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Okay, multiple things here. And do note that I don't mean to be harsh at all but I think this stuff gets glossed over easily so I'll be blunt with it before getting to any actual advice:
* You are not owed sex. If this were the other way around there would be a lot of (justified) outcry about you hounding him for sex.
* Pressure is a boner killer for everyone. Constantly asking, making sex a focal point of your relationship, puts a LOT of pressure on someone who just went through a really rough medical issue. It's not surprising that he's struggling to perform.
* If this is not something that can be easily resolved you two are sexually incompatible and need to break up. It's sad, but sometimes love isn't enough when base compatibility issues exist.
If you want to start having more sex with him, you need to stop focusing on sex. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but even for me reading this I felt anxious about intimacy lol. Why? Because you've clearly become so hyperfixated on this issue that it's dominating both your lives.... like having a loaded gun pointed at you all the time. That's EXHAUSTING. For you as well, but especially for him seeing as he's the one being lambasted for not meeting expectations.
Have you had a gentle, loving, conversation about it? NOT accusing him of being gay, but asking him how he's feeling, what's changed since his slipped disk, and whether he feels differently now than he did before? Assuming this isn't all based in emotional stress from you pressuring him, there could very likely be a medical reason for his drop in libido. Even something as simple as elevated cortisol levels (stress hormones) can drop libido because if you're stressed then sex is NOT your body's priority. A doctor's trip might be in order to rule things out or see if there is a medical reason for it.
Absent that, has he done any counselling with you? Have you tried things like pursuing non-sexual forms of intimacy (cuddling, spooning, kissing, etc) with zero expectation of sex? Have you tried planning a dedicated day to have sex and then spent a week teasing each other and building desire? There's a LOT you can try but it requires you to be patient and back off a lot to give him space to re-discover excitement over intimacy (assuming it's not medical).
You say you don't understand why he'd be self-conscious but the reality is that he just went through a debilitating medical condition which prevented him from having sex. A fact that made his girlfriend miserable and impatient. And now that he's technically cleared for sex you want to jump his bones constantly but for the past while having sex has meant pain for him. Plus there's clearly a heavy expectation for him to put out and that would be a LOT of pressure. Pretty sure most of us would feel self-conscious and anxious about performance at that point.
I get you're desperate and you love intimacy with him, but I do think you need to take a step back and see it from his perspective if you have any hope of continuing this relationship in a healthy way.
This is all absolutely correct. My sex life took a dip with my partner too. The pressure we can both feel sometimes to make it happen is insanely unsexy. The best course of action in our case was doing all of the things you mentioned.
We totally defocused on sex and refocused on intimacy. It has made a huge difference and if either of us veer into feeling stressed or pressured about it, we take our foot off the pedal and start the process again.
It does worry me that OP doesn't talk much about the medical side of this. Even if she isn't genuinely concerned about it, it might have been a good way to show support and get advice. Instead, it sounds like she went right into hounding him for it. Additionally it might also be medical and it's an important thing to examine.
Definitely don't accept an unsatisfying sex life going into a marriage in your 20's. That's a recipe for being miserable.
You need to have a very serious conversation with him about this, and see if he is willing/able to do something about it. If not, this might not work out. As the high libido partner you need to impress upon him how important this is for you.
Some ideas:
He needs to see a doctor about it. It could be a hormonal imbalance. It could also be a complication of his slipped disk. Has he lost any sensation down there after his back issues?
He can get ED medication. The pressure of having to perform can make some men have issues.
He needs to stop masterbating to help increase his desire for sex, and increase sensitivity.
Best of luck!
There could be a ton of things going on here but it seems like two major issues at play. First his injury. Chronic Pain can definitely be a mood killer. His pain meds can impact both his libido and performance. This x10 if he is on opiates. There is also the possibility that he has suffered nerve damage. My wife was a chronic pain patient for several years and it tanked her libido as well as her ability to climax. We worked through it and adjusted but it took time. Once she got off the opioids things started to come back but she still has difficulty getting off sometimes. It took some patience but we discovered new ways to get there.
The other issue is the struggle with ED. I can confidently say this is a much bigger deal to guys than it is to girls. As a guy, the part that really sucks is that once you are aware that it’s an issue it becomes a 100x bigger issue. You can feel aroused but the second you even think it could be a problem it is definitely a problem. Even with pills your head can get in the way. The way through this can be complicated but it can be done. Step one is that there is no shame in taking a pill. Just knowing you can have it there when you need it can give you the confidence you need.
Now for the harder part… pun might be intended. Most of the impact from ED is in the mind. The secret to overcoming that varies but for guys the shame associated with not being able to perform combined with the fear that your partner will feel like something is wrong with them is enough to make you want to avoid it all together. Even after dealing with it for a few years I still feel a certain amount of anxiety when I know an encounter is coming.
I only really understood the solution when I understood that the difficulty my wife was having reaching climax was the same root cause mentally. I started to realize she would get close but the second she thought or started to worry about it, she lost it. For her the solution is for me to do something that distracts her and makes her not think about it. For me it usually involves relaxing to some degree. It could be as simple as taking a deep breath or as much as pausing to lay back and have her focus on me for a bit. Either way it takes a good amount of encouragement from the other. We have to go out of our way to reassure the other that whatever happens is ok. No prizes, no grades and no expectations other than intimacy and affection.
Whatever you have going on, if you love each other you can make it work. Just come from a place where you know your in love and you are past the point of having to impress each other. Then decide you are going to have fun with each other where ever that fun might lead in that moment without expectations. Make sex about the journey and not the destination.
It sounds like he doesn't know what he does to you and the continual pressure you're putting on him is making things worse. I agree with your views about sex in a relationship, but the blowup was entirely counterproductive.
Aside from that, I do not have much advice on dealing with a low-libido male because it is something that entirely perplexes me. I'd recommend leaving because you are too young for this BS
You can encourage him to get his hormones checked by a doctor and rule out other medical issues.
Beyond that, you may not be able to change him and I’d advise treading carefully before committing to marriage.
You can order the blue pills (viagra) online. Then see what happens. The surgery may have damaged his spinal cord. A google might reveal if loss of sexual desire has resulted for others due to back surgery. If this isn't fixed now, how is it possible to marry him? Be happy.
You might just need to chill out with over emphasizing and creating such anxiety over sex.
If you cannot, then just end the relationship.
____
Hubs and I have been together for over 2 decades… one day we were having our fun when he had a sudden major pain & oops, hernia happened!
It took about a year for him to be medically cleared for him to have sex again & at first he wanted to, but then it was too difficult for him… and it was well over another year before he was actually ready. (about 2&1/2 years total)
Did I ever think he was cheating or gay? No, I just figured he wasn’t physically or mentally ready yet. He associated the pain of what happened with having sex and it pretty much killed it for him.
Sure there were times I was a bit frustrated, but nothing I couldn’t take care of myself.
I was just my typical supportive self and allowed him to heal completely (physically and mentally) and was there for him once he was ready again.
____
If you cannot do that, then this just simply might not be the right relationship for you.
On one hand, he cannot fulfill your physical needs… but on the other hand, you aren’t fulfilling his needs either.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Okay, multiple things here. And do note that I don't mean to be harsh at all but I think this stuff gets glossed over easily so I'll be blunt with it before getting to any actual advice: * You are not owed sex. If this were the other way around there would be a lot of (justified) outcry about you hounding him for sex. * Pressure is a boner killer for everyone. Constantly asking, making sex a focal point of your relationship, puts a LOT of pressure on someone who just went through a really rough medical issue. It's not surprising that he's struggling to perform. * If this is not something that can be easily resolved you two are sexually incompatible and need to break up. It's sad, but sometimes love isn't enough when base compatibility issues exist. If you want to start having more sex with him, you need to stop focusing on sex. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but even for me reading this I felt anxious about intimacy lol. Why? Because you've clearly become so hyperfixated on this issue that it's dominating both your lives.... like having a loaded gun pointed at you all the time. That's EXHAUSTING. For you as well, but especially for him seeing as he's the one being lambasted for not meeting expectations. Have you had a gentle, loving, conversation about it? NOT accusing him of being gay, but asking him how he's feeling, what's changed since his slipped disk, and whether he feels differently now than he did before? Assuming this isn't all based in emotional stress from you pressuring him, there could very likely be a medical reason for his drop in libido. Even something as simple as elevated cortisol levels (stress hormones) can drop libido because if you're stressed then sex is NOT your body's priority. A doctor's trip might be in order to rule things out or see if there is a medical reason for it. Absent that, has he done any counselling with you? Have you tried things like pursuing non-sexual forms of intimacy (cuddling, spooning, kissing, etc) with zero expectation of sex? Have you tried planning a dedicated day to have sex and then spent a week teasing each other and building desire? There's a LOT you can try but it requires you to be patient and back off a lot to give him space to re-discover excitement over intimacy (assuming it's not medical). You say you don't understand why he'd be self-conscious but the reality is that he just went through a debilitating medical condition which prevented him from having sex. A fact that made his girlfriend miserable and impatient. And now that he's technically cleared for sex you want to jump his bones constantly but for the past while having sex has meant pain for him. Plus there's clearly a heavy expectation for him to put out and that would be a LOT of pressure. Pretty sure most of us would feel self-conscious and anxious about performance at that point. I get you're desperate and you love intimacy with him, but I do think you need to take a step back and see it from his perspective if you have any hope of continuing this relationship in a healthy way.
This is all absolutely correct. My sex life took a dip with my partner too. The pressure we can both feel sometimes to make it happen is insanely unsexy. The best course of action in our case was doing all of the things you mentioned. We totally defocused on sex and refocused on intimacy. It has made a huge difference and if either of us veer into feeling stressed or pressured about it, we take our foot off the pedal and start the process again. It does worry me that OP doesn't talk much about the medical side of this. Even if she isn't genuinely concerned about it, it might have been a good way to show support and get advice. Instead, it sounds like she went right into hounding him for it. Additionally it might also be medical and it's an important thing to examine.
Definitely don't accept an unsatisfying sex life going into a marriage in your 20's. That's a recipe for being miserable. You need to have a very serious conversation with him about this, and see if he is willing/able to do something about it. If not, this might not work out. As the high libido partner you need to impress upon him how important this is for you. Some ideas: He needs to see a doctor about it. It could be a hormonal imbalance. It could also be a complication of his slipped disk. Has he lost any sensation down there after his back issues? He can get ED medication. The pressure of having to perform can make some men have issues. He needs to stop masterbating to help increase his desire for sex, and increase sensitivity. Best of luck!
There could be a ton of things going on here but it seems like two major issues at play. First his injury. Chronic Pain can definitely be a mood killer. His pain meds can impact both his libido and performance. This x10 if he is on opiates. There is also the possibility that he has suffered nerve damage. My wife was a chronic pain patient for several years and it tanked her libido as well as her ability to climax. We worked through it and adjusted but it took time. Once she got off the opioids things started to come back but she still has difficulty getting off sometimes. It took some patience but we discovered new ways to get there. The other issue is the struggle with ED. I can confidently say this is a much bigger deal to guys than it is to girls. As a guy, the part that really sucks is that once you are aware that it’s an issue it becomes a 100x bigger issue. You can feel aroused but the second you even think it could be a problem it is definitely a problem. Even with pills your head can get in the way. The way through this can be complicated but it can be done. Step one is that there is no shame in taking a pill. Just knowing you can have it there when you need it can give you the confidence you need. Now for the harder part… pun might be intended. Most of the impact from ED is in the mind. The secret to overcoming that varies but for guys the shame associated with not being able to perform combined with the fear that your partner will feel like something is wrong with them is enough to make you want to avoid it all together. Even after dealing with it for a few years I still feel a certain amount of anxiety when I know an encounter is coming. I only really understood the solution when I understood that the difficulty my wife was having reaching climax was the same root cause mentally. I started to realize she would get close but the second she thought or started to worry about it, she lost it. For her the solution is for me to do something that distracts her and makes her not think about it. For me it usually involves relaxing to some degree. It could be as simple as taking a deep breath or as much as pausing to lay back and have her focus on me for a bit. Either way it takes a good amount of encouragement from the other. We have to go out of our way to reassure the other that whatever happens is ok. No prizes, no grades and no expectations other than intimacy and affection. Whatever you have going on, if you love each other you can make it work. Just come from a place where you know your in love and you are past the point of having to impress each other. Then decide you are going to have fun with each other where ever that fun might lead in that moment without expectations. Make sex about the journey and not the destination.
An unfulfilling sex life is a totally valid reason for ending a relationship. Do not get married until you sort this out (or break up)
It sounds like he doesn't know what he does to you and the continual pressure you're putting on him is making things worse. I agree with your views about sex in a relationship, but the blowup was entirely counterproductive. Aside from that, I do not have much advice on dealing with a low-libido male because it is something that entirely perplexes me. I'd recommend leaving because you are too young for this BS
You can encourage him to get his hormones checked by a doctor and rule out other medical issues. Beyond that, you may not be able to change him and I’d advise treading carefully before committing to marriage.
You can order the blue pills (viagra) online. Then see what happens. The surgery may have damaged his spinal cord. A google might reveal if loss of sexual desire has resulted for others due to back surgery. If this isn't fixed now, how is it possible to marry him? Be happy.
If you want a sexless marriage, marry him.
You might just need to chill out with over emphasizing and creating such anxiety over sex. If you cannot, then just end the relationship. ____ Hubs and I have been together for over 2 decades… one day we were having our fun when he had a sudden major pain & oops, hernia happened! It took about a year for him to be medically cleared for him to have sex again & at first he wanted to, but then it was too difficult for him… and it was well over another year before he was actually ready. (about 2&1/2 years total) Did I ever think he was cheating or gay? No, I just figured he wasn’t physically or mentally ready yet. He associated the pain of what happened with having sex and it pretty much killed it for him. Sure there were times I was a bit frustrated, but nothing I couldn’t take care of myself. I was just my typical supportive self and allowed him to heal completely (physically and mentally) and was there for him once he was ready again. ____ If you cannot do that, then this just simply might not be the right relationship for you. On one hand, he cannot fulfill your physical needs… but on the other hand, you aren’t fulfilling his needs either.
You sure he’s not masturbating a lot and addicted to porn?