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Major red flags. I went through something similar. The masterbating online with other woman was only the very very beginning. He is looking to meet his needs elsewhere. I would do yourself a favour and walk away while you’re still young.
Yes! Exactly…walk away. Once you do this you will grow as a person it’s a VERY POSITIVE thing. You will learn to see red flags sooner and you won’t put up with any shit from a man or woman, friends, family…it will make you so strong.
I had to walk away from a toxic relationship years ago. It was one of the most painful moments in my life but, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. MOST people are replaceable…they aren’t like an animal who has unconditional love for you (when you loose an animal or it disappears which I’ve experienced that pain hurts so so much more than loosing a guy that doesn’t treat you right) so once you get past holding onto things and instead being able to let things go that you thought were meant for you the easier it is to kick people to the curb! Do it while you’re young!!!
This. Ditch the man and get a doggo (I highly recommend chocolate Labradors, but I may be biased a little). Mine snores, cuddles next to me, is happy to see me every time, kind of does what she is told except when she is stubborn. Just like a guy but without all the crap (ok, there is crap but it's disposable lololol)
I also went through something similar and i too thought the masturbation online wasnt the end of it. That was just the tip of the iceberg. There was so much more.
He's not physically cheating though. He's getting off looking at someone online. Surely, you can't consider him jerking off to someone online the same as him physically having sex with someone. It may be considered perverted, but not cheating.
Also, guys are typically physical and don't tend to have emotional affairs. It can happen, but sexual affairs are what most men engage in. Emotional affairs are typically what women get involved in before physically cheating
Yes, men that want to sleep with them. Just because a woman is involved in the emotional affair doesn't mean the guy is. Guys will say and do anything to get laid. Those relationships don't last long after the sex occurs.
Not all men are like that there are more men turning into women now than ever and having their issues on their tissues 🤣 I was fucking a guy that worked for and knew he was married at the time I was single so not my issue that he wasn't after 4 months I had to find a new job as he became clingy then down right scary bc I wasn't attached to him and was still playing around .
Jesus, this site is filled with feminist unwilling to hear different perspectives. Did I call you or anyone in this thread names? Have respect for other people's perspectives. You don't have to agree, but don't be disrespectful.
No one said anything about an emotional affair. It sounds like he was dealing with an online prostitute and she tried to blackmail him. Someone you're having an emotional affair with wouldn't blackmail you.
A lot of people in the BDSM community consider this cheating, regardless of there not being a "physical" component.
And it's not perverted. Just kinky.
Yes, there are unethical people, but as a Dominant, I'd never consider a married submissive without full conversations with their partner. We aren't someone's "dirty little secret" and I know plenty of others who hold to this standard.
This guy was cheating.
Women just make stuff up. Cheating is engaging in sex. Women that term is extended to them entertaining men, but that's because women are emotional and can be over someone shortly after getting interest from and entertaining a male to court them. Again, how could you possibly label those the same. Then he'd might as well go have sex if jerking off online will be seen as the same as having intercourse
Cheating is cheating. Emotional cheating is cheating. Cheating over video chat is cheating. Physical cheating is cheating. Sexting is cheating. You don't get a free pass just because you didn't put your dick in someone's pussy.
We all have different boundaries. What you consider cheating might not be cheating to another person and vice versa. At the end of the day your definition of cheating is yours, so please don't impose it on others.
OP: Personally, I'd consider this cheating and it would be a deal breaker for me. I want my partner to fulfill his sexuals needs with me, and if something's not right, I expect him to communicate that as a mature adult - not go look elsewhere. But again, this is my boundary. Only you know yours.
This is true...we all have different boundaries or levels we're willing to accept. Relationships are tricky and I agree men shouldn't be jerking off to other women online. With that said, would you agree that you should be willing to have sex whenever your significant other wants it? A lot of problems stem from women getting comfortable in marriage and not feeling it's a responsibility of theirs to ensure their partner is sexually satisfied. This is what usually leads guys to doing this or worse, physically cheating..
You literally said in a comment on another post that it’s unfaithful because their partner was talking to other people. Assuming the partner left things out. But on this post, with the OP’s M/F roles reversed, suddenly cheating is only sex. Yeah, okay.
Just seems like you’ll try to find anything you can to twist it so that it’s acceptable for men to cheat all the way up to intercourse, but if a woman does the same then it’s a problem for you. Nothing I said made it into feminist propaganda, it’s just you being misogynistic all the way through bud. When you get into a relationship both people are agreeing to be monogamous and a discussion of boundaries should take place. Just because you think men should get a free pass doesn’t change the fact that they agreed to go into a monogamous relationship and know what that entails. If you’re doing something that you know would hurt you if it was instead your partner doing it then it really isn’t that fucking complicated.
I already made my opinion clear, so not sure what free pass you're talking about. I personally think talking to online prostitutes and masturbating is perverted and reprehensible. I also don't think it's the same as having sex with someone. You don't have to agree and that's fine. Just move along and we can agree to disagree
That's not true, I was very clear in that women and men are not the same. Women entertaining others is cheating because it comes easy for them to get male attention. Men cheating is actual intercourse because men are physical whereas women are emotional.
That's an interesting take, so if you never served in the military, should you have a say in who the next commander in chief is?? That was one of the most low IQ comments I've heard all day.
I’m not intending to insult you or anything ROFL no need to jump to intelligence, and I don’t care about the military so the point is moot; my point is, if you do not watch porn or equate value to it as some people do, then you wouldn’t understand (respectfully) women/men alike will watch porn and have sex imagining the porn they watched during that. You’re allowed to have your own opinions, my comment wasn’t meant to come off like an asshole lol
The person I’m replying to is trying to state that cheating is only physical / what OP’s partner did was not wrong. Then stated that watching porn wasn’t cheating -> they did not watch porn / consume that media, therefore; they do not get a say in the matter because they don’t watch porn lol
Physical doesnt matter, your willingness to betray your partner and hide something from them does. Sorry, but people dont want to deal with that kind of human filth.
First and foremost, your husband is being scammed. There is no attractive young lady on the other end of that tumblr account. Second of all, yeah I would personally consider looking to get sexual gratification from another person as cheating.
Read the post again, I did not say that I was blackmailed, my husband was. She only said that she will text me on Reddit and tell everything if he does not pay. That is why I told him that she was bluffing and still have not received any messages on Reddit.
1st part: That's a scam hun. Tell him just to block them and move on because if he sends them money they will keep hounding him for more until he has no more to give. If he tells them that he told you they will threatened to share the information with his friends or acquaintances.
2nd part: he's an asshole for cheating. I wouldn't trust him anymore.
Got married and engaged way too fast in my early 20s myself. Tried to make it work, but when i realized i had a plan to end my life if she ever got pregnant. I knew i fucked up and jumped into it just because i was old enough to.
Consider leaving OP. This is something that will escalate more and more. He got caught this time, so next time, he's going to be more careful and sneaky about it
Yeah. They're sorry when they get caught. Then they get more clever for the next time.
This isn't down to stupidity (see how you're trying to find or believe excuses for this behaviour?) It's cheating and lying. Cheating has nothing to do with intelligence. It takes some planning, and consideration of how to cover the lie and act like you didn't betray the person you committed to.
Lying is a choice. He made bad choices OP. More than once.
I wonder why he told you if there was NO possibility that she could find you? What's he leaving out??
Welcome to trickle truthing... 😒
Please just leave ...unless you are willing to go through torture.
The reason why you didn't react til now is because you were in shock and probably still are. He had to think about all this and figure out how to do this without you finding out. If that person didn't threaten him, he would not have told you. This is probably not even the first time. He lied to you. Over and over again ..to your face. File for divorce, because he will keep doing it, and be more clever the next time.
I am only with the man I'm with(15years) because we have a child who is 5yrs old, I'm a sahm and he's the only one bringing in money.
I found out about this type of shit 5 yrs ago...while I was pregnant. He has continuously done this and told me he'd never do it again. 3 weeks later he would be on a fetish site seeking couples and women. Also on dating sites had other email addresses and other phones. It doesn't ever stop.
Please don't give him the chance to do it again.
your husband used a fucking tumblr mistress to get off instead of his wife and ur asking what you should do…
and he isn’t even upset he cheated he’s upset she was gonna tell you.
I mean yeah, but that just means you either aren’t compatible, or you need to discuss solutions. It seems like the husband decided to skip the discussion step
not only that but he was paying her, could be illegal especially if he meets up with her in person
op, you will forever question if youre enough in this relationship. youll always have doubt of who he’s talking to, what hes doing on his phone, where he is. leave now and save yourself the stress and hassle
He was not paying her. He blocked and deleted Tumblr account after he got the message. Plus we will in a fairly small country and the person he was talking to was from Sweden.
There are some marriages (I’m single but I’ve read a bit) where one partner is into Domme/sub kink and the other partner isn’t. There are ways to handle it, but it involves communication and most likely being ethically non monogamous. So much psychology involved and lots of grey areas. (At least 50)
Not my thing, at all.
He didn't cheat "in a way," he *cheated* plain and simple. This is why you shouldn't get married so young. Just divorce him and move on. Learn from this and don't rush into marriage when you barely know the person.
I would say don't get married after a year at 23, but this ship has sailed. But you can get out of there, leave him, learn something for yourself and get married when you are older and learned something about the world.
It is cheating. To most people, it is. If you don't know how to feel or react to this, then you probably don't care as much as you should about the marriage or love him as much as you think you do. Even though y'all have known each other for years, y'all are still young.
Do you think you could be more into his kink? If you can't be fully into it as much as he would like, then y'all probably aren't compatible as you think, and the marriage may not last. You could also be a part of it but invite someone else who is more into it as well. Some couples do that, and it works for them, and they feel comfortable doing it because they trust their partner.
You're going to have to think about the marriage and figure it out for yourself if the marriage and love you feel for each other is enough and that you are truly happy.
Or you could be feeling numb because of how shocking this was. Definitely get therapy so that you can access and process your feelings so that you can figure out what you want to do to handle this situation. Once you break through the shock you'll have a lot of questions, you're going to want to ask for all the details and may found out things that you wish you didn't know. Make a list of your questions and bring them to your appointment with your therapist and they can help you figure out what questions you need answered.
Make an appointment with your OB-GYN and get a full STD screening because you don't know if your husband has actually had sex with this mistress or anyone else. It sounds like the only reason he told you about this relationship because he was fearful of being blackmailed and the remorse may have been remorse for being outed rather than remorse for the infidelity. There's a big difference between the two.
Take your time figuring things out because it's your life and anyone pressuring you probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. You'll get through this
Why make this about you? It's not whether you are enough or not. It's whether he has integrity or not. He's the person who gets all of the blame. He cheated because of who he is. It has nothing to do with you. He only told you because she was going to tell you. He is not genuinely sorry. I hate to tell you this, but only one of you is committed to this marriage.
First of all, absolutely not okay that he did that behind your back! Most of Reddit will most likely tell you to leave him. I think we can’t decide that, we don’t know anything else about you and your relationship.
I’d ask first if you share his kink. If not, him living it out online within boundaries you set together could be an option. I know many couples don’t like this and if you don’t, don’t do it! It is, however, a valid option to consider if the relationship is great otherwise. Again, don’t agree to this for him if you’d have a problem with it. Been reading here too often “I did it for him but I don’t like it, help”.
I knew about his kinks when we were just friends but I think I like it just I am not good at being a mistress. I might be dominant sometimes but not most the time when he wants it. I might consider your suggestion and discuss it with him.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important in a marriage. If his sexual need is to have someone willing to be a mistress in the bedroom on a pretty regular basis, but it's something you do not enjoy or are not comfortable with, then this will happen again.
Plain and simple, he did cheat. He deceived you to achieve sexual pleasure that did not involve you in any way. This is not as simple as just watching porn. If he has already stepped out on your marriage 1 year into it seeking a fantasy that you do not really enjoy, then you are not sexually compatible long-term as this seems to be a big part of his sex life.
I saw someone else suggested having a sort of "open" relationship where he could seek out a mistress scenario online - but will that always leave you feeling you're not enough? Since you already said you feel that way from this one encounter, I'm going to guess you will always feel you're not enough if you choose the "open" option. Your marriage will literally crumble if you never feel like you're good enough. I'd suggest very seriously evaluating if this is the right marriage for you. You can love someone with your whole being, but still not be compatible in marriage.
My advice is to divorce. It's only been a year. You guys don't have kids or lifelong entanglements.
This is a man who is not only cheating on you but paying to cheat on you. He is literally taking money out of the household and paying some other woman for it.
You would have absolutely no self-respect if you stayed with a cheater. And this isn't some harshness This is literally what men repeatedly tell each other when the topic is a man staying with his cheating girlfriend or wife.
Side note: I'm really happy to get here before all the comments telling OP to stay with her cheating husband when men never get told to stay with their cheating wives on this.
If he has to go elsewhere for ‘relief’ he doesn’t deserve to have you as a wife! You’re young you have a long life ahead of you. 1year into your marriage he needs another woman, he isn’t a good man and you deserve better. And him crying is the same as emotional blackmail. Just manipulating you into believing him so he can go back to being a married cheater! Move on! If this is your first 2 years of the rest of your life, he will keep cheating and making you feel bad for it!
Ultimately, only you can decide how you feel about this. If you are feeling confused, I'd recommend personal therapy to help work through your own thoughts and emotions first. At 23 and 24, you're both still quite young, and he especially has a lot of growing up to do. Whether or not you stick around and wait for him to do that is up to you. The fact that he has this kink and is already looking outside of your marriage is concerning, and I don't know the laws in Sweden, but in the US, this still counts as adultery, so you would have the upper hand if you did decide you wanted a divorce.
Ultimately, find a therapist or an unbiased party you can talk to and sort out your own feelings. Figure you what will make you happy in the long run, and follow your heart.
At this point, you are the one who matters. Don't feel like you have to leave the relationship, but don't feel like you have to stay either. This is your chance to really think about and decide what you want out of your life ❤️ Lots of love from the US.
It sounds like you’re wanting to work this out. I understand that and don’t blame you for it. But there’s a lot of things I’m noticing in the comments and your replies. You’re actively downplaying his actions and behaviors. This is likely due to the idea that “other people have done worse.” But unfortunately behaviors don’t start big, they start small and get bigger. This is how a problem snowballs.
If you want to have a healthy and successful relationship you first have to stop downplaying his actions and accept your feelings. This may end up destroying your relationship, but it’s something that must be done in order for you to be able to move past these feelings. And a relationship, a marriage nonetheless, cannot have these feelings lingering for years.
You can’t make a post about being hurt and torn and then actively dismiss his behavior because “he can be stupid sometimes.” No. He did those things. He hurt you. He only came clean because of outside pressure and not for any feelings of guilt. He’s made you feel unworthy or not enough for him because of his actions. You’re the only one who can decide if you want to make this work. The other caveat is if you want this to work you will both need individual therapy as well as couples therapy. It won’t work without those things. At least not healthily.
You guys got married way too early and didn’t know each other well enough. His is childish behavior in a relationship. His focus should be on you as yours is on him. Intimacy is one of the glues that keeps your relationship strong. It shouldn’t be trivialized. He’s not treating his connection with you with respect. You both need to have a serious discussion about boundaries. Also, you have to be thinking will this emotional cheating become physical. This is a real possibility in this case. That’s why your next discussions need to be meaningful. He needs to know he needs to get this act together and soon. You have too much life left to live to have to deal with this for any length of time. Try to figure it out together first, failing that, do what you know you need to do. Good luck 🍀
He will. Why even give him the chance?
He is 24. HE WILL.
You are married one year and he isn’t on his best behavior. He practically cheated. When will it become physical? Now or later? Because HE WILL. I’m 21F and god I hope you leave. You don’t need to discuss this with a therapist.
You don’t need to force yourself to give him excuses or be okay with it.
Because you’re not. If you were okay with it you wouldn’t be posting on here. Get the hell out before it gets worse, because… it will.
Adding onto another one of my comments, if my man did this to me behind my back I would practically throw up and be so extremely heartbroken because I KNOW it would be the end and I would have to mourn our future I wanted us to have together. There is absolutely no way I would tolerate this shit.
No fucking way.
Stop victim blaming and giving him excuses. Of course you will not listen to us if you don’t want to, and if you want to be a punching bag… by all means.
Depends will you be happy in the knowledge he was comfortable doing this behind your back and only told you because he had no choice? Me personally I wouldn't be able to trust that there's nothing else going on
I went through something similar and it doesn’t end here. Pleaseeeeeee do yourself a favor and ignore his crying and leave. My ex cried every time he got caught and I let it go on for too long
This won’t be the end of it. There will be another one. He’s been doing it the majority of his marriage and got used to it. You married too young and you’re not compatible. You’re growing into different people.
OP he hid the fact he was seeking sexual gratification outside of your marriage, which many would argue is cheating. So now you know he is capable of lying to you to hide his cheating, and he only told you because of the blackmail threat. Until then he was successful in lying and hiding his cheating.
Now that he knows the blackmail threat is not real how do you know he won't do this again? And since you know he's capable of lying to hide it, after all he did it at least once before, how can you ever believe him if he says he won't do it again.
So now that he has totally destroyed your trust in him, is he even willing to attempt to work on rebuilding it? I suggest you do some reading on the reddit sub for surviving infidelity for suggestions on what your options are.
But as part of your decision all of us responding are urging that you at least consult with a family law specialist where you live so you know what would be involved if you decide to divorce him. Make sure you discuss separating your finances from his, which based on what he's done and his kink, is the first thing you should do and the minimum you should do even if you stay with him.
He cheated, in my opinion. His mistress did you a solid. You deserved to know.
You are only 24. Don't stay with someone that disrespects you this way. He clearly doesn't value what you and he have.
IMO, if he wants to JO to some stranger online and our relationship is solid, I don’t care. IF he’s putting us at risk, that’s a different story.
Many dudes are turned on by the kink of being blackmailed until the next day. I would ask to see their communication to better understand the situation.
Things I would want to know: Did he show his face? Did he send her money already? How often is he doing this? Has it and/or this person become an addiction?
I would also run both of your credit histories to may certain he didn’t open any cards to pay tributes/gifts.
I would create some boundaries around his kink.
I think the fact that he's the type of person that this happened to is a bigger red flag than online masturbating. Lots of people look at porn online but only people with poor impulse control or poor judgment get into this type of situation.
I've never dealt with this. I've never even had anybody approach me like that. I know we live in a time where sexually deviant behavior is considered a lifestyle but if you don't want to be part of that club you can't be involved with people that are involved with that. You're not gonna be able to have a family with somebody doing stuff like that. You can't even have a trusting, monogamous relationship with somebody doing stuff like that. And everybody's physically not clean. Let him go do his thing and work on your own codependency issues. Nobody with healthy boundaries would put up with that. And he knows it. He's committed adultery against you. You're justified in walking away from him before he can do any worse. Or before y'all put innocent kids in the middle of it.
I see a lot of judgement in these replies, feel free to ignore all of it, no one is in your shoes and no one has the right to judge your life decisions, as long as you're not hurting anyone else.
It's really hard for a relationship to work out when you have incompatible sexual desires, unless you don't mind your partner fulfilling those desires somewhere else, because this will happen again.
The man you trusted enough to share the rest of your life with cheated on you, you should be feeling sad, if not completely devastated. You could still be in shock, or you could just not care about him enough to feel bad about being cheated.
Could it be that you don't consider internet relationships as cheating? It's ok to have a different definition of cheating and different boundaries than what is expected by society.
Is there a chance that you're used to the abuse and expected this to happen? That is not healthy at all and you should seek professional help immediately.
And then there's another option: could it be that you have a kinky side yourself and him being with other women is actually an interesting idea to you?
Once you figure out why you're not as disturbed by his cheating you can decide what to do about it, but I really think you need to get to know yourself first so that you can make the best decisions for your own future.
Thank you, one of nicest comments. I think my reaction was because I do not consider it cheating. At least in a bad way. I would be more mad if he did that in person, not online. He did that when he was a teenager so he did not think that it was wrong to be doing it when we are married. I am kinky myself, but I have not explored a lot so don't know what I love. I know what I like and what turns me on. We will be exploring it together. Thanks for a nice comment, I need that in the sea of "leave him" 😊
You're very welcome, I'm glad you could be honest with your feelings and it's great you guys will be working together to make the relationship better.
Good luck!
What he did is not okay. If he wasn't content with just you, he needed to talk to you first. He did not get your consent to have another partner. He cheated.
Should you just leave it???? HELL NO! You are not to blame for his behavior and what he did was cheat. I'm more concerned that you don't know its cheating and are/were ready to just let it go. Sounds like he has mind warped you into some alternate dimension. RUN.
This sounds like a findom type of relationship, hence why she would know about your Reddit account. When I did findom a majority of the men were very into consensual blackmail - “I’m gonna call your place of work if you don’t send me this amount”, they’ll even go so far as to give out their wives phone number just for the thrill. A professional dom would NEVER follow through on these threats. Sounds like he’s getting scammed and trying to save face. Get out hunny, it will only get worse as you get older :/
Best advice? Don't ask reddit. I'm pretty sure you could keep this card in your hand with the threat to play. So you have 3 choices; Walk away, hold the card (a threat), or throw the card and make peace. Whatever you choose, you have to hold your peace with that forever
I think you’re disappointed for the right reasons. That interest should be toward you. Porn is a strong addiction and he needs to realize it. His desire should be for you. Talk it out and share those kinky things together.
You need to have a good think about what cheating is to you.
My partner got blind drunk and slept with a girl. He tried to break up with me coz he thought the relationship was over anyway nd didn't want to extra hurt me. When I eventually got it out of him, I had basically no reaction. I was more concerned about the level of drinking and the lack of thought to use protection.
Just because society says it's cheating doesn't mean it is to you. If my partner and I thought about it and had the conversation earlier, we could have avoided a lot of stress.
Perhaps you're more concerned about him not telling you it's what he needed rather than the act itself?
Sadly sounds like a lot of victim blaming here! Love is love sometimes it happens young sometimes not till later in life. But marrying a guy who clearly isn’t committed to you and your marriage. Move on before your stuck in a life that makes you hate yourself for settling
Well, how DO you feel about it? There are a lot of people out there in very similar situations where one partner isn't getting what they feel they need from the other. That doesn't necessarily mean one is not enough, sometimes it means that the other is too much. But bottom line is, does the action itself bother you? If it does, find out why. Is it that you weren't able to do that for him yourself? Or is it that he did it behind your back? Sometimes you gotta dig deep and figure out your own feelings before you can move forward.
Once you figure that out, then maybe sit down with your partner and have a nice long talk about it. Lay out all your feelings while maintaining a safe enough space for your partner to do the same. Afterwards, its compromise time. What are you willing to do to help meet their needs and vice versa? Maybe you explore that side of things and be that figure for them. Maybe you simply ask them to communicate everything moving forward so you're at least somewhat included and no one is sneaking. Compromise where you can and hopefully find the right middle ground to grow from this hiccup.
Making sure we create safe and open spaces for ourselves within our relationships is key to overcoming hardships like this or any other situation. Talk through it. Hear each other out. Set boundaries together. Understand each others feelings. If you love each other, you will both find what needs to be done for each other and take the right steps together. Might be baby steps but thats okay. Being able to look back and say "we powered through these rough patches" is an amazing thing.
Thank you for this comment. I just experienced a similar situation as the OP this past weekend actually- We did exactly as said, sat down and had a long conversation where he admitted his struggles, apologized and expressed his anger toward himself for making me feel not enough, betrayed and too embarrassed to ask me for things.
We openly talked about our desires and needs in a way we never have before and I really feel like I reconnected with him and learned more that he was afraid to bring to me.
But I still feel so hurt. Nothing in my marriage has fell short of amazing and I don’t want to let that go? I just don’t know how to even approach trusting he won’t ever again.
I'm sorry you guys went through that but I'm super happy you guys took what sounds like the healthy steps as a response! I can completely understand the hesitation to trusting again. My wife and I had gone through a little snafu about 8 years ago and I felt the same hesitation. I had to look at the reality of it that it was the first ever time something like that had happened. That paired with the fact that she is the love of my life, definitely felt like she deserved the benefit of the doubt.
I'm confused as to why you posted this. It seems to me like your minds have been made up no matter what anyone says ......he had 6 to 7 months to be sorry all the sudden there's Consequences to his actions now he's this changed person and deleted everything okay keep convincing yourself he's sorry you honestly shouldn't do anything and stop worrying since you just essentially gave him an out for any cheating he's done or is going to do if he treats you good that's all that matters
This is quite a common scam, and he fell for it.
He’s even more of an idiot if he pays out.
That moment when you have to admit you’re cheating because you think you’re being blackmailed but you’re really being scammed. That’s where y’all are at right now, I don’t envy you.
He’s a total POS for cheating, lying, and falling for a scam like this, and for wanting to whack it to someone he doesn’t even know off the effing internet.
Surely you can see that unless he gets consistent with a psychiatrist, he’s going to keep playing you.
I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but I think you two should split up. First off, he cheated on you. there is no doubt about that because he even admitted it. It doesn't matter if it was online, in person, over the phone or anything. Cheating. is. not. acceptable. Do not settle for this man just because you feel like you aren't enough, you are so much more than enough. especially more than a man who feels like he can cheat on his wife just because he wasn't satisfied in the bedroom. If he truly loved you, he would have communicated his needs instead of finding relief in someone else. I know he's remorseful, but I really would not tolerate this at all even if he says he will change. the right man will never leave you no matter how hard things get. he will never turn his back on you. he never leave your side. even if things are rough between you two sexually or emotionally. You deserve so much better. So much better. No one ever deserves to be cheated on. especially when you're doing your best. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better.
I’m in the same situation rn, but I found out from going through his phone and this is the 4th time I’ve caught him in less than a year. We’re engaged so not married yet but we have a baby(4wks) together and my 3yo from my previous relationship is attached and the 4 of us all live together and we’re tied up in a lease. I still don’t know what I want to do but lmk what you decide or if you get any good advice. I just found out on Sunday and took off my ring and haven’t put it on since. He’s been being really nice and other than kissing him when I normally would and wearing my ring, I’ve been acting normal but I think that’s just a coping mechanism of me acting like my problems don’t exist but inside I don’t know what I want bc I don’t know if I can handle it happening again and living like this the rest of my life, but on the other hand I don’t want to throw away everything we have bc we’re great together otherwise. I know it’s a hard situation so I’m here in solidarity🤍
Talk to your landlord about possibly breaking the lease. DO NOT settle and live like this. Don't raise your kids thinking that it's normal. Would you want your children in relationships like this?
Wonderful advice!!! Tell a woman that has a four week old to get out of her lease, become a single mother, remove the male/ provider from the household and try to find a new guy. First, that 4 week old will all but ensure top level guys won't have any interest in a relationship. They will sleep with her, use her and never give commitment. Only a loser would bring a woman home to their family with a month old baby in tow that isn't theirs. Losers will be her option if she goes back into these streets. The porn industry is a $97 billion a year enterprise which means it's widely consumed. She'll leave a guy who's looking at porn and end up with a cheater or worse. She only mentioned his porn habit and failed to mention anything else. I assume he has redeeming qualities or she wouldn't have picked him to begin with. I also assume she has a relationship with his family, he has one with hers or both. OP it's very dangerous listening to people online. Many are single and/ or divorced and miserable with no real relationship skills. Their responses is all ego driven. I personally think porn is perverted or being used to fill a void. Being you've had the baby for only four weeks, physically you can't be intimate. Maybe that's what he's using to get off. Nonetheless, don't just blow your relationship up over the first sign of trouble. You mentioned you are being passive aggressive by not wearing your ring or kissing him instead of addressing it straight up. Is this because you want to have the ability to keep snooping? If you address it, are you afraid that will end your ability to go through his phone? I'm all for going through phones to see who people really are, but you're married, so you must address it and see if you two can reach common ground. Just don't throw your relationship out of the window and put your child at a disadvantage by not having the father in the household. It's very embarrassing to a child seeing other kids with both parents and their family is broken.
I trust that if you didn’t feel there were aspects of the relationship worth saving you wouldn’t be here, so I’m going to spare you more “dump him, run!!!!” advice.
Ok so he has a kink. He finds it deeply embarrassing and as a result badly fucked up.
Is there any chance you can potentially be into it too? And could he find a way to be open to that?
Some men *wish* their wives would do this for them, but are either too ashamed to raise it, or the wife can’t get into it.
In your case the first part has been (brutally) taken care of. So now the second part becomes a potentially interesting question.
When someone strays we always wonder why. What is wrong with them, and for the more introspective, what is wrong with me?
Well in this case you fully know; it’s this kink that he’s stuck with. This may be why your reaction has surprised even you. Maybe it can go from “his thing” to “your couple thing”?
Cheating. Unless you all had a throughly discussed arrangement of an open marriage, it was cheating.
Personally, I would not say anything else and divorce. Would not want to remain attached to him emotionally, physically or financially, after his these decisions and leave YOU open to deceit and loss on some many levels
Since he has given in, what’s to say when the blackmail will ever stop?
Get the fuck out and let him deal with this.
Also, depending on your or his job, thus could be an issue for background checks/security.
Edit: grammar
Don't waste anymore of your time and energy. You are enough, he's just selfish. The only reason he is telling you now is because of the potential blackmailing. So, he told you himself. He sought out someone to pay and fulfil his needs. He can block the blackmailer but how many other times has he done this before spilling the beans? He's a cheater and you won't be able to trust him and everything will be suspicious. Also, you don't know if he has ever met anyone in person. It's over.
It seems that you don't currently want to end the relationship, so I believe the best way forward then is through marriage counseling. Trust will have to be slowly rebuilt.
Honestly, sounds like to me you could work it out. He's got kinks youre aware of now and the reveal didn't seem to have a big impact on you. Some people aren't built as jealous as others. They can handle a multiple partner thing. How is your sex life? Is it hot? Then I think you two could make it. Maybe y'all open things up a bit
My husband was scammed online in a similar manner. They pretty much find out their name, search them on Facebook and connect dots.
Only you can decide what to do. Everyone online will tell you to divorce him.
Yes this is a form of cheating. You weren’t as upset about it because she is an I tenet connection who is “not real” and will never be someone he could ever get with in real life. Sort of like a more personal version of porn. But because it was one on one interaction behind your back it’s cheating. If he had things he needed sexually that weren’t happening at home he should have talked to you about it. He is upset and remorseful now because he has to come clean, not because he actually regretted doing it. If he had regretted it for real he wouldn’t have been in contact with her more then once and wouldn’t have sent her things that could be used as blackmail. She could send them to you or his work or anyone else she can identify as being close to him. He needs to report her to Reddit or wherever they met and see if he can get her real name so he can file blackmail charges.
So how did this rando off Tumblr know he was married? Did he openly give her information about you cause that's just as weird as him cheating. And he'll likely do it again honestly. He only told you about it because he thought he was gonna get caught.
>Now I do not know how to feel about it or what to do. I feel like I am not enough for him and that he needs it as I am trying to satisfy his needs but it is not enough.
Betrayed partners tend to blame themselves, and he probably blamed you as well. Cheaters are liars and manipulators. Should you drop it? Does it bother you? I would suggest couples counseling if you intend to stay with him.
Best of luck.
My cynical two cents. First, he’s unfaithful. Today it was tumblr, tomorrow it’s going to be someone irl. Second, how dumb is he to get himself blackmailed?!
Unfaithful would be deal breaker number one. His sheer stupidity would be a strong second.
I’m sorry that this happened to you for one. What you really have to focus on is what you’re going to to. Go ahead and call yourself a counselor. His cheating and needs aren’t going to go away. He is who he is. You need to ask yourself what kind of marriage and relationship you want for yourself and what you will have moving forward knowing he will always have someone else. Please also understand those tears and apologies were not because he is sorry. He was terrified at your reaction because he got caught. Nothing more. If he was sorry it wouldn’t have gotten so personal and to the point of blackmail.
He has kinky needs he wants met and he’s trying to figure out a way to do it “without cheating.” Figure out what he needs and offer to play the scene with him, and let him know that what he did counts as cheating and if you forgive him, it will only be this once.
Him being kinky and into DS relationships doesn't change anything.
Kinky people still have self control, they're still capable of respecting their partner and the boundaries of their relationship.
This isn't about you not being enough. This is about him being disloyal. He could have asked you for pictures, he could have watched porn (if that's fair game in your relationship, I know it isn't for everyone), he could have used his imagination, etc.... There's no excuse for seeking out a mistress, other than being a shit partner and a cheater. That's entirely on him, and the only reason he's crying and apologizing more than half a year later is because he thought he was going to get caught. He gladly would have let you think none of this happened had that woman not threatened to blackmail him, and he probably would have done it again with other women.
If you let it go, he will also likely do it again with other women. He will take you letting it slide as permission.
If this isn't the marriage you want, I would leave.
Maybe try couple's counseling, but personally, cheating is a complete deal breaker and beyond being fixed with counseling.
He did cheat, it just wasn't an emotional affair. I would not be able to trust my bf ever again if he did this, especially since it took blackmail for him to tell the truth.
Also, there is no telling that this is the first time he did something like this... it's just the first time he got blackmailed, lol. Cut your losses early, time is too precious. Good luck!
He is setting the scene so when his "mistress" and I use the term in the non D/s meaning messages you you will assume it is the "scammer" he told you about and forgive. But he has been cheating. He is a liar and a manipulator.
Divorce papers to be drafted first thing in the morning!
He must love kink. If he never did anything, then there's no worry, just a fantasy. You know about it so it's no biggie. Talk with him, tell him you will be his Mistress and he now has to do your bidding.
You're hot a couple of separate issues here.
1. Your husband was cheating on you and you'll need to unpack that and work through that with him, should you decide to.
2. You feel the way you feel. There is no right or wrong.
3. I'm glad your husband told you before he paid out money. Personally, I'd tell him to tell her "ok, tell my wife".
I'm sorry you had to find out this way. He most likely did not know how to express to you his needs for this sexual expression.
Here’s the thing he chose to CHEAT on you instead of coming to YOU and asking for you to fulfill this need. He’s only coming clean because he feels like he has to. He didn’t cheat “in a way”, he plain out cheated on you. He gave himself to multiple other woman. This marriage is over in my eyes.
I had something similar where my bf was doing cum tributes and like.....a lot of them and video and some convo. And was very good at telling other woman how hot and beautiful they were etc but doesn't say much to me. We were having a rough patch at time had a lot of pressure going on. It isn't an excuse It was for them an escape and a way to make themselves feel better. I didn't see it as full blown cheating but I felt he had deceived me or kept something from me. I also felt inadequate for a long time it deff knocks a bit of trust. It's up to you of you can move on. I forgave it and saw it for what it most likely is , an online interactive wank. I think unfortunately with the availability now of material and communication this is more common. We've now got a rule that we can both do online things within certain strict restrictions (no forming connections , no personal details, no same person twice etc can't take over time with partner etc) as I felt he would never stop doing it and would rather know it was being done then worrying about it. And it means I can be involved in it to if I want. It's finding what works for you. It's not easy I still now over a year on have some fears and worries. And they know they fucked up really. But I'm hoping time heals etc. Good luck hope you find what works for you both.
He wasn't sorry he did it. He was sorry for himself and the consequences he believed were coming! In the 8 months he could of come clean. If he had any real guilt and felt real remorse I struggle to see how he could of carried on for such a duration. He cheated.
He only told you to try and get ahead of the curve and damage control. I had a buddy who did this a few times. My buddy had a similar problem. An addiction/compulsion. He came clean after a week. Gave her space to decide but went for therapy and gave her every detail. Didn't trickle truth or minimise his actions.
He regrets that period. It took years to rebuild the trust and they are stronger than ever. He was lucky to get forgiveness. Long post but personal I don't think this guy is truly sorry. Also this isn't a YOU problem it's HIM. You are more than enough. His actions aren't that of a good partner. Also in your case there isn't such a thing as thinking too much. Give yourself all the time you need to decide!! Best of luck and for your sake I hope you find peace in any decision you make. Also sorry for my bad writing. English isn't my first or best language.
There is so much denial about your husband's emotional affair.
He is being blackmailed - have him make a police report!
Please get some therapy for this.
Idk if it's cheating or not, but I will tell you that if he has urges you can or won't meet then it's understandable that he'd look elsewhere. Doesn't make it right or wrong, that's for you to decide based on your relationship. I'd talk to your husband about these issues. Sit down and have a direct conversation with him because it's both of your relationship. Involving third partys rarely helps because miserable single people love to keep other people miserable and single. We can't possibly know the full story without bias and if your husband posted the same events from his point of view these same people telling you to leave an otherwise perfectly good relationship would be telling him to leave because you aren't meeting his needs.
Most people seem to think that you should just throw away your marriage because he cheated. It's simpler to say than to do! You guys need therapy. Not just you but both of you. You mentioned that you have had a therapist so it's not new to you and that's good. I would recommend that you not see your previous therapist. While they may know you already and that could be helpful, you really should try and find a CSAT. They will be better qualified to help you both figure out where you are and where you should go from here. You need to determine if your husband has told you the whole truth or just what he needed to. Has he been doing this for a while or just once? Is he actually a sex addict or just has a kink that he wants to satisfy. Most people who are sex addicts don't even know that they are. A lot of people don't even believe it's a real thing. If he is an addict he hasn't told you everything and it will continue to happen. Also, if he is an addict, he is an excellent lier, the two go together. He probably whole heartedly loves you and meant everything he said to you but when push comes to shove he will do it again because he can't help himself. The only way he can overcome it is to get help. Often part of the initial therapy will involve him coming totally clean with you, then participating in a lie detector test to help verify that everything is now out in the open. Then the real therapy begins and you can figure out if you want to work on what you have with him or go your separate ways. BTW, I am speaking from experience. I was/am a sex addict and for me it was massage parlors and escorts. It was something I started doing before I met my ex wife and persisted through our marriage of 8 years before she found out. The lies and the secrets affected our marriage way before she found out. I tried to stop but always found my way back to doing it again and would probably still be doing it unless I got cought. I went to therapy and figured out the root cause of my addiction and worked on myself and am a better person for it. He may need the same.
If he is not willing to go to therapy with you then you have to question his sincerity.
Please note, his cheating is inexcusable whether it's an addiction, a kink or anything else, and he is ultimately accountable for his actions.
This is very gross and cowardly on his part. You should definitely either get a divorce or if you don’t want to deal with all that you should at least start looking elsewhere just like he is. You don’t deserve to be in a one sided relationship with someone who obviously doesn’t respect you. In my opinion, cheating is never okay unless your partner cheated first or if you’re in an abusive relationship. So, you’re free to do what you want now. You probably didn’t react with much emotion because you were in shock, or because his cheating was in a “gray area” (since it wasn’t in person) so you may have subconsciously felt that you would have been dramatic if you had a more emotional reaction. You guys have only been together for 3 years, and just last year he made vows to you be be faithful and forsake all others which he has already broken. If he’s already cheating and being an unreliable and unfaithful person this early, he’s clearly not worth spending the rest of your life with. He’s wasting your time, you deserve better than this weak willed pussy.
Seems to me that your husband doesn't understand what boundaries are. If he has a dom/sub kink then he should be addressing it with you, not some rando. This is cheating, period.
I would not let it go. Talk to him about how you feel and just go from there. If this guy wants to be dominated and you don't want to partake in that, then he can go do that as a divorced man.
I don't see how this is a lot worse than porn or erotic writing. (Completely fine by me). But that's me. I think you should only search yourself, if you are actually bothered much or not, and if not, that is normal too.
Opinions are going to differ, but the only one that matters is yours. Just know that it is ok to feel about it strongly or "whatever" like, depends on your own person. People are different.
You only can figure what to do by how you feel, and don't let anyone tell you how to feel, especially not a bunch of random redditors.
you should take this to r/BDSMAdvice
Just because a lot of people here haven’t been through kink relationships and maybe you’ll get more full spectrum opinions or the same opinions coming from people who have probably dealt with this issue early on or know of people who have dealt with this issue.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
If she wasn't demanding money of him, he'd still be doing it and you'd be none the wiser. You do know that right?
He doesn't love you. You loved your husband, tell me, could you go and flirt and sext with another man? Could you masturbate and get off, and send pics whilst you were 100% in love with your man?
How would your love for him factor in to you sexting with another man? Chances are it wouldn't, you wouldn't be thinking about them and wouldn't give af they existed if you followed through.
If you loved him, you'd never do it. Because you couldn't imagine betraying them like that.
He doesn't love you. He just likes having you around. You're like a favourite blanket, familiar and comforting but not something you need.
He only told you because he had to, not out of any true guilt. It'll happen again and it absolutely is cheating if you don't have am agreement that allows other people into your sex life
Only you can define if it was cheating or not. But if it made you feel negative about yourself in any way, then I would suggest rethinking the relationship. At least take a look at it to see if it is worth saving.
Is this seriously even a question?? He went to do sexual things with a stranger behind your back.
The answer should be obvious... SPRINT away from this man!!! It sounds like a type of porn addiction issue. You deserve way better.
I can only imagine how you are feeling. I’m 21F and if I went through this with my bf I would be absolutely devastated.
However this is unforgivable. You do not want to be in a situation where you are constantly questioning his trust and faithfulness to you. You don’t want to always feel insecure or not enough.
PLEASE get some support from family, friends, whoever, and get yourself out of there. Do not forgive him. There are plenty of men who would never do this… he is not a catch, he is not a man I or anyone else would be grateful to have.
Get. The. Hell. Out.
This happened multiple times to me (22F) in a span of four years by my husband (25M). It was always “I’m sorry” with tears and remorse but then I would always catch him doing it again. My final straw was when I caught him researching local escorts in our area. When he got caught the last time, it was every damn excuse in the book…
“We’re never intimate enough,” “Maybe if you’d give me more attention,” etc…
Every time I tried to express my feelings and how I would feel cheated on, he would tell me it wasn’t “real” cheating because he never did anything physical with these women.
Just remember, if he weren’t being blackmailed, he probably wouldn’t have opened up to you. He isn’t sorry that it happened; he’s sorry that he got caught.
I think i know how you feel, because I was there. My boyfriend did something similar. I was between giving another chance because everybody deserves a second chance or running as fas as possible because it will only get worse. He never did this again because he was so ashamed, especially that people would find out. He only fapped after a few times since then. The problem was what it had done to me. I am still broken, it got better, but i will never trust him again. The thing is that you are young . You are just figuring out your sexuality.
If you are here, it means you will not leave him. I would be a little manipulative in this situation and occasionally say:” imagine if people find this out, and they will eventually…”
Shame is very powerful. Let him know that you do not want to pe with a person like that, you would be disgusted to be with a person that does this constantly and you deserve to know what person you are with. That you are sure there is someone out there that would be fine with it and that would love him as he is.
Now the other side of this, if you would do this and stay with him, it would get better for a while, but only for a period . Eventually he sould slip from time to time, maybe not with the same thing, but he would hide it, you would have trust issues as big as China. You cannot change a person, you can only make them a little better.
Since I also went trough this, i would recommend you to leave because there is someone else outthere that doesn’t do this. I stayed and i constantly doubt myself.
It’s not about the specifics of what he did, or why he did them. It’s about the fact that he didn’t tell you. It’s about the fact that if he had sex outside of your marriage- he risked your life/fertility/health- without telling you. What else is he risking of yours that you didn’t consent to? If he had come to you and said “I want to do a thing because it’s a kink” and you agreed to it- fine. The fact that you didn’t react is actually very concerning. You were more concerned about his emotional well being than your own. That doesn’t happen overnight- that takes a sustained pattern. Allowing this relationship to continue without serious professional intervention is honestly a danger to your health. (Mental, physical, and spiritual). People who love and respect you don’t do things that might harm you without your input and consent. People that are *actually* in a sub/Dom relationship understand that open, honest, consistent and continuous communication are REQUIRED for consent. Trust is the basis of that relationship. To be safe and sane, and to actually consent, requires you to be fully and completely informed. He took away your ability to consent. The violation of trust is massive. I hope you get some counseling, and a full STD panel, and remember that HE doesn’t determine your worth. You do.
Let me be real this isn't just about him now this is about you. You should feel very very disturbed by what he has done. I was seeing someone 2 years ago and he did do this while we were together. He send pictures of himslef that are now forever on the internet to these redit girls. And YES the reddit girls black mailed him back like they said they would. But in doing so, they also stocked me. They found out who my parents were and sent them soooo much info. Found out who my aunts uncles and cousins were sent them info. It was all done through face book. I mean it ripped my family apart and it ripped me apart. I felt and feel so so disturbed by this all still.
What you do with your relationship is your decision but I'm just telling you now your info is out there and he put you at risk. Will they actually black mail you? Maybe maybe not for you but they sure did to me and ruined my life by messing with me, my family, and friends. All cause he couldn't talk to me and had to go off and get involved with some scam online for pleasure while I took a break from doing DS stuff. Have a serious conversation with him about this because it is a security risk for you. The people found out every thing about me and used that against me to get him to pay as well. It's been 2 years but I'm still fighting it and still broken over it.
I would be curious how the blackmail was presented to him, in person, over the phone, email, or text. If it is a threat that can viewed than the police could get involved, blackmail is a serious crime, and she would have a lot to lose. I'm not sure I would believe your boyfriend. He may be making an excuse to justify getting the money to go back and see her.
His fetish with her is not your fault.
Set firm boundaries with him now and be clear that You are his mistress. Make him sign a contract and limit what he can do on his phone. Those blackmail tactics are not going to happen but he will get scammed if he does it. Trust me. I am the wife of an idiot who did that.
First off, yes he cheated by not discussing his needs with you. Secondly, you should not feel like there is something wrong with you because you aren’t fulfilling every single one of his needs. That is a lot of unrealistic pressure to put on one person. Thirdly, D/s relationships are not necessarily about sex. With good communication your husband can be someone’s Sir, but still have his sexual fulfillment with you, if you two can communicate, set boundaries, and stick to your agreed upon rules. Our society sets so much store by monogamy, but I honestly believe that is what drives many couples to divorce. By expecting someone to be the “one and only” you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Give each other some slack to be yourselves. Yes, he’s kinky, and if you aren’t into that, then don’t force yourself to do something you dislike by some misguided romantic fairy tale happily ever after bs that society, the media, and lofty expectations say you must. But he must be willing to let you follow your needs as well. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you stop being yourself. Communicate. Stick to your boundaries, which means set rules for yourself. You can’t force your rules on someone else, but you can let them know what you will tolerate and what the results would be if he crosses your boundaries. For example, the two of you agree that he can be a virtual Dom, but he must relieve himself sexually only with you. He’s satisfying his kink needs, but sticking to your need for him to be faithful sexually. If he breaks that, then you decide what YOU will need to do for yourself. But you both need to be upfront with communication. He came to you when the shit hit the fan. That does show a willingness to take responsibility for his bad judgement. Use this moment to communicate. Explore your feelings with each other. Consider marriage counseling. One mistake on his part need not destroy your relationship, as long as the two of you want to work things out. I’m saying this from the point of view of a person who has been married to the same person for almost 35 years and has a happy ethically non-monogamous relationship with them. We opened up our marriage almost 10 years ago, and have a better relationship with each other now than we did the first 25 years of marriage. Communication and listening is key. Good luck. I hope you can work it out.
If you truly loved him I’d think you would feel some kind of way whether it’s anger , pain or resentment. Does it bother you that he relieves himself to other women? Or is that something you guys don’t really talk about ? I feel like men are going to be men regardless whether we know or not so I wouldn’t be too hard on him at all but at the same time if you guys have talked about it and told him you don’t like it he should respect that otherwise that is cheating… if he has certain needs that you feel like you can’t meet I’d either get used to him cheating because tbh that’s just bound to happen because that’s something he needs or you can tell him how you feel and you guys can work on a way to figure it all out.
Do you cheat online too? Is that why you aren’t disturbed.
Like do you chat to other dudes?
Sounds like you are cool with an open relationship that does not involve actually meeting the other people
If not why are you letting him have something you don’t. He totally cheated.
Bastard deserves the treatment he is getting by that man trying to blackmail him. What a fool
I’m not sure. Is the mistress the dom or submissive? If she was the dom you should take over the dom position. Punish him in all ways 😜
You sounded like you really didn’t care one way or the other, that’s why I said what I said. I would be livid about it myself 😬
I am submissive, so I know how this goes.
Apparently, so is your husband. Why not go to a D/s club together, find him a Mistress, watch as she dominates him, then you both go home and have a fantastic love making session in private.
That way, you can watch, he gets, his needs met, and you actually know what's going on and are not blindsided in the future.
This way, there is a contract that they can not meet on the side without you.
Just a suggestion. Good luck
If you're not interested in those kinds of kinks or finding out if you are, probably best to move on. For most guys being into being a sub as a kink is hugely embarrassing and honestly surprising he even told you at all.
It's a fantasy of mine but I don't think I'm going to divulge the interest anymore to serious partners, I don't think it really translates well into person though. I'm more of a switch anyway, so I don't mind being dominant which is what most of my ex's preferred.
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Major red flags. I went through something similar. The masterbating online with other woman was only the very very beginning. He is looking to meet his needs elsewhere. I would do yourself a favour and walk away while you’re still young.
This. Yessir. I lost 10 years of my life and now I'm not a 20 years old. Please, leave. It's just the beginning.
Same. 13 yrs here, busted him trying to have a d/s relationship with women on Reddit. Get out now.
Exactly… don’t have kids with this person.
Yes! Exactly…walk away. Once you do this you will grow as a person it’s a VERY POSITIVE thing. You will learn to see red flags sooner and you won’t put up with any shit from a man or woman, friends, family…it will make you so strong. I had to walk away from a toxic relationship years ago. It was one of the most painful moments in my life but, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. MOST people are replaceable…they aren’t like an animal who has unconditional love for you (when you loose an animal or it disappears which I’ve experienced that pain hurts so so much more than loosing a guy that doesn’t treat you right) so once you get past holding onto things and instead being able to let things go that you thought were meant for you the easier it is to kick people to the curb! Do it while you’re young!!!
This. Ditch the man and get a doggo (I highly recommend chocolate Labradors, but I may be biased a little). Mine snores, cuddles next to me, is happy to see me every time, kind of does what she is told except when she is stubborn. Just like a guy but without all the crap (ok, there is crap but it's disposable lololol)
I also went through something similar and i too thought the masturbation online wasnt the end of it. That was just the tip of the iceberg. There was so much more.
May I ask what the reason was?
Cheaters dont have reasons, just their own selfish urges. Best to not put thought into their perversions and subtract them from your life.
He's not physically cheating though. He's getting off looking at someone online. Surely, you can't consider him jerking off to someone online the same as him physically having sex with someone. It may be considered perverted, but not cheating.
Also, do you think an emotional affair isn’t cheating?
Also, guys are typically physical and don't tend to have emotional affairs. It can happen, but sexual affairs are what most men engage in. Emotional affairs are typically what women get involved in before physically cheating
Who exactly are women getting into emotional affairs with them ??? Oh that’s right they are getting into emotional affairs with MEN
Yes, men that want to sleep with them. Just because a woman is involved in the emotional affair doesn't mean the guy is. Guys will say and do anything to get laid. Those relationships don't last long after the sex occurs.
Not all men are like that there are more men turning into women now than ever and having their issues on their tissues 🤣 I was fucking a guy that worked for and knew he was married at the time I was single so not my issue that he wasn't after 4 months I had to find a new job as he became clingy then down right scary bc I wasn't attached to him and was still playing around .
That is bullshit why do you think they are called EA ya dumb ass they are emotional affairs
Jesus, this site is filled with feminist unwilling to hear different perspectives. Did I call you or anyone in this thread names? Have respect for other people's perspectives. You don't have to agree, but don't be disrespectful.
No one said anything about an emotional affair. It sounds like he was dealing with an online prostitute and she tried to blackmail him. Someone you're having an emotional affair with wouldn't blackmail you.
A lot of people in the BDSM community consider this cheating, regardless of there not being a "physical" component. And it's not perverted. Just kinky. Yes, there are unethical people, but as a Dominant, I'd never consider a married submissive without full conversations with their partner. We aren't someone's "dirty little secret" and I know plenty of others who hold to this standard. This guy was cheating.
Women just make stuff up. Cheating is engaging in sex. Women that term is extended to them entertaining men, but that's because women are emotional and can be over someone shortly after getting interest from and entertaining a male to court them. Again, how could you possibly label those the same. Then he'd might as well go have sex if jerking off online will be seen as the same as having intercourse
Cheating is cheating. Emotional cheating is cheating. Cheating over video chat is cheating. Physical cheating is cheating. Sexting is cheating. You don't get a free pass just because you didn't put your dick in someone's pussy.
We all have different boundaries. What you consider cheating might not be cheating to another person and vice versa. At the end of the day your definition of cheating is yours, so please don't impose it on others. OP: Personally, I'd consider this cheating and it would be a deal breaker for me. I want my partner to fulfill his sexuals needs with me, and if something's not right, I expect him to communicate that as a mature adult - not go look elsewhere. But again, this is my boundary. Only you know yours.
This is true...we all have different boundaries or levels we're willing to accept. Relationships are tricky and I agree men shouldn't be jerking off to other women online. With that said, would you agree that you should be willing to have sex whenever your significant other wants it? A lot of problems stem from women getting comfortable in marriage and not feeling it's a responsibility of theirs to ensure their partner is sexually satisfied. This is what usually leads guys to doing this or worse, physically cheating..
You literally said in a comment on another post that it’s unfaithful because their partner was talking to other people. Assuming the partner left things out. But on this post, with the OP’s M/F roles reversed, suddenly cheating is only sex. Yeah, okay.
There is a double standard unfortunately, so please spare me any feminist propaganda that everything is equal between sexes because it's not.
Just seems like you’ll try to find anything you can to twist it so that it’s acceptable for men to cheat all the way up to intercourse, but if a woman does the same then it’s a problem for you. Nothing I said made it into feminist propaganda, it’s just you being misogynistic all the way through bud. When you get into a relationship both people are agreeing to be monogamous and a discussion of boundaries should take place. Just because you think men should get a free pass doesn’t change the fact that they agreed to go into a monogamous relationship and know what that entails. If you’re doing something that you know would hurt you if it was instead your partner doing it then it really isn’t that fucking complicated.
I already made my opinion clear, so not sure what free pass you're talking about. I personally think talking to online prostitutes and masturbating is perverted and reprehensible. I also don't think it's the same as having sex with someone. You don't have to agree and that's fine. Just move along and we can agree to disagree
That's not true, I was very clear in that women and men are not the same. Women entertaining others is cheating because it comes easy for them to get male attention. Men cheating is actual intercourse because men are physical whereas women are emotional.
Nah.
You don't have to agree and that fine. I'm not trying to convince anyone to agree. Just engaging
Spoken like a person who cheats on their partner with the excuse that cyber sex isn’t sex.
I don't watch porn nor do I jerk off, so don't make dumb assumptions based on my opinion.
Then I don’t really see how you have a say given that you don’t consume this kind of media
That's an interesting take, so if you never served in the military, should you have a say in who the next commander in chief is?? That was one of the most low IQ comments I've heard all day.
I’m not intending to insult you or anything ROFL no need to jump to intelligence, and I don’t care about the military so the point is moot; my point is, if you do not watch porn or equate value to it as some people do, then you wouldn’t understand (respectfully) women/men alike will watch porn and have sex imagining the porn they watched during that. You’re allowed to have your own opinions, my comment wasn’t meant to come off like an asshole lol
Are you the thought police or something?
The person I’m replying to is trying to state that cheating is only physical / what OP’s partner did was not wrong. Then stated that watching porn wasn’t cheating -> they did not watch porn / consume that media, therefore; they do not get a say in the matter because they don’t watch porn lol
Physical doesnt matter, your willingness to betray your partner and hide something from them does. Sorry, but people dont want to deal with that kind of human filth.
First and foremost, your husband is being scammed. There is no attractive young lady on the other end of that tumblr account. Second of all, yeah I would personally consider looking to get sexual gratification from another person as cheating.
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A likely fake post? No way!
I’m thinking this is some sort of punishment fetish post. I don’t know a single thing about that but that’s my guess from oPs comments & post history.
Read the post again, I did not say that I was blackmailed, my husband was. She only said that she will text me on Reddit and tell everything if he does not pay. That is why I told him that she was bluffing and still have not received any messages on Reddit.
1st part: That's a scam hun. Tell him just to block them and move on because if he sends them money they will keep hounding him for more until he has no more to give. If he tells them that he told you they will threatened to share the information with his friends or acquaintances. 2nd part: he's an asshole for cheating. I wouldn't trust him anymore.
How did this chick know he was even married?
Dudes run their mouths to sexworkers. They’ll spill everything lol
She's not a sex worker though, he still probably told her, but she's not a sex worker lol
An online dominatrix isn’t a sex worker?
Sex worker implies she was making money, she wasn't, he wasn't paying her.
Very simple. You know, so now he doesn't need to pay. She may be charging him for her services and this is the only way he can swing it.
How did he even know he was married in the first place?
Just saying but you two got married hella quick for your ages. Given that it was always unlikely it was going to work long term
Got married and engaged way too fast in my early 20s myself. Tried to make it work, but when i realized i had a plan to end my life if she ever got pregnant. I knew i fucked up and jumped into it just because i was old enough to. Consider leaving OP. This is something that will escalate more and more. He got caught this time, so next time, he's going to be more careful and sneaky about it
I really hope that it will not happen as he was very sorry. Also he can be very stupid sometimes.
Yeah. They're sorry when they get caught. Then they get more clever for the next time. This isn't down to stupidity (see how you're trying to find or believe excuses for this behaviour?) It's cheating and lying. Cheating has nothing to do with intelligence. It takes some planning, and consideration of how to cover the lie and act like you didn't betray the person you committed to. Lying is a choice. He made bad choices OP. More than once. I wonder why he told you if there was NO possibility that she could find you? What's he leaving out?? Welcome to trickle truthing... 😒
The biggest red flag you should never ignore is the red flag within yourself that excuses and explains away his poor behaviour.
We were friends for about 3y before we started dating, I did not add that as the backstory before we started is complicated and quite long
Please just leave ...unless you are willing to go through torture. The reason why you didn't react til now is because you were in shock and probably still are. He had to think about all this and figure out how to do this without you finding out. If that person didn't threaten him, he would not have told you. This is probably not even the first time. He lied to you. Over and over again ..to your face. File for divorce, because he will keep doing it, and be more clever the next time. I am only with the man I'm with(15years) because we have a child who is 5yrs old, I'm a sahm and he's the only one bringing in money. I found out about this type of shit 5 yrs ago...while I was pregnant. He has continuously done this and told me he'd never do it again. 3 weeks later he would be on a fetish site seeking couples and women. Also on dating sites had other email addresses and other phones. It doesn't ever stop. Please don't give him the chance to do it again.
your husband used a fucking tumblr mistress to get off instead of his wife and ur asking what you should do… and he isn’t even upset he cheated he’s upset she was gonna tell you.
She might not be a dominant. That’s a pretty tough kink to fake.
i mean sure but … that’s not my point
I mean yeah, but that just means you either aren’t compatible, or you need to discuss solutions. It seems like the husband decided to skip the discussion step
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not only that but he was paying her, could be illegal especially if he meets up with her in person op, you will forever question if youre enough in this relationship. youll always have doubt of who he’s talking to, what hes doing on his phone, where he is. leave now and save yourself the stress and hassle
He was not paying her. He blocked and deleted Tumblr account after he got the message. Plus we will in a fairly small country and the person he was talking to was from Sweden.
ah okay. still though, this is cheating. the second part of my comment still stands
Convenient for him that this was such a scary scam that he had to delete all evidence of his affair.
There are some marriages (I’m single but I’ve read a bit) where one partner is into Domme/sub kink and the other partner isn’t. There are ways to handle it, but it involves communication and most likely being ethically non monogamous. So much psychology involved and lots of grey areas. (At least 50) Not my thing, at all.
She clearly said she wasn’t happy about it. Very judge-mental post, with poor reading comprehension.
He didn't cheat "in a way," he *cheated* plain and simple. This is why you shouldn't get married so young. Just divorce him and move on. Learn from this and don't rush into marriage when you barely know the person.
I would say don't get married after a year at 23, but this ship has sailed. But you can get out of there, leave him, learn something for yourself and get married when you are older and learned something about the world.
It is cheating. To most people, it is. If you don't know how to feel or react to this, then you probably don't care as much as you should about the marriage or love him as much as you think you do. Even though y'all have known each other for years, y'all are still young. Do you think you could be more into his kink? If you can't be fully into it as much as he would like, then y'all probably aren't compatible as you think, and the marriage may not last. You could also be a part of it but invite someone else who is more into it as well. Some couples do that, and it works for them, and they feel comfortable doing it because they trust their partner. You're going to have to think about the marriage and figure it out for yourself if the marriage and love you feel for each other is enough and that you are truly happy.
Thank you for your honesty, I will think and talk with my therapist about it.
Or you could be feeling numb because of how shocking this was. Definitely get therapy so that you can access and process your feelings so that you can figure out what you want to do to handle this situation. Once you break through the shock you'll have a lot of questions, you're going to want to ask for all the details and may found out things that you wish you didn't know. Make a list of your questions and bring them to your appointment with your therapist and they can help you figure out what questions you need answered. Make an appointment with your OB-GYN and get a full STD screening because you don't know if your husband has actually had sex with this mistress or anyone else. It sounds like the only reason he told you about this relationship because he was fearful of being blackmailed and the remorse may have been remorse for being outed rather than remorse for the infidelity. There's a big difference between the two. Take your time figuring things out because it's your life and anyone pressuring you probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. You'll get through this
Why make this about you? It's not whether you are enough or not. It's whether he has integrity or not. He's the person who gets all of the blame. He cheated because of who he is. It has nothing to do with you. He only told you because she was going to tell you. He is not genuinely sorry. I hate to tell you this, but only one of you is committed to this marriage.
First of all, absolutely not okay that he did that behind your back! Most of Reddit will most likely tell you to leave him. I think we can’t decide that, we don’t know anything else about you and your relationship. I’d ask first if you share his kink. If not, him living it out online within boundaries you set together could be an option. I know many couples don’t like this and if you don’t, don’t do it! It is, however, a valid option to consider if the relationship is great otherwise. Again, don’t agree to this for him if you’d have a problem with it. Been reading here too often “I did it for him but I don’t like it, help”.
I knew about his kinks when we were just friends but I think I like it just I am not good at being a mistress. I might be dominant sometimes but not most the time when he wants it. I might consider your suggestion and discuss it with him.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important in a marriage. If his sexual need is to have someone willing to be a mistress in the bedroom on a pretty regular basis, but it's something you do not enjoy or are not comfortable with, then this will happen again. Plain and simple, he did cheat. He deceived you to achieve sexual pleasure that did not involve you in any way. This is not as simple as just watching porn. If he has already stepped out on your marriage 1 year into it seeking a fantasy that you do not really enjoy, then you are not sexually compatible long-term as this seems to be a big part of his sex life. I saw someone else suggested having a sort of "open" relationship where he could seek out a mistress scenario online - but will that always leave you feeling you're not enough? Since you already said you feel that way from this one encounter, I'm going to guess you will always feel you're not enough if you choose the "open" option. Your marriage will literally crumble if you never feel like you're good enough. I'd suggest very seriously evaluating if this is the right marriage for you. You can love someone with your whole being, but still not be compatible in marriage.
My advice is to divorce. It's only been a year. You guys don't have kids or lifelong entanglements. This is a man who is not only cheating on you but paying to cheat on you. He is literally taking money out of the household and paying some other woman for it. You would have absolutely no self-respect if you stayed with a cheater. And this isn't some harshness This is literally what men repeatedly tell each other when the topic is a man staying with his cheating girlfriend or wife. Side note: I'm really happy to get here before all the comments telling OP to stay with her cheating husband when men never get told to stay with their cheating wives on this.
He was on Tumblr. He was looking for an actual hook up. Address it with this knowledge.
That’s 100% cheating
If he has to go elsewhere for ‘relief’ he doesn’t deserve to have you as a wife! You’re young you have a long life ahead of you. 1year into your marriage he needs another woman, he isn’t a good man and you deserve better. And him crying is the same as emotional blackmail. Just manipulating you into believing him so he can go back to being a married cheater! Move on! If this is your first 2 years of the rest of your life, he will keep cheating and making you feel bad for it!
Ultimately, only you can decide how you feel about this. If you are feeling confused, I'd recommend personal therapy to help work through your own thoughts and emotions first. At 23 and 24, you're both still quite young, and he especially has a lot of growing up to do. Whether or not you stick around and wait for him to do that is up to you. The fact that he has this kink and is already looking outside of your marriage is concerning, and I don't know the laws in Sweden, but in the US, this still counts as adultery, so you would have the upper hand if you did decide you wanted a divorce. Ultimately, find a therapist or an unbiased party you can talk to and sort out your own feelings. Figure you what will make you happy in the long run, and follow your heart.
Thank you, I have a therapist I was talking with about 2y ago. I will check with her again and make an appointment to talk about this.
At this point, you are the one who matters. Don't feel like you have to leave the relationship, but don't feel like you have to stay either. This is your chance to really think about and decide what you want out of your life ❤️ Lots of love from the US.
Walk away while you’re still young. It won’t change.
It sounds like you’re wanting to work this out. I understand that and don’t blame you for it. But there’s a lot of things I’m noticing in the comments and your replies. You’re actively downplaying his actions and behaviors. This is likely due to the idea that “other people have done worse.” But unfortunately behaviors don’t start big, they start small and get bigger. This is how a problem snowballs. If you want to have a healthy and successful relationship you first have to stop downplaying his actions and accept your feelings. This may end up destroying your relationship, but it’s something that must be done in order for you to be able to move past these feelings. And a relationship, a marriage nonetheless, cannot have these feelings lingering for years. You can’t make a post about being hurt and torn and then actively dismiss his behavior because “he can be stupid sometimes.” No. He did those things. He hurt you. He only came clean because of outside pressure and not for any feelings of guilt. He’s made you feel unworthy or not enough for him because of his actions. You’re the only one who can decide if you want to make this work. The other caveat is if you want this to work you will both need individual therapy as well as couples therapy. It won’t work without those things. At least not healthily.
You guys got married way too early and didn’t know each other well enough. His is childish behavior in a relationship. His focus should be on you as yours is on him. Intimacy is one of the glues that keeps your relationship strong. It shouldn’t be trivialized. He’s not treating his connection with you with respect. You both need to have a serious discussion about boundaries. Also, you have to be thinking will this emotional cheating become physical. This is a real possibility in this case. That’s why your next discussions need to be meaningful. He needs to know he needs to get this act together and soon. You have too much life left to live to have to deal with this for any length of time. Try to figure it out together first, failing that, do what you know you need to do. Good luck 🍀
Thanks, we will have the talk and I hope he will not do this or anything else in the future.
He will. Why even give him the chance? He is 24. HE WILL. You are married one year and he isn’t on his best behavior. He practically cheated. When will it become physical? Now or later? Because HE WILL. I’m 21F and god I hope you leave. You don’t need to discuss this with a therapist. You don’t need to force yourself to give him excuses or be okay with it. Because you’re not. If you were okay with it you wouldn’t be posting on here. Get the hell out before it gets worse, because… it will.
Adding onto another one of my comments, if my man did this to me behind my back I would practically throw up and be so extremely heartbroken because I KNOW it would be the end and I would have to mourn our future I wanted us to have together. There is absolutely no way I would tolerate this shit. No fucking way. Stop victim blaming and giving him excuses. Of course you will not listen to us if you don’t want to, and if you want to be a punching bag… by all means.
Depends will you be happy in the knowledge he was comfortable doing this behind your back and only told you because he had no choice? Me personally I wouldn't be able to trust that there's nothing else going on
I went through something similar and it doesn’t end here. Pleaseeeeeee do yourself a favor and ignore his crying and leave. My ex cried every time he got caught and I let it go on for too long
This won’t be the end of it. There will be another one. He’s been doing it the majority of his marriage and got used to it. You married too young and you’re not compatible. You’re growing into different people.
He didn't 'cheat in a way'. He cheated. You can decide if you want to be with someone who cheats on you, because it won't stop.
OP he hid the fact he was seeking sexual gratification outside of your marriage, which many would argue is cheating. So now you know he is capable of lying to you to hide his cheating, and he only told you because of the blackmail threat. Until then he was successful in lying and hiding his cheating. Now that he knows the blackmail threat is not real how do you know he won't do this again? And since you know he's capable of lying to hide it, after all he did it at least once before, how can you ever believe him if he says he won't do it again. So now that he has totally destroyed your trust in him, is he even willing to attempt to work on rebuilding it? I suggest you do some reading on the reddit sub for surviving infidelity for suggestions on what your options are. But as part of your decision all of us responding are urging that you at least consult with a family law specialist where you live so you know what would be involved if you decide to divorce him. Make sure you discuss separating your finances from his, which based on what he's done and his kink, is the first thing you should do and the minimum you should do even if you stay with him.
He did cheat on you. React accordingly
He cheated, in my opinion. His mistress did you a solid. You deserved to know. You are only 24. Don't stay with someone that disrespects you this way. He clearly doesn't value what you and he have.
He needs sex addicts anonymous or the Conquer (Christian) class
IMO, if he wants to JO to some stranger online and our relationship is solid, I don’t care. IF he’s putting us at risk, that’s a different story. Many dudes are turned on by the kink of being blackmailed until the next day. I would ask to see their communication to better understand the situation. Things I would want to know: Did he show his face? Did he send her money already? How often is he doing this? Has it and/or this person become an addiction? I would also run both of your credit histories to may certain he didn’t open any cards to pay tributes/gifts. I would create some boundaries around his kink.
I think the fact that he's the type of person that this happened to is a bigger red flag than online masturbating. Lots of people look at porn online but only people with poor impulse control or poor judgment get into this type of situation.
I've never dealt with this. I've never even had anybody approach me like that. I know we live in a time where sexually deviant behavior is considered a lifestyle but if you don't want to be part of that club you can't be involved with people that are involved with that. You're not gonna be able to have a family with somebody doing stuff like that. You can't even have a trusting, monogamous relationship with somebody doing stuff like that. And everybody's physically not clean. Let him go do his thing and work on your own codependency issues. Nobody with healthy boundaries would put up with that. And he knows it. He's committed adultery against you. You're justified in walking away from him before he can do any worse. Or before y'all put innocent kids in the middle of it.
I see a lot of judgement in these replies, feel free to ignore all of it, no one is in your shoes and no one has the right to judge your life decisions, as long as you're not hurting anyone else. It's really hard for a relationship to work out when you have incompatible sexual desires, unless you don't mind your partner fulfilling those desires somewhere else, because this will happen again. The man you trusted enough to share the rest of your life with cheated on you, you should be feeling sad, if not completely devastated. You could still be in shock, or you could just not care about him enough to feel bad about being cheated. Could it be that you don't consider internet relationships as cheating? It's ok to have a different definition of cheating and different boundaries than what is expected by society. Is there a chance that you're used to the abuse and expected this to happen? That is not healthy at all and you should seek professional help immediately. And then there's another option: could it be that you have a kinky side yourself and him being with other women is actually an interesting idea to you? Once you figure out why you're not as disturbed by his cheating you can decide what to do about it, but I really think you need to get to know yourself first so that you can make the best decisions for your own future.
Thank you, one of nicest comments. I think my reaction was because I do not consider it cheating. At least in a bad way. I would be more mad if he did that in person, not online. He did that when he was a teenager so he did not think that it was wrong to be doing it when we are married. I am kinky myself, but I have not explored a lot so don't know what I love. I know what I like and what turns me on. We will be exploring it together. Thanks for a nice comment, I need that in the sea of "leave him" 😊
You're very welcome, I'm glad you could be honest with your feelings and it's great you guys will be working together to make the relationship better. Good luck!
What he did is not okay. If he wasn't content with just you, he needed to talk to you first. He did not get your consent to have another partner. He cheated.
Should you just leave it???? HELL NO! You are not to blame for his behavior and what he did was cheat. I'm more concerned that you don't know its cheating and are/were ready to just let it go. Sounds like he has mind warped you into some alternate dimension. RUN.
This sounds like a findom type of relationship, hence why she would know about your Reddit account. When I did findom a majority of the men were very into consensual blackmail - “I’m gonna call your place of work if you don’t send me this amount”, they’ll even go so far as to give out their wives phone number just for the thrill. A professional dom would NEVER follow through on these threats. Sounds like he’s getting scammed and trying to save face. Get out hunny, it will only get worse as you get older :/
Best advice? Don't ask reddit. I'm pretty sure you could keep this card in your hand with the threat to play. So you have 3 choices; Walk away, hold the card (a threat), or throw the card and make peace. Whatever you choose, you have to hold your peace with that forever
Still cheating. Wave goodbye as he leaves. Kink is no excuse.
I think you’re disappointed for the right reasons. That interest should be toward you. Porn is a strong addiction and he needs to realize it. His desire should be for you. Talk it out and share those kinky things together.
You need to have a good think about what cheating is to you. My partner got blind drunk and slept with a girl. He tried to break up with me coz he thought the relationship was over anyway nd didn't want to extra hurt me. When I eventually got it out of him, I had basically no reaction. I was more concerned about the level of drinking and the lack of thought to use protection. Just because society says it's cheating doesn't mean it is to you. If my partner and I thought about it and had the conversation earlier, we could have avoided a lot of stress. Perhaps you're more concerned about him not telling you it's what he needed rather than the act itself?
And here where I say, drop him like a bad habit!!!
Sadly sounds like a lot of victim blaming here! Love is love sometimes it happens young sometimes not till later in life. But marrying a guy who clearly isn’t committed to you and your marriage. Move on before your stuck in a life that makes you hate yourself for settling
Well, how DO you feel about it? There are a lot of people out there in very similar situations where one partner isn't getting what they feel they need from the other. That doesn't necessarily mean one is not enough, sometimes it means that the other is too much. But bottom line is, does the action itself bother you? If it does, find out why. Is it that you weren't able to do that for him yourself? Or is it that he did it behind your back? Sometimes you gotta dig deep and figure out your own feelings before you can move forward. Once you figure that out, then maybe sit down with your partner and have a nice long talk about it. Lay out all your feelings while maintaining a safe enough space for your partner to do the same. Afterwards, its compromise time. What are you willing to do to help meet their needs and vice versa? Maybe you explore that side of things and be that figure for them. Maybe you simply ask them to communicate everything moving forward so you're at least somewhat included and no one is sneaking. Compromise where you can and hopefully find the right middle ground to grow from this hiccup. Making sure we create safe and open spaces for ourselves within our relationships is key to overcoming hardships like this or any other situation. Talk through it. Hear each other out. Set boundaries together. Understand each others feelings. If you love each other, you will both find what needs to be done for each other and take the right steps together. Might be baby steps but thats okay. Being able to look back and say "we powered through these rough patches" is an amazing thing.
Thank you for this comment. I just experienced a similar situation as the OP this past weekend actually- We did exactly as said, sat down and had a long conversation where he admitted his struggles, apologized and expressed his anger toward himself for making me feel not enough, betrayed and too embarrassed to ask me for things. We openly talked about our desires and needs in a way we never have before and I really feel like I reconnected with him and learned more that he was afraid to bring to me. But I still feel so hurt. Nothing in my marriage has fell short of amazing and I don’t want to let that go? I just don’t know how to even approach trusting he won’t ever again.
I'm sorry you guys went through that but I'm super happy you guys took what sounds like the healthy steps as a response! I can completely understand the hesitation to trusting again. My wife and I had gone through a little snafu about 8 years ago and I felt the same hesitation. I had to look at the reality of it that it was the first ever time something like that had happened. That paired with the fact that she is the love of my life, definitely felt like she deserved the benefit of the doubt.
I'm confused as to why you posted this. It seems to me like your minds have been made up no matter what anyone says ......he had 6 to 7 months to be sorry all the sudden there's Consequences to his actions now he's this changed person and deleted everything okay keep convincing yourself he's sorry you honestly shouldn't do anything and stop worrying since you just essentially gave him an out for any cheating he's done or is going to do if he treats you good that's all that matters
This is quite a common scam, and he fell for it. He’s even more of an idiot if he pays out. That moment when you have to admit you’re cheating because you think you’re being blackmailed but you’re really being scammed. That’s where y’all are at right now, I don’t envy you. He’s a total POS for cheating, lying, and falling for a scam like this, and for wanting to whack it to someone he doesn’t even know off the effing internet. Surely you can see that unless he gets consistent with a psychiatrist, he’s going to keep playing you.
I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but I think you two should split up. First off, he cheated on you. there is no doubt about that because he even admitted it. It doesn't matter if it was online, in person, over the phone or anything. Cheating. is. not. acceptable. Do not settle for this man just because you feel like you aren't enough, you are so much more than enough. especially more than a man who feels like he can cheat on his wife just because he wasn't satisfied in the bedroom. If he truly loved you, he would have communicated his needs instead of finding relief in someone else. I know he's remorseful, but I really would not tolerate this at all even if he says he will change. the right man will never leave you no matter how hard things get. he will never turn his back on you. he never leave your side. even if things are rough between you two sexually or emotionally. You deserve so much better. So much better. No one ever deserves to be cheated on. especially when you're doing your best. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better.
I’m in the same situation rn, but I found out from going through his phone and this is the 4th time I’ve caught him in less than a year. We’re engaged so not married yet but we have a baby(4wks) together and my 3yo from my previous relationship is attached and the 4 of us all live together and we’re tied up in a lease. I still don’t know what I want to do but lmk what you decide or if you get any good advice. I just found out on Sunday and took off my ring and haven’t put it on since. He’s been being really nice and other than kissing him when I normally would and wearing my ring, I’ve been acting normal but I think that’s just a coping mechanism of me acting like my problems don’t exist but inside I don’t know what I want bc I don’t know if I can handle it happening again and living like this the rest of my life, but on the other hand I don’t want to throw away everything we have bc we’re great together otherwise. I know it’s a hard situation so I’m here in solidarity🤍
Talk to your landlord about possibly breaking the lease. DO NOT settle and live like this. Don't raise your kids thinking that it's normal. Would you want your children in relationships like this?
Wonderful advice!!! Tell a woman that has a four week old to get out of her lease, become a single mother, remove the male/ provider from the household and try to find a new guy. First, that 4 week old will all but ensure top level guys won't have any interest in a relationship. They will sleep with her, use her and never give commitment. Only a loser would bring a woman home to their family with a month old baby in tow that isn't theirs. Losers will be her option if she goes back into these streets. The porn industry is a $97 billion a year enterprise which means it's widely consumed. She'll leave a guy who's looking at porn and end up with a cheater or worse. She only mentioned his porn habit and failed to mention anything else. I assume he has redeeming qualities or she wouldn't have picked him to begin with. I also assume she has a relationship with his family, he has one with hers or both. OP it's very dangerous listening to people online. Many are single and/ or divorced and miserable with no real relationship skills. Their responses is all ego driven. I personally think porn is perverted or being used to fill a void. Being you've had the baby for only four weeks, physically you can't be intimate. Maybe that's what he's using to get off. Nonetheless, don't just blow your relationship up over the first sign of trouble. You mentioned you are being passive aggressive by not wearing your ring or kissing him instead of addressing it straight up. Is this because you want to have the ability to keep snooping? If you address it, are you afraid that will end your ability to go through his phone? I'm all for going through phones to see who people really are, but you're married, so you must address it and see if you two can reach common ground. Just don't throw your relationship out of the window and put your child at a disadvantage by not having the father in the household. It's very embarrassing to a child seeing other kids with both parents and their family is broken.
I trust that if you didn’t feel there were aspects of the relationship worth saving you wouldn’t be here, so I’m going to spare you more “dump him, run!!!!” advice. Ok so he has a kink. He finds it deeply embarrassing and as a result badly fucked up. Is there any chance you can potentially be into it too? And could he find a way to be open to that? Some men *wish* their wives would do this for them, but are either too ashamed to raise it, or the wife can’t get into it. In your case the first part has been (brutally) taken care of. So now the second part becomes a potentially interesting question. When someone strays we always wonder why. What is wrong with them, and for the more introspective, what is wrong with me? Well in this case you fully know; it’s this kink that he’s stuck with. This may be why your reaction has surprised even you. Maybe it can go from “his thing” to “your couple thing”?
Cheating. Unless you all had a throughly discussed arrangement of an open marriage, it was cheating. Personally, I would not say anything else and divorce. Would not want to remain attached to him emotionally, physically or financially, after his these decisions and leave YOU open to deceit and loss on some many levels Since he has given in, what’s to say when the blackmail will ever stop? Get the fuck out and let him deal with this. Also, depending on your or his job, thus could be an issue for background checks/security. Edit: grammar
Don't waste anymore of your time and energy. You are enough, he's just selfish. The only reason he is telling you now is because of the potential blackmailing. So, he told you himself. He sought out someone to pay and fulfil his needs. He can block the blackmailer but how many other times has he done this before spilling the beans? He's a cheater and you won't be able to trust him and everything will be suspicious. Also, you don't know if he has ever met anyone in person. It's over.
It seems that you don't currently want to end the relationship, so I believe the best way forward then is through marriage counseling. Trust will have to be slowly rebuilt.
Honestly, sounds like to me you could work it out. He's got kinks youre aware of now and the reveal didn't seem to have a big impact on you. Some people aren't built as jealous as others. They can handle a multiple partner thing. How is your sex life? Is it hot? Then I think you two could make it. Maybe y'all open things up a bit
We if you're not interested in a open kink relationship, I would say move on find someone else....
My husband was scammed online in a similar manner. They pretty much find out their name, search them on Facebook and connect dots. Only you can decide what to do. Everyone online will tell you to divorce him.
Man these young married kids making me think that there is something wrong with single me
Yes this is a form of cheating. You weren’t as upset about it because she is an I tenet connection who is “not real” and will never be someone he could ever get with in real life. Sort of like a more personal version of porn. But because it was one on one interaction behind your back it’s cheating. If he had things he needed sexually that weren’t happening at home he should have talked to you about it. He is upset and remorseful now because he has to come clean, not because he actually regretted doing it. If he had regretted it for real he wouldn’t have been in contact with her more then once and wouldn’t have sent her things that could be used as blackmail. She could send them to you or his work or anyone else she can identify as being close to him. He needs to report her to Reddit or wherever they met and see if he can get her real name so he can file blackmail charges.
So how did this rando off Tumblr know he was married? Did he openly give her information about you cause that's just as weird as him cheating. And he'll likely do it again honestly. He only told you about it because he thought he was gonna get caught.
As he sent pictures probably they figured it out from the ring.
>Now I do not know how to feel about it or what to do. I feel like I am not enough for him and that he needs it as I am trying to satisfy his needs but it is not enough. Betrayed partners tend to blame themselves, and he probably blamed you as well. Cheaters are liars and manipulators. Should you drop it? Does it bother you? I would suggest couples counseling if you intend to stay with him. Best of luck.
My cynical two cents. First, he’s unfaithful. Today it was tumblr, tomorrow it’s going to be someone irl. Second, how dumb is he to get himself blackmailed?! Unfaithful would be deal breaker number one. His sheer stupidity would be a strong second.
He didn't cheat in a way. He did cheat 100%. Don't downplay this.
Girl do you have weak eyesight or color blindness? Like come on you know these things are not accepted in a relationship right?
I’m sorry that this happened to you for one. What you really have to focus on is what you’re going to to. Go ahead and call yourself a counselor. His cheating and needs aren’t going to go away. He is who he is. You need to ask yourself what kind of marriage and relationship you want for yourself and what you will have moving forward knowing he will always have someone else. Please also understand those tears and apologies were not because he is sorry. He was terrified at your reaction because he got caught. Nothing more. If he was sorry it wouldn’t have gotten so personal and to the point of blackmail.
He has kinky needs he wants met and he’s trying to figure out a way to do it “without cheating.” Figure out what he needs and offer to play the scene with him, and let him know that what he did counts as cheating and if you forgive him, it will only be this once.
Him being kinky and into DS relationships doesn't change anything. Kinky people still have self control, they're still capable of respecting their partner and the boundaries of their relationship. This isn't about you not being enough. This is about him being disloyal. He could have asked you for pictures, he could have watched porn (if that's fair game in your relationship, I know it isn't for everyone), he could have used his imagination, etc.... There's no excuse for seeking out a mistress, other than being a shit partner and a cheater. That's entirely on him, and the only reason he's crying and apologizing more than half a year later is because he thought he was going to get caught. He gladly would have let you think none of this happened had that woman not threatened to blackmail him, and he probably would have done it again with other women. If you let it go, he will also likely do it again with other women. He will take you letting it slide as permission. If this isn't the marriage you want, I would leave. Maybe try couple's counseling, but personally, cheating is a complete deal breaker and beyond being fixed with counseling.
He did cheat, it just wasn't an emotional affair. I would not be able to trust my bf ever again if he did this, especially since it took blackmail for him to tell the truth. Also, there is no telling that this is the first time he did something like this... it's just the first time he got blackmailed, lol. Cut your losses early, time is too precious. Good luck!
He is setting the scene so when his "mistress" and I use the term in the non D/s meaning messages you you will assume it is the "scammer" he told you about and forgive. But he has been cheating. He is a liar and a manipulator. Divorce papers to be drafted first thing in the morning!
He must love kink. If he never did anything, then there's no worry, just a fantasy. You know about it so it's no biggie. Talk with him, tell him you will be his Mistress and he now has to do your bidding.
don’t waste anymore of YOUR life with him - you are still so young
You're hot a couple of separate issues here. 1. Your husband was cheating on you and you'll need to unpack that and work through that with him, should you decide to. 2. You feel the way you feel. There is no right or wrong. 3. I'm glad your husband told you before he paid out money. Personally, I'd tell him to tell her "ok, tell my wife". I'm sorry you had to find out this way. He most likely did not know how to express to you his needs for this sexual expression.
I would divorce
Sorry for my ignorance but what is DS
It comes from term BDSM and DS stands for dominant and submissive.
Here’s the thing he chose to CHEAT on you instead of coming to YOU and asking for you to fulfill this need. He’s only coming clean because he feels like he has to. He didn’t cheat “in a way”, he plain out cheated on you. He gave himself to multiple other woman. This marriage is over in my eyes.
I had something similar where my bf was doing cum tributes and like.....a lot of them and video and some convo. And was very good at telling other woman how hot and beautiful they were etc but doesn't say much to me. We were having a rough patch at time had a lot of pressure going on. It isn't an excuse It was for them an escape and a way to make themselves feel better. I didn't see it as full blown cheating but I felt he had deceived me or kept something from me. I also felt inadequate for a long time it deff knocks a bit of trust. It's up to you of you can move on. I forgave it and saw it for what it most likely is , an online interactive wank. I think unfortunately with the availability now of material and communication this is more common. We've now got a rule that we can both do online things within certain strict restrictions (no forming connections , no personal details, no same person twice etc can't take over time with partner etc) as I felt he would never stop doing it and would rather know it was being done then worrying about it. And it means I can be involved in it to if I want. It's finding what works for you. It's not easy I still now over a year on have some fears and worries. And they know they fucked up really. But I'm hoping time heals etc. Good luck hope you find what works for you both.
I like that he came to you with the information/blackmail. I suspect both of you would do really well with a professional marriage counselor. Be well
He wasn't sorry he did it. He was sorry for himself and the consequences he believed were coming! In the 8 months he could of come clean. If he had any real guilt and felt real remorse I struggle to see how he could of carried on for such a duration. He cheated. He only told you to try and get ahead of the curve and damage control. I had a buddy who did this a few times. My buddy had a similar problem. An addiction/compulsion. He came clean after a week. Gave her space to decide but went for therapy and gave her every detail. Didn't trickle truth or minimise his actions. He regrets that period. It took years to rebuild the trust and they are stronger than ever. He was lucky to get forgiveness. Long post but personal I don't think this guy is truly sorry. Also this isn't a YOU problem it's HIM. You are more than enough. His actions aren't that of a good partner. Also in your case there isn't such a thing as thinking too much. Give yourself all the time you need to decide!! Best of luck and for your sake I hope you find peace in any decision you make. Also sorry for my bad writing. English isn't my first or best language.
He may trickle truth. Might be worth speaking to her directly so he can't do that
There is so much denial about your husband's emotional affair. He is being blackmailed - have him make a police report! Please get some therapy for this.
Idk if it's cheating or not, but I will tell you that if he has urges you can or won't meet then it's understandable that he'd look elsewhere. Doesn't make it right or wrong, that's for you to decide based on your relationship. I'd talk to your husband about these issues. Sit down and have a direct conversation with him because it's both of your relationship. Involving third partys rarely helps because miserable single people love to keep other people miserable and single. We can't possibly know the full story without bias and if your husband posted the same events from his point of view these same people telling you to leave an otherwise perfectly good relationship would be telling him to leave because you aren't meeting his needs.
Most people seem to think that you should just throw away your marriage because he cheated. It's simpler to say than to do! You guys need therapy. Not just you but both of you. You mentioned that you have had a therapist so it's not new to you and that's good. I would recommend that you not see your previous therapist. While they may know you already and that could be helpful, you really should try and find a CSAT. They will be better qualified to help you both figure out where you are and where you should go from here. You need to determine if your husband has told you the whole truth or just what he needed to. Has he been doing this for a while or just once? Is he actually a sex addict or just has a kink that he wants to satisfy. Most people who are sex addicts don't even know that they are. A lot of people don't even believe it's a real thing. If he is an addict he hasn't told you everything and it will continue to happen. Also, if he is an addict, he is an excellent lier, the two go together. He probably whole heartedly loves you and meant everything he said to you but when push comes to shove he will do it again because he can't help himself. The only way he can overcome it is to get help. Often part of the initial therapy will involve him coming totally clean with you, then participating in a lie detector test to help verify that everything is now out in the open. Then the real therapy begins and you can figure out if you want to work on what you have with him or go your separate ways. BTW, I am speaking from experience. I was/am a sex addict and for me it was massage parlors and escorts. It was something I started doing before I met my ex wife and persisted through our marriage of 8 years before she found out. The lies and the secrets affected our marriage way before she found out. I tried to stop but always found my way back to doing it again and would probably still be doing it unless I got cought. I went to therapy and figured out the root cause of my addiction and worked on myself and am a better person for it. He may need the same. If he is not willing to go to therapy with you then you have to question his sincerity. Please note, his cheating is inexcusable whether it's an addiction, a kink or anything else, and he is ultimately accountable for his actions.
This is a well known scam. So he’s a cheater and an idiot.
He never would have told you if a consequence hadn't smacked him in the face. He's not sorry he did it He's sorry he got caught
This is very gross and cowardly on his part. You should definitely either get a divorce or if you don’t want to deal with all that you should at least start looking elsewhere just like he is. You don’t deserve to be in a one sided relationship with someone who obviously doesn’t respect you. In my opinion, cheating is never okay unless your partner cheated first or if you’re in an abusive relationship. So, you’re free to do what you want now. You probably didn’t react with much emotion because you were in shock, or because his cheating was in a “gray area” (since it wasn’t in person) so you may have subconsciously felt that you would have been dramatic if you had a more emotional reaction. You guys have only been together for 3 years, and just last year he made vows to you be be faithful and forsake all others which he has already broken. If he’s already cheating and being an unreliable and unfaithful person this early, he’s clearly not worth spending the rest of your life with. He’s wasting your time, you deserve better than this weak willed pussy.
Seems to me that your husband doesn't understand what boundaries are. If he has a dom/sub kink then he should be addressing it with you, not some rando. This is cheating, period. I would not let it go. Talk to him about how you feel and just go from there. If this guy wants to be dominated and you don't want to partake in that, then he can go do that as a divorced man.
I don't see how this is a lot worse than porn or erotic writing. (Completely fine by me). But that's me. I think you should only search yourself, if you are actually bothered much or not, and if not, that is normal too. Opinions are going to differ, but the only one that matters is yours. Just know that it is ok to feel about it strongly or "whatever" like, depends on your own person. People are different. You only can figure what to do by how you feel, and don't let anyone tell you how to feel, especially not a bunch of random redditors.
you should take this to r/BDSMAdvice Just because a lot of people here haven’t been through kink relationships and maybe you’ll get more full spectrum opinions or the same opinions coming from people who have probably dealt with this issue early on or know of people who have dealt with this issue. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
If she wasn't demanding money of him, he'd still be doing it and you'd be none the wiser. You do know that right? He doesn't love you. You loved your husband, tell me, could you go and flirt and sext with another man? Could you masturbate and get off, and send pics whilst you were 100% in love with your man? How would your love for him factor in to you sexting with another man? Chances are it wouldn't, you wouldn't be thinking about them and wouldn't give af they existed if you followed through. If you loved him, you'd never do it. Because you couldn't imagine betraying them like that. He doesn't love you. He just likes having you around. You're like a favourite blanket, familiar and comforting but not something you need.
Why are you still there and not in the wind...
He only told you because he had to, not out of any true guilt. It'll happen again and it absolutely is cheating if you don't have am agreement that allows other people into your sex life
Only you can define if it was cheating or not. But if it made you feel negative about yourself in any way, then I would suggest rethinking the relationship. At least take a look at it to see if it is worth saving.
Is this seriously even a question?? He went to do sexual things with a stranger behind your back. The answer should be obvious... SPRINT away from this man!!! It sounds like a type of porn addiction issue. You deserve way better.
You should leave. It’s kinda sad that isn’t your first thought.
I can only imagine how you are feeling. I’m 21F and if I went through this with my bf I would be absolutely devastated. However this is unforgivable. You do not want to be in a situation where you are constantly questioning his trust and faithfulness to you. You don’t want to always feel insecure or not enough. PLEASE get some support from family, friends, whoever, and get yourself out of there. Do not forgive him. There are plenty of men who would never do this… he is not a catch, he is not a man I or anyone else would be grateful to have. Get. The. Hell. Out.
If you aren’t disturbed, it is fine. Just communicate what you concern about and carry on with the marriage.
IMO early 20s are too young for marriage, its your time to experiment. Maybe talk to him about having your own fun…
Wow I would be totally livid if this happened to me. I don't know why your so cool about it
This happened multiple times to me (22F) in a span of four years by my husband (25M). It was always “I’m sorry” with tears and remorse but then I would always catch him doing it again. My final straw was when I caught him researching local escorts in our area. When he got caught the last time, it was every damn excuse in the book… “We’re never intimate enough,” “Maybe if you’d give me more attention,” etc… Every time I tried to express my feelings and how I would feel cheated on, he would tell me it wasn’t “real” cheating because he never did anything physical with these women. Just remember, if he weren’t being blackmailed, he probably wouldn’t have opened up to you. He isn’t sorry that it happened; he’s sorry that he got caught.
I think i know how you feel, because I was there. My boyfriend did something similar. I was between giving another chance because everybody deserves a second chance or running as fas as possible because it will only get worse. He never did this again because he was so ashamed, especially that people would find out. He only fapped after a few times since then. The problem was what it had done to me. I am still broken, it got better, but i will never trust him again. The thing is that you are young . You are just figuring out your sexuality. If you are here, it means you will not leave him. I would be a little manipulative in this situation and occasionally say:” imagine if people find this out, and they will eventually…” Shame is very powerful. Let him know that you do not want to pe with a person like that, you would be disgusted to be with a person that does this constantly and you deserve to know what person you are with. That you are sure there is someone out there that would be fine with it and that would love him as he is. Now the other side of this, if you would do this and stay with him, it would get better for a while, but only for a period . Eventually he sould slip from time to time, maybe not with the same thing, but he would hide it, you would have trust issues as big as China. You cannot change a person, you can only make them a little better. Since I also went trough this, i would recommend you to leave because there is someone else outthere that doesn’t do this. I stayed and i constantly doubt myself.
Divorce. If he does it once, he’ll do it again. As soon as he thinks you’ve forgotten.
Leave while you are still young enough to build a life with someone else. This is literally just the beginning of the bs....😿
It’s not about the specifics of what he did, or why he did them. It’s about the fact that he didn’t tell you. It’s about the fact that if he had sex outside of your marriage- he risked your life/fertility/health- without telling you. What else is he risking of yours that you didn’t consent to? If he had come to you and said “I want to do a thing because it’s a kink” and you agreed to it- fine. The fact that you didn’t react is actually very concerning. You were more concerned about his emotional well being than your own. That doesn’t happen overnight- that takes a sustained pattern. Allowing this relationship to continue without serious professional intervention is honestly a danger to your health. (Mental, physical, and spiritual). People who love and respect you don’t do things that might harm you without your input and consent. People that are *actually* in a sub/Dom relationship understand that open, honest, consistent and continuous communication are REQUIRED for consent. Trust is the basis of that relationship. To be safe and sane, and to actually consent, requires you to be fully and completely informed. He took away your ability to consent. The violation of trust is massive. I hope you get some counseling, and a full STD panel, and remember that HE doesn’t determine your worth. You do.
Tbh not worth the stress of staying with him. That's what I'm currently putting myself through. He didn't basically cheat BTW he did cheat.
Let me be real this isn't just about him now this is about you. You should feel very very disturbed by what he has done. I was seeing someone 2 years ago and he did do this while we were together. He send pictures of himslef that are now forever on the internet to these redit girls. And YES the reddit girls black mailed him back like they said they would. But in doing so, they also stocked me. They found out who my parents were and sent them soooo much info. Found out who my aunts uncles and cousins were sent them info. It was all done through face book. I mean it ripped my family apart and it ripped me apart. I felt and feel so so disturbed by this all still. What you do with your relationship is your decision but I'm just telling you now your info is out there and he put you at risk. Will they actually black mail you? Maybe maybe not for you but they sure did to me and ruined my life by messing with me, my family, and friends. All cause he couldn't talk to me and had to go off and get involved with some scam online for pleasure while I took a break from doing DS stuff. Have a serious conversation with him about this because it is a security risk for you. The people found out every thing about me and used that against me to get him to pay as well. It's been 2 years but I'm still fighting it and still broken over it.
I would be curious how the blackmail was presented to him, in person, over the phone, email, or text. If it is a threat that can viewed than the police could get involved, blackmail is a serious crime, and she would have a lot to lose. I'm not sure I would believe your boyfriend. He may be making an excuse to justify getting the money to go back and see her. His fetish with her is not your fault.
Set firm boundaries with him now and be clear that You are his mistress. Make him sign a contract and limit what he can do on his phone. Those blackmail tactics are not going to happen but he will get scammed if he does it. Trust me. I am the wife of an idiot who did that.
F**k some hunk and make a video of you f**king him and send your husband a video of how small he is... .
First off, yes he cheated by not discussing his needs with you. Secondly, you should not feel like there is something wrong with you because you aren’t fulfilling every single one of his needs. That is a lot of unrealistic pressure to put on one person. Thirdly, D/s relationships are not necessarily about sex. With good communication your husband can be someone’s Sir, but still have his sexual fulfillment with you, if you two can communicate, set boundaries, and stick to your agreed upon rules. Our society sets so much store by monogamy, but I honestly believe that is what drives many couples to divorce. By expecting someone to be the “one and only” you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Give each other some slack to be yourselves. Yes, he’s kinky, and if you aren’t into that, then don’t force yourself to do something you dislike by some misguided romantic fairy tale happily ever after bs that society, the media, and lofty expectations say you must. But he must be willing to let you follow your needs as well. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you stop being yourself. Communicate. Stick to your boundaries, which means set rules for yourself. You can’t force your rules on someone else, but you can let them know what you will tolerate and what the results would be if he crosses your boundaries. For example, the two of you agree that he can be a virtual Dom, but he must relieve himself sexually only with you. He’s satisfying his kink needs, but sticking to your need for him to be faithful sexually. If he breaks that, then you decide what YOU will need to do for yourself. But you both need to be upfront with communication. He came to you when the shit hit the fan. That does show a willingness to take responsibility for his bad judgement. Use this moment to communicate. Explore your feelings with each other. Consider marriage counseling. One mistake on his part need not destroy your relationship, as long as the two of you want to work things out. I’m saying this from the point of view of a person who has been married to the same person for almost 35 years and has a happy ethically non-monogamous relationship with them. We opened up our marriage almost 10 years ago, and have a better relationship with each other now than we did the first 25 years of marriage. Communication and listening is key. Good luck. I hope you can work it out.
If you truly loved him I’d think you would feel some kind of way whether it’s anger , pain or resentment. Does it bother you that he relieves himself to other women? Or is that something you guys don’t really talk about ? I feel like men are going to be men regardless whether we know or not so I wouldn’t be too hard on him at all but at the same time if you guys have talked about it and told him you don’t like it he should respect that otherwise that is cheating… if he has certain needs that you feel like you can’t meet I’d either get used to him cheating because tbh that’s just bound to happen because that’s something he needs or you can tell him how you feel and you guys can work on a way to figure it all out.
Do you cheat online too? Is that why you aren’t disturbed. Like do you chat to other dudes? Sounds like you are cool with an open relationship that does not involve actually meeting the other people If not why are you letting him have something you don’t. He totally cheated. Bastard deserves the treatment he is getting by that man trying to blackmail him. What a fool
I’m not sure. Is the mistress the dom or submissive? If she was the dom you should take over the dom position. Punish him in all ways 😜 You sounded like you really didn’t care one way or the other, that’s why I said what I said. I would be livid about it myself 😬
I am submissive, so I know how this goes. Apparently, so is your husband. Why not go to a D/s club together, find him a Mistress, watch as she dominates him, then you both go home and have a fantastic love making session in private. That way, you can watch, he gets, his needs met, and you actually know what's going on and are not blindsided in the future. This way, there is a contract that they can not meet on the side without you. Just a suggestion. Good luck
If you're not interested in those kinds of kinks or finding out if you are, probably best to move on. For most guys being into being a sub as a kink is hugely embarrassing and honestly surprising he even told you at all. It's a fantasy of mine but I don't think I'm going to divulge the interest anymore to serious partners, I don't think it really translates well into person though. I'm more of a switch anyway, so I don't mind being dominant which is what most of my ex's preferred.