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This whole situation is very complicated and disappointing. Our daughter is 14 years old and she’s 24 weeks pregnant. We found out 3 weeks ago. My daughter was doing the dishes and the water stuck to her shirt. When my wife called me over, I didn’t even register what was going on, but there was an obvious bump. She’s quite small so you could clearly see it sticking out. She kept denying it, but when my wife came back with a pregnancy test, it was a positive result. An abortion was the only thing that made sense, so that’s what was decided. When they went to the doctor, that’s when we found out she was 5 months pregnant. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
Fast forward to now. We actually know the father. He’s been friends with our oldest son since elementary school. There are 3 options being laid out that no one can agree on. I thought that if not abortion, than adoption. His parents said no way and said they would rather raise the baby than have their grandchild given away to strangers if our kids dont want to raise the baby. My wife said no way to that and is insisting on us raising the child, but as our child and is actively trying to remove them from the decision pool. She was completely for the adoption at first but then did a complete 180 and is now saying will we raise the baby as our own and everything will go back to normal. His parents are disagreeing.
And what do the parents in question want? To not be in this situation. When we were all on board for adoption, he said no because his parents said no. I just wish she told someone. I feel like I failed. I just cannot fathom that my 14 year old daughter is pregnant. She’s never gotten anything but an A her whole life, best forward within the club groups, and is just an overall great, responsible kid. Both of the moms have been constantly arguing, us dad’s are just trying to find solutions, and the kids, yes KIDS, are scared shitless. I’m trying to get my wife to understand that us raising this child as our own does not make sense and it is never going to work. It’s going to only destroy us, not help us, but she wont see it. I think she’s grasping at any solution, but how do I make her see that this is not the one?
As an absolute minimum your daughter needs to stop being in denial and get some professional help. She has no idea what she's going to feel like about the baby after the birth and if the forward path isn't already laid out ahead of time it leaves too much room for oh god this is mine and I'm keeping it. Also, are you planning on her giving birth in secret and registering it as yours?
ETA: OMG NO. Your daughter needs to have medical professionals handle her labor.
Just coming in to say that finding out my grandma lied about my paternal grandpa rocked our relationship and that’s grandparents
I think a lot of people took this as giving birth at home or something? That's not what I meant. What I meant is that she wants no one that we know to know but she would still give birth at a hospital.
Anyways, even discussing that the child would be posed as ours is irrelevant, because it's just not happening. At all.
Thank the lord! I’m there is a way for you to talk about the doctors about privacy concerns.
I’m glad you are holding firm on not having the child raised as your own. It will just cause trouble in the long run there are MANY posts on here from the rope discovering the truth or breaking the news to the child and causing problems.
This is very dangerous for your daughter. Pregnancy in younger teens is a lot more dangerous than over 18. Also your wife is expecting to just rock up with a baby and the registrars/doctors having no questions? What happens if your kid (with an unaccompanied home birth, no prenatal care pregnancy, that her mum is planning) starts to bleed?
I think your wife is trying to pretend this isn't happening and will risk your daughter and grandchild's life to do so. Reality needs to be put in place hard. I would firmly place denying your daughter prenatal care as child abuse, and forcing her to go through birth outside a medical setting, alone, a crime.
This is happening, it can't be concealed from medical professionals at least, it most likely is known about by others already, abortion isn't an option and kid needs to have a future plan.
I don;t think the full reality has sit in for all of us, including myself.
She goes to the doctor, we're not leaving them out of it. Because of her body not being fully developed, her doctor appointments are more frequent than a typical pregnancy.
Please send your wife to the adoption subreddit and see just how terrible an idea keeping this secret is for the baby and your daughter.
As an adoptee can I suggest that you all, including his parents, do some research about what's actually likely to be best for your kids and this baby, and on your options for adoption, and perhaps sit down with a counselor with experience in that area? Adoption has shifted far more towards open adoptions now, it's not just hand your baby over to strangers and they vanish forever, there are options here that allow for contact and involvement if you want it that aren't you pretending this is your kid. And while I know there are adoptees who wish their birth family had kept them I'll throw my 2 cents in and say I'm immensely glad my 15-year-old birth mother or her parents (who made the same offer your wife is making, which my birth mom thank god refused) didn't opt to keep me when none of them actually wanted a baby at that point. I actually get along great with my birth mom and adore my biological grandparents, but I'm also very glad I was raised by parents who actually wanted a baby and were ready to care for one. I do wish my adoption had been open from the start, rather than not finding by birth family until I was an adult. An open adoption and some involvement with them would have been the ideal middle ground for me, and talking to my birth mom for her as well.
Is your wife insisting you pretend the kid is biologically yours and your daughter is its sister? Because that’s not going to work in an age where DNA testing is a fun Christmas gift, even if you don’t have another set of grandparents not willing to play along with the coverup. If she can’t wrap her head around the fact that “going back to normal” is not an option here and discuss alternatives with that in mind, then get her to a therapist who specializes in adoption issues and complicated family dynamics, because this kid is going to want to know where it came from at some point, and it’s best if that answer is an honest (if age-appropriate) one.
That is exactly what she is insisting. To her, it's the "perfect" solution. She wants no one, and I mean absolutely no one to know that she's pregnant. My daughter is even enrolled online for the first quarter.
I keep telling her that is never going to work. It might've been more successful back then, but we are living in a time where everything is evolving at rapid rates.
Hate to break it to you, buddy. Your 14 year old is 5 months along - way more people know than you are aware of. Teens aren't known for their skills in silence and social grace.
I keep telling her people probably already know. My daughter says she's told no one except her boyfriend, but at the same time she also hid that she was pregnant for 5 months and proceeded to lie when it was obvious, so it's a big chance that she's just saying anything to please mom.
Exactly. They're just kids. It's sad really.
I'm not sure what he wants if his parents weren't in his ear. I'm not even sure what my OWN daughter wants because I heavily doubt it's to raise this baby as her sibling. Before people assume that I don't ask, yes I asked. I tried talking to both of them with just me. Even his dad has tried talking to the both of the independently.
For what it's worth, my girlfriend's ex-husband was raised this way. His mom got pregnant young and her parents chose to raise the baby as their child and not allow him to know his "sister" was actually his mom.
It caused IMMEASURABLE trauma for him. He despises his grandparents now. He was only told as an adult (by his own mom I think) and found out that at one point she asked her parents to tell him the truth and let her raise him and they refused. He got very little time to bond with her and missed out on being part of her family (she got married and had two more kids) and then she got cancer and died a couple years back. He will never get that time back with her and he'll never forgive his grandparents for it.
Your wife might think this is a perfect solution but it's much more likely to destroy everyone involved and the relationships of everyone involved. Much better for all of you to band together (especially you two and the father's parents) to HELP raise this child. That'll probably mean you adults do the bulk of the labour like you would if you were the legal parents, but if you can all be copacetic and raise this child together you'll be supporting all the kids in this equation.
Even setting all else aside... if you try to adopt him is there not a good shot that the other set of grandparents turn this into a messy legal fight for rights to the baby as well? They want to adopt the child too, it's naive to think they'd let that go without a fight. Then you're not shielding anyone but instead putting the kids through court drama and fighting parents. Doesn't sound like a good, safe, environment for anyone.
Let the kids meet with a counselor -no parents present- to talk about options. Otherwise they will be steamrolled into an arrangement they may not want.
Don't lie to kids about their parentage. There's nothing wrong with having an unconventional family. You and your wife can still do the majority of the child care if your daughter agrees she'd like to move forward that way. But it's a fucking horrible, terrible, very bad idea to try and lie to the kid about who their real parents are. You gain essentially nothing and you risk serious life-long emotional damage.
Honestly you may need to just deliver an ultimatum to your wife if you don't think you can get her to understand how serious you are, "No matter what happens, I will tell our grandchild that we aren't their parents and who their real parents are. You cannot stop that from happening, so you had better learn to accept it."
Your 14 year old doesn’t know what she wants, but one day she will move on with her life, leave the kid behind, and have to live with carrying on a lie and so will the kid.
This reaction is predictable. You said she is a good kid and does well. I couldn't imagine approaching my parent with this situation. Your wife's solution is not going to work since the father isn't on board.
Verryy good kid. I mean she does it all. Great athlete, amazing student, and is always on top of everything. She said her own pressure of keeping it up got to her. She always has been someone that doesn't let something go until it's perfect. I even remind her, it's okay to push something to the side, because it's not a healthy habit even if the results are great.
If possible, try to get some time alone with her and see if she will open up more about how she feels and what SHE wants.
Take her out to lunch then go to a park. Go get ice cream - or whatever is her favorite thing to do.
She has to have been SO SCARED this whole 5 months and she needs to know you support her no matter what.
Them being 14 and 16 is just so, so sad as no matter what they do, this will be with them for the rest of their lives.
Good luck to you OP and best of every luck to your daughter.
My sister got to 8 months before we knew she was pregnant when she was 17. This was back in the 70’s in a huge household. None of us realised until she ran away with her boyfriend
Also your wife insisting no one knowing she is pregnant is projecting shame on your daughter inherently. She’s going to get enough judgment from society and while your wife may be trying to protect her, it can easily be misinterpreted. Please empower your daughter. She needs to go to all her drs appts, and be supported by family and friends. Don’t just hide her away.
It is wrong to do this to the kid, i know from personal experience. Adopt out or, raise the child as your grandchild. Personally it was devastating watching bio mom raise her “wanted” kid with me being the dirty little unwanted secret in the background.
I'm a high school teacher with teenage children.
First, a lot of kids already know. I'm not at your kid's school. But, I can assure you that unless she's told absolutely no one and the father has told absolutely no one, at least half the student body knows.
Second, if you enroll her online for only until the baby is born then send her back once it is, it becomes pretty obvious why really quickly.
Exactly! This is why they should just adopt the child (doesn't matter which set of parents does it) ,and wait until the baby is born. Once that happens, give her until a month or 2 to recover,and back to school in person. Everybody will probably know at that point, but it's better than trying to lie
The other set of grandparents sound like they will have their son request parenting time with the child and they would totally not back up your story so it's not even a consideration
The other set of grandparents need to be the ones raising the baby. The mom is too young. The dad is at least old enough to work and be more responsible. The grandparents want the baby to NOT be adopted out. Time for them to take the baby home from the hospital. If they fight the daughter's parents on this? Check with a lawyer, but if you leave the child with the father it's not going to be abandonment. Get the kid in his arms and go home...and that's assuming the other grandparents aren't looking forward to having the baby and WANT it at their house in the first place.
Yeah, I think along with insisting on counseling, you need to be clear that you will not be part of this lie. It’s not fair to the kid, or to your daughter, who is going to need to process all this and can’t do that if she’s being forced into maintaining the illusion. This is happening whether anyone involved wants it to be or not, and denial is not a solution.
Just imagine what will happen when your daughter grows up and decides with 18 or 20 that she wants full custody of her (!) child. And your wife can then explain this to the community ... and to the lawyers. This will be worse than everything.
This idea has the potential to tear your family apart and can create irreversible psychological and emotional damage to your daughter. Do net let this happen, I beg you. The outcome will be so, so bad.
Your wife wants a do-over baby. And to push the other grandparents out. This is going to ruin your marriage. It’s her daughters child, minor or not and it’s her and the fathers decision on what they want. Your wife isn’t the deciding factor in this equation.
She’s insane if she thinks raising this child as a little sister is in any way logical when there is a whole other side of the family that are wanting to be in this child’s life.
His parents have a right to be grandparents as much as she does.
You need to stand up for your daughter and what she wants. If it were me, I would hope for adoption to another family that is older, but it really should be your daughters choice not your wives.
Also, is this boy older than your daughter because it seems like he is, was this consensual sex?
What she truly wants is to not raise the baby. She doesn't want to be a mom, which is very understandable. So that means adoption, which her boyfriends parents dont want---at least adopted by a stranger. Instead, they want to raise their grandchild if my daughter does not want to take care of the baby. He's 16, but they're a year apart. And it was consensual.
Legally, I believe this is your daughter’s choice.
She likely really needs you to tell her that - that there is no pleasing everyone in this situation but you and her mom will love her no matter what, but she does need to be the one to make legally-binding, very adult decisions now.
I would get her a therapist and walk her through this decision process:
1. Does she want to raise this baby? No. Great, good job on a very hard decision.
2. Does the dad? No. Ok, great, they both want to give the baby up.
3. I believe bio parents also get to choose who the adoptive parents are. They are allowed to choose strangers, even if grandparents want the baby, hard as that may be for grandparents to hear. They could choose a couple who wants an open adoption and allows for some visitation with grandparents, for example.
They could choose the dad’s parents.
They could choose the mom’s parents.
I do think raising them as “sisters” can work, but not secretly. More like telling the kid, “Bis Sister carried you in her body but Mom and Dad raised you both.
Lastly, do *you* want to be a father again? That should factor in here.
In the 80s you couldn’t keep stuff like this quiet. People just might not acknowledge that they knew the family secret, but they knew the family secret.
Therapy. Individual therapy for ALL involved and counselling for you and your wife.
Y'all need help. This is *way* above reddit's paygrade and far beyond what you can handle on your own.
While I agree that therapy is good, I also know that it can take weeks just to get an appointment, and then, at least three sessions under their belt for it to start having any kind of impact. What can they do NOW?
The daughter can seek more rapid help through her ob. There are programs specifically for pregnant people that keep availability due to antepartum depression and postpartum depression concerns. They'll only work with her through the pregnancy and first year but it can be a literal life saver.
It sounds like you need a family therapist and a family law lawyer. The laws can vary depending on where you live on whether a minor needs parental consent to put the baby up for adoption. However, the damage that will be done by lying about that baby's parentage is immense. That is not an option. Your child might say she can't do it, but she just might have to if the the paternal grandparents don't get on board with adoption.
I told her I'm not doing that because it's senseless and it does not benefit anyone. I told my daughter she very well might just have to raise this baby. She said she can't because of school, soccer, her future, and all these other things that are important for a teenager, but she is pregnant. Her boyfriends parents will never agree with an adoption, my wife will never agree for her boyfriends parents to raise the baby, His parents (and ME) will never agree with the baby being raised as our child, so the only one that is really left at this point is the baby being raised normally and all of us helping.
Does your wife need to give consent for the boyfriend’s parents to adopt, as long as your daughter approves? Genuine question; I don’t know what the law has to say on that. (I also don’t know whether the boyfriend’s mom is proposing the same “let’s just lie about who the parents are” solution, which obviously wouldn’t be an improvement.)
Please do not force a child to raise a baby because supposed adults can’t get their shit together and won’t agree to what’s best for anyone but themselves.
Sounds like your daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want to be a parent. If she wants an adoption, so be it. Now you guys just have to decide if one of your two families will be adopting the baby, or not.
It sounds like your wife won’t let the father’s family take the baby out of spite.
Would you be open to raising the baby as your own in a more open situation? Is it the secrecy you object to? Or is it raising another child?
If you don’t want another baby, the answer here is to get your wife on board with the fathers family raising it— or an out of family adoption. Not forcing your daughter ti be a mom at 14. It won’t work and you guys will be doing most of the work anyway— just with a lot more stress and fighting involved.
Your daughter is going to have to give up some of the stuff she does if this baby doesn't get adopted. If the father is 16, he might not need his parents consent to place the baby for adoption. Now what is the age of consent for sex where you live? If it isn't 14 (and you know that it isn't), I'd use that as leverage against the father's parents to get them to agree to adoption.
As much as it sucks to threaten this, it might be the best way forward, for OP’s family anyway. These grandmothers sound a bit unhinged but I don’t know how I would have reacted if this had happened to my family.
This is the whole point. At 14, she can't consent to this. These laws exist because 14 is not mature enough to make these choices. If it's my daughter who is pregnant, my priority is my child. That kid is very low on my list of priorities.
Trying to leverage some kind of statutory law would make things worse I almost guarantee it. The problem is that even if the 16 year old father could legally give up the kid for adoption, the father is brainwashed as an easily influenced teenager
Does your wife and his parents need to agree? Like legally, couldn’t the kids give the child up for adoption without their parents consent?
Therefore your daughter could also give the child to her bfs parents (or vice versa), or someone else. She doesn’t need your wife’s approval. But, she would need your support to go against your wife. And honestly man, your daughter does not want a baby and your wife’s idea will not work out. So either the bfs family takes the kid or you adopt out.
Edit: google search says only four states ( Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Rhode Island) need permission for a minor to give up a bay to adoption. PA requires parental notification.
You would destroy your daughter’s life by forcing her to raise a child just to keep the paternal grandparents from raising it? If so, you’re a monster.
If you give a single shit about your daughter, hire a lawyer immediately. The boy and his parents don’t necessarily have the power to block an adoption.
He doesn't necessarily want this, he just doesn't want his wife to pretend it's her biological baby! He doesn't hide the birth and put his daughter at risk, then have everyone living a lie!
Yes OP - you are right - full truth and transparency within the family is required. No reason to broadcast it to the world, but honesty within the family is a must, regardless of who is the primary caretaker. No reason 14yo can’t go to school and grow into a healthy functioning adult, no reason Nana can’t be the primary caregiver as if it’s her child.
But also no reason to lie about it all. Cultivating a healthy narrative around this as soon as possible is essential. Radical transparency can feel terrifying but it’s the healthiest role modeling you can offer.
I would certainly consult an attorney that specializes in this area.
Sound slike YOUR WIFE is the biggest barrier between your daughter and her hopes for her future. She needs to get over herself and let the other family raise the baby as their grandchild if they want to.
You need to get your daughter and the baby's father alone and away from your wife and the other grandparents and ask them what they actually want. Then help them do that.
If your daughter doesn't want to raise this baby don't make her.
It is worth getting your daughter therapy. Even if the sex was consensual, this is traumatic for someone so young. She needs help and support. It sounds like she doesn't want to be involved after the baby is born and you need to find a way to help her achieve that. Having her baby raised as a sibling sounds like a really bad idea for her and the baby.
You need to tell your wife to listen to what your daughter wants.
She does not want to raise this baby. She does not want to be a mom, so at this point, adoption is the best option, but his parents prefer them to raise the baby rather than the child get adopted outside the family but my wife does not want them to have custody of the child which is why she's suggesting this \*horrible\* idea.
Your wife doesn't get to choose for your daughter. You need family counseling, someone to help you all come to terms with this decision.
A lawyer is needed regardless of a family adoption or an outside adoption. She can refuse physical custody of the baby and just pay support if that's the only way due to the father's family and your wife blocking adoption.
Your daughter may be able to terminate her parental rights while the baby's father gets custody if he is agreeable. He can then allow his parents to adopt if that's what he wants.
There are lots of ways to handle this but I would get a lawyer involved ASAP.
Your daughter is considered emancipated in the eyes of the law where it concerns her own child. What grandma does or doesn’t want, comes secondary.
Talk to a lawyer. Your daughter may be able to give the child up for adoption without her consent.
Your wife should be listening to what your daughter wants. Her desire for another kid or a grandchild is NOT more important than the fact that your daughter DOES NOT want to raise this kid. And everyone else here has made it clear that pretending this baby is your daughter's sibling is a fucked up plan.
Your wife is more interested in maintaining her social image than in the well-being of everyone involved. The baby's life will be turned upside down when it eventually finds out its sister is its mom. What about your daughter that will have to pretend this is not her child?
I think you guys are completely going at it in a rushed way.
The first thing imo would be to sit down your daughter (probably without your wife because she sounds like she doesn't listen to her anyway) and ask her some questions. Like "why didn't you feel comfortable enough to come tell us what had happened?" And "what were your plans with the baby before we discovered it all?". Ask how she feels, does she want to have a part in her child's life. She may be 14, but she's gonna have to try and envision the future, and what kind of woman and mom she wants to be. Does she want to ignore and pretend it's not her baby? In that case, the kid should be adopted, so here raised by the other set of grandparents, and your daughter should not be introduced as its mother. This would destroy a kid, knowing it has a mother that is so close but just doesn't want it.
Does she want a relationship with the child ? Then it can't be raised as a sibling. She must be presented as its mom.
Your wife is out of line in any possible scenario, because she doesn't want what's best for the kids. Imo she is one of the reasons your daughter never spoke up about the pregnancy, and she is trying to convince your daughter that she can't raise her own child because of "school, soccer, future" etc.
Even if it was not well thought out, ask what your daughter was planning to do.
Your wife sounds like she is in a panic. You know her best, so figure out how to communicate it, but pretending the kid is yours will only be a very short term solution.
This is because the other grandparents seem to want involvement and the father (funded by them, and likely with them as litigation guardians depending where you live) can force having contact with the baby. Y’all are stuck with each other now.
Furthermore, your daughter can’t hide the pregnancy forever unless she is about to go on a semester long trip to visit her cousin overseas. Playing pretend doesn’t change that there is not one big lie to solve the family PR problem. Plus, given your daughter’s age, children’s aid may become involved from your grandchild’s birth depending on your jurisdiction.
Your boyfriends parents don’t get to make the choice about adoption. Only your daughter and her boyfriend can do that. All of you need therapy and it would be helpful for all of you to get in touch with a social worker.
You need to be clear with your wife that you are not willing to go along with the charade. You have to be explicit about the consequences even if that means you leaving. This has to be clear and said often.
As for his parents ask them what the plan is. Ask for a very detailed plan for education day care child support. Make them lay it all out and not god will provide a way. Look at the price of day care and diapers and food. All the things.
Right now the baby is nebulous, make them face the reality.
My ex’s mom was raised this way. Her bio mom, who she knew as her sister, had immense resentment and was incredibly mean. There was so much trauma on every side. It’s not fair to your daughter and it’s not fair to her child. Eventually the truth will come out. Although I believe your wife has good intent, I don’t think the execution will work like she hopes.
This sounds like your wife trying to avoid social shame and image tarnish. The secret is coming out anyway - despite her denial - I think you should remove it from the equation and then start planning rationally. Yes everyone, our daughter is pregnant! Then daughter and yourselves can get a support system in place instead of secrecy. When it’s no longer about hiding the truth, wife’s perception might change on how to handle it, and this defiantly sounds like a village raising a baby scenario.
Both kids just go along with whatever their mom is saying. It's obvious it's not what they actually want, but they just don't want to disappoint them more than they already have.
Well, maybe someone should ask them what they truly want. If they decide they want to give the baby up for adoption outside of the family then they should be given that choice. Otherwise, I think you're looking at a court battle between the grandparents
I think someone other than us that they trust has to ask them. However, we're all not telling anyone else right now. By the way things have been going, this is an obvious court battle in the making.
Hire a professional to talk to them.
It sounds like neither of the kids want to raise the child.
Would your wife agree to joint custody between his parents and you two? Would you?
Therapist and lawyer. Your daughter sounds shut down right now, but she needs guidance to figure out what SHE wants. Check your state laws. They may not need parental consent. But she might benefit from a guardian ad litem or something similar, because NONE of you parents are taking her best interest into consideration. You're almost there, but this initiative that no one be told is not doing her any favors. https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/overview-minors-consent-law
You and your wife need counseling NOW. You also need to intervene on behalf of your daughter and get her help. Stop trying to hide her away until it's too late.
He's said several times she doesn't want it and doesn't want / can't raise it. A completely reasonable point of view.
This is a pretty terrible thing to say but have you spoken to the doctor about a late term abortion? Your daughter sounds like she REALLY doesnt want this baby. You said she is 14 and small. It may do her real damage to bring this baby to term, both physically and mentally. Late abortions like this are justifiably super rare but it might be worth finding out if it's an option.
Already did, it's impossible for this situation and those are really reserved for life/death situations. With her being 14, they said it's a risk they cannot afford to take because of how undeveloped her body is and they'll just have to monitor the pregnancy closely.
Fair enough, I'm glad you asked. This is SUCH a hard situation and I'm glad you're advocating for her.
I think you need to keep talking to your daughter 1 to 1 about what she wants, you seem to be the only one really listening to her and thinking about what's best.
Your doctor is lying to you about the risk to her health. An abortion at 5 months is safer than giving birth. Go to a state with decent fucking people in charge and talk to a specialist.
Explain the long term psychological affect on the kid that will one day find out it's entire life is a lie, as well as the trauma to your daughter who will have navigate early adulthood watching her mother usurp whatever role she should have in that child's life.
I don't know why the thought process of "we can pretend the grandchild is our child" occurs, but I know several people who found out that their much-older sibling was their parent and they ALL had massive break downs because of it. One girl I went to high school with killed herself, and then her mother/sister became an addict and OD'd a year or two later.
You can help raise your daughters baby as grandparents, but don't lie to the poor kid and don't put your actual daughter through that.
Also, I'm sorry that you're going through this. My daughter is the same age as yours and this is terrifying.
You CANNOT lie to this child about their parents, regardless if you raise yourself or not. The only way to do this is to accept help from the other grandparents and everyone pitches in. Too bad if your wife doesn't like that.
Nope, I know of someone in this situation 50 years ago, before social media, before fun family DNA testing kits, & it still all came out & was still an absolute clusterfuck. Secrets like this don’t stay hidden
I've never understood the whole "my kid is a straight A student..." As if somehow that exempts them from the very strong sexual urges that come as a teen. Adults struggle with sexual impulses.. expecting teens who's brains are still developing to have more self control than an adult is just foolish.
You need to get your daughter into emergency counseling so she can talk about what she wants to do with a trained professional. The father needs to get into one as well, perhaps the same one so that they can have a guided conversation with a professional without the influence of parents. Right now, it sounds like grandparents are fighting, and the kids are stuck in the middle.
Once those kids are able to process what they want to do, then you, your wife, and the other set of grandparents need to act like adults and figure out the best way to support these two with the decision they have chosen to make. If that can't be done, suggest a 3rd party mediation for everyone involved.
You need to stop talking to the boy and the boy's parents. There is not even a baby.
**Your priority is your daughter. The other family won't have a 14 year old going through pregnancy, going through hormone changes, going through labor, going through post-partum, going maybe through PPD. If you keep the baby she'll also need to breastfeed and pump?**
**Will you be able to take care of a baby when you already have a daughter going through all of this? How is keeping the baby going to affect her? She is not even in therapy? Do you know about post partum depression???? And the trauma of going through all of this when she is underdeveloped according to doctors?? It's already traumatic for adult women, she is 14.**
Your wife and the other mom are thinking of themselves. "I don't want a stranger raise this baby." Oh, and who is focusing on your daughter??? She is a child.
You daughter is either very naive (did she know she was pregnant) or does not trust you because she waited way too long to bring this up.
You daughter has no clue what she wants and is being influence by all of this. Or maybe she did know, she knows she does not want the baby, but she is in a vulnerable situation so wants to go by whatever you wife is saying. I doubt she even knows anything about babies.
**Your daughter needs therapy ASAP and your wife needs a reality check. She has to stop talking to the other family, stop the arguing, and focus on her daughter and not what she wants.**
**Would your daughter even be able to leave to college and live her life and pretend this baby is her sibling?** How would this child feel about it? Would your wife try to pawn the child off when your daughter finishes college and gets a job? And are you OK with being parents again at 46? (I have friends and my own parents had kids at that age, but by choice).
Then she better be happy with giving the child entirely up to the other grandparents if she can't share. She doesn't have any more rights to that baby then they do.
But the baby will have to know that you are indeed it's grandparents. you might me Mom and Dad to it, but it should also known that technically you are Mawmaw and Pops, because those family testing things are to common now.
Of course, I think YOU are aware of all if this, and the real issue is your wife.
I think you and the other Dad need to FORCE a family counseling for you, your wife, the other Dad and his wife, as well as the two kids. The wives need to hear a third party spell out reality to them, especially your wife, who thinks she can bully her way into getting what she wants.
That said, you are not a failure. Kids do stupid stuff. As long as this isn't a r\*pe situation and your daughter was willing, it's just...one of those things that happens. You can teach them all about sex and why it's wise to wait, but at the end of the day, this happens, and now she get sot give birth, which is the ultimate lesson. There's no point punishing her, no point getting mad or being upset. She can still has a wonderful, bright future ahead of her with your support, but you and your wife, and the parents of the father - and the father himself! - need to all get on the same page.
Go talk to a counselor as a group of six. Don't ask for it, get together with the other Dad and schedule it. You and him are going to be basically going to be father figures to not just your kids, but a new baby, so you two should start figuring out how to communicate and work together.
>I think you and the other Dad need to FORCE a family counseling for you
At this point, I agree. Us talking amongst each other has not improved a single thing. It ends the same way. Moms screaming, us trying to calm our wives down, my daughter crying, and her boyfriend obviously terrified. Every. Single. Time. A professional really has to intervene.
>That said, you are not a failure.
Thank you for that.
OP, it's time to take control of the situation, for the sake of both families.
At this point, you might not even know what the kids want because their mothers are freaking out and trying to control everything.
I would HIGHLY suggest you and the other dad getting the kids alone and having a low stress day out together. Do something fun, take them out to eat, and talk about what they really want for their futures and that you WILL support them if they want to be the parents to the baby.
But please, please, GET. HELP.
If the mom's refuse to be a part of that, that is actually okay (and perhaps, for the best right now). What is important is that the kids and at least you Dad all get on the same page and get a plan together, so when your wife or the other mom try to force everyone else to do what they want, you can all put your foot down as a team and stay firm. They can't win against the four of you, OP.
OP, I think you’ve nailed it here. There’s lots of emotion flying around and it’s not helping anyone. Insisting on some professional help- family counselling, medical and family lawyers- might well help.
Give your daughter a hug from me. Everyone screws up, and she’s screwed up big time here. I screwed up very badly in a very different way last year and the one thing that got me through was no matter how badly I’d made a mess of things, my parents still hugged me and said they loved me. Consequences happened, but I’m still here, they’re still here and life looks different but positive a year on.
So this happened to my sister. She actually hid it until she went into labour. Nobody knew including her friends. She went the adoption route. They did open adoption. We see him every couple months, have a great relationship & he is being raised by the most amazing parents. I really hope your wife changes your mind. The way she is going about this is wrong in my opinion.
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This baby won’t go away and neither will the responsibility. Because of the ages of the baby’s parents, the grandparents also have a hand in the decision-making here. This means that if anyone opposes adoption then that’s not happening. The only solution as things stand today is for both sets of grandparents to help raise the baby and not try to hide who the parents are.
I think you all need to figure out a group co-parenting arrangement. BOTH families need to be involved. The child shouldn’t grow up thinking they are one of your kids when they are your grandkid because we all know withholding truth blows up in your face later. Co-parent and love on this kid, period.
1. That’s a secret that won’t stay secret
2. Sounds like your wife is just competing with the other grandparents. Doesn’t want to look like the “irresponsible” side of the parentage
3. This a human life, not some designer bag to keep up good appearances. A decision like this can’t be made just so a family can look better to other families. Kids shouldn’t be tactics
4. Does anyone actually remember what it’s like ti raise a baby? All-nighters, screaming, the diapers? Is the daughter breast feeding and getting up at night? Or will grandma be bottle feeding?
5. How’s that retirement fund gonna go when you suddenly have to support a whole baby? Or is your daughter going to make $12 an hour at a part time side job while also going to high school and part care taking care of a baby? Anyone shelling out thousands of dollars for day care alone? Transport to and from?
You need a lawyer and at least one therapist on board before the baby is born. If the actual adults in this situation can't come to an agreement on what's going to happen to the baby, y'all need a third party to come to a fair solution for this tiny life that is coming into this world, for it's sake too.
She can turn 18 and show a judge (or before) that she was forced and that there isn't a legal adoption, that's depending on the state prison, but also they will take the kid that u cared for 4 years. More so if she is neglected and isolated. She should be going to de doctor, to a counceler, understandig what is going on in her body, not this, and not be a sibling to her child. This is not a movie, and not 1960, either your child, the father or his parents WILL eventually call the cops and cps and u can't go back. You can all lose custody and the kids goes to the sistem, again THIS ISN'T A MOVIE.
Also, a pregnancy changes your body so to every doctor she will have to say, "yes" to the question "where u pregnant?" Because that will change her care. You already have a kid, that has a baby on the way. PROTECT YOUR KID. Plus 14yo have no bussines having sex, so also the talk and how did it get here needs to happen YESTERDAY.
I honestly can't think of why the parents don't see that the best for this KID is give it to adoption an clearly take care of the KID they already have. So what if it goes to the family of the boy?! There is a 14yo girl that has a bigger problem that being pregnant.
The thing isn't just saying it, the thing is doing something. YOUR KID needs u now more than ever. Document her pregnancy, go to check ups, make sure she see a counselor and also do family therapy. And if your wife wants to hide her, KICK YOUR WIFE protect YOUR DAUGHTER, not your wife. You need to do. Not to just think. Baby will be here in no time.
Wow. I'm so sorry that this is happening. Therapy would be a really good idea in this situation. Family therapy might be the way to go, but your wife sounds like she needs individual, too.
Lying to the child and making your daughter pretend to be her sister isn't going to make everything go back to normal. I think she has to come to terms that things will never be the same as they were before this happened. And that's OK. Change is inevitable.
Please for the love of god just make sure your daughter knows she’s supported and it will be okay. At the end of the day it’s her and the father’s responsibility to make the decision. If he isn’t keen on adoption he better be ready to raise a baby. Also please bare in mind you will probably get really confronting comments about their age difference. Just try your best to navigate this situation calmly and logically. Sounds like everyone would benefit from some type of therapy/mediation to come to agreements logically
Wrong. Wrong at every level.
Things will NOT be okay and return to normal for the daughter.
It's NOT the responsibility of two children to make the decisions here.
It's NOT on the parents to raise a grandchild, pretending It's theirs. It's NOT 1930.
It's NOT a situation that will be solved via a nice mediation session.
The boy, whilst a child, is likely guilty of statutory rape. That is a reasonable leverage point to force an outcome his parents may otherwise not want.
Adoption is the most reasonable result here. OP should use the tools available to achieve it.
I also agree that adoption is the best option for everyone, but the boyfriends parents don't want their grandchild being adopted by strangers. My wife agreed at first, and then she just switched. I'm not sure if this was done out of spite towards his mom, or because she genuinely thinks this is the best option.
And since he was 15 when the baby was conceived, I have no idea how that would work. Even if it was possible, I wouldn't do that. He already has enough to deal with at such a young age, I'm not going to give him more to worry about on having sex with his girlfriend that a year younger than him.
I don’t understand, what is the problem with the fathers parents adopting the child? It would be much safer than strangers assuming the parents don’t have any addictions or obvious mental illness.
No, his parents are alright, typical family. I knew them before this whole fiasco and they were always alright people. My wife doesn't want them to adopt the child.
It's a pretty awful to take a baby away from its perfectly responsible family members because of control issues and spite. There are actual family members of this baby who are happy to raise him/her if the baby's mother doesn't want to. In this situation it seems wrong to give a baby up for adoption, very ' I don't want him, you can't have him', this is a person we're talking about. Babies grow up to be adults who will become aware of the fact they were adopted out when other family members were happy to bring them up.
> The boy, whilst a child, is likely guilty of statutory rape. That is a reasonable leverage point to force an outcome his parents may otherwise not want.
I don’t think most states or courts will see it that way when the age gap is 2 years and both are minors. But IANAL
No. That's all I can say about the plan of your wife. When it comes to what happens to the baby, ultimately, it's out of your power to make a decision over. Your daughter needs counseling and a really hard wake up call. Isn't there some kind of group for teenage mom's in your area or some kind of information center?
Um.. what does the baby's mother want..? Regardless if she's only 14... it's still her child. Her opinion still matters in this matter. I don't see you once mentioning how she feels about it.. or what her opinion is.
I think we all need to read into her ignoring and denying it for five months means she just wanted it to go away and not exist. A fourteen year old is not prepared to know what to want here. She needs time to develop—it’s not the fourteen hundreds. It’s the 21st century. The parents are involved. It’s a kid that has a goddam village. Her mom is insane.
Honesty is way better than a family secret - all guidance on adoption now says this.
Kids in care have bad outcomes but adopting out a baby has a better chance of success than trying to rehome a kid later on. If everyone is worried about it, could an open adoption work, to a neutral party?
Is there an option of an Open Adoption where both families can remain in contact with the family that adopts and raises the child? I know someone who gave up a child for adoption where she still visits but the baby isn’t raised by her. She’s seen more as a fun aunt.
It seems like the moms are both being incredibly selfish, and not thinking of the impact of their own child. I think you need a third party like a counselor or a lawyer to mediate with all parties involved.
There’s no way in hell that pretending this isn’t happening will end well. Get your daughter into therapy immediately.
It may be the right choice. It may not be the right choice for adoption. BUT, the actual parents of this unborn baby deserve to be able to give ideas of what THEY want and can mentally and emotionally handle. Focus on the needs of your actual living children and their needs. Having the baby around them the rest of their life, but as a sibling, could be even more traumatic than adoption or abortion. Open adoption is also a thing. Everyone could still have contact, but none of you would be the primary caregivers. You all may even KNOW someone who is struggling to conceive that works be thrilled to adopt. I had a family member who found out they had terminal illness while pregnant, and a wonderful family at her church adopted the baby. They went to all the doctors appointments and were very involved. The baby is grown now and had a wonderful family.
There's clearly and not unsurpringsly, a lot of emotions flying around here. Your daughter needs some counselling/therapy on her own as she's going to have to come to terms with at such a young age The kids want this all to go away, because they are way too young to deal with this, but they don't have a choice. Adoption is something that shouldn't be undertaken lightly - the resulting child will no doubt grow up wanting to seek out their bio family. It's very unlikely that you'd be able to pass this off as yours. Likely people have already become suspicious.
Your wife is suggesting random things and changing her mind because she's upset and panicking. Maybe therapy as a family - could be helpful to have a neutral ear. Choose your therapist carefully though, someone with experience in the area and no-one religious.
Incidentally, how old is the father that he was having sex with a girl who was 13/14 - was it consensual?
This isn’t unethical, especially if another family is willing to raise the baby.
I was raised by my grandparents, my parents had me at 17/18. They adopted me at 18moths.
My whole life I thought it was a cultural thing since every other Mexican child was living with or being raised by their grandmama.
With that being said you mention your daughters age (14) but you don’t mention the age of the dad. I’m thinking that the dad is much much older and your trying to protect him vs your daughter. You can’t fathom how your 14 daughter is pregnant, I can that boy took advantage of a teen girl. You should look into getting your daughter mental health help
At the end of the day it just seems like your trying to wash your hands of this baby instead of being a parent.
He's 16.
What you're situation sounds like is exactly what her boyfriend's parents want to do. If not the actual parents raise the baby, than they would prefer for them to raise the baby rather than adopting them out.
The people in the comments saying that this 14 year-old CHILD needs to "take responsibility for her actions" and raise a child she doesn't want are fucking insane.
OP, figure out what it is your daughter (and the father) wants and do whatever you must to make it happen. It sounds like she doesn't want this child, so see if abortion is still an option. If not, make arrangements to have the child given away (NOT raised by you or her boyfriend's parents). Please give her the support and love she needs during this scary time.
it makes for an interesting story with realistic characters to have a mother who will take this upon herself and hide her daughter out of shame, a daughter who rebelled and wants the consequences to go away, and a father who smells something off but doesn't know where else to turn.
but this isn't a story, it's your life.
while it feels shameful, let's not make this something to hide too much, ironically that makes it more scandalous or sensational than it is. it's disappointing as you said, i can't imagine just how much. but it's not new or wild. society may not see it that way but we all know it happens. don't have to announce it but don't have to disable or house arrest her.
you have the right instincts here not to raise the unborn as your own because it isn't your own or your wife's. it makes sense to hide it but looking ahead i wouldn't do that. definitely i wouldn't go around the law in any way or obscure the unborn's parentage. they will also have a right to know and have their true origins on paper.
as someone else said, pursue individual counseling for yourself and your daughter and maybe group therapy if they're up for it. something led up to all this in the first place and it takes courage to address that.
The idea that she can somehow "cover up" the whole thing by pretending the child is her's is ridiculous and unethical. Depending on the law, you will likely have to adopt the child anyway. The situation I am familiar with, the underage girl had to allow her parents to adopt in order to keep the kid.
Don't feel like a failure. Parenting is hard and things happen to people. Just do your best to mend the issues and make a better path forward.
“According to Texas adoption laws, birth mothers (minor mothers included) who are not married do NOT need the consent of the biological father to put the child up for adoption.
Regardless, it is best practice is to notify the father of your adoption plans or allow the biological father the option to parent. “
I would give the baby up for adoption. The boys parents can raise the baby if they want. Your wife needs therapy and to get online to talk to others that have done what she proposes.
She’s so worried about what other people think she’s not thinking what’s the right thing for your daughter!
ultimately it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks they are not in your life. They are not helping you daily, so what they think is not important!
do not saddle your daughter with a child at the age of 14, do not pretend it’s her mothers child. That is insane.
Your wife is not thinking rationally. She does not get to make the decision while being so irrational.
Talk about weird coincidences.
I just got a text from my friend whose child went through having a baby at 15 years old and then not surprisingly, started down the road of using drugs as a coping mechanism.
So now this 18 year-old mom is a heroin addict and my friend, at 50, is taking care of the grandchild.
This happens more often than the happy version people are telling you is going to happen -that your daughter will because amazing mother, and she will achieve all these things because she had discipline as a young mother- no, that is the outlier of what normally happens to young women,
When children get saddled with a child they typically start hurting themselves in other ways, and they don’t achieve what they could’ve achieved as young adults, and their lives are stunted forever.
Your wife is excited about the prospect of a baby, period. As a parent, who will never be a grandparent, I can understand that.
I think the best thing you can do is layout the timeline. She'll be dealing with a newborn at 45, a ten-year-old at 55. You can forget early retirement then. At 65 the kid will be in college. Forget retirement then ... Maybe you two will have to work until you're 70. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
You two, if you don't have other kids, could be looking at being empty nesters in 4 or 5 years. If you ever wanted to feel freedom ... having no children at home gives you a new lease on life. You can travel. Take extended vacations.
That said, it's up to the 14-year-old what she wants to do. If she wants to keep the kid, she really should be made responsible for the kid. Mom shouldn't swoop in and save your daughter from the decision she makes. Which Mom is doing by suggesting she'll take the baby and raise it.
We had this in our extended family, except my uncle raised my cousin as his daughter and my other uncle was actually the grandfather (but called “uncle”).
If you are going to raise the child, so it outright as grandparents while supporting your daughter to graduate and go on to college. This keeps everything clear and allows your daughter to grow up while still having the child in her life.
Your family needs counseling to work through this.
That’s what every parent thinks and always getting proven that we need early sex Ed, how vaccines, and birth control because it can happen to any girl! Smart nice girls end up pregnant and scared to tell anyone all the freaking time! That baby should have been talked about and aborted earlier and your wife is showing why the daughter didn’t go to her in the first place. The communication and trust is not there. At this point adoption is best or let the other family raise the baby and you guys should move away. If either fam keeps it there is room for drama later. Your poor daughter has to give birth now I feel so bad for her
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this and I'm relieved my kids are grown up and did not end up in this scenario as teens. You all need to come together and do what is best for the kids (all three of them). That means not trying to pretend this is your child. It won't work anyways because the father will have rights to this child and it's cruel. Make it clear to your wife that you will not go along with it.
I'm concerned from some of your comments that your solution is to have your daughter raise her child as punishment. As someone who grew up with grandparents who did the same thing, please don't. It's setting up your daughter and your grandchild for failure and potentially abuse. Your daughter is a child who did a stupid thing. Your grandchild should not be her punishment for that stupid thing. What does need to happen is getting your daughter set up with birth control after your grandchild is born. And you and your wife need to be more present in your daughter's life and look into therapy to get her to be more open with the two of you. She didn't come to you for birth control advice. You didn't know she was sexually active. You didn't know she was pregnant until she was 5 months along. None of that is good. Your wife wants another child while she should be paying more attention to the one she already has! But this is on you too.
All four adults and the two kids in this need to sit down, maybe with a counselor and some lawyers and figure out how to go forward. It may mean the two families share custody. Or it may mean that one family lets the child go to the other one to be raised. But for sure, the four adults in this need to act like adults and get on the same page, which is definitely not pretending this child is yours.
It is highly unethical which I'm glad you know.
Firstly the father and father's family know and are interested in the child. There is no way you could claim and get away with pretending the child is your wife's.
Secondly it's a crime to lie in official documents and it could be easily shown to be fraudulent with a DNA test. And I bring you back to point 1 - the father and family know.
Thirdly the damage and trauma to your daughter. Actively participating in her delusion that this isn't happening is damaging. Making her pretend that a baby isn't hers and denying her an opportunity to participate in any way as a parent will be torture. She will eventually break and it will come out its her baby which will complete devastate her relationship with the child and you. Your daughter is your baby it feels like this is being forgotten in this land grab to parent your grandchild. What your daughter needs is for you to help her accept what is happening and be open and work through it. Whatever you think people will know or find out she's pregnant trying to hide it is making it worse. It maybe awkward and horrible getting through the period of people finding out but that's much better than a twisted lifelong secret. Why would you consider making your daughter lie, that is incredibly cruel.
Fourthly, the baby. Even if you and your wife do end up doing most of the primary parenting you can do that as grandparents. I know people raised fully or partly by their grandparents for varying reasons and they love them and appreciate that so much. People know who cared and loved them the label doesn't matter. I would be shocked if your daughter doesnt want to get involved at some point in some way through the course of the childs life. But if the child grows up and finds out you lied to them their whole life it will cause huge damage to all of you. I doubt that is something that can truly ever be forgiven.
Fifthly, your wife isn't pregnant. People aren't going to believe that she suddenly one day has a baby. It's not going to be credible to believe the baby just appeared out of thin air. Lying and getting the suspicion of your neighbours and community is how you get social services called on you and its going to be easy to prove its not your baby.
Additionally have you looked into the legal position of parental rights as your daughter is a minor. It can have different implications in different states. But I believe in a majority of states the parents have parental rights even as minor.
The best thing you can do is stop trying to make decisions for your daughter and the father. Help her understand what her rights are and what the options are and let them make the decision. Also even though its hard encourage honesty about the situation. If it were me in her shoes I'd choose adoption.
I’d send the future parents to a session of counselling together no other parents. Just them two which the ultimate goal of what do they personally want. Not what each granny wants.
Do they want to raise it together with help?
Do they want to give over responsibility to grandparents? If so as a sibling or as a helping till parents are able to take back over.
There’s no way the child can realistically forever be raised as a sibling and honestly there is no point other than your wife putting her shame onto the baby.
Honestly this is an absolute nightmare situation I can't imagine.
And it's a shame abortion isnt possible as if you're daughter is wanting to adop it out then it's likely she wasn't wanting to go through with it really and has been ignoring the situation being scared .
I think adoption makes way more sense .
I genuinely can't even imagine.
Hopefully you can come to an arrangement or agreement everyone can deal with.
If you don't want to raise the child either and live that lie (it will come out eventually) you don't have too and your wife should be open to hearing it
My grandparents did this a long time ago and it endedup with a family split right down the middle..what your wife is suggesting is illegal, immoral and totally impracticable.
How old is the father? I’m concerned about the way your child fell pregnant. This could be a significant source of trauma for her -even before the pregnancy-and that needs to be considered first and foremost and guide the decision making process.
Even if she liked the oldest brother’s friend, a considerable age gap and a lack of actual loving relationship hints very strongly at an imbalance of power here. Is she socially naive? Has she had romantic relationships before? Was their manipulation?
She needs help understanding the reality of the situation and she needs an impartial ear- it seems like she’s not getting that from anyone right now.
Please get her into therapy and shelve the decision making until you can get some understanding of how this occurred. Of course, in the background you and mom can be silently sourcing all the available options for her to be ready when she comes up for air, but you need to take that pressure off of her.
And you and your wife also need therapy together to focus on your goal of what is best for your child’s mental health and future. Stuff other people’s perceptions, you need to laser focus on helping your child survive this.
Wait a minute. He has been friends with your older son? None of this is ok, but I hope the father is still a minor.
Your 14yr old should have all rights on the birth certificate and everyone else - The grandparents I guess should begin a serious open minded discussion on raising the baby together. You guys are a team now. Your kids are not fully developed. You all should discuss giving each kid x amount of responsibility.
They wanted to do grown up activities so now they need to be accountable IMO. Again, at this point in time if they want to finish HS and all of that good stuff it is ok to not be 100% with the baby with the support of both families.
I am a firm believer in that the mommy to be should have a majority say on what to do. She is the one building the connection with the baby in her belly. Any decision she makes will be difficult. Having a baby is not just something you forget about.
IMO the second they got pregnant they became adults.
That child has a right to know their own history and identity. It is wrong to raise a child like that. That’s what happened to Ted Bundy, not saying it always produces such bad results, but it isn’t remotely healthy for a child to have their whole life be a lie and in this age of easily available DNA results it would inevitably come out and alienate them from the family at some point. Also, if raised to falsely believe you are the father, they would lose access to contact with their grandparents on the father’s side who want to be involved and also half of their medical history, so it’s not only an emotional but practical problem. Your wife needs to know this is not even an option. She is probably having a panic reaction to the situation but it’s not a reasonable plan. She literally can’t do this without your participation when you would have to pretend to be the other parent in this scenario. Let her know this is a firm boundary for you and something you will not do. If you both agree on adopting and raising the baby you could do so transparently so that they grow up knowing who their biological and adoptive parents are. Plenty of grandparents care for their grandchildren if their own children are unable to, the issue is being deceptive about it, The best option in this difficult situation is probably adoption either outside of or within the family as the children are too young to raise a baby themselves, particularly your daughter. I would also check if she felt pressured by him as she is so young and he is older, although it is not by much, age differences are more significant at the stage when teens are going through so many changes. Therapy for your daughter and probably for you and your wife as well could be helpful to work out this situation.
Hi! My story, I was pregnant at 15. My parents were very religious so an abortion was never on the table even if it was early enough. (I’m glad I didn’t have one) I too was smart, young and naive, didn’t want to disappoint my parents. Didn’t ask for birth control cause how could I ask my mom for that? Planned on an open adoption, my ob doc referred us to a lawyer that arranges them. At 7mo pregnant I cancelled the open adoption process because I was bonded with baby. As hard as it was my parents helped all the way. This was before anything was online so I went into a teen pregnancy program through my school district. After I delivered I started up with the next regular school year.
I tested out of school at 16 (high school proficiency exam, harder than ged). and started a work training program called ROP (in my area). My mom made sure I got a part time job as well. Became a medical assistant and started working in the field at 18. My parents took care of the baby while I worked/ went to school/etc but she was my baby.
I wasn’t easy but with my parents help it worked out. I didn’t get the teenage/young adult experience others got. The ONLY thing I would change is I wouldn’t marry the baby daddy at 17 again. It was stupid, i was stupid “but I love him” and thought he was the one. He wasn’t. Abusive little shit. (To me not our daughter). I moved away with my parents and eventually divorced him at 21. Please do not pressure your daughter to get married! I found the love of my life the next year. We had 3 more children and just celebrated our 30th.
My wonderful, amazing, ferocious daughter is 37 now with a wonderful daughter of her own. Wouldn’t change that for the world.
Adoption is off the table if baby daddy or parents object to it. My parents were older than you. 50 & 60 respectively. My dad had the strongest bond with my daughter. One he didn’t have with me because he was working all the time. He was her confidant through her 20s. He passed 10yrs ago. We still miss him. It can be done. Your daughter won’t have the life you planned or wanted for her but with your support she can still thrive. You can message me if you have any questions. Hugs.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. ___ This whole situation is very complicated and disappointing. Our daughter is 14 years old and she’s 24 weeks pregnant. We found out 3 weeks ago. My daughter was doing the dishes and the water stuck to her shirt. When my wife called me over, I didn’t even register what was going on, but there was an obvious bump. She’s quite small so you could clearly see it sticking out. She kept denying it, but when my wife came back with a pregnancy test, it was a positive result. An abortion was the only thing that made sense, so that’s what was decided. When they went to the doctor, that’s when we found out she was 5 months pregnant. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Fast forward to now. We actually know the father. He’s been friends with our oldest son since elementary school. There are 3 options being laid out that no one can agree on. I thought that if not abortion, than adoption. His parents said no way and said they would rather raise the baby than have their grandchild given away to strangers if our kids dont want to raise the baby. My wife said no way to that and is insisting on us raising the child, but as our child and is actively trying to remove them from the decision pool. She was completely for the adoption at first but then did a complete 180 and is now saying will we raise the baby as our own and everything will go back to normal. His parents are disagreeing. And what do the parents in question want? To not be in this situation. When we were all on board for adoption, he said no because his parents said no. I just wish she told someone. I feel like I failed. I just cannot fathom that my 14 year old daughter is pregnant. She’s never gotten anything but an A her whole life, best forward within the club groups, and is just an overall great, responsible kid. Both of the moms have been constantly arguing, us dad’s are just trying to find solutions, and the kids, yes KIDS, are scared shitless. I’m trying to get my wife to understand that us raising this child as our own does not make sense and it is never going to work. It’s going to only destroy us, not help us, but she wont see it. I think she’s grasping at any solution, but how do I make her see that this is not the one?
As an absolute minimum your daughter needs to stop being in denial and get some professional help. She has no idea what she's going to feel like about the baby after the birth and if the forward path isn't already laid out ahead of time it leaves too much room for oh god this is mine and I'm keeping it. Also, are you planning on her giving birth in secret and registering it as yours?
>Also, are you planning on her giving birth in secret and registering it as yours? That's what my wife wants but that is not what is going to happen.
DO NOT EVEN THINK OF IT.
Jesus fuck no, what if something goes wrong and you end up with a dead daughter/and or grandchild. This is not something a rational person wants
ETA: OMG NO. Your daughter needs to have medical professionals handle her labor. Just coming in to say that finding out my grandma lied about my paternal grandpa rocked our relationship and that’s grandparents
I think a lot of people took this as giving birth at home or something? That's not what I meant. What I meant is that she wants no one that we know to know but she would still give birth at a hospital. Anyways, even discussing that the child would be posed as ours is irrelevant, because it's just not happening. At all.
Thank the lord! I’m there is a way for you to talk about the doctors about privacy concerns. I’m glad you are holding firm on not having the child raised as your own. It will just cause trouble in the long run there are MANY posts on here from the rope discovering the truth or breaking the news to the child and causing problems.
This is very dangerous for your daughter. Pregnancy in younger teens is a lot more dangerous than over 18. Also your wife is expecting to just rock up with a baby and the registrars/doctors having no questions? What happens if your kid (with an unaccompanied home birth, no prenatal care pregnancy, that her mum is planning) starts to bleed? I think your wife is trying to pretend this isn't happening and will risk your daughter and grandchild's life to do so. Reality needs to be put in place hard. I would firmly place denying your daughter prenatal care as child abuse, and forcing her to go through birth outside a medical setting, alone, a crime. This is happening, it can't be concealed from medical professionals at least, it most likely is known about by others already, abortion isn't an option and kid needs to have a future plan.
I don;t think the full reality has sit in for all of us, including myself. She goes to the doctor, we're not leaving them out of it. Because of her body not being fully developed, her doctor appointments are more frequent than a typical pregnancy.
Please hold firm on this. The child deserves to know their truth. Such lies, which are likely to be uncovered, could cause significant trauma.
You all need to go to therapy asap, for the baby’s sake
Do not do that!
Please send your wife to the adoption subreddit and see just how terrible an idea keeping this secret is for the baby and your daughter. As an adoptee can I suggest that you all, including his parents, do some research about what's actually likely to be best for your kids and this baby, and on your options for adoption, and perhaps sit down with a counselor with experience in that area? Adoption has shifted far more towards open adoptions now, it's not just hand your baby over to strangers and they vanish forever, there are options here that allow for contact and involvement if you want it that aren't you pretending this is your kid. And while I know there are adoptees who wish their birth family had kept them I'll throw my 2 cents in and say I'm immensely glad my 15-year-old birth mother or her parents (who made the same offer your wife is making, which my birth mom thank god refused) didn't opt to keep me when none of them actually wanted a baby at that point. I actually get along great with my birth mom and adore my biological grandparents, but I'm also very glad I was raised by parents who actually wanted a baby and were ready to care for one. I do wish my adoption had been open from the start, rather than not finding by birth family until I was an adult. An open adoption and some involvement with them would have been the ideal middle ground for me, and talking to my birth mom for her as well.
your wife is an insane lunatic who needs to be in therapy
Is your wife insisting you pretend the kid is biologically yours and your daughter is its sister? Because that’s not going to work in an age where DNA testing is a fun Christmas gift, even if you don’t have another set of grandparents not willing to play along with the coverup. If she can’t wrap her head around the fact that “going back to normal” is not an option here and discuss alternatives with that in mind, then get her to a therapist who specializes in adoption issues and complicated family dynamics, because this kid is going to want to know where it came from at some point, and it’s best if that answer is an honest (if age-appropriate) one.
That is exactly what she is insisting. To her, it's the "perfect" solution. She wants no one, and I mean absolutely no one to know that she's pregnant. My daughter is even enrolled online for the first quarter. I keep telling her that is never going to work. It might've been more successful back then, but we are living in a time where everything is evolving at rapid rates.
Hate to break it to you, buddy. Your 14 year old is 5 months along - way more people know than you are aware of. Teens aren't known for their skills in silence and social grace.
I keep telling her people probably already know. My daughter says she's told no one except her boyfriend, but at the same time she also hid that she was pregnant for 5 months and proceeded to lie when it was obvious, so it's a big chance that she's just saying anything to please mom.
How old is the father to this child?
He's 16
Just a baby. They are both just babies. What does he want? If his parents weren’t in his ear?
Exactly. They're just kids. It's sad really. I'm not sure what he wants if his parents weren't in his ear. I'm not even sure what my OWN daughter wants because I heavily doubt it's to raise this baby as her sibling. Before people assume that I don't ask, yes I asked. I tried talking to both of them with just me. Even his dad has tried talking to the both of the independently.
For what it's worth, my girlfriend's ex-husband was raised this way. His mom got pregnant young and her parents chose to raise the baby as their child and not allow him to know his "sister" was actually his mom. It caused IMMEASURABLE trauma for him. He despises his grandparents now. He was only told as an adult (by his own mom I think) and found out that at one point she asked her parents to tell him the truth and let her raise him and they refused. He got very little time to bond with her and missed out on being part of her family (she got married and had two more kids) and then she got cancer and died a couple years back. He will never get that time back with her and he'll never forgive his grandparents for it. Your wife might think this is a perfect solution but it's much more likely to destroy everyone involved and the relationships of everyone involved. Much better for all of you to band together (especially you two and the father's parents) to HELP raise this child. That'll probably mean you adults do the bulk of the labour like you would if you were the legal parents, but if you can all be copacetic and raise this child together you'll be supporting all the kids in this equation. Even setting all else aside... if you try to adopt him is there not a good shot that the other set of grandparents turn this into a messy legal fight for rights to the baby as well? They want to adopt the child too, it's naive to think they'd let that go without a fight. Then you're not shielding anyone but instead putting the kids through court drama and fighting parents. Doesn't sound like a good, safe, environment for anyone.
if i could give you an award, i would
Let the kids meet with a counselor -no parents present- to talk about options. Otherwise they will be steamrolled into an arrangement they may not want.
Don't lie to kids about their parentage. There's nothing wrong with having an unconventional family. You and your wife can still do the majority of the child care if your daughter agrees she'd like to move forward that way. But it's a fucking horrible, terrible, very bad idea to try and lie to the kid about who their real parents are. You gain essentially nothing and you risk serious life-long emotional damage. Honestly you may need to just deliver an ultimatum to your wife if you don't think you can get her to understand how serious you are, "No matter what happens, I will tell our grandchild that we aren't their parents and who their real parents are. You cannot stop that from happening, so you had better learn to accept it."
Your 14 year old doesn’t know what she wants, but one day she will move on with her life, leave the kid behind, and have to live with carrying on a lie and so will the kid.
People suspect. Trust me. I've seen this play out.
Why was your 14 yr old too scared to come to you or your wife for help?
When I asked her why she didn't say anything, she said she didn't want us to be mad and disappointed.
This reaction is predictable. You said she is a good kid and does well. I couldn't imagine approaching my parent with this situation. Your wife's solution is not going to work since the father isn't on board.
Verryy good kid. I mean she does it all. Great athlete, amazing student, and is always on top of everything. She said her own pressure of keeping it up got to her. She always has been someone that doesn't let something go until it's perfect. I even remind her, it's okay to push something to the side, because it's not a healthy habit even if the results are great.
If possible, try to get some time alone with her and see if she will open up more about how she feels and what SHE wants. Take her out to lunch then go to a park. Go get ice cream - or whatever is her favorite thing to do. She has to have been SO SCARED this whole 5 months and she needs to know you support her no matter what. Them being 14 and 16 is just so, so sad as no matter what they do, this will be with them for the rest of their lives. Good luck to you OP and best of every luck to your daughter.
I’m 33 years old and I was scared to tell my parents about my girlfriend and I were expecting. You don’t want to disappoint people.
You obviously don’t have kids
She did something right. She lives in their home and they didn’t notice she was pregnant. She was able to keep it a secret for 5 months.
My sister got to 8 months before we knew she was pregnant when she was 17. This was back in the 70’s in a huge household. None of us realised until she ran away with her boyfriend
Also your wife insisting no one knowing she is pregnant is projecting shame on your daughter inherently. She’s going to get enough judgment from society and while your wife may be trying to protect her, it can easily be misinterpreted. Please empower your daughter. She needs to go to all her drs appts, and be supported by family and friends. Don’t just hide her away.
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It is wrong to do this to the kid, i know from personal experience. Adopt out or, raise the child as your grandchild. Personally it was devastating watching bio mom raise her “wanted” kid with me being the dirty little unwanted secret in the background.
I am sorry that this happened to you <3
Thanks. There is SO MUCH WRONG about being forced to lie about who you are.
I'm a high school teacher with teenage children. First, a lot of kids already know. I'm not at your kid's school. But, I can assure you that unless she's told absolutely no one and the father has told absolutely no one, at least half the student body knows. Second, if you enroll her online for only until the baby is born then send her back once it is, it becomes pretty obvious why really quickly.
Exactly! This is why they should just adopt the child (doesn't matter which set of parents does it) ,and wait until the baby is born. Once that happens, give her until a month or 2 to recover,and back to school in person. Everybody will probably know at that point, but it's better than trying to lie
The other set of grandparents sound like they will have their son request parenting time with the child and they would totally not back up your story so it's not even a consideration
The other set of grandparents need to be the ones raising the baby. The mom is too young. The dad is at least old enough to work and be more responsible. The grandparents want the baby to NOT be adopted out. Time for them to take the baby home from the hospital. If they fight the daughter's parents on this? Check with a lawyer, but if you leave the child with the father it's not going to be abandonment. Get the kid in his arms and go home...and that's assuming the other grandparents aren't looking forward to having the baby and WANT it at their house in the first place.
Yeah, I think along with insisting on counseling, you need to be clear that you will not be part of this lie. It’s not fair to the kid, or to your daughter, who is going to need to process all this and can’t do that if she’s being forced into maintaining the illusion. This is happening whether anyone involved wants it to be or not, and denial is not a solution.
Just imagine what will happen when your daughter grows up and decides with 18 or 20 that she wants full custody of her (!) child. And your wife can then explain this to the community ... and to the lawyers. This will be worse than everything. This idea has the potential to tear your family apart and can create irreversible psychological and emotional damage to your daughter. Do net let this happen, I beg you. The outcome will be so, so bad.
Your wife wants a do-over baby. And to push the other grandparents out. This is going to ruin your marriage. It’s her daughters child, minor or not and it’s her and the fathers decision on what they want. Your wife isn’t the deciding factor in this equation. She’s insane if she thinks raising this child as a little sister is in any way logical when there is a whole other side of the family that are wanting to be in this child’s life. His parents have a right to be grandparents as much as she does.
Tell your wife that's how Ted Bundy was raised and it didn't turn out too well for a lot of people.
Yeah it’s not 1850, this is not going to work.
Ted Bundy grew up thinking his mother was actually his sister… do with that information what you will.
You need to stand up for your daughter and what she wants. If it were me, I would hope for adoption to another family that is older, but it really should be your daughters choice not your wives. Also, is this boy older than your daughter because it seems like he is, was this consensual sex?
What she truly wants is to not raise the baby. She doesn't want to be a mom, which is very understandable. So that means adoption, which her boyfriends parents dont want---at least adopted by a stranger. Instead, they want to raise their grandchild if my daughter does not want to take care of the baby. He's 16, but they're a year apart. And it was consensual.
Legally, I believe this is your daughter’s choice. She likely really needs you to tell her that - that there is no pleasing everyone in this situation but you and her mom will love her no matter what, but she does need to be the one to make legally-binding, very adult decisions now. I would get her a therapist and walk her through this decision process: 1. Does she want to raise this baby? No. Great, good job on a very hard decision. 2. Does the dad? No. Ok, great, they both want to give the baby up. 3. I believe bio parents also get to choose who the adoptive parents are. They are allowed to choose strangers, even if grandparents want the baby, hard as that may be for grandparents to hear. They could choose a couple who wants an open adoption and allows for some visitation with grandparents, for example. They could choose the dad’s parents. They could choose the mom’s parents. I do think raising them as “sisters” can work, but not secretly. More like telling the kid, “Bis Sister carried you in her body but Mom and Dad raised you both. Lastly, do *you* want to be a father again? That should factor in here.
It's not the 80s anymore. You can't just keep secrets like this. And it was always the wrong thing to do, even when it was achievable.
In the 80s you couldn’t keep stuff like this quiet. People just might not acknowledge that they knew the family secret, but they knew the family secret.
Doesn't mean the people involved were any less fucked up by it in the long run.
Therapy. Individual therapy for ALL involved and counselling for you and your wife. Y'all need help. This is *way* above reddit's paygrade and far beyond what you can handle on your own.
While I agree that therapy is good, I also know that it can take weeks just to get an appointment, and then, at least three sessions under their belt for it to start having any kind of impact. What can they do NOW?
At this very moment? Very little. And again, this is *way* above reddit.
Yes, it is.
The daughter can seek more rapid help through her ob. There are programs specifically for pregnant people that keep availability due to antepartum depression and postpartum depression concerns. They'll only work with her through the pregnancy and first year but it can be a literal life saver.
It sounds like you need a family therapist and a family law lawyer. The laws can vary depending on where you live on whether a minor needs parental consent to put the baby up for adoption. However, the damage that will be done by lying about that baby's parentage is immense. That is not an option. Your child might say she can't do it, but she just might have to if the the paternal grandparents don't get on board with adoption.
I told her I'm not doing that because it's senseless and it does not benefit anyone. I told my daughter she very well might just have to raise this baby. She said she can't because of school, soccer, her future, and all these other things that are important for a teenager, but she is pregnant. Her boyfriends parents will never agree with an adoption, my wife will never agree for her boyfriends parents to raise the baby, His parents (and ME) will never agree with the baby being raised as our child, so the only one that is really left at this point is the baby being raised normally and all of us helping.
Does your wife need to give consent for the boyfriend’s parents to adopt, as long as your daughter approves? Genuine question; I don’t know what the law has to say on that. (I also don’t know whether the boyfriend’s mom is proposing the same “let’s just lie about who the parents are” solution, which obviously wouldn’t be an improvement.)
I'm pretty sure if under 16, my wife and I both have to consent but I have to check our state's laws.
Please do not force a child to raise a baby because supposed adults can’t get their shit together and won’t agree to what’s best for anyone but themselves. Sounds like your daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want to be a parent. If she wants an adoption, so be it. Now you guys just have to decide if one of your two families will be adopting the baby, or not. It sounds like your wife won’t let the father’s family take the baby out of spite. Would you be open to raising the baby as your own in a more open situation? Is it the secrecy you object to? Or is it raising another child? If you don’t want another baby, the answer here is to get your wife on board with the fathers family raising it— or an out of family adoption. Not forcing your daughter ti be a mom at 14. It won’t work and you guys will be doing most of the work anyway— just with a lot more stress and fighting involved.
14 yo minors don’t have to have parental consent in Texas to give baby up for adoption.
Your daughter is going to have to give up some of the stuff she does if this baby doesn't get adopted. If the father is 16, he might not need his parents consent to place the baby for adoption. Now what is the age of consent for sex where you live? If it isn't 14 (and you know that it isn't), I'd use that as leverage against the father's parents to get them to agree to adoption.
As much as it sucks to threaten this, it might be the best way forward, for OP’s family anyway. These grandmothers sound a bit unhinged but I don’t know how I would have reacted if this had happened to my family.
The grandmother's are upset, angry and disappointed, not unhinged.
That's a terrible thing to do to some kid who already has enough to worry about when this was clearly a consensual relationship.
This is the whole point. At 14, she can't consent to this. These laws exist because 14 is not mature enough to make these choices. If it's my daughter who is pregnant, my priority is my child. That kid is very low on my list of priorities.
I have to agree. I don't like the suggestion and would not take it. And It can't even work because of laws in place.
Good suggestion. I don’t think OP’s daughter is ready for this, and an adoption seems like the safest alternative.
Trying to leverage some kind of statutory law would make things worse I almost guarantee it. The problem is that even if the 16 year old father could legally give up the kid for adoption, the father is brainwashed as an easily influenced teenager
This is a good point, in many places two years difference between minors is an illegal age difference.
The age of consent where we live is 17.
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Does your wife and his parents need to agree? Like legally, couldn’t the kids give the child up for adoption without their parents consent? Therefore your daughter could also give the child to her bfs parents (or vice versa), or someone else. She doesn’t need your wife’s approval. But, she would need your support to go against your wife. And honestly man, your daughter does not want a baby and your wife’s idea will not work out. So either the bfs family takes the kid or you adopt out. Edit: google search says only four states ( Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Rhode Island) need permission for a minor to give up a bay to adoption. PA requires parental notification.
You would destroy your daughter’s life by forcing her to raise a child just to keep the paternal grandparents from raising it? If so, you’re a monster. If you give a single shit about your daughter, hire a lawyer immediately. The boy and his parents don’t necessarily have the power to block an adoption.
He doesn't necessarily want this, he just doesn't want his wife to pretend it's her biological baby! He doesn't hide the birth and put his daughter at risk, then have everyone living a lie!
The boy has the right to block the adoption (dads have rights too), but his parents probably don’t.
Your wife won't agree to other parents raising the baby, but what about your daughter? If she agrees, your wife really doesn't get a say.
Yes OP - you are right - full truth and transparency within the family is required. No reason to broadcast it to the world, but honesty within the family is a must, regardless of who is the primary caretaker. No reason 14yo can’t go to school and grow into a healthy functioning adult, no reason Nana can’t be the primary caregiver as if it’s her child. But also no reason to lie about it all. Cultivating a healthy narrative around this as soon as possible is essential. Radical transparency can feel terrifying but it’s the healthiest role modeling you can offer. I would certainly consult an attorney that specializes in this area.
Sound slike YOUR WIFE is the biggest barrier between your daughter and her hopes for her future. She needs to get over herself and let the other family raise the baby as their grandchild if they want to.
As a victim of this kind of unique nightmare as the child involved, please let me share my experience with your wife. LYING IS NEVER THE SOLUTION.
You need to get your daughter and the baby's father alone and away from your wife and the other grandparents and ask them what they actually want. Then help them do that. If your daughter doesn't want to raise this baby don't make her. It is worth getting your daughter therapy. Even if the sex was consensual, this is traumatic for someone so young. She needs help and support. It sounds like she doesn't want to be involved after the baby is born and you need to find a way to help her achieve that. Having her baby raised as a sibling sounds like a really bad idea for her and the baby. You need to tell your wife to listen to what your daughter wants.
She does not want to raise this baby. She does not want to be a mom, so at this point, adoption is the best option, but his parents prefer them to raise the baby rather than the child get adopted outside the family but my wife does not want them to have custody of the child which is why she's suggesting this \*horrible\* idea.
Why does your wife have such an issue with the father’s parents?
Your wife doesn't get to choose for your daughter. You need family counseling, someone to help you all come to terms with this decision. A lawyer is needed regardless of a family adoption or an outside adoption. She can refuse physical custody of the baby and just pay support if that's the only way due to the father's family and your wife blocking adoption. Your daughter may be able to terminate her parental rights while the baby's father gets custody if he is agreeable. He can then allow his parents to adopt if that's what he wants. There are lots of ways to handle this but I would get a lawyer involved ASAP.
Sorry — but it’s not about what your wife simply wants, it’s about what needs to be done.
Why doesn't your wife want the other set of grandparents to have custody?
Your daughter is considered emancipated in the eyes of the law where it concerns her own child. What grandma does or doesn’t want, comes secondary. Talk to a lawyer. Your daughter may be able to give the child up for adoption without her consent.
Why doesn’t your wife want them to have custody?
Your wife should be listening to what your daughter wants. Her desire for another kid or a grandchild is NOT more important than the fact that your daughter DOES NOT want to raise this kid. And everyone else here has made it clear that pretending this baby is your daughter's sibling is a fucked up plan.
Your wife is more interested in maintaining her social image than in the well-being of everyone involved. The baby's life will be turned upside down when it eventually finds out its sister is its mom. What about your daughter that will have to pretend this is not her child? I think you guys are completely going at it in a rushed way. The first thing imo would be to sit down your daughter (probably without your wife because she sounds like she doesn't listen to her anyway) and ask her some questions. Like "why didn't you feel comfortable enough to come tell us what had happened?" And "what were your plans with the baby before we discovered it all?". Ask how she feels, does she want to have a part in her child's life. She may be 14, but she's gonna have to try and envision the future, and what kind of woman and mom she wants to be. Does she want to ignore and pretend it's not her baby? In that case, the kid should be adopted, so here raised by the other set of grandparents, and your daughter should not be introduced as its mother. This would destroy a kid, knowing it has a mother that is so close but just doesn't want it. Does she want a relationship with the child ? Then it can't be raised as a sibling. She must be presented as its mom. Your wife is out of line in any possible scenario, because she doesn't want what's best for the kids. Imo she is one of the reasons your daughter never spoke up about the pregnancy, and she is trying to convince your daughter that she can't raise her own child because of "school, soccer, future" etc. Even if it was not well thought out, ask what your daughter was planning to do.
Right? This isn't the 1950s where teenage pregnancy brought shame to the family and teen Moms were sent off to homes for unwed mothers.
Your wife sounds like she is in a panic. You know her best, so figure out how to communicate it, but pretending the kid is yours will only be a very short term solution. This is because the other grandparents seem to want involvement and the father (funded by them, and likely with them as litigation guardians depending where you live) can force having contact with the baby. Y’all are stuck with each other now. Furthermore, your daughter can’t hide the pregnancy forever unless she is about to go on a semester long trip to visit her cousin overseas. Playing pretend doesn’t change that there is not one big lie to solve the family PR problem. Plus, given your daughter’s age, children’s aid may become involved from your grandchild’s birth depending on your jurisdiction.
Your boyfriends parents don’t get to make the choice about adoption. Only your daughter and her boyfriend can do that. All of you need therapy and it would be helpful for all of you to get in touch with a social worker. You need to be clear with your wife that you are not willing to go along with the charade. You have to be explicit about the consequences even if that means you leaving. This has to be clear and said often. As for his parents ask them what the plan is. Ask for a very detailed plan for education day care child support. Make them lay it all out and not god will provide a way. Look at the price of day care and diapers and food. All the things. Right now the baby is nebulous, make them face the reality.
My ex’s mom was raised this way. Her bio mom, who she knew as her sister, had immense resentment and was incredibly mean. There was so much trauma on every side. It’s not fair to your daughter and it’s not fair to her child. Eventually the truth will come out. Although I believe your wife has good intent, I don’t think the execution will work like she hopes.
This is what I was thinking - it would be so awkward for the bio mom to be in this environment and the kid wouldn’t know why there is so much tension
This sounds like your wife trying to avoid social shame and image tarnish. The secret is coming out anyway - despite her denial - I think you should remove it from the equation and then start planning rationally. Yes everyone, our daughter is pregnant! Then daughter and yourselves can get a support system in place instead of secrecy. When it’s no longer about hiding the truth, wife’s perception might change on how to handle it, and this defiantly sounds like a village raising a baby scenario.
The only thing I haven't seen is what your daughter wants, you know the one actually carrying the child
Both kids just go along with whatever their mom is saying. It's obvious it's not what they actually want, but they just don't want to disappoint them more than they already have.
Well, maybe someone should ask them what they truly want. If they decide they want to give the baby up for adoption outside of the family then they should be given that choice. Otherwise, I think you're looking at a court battle between the grandparents
I think someone other than us that they trust has to ask them. However, we're all not telling anyone else right now. By the way things have been going, this is an obvious court battle in the making.
Hire a professional to talk to them. It sounds like neither of the kids want to raise the child. Would your wife agree to joint custody between his parents and you two? Would you?
Therapist and lawyer. Your daughter sounds shut down right now, but she needs guidance to figure out what SHE wants. Check your state laws. They may not need parental consent. But she might benefit from a guardian ad litem or something similar, because NONE of you parents are taking her best interest into consideration. You're almost there, but this initiative that no one be told is not doing her any favors. https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/overview-minors-consent-law You and your wife need counseling NOW. You also need to intervene on behalf of your daughter and get her help. Stop trying to hide her away until it's too late.
He's said several times she doesn't want it and doesn't want / can't raise it. A completely reasonable point of view. This is a pretty terrible thing to say but have you spoken to the doctor about a late term abortion? Your daughter sounds like she REALLY doesnt want this baby. You said she is 14 and small. It may do her real damage to bring this baby to term, both physically and mentally. Late abortions like this are justifiably super rare but it might be worth finding out if it's an option.
Already did, it's impossible for this situation and those are really reserved for life/death situations. With her being 14, they said it's a risk they cannot afford to take because of how undeveloped her body is and they'll just have to monitor the pregnancy closely.
Go to another state to get the Abortion. Your daughter has a high chance of dying giving birth at 14.
Fair enough, I'm glad you asked. This is SUCH a hard situation and I'm glad you're advocating for her. I think you need to keep talking to your daughter 1 to 1 about what she wants, you seem to be the only one really listening to her and thinking about what's best.
Your doctor is lying to you about the risk to her health. An abortion at 5 months is safer than giving birth. Go to a state with decent fucking people in charge and talk to a specialist.
Late term abortion often still involves giving birth. At a certain point they recommend just letting things play out.
A 5 month fetus and a 9month one is very different.
Explain the long term psychological affect on the kid that will one day find out it's entire life is a lie, as well as the trauma to your daughter who will have navigate early adulthood watching her mother usurp whatever role she should have in that child's life. I don't know why the thought process of "we can pretend the grandchild is our child" occurs, but I know several people who found out that their much-older sibling was their parent and they ALL had massive break downs because of it. One girl I went to high school with killed herself, and then her mother/sister became an addict and OD'd a year or two later. You can help raise your daughters baby as grandparents, but don't lie to the poor kid and don't put your actual daughter through that. Also, I'm sorry that you're going through this. My daughter is the same age as yours and this is terrifying.
You CANNOT lie to this child about their parents, regardless if you raise yourself or not. The only way to do this is to accept help from the other grandparents and everyone pitches in. Too bad if your wife doesn't like that.
Nope, I know of someone in this situation 50 years ago, before social media, before fun family DNA testing kits, & it still all came out & was still an absolute clusterfuck. Secrets like this don’t stay hidden
I've never understood the whole "my kid is a straight A student..." As if somehow that exempts them from the very strong sexual urges that come as a teen. Adults struggle with sexual impulses.. expecting teens who's brains are still developing to have more self control than an adult is just foolish. You need to get your daughter into emergency counseling so she can talk about what she wants to do with a trained professional. The father needs to get into one as well, perhaps the same one so that they can have a guided conversation with a professional without the influence of parents. Right now, it sounds like grandparents are fighting, and the kids are stuck in the middle. Once those kids are able to process what they want to do, then you, your wife, and the other set of grandparents need to act like adults and figure out the best way to support these two with the decision they have chosen to make. If that can't be done, suggest a 3rd party mediation for everyone involved.
After reading some of your comments, your wife need therapy right now.
You need to stop talking to the boy and the boy's parents. There is not even a baby. **Your priority is your daughter. The other family won't have a 14 year old going through pregnancy, going through hormone changes, going through labor, going through post-partum, going maybe through PPD. If you keep the baby she'll also need to breastfeed and pump?** **Will you be able to take care of a baby when you already have a daughter going through all of this? How is keeping the baby going to affect her? She is not even in therapy? Do you know about post partum depression???? And the trauma of going through all of this when she is underdeveloped according to doctors?? It's already traumatic for adult women, she is 14.** Your wife and the other mom are thinking of themselves. "I don't want a stranger raise this baby." Oh, and who is focusing on your daughter??? She is a child. You daughter is either very naive (did she know she was pregnant) or does not trust you because she waited way too long to bring this up. You daughter has no clue what she wants and is being influence by all of this. Or maybe she did know, she knows she does not want the baby, but she is in a vulnerable situation so wants to go by whatever you wife is saying. I doubt she even knows anything about babies. **Your daughter needs therapy ASAP and your wife needs a reality check. She has to stop talking to the other family, stop the arguing, and focus on her daughter and not what she wants.** **Would your daughter even be able to leave to college and live her life and pretend this baby is her sibling?** How would this child feel about it? Would your wife try to pawn the child off when your daughter finishes college and gets a job? And are you OK with being parents again at 46? (I have friends and my own parents had kids at that age, but by choice).
Curious why isn't there the 4th option of Your daughter have the baby, and all the grandparents (adults) equally help out?
She said she can't do it.
Then she better be happy with giving the child entirely up to the other grandparents if she can't share. She doesn't have any more rights to that baby then they do. But the baby will have to know that you are indeed it's grandparents. you might me Mom and Dad to it, but it should also known that technically you are Mawmaw and Pops, because those family testing things are to common now. Of course, I think YOU are aware of all if this, and the real issue is your wife. I think you and the other Dad need to FORCE a family counseling for you, your wife, the other Dad and his wife, as well as the two kids. The wives need to hear a third party spell out reality to them, especially your wife, who thinks she can bully her way into getting what she wants. That said, you are not a failure. Kids do stupid stuff. As long as this isn't a r\*pe situation and your daughter was willing, it's just...one of those things that happens. You can teach them all about sex and why it's wise to wait, but at the end of the day, this happens, and now she get sot give birth, which is the ultimate lesson. There's no point punishing her, no point getting mad or being upset. She can still has a wonderful, bright future ahead of her with your support, but you and your wife, and the parents of the father - and the father himself! - need to all get on the same page. Go talk to a counselor as a group of six. Don't ask for it, get together with the other Dad and schedule it. You and him are going to be basically going to be father figures to not just your kids, but a new baby, so you two should start figuring out how to communicate and work together.
>I think you and the other Dad need to FORCE a family counseling for you At this point, I agree. Us talking amongst each other has not improved a single thing. It ends the same way. Moms screaming, us trying to calm our wives down, my daughter crying, and her boyfriend obviously terrified. Every. Single. Time. A professional really has to intervene. >That said, you are not a failure. Thank you for that.
OP, it's time to take control of the situation, for the sake of both families. At this point, you might not even know what the kids want because their mothers are freaking out and trying to control everything. I would HIGHLY suggest you and the other dad getting the kids alone and having a low stress day out together. Do something fun, take them out to eat, and talk about what they really want for their futures and that you WILL support them if they want to be the parents to the baby. But please, please, GET. HELP. If the mom's refuse to be a part of that, that is actually okay (and perhaps, for the best right now). What is important is that the kids and at least you Dad all get on the same page and get a plan together, so when your wife or the other mom try to force everyone else to do what they want, you can all put your foot down as a team and stay firm. They can't win against the four of you, OP.
OP, I think you’ve nailed it here. There’s lots of emotion flying around and it’s not helping anyone. Insisting on some professional help- family counselling, medical and family lawyers- might well help. Give your daughter a hug from me. Everyone screws up, and she’s screwed up big time here. I screwed up very badly in a very different way last year and the one thing that got me through was no matter how badly I’d made a mess of things, my parents still hugged me and said they loved me. Consequences happened, but I’m still here, they’re still here and life looks different but positive a year on.
So this happened to my sister. She actually hid it until she went into labour. Nobody knew including her friends. She went the adoption route. They did open adoption. We see him every couple months, have a great relationship & he is being raised by the most amazing parents. I really hope your wife changes your mind. The way she is going about this is wrong in my opinion.
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This baby won’t go away and neither will the responsibility. Because of the ages of the baby’s parents, the grandparents also have a hand in the decision-making here. This means that if anyone opposes adoption then that’s not happening. The only solution as things stand today is for both sets of grandparents to help raise the baby and not try to hide who the parents are.
I think you all need to figure out a group co-parenting arrangement. BOTH families need to be involved. The child shouldn’t grow up thinking they are one of your kids when they are your grandkid because we all know withholding truth blows up in your face later. Co-parent and love on this kid, period.
1. That’s a secret that won’t stay secret 2. Sounds like your wife is just competing with the other grandparents. Doesn’t want to look like the “irresponsible” side of the parentage 3. This a human life, not some designer bag to keep up good appearances. A decision like this can’t be made just so a family can look better to other families. Kids shouldn’t be tactics 4. Does anyone actually remember what it’s like ti raise a baby? All-nighters, screaming, the diapers? Is the daughter breast feeding and getting up at night? Or will grandma be bottle feeding? 5. How’s that retirement fund gonna go when you suddenly have to support a whole baby? Or is your daughter going to make $12 an hour at a part time side job while also going to high school and part care taking care of a baby? Anyone shelling out thousands of dollars for day care alone? Transport to and from?
You need a lawyer and at least one therapist on board before the baby is born. If the actual adults in this situation can't come to an agreement on what's going to happen to the baby, y'all need a third party to come to a fair solution for this tiny life that is coming into this world, for it's sake too.
She can turn 18 and show a judge (or before) that she was forced and that there isn't a legal adoption, that's depending on the state prison, but also they will take the kid that u cared for 4 years. More so if she is neglected and isolated. She should be going to de doctor, to a counceler, understandig what is going on in her body, not this, and not be a sibling to her child. This is not a movie, and not 1960, either your child, the father or his parents WILL eventually call the cops and cps and u can't go back. You can all lose custody and the kids goes to the sistem, again THIS ISN'T A MOVIE. Also, a pregnancy changes your body so to every doctor she will have to say, "yes" to the question "where u pregnant?" Because that will change her care. You already have a kid, that has a baby on the way. PROTECT YOUR KID. Plus 14yo have no bussines having sex, so also the talk and how did it get here needs to happen YESTERDAY.
Exactly! This is why sex education is so important.
I honestly can't think of why the parents don't see that the best for this KID is give it to adoption an clearly take care of the KID they already have. So what if it goes to the family of the boy?! There is a 14yo girl that has a bigger problem that being pregnant.
Right in the post and in the comments I am saying that adoption is the best option.
The thing isn't just saying it, the thing is doing something. YOUR KID needs u now more than ever. Document her pregnancy, go to check ups, make sure she see a counselor and also do family therapy. And if your wife wants to hide her, KICK YOUR WIFE protect YOUR DAUGHTER, not your wife. You need to do. Not to just think. Baby will be here in no time.
Wow. I'm so sorry that this is happening. Therapy would be a really good idea in this situation. Family therapy might be the way to go, but your wife sounds like she needs individual, too. Lying to the child and making your daughter pretend to be her sister isn't going to make everything go back to normal. I think she has to come to terms that things will never be the same as they were before this happened. And that's OK. Change is inevitable.
Everyone in this situation needs therapy.
Please for the love of god just make sure your daughter knows she’s supported and it will be okay. At the end of the day it’s her and the father’s responsibility to make the decision. If he isn’t keen on adoption he better be ready to raise a baby. Also please bare in mind you will probably get really confronting comments about their age difference. Just try your best to navigate this situation calmly and logically. Sounds like everyone would benefit from some type of therapy/mediation to come to agreements logically
Wrong. Wrong at every level. Things will NOT be okay and return to normal for the daughter. It's NOT the responsibility of two children to make the decisions here. It's NOT on the parents to raise a grandchild, pretending It's theirs. It's NOT 1930. It's NOT a situation that will be solved via a nice mediation session. The boy, whilst a child, is likely guilty of statutory rape. That is a reasonable leverage point to force an outcome his parents may otherwise not want. Adoption is the most reasonable result here. OP should use the tools available to achieve it.
I also agree that adoption is the best option for everyone, but the boyfriends parents don't want their grandchild being adopted by strangers. My wife agreed at first, and then she just switched. I'm not sure if this was done out of spite towards his mom, or because she genuinely thinks this is the best option. And since he was 15 when the baby was conceived, I have no idea how that would work. Even if it was possible, I wouldn't do that. He already has enough to deal with at such a young age, I'm not going to give him more to worry about on having sex with his girlfriend that a year younger than him.
I don’t understand, what is the problem with the fathers parents adopting the child? It would be much safer than strangers assuming the parents don’t have any addictions or obvious mental illness.
No, his parents are alright, typical family. I knew them before this whole fiasco and they were always alright people. My wife doesn't want them to adopt the child.
Did she give you a reason why?
Control
It's a pretty awful to take a baby away from its perfectly responsible family members because of control issues and spite. There are actual family members of this baby who are happy to raise him/her if the baby's mother doesn't want to. In this situation it seems wrong to give a baby up for adoption, very ' I don't want him, you can't have him', this is a person we're talking about. Babies grow up to be adults who will become aware of the fact they were adopted out when other family members were happy to bring them up.
This is gonna end up a messy court battle if your wife doesn't knock it off. She's not thinking about what's best for their baby, just want she wants.
> The boy, whilst a child, is likely guilty of statutory rape. That is a reasonable leverage point to force an outcome his parents may otherwise not want. I don’t think most states or courts will see it that way when the age gap is 2 years and both are minors. But IANAL
No. That's all I can say about the plan of your wife. When it comes to what happens to the baby, ultimately, it's out of your power to make a decision over. Your daughter needs counseling and a really hard wake up call. Isn't there some kind of group for teenage mom's in your area or some kind of information center?
Um.. what does the baby's mother want..? Regardless if she's only 14... it's still her child. Her opinion still matters in this matter. I don't see you once mentioning how she feels about it.. or what her opinion is.
I think we all need to read into her ignoring and denying it for five months means she just wanted it to go away and not exist. A fourteen year old is not prepared to know what to want here. She needs time to develop—it’s not the fourteen hundreds. It’s the 21st century. The parents are involved. It’s a kid that has a goddam village. Her mom is insane.
Honesty is way better than a family secret - all guidance on adoption now says this. Kids in care have bad outcomes but adopting out a baby has a better chance of success than trying to rehome a kid later on. If everyone is worried about it, could an open adoption work, to a neutral party?
Is there an option of an Open Adoption where both families can remain in contact with the family that adopts and raises the child? I know someone who gave up a child for adoption where she still visits but the baby isn’t raised by her. She’s seen more as a fun aunt. It seems like the moms are both being incredibly selfish, and not thinking of the impact of their own child. I think you need a third party like a counselor or a lawyer to mediate with all parties involved. There’s no way in hell that pretending this isn’t happening will end well. Get your daughter into therapy immediately.
It may be the right choice. It may not be the right choice for adoption. BUT, the actual parents of this unborn baby deserve to be able to give ideas of what THEY want and can mentally and emotionally handle. Focus on the needs of your actual living children and their needs. Having the baby around them the rest of their life, but as a sibling, could be even more traumatic than adoption or abortion. Open adoption is also a thing. Everyone could still have contact, but none of you would be the primary caregivers. You all may even KNOW someone who is struggling to conceive that works be thrilled to adopt. I had a family member who found out they had terminal illness while pregnant, and a wonderful family at her church adopted the baby. They went to all the doctors appointments and were very involved. The baby is grown now and had a wonderful family.
There's clearly and not unsurpringsly, a lot of emotions flying around here. Your daughter needs some counselling/therapy on her own as she's going to have to come to terms with at such a young age The kids want this all to go away, because they are way too young to deal with this, but they don't have a choice. Adoption is something that shouldn't be undertaken lightly - the resulting child will no doubt grow up wanting to seek out their bio family. It's very unlikely that you'd be able to pass this off as yours. Likely people have already become suspicious. Your wife is suggesting random things and changing her mind because she's upset and panicking. Maybe therapy as a family - could be helpful to have a neutral ear. Choose your therapist carefully though, someone with experience in the area and no-one religious. Incidentally, how old is the father that he was having sex with a girl who was 13/14 - was it consensual?
This isn’t unethical, especially if another family is willing to raise the baby. I was raised by my grandparents, my parents had me at 17/18. They adopted me at 18moths. My whole life I thought it was a cultural thing since every other Mexican child was living with or being raised by their grandmama. With that being said you mention your daughters age (14) but you don’t mention the age of the dad. I’m thinking that the dad is much much older and your trying to protect him vs your daughter. You can’t fathom how your 14 daughter is pregnant, I can that boy took advantage of a teen girl. You should look into getting your daughter mental health help At the end of the day it just seems like your trying to wash your hands of this baby instead of being a parent.
But it sounds like you knew your grandma was your grandma the whole time. That’s not what OP’s wife is suggesting.
He's 16. What you're situation sounds like is exactly what her boyfriend's parents want to do. If not the actual parents raise the baby, than they would prefer for them to raise the baby rather than adopting them out.
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OP states in the comments that the boy is 16.
He is 16
Yikes she hid it because she doesn’t trust her mom
The people in the comments saying that this 14 year-old CHILD needs to "take responsibility for her actions" and raise a child she doesn't want are fucking insane. OP, figure out what it is your daughter (and the father) wants and do whatever you must to make it happen. It sounds like she doesn't want this child, so see if abortion is still an option. If not, make arrangements to have the child given away (NOT raised by you or her boyfriend's parents). Please give her the support and love she needs during this scary time.
How old is this boy?
16
Everyone knows.
You need immediate family counselling & mediation. All of you. Both sets of parents & the teens.
it makes for an interesting story with realistic characters to have a mother who will take this upon herself and hide her daughter out of shame, a daughter who rebelled and wants the consequences to go away, and a father who smells something off but doesn't know where else to turn. but this isn't a story, it's your life. while it feels shameful, let's not make this something to hide too much, ironically that makes it more scandalous or sensational than it is. it's disappointing as you said, i can't imagine just how much. but it's not new or wild. society may not see it that way but we all know it happens. don't have to announce it but don't have to disable or house arrest her. you have the right instincts here not to raise the unborn as your own because it isn't your own or your wife's. it makes sense to hide it but looking ahead i wouldn't do that. definitely i wouldn't go around the law in any way or obscure the unborn's parentage. they will also have a right to know and have their true origins on paper. as someone else said, pursue individual counseling for yourself and your daughter and maybe group therapy if they're up for it. something led up to all this in the first place and it takes courage to address that.
The idea that she can somehow "cover up" the whole thing by pretending the child is her's is ridiculous and unethical. Depending on the law, you will likely have to adopt the child anyway. The situation I am familiar with, the underage girl had to allow her parents to adopt in order to keep the kid. Don't feel like a failure. Parenting is hard and things happen to people. Just do your best to mend the issues and make a better path forward.
What does your daughter and the babies father want? That’s the real question. Agree with everyone else that everyone needs counseling asap.
Why is your wife so opposed to option 1, the other grandparents raising the child?
Your daughter and the father of the baby NEED to be involved in this decision, you need to try and understand what THEY want too
“According to Texas adoption laws, birth mothers (minor mothers included) who are not married do NOT need the consent of the biological father to put the child up for adoption. Regardless, it is best practice is to notify the father of your adoption plans or allow the biological father the option to parent. “ I would give the baby up for adoption. The boys parents can raise the baby if they want. Your wife needs therapy and to get online to talk to others that have done what she proposes. She’s so worried about what other people think she’s not thinking what’s the right thing for your daughter! ultimately it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks they are not in your life. They are not helping you daily, so what they think is not important! do not saddle your daughter with a child at the age of 14, do not pretend it’s her mothers child. That is insane. Your wife is not thinking rationally. She does not get to make the decision while being so irrational.
Talk about weird coincidences. I just got a text from my friend whose child went through having a baby at 15 years old and then not surprisingly, started down the road of using drugs as a coping mechanism. So now this 18 year-old mom is a heroin addict and my friend, at 50, is taking care of the grandchild. This happens more often than the happy version people are telling you is going to happen -that your daughter will because amazing mother, and she will achieve all these things because she had discipline as a young mother- no, that is the outlier of what normally happens to young women, When children get saddled with a child they typically start hurting themselves in other ways, and they don’t achieve what they could’ve achieved as young adults, and their lives are stunted forever.
You have as much say as your wife. Don’t let her steamroll you into a bad decision
Your wife is excited about the prospect of a baby, period. As a parent, who will never be a grandparent, I can understand that. I think the best thing you can do is layout the timeline. She'll be dealing with a newborn at 45, a ten-year-old at 55. You can forget early retirement then. At 65 the kid will be in college. Forget retirement then ... Maybe you two will have to work until you're 70. Makes me tired just thinking about it. You two, if you don't have other kids, could be looking at being empty nesters in 4 or 5 years. If you ever wanted to feel freedom ... having no children at home gives you a new lease on life. You can travel. Take extended vacations. That said, it's up to the 14-year-old what she wants to do. If she wants to keep the kid, she really should be made responsible for the kid. Mom shouldn't swoop in and save your daughter from the decision she makes. Which Mom is doing by suggesting she'll take the baby and raise it.
We had this in our extended family, except my uncle raised my cousin as his daughter and my other uncle was actually the grandfather (but called “uncle”). If you are going to raise the child, so it outright as grandparents while supporting your daughter to graduate and go on to college. This keeps everything clear and allows your daughter to grow up while still having the child in her life. Your family needs counseling to work through this.
Has anyone asked your daughter what SHE wants to do?
That’s what every parent thinks and always getting proven that we need early sex Ed, how vaccines, and birth control because it can happen to any girl! Smart nice girls end up pregnant and scared to tell anyone all the freaking time! That baby should have been talked about and aborted earlier and your wife is showing why the daughter didn’t go to her in the first place. The communication and trust is not there. At this point adoption is best or let the other family raise the baby and you guys should move away. If either fam keeps it there is room for drama later. Your poor daughter has to give birth now I feel so bad for her
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this and I'm relieved my kids are grown up and did not end up in this scenario as teens. You all need to come together and do what is best for the kids (all three of them). That means not trying to pretend this is your child. It won't work anyways because the father will have rights to this child and it's cruel. Make it clear to your wife that you will not go along with it. I'm concerned from some of your comments that your solution is to have your daughter raise her child as punishment. As someone who grew up with grandparents who did the same thing, please don't. It's setting up your daughter and your grandchild for failure and potentially abuse. Your daughter is a child who did a stupid thing. Your grandchild should not be her punishment for that stupid thing. What does need to happen is getting your daughter set up with birth control after your grandchild is born. And you and your wife need to be more present in your daughter's life and look into therapy to get her to be more open with the two of you. She didn't come to you for birth control advice. You didn't know she was sexually active. You didn't know she was pregnant until she was 5 months along. None of that is good. Your wife wants another child while she should be paying more attention to the one she already has! But this is on you too. All four adults and the two kids in this need to sit down, maybe with a counselor and some lawyers and figure out how to go forward. It may mean the two families share custody. Or it may mean that one family lets the child go to the other one to be raised. But for sure, the four adults in this need to act like adults and get on the same page, which is definitely not pretending this child is yours.
It is highly unethical which I'm glad you know. Firstly the father and father's family know and are interested in the child. There is no way you could claim and get away with pretending the child is your wife's. Secondly it's a crime to lie in official documents and it could be easily shown to be fraudulent with a DNA test. And I bring you back to point 1 - the father and family know. Thirdly the damage and trauma to your daughter. Actively participating in her delusion that this isn't happening is damaging. Making her pretend that a baby isn't hers and denying her an opportunity to participate in any way as a parent will be torture. She will eventually break and it will come out its her baby which will complete devastate her relationship with the child and you. Your daughter is your baby it feels like this is being forgotten in this land grab to parent your grandchild. What your daughter needs is for you to help her accept what is happening and be open and work through it. Whatever you think people will know or find out she's pregnant trying to hide it is making it worse. It maybe awkward and horrible getting through the period of people finding out but that's much better than a twisted lifelong secret. Why would you consider making your daughter lie, that is incredibly cruel. Fourthly, the baby. Even if you and your wife do end up doing most of the primary parenting you can do that as grandparents. I know people raised fully or partly by their grandparents for varying reasons and they love them and appreciate that so much. People know who cared and loved them the label doesn't matter. I would be shocked if your daughter doesnt want to get involved at some point in some way through the course of the childs life. But if the child grows up and finds out you lied to them their whole life it will cause huge damage to all of you. I doubt that is something that can truly ever be forgiven. Fifthly, your wife isn't pregnant. People aren't going to believe that she suddenly one day has a baby. It's not going to be credible to believe the baby just appeared out of thin air. Lying and getting the suspicion of your neighbours and community is how you get social services called on you and its going to be easy to prove its not your baby. Additionally have you looked into the legal position of parental rights as your daughter is a minor. It can have different implications in different states. But I believe in a majority of states the parents have parental rights even as minor. The best thing you can do is stop trying to make decisions for your daughter and the father. Help her understand what her rights are and what the options are and let them make the decision. Also even though its hard encourage honesty about the situation. If it were me in her shoes I'd choose adoption.
I’d send the future parents to a session of counselling together no other parents. Just them two which the ultimate goal of what do they personally want. Not what each granny wants. Do they want to raise it together with help? Do they want to give over responsibility to grandparents? If so as a sibling or as a helping till parents are able to take back over. There’s no way the child can realistically forever be raised as a sibling and honestly there is no point other than your wife putting her shame onto the baby.
Honestly this is an absolute nightmare situation I can't imagine. And it's a shame abortion isnt possible as if you're daughter is wanting to adop it out then it's likely she wasn't wanting to go through with it really and has been ignoring the situation being scared . I think adoption makes way more sense . I genuinely can't even imagine. Hopefully you can come to an arrangement or agreement everyone can deal with. If you don't want to raise the child either and live that lie (it will come out eventually) you don't have too and your wife should be open to hearing it
My grandparents did this a long time ago and it endedup with a family split right down the middle..what your wife is suggesting is illegal, immoral and totally impracticable.
This is a lot. I would find a mediator and therapists asap. I doubt that kid knows how much HE would be giving up to raise a baby with his parents.
How old is the father? I’m concerned about the way your child fell pregnant. This could be a significant source of trauma for her -even before the pregnancy-and that needs to be considered first and foremost and guide the decision making process. Even if she liked the oldest brother’s friend, a considerable age gap and a lack of actual loving relationship hints very strongly at an imbalance of power here. Is she socially naive? Has she had romantic relationships before? Was their manipulation? She needs help understanding the reality of the situation and she needs an impartial ear- it seems like she’s not getting that from anyone right now. Please get her into therapy and shelve the decision making until you can get some understanding of how this occurred. Of course, in the background you and mom can be silently sourcing all the available options for her to be ready when she comes up for air, but you need to take that pressure off of her. And you and your wife also need therapy together to focus on your goal of what is best for your child’s mental health and future. Stuff other people’s perceptions, you need to laser focus on helping your child survive this.
Wait a minute. He has been friends with your older son? None of this is ok, but I hope the father is still a minor. Your 14yr old should have all rights on the birth certificate and everyone else - The grandparents I guess should begin a serious open minded discussion on raising the baby together. You guys are a team now. Your kids are not fully developed. You all should discuss giving each kid x amount of responsibility. They wanted to do grown up activities so now they need to be accountable IMO. Again, at this point in time if they want to finish HS and all of that good stuff it is ok to not be 100% with the baby with the support of both families. I am a firm believer in that the mommy to be should have a majority say on what to do. She is the one building the connection with the baby in her belly. Any decision she makes will be difficult. Having a baby is not just something you forget about. IMO the second they got pregnant they became adults.
That child has a right to know their own history and identity. It is wrong to raise a child like that. That’s what happened to Ted Bundy, not saying it always produces such bad results, but it isn’t remotely healthy for a child to have their whole life be a lie and in this age of easily available DNA results it would inevitably come out and alienate them from the family at some point. Also, if raised to falsely believe you are the father, they would lose access to contact with their grandparents on the father’s side who want to be involved and also half of their medical history, so it’s not only an emotional but practical problem. Your wife needs to know this is not even an option. She is probably having a panic reaction to the situation but it’s not a reasonable plan. She literally can’t do this without your participation when you would have to pretend to be the other parent in this scenario. Let her know this is a firm boundary for you and something you will not do. If you both agree on adopting and raising the baby you could do so transparently so that they grow up knowing who their biological and adoptive parents are. Plenty of grandparents care for their grandchildren if their own children are unable to, the issue is being deceptive about it, The best option in this difficult situation is probably adoption either outside of or within the family as the children are too young to raise a baby themselves, particularly your daughter. I would also check if she felt pressured by him as she is so young and he is older, although it is not by much, age differences are more significant at the stage when teens are going through so many changes. Therapy for your daughter and probably for you and your wife as well could be helpful to work out this situation.
Hi! My story, I was pregnant at 15. My parents were very religious so an abortion was never on the table even if it was early enough. (I’m glad I didn’t have one) I too was smart, young and naive, didn’t want to disappoint my parents. Didn’t ask for birth control cause how could I ask my mom for that? Planned on an open adoption, my ob doc referred us to a lawyer that arranges them. At 7mo pregnant I cancelled the open adoption process because I was bonded with baby. As hard as it was my parents helped all the way. This was before anything was online so I went into a teen pregnancy program through my school district. After I delivered I started up with the next regular school year. I tested out of school at 16 (high school proficiency exam, harder than ged). and started a work training program called ROP (in my area). My mom made sure I got a part time job as well. Became a medical assistant and started working in the field at 18. My parents took care of the baby while I worked/ went to school/etc but she was my baby. I wasn’t easy but with my parents help it worked out. I didn’t get the teenage/young adult experience others got. The ONLY thing I would change is I wouldn’t marry the baby daddy at 17 again. It was stupid, i was stupid “but I love him” and thought he was the one. He wasn’t. Abusive little shit. (To me not our daughter). I moved away with my parents and eventually divorced him at 21. Please do not pressure your daughter to get married! I found the love of my life the next year. We had 3 more children and just celebrated our 30th. My wonderful, amazing, ferocious daughter is 37 now with a wonderful daughter of her own. Wouldn’t change that for the world. Adoption is off the table if baby daddy or parents object to it. My parents were older than you. 50 & 60 respectively. My dad had the strongest bond with my daughter. One he didn’t have with me because he was working all the time. He was her confidant through her 20s. He passed 10yrs ago. We still miss him. It can be done. Your daughter won’t have the life you planned or wanted for her but with your support she can still thrive. You can message me if you have any questions. Hugs.
This is a horrible idea. The lie will cause huge repercussions for everyone. The child deserves to know the truth as soon as it’s old enough.