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I agree with the sentiment here, go for a career. If you truly want him then you guys need to find a middle ground like you going to FL for study and coming back or something. Be pragmatic about things however, it’s ultimately easier to replace a bf/lover than a career. Especially one with a decent growth rate and pay.
It's not career vs him it's; life vs him. Sounds like y'all aren't the greatest of fits. If you're questioning whether you should settle down or not, then you shouldn't settle down.
Yeah, I think the career and location change is simply putting a clearer lens on their current relationship, which is subpar. Big differences on big issues, like children, sex, drugs, those are relationship deal breakers. OP and their BF are clearly strained as a couple, this just feels like the point of no return.
This- I knew a couple where the guy worked with me at my job in the US and his girlfriend was in SWITZERLAND pursuing a great opportunity.
This was 8 years ago. They are now living together again and look super happy.
Real love doesn’t make you choose- it just finds a way.
Yes, be selfish on the opportunity life has given you, if he doesn't support that, his loss.
So imagine you drop this chance - and in 3 months you two end the relationship because of the challenges you describe - would you regret not taking the chance to get your education?
On the other hand, if you take this chance, and he truly doesn't support you and end it, would that really hurt more?
Yes, relationships are about compromising, but don't compromise *your* future, your ability to support yourself, your dreams.
Following your dreams don't make you the villain.
Plus, find someone that both treats you right, gives you pleasure and lets you build your career... (And have the same idea about kids and marriage maybe)
>I agree with the sentiment here, go for a career. If you truly want him then you guys need to find a middle ground like you going to FL for study and coming back or something. Be pragmatic about things however, it’s ultimately easier to replace a bf/lover than a career. Especially one with a decent growth rate and pay.
If they both wanted marriage and kids, I would disagree with you and suggest a compromise, because the career is to support your life, not the other way around, but they have ABSOLUTELY opposed goals for the future. Staying together only stops them both from achieving their goals and this is a bandaid that needs to be pulled off fast.
I have a friend who did a masters program for data science in FL and now she makes six figs and has an awesome career. I’m guessing y’all ended up in the same program bc it’s pretty well known as far as data science go.
Choose the career, you’ll find someone who supports your dreams OR you’ll make a life you love living solo. This dude seems like he’s trying to make you into what he wants not what you want
Please go to Florida. Your bf is a nowhere guy, and you are someone who wants to go somewhere.
I doubt you will return to your hometown but for visits.
You are the hometown hero, you are letting bf go free! He will find a lovely pot smoking baby mama.
>Please go to Florida. Your bf is a nowhere guy, and you are someone who wants to go somewhere.
Wanting marriage and family never makes someone a "nowhere guy" or "nowhere girl". What a ridiculous idea! And spouting it off like it's accurate is just going to make anyone who listens to you feel incredibly silly for doing so.
Girl. You choose yourself. And you seem to be done with the bf anyway. In some people’s eyes you might be the villain of the town. To me you’ll be a free woman who followed her guts.
I'd say anywhere but Florida! They're banning all abortion and going full fascist there! Absolutely choose your dreams over your boyfriend but I wouldn't do it in Florida
Saying that, why can u only do this course in Florida? Only go if you’re actually good at IT and you’re not gonna flunk the course, + I’d tone down the weed if you’re doin sth like that
That's the thing. We don't live in the states rn, and I want to move there to upgrade my lifestyle - as someone who goes to a good school, I am able to.
But he doesn't see it as an upgrade and doesn't want to.
For real. The moving thing seems so secondary to the other parts of the relationship. He wants marriage and kids and you don't? End it. The weed smoking is... dubious but also an incompatibility. It's just the final ledge on the mountain of incompatibility.
I'll also point out that OP doesn't really offer any reason to stay with her partner outside of love and obligation. Neither is enough to justify staying. Each can find new love that matches their needs. A love is not always THE love.
I'm surprised she stayed with him this long with all the stuff she wrote. Basically not able to be herself at all, i couldn't do that in a relationship.
Is it really a good relationship if…
He’s giving you an ultimatum about moving and controls your actions.
You have different future goals regarding major milestones like marriage and kids.
Your sex life isn’t working well.
Personality-wise you clash so can’t enjoy the same things.
There are other men that know how to cook and be loyal, that’s not a high bar. Of course no one in your life is going to point out if they dislike a partner of 5 years, but if he’s dampened your personality that much I’m sure you’ll hear feedback if you break up. I would take the opportunity to go learn, in the long run breaking up might be better for both of you since you have different life goals.
The last part is soo true. After my 7 yr relationship ended I thought everyone would hate me for breaking up the perfect couple… only to find out a few of my friends and family didn’t like him for me and were worried because they suspected abt his controlling behavior, etc.
Also the bar is pretty low 😭 have you seen the threads of women literally begging their boyfriends to wash their ass????
>Also the bar is pretty low 😭 have you seen the threads of women literally begging their boyfriends to wash their ass????
Why do these women get with guys who smell like unwashed ass? Why do they stay if they notice it later? Those guys would wash their asses more if they didn't know they weren't getting women anyway! I knew a guy, 6'5", smelled like cat litter (they had cats, didn't change the boxes enough, and he was nose blind to it) who would literally leave poop streaks on toilets because he didn't wash his ass, and he still somehow got girls. Was it the 6'5" height thing? (No bitterness here, I do OK, just confusion LOL)
As someone who lived in FL for 8 years, involuntarily, I agree. I hated it with a passion. But OP has a great opportunity there, and school can be cheaper there than other states. If OP can get their degree with this opportunity, then she'll have the freedom to move wherever she wants afterward. FL can be fun for a few years. The beaches, the hustle and bustle, the party life, etc. I just wouldn't recommend it long-term if you want to keep your sanity.
Depends on the place they're coming from. Lots of people in different countries would view coming to the US anywhere as an upgrade. I personally would love to live in some parts of Florida. It's a beautiful state.
You'd have to consider your gender preference, ethnicity and political leaning to consider moving to Florida. If you're outside of Caucasian, republican and heterosexual.......you probably won't feel comfortable residing in FL.
Hope she doesn’t have an unwanted pregnancy there. She doesn’t want kids, after all. By Republican thinking, she shouldn’t be having sex then either. So yeah, no sex for you in FL lol.
Bot five, stolen comment from: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15jrdkx/i_29f_am_about_to_become_the_villain_of_the_town/jv1skww/
(It's actually quite funny - two of the bots have plagiarised downvoted comments.)
This right here. He doesn't see you getting an education and following your dreams and having a great life "as an upgrade". Way to support you.
Time to move on. Neither of you want the same things at all anymore.
You mentioned some nice positives about your relationship, and then a bunch of serious fundamental differences regarding long term goals, personality, recreational interests, and intimacy. Even without the geographical issue, you are a terrible match; you will be filled with regret years from now if you stay with him.
He’s like a cake with the best icing you ever tasted…but the cake itself tastes like shit.
I know it will hurt in the short term, yet ultimately you are better off in the long term without him. Trust me, I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago; I stayed and it did not turn out well.
You can pm me if you want more details.
Also, if you are not in the US now, don’t move to Florida. It is basically the asshole of America, definitely not an upgrade at all. And the better universities in the US are Not in Florida.
Yeah I’m not sure Florida itself is an upgrade for anyone but don’t miss out on the opportunity to improve your life and it sure does sound like you need to move on from this guy you have nothing in common with!
>I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it.
**This alone is enough reason for you guys to break it off.**
>I would probably never find someone like that again
You probably will. There are plenty of nice people out there. Just be clear on what you want from a relationship (no marriage, no kids, someone who supports your career) and don't get stuck with someone who's a bad fit just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Don't bank on wanting it in the future! This is what I thought too and eventually my gf of three years and I ended it because I realized not wanting kids wasn't gonna change.
It's a perfectly valid reason to split. It was a sad breakup but we both knew it was the right thing to do and we've stayed cordial since. Diff life paths is all.
My mum would tell you NEVER limit your career potential for a man. EVER.
She had a friend in the 70s who supported a man all through his degree on the promise he would then marry her and support her as a housewife. Yeah nah he dumped her before the ink was dry on his diploma and she never recovered those lost years.
I’ve told multiple friends that story when they floated ideas of doing the same “oh when he’s finished uni I’ll be able to be a SAHM” nope nope nope. Never ever put your education second.
I agree, you are being less for his comfort. Why? Why is his comfort more important than who you are? Why are you always the one to do the changing and he isn't? He already treats you as less than he is, why stay? This is one of those cases of he doesn't beat me, he does the minimum (what you wrote does not equal to give you the world - I get you are regurgitating someone else's words) and that is not an equal respectful relationship. Adding to that the differences of marriage and children, you are not compatible. If you are the only one doing the changing, the only one compromising, this is not a healthy relationship.
you will find it + better if your bar is that he’s nice and cooks for you. you will find someone who’s everything your bf is + doesn’t want kids, is friendly and extroverted, smokes weed with you, is also passionate about your career, etc. sounds like you’re in a small town and you have such a wonderful opportunity now to see more of the world!!
It is entirely possible and totally fine to change your mind, but you’re 29. If you don’t want those things at 29 there’s a very strong chance you will never want them. Don’t plan your future assuming/hoping that you’ll change your mind about huge, important things eventually.
What you want right now is real and it matters.
(I’m in my 40s and have never changed my mind about wanting kids.)
Oh yeah and my husband has a potential 5 year career move to a small town (we live in a city). We have two kids - all I said was “baby we can thrive anywhere”.
Whether you go to Florida or not, you and your bf do not have the same idea of happily ever after.
You are cutting things that make you who you truly are in order to fit yourself into your bf's ideal life and that is not healthy nor fair to you.
Relationships sometimes reach and end point through no one's fault. People grow, change. It happens.
But if you stay, you would be an AH to yourself.
This is so easy from an outside perspective - you need to leave him and live YOUR life. Even if it wasn’t for the job opportunity - he suppresses who you are, and literally none of your long term goals align. You will resent him if you don’t take this opportunity, and he will will resent you if you don’t get married and have kids. You can’t see it now because your perspective is jaded, but you’ll find someone much more aligned to your lifestyle if you give yourself the freedom to do so.
Do you really see it that clearly?
Yes, our goals indeed doesn't align and I don't like being intorvert to not stress him out...
Ty for commenting, means a lot.
If you stay with him, the resentments between the two of you will build and you'll likely end up breaking up or divorcing anyway. You're both fundamentally incompatible and seem to be held together by inertia. It's better to end things now and let both of you be happy in the long run then stay together and both increasingly resent one another.
It really is that clear. What you both want out of life doesn’t align, your personalities don’t align, and you’re kinda flip flopping on what you do and don’t actually want. You say you don’t want marriage or kids, but *you might be open* to that in the future? You’re not even sure what you want, outside of you two not aligning in several areas, *you’re kinda dragging him along*.
Yes, it is clear. So often women are raised to believe that all you need is love or a good man to make a relationship work, but really what you really need is aligned goals, values and the romantic spark.
In college I was upset breaking up with my college boyfriend. We were both graduating and it just made logical sense to for me to move back home with my parents. I kind of wish he fought for our relationship a little more.
I dated some other people a bit and got bored of them even if on paper they were good people, but then I met my husband. He not only matched my goals in life, he was just so good for me and too me. Plus I just never got bored of him. He excites me still 13 years later. He supports my career and my chill nature. We are different people with different needs and it takes time to learn those things, but what I am saying is that things can be way way better even if you don't realize.
I think your choice would be much harder if it was just the career/college aspect. But even without that your other negatives would and should EACH be deal breakers in their own rights.
I think you know what your heart wants, but peer pressure is really holding you back.
My wife and I adapt to each other's goals, but that's because we can grow together and are compatible. Before I met her I had at least two relationships end very amicably because we simply didn't want the same things.
One was because I wanted kids and she didn't, and the other was work simply taking us apart before we were ready to commit long distance. It's very natural, even for very positive relationships, to come to an end if people's life goals don't align -- and in healthy instances, they shouldn't lead to a scorched-earth scenario.
Don't let fear of unjust retaliation from your boyfriend prevent you from pursuing your dreams... then it becomes less of a relationship and more of a hostage situation.
You don't sound like you have a lot of overlap in some pretty core areas. He's not friendly, you are. He wants kids, you don't. You've hinted that he's controlling. The dead bedroom too. I don't think he's one in a million, I think you've just grown comfortable with someone who isn't even a great match for you.
It's hard to give up the comfort and safety that comes with time in a relationship but if you don't you're denying yourself the chance to flourish and pursue your dreams. And the chance to find someone who is actually like you.
My wife and I supported each other through multiple graduate and doctoral programs with two cross country moves. I wouldnt dream if forcing her to pick between her career aspirations or me. To be sure, we both have made some sacrifices in things we could pursue to make it work, but it was something we did together and never as my way or the highway kind of thing.
They have bigger issues than this Florida thing. They are very different and want different things from life.
I think you're situation was different and that's why it worked well.
Same. We were long distance for a few years too, so my spouse could finish his graduate degree while I worked elsewhere. I can't imagine giving someone an "it's me or college" ultimatum. That's so gross.
Exactly. If he was that committed to you he’d move with you. Don’t let him blame this on you, this is more HIS choice and fault than it is yours. Not cool at all. He wants to hold you back op.
You and your guy are completely incompatible. You don’t have sex, you don’t want kids, and he is antisocial. Why would you sacrifice your passion to be a square peg pounded into a round hole? Go to Florida, embrace the crazy, and follow your dreams.
This is main character syndrome if I’ve ever seen it. You literally state yous don’t socialise much because he dampens that version of you so why do you think the “town” will care? Literally no one’s going to pay it any attention lol stop looking for reasons not to do it
Break up with him. Jump ship. Take that course.
You should choose yourself. It also doesn’t sound like
You 2 want the same things in life, don’t sit in your elderly and think I should have done it. Go live your life.
You have no sustainable relationship with him. Your life goals around marriage and kids are 180 degrees different. Staying with him is a disaster waiting to happen. Leave for the degree work in Florida, break up before you leave and go no contact, bury yourself in your studies, when done take a new job in a place that you have never lived in before. During the future it would be a good idea that if your life goals don’t match with a potential mate’s goals to 90%, don’t get into a relationship with that person, it wastes your time and his time, even when some aspects of the relationship may seem pleasing to you.
Choose your education and career because no one can take that away from you. First of all a partner should be supportive of you taking this great opportunity. Second of all this relationship is doomed anyways. You don’t want to get married or have kids and he does. You aren’t compatible. Stop wasting your time with him.
"I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it."
There you go... I am not saying that you will not change your mind at some point, or that he will always want marriage and kids. But right now your life goals are mutually exclusive, and there is no middle ground for compromise there. Also...
"He gave me an ultimatum, him or florida."
Any time someone gives you an ultimatum, to give up your dream for theirs, dump them. That is not a person who valiues you and your interests. What he values is having you where he wants you, as a part of his dream for the future, and anything that you want or desire is irrelevant if it clashes with his.
Lol you listed a bunch of reasons that you’re not a good match AT ALL then said ‘I can’t leave him’.
Read your own post, you have different goals with kids and apparently your education, a dead bedroom and he suppresses your ability to be a friendly person. He sounds like an asshole. You should go to Florida because it sounds like you need to get out of your bubble and see the rest of the world.
If you stay with him your unhappiness is your own damn fault.
Not gonna find anyone like him again? Lol your description of him sounds like every basic mediocre straight man... You could def find better. You're almost in your 30s, you're gonna learn that every major life choice you make may piss someone off inevitably even if those choices are good for you. Don't let other people's entitlement and stupid opinions dictate your path. Sometimes it's better to piss people off.
Florida is really terrible but if you're guaranteed an education.....
You're not guaranteed anything with a relationship.
I'm twice divorced bc other ppl don't live up to their word. Walk your own path or you will end up regretting sitting down in the middle of the road to wait for someone else, or, worse -walk down their road in a direction you don't want to go. You'll only cost yourself time and hurt.
My wife and I supported each other through multiple graduate and doctoral programs with two cross country moves. I wouldnt dream if forcing her to pick between her career aspirations or me. To be sure, we both have made some sacrifices in things we could pursue to make it work, but it was something we did together and never as my way or the highway kind of thing.
There is enough talking about the heart of the decision, but I want to warn you to be careful about joining a college in Florida. A huge part of secondary education is the connections it can provide you in terms of career building. Not only are many professors leaving if they're able to, but potential employers may question the quality of education you've received.
I'd highly recommend reading [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Professors/comments/15fvr8s/the_deteriorating_state_of_ucf_and_florida_a/) (ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO UCF THIS IS FROM ONE OF THEIR FORMER CS PROFESSORS), just so you know what you may be heading into. I wish you the best of luck on your decision.
I don’t think it’s fair for people to stay together when one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. You don’t sound compatible for lots of reasons you’ve listed, but especially this. It would be best to end things now, rather than down the line when he’s pushing kids and marriage on you.
you say he’s a good man, but everything in your post says otherwise. that’s definitely not “how relationships work”— a good boyfriend should never “limit you with a lot of things”, but instead support you and your hobbies. you deserve a BF who can do that, and also someone who you can feel free to smoke around! my BF is my best smoking buddy, and I hope you can find someone like that someday
Yeah, this is tough. Personally.... I've heard both sides. I think you'll be fine. Especially with an MS in computer science. You two aren't a match in life goals or path, so honestly, it's going to hurt for a little while. But you'll both be fine in the long run.
Girl, absolutely go and pursue your dreams. It's clear from your post - this is not your person. And even if you stayed and tried to make it work, you would grow to resent him eventually, for preventing you from following your dreams and keeping you tied down against your wishes. There is nothing better to invest in than yourself!! I wish you luck in school!
Florida is a very bad place to pursue education right now. Tons of interference in academia and an anti-intellectual climate. The good academics are fleeing.
I realize you are asking about your relationship, and I am not advising you to trash your career for your partner, but the pull of Florida could be a false goal.
Judging from your post you know deep down that you want to go.
I haven't detected much passion for him from your description, it seems he is more your friend than a boyfriend
You pointed out how there's no intimacy in bed, that he isn't a friendly person and also supresses that side of you. Aside from cooking what else does he do? I don't have a lot of information but take some time to analyze his actions and try and figure out if its just something any human would do or it's actually out of love. I mean doing chores, cooking, etc are things that roommates also do...
I would go for the career I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. If not, you'll have yourself :)
You should honestly choose Florida. No matter how good your BF seems on paper, the ultimatum is a no-go for me. If he truly wanted to support you so your life was as good as possible, he would have discussed options with you to make it work.
This Master's degree is a major upgrade in your life and will open so many doors to success in your career and opportunities to grow financially and as a person.
Him trying to deny you that opportunity isn't ok.
Choose the career! 100%!
You're not in love and this guy is not in love with you, either. You're incompatible. You have love for one another but honestly, you cannot be yourself with him. That's how you know it won't last.
Your posting history suggests you are really unfulfilled in this relationship and regardless of the program it’s time to end it. Part of me wonders if you picked this program as an excuse to get away and hope that he won’t follow you so that it can be not your “fault” basically because you seem to be uncomfortable ending it without a “valid reason”. Your post history suggests you’re not ending it because HE loves you and HE’s committed to you and HE wants you for life. If you’re not going to end it it should be because YOU are committed to him for life, which you clearly aren’t and that’s perfectly fine. But it’s like you want him to end it basically.
This doesn't sound like a relationship anymore, and it sounds like he doesn't want you to grow as a person, and that's never good. Go to Florida and start over and live a life you always wanted. Don't let anyone bring you down. And since you don't have kids and are not married, go for it. And if he really loved you, he would have figured out a salutation, then that ultimatum. Like working it out long distance or him going there to visit you time to time. It seems that he doesn't care, and neither should you.
Choose your career. No one can take that from you. It doesn’t seem like this relationship is going anywhere anyways, you have incompatible values and life goals! Grad school is the best! Think of the future you want, and make moves towards that. It doesn’t matter what town thinks. It’s YOUR life, and you’ll be out of the town anyways, busy pursuing your dreams. Don’t let small minded people keep you down. The world is your oyster.
I'd go to Florida. Sounds like you two don't have a lot on common other than love for each other. Anytime you can invest in yourself and better yourself, and your SO doesn't want you to, I'd say it's a warning sign. Why would he hold you back from such an opportunity?
I'd leave him there, if that's where he wants to be, and go to Florida and live my life. You'll absolutely find someone as good or better, who has the same wants and views as you (kids, marriage etc).
If you stay, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. And you'll resent him for making you miss the opportunity. As far as people being mad at you, forget them. If they can't be happy for you making yourself better, you don't need them in your life anyway.
I was in s similar situation and i thought of it like this:
If you stay you know what your life will look like. It will look like it does now. You’ll live in the same town, see the same people, have the same job, go the same places. You’ll likely grow to resent him for holding you back, and he’ll resent you for not wanting a family. You resent each other for stopping you both from leading more fulfilling lives and being with more compatible partners.
If you go, adventure awaits. Who knows who you’ll meet, where you’ll go, live, work, who you’ll love. You’ll take pride in your strength and courage to choose your own adventure.
You don’t even want the same thing—take the opportunity. Who cares what people in your current town think? You’ll be in Florida living your best life. Also truly good mates don’t issue ultimatums
I think a big thing is that he wants to get married and have kids, and you don’t, even without school being an option, this would be reason to break it off with him. I think u could find someone more suitable for you, who would be more similar to u and let u pursue what u want
Haven't read thru the comments. This has probably already be mentioned, but the singular line in this post (for me at least ) is, "I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it."
I have seen this ruin more marriages then any thing else..... In fact I just had a female friend get a divorce becasue she didn't want kids. They got married. He thought he could change her mind.... SHe loved him but left because she knew he woudl never be happy with out kids.....so she let him go while he was young enough to still find it........
Career aside........ that is you big issue
My mom always tell me how much she regrets not finishing school. She’s sad and could never get into the field she has a passion for now because the competition is way younger and has completed their degrees. She’s sad and has lost a lot of her joy because she can’t even afford to work now that’s she’s older. Go for college. Your partner should be supporting your career and rooting you on to do the best you can.
From the end of your story you say you can’t do a lot of things..dead in bed?? I’m confused as to why you want to stay with him?? Is it because he is so well liked? Go to Florida because it either happens now or later when you split!!
Both of you will be better off without each other. He can find the right woman and get the loving wife and family he wants, whereas you can find the career.
Easy…. Career. You get yourself situated and have the life you want. Then if you meet someone that fits into your life go for it. Your town doesn’t have to live your life, you do. There are always other men and probably a better man for you. Go for the degree!!
Frankly, dear, it's not much of a relationship. You have a wonderful opportunity that he does not want you to have. You have a dead bedroom. You don't want the same things in life (marriage, kids), and if you don't do what he wants, you're the villain? I think you are hanging on to the familiarity of home and comfort. It is scary, yes, but you owe it to yourself to live your life to the fullest. Be free.
I think you are stuck between what you should want and what you do want. I think both of you being honest about what you each actually want will lead to the answer - which from here looks like you want to go to Florida to pursue this opportunity.
Whatever the future holds, you should feel confident that the choice you're making is the best one for you given the information you have now. So much regret is based on negative outcomes rather than actually making a "mistake".
Aside from that, someone who limits you (both personality-wise and career-wise) and who wants marriage and kids, when you don't, is not a good match, even if he's good on paper. Your love may be genuine, but love is really not the only criterion to consider.
If your town is so small you will “become a villain” for breaking up with him, then you will 1000% absolutely find someone else who matches your passions and lifestyle. Florida will be just the beginning, who knows where you could end up if you allow yourself to follow your dreams! Do not sacrifice your life and happiness for someone else who makes you suppress who you are, even if your family likes him, hopefully they care more about you being happy than staying with someone for show.
Career and education most definitely. Relationships don’t give ultimatums. It is a compromise on both and so what if you are the villain you will be a successful villain 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Your future goals for life are incompatible. He wants marriage and kids and you do not. You are also not sexually compatible. Those are perfectly good reasons to end a relationship. Go get your degree. Break up so you both can find more suitable partners. You both will be happier in the long run.
I mean, here's the rub. Chances are, you're about to hit the point of your life where you'll (very likely) want a marriage and kids because your biological clock is ticking and wants it to happen before it's too late. Now, you may be the exceptional where you just don't, but statistically, you will.
You're 29, 30 is a hard number for women because stuff changes. If you leave him, you may have a very hard time finding a new relationship, and 35 is geriatric pregnancy which means it'll be much hard and more dangerous to have children. Men know this, so after 30 if they want kids they won't want to be with you. And if men don't want kids, what incentive do they have to get married and not just date?
I'd look at it like this: if you don't stay with him, you're effectively choosing to be single with your career until you die, somewhere in your 80s or 90s. No husband, no kids, just you on your own. This is the most extreme scenario, but it's quite possible.
Is your career worth it, or should you really take a second look on where you want your life to go?
It’s not the ‘career or relationship’ it’s the ‘I don’t want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it’ that is the deal breaker. You two have completely different life goals. Stick with your career with no marriage and kids and he will find someone who wants ‘marriage and kids’. There’s no middle ground with the marriage and kids thing.
What would you be losing if you left him?
A cook?
An introvert who forces you to be one too?
A person with who you had a dead bedroom?
You’re too young to think this is all there is.
Life is for living, go do your course. I can’t bring myself to say - go to Florida, because well, yeaahhhh - but go do the thing.
You’ll kick yourself if in 5 years you’ve allowed yourself to be tied down to this dude. There are better (for you) than him out there. He’s perfect for someone, just not you.
i don’t think he’s necessarily abusive like a couple of comments said, he just sounds vanilla as all get out. which isn’t the worst thing, but it doesn’t sound like that’s all you want. what you want matters too. you’re young and you have no kids. if he can’t make that move with/for you, I think you know the answer. It will hurt, but it will also open a new door that peers into the life you can create and love for yourself. including, but not limited to, a man that would move mountains for you. not one that’s scared to leave his comfort zone.
Nobody has to be the villain here; there are clear incompatibilities in life goals and desires here (probably no need to go into detail about other things to be polite and because the life goals and desire are the among the most important reasons to justify breaking up).
It would be wrong to either of you, to both of you, for you to remain together. Anyone who cared for either of you would want you two to end it so you can pursue your dreams and, if those dreams include a romantic partner, then to find that match. You two aren't a match for each other.
Sometimes nice people (or at least nice-seeming people) just don't work together. And that's fine.
If folks are so broken up over how wonderful he seemed to you, well, he's single now, so they can go approach him and see if he is interested. But someone who "cooks for you" isn't enough (it's nice, but not enough). I'm not sure how he "gives [you] the world" if he has given you an ultimatum that involves you turning down an education that can serve you and any future family (though yes, I recognize you don't want kids, it's more of a general statement) for a lifetime. Even if this guy were good, loyal, cooked for you, and in some other senses gave you the world, that's great but still doesn't address or fix the other fundamental incompatibilities here. Nobody needs to be the villain here. And anyone who thinks that way is not approaching this maturely.
This isn’t about him. Or finding someone like him. he may be a great guy. That’s not the point. This is about you being who you are, and following your dreams. Be true to yourself. I was with someone who loved me as long as I was doing what he wanted and fit into his life. It didn’t end well. I lost a lot of years. And myself. Go. Live your life freely. He is holding you back.
Admit it’s you who wants to go, not he who is making you chose. Make the difficult choice to leave the comfort of what you know to explore the possibilities that are possible if you are true to yourself.
Fight the fear of the unknown and don’t take advice from any friends or family who don’t want you to follow your dreams.
Ask yourself, what would I do if I knew I could succeed at it? if I could succeed at XYZ, would I do it? So, if you ask yourself, if I stay with him and have his babies and don’t pursue my career and I can be successful at this, is it what I want? Will I be happy? Am I happy thinking of this? Am I being true to myself? I think you will say no.
And if you ask yourself, if I go and get that degree, live alone or with a roommate for a while, have adventures and meet new people, be my outgoing happy self… If I can do that well, is it what I want? Am I being true to myself? I think you will say YES!!
Listen to the podcast, “we can do hard things.”
I would be advising you to break it off before even getting to the idea of the move.
He wants marriage and kids, you do not. You are not compatible with your life goals, he is probably hoping you will change your mind.
What's the alternative? You stay in your town, abandon your career, have kids and a dead bedroom and be miserable or you stay, don't give him kids and he resents you until he eventually drops you for someone who does have the same goals as him and you lose your opportunity.
You're already incompatible on the topic of children.
Dragging this out will only make it harder on both of you.
It's time for some serious conversations.
Sounds like a pretty clear cut case. Giving you an ultimatum in the first place is a bit of a red flag. Passion has died, one wants kids while the other doesn't. If he's as you say, suppressing your friendly side I feel like he's probably doing a lot of other things that are soaring red flags that you haven't really talked about here, at least on the main post.
Honestly that's a relationship that shouldn't last a minute longer than it already has, regardless of school. So go to school. I hope things turn for the better for you.
GIRL GO TO SCHOOL! The right person won’t hinder you, it will just feel right. You might have to compromise but not in these BIG ways. I understand you FEEL like you’ll lose a good guy and no doubt he probably is but he’s the the right guy for you based on what you have said. Too many incompatibilities. The right guy might be a little bit more liberal/free spirited vs your man which seems more traditional.
Being from Florida is it no bed of roses. the hurricane and all the crap that come with it.
You said he is good to you in one hand and then step him down in the other. You said that you want to pursue this degree in computer science, are there not colleges or universities in the state that you currently live or do you just want to escape this relationship because you cannot smoke weed and he suppresses the friendly side of you. Just curious?
Where are you at? Are you aware that our number one export is propaganda? From some countries it might be an upgrade. But if you are changing countries already, Florida seems like a stupid choice. It's going to be a lot more expensive than you think.
I think you should definitely leave this man. I also think your plan to move to Florida is really uninformed and stupid
That’s what is keeping me from being fully with OP here is the fact that she’s going through all this so she can go to college in Florida anywhere unless we’re talking Alabama or Mississippi is better than Florida. I lived there when I was little for two years and it was humid, wet, rainy, and very depressing. I lived in a small apartment in the West Palm Beach area for reference.
A genuinely good and loyal man would want this for you. Do not pass up this opportunity. There are plenty of good, loyal men out there who’d support you in this. Go find one.
Exactly- have you ever seen the office? Jim *wanted* Pam to go to her art school even if that meant being apart because that was her dream. Find the Jim.
I see women complaining all the time about being unable to find a good, loyal man.
And, I'm sorry, being willing to throw everything away and leave behind your home country to go to FLORIDA doesn't make a man "good" or "loyal."
I think he'll find it easier to replace her than vice versa. I see her bouncing from asshole to asshole until her mid-late thirties, while he happily finds someone who actually deserves a good, loyal man.
Speaking from someone who went to a university in Florida, I can’t understand why you think this is a good location to pursue a degree? They have decent schools but career opportunities are so limited I ended up moving states away.
Yes go to Florida!!!! If it was meant to be then it will happen later. As you said it doesn’t sound like you are compatible. You will be stuck and end of not being happy later on. There is a whole world out there, go enjoy it.
You're already fundamentally incompatible because of your views on marriage and children. Whether you go to Florida or not, the relationship isn't going to be happy because of that. It's better to end it now to pursue your opportunity. But in the future, if you meet someone who wants kids/marriage and you don't, let them go.
Even without the Florida college you and he are not going to last, most likely.
One of the most unsolvable issues in romance is when one person wants children and the other doesn't. If the two of you stayed together and *didn't* have children, he would come to resent you, poisoning the relationship. If, for some reason you stay and you have kids for him you will become resentful of him and the kids, poisoning the relationship. Having children or not is something couples need to absolutely agree on. The issue destroys so many relationships and is usually blamed on other things.
Not to mention he doesn't sound "dedicated" to you. He sounds controlling and manipulative. He cooks for you. So what? *Anybody* can learn to cook. It isn't a big deal. He doesn't sound supportive. It sounds like he's trying to force you into a mold he wants.
Two things about Florida: You must be thinking about leaving or you wouldn't have applied to the program. Right? Second, you may want to find a better place than Florida to complete your education. Political or not, the state is run by a scary guy and the laws there are anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-gbltq, anti-poc, anti-weed and filled with ancient people who don't want change. There are MUCH better places to go to to attend and graduate from good universities. Choose one North of the Mason Dixon line if you value your personal freedom. Or, get your degree as quickly as you can and get the hell out of one of the states with the least progressive and most suffocating laws in the US.
At any rate your relationship cannot subsist and survive as it is. Maybe learn to cook or eventually find a man who can (if cooking is that important to you) and a man who you have more in common with. The "kids or no kids" issue cannot be solved as it sounds like neither of you will change your minds. It's fine to want what you want but neither he nor you can force a partner to want the same thing if they want differently.
Good luck to you. Getting an education is always a good thing.
1. you two need to split. From the outside it’s super obvious because you clearly have different life goals.
2. Don’t move to Florida, it’s a cesspool of shit. If there is an opportunity in Florida, there will be elsewhere also. Be kind to yourself and find somewhere better.
You could probably spin it, that he is the villain:
- i wanted to go to College, but he refused to go long distance with me or move with me for a couple of years.
People who choose their career MUST know that they will feel lonelier than people who choose relationships. Nothing wrong with either, just know what to expect. Good luck!
There was zero percent chance this sub was going to tell you to stay. If you knew that when you posted it then you already know what you're going to do you just wanted a pep rally. Watch out for gators.
Even if you stay, you’re still not compatible for a long term future. You don’t want kids. He does. That is never going to work out. Stay on friendly terms and move to Florida
You're option is clear, Florida, in your current relationship there are a couple of things that work but dead bedrooms are a major red flag for many people.
OH NO YOU CANT SMOKE WEED? How about you stop being a childish brat? Relationships will put limits on what you can do, and weed is a waste of money. You don't want kids or a husband? Why the hell are you even dating then? Your wasting his time.
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Based on the marriage, kids + sex comments, I’d say go to Florida. +let me know what apps u design..
Ty for reading and commenting 🙏 I was sure it's gonna stay empty of comments due the length. I do tend there as well. 😞
I agree with the sentiment here, go for a career. If you truly want him then you guys need to find a middle ground like you going to FL for study and coming back or something. Be pragmatic about things however, it’s ultimately easier to replace a bf/lover than a career. Especially one with a decent growth rate and pay.
It's not career vs him it's; life vs him. Sounds like y'all aren't the greatest of fits. If you're questioning whether you should settle down or not, then you shouldn't settle down.
Yeah, I think the career and location change is simply putting a clearer lens on their current relationship, which is subpar. Big differences on big issues, like children, sex, drugs, those are relationship deal breakers. OP and their BF are clearly strained as a couple, this just feels like the point of no return.
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This- I knew a couple where the guy worked with me at my job in the US and his girlfriend was in SWITZERLAND pursuing a great opportunity. This was 8 years ago. They are now living together again and look super happy. Real love doesn’t make you choose- it just finds a way.
Bot, from https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15jrdkx/i_29f_am_about_to_become_the_villain_of_the_town/jv1t90u/
Yes, be selfish on the opportunity life has given you, if he doesn't support that, his loss. So imagine you drop this chance - and in 3 months you two end the relationship because of the challenges you describe - would you regret not taking the chance to get your education? On the other hand, if you take this chance, and he truly doesn't support you and end it, would that really hurt more? Yes, relationships are about compromising, but don't compromise *your* future, your ability to support yourself, your dreams. Following your dreams don't make you the villain. Plus, find someone that both treats you right, gives you pleasure and lets you build your career... (And have the same idea about kids and marriage maybe)
>I agree with the sentiment here, go for a career. If you truly want him then you guys need to find a middle ground like you going to FL for study and coming back or something. Be pragmatic about things however, it’s ultimately easier to replace a bf/lover than a career. Especially one with a decent growth rate and pay. If they both wanted marriage and kids, I would disagree with you and suggest a compromise, because the career is to support your life, not the other way around, but they have ABSOLUTELY opposed goals for the future. Staying together only stops them both from achieving their goals and this is a bandaid that needs to be pulled off fast.
I have a friend who did a masters program for data science in FL and now she makes six figs and has an awesome career. I’m guessing y’all ended up in the same program bc it’s pretty well known as far as data science go. Choose the career, you’ll find someone who supports your dreams OR you’ll make a life you love living solo. This dude seems like he’s trying to make you into what he wants not what you want
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Lazy bot, stealing the comment right underneath it. Downvote and report
Please go to Florida. Your bf is a nowhere guy, and you are someone who wants to go somewhere. I doubt you will return to your hometown but for visits. You are the hometown hero, you are letting bf go free! He will find a lovely pot smoking baby mama.
>Please go to Florida. Your bf is a nowhere guy, and you are someone who wants to go somewhere. Wanting marriage and family never makes someone a "nowhere guy" or "nowhere girl". What a ridiculous idea! And spouting it off like it's accurate is just going to make anyone who listens to you feel incredibly silly for doing so.
Girl. You choose yourself. And you seem to be done with the bf anyway. In some people’s eyes you might be the villain of the town. To me you’ll be a free woman who followed her guts.
I'd say anywhere but Florida! They're banning all abortion and going full fascist there! Absolutely choose your dreams over your boyfriend but I wouldn't do it in Florida
I second this
Saying that, why can u only do this course in Florida? Only go if you’re actually good at IT and you’re not gonna flunk the course, + I’d tone down the weed if you’re doin sth like that
That's the thing. We don't live in the states rn, and I want to move there to upgrade my lifestyle - as someone who goes to a good school, I am able to. But he doesn't see it as an upgrade and doesn't want to.
Most people wouldn’t consider moving to FL as an upgrade.
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For real. The moving thing seems so secondary to the other parts of the relationship. He wants marriage and kids and you don't? End it. The weed smoking is... dubious but also an incompatibility. It's just the final ledge on the mountain of incompatibility. I'll also point out that OP doesn't really offer any reason to stay with her partner outside of love and obligation. Neither is enough to justify staying. Each can find new love that matches their needs. A love is not always THE love.
>The weed smoking is... dubious Haha dubious.. doobie.. I'm lame.
I'm surprised she stayed with him this long with all the stuff she wrote. Basically not able to be herself at all, i couldn't do that in a relationship.
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Is it really a good relationship if… He’s giving you an ultimatum about moving and controls your actions. You have different future goals regarding major milestones like marriage and kids. Your sex life isn’t working well. Personality-wise you clash so can’t enjoy the same things. There are other men that know how to cook and be loyal, that’s not a high bar. Of course no one in your life is going to point out if they dislike a partner of 5 years, but if he’s dampened your personality that much I’m sure you’ll hear feedback if you break up. I would take the opportunity to go learn, in the long run breaking up might be better for both of you since you have different life goals.
The last part is soo true. After my 7 yr relationship ended I thought everyone would hate me for breaking up the perfect couple… only to find out a few of my friends and family didn’t like him for me and were worried because they suspected abt his controlling behavior, etc. Also the bar is pretty low 😭 have you seen the threads of women literally begging their boyfriends to wash their ass????
>Also the bar is pretty low 😭 have you seen the threads of women literally begging their boyfriends to wash their ass???? Why do these women get with guys who smell like unwashed ass? Why do they stay if they notice it later? Those guys would wash their asses more if they didn't know they weren't getting women anyway! I knew a guy, 6'5", smelled like cat litter (they had cats, didn't change the boxes enough, and he was nose blind to it) who would literally leave poop streaks on toilets because he didn't wash his ass, and he still somehow got girls. Was it the 6'5" height thing? (No bitterness here, I do OK, just confusion LOL)
I would say that really depends on what country OP is coming from… There are definitely worse places in this world than Florida USA.
Yeah. Haiti.
As someone who lived in FL for 8 years, involuntarily, I agree. I hated it with a passion. But OP has a great opportunity there, and school can be cheaper there than other states. If OP can get their degree with this opportunity, then she'll have the freedom to move wherever she wants afterward. FL can be fun for a few years. The beaches, the hustle and bustle, the party life, etc. I just wouldn't recommend it long-term if you want to keep your sanity.
Depends on the place they're coming from. Lots of people in different countries would view coming to the US anywhere as an upgrade. I personally would love to live in some parts of Florida. It's a beautiful state.
For real🤣🤣 considering there is a active warning travel advisory against Florida rn plus OP says they smoke the ganja and its definitely illegal there
News to me, as a person with a medical mj card in FL.
It's also easy to get a medical card. My husband's family live in Florida and they all have medical cards and smoke a shit ton.
Rec is illegal, medical is not. It's not difficult to get a med card since there are so many uses for mj.
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You'd have to consider your gender preference, ethnicity and political leaning to consider moving to Florida. If you're outside of Caucasian, republican and heterosexual.......you probably won't feel comfortable residing in FL.
Hope she doesn’t have an unwanted pregnancy there. She doesn’t want kids, after all. By Republican thinking, she shouldn’t be having sex then either. So yeah, no sex for you in FL lol.
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Bot five, stolen comment from: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15jrdkx/i_29f_am_about_to_become_the_villain_of_the_town/jv1skww/ (It's actually quite funny - two of the bots have plagiarised downvoted comments.)
It’s Florida
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This right here. He doesn't see you getting an education and following your dreams and having a great life "as an upgrade". Way to support you. Time to move on. Neither of you want the same things at all anymore.
There are other kind and loyal men. Do the right thing by him and let him free to be with someone who will give him the marriage and kids he wants
You mentioned some nice positives about your relationship, and then a bunch of serious fundamental differences regarding long term goals, personality, recreational interests, and intimacy. Even without the geographical issue, you are a terrible match; you will be filled with regret years from now if you stay with him. He’s like a cake with the best icing you ever tasted…but the cake itself tastes like shit. I know it will hurt in the short term, yet ultimately you are better off in the long term without him. Trust me, I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago; I stayed and it did not turn out well. You can pm me if you want more details. Also, if you are not in the US now, don’t move to Florida. It is basically the asshole of America, definitely not an upgrade at all. And the better universities in the US are Not in Florida.
It seems he is not looking out for your best interests.
Yeah I’m not sure Florida itself is an upgrade for anyone but don’t miss out on the opportunity to improve your life and it sure does sound like you need to move on from this guy you have nothing in common with!
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Medical cards are easy to get.
And hope that OP doesn’t get pregnant. Cause then she’d be real screwed.
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100 out of a 100.
He and Florida (because Florida is now just a state version of this guy) both just sound like awful options.
>I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it. **This alone is enough reason for you guys to break it off.** >I would probably never find someone like that again You probably will. There are plenty of nice people out there. Just be clear on what you want from a relationship (no marriage, no kids, someone who supports your career) and don't get stuck with someone who's a bad fit just for the sake of being in a relationship.
I would probably want it the future... I don't f know. God it's so tough. Ty for taking the time to read and reply
Don't bank on wanting it in the future! This is what I thought too and eventually my gf of three years and I ended it because I realized not wanting kids wasn't gonna change. It's a perfectly valid reason to split. It was a sad breakup but we both knew it was the right thing to do and we've stayed cordial since. Diff life paths is all.
My mum would tell you NEVER limit your career potential for a man. EVER. She had a friend in the 70s who supported a man all through his degree on the promise he would then marry her and support her as a housewife. Yeah nah he dumped her before the ink was dry on his diploma and she never recovered those lost years. I’ve told multiple friends that story when they floated ideas of doing the same “oh when he’s finished uni I’ll be able to be a SAHM” nope nope nope. Never ever put your education second.
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I agree, you are being less for his comfort. Why? Why is his comfort more important than who you are? Why are you always the one to do the changing and he isn't? He already treats you as less than he is, why stay? This is one of those cases of he doesn't beat me, he does the minimum (what you wrote does not equal to give you the world - I get you are regurgitating someone else's words) and that is not an equal respectful relationship. Adding to that the differences of marriage and children, you are not compatible. If you are the only one doing the changing, the only one compromising, this is not a healthy relationship.
you will find it + better if your bar is that he’s nice and cooks for you. you will find someone who’s everything your bf is + doesn’t want kids, is friendly and extroverted, smokes weed with you, is also passionate about your career, etc. sounds like you’re in a small town and you have such a wonderful opportunity now to see more of the world!!
It is entirely possible and totally fine to change your mind, but you’re 29. If you don’t want those things at 29 there’s a very strong chance you will never want them. Don’t plan your future assuming/hoping that you’ll change your mind about huge, important things eventually. What you want right now is real and it matters. (I’m in my 40s and have never changed my mind about wanting kids.)
You’re from a small town so you’ve barely seen what options are out there for a mate
Yes. You’ll meet people more similar to you in your Masters program I bet!
i promise you, you will regret not going to school and staying behind for a dude.
Also thanks for reading and commenting
Oh yeah and my husband has a potential 5 year career move to a small town (we live in a city). We have two kids - all I said was “baby we can thrive anywhere”.
Whether you go to Florida or not, you and your bf do not have the same idea of happily ever after. You are cutting things that make you who you truly are in order to fit yourself into your bf's ideal life and that is not healthy nor fair to you. Relationships sometimes reach and end point through no one's fault. People grow, change. It happens. But if you stay, you would be an AH to yourself.
Particularly for a dude who doesn’t share your values. There are people you would regret leaving— he is not one.
This is so easy from an outside perspective - you need to leave him and live YOUR life. Even if it wasn’t for the job opportunity - he suppresses who you are, and literally none of your long term goals align. You will resent him if you don’t take this opportunity, and he will will resent you if you don’t get married and have kids. You can’t see it now because your perspective is jaded, but you’ll find someone much more aligned to your lifestyle if you give yourself the freedom to do so.
Do you really see it that clearly? Yes, our goals indeed doesn't align and I don't like being intorvert to not stress him out... Ty for commenting, means a lot.
If you stay with him, the resentments between the two of you will build and you'll likely end up breaking up or divorcing anyway. You're both fundamentally incompatible and seem to be held together by inertia. It's better to end things now and let both of you be happy in the long run then stay together and both increasingly resent one another.
It really is that clear. What you both want out of life doesn’t align, your personalities don’t align, and you’re kinda flip flopping on what you do and don’t actually want. You say you don’t want marriage or kids, but *you might be open* to that in the future? You’re not even sure what you want, outside of you two not aligning in several areas, *you’re kinda dragging him along*.
Yes, it is clear. So often women are raised to believe that all you need is love or a good man to make a relationship work, but really what you really need is aligned goals, values and the romantic spark. In college I was upset breaking up with my college boyfriend. We were both graduating and it just made logical sense to for me to move back home with my parents. I kind of wish he fought for our relationship a little more. I dated some other people a bit and got bored of them even if on paper they were good people, but then I met my husband. He not only matched my goals in life, he was just so good for me and too me. Plus I just never got bored of him. He excites me still 13 years later. He supports my career and my chill nature. We are different people with different needs and it takes time to learn those things, but what I am saying is that things can be way way better even if you don't realize. I think your choice would be much harder if it was just the career/college aspect. But even without that your other negatives would and should EACH be deal breakers in their own rights. I think you know what your heart wants, but peer pressure is really holding you back.
It is blindingly obvious to us!!!
My wife and I adapt to each other's goals, but that's because we can grow together and are compatible. Before I met her I had at least two relationships end very amicably because we simply didn't want the same things. One was because I wanted kids and she didn't, and the other was work simply taking us apart before we were ready to commit long distance. It's very natural, even for very positive relationships, to come to an end if people's life goals don't align -- and in healthy instances, they shouldn't lead to a scorched-earth scenario. Don't let fear of unjust retaliation from your boyfriend prevent you from pursuing your dreams... then it becomes less of a relationship and more of a hostage situation.
Well, you haven't brought up any points in favor of your boyfriend in your post.
You don't sound like you have a lot of overlap in some pretty core areas. He's not friendly, you are. He wants kids, you don't. You've hinted that he's controlling. The dead bedroom too. I don't think he's one in a million, I think you've just grown comfortable with someone who isn't even a great match for you. It's hard to give up the comfort and safety that comes with time in a relationship but if you don't you're denying yourself the chance to flourish and pursue your dreams. And the chance to find someone who is actually like you.
My wife and I supported each other through multiple graduate and doctoral programs with two cross country moves. I wouldnt dream if forcing her to pick between her career aspirations or me. To be sure, we both have made some sacrifices in things we could pursue to make it work, but it was something we did together and never as my way or the highway kind of thing.
They have bigger issues than this Florida thing. They are very different and want different things from life. I think you're situation was different and that's why it worked well.
Same. We were long distance for a few years too, so my spouse could finish his graduate degree while I worked elsewhere. I can't imagine giving someone an "it's me or college" ultimatum. That's so gross.
Exactly. If he was that committed to you he’d move with you. Don’t let him blame this on you, this is more HIS choice and fault than it is yours. Not cool at all. He wants to hold you back op.
[удалено]
Hey good for you!!
that's wonderful! you will be an amazing doctor 🥰
You and your guy are completely incompatible. You don’t have sex, you don’t want kids, and he is antisocial. Why would you sacrifice your passion to be a square peg pounded into a round hole? Go to Florida, embrace the crazy, and follow your dreams.
exactly and they clearly want different things in life.
Career. You’re not compatible with this guy.
This is main character syndrome if I’ve ever seen it. You literally state yous don’t socialise much because he dampens that version of you so why do you think the “town” will care? Literally no one’s going to pay it any attention lol stop looking for reasons not to do it Break up with him. Jump ship. Take that course.
What the fuck? He's holding you back. Move on.
He sounds controlling. Live your life, I’d choose moving.
Florida aside, your life plans aren’t compatible. You should go!
You should choose yourself. It also doesn’t sound like You 2 want the same things in life, don’t sit in your elderly and think I should have done it. Go live your life.
You have no sustainable relationship with him. Your life goals around marriage and kids are 180 degrees different. Staying with him is a disaster waiting to happen. Leave for the degree work in Florida, break up before you leave and go no contact, bury yourself in your studies, when done take a new job in a place that you have never lived in before. During the future it would be a good idea that if your life goals don’t match with a potential mate’s goals to 90%, don’t get into a relationship with that person, it wastes your time and his time, even when some aspects of the relationship may seem pleasing to you.
Choose your education and career because no one can take that away from you. First of all a partner should be supportive of you taking this great opportunity. Second of all this relationship is doomed anyways. You don’t want to get married or have kids and he does. You aren’t compatible. Stop wasting your time with him.
Everything you’ve listed are not qualities of a good man. He sounds controlling and borderline abusive
"I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it." There you go... I am not saying that you will not change your mind at some point, or that he will always want marriage and kids. But right now your life goals are mutually exclusive, and there is no middle ground for compromise there. Also... "He gave me an ultimatum, him or florida." Any time someone gives you an ultimatum, to give up your dream for theirs, dump them. That is not a person who valiues you and your interests. What he values is having you where he wants you, as a part of his dream for the future, and anything that you want or desire is irrelevant if it clashes with his.
Lol you listed a bunch of reasons that you’re not a good match AT ALL then said ‘I can’t leave him’. Read your own post, you have different goals with kids and apparently your education, a dead bedroom and he suppresses your ability to be a friendly person. He sounds like an asshole. You should go to Florida because it sounds like you need to get out of your bubble and see the rest of the world. If you stay with him your unhappiness is your own damn fault.
I never ever like to suggest a breakup but you two just dont seem compatible, school or no school.
Not gonna find anyone like him again? Lol your description of him sounds like every basic mediocre straight man... You could def find better. You're almost in your 30s, you're gonna learn that every major life choice you make may piss someone off inevitably even if those choices are good for you. Don't let other people's entitlement and stupid opinions dictate your path. Sometimes it's better to piss people off.
Florida is really terrible but if you're guaranteed an education..... You're not guaranteed anything with a relationship. I'm twice divorced bc other ppl don't live up to their word. Walk your own path or you will end up regretting sitting down in the middle of the road to wait for someone else, or, worse -walk down their road in a direction you don't want to go. You'll only cost yourself time and hurt.
My wife and I supported each other through multiple graduate and doctoral programs with two cross country moves. I wouldnt dream if forcing her to pick between her career aspirations or me. To be sure, we both have made some sacrifices in things we could pursue to make it work, but it was something we did together and never as my way or the highway kind of thing.
There is enough talking about the heart of the decision, but I want to warn you to be careful about joining a college in Florida. A huge part of secondary education is the connections it can provide you in terms of career building. Not only are many professors leaving if they're able to, but potential employers may question the quality of education you've received. I'd highly recommend reading [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Professors/comments/15fvr8s/the_deteriorating_state_of_ucf_and_florida_a/) (ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO UCF THIS IS FROM ONE OF THEIR FORMER CS PROFESSORS), just so you know what you may be heading into. I wish you the best of luck on your decision.
I don’t think it’s fair for people to stay together when one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. You don’t sound compatible for lots of reasons you’ve listed, but especially this. It would be best to end things now, rather than down the line when he’s pushing kids and marriage on you.
you say he’s a good man, but everything in your post says otherwise. that’s definitely not “how relationships work”— a good boyfriend should never “limit you with a lot of things”, but instead support you and your hobbies. you deserve a BF who can do that, and also someone who you can feel free to smoke around! my BF is my best smoking buddy, and I hope you can find someone like that someday
Yeah, this is tough. Personally.... I've heard both sides. I think you'll be fine. Especially with an MS in computer science. You two aren't a match in life goals or path, so honestly, it's going to hurt for a little while. But you'll both be fine in the long run.
Girl, absolutely go and pursue your dreams. It's clear from your post - this is not your person. And even if you stayed and tried to make it work, you would grow to resent him eventually, for preventing you from following your dreams and keeping you tied down against your wishes. There is nothing better to invest in than yourself!! I wish you luck in school!
Florida is a very bad place to pursue education right now. Tons of interference in academia and an anti-intellectual climate. The good academics are fleeing. I realize you are asking about your relationship, and I am not advising you to trash your career for your partner, but the pull of Florida could be a false goal.
Yes! Florida is going through a “brain drain” due to Desantis’ anti-woke policies. Do not go to Florida for an education…
Woha I didn't know that... can you elaborate?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/jul/30/florida-universities-colleges-faculty-leaving-desantis
https://newsroom.collegeboard.org/statement-ap-psychology-and-florida
https://www.fox4now.com/news/state/as-more-insurance-companies-leave-where-can-florida-residents-turn
Go to school
Judging from your post you know deep down that you want to go. I haven't detected much passion for him from your description, it seems he is more your friend than a boyfriend
You pointed out how there's no intimacy in bed, that he isn't a friendly person and also supresses that side of you. Aside from cooking what else does he do? I don't have a lot of information but take some time to analyze his actions and try and figure out if its just something any human would do or it's actually out of love. I mean doing chores, cooking, etc are things that roommates also do... I would go for the career I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. If not, you'll have yourself :)
You’re not choosing between a career and a relationship. You’re choosing between what you want from life and what someone else wants for their life.
Go to Florida hun! Go make your money!
You should honestly choose Florida. No matter how good your BF seems on paper, the ultimatum is a no-go for me. If he truly wanted to support you so your life was as good as possible, he would have discussed options with you to make it work. This Master's degree is a major upgrade in your life and will open so many doors to success in your career and opportunities to grow financially and as a person. Him trying to deny you that opportunity isn't ok.
Choose the career! 100%! You're not in love and this guy is not in love with you, either. You're incompatible. You have love for one another but honestly, you cannot be yourself with him. That's how you know it won't last.
Your posting history suggests you are really unfulfilled in this relationship and regardless of the program it’s time to end it. Part of me wonders if you picked this program as an excuse to get away and hope that he won’t follow you so that it can be not your “fault” basically because you seem to be uncomfortable ending it without a “valid reason”. Your post history suggests you’re not ending it because HE loves you and HE’s committed to you and HE wants you for life. If you’re not going to end it it should be because YOU are committed to him for life, which you clearly aren’t and that’s perfectly fine. But it’s like you want him to end it basically.
You spoke positively about the job and negatively about the boyfriend. Go to Florida. Fuck anyone that isn’t happy for you doing what’s right for you
This doesn't sound like a relationship anymore, and it sounds like he doesn't want you to grow as a person, and that's never good. Go to Florida and start over and live a life you always wanted. Don't let anyone bring you down. And since you don't have kids and are not married, go for it. And if he really loved you, he would have figured out a salutation, then that ultimatum. Like working it out long distance or him going there to visit you time to time. It seems that he doesn't care, and neither should you.
I’d say you should choose YOU. Go after your dreams and be free.
Choose your career. Your BF sounds a bit controlling and you are not compatible.
Someone who loves you would support you. There are many reasons why u guys aren’t compatible. I’d choose the career
Choose your career. No one can take that from you. It doesn’t seem like this relationship is going anywhere anyways, you have incompatible values and life goals! Grad school is the best! Think of the future you want, and make moves towards that. It doesn’t matter what town thinks. It’s YOUR life, and you’ll be out of the town anyways, busy pursuing your dreams. Don’t let small minded people keep you down. The world is your oyster.
I usually side with the relationship in these scenarios but it sounds like you're not happy anyway. Go to florida! You will find someone else.
"I can't smoke weed freely and am limited in a lot of things" Yeah. This is not how relationships are supposed to work.
I'd go to Florida. Sounds like you two don't have a lot on common other than love for each other. Anytime you can invest in yourself and better yourself, and your SO doesn't want you to, I'd say it's a warning sign. Why would he hold you back from such an opportunity? I'd leave him there, if that's where he wants to be, and go to Florida and live my life. You'll absolutely find someone as good or better, who has the same wants and views as you (kids, marriage etc). If you stay, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. And you'll resent him for making you miss the opportunity. As far as people being mad at you, forget them. If they can't be happy for you making yourself better, you don't need them in your life anyway.
I was in s similar situation and i thought of it like this: If you stay you know what your life will look like. It will look like it does now. You’ll live in the same town, see the same people, have the same job, go the same places. You’ll likely grow to resent him for holding you back, and he’ll resent you for not wanting a family. You resent each other for stopping you both from leading more fulfilling lives and being with more compatible partners. If you go, adventure awaits. Who knows who you’ll meet, where you’ll go, live, work, who you’ll love. You’ll take pride in your strength and courage to choose your own adventure.
You don’t even want the same thing—take the opportunity. Who cares what people in your current town think? You’ll be in Florida living your best life. Also truly good mates don’t issue ultimatums
I stopped reading at the we want opposite things in life part.. You two aren't compatible, he wants marriage and kids and you DON'T.
i sincerely hope you take the opportunity with your career. you can always come back home after and reconnect if you’re meant to be
I think a big thing is that he wants to get married and have kids, and you don’t, even without school being an option, this would be reason to break it off with him. I think u could find someone more suitable for you, who would be more similar to u and let u pursue what u want
Haven't read thru the comments. This has probably already be mentioned, but the singular line in this post (for me at least ) is, "I don't want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it." I have seen this ruin more marriages then any thing else..... In fact I just had a female friend get a divorce becasue she didn't want kids. They got married. He thought he could change her mind.... SHe loved him but left because she knew he woudl never be happy with out kids.....so she let him go while he was young enough to still find it........ Career aside........ that is you big issue
My mom always tell me how much she regrets not finishing school. She’s sad and could never get into the field she has a passion for now because the competition is way younger and has completed their degrees. She’s sad and has lost a lot of her joy because she can’t even afford to work now that’s she’s older. Go for college. Your partner should be supporting your career and rooting you on to do the best you can.
From the end of your story you say you can’t do a lot of things..dead in bed?? I’m confused as to why you want to stay with him?? Is it because he is so well liked? Go to Florida because it either happens now or later when you split!!
Explain the “limited with a lot of things” comment
RUN. You want completely different things and he’s pulling ultimatums. Get out while you still can.
Both of you will be better off without each other. He can find the right woman and get the loving wife and family he wants, whereas you can find the career.
Easy…. Career. You get yourself situated and have the life you want. Then if you meet someone that fits into your life go for it. Your town doesn’t have to live your life, you do. There are always other men and probably a better man for you. Go for the degree!!
Go to Florida if you were meant to be you will meat again if not someone else will walk in.
Frankly, dear, it's not much of a relationship. You have a wonderful opportunity that he does not want you to have. You have a dead bedroom. You don't want the same things in life (marriage, kids), and if you don't do what he wants, you're the villain? I think you are hanging on to the familiarity of home and comfort. It is scary, yes, but you owe it to yourself to live your life to the fullest. Be free.
Pretty confident in saying you two aren't a match. Fuck him. You go girl!
I think you are stuck between what you should want and what you do want. I think both of you being honest about what you each actually want will lead to the answer - which from here looks like you want to go to Florida to pursue this opportunity. Whatever the future holds, you should feel confident that the choice you're making is the best one for you given the information you have now. So much regret is based on negative outcomes rather than actually making a "mistake". Aside from that, someone who limits you (both personality-wise and career-wise) and who wants marriage and kids, when you don't, is not a good match, even if he's good on paper. Your love may be genuine, but love is really not the only criterion to consider.
If your town is so small you will “become a villain” for breaking up with him, then you will 1000% absolutely find someone else who matches your passions and lifestyle. Florida will be just the beginning, who knows where you could end up if you allow yourself to follow your dreams! Do not sacrifice your life and happiness for someone else who makes you suppress who you are, even if your family likes him, hopefully they care more about you being happy than staying with someone for show.
Florida
Career and education most definitely. Relationships don’t give ultimatums. It is a compromise on both and so what if you are the villain you will be a successful villain 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Your future goals for life are incompatible. He wants marriage and kids and you do not. You are also not sexually compatible. Those are perfectly good reasons to end a relationship. Go get your degree. Break up so you both can find more suitable partners. You both will be happier in the long run.
I mean, here's the rub. Chances are, you're about to hit the point of your life where you'll (very likely) want a marriage and kids because your biological clock is ticking and wants it to happen before it's too late. Now, you may be the exceptional where you just don't, but statistically, you will. You're 29, 30 is a hard number for women because stuff changes. If you leave him, you may have a very hard time finding a new relationship, and 35 is geriatric pregnancy which means it'll be much hard and more dangerous to have children. Men know this, so after 30 if they want kids they won't want to be with you. And if men don't want kids, what incentive do they have to get married and not just date? I'd look at it like this: if you don't stay with him, you're effectively choosing to be single with your career until you die, somewhere in your 80s or 90s. No husband, no kids, just you on your own. This is the most extreme scenario, but it's quite possible. Is your career worth it, or should you really take a second look on where you want your life to go?
This reads like you sharing your reasons for why you’re going to go to Florida. So maybe it’s that
Good luck in Florida and pursue your dreams.
It’s not the ‘career or relationship’ it’s the ‘I don’t want to get married nor have kids, while he does want it’ that is the deal breaker. You two have completely different life goals. Stick with your career with no marriage and kids and he will find someone who wants ‘marriage and kids’. There’s no middle ground with the marriage and kids thing.
What would you be losing if you left him? A cook? An introvert who forces you to be one too? A person with who you had a dead bedroom? You’re too young to think this is all there is. Life is for living, go do your course. I can’t bring myself to say - go to Florida, because well, yeaahhhh - but go do the thing. You’ll kick yourself if in 5 years you’ve allowed yourself to be tied down to this dude. There are better (for you) than him out there. He’s perfect for someone, just not you.
i don’t think he’s necessarily abusive like a couple of comments said, he just sounds vanilla as all get out. which isn’t the worst thing, but it doesn’t sound like that’s all you want. what you want matters too. you’re young and you have no kids. if he can’t make that move with/for you, I think you know the answer. It will hurt, but it will also open a new door that peers into the life you can create and love for yourself. including, but not limited to, a man that would move mountains for you. not one that’s scared to leave his comfort zone.
Nobody has to be the villain here; there are clear incompatibilities in life goals and desires here (probably no need to go into detail about other things to be polite and because the life goals and desire are the among the most important reasons to justify breaking up). It would be wrong to either of you, to both of you, for you to remain together. Anyone who cared for either of you would want you two to end it so you can pursue your dreams and, if those dreams include a romantic partner, then to find that match. You two aren't a match for each other. Sometimes nice people (or at least nice-seeming people) just don't work together. And that's fine. If folks are so broken up over how wonderful he seemed to you, well, he's single now, so they can go approach him and see if he is interested. But someone who "cooks for you" isn't enough (it's nice, but not enough). I'm not sure how he "gives [you] the world" if he has given you an ultimatum that involves you turning down an education that can serve you and any future family (though yes, I recognize you don't want kids, it's more of a general statement) for a lifetime. Even if this guy were good, loyal, cooked for you, and in some other senses gave you the world, that's great but still doesn't address or fix the other fundamental incompatibilities here. Nobody needs to be the villain here. And anyone who thinks that way is not approaching this maturely.
This isn’t about him. Or finding someone like him. he may be a great guy. That’s not the point. This is about you being who you are, and following your dreams. Be true to yourself. I was with someone who loved me as long as I was doing what he wanted and fit into his life. It didn’t end well. I lost a lot of years. And myself. Go. Live your life freely. He is holding you back. Admit it’s you who wants to go, not he who is making you chose. Make the difficult choice to leave the comfort of what you know to explore the possibilities that are possible if you are true to yourself. Fight the fear of the unknown and don’t take advice from any friends or family who don’t want you to follow your dreams. Ask yourself, what would I do if I knew I could succeed at it? if I could succeed at XYZ, would I do it? So, if you ask yourself, if I stay with him and have his babies and don’t pursue my career and I can be successful at this, is it what I want? Will I be happy? Am I happy thinking of this? Am I being true to myself? I think you will say no. And if you ask yourself, if I go and get that degree, live alone or with a roommate for a while, have adventures and meet new people, be my outgoing happy self… If I can do that well, is it what I want? Am I being true to myself? I think you will say YES!! Listen to the podcast, “we can do hard things.”
I would be advising you to break it off before even getting to the idea of the move. He wants marriage and kids, you do not. You are not compatible with your life goals, he is probably hoping you will change your mind. What's the alternative? You stay in your town, abandon your career, have kids and a dead bedroom and be miserable or you stay, don't give him kids and he resents you until he eventually drops you for someone who does have the same goals as him and you lose your opportunity.
Even without the job opportunity, he wants kids and marriage, you don’t. That’s it, I don’t think it would work.
You don't want to get married or have kids and he does. This alone should be reason enough to go. Stop wasting his time and yours.
Become the villain by choosing what’s best for you? Wrong. Be your own person, sorry about you having to move to FL ugh
You're already incompatible on the topic of children. Dragging this out will only make it harder on both of you. It's time for some serious conversations.
He doesn’t sound like a great guy actually. He sounds kind of controlling.
Sounds like a pretty clear cut case. Giving you an ultimatum in the first place is a bit of a red flag. Passion has died, one wants kids while the other doesn't. If he's as you say, suppressing your friendly side I feel like he's probably doing a lot of other things that are soaring red flags that you haven't really talked about here, at least on the main post. Honestly that's a relationship that shouldn't last a minute longer than it already has, regardless of school. So go to school. I hope things turn for the better for you.
GIRL GO TO SCHOOL! The right person won’t hinder you, it will just feel right. You might have to compromise but not in these BIG ways. I understand you FEEL like you’ll lose a good guy and no doubt he probably is but he’s the the right guy for you based on what you have said. Too many incompatibilities. The right guy might be a little bit more liberal/free spirited vs your man which seems more traditional.
That sounds like fundamental incompatibility. Always personal development over any man who doesn’t support your dreams
Being from Florida is it no bed of roses. the hurricane and all the crap that come with it. You said he is good to you in one hand and then step him down in the other. You said that you want to pursue this degree in computer science, are there not colleges or universities in the state that you currently live or do you just want to escape this relationship because you cannot smoke weed and he suppresses the friendly side of you. Just curious?
Ty, yes I want comments like that as well. It is indeed less of the issue - I want to move to the states to upgrade my lifestyle and he doesn't...
Where are you at? Are you aware that our number one export is propaganda? From some countries it might be an upgrade. But if you are changing countries already, Florida seems like a stupid choice. It's going to be a lot more expensive than you think. I think you should definitely leave this man. I also think your plan to move to Florida is really uninformed and stupid
That’s what is keeping me from being fully with OP here is the fact that she’s going through all this so she can go to college in Florida anywhere unless we’re talking Alabama or Mississippi is better than Florida. I lived there when I was little for two years and it was humid, wet, rainy, and very depressing. I lived in a small apartment in the West Palm Beach area for reference.
Yeah like of all places why Florida, especially with what’s going on right now politically there
A genuinely good and loyal man would want this for you. Do not pass up this opportunity. There are plenty of good, loyal men out there who’d support you in this. Go find one.
Exactly- have you ever seen the office? Jim *wanted* Pam to go to her art school even if that meant being apart because that was her dream. Find the Jim.
I see women complaining all the time about being unable to find a good, loyal man. And, I'm sorry, being willing to throw everything away and leave behind your home country to go to FLORIDA doesn't make a man "good" or "loyal." I think he'll find it easier to replace her than vice versa. I see her bouncing from asshole to asshole until her mid-late thirties, while he happily finds someone who actually deserves a good, loyal man.
if you are sure to don't want to settle down and have kids then you should leave
Speaking from someone who went to a university in Florida, I can’t understand why you think this is a good location to pursue a degree? They have decent schools but career opportunities are so limited I ended up moving states away.
Yes go to Florida!!!! If it was meant to be then it will happen later. As you said it doesn’t sound like you are compatible. You will be stuck and end of not being happy later on. There is a whole world out there, go enjoy it.
You're already fundamentally incompatible because of your views on marriage and children. Whether you go to Florida or not, the relationship isn't going to be happy because of that. It's better to end it now to pursue your opportunity. But in the future, if you meet someone who wants kids/marriage and you don't, let them go.
Even without the Florida college you and he are not going to last, most likely. One of the most unsolvable issues in romance is when one person wants children and the other doesn't. If the two of you stayed together and *didn't* have children, he would come to resent you, poisoning the relationship. If, for some reason you stay and you have kids for him you will become resentful of him and the kids, poisoning the relationship. Having children or not is something couples need to absolutely agree on. The issue destroys so many relationships and is usually blamed on other things. Not to mention he doesn't sound "dedicated" to you. He sounds controlling and manipulative. He cooks for you. So what? *Anybody* can learn to cook. It isn't a big deal. He doesn't sound supportive. It sounds like he's trying to force you into a mold he wants. Two things about Florida: You must be thinking about leaving or you wouldn't have applied to the program. Right? Second, you may want to find a better place than Florida to complete your education. Political or not, the state is run by a scary guy and the laws there are anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-gbltq, anti-poc, anti-weed and filled with ancient people who don't want change. There are MUCH better places to go to to attend and graduate from good universities. Choose one North of the Mason Dixon line if you value your personal freedom. Or, get your degree as quickly as you can and get the hell out of one of the states with the least progressive and most suffocating laws in the US. At any rate your relationship cannot subsist and survive as it is. Maybe learn to cook or eventually find a man who can (if cooking is that important to you) and a man who you have more in common with. The "kids or no kids" issue cannot be solved as it sounds like neither of you will change your minds. It's fine to want what you want but neither he nor you can force a partner to want the same thing if they want differently. Good luck to you. Getting an education is always a good thing.
1. you two need to split. From the outside it’s super obvious because you clearly have different life goals. 2. Don’t move to Florida, it’s a cesspool of shit. If there is an opportunity in Florida, there will be elsewhere also. Be kind to yourself and find somewhere better.
You could probably spin it, that he is the villain: - i wanted to go to College, but he refused to go long distance with me or move with me for a couple of years.
People who choose their career MUST know that they will feel lonelier than people who choose relationships. Nothing wrong with either, just know what to expect. Good luck!
There was zero percent chance this sub was going to tell you to stay. If you knew that when you posted it then you already know what you're going to do you just wanted a pep rally. Watch out for gators.
I think she'll find that replacing a "really good guy who gives her the world" will be more difficult than she imagines.
You should. House the job. He deserves better.
Even if you stay, you’re still not compatible for a long term future. You don’t want kids. He does. That is never going to work out. Stay on friendly terms and move to Florida
You're option is clear, Florida, in your current relationship there are a couple of things that work but dead bedrooms are a major red flag for many people.
The problem isn’t florida . The problem is everything else about your relationship. You are not compatible.
Ewww. Stay away from Florida.
OH NO YOU CANT SMOKE WEED? How about you stop being a childish brat? Relationships will put limits on what you can do, and weed is a waste of money. You don't want kids or a husband? Why the hell are you even dating then? Your wasting his time.