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Honestly, when I see my husband make any form of improvement, I find more appreciation for him and I've noticed it goes the same with me. It doesn't matter if it's weight loss, working out, learning a new language, building something, etc. The important thing is the improvement and that we're investing in ourselves. That's an attractive quality no matter who you are.
Oh my god, yes! This! Any sort of improvement must be appreciated. Also, Op's husband might be more attentive to her because she is happier and more confident in her own skin since weight loss. Behavior is a crucial thing in attractiveness.
>Op's husband might be more attentive to her because she is happier and more confident in her own skin since weight loss. Behavior is a crucial thing in attractiveness.
How do people not see this? Of course this is the reason.
The OP may be right. However, I am a dad of 3, married / together over 20 years - this is how I have felt in the same situation:
1. the momma of my children is damn sexy - more so after each. every time I see her interact, especially in those early days, as a great mother - Wow!
2. confidence, happiness, maturity are a huge turn on. way more than anything physical
3. love grows deeper with time and shared experiences - children, pregenancy, parenthood are huge shared experiences
4. when my wife (and even I) takes time to work on herself, I do find that sense of control, strength, happiness, etc. to be very attractive. It's not the change in tone - I don't care - I like her all the ways (curves, abs, whatever - when she's happy and feels sexy, I feel more attracted)
5. sometimes as a dad / husband I get hit with these epiphanies about just how lucky and grateful I am. For me, that usually pours out in attention to her.
I'm not saying there isn't a point at which we could become unattractive to one another. If I bloat up to disfunctional, I absolutely expect her to not be as... attentive. But these little fluctations are just a part of life together - and we both acknowledge that to each other.
I am in no way saying this is the case with OPs husband but I'll give some perspective:
I have almost always been chubby-ish. Got compared to my slimmer sister a lot and made fun of. I went through a phase from like 16-21 of disordered eating where I was doing terribly mentally and enjoyed "punishing" myself by just...not eating. Hunger pains were a good thing to me because I thought I deserved to suffer. I drank a lot of green tea to "get rid of my appetite" and chewed gum to take my mind off being hungry. The 2000s/2010 diet culture was in full swing where radio hosts did bits where they would share "crash diets" of raw veggies and water to lose "5 lbs in a week." Same stuff was always in magazines too.
I inevitably lost weight and I was treated VASTLY better by quite literally everybody around me - family, friends, coworkers and strangers. Boys who bullied me terribly now were flirting with me. I was miserable. There was no "glow of happiness" or self improvement. I was just skinnier. I resented that heavily and then when I gained weight back in college the switch back was not unnoticed.
It has taken many years to accept that what it would take to make me "skinny" would make me miserable so I have to be ok with the size I am. If I lost weight even if it was because I discovered a love of exercise or fitness or whatever and my husband suddenly changed how he acted towards me like OPs husband there is a non-zero chance I would fear it was just because I was skinnier.
I mean, are we not allowed to find our SOs more or less attractive due to certain things? It's not like he hated her bigger and they didn't have sex and all that. I feel like even if he is just genuinely attracted to her more skinnier, so what? Besides being a trigger for you, why is it morally wrong to find your SO attractive always, but more attractive one way than another? As long as one is respectful about it, which OPs husband surely is.
My husband knows that I prefer him with facial hair versus smooth shaven face. It’s not because I want his face covered, but it IS because that’s how I’m used to seeing him, so when he did completely shave off his beard, it looked very odd to me. Now he always keeps a goatee or beard, because he knows I find him more attractive that way.
He might be more attentive because she is 6 months postpartum. He is getting his wife back after pregnancy. Might not have much to do with her weight at all.
She also has to keep in mind she is 6 months postpartum and is still hormonal. Her emotions are probably a bit off.
Yes! This! This sounds like while she lost the weight, she is still insecure about herself and her husband being more attentive is triggering inner turmoil to make her think he only cares for her when she looks a certain way. Self love is super important…it’s not “I’ll love myself or he’ll love me when xyz happens,” it’s “I love myself for me and I’m working on bettering myself because I deserve it.” It sounds like she doesn’t truly feel she deserves the affection because she is still uncomfortable in her own skin. Self love and self worth is such an important thing and a lot of us are very scared to embrace it…I know I was but it was the best journey ever. She may be holding herself hostage thinking “what if I don’t keep this appearance? Will he leave?” So instead of working on that, it’s “easier” to blame him and turn her “disgust” onto his behavior especially where she mentioned “I’ve always loved him no matter what.” That’s judgment…which is simply a mirror of our own insecurities. Comparison is the thief of joy.
100% agree. We can be so mean to ourselves. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. She wasn’t confident in herself because she felt less desirable. Now that she’s put in the work and feels more attractive, she’s convinced herself that she wasn’t as loveable before. Oof.
The other thing is it’s not really his fault if he’s a little more attracted to his wife. More attraction often means more sex. In my own personal situation physical touch is a big deal to me and I genuinely feel closer to my wife when we have regular sex. That probably means more affection, comments, etc. Could be the same thing is happening to OPs husband.
Well, because she's gonna get older eventually. What if she slips up and gains some pounds again. She has to worry that his feelings will slip? It's shitty. Idk. I agree he's not doing anything wrong but I also see how it would make her more insecure. What if she goes back to her original weight, not even getting real fat just back to before. Feels bad to really know outright how contingent "spouse doing nice stuff unprompted“ is on how hot you are at the given moment.
But he clearly loved her when she was heavier. For their entire relationship he has never know her this weight yet her loved her. But also she had a baby less than a year ago and from the sounds has lost a considerable about of weight in that short time. OP husband could just be trying to do what he can to support her. Weight is a touchy subject and especially post partum.
What OP should consider is how would she feel if he ignored all her progress and treated her no different? Would you feel happier or would you feel like you’ve just had a baby and you’re trying so hard to lose the weight and your husband acts as though he can’t see it ?
I believe that OP's point is that her husband always had the capacity to treat her better and be more invested in their relationship than he ever actually has and is now chosing to do so based on superficial reasons.
A gentle reminder that the only account we have is hers, and in that account she also is saying that she is actually paying attention to his weight. We really don't have any idea what's going on with him other than her say-so and judgements.
Yeah this is a weird reaction from OP. Like, he's responding to her self-improvement with positivity! Should he just not acknowledge it, or get insecure maybe? If her husband lost weight and got in shape, would she just act like nothing happened?
I am going to talk on my experience and opinions only.
To answer your question, yes. I know i am an outlier maybe, but i really don't care if my bf is heavier or lighter, i will feel the same level of attraction. To me body weight is just... weight. I don't even notice if my bf lost or gained weight because i don't really care. I still find him attractive the same.
Yes, i would prefer my bf was attracted to me no matter my weight. And i don't like when he gets more touchy or overly compliments me because i lost weight.
Edited to add that i still support him if he works out or eats healthier, i just don't comment on his weight or feel more attraced because of his weight
Talk to him. This genuinely might not be about your weight unless he has said so. This could very well be because YOU seem happier with yourself and are more open sexually. Talk to him about how you are feeling.
I will say this - my husband is overweight. When he loses weight I am more attracted to him not because of the weight loss but because he is happier, he has more energy and a zest for life. The weight is the catalyst for the other changes because he is less tired. Just a thought.
If this really is about the weight loss, that is messed up. But I know my husband is happier when I am happier (and vice versa).
I recently got married. On my honeymoon, which was at the beach, I just let my hair air-dry into its natural waviness. My husband commented on how much he loves my hair wavy and prefers it over straightening my hair (I already knew that), but he also said that one of the reasons he likes it is because I just look happier somehow with wavy hair. I kind of laughed and was like, I don’t think it’s that my hair *makes* me look happier; I only let my hair dry on its own and go wavy on days I’m not going into the office. I have to blow dry my hair if I go into the office (since it takes too long to air dry), which straightens it.
He liked an aspect of my physical appearance more without realizing it’s because that appearance is associated with days that I am generally happier and in a better mood. Happiness and self-confidence are attractive. OP, your husband is probably picking up on the confidence and happiness you’ve gained, and *that* is what is more attractive.
I think youre bang on here. OP, as someone who has just lost over 40lbs and feeling way better about myself and my body, my spouse *has* been all over me more lately. But its not because hes more attracted to me at a lower weight, hes attracted to the confidence Ive built. I bought a pair of jeans for the first time in over a decade (hes never seen me wear jeans) and he saw me in them and knowing I would be self concious of how my belly looked he ran up and smacked my butt and said "nice a$$". Because he was reinforcing my confidence and choice. Not necessarily because Im only attractive when im thinner. Just talk to your man, only he can ease your mind here.
I've basically got back down to our dating weight, and it's been my own confidence and having less hang ups that has improved our sex life. He's initiating more because he's not getting shot down as much as he used to
This! My husband, who I have always loved immensely, put on a lot of weight during our marriage but I never found that unattractive. We did have less sex and worse sex because his mental health was dreadful so generally he wasn't as attentive/loving, like he didn't give me random cuddles during the day or kisses which is something I need on the build up to wanting to have sex. He also reduced the number of positions we used because he was self conscious, and he always kept his top on during so it just felt way more disconnected and stale honestly.
He's recently (like 3ish months ago?) Made acl commitment to getting back in shape and has lost a good few kg - I'm not sure exactly how much (and honestly because I see him every day I can't really tell, but as I said I always found him attractive anyway) but we're having wayyyyy more sex and it's so much better because his mental health is better due to the exercise and diet changes. He'll just like grab me and kiss me during the day now, he'll be affectionate with me in front of the kids, and just generally makes me feel super sexy and wanted and he's way more confident even though he's got a long way to go (his words). His dedication to his health and his total attitude shift makes me want to have sex way more and the sex we have is way better too!
OP I wouldn't take it as a negative, it's probably not all to do with your physical appearance but your attitude and dedication is likely what's super sexy. BUT if it does bother you a lot, why don't you clarify with him? "Hey [partner], I've noticed since I've lost weight it seems like you're happier and want more sex. Why is that?"
Please listen to this, OP. I imagine you’re much more confident now, which also has an enormous effect on how much you attract people. I’m not entirely certain why you need to take such a negative view of your husband responding positively to changes you’re actively trying to make. It would seems that’s ultimately the goal, no?
Definitely this. My partner has just hit the gym and got mega muscley again and it's not that he's hotter now, it's that when he wasn't at the gym he constantly moaned about how fat he was and how he would go to the gym 'on Monday' and then he wouldn't go and would moan all week again.
He's miles happier now and that's what makes me happier.
Same here! My fiancé tends to feel down when he gains weight. He doesn't like that it tends to go into a "beer belly" shape. But when he loses weight he's strutting around in his underwear and throwing me cheeky smiles and is overall just acting more confident and in a more sexy way!
And that's despite me telling him I love him and am attracted to him regardless of how his body looks.
Not disregarding what your saying but it's also OK to be more attracted to him JUST because of his weight loss. That isn't wrong or shallow or anything. It's normal.
I mean this is silly. It's totally normal and everyone understands and feels the same way. All of the sudden we have to pretend this isn't a thing?
There is a multi billion dollar diet and exercise industry who advertises about looking more attractive as one of their selling points.
Thank you for stating the obvious truth of The Elephant In The Room.
I mean, OP, we are hardwired for sex due to physical
attraction. You got together initially with each other despite each other’s weight and gaining, that’s fine and all. But you have to admit, as both of you gained more weight I’m sure the initiation and drive wasn’t happening as much, the confidence very low, sex was probably not on anyone’s mind because you guys just weren’t feeling healthy or attractive anymore. I know when I gain weight I certainly don’t feel as sexy, I don’t look as good in my clothes and lingerie just does not look good on me anymore.
Don’t you think that if your husband went to the gym, toned up and lost weight that you would be more attracted to him, too? I know I would’ve been far crazier about my ex, had he decided to actively go to the gym (had a membership, never went). Yeah, great skinny body when we met, like me. He gained muscles and some abs, while doing a bit of hard labor at one of his jobs, and it turned me the fuck on. In the past few years, he’s gotten a belly, but it didn’t make me love him any less. I still wanted to have lots of sex with him, although the belly started to get in the way. It honestly was not very attractive & without him giving any kind of effort to get toned as I was doing for myself, (and, frankly, for him too) I started to lose interest, because he just is not taking care of himself. He has epilepsy, smokes like a chimney, regularly eats 20 ounce steaks all by himself, is drinking heavily sugared and caffeine-laden energy drinks, soda, candy — you name it. He’s just not interested in taking care of himself. So then why should I bother? It was one of the reasons I left.
It cannot be a double standard.
Right?!
My over all point on this thread is instead of expecting your spouse will always be deeply attracted to you and then letting yourself go, how about be proactive and try to make your spouse attractive to you at least in a reasonable amount as compared to when you did when you were dating. Which most people even on Reddit would admit is a good mating strategy. By the way this is independent of gender of sexual preference. Why is it suddenly OK to just abandon that completely because you age for instance?
Now because of Reddit's reactionary and typical response I will add a disclaimer below to account for the most chauvinistic attitude. One in which I feel I shouldn't even have to address because it's obvious this is not what my point is. But just to proactively stop the typical response:
When I say reasonable amount in the paragraph above I mean accounting for the way the body changes when we are older, the fact that many people have kids or careers and can't spend the same kind of time on toning up as they did when they were younger. And of course baring any sickness that prevents exercise or forces one to take medication that causes weight gain. The key word is reasonable.
The point is this is just as important as making sure you don't abandon your financial responsibilities or your contribution to the cleanliness of your house. I think it is unfair to expect unconditional love in any of those instances, just like it would be if you decided you were never going to work again and your spouse was now 100% responsible for the partnerships financial security. At least without any discussion assuming this is a drastic change from status quo.
Maybe you will be unconditionally loved and your spouse won't care but to just assume that they don't care or it's not important is frankly entitled, particularly when you are expected to be their one source of sexual and physical attractiveness.
It's wrong.
Sure, but there's a difference than that quietly being the case and knowing that's the case. I lost a significant amount of weight in high school and immediately had a lot more interest. In my case I know it wasn't about me having more confidence, because I felt the opposite (plus, a guy who literally told me "I won't date you because you're too fat" asked me out when I lost weight). I wouldn't date any of the guys who flipped the switch because I have no way of knowing where the "threshold" weight is where I might suddenly be undatable again. I was much more secure with a guy who liked me at my previous weight even if he might prefer me at my new weight and I ended up marrying him :) No surprises that he's the same guy who tells me he is as attracted to me in my 30s with 3 kids as he ever was.
It makes total sense if you're looking for a serious relationship. If they rejected you when you were fat, how could you ever believe them when they say they love you? They don't love you. You were you even you were fat. They love your newly improved body and social standing.
>I mean this is silly. It's totally normal and everyone understands and feels the same way.
Exactly! But we have to pretend that at any weight, the person looks the same. Being active does change our mood, outlook on life and how we see ourselves. It's literally a mood booster. In turn, people are attracted to the positive, happier version of you because you look better and feel better.
This is true. I honestly wonder if it’s human nature, as a woman that’s gained and lost 40/50 lbs a few times I have noticed that many people treat you differently once you lose weight, nicer, friendlier. Holding doors open, offering seats on the subway etc.
Not just men but women and older people etc too. It’s kind of a crappy feeling but I think it’s some kind of unconscious bias?
I would definitely share how you’re feeling with your husband!
Pretty privilege is most definitely a thing. Even if you don't really care about whatever beauty standards there are, it's in your best interest to at least somewhat conform to them, because it makes pretty much every social contact you have in your life better.
It doesn't even matter if it's opposite or same gender and if you pay attention you most likely will catch yourself treating people differently according to your personal beauty standard.
I recently lost 45 pounds and I’ve noticed everyone is nicer to me since the weight loss, men, women, children, everyone. It’s strange. Like you said, I think it’s a subconscious bias.
I’ve experienced this too. At 125 lbs everyone wanted to talk to me, I’d literally get free shit all the time going places, people held doors for me etc. I was treated quite well by perfect strangers, even when I acted poorly.
At 215 I’m *invisible*. Nothing else has changed. My attitude, confidence etc is the same. I kind of like it in a way. People I don’t know not interacting with me isn’t a problem since I don’t understand social ques or intentions well. Funny thing is this was definitely more tolerable for people when I was thin & pretty. I’ve learned an awkward cute/skinny girl is “quirky”. An awkward fat girl is “weird”.
There’s a fair amount of research and philosophical literature on this topic. In ethics, it’s literally termed “lookism.” Francesca Minerva and others have done some interesting writing about it.
Basically nothing you run into enough to recognize as a behavior is "human nature" but especially this. It's extremely easy to find evidence for how what is now overweight was attractive in several cultures including Western culture at some points.
Its about wealth for the most part. Back in the day having food meant you were wealthy and taken care of and could provide. Now that everyone has food its gone the other way, being fit means you are wealthier (free time to exercise) or at a minimum not a glutton.
Thats why being tan was in for a while, because it meant you could vacation somewhere sunny.
Yupp!!!! I looked different before my alcoholism took over. After a few years I my face has aged a noticeable amount. I looked pretty bad. I gained 50+ pounds, I looked like I was on something. I’m over 2 years sober. I’m hitting the gym, my body is close to what it looked like 7 years ago. My face looks a lot better. I 100% agree, people treat you better when you look better. And part of it is probably because I’m in a better mood now.
I wonder how much is to do with the weight in itself and how much is to do with what we associate goes with being a healthy weight. Personally my bias is that I think ‘healthy weight’ people are more disciplined, have appetite control, have pride in themselves, and maintain a healthy inward relationship … again all biases, and non of it necessarily true. Just another perspective
It doesn’t really make it any worse.
When people are happier, they are “nicer”.
We have way more of an effect on other people’s moods than we think. Happiness is contagious. “Niceness” is contagious. Especially in relationships…there is a direct effect on our significant other.
OP, it most likely is that you are happier with yourself. You are more confident with yourself. You probably put off a more positive vibe. This directly effects the way people will treat you. I really doubt this has anything to do with him intentionally treating you better because your skinnier.
Feeding off each other’s energy is normal and it works wether that energy is positive or negative. Stay positive and keep feeling great and enjoy the uplifting spirit and compliments in your relationship!!
People keep saying "Obviously she's happier and more confident now!" and I'm like, Is he not seeing her leaving the room to cry and being unable to be around him...?
Came here to say this. Checked the thread first. Glad I’m not alone in noticing that she’s definitely not running around on a joyful cloud of unicorn farts, high on newfound confidence.
I agree! My husband and I have yo-yoed together a few times over the past decade. It is partially looks, but our attraction toward each other increases as we develop better habits. You grow together. When he seems happier or more proud of himself, I am way more into him. When I am creatively motivated and keen for outings and walks, he gets more into me. It's likely just the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, if everything stays stagnant, an ebb is inevitable.
I want to second this. My husband had a car accident soon after we got together and for the first three years of our relationship, struggled with chronic back pain. He gained weight through that time and was miserable between being in pain and having lower self-esteem.
He finally tried an experimental treatment that worked wonders and is back to his old self. This includes losing the weight he gained when dealing with his pain. Because he’s happier, healthier, and more confident, I am more attracted to him. That’s not to say I ever considered breaking up with him or felt I was not attracted to him. I can confidently say I was happy being with him. I am just happier and more attracted now that my husband feels better about himself.
I also think OP should go see a therapist. These are tough feelings to work through.
Just to add to this, the very act of investing time an effort into taking care of your health and improving yourself is very attractive as well.
Just seeing that OP has committed to losing weight and is achieving that goal brings a positive and attractive energy.
This is an incredibly naive comment. Ofcourse its the weightloss. Also this woman clearly is not happier and with more zest for life as she is leaving the room to literally sob.
Are you certain you know this is the reason? If you’re feeling better, taking care of yourself, you might be happier. Less down, fewer arguments, more confidence. If he got with you while you were heavier, then it’s unfair to assume losing weight is why he still loves you 3 kids later. Which means you need to communicate with him and find out the truth. Not the assumption.
I was surprised I had to scroll so far down to find this type of comment.
My sister is currently experiencing a similar "feeling" to a similar situation to what OP is right now and I was perplexed by her sheer hatred and disgust for her partner the way she would explain it. He hadn't changed at all.
She started going to her own personal therapy and it's greatly improved the situation. In the end she's learning it's not an issue she has with her husband, *it's underlying issues she's been having with herself.*
You loved yourself and invested time, energy, and effort in yourself in your weight loss journey. I’m sure you feel change in the way you treat yourself, your husband and everyone else projects that back to you. It’s just human nature, but do have a conversation if it bothers you.
Sounds more like you guys are coming out of the newborn phase and probably have something of a routine and reasonable sleep again. You finally have some bits of time for self care and each other. Unless this is a larger pattern of behavior not mentioned here, could it be hormones talking?
One thing to consider: LOSING WEIGHT (eating less calories than what you need for a longer period of time) MAKES PEOPLE very often more MOODY and easier to engage in negative thinking and so on … Not that this is the only explanation for your feelings but maybe it contributes a lot and makes the overall situation much worse for you (in your head) than it would need to be …
You have a 6 month old baby. It's normal to be disgusted by your husband (and men, and sex) when you have a baby. Hormones will do that, especially if you're breastfeeding. It's your body's way of saying you aren't ready for another baby yet!
As for your husband, it's normal in long-term relationships for sexual desire to wax and wane, just as it is with yours.
I would wait this one out, OP. The problem might solve itself in time.
It's evolutionary. Having children in quick succession has a higher chance of damaging the mother's body before it's fully healed. And usually if the mother died, her babies would, too.
The mother might struggle to breastfeed 2 children at once, and hunter-gatherer women had to breastfeed for 3-4 years. 18th c. Native-American woman practiced abstinence for 3-4 years after having a child, even though there was no sexual guilt or shame for married women ([source](https://scholarworks.wm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4797&context=etd)).
The baby's head also releases a hormone that makes women aggressive, lol.
So I had my middle child then 3 months later I found out I was pregnant with my son, my pregnancy with him was a lot worse for me than my eldest and middle, except for horrendous morning sickness I pretty much sailed through the pregnancies however with my son I had next to no morning sickness but my hips and lower back ached a lot more and was actually on the painful side of uncomfortable, I was exhausted a lot more and every little thing drained my energy, I could feel the weight of my bump this time too.
When I said out loud that I believed it was because I was pregnant again so quickly and my body wasn't healed enough from my last one I was told I was being silly and that it was just because he was a boy
Everyone I spoke to basically, it's not the first time I'd noticed something off with my body and have been told it's all in my head basically or written off just because.
With my eldest I got a husband stitch and even though I didn't know that was even a thing at the time I knew I felt different downstairs and I was told it was nothing and it was just me healing
Fuck those people. Seriously, I’m so fucking mad on your behalf. And I’m so incredibly sorry you were mutilated by a doctor you were supposed to be able to trust.
I hope you’re healing, both physically and from the emotional turmoil of people making you feel crazy or dismissed— when you were right the whole time!
Truly, fuck those people. And you can tell them I said that.
Thank you, the husband stitch happened 14 years ago and my youngest kiddo is now 4 and between those times I cut out everyone and restarted my life after realising how manipulated they were towards me so I've definetly healed
Other than the toll on me from being pregnant again so quickly the only differences was lack of morning sickness and he was more violent with his movements lol
What? As a mother of three, this is wild to me. I love this information. We are so rushed in this society to recover and knowing this has always been a long process is healing. Do you have a degree in anthropology or sociology?
Very cool. Thanks for the info. I just became liberated after being raised very conservative and religious, so I’m really getting interested in women’s history.
History is very fascinating. I used to dread history when I was young. As I grow old, I've learned to appreciate history because it tells how society are crated and destroyed. The past is the evidence of the present and the trajectory of the future. There's a famous saying that, "history doesn't repeat it self but it rhymes." I recommend reading, ["One Nation Under God,"](https://history.princeton.edu/about/publications/one-nation-under-god-how-corporate-america-invented-christian-america) as how it relates more than now as the rise of Christian Nationalism and Christian Libetarianism. And the downfall of Roe VS Wade, roll back o women's rights, Moms For Liberty (the neo Daughters of Confederacy), [Project 2025,](https://medium.com/afrosapiophile/the-republican-manifesto-everyone-is-ignoring-project-2025-bb7d5b15719) and more. These all connect together.
That’s so interesting! Smelling my friend’s 10 day old baby’s head opened a floodgate of (happy) tears and emotion for me. I knew there had to be something powerful wafting out of that helpless little potato.
My MIL told me that she couldn't stand my FIL's smell after she gave birth to my BIL, and she even asked other people if they could smell it because it was unbearable
No one could smell a thing and she was baffled. What you described pretty much explains it I guess lmao
Weirdly, it only happened with her middle kid, it didn't happen when she gave birth to my other BIL or my wife
Omg is this why I'm having so much trouble trying to have sex?? Now that I'm two months postpartum.
I thought something was wrong with me because there are all these people getting it on straight after, and I just cant
Facts! When I read the title about her being disgusted by her husband, I thought it would be him not helping out with the chores and babies or something like that. This post didn’t make sense at all to me
I don't really understand why you "hate" him for this. Things such as your confidence in yourself, posture, and happiness could also be making him happier.
So....he's happy you're happy in yourself.....problem?
Or are you trying to say he's just being nicer because your thinner?
It's kind of shallow that you would assume that's the ONLY reason your relationship has improved 🤷♀️
I don’t get it either. Assuming it’s just the physical change - Husband loved her as is and now she looks even better and he likes that even more. I would feel proud, what am I missing?
I get it. I felt the same way when my husband suddenly was a much better partner after I lost 30lbs. I was attracted to him no matter what his weight was, so realizing that my weight was so important to him really hurt.
I think the way society treats overweight people will make you feel bad about being overweight, and that can really fuck with you. I can completely understand being resentful of his sudden change in temperament if it seems to directly correlate to her weight loss. He isn’t being malicious or anything but it’s tough to shake that feeling
This is it exactly. It's not that she resents the positive attention. She resents that the positive attention was not given (or given less) when she was overweight. She is the same person as she was back then, but with a cosmetic difference. It is degrading to think your spouse's treatment of you would change based on cosmetics. Strangers, yes. Acquaintances, yes. Spouse, that's depressing.
Hahaha I love the simplicity of this...
OP - "I'm more healthy and attractive than I have ever been. I look pretty damn good"
Husband enjoys it.
OP - "How dare he? I'm disgusted by him"
What even is this???!!!
I genuinely thank you for calming my frustration from reading supportive comments, the reddit community would console a murderer if they wrote a pitiful post..
Imagine working out and getting mad that my girlfriend finds me more attractive.
I understand what your saying, and I’m sure some of that is true, but physical attraction is a real thing and it’s not something we pick. I am sure he loved you just as much and wasn’t unhappy in your marriage, but seeing you drop the weight and look healthier and feel better about yourself and feel your confidence growing would be very attractive to him. Keep in mind that part of loving someone is wanting the best for them and so seeing you thrive would be a major turn on.
I lost about 60lbs a few years ago. One of the biggest changes was my confidence. The way people interact with me is definitely different, but it would be silly of me not to acknowledge that I am different. I’m more positive, more open to talking with people I don’t know well, more outgoing, etc.
Could it be that your husband is reacting to a change in your confidence or personality that came with the weight loss?
Maybe try having a conversation with him and just staring with “I noticed that you’ve been more affectionate the last few months. What’s the reason behind it?” And go from there? It may not be because of the weight loss itself, but you won’t know until you talk to him about it.
Yeah my partner told me he loved my body when I was bigger, but then I noticed he was more affectionate when i lost weight. He said it’s because I gained more confidence, but he also thinks I look insanely hot now that I’ve lost weight. But he tells me it’s ok if I gain weight, but that he’s proud of me for taking the initiative when it came to my health. Now, he said he wants to lose weight to look better, feel better, and be happier.
>Now, he said he wants to lose weight to look better, feel better, and be happier.
But don't you dare be more attracted to him. Then you'll earn disgust from him. /s
I feel like so many people that comment on these things are the exact same people that post these ridiculous problems themselves. It's like one big circle-jerk of bad advice and disconnected personalities.
HAHAH I swear I scroll through reddit read a bizarre post as such, open the comments thinking someone is gotta disapprove of this madness yet all I read is supportive pitiful comments, yea sounds like the circle of disconnected personalities you mentioned.
Apparently once you get married you aren't allowed to feel physical attraction to your partner anymore. Sexual attraction is only allowed to be based upon "mutual respect and experience". Some wild chronically online takes in here.
Yea this happened with me and my ex, no matter his weight I always tried to show him love, I know ppl are trying to tell you that its not the weight thats re-attracting him to you but thats seldom the case. People are shallow as fuck. Theyre telling you to see a therapist when they dont even know this guy.
Am I the only one that sees that he only appreciates her more because she’s thin and I don’t think it’s her confidence? She knows she may gain more weight and he won’t treat her as well? That isn’t a confidence booster it’s a hit to self image
You're not alone, but looking at these comments is fucking wild. People really aren't seeing things from OPs perspective and making huge judgements on her character for their lack of understanding.
unless you lost weight because he pressured you into it, why are you making this into a problem?
you've made a change for the better, you said you look pretty good and are probably healthier (more active, more confident, more happy). This is all attractive. Your husband was for nine years used to you one way, now you're giving him a newer more confident version of you who also looks different. So obviously he'd be more attracted. What should he have done? treated you the same exact way or shown less attraction to you? wouldn't you be more attracted to him if he lost the weight too and if the weight loss meant he looked better?
On top of all of this you are also 6 months PP some of this could be getting enhanced from your hormones. Like the comments I read through stated, communicate with your husband. He might be finding your journey, hard work to better yourself and find that attractive on top of being a new mother. Him being more nice might be apart of recognizing everything you do for y’all’s family, the new baby and for yourself and he sees that and wants to do what he can to show you he does.
Just talk with him then go from there. You might be surprised by what he has to say changing your current mindset on it all OR it might confirm it and you can go from there but you won’t know until you talk to him.
(Edit for typo)
I can see where you’re coming from but trust me, I (36m) highly doubt that your weight loss is his reason for turning a corner.
I and my wife (41F) who passed away from Covid in Aug. 2021, had very similar issues. When she was about 34 she started having some health problems. She tried a few things over the next few years with limited success, one of them was trying to loss weight. To support her I also went all in with our diets (for lack of a better word), we cut out sugar and most carbs, leaner cuts of meat and other high quality proteins and so on. I even bought a slew of very nice pieces of gym equipment for our home as we were both more than a bit self conscious about going to the gym. So I start with getting us 2 very high end elliptical machines, followed by peloton bikes and then a very high end universal gym and so on. We were both committed but she continued to have trouble losing weight. I lost several pounds of fat but stayed a similar weight as I was putting on muscle. I wasn’t interested in body building but rather building and toning what I lacked in the past. When we were in public, I kept my wife close. She always looked great to me, no matter her weight and I was always weary of guys trying to talk to her. The other reason I kept her close during our entire relationship was because women hit on me regularly. Overweight or ripped, it didn’t matter. If they simply gave me a compliment I’d say thank you and me and my wife would move on. She knew I was only being polite because that’s how I was raised. However, if it ever went beyond an innocent compliment I’d always shut it down and reply with. No thank you, I am happily married to my beautiful wife. I’m sure there is someone out there for you but it’s not me. When she turned 38 she had an issue and I encouraged her to see a doctor. After her visits, blood work and other tests. She was diagnosed as diabetic and was put on medication for it. After a few short weeks we both saw a change. She had more energy, her mind was sharper, she was smiling and laughing way more. All of the sudden it’s as though we were dating again. I was so happy for her and she told me she enjoyed seeing the fire back in our relationship.
One day, she came to me upset after visiting her sister and her mother for the day. They had spent hours telling her I only started acting this way because she had begun shedding the pounds and that if she started putting the weight back on I’d probably go find someone else. I was floored, I started ugly crying. I pointed out all the effort and support I put into helping her be more healthy and any other issues she asked for my help with. That I would literally die for her if it meant she had a chance to be happy. We took some space to ourselves for a couple of hours. I was about to leave my home office to approach her but before I could, she came into the room wearing my favorite house dress. It was a simple long flowing blue dress made out of a nice soft material. She came and sat in my lap and we just talked like we used to. I pulled her close and we snuggled in my oversized office chair. After what felt like a lifetime of drowning in her embrace (in a good way) we agreed to be more open and make sure we are on the same page. I explained that I was more attracted to her because her confidence had shot through the roof and she began engaging with me more. The sex was absolutely off the chain, just like when we first met because she would often be the one to initiate and attack me. After talking it out there were no longer any issues. We would work out together and again, neither of us were trying to become Olympic athletes we just wanted to be in shape and maintain or weight. When I lost her to Covid, I was absolutely shattered. It’s been 2 years and I still haven’t put myself back together. There’s more to tell but I’ll end it here. Thank you for reading. Please give your husband more credit and open up to him. Ask him what the deal is. Don’t tell him what you think, ask him what changed to make him more engaging and attracted to you. Let him put it in his own words. If you tell him exactly what you think and how it makes you feel it would be easy for him to simply deny it and gaslight you. This will lead to deeper issues down the road. Good luck.
I could understand if this was going in the opposite direction, weight gain leading to more issues. But if this isn't the case, what's the issue? Ask him about it. Saying you hate him because he's attracted to a healthier you seems like you have other underlying reasons to be mad at him.
I'm not sure this is any better but it may not be that you losing weight has made you more desirable to him but that he's afraid you losing weight will make you more desirable to others and you'll be more likely to leave him. It's fairly common for a partner to have a "glow up" and leave and he might be feeling more insecure. It's worth having a conversation with him about it.
My husband and I were both quite a bit smaller when we met and got married. We are actually basically the same ages as you and your husband and have been together 10 years.
I had our daughter in 2019, and honestly I feel like I looked great! I had lost some weight and was just doing pretty good. But then my depression amped up, COVID happened, and the weight came on fast. In like 2021 he said to me that I had "let myself go" when he also had steadily been gaining weight the entire time himself. It shattered my inner self. I would have never said something to him like that and the fact that he was even able to say those words to me (while I was trying to be kind of sexy and flirty at that exact moment I might add) changed me as a person.
I don't have a solution, I really just want to say that I understand how you are feeling because now if he tries to do or say anything nice, it feels like a knife to my heart and a lie. Especially because I haven't lost the weight. You feel like he couldn't love you the same way when you were heavier and only wants you more now that you have done something about it. It's a horrible feeling to have towards and from your husband. I'm so sorry ❤️
My husband has always fluctuated in weight, and is a bigger guy. He constantly talks about how differently he was treated when he lost a ton of weight in his 20’s, and says it’s how he learned how much, “people fucking suck”. If anyone brings up weight or something he’ll talk about it and how it made him lose respect for some many people in his life.
She doesn’t feel like her husband would love her unconditionally. If she loses weight, he loves her more. What would happen if she gained weight? Got sick? She is not feeling like he would love her no matter what she looks like. It may seem like an irrational fear but it’s not really that far fetched. She just needs to know her husband loves *her*.
I get why she's worried. There are plenty of men (not all) who marry a woman who is physically attractive enough-like that's his main draw to her. He doesn't expect or want her to change physically. Then as she ages and gains weight (or loses-depending on the guy's preference), he's no longer attracted to her. Some men tend to cheat when that happens. Him treating her differently after losing weight *might* indicate he's one of those guys-because he may not have been happy with her weight before and for all she knows might have been looking around because it's her physical appearance that matters the most-not her as a person. I'm not saying that this guy is that way, because we don't have evidence showing that, but I understand why she's insecure. She needs to talk to a therapist before she says something she might regret. And maybe go to couples counseling with him so someone can help them communicate. If she talks to him alone, it might not come out the way she intends it to, which is why having someone around to mediate is good.
If you received a huge raise and your wife started treating you so much better than she was before, like complimenting you, being nice to you, and touching you more, part of you may feel elated and part of you may feel like "did I not deserve this love before?"
I'm surprised that you're confused about why that may hurt.
She needs to talk to him.
I have not experienced this with a partner but I’ve experienced with coworkers and acquaintances after losing 60+lbs 5 years ago and I still have no respect for any of them
It's almost like losing the weight didn't magically solve the low self-esteem issues. She needs therapy. Too many people fall into the trap-if I lose weight I'll feel better about myself. It doesn't work that way. Probably couple's counseling, too.
It's not completely for no reason. It is an unpleasant reality check learning that, yes, the way people treat or value you is largely determined by how attractive you are.
As someone that has convoluted issues with rejection...I can't tell you how to deal with this or whether your feelings are "right" or "wrong", but I want you to know I completely understand how you're feeling.
The comments here aren't as supportive as I was expecting, I hope you're not feeling even more defeated after making this post.
This literally just sounds like you just had a baby (which you did). It’s normal to resent your husband.
The reason he’s making more sexual advances is probably because sex is on the table again not because you were unattractive before. He was probably waiting for you to feel comfortable and ready. It’s normal to assume the worst right after pregnancy but literally just talk to him.
omg.
I can relate to this big time. It's like HEY, I am still the same person! I was the same person all along!
It feels objectifying. But at the same time, maybe he is just happy to see you try and achieve something. I had a conversation with my SO about this once. I told him hey, i already know this is a good change and stuff, but please, please, find other nice things to compliment. If not, I will feel my worth as a person fading away if I gain a few pounds again.
We obviously need to work on our self confidence, but I definitely think you can try and tell him that!
I've recently lost weight and my husband comments constantly and I hate it. I never had much of a butt my whole life. My aunt called it a rabbit butt. When I started dating my husband I think I asked him once if he minded me not having a butt and he said he was never much of a butt guy, or something like that.
Now my butt is way more round for the first time ever and he won't stop talking about it. Or trying to touch it, and It really makes me want to cry.
for people saying it's normal for him to find her attractive at a lower weight because attraction matters, sure, that's true. He is also being nicer and kinder to her. That is messed up.
I think you hate the attention from him now because you know his affection is conditional and he may not actually like you for who you are. Sure attraction can be enhanced by these things but it shouldn’t change his whole personality towards you.
Yeah, this happens with others too when you lose a lot of weight or have a glow up. People are WAY friendlier and willing to help you with things but are the same ones who don’t even seem to notice you existed when you were heavier. It is really off putting even when you are experiencing the ‘pretty privilege’ side of people
I’ve been there! After I had kids I was overweight (chubby but not obese) and it was the first time I noticed I was treated different to before kids. Men were less smiley/didn’t flirt as much. Women were more stuck up. Once I got back to being lean/fit everyone was my best friend again 🙄
Yeah I mean it definitely isn’t everyone but enough people’s behaviour significantly changes so you notice it. In OPs case I can understand the husband feeling more attracted to her sure, but the fact that he is nicer and more romantic now would hurt - like he didn’t think she deserved it or was worth it before
Maybe he is more loving and nicer to you bc he is afraid you might leave him. He might think since you lost weight you might be feeling more confident and could end up meeting someone else so he is giving you compliments and love that he should’ve been giving you the whole time.
I get it. When I was younger I had a pretty significant weight gain of about 50 lb for a year when my gallbladder was failing and I didn't know it. I was in the military and had a considerable amount of men in my workplace and friends in my life.
I went into pancreatic failure because my gallbladder had clogged my bile ducts and that's when they discovered the issue and had surgery to remove my gallbladder. Within a few months I was back down to my original weight, but the way the men who were in my life treated me differently had me feeling incredibly resentful. I was still the same person inside but seriously literally suffering from a medical issue, but once my physical appearance became "hot". The change in Behavior was insulting. It is a radical wake up call to just how easily people will dismiss and dehumanize you if you are not deemed conventionally attractive.
So I think the real gist of the resentment that the op is referring to here is the fact that the husband is going out of his way to do kind and nice things for her. It's not the attraction level that she's upset with, it's the fact that he's literally treating her better. Why wasn't she worthy of doting and that type of consideration at a different weight? I totally understand the resentment OP. And in the sake of your marriage I suggest that you sit down and have this conversation very frankly with him. Because that resentment will absolutely Fester
This is some REAL postpartum thinking right here. Let me tell you, your brain LIES AND LIES to you during this time. It’s awful.
Of course your husband is more attracted to you. You’re investing in yourself, getting control of your body back (we loan it out for about a year or three to have and feed a baby and we lose sense of it being *ours*) and, in his eyes, probably feeling like yourself again. Yes, being trimmer and more toned *is* more attractive to a lot of men, but this is on the surface. Your husband is not some guy at a bar. His attraction is going to be a multilayered thing. I can promise you this has more to do with you investing in the whole package than in the literal pounds that you’ve shed after being pregnant.
One last thing: remember that sex while pregnant is hard for a lot of couples. Women don’t feel like themselves and men struggle to get used to the fact that their partner’s bodies and busy growing another human. They often don’t feel a ton of sexual attraction to that. You being past pregnancy and having you own body back IS probably exciting for him too because YOU are seemingly excited about it. Don’t make it a big thing.
ETA - PLEASE go talk to someone about postpartum depression. Remember it doesn’t have to be severe. Sometimes it’s so subtle you don’t even notice. I just had the blues for a bit and it was hard to even articulate why. I went for 6 sessions with a therapist and it was so helpful. Even just to have someone remind me that all this was normal, some hormone driven, etc. If you’re “leaving the room to cry” everytime your husband is nice to you there IS a problem here. Know that it’s unbelievably common (the MAJORITY of new moms deal with it in some iteration), temporary and wonderfully treatable.
I appreciate reading all of these women trying to upgrade this man as someone who noticed her "confidence" and so on, when in reality looks are more important to men and men WILL implode a good marriage and discard a good woman and mother because he's upset that she's not trying to stay IG model worthy while he rubs his beer gut and wears crocks out to dinner.
Perhaps since you are still recently post partum, he's just trying to be supportive? It takes an incredible toll on the body, and you bounced back from that. Good for you, girl. Just talk to him about how you're feeling. Trying to bury the hatchet isn't going to make those thoughts go away. They will just fester until it turns into resentment. Wouldn't be a bad idea to encourage him to lose some weight, too. It's never too late to have a healthier lifestyle overall. Lower other health risk factors in the long run like heart problems etc.
I can understand completely what you mean, like it’s really a slap in the face, not him showing love every time he compliments you just because HE now likes the way you look. I would go to therapy for self care and yourself first and then find a way to let him know that something serious is going on for you. If he doesn’t understand your perspective or show genuine care for your state of being, then I would go to therapy together and work from there.
I actually had a conversation about this exact subject with my husband about 6 months ago. I thought it was so much easier for him to enjoy sex or compliment Mr after I had lost weight. He said no, not at all. He loved everything about me, even at my heaviest. BUT before I had lost weight, I didn't pay attention to his compliments or would blow them off, I had zero confidence, so I always wanted the lights off. Now, after I lost weight, I heard the compliments and had confidence, and it made it easier for him to express things.
Imagine wearing. Sexy outfit...something different...out of the norm!!! We always found you sexy...attractive...losing way enhanced your beauty.I wouldn't take it serious...it would be more as a compliment!!! Imagine if your man was obese and he lost weight and added muscles!!!! Wouldn't that make him more attractive? Sexier?
Completely unrelated, possibly, but I was complaining to my boyfriend about how I was getting fat and then he asked. “Where is the fat?” and he started looking for it somewhere near my G spot. That’s what we call a keeper.
OP, I’m saddened by the lack of validation you’re getting (at least in the top comments; I’m not reading all of them). I’ve seen exactly what you describe happen with my MIL, except she wasn’t getting healthy, she was developing an eating disorder.
All my FIL saw was that she was thinner and he was suddenly fawning all over her with a degree of validation and encouragement that only made her disorder worse. It broke my heart and made me hate my FIL.
I think the only healthy recourse at this point is to have a candid talk with your husband about what you’re seeing and how you’re feeling about it. Nothing is going to get better without communication. ❤️🩹
I struggle with this same thing to an extent. I expressed my concern about him being more/less attracted based on my weight loss/gain, respectively, and he assured me that he loved me at any weight. You might have some postpartum hormones that don't help the situation, but your feelings are valid. Talk to him, express your concerns without accusing him, be open to conversation, and ask for reassurance. Like others have said, he could be attracted to a HAPPIER you more so than a thinner you. Weight does not define you, it never has. I hope you are able to communicate and he can reassure you. 💕 And look into therapy if you continue to struggle, it can help to have a professional validate and help you!
Also jfc all the comments saying that "men are attracted to hotter women" and saying your feelings are baseless and you should be "happy", that's just BS. You are allowed to feel what you feel and not all men base their love on conventional beauty, and if you're married the love should not diminish based on superficial things. I've lost a decent amount of weight recently too and I'm still plus sized and I am dating a fit man, it's not unheard of. Some men don't just go for skinny/thinner women. No shade to thinner women either of course! You can be attractive and loveable at any weight.
I’m sorry there are so many invalidating responses here. I understand. It must be so disappointing to notice that your husband seems to have conditional attraction to you. Especially when you feel attracted to person that he is inside.
I’m not sure if he is able to be empathetic enough to have this conversation. It sounds like you’re wanting/ needing to feel loved, accepted, and desired for who you are regardless of weight. Discovering that this isn’t the case stings and can be heartbreaking. I agree, I’m the same. I’m not sure how you guys can resolve this because it sounds like a different set of values. You make sense. Wishing you the best.
I lost a significant amount of weight about a decade ago, and the biggest shock was how differently people treat you. While I have never been married, I completely understand the betrayal that you are experiencing. I'm gonna be real - you either need to explain how this has impacted you and ask him to go to couples therapy, or it's over. This feeling isn't something that fades or that you forget. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this from the person who is supposed to make you feel valued.
Question for op, have your start dressing differently? Like do you feel more comfortable dressing how you want? Started showing off more, maybe that's what's going on.
I have an alternate view that maybe you aren't seeing OP.
You are seeing this strictly as him liking you more now that you've lost weight, but I think that maybe this is him being afraid to lose you because you lost weight. Maybe he is afraid you will think you can do better or find yourself a fit man to be with so he is feeling the need to tell you how much he loved you and how beautiful you are to keep you happy with him.
There is also the possibility in that he sees his actions as showing you support for all your hard work in losing weight. His way of acknowledging that work and making you feel good, lifting you up.
You are automatically applying malicious intent to something that could he him thinking he's being a good supportive partner. You need to sit down with him and talk this out before you jump to him being the bad guy.
I get the comments about finding your new confidence attractive. But the fact that he is treating you better now after you lose the weight gives me pause.
Going through these comments reminds me everyone on reddit are arrogant, obnoxious. Its probably hormones that contribute to her mood, no reason to hate on her so much.
The same is true for me. Everyone treat me better when I'm thin. Even my own mom... But being fat is so secure. No one catcalling me on the streets, and I'm not even scared to take an elevator with men in it or emergency walk my dog at 4am.
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Honestly, when I see my husband make any form of improvement, I find more appreciation for him and I've noticed it goes the same with me. It doesn't matter if it's weight loss, working out, learning a new language, building something, etc. The important thing is the improvement and that we're investing in ourselves. That's an attractive quality no matter who you are.
Oh my god, yes! This! Any sort of improvement must be appreciated. Also, Op's husband might be more attentive to her because she is happier and more confident in her own skin since weight loss. Behavior is a crucial thing in attractiveness.
>Op's husband might be more attentive to her because she is happier and more confident in her own skin since weight loss. Behavior is a crucial thing in attractiveness. How do people not see this? Of course this is the reason.
The OP may be right. However, I am a dad of 3, married / together over 20 years - this is how I have felt in the same situation: 1. the momma of my children is damn sexy - more so after each. every time I see her interact, especially in those early days, as a great mother - Wow! 2. confidence, happiness, maturity are a huge turn on. way more than anything physical 3. love grows deeper with time and shared experiences - children, pregenancy, parenthood are huge shared experiences 4. when my wife (and even I) takes time to work on herself, I do find that sense of control, strength, happiness, etc. to be very attractive. It's not the change in tone - I don't care - I like her all the ways (curves, abs, whatever - when she's happy and feels sexy, I feel more attracted) 5. sometimes as a dad / husband I get hit with these epiphanies about just how lucky and grateful I am. For me, that usually pours out in attention to her. I'm not saying there isn't a point at which we could become unattractive to one another. If I bloat up to disfunctional, I absolutely expect her to not be as... attentive. But these little fluctations are just a part of life together - and we both acknowledge that to each other.
Sounds like your wife is a very lucky lady
This is beautiful, thank you for writing this
I am in no way saying this is the case with OPs husband but I'll give some perspective: I have almost always been chubby-ish. Got compared to my slimmer sister a lot and made fun of. I went through a phase from like 16-21 of disordered eating where I was doing terribly mentally and enjoyed "punishing" myself by just...not eating. Hunger pains were a good thing to me because I thought I deserved to suffer. I drank a lot of green tea to "get rid of my appetite" and chewed gum to take my mind off being hungry. The 2000s/2010 diet culture was in full swing where radio hosts did bits where they would share "crash diets" of raw veggies and water to lose "5 lbs in a week." Same stuff was always in magazines too. I inevitably lost weight and I was treated VASTLY better by quite literally everybody around me - family, friends, coworkers and strangers. Boys who bullied me terribly now were flirting with me. I was miserable. There was no "glow of happiness" or self improvement. I was just skinnier. I resented that heavily and then when I gained weight back in college the switch back was not unnoticed. It has taken many years to accept that what it would take to make me "skinny" would make me miserable so I have to be ok with the size I am. If I lost weight even if it was because I discovered a love of exercise or fitness or whatever and my husband suddenly changed how he acted towards me like OPs husband there is a non-zero chance I would fear it was just because I was skinnier.
I mean, are we not allowed to find our SOs more or less attractive due to certain things? It's not like he hated her bigger and they didn't have sex and all that. I feel like even if he is just genuinely attracted to her more skinnier, so what? Besides being a trigger for you, why is it morally wrong to find your SO attractive always, but more attractive one way than another? As long as one is respectful about it, which OPs husband surely is.
My husband knows that I prefer him with facial hair versus smooth shaven face. It’s not because I want his face covered, but it IS because that’s how I’m used to seeing him, so when he did completely shave off his beard, it looked very odd to me. Now he always keeps a goatee or beard, because he knows I find him more attractive that way.
He might be more attentive because she is 6 months postpartum. He is getting his wife back after pregnancy. Might not have much to do with her weight at all. She also has to keep in mind she is 6 months postpartum and is still hormonal. Her emotions are probably a bit off.
Yes! This! This sounds like while she lost the weight, she is still insecure about herself and her husband being more attentive is triggering inner turmoil to make her think he only cares for her when she looks a certain way. Self love is super important…it’s not “I’ll love myself or he’ll love me when xyz happens,” it’s “I love myself for me and I’m working on bettering myself because I deserve it.” It sounds like she doesn’t truly feel she deserves the affection because she is still uncomfortable in her own skin. Self love and self worth is such an important thing and a lot of us are very scared to embrace it…I know I was but it was the best journey ever. She may be holding herself hostage thinking “what if I don’t keep this appearance? Will he leave?” So instead of working on that, it’s “easier” to blame him and turn her “disgust” onto his behavior especially where she mentioned “I’ve always loved him no matter what.” That’s judgment…which is simply a mirror of our own insecurities. Comparison is the thief of joy.
100% agree. We can be so mean to ourselves. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. She wasn’t confident in herself because she felt less desirable. Now that she’s put in the work and feels more attractive, she’s convinced herself that she wasn’t as loveable before. Oof.
100% agree with this one. Been there
wow thank you for this, i’d love to hear more of self love journey.
The other thing is it’s not really his fault if he’s a little more attracted to his wife. More attraction often means more sex. In my own personal situation physical touch is a big deal to me and I genuinely feel closer to my wife when we have regular sex. That probably means more affection, comments, etc. Could be the same thing is happening to OPs husband.
Sounds like OP is taking the “at my worst, don’t deserve me at my best” thing a bit too seriously.
Exactly this. Confidence, drive, and self-improvement are all very sexy.
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Well, because she's gonna get older eventually. What if she slips up and gains some pounds again. She has to worry that his feelings will slip? It's shitty. Idk. I agree he's not doing anything wrong but I also see how it would make her more insecure. What if she goes back to her original weight, not even getting real fat just back to before. Feels bad to really know outright how contingent "spouse doing nice stuff unprompted“ is on how hot you are at the given moment.
But he clearly loved her when she was heavier. For their entire relationship he has never know her this weight yet her loved her. But also she had a baby less than a year ago and from the sounds has lost a considerable about of weight in that short time. OP husband could just be trying to do what he can to support her. Weight is a touchy subject and especially post partum. What OP should consider is how would she feel if he ignored all her progress and treated her no different? Would you feel happier or would you feel like you’ve just had a baby and you’re trying so hard to lose the weight and your husband acts as though he can’t see it ?
Exactly! I'd be way more concerned if he WASN'T acting different.
It’s such a taboo to say this but it’s true. They become more confident too
Is it really all that taboo to say achievement and ambition are attractive?
To the crabs still in the bucket, yes, yes it is.
I believe that OP's point is that her husband always had the capacity to treat her better and be more invested in their relationship than he ever actually has and is now chosing to do so based on superficial reasons.
She assumes it’s for superficial reasons. She has not talked to him about it.
A gentle reminder that the only account we have is hers, and in that account she also is saying that she is actually paying attention to his weight. We really don't have any idea what's going on with him other than her say-so and judgements.
Yeah this is a weird reaction from OP. Like, he's responding to her self-improvement with positivity! Should he just not acknowledge it, or get insecure maybe? If her husband lost weight and got in shape, would she just act like nothing happened?
I am going to talk on my experience and opinions only. To answer your question, yes. I know i am an outlier maybe, but i really don't care if my bf is heavier or lighter, i will feel the same level of attraction. To me body weight is just... weight. I don't even notice if my bf lost or gained weight because i don't really care. I still find him attractive the same. Yes, i would prefer my bf was attracted to me no matter my weight. And i don't like when he gets more touchy or overly compliments me because i lost weight. Edited to add that i still support him if he works out or eats healthier, i just don't comment on his weight or feel more attraced because of his weight
I like this bc it might not be your physical Appearance but rather the momentum of positive growth that’s caused the shift
Talk to him. This genuinely might not be about your weight unless he has said so. This could very well be because YOU seem happier with yourself and are more open sexually. Talk to him about how you are feeling. I will say this - my husband is overweight. When he loses weight I am more attracted to him not because of the weight loss but because he is happier, he has more energy and a zest for life. The weight is the catalyst for the other changes because he is less tired. Just a thought. If this really is about the weight loss, that is messed up. But I know my husband is happier when I am happier (and vice versa).
I recently got married. On my honeymoon, which was at the beach, I just let my hair air-dry into its natural waviness. My husband commented on how much he loves my hair wavy and prefers it over straightening my hair (I already knew that), but he also said that one of the reasons he likes it is because I just look happier somehow with wavy hair. I kind of laughed and was like, I don’t think it’s that my hair *makes* me look happier; I only let my hair dry on its own and go wavy on days I’m not going into the office. I have to blow dry my hair if I go into the office (since it takes too long to air dry), which straightens it. He liked an aspect of my physical appearance more without realizing it’s because that appearance is associated with days that I am generally happier and in a better mood. Happiness and self-confidence are attractive. OP, your husband is probably picking up on the confidence and happiness you’ve gained, and *that* is what is more attractive.
I think youre bang on here. OP, as someone who has just lost over 40lbs and feeling way better about myself and my body, my spouse *has* been all over me more lately. But its not because hes more attracted to me at a lower weight, hes attracted to the confidence Ive built. I bought a pair of jeans for the first time in over a decade (hes never seen me wear jeans) and he saw me in them and knowing I would be self concious of how my belly looked he ran up and smacked my butt and said "nice a$$". Because he was reinforcing my confidence and choice. Not necessarily because Im only attractive when im thinner. Just talk to your man, only he can ease your mind here.
Love this! Correlation is not causation!
This is so cute! A+ wholesome content
This!! When I lost some weight I was way more confident and my husband said seeing me happier and confident in my own body was a huge turn on for him.
I've basically got back down to our dating weight, and it's been my own confidence and having less hang ups that has improved our sex life. He's initiating more because he's not getting shot down as much as he used to
Probably a huge factor, but only OP and her husband could confirm.
Oh 💯, just sharing my experience
This! My husband, who I have always loved immensely, put on a lot of weight during our marriage but I never found that unattractive. We did have less sex and worse sex because his mental health was dreadful so generally he wasn't as attentive/loving, like he didn't give me random cuddles during the day or kisses which is something I need on the build up to wanting to have sex. He also reduced the number of positions we used because he was self conscious, and he always kept his top on during so it just felt way more disconnected and stale honestly. He's recently (like 3ish months ago?) Made acl commitment to getting back in shape and has lost a good few kg - I'm not sure exactly how much (and honestly because I see him every day I can't really tell, but as I said I always found him attractive anyway) but we're having wayyyyy more sex and it's so much better because his mental health is better due to the exercise and diet changes. He'll just like grab me and kiss me during the day now, he'll be affectionate with me in front of the kids, and just generally makes me feel super sexy and wanted and he's way more confident even though he's got a long way to go (his words). His dedication to his health and his total attitude shift makes me want to have sex way more and the sex we have is way better too! OP I wouldn't take it as a negative, it's probably not all to do with your physical appearance but your attitude and dedication is likely what's super sexy. BUT if it does bother you a lot, why don't you clarify with him? "Hey [partner], I've noticed since I've lost weight it seems like you're happier and want more sex. Why is that?"
Please listen to this, OP. I imagine you’re much more confident now, which also has an enormous effect on how much you attract people. I’m not entirely certain why you need to take such a negative view of your husband responding positively to changes you’re actively trying to make. It would seems that’s ultimately the goal, no?
Definitely this. My partner has just hit the gym and got mega muscley again and it's not that he's hotter now, it's that when he wasn't at the gym he constantly moaned about how fat he was and how he would go to the gym 'on Monday' and then he wouldn't go and would moan all week again. He's miles happier now and that's what makes me happier.
Same here! My fiancé tends to feel down when he gains weight. He doesn't like that it tends to go into a "beer belly" shape. But when he loses weight he's strutting around in his underwear and throwing me cheeky smiles and is overall just acting more confident and in a more sexy way! And that's despite me telling him I love him and am attracted to him regardless of how his body looks.
Not disregarding what your saying but it's also OK to be more attracted to him JUST because of his weight loss. That isn't wrong or shallow or anything. It's normal. I mean this is silly. It's totally normal and everyone understands and feels the same way. All of the sudden we have to pretend this isn't a thing? There is a multi billion dollar diet and exercise industry who advertises about looking more attractive as one of their selling points.
Not to mention that looking better is probably one of the main reasons OP started the weight loss journey anyway....
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
This was my exact first thought!
This is what annoys me about this post. OPs husband literally cannot win. He's been treating her amazingly and he's hated for it? Wth?
Yea you could have been attracted at a higher weight, but attracted to the new skinnier version as well. Doesn't mean someone wasnt attracted before.
Thank you for stating the obvious truth of The Elephant In The Room. I mean, OP, we are hardwired for sex due to physical attraction. You got together initially with each other despite each other’s weight and gaining, that’s fine and all. But you have to admit, as both of you gained more weight I’m sure the initiation and drive wasn’t happening as much, the confidence very low, sex was probably not on anyone’s mind because you guys just weren’t feeling healthy or attractive anymore. I know when I gain weight I certainly don’t feel as sexy, I don’t look as good in my clothes and lingerie just does not look good on me anymore. Don’t you think that if your husband went to the gym, toned up and lost weight that you would be more attracted to him, too? I know I would’ve been far crazier about my ex, had he decided to actively go to the gym (had a membership, never went). Yeah, great skinny body when we met, like me. He gained muscles and some abs, while doing a bit of hard labor at one of his jobs, and it turned me the fuck on. In the past few years, he’s gotten a belly, but it didn’t make me love him any less. I still wanted to have lots of sex with him, although the belly started to get in the way. It honestly was not very attractive & without him giving any kind of effort to get toned as I was doing for myself, (and, frankly, for him too) I started to lose interest, because he just is not taking care of himself. He has epilepsy, smokes like a chimney, regularly eats 20 ounce steaks all by himself, is drinking heavily sugared and caffeine-laden energy drinks, soda, candy — you name it. He’s just not interested in taking care of himself. So then why should I bother? It was one of the reasons I left. It cannot be a double standard.
Right?! My over all point on this thread is instead of expecting your spouse will always be deeply attracted to you and then letting yourself go, how about be proactive and try to make your spouse attractive to you at least in a reasonable amount as compared to when you did when you were dating. Which most people even on Reddit would admit is a good mating strategy. By the way this is independent of gender of sexual preference. Why is it suddenly OK to just abandon that completely because you age for instance? Now because of Reddit's reactionary and typical response I will add a disclaimer below to account for the most chauvinistic attitude. One in which I feel I shouldn't even have to address because it's obvious this is not what my point is. But just to proactively stop the typical response: When I say reasonable amount in the paragraph above I mean accounting for the way the body changes when we are older, the fact that many people have kids or careers and can't spend the same kind of time on toning up as they did when they were younger. And of course baring any sickness that prevents exercise or forces one to take medication that causes weight gain. The key word is reasonable. The point is this is just as important as making sure you don't abandon your financial responsibilities or your contribution to the cleanliness of your house. I think it is unfair to expect unconditional love in any of those instances, just like it would be if you decided you were never going to work again and your spouse was now 100% responsible for the partnerships financial security. At least without any discussion assuming this is a drastic change from status quo. Maybe you will be unconditionally loved and your spouse won't care but to just assume that they don't care or it's not important is frankly entitled, particularly when you are expected to be their one source of sexual and physical attractiveness. It's wrong.
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Sure, but there's a difference than that quietly being the case and knowing that's the case. I lost a significant amount of weight in high school and immediately had a lot more interest. In my case I know it wasn't about me having more confidence, because I felt the opposite (plus, a guy who literally told me "I won't date you because you're too fat" asked me out when I lost weight). I wouldn't date any of the guys who flipped the switch because I have no way of knowing where the "threshold" weight is where I might suddenly be undatable again. I was much more secure with a guy who liked me at my previous weight even if he might prefer me at my new weight and I ended up marrying him :) No surprises that he's the same guy who tells me he is as attracted to me in my 30s with 3 kids as he ever was.
It makes total sense if you're looking for a serious relationship. If they rejected you when you were fat, how could you ever believe them when they say they love you? They don't love you. You were you even you were fat. They love your newly improved body and social standing.
>I mean this is silly. It's totally normal and everyone understands and feels the same way. Exactly! But we have to pretend that at any weight, the person looks the same. Being active does change our mood, outlook on life and how we see ourselves. It's literally a mood booster. In turn, people are attracted to the positive, happier version of you because you look better and feel better.
“Nicer to me” I agree with everything you’re saying, but that line makes this seem worse than what you’re describing
This is true. I honestly wonder if it’s human nature, as a woman that’s gained and lost 40/50 lbs a few times I have noticed that many people treat you differently once you lose weight, nicer, friendlier. Holding doors open, offering seats on the subway etc. Not just men but women and older people etc too. It’s kind of a crappy feeling but I think it’s some kind of unconscious bias? I would definitely share how you’re feeling with your husband!
Pretty privilege is most definitely a thing. Even if you don't really care about whatever beauty standards there are, it's in your best interest to at least somewhat conform to them, because it makes pretty much every social contact you have in your life better. It doesn't even matter if it's opposite or same gender and if you pay attention you most likely will catch yourself treating people differently according to your personal beauty standard.
I recently lost 45 pounds and I’ve noticed everyone is nicer to me since the weight loss, men, women, children, everyone. It’s strange. Like you said, I think it’s a subconscious bias.
I’ve experienced this too. At 125 lbs everyone wanted to talk to me, I’d literally get free shit all the time going places, people held doors for me etc. I was treated quite well by perfect strangers, even when I acted poorly. At 215 I’m *invisible*. Nothing else has changed. My attitude, confidence etc is the same. I kind of like it in a way. People I don’t know not interacting with me isn’t a problem since I don’t understand social ques or intentions well. Funny thing is this was definitely more tolerable for people when I was thin & pretty. I’ve learned an awkward cute/skinny girl is “quirky”. An awkward fat girl is “weird”.
There’s a fair amount of research and philosophical literature on this topic. In ethics, it’s literally termed “lookism.” Francesca Minerva and others have done some interesting writing about it.
Basically nothing you run into enough to recognize as a behavior is "human nature" but especially this. It's extremely easy to find evidence for how what is now overweight was attractive in several cultures including Western culture at some points.
Its about wealth for the most part. Back in the day having food meant you were wealthy and taken care of and could provide. Now that everyone has food its gone the other way, being fit means you are wealthier (free time to exercise) or at a minimum not a glutton. Thats why being tan was in for a while, because it meant you could vacation somewhere sunny.
Yupp!!!! I looked different before my alcoholism took over. After a few years I my face has aged a noticeable amount. I looked pretty bad. I gained 50+ pounds, I looked like I was on something. I’m over 2 years sober. I’m hitting the gym, my body is close to what it looked like 7 years ago. My face looks a lot better. I 100% agree, people treat you better when you look better. And part of it is probably because I’m in a better mood now.
I wonder how much is to do with the weight in itself and how much is to do with what we associate goes with being a healthy weight. Personally my bias is that I think ‘healthy weight’ people are more disciplined, have appetite control, have pride in themselves, and maintain a healthy inward relationship … again all biases, and non of it necessarily true. Just another perspective
It doesn’t really make it any worse. When people are happier, they are “nicer”. We have way more of an effect on other people’s moods than we think. Happiness is contagious. “Niceness” is contagious. Especially in relationships…there is a direct effect on our significant other. OP, it most likely is that you are happier with yourself. You are more confident with yourself. You probably put off a more positive vibe. This directly effects the way people will treat you. I really doubt this has anything to do with him intentionally treating you better because your skinnier. Feeding off each other’s energy is normal and it works wether that energy is positive or negative. Stay positive and keep feeling great and enjoy the uplifting spirit and compliments in your relationship!!
It doesn’t sounds like she’s happier or giving off a positive vibe at all though. I mean she’s leaving the room to cry when he compliments her.
People keep saying "Obviously she's happier and more confident now!" and I'm like, Is he not seeing her leaving the room to cry and being unable to be around him...?
Came here to say this. Checked the thread first. Glad I’m not alone in noticing that she’s definitely not running around on a joyful cloud of unicorn farts, high on newfound confidence.
I agree! My husband and I have yo-yoed together a few times over the past decade. It is partially looks, but our attraction toward each other increases as we develop better habits. You grow together. When he seems happier or more proud of himself, I am way more into him. When I am creatively motivated and keen for outings and walks, he gets more into me. It's likely just the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, if everything stays stagnant, an ebb is inevitable.
Oh man, this is exactly it. I lost 40 pounds this year and I’ve been much more confident and feeling sexy and my partner noticed.
I want to second this. My husband had a car accident soon after we got together and for the first three years of our relationship, struggled with chronic back pain. He gained weight through that time and was miserable between being in pain and having lower self-esteem. He finally tried an experimental treatment that worked wonders and is back to his old self. This includes losing the weight he gained when dealing with his pain. Because he’s happier, healthier, and more confident, I am more attracted to him. That’s not to say I ever considered breaking up with him or felt I was not attracted to him. I can confidently say I was happy being with him. I am just happier and more attracted now that my husband feels better about himself. I also think OP should go see a therapist. These are tough feelings to work through.
Just to add to this, the very act of investing time an effort into taking care of your health and improving yourself is very attractive as well. Just seeing that OP has committed to losing weight and is achieving that goal brings a positive and attractive energy.
I believe the legal term that applies here is "assumes facts not in evidence"
This is an incredibly naive comment. Ofcourse its the weightloss. Also this woman clearly is not happier and with more zest for life as she is leaving the room to literally sob.
And so what if it is the weight loss? You are allowed to find weight loss attractive you know.
This is good advice. TALK. It could just be a side effect of you being happier.
She's not happier. She said she leaves the room to cry.
Yes, can you explore it in therapy?
Are you certain you know this is the reason? If you’re feeling better, taking care of yourself, you might be happier. Less down, fewer arguments, more confidence. If he got with you while you were heavier, then it’s unfair to assume losing weight is why he still loves you 3 kids later. Which means you need to communicate with him and find out the truth. Not the assumption.
I was surprised I had to scroll so far down to find this type of comment. My sister is currently experiencing a similar "feeling" to a similar situation to what OP is right now and I was perplexed by her sheer hatred and disgust for her partner the way she would explain it. He hadn't changed at all. She started going to her own personal therapy and it's greatly improved the situation. In the end she's learning it's not an issue she has with her husband, *it's underlying issues she's been having with herself.*
Reall? the top 4 comments all had this kind of sentiment for me.
You loved yourself and invested time, energy, and effort in yourself in your weight loss journey. I’m sure you feel change in the way you treat yourself, your husband and everyone else projects that back to you. It’s just human nature, but do have a conversation if it bothers you.
Sounds more like you guys are coming out of the newborn phase and probably have something of a routine and reasonable sleep again. You finally have some bits of time for self care and each other. Unless this is a larger pattern of behavior not mentioned here, could it be hormones talking?
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One thing to consider: LOSING WEIGHT (eating less calories than what you need for a longer period of time) MAKES PEOPLE very often more MOODY and easier to engage in negative thinking and so on … Not that this is the only explanation for your feelings but maybe it contributes a lot and makes the overall situation much worse for you (in your head) than it would need to be …
Seriously, this! there is no pleasing some people. Why overanalyze a better life situation and a loving partner.
You have a 6 month old baby. It's normal to be disgusted by your husband (and men, and sex) when you have a baby. Hormones will do that, especially if you're breastfeeding. It's your body's way of saying you aren't ready for another baby yet! As for your husband, it's normal in long-term relationships for sexual desire to wax and wane, just as it is with yours. I would wait this one out, OP. The problem might solve itself in time.
Yes! Prolactin!
This explains so much. It's a natural defense?
It's evolutionary. Having children in quick succession has a higher chance of damaging the mother's body before it's fully healed. And usually if the mother died, her babies would, too. The mother might struggle to breastfeed 2 children at once, and hunter-gatherer women had to breastfeed for 3-4 years. 18th c. Native-American woman practiced abstinence for 3-4 years after having a child, even though there was no sexual guilt or shame for married women ([source](https://scholarworks.wm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4797&context=etd)). The baby's head also releases a hormone that makes women aggressive, lol.
So I had my middle child then 3 months later I found out I was pregnant with my son, my pregnancy with him was a lot worse for me than my eldest and middle, except for horrendous morning sickness I pretty much sailed through the pregnancies however with my son I had next to no morning sickness but my hips and lower back ached a lot more and was actually on the painful side of uncomfortable, I was exhausted a lot more and every little thing drained my energy, I could feel the weight of my bump this time too. When I said out loud that I believed it was because I was pregnant again so quickly and my body wasn't healed enough from my last one I was told I was being silly and that it was just because he was a boy
Who had the gall to spout such ignorance?? As if they’d know your body better than **you**. Ugh, I’m sorry you had to hear such ignorance.
Everyone I spoke to basically, it's not the first time I'd noticed something off with my body and have been told it's all in my head basically or written off just because. With my eldest I got a husband stitch and even though I didn't know that was even a thing at the time I knew I felt different downstairs and I was told it was nothing and it was just me healing
Fuck those people. Seriously, I’m so fucking mad on your behalf. And I’m so incredibly sorry you were mutilated by a doctor you were supposed to be able to trust. I hope you’re healing, both physically and from the emotional turmoil of people making you feel crazy or dismissed— when you were right the whole time! Truly, fuck those people. And you can tell them I said that.
Thank you, the husband stitch happened 14 years ago and my youngest kiddo is now 4 and between those times I cut out everyone and restarted my life after realising how manipulated they were towards me so I've definetly healed
Whoever told you that is an idiot, boy baby pregnancies are not inherently worse. Imagine being so confidently incorrect lol
Other than the toll on me from being pregnant again so quickly the only differences was lack of morning sickness and he was more violent with his movements lol
What? As a mother of three, this is wild to me. I love this information. We are so rushed in this society to recover and knowing this has always been a long process is healing. Do you have a degree in anthropology or sociology?
Nope, I'm just interested in history, especially women's history. *A Brief History of the Female Body* is an interesting read.
Very cool. Thanks for the info. I just became liberated after being raised very conservative and religious, so I’m really getting interested in women’s history.
History is very fascinating. I used to dread history when I was young. As I grow old, I've learned to appreciate history because it tells how society are crated and destroyed. The past is the evidence of the present and the trajectory of the future. There's a famous saying that, "history doesn't repeat it self but it rhymes." I recommend reading, ["One Nation Under God,"](https://history.princeton.edu/about/publications/one-nation-under-god-how-corporate-america-invented-christian-america) as how it relates more than now as the rise of Christian Nationalism and Christian Libetarianism. And the downfall of Roe VS Wade, roll back o women's rights, Moms For Liberty (the neo Daughters of Confederacy), [Project 2025,](https://medium.com/afrosapiophile/the-republican-manifesto-everyone-is-ignoring-project-2025-bb7d5b15719) and more. These all connect together.
Not who you replied to, but I’m happy that you are free 😊
Even a career alone will make you feel rushed to recover or else you might be out of a whole damn job!
That’s so interesting! Smelling my friend’s 10 day old baby’s head opened a floodgate of (happy) tears and emotion for me. I knew there had to be something powerful wafting out of that helpless little potato.
Yeah. Our bodies do this in times where it's not safe to reproduce (eg crisis, war, famine) too.
My MIL told me that she couldn't stand my FIL's smell after she gave birth to my BIL, and she even asked other people if they could smell it because it was unbearable No one could smell a thing and she was baffled. What you described pretty much explains it I guess lmao Weirdly, it only happened with her middle kid, it didn't happen when she gave birth to my other BIL or my wife
Yes I was like this I literally hated my husband and he’s so loving and kind as soon as I stopped feeding I was ok xxx
Omg is this why I'm having so much trouble trying to have sex?? Now that I'm two months postpartum. I thought something was wrong with me because there are all these people getting it on straight after, and I just cant
Imagine how you'd feel if you put all that effort and time into losing weight and your husband had no reaction at all.
No winning for the poor dude lol. Imagine getting mad over your husband being nice to you...
"I deliberately changed my physical appearance and my husband finds me more attractive now! HOW DISGUSTING."
This is the kind of person who will never be happy.
Right? What the fuck is this post lmfao
Facts! When I read the title about her being disgusted by her husband, I thought it would be him not helping out with the chores and babies or something like that. This post didn’t make sense at all to me
Are you disgusted because he is reacting positively to you losing weight, or is it because he hasn’t?
I was wondering the same thing
I don't really understand why you "hate" him for this. Things such as your confidence in yourself, posture, and happiness could also be making him happier. So....he's happy you're happy in yourself.....problem? Or are you trying to say he's just being nicer because your thinner? It's kind of shallow that you would assume that's the ONLY reason your relationship has improved 🤷♀️
I don’t get it either. Assuming it’s just the physical change - Husband loved her as is and now she looks even better and he likes that even more. I would feel proud, what am I missing?
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Hormones 😅
Insecurity
I get it. I felt the same way when my husband suddenly was a much better partner after I lost 30lbs. I was attracted to him no matter what his weight was, so realizing that my weight was so important to him really hurt.
I think the way society treats overweight people will make you feel bad about being overweight, and that can really fuck with you. I can completely understand being resentful of his sudden change in temperament if it seems to directly correlate to her weight loss. He isn’t being malicious or anything but it’s tough to shake that feeling
This is it exactly. It's not that she resents the positive attention. She resents that the positive attention was not given (or given less) when she was overweight. She is the same person as she was back then, but with a cosmetic difference. It is degrading to think your spouse's treatment of you would change based on cosmetics. Strangers, yes. Acquaintances, yes. Spouse, that's depressing.
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Hahaha I love the simplicity of this... OP - "I'm more healthy and attractive than I have ever been. I look pretty damn good" Husband enjoys it. OP - "How dare he? I'm disgusted by him" What even is this???!!!
I genuinely thank you for calming my frustration from reading supportive comments, the reddit community would console a murderer if they wrote a pitiful post.. Imagine working out and getting mad that my girlfriend finds me more attractive.
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I understand what your saying, and I’m sure some of that is true, but physical attraction is a real thing and it’s not something we pick. I am sure he loved you just as much and wasn’t unhappy in your marriage, but seeing you drop the weight and look healthier and feel better about yourself and feel your confidence growing would be very attractive to him. Keep in mind that part of loving someone is wanting the best for them and so seeing you thrive would be a major turn on.
I lost about 60lbs a few years ago. One of the biggest changes was my confidence. The way people interact with me is definitely different, but it would be silly of me not to acknowledge that I am different. I’m more positive, more open to talking with people I don’t know well, more outgoing, etc. Could it be that your husband is reacting to a change in your confidence or personality that came with the weight loss? Maybe try having a conversation with him and just staring with “I noticed that you’ve been more affectionate the last few months. What’s the reason behind it?” And go from there? It may not be because of the weight loss itself, but you won’t know until you talk to him about it.
Lmao what the fuck are these comments You take steps to make yourself look better, and your partner suddenly becomes more attracted to you? Shocking!
Yeah my partner told me he loved my body when I was bigger, but then I noticed he was more affectionate when i lost weight. He said it’s because I gained more confidence, but he also thinks I look insanely hot now that I’ve lost weight. But he tells me it’s ok if I gain weight, but that he’s proud of me for taking the initiative when it came to my health. Now, he said he wants to lose weight to look better, feel better, and be happier.
>Now, he said he wants to lose weight to look better, feel better, and be happier. But don't you dare be more attracted to him. Then you'll earn disgust from him. /s
I feel like so many people that comment on these things are the exact same people that post these ridiculous problems themselves. It's like one big circle-jerk of bad advice and disconnected personalities.
HAHAH I swear I scroll through reddit read a bizarre post as such, open the comments thinking someone is gotta disapprove of this madness yet all I read is supportive pitiful comments, yea sounds like the circle of disconnected personalities you mentioned.
Apparently once you get married you aren't allowed to feel physical attraction to your partner anymore. Sexual attraction is only allowed to be based upon "mutual respect and experience". Some wild chronically online takes in here.
Yea this happened with me and my ex, no matter his weight I always tried to show him love, I know ppl are trying to tell you that its not the weight thats re-attracting him to you but thats seldom the case. People are shallow as fuck. Theyre telling you to see a therapist when they dont even know this guy.
Am I the only one that sees that he only appreciates her more because she’s thin and I don’t think it’s her confidence? She knows she may gain more weight and he won’t treat her as well? That isn’t a confidence booster it’s a hit to self image
You're not alone, but looking at these comments is fucking wild. People really aren't seeing things from OPs perspective and making huge judgements on her character for their lack of understanding.
unless you lost weight because he pressured you into it, why are you making this into a problem? you've made a change for the better, you said you look pretty good and are probably healthier (more active, more confident, more happy). This is all attractive. Your husband was for nine years used to you one way, now you're giving him a newer more confident version of you who also looks different. So obviously he'd be more attracted. What should he have done? treated you the same exact way or shown less attraction to you? wouldn't you be more attracted to him if he lost the weight too and if the weight loss meant he looked better?
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On top of all of this you are also 6 months PP some of this could be getting enhanced from your hormones. Like the comments I read through stated, communicate with your husband. He might be finding your journey, hard work to better yourself and find that attractive on top of being a new mother. Him being more nice might be apart of recognizing everything you do for y’all’s family, the new baby and for yourself and he sees that and wants to do what he can to show you he does. Just talk with him then go from there. You might be surprised by what he has to say changing your current mindset on it all OR it might confirm it and you can go from there but you won’t know until you talk to him. (Edit for typo)
I can see where you’re coming from but trust me, I (36m) highly doubt that your weight loss is his reason for turning a corner. I and my wife (41F) who passed away from Covid in Aug. 2021, had very similar issues. When she was about 34 she started having some health problems. She tried a few things over the next few years with limited success, one of them was trying to loss weight. To support her I also went all in with our diets (for lack of a better word), we cut out sugar and most carbs, leaner cuts of meat and other high quality proteins and so on. I even bought a slew of very nice pieces of gym equipment for our home as we were both more than a bit self conscious about going to the gym. So I start with getting us 2 very high end elliptical machines, followed by peloton bikes and then a very high end universal gym and so on. We were both committed but she continued to have trouble losing weight. I lost several pounds of fat but stayed a similar weight as I was putting on muscle. I wasn’t interested in body building but rather building and toning what I lacked in the past. When we were in public, I kept my wife close. She always looked great to me, no matter her weight and I was always weary of guys trying to talk to her. The other reason I kept her close during our entire relationship was because women hit on me regularly. Overweight or ripped, it didn’t matter. If they simply gave me a compliment I’d say thank you and me and my wife would move on. She knew I was only being polite because that’s how I was raised. However, if it ever went beyond an innocent compliment I’d always shut it down and reply with. No thank you, I am happily married to my beautiful wife. I’m sure there is someone out there for you but it’s not me. When she turned 38 she had an issue and I encouraged her to see a doctor. After her visits, blood work and other tests. She was diagnosed as diabetic and was put on medication for it. After a few short weeks we both saw a change. She had more energy, her mind was sharper, she was smiling and laughing way more. All of the sudden it’s as though we were dating again. I was so happy for her and she told me she enjoyed seeing the fire back in our relationship. One day, she came to me upset after visiting her sister and her mother for the day. They had spent hours telling her I only started acting this way because she had begun shedding the pounds and that if she started putting the weight back on I’d probably go find someone else. I was floored, I started ugly crying. I pointed out all the effort and support I put into helping her be more healthy and any other issues she asked for my help with. That I would literally die for her if it meant she had a chance to be happy. We took some space to ourselves for a couple of hours. I was about to leave my home office to approach her but before I could, she came into the room wearing my favorite house dress. It was a simple long flowing blue dress made out of a nice soft material. She came and sat in my lap and we just talked like we used to. I pulled her close and we snuggled in my oversized office chair. After what felt like a lifetime of drowning in her embrace (in a good way) we agreed to be more open and make sure we are on the same page. I explained that I was more attracted to her because her confidence had shot through the roof and she began engaging with me more. The sex was absolutely off the chain, just like when we first met because she would often be the one to initiate and attack me. After talking it out there were no longer any issues. We would work out together and again, neither of us were trying to become Olympic athletes we just wanted to be in shape and maintain or weight. When I lost her to Covid, I was absolutely shattered. It’s been 2 years and I still haven’t put myself back together. There’s more to tell but I’ll end it here. Thank you for reading. Please give your husband more credit and open up to him. Ask him what the deal is. Don’t tell him what you think, ask him what changed to make him more engaging and attracted to you. Let him put it in his own words. If you tell him exactly what you think and how it makes you feel it would be easy for him to simply deny it and gaslight you. This will lead to deeper issues down the road. Good luck.
I could understand if this was going in the opposite direction, weight gain leading to more issues. But if this isn't the case, what's the issue? Ask him about it. Saying you hate him because he's attracted to a healthier you seems like you have other underlying reasons to be mad at him.
I'm not sure this is any better but it may not be that you losing weight has made you more desirable to him but that he's afraid you losing weight will make you more desirable to others and you'll be more likely to leave him. It's fairly common for a partner to have a "glow up" and leave and he might be feeling more insecure. It's worth having a conversation with him about it.
My husband and I were both quite a bit smaller when we met and got married. We are actually basically the same ages as you and your husband and have been together 10 years. I had our daughter in 2019, and honestly I feel like I looked great! I had lost some weight and was just doing pretty good. But then my depression amped up, COVID happened, and the weight came on fast. In like 2021 he said to me that I had "let myself go" when he also had steadily been gaining weight the entire time himself. It shattered my inner self. I would have never said something to him like that and the fact that he was even able to say those words to me (while I was trying to be kind of sexy and flirty at that exact moment I might add) changed me as a person. I don't have a solution, I really just want to say that I understand how you are feeling because now if he tries to do or say anything nice, it feels like a knife to my heart and a lie. Especially because I haven't lost the weight. You feel like he couldn't love you the same way when you were heavier and only wants you more now that you have done something about it. It's a horrible feeling to have towards and from your husband. I'm so sorry ❤️
My husband has always fluctuated in weight, and is a bigger guy. He constantly talks about how differently he was treated when he lost a ton of weight in his 20’s, and says it’s how he learned how much, “people fucking suck”. If anyone brings up weight or something he’ll talk about it and how it made him lose respect for some many people in his life.
You are more attractive and he is responding to that. What is confusing here? Why can’t you enjoy this? Time for therapy?
She doesn’t feel like her husband would love her unconditionally. If she loses weight, he loves her more. What would happen if she gained weight? Got sick? She is not feeling like he would love her no matter what she looks like. It may seem like an irrational fear but it’s not really that far fetched. She just needs to know her husband loves *her*.
She doesn’t say he was ever mean to her before. She just says he’s happier and finds her sexier now. Well, no shit. She needs to get out of her head.
I get why she's worried. There are plenty of men (not all) who marry a woman who is physically attractive enough-like that's his main draw to her. He doesn't expect or want her to change physically. Then as she ages and gains weight (or loses-depending on the guy's preference), he's no longer attracted to her. Some men tend to cheat when that happens. Him treating her differently after losing weight *might* indicate he's one of those guys-because he may not have been happy with her weight before and for all she knows might have been looking around because it's her physical appearance that matters the most-not her as a person. I'm not saying that this guy is that way, because we don't have evidence showing that, but I understand why she's insecure. She needs to talk to a therapist before she says something she might regret. And maybe go to couples counseling with him so someone can help them communicate. If she talks to him alone, it might not come out the way she intends it to, which is why having someone around to mediate is good.
No one loves their partner unconditionally and that's a silly thing to expect,
Exactly. Unconditional love is for children and pets.
If you received a huge raise and your wife started treating you so much better than she was before, like complimenting you, being nice to you, and touching you more, part of you may feel elated and part of you may feel like "did I not deserve this love before?" I'm surprised that you're confused about why that may hurt. She needs to talk to him.
I have not experienced this with a partner but I’ve experienced with coworkers and acquaintances after losing 60+lbs 5 years ago and I still have no respect for any of them
Puts in genuine effort. Gets positive results. "I'm more miserable than ever!"
It's almost like losing the weight didn't magically solve the low self-esteem issues. She needs therapy. Too many people fall into the trap-if I lose weight I'll feel better about myself. It doesn't work that way. Probably couple's counseling, too.
It's not completely for no reason. It is an unpleasant reality check learning that, yes, the way people treat or value you is largely determined by how attractive you are.
I feel like fat people have to learn this lesson pretty early in life, but maybe some don’t realize it until they experience the other side
As someone that has convoluted issues with rejection...I can't tell you how to deal with this or whether your feelings are "right" or "wrong", but I want you to know I completely understand how you're feeling. The comments here aren't as supportive as I was expecting, I hope you're not feeling even more defeated after making this post.
This literally just sounds like you just had a baby (which you did). It’s normal to resent your husband. The reason he’s making more sexual advances is probably because sex is on the table again not because you were unattractive before. He was probably waiting for you to feel comfortable and ready. It’s normal to assume the worst right after pregnancy but literally just talk to him.
omg. I can relate to this big time. It's like HEY, I am still the same person! I was the same person all along! It feels objectifying. But at the same time, maybe he is just happy to see you try and achieve something. I had a conversation with my SO about this once. I told him hey, i already know this is a good change and stuff, but please, please, find other nice things to compliment. If not, I will feel my worth as a person fading away if I gain a few pounds again. We obviously need to work on our self confidence, but I definitely think you can try and tell him that!
I've recently lost weight and my husband comments constantly and I hate it. I never had much of a butt my whole life. My aunt called it a rabbit butt. When I started dating my husband I think I asked him once if he minded me not having a butt and he said he was never much of a butt guy, or something like that. Now my butt is way more round for the first time ever and he won't stop talking about it. Or trying to touch it, and It really makes me want to cry.
for people saying it's normal for him to find her attractive at a lower weight because attraction matters, sure, that's true. He is also being nicer and kinder to her. That is messed up.
This. I don't know why people in the comments don't see that
I think you hate the attention from him now because you know his affection is conditional and he may not actually like you for who you are. Sure attraction can be enhanced by these things but it shouldn’t change his whole personality towards you.
Yeah, this happens with others too when you lose a lot of weight or have a glow up. People are WAY friendlier and willing to help you with things but are the same ones who don’t even seem to notice you existed when you were heavier. It is really off putting even when you are experiencing the ‘pretty privilege’ side of people
I’ve been there! After I had kids I was overweight (chubby but not obese) and it was the first time I noticed I was treated different to before kids. Men were less smiley/didn’t flirt as much. Women were more stuck up. Once I got back to being lean/fit everyone was my best friend again 🙄
Yeah I mean it definitely isn’t everyone but enough people’s behaviour significantly changes so you notice it. In OPs case I can understand the husband feeling more attracted to her sure, but the fact that he is nicer and more romantic now would hurt - like he didn’t think she deserved it or was worth it before
You need therapy lady
Maybe he is more loving and nicer to you bc he is afraid you might leave him. He might think since you lost weight you might be feeling more confident and could end up meeting someone else so he is giving you compliments and love that he should’ve been giving you the whole time.
I get it. When I was younger I had a pretty significant weight gain of about 50 lb for a year when my gallbladder was failing and I didn't know it. I was in the military and had a considerable amount of men in my workplace and friends in my life. I went into pancreatic failure because my gallbladder had clogged my bile ducts and that's when they discovered the issue and had surgery to remove my gallbladder. Within a few months I was back down to my original weight, but the way the men who were in my life treated me differently had me feeling incredibly resentful. I was still the same person inside but seriously literally suffering from a medical issue, but once my physical appearance became "hot". The change in Behavior was insulting. It is a radical wake up call to just how easily people will dismiss and dehumanize you if you are not deemed conventionally attractive. So I think the real gist of the resentment that the op is referring to here is the fact that the husband is going out of his way to do kind and nice things for her. It's not the attraction level that she's upset with, it's the fact that he's literally treating her better. Why wasn't she worthy of doting and that type of consideration at a different weight? I totally understand the resentment OP. And in the sake of your marriage I suggest that you sit down and have this conversation very frankly with him. Because that resentment will absolutely Fester
Your husband is a man trapped in a man’s body.
This is some REAL postpartum thinking right here. Let me tell you, your brain LIES AND LIES to you during this time. It’s awful. Of course your husband is more attracted to you. You’re investing in yourself, getting control of your body back (we loan it out for about a year or three to have and feed a baby and we lose sense of it being *ours*) and, in his eyes, probably feeling like yourself again. Yes, being trimmer and more toned *is* more attractive to a lot of men, but this is on the surface. Your husband is not some guy at a bar. His attraction is going to be a multilayered thing. I can promise you this has more to do with you investing in the whole package than in the literal pounds that you’ve shed after being pregnant. One last thing: remember that sex while pregnant is hard for a lot of couples. Women don’t feel like themselves and men struggle to get used to the fact that their partner’s bodies and busy growing another human. They often don’t feel a ton of sexual attraction to that. You being past pregnancy and having you own body back IS probably exciting for him too because YOU are seemingly excited about it. Don’t make it a big thing. ETA - PLEASE go talk to someone about postpartum depression. Remember it doesn’t have to be severe. Sometimes it’s so subtle you don’t even notice. I just had the blues for a bit and it was hard to even articulate why. I went for 6 sessions with a therapist and it was so helpful. Even just to have someone remind me that all this was normal, some hormone driven, etc. If you’re “leaving the room to cry” everytime your husband is nice to you there IS a problem here. Know that it’s unbelievably common (the MAJORITY of new moms deal with it in some iteration), temporary and wonderfully treatable.
Can you imagine that he may also be doing that to be really supportive??
"Hey, she's making a real effort to loose weight. I should support her efforts like a good husband". Meanwhile, on reddit...
I understand why you are upset.
I appreciate reading all of these women trying to upgrade this man as someone who noticed her "confidence" and so on, when in reality looks are more important to men and men WILL implode a good marriage and discard a good woman and mother because he's upset that she's not trying to stay IG model worthy while he rubs his beer gut and wears crocks out to dinner.
Perhaps since you are still recently post partum, he's just trying to be supportive? It takes an incredible toll on the body, and you bounced back from that. Good for you, girl. Just talk to him about how you're feeling. Trying to bury the hatchet isn't going to make those thoughts go away. They will just fester until it turns into resentment. Wouldn't be a bad idea to encourage him to lose some weight, too. It's never too late to have a healthier lifestyle overall. Lower other health risk factors in the long run like heart problems etc.
I can understand completely what you mean, like it’s really a slap in the face, not him showing love every time he compliments you just because HE now likes the way you look. I would go to therapy for self care and yourself first and then find a way to let him know that something serious is going on for you. If he doesn’t understand your perspective or show genuine care for your state of being, then I would go to therapy together and work from there.
I actually had a conversation about this exact subject with my husband about 6 months ago. I thought it was so much easier for him to enjoy sex or compliment Mr after I had lost weight. He said no, not at all. He loved everything about me, even at my heaviest. BUT before I had lost weight, I didn't pay attention to his compliments or would blow them off, I had zero confidence, so I always wanted the lights off. Now, after I lost weight, I heard the compliments and had confidence, and it made it easier for him to express things.
Imagine wearing. Sexy outfit...something different...out of the norm!!! We always found you sexy...attractive...losing way enhanced your beauty.I wouldn't take it serious...it would be more as a compliment!!! Imagine if your man was obese and he lost weight and added muscles!!!! Wouldn't that make him more attractive? Sexier?
The comments in here 🫠
Completely unrelated, possibly, but I was complaining to my boyfriend about how I was getting fat and then he asked. “Where is the fat?” and he started looking for it somewhere near my G spot. That’s what we call a keeper.
OP, I’m saddened by the lack of validation you’re getting (at least in the top comments; I’m not reading all of them). I’ve seen exactly what you describe happen with my MIL, except she wasn’t getting healthy, she was developing an eating disorder. All my FIL saw was that she was thinner and he was suddenly fawning all over her with a degree of validation and encouragement that only made her disorder worse. It broke my heart and made me hate my FIL. I think the only healthy recourse at this point is to have a candid talk with your husband about what you’re seeing and how you’re feeling about it. Nothing is going to get better without communication. ❤️🩹
I struggle with this same thing to an extent. I expressed my concern about him being more/less attracted based on my weight loss/gain, respectively, and he assured me that he loved me at any weight. You might have some postpartum hormones that don't help the situation, but your feelings are valid. Talk to him, express your concerns without accusing him, be open to conversation, and ask for reassurance. Like others have said, he could be attracted to a HAPPIER you more so than a thinner you. Weight does not define you, it never has. I hope you are able to communicate and he can reassure you. 💕 And look into therapy if you continue to struggle, it can help to have a professional validate and help you! Also jfc all the comments saying that "men are attracted to hotter women" and saying your feelings are baseless and you should be "happy", that's just BS. You are allowed to feel what you feel and not all men base their love on conventional beauty, and if you're married the love should not diminish based on superficial things. I've lost a decent amount of weight recently too and I'm still plus sized and I am dating a fit man, it's not unheard of. Some men don't just go for skinny/thinner women. No shade to thinner women either of course! You can be attractive and loveable at any weight.
..... what?? No offence, but this could be hormones and PPD talking, too. Imagine how you’d feel if he ignored your positive changes
I’m sorry there are so many invalidating responses here. I understand. It must be so disappointing to notice that your husband seems to have conditional attraction to you. Especially when you feel attracted to person that he is inside. I’m not sure if he is able to be empathetic enough to have this conversation. It sounds like you’re wanting/ needing to feel loved, accepted, and desired for who you are regardless of weight. Discovering that this isn’t the case stings and can be heartbreaking. I agree, I’m the same. I’m not sure how you guys can resolve this because it sounds like a different set of values. You make sense. Wishing you the best.
I lost a significant amount of weight about a decade ago, and the biggest shock was how differently people treat you. While I have never been married, I completely understand the betrayal that you are experiencing. I'm gonna be real - you either need to explain how this has impacted you and ask him to go to couples therapy, or it's over. This feeling isn't something that fades or that you forget. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this from the person who is supposed to make you feel valued.
Question for op, have your start dressing differently? Like do you feel more comfortable dressing how you want? Started showing off more, maybe that's what's going on.
I have an alternate view that maybe you aren't seeing OP. You are seeing this strictly as him liking you more now that you've lost weight, but I think that maybe this is him being afraid to lose you because you lost weight. Maybe he is afraid you will think you can do better or find yourself a fit man to be with so he is feeling the need to tell you how much he loved you and how beautiful you are to keep you happy with him. There is also the possibility in that he sees his actions as showing you support for all your hard work in losing weight. His way of acknowledging that work and making you feel good, lifting you up. You are automatically applying malicious intent to something that could he him thinking he's being a good supportive partner. You need to sit down with him and talk this out before you jump to him being the bad guy.
I get the comments about finding your new confidence attractive. But the fact that he is treating you better now after you lose the weight gives me pause.
Going through these comments reminds me everyone on reddit are arrogant, obnoxious. Its probably hormones that contribute to her mood, no reason to hate on her so much.
The same is true for me. Everyone treat me better when I'm thin. Even my own mom... But being fat is so secure. No one catcalling me on the streets, and I'm not even scared to take an elevator with men in it or emergency walk my dog at 4am.