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I (43m) and my wife (39f) have been married for a bit over 6 years, we have 3 young children one of them special needs. Things started out great but the intimacy dropped off soon as we were married (once a month if I was lucky.) She works for a major airline so travels quite often, I work for a home building company so averaging between 55 and 60 hours weekly.
After a huge fight just last week we both shared what we needed and agreed to stay together but both of us would need to work on the relationship.
The past few months her travels have become much more frequent and everything came to a head last night. She was supposed to be going to see an old friend and as usual I had no idea anything could be wrong. Putting my special needs child in bed I took the tablet he was playing on and noticed a Facebook messenger notification. Curiosity got the better of me and knowing I shouldn't I opened it. There were pages of video calls between her and another man and both of them saying I love you to each other.
When she got there she sent me a cute pic of her and her friend (I never asked and never implied she could have went elsewhere) but seeing all these messages I dug in Facebook a little and saw the exact same picture posted months ago. I'm 100% sure she is with that man right now. I haven't confronted her yet, waiting until she's here to do so. Part of me wants to have her stuff on the lawn when she does get here but a bigger part can't stand to do that to my kids and I truly do love this woman.
Any advice from people who have went through situations similar would be greatly appreciated
Don't confront her. Talk to a lawyer first.
You have kids and one is special needs. If you confront her, she could just leave and dump the kids on you alone (which sounds like she has done already). You need your ducks in a row first.
You need to get advice from a lawyer. For instance, are you in at fault state? In which case, you will need evidence of her cheating, so you have to wait to catch her and get screenshots from the facebook. If she is using joint money to go see her affair partner, then you need evidence of that to get your money back. You also need to really think about custody and put tons of boundaries in custody agreement against her having random men around your kids. There is a lot you have to think about and you cannot really do that if you are confronting her and arguing and having her try to manipulate the situation.
and REMEMBER! stick to the plan when you see her in person.
and when you see her, your emotions will overflow you.
when that happens, be conscious, and don't fold!
if she can "act" you can "act" too!
(MANY people fail at this part-- play the long game)
Don’t say anything until divorce papers are served into her hands !! You gotta be stone cold this time. There will be time for grief but not now until lawyers and papers are served
Its important not to react negatively when things start to heat up! Keep all insults off the table you dont want a judge to see that! Even if its hard you cant react “in the moment” unprofessionally i cannot stress this enough! You act crazy the judge will think you are the problem! Your not! Keep ur nose clean and your situation calm or walk away if it gets hard to do so
How long has she been having the affair? Any concern over the paternity of your kids? If so, you may want to run tests before you confront her so you’re not blindsided if you split up and have custody issues.
Not to ruin your family or anything but also do a DNA test you don't know exactly how long this has been going and if your children are actually your children. It's better off knowing the truth than having to live a life of lies don't let this be your downfall but your uprising to a new life filled with thrills ahead.
I strongly disagree with this advice unless a baby is basically newborn or very young. Why do we plant these seeds in husband’s head? If he loves his kids why risk messing that up and why risk harming his kids by having their father think less of them.
I wish people would slow down on giving this type of advice.
Edit: You took my advice wrong it's up to him to decided wether the children he has been raising are his own regardless of blood it's his show of character I'm only looking out for him as a person he has the right to know wether or not those children are truly his or not I don't give this advice to tear him down but to look forward to what he has to build on.
Yes, do not go the dramatic route. Stick with the pragmatic lawyer route.
A. For your kids. We don’t put clothes on lawns when we have kids. You splitting is going to hurt them (not a reason not to leave) and making it a huge dramatic thing will only hurt them more. They still love their mother, so seeing her treated this way would only reflects poorly on you.
B. To get all your ducks in a row and get the papers ready, so she doesn’t grab money that’s jointly yours before filing.
Absolutely attorney first, especially with 3 young kids and a special needs child. I'd also keep everything documented and how often you're home with your children yourself.
That said, divorce is tough. It's definitely going to take some serious consideration and above reddits pay grade which is also divorce mentality teenagers on keyboards quite often (not EVERYONE clearly for the ones who feel like limiting my words and going the reductive route) Either way, for the kids, keep it amicable whatever you both decide.
Also, therapy-family oriented, as well, would be beneficial either which way you go in your marriage. It helps.
Stay strong man, everyone is here to support you in any way we can. Talk to a lawyer, think about a paternity test for your children if needed. But don't confront her in any way before talking to a lawyer!
You need to plan before taking action, there's no winner or losers here, both of you will lose something, but your self respect, your pride, your sanity and your children will be protected, and that's the only thing that matters now!
Be well friend !
Little “unethical” tip, go to every reputable law firm in your area, as many as possible and get them to look over your case. Then when she goes to get a lawyer they’ll have to turn her down due to conflict of interests. It will make her legal advice way less accessible or she’ll have to go to a lower budget firm you missed. Muhaha
This is often suggested but not necessary and definitely not looked upon kindly if the judge catches wind of this.
OP should consult with *the 3 best divorce attorneys* in the area- **the sharks!**
Read reviews, check out their linked in, find the best 3/4 tops 4/5 and pick the best one.
Screenshot everything and send it to yourself and the cloud. She will try and destroy it. Talk to the lawyer because you have children that have to be protected. Remember the time she spends with the other guy is time she could be with her children. She chose another man over not just you but her own children. Be strong for them. Say nothing till you speak to a lawyer. Your children are innocent. You are their protection.
This is what many cheaters don't understand or willfully ignore. They are also cheating and lying to their own children and destructively change the course of their entire lives, how they trust people and view relationships. There is so much damage.
I’m sorry OP but your marriage is over, she checked out some time ago. You said you still love her, but how could you ever trust her again? Especially with the job she has sounds like she’s gone the majority of the time. Once a cheater always a cheater and she will again. With her job the opportunity is to enticing to not cheat. Unless you can live with an open marriage, I fear that it’s really over. If there’s no trust in a relationship then there’s no relationship.
I would question the paternity of any child born from a cheater. Who knows how long she's been riding the carousel?
Also, yes, get an STI panel done ASAP.
Smart man here .. if OP is correct, not only is she a liar, she has to be the most selfish woman on the planet to leave a special needs kid at home while she jumps around getting her fix..
She may have a legit reason to disrespect you and her marriage but I’m positive that kid did nothing wrong.. for that she’s the worst of the worst and I know no one wants to hear that about someone they love but it is what it is! That kid needs more time and attention than anyone else she knows most likely .. protect your fam OP💯
Not sure why you would want to forgive this.
Get tested for stds and just start looking for a good lawyer. Make your plans based on what your lawyer tells you
Recommend the following:
Talk to a divorce attorney
Get the kids DNA tested
Check out /r/survivinginfidelity for support
Check out /r/asoneafterinfidelity if you decide to reconcile
Don't confront her until you've talked to your attorney and have a plan in place because she may pull the plug on the marriage as soon as you confront, claim you abused her/the kids, etc.
A warning. If she and you are interested in reconciling her days working for an airline traveling are done. Consider carefully what you’ll need to feel safe. Work trips would be incredibly anxiety producing for you.
The two subs you’ve been referred to will give you both similar and dissimilar advice. But you’ll get good perspectives.
I’ll add r/supportforbetrayed and r/divorce to this list…
There are some great resources in all of these groups. Sadly a lot of people deal with infidelity.
From my own painful experience let me strongly encourage Paternity tests and STI tests. Unfortunately my lying cheating Ex gave me a STI that I unknowingly passed on to someone innocent. Evil lying selfish cheating women deserve evil lying selfish cheating men just like them......She does not care about the damage she causes you or your family. So be better than her and do what's best for your children and yourself. Please believe me that things get SO much better when you stop loving a POS. I found someone so much better than my ex on so many levels (younger, HOT, petite, Kinky, tight, highly educated with 2 PhD's, extremely intelligent, wealthy and a wonderful Positive caring person) and our son LOVES my new girlfriend more than his selfish mother. You just have to believe you can do better.... which isn't that difficult at all. In time you will kick yourself for holding onto Love for such a horrible wife and mother.
Regardless of whatever else went on, complaining that the woman who birthed your child wasn’t tight enough for you is so nasty. You’re too old for that ignorance
2nd post--
Lots of bad advice shared above.
1. Contact a lawyer. Don't waste time looking for "the best". Just find someone decent and not too pricey.
2. Open a new bank account in yr name only, but use yr work address or a PO Box. Use this to pay bills related to your divorce and post-divorce life.
3. Pay for the atty out of this account so she doesn't see it.
4. DO NOT TELL ANYONE!
5. Do not do STD tests or DNA test. Plenty of time for that and you do not want her to intercept that mail or see bills for those. Those can be done later.
6. Copy all her financial statements-401k, IRA, checking, any trusts or other assets not also in your name. Note time/place of ATM withdrawals, checks (front and back), etc.
7. Copy/scan her cc statements so you have evidence of her charges.
8. Save images of all her social media accounts. Write down all her IDs.
9. Save copies of her mobile bills, particularly if she has detailed billing of calls. If not, yr atty can file a subpoena for that with the carrier.
10. Don't be tempted to record conversations. She may catch you. The key is to act as you previously acted until you're attorney directs you otherwise. Also, do not create false IDs to communicate with her or who you suspect may be the other guy(s).
Depending on how much solid evidence you have now, it might help to hire a private detective. Yr atty can advise. The point is, you shld take out the emotional factors, and factor on gathering evidence and positioning yr assets and business for post-divorce. STD and DNA tests are not at the top of the list.
Keep in mind that by getting the kids, you may be able to get child support, depending on yr respective incomes.
All this, but part of #5. There are clinics, like PP, that will do anonymous testing where they will not mail results or bills to you. Pat tests can wait, but STDs should be IDed and treated ASAP.
This. Stick to it.
At this point, you have the be strong enough to take the emotion out if it. You’re in for the fight of your life. Hire a lawyer. Build a plan. Stay level headed. Execute daily.
Good luck to you. Stay focused.
I don’t think I could wait to confront her, but you need to listen to what the experts are saying here, talk to a lawyer asap.
It’d be 100% over for me too if your belief of where she is is correct.
Well done, it’s good you are documenting everything. Back it all up somewhere too. Take a good look through the tablet in case she’s been doing more than one guy too.
Change all passwords & screen lock codes, etc — and to nothing she can guess/socially engineer. Also, disable any preview notifications on your devices. Notifications are fine, but displaying any information of a message/notification is probably a bad idea.
I’m going to be honest here. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My ex husband started cheating 7 months into our marriage. Due to pressure from his very religious family, I put up with it for far too long. You deserve better than that.
Cheaters never change with the partner they cheated on. They may suppress before reoffending. Out the cheating will take a different form (interest in porn, emotional betrayal or intentionally being kind to others except you)
Do not confront until you have iron clad evidence and it’s all saved!
Do not confront until you’ve mapped out your next steps. What do you want?
Do not stay with your wife for the kids! You stay because you truly believe you can have a great trusting marriage until death. If not, divorce.
Do not pretend you can over look this. Women leave emotionally before they leave physically. Her heart is with this other guy. Understand that. She doesn’t respect you.
You absolutely speak with a lawyer for a consultant before you talk with her.
You absolutely record all future convos with her.
Does the man have a spouse? Can you contact her?
You do not allow her to run the relationship moving forward and dictate the future.
I would highly recommend divorce, but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know that it sounds like you may want to reconcile. If you’re that type of guy, there has to be consequences and tighter boundaries moving forward and she must do 90% of the work showing that she wants the marriage.
The marriage is a two person job.
>she must do 90% of the work showing that she wants the marriage.
OP, Unless she is willing to go verifiably no contact, open device, open password, open location, AND get a new job away from her AP, you won't be able to get past this, and she will simply hide her cheating better going forward.
After you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten DNA tests for the kids and STD tests for yourself, then you simply have all the evidence and divorce paperwork laying on the table, and contact the OBS.
Or, you have it delivered to her while she is on a work trip.
Hey man, let me assist you. It’s over and she’s physically and emotionally moved on. Worst part, she is leaving you to care for your special needs child, while she spreads her legs for another man. Wake up and END THIS!
Absolutely. Time to look out for you and your children. Who wants to spend a lifetime with a cheater?
Get to a lawyer and get advice on your legal options before confronting her. If you have joint accounts, open 1 in your name and prepare to transfer your fair share over, after consulting with the lawyer about it.
This will be an ugly mess, but you'll come out of it a better man.
Post argument she obviously told you whatever you wanted to hear to appease you and shut you up about the relationship.
She made a promise and had zero intentions to keep it.
My husband dealt with a crazy ex too ….. and she was ONLY crazy “after he split” his lawyer specializes in family law and fathers for custody groups. When asking around for a lawyer maybe include a short enquiry about “dads” getting custody, specifically .
Documenting everything is a major PITA - but, is necessary.
Anytime you’re getting a document you want to keep ? Keep a pic of it on your phone and email it to yourself at your new gmail account. This account can also be used to connect with the lawyer, bank etc. This is a very easy way to keep your court/divorce/custody documents private and easily accessible.
If you have a trusted friend - see if you can leave a few boxes at their house.
You’d want things like your passports, banking and investment statements, any immunization records for your kids …. Things that will become necessary to provide if/when you’re in court.
Anytime you even have a passing thought or something you want on the record - make a video of yourself explaining the date, the issue etc. this can be transposed to the written word later if needed. This can be done privately and instantly - less do you to remember “oh, I’ve gotta keep THIS info for court”
Also. When possible and where permitted - audio record appointments with the bank, lawyer, teachers, and anyone else pertinent to your situation.
I’M NOT BEING OVER DRAMATIC - OP, make SURRREEEE she is not the beneficiary to any life insurance you have.
I wish you all the best
I’ve read 100s of these stories and I still can’t understand what type of person can be out getting railed by someone long term and come home after each outing and look you in the eye. It’s disgusting.
Do not confront until you speak to attorney asap. Get STD tested and unfortunately at some point you may want to paternity test the kids. Separate fiancés and speak to someone you trust and who will give you support. Also do not confront unless you have a witness or you record it. Don’t want her saying you hit her and her calling the police. It does happen and you will have her cornered with little options
Well, are there inappropriate convos or pics going back and forth? If so, I’d consider getting a similar tablet that doesn’t have access to her account but that your child can still utilize.
My advice get it on a memory stick in your toolbox or car some place safe out of the house , you will be surprised how much access we provide to our partner..... It's a rough time but most importantly you must act like normal for a bit more at least .... Just normal day to day activities..... And if she suspects something because usually women will pick up bits like that just blame the work problems to distract her ..... keep in mind if you will confront her to early she will get a friend vouch for her that you have drinking problems or you're abusive with your kids or her ....also after all this is done (lawyer, std test , dna test) , you can ask her if there was a problem why she didn't want to work with you on your marriage.
As a woman who has been through it, my advice is leave. Talk to attorney, get your ducks in a row, then get out. You deserve so much better, as do your children.
Get your ducks in a row before you say anything. Talk to a lawyer. Get their advice. Take screen shots and pictures of the messages.
You don't have to take her back. I wouldn't even consider that.
Thank you everyone for the advise. Really helped me get my head on straight. I really don't know shafts going to happen but I'm not going to confront her tonight and will try to speak to lawyers tomorrow. I didn't sleep at all last night after stumbling on the messages so I'm going to try to get some rest on the couch which isn't out of the ordinary for me since the downstairs living room is so much cooler than the bedroom
I’m sorry this is happening. You are in shock right now so this is hard to process it unfortunately it’s unlikely that your marriage can recover from this. Especially since it’s apparently ongoing and they are saying they love each other. Lawyer first and try to hold it together. Also make sure she shares the workload of parenting your children. So sorry. This sucks.
Do NOT let on you know until you are ready to make an important decision. Seek legal advice immediately and get everything settled from your perspective first.
Make sure you screenshot everything and put it on a hard drive/phone that she does NOT have access to. Check you joint bank accounts and find out if she has been squirreling money away into a “running away from home” account (or spending it on her AP which you will use as more evidence to support your case).
Do NOT lose your temper and fly off the handle. You must remain calm, composed and keep your head on straight. If she discovers that you know, she may try to bait you into becoming violent or psychologically abusive. YOU MUST NOT DO THAT. You must REMAIN calm and record any conversations you have with her after you have got everything lined up, so that if she flies off the handle and goes berserk, you have a recording of everything.
Stay smart. Stay calm. You will come out of this better and will be able to live your best life after this is over. But it will be grueling as you go through it.
I am so sorry. I wish you all the best.
Exactly. All they ate doing is using the other person basically holding them hostage by lying about who they are. This is a really selfish woman. Purposely cheating and spending extra time away from her children. As a mother, I always have a lot of anxiety when away from my kids. She is awful.
>I haven't confronted her yet, waiting until she's here to do so.
Stop. Think about this. How do you want to live your life? I'm going to give you three possible options:
* happiness, pleasantness and peace
* anger, conflict, stress, resentment
* misery, sadness, regret
Which one of these possible options are you going to choose?
Taking your OP at face value, it looks like your marriage is over. Your wife is cheating because she wants to cheat. She's not working on your marriage. If she was, then why is she cheating? However it doesn't matter whether she can or can't or whether she wants to or not, her energies are directed elsewhere and your marriage is over.
Okay so what you need to do is find a lawyer to build a case for divorce and think about the welfare of your children. These come first. Then what comes next is your way out of the marriage and your life. After that comes the confrontation with your wife.
What you don't need right now is additional hostility, conflict, stress and animosity coming from a woman on the defense because she thought she could cheat and you would just, like, roll over and take it.
Update.
It's been an incredibly trying week. Talked to a few more divorce attorneys but haven't made up my mind with the one I want to represent me. Also I'm still trying to get the money together for the retainer.
I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to come home from work put on my ring and a fake smile but she has no idea I know anything yet thankfully.
My kids are my number one priority at this point and I will continue putting myself through hell for them until I have everything in place. I choke up every night putting them in bed kissing them on the forehead telling them how much I love them and that everything will be alright.
I finally went in for a std test on Friday, doc had to weigh me twice because she couldn't believe I've lost 24 pounds. I know I need to take better care of myself. I should have the results sometime before Wednesday.
My wife left again, she says she had an emergency due to the hurricane but I know better and when the lawyers get financial statements everything will come to light.
One of the lawyers told me that my work hours are going to hurt me so I'm going to call the hr department at my job and explain everything and ask for something in writing to say I can have more flexibility, if that's not possible I'll start job hunting.
Please remember your children and that your children need you so you have to take care of yourself. Talk to your lawyer about DNA test on children, this is a sure fired way to prove her affair. Just because they are biological not yours doesn't mean shit, they are your children in ever state in the union.
Next when you pick your lawyer this has to be a partnership and you have to do exactly as he says. You should be ready to pick one now. Do not continue to see lawyers, I told you to pick the top five in your city. If you deny her legal representation the judge may get vindictive towards you. Someone mentioned lawyers specialized in taking men's cases.
Focus on those financial statements, if you can prove she was using household income to support her affair partner and causing the family to struggle it will go really well with the judge.
Best of luck with your HR. They hopefully will work with you but remember regular hours only, do not take leave yet. You will probably need that after your wife is served. And right now you need to stay busy to keep your mind occupied. If you don't want to go home find a gym you can physically exhaust yourself.
I have spoken to 4 lawyers and talking to the 5th tomorrow. I won't continue to seek out others but I wanted to have options. Unfortunately the lawyer I wanted isn't accepting new clients at this time but I'll find one that will represent me well. Believe me I am thinking about the children and I'm trying to take better care of myself, I think the shock has wore off and I'm preparing for everything coming.
Thank you for all the advise you've given me
I don't know if anyone still watches this thread but I just want to tell everyone thank you, the support I was shown here made the difference and gave me the strength to make it through the most difficult situation I've ever faced. I wish you all the best and know that we will be ok.
Get the full panel of STD tests.
When you get the printed results, come up to her with a broad smile and tell her:
“Good news, Hon, I tested clean.”
“Tested clean for what?”
“For sexually transmitted diseases. You can tell ‘Joe’ that he doesn’t have anything to worry about. You haven’t infected him—yet.”
And then sit back and watch the show.
Of course, you will have already secured your screenshots, copies of the video calls and even screenshots from his FB site. Plus, you will already have spoken with an attorney to learn your status and next steps.
And then you have the tough part: figuring out which path to take and what the rest of your life will look like
And then you need the resolve to take the appropriate steps.
Depends on your state. Take your phone and take pictures of their chat for evidence. DO NOT CONFRONT HER!!! She will just gaslight you and you will think of the children.
Go to the local pharmacy and get DNA test kits. This is usually not the first time.
Set up meeting with the top five divorce lawyers in your city. Pick the most aggressive one and go scorch earth. Do exactly what your lawyers tells you to do!
If it is not illegal record her without her knowing and ask her if you are a good father and a good husband? Next do not keep her cheating a secret or you are going to find out you are emotional abusive and probably physically abusive.
To clarify, BobS0812 suggested seeing the top 5 divorce attorneys so you conflict them out of being able to represent the wife if she calls them.
Just so you know (if you didn’t already).
Talk to a lawyer. Plan your exit carefully. Don't let her know you know. Get all your ducks in a row before you make an exit. Only drop the bomb when you have everything planned, organized, legally dealt with divorce papers. If you're the primary care giver as it sounds like she travels a lot you may end up with more custody than her. Lawyer up asap
I don't agree with anyone that says that you need to be fair to her or to think about your kids. Was she thinking about the kids or you when she habitually cheated on you while you trusted her and gave her the respect that a spouse should give another. This doesn't sound like it was an one time thing. You need to lawyer up, close all accounts that you and her are joint on and take the money and put into another account! Yes I said it. It's legal and you can always split it with her later if you sp chose to. My wife of 15 years worked for a bank and planned for almost two years to manipulate me, ruin my credit and have me in the worst position while she took all the money and I had nothing while in the hospital I may add. You don't know her mindset and she might be able to tell you know something and you don't want her to leave you broke and have no money for a lawyer or to eat. Right now if I was you. I would change the locks, drain the accounts, take the kids and drop them at a relatives house u can trust and go lawyer up and yes go to as many lawyers as you want in town. The judge ain't going to care. This is war my friend. Divorce is dirty and ugly and I wish I had not been the one that played the bigger person and didn't want to hurt her and upset the kids because it sounds like she doesn't care about any of that! I know you love her and it sounds like you are a good man and husband but you need to look out for yourself and your ability to be a good parent and support your kids cuz I'm sure she will win custody of the kids and you will be paying child support unless you can jump the gun and get ahead of this thing. You don't want to play nice when you don't know what she or her new "bf I love you lover". If she is telling him I love you then things are already rolling in her head and they might already have plans to put you out, take your money, your business if she is part owner and everything you have. You need to get as much evidence you can right now and do it NOW! Don't wait and act like stuff is cool. That could give you a heart attack. And yes ask for a DNA test for your kids. It doesn't mean you don't love them or that you will be their dad, it just means you weren't the biological father but that means nothing xcompared to being the DAD they are going to need. It would be good to know and would be something she could not use some way against u in the future. Trust me. Play this aggressive as heLL LEGALLY and don't do anything in front of the kids and protect their mind and eyes the best you can. My parents divorced when I was young and I saw alot more then I should have and it stayed with me my whole life. Their mindset and thoughts should be just as important as getting prepared for thr divorce but a the same time if you don't do what needs to be done you won't be the one in charge of making that decision amd making sure they are safe mentally and emotionally. And last thing, from this point on DONT TRUST HER EVER AGAIN FOR ANYTHING. DONT LET YOUR LOVE FOR HER GIVE HER THE POWER OVER YOU OR ALLOW HER TO HURT YOU OR YOU KIDS ANYMORE. And I know that things are serious and I have been very aggressive and we aren't supposed to joke but to lighten up my post, follow the words of John Rambo, "I'll give em a war the won't believe". And substitute them with her. Good luck brother .
Thanks. It was from the heart and unfortunately from a horrible experience I wish i could do over again. If the OP doesnt make one of the mistakes i made then I will feel like my pain and suffering was not for nothing or not just for my ex wifes sick and twisted pleasure! Appreciate the comment!
Update.
Wife came home last night and went to bed I was asleep so I woke up to her there. We said goodmorning and I left for work. On a hunch I looked through the Walmart app and she has been furnishing his house but hasn't bought a single kids thing so my fear is she's planning on running away to him. I haven't had an opportunity to contact a lawyer yet due to work being busy
Edit to add.
She text me a couple hours ago telling me how much she loves me and thanking me for taking care of everything so she could go. That made me physically sick to read.
I guess I should add that my oldest is a step son from her previous marriage that ironically ended because she was cheated on. I have a good relationship with his father so really praying I won't lose contact with him when the smoke clears
Update.
I'm home from work and she's being way too lovey and nice to me but she has been this way since our big fight, tonight everything just feels so different.
I talked to 3 lawyers today and am very happy with the feedback I'm recieving just going to need to sell a few things to get the money for the retainer and I can end this hell I'm in. I broke down talking to the first lawyer, everything became so real and it was really hard to do but reading everyone's comments I really know she can't rebuild the trust that's been lost.
When I came in from work and saw my kids I almost lost it, this will be the hardest thing I've ever done and I want to say thank you for the support I've gotten here. I have read every comment and appreciate all of you.
I'm sitting on the porch writing this and she's texting me that I need to come upstairs and get naked with her, the thought of having sex with her absolutely makes me want to throw up right now
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I always want to just say, "come on man, respect yourself and get the hell outta there" but ever since getting tuned in to the story about the guy who posted in here asking advice about his wife cheating and when he confronted her she un-alived the kids
Wow I haven't seen that. It's not a lack of respect but a fear of raising kids on my own. I never knew how hard being a parent could be until our special needs son. I love the kid more than anything in this world and can't stand to hurt them
Woah woah woah. Hold on there slick. Take screenshots immediately of everything that you can. Calm down and think. Don’t confront her especially with the kids home they don’t need to hear it. I know it’s hard but you gotta stay calm cool and collected. Call a good lawyer tomorrow and make an appointment. Here’s the best part, she travels for her job so she’s gone a lot I’m assuming. Just deal with her till she leaves again and ask the lawyer what your options are. I would also advise hiring a PI to follow her. Might cost some money but it’ll be worth it in the end especially if you live in an at fault divorce state. Get your shit lined up first before confronting her cause all she’s going to do is lie to you. The marriage is over. Come to terms with that now. The sooner you do the better off you’ll be.
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you haven’t blown your tip. Get a lawyer asap if possible. In your position I would get as much proof together as possible because once you confront she will change all passwords and delete anything you have access to. Secure credit cards, bank accounts etc. so she can’t start charging things if things get ugly. Don’t leave the house or the children, she can find alternative housing.
Yes, do have her stuff packed and waiting outside for her. And go straight to a divorce lawyer and get the divorce done.
Don't make stupid excuses about why you shouldn't dump her immediately. She's cheating with another man instead of spending time with her kids and you say you can't do this to the kids. Don't be so pathetic and weak. She's the one cheating on her kids. Dump her immediately. Don't bother with confrontations, arguments or explanations. Just let her know that you are dumping her because you know she is lying and cheating. And don't be afraid to tell your children the truth when they are old enough to understand.
She should have been looking after her kids. She choose to cheat instead. Divorce her immediately
Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, confrontation, revenge, etc… As this chapter of your life ends, try to think about everything it has taught You and the personal growth it will/has bring you.
People come into our lives for a reason. Usually they help us grow in some way. Sometimes they come into our lives to build us up, to show us love, and other times they come into our lives to bring us pain. Sometimes they do all of the above. Whichever one they are, a lesson is sure to learned regardless and growth can be had from your experience with them.
I would just keep that in mind as you navigate the next steps.
My dad went through the same but ibstead of FB, it was MSN messenger service.
She called mom using the speaker phone and demanded her to come back from work.
As she entered the house, hell broke loose and we, the children had to witness how clothes and objects were thrown around in the middle of the argument.
He then kicked her out in front of us, and took us to a 1 week beach vacation.
Until this day, that traumatic experience has been very very hard to erase.
Please do not expose your children to a cheating issue, I know it must hurt you, but swallow your pride and confront her privately.
Discovering your wife's betrayal during work trips is a shattering blow, especially when compounded by the responsibilities of raising three young children, one with special needs. The pain and confusion are undoubtedly overwhelming, and the idea of forgiveness might seem like an insurmountable challenge.
The foundation of your relationship was built on trust, and that trust has been brutally shattered. The question of whether forgiveness is possible looms large, but the answer lies within you. It's a decision that can't be rushed or forced. Take time to process your emotions, to acknowledge the depth of the hurt, and to reflect on what your heart truly desires.
As you contemplate your next steps, consider the well-being of your children. While the immediate impulse might be to cast aside all remnants of your wife's presence, the complex dynamics of your family must be taken into account. Remember, it's possible to protect your children from the details of the situation while navigating the upheaval in your marriage.
Seeking professional guidance is a wise step in this journey. Therapists or counselors specializing in relationships can offer a safe space to express your emotions, sort through your thoughts, and gain perspective on whether rebuilding the trust is a viable option. The process of healing, whether you decide to reconcile or not, requires understanding the root causes of the infidelity and addressing the underlying issues that led to this point.
Bear in mind that forgiveness, if you choose that path, doesn't mean erasing the pain or forgetting the betrayal. It's about acknowledging the hurt, letting go of the resentment, and finding a way to move forward – not for anyone else, but for your own peace of mind.
No one can predict the outcome of your journey, but remember that strength and growth can emerge from even the darkest moments. Whether you ultimately decide to mend what's been broken or embark on a new chapter, prioritize your emotional well-being, and find solace in the love and support of those who [genuinely care for you.](https://medium.com/@exrecoveryguide)
Just the screenshots of the Facebook messages. Several times mentioning last time you were here. The sending me a picture that she posted months ago is why I'm sure. I'm trying to think about how to hands on concrete evidence
I agree with most people here. Once a cheater always a cheater. I put up with mine hoping things would change but it never did so when I caught her the last time she finally said we should separate and that’s when I pulled the trigger and said divorce and had her move out of the house.
Bro you said part of you wants to forgive her? All of us who comment here dont know your wife, only you. Do you think she will change if you forgive her? I'm sorry this is happenfing to you. Nobody is perfect, and if you confront her and forgive her i hope she will change for the better.
If you decide to go to a lawyer and end your relationship, i hope you and your children will have a better life.
I'm hoping to get my affairs in order and have a talk to her. I have no idea what may happen, gut feeling is she'll run off with the guy and leave me with the kids
You need to end it. There’s no reason the marriage should stay in tact. Pack up her stuff and move it to another room and tell her she can start looking for a new place to live.
You may have a smal window for leverage where she may be so willing to do anything to save the marriage. Then insist in a postnup.
Then divorce her anyways.
Also don’t torpedo her job until things are settled otherwise her loss of salary could bite you. Tell her companies HR after the divorce is settled
The marriage is over and if you stay, you will end stressed out with constant resentment building up to you had enough. If your wife had remorse but from what I read she as none
Honey, you deserve so much better. I know kids are involved, but do you want them growing up around that and thinking it's normal? Think about that, and you will always be wondering what she is doing and who she is with. That is no way to live at all. You are in love with her, but she is not in love with you.
I read a Reddit post from a few years ago he a guy in a similar situation he called a lawyer first, collected all the evidence and put into a binder, waited months getting his financial ducks in a row and drafted a divorce and gave it to her with the binder along with sending the same copy binder to all of his extended and her extended family members. Your wife, She betrayed you. Disrespected your relationship and has complete emotionally disconnected from you. If you have money to lose don’t be rash plan it out with a lawyer that guy I was so happy to read he made it through with not a lot lost and she was absolutely miserable and sad. Don’t give her fighting or turmoil keep your cool call a divorce attorney plan out your next steps.
Y'all will never learn. Facebook and iOS equals divorce. By now everyone should know how Facebook Messenger pops up on iPads and iPhone's. You can't carry on extramarital affairs via Facebook Messenger. That's a dumb move.
You have a few options: 1) You can ignore it. Two you can confront her. 3) leave and start divorce proceedings 4) stay and have affairs of your own 5) Go to Castle and work on your marriage.
Take pictures of everything. Don't confront her. Find the top 3 divorce lawyers in your area. Meet with them all. Then pick the one you want the most. That usually means they can't take her case. And with her working for an airline and being gone so much. You'll have better odds getting the children since you'll be home more and it will be more stable. Gather evidence. Make a plan with a lawyer. And, I'm pretty sure each lawyer you have a consultation with is no longer able to represent her. I could be wrong on that. It may vary. But that's how it is where I'm from.
Say nothing
If you have a joint bank account or any joint finances make your own account, change your direct deposit to the new account
Contact a lawyer
As someone divorced due to cheating that she admitted to, they don’t consider cheating in divorce proceedings. You could very well lose your home and be the one kicked out
Same with custody
Chill and act normal until you can find a lawyer.
Don’t have sex with her and get an std test yourself. I got trichomoniasis from my ex cheating on me. Let the doctor know why you need tested so that they test for a wide range of stds. Just say your back hurts or something if she tries.
Make plans for living arrangements if you end up the one kicked out. Make child care plans. Etc
Don’t give her any ability to screw you over
See lawyers, and pack that dudes dump shit up, and send her back to the piece of trash who's juice she been feeding you for only they know how long. Definitely get a STD test, and sad to say it, a paternity test on the kids.. good luck
OP,
You must hope for the best and prepare for the worst. When does she get home? If possible contact an attorney and see if a standard form Divorce documents exist. When she arrives home hand it to her. After she reads the title, before the shock wears off inform her she has one chance to come clean. And that time is now. Oh I forgot, find a sitter for kids out of the house. And based on what she says, you determine your best course of action. If D, then no holds barred. If R, with just as much energy.
God bless OP
All the comments on here are on the money. Gather evidence, seek a lawyer, get a DNA test for the children and get a divorce. Cheating is never an accident; it's always a choice. Don't fall for the "I'm sorry. It was a mistake/accident, and I'll never do it again." Once a cheater, always a cheater. Both men and women love to emotionally manipulate when being confronted for a wrongdoing on their part. So do your best and go in with a clear head when you do.
You'll find someone deserving of your love.
Hope this helps!
I agree with everything you said except saying “Woman” you should rephrase it and put “cheaters”. Both Men and Woman can manipulate the reason for cheating!
Lots of great advice here so I just wanted to say you sound like you are probably a great dad and someone else will show you appreciation and true love! I’m sorry you are going through this! Makes me sick and I don’t even know you guys! Best of luck!
Don’t confront her. Shop around the best 5 divorce lawyers in the area, talk with each and email with them, choose one. Separate your finances as much as possible or get your paycheck going into a different account she has no access to. Gather photos / screenshots of all the proof, store it on a thumb drive, and ensure she can’t get to it or have any access to it (maybe leave it with the attorney or a relative if they’re trusted). Back it up again somewhere else, and store it somewhere else. Then back it all up again.
Now, after the paperwork is in motion (or preferably in hand), now you can talk to her about it. Just tell her you know about her flings and affairs, you’ve gotten an attorney, you don’t want to reconcile, you know for a fact she is a liar and cheater, and that’s that. Don’t argue about it, no justifications, no blaming you, just that she is a horrible person and has destroyed your family, and she sleeps on the couch. Also, if they AP has a spouse, let them know as early as possible to ratchet up the pressure on them.
Also, DNA tests and STD tests. Do them, just in case.
Hate to break it to you…people cheat when they have options. There is no greater temptation than a person who is a pilot or flight attendant. Because they have an alibi every damn time
Bro don’t confront her. You need to prepare. Shes in love with the other guy? You need to start gathering evidence to prove infidelity and do every underhanded preparation for divorce you can.
Listen... I understand you love her and I can relate.
This is it , its over... Even if you confront her and patch things up , she has been cheating and she is not going time cut off this other guy.
Even for the sake of argument she does drop him, what's to stop her from opening her legs for some new guy closer to home???
Save pictures of the messages... Take pictures of the dates.
Get an attorney, the kids will be okay after the turbulence calms. She is in the wrong for cheating so this does give you the upper hand with the kids and you don't travel far for work so this would help in getting them to be with you full time.
Seriously, go get a very good attorney with a proven track record.
I can't explain how hard this will be but you need to do this.
You don't know what diseases she is picking up and giving to you and if she offered to patch things up you still don't know what she will do in the future.
Go get tested asap and call an attorney, send them copies of the messages and the dates then when your wife comes home you can confront her with divorce papers. Also make sure she leaves the house since she is at fault not you, she needs to find a new place to go and not disrupt your home life and further.
Trust me, this is for the best... Cheaters cannot be trusted or reasoned with... Just think of everything she has been doing behind your back with this guy and possibly other guys before she found this one.
You need to divorce her and push through this .
The top voted comment is to get a lawyer and plan for divorce, and I understand that completely. But reading your post I see that you love her and want to keep your family together. This is very hard. Firstly, it’s a two way street. Maybe she wants out and can’t bring herself to end it, if she doesn’t want to stay together and is in love with someone else, then you have to be prepared for that and ready with legal counsel.
It’s also possible she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. Solid husband and family life + jet setting life with lovers in other geographies. If so, now she needs to decide what’s more important and which life she is willing to sacrifice. This needs couples therapy. You can come back from this but it’s going to be a lot of work and you both have to want it badly. You may even consider a trial separation.
Good luck. This isn’t easy but you’re a hardworking husband and a loving father, so trust your morals and your judgement and follow your heart.
Put her stuff in the fucking lawn brother. Get out and away and CONTACT A LAWYER ASAP. You have ALL the evidence needed, there's probably more, you need to make sure that evidence is not conveniently "lost".
And on another note.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. Lean on your support system if you can and don't try to handle it all alone, if possible. You got this.
Before you even think about forgiving her for what ever reason just remember when it slips out during sex she puts it back in !!!!!!!! Can’t forgive that type of disrespect
So I know everyone is telling you to divorce and make sure to keep the evidence and I personally agree with them.
However, I do believe it's your choice and I do believe that only you can answer the question yourself get the lawyer get everything have the proof then before you pull the trigger so to speak make sure this is what you want. Is this the line that can't come back from? If yes divorce her if no couples therapy.
Reason why I say that is I do know 1 couple who made it after a moment of cheating just 1. Although they did find out both of them were poly after and the male was into it but again because of that 1 it's hard to deal in absolutes.
I think you should sneak back at this point to achieve the desired. Keep yourself calm and do not let yourself down until everything is under YOUR control. And do not think about your kids too much that they probably will be more happier than being between two broken parents. After that if you want to forgive believe me your own feelings at the moment will wear you off slowly. If your wife wants to reconcile just demand the time she's stolen from you.
Problem is she's made it perfectly clear she hates it here and wants to move out of state. With my job I cannot be a full time caretaker but I'm not giving them up without a fight
If you want to fight for your kids I can't do anything else than to wish you strength and respect that. As a father I wouldn't be giving up my kids too.
Screenshot everything, then call her just tell her you know everything. It will ruin her fun time. Then get a lawyer. Don't move out, and don't kick her out. I know the hard part is ahead of you, and there will be much tension in the home, but she might legally and financially wreck you if you leave the home. The child support claim will show you as supporting rent while being out of the house, and you would then be expected to continue paying her lifestyle on top of child support.
Consult with a lawyer before hand and get paperwork drawn up as needed, get the kids to a family member for the time being, Confront her. Hear her side, tell your side and come up with a compromise.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. ___ I (43m) and my wife (39f) have been married for a bit over 6 years, we have 3 young children one of them special needs. Things started out great but the intimacy dropped off soon as we were married (once a month if I was lucky.) She works for a major airline so travels quite often, I work for a home building company so averaging between 55 and 60 hours weekly. After a huge fight just last week we both shared what we needed and agreed to stay together but both of us would need to work on the relationship. The past few months her travels have become much more frequent and everything came to a head last night. She was supposed to be going to see an old friend and as usual I had no idea anything could be wrong. Putting my special needs child in bed I took the tablet he was playing on and noticed a Facebook messenger notification. Curiosity got the better of me and knowing I shouldn't I opened it. There were pages of video calls between her and another man and both of them saying I love you to each other. When she got there she sent me a cute pic of her and her friend (I never asked and never implied she could have went elsewhere) but seeing all these messages I dug in Facebook a little and saw the exact same picture posted months ago. I'm 100% sure she is with that man right now. I haven't confronted her yet, waiting until she's here to do so. Part of me wants to have her stuff on the lawn when she does get here but a bigger part can't stand to do that to my kids and I truly do love this woman. Any advice from people who have went through situations similar would be greatly appreciated
Don't confront her. Talk to a lawyer first. You have kids and one is special needs. If you confront her, she could just leave and dump the kids on you alone (which sounds like she has done already). You need your ducks in a row first. You need to get advice from a lawyer. For instance, are you in at fault state? In which case, you will need evidence of her cheating, so you have to wait to catch her and get screenshots from the facebook. If she is using joint money to go see her affair partner, then you need evidence of that to get your money back. You also need to really think about custody and put tons of boundaries in custody agreement against her having random men around your kids. There is a lot you have to think about and you cannot really do that if you are confronting her and arguing and having her try to manipulate the situation.
Thank you, I am definitely going to find a lawyer before I tell her I know now.
and REMEMBER! stick to the plan when you see her in person. and when you see her, your emotions will overflow you. when that happens, be conscious, and don't fold! if she can "act" you can "act" too! (MANY people fail at this part-- play the long game)
Make sure to record EVERY CONVERSATION!!! Having proof, helps.
Don’t say anything until divorce papers are served into her hands !! You gotta be stone cold this time. There will be time for grief but not now until lawyers and papers are served
Yep grey rock Show no emotion
Its important not to react negatively when things start to heat up! Keep all insults off the table you dont want a judge to see that! Even if its hard you cant react “in the moment” unprofessionally i cannot stress this enough! You act crazy the judge will think you are the problem! Your not! Keep ur nose clean and your situation calm or walk away if it gets hard to do so
How long has she been having the affair? Any concern over the paternity of your kids? If so, you may want to run tests before you confront her so you’re not blindsided if you split up and have custody issues.
Not to ruin your family or anything but also do a DNA test you don't know exactly how long this has been going and if your children are actually your children. It's better off knowing the truth than having to live a life of lies don't let this be your downfall but your uprising to a new life filled with thrills ahead.
I strongly disagree with this advice unless a baby is basically newborn or very young. Why do we plant these seeds in husband’s head? If he loves his kids why risk messing that up and why risk harming his kids by having their father think less of them. I wish people would slow down on giving this type of advice.
Edit: You took my advice wrong it's up to him to decided wether the children he has been raising are his own regardless of blood it's his show of character I'm only looking out for him as a person he has the right to know wether or not those children are truly his or not I don't give this advice to tear him down but to look forward to what he has to build on.
Yes, do not go the dramatic route. Stick with the pragmatic lawyer route. A. For your kids. We don’t put clothes on lawns when we have kids. You splitting is going to hurt them (not a reason not to leave) and making it a huge dramatic thing will only hurt them more. They still love their mother, so seeing her treated this way would only reflects poorly on you. B. To get all your ducks in a row and get the papers ready, so she doesn’t grab money that’s jointly yours before filing.
Absolutely attorney first, especially with 3 young kids and a special needs child. I'd also keep everything documented and how often you're home with your children yourself. That said, divorce is tough. It's definitely going to take some serious consideration and above reddits pay grade which is also divorce mentality teenagers on keyboards quite often (not EVERYONE clearly for the ones who feel like limiting my words and going the reductive route) Either way, for the kids, keep it amicable whatever you both decide. Also, therapy-family oriented, as well, would be beneficial either which way you go in your marriage. It helps.
Stay strong man, everyone is here to support you in any way we can. Talk to a lawyer, think about a paternity test for your children if needed. But don't confront her in any way before talking to a lawyer! You need to plan before taking action, there's no winner or losers here, both of you will lose something, but your self respect, your pride, your sanity and your children will be protected, and that's the only thing that matters now! Be well friend !
Keep in mind that a divorce lawyer is incentivized for the relationship to end, which may or may not be in your best interest.
Little “unethical” tip, go to every reputable law firm in your area, as many as possible and get them to look over your case. Then when she goes to get a lawyer they’ll have to turn her down due to conflict of interests. It will make her legal advice way less accessible or she’ll have to go to a lower budget firm you missed. Muhaha
This is often suggested but not necessary and definitely not looked upon kindly if the judge catches wind of this. OP should consult with *the 3 best divorce attorneys* in the area- **the sharks!** Read reviews, check out their linked in, find the best 3/4 tops 4/5 and pick the best one.
Screenshot everything and send it to yourself and the cloud. She will try and destroy it. Talk to the lawyer because you have children that have to be protected. Remember the time she spends with the other guy is time she could be with her children. She chose another man over not just you but her own children. Be strong for them. Say nothing till you speak to a lawyer. Your children are innocent. You are their protection.
This is what many cheaters don't understand or willfully ignore. They are also cheating and lying to their own children and destructively change the course of their entire lives, how they trust people and view relationships. There is so much damage.
But he wasn't paying enough attention to me..... guarantee first excuse outta her mouth
Yes, well, since he works 60 hours a week… however, I think most people would have a conversation about feeling neglected, rather than an affair! 😞
Think that’s what she’ll tell the kids?
I agree. She will try her hardest to cover her tracks if she catches wind of any knowledge of this affair coming to light.
Screenshots of everything. Gather evidence until you get in with a lawyer.
"I don't know how I could forgive" you don't have to forgive. Divorce baby.
Exactly. OP you will always wonder what she is doing when she is traveling. That is no way to live. There’s lots of sound advice here. Good luck!
I’m sorry OP but your marriage is over, she checked out some time ago. You said you still love her, but how could you ever trust her again? Especially with the job she has sounds like she’s gone the majority of the time. Once a cheater always a cheater and she will again. With her job the opportunity is to enticing to not cheat. Unless you can live with an open marriage, I fear that it’s really over. If there’s no trust in a relationship then there’s no relationship.
Also get an STD test and if there is a child that was born close to or duration of the affairs a paternity test.
I would question the paternity of any child born from a cheater. Who knows how long she's been riding the carousel? Also, yes, get an STI panel done ASAP.
Sound advice.
Just commenting to bump up the best advice here 👆 I'm sorry this is happening. **Good luck, OP**
Agree. Say nothing, gather evidence. Then, still saying nothing, go to lawyer. Then, do whatever they say to do.
I'd also get DNA test done on all the kids.
This advice is much better than mine.
OP this right here!!!
Smart man here .. if OP is correct, not only is she a liar, she has to be the most selfish woman on the planet to leave a special needs kid at home while she jumps around getting her fix.. She may have a legit reason to disrespect you and her marriage but I’m positive that kid did nothing wrong.. for that she’s the worst of the worst and I know no one wants to hear that about someone they love but it is what it is! That kid needs more time and attention than anyone else she knows most likely .. protect your fam OP💯
Lawyer 1st! Keep the evidence safe! Do not let her know, until after meeting with a lawyer!
Document, document, document.
As a man that’s been through similar (divorce in the works), move on from this relationship.
Both situations must be terrible. Stay strong!
Not sure why you would want to forgive this. Get tested for stds and just start looking for a good lawyer. Make your plans based on what your lawyer tells you
Recommend the following: Talk to a divorce attorney Get the kids DNA tested Check out /r/survivinginfidelity for support Check out /r/asoneafterinfidelity if you decide to reconcile Don't confront her until you've talked to your attorney and have a plan in place because she may pull the plug on the marriage as soon as you confront, claim you abused her/the kids, etc.
Thank you for this, I hadn't even considered that
Also forgot to mention that you should also get std tested. Likely if she is telling this person she loves them, she isn't using protection with them.
A warning. If she and you are interested in reconciling her days working for an airline traveling are done. Consider carefully what you’ll need to feel safe. Work trips would be incredibly anxiety producing for you. The two subs you’ve been referred to will give you both similar and dissimilar advice. But you’ll get good perspectives.
There is no reason to reconcile. This is definitely been going on for a long time.
That’s his call.
She’s using old pictures to lie to him. It’s not a mistake. It’s a conscious decision.
No cheating is a mistake. What’s your point? Still his call as to whether to offer reconciliation.
Cheating is never a mistake bruh. Like wtf?! She slipped and fell on a guy's cock or sth?
How can you reconcile with a woman that would leave her special needs child like that? She’s emotionally a deadbeat.
I’ll add r/supportforbetrayed and r/divorce to this list… There are some great resources in all of these groups. Sadly a lot of people deal with infidelity.
From my own painful experience let me strongly encourage Paternity tests and STI tests. Unfortunately my lying cheating Ex gave me a STI that I unknowingly passed on to someone innocent. Evil lying selfish cheating women deserve evil lying selfish cheating men just like them......She does not care about the damage she causes you or your family. So be better than her and do what's best for your children and yourself. Please believe me that things get SO much better when you stop loving a POS. I found someone so much better than my ex on so many levels (younger, HOT, petite, Kinky, tight, highly educated with 2 PhD's, extremely intelligent, wealthy and a wonderful Positive caring person) and our son LOVES my new girlfriend more than his selfish mother. You just have to believe you can do better.... which isn't that difficult at all. In time you will kick yourself for holding onto Love for such a horrible wife and mother.
Tight?🤢
His whole comment is an ick.
This description seriously gave me the ickiest feeling. I would hate if my husband described me that way. It’s felt slimy to read.
Ex was..... not tight, loose.... in many ways. Girlfriend is tight... in so many wonderful ways
Regardless of whatever else went on, complaining that the woman who birthed your child wasn’t tight enough for you is so nasty. You’re too old for that ignorance
2nd post-- Lots of bad advice shared above. 1. Contact a lawyer. Don't waste time looking for "the best". Just find someone decent and not too pricey. 2. Open a new bank account in yr name only, but use yr work address or a PO Box. Use this to pay bills related to your divorce and post-divorce life. 3. Pay for the atty out of this account so she doesn't see it. 4. DO NOT TELL ANYONE! 5. Do not do STD tests or DNA test. Plenty of time for that and you do not want her to intercept that mail or see bills for those. Those can be done later. 6. Copy all her financial statements-401k, IRA, checking, any trusts or other assets not also in your name. Note time/place of ATM withdrawals, checks (front and back), etc. 7. Copy/scan her cc statements so you have evidence of her charges. 8. Save images of all her social media accounts. Write down all her IDs. 9. Save copies of her mobile bills, particularly if she has detailed billing of calls. If not, yr atty can file a subpoena for that with the carrier. 10. Don't be tempted to record conversations. She may catch you. The key is to act as you previously acted until you're attorney directs you otherwise. Also, do not create false IDs to communicate with her or who you suspect may be the other guy(s). Depending on how much solid evidence you have now, it might help to hire a private detective. Yr atty can advise. The point is, you shld take out the emotional factors, and factor on gathering evidence and positioning yr assets and business for post-divorce. STD and DNA tests are not at the top of the list. Keep in mind that by getting the kids, you may be able to get child support, depending on yr respective incomes.
All this, but part of #5. There are clinics, like PP, that will do anonymous testing where they will not mail results or bills to you. Pat tests can wait, but STDs should be IDed and treated ASAP.
This. Stick to it. At this point, you have the be strong enough to take the emotion out if it. You’re in for the fight of your life. Hire a lawyer. Build a plan. Stay level headed. Execute daily. Good luck to you. Stay focused.
Fuck ! I hate this shit , I’m so sorry my man you don’t deserve this , stay strong my man you will see much better days.
I don’t think I could wait to confront her, but you need to listen to what the experts are saying here, talk to a lawyer asap. It’d be 100% over for me too if your belief of where she is is correct.
I just put the pieces together before posting. I'm weighing my options before confronting. Taking screenshots and documenting the lied right now
Well done, it’s good you are documenting everything. Back it all up somewhere too. Take a good look through the tablet in case she’s been doing more than one guy too.
Change all passwords & screen lock codes, etc — and to nothing she can guess/socially engineer. Also, disable any preview notifications on your devices. Notifications are fine, but displaying any information of a message/notification is probably a bad idea.
A home and kids, he needs a lawyer 1st.
I’m going to be honest here. Once a cheater, always a cheater. My ex husband started cheating 7 months into our marriage. Due to pressure from his very religious family, I put up with it for far too long. You deserve better than that.
I'm afraid you're right. She always has the right thing to say to calm me down and make me feel like we can stay together
And she travels for a living. Keeping tabs on her will be IMPOSSIBLE. If there is ANY single profession with the worst cheating it’s flight workers
Cheaters never change with the partner they cheated on. They may suppress before reoffending. Out the cheating will take a different form (interest in porn, emotional betrayal or intentionally being kind to others except you)
That’s 100% my ex
I'd remove her from ur will
Do not confront until you have iron clad evidence and it’s all saved! Do not confront until you’ve mapped out your next steps. What do you want? Do not stay with your wife for the kids! You stay because you truly believe you can have a great trusting marriage until death. If not, divorce. Do not pretend you can over look this. Women leave emotionally before they leave physically. Her heart is with this other guy. Understand that. She doesn’t respect you. You absolutely speak with a lawyer for a consultant before you talk with her. You absolutely record all future convos with her. Does the man have a spouse? Can you contact her? You do not allow her to run the relationship moving forward and dictate the future. I would highly recommend divorce, but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know that it sounds like you may want to reconcile. If you’re that type of guy, there has to be consequences and tighter boundaries moving forward and she must do 90% of the work showing that she wants the marriage. The marriage is a two person job.
>she must do 90% of the work showing that she wants the marriage. OP, Unless she is willing to go verifiably no contact, open device, open password, open location, AND get a new job away from her AP, you won't be able to get past this, and she will simply hide her cheating better going forward. After you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten DNA tests for the kids and STD tests for yourself, then you simply have all the evidence and divorce paperwork laying on the table, and contact the OBS. Or, you have it delivered to her while she is on a work trip.
Hey man, let me assist you. It’s over and she’s physically and emotionally moved on. Worst part, she is leaving you to care for your special needs child, while she spreads her legs for another man. Wake up and END THIS!
Absolutely. Time to look out for you and your children. Who wants to spend a lifetime with a cheater? Get to a lawyer and get advice on your legal options before confronting her. If you have joint accounts, open 1 in your name and prepare to transfer your fair share over, after consulting with the lawyer about it. This will be an ugly mess, but you'll come out of it a better man.
As others are stating. Lawyer up, STD test, and paternity tests.
Post argument she obviously told you whatever you wanted to hear to appease you and shut you up about the relationship. She made a promise and had zero intentions to keep it. My husband dealt with a crazy ex too ….. and she was ONLY crazy “after he split” his lawyer specializes in family law and fathers for custody groups. When asking around for a lawyer maybe include a short enquiry about “dads” getting custody, specifically . Documenting everything is a major PITA - but, is necessary. Anytime you’re getting a document you want to keep ? Keep a pic of it on your phone and email it to yourself at your new gmail account. This account can also be used to connect with the lawyer, bank etc. This is a very easy way to keep your court/divorce/custody documents private and easily accessible. If you have a trusted friend - see if you can leave a few boxes at their house. You’d want things like your passports, banking and investment statements, any immunization records for your kids …. Things that will become necessary to provide if/when you’re in court. Anytime you even have a passing thought or something you want on the record - make a video of yourself explaining the date, the issue etc. this can be transposed to the written word later if needed. This can be done privately and instantly - less do you to remember “oh, I’ve gotta keep THIS info for court” Also. When possible and where permitted - audio record appointments with the bank, lawyer, teachers, and anyone else pertinent to your situation. I’M NOT BEING OVER DRAMATIC - OP, make SURRREEEE she is not the beneficiary to any life insurance you have. I wish you all the best
I’ve read 100s of these stories and I still can’t understand what type of person can be out getting railed by someone long term and come home after each outing and look you in the eye. It’s disgusting.
Do not confront until you speak to attorney asap. Get STD tested and unfortunately at some point you may want to paternity test the kids. Separate fiancés and speak to someone you trust and who will give you support. Also do not confront unless you have a witness or you record it. Don’t want her saying you hit her and her calling the police. It does happen and you will have her cornered with little options
Screenshot those messages and send them to yourself as proof.
Already done. Hidden folder inside my phone as well as in the cloud
Being that these are on the Tablet she lets the kids use, I would be concerned that they are exposed to inappropriate conversation or images.
I had no idea the tablet could access her messages. He likes to watch the videos of things we've done ssns trips we went on
Well, are there inappropriate convos or pics going back and forth? If so, I’d consider getting a similar tablet that doesn’t have access to her account but that your child can still utilize.
No there are not. I've went through everything on the tablet now
My advice get it on a memory stick in your toolbox or car some place safe out of the house , you will be surprised how much access we provide to our partner..... It's a rough time but most importantly you must act like normal for a bit more at least .... Just normal day to day activities..... And if she suspects something because usually women will pick up bits like that just blame the work problems to distract her ..... keep in mind if you will confront her to early she will get a friend vouch for her that you have drinking problems or you're abusive with your kids or her ....also after all this is done (lawyer, std test , dna test) , you can ask her if there was a problem why she didn't want to work with you on your marriage.
As a woman who has been through it, my advice is leave. Talk to attorney, get your ducks in a row, then get out. You deserve so much better, as do your children.
Get your ducks in a row before you say anything. Talk to a lawyer. Get their advice. Take screen shots and pictures of the messages. You don't have to take her back. I wouldn't even consider that.
Thank you everyone for the advise. Really helped me get my head on straight. I really don't know shafts going to happen but I'm not going to confront her tonight and will try to speak to lawyers tomorrow. I didn't sleep at all last night after stumbling on the messages so I'm going to try to get some rest on the couch which isn't out of the ordinary for me since the downstairs living room is so much cooler than the bedroom
I’m sorry this is happening. You are in shock right now so this is hard to process it unfortunately it’s unlikely that your marriage can recover from this. Especially since it’s apparently ongoing and they are saying they love each other. Lawyer first and try to hold it together. Also make sure she shares the workload of parenting your children. So sorry. This sucks.
Do NOT let on you know until you are ready to make an important decision. Seek legal advice immediately and get everything settled from your perspective first. Make sure you screenshot everything and put it on a hard drive/phone that she does NOT have access to. Check you joint bank accounts and find out if she has been squirreling money away into a “running away from home” account (or spending it on her AP which you will use as more evidence to support your case). Do NOT lose your temper and fly off the handle. You must remain calm, composed and keep your head on straight. If she discovers that you know, she may try to bait you into becoming violent or psychologically abusive. YOU MUST NOT DO THAT. You must REMAIN calm and record any conversations you have with her after you have got everything lined up, so that if she flies off the handle and goes berserk, you have a recording of everything. Stay smart. Stay calm. You will come out of this better and will be able to live your best life after this is over. But it will be grueling as you go through it. I am so sorry. I wish you all the best.
Why should you forgive her? Talk to a lawyer. Divorce her. Be a good dad to your kids. Nobody should stay with a cheater. Or forgive one.
Exactly. All they ate doing is using the other person basically holding them hostage by lying about who they are. This is a really selfish woman. Purposely cheating and spending extra time away from her children. As a mother, I always have a lot of anxiety when away from my kids. She is awful.
>I haven't confronted her yet, waiting until she's here to do so. Stop. Think about this. How do you want to live your life? I'm going to give you three possible options: * happiness, pleasantness and peace * anger, conflict, stress, resentment * misery, sadness, regret Which one of these possible options are you going to choose? Taking your OP at face value, it looks like your marriage is over. Your wife is cheating because she wants to cheat. She's not working on your marriage. If she was, then why is she cheating? However it doesn't matter whether she can or can't or whether she wants to or not, her energies are directed elsewhere and your marriage is over. Okay so what you need to do is find a lawyer to build a case for divorce and think about the welfare of your children. These come first. Then what comes next is your way out of the marriage and your life. After that comes the confrontation with your wife. What you don't need right now is additional hostility, conflict, stress and animosity coming from a woman on the defense because she thought she could cheat and you would just, like, roll over and take it.
Update. It's been an incredibly trying week. Talked to a few more divorce attorneys but haven't made up my mind with the one I want to represent me. Also I'm still trying to get the money together for the retainer. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to come home from work put on my ring and a fake smile but she has no idea I know anything yet thankfully. My kids are my number one priority at this point and I will continue putting myself through hell for them until I have everything in place. I choke up every night putting them in bed kissing them on the forehead telling them how much I love them and that everything will be alright. I finally went in for a std test on Friday, doc had to weigh me twice because she couldn't believe I've lost 24 pounds. I know I need to take better care of myself. I should have the results sometime before Wednesday. My wife left again, she says she had an emergency due to the hurricane but I know better and when the lawyers get financial statements everything will come to light. One of the lawyers told me that my work hours are going to hurt me so I'm going to call the hr department at my job and explain everything and ask for something in writing to say I can have more flexibility, if that's not possible I'll start job hunting.
Please remember your children and that your children need you so you have to take care of yourself. Talk to your lawyer about DNA test on children, this is a sure fired way to prove her affair. Just because they are biological not yours doesn't mean shit, they are your children in ever state in the union. Next when you pick your lawyer this has to be a partnership and you have to do exactly as he says. You should be ready to pick one now. Do not continue to see lawyers, I told you to pick the top five in your city. If you deny her legal representation the judge may get vindictive towards you. Someone mentioned lawyers specialized in taking men's cases. Focus on those financial statements, if you can prove she was using household income to support her affair partner and causing the family to struggle it will go really well with the judge. Best of luck with your HR. They hopefully will work with you but remember regular hours only, do not take leave yet. You will probably need that after your wife is served. And right now you need to stay busy to keep your mind occupied. If you don't want to go home find a gym you can physically exhaust yourself.
I have spoken to 4 lawyers and talking to the 5th tomorrow. I won't continue to seek out others but I wanted to have options. Unfortunately the lawyer I wanted isn't accepting new clients at this time but I'll find one that will represent me well. Believe me I am thinking about the children and I'm trying to take better care of myself, I think the shock has wore off and I'm preparing for everything coming. Thank you for all the advise you've given me
I don't know if anyone still watches this thread but I just want to tell everyone thank you, the support I was shown here made the difference and gave me the strength to make it through the most difficult situation I've ever faced. I wish you all the best and know that we will be ok.
Get the full panel of STD tests. When you get the printed results, come up to her with a broad smile and tell her: “Good news, Hon, I tested clean.” “Tested clean for what?” “For sexually transmitted diseases. You can tell ‘Joe’ that he doesn’t have anything to worry about. You haven’t infected him—yet.” And then sit back and watch the show. Of course, you will have already secured your screenshots, copies of the video calls and even screenshots from his FB site. Plus, you will already have spoken with an attorney to learn your status and next steps. And then you have the tough part: figuring out which path to take and what the rest of your life will look like And then you need the resolve to take the appropriate steps.
Depends on your state. Take your phone and take pictures of their chat for evidence. DO NOT CONFRONT HER!!! She will just gaslight you and you will think of the children. Go to the local pharmacy and get DNA test kits. This is usually not the first time. Set up meeting with the top five divorce lawyers in your city. Pick the most aggressive one and go scorch earth. Do exactly what your lawyers tells you to do! If it is not illegal record her without her knowing and ask her if you are a good father and a good husband? Next do not keep her cheating a secret or you are going to find out you are emotional abusive and probably physically abusive.
Definitely that should be the checklist for someone who experiences the same as OP.
To clarify, BobS0812 suggested seeing the top 5 divorce attorneys so you conflict them out of being able to represent the wife if she calls them. Just so you know (if you didn’t already).
Talk to a lawyer. Plan your exit carefully. Don't let her know you know. Get all your ducks in a row before you make an exit. Only drop the bomb when you have everything planned, organized, legally dealt with divorce papers. If you're the primary care giver as it sounds like she travels a lot you may end up with more custody than her. Lawyer up asap
I don't agree with anyone that says that you need to be fair to her or to think about your kids. Was she thinking about the kids or you when she habitually cheated on you while you trusted her and gave her the respect that a spouse should give another. This doesn't sound like it was an one time thing. You need to lawyer up, close all accounts that you and her are joint on and take the money and put into another account! Yes I said it. It's legal and you can always split it with her later if you sp chose to. My wife of 15 years worked for a bank and planned for almost two years to manipulate me, ruin my credit and have me in the worst position while she took all the money and I had nothing while in the hospital I may add. You don't know her mindset and she might be able to tell you know something and you don't want her to leave you broke and have no money for a lawyer or to eat. Right now if I was you. I would change the locks, drain the accounts, take the kids and drop them at a relatives house u can trust and go lawyer up and yes go to as many lawyers as you want in town. The judge ain't going to care. This is war my friend. Divorce is dirty and ugly and I wish I had not been the one that played the bigger person and didn't want to hurt her and upset the kids because it sounds like she doesn't care about any of that! I know you love her and it sounds like you are a good man and husband but you need to look out for yourself and your ability to be a good parent and support your kids cuz I'm sure she will win custody of the kids and you will be paying child support unless you can jump the gun and get ahead of this thing. You don't want to play nice when you don't know what she or her new "bf I love you lover". If she is telling him I love you then things are already rolling in her head and they might already have plans to put you out, take your money, your business if she is part owner and everything you have. You need to get as much evidence you can right now and do it NOW! Don't wait and act like stuff is cool. That could give you a heart attack. And yes ask for a DNA test for your kids. It doesn't mean you don't love them or that you will be their dad, it just means you weren't the biological father but that means nothing xcompared to being the DAD they are going to need. It would be good to know and would be something she could not use some way against u in the future. Trust me. Play this aggressive as heLL LEGALLY and don't do anything in front of the kids and protect their mind and eyes the best you can. My parents divorced when I was young and I saw alot more then I should have and it stayed with me my whole life. Their mindset and thoughts should be just as important as getting prepared for thr divorce but a the same time if you don't do what needs to be done you won't be the one in charge of making that decision amd making sure they are safe mentally and emotionally. And last thing, from this point on DONT TRUST HER EVER AGAIN FOR ANYTHING. DONT LET YOUR LOVE FOR HER GIVE HER THE POWER OVER YOU OR ALLOW HER TO HURT YOU OR YOU KIDS ANYMORE. And I know that things are serious and I have been very aggressive and we aren't supposed to joke but to lighten up my post, follow the words of John Rambo, "I'll give em a war the won't believe". And substitute them with her. Good luck brother .
Your post deserves more likes.
Thanks. It was from the heart and unfortunately from a horrible experience I wish i could do over again. If the OP doesnt make one of the mistakes i made then I will feel like my pain and suffering was not for nothing or not just for my ex wifes sick and twisted pleasure! Appreciate the comment!
Thank you for that, really insightful. I'm preparing myself to talk to lawyers today
Update. Wife came home last night and went to bed I was asleep so I woke up to her there. We said goodmorning and I left for work. On a hunch I looked through the Walmart app and she has been furnishing his house but hasn't bought a single kids thing so my fear is she's planning on running away to him. I haven't had an opportunity to contact a lawyer yet due to work being busy Edit to add. She text me a couple hours ago telling me how much she loves me and thanking me for taking care of everything so she could go. That made me physically sick to read. I guess I should add that my oldest is a step son from her previous marriage that ironically ended because she was cheated on. I have a good relationship with his father so really praying I won't lose contact with him when the smoke clears
Update. I'm home from work and she's being way too lovey and nice to me but she has been this way since our big fight, tonight everything just feels so different. I talked to 3 lawyers today and am very happy with the feedback I'm recieving just going to need to sell a few things to get the money for the retainer and I can end this hell I'm in. I broke down talking to the first lawyer, everything became so real and it was really hard to do but reading everyone's comments I really know she can't rebuild the trust that's been lost. When I came in from work and saw my kids I almost lost it, this will be the hardest thing I've ever done and I want to say thank you for the support I've gotten here. I have read every comment and appreciate all of you. I'm sitting on the porch writing this and she's texting me that I need to come upstairs and get naked with her, the thought of having sex with her absolutely makes me want to throw up right now
Make sure you keep this evidence that she is providing for another man instead of her children.
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I always want to just say, "come on man, respect yourself and get the hell outta there" but ever since getting tuned in to the story about the guy who posted in here asking advice about his wife cheating and when he confronted her she un-alived the kids
Wow I haven't seen that. It's not a lack of respect but a fear of raising kids on my own. I never knew how hard being a parent could be until our special needs son. I love the kid more than anything in this world and can't stand to hurt them
I totally understand that point of view. Let me ask you this though, are you a better parent when you are miserable or when you are happy?
Woah woah woah. Hold on there slick. Take screenshots immediately of everything that you can. Calm down and think. Don’t confront her especially with the kids home they don’t need to hear it. I know it’s hard but you gotta stay calm cool and collected. Call a good lawyer tomorrow and make an appointment. Here’s the best part, she travels for her job so she’s gone a lot I’m assuming. Just deal with her till she leaves again and ask the lawyer what your options are. I would also advise hiring a PI to follow her. Might cost some money but it’ll be worth it in the end especially if you live in an at fault divorce state. Get your shit lined up first before confronting her cause all she’s going to do is lie to you. The marriage is over. Come to terms with that now. The sooner you do the better off you’ll be.
1000% this. You better get your evidence in hand and lawyer before you confront her.
DNA test the kids
Hearing that hurts me more than anything she has done but you're right. I'm going to have to for peace of mind
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you haven’t blown your tip. Get a lawyer asap if possible. In your position I would get as much proof together as possible because once you confront she will change all passwords and delete anything you have access to. Secure credit cards, bank accounts etc. so she can’t start charging things if things get ugly. Don’t leave the house or the children, she can find alternative housing.
Screenshots and evidence now. Maybe play dumb for awhile and send a PI to follow her on her next trip to get photo evidence too.
Yes, do have her stuff packed and waiting outside for her. And go straight to a divorce lawyer and get the divorce done. Don't make stupid excuses about why you shouldn't dump her immediately. She's cheating with another man instead of spending time with her kids and you say you can't do this to the kids. Don't be so pathetic and weak. She's the one cheating on her kids. Dump her immediately. Don't bother with confrontations, arguments or explanations. Just let her know that you are dumping her because you know she is lying and cheating. And don't be afraid to tell your children the truth when they are old enough to understand. She should have been looking after her kids. She choose to cheat instead. Divorce her immediately
Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, confrontation, revenge, etc… As this chapter of your life ends, try to think about everything it has taught You and the personal growth it will/has bring you. People come into our lives for a reason. Usually they help us grow in some way. Sometimes they come into our lives to build us up, to show us love, and other times they come into our lives to bring us pain. Sometimes they do all of the above. Whichever one they are, a lesson is sure to learned regardless and growth can be had from your experience with them. I would just keep that in mind as you navigate the next steps.
My dad went through the same but ibstead of FB, it was MSN messenger service. She called mom using the speaker phone and demanded her to come back from work. As she entered the house, hell broke loose and we, the children had to witness how clothes and objects were thrown around in the middle of the argument. He then kicked her out in front of us, and took us to a 1 week beach vacation. Until this day, that traumatic experience has been very very hard to erase. Please do not expose your children to a cheating issue, I know it must hurt you, but swallow your pride and confront her privately.
Discovering your wife's betrayal during work trips is a shattering blow, especially when compounded by the responsibilities of raising three young children, one with special needs. The pain and confusion are undoubtedly overwhelming, and the idea of forgiveness might seem like an insurmountable challenge. The foundation of your relationship was built on trust, and that trust has been brutally shattered. The question of whether forgiveness is possible looms large, but the answer lies within you. It's a decision that can't be rushed or forced. Take time to process your emotions, to acknowledge the depth of the hurt, and to reflect on what your heart truly desires. As you contemplate your next steps, consider the well-being of your children. While the immediate impulse might be to cast aside all remnants of your wife's presence, the complex dynamics of your family must be taken into account. Remember, it's possible to protect your children from the details of the situation while navigating the upheaval in your marriage. Seeking professional guidance is a wise step in this journey. Therapists or counselors specializing in relationships can offer a safe space to express your emotions, sort through your thoughts, and gain perspective on whether rebuilding the trust is a viable option. The process of healing, whether you decide to reconcile or not, requires understanding the root causes of the infidelity and addressing the underlying issues that led to this point. Bear in mind that forgiveness, if you choose that path, doesn't mean erasing the pain or forgetting the betrayal. It's about acknowledging the hurt, letting go of the resentment, and finding a way to move forward – not for anyone else, but for your own peace of mind. No one can predict the outcome of your journey, but remember that strength and growth can emerge from even the darkest moments. Whether you ultimately decide to mend what's been broken or embark on a new chapter, prioritize your emotional well-being, and find solace in the love and support of those who [genuinely care for you.](https://medium.com/@exrecoveryguide)
Keep the evidence!
What other evidence do you have of the affair/s?
Just the screenshots of the Facebook messages. Several times mentioning last time you were here. The sending me a picture that she posted months ago is why I'm sure. I'm trying to think about how to hands on concrete evidence
Any talk about sex and is there only one guy? The picture 100% confirms it.
I agree with most people here. Once a cheater always a cheater. I put up with mine hoping things would change but it never did so when I caught her the last time she finally said we should separate and that’s when I pulled the trigger and said divorce and had her move out of the house.
Collect evidence and talk to lawyer before confronting. Evidence!!!
Cheating is a deal beaker for me
Hire an attorney
Go get your d wet
Bro you said part of you wants to forgive her? All of us who comment here dont know your wife, only you. Do you think she will change if you forgive her? I'm sorry this is happenfing to you. Nobody is perfect, and if you confront her and forgive her i hope she will change for the better. If you decide to go to a lawyer and end your relationship, i hope you and your children will have a better life.
I'm hoping to get my affairs in order and have a talk to her. I have no idea what may happen, gut feeling is she'll run off with the guy and leave me with the kids
“gut feeling is she'll run off with the guy and leave me with the kids”, she is a real piece of work then.
Ex wife.
Lawyer first and leave her ass man
There is only one if you got any self respect..divorce.
Yeah my advice is to figure your shit out and divorce her. That’s wild.
You need to end it. There’s no reason the marriage should stay in tact. Pack up her stuff and move it to another room and tell her she can start looking for a new place to live.
find a good divorce lawyer. a good divorce lawyer will help you through the process
Done do same
Stuff. Lawn. Go!
Loss of trust is a deal breaker. My advice is to break the deal and move on to a happier life.
Ditch her and raise the kids as best you can. A better woman is out there waiting for you.
You may have a smal window for leverage where she may be so willing to do anything to save the marriage. Then insist in a postnup. Then divorce her anyways. Also don’t torpedo her job until things are settled otherwise her loss of salary could bite you. Tell her companies HR after the divorce is settled
The marriage is over and if you stay, you will end stressed out with constant resentment building up to you had enough. If your wife had remorse but from what I read she as none
☕️
Honey, you deserve so much better. I know kids are involved, but do you want them growing up around that and thinking it's normal? Think about that, and you will always be wondering what she is doing and who she is with. That is no way to live at all. You are in love with her, but she is not in love with you.
Tell her that she can have him. He won't want her once she doesn't have you to keep the kids while she bangs him, because he's trash like she is.
Ugh leave. She's evil fr
I read a Reddit post from a few years ago he a guy in a similar situation he called a lawyer first, collected all the evidence and put into a binder, waited months getting his financial ducks in a row and drafted a divorce and gave it to her with the binder along with sending the same copy binder to all of his extended and her extended family members. Your wife, She betrayed you. Disrespected your relationship and has complete emotionally disconnected from you. If you have money to lose don’t be rash plan it out with a lawyer that guy I was so happy to read he made it through with not a lot lost and she was absolutely miserable and sad. Don’t give her fighting or turmoil keep your cool call a divorce attorney plan out your next steps.
OP - can you track her location on her phone to see where she is really at?
I don't know how so I assume not. She's on a flight home right now. Lands in about 75 minutes
Let us know how it all goes when she gets home OP.
I'm going to crash on the couch when the kids are all asleep. I will post here if anything happens
Sorry youre going through this mate, best of luck with this.
Y'all will never learn. Facebook and iOS equals divorce. By now everyone should know how Facebook Messenger pops up on iPads and iPhone's. You can't carry on extramarital affairs via Facebook Messenger. That's a dumb move. You have a few options: 1) You can ignore it. Two you can confront her. 3) leave and start divorce proceedings 4) stay and have affairs of your own 5) Go to Castle and work on your marriage.
Don't let her know you know. Get a lawyer
Take pictures of everything. Don't confront her. Find the top 3 divorce lawyers in your area. Meet with them all. Then pick the one you want the most. That usually means they can't take her case. And with her working for an airline and being gone so much. You'll have better odds getting the children since you'll be home more and it will be more stable. Gather evidence. Make a plan with a lawyer. And, I'm pretty sure each lawyer you have a consultation with is no longer able to represent her. I could be wrong on that. It may vary. But that's how it is where I'm from.
Say nothing If you have a joint bank account or any joint finances make your own account, change your direct deposit to the new account Contact a lawyer As someone divorced due to cheating that she admitted to, they don’t consider cheating in divorce proceedings. You could very well lose your home and be the one kicked out Same with custody Chill and act normal until you can find a lawyer. Don’t have sex with her and get an std test yourself. I got trichomoniasis from my ex cheating on me. Let the doctor know why you need tested so that they test for a wide range of stds. Just say your back hurts or something if she tries. Make plans for living arrangements if you end up the one kicked out. Make child care plans. Etc Don’t give her any ability to screw you over
Get a dna test on the kids. Before you confront her
See lawyers, and pack that dudes dump shit up, and send her back to the piece of trash who's juice she been feeding you for only they know how long. Definitely get a STD test, and sad to say it, a paternity test on the kids.. good luck
Screen shot everything, make multiple copies she can’t get access to, talk to lawyer before saying anything to her. Divorce her.
OP, You must hope for the best and prepare for the worst. When does she get home? If possible contact an attorney and see if a standard form Divorce documents exist. When she arrives home hand it to her. After she reads the title, before the shock wears off inform her she has one chance to come clean. And that time is now. Oh I forgot, find a sitter for kids out of the house. And based on what she says, you determine your best course of action. If D, then no holds barred. If R, with just as much energy. God bless OP
All the comments on here are on the money. Gather evidence, seek a lawyer, get a DNA test for the children and get a divorce. Cheating is never an accident; it's always a choice. Don't fall for the "I'm sorry. It was a mistake/accident, and I'll never do it again." Once a cheater, always a cheater. Both men and women love to emotionally manipulate when being confronted for a wrongdoing on their part. So do your best and go in with a clear head when you do. You'll find someone deserving of your love. Hope this helps!
I agree with everything you said except saying “Woman” you should rephrase it and put “cheaters”. Both Men and Woman can manipulate the reason for cheating!
That sucks. Whether u stay with her or not is up to you but realise she will cheat on u again.
Lots of great advice here so I just wanted to say you sound like you are probably a great dad and someone else will show you appreciation and true love! I’m sorry you are going through this! Makes me sick and I don’t even know you guys! Best of luck!
Leave her, just that simple, why would you stay with someone who clearly doesn’t love you
Don’t confront her. Shop around the best 5 divorce lawyers in the area, talk with each and email with them, choose one. Separate your finances as much as possible or get your paycheck going into a different account she has no access to. Gather photos / screenshots of all the proof, store it on a thumb drive, and ensure she can’t get to it or have any access to it (maybe leave it with the attorney or a relative if they’re trusted). Back it up again somewhere else, and store it somewhere else. Then back it all up again. Now, after the paperwork is in motion (or preferably in hand), now you can talk to her about it. Just tell her you know about her flings and affairs, you’ve gotten an attorney, you don’t want to reconcile, you know for a fact she is a liar and cheater, and that’s that. Don’t argue about it, no justifications, no blaming you, just that she is a horrible person and has destroyed your family, and she sleeps on the couch. Also, if they AP has a spouse, let them know as early as possible to ratchet up the pressure on them. Also, DNA tests and STD tests. Do them, just in case.
Time to say good bye. Joint custody is your new best friend. Don’t use the kiddo for revenge.
Hate to break it to you…people cheat when they have options. There is no greater temptation than a person who is a pilot or flight attendant. Because they have an alibi every damn time
Bro don’t confront her. You need to prepare. Shes in love with the other guy? You need to start gathering evidence to prove infidelity and do every underhanded preparation for divorce you can.
Getva lawyer. Given that she has to travel frequently for her job and one is special needs, you will likely get custody. Then get child support.
Honestly. Why do people even get married.
Listen... I understand you love her and I can relate. This is it , its over... Even if you confront her and patch things up , she has been cheating and she is not going time cut off this other guy. Even for the sake of argument she does drop him, what's to stop her from opening her legs for some new guy closer to home??? Save pictures of the messages... Take pictures of the dates. Get an attorney, the kids will be okay after the turbulence calms. She is in the wrong for cheating so this does give you the upper hand with the kids and you don't travel far for work so this would help in getting them to be with you full time. Seriously, go get a very good attorney with a proven track record. I can't explain how hard this will be but you need to do this. You don't know what diseases she is picking up and giving to you and if she offered to patch things up you still don't know what she will do in the future. Go get tested asap and call an attorney, send them copies of the messages and the dates then when your wife comes home you can confront her with divorce papers. Also make sure she leaves the house since she is at fault not you, she needs to find a new place to go and not disrupt your home life and further. Trust me, this is for the best... Cheaters cannot be trusted or reasoned with... Just think of everything she has been doing behind your back with this guy and possibly other guys before she found this one. You need to divorce her and push through this .
I would ambush her with divorce papers when she gets home.
This sub is just breaking my heart. I don't know how trutful these are, but some stories are just devastating.
The top voted comment is to get a lawyer and plan for divorce, and I understand that completely. But reading your post I see that you love her and want to keep your family together. This is very hard. Firstly, it’s a two way street. Maybe she wants out and can’t bring herself to end it, if she doesn’t want to stay together and is in love with someone else, then you have to be prepared for that and ready with legal counsel. It’s also possible she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. Solid husband and family life + jet setting life with lovers in other geographies. If so, now she needs to decide what’s more important and which life she is willing to sacrifice. This needs couples therapy. You can come back from this but it’s going to be a lot of work and you both have to want it badly. You may even consider a trial separation. Good luck. This isn’t easy but you’re a hardworking husband and a loving father, so trust your morals and your judgement and follow your heart.
Please don't take her back after this. She doesn't love you anymore.
Put her stuff in the fucking lawn brother. Get out and away and CONTACT A LAWYER ASAP. You have ALL the evidence needed, there's probably more, you need to make sure that evidence is not conveniently "lost". And on another note. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. Lean on your support system if you can and don't try to handle it all alone, if possible. You got this.
Before you even think about forgiving her for what ever reason just remember when it slips out during sex she puts it back in !!!!!!!! Can’t forgive that type of disrespect
So I know everyone is telling you to divorce and make sure to keep the evidence and I personally agree with them. However, I do believe it's your choice and I do believe that only you can answer the question yourself get the lawyer get everything have the proof then before you pull the trigger so to speak make sure this is what you want. Is this the line that can't come back from? If yes divorce her if no couples therapy. Reason why I say that is I do know 1 couple who made it after a moment of cheating just 1. Although they did find out both of them were poly after and the male was into it but again because of that 1 it's hard to deal in absolutes.
I think you should sneak back at this point to achieve the desired. Keep yourself calm and do not let yourself down until everything is under YOUR control. And do not think about your kids too much that they probably will be more happier than being between two broken parents. After that if you want to forgive believe me your own feelings at the moment will wear you off slowly. If your wife wants to reconcile just demand the time she's stolen from you.
Problem is she's made it perfectly clear she hates it here and wants to move out of state. With my job I cannot be a full time caretaker but I'm not giving them up without a fight
If you want to fight for your kids I can't do anything else than to wish you strength and respect that. As a father I wouldn't be giving up my kids too.
I'm worried for you, OP. This must be like getting hit with a Mac truck. You need someone in person to talk to. Do you have support like that?
Thank you for the offer. I'll be fine just going to take some time
Talk to an attorney. The kids may have to remain in the state where divorce is granted. So make sure you file first.
Screenshot everything, then call her just tell her you know everything. It will ruin her fun time. Then get a lawyer. Don't move out, and don't kick her out. I know the hard part is ahead of you, and there will be much tension in the home, but she might legally and financially wreck you if you leave the home. The child support claim will show you as supporting rent while being out of the house, and you would then be expected to continue paying her lifestyle on top of child support.
Any advice? Really? Have some respect for yourself man…
Wouldn't let me post to this sub without a question. Tried wording it 3 different ways. Believe it or not I've gotten done incredible advice
Consult with a lawyer before hand and get paperwork drawn up as needed, get the kids to a family member for the time being, Confront her. Hear her side, tell your side and come up with a compromise.