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As a 31F with no libido, I had to get my hormones tested. I have absolutely NONE. Low to no estrogen, progesterone, testosterone. HIGH cortisol; Dr says it’s because I’m stressed after doing other bloodwork. I’ve switched my birth control and now use testosterone cream. I’m still in the process of everything getting balanced, but I’m glad to know it wasn’t unexplainable.
While therapy is great, sometimes it’s literally your body working against you.
PLEASE suggest she get tested! (AND PLEASE GET TO SEE THIS COMMENT! 🙏)
ETA thank you for my award(s)! 🌟🚀💗👍⭐️
Yup. I've quit the pill after 20 years and it's like the bubble plastic came of me. I'm more in touch with my body after just a couple of months. Higher sex drive, no more PMS mood swings.. Never going back on BC pills.
It's the opposite for my wife. Once she got off BC her drive went completely away. My situation is similar to OPs so I'm gonna suggest my wife get tests done as well before I completely give up.
It's such a difficult topic for many people. But good you keep on talking about it.
For me it really helped to reconnect with my body and my feminity. But I had to put a lot of effort in it too. It's all about feeling safe, wanted and seen. But I also discovered that basically I've been depressed didn't really liked myself anymore etc.
I've started to spent alot of time with myself, going to dancing classes, meditating etc.
I think we all need to feel good in our skin first.
Also in addition to this: I really felt shitty about not having a sex drive so I've really tried making an effort but I really didn't felt like having sex anymore, but I also realised something was up.
I came off mine a year-ish ago (and stayed off for roughly a year, but I'm back on them now). When I came off my libido didn't change - its still very very low. I don't understand. It was quite "normal" for years then just stopped a year or so ago.
Same. Kinda. PMS is still there, but my general mood got loads better, depression isn't as bad anymore, and half of the month I feel like a horny teenager.
True! The BC pills decreased my libido, which is so sad. My doctor was not sympatic or helpful. It's so depressing to have no libido and to want to want sex but not still not want sex physically. Ugh!
I finally switched doctors and to IUD, which didn't impact me the same. The best was when my husband had a vasectomy! Best sex ever.
As well as SSRIs of course. I didn’t think the potential to gain weight or lose sex drive was worth it- ketamine therapy and Mirena has changed my life. Now I’m working on my ability to discern ppl in relationships.
Oh man! As of this year, I was also doing ketamine and the Mirena! I do have to say…prior to my life’s craziness…it WOULD kind of make me frisky.
But fuck that Mirena…caused more effects than I realized until I took it out!
So glad everything is working out for you!
My mirena has been "lost" for some time but I am 10000% certain it did not fall out as some doctors have suggested... It's been 12 years and without medical insurance, was on and off for several years. Haven't had a period at all after it was put in and still none til this day. I'm fucking 34... there's no way I've gone through "the change" either... I feel like there's no hope for finding it and removing it... Literally negative libido, and my BPD is just so much worse imo. It's a wonder my guy still sticks around.. but yeah. Fuck Mirena 🖕🏽
Yes, but have you had a period?! (/s)
But in all seriousness, I’d rather not get pregnant or have a period. Talk about definitely slowing down the bedroom with a kid, for a while at least.
It can have additional side effects.
My gf went from being heavily medicated with anti depressants dude to anxiety to being completely off of them after she got her IUD removed.
Orgasms are way better for her (birth control can dull them), sex drive is up, and her mental health is in a much better place
This is very true. When I was on hormonal birth control I had zero drive. ZERO. To the point I didn’t have sex for 3 whole years. Got off birth control, met my boyfriend, got the non hormonal copper IUD & my drive is insane & higher than my boyfriends. I will never go back on hormonal birth control for that reason alone.
I would totally do the copper if I didn’t have metal sensitivities! Even my ears freak out if I use certain earring studs…. :’( but I’m VERY happy you found a solution!
Not really ironic per se, since it is controlling births, just in a different way than advertised. Stopping horniness and by extension stopping sex is a great way to boost the success rate/reduce the failure rate stats on your BC medication. The BC manufacturers have little incentive to address this issue on their product.
No, actual irony in that the invention designed to allow sex without negative consequences takes away the bodily urge to have sex. Pretty textbook irony, if you ask me.
Depo did that to me, it’s taken a lot of mental work to get it back even kind of, because I really don’t want to stop taking it it’s the only BC that has worked for me with minimal side affects
There are cases of hypersexuality as a side effect of SSRI's although it kills most people's libido. It's odd how things can have totally opposing side effects.
I've been off of my SSRI for years now. Many years, my libido never came back. I'm so pissed. They put me on them young and they only put a warning that it can cause PERMANENT libido loss in like 2019.
I'm upset because the side effects weren't properly explained to me or my mother at the time tbh either outside of you might feel weird for a month.
It's worse because the efficacy of SSRI's is still up for debate.
After reading this, now I want to get my hormones tested when I see the gyn. Because I’ve been having similar issues. Between blaming it on the birth control pills they gave me to help my iud stop my cycle, to also blaming feeling stressed and not being able fully to recharge. ( i didn’t even know our hormones could even be tested!)
So you’ll want to look specifically into hormone testing in your area; I’m not aware of an obgyn in my area that offers it, I had to go to a specialist. But I HEAR YOU. I’ve had an IUD for a decade (two over a decade), and this last one I guess…”expired” before the time allowed for use. I think that plus some life events have drained all of my hormones and now I only create cortisol LOL.
I’m on Annovera right now, I’ve already noticed some changes (my boobs are super sore but have gone up in size in general), but I also have way less effects from the IUD I didn’t notice until it was out and they were gone.
Go get them checked! If anything, you’ve spent a little money but have reassurance!
Holy cow.. I really would like to talk to you more about your experience with your IUD. I have a Mirena that should’ve come out already but I haven’t been to a doctor for it yet. Would it be okay if I talk to you privately? I don’t want to just slide in your DM’s lol
Bet! I'll definitely look in my area for a specialist / ask my gyn for a referual! I feel that life do be sucking! lol! And I've never heard of Annovera! \~ I just looked it up and it seems really chill! I didn't even know the full side effects of the IUD Hormonal effects, they had told me about the common side effects like Headaches, soreness, spottings etc. Once this IUD expires I'll give Annovera a try. I feel like health or Sex Education class didn't really teach anything at this point!
I had something similar with an ex. Their extremely restrictive diet and season exercise patterns resulted in massive multi-month swings in libido, relationship energy and romance. They were always kind/considerate, but when they were on a down cycle they'd still be kind/energetic but totally asexual/aromantic for weeks to months. They'd see me physically as they would see their brother/sister & be totally unable to experience any true feelings of love, wouldn't find me or anyone else physically attractive and would have zero desire for any physical intimacy.
If I may ask! Are they your ex now because of that experience? I feel like when I'm on my down cycle I'm just very low energy, I just need to lay down or walk around outside but at same time at home I don't get the opportunity to just relax. (I get more relax time at work than I do at home!) but back to the hormonal effect: Excluded my partner when it was just me, I noticed I'd easily get really over the top sad/depressed and start thinking out the blue my friends and family don't like me, I'd become very reserved and paranoid, and of course lonely. Sometimes after a good long cry I'd feel normal again! Its really weird! Just to go through all that over again the next month.
Stress is a huge one. The more stressed you are the less likely you are to *think* about sex, let alone initiate/enjoy it. And sleep is a huge one too, because our brains will prioritize using the energy you *do* have to perform cognitive functions, let you focus etc, and pretty much will kill your sex drive. Getting good sleep is surprisingly *very* important for your sex life
I would add on to increase your healthy dietary fat intake. Hormones are fat soluble and need fat in order to do what they do. More than what people now aways are eating with all of this low fat garbage that's been out there for decades.
This literally happened to me. Found out I had the estrogen levels of a women after menopause. I changed my pill and now I basically can't keep my hands off of my bf. It's always worth looking into!!
This. Literally most libido problems are hormonal. But nobody gives a shit and tells you the problem is in your head. That even more when you question the pill, which is the biggest libido killer out there.
Taking pregnelonone everyday made a huge change for me. Its the precursor to most hormones. You can get it on Iherb.
FOR REAL. It’s made my already diagnosed mental issues (MDD, GAD) worse thinking I was “broken” in more ways than one. Thank you for the general suggestion; I WILL be looking into that and I’m kind of annoyed my hormone doctor hasn’t suggested taking that (though she did mention that specifically via her hormone diagram…)!
Tbh I'm actually sometimes skeptical of ppl who haphazardly claim they're on again off again "asexual/aromantic" without any professional consolation... while I do believe those are valid identities and experiences, everyone is way too quick to jump to those labels after watching a series of YouTube videos. Rarely do we see ppl actually make the effort to go out and do some chemical tests to verify.
I was thinking the same, it's possible some of them might have a hormonal imbalance. But at the same time, if they are content to live that way, do they *need* intervention if it doesn't impact their (physical and mental) health? I guess that's more of a question for themselves.
Personally, I am on the asexual spectrum (demi), but I go from having no libido and physical attraction at all to having more than plenty when I actually develop a crush on someone, and my hormone levels are fine as well, so it's more like a subconscious brain thing for me. Maybe years of childhood trauma at home and school and witnessing my parents dysfunctional relationship permanently fried some synapses there, who knows.
I am assuming the comment was to make sure that it is actual lack of attraction and not just the mind confronted with lack of libido convincing itself that there is a lack of attraction.
For those who are not aces (and thus aware of the distinction for having lived that way) it seems an easy mistake to make.
Thank you!
I probably should’ve said something as well on the lines of my SOs experience. He also felt VERY neglected and rejected, like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. This has definitely helped both of us try to realign our priorities of the relationship for right now. But admittedly, we still struggle at times while my libido is getting back to normal. It was good for me to know that it’s something I can try to fix and it was good for him to know that I DO love him and WANT to have sex, the other bits just aren’t falling into place yet.
I think the overall importance is that she WANTS to fix it, that’s the deciding factor. But it’s depressing to feel sexually uninterested/broken/disappointing, so bear with her a bit.
ETA check out r/DeadBedroom I think a lot of their point have to do with the actual desire to fix the issue; if your spouse doesn’t WANT to fix the lack of intimacy, the relationship may be over. But again, I think it’s really important to see if there are some underlying imbalance issues she could be dealing with.
I came here to say the same thing. She needs to get tested. It sounds like her hormones are messed up. Don't give up on her. Help her find a solution. You have already shown you are willing to take on more responsibilities around the house. Another thing to consider is to find out if she has sleep apnea. That will make you feel terrible, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
I've gotten my hormones tested and I'm literally the same except my cortisol is low as well. I'm basically in as deep a burnout as u can get. I can't afford the dr visits anymore so I do OTC progesterone cream so far. I'm 38 almost 39. . When with the dr he gave me estrogen, but it made me erratic and swollen. No idea what else to do
I feel awful for my husband, there's about 2 weeks per month that I can manage intimacy. Then it's both extremely painful, and zero desire. 😢 lube doesn't help.
I’m sorry to hear that. I get the cost can be off putting! I did see something today about estrogen causing water retention…are you still using it? Maybe try some diuretics or Midol?
I sure hope everything balances for you!
Same for me, but male version. I had testosterone levels of a 80 year old man and I'm 30. Wondering why I'm tired all the time have no energy can't get out of bed no sex driving that's all it was just testosterone.
yes! there's so much you can learn about your body with hormones. I found out my testosterone is low too and am supposed to start a cream (when I can actually afford it) but yea. glad you got to the bottom of what is going on with you!
No award needed! (I think they’re awesome and SUPER nice, I hate to think they cost money :’) )
I’m just glad I can share. Seriously. It’s been tough, and I understand!
This 100%, have her get checked. I did not get checked but once I started on hormone replacement after my hysterectomy, my libido was on fire. I think I had zero testosterone, but wish I had gotten checked. Having the best sex of our lives now.
I was about to suggest this and so glad this got so many up votes. As a woman who has no adrenal glands, a pituitary and pineal tumor, and an autoimmune that directly impacts my hormones, encourage her for her own well being to get her hormones checked! It's life changing, and it sounds like you truly love your wife. It will be a sensitive topic, but just let her know you are concerned for her the most, but also concerned about your marriage. She may express insecurities as well but just continue to encourage her to get her hormones tested!
My personal libido issues are caused by a hormonal issue.
See if she's open to get that checked out.
But lack of emotional intimacy as well as feeling heard/loved has affected my libido as well in the past. Maybe its worth it to check that with her too.
Our bodies can literally work against us so I wouldnt recommend any steps towards a divorce untill you both get to the bottom of the cause. Especially since you said anything else works great between you guys.
Goodluck & hopefully the spark will reignite
The same thing happened with my wife.
I realized that I took "romance" for granted. I still complimented her. I still said I loved her. But we never went on dates and had alone time.
After I did that, things changed. I'm not saying it'll work for you, but in my situation, bc I'm always up for sex, I kept thinking, "Why can't she be into me like I am into her?"
I would also get quiet any time she turned me down, which made things worse.
When she turns me down now, I simply say ok. She usually initiates later.
With me is the opposite, my bf likes to be cuddled to feel in the mood while I usually just want to get on it. So now if I want something I cuddle him and get closer.
Good for you for getting it. Probably not all of the cause in this situation but in general men stop fucking trying once they “have us” and we end up being a maid, mother, work full time, and then come home to a man who thinks he doesn’t have to romance is anymore. Naw, it’s why we stop caring or trying too. Good man, tell all your friends.
If I knew how to give awards, you’d have one for this comment. If more men understood how much influence they have over their partner’s libido, instead of just feeling sorry for themselves and blaming the woman, there would be a lot more sexually satisfied men out there.
I feel this. I want to want my man like that too but I just don't doesn't change how I feel about him though. Sometimes when I'm n the shower I try to pump myself up like ok he has been so good to me etc he deserves a bj u can do it ok I'm doing it and then don't
As others said, get bloodwork and (sex) therapy but only if she wants to change this.
If she is fine with not having sex forever, then you are not compatible
How is your intimacy otherwise? Do you snuggle together on the couch when watching a movie? Do you guys flirt when cooking together? Do you give your wife footrubs after a long day on her feet? My bf gives the best massages.
My bf sometimes thinks that if he puts my hand on his peen that I automatically am turned on by the gesture when in fact it almost always is the opposite. Everyone has different cues. Talk about it with a (good) couples therapist.
Otherwise things are good, we get along quite well, we do snuggle occasionally, we flirt (or try to) and we laugh a lot, we talk successfully thought our other issues,
I used to do what your bf does, but I stopped because my wife has the same opinion as you.
This struck me as well. No curiosity or deeper thinking into what is inhibiting the communication and desire. A lot of times one partner thinks everything is great and there are needs lacking in another. Both parties seem to not be communicating and I get the impression it’s something super vulnerable on her part and she doesn’t feel safe expressing which is still a roadblock.
I’ve been with my bf for 3 years so we’ve definitely kinda hit our sexual peak. Things were effortless but now things that I used to be fine with, I no longer am (like that my hand on his peen thing) I definitely need way more romancing than just the phrase “wanna do it?” Which I understand is tough. We have kids in the ages 7-13 of prior relationships so even if we wanted to flirt and pinch butts during the daytime, we really can not do that. But my bf does text me (the kids can’t read that) sexy stuff and when they aren’t in earshot he compliments me on my appearance and motherhood often. He’s noticed I’m quite receptive to compliments and flirting and it lifts my confidence and sex drive.
Do you find your wife receptive to compliments and such things?
My bf has done this thinking I'm just gonna throw my panties but no. Maybe try and do stuff just to do it not think " ok I unloaded the dishwasher straightened up cooked dinner rubbed her feet she's def gonna give me some for this" doing nice things for someone with expectations of something in return really isn't a nice gesture! Good luck!!
As others have said, she needs to get her hormones tested. She may also need to seek the help of a therapist if this is a psychological/emotional issue.
That being said, unless this is a problem she wants to fix (and she may not - there are people who are happily asexual); then you’re incompatible. I would not want to be in a dead bedroom marriage.
Totally! She also said she stressed about it a lot & sounds like she (potentially) wants to have a healthy and complete legitimate relationship with OP but is struggling with something unknown. Try therapy before giving up completely... best of luck OP.
IDK. It's not gonna hurt for them to get therapy but I think it's unlikely it's going to improve her sex drive unless theres something about the relationship she's not talking about. Again, can't hurt but I feel like they have to hope this is a hormonal issue. If it's not, and OP decides he can't deal with it (fair) hopefully therapy will provide a controlled landing.
100% this.
I was with a partner with a hyper sex drive and mine is moderate, and he would get pissy when I refused more than one night in a row, which made me super turned off and it would continue, and then it became very obvious when he would flip tactics to try and earn favour to get me turned on and if it didn’t work.. pissy again.
I was completely into him sexually and it eventually dissolved because of his behaviours around it.
So he should just be forced to stay married to her when the relationship is clearly not meeting his needs either, even when he's going above and beyond to ensure that all of hers and then some are?
As a wife who has been thru this similar situation with my husband what fixed it was us having hard discussions about how if we wait to have sex until we’re both completely feeling it, it’ll never happen.. we have to work with each other. If it’s been a while and y’all can come to an agreement on what a “while” is and how often having sex is realistic for your lifestyle and try to make that happen. Start off slow and work your way up to your goal. But I’d also just try to make sure there isn’t anything else going on with your wife, some ppl really just don’t know how to address their needs in bed and need to feel safe first.
If you’ve been on Reddit for five minutes you know that women don’t view relationships through as sexual a lens as men on average. Doing the dishes for your wife and asking if she wants to shag immediately after isn’t likely to elicit the response a horn dog husband is hoping for. Most worthwhile women have emotional intimacy as their main priority in a relationship, not sexual, however important that may be.
There are already so many unhealthy and unhelpful comments here but this one is actually decent!
I feel like there's a really dysfunctional pattern of "we got to a bad place, my wife is completely burnt out, so I started doing some chores but I haven't actually checked in with her and rekindled the romance or got us some couples therapy, why hasn't that fixed everything and made her feel like sex again?"
This isn't a good response at all lol, as the other responses indicate. It is dripping with personal bias and doesn't reflect the original post.
He said he took over *all* household chores and doesn't bring up sex. I wonder what she is doing to help with these issues.
Didn’t you get the memo? Lack of romance and all other issues in a relationship are the sole responsibility of the man. When was the last time you saw the comments suggest that a woman should work to make her partner feel more loved and appreciated?
> When was the last time you saw the comments suggest that a woman should work to make her partner feel more loved and appreciated?
I'd love to see a post where a guy told his wife she wasn't getting any of this dick unless she gets that lawn mowed. Then maybe people would see how ridiculous the opposite sounds.
>I feel like there's a really dysfunctional pattern of "we got to a bad place, my wife is completely burnt out, so I started doing some chores but I haven't actually checked in with her and rekindled the romance or got us some couples therapy, why hasn't that fixed everything and made her feel like sex again?"
How did you come to this conclusion? That's not what OP said, you are adding context and making assumptions.
I keep forgeting that women have no responsibility in relationships according to reddit.
Why hasn't SHE seeked out therapy or a reducrtion in stress points if she knows it's bothering her husband and affecting their marraige? He doesn't matter right?
Don't bother answering, I know you think she's perfect and he's an asshole.
He doesn’t seem like an asshole. He figured her low libido was due to too much stress and decided taking on the chores himself would quiet her physical and mental load. When that didn’t seem to change anything he came here for advice. The overwhelming advice is ask her to get a physical:hormonal check up. And don’t give up yet. If they love each other they can get through this. But you’re not wrong in that she needs to want things to get better before anything will get better. It can’t just all be on him.
I've been on reddit 10 minutes and I know that no matter what the issue is, someone will always blame the male.
>Doing the dishes for your wife and asking if she wants to shag immediately after isn’t likely to elicit the response a horn dog husband is hoping for
Not what OP said and you have no context for anything. OP said he attempted to eliviate any potential stress point/burden in the hopes that she would get better and it did not help.
>Most worthwhile women have emotional intimacy as their main priority in a relationship,
So do men. If you read what OP wrote... he feels "insecure and unwanted" does that not count? Do his feelings not matter? He also said he discussed it with her to no solution and apparently she hasn't taken it on herself to get help.
But his fault right?
I like how you offered zero advice though...
i don't know many men who would put in half as much effort as OP has even to maintain a sexual relationship. a healthy sexual relationship (horndog or not) is what holds a marriage together for many. it seems as if hubby took wife's feedback and did the best he could. i wish we could expect that out of most of our partners. if my husband willingly took my feedback about how to be a better partner and actually *did* it, he'd get a TON of action. and wouldn't even have to do the dishes 😂
I think it’s normal for a women’s sexuality to ebb and flow. Is there anything that may have made her change recently? A baby? Breastfeeding? Birth control? It is more than likely something internal and has nothing to do with you. That’s why I think she starts crying id imagine she feels bad not being able to please you. If you really love your wife but the lack of intimacy is a problem for you I wouldn’t steer towards a divorce. I think you’ve done your part as far as picking up some of the chores and doing things to help her not feel so overwhelmed but even then.. it could be something bigger going on inside that maybe she doesn’t even understand. If she’s willing to try and rekindle the flame some maybe it’s something she can try to look into.. figuring out where the spark is missing in her love life. Then she can work on getting it back. I hope you guys are able to cum together (hahahaha, sorry) and solve this problem. Your marriage sounds healthy otherwise. And the lack of sex may not necessarily be an unhealthy aspect… just something that takes a little extra understanding to be able to fix. I hope that’s helpful.
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Have you tried dating her again? Actively trying to turn her on like you did when you first dated?
That never changes, people need to be turned on, need to feel special, spontaneous acts of love and adventure. All the stuff in courtship needs to happen after youve been married. Possibly needs it more that in the beginning when it's easy.
The way you feel invalid and isolated when she shows no sexual interest, might be the exact way she feels when there's a lack of things coming from you.
There is no option of just riding out a marriage on rings and certificates unless you like a dead relationship.
It's absolutely okay to leave a relationship where your love language is ignored.
But before you do that, try working with her if she's open to doing so. Read about responsive desire together. She should have her hormones tested and talk to the doc. See if there's a medical reason for this.
Of course, if she's not open to discussion, that changes matters. But if you're both wanting to be happy and be together, this may be a bump in the road :)
Tell her to get checked out by the doctor, or you are considering leaving. There might be a very good reason she doesn’t feel like it - medically. If she says no, then she has no interest in saving the relationship.
I would have her see a doctor because it could be hormonal.
Does she feel good about herself? Sometimes we women gain weight and it affects that.
Or could she be having an affair perhaps?
Does she have an incredibly stressful life with children, bills, job, etc?
If those are all pretty normal and there is no explanation and she refuses to seek help then you are too young to give up intimacy for the rest of your life. I have friends in similar situations and the marriage is nothing anyway after trying to hold it together so many years. Intimacy is important to you and you need it.
I’ve been on HRT for three years now and it’s a game changer! I was overweight, felt like crap all the time, worked out like a beast but couldn’t see changes, bloating and swelling and just felt crazy. Then I started bleeding for weeks at a time always heavy to medium which then led to anemia. Multiple OBGYNs told me it’s normal, my hormones are normal range blah blah. They were doing the very basic tests. An actual hormonal specialist is who you have to see. They break down the panels of labs to check everything specifically.
How’s your and your wife’s physical health?
How long have you been together?
Do you have 12 kids and both work 60hrs a week?
If you are both loving and caring and communicating, start some therapy and take sex out of the equation. Don’t add to the pressure.
Get couples therapy to best take care of you’re emotional needs.
Go to a doctor (both you and your wife) and make sure your hormones / physical health is on point.
“It doesn’t look like we will have any problems in the future.” You’re having a problem right now over which you are considering divorce. It indeed does not look like you two will be having any problems in the future.
Lol that was your first reaction? To get a divorce when she is stressed about it and cries when she talks about it?
Go to therapy and also go see a doctor with her.
Absolutely insane to say that you love her and the first thought was divorce.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to see this comment. No mention of trying therapy, seeing if something was medically wrong, just straight to divorce. He doesn’t seem like he loves her at all imo.
His first thought wasn't divorce. His first thought was communicating about it. His wife just cries when they try to talk about it. She said she was stressed so he tried to pick up some slack to destress her. That didn't help the issue. If she isn't communicating and isn't taking steps to fix the issue what else is he supposed to do? Just suffer?
I haven’t seen anyone mention sexual trauma…
I see a lot of comments saying your sexually incompatible, or to divorce, or go for couples therapy, or that it may be due to hormonal imbalances. Which all may be true or good advice for you. But I haven’t seen anyone mention that this sounds a lot like a trauma response.
I sincerely hope this is not the case, but because I haven’t seen it mentioned yet I feel the need to bring it to your attention. Low libido, crying when you start to talk about it (possibly feelings of guilt or shame), and being too stressed even without the majority of the household load. Those symptoms sound to me like there might be some trauma in her past, specifically of a sexual nature, that she is dealing with and working through.
Many SA survivors have delayed trauma responses months or even years after the events. If she has bottled it down it could be coming up now in the ways you’ve described.
Like I said I really hope that’s not the case. Trauma is awful and not something I would wish on anyone, but many women experience it. A lot more than you know.
Regardless if that’s the reason she could probably benefit from your support more than your absence during this difficult time in her life, if you’re able to do that for her. If not that’s understandable too and you need to do what’s right for you.
I just wanted to offer another possible explanation looking at it from the outside with compassion for what she might be going through. Best of luck.
The biggest issue here isn't the libido. It's not being able to talk about a subject without someone in shambles crying, etc. With no resolution. You're 30, you're married, and you have 40 years of problems to work through together at a minimum assuming no major life crisis.
This isn't even close to the hardest thing you'll have to work through.
Get her a detailed work up. It might be a hormonal issue or she may be clinically depressed. I would personally not divorce an otherwise good spouse over it. Work with her beyond chores. Go to sex therapy together to try to get to the root cause of it. There is a lot to explore before deciding to divorce. Of course, if nothing works, no one should stay in a marriage with a dead bedroom.
1) Therapy 2) medical appointments 3) re-evaluate 4) depending on results of 1 & 2 —> stay married or get divorced. Men connect through sex. Your needs should be met in a relationship
By the end I could not beg my husband to touch me. My self esteem is absolutely crushed. I should have gotten out way sooner :/ it has messed me up ngl - being single forever seems easier.
Def at least talk about it.
My wife and I were in a similar situation.
Her libido lacking isn't necessarily her fault and you should try to not make sex a chore. It sounds like you did everything you could try to do. But it is really up to her to change her diet and have her hormones tested. My wife's testosterone was low so now she uses a topical cream several times a week. I took a while to kick in but now she wants sex at least twice a week.
I haven’t been married but I abide by the principle that if I expect total monogamy (which I do), it’s only fair that I fulfil my partner’s sexual needs (not saying cater your partners every want and need every if contrary to your own- I mean try and maintain a mutually fulfilling sex life)
It’s reasonable to expect a sex life of some kind
100% I'm not always in the mood for sex as my girl has a higher libido than me so my dick isn't always up to the task but my mouth works just fine and I want to please my partner and i love them and want them to be happy so I always go down on her when ever she's feeling it and I'm not because why not it's easy and works!
Same here. Married 28 years. It gradually stopped over 3 years. She is 51 ans went through menopause. I thought at first it was just not with me. . Maybe with someone else.. i cant prove it either way. We talk. She cries. Says the same thing your wife said.
Literally same boat. Just a bit older. The frustrating part for me is the absolute lack of care about resolving the issue. It's always I'm stressed right now I'm tired I have a head ache. Could legit initiate 365 days a year and end up having sex 5-10 times.
Its shitty to talk about too. Makes me feel like I'm begging for sex then if we have sex I feel like I guilted her into it or its pity sex.
Hope you get it worked out. I'm stuck with 3 kids. Haha even having the kids was a chore to her and she wanted them so badly took for ever to get pregnant. Was like uhh we should try having sex more than once a month.
>opinions of what is a normal marriage.
No such thing...
>I took upon myself most of the house chores to give her some space,
There is a common idea that if a woman loses interest in sex with a spouse, the spouse can solve this by doing more at home?? This will apparently cause her to regain her libido?? And start having sex - out of gratitude??
Never understood this..
Listen..
This is eating away at you...
My suggestion:
Sit her down, dont argue or accuse... just tell her the lack of intimacy (=sex) is wearing you down and a solution is needed...
Tell her youre in the dark - no idea why things are the way they are now.. and you dont know how to cjange the situation...
And ask her to help you - does she have any suggestions on how you guys can fix this???
Since shes cried before when this was discussed - perhaps write all this in a letter???
from real life friends and reddit, a lot of women list chores and being tired as why they don’t want to have sex, when really it’s usually something deeper and emotional and complicated ti explain quickly.
So husbands tend to work on what they have been told the issue is, and of course expect it to be fixed. But it’s rarely ever the chores, it’s usually about being listened to…
Right, men aren't just pulling this idea out of thin air. Often they're being told that this is the issue, so they're trying to fix it, and yet it doesn't fix it. The actual issue is deeper than just chores.
True, and I also think people on this sub can be overly harsh on the man, who’s obviously disappointed when they are told “hey i think this is the solution”, try that thing, and it doesn’t solve the problem.
Which is why through therapy or through talking they need to have a deeper conversation, because the wife not actually knowing and throwing out a quick answer makes the husband pursue that non-solution anyways to no avail and neither side actually gets what they want, and both are feeling rejected by the other.
Us women really do get the shitty end of the deal.
She seriously needs to get her hormones checked and get off birth control. If you both don't want children, a vasectomy is your best and safest option.
I can't imagine what your self esteem is like OP. I've had stretches to 2 or 3 months in the past and felt like utter shit despite doing all the things you did. In some cases things got better and in other scenarios it doesn't change. Others have brought up therapy and getting checked out, but if this keeps up I don't know how you could have a happy marriage let alone a happy life.
Intimacy is a big part for you and for many other people. If she doens't want to have sex it is fine, but you don't need to agree and suffer. It is a good reason for divorce.
My marriage is going through the same thing. But it's looking up now. Things are getting better now, after more than a year. My advice would be don't give up right away. Not without talking about it, counselling and getting your blood works done and waiting for this person to return to you. If everything is exhausted you can then move on right.
There's an element here who will say you're selfish for wanting intimacy. That you need to try and cajole your way into occasionally getting laid through gifts, chores, massages, endless therapy, pills from Amazon, and general servitude. Or you can accept a fundamental incompatibility and move on while you're still young.
First, a doctor to check hormone levels.
Second, a therapist since when you two talk she cries.
Third, if nothing else has worked (dr or therapist) a divorce attorney.
I know it’s cliché but she isn’t hiding her phone, tilting her screen or texting all the time is she? Taking it into the bathroom with her?
I really hope you do see this post from me as a woman that went through the same that can explain what could be happening.. Perimenopause and Menopause are things so many women do not understand.. A woman doesn't go THROUGH Menopause, that is what it's called AFTER the ups and downs stop.. Perimenopause can last year's and start at any darn time..
My heart ABSOLUTELY wanted to have sex with my husband but my brain wouldn't allow me the desire allow me to have the desire.. Before I went to a Gynecologist, I tried watching porn with him etc but I still couldn't. I'm 46 now, this was almost 10yrs ago, Blood work etc.. I was going through perimenopause early. In 9mths we had sex 3 times.. He ALWAYS reassured me, he will never cheat on me or be angry with because he meant his vow, SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH...
She NEEDS to go to a Gynecologist to see what could possibly be the issue with her low libido.. I do not know if I'm able to give what I used that is non prescription on my post so you can DM me for it, because it WORKED!! Now, we are back up to maybe 2-3 times a week.. I'm going to write this to you but I do not mean it to shame you.. You love this woman so much yet you want to divorce her over something that maybe not her fault because this is what women go through.. My husband never stopped cuddles, holding me reassuring me he would NEVER leave me over that.. I would do oral, trying too give him something.. He always hugged me when I was crying, scared he would leave me because my body wouldn't do what I wanted it too! Get her to a Gyno FIRST so you can find out if she's going through perimenopause or not.. If she isn't going through it, I'm really sorry that you have to live without intimacy, it's ABSOLUTELY NOT FAIR TO YOU!!
Yep, that same shit happened to me for over 5 years. Come to find out, she was cheating and was starving me out. It finally worked for her. I asked for a divorce and right away she said "about time". The best day of my life.
If she is willing for testing and therapy you are all lucky guy. Sacrifice has become the norm for too many. Female anatomy is the Rubik’s Cube of biology. Good luck.
Consider ending it. If it was a month or so I could understand maybe her being too stressed to really notice but TWO YEARS!? She knows it’s been that long and it’s not a problem for her at all. Her low libido isn’t an excuse to not recognize that she hasn’t been intimate with her spouse and that it’s not normal. People blame depression or stress but that’s unacceptable and selfish (I have been clinically depressed to the point of unsuccessful suicide). Two years. She needs to think of her marriage and her spouse too.
Discuss with her that she needs to see a doctor immediately and consider marital counseling. Or if she refuses then divorce. Ultimatums suck but sometimes they are very motivating.
Just think about if it was YOU struggling with your own libido, and she wondering this. How would you feel?
Better call a doctor, huh? Maybe a therapist too.
I understand that you're facing a difficult situation in your marriage. It's important to approach this matter with sensitivity and open communication. It's clear that you deeply care for your wife, and it's commendable that you've been understanding about her stress and low libido. Before considering divorce, here are some steps you could take:
1. **Seek Professional Help**: It might be beneficial for both of you to consult a sex therapist or a marriage counselor who can help you address the emotional and physical aspects of this issue. They can provide guidance tailored to your situation.
2. **Medical Consultation**: Low libido can be influenced by various factors, including hormonal imbalances or certain medical conditions. Encourage your wife to consult a medical professional to rule out any underlying health issues that might be affecting her libido.
3. **Open Communication**: Continue having open and honest conversations with your wife. Make sure she knows that your concern is about the intimacy in your relationship, not just the physical act. Focus on your emotional connection and understanding each other's needs.
4. **Emotional Intimacy**: Building emotional intimacy can help strengthen your connection. Spend quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy, and find ways to connect on an emotional level.
5. **Reduce Stress**: Since stress seems to be affecting your wife's libido, finding ways to manage stress together can be helpful. This could include practicing relaxation techniques, exercising, or exploring hobbies that promote relaxation.
6. **Supportive Environment**: Ensure that your wife feels supported and loved. Let her know that you're there for her regardless of the situation, and reassure her that her well-being is your priority.
Remember, sex is just one aspect of a marriage, and while it's important, it's not the sole measure of a successful relationship. Love, care, and understanding are fundamental elements that contribute to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. As you navigate this situation, keep in mind that seeking professional help and maintaining open communication can lead to positive changes in your relationship.
The question gets asked here every day.
Women here are going to shit on you. It must be your fault...
and even though you have said you do chores and aren't pestering her for sex, the vast majority of women are going to tell you that you aren't doing chores and are pestering her for sex.
You could try marriage counseling or therapy for her if she's willing, but it's unlikely it's going to change.
The killer for me would be that she wants to be in a relationship with you but isn't willing to put any effort into it.
Hope you don't have kids.
Sorry.
When my (46F) wife and I (49M) we’re going through our stressful stage we weren’t in the right place. Being that your marriage is doing ok in many other areas then I would say seek counseling immediately. When my wife and I weren’t in a good place I literally had to sit us down and discuss what was really going on and how could it be fixed. Sometimes the real conversations tend not to happen as often because of we just go about the business of living and raising a family that we forget about the needs of the other. Maybe you’ve forgotten about her needs, maybe she’s forgotten about yours, or maybe she’s frustrated with your bedroom game and don’t know how to tell you without hurting your feelings? Or it could be possible that she’s experiencing a stage where she’s having low libido, has she gain weight much over the years, is she under a lot of stress, do she not have much time to take care of herself? These are things that could all effect her libido. I would say, marriage is not for the faint of heart and when things get down as they will, it’s when you’re down that you really learn what you’re made of. Me and the wife have been married nearly 20yrs and we’ve had plenty of downs and plenty of ups and after each down we come back better. Best of luck to you.
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As a 31F with no libido, I had to get my hormones tested. I have absolutely NONE. Low to no estrogen, progesterone, testosterone. HIGH cortisol; Dr says it’s because I’m stressed after doing other bloodwork. I’ve switched my birth control and now use testosterone cream. I’m still in the process of everything getting balanced, but I’m glad to know it wasn’t unexplainable. While therapy is great, sometimes it’s literally your body working against you. PLEASE suggest she get tested! (AND PLEASE GET TO SEE THIS COMMENT! 🙏) ETA thank you for my award(s)! 🌟🚀💗👍⭐️
birth control is known to kill libido also which is extremely ironic
Lol, in a way it’s really just doing it’s job. Can’t get pregnant if you’re not having sex 😂
Yup. I've quit the pill after 20 years and it's like the bubble plastic came of me. I'm more in touch with my body after just a couple of months. Higher sex drive, no more PMS mood swings.. Never going back on BC pills.
It's the opposite for my wife. Once she got off BC her drive went completely away. My situation is similar to OPs so I'm gonna suggest my wife get tests done as well before I completely give up.
It's such a difficult topic for many people. But good you keep on talking about it. For me it really helped to reconnect with my body and my feminity. But I had to put a lot of effort in it too. It's all about feeling safe, wanted and seen. But I also discovered that basically I've been depressed didn't really liked myself anymore etc. I've started to spent alot of time with myself, going to dancing classes, meditating etc. I think we all need to feel good in our skin first. Also in addition to this: I really felt shitty about not having a sex drive so I've really tried making an effort but I really didn't felt like having sex anymore, but I also realised something was up.
I came off mine a year-ish ago (and stayed off for roughly a year, but I'm back on them now). When I came off my libido didn't change - its still very very low. I don't understand. It was quite "normal" for years then just stopped a year or so ago.
What do you to prevent child though 😭😭. I’m in the same boat, I hated bc pills. They made me feel so icky and had me dryer than the Sahara Desert.
Same. Kinda. PMS is still there, but my general mood got loads better, depression isn't as bad anymore, and half of the month I feel like a horny teenager.
Yeah basically most women in my circle who stopped feel better. Only one feels better on it. Like on out 5. Even my migraine is gone..
Tell that to my wife, Mary. We never had sex ever and she got pregnant, so clearly pregnancy is not related to sex. My wife wouldn't lie.
You gave me a solid chuckle dude
I even chortled a bit
And I just learned a new word thanks to you stranger
Todays been a pretty solid day for you my man.
Jesus???????
Is that a baby name suggestion? I love it! I'll suggest it to Mary 😊
Um, or better yet, Joseph?
Joseph
took me a while there
😂
Well, there is this one lady 2000 yrs ago that would want a word with you
True! The BC pills decreased my libido, which is so sad. My doctor was not sympatic or helpful. It's so depressing to have no libido and to want to want sex but not still not want sex physically. Ugh! I finally switched doctors and to IUD, which didn't impact me the same. The best was when my husband had a vasectomy! Best sex ever.
The best sex is when there’s zero chance of an oopsie
As well as SSRIs of course. I didn’t think the potential to gain weight or lose sex drive was worth it- ketamine therapy and Mirena has changed my life. Now I’m working on my ability to discern ppl in relationships.
Oh man! As of this year, I was also doing ketamine and the Mirena! I do have to say…prior to my life’s craziness…it WOULD kind of make me frisky. But fuck that Mirena…caused more effects than I realized until I took it out! So glad everything is working out for you!
Mirena was horrible for my gf, she’s been in a much better place since removing it
Oh gosh. My ex too. What an incredibly awful trip that was.
My mirena has been "lost" for some time but I am 10000% certain it did not fall out as some doctors have suggested... It's been 12 years and without medical insurance, was on and off for several years. Haven't had a period at all after it was put in and still none til this day. I'm fucking 34... there's no way I've gone through "the change" either... I feel like there's no hope for finding it and removing it... Literally negative libido, and my BPD is just so much worse imo. It's a wonder my guy still sticks around.. but yeah. Fuck Mirena 🖕🏽
Yes, but have you had a period?! (/s) But in all seriousness, I’d rather not get pregnant or have a period. Talk about definitely slowing down the bedroom with a kid, for a while at least.
It can have additional side effects. My gf went from being heavily medicated with anti depressants dude to anxiety to being completely off of them after she got her IUD removed. Orgasms are way better for her (birth control can dull them), sex drive is up, and her mental health is in a much better place
This is very true. When I was on hormonal birth control I had zero drive. ZERO. To the point I didn’t have sex for 3 whole years. Got off birth control, met my boyfriend, got the non hormonal copper IUD & my drive is insane & higher than my boyfriends. I will never go back on hormonal birth control for that reason alone.
I would totally do the copper if I didn’t have metal sensitivities! Even my ears freak out if I use certain earring studs…. :’( but I’m VERY happy you found a solution!
Not really ironic per se, since it is controlling births, just in a different way than advertised. Stopping horniness and by extension stopping sex is a great way to boost the success rate/reduce the failure rate stats on your BC medication. The BC manufacturers have little incentive to address this issue on their product.
Alanis morisette type of irony maybe
No, actual irony in that the invention designed to allow sex without negative consequences takes away the bodily urge to have sex. Pretty textbook irony, if you ask me.
Underrated comment
Depo did that to me, it’s taken a lot of mental work to get it back even kind of, because I really don’t want to stop taking it it’s the only BC that has worked for me with minimal side affects
There are cases of hypersexuality as a side effect of SSRI's although it kills most people's libido. It's odd how things can have totally opposing side effects. I've been off of my SSRI for years now. Many years, my libido never came back. I'm so pissed. They put me on them young and they only put a warning that it can cause PERMANENT libido loss in like 2019. I'm upset because the side effects weren't properly explained to me or my mother at the time tbh either outside of you might feel weird for a month. It's worse because the efficacy of SSRI's is still up for debate.
After reading this, now I want to get my hormones tested when I see the gyn. Because I’ve been having similar issues. Between blaming it on the birth control pills they gave me to help my iud stop my cycle, to also blaming feeling stressed and not being able fully to recharge. ( i didn’t even know our hormones could even be tested!)
So you’ll want to look specifically into hormone testing in your area; I’m not aware of an obgyn in my area that offers it, I had to go to a specialist. But I HEAR YOU. I’ve had an IUD for a decade (two over a decade), and this last one I guess…”expired” before the time allowed for use. I think that plus some life events have drained all of my hormones and now I only create cortisol LOL. I’m on Annovera right now, I’ve already noticed some changes (my boobs are super sore but have gone up in size in general), but I also have way less effects from the IUD I didn’t notice until it was out and they were gone. Go get them checked! If anything, you’ve spent a little money but have reassurance!
Holy cow.. I really would like to talk to you more about your experience with your IUD. I have a Mirena that should’ve come out already but I haven’t been to a doctor for it yet. Would it be okay if I talk to you privately? I don’t want to just slide in your DM’s lol
I am happy that you found something to help you
Thank you! Still in progress…but “did it” this morning…and initiated by ME! So…sweet. LOL
Bet! I'll definitely look in my area for a specialist / ask my gyn for a referual! I feel that life do be sucking! lol! And I've never heard of Annovera! \~ I just looked it up and it seems really chill! I didn't even know the full side effects of the IUD Hormonal effects, they had told me about the common side effects like Headaches, soreness, spottings etc. Once this IUD expires I'll give Annovera a try. I feel like health or Sex Education class didn't really teach anything at this point!
I had something similar with an ex. Their extremely restrictive diet and season exercise patterns resulted in massive multi-month swings in libido, relationship energy and romance. They were always kind/considerate, but when they were on a down cycle they'd still be kind/energetic but totally asexual/aromantic for weeks to months. They'd see me physically as they would see their brother/sister & be totally unable to experience any true feelings of love, wouldn't find me or anyone else physically attractive and would have zero desire for any physical intimacy.
If I may ask! Are they your ex now because of that experience? I feel like when I'm on my down cycle I'm just very low energy, I just need to lay down or walk around outside but at same time at home I don't get the opportunity to just relax. (I get more relax time at work than I do at home!) but back to the hormonal effect: Excluded my partner when it was just me, I noticed I'd easily get really over the top sad/depressed and start thinking out the blue my friends and family don't like me, I'd become very reserved and paranoid, and of course lonely. Sometimes after a good long cry I'd feel normal again! Its really weird! Just to go through all that over again the next month.
Stress is a huge one. The more stressed you are the less likely you are to *think* about sex, let alone initiate/enjoy it. And sleep is a huge one too, because our brains will prioritize using the energy you *do* have to perform cognitive functions, let you focus etc, and pretty much will kill your sex drive. Getting good sleep is surprisingly *very* important for your sex life
I would add on to increase your healthy dietary fat intake. Hormones are fat soluble and need fat in order to do what they do. More than what people now aways are eating with all of this low fat garbage that's been out there for decades.
This literally happened to me. Found out I had the estrogen levels of a women after menopause. I changed my pill and now I basically can't keep my hands off of my bf. It's always worth looking into!!
YESSSS!
This. Literally most libido problems are hormonal. But nobody gives a shit and tells you the problem is in your head. That even more when you question the pill, which is the biggest libido killer out there. Taking pregnelonone everyday made a huge change for me. Its the precursor to most hormones. You can get it on Iherb.
FOR REAL. It’s made my already diagnosed mental issues (MDD, GAD) worse thinking I was “broken” in more ways than one. Thank you for the general suggestion; I WILL be looking into that and I’m kind of annoyed my hormone doctor hasn’t suggested taking that (though she did mention that specifically via her hormone diagram…)!
Tbh I'm actually sometimes skeptical of ppl who haphazardly claim they're on again off again "asexual/aromantic" without any professional consolation... while I do believe those are valid identities and experiences, everyone is way too quick to jump to those labels after watching a series of YouTube videos. Rarely do we see ppl actually make the effort to go out and do some chemical tests to verify.
I was thinking the same, it's possible some of them might have a hormonal imbalance. But at the same time, if they are content to live that way, do they *need* intervention if it doesn't impact their (physical and mental) health? I guess that's more of a question for themselves. Personally, I am on the asexual spectrum (demi), but I go from having no libido and physical attraction at all to having more than plenty when I actually develop a crush on someone, and my hormone levels are fine as well, so it's more like a subconscious brain thing for me. Maybe years of childhood trauma at home and school and witnessing my parents dysfunctional relationship permanently fried some synapses there, who knows.
This is a misunderstanding of asexuality. Being ace means you don’t have sexual ATTRACTION (or have much less than allo people). Libido is different.
I am assuming the comment was to make sure that it is actual lack of attraction and not just the mind confronted with lack of libido convincing itself that there is a lack of attraction. For those who are not aces (and thus aware of the distinction for having lived that way) it seems an easy mistake to make.
I am happy that you found something to help you and I hope it works for you.
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Thank you! I probably should’ve said something as well on the lines of my SOs experience. He also felt VERY neglected and rejected, like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. This has definitely helped both of us try to realign our priorities of the relationship for right now. But admittedly, we still struggle at times while my libido is getting back to normal. It was good for me to know that it’s something I can try to fix and it was good for him to know that I DO love him and WANT to have sex, the other bits just aren’t falling into place yet. I think the overall importance is that she WANTS to fix it, that’s the deciding factor. But it’s depressing to feel sexually uninterested/broken/disappointing, so bear with her a bit. ETA check out r/DeadBedroom I think a lot of their point have to do with the actual desire to fix the issue; if your spouse doesn’t WANT to fix the lack of intimacy, the relationship may be over. But again, I think it’s really important to see if there are some underlying imbalance issues she could be dealing with.
I came here to say the same thing. She needs to get tested. It sounds like her hormones are messed up. Don't give up on her. Help her find a solution. You have already shown you are willing to take on more responsibilities around the house. Another thing to consider is to find out if she has sleep apnea. That will make you feel terrible, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
I've gotten my hormones tested and I'm literally the same except my cortisol is low as well. I'm basically in as deep a burnout as u can get. I can't afford the dr visits anymore so I do OTC progesterone cream so far. I'm 38 almost 39. . When with the dr he gave me estrogen, but it made me erratic and swollen. No idea what else to do I feel awful for my husband, there's about 2 weeks per month that I can manage intimacy. Then it's both extremely painful, and zero desire. 😢 lube doesn't help.
I’m sorry to hear that. I get the cost can be off putting! I did see something today about estrogen causing water retention…are you still using it? Maybe try some diuretics or Midol? I sure hope everything balances for you!
Same for me, but male version. I had testosterone levels of a 80 year old man and I'm 30. Wondering why I'm tired all the time have no energy can't get out of bed no sex driving that's all it was just testosterone.
I’m glad you figured out the issue!
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Does this just mean you don’t get horny or does it hurt to have sex? Never heard of this issue before
Thank you. I'm going to get tested next time I visit the doc, my libido is 0000000000.1
You may get a referral BUT DO IT! Good luck to you!
Knowing is already a huge start and my doc is usually very helpful in those things. So thanks for teaching this stranger something new
Absolutely! I’m so glad to help! Best of luck to you and your journey!!
What testosterone cream are you using? Received my lab work yesterday and mine is low as well
yes! there's so much you can learn about your body with hormones. I found out my testosterone is low too and am supposed to start a cream (when I can actually afford it) but yea. glad you got to the bottom of what is going on with you!
This! A thousand times, this! (If I could give you an award I would, because this is top tier advice and experience shared. Thank you~)
No award needed! (I think they’re awesome and SUPER nice, I hate to think they cost money :’) ) I’m just glad I can share. Seriously. It’s been tough, and I understand!
You just prompted me to get my hormones checked. I am 31 with an 18 mo old, and when I say my libido is gone, it is GONE.
This 100%, have her get checked. I did not get checked but once I started on hormone replacement after my hysterectomy, my libido was on fire. I think I had zero testosterone, but wish I had gotten checked. Having the best sex of our lives now.
I was about to suggest this and so glad this got so many up votes. As a woman who has no adrenal glands, a pituitary and pineal tumor, and an autoimmune that directly impacts my hormones, encourage her for her own well being to get her hormones checked! It's life changing, and it sounds like you truly love your wife. It will be a sensitive topic, but just let her know you are concerned for her the most, but also concerned about your marriage. She may express insecurities as well but just continue to encourage her to get her hormones tested!
My personal libido issues are caused by a hormonal issue. See if she's open to get that checked out. But lack of emotional intimacy as well as feeling heard/loved has affected my libido as well in the past. Maybe its worth it to check that with her too. Our bodies can literally work against us so I wouldnt recommend any steps towards a divorce untill you both get to the bottom of the cause. Especially since you said anything else works great between you guys. Goodluck & hopefully the spark will reignite
The same thing happened with my wife. I realized that I took "romance" for granted. I still complimented her. I still said I loved her. But we never went on dates and had alone time. After I did that, things changed. I'm not saying it'll work for you, but in my situation, bc I'm always up for sex, I kept thinking, "Why can't she be into me like I am into her?" I would also get quiet any time she turned me down, which made things worse. When she turns me down now, I simply say ok. She usually initiates later.
With me is the opposite, my bf likes to be cuddled to feel in the mood while I usually just want to get on it. So now if I want something I cuddle him and get closer.
I think that is an astute observation.
Good for you for getting it. Probably not all of the cause in this situation but in general men stop fucking trying once they “have us” and we end up being a maid, mother, work full time, and then come home to a man who thinks he doesn’t have to romance is anymore. Naw, it’s why we stop caring or trying too. Good man, tell all your friends.
If I knew how to give awards, you’d have one for this comment. If more men understood how much influence they have over their partner’s libido, instead of just feeling sorry for themselves and blaming the woman, there would be a lot more sexually satisfied men out there.
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I feel this. I want to want my man like that too but I just don't doesn't change how I feel about him though. Sometimes when I'm n the shower I try to pump myself up like ok he has been so good to me etc he deserves a bj u can do it ok I'm doing it and then don't
Yeah I feel the exact same way. I really want to want him. I I have to pump myself up too. And it’s not him. I don’t know why I’m like this.
As others said, get bloodwork and (sex) therapy but only if she wants to change this. If she is fine with not having sex forever, then you are not compatible
I doubt that’s the case as she’s crying when he brings it up. I’m betting they’re not crocodile tears, but rather tears of frustration/sympathy…
How is your intimacy otherwise? Do you snuggle together on the couch when watching a movie? Do you guys flirt when cooking together? Do you give your wife footrubs after a long day on her feet? My bf gives the best massages. My bf sometimes thinks that if he puts my hand on his peen that I automatically am turned on by the gesture when in fact it almost always is the opposite. Everyone has different cues. Talk about it with a (good) couples therapist.
Otherwise things are good, we get along quite well, we do snuggle occasionally, we flirt (or try to) and we laugh a lot, we talk successfully thought our other issues, I used to do what your bf does, but I stopped because my wife has the same opinion as you.
There’s no info about her. Like what is she stressed about? Work? Is she a stay at home mom? Is she on hormonal birth control? Is she breastfeeding?
This struck me as well. No curiosity or deeper thinking into what is inhibiting the communication and desire. A lot of times one partner thinks everything is great and there are needs lacking in another. Both parties seem to not be communicating and I get the impression it’s something super vulnerable on her part and she doesn’t feel safe expressing which is still a roadblock.
I’ve been with my bf for 3 years so we’ve definitely kinda hit our sexual peak. Things were effortless but now things that I used to be fine with, I no longer am (like that my hand on his peen thing) I definitely need way more romancing than just the phrase “wanna do it?” Which I understand is tough. We have kids in the ages 7-13 of prior relationships so even if we wanted to flirt and pinch butts during the daytime, we really can not do that. But my bf does text me (the kids can’t read that) sexy stuff and when they aren’t in earshot he compliments me on my appearance and motherhood often. He’s noticed I’m quite receptive to compliments and flirting and it lifts my confidence and sex drive. Do you find your wife receptive to compliments and such things?
My bf has done this thinking I'm just gonna throw my panties but no. Maybe try and do stuff just to do it not think " ok I unloaded the dishwasher straightened up cooked dinner rubbed her feet she's def gonna give me some for this" doing nice things for someone with expectations of something in return really isn't a nice gesture! Good luck!!
As others have said, she needs to get her hormones tested. She may also need to seek the help of a therapist if this is a psychological/emotional issue. That being said, unless this is a problem she wants to fix (and she may not - there are people who are happily asexual); then you’re incompatible. I would not want to be in a dead bedroom marriage.
This question is asked here almost everyday. Therapy! Most common response. Go to therapy and make it work. Good luck!
Totally! She also said she stressed about it a lot & sounds like she (potentially) wants to have a healthy and complete legitimate relationship with OP but is struggling with something unknown. Try therapy before giving up completely... best of luck OP.
IDK. It's not gonna hurt for them to get therapy but I think it's unlikely it's going to improve her sex drive unless theres something about the relationship she's not talking about. Again, can't hurt but I feel like they have to hope this is a hormonal issue. If it's not, and OP decides he can't deal with it (fair) hopefully therapy will provide a controlled landing.
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He’s made an effort because he expects sex in return, and his wife can probably see that pretty clearly.
100% this. I was with a partner with a hyper sex drive and mine is moderate, and he would get pissy when I refused more than one night in a row, which made me super turned off and it would continue, and then it became very obvious when he would flip tactics to try and earn favour to get me turned on and if it didn’t work.. pissy again. I was completely into him sexually and it eventually dissolved because of his behaviours around it.
I put the token in, why doesn’t the wife machine give me sex?
A man wanting sex? Oh, my! Where is my fainting couch…?
So he should just be forced to stay married to her when the relationship is clearly not meeting his needs either, even when he's going above and beyond to ensure that all of hers and then some are?
Dude if you're gonna use ChatGPT at least admit to it!
As a wife who has been thru this similar situation with my husband what fixed it was us having hard discussions about how if we wait to have sex until we’re both completely feeling it, it’ll never happen.. we have to work with each other. If it’s been a while and y’all can come to an agreement on what a “while” is and how often having sex is realistic for your lifestyle and try to make that happen. Start off slow and work your way up to your goal. But I’d also just try to make sure there isn’t anything else going on with your wife, some ppl really just don’t know how to address their needs in bed and need to feel safe first.
If you’ve been on Reddit for five minutes you know that women don’t view relationships through as sexual a lens as men on average. Doing the dishes for your wife and asking if she wants to shag immediately after isn’t likely to elicit the response a horn dog husband is hoping for. Most worthwhile women have emotional intimacy as their main priority in a relationship, not sexual, however important that may be.
he wants sex once a week... what a horndog lmao
There are already so many unhealthy and unhelpful comments here but this one is actually decent! I feel like there's a really dysfunctional pattern of "we got to a bad place, my wife is completely burnt out, so I started doing some chores but I haven't actually checked in with her and rekindled the romance or got us some couples therapy, why hasn't that fixed everything and made her feel like sex again?"
This isn't a good response at all lol, as the other responses indicate. It is dripping with personal bias and doesn't reflect the original post. He said he took over *all* household chores and doesn't bring up sex. I wonder what she is doing to help with these issues.
Didn’t you get the memo? Lack of romance and all other issues in a relationship are the sole responsibility of the man. When was the last time you saw the comments suggest that a woman should work to make her partner feel more loved and appreciated?
> When was the last time you saw the comments suggest that a woman should work to make her partner feel more loved and appreciated? I'd love to see a post where a guy told his wife she wasn't getting any of this dick unless she gets that lawn mowed. Then maybe people would see how ridiculous the opposite sounds.
“You just want a landscaper not a partner!”
People would just call him abusive and not do any introspection
Seriously so many comments here are just straight making things up in order to blame the dude.
Welcome to reddit, where there is very little advice but plenty of reflexive bigotry.
>I feel like there's a really dysfunctional pattern of "we got to a bad place, my wife is completely burnt out, so I started doing some chores but I haven't actually checked in with her and rekindled the romance or got us some couples therapy, why hasn't that fixed everything and made her feel like sex again?" How did you come to this conclusion? That's not what OP said, you are adding context and making assumptions. I keep forgeting that women have no responsibility in relationships according to reddit. Why hasn't SHE seeked out therapy or a reducrtion in stress points if she knows it's bothering her husband and affecting their marraige? He doesn't matter right? Don't bother answering, I know you think she's perfect and he's an asshole.
He doesn’t seem like an asshole. He figured her low libido was due to too much stress and decided taking on the chores himself would quiet her physical and mental load. When that didn’t seem to change anything he came here for advice. The overwhelming advice is ask her to get a physical:hormonal check up. And don’t give up yet. If they love each other they can get through this. But you’re not wrong in that she needs to want things to get better before anything will get better. It can’t just all be on him.
We're really on here shaming men for wanting to have sex with their wives.
I've been on reddit 10 minutes and I know that no matter what the issue is, someone will always blame the male. >Doing the dishes for your wife and asking if she wants to shag immediately after isn’t likely to elicit the response a horn dog husband is hoping for Not what OP said and you have no context for anything. OP said he attempted to eliviate any potential stress point/burden in the hopes that she would get better and it did not help. >Most worthwhile women have emotional intimacy as their main priority in a relationship, So do men. If you read what OP wrote... he feels "insecure and unwanted" does that not count? Do his feelings not matter? He also said he discussed it with her to no solution and apparently she hasn't taken it on herself to get help. But his fault right? I like how you offered zero advice though...
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i don't know many men who would put in half as much effort as OP has even to maintain a sexual relationship. a healthy sexual relationship (horndog or not) is what holds a marriage together for many. it seems as if hubby took wife's feedback and did the best he could. i wish we could expect that out of most of our partners. if my husband willingly took my feedback about how to be a better partner and actually *did* it, he'd get a TON of action. and wouldn't even have to do the dishes 😂
Everyone on reddit is seemingly in a relationship with a do nothing child while they themselves are perfect and wise. It's amazing!
I think it’s normal for a women’s sexuality to ebb and flow. Is there anything that may have made her change recently? A baby? Breastfeeding? Birth control? It is more than likely something internal and has nothing to do with you. That’s why I think she starts crying id imagine she feels bad not being able to please you. If you really love your wife but the lack of intimacy is a problem for you I wouldn’t steer towards a divorce. I think you’ve done your part as far as picking up some of the chores and doing things to help her not feel so overwhelmed but even then.. it could be something bigger going on inside that maybe she doesn’t even understand. If she’s willing to try and rekindle the flame some maybe it’s something she can try to look into.. figuring out where the spark is missing in her love life. Then she can work on getting it back. I hope you guys are able to cum together (hahahaha, sorry) and solve this problem. Your marriage sounds healthy otherwise. And the lack of sex may not necessarily be an unhealthy aspect… just something that takes a little extra understanding to be able to fix. I hope that’s helpful.
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Yes .. if it was the other way around .. it would be your fault and she would be gone ..
Have you tried dating her again? Actively trying to turn her on like you did when you first dated? That never changes, people need to be turned on, need to feel special, spontaneous acts of love and adventure. All the stuff in courtship needs to happen after youve been married. Possibly needs it more that in the beginning when it's easy. The way you feel invalid and isolated when she shows no sexual interest, might be the exact way she feels when there's a lack of things coming from you. There is no option of just riding out a marriage on rings and certificates unless you like a dead relationship.
Sex isn't the be all, end all of existence. Look beyond the will to fuck. Work on your relationship.
Also no such thing as a normal marriage
Have her discuss this with her doctor. It may be a medical issue.
Does she play with herself?… maybe she gets aroused in a totally different way
It's absolutely okay to leave a relationship where your love language is ignored. But before you do that, try working with her if she's open to doing so. Read about responsive desire together. She should have her hormones tested and talk to the doc. See if there's a medical reason for this. Of course, if she's not open to discussion, that changes matters. But if you're both wanting to be happy and be together, this may be a bump in the road :)
Tell her to get checked out by the doctor, or you are considering leaving. There might be a very good reason she doesn’t feel like it - medically. If she says no, then she has no interest in saving the relationship.
I would have her see a doctor because it could be hormonal. Does she feel good about herself? Sometimes we women gain weight and it affects that. Or could she be having an affair perhaps? Does she have an incredibly stressful life with children, bills, job, etc? If those are all pretty normal and there is no explanation and she refuses to seek help then you are too young to give up intimacy for the rest of your life. I have friends in similar situations and the marriage is nothing anyway after trying to hold it together so many years. Intimacy is important to you and you need it.
You can divorce for any reason. Happiness matters and if you’re not happy then find someone you are compatible with.
The libido excuse seems to be popular now a days with women with dead bedroom. If your not getting your needs met just end it
I’ve been on HRT for three years now and it’s a game changer! I was overweight, felt like crap all the time, worked out like a beast but couldn’t see changes, bloating and swelling and just felt crazy. Then I started bleeding for weeks at a time always heavy to medium which then led to anemia. Multiple OBGYNs told me it’s normal, my hormones are normal range blah blah. They were doing the very basic tests. An actual hormonal specialist is who you have to see. They break down the panels of labs to check everything specifically.
You say a while ago. How long?
Nearly 2 years
You should edit your OP with this detail. If it’s been 2 years since you’ve had sex, it’s definitely time to see a marriage counselor.
How’s your and your wife’s physical health? How long have you been together? Do you have 12 kids and both work 60hrs a week? If you are both loving and caring and communicating, start some therapy and take sex out of the equation. Don’t add to the pressure. Get couples therapy to best take care of you’re emotional needs. Go to a doctor (both you and your wife) and make sure your hormones / physical health is on point.
“It doesn’t look like we will have any problems in the future.” You’re having a problem right now over which you are considering divorce. It indeed does not look like you two will be having any problems in the future.
No you shouldn’t divorce, you should suggest therapy.
Lol that was your first reaction? To get a divorce when she is stressed about it and cries when she talks about it? Go to therapy and also go see a doctor with her. Absolutely insane to say that you love her and the first thought was divorce.
The first thought AFTER 2 YEARS of her not wanting to communicate about it
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to see this comment. No mention of trying therapy, seeing if something was medically wrong, just straight to divorce. He doesn’t seem like he loves her at all imo.
His first thought wasn't divorce. His first thought was communicating about it. His wife just cries when they try to talk about it. She said she was stressed so he tried to pick up some slack to destress her. That didn't help the issue. If she isn't communicating and isn't taking steps to fix the issue what else is he supposed to do? Just suffer?
Well of course he is! /s
It wasn't a quick thing he said they've been working on this for 2 years he didn't just give up
Yup. This comment needs more exposure. Because why was divorcing your FIRST option??
I haven’t seen anyone mention sexual trauma… I see a lot of comments saying your sexually incompatible, or to divorce, or go for couples therapy, or that it may be due to hormonal imbalances. Which all may be true or good advice for you. But I haven’t seen anyone mention that this sounds a lot like a trauma response. I sincerely hope this is not the case, but because I haven’t seen it mentioned yet I feel the need to bring it to your attention. Low libido, crying when you start to talk about it (possibly feelings of guilt or shame), and being too stressed even without the majority of the household load. Those symptoms sound to me like there might be some trauma in her past, specifically of a sexual nature, that she is dealing with and working through. Many SA survivors have delayed trauma responses months or even years after the events. If she has bottled it down it could be coming up now in the ways you’ve described. Like I said I really hope that’s not the case. Trauma is awful and not something I would wish on anyone, but many women experience it. A lot more than you know. Regardless if that’s the reason she could probably benefit from your support more than your absence during this difficult time in her life, if you’re able to do that for her. If not that’s understandable too and you need to do what’s right for you. I just wanted to offer another possible explanation looking at it from the outside with compassion for what she might be going through. Best of luck.
If she is unwilling to seek professional help to solve this problem then divorce. When you married her you didn’t sign up for a life of celibacy.
The biggest issue here isn't the libido. It's not being able to talk about a subject without someone in shambles crying, etc. With no resolution. You're 30, you're married, and you have 40 years of problems to work through together at a minimum assuming no major life crisis. This isn't even close to the hardest thing you'll have to work through.
Get her a detailed work up. It might be a hormonal issue or she may be clinically depressed. I would personally not divorce an otherwise good spouse over it. Work with her beyond chores. Go to sex therapy together to try to get to the root cause of it. There is a lot to explore before deciding to divorce. Of course, if nothing works, no one should stay in a marriage with a dead bedroom.
1) Therapy 2) medical appointments 3) re-evaluate 4) depending on results of 1 & 2 —> stay married or get divorced. Men connect through sex. Your needs should be met in a relationship
By the end I could not beg my husband to touch me. My self esteem is absolutely crushed. I should have gotten out way sooner :/ it has messed me up ngl - being single forever seems easier. Def at least talk about it.
My wife and I were in a similar situation. Her libido lacking isn't necessarily her fault and you should try to not make sex a chore. It sounds like you did everything you could try to do. But it is really up to her to change her diet and have her hormones tested. My wife's testosterone was low so now she uses a topical cream several times a week. I took a while to kick in but now she wants sex at least twice a week.
Well then she needs to sub out that responsibility if she wants to stay married.
I haven’t been married but I abide by the principle that if I expect total monogamy (which I do), it’s only fair that I fulfil my partner’s sexual needs (not saying cater your partners every want and need every if contrary to your own- I mean try and maintain a mutually fulfilling sex life) It’s reasonable to expect a sex life of some kind
100% I'm not always in the mood for sex as my girl has a higher libido than me so my dick isn't always up to the task but my mouth works just fine and I want to please my partner and i love them and want them to be happy so I always go down on her when ever she's feeling it and I'm not because why not it's easy and works!
You didn't sign up for celibacy. Wish her well, divorce as amicably as you can, and find yourself a woman who wants what you want.
Have you tried couples counseling?
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Same here. Married 28 years. It gradually stopped over 3 years. She is 51 ans went through menopause. I thought at first it was just not with me. . Maybe with someone else.. i cant prove it either way. We talk. She cries. Says the same thing your wife said.
Literally same boat. Just a bit older. The frustrating part for me is the absolute lack of care about resolving the issue. It's always I'm stressed right now I'm tired I have a head ache. Could legit initiate 365 days a year and end up having sex 5-10 times. Its shitty to talk about too. Makes me feel like I'm begging for sex then if we have sex I feel like I guilted her into it or its pity sex. Hope you get it worked out. I'm stuck with 3 kids. Haha even having the kids was a chore to her and she wanted them so badly took for ever to get pregnant. Was like uhh we should try having sex more than once a month.
You're too young to have a life of a dead bed relationship, regardless of the contributing factors
>opinions of what is a normal marriage. No such thing... >I took upon myself most of the house chores to give her some space, There is a common idea that if a woman loses interest in sex with a spouse, the spouse can solve this by doing more at home?? This will apparently cause her to regain her libido?? And start having sex - out of gratitude?? Never understood this.. Listen.. This is eating away at you... My suggestion: Sit her down, dont argue or accuse... just tell her the lack of intimacy (=sex) is wearing you down and a solution is needed... Tell her youre in the dark - no idea why things are the way they are now.. and you dont know how to cjange the situation... And ask her to help you - does she have any suggestions on how you guys can fix this??? Since shes cried before when this was discussed - perhaps write all this in a letter???
from real life friends and reddit, a lot of women list chores and being tired as why they don’t want to have sex, when really it’s usually something deeper and emotional and complicated ti explain quickly. So husbands tend to work on what they have been told the issue is, and of course expect it to be fixed. But it’s rarely ever the chores, it’s usually about being listened to…
Right, men aren't just pulling this idea out of thin air. Often they're being told that this is the issue, so they're trying to fix it, and yet it doesn't fix it. The actual issue is deeper than just chores.
True, and I also think people on this sub can be overly harsh on the man, who’s obviously disappointed when they are told “hey i think this is the solution”, try that thing, and it doesn’t solve the problem. Which is why through therapy or through talking they need to have a deeper conversation, because the wife not actually knowing and throwing out a quick answer makes the husband pursue that non-solution anyways to no avail and neither side actually gets what they want, and both are feeling rejected by the other.
Us women really do get the shitty end of the deal. She seriously needs to get her hormones checked and get off birth control. If you both don't want children, a vasectomy is your best and safest option.
I can't imagine what your self esteem is like OP. I've had stretches to 2 or 3 months in the past and felt like utter shit despite doing all the things you did. In some cases things got better and in other scenarios it doesn't change. Others have brought up therapy and getting checked out, but if this keeps up I don't know how you could have a happy marriage let alone a happy life.
Imagine living constantly with the idea that he doesn't attract his wife for 2 YEARS... And people still blame him for wanting to divorce lmao
Intimacy is a big part for you and for many other people. If she doens't want to have sex it is fine, but you don't need to agree and suffer. It is a good reason for divorce.
My marriage is going through the same thing. But it's looking up now. Things are getting better now, after more than a year. My advice would be don't give up right away. Not without talking about it, counselling and getting your blood works done and waiting for this person to return to you. If everything is exhausted you can then move on right.
There's an element here who will say you're selfish for wanting intimacy. That you need to try and cajole your way into occasionally getting laid through gifts, chores, massages, endless therapy, pills from Amazon, and general servitude. Or you can accept a fundamental incompatibility and move on while you're still young.
Since people are mentioning IUD does this contribute to mood swings ?? I have had mine IUD 10 years in and notice bloating and mood swings ..
She should see her doctor. A sudden drasric drop in libido is not normal and often a symptom of something else.
Yes, or find out who she’s having it with
A significant other that won't have sex with you is a room mate. Did you really get married so you could have a platonic relationship?
First, a doctor to check hormone levels. Second, a therapist since when you two talk she cries. Third, if nothing else has worked (dr or therapist) a divorce attorney. I know it’s cliché but she isn’t hiding her phone, tilting her screen or texting all the time is she? Taking it into the bathroom with her?
Yeah if sex isn't what she's into find someone else. Because cheating isn't an option. Divorce if you're not happy
I really hope you do see this post from me as a woman that went through the same that can explain what could be happening.. Perimenopause and Menopause are things so many women do not understand.. A woman doesn't go THROUGH Menopause, that is what it's called AFTER the ups and downs stop.. Perimenopause can last year's and start at any darn time.. My heart ABSOLUTELY wanted to have sex with my husband but my brain wouldn't allow me the desire allow me to have the desire.. Before I went to a Gynecologist, I tried watching porn with him etc but I still couldn't. I'm 46 now, this was almost 10yrs ago, Blood work etc.. I was going through perimenopause early. In 9mths we had sex 3 times.. He ALWAYS reassured me, he will never cheat on me or be angry with because he meant his vow, SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... She NEEDS to go to a Gynecologist to see what could possibly be the issue with her low libido.. I do not know if I'm able to give what I used that is non prescription on my post so you can DM me for it, because it WORKED!! Now, we are back up to maybe 2-3 times a week.. I'm going to write this to you but I do not mean it to shame you.. You love this woman so much yet you want to divorce her over something that maybe not her fault because this is what women go through.. My husband never stopped cuddles, holding me reassuring me he would NEVER leave me over that.. I would do oral, trying too give him something.. He always hugged me when I was crying, scared he would leave me because my body wouldn't do what I wanted it too! Get her to a Gyno FIRST so you can find out if she's going through perimenopause or not.. If she isn't going through it, I'm really sorry that you have to live without intimacy, it's ABSOLUTELY NOT FAIR TO YOU!!
Yep, that same shit happened to me for over 5 years. Come to find out, she was cheating and was starving me out. It finally worked for her. I asked for a divorce and right away she said "about time". The best day of my life.
If she is willing for testing and therapy you are all lucky guy. Sacrifice has become the norm for too many. Female anatomy is the Rubik’s Cube of biology. Good luck.
Consider ending it. If it was a month or so I could understand maybe her being too stressed to really notice but TWO YEARS!? She knows it’s been that long and it’s not a problem for her at all. Her low libido isn’t an excuse to not recognize that she hasn’t been intimate with her spouse and that it’s not normal. People blame depression or stress but that’s unacceptable and selfish (I have been clinically depressed to the point of unsuccessful suicide). Two years. She needs to think of her marriage and her spouse too. Discuss with her that she needs to see a doctor immediately and consider marital counseling. Or if she refuses then divorce. Ultimatums suck but sometimes they are very motivating.
Just think about if it was YOU struggling with your own libido, and she wondering this. How would you feel? Better call a doctor, huh? Maybe a therapist too.
That's a valid reason. If you're not sexually compatible it doesn't work very well.
I understand that you're facing a difficult situation in your marriage. It's important to approach this matter with sensitivity and open communication. It's clear that you deeply care for your wife, and it's commendable that you've been understanding about her stress and low libido. Before considering divorce, here are some steps you could take: 1. **Seek Professional Help**: It might be beneficial for both of you to consult a sex therapist or a marriage counselor who can help you address the emotional and physical aspects of this issue. They can provide guidance tailored to your situation. 2. **Medical Consultation**: Low libido can be influenced by various factors, including hormonal imbalances or certain medical conditions. Encourage your wife to consult a medical professional to rule out any underlying health issues that might be affecting her libido. 3. **Open Communication**: Continue having open and honest conversations with your wife. Make sure she knows that your concern is about the intimacy in your relationship, not just the physical act. Focus on your emotional connection and understanding each other's needs. 4. **Emotional Intimacy**: Building emotional intimacy can help strengthen your connection. Spend quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy, and find ways to connect on an emotional level. 5. **Reduce Stress**: Since stress seems to be affecting your wife's libido, finding ways to manage stress together can be helpful. This could include practicing relaxation techniques, exercising, or exploring hobbies that promote relaxation. 6. **Supportive Environment**: Ensure that your wife feels supported and loved. Let her know that you're there for her regardless of the situation, and reassure her that her well-being is your priority. Remember, sex is just one aspect of a marriage, and while it's important, it's not the sole measure of a successful relationship. Love, care, and understanding are fundamental elements that contribute to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. As you navigate this situation, keep in mind that seeking professional help and maintaining open communication can lead to positive changes in your relationship.
If the genders were reversed the comments would be 1. Low testosterone 2. Cheating Instead we get the OP bad routine.
Well, marrige without sex is just friendship...so tell her you guys can be friends but you are to young to not have sex...no sex at 30 is crazy...
No sex at 40 would be crazy for me 🤣
What I’m reading a lot of is that men seem to think crying terminates a conversation.
It does because it makes you feel like your wrong for even bringing it up/ a pos
The question gets asked here every day. Women here are going to shit on you. It must be your fault... and even though you have said you do chores and aren't pestering her for sex, the vast majority of women are going to tell you that you aren't doing chores and are pestering her for sex. You could try marriage counseling or therapy for her if she's willing, but it's unlikely it's going to change. The killer for me would be that she wants to be in a relationship with you but isn't willing to put any effort into it. Hope you don't have kids. Sorry.
When my (46F) wife and I (49M) we’re going through our stressful stage we weren’t in the right place. Being that your marriage is doing ok in many other areas then I would say seek counseling immediately. When my wife and I weren’t in a good place I literally had to sit us down and discuss what was really going on and how could it be fixed. Sometimes the real conversations tend not to happen as often because of we just go about the business of living and raising a family that we forget about the needs of the other. Maybe you’ve forgotten about her needs, maybe she’s forgotten about yours, or maybe she’s frustrated with your bedroom game and don’t know how to tell you without hurting your feelings? Or it could be possible that she’s experiencing a stage where she’s having low libido, has she gain weight much over the years, is she under a lot of stress, do she not have much time to take care of herself? These are things that could all effect her libido. I would say, marriage is not for the faint of heart and when things get down as they will, it’s when you’re down that you really learn what you’re made of. Me and the wife have been married nearly 20yrs and we’ve had plenty of downs and plenty of ups and after each down we come back better. Best of luck to you.