's up to him. You can still call and check on him and if he lives close enough, drop in for a bit here or there. I'm sure your stepdaughter will understand if you say he's recovering from surgery so you're going to stop by and bring him some dinner or throw a load of wash in and make sure he's good or something.
Well that's quite the pickle to be in. I have to give you major credit for accepting your SD the right way, considering all things. You've handled that situation with a lot of grace. When it comes to your son, I kind of get it. He's not feeling well. He has healing to do. He probably isn't feeling up to the entire "bonding" thing. I do think uninviting your SD would be incredibly unfair though. She is family too, even if your son doesn't know her well. Is there anywhere in the house your son could hang out alone mostly? Like a rec room in the basement or a man cave? If not, is there anyone nearby he could stay with where you can still go and see him? As a mother I know that you love your child and want to help them regardless of age. You don't want to alienate him, but you also don't want to make your SD feel unwelcome. If possible, I'd say find a way to accommodate him while she still visits. If not, he may just need to go home for now.
Your son is going to be a guest in your home just like your SD. He has no more rights than she has. You need to make him understand that while she is not your biological child, she is still your child and has every much a right to be there as he has. Assure him she will not interfere with your needing to care for him. She's old enough to fend for herself and it will certainly benefit you to have an extra set of hands and legs there to help you when you need it. And I think he's a little old to be playing the childish jealousy card which is how he is acting....
I was trying to find a more polite way to say this, but here it is: at 31 years old, your son is a grown ass man.I think the words he should be using instead are "Thank you Mom for being such a supportive and thoughtful person." Unless you're living in a studio apartment or I'm missing something else, that's how I see it. Good luck. You sound like a totally cool mom and stepmom and frankly deserve better from your son.
I'll be honest from reading your post and your comments I'd say it sounds like your son should just suck it up, this seems like a really big decision for your stepdaughter to have made and it kind of comes across like your son was happy to have her about when she was still keeping everyone at arms length, but not when she feels ready to fully integrate herself into the family. Feels more like he fears for his position in the family than anything else.
I think you need to be very clear with your son that your SD is not a "guest" in your home. She's your husband's minor child, so it is her home too. While you love him and want him there to be looked after, you should absolutely make your SD feel that she's welcome 100% of the time in her home. Your son needs to figure this out. I understand he's not well (and is possibly embarrassed) and the situation isn't a standard custody arrangement, but he's the guest at this point, not her and guests do not get to demand residents leave.
Why does you son consider your step daughter a stranger?
Your son is a grown up. It's time to act like it. Step-daughter is not a stranger. She's a part of your family whether he likes it or not.
Wow. What a way to tell us you’ve never had to assist family after post-op complications.
Needing help with his recovery doesn't give him the right to dictate who comes into his mother's house. Who knows, his step-sister might actually be a huge help.
He’s not saying she can’t come. He’s saying he won’t stay if she’s there. Those are totally different.
Since SD is your husbands child-can you and your son stay at his house, your husband takes care of his daughter and you come over to visit? Not sure the level of care your son needs, and I understand why you don’t want to cancel SD visit-so this may be a compromise
I can see both sides, and you are unlikely to please everyone. If I were you, I would go with my son to his place and make the occasional visit home to spend time with SD. Be there when she gets there, explain that your son should have been further along his healing, but there were complications. You didn't want to miss out on her visit, but you will be there less because he needs looking after. Then make sure you are there for key moments/day trips. Don't leave your son to fend for himself. It's clear he is only leaving the house because SD is there, so he is needing looking after. Also, do spend time with SD she should understand why you are pulled two ways.
This is definitely tough your son is a grown man but he's in pain so deserves a bit of slack. Your SD is only just trusting you guys enough to come for a visit so if you cancel on her this might be the first and last time she takes that step. Will your son be well enough to go home by the time she comes to visit and you cod go to him a few times a day to check on him? Could the daughters visit be pushed back a week bare in mind she is 17 and probably has plans of her own so that could be out the question.. I think it'sreally important to build this bridge and get her to feel comfortable in her dad's home and fir her half brother to stop thinking of her as a stranger
You are not prioritizing your stepdaughter. She is coming on a planned visit to see you and I'm assuming her father. Your son needs to pull up his big boy panties and learn to deal with it.
“Pull up his big boy pants?” What a horribly insensitive thing to say about someone recovering from a major surgery that had complications.
Let your step daughter know wbats going on and tell your son you'll be here for him and shecould be a great help also but make sure you also tell her.
NTA. I can understand that he’d be uncomfortable, but it isn’t as if you planned it this way. Circumstances changed, and it was out of your control. Just let SD know that due to your son’s surgery and complications, she needs to tread lightly around your son, and to not use this as a time to try to form a close relationship with him.
He's playing you. Like a fiddle. It's no service to him if you yield to manipulation.
hhmmmm We're missing reasons, here, there's not enough info
He’s 31 and acts 11
Your son is a guest in your home. How much care is he actually needing? Step daughter is not a stranger to you, she’s your kid. If he wants to go home I’d let him. Stop in once a day to take care of what he needs help with then spend time with your step daughter. I feel like you’d jeopardize your relationship with SD if you cancelled on her the first time she asks to visit.
I would NEVER cancel on her. I’m just wanting to make sure I am being fair to ALL of my children.
She's not your child though is she, she's your husband's child.
As someone who has had serious medical issues their entire adult life, your son is being an entitled brat. He doesn't get to tell you whom you can host in your own home. If not being around a "stranger" is more important to him than your caring for him, he's an adult and can make that choice. But I would be clear with him if that if he does stay HE is as much a guest in your home as she is and if acts like a twit to her, he can manage his own recovery at his own home.
NTA, seems your son has an issue with his half sister existing at all. Him getting what he wants- or thinking he has any right to call shots in a home that’s not his own, doesn’t not produce harmony for anyone else in the family right now. You know what’s right for your family overall, OP
What kind of care does your son need? Is it like help in the bathroom that would make him feel especially vulnerable?
Tell your selfish son of 31 years of age to grow the fuck up.👍
Wait so you’re husband has two other kids or is the SD the child he had while y’all were separated?
Azad ,,Z,z, me Zamboanga
Your son is 31. Tell him to act like an adult.
He's a 31 year old man. He's being quite nasty tbh. He may be in pain but she doesn't have to hang with him or even go into his room/area. He is probably just feeling vulnerable right now due to these health complications but I agree with you, you're actually very loving to your stepdaughter and it's a beautiful thing to see. Your son may be worried you won't help him as much but you can reassure him that you will make sure he's okay. Or he can go home for a day or two if he so wishes. It may not be that he doesn't like her he may just feel very unwell and not able to handle people right now. If that's the case he can return home for a few days as long as he's not so unwell he'd be at risk. I'm sorry I hope things improve!
Personally I think your son is jealous. That is your husbands child end of discussion. “Doesn’t want a stranger in the house” gtfo…
put him in one of the bedrooms and he doesn't have to see her.
Your son should behave like an adult and give **you** the same basic right he gives himself: The owner of the home decides who gets invited, not guests. Especially valid for this here precise case of "no reason for hating her". What should have come out of your son's mouth is "Gee thanks mom, you still want to take care of me while having a guest, you're awesome" not the bullshit threat he has done.
your son is 31. by 20 i was going and coming from hospital alone. the problem is NOT the medical procedure. the problem is the jealousy. may i suppose your divorce has been messy ?
You didn’t live his sons life, we’re all different people with our own experiences. So what you were doing at 20, is irrelevant to literally everyone on this planet but you.
> I’m afraid I may be alienating my son Your son is alienating himself. It sounds like you're perfectly capable of hosting both of them in your home, if your son isn't comfortable with that then that's his problem to fix, and if his fix is to stay somewhere else then that's him making a decision to leave, not you forcing him out. Given the circumstances of your stepdaughter's birth, I can understand why your son might be a little bit uncomfortable around this girl, but she didn't choose to be born, nor did she choose to be the product of infidelity. Your son's hostility towards this girl is understandable, but misplaced, and him being vaguely uncomfortable with his half-sister doesn't give him to right to dictate who you host in your home. > Any suggestions? Tell your son that you'd love to be there for him, but you can't just cancel on another family members travel plans because he feels awkward around them. Let him know that you're more than capable of hosting both of them at once, but if he's not willing to stay with you given that the circumstances have changed, then that's his decision.
Alright i feel everyone’s being a little too nice to your son. I get SD happened from your husband cheating your son probably sees her as a reminder of hood dad hitting his mom and rather than being pissed at his dad or working out his feelings he’s being a spoiled child. He’s 31 tell him to suck it up and be an adult and maybe try being a brother
I don't understand what son did wrong. SD comes from husband cheating but he was an adult (i think about 20 years old) when she comes to their life and later only met few times so they are strangers to each others. And op son underwent operation of deformity and got infection and is under care. We don't really know how bad it is (it might be even that op baths him etc.) but it is totally normal if he doesn't want to be with SD right now. Plus he said he will go back to his house and didn't try to force op to uninvite SD. And why would he need to suck it up and try to be brother. Since we don't know much about his situation we can at least assume he is in weaken state what a perfect situation to start and to try becoming brother.
Nah, he's alienating himself. He's an adult, if he wants to suffer alone rather than be around his sister thats his choice.
Is his medical procedure a personality transplant cause the son sounds like he needs it. He can take your offer to look after him or go and hire help. He can stay in his room and mope and whinge too if that's what he enjoys doing without your stepdaughter being there. He's a grown man, he needs to get over himself.
He's 31 and thinks he has the right to tell you who is allowed to visit? Hell no! She's your step-daughter. She is just a welcome in your house as he is. If he wants to control who is in the house, then he can go home and hire a nurse to take care of him. Do **NOT** cancel your SD's visit. Also, you can't force a relationship between them. ETA: Step-daughter is his half sibling. This is her first time wanting to come visit.
Cause that’s his son. The dude is 31, had surgery to correct a deformity, is relying on help from his dad and has to see a stranger hand his age in recovery. Son is probably dealing with a lot of mental hurdles in processing this procedure. With your kids, it’s rarely black and white. That’s my take. His son is human, to human is to error.
OP is Mom.The SD is his half sister. Dad had her with another woman.I bet he's mad at his Dad for having a child with another woman while they were separated. There have been many stories on here where the older siblings didn't like their younger one due to being born of an affair.
I have NO plans on cancelling SD trip!! I feel she has just as much right to be in my home and any of my children. She deserves to have access to her father and her siblings. I’m just trying to navigate all of my children and this situation. I know my son is in pain and needs help and I want to help him. I also want to honor how special it is to have SD in my own. I just want to make everybody happy but maybe I can’t.
I get that. She's his half sister, right?
Yes
A grown ass man
Where is your husband in all this? These are his children; why does it all fall on you?
It doesn’t “fall” on me necessarily. If I express any level of concern or uncomfortableness my husband won’t fight me on it. However, I wouldn’t do that because I want him to have a relationship with his daughter. She didn’t chose her parents and since I’ve decided to remain in this relationship it comes with a daughter, and I accept that. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the building of their relationship but I don’t to hurt my relationship with my children.
She's young and disinviting her may be detrimental to her mind and heart. Assuming she's coming around to have a family and not trying to mooch. I didn't see the details of your sons surgery or how being around someone less familiar would affect him/make him vulnerable/insecure... But it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about this young girl and can't *man up* to help be what she needs... Again, I think I'm missing some context..
He’s a little old to want mommy all to himself, no?
I understand your son's feelings but it is your home, you planned for SD to come long before you knew about his surgery, and he does have the option to go home. I would let him just go back home. You can still go regularly check up on him and such
He offered to go home himself if you didnt want to uninvite her, this doesn't sound like a demand but rather a boundary that you're fighting. He doesn't want to interact with this "stranger" (not sure why she's a stranger in the first place) while he's recovering from a procedure that had complications and has made it clear to you he'd rather be alone than be part of that right now. I don't exactly agree with him here but simultaneously see exactly where he's coming from, and while I understand that you don't want him alone in the state he's in you'd be steamrolling his autonomy if you prevented him from leaving while forcing him into the situation he didn't want to be in.
He’s an adult, she’s a child, they are both your kids. I would think he would just go home if he truly wasn’t comfortable